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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
anon
I need some new basic tank tops to wear with shorts and linen pants. I would prefer something that doesn’t cling to the torso. Any recommendations?
Pep
I have a bunch of the Target “A New Day” basic (not the slim fit, or ribbed) tanks. Available in 12 colors. $8 each. I don’t find them clingy.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I have a couple; the black one had faded a bit but we have really hard water.
Vicky Austin
J. Crew or Factory thereof has some nice basic ones that are a bit more boxy in cut. I think the linen pocket tank is the one I’m thinking of?
Anon
I really like this J Crew linen tank.
Sybil
I adore the Old Navy luxe swing tanks.
Anon.
These are great, I own at least 5 different colors.
Anon
Flax linen tanks. They’re spendy but will last forever.
Anonymous
I have and occasionally still wear a Flax linen skirt from 2001.
curlsallday
I have a ton of the Daily Ritual by Amazon. I get complimented on them all the time
Salary negotiations?
I recently went through a lengthy interview process and received a job offer. From everything I have heard, the role sounds great, the people seem nice and I’m excited about the opportunity. It is a unique role that does not open up very often in my industry, and I feel fortunate to have been given an offer. Since the role is so unique, it’s hard to benchmark market compensation. In my current role, I am definitely paid significantly below market and have been frustrated about it for some time. The proposed compensation package seems amazing. I am literally almost doubling my current total comp, although a higher % will be bonus vs salary. I’m trying to decide whether to negotiate salary. The salary offered seems abundantly fair, but again I don’t really know what is “market” for this type of role and I don’t want to leave money on the table. Plus, I know where I start will affect future compensation so I want to be smart about it. From the intel that I could find, the offer seems to be in the ballpark of median compensation for similar roles, but could be higher. Do I negotiate for a higher salary, knowing that I’d be content with what was offered regardless? If yes, can anyone offer any scripts for what to say? I don’t want to be greedy since I’m quite pleased with everything, but I also don’t want to undersell myself and fall into the classic female trap of not negotiating to be “nice.”
anonshmanon
The last time I had an offer that seemed fair to me, I just said that I am excited about the role, and was there any chance they could come up a little in salary? That’s all I said. No justification, but mainly negotiating because I felt that I should. They came back with 2% more and I took it.
Cornellian
This seems like good advice. I would not push hard but it may send the tone for future negotiations so it may be worth asking for something small.
Or, if there’s something non-monetary (an upcoming weeklong trip you want off, etc) you could ask for that instead, perhaps?
Anon
Always ask for me. The worst that can happen is they say no. I’ve never heard of anyone revoking a offer because someone count offered, and any place that would do that is highly dysfunctional.
In terms of scripts, I generally say something along the lines of I’m very excited about this opportunity. I was wondering if you would be able to increase the salary to X. But I also find this really awkward, so maybe someone else has a batter idea on wording.
Anon
Yep always ask. But also, I’m learning to always ask for vacation as well. I have recently hired for several roles and the best wording was “Very excited about the role! Is there any room to come up a bit in salary and extend vacation days?”
I was able to give an extra week of vacation just because someone asked (which then helped the other person at that level) and also bump up a bit on salary.
Anon
If they know they’re doubling your salary, I’d ask for non-salary items only.
Ellen
This seems reasonable. Money doesn’t fix anything that isn’t broken, my Dad says, and from what it sounds, you’ve got a good boost and the people and job are great. So I wouldn’t be pushy at this point just to get a little more, even tho you do not want to be seen as a pushover. I think you go in and prove your value, like I did, before doing any more asking from them. Once you show them what an asset you are to them, they will give you more. I think this especially the case as many Gen Z’s are very lackadaisical and the labor market will remain very favorable to those, like you and me, who are hardworking and deliver real value to the organizations we work at. For now, employers have to coddle Gen Z’s because they are the future and are needed, even if subpar.
Salary negotiations?
OP here. I have not told them my current comp and in my state a prospective employer can’t ask.
In terms of non-salary items, what have people found useful to ask for? Additional PTO would be nice. Other benefits seem like they wouldn’t be negotiable.
anonshmanon
flexible work modes? Both work location and setting hours?
Anon
I negotiated for a huge signing bonus last time I changed jobs. I knew I was at their salary max so the signing bonus let them throw a bit (a lot actually) more on the table rather than getting their salary structure out of alignment vis a vis existing staff.
Anon
Terrible advice. New company doesn’t get a bargain because old company was underpaying OP. OP, negotiate away. Typically companies don’t have room on the benefits side (PTO is often set by level, etc.) so don’t burn your energy there. Base salary may or may not have room (sometimes hard lines for equity purposes, sometimes more room if they’re trying to bring you in lower, always ask if they can move on base regardless). Ask for a signing bonus (most companies give these out). If there’s equity, ask for more or for a bigger percentage guarantee of a bonus. You don’t need a lot of justification – you just say super excited, would like a little more, can you move on XY and Z.
Anon
Not necessarily – when I got my current job, I was told there was a lot more flexibility on the PTO side than the salary side, so I negotiated for more vacation.
Anon
The part that was terrible advice was telling OP she couldn’t ask for more based on her old salary.
Anon
I have always negotiated successfully for more PTO.
Anne-on
Always ask, the worse they can say is no! The scripts below are great – ask a manager has one I’ve used before too. Basically, ‘I’m very excited about the offer but I was hoping to be in the range of XX to XX – do you think there is room to come up on salary?’. Then stop talking and let them respond. Agree with others that if they withdraw the offer because you negotiated on salary they are HIGHLY disfunctional and you dodged a bullet!
Anonymous
If you want to, post the general role and area type. if you’re in NYC vs Mobile, AL the answer is different :)
FWIW when i went from my first corporate job to my second, I went from 55k to 85k with a 20k annual bonus and i negotiated 10k extra since i’d be giving up my bonus at old job (I didnt like, I said “i’d like 10k as I’m giving up my annual bonus”. My annual bonus was usually $3k) and I thought I was fleecing them. Turns out I could have gotten 90-95 in a heartbeat if i’d asked.
Curious
I always ask for 10% more base, after saying how excited I am. I’ve never gotten the full 10, but I have gotten up to 7!
roxie
I guarantee you, you won’t be greedy if you negotiate for a bit more.
I guarantee you that most companies make an offer understanding that it is a starting point.
Do NOT leave money on the table. They are expecting you to come back for more.
If you think their offer is in the midrange for the role that is your leverage. Use it!
Anon.
I always share this article regarding getting out of your comfort zone regarding negotiations (it’s old, but good): https://www.kalzumeus.com/2012/01/23/salary-negotiation/
Anon
Are there any prenatal vitamins that taste good, or at least better than the others? I hate the taste of multivitamins.
AIMS
Are you talking about chewables? I just took a pill and had no taste issues. FWIW – mine were Garden of Life and I thought they were great.
Only makes very tasty gummy vitamins of all kinds but I am always skeptical that they provide much actual benefit.
Anon
+1 I also liked Garden of Life prenatal. They are a little more expensive than others. But they didn’t make me nauseous like most prenatal or other multivitamins. I also liked that it had folate and not folic acid.
Anon
OP here – Every multivitamin pill I’ve ever tried has a very distinctive taste that makes me wanna throw up. But I’ve not tried Garden of Life, so it seems like it’s worth trying
Vicky Austin
My BFF says Olly gummies are the way to go (and she tried most of them before finding something that didn’t make her ill!).
Emma
I liked the Ollies before first trimester. YMMV but once I got nauseous I couldn’t take them anymore, they just tasted very fake and gross to me. Same issue with First Response gummies. My best bet was the PregVits the Dr prescribed – tasteless pills split into a morning/night dose so it’s gentler on your stomach.
NYCer
I took Rainbow Lite prenatal one and had no issue with the taste or them making me sick. Like AIMS, they were a swallow-able pill though, not chewable.
Anonymous
+1 take these at night tho
Anon
Same and also take at night
NYCer
I should add, I also took them at night!
Anon
I find that I “get what I pay for” when it comes to nausea with vitamins. So I pay a lot for Thorne. It also seems to matter a lot if vitamins have been kept fresh (I find they get an awful smell when they’ve been sitting in the heat, for example).
Anon
My favorite are the Target brand Up&Up prenatal gummies.
Curious
Watch gummies, though, because some don’t have iron!
Anon
That’s actually a plus for me that’s somewhat relevant, since iron upsets my stomach terribly, unless it’s heme iron. I don’t know any multis with heme iron, so I always get iron-free and then supplement the iron separately.
FP
I thought the Trader Joe’s brand had no taste which is what I preferred.
Anon
This just shows how person dependent it is. The Trader Joe’s ones taste horrible to me
anon
I took Smarty Pants gummies and thought they tasted the best. I had to take prenatals for a realllllly long time (all during fertility treatments, then throughout the pregnancy, then while bf-ing), so it was important to me that it be something I would want to take every day. Beware that nearly all gummies do not have iron. My doctor said my iron levels always looked good in my blood tests but that if I ever felt particularly drained and tired, I could always take something that did have iron – or of course eat! And she had no qualms if that was a Flintstones chewable. Her advice was the best vitamin is the one you will actually take every day. It is really important, especially at the beginning, that you take a prenatal for the folic acid so she wasn’t picky. I have heard good things about Ritual, by the way.
Cornellian
I like these, too. I separate with slowFe separately because I find it’s iron that upsets my stomach (and I think that’s a common take).
No Problem
Asking again today because it was late yesterday:
Does anyone have a very lightweight or summer weight down alternative duvet insert to recommend? I currently have an “all season” insert and it is too warm for the summer months.
No, I don’t want a quilt. I want something that will go in the duvet cover that I love. Unless it’s a quilt that will not show through a white duvet cover and has the loops to hold it into a duvet cover, I don’t want a quilt.
anon
Quilts aren’t cozy, either. ;)
In all seriousness, I’m following along because I’m looking for the same thing. It seems like the Company Store has duvets in a variety of weights, so I might try that myself.
Lily
IKEA.
Seafinch
Agreed, when I want slight weight bit actual warmth in hot weather I just buy the cheapest on offer from Ikea. They run $20 I think.
No Problem
Sounds like I need to check out IKEA. Thanks!!
Aunt Jamesina
I have a lightweight white quilt I use in the summer inside my duvet. It’s over a decade old, so I don’t have a specific product to recommend.
Aunt Jamesina
Meant to say that because it’s relatively thin, I’m able to tie the corners into the duvet!
Anonymous
The loops are on the duvet not the filler so it shouldn’t matter. Coyuchi makes a lighter weight one but I hadn’t tried. I took a very light weight comforter and use it in mine.
No Problem
Yes, the loops are on the duvet, which is the same thing as the “filler.” The duvet cover is the thing you stuff the duvet into, and it has the ties that secure to the loops. Quilts do not come with the loops as far as I have seen.
Anon
I’m guessing you’ve already tried using it empty?
Have you considered an alternate fill like wool or silk instead of feathers?
Anon
I think that would look so weird though
No Problem
I’m pretty sure that would slip right off my bed if I didn’t have anything in it, and it wouldn’t add any warmth. I do need SOME warmth, just not as much as my current duvet.
And I already said I do not want down. I doubt wool would be lighter and would of course be harder to clean. Never hear of silk as a filling for a duvet, but again, not sure how one would clean that.
Anon
Isn’t the cover there so that you don’t really need to clean it?
Anon
Can you just use the duvet cover empty? With the disclaimer that I cannot handle much more than a plain sheet in the summery, it seems like a sheet and empty duvet would be enough layers on their own.
anon a mouse
+1 we use ours empty. It’s made of material slightly thicker than sheets so it ends up being very similar to the “triple sheeting” summer beds at a B&B I stayed at years ago.
Anon
I’ve gotten super light weight ones on Amazon, way too long ago to have a specific rec, but usually the cheaper the lighter
Anon
I am an extremely hot sleeper and the only duvet insert I can tolerate is the Ikea STJÄRNSTARR. It’s very thin so you don’t get that nice puffy look unfortunately.
Anon
I’m using a super light cheap polyester insert right now, and I didn’t factor int hat polyester just doesn’t breathe, at all. So I’m interested that this one is Lyocell which sounds more comfortable in theory. Thanks for the recommendation; I think I’ll have to buy this!
Anon
It sounds like you don’t need a duvet. Why are you so wedded to the idea of having one?
Anonymous
This. I just fold my duvet back to sleep in summer. So I sleep under a sheet, but make the bed with my pretty duvet.
No Problem
Because I really like how it looks and feels to sleep under one! I have a sheet and a blanket on my bed, both of which look very bleh and aren’t quite enough warmth in the air conditioning anyway. Plus I like having a little more weight on me for the cozy feel. So I need something on top of the blanket, and I really don’t like the look of quilts and DO like the look of my duvet cover.
Anon
Ditch the blanket and use the sheet and duvet only. I don’t know why you have a blanket if you’re too hot, and you also insist on having a duvet.
I never use a blanket in addition to my duvet. I just use the right weight of duvet and that’s all we need.
No Problem
That’s still too warm! And it offers zero flexibility if I do want to kick off the duvet and go with just the sheet and blanket for a night or two. I’m looking for a happy medium here, which I think can be achieved with a less-warm duvet insert. I’m going to check out the IKEA suggestion above.
Anon
I’m not sure why you haven’t just googled “Light weight comforter” since you don’t like any of the other suggestions you’re getting.
No Problem
I did! And most results were for all season inserts. The reviews were all over the map in terms of how warm they are. I was asking for specific recommendations from anyone who has a light weight duvet that was actually good for use in the summer.
I asked for recommendations for a specific thing, and am telling folks when I’m not interested in their alternative, and why I’m not interested. It’s like if people replied to the person below asking for rice cooker recs with recs for other ways to cook rice that are not rice cookers. Sure they work, but not what the person wants. Not sure why everyone is all huffy today.
Anon
First of all you’ve asked twice.
Second, you’re rejecting everyone’s suggestions.
Third, being too warm under a comforter and blanket is fairly easy to fix, get rid of one of the layers.
It’s like you’re coming in here saying “I like to wear a cashmere sweater with a parka over it but it’s too warm in August. What should I do?” It seems like that duh of a question to many of us.
Anon
I found the thread helpful because I had already bought an ultra light comforter and hate it because it’s sweaty polyester, as I previously mentioned. So now I too am going to try the recommended alternative from IKEA.
I can’t sleep with just a sheet, and I prefer a big fluffy duvet, I just want one that isn’t warm or suffocating, so I found this discussion of interest.
Anonymous
I use the Buffy breeze comforter inside a duvet cover: https://buffy.co/products/breeze-comforter
Bedding Connoisseur
If you’re still reading, here are a few recos. I hate hate poly fill and other down alternates—IMHO, natural fibers are so much more breathable and temperature regulating.
– I found Quince’s luxe all-season down comforter to be too thin/light (mild west coast). Luckily they have a good return policy. It may work for you?
– We have a “down blanket” (product name) from Pacific Coast Down that we use with a duvet cover in the summer. While it does not have the loops in the corners, it is thin and I simply tie the duvet cover ties around each corner of the blanket. Grab the corner in one hand and knot the ties ~4 inches in and really clinch down with a tight knot + double knotted bow. It’s not noticeable from the outside of the cover and does not feel funny (we don’t sleep at the edge of the cover?). Been doing this for 12 summers with 3-5 different duvet covers!
– I found some Etsy sellers offering 4-8 layer muslin cotton blankets and I’m likely going to order one this weekend. The single layer muslin baby swaddle blankets are so cozy and lightweight/breathable— a heavier adult sized one sounds amazing! Will probably use it in a duvet cover (see tie method described above).
– I know linen quilts have been recommended on this board recently…while they are beautiful designs, every one I’ve found online seems to be poly fill. Maybe there’s a cotton filled out there!
-On the wool suggestion: my first grader has a Woolino brand wool comforter insert and it’s heavy in weight. Not recommended for summer. Silk is intriguing—sounds light and breathable…and expensive.
Bedding Connoisseur
Added note: we sleep only with a fitted sheet and a duvet / comforter in a duvet cover. No top sheet, no blanket, no bedspread.
Anonymous
Paging Sarah Lawrence mom.. just wondering how the visit went.
Anon
Does a home have a recommended rice cooker? I would prefer something that takes up as little counter space as possible – I’m cooking for two 99% of the time – and is reasonably affordable.
Anon
The Hamilton Beach rice cooker is fantastic. I also am cooking for two and use it literally 3-4 days/week for 5 years now. I even took it in an RV trip last year I love it so much. Only complaint is that it loudly beeps TEN times when it’s done cooking, which seems like overkill. Otherwise it’s basically perfect. Extremely reliable.
I’ve considered upgrading to a fancy Japanese brand but I don’t have any reason to, the Hamilton Beach one works perfectly for my needs.
No that you asked, but I also recommend buying higher quality rice from an Asian supermarket and making sure you rinse it really well prior to cooking. I buy a 15-lb sack every few months lol. I love rice.
Anon
Can you tell me which model you have? I looked online and there are lots.
Anon
Looks like they don’t sell my exact one anymore, but this is the newer version: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0752VWV65/
Anonymous
I think Zojirushi has some streamlined rice cookers (just on/off buttons) that go for about $60. If you already have an Instant Pot or similar, you can use that to cook rice too.
In fact, my mom, a Chinese woman, uses her Instant Pot to cook rice more often these days than the old Tatung or the fancy Zojirushi we have…
Anononon
Seconded. Love my Zojirushi. It’s pretty small (we’re also just two) and makes great oatmeal in addition to rice.
Anon
Ok so the real estate the instant pot takes up is exactly what I’m looking to avoid. That thing is giant!
Anonymous
Love the zojirushi- we use ours 3-4 times per week. Perfect rice every time.
Anonymous
I make rice in my instant pot. I’m not obsessed with it the way some people are, but consider if it might be a multifunctional solution. It replaced my rice cooLet and crockpot.
Nesprin
I love my instapot for rice and also since it displaces a crockpot it does reduce storage space.
Anon
I love my small zojirushi. I have a model with a timer, which is amazing because I can prep it in the morning and then have the rice be ready at a specific time in the evening — which is great because brown rice takes forever. The rice it makes is perfect and my kid refuses to eat any other kind.
Anonymous
I use the Cookie and Kate stovetop cooking directions for brown rice. Perfect results every time, no need to give counter space to a rice cooker. As a bonus, the “lost water” cooking method removes some of the arsenic, which a rice cooker would leave in the rice.
Anon
op here
I have been making rice in the stove for 20+ years. I know all the ins and outs of it. I just want the unattended cooking time a rice cooker offers – especially to add more brown rice to my diet. I don’t always have 45 minutes lead time.
anon
What are people’s thoughts on vitamins and supplements? I know there’s not a lot of compelling data to suggest they’re super helpful unless you have a deficiency (I’m a vegetarian and am slightly deficient in B12 so that’s a no brainer) but I guess I keep coming back to wondering if I should take a multi.
Anon
Multivitamins for myself and my husband cost us about $50/year. They are not harmful and may be quite helpful. “If you don’t have a deficiency” is a big “if.” We eat a healthy and varied diet, but I’m vegetarian and DH feels better when he takes a multi every morning.
Anon
Deficiency testing has a lot of limitations, so I find it more helpful to check intake. Every so often I do a week of tracking intake with cronometer (I think FitBit can do this too, but I’ve never tried it; I wish it were possible to disable the calorie/macro tracking in these apps, but I just ignore it).
That way I can see whether I’m meeting my RDAs without a multivitamin or not, and I can decide whether to tweak my diet or add a supplement. Sometimes I’m happy to tweak my diet (definitely not getting enough choline? well I could start eating eggs more often). Other times I would rather just supplement and not worry what I eat. Diet tracking becomes tedious after a week or so, but I think it’s fun to see where the nutrition is coming from (I had no idea that herbs and spices were making such big contributions in my diet, for example; I had assumed they were basically only good for taste!).
There are many studies on the shortcomings of the American diet, and many studies showing that Americans aren’t all that deficient when tested. And we know that more than 80% of Americans take some supplements. So I figure if I’m making up for the shortcomings of my diet, I’m not alone.
Anonymous
I’ve given up on a multi. I do take a calcium and vitamin D supplement because I am on hormonal suppression meds and am therefore prone to bone loss, but otherwise I leave it to my diet.
Anon
I feel conflicted about calcium supplementation after the cardiovascular risk studies (and also about vitamin D supplementation without K2, since people in my family have had trouble with calcium deposits). But I definitely need calcium. I’m trying a so-called “food-based” form hoping that somehow that’s more like increasing dietary calcium though I’m probably kidding myself. I used to eat sardine bones, but I don’t have it in me to eat anything I don’t want to these days!
Curious
I’ve had a conversations about this recently with an ARNP and a nutritionist. The nutritionist does not recommend calcium unless bone loss has been demonstrated. Both strongly recommended I take D and didn’t have a problem with occasional magnesium. They also recommended taking collagen any time I’m trying to build muscle. For all other vitamins, they were like… There’s no proof, please just eat some deep sea fish and fruits and vegetables.
Curious
These were both at the Fred Hutch cancer center, so pretty high quality of care
Eliza
My PCP said essentially the same thing at my most recent visit.
roxie
it feels like a pretty low-stakes risk to try a multi, you know?
I take B complex, D per my doc’s request even without testing, sometimes turmeric, fiber, and some others, depending.
Try the multi for a month or so and see how it feels!
Anon
My husband says he feels he has a lot more energy if he takes a B complex. He seems perfectly healthy, eats well, and has never tested as having a deficiency, but if it’s a vice it doesn’t seem any worse than using caffeine or sugar as a pick-me-up instead.
Anon
+1, I feel like I have more energy and am happier if I take my B complex and Vit D supplement. I have no idea if it’s a vice or a placebo, but either way it feels like a relatively harmless to get more energy.
Anon
Yeah, I take a multi even though I’ve looked at the label and the amounts are pretty small. I figure it can’t hurt. I have to take iron and B12 for deficiencies.
Anonymous
I actually take several supplements to help with migraine prevention: CoQ10, calcium/magnesium, and a B complex. These were recommended to me by a neurologist I saw several years ago and they seem to help. I also take Vitamin D at the recommendation of my OB/GYN, because my mother had breast cancer.
My husband takes a multivitamin because while we have a pretty good, varied diet, there can be gaps and multivitamins are a cheap, easy way to fill in those gaps. He takes a men’s-specific one that has a couple of ingredients in it that are supposed to support prostate health and so far, no problems in that area – don’t know if it’s because of the multi, but it’s nice for him not to have to deal with those issues.
Anon
I mostly think it’s expensive pee, but I do take a D/K supplement at the advice of my doctor because my blood levels were low. It seems to have brought me up to the bottom of the range.
Anon
Kind of a racket, but I like the gummies and sometimes they satisfy a sweet tooth craving so I buy them instead of gummy bears.
anon
I’m losing my mind. We have a cat that is peeing outside the litterbox. We now have 3 litterboxes for one cat. We’re thoroughly cleaning the areas after it happens. Vet has checked out kitty and has confirmed there isn’t a physical or health issue. It seems to be related to stress and/or desire to mark his territory. No other animals in the house, but there are lots of windows and he can see birds, dogs, etc. The vet recommended kitty Prozac, which seemed to do the trick for a couple of weeks, but now he’s at it again. Help?
Anon
Controversial but that’s how one of my cats became an outdoor cat. She lived a long, long life outdoors.
Cb
Yep, same! The problem stopped as soon as he could do his business al fresco. It might shorten his overall lifespan but improves his quality of life/reduces the likelihood of me divorcing my husband over a cat.
Anon
Same here. Sorry, not sorry. The cats were happier being able to go outside most of the time. We had a pet door so they could come in whenever they needed to, but once we let them outdoors they preferred to stay outdoors.
anonmi
I would try the cat pheromone diffuser and the cat-attract litter before going on a medication. We had this issue with one of our cats, and we ended up having to confine him to a smaller area of the house until he was recommitted to the litter box (he was peeing in one particular room outside the box), then slowly introduced him to the rest of the house over months. The behavior has not returned.
Anonymous
My cat used to do this. What I did was to put my kitty in my quiet bedroom/bathroom (and litterboxes) whenever I leave for work. He is also in the bedroom with me at night. The room has a large window so he can see outside, and is super quiet. He’s fine staying in his en suite all day & is so relaxed with no litterbox issues.
Lily
We have this issue with our male cat and it’s been going on for years. I posted a few weeks ago here to get ideas about how to make a cat an outdoor cat (in our new big suburban house with a big yard).
Our cat has been on prozac for years, no idea if it does anything. He’s going to have a kidney stone surgery in a few weeks but no idea if that will help at all. He had another major surgery a few years ago which the vet described as a s*x change (widening the urethra kind of), but clearly that did not solve the problem. No one seems to be able to tell us if it’s behavioral or physical or both. His pee sometimes has a little blood in it which sets off another round of vet visits, antibiotics, etc. We’re at our wits’ end!
anon
Is he actually peeing outside of the box? Meaning, squatting and peeing? If he is marking his territory, that means he backs up to a surface and sprays. One of my cats does the latter, and I have him on a low dose of paroxetine. It seems to help, but there are still times when he will spray to mark his territory. There are some outdoor neighborhood cats and that seems to trigger him.
If he is peeing outside the box, you could try Cat Attract litter. The little booklet in the litter suggests keeping the cat confined to a small area with the litter box to monitor his usage. You could try different types of boxes. If he is older, he could have arthritis issues which may require a low sided box.
Have there been any other changes in the household? Did the vet do just a urinalysis or urine culture? Bloodwork may also rule out any issues.
You could also check with your vet about gabapentin. Royal Canin also makes a “calming” type food that could help if it is related to stress. Also, plenty of playtime is good distraction.
Anon
My cat did this because she’s just… an anxious cat. I started giving her the VetriScience Composure treats (one a day in the evening) and the problem has resolved itself. I had tried a feliway diffuser and it didn’t work for my cat, but other people swear by it.
Anonymous
We have used these, as well as a urine sensitive diet. My cat has idiopathic cystitis and that might be your problem. Not an infection Dash it’s basically an anxiety disorder that manifests in the bladder and can recur. We had six months between the first and second recurrence but it’s been about 16 months now and with the special diet, about five minutes of laser pointer play each night, he seems happier and the peeing has almost stopped
Shenandoah
When they go outside the box, what are they peeing on? I know you’ve cleared the cat with your vet, but our male cat will start peeing on anything soft (blankets, pillows, towels, etc.) when he’s not feeling quite right. It’s usually leading up to a UTI. But our vet also thinks he has general anxiety that flares up occasionally. We use the Feliway pheromone diffuser and Cat Attract litter as the cherries on top.
anon
Carpet :(
Anonymous
I am being recruited to be a moderator for an event. It’s a good fit given my background and some work I’ve done in the past in various roles at different companies over the years (I’ve done product management, client and user groups, and primary market research focused on in person and phone interviews; this is a product in my general field and the users I’ve worked with before). I was asked to submit my “CV” for review after the call. This isn’t an academic role/function, nor am I in a field in any way related to academia.
Is this just another way of asking for my resume? Or given that it’s performing a function that’s not exactly my “day job” should it be some kind of skills-based resume? I’ve only ever seen the term CV as it relates to 4 pages of presentations and publications by academics.
Monday
Yeah I think this term is becoming more common, without meaning anything different. Just send them your resume exactly as-is.
Cornellian
I think CV is becoming more common in America, but at least where i’ve lived in Europe it’s used in the way we use resume already, so I’d just send that.
Anon
I’m in a CV field and most people I work with just use that term by default and wouldn’t care if you sent a resume. But I would send the longest version you have- if you have presentations and publications I’d definitely include those, as well as experience moderating or anything else relevant to the event. I wouldn’t spend too much time revamping your current resume, just make sure anything they’d want is on there.
Ellen
It’s just a cool new way to say resume in only two syllables (CEE VEE) as opposed to three (RES – U – MAY). Dad had a CV overseas when he was in the military and he showed it to me. It did not expand upon his jobs, just listed them. But for your purposes, just send them your resume as is, because they are just checking a box.
Nesprin
If this is an academic adjacent event, they prob want a academic style cv (>4pg common). If in europe, cv and resume are synonomous.
Anonymous
It isn’t at all. I ended up sending a tweaked version of my resume – more like a functional resume- and my standard resume. The recruiter said the functional one was perfect and it didn’t take more than 10 minutes to create.
Fwiw I’ve had massive career wins that dominate my resume but are meaningless to this role what is essentially a side gig.
Anon
I’m job hunting and I’ve noticed CV and resume are becoming interchangeable. Depending on the industry I don’t think most people know what an actual CV is.
Anon
Advice on decluttering shoes? Do people buy shoes off of Poshmark?
Anon
I definitely buy shoes off Poshmark. I find they’re an easy one to shop for since sizing is often pretty consistent within a brand, and it’s easy to assess their condition from photos.
Ellen
Goodwill, if clean and not too worn. Most people don’t buy used shoes unless they are not used, but once they get old, they loose flexibility and crack. My sister gave me a pair of cute and unused shoes which literally unglued after I started to wear them — but the heel separated on their first use, so I had to limp around for the rest of the day b/c I was in the City and dared not go bearfooted. Be careful b/c if you sell them, the buyer will be disappointed. Just give them to Goodwill and be careful you don’t overbuy in the future.
Anon
Shoes are the only thing I’ve consistently sold on poshmark
ALT
Yes! I’ve bought and sold shoes on Poshmark. The majority of my shoes either come from Poshmark or The Real Real since I can get a higher quality pair of shoes for a fraction of the cost. A quick Lysol wipe and leather conditioner does wonders!
Trish
I have always worn second hand clothes but I am more wary of wearing someone else’s shoes!
In-House in Houston
Yes, I buy/sell shoes on Poshmark. But IMO, they should be in almost new condition. Sometimes you buy shoes and wear them a few times to determine they don’t fit, but you can’t return them. Those are the shoes I would buy (and have purchased) on Poshmark. I don’t think anyone would buy used shoes that have visible wear to them. That’s yuck to me.
Anon
This is exactly right, I posted above that I sell shoes on poshmark a lot, but they’re almost all virtually unworn (once, hurt, couldn’t return).
Anon
Law people — how to secondments work? Do clients pay for the secondee? Pay at a discount? And is it relationship-driven (so partner with credit for client sends secondees to burnish the relationship or because the client demands it)? Or do clients feel entitled after a certain amount of spending at a law firm?
I’m sort of looking at this from the sausage factory side of the equation. Ugh.
Anonymous
In my experience, a client asks if someone is available for a secondment. Firms try to accommodate to keep the client happy and because the experience is valuable to employees. Typically a negotiated flat rate.
Amy
Depends on the company. Some pay OOP at a contract rate for a secondee. Some have a certain number of secondee hours included in the retainer fee they pay. I think it’s as relationship-driven as anything else – the relationship partner might choose an associate they think is really great, to impress the client. Or they might send someone subpart, since they “can’t spare” the really good associates from their current matters. (I’ve seen both happen.) It also depends on what type of experience/expertise the client needs.
Cornellian
I agree with all of this, but would add that some clients (at least in the funds world) seem to use secondees as a way to scope out lawyers they want to poach in a couple years. Not sure if that’s universal, but have had several friends end up in house that way.
Anom
When I was a secondee at a large, multinational, household name company they were entitled to a secondee as part of the firm being on their panel. I gave them 20 hrs/wk. When the secondment got extended, they paid $x/month for 20 hrs/wk of my time. It was less than my non-discounted rack rate.
Anon
In our firm, was generally considered something between a perk and a service to the client and a way of strengthening the relationship. we wouldn’t do it for every client that might have asked. Usually offered at a discount and the degree of discount is a collaboration between pricing and the client partner as to how good the deal is. every once in a blue moon it would be “free” but that would be very unusual.
Anon
They’re never free. Client pays firm a rate (typically negotiated) for full time help for a while.
Anon
Not true. My firm does soon for free
buffybot
Agree with the prior posters – the unhelpful answer is “it depends.” I worked at a large financial firm who would negotiate a secondee arrangement as a part of their larger relationship agreement with panel law firms. So each law firms would send one or two “tributes” for six month stints, which often got extended. The law firm would continue to pay the associate in most cases, although if there was a specific project that required an additional secondee, they might negotiate a cost structure where the client would pay some amount. Honestly for the secondees it was usually a sweet deal – in house hours at big law pay; no need to track hours; exposure to a client that often lead to a job offer later on down the line. For the law firms, it was part of an ecosystem where you’d accept it as a cost to stay embedded at the client and eventually send lawyers to work there that would in turn (you would hope) look to the firm for external advice.
Emma
I was a secondee in biglaw. Existing client, but the goal on my firm’s part was to solidify the relationship, and the goal on client’s part was to get maternity leave coverage. They definitely paid, but not my regular hourly rate for 8 hours a day (warning: I had not realized this would mess up my financial statistics for that year, I didn’t even know how much they were billing me for). It was fine – I got along with the team well, but I don’t think it led to the strong increase in business generation the firm was hoping for (not because they didn’t like me but because budgets were tight). I was a good experience for me, better life balance and some insight, but if I was gunning for partner it would have set me back a little – there was a ramp-up period when I came back to the firm. I left 18 months later to go in-house (not at that place) so it didn’t really matter.
Anon
Small friendship hack: connecting over silly shows! I’ve found that if a friend and I are watching the same dumb reality show around the same time, it means we’re eager to discuss the characters’ antics, which then opens up opportunities to check in about life, etc. without it being some big “so how ARE you” thing, which feels really freeing and nice. The Ultimatum and The Circle have been great for this—I reconnected with a couple long-distance friends this way. Something about the spontaneous sharing of reality TV gossip both takes the pressure off about life catch-ups and makes them more likely to actually happen. Figured I’d share since there have been a lot of posts about struggling w/staying in touch or reaching out when lives move in different directions.
ALT
Yes! A friend and I did this with a rewatch of Greys Anatomy…we restarted the first season together and then we would text about what was happening while watching. It was fun and really made us feel like we were having a sleepover or something back in the old days.
pugsnbourbon
That’s a good idea! I like to text one of my friends about niche horror movies.
Show recommendation – we are watching Outer Range on Am@zon and it’s a delight. Truly bonkers. The actors were told to just go 1000% and somehow it works.
Anon
I have a relationship with my daughter’s boyfriend’s mother based solely on discussing the real housewives. We don’t have much in common – different politics (polar opposites), she’s a lifelong SAHM and I’m a career woman/breadwinner, etc, but we can sure text about RHONJ and whether Teresa is stupid or crazy or both.
Anon
In a tense meeting yesterday, I think I arrived at the conclusion that my boss’ boss and I don’t like each other. I can say for sure I don’t like him – he’s immature and petty, and only listens to feedback when it aligns with what he’s already decided to believe. But I realized in our exchange yesterday that I don’t think he’s my biggest fan either. Part of me says this is something I should work on – cultivating some kind of better relationship with him – but the other part of me thinks that as long as we can work together productively, it doesn’t matter. I am not one of those “everyone has to like me” people generally, but this person does have considerable influence over my career and so I am wondering if it’s worth the effort to try to develop a better rapport with him so working together is easier. I also don’t want my boss, whom I like a great deal and who is very competent and sensible, to feel put in the middle. If there was any way to just avoid contact with her boss, I would do it, but that’s not going to be possible. Advice?
AIMS
I think you have to work on making the relationship better. Particularly the way you describe this person, it doesn’t sound like this will be a non-issue otherwise.
Anon
I agree. A harmless “great idea” kind of comment will go a long way with someone like this. Just do it once or twice in a meeting and it will go a long way.
Anon
Yes, you do have to care about him liking you if you want to stay employed there. Your boss can only protect you so much. Like it or not, you’re in a hierarchy and how the people above you view you matters a lot. And while you don’t need to be a pleaser, it’s good to figure out how to be liked as a general matter by a lot of people. Unlikeable people don’t get too far.
Monday
Unless you’re in health care during a pandemic! I wouldn’t say I’m unlikeable, but I’m not here to make friends, and immature and petty men in management are my least favorite. I don’t care if they can tell; they need me much more than I need them. I always have the high ground because I’m the one actually seeing patients.
I guess I am just posting this to say that if anyone has this issue as a primary problem in work, there are situations in which you’re so badly needed that you don’t have to kiss the ring. In health care this seems very unlikely to change any time soon.
AIMS
I think you’re right that this is a know your workplace issue and there is certainly room for assessing who you don’t need to be nice to, but I wouldn’t start with that premise in most workplaces or life situations. I actually think you’re pretty likable so I sincerely doubt this is an issue for you but I do see it become an issue for people, even in healthcare (particularly where people have to work on surgical teams, etc., together). There are certainly people that I have worked with that I made a decision that I don’t need to be “nice” to, but that was always earned and considered first.
Monday
I agree with this take, and thanks for thinking I am likeable!
I probably was overstating my opinion. It’s definitely important to get along with colleagues, no matter what, and I have never had personal conflict with colleagues. I was suggesting that sometimes you don’t have to care if people far removed from your work like you–though that may not be the OP’s situation. And no, you definitely can’t start from this assumption. But if you find you have leeway because you’re doing a really hard job that nobody wants to do, well, it is some consolation!
AIMS
This is a great distinction. There is a difference between needing to be BFFs with everyone you meet (not necessary) and being generally likable (mostly necessary). To conflate the two and reject both will be to your detriment.
Flats Only
This. Also keep in mind that letting someone know subtly or overtly that you don’t like them is totally unnecessary and very poor strategy. There are several people in my org who I don’t like, some are higher ups, some are peers. None of them have any idea, and it’s to my advantage to keep it that way by making sure to be pleasant and professional at all times when dealing with them.
Anonymous
This. Also keep in mind that letting someone know subtly or overtly that you don’t like them is totally unnecessary and very poor strategy. There are several people in my org who I don’t like, some are higher ups, some are peers. None of them have any idea, and it’s to my advantage to keep it that way by making sure to be pleasant and professional at all times when dealing with them.
Anon
My husband had this problem and his boss’ boss retired which solved it. But he did do his best to maintain a good relationship. I had someone that disliked my boss and (by extension) me. I was able to remain cordial with him until he left, which was not too long fortunately.
Anonymous
Is there some kind of online calculator where I can enter my salary, debt )credit card), and bills and it can help me figure out how quickly to pay down debt/how much I can save? I can’t find one that isn’t for mortgages.
AIMS
Wasn’t there something called You Need a Budget that did this?
Anon
YNAB is a budgeting software. This might be one of the features you can access, but that’s not its main purpose.
Anon
I like the website “unbury.me”. It’s geared towards helping weigh the length and time it takes to pay off debt using the avalanche or snowball method. It generates some nice charts. It doesn’t help with documenting a budget though.
MagicUnicorn
Bankrate and Nerdwallet always seem to have decent calculators.
Trish
I just turned my small solo law firm into an S corportation. I need information on what a bookkeeper/accountant should being for me and what I should be paying. How much access to my accounts? Do I still need to use Quicken? If I am running low, do I forgo payroll to myself or do I make a loan from my personal savings to the business?
There is a reason I stayed working for the government for many years! Looking for hive wisdom! (Yes, I have a bookkeeper, I am still asking you guys for experience and/or resources.)
Anon
Get a CPA (from a trusted friend/family member/other business owner), and let them guide you. I am a CPA to small business clients and it varies from client to client on how much access there is granted and services provided. Most CPAs can provide a quote on these X services will run you Y cost. It doesn’t hurt to talk to a few different CPAs either.
Anon
Get a CPA (from a trusted friend/family member/other business owner), and let them guide you. I am a CPA to small business clients and it varies from client to client on how much access there is granted and services provided. Most CPAs can provide a quote on these X services will run you Y cost. It doesn’t hurt to talk to a few different CPAs either.
Trish
Thank you! This is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for! I am afraid I am already messing up my trust account.
Anon
What to wear for an interview for an associate general counsel role at a big tech company (think Google, Meta, Amazon, etc.) I’m an east coaster with a big law background, so my natural tendency is dark suit with cream silk blouse, but I’m worried that will look too starchy and formal. Recs?
Anon
Just curious, is FAANG now MAANG?
Anon
I’ve seen that in some financial press.
Anon
Wow, this comment threw me for a loop
Anonymous
Or maybe MAANA or MAAAN even if no one refers to Google as Alphabet?
(Sorry to OP for the complete threadjack)
Anne-on
I interviewed at AWS last year and the recruiter shared explicit guidance on attire, format, questions, etc. It was designed to eliminate the edge certain applicants who ‘know’ the interview tips/questions might have over others from different backgrounds, and I thought it was a great idea! If they don’t send you that (and Amazon explicitly said no suits needed), I’d probably default to a blazer/slacks with a colorful blouse, or dress plus blazer, with funky accessorites.
Anon
I interviewed for an AGC role at MAANG last year (via zoom) and wore my standard suit dress plus blazer for most of my interviews. I was way overdressed compared to my interviewers but it seemed fine and I got an offer.
In-House in Houston
Has anyone tried “the daily look” subscription service? I really like what they show in their ad on FB, but the comments are eh…..
TIA!
Anon
Tried it and hated it. Didn’t keep a single thing from the first box and immediately canceled the subscription because it was clear they were VERY far off on my taste. I spent about an hour on their questionnaire, giving details about my preferences, identifying “influencers” whose style I liked, etc… and it was like they didn’t even read it. A few specific examples: I said I didn’t want any denim, nothing sleeveless, and nothing with a floral pattern. The bulk of my box was denim (jeans & shorts), floral (dress and top), and sleeveless (every top except their “helpful” idea of a cardigan). Hard pass.
What do I wear?
This is an embarrassingly vague question, but I realized last weekend that I have no idea what to wear for casual dinners out etc anymore. I’m in my late 30s and I lean toward a classic look, but I am not very comfortable in dresses.
I work straight leg pants and a basic tee with pointy flats to a relatively nice restaurant and felt like a dinosaur. How do I begin to update my wardrobe?
Go for it
Ideas:
add a sparkly scarf
T in scoop neck in a shinier fabric
Big hoop strings
Anon
These are all terrible suggestions unless you want to look like it’s 2010.
Go for it
whatever
kitten
lol I think it was a joke
Anon
I hope so!
Anonymous
Go to Anthropologie and buy a couple of cute tops and get a pair of jeans at madewell
Anonymous
I think your pants sound fine – go to a trend store (anthro, made well) and get a few tops that are trendier. you can also upgrade shoes to a fun boot (eg blundstones) or trendy sneaker (I love Vejas right now).
Anonymous
Are you me? My skinny jeans, blouse and blazer from pre covid feels very dated now. I’ve been trying 501 style jeans with a tucked in tshirt and leather jacket, slightly more cropped cardigans, lots of shirts tucked in. Changing up the jeans made the most difference for me. I’ve picked up a few shirt dresses and still plan to wear those with denim jackets. I guess not exactly stylish but feels a bit more put together than I was! I would go to a department store and try on a ton of dress shapes with just an idea of finding a shape you might like.
AIMS
Straight leg jeans and a slightly oversized button down shirt, tucked in, with loafers or nice sneakers? Add sweater if seasonally appropriate. Blazer if you want to dress it up (you can swap button down for a wily camisole). Breton shirt if you want to be a little more casual.
AIMS
Silky, not wily but a ‘wily camisole’ does sound intriguing.
Anon
Honestly, this doesn’t sound that outdated! You’re not wearing skinny jeans – check. Flats are starting to come back, although absolutely no rounded toe flats (pointed is acceptable and square toe seems to be the big trend of the moment). Just add some fun, on trend jewelry and you’ve got an easy, put together outfit!
Rounded Toe
The latest Harper’s Bazaar had a feature on ballet flats!
kitten
straight leg leather pants or jeans, bodysuits, cropped blouses, sandals or slides w small heel or cool sneakers
anon
My organization recently raised starting salaries. I am now in the position of having 8 years of experience making less than the brand new graduates. I pushed back on this and was told the local government didn’t authorize raises for everyone, just the starting salaries. (Local government job). I’m feeling very demoralized and although I love my job, I’m loving it a lot less now that I know what the starters are making
Anon
Brush up your resume and apply to be the new person someone else
Anon
I work in government, and what you were told rings true, from what I have seen over many years. Unfortunately, the advice to move to a new job likely is the solution, as government is slow to address salary compression and retention issues.
Anonymous
Sadly, this has been my entire career. The only solutions that I have found is jump to a new position or work with you organization to create a new job title for your position, at which point, a new salary range can be used.
Betsy
In a similarly bureaucratic organization, although not local government, I have also found that reclassifying my position was the best way to make significant salary changes. Usually the nice thing about that kind of organization is that you have easy access to job descriptions. I would start there and find a higher classified position with a similar job description to what you are doing and build your argument that you’re working at that level. Once I even got my boss a promotion by doing that, because the position I was bumped into was a level above his, so they moved us both up!
Anon
I work in local government and recommend asking for your classification be reviewed. We let anyone do it at any time. It generally results in both a classification review and an equity review, which may help you.
I have seen significant movement in my salary and it has been due to: increased minimums, reclass, equity, reclass, equity. So every time they reclassify me, I am underpaid until I ask for a review.
Anon
Look for a new job. Tell your local city council, or whatever the decision making body is, that this is not a very wise approach to recruitment and retention.
Pondering Lateral
Any recommendations for a legal recruiter willing to work for hourly services? I have happened into an opportunity to jump law firms but would like to retain support solely to benchmark a job offer, if/when I get to that point, just to affirm its market. (Salary is not my motivation for leaving but I do not want to leave money on the table.)
startup lawyer
just talk to a recruiter about the general market and not mention specifics. i have heard the hiring frenzy is slowing down. the offers of late 2021 aren’t coming around anymore.
Anon
I need a reset. I’m feeling unmotivated in every aspect of life – work, exercise, nutrition, cleaning, basic chores. It might be partially depression but I think it’s also partially just the regular blahs. How do I snap out of this? How do I give myself a reset?
Anon
me too!!! eagerly awaiting suggestions
Anon
Therapy. Then little changes like getting up ten minutes earlier to enjoy coffee outside or going for a walk after dinner. Even something like calling a family member is helpful. Any little tweak to get you out of your rut.
Monday
Do things that are not part of your routine. A bigger thing would be a weekend day trip, and a smaller thing would be just buying something you don’t usually get at the grocery store. This in itself may not get you out of the rut, but I find that when I start stepping out of my routine in any way, ideas start coming and motivation returns.
Anon
Take a complete break and come back.
Long weekend in an airbnb, camping and hiking trip for 2 days, girls trip, or some change of scene to give your brain that reboot. I tend to come back energized and ready to return to everything again and do it better than before.
Anon
Does anyone have advice on picking a wedding planner?
We have a date (this fall), a venue and some details in place, but are overwhelmed by everything else. We’ve interviewed (by phone) 4 planners. #1 is more of a month-of coordinator — she has lists of vendors she’s worked with before, but you book everything yourself and then she helps with the confirmations and details towards the end, and takes care of all that on the day of. #2-4 are more full service — they source possible vendors and help with contracts and booking, plus all of the above. #1 has a flat fee and #2, 3, and 4 each told me they would get back to me with proposals. We got a really great vibe from #3, and didn’t really like #2 or #4 very much.
We would prefer a more full-service experience, but are concerned about the cost. Should we cut #2 and #4 loose now, so they don’t waste their time preparing proposals, and just decide between #1 and #3 after we have a proposal? Or just wait for them all to come in and compare?
Everyone on this list was on our venue’s list of people they’ve worked with before, and they all have glowing reviews online. I plan to check references before signing, but checking references for 4 people seems like… a lot.
Anonymous
Go for #1.
Signed, someone who did the same with.reservations but it was the best way to go for the most stressful month!
Curious
Vibes matter. Cut 2 and 4 loose, then choose between 1 and 3.
Amelia Earhart
I found out today I’m being laid off, my whole team is. While we were told multiple times that we would be spared, this isn’t entirely surprising and I have been interviewing, but I’m so much more upset than I anticipated I would be.
Cornellian
Oh no, I’m sorry! Is there something we can do? if you post industry/city maybe folks have recs?
Anon
I’m so sorry. Been there and it sucks. Remember, it really is not about you. I’m glad you were already interviewing. I wish you luck in your search.
Shelle
I was laid off a few years ago and even though I knew it was coming it was hard! I cleared my schedule that evening to cry. It sounds like you’re taking the right steps to move forward. I suggest also making time to grieve and go easy on yourself. Wishing you strength and courage.
anon
I’m so sorry – getting laid off is shocking. Don’t be afraid to lean on your family and friends and don’t be ashamed to tell the people in your life. And don’t force yourself to work on job applications this weekend.
I found watching Office Space oddly cathartic when it happened to me.