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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Solene Cashmere Cardigan

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A woman wearing an ivory cardigan, white top, and blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

It was absolutely sweltering in the Northeast last week, which means that the office air conditioning systems have been working overtime. The back-of-the-chair office cardigans are the real heroes of the summer, so I went in search of something that would feel a little bit luxurious.

This ivory cardigan from Veronica Beard will pair nicely with almost any summer outfit. Wear it with a navy-striped top for a preppy look or over an all-white outfit if you’re really leaning into the summer vibe.

The sweater is $448 at Veronica Beard and comes in sizes XS–XL. It also comes in “hydrangea” and “soft raspberry.”

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

376 Comments

  1. The Monday coming back from vacation is rough – is it a red flag to take the Monday after any future trips off too, as long as I have the PTO? Or maybe a half day off.

    1. I think if you have the time, that’s fine. I certainly wouldn’t call in sick. That said, I think then Tuesday will be rough….

    2. Is it rough because you still have stuff to do at home (unpacking, grocery run, etc)? Or because the buildup of emails is too much? If it’s the former, I would take PTO if I had it.

      1. Closer to the former. Usually its that I’m tired from travel, but its also just psychologically I don’t want to start work yet. Build up of emails is not a problem but I just would rather do it on Monday afternoon than Monday morning. Because I work with folks in Europe I need to start early so even a half day would help.

    3. I usually try to get home on Saturday so I have all of sunday to get my life back together before having to be at work.

      1. Beach rentals used to be 7 days. Somehow paying for 7 mean you tend to stay and get back late and cranky. One upside of AirBNB is that some places will have odd lots for rent, and snagging a random Sunday-TH rental has been a magical amount of time with breathing room to pack and unpack.

    4. My compromise is to set my OOO message to say I’ll be in on Tuesday, but I go in Monday to catch up.

      1. Same here. I fake return and work from home to catch up on everything including laundry.

        1. YUP. I pre-request the day and then generally end up working a catch-up day where I get through all my email but have no meetings and leave my OOO up.

    5. I absolutely cannot go back to work right after a vacation. Always take an extra day of PTO!

    6. I block my calendar the morning after a vacation for “digging out” – so I don’t have to dive into calls, etc. before I get through the inbox.

      1. The way my schedule is set up I always have meetings in the morning, every day. So I’m thinking of taking a half day off for Monday morning and then logging on in the afternoon for emails etc

      2. This is the way. I also try to add on a day of vacation to get my home life in order first, if at all possible.

        1. I refuse to burn PTO on that! The only thing I always do immediately is empty the suitcases and bring the contents where they need to be (laundry room or the cabinet where we store all our travel-specific stuff) so that we don’t have a mess in the entryway. The actual laundry and putting away can be fit in after work at night!

          1. The week of a return is like the python of the house slowly digesting the pig (the piles of stuff appearing, the laundry, the things needing to be put away). Does not need to be instantaneous. You ain’t gonna be on the homes tour imminently.

          2. I also refuse to burn PTO on that, although with kids we usually try to arrive home by Saturday night, whereas pre-kid I always came home late in the day on Sunday.

      3. This is the way. Then you don’t burn a vacation day or leave an amazing destination early just to do laundry, but you have a little time to figure out what’s going on at work before diving into stuff that matters.

    7. Nope, DH is a huge fan of this and plans all trips he goes on this way.

      If you can get away with it, I like to add a day to my out of office message for outside contacts. So while I’m on vacation/actually out of office Monday-Friday, in my out of office message I’ll say I’m out of office Monday-Monday, returning Tuesday. That gives me a day back in my office to catch up, without anyone knowing I’m back and expecting a response. I tell my internal staff that I’m doing it, so they don’t alert me that my out of office is wrong. :)

    8. Based off of your comments, I think taking a half day off Monday AM is the way to go. You get to sleep in, get a few things done around the house and then ease back into working in the afternoon.

    10. We’ve started coming back on Saturday from trips for this reason. We often leave on Friday (so take off the Friday before) instead.

    11. I don’t think it’s a red flag, do what works for you.

      Pre-kids, I wanted to get every day of my vacation and would often fly back very late on Sunday. I figured I could get my chores done during the week.

      Now, with kids, I want a day to relax at home once they are back in daycare

  2. I need help deciding on a piece of DY jewelry for a gift for me. My office is business casual, but I dress on the business end of things. My style is very classic and preppy, and most of my clothes are from J.Crew (both work and casual). Should I go with an 18” pearl strand with an interesting clasp that can be displayed almost as a pendant or an adjustable length chain with a pendant that is a bunch of interlocking silver circles. I know some people here don’t like DY, but I am a fan and the gift giver prefers to buy from this brand for Reasons.

    1. do you have pearls? if you already have them then maybe the necklact but otherwise pearls are great

      1. I do not! I haven’t been a big necklace person in the past. I have several pairs of pearl earrings and wear them frequently, so I know I like pearls.

        1. the one with the interlocking circles my mom had and i inherited it from her (or it’s one that is silver and gold) and I like it. I do also have pearls, but rarely wear them right now.

    2. if your style is already preppy, adding a strand of pearls kind of REALLY doubles down on the look. I’d pick a “station” necklace instead of a classic strand.

      1. Thanks. I already have a long station necklace from Ippolita and want something different.

      2. Pearls are classic for a reason. If OP doesn’t already have them, and this is a meaningful gift, it’s perfect to get pearls now.

    3. I would go with an actual pendant.

      Personally, I think intentionally wearing a strand of pearls with the clasp in front as though it is a charm just looks silly, like wearing your polo shirt collar popped. I had one coworker who leaned hard into the demonstrative display of her clasp and it always made me laugh when someone would try to politely point out that her necklace was crooked, as though it were spinach in her teeth. Maybe that is a more popular affectation in your circle? In which case, a strand of pearls is such a great, versatile piece.

      1. lol. It isn’t really a normal clasp, it’s a decorative element turned into a functional clasp. It’s definitely meant to be displayed, it has diamonds on it. But point taken.

          1. If the clasp itself is intended to be seen that is one thing. My coworker didn’t realize her totally normal clasp was…not that. She just thought it belonged in front, arranged to hang at 7:30 no matter what, and looked *fancy* that way. She was also the type to tailor her clothing to within a thread of its life (she split her seams so many times upon sitting down that I lost count) and couldn’t walk at a normal pace because she wore such absurdly high heels. As for her material work product, it didn’t exist. So these fashun quirks of hers are the only impression she left on us.

            Any time imposter syndrome tries to creep in I remind myself that if someone as vapid as she was could fake it enough to get by, I can’t help but succeed.

        1. I like it. I also have a preppy style and I think it would get a lot of wear with knit crew neck type tops. Not edgy but classic.

      3. Sorry your co-worker missed the mark on her fashion, but wow do you sound mean and bitter. What a sad little life.

    4. I adore pearls and I personally wouldn’t buy them from David Yurman because I think they’re insanely marked up for not that interesting designs. I’d go with the chain and pendant.
      If you DO want pearls I’d take a look at Kojima Pearls for interesting colors/designs or Pearl Paradise if you want something very classic.

      1. Thanks. I understand it is paying for the brand, but that is the gift giver’s preference.

    5. I should add that I’m looking for something to wear on top of crew neck knits, like short sleeve silk merino sweaters for example, with or without a blazer.

    6. Do the pearls, everyone needs a beautiful pearl strand

      Depending on what you already have, I think if you’re doing David Yurman, you do one of the classic bracelets or a ring with a really pretty stone that you like. I also like the pave diamond earrings. usually they are studs, but there are also some with little dangles.

        1. Thanks, very nice! I have two pairs of their huggies already so I really want to switch gears and get a necklace. Any recommendations on a necklace that goes with a crew neck top?

      2. I looked at the website and the style. I’m thinking of for the earrings is called starburst. I have a pair of the studs.

    7. I have had my eye on a Mikimoto pearl necklace for 20+ years. They have various special editions which feature clasps and intentionally placed decorative touches along the strand so it doesn’t look like you are wearing your necklace backwards. The necklace I have in mind was very preppy.

      One day, I’ll get my necklace! The Mikimoto jewelry is something you might be ok to buy second hand as most would only be occasionally wearing the piece.

    8. Not pearls.

      I love pearls, think they look beautiful against my skin, and have several pearl necklaces of different styles and lengths.

      I never wear them anymore. When I put them on, they look wrong and unfashionable.

        1. I commented above, but I am also a preppy-classic dresser, and don’t reach for my pearls nearly as often as I did 10-15 years ago.

    9. I’m not a preppy dresser, but based on what you describe about your style, I would get the pearls. Both would be great, but I think the pearls will always be relevant to a preppy dresser, and I’m assuming you’re confident you will most likely have a classic style 10 or 20 years on as well.

  3. The only storage we have in our main bathroom are some deep cabinets next to the shower. That is the only place we have to store medicines, first aid stuff, etc. but it is impossible to find anything in there and the cabinets end up being a mess. What are some storage solutions for deep cabinets?

    1. you can have drawers or sliding shelves put in. depending on how much you want to spend you could have a real cabinet maker bling them out or container store probably sells stuff….

    2. It’s not elegant but I put a clear shoe holder on the back of the bathroom door, and use that for extra storage.

    4. Baskets or bins with all the small stuff on the front half of the shelves so you can pull them out to more easily reach the back. Bulky stuff (TP, paper towels, etc.) or things you rarely need to access (seasonal beach towels, specialty grooming appliances you only use sporadically) in the back.

    5. I like narrow width, deep length clear acrylic bins and use those as drawers. I get the ones made for fridges.

    6. STAK bins from the container store. We buy them for the length of the cabinet and they have little wheels that you can pull them out. They are pretty or cute but super customizable and functional. Depending on your space they can stack as well.

      1. How do these work-do you have to install a track or stopper so they don’t glide all over the place?

    7. Two options, first is replace your mirror with a medicine cabinet hat has a mirror. Pottery Barn, RH, etc. all make these. That’s the easiest solution. Second easiest is have a contractor install a medicine cabinet in your wall – they’re shallow in depth and work with the framing of most bathrooms, but you’ll need someone to cut into your sheetrock.

    8. You can buy freestanding wire or plastic things with drawers off Amazon if you don’t want to deal with mounting something. I use two in the cabinet under my kitchen sink and some other random cabinets.

    9. I have deep cupboards in my bathrooms and use plastic boxes the size of shoe boxes and clearly label them i.e skin (elastoplasts, antimicrobial creams, anti-itch cream, wipes etc.), respiratory (throat lozenges, cough medicine, Vick’s vapor rub etc.), dental, cleansing (electric tooth brush heads, floss, soap, shampoo, etc.) and so on.

  4. not sure what’s in all of your instagram feeds, but mine is targeted towards meopausal women’s fitness. I keep seeing all these adds for wall pilates which seems a bit intriguing but i haven’t really been able to find anything that’s free… has anyone had any experience with reverse or 28 day challenge or any of the others?

    1. I also see the adds for wall Pilates but have no experience with it or the others you posted. I love in-studio Pilates.

  5. Has anyone been to the Sezanne popup in DC (or another location)? I know they are recommended often here – I’m a size 12-14 and wondering if it’s worth the effort to go or if they only stock smaller sizes.

    1. I went to one in my city this spring. They only displayed a few sizes of each item but seemed to have a stock room full of sizes. I was on the other end of the range and had to ask for specific sizes.

    2. I’m the same size range and they had lots of sizes on the floor of some of the more popular items (sweaters, button down shirts). I didn’t ask for other sizes in DC but at the NYC pop up they had no problem finding sizes in the back when I asked. If you can go on a weekday I’d recommend that, it can get packed on weekends.

  6. If your relationship has gone through a rough patch, any tips for making it through?

    (We’re currently in the super young kids phase. We both really want a strong relationship and also are really tired.)

    1. The best advice I got during that stage is that it’s fleeting. It’s so hard, because there are so many needs to meet. Your children’s. Your relationship. Each individual in said relationship. Add in work, extended family, friends, and it’s just a lot. You both could be putting in 100 percent and it still wouldn’t be enough. So, give yourselves a ton of grace.

      During that phase, we did a lot of at-home date nights because going out and finding a sitter was honestly just another hurdle most of the time. We’d order in, something that the kids wouldn’t like or eat. We’d just hang out and talk or sit still and watch a movie. I learned that eating sushi in pajamas with my husband is surprisingly wonderful.

      Give each other a ton of grace. And if you can manage it, set up good household systems to lessen the decision making and mental load for both of you.

    2. The super young kids phase is the hardest. I think it’s pretty cliché advice, but get some time away from the kids. That means babysitters and date nights, or if you’re lucky enough to have a friend or relative who will keep the kids overnight, that’s a trip for you and husband to a hotel, or an Airbnb, to spend the weekend getting room service and getting it on. Just find time to connect with each other and make it a point to not talk about the kids.

    3. I don’t think anyone has a great time in the super young kids phase- you’re constantly sleep deprived and feeling like you should be doing more and dealing with physical changes from childbearing.

      Buying time back with a cleaning service, takeout, babysitters could help- if you have more time, you have more time to spend with each other (and sleep enough to enjoy each others company)

    4. It is very hard. Hang in there.

      Spouse and I went through a rough patch in this stage and one night we finally had a huge fight in which we both vented our resentments, after which we both felt so bad that neither of us could sleep. We hammered out two agreements in those wee hours: (1) “thank you first” i.e. if your spouse does something you have to say thank you before you say anything else (2) tagging in/out with the kids. It wasn’t easy but we made our way to a good place from there.

    5. Sign up for the Gottman Institute’s Marriage Minute emails. You get two emails per week. My partner and I read them together when it is convenient and then have a short check-in about the topic. I really think these have helped us be more mindful about our actions toward each other, and they’ve helped us communicate better. I have recommended these to at least 5 other couples, and they have shared that they’ve been helpful. Good luck!

  7. Any mid size influencers or accounts to follow where the people are not classic hour classes for shape but flatchested? I find ladies with great style but I need to dress a very different midsize shape. :(

    2. As a size 14 pear who is a AA up top, following with interest. I swear I see people with my silhouette in the wild regularly enough to know I am not an extreme outlier, but finding an influencer with my shape is nigh impossible.

  8. Which comes first in a relationship for you– physical compatibility or common interests? I know it’s not a dichotomy and you need both to make a successful relationship, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently and I’m curious to hear different people’s opinions.

    I always dated prioritizing common interests/someone I had really good conversation with or had a lot of similarities to me. My ex-husband and I had SO much in common but very little physical compatibility. For the first time I just started dating someone with whom I have very little in common with but our physical chemistry is off the charts. We’re fascinated with each other *because* we’re so different and have had such disparate lives up to this point. It’s been really fantastic so far, and so different from my other relationships.

    I have friends in successful marriages on both sides– curious how it’s shaken out for you.

    1. for me physical attraction comes from emotional connection, and that came more from similar overall intellectual curiosity and sense of humor more so than common actual interests.

    2. Following! I’ve recently started hooking up with a friend with whom I have lots of life compatibility and it’s yet to be seen what our physical compatibility is.

    3. By physical compatibility, do you mean s*xually? Or are you including things like energy level, sleep habits, eating habits? When I was younger, I did not consider the latter factors, but I have learned that they are also tremendously important in a long term relationship.

      1. Yeah, mid 20s me didn’t see these are super important but mid 40s me thinks they are!

    4. Almost always, common interests. However, there needs to be some basic level of chemistry and some desire to garden together (even if not now, someone in the future).

    5. I think I’d order it:
      1. Life compatibility (are you on the same page on the big questions: what’s important in life, how decisions are made, values)
      2. Physical compatibility
      3. Common interests (hobbies, etc)

      with the caveat that none of these should be actual Zero; and also I’ve seen wonderful, successful marriages with varying non-Zero levels and different balances

    6. Common value systems (if not common interests) is more important to me than physical attraction but there needs to be some level of attraction otherwise that’s just a friendship (imho). I have close male friends that I have a ton in common with but don’t want to be physical with – I simply couldn’t ‘force’ that part of it even if I wanted to.

    7. I don’t think common interests matter that much. My relationship where we had crazy off the charts chemistry/gardening was one where we had very little in common.

      I’ve tried to force the physical connection with guys who are “good on paper” and it never works.

      1. Agreed, though common values is important to me. I need to respect him and think he is a positive person in the world. My current relationship is based on that plus physical compatibility. I am happy then to take enough interest in (some of) his hobbies and interests such that we can talk about them and to let him educate me or just ramble on about others but not participate in any way.

      2. Personally, I think caring enough to express curiosity in each other’s interests is important, but sharing hobbies is not. It’s fun to support each other and be conversant in things we each find important, but I prefer to have my own separate hobbies. Doing everything together would be smothering.

        1. OP here and yeah I think this was the problem with my marriage– it was smothering to do everything together and we never had anything to talk about. With my current boyfriend, because our interests and backgrounds are so different it seems like we are endlessly curious about each other.

        2. Agree. I posted below that I have great physical energy with my somewhat opposite husband. We have different interests and different groups of friends with some, but not 100%, overlap. It keeps things interesting and I really think it helps that we’re not trying to piggyback on each other all the time.

    8. Considering my long term relationships all started as hook ups, I’d say physical compatibility.

      1. I’m not sure I agree with this. When someone checks every box, there can be a tendency to allow the relationship to meet every relationship need (spouse but also BFF, colleague, conversation partner for every area of interest, partner for every hobby and activity, etc.). I married my high school sweetheart and we went to grad school together far away from anyone else we knew, so I have experienced with this. It’s still what I would choose, but it can be a lot of pressure on a relationship, and sometimes I’ve noticed that I find it attractive when my partner gets interested in something I’m absolutely not interested in, and vice versa. So I think having a robust community with family and friends to share interests that one’s partner doesn’t share has things to be said for it too.

        1. No. You’re settling. The commenter above knows from experience how much better a relationship can be than whatever you have. I’m sorry.

          1. Wait, which is it? I was saying that for me, it was all important, and my partner checks every box and we share 99% of interests (I’m not really all that into bench pressing). That’s settling too?

          3. I’m not even following the sarcasm. Anyway I agree with people who are saying that a lot of common interests are less important than chemistry and shared values; common interests are the easiest way to make new friends, and it’s good to have friends besides one’s spouse.

        2. Thank you for articulating this!

          My spouse has long had the tendency to lean on me to fulfill his every need for human interaction. Earlier in our relationship I thought that was the goal of married life and was a sign of just how perfect we were for each other. However, I grew more and more burned out and my mental health began to suffer as I tried to be everything to him in every way. I was frequently angry and he thought I no longer loved him. He was not happy, I was not happy, and we began to blame each other for our mutual discontent. We finally recognized how unhealthy that dynamic was, have worked hard to dismantle it and to build better habits. Each time we have drifted back into that old dynamic, our relationship goes through a rough patch.

          Both of us contributed to the problem in different ways. Both of us have had to learn how to recognize our own behaviors that fed that. And both of us have had to build tools to avoid falling into that trap again. Him by recognizing that when he wants to interact with someone, I am not the only person he can go to. He can call a friend, he can practice his hobbies, he can volunteer, he can exercise, and he can do any of those things without depending on me. I can recognize when I am starting to feel smothered and can use my words to tell him – kindly – that I need space. I remind myself that my boundaries are important, and that I need time alone so I can mentally recharge enough to interact with him in a loving way, and have learned to not feel guilty for telling him I cannot be his feelings repository day in and day out.

    10. I’ve been married to a man for 25 years who is my opposite in many ways, but we find that we complement each other. Physical chemistry is great and always has been, and I don’t think I could have a long-term marriage without it, personally.

          1. I agree with this, but it can be stressful in terms of “in sickness and in health” because health issues can really do a number on this. I’m glad we persisted through some patches with undiagnosed health obstacles and made it out to the other side.

          2. That’s true of anything though. It’s important for both partners to contribute to the household; that might not happen when someone is fighting cancer. Work, chores, childcare are all affected and it’s okay. But you wouldn’t go into a marriage with someone who sits around all day and does nothing.

          4. I think there can still be physical chemistry when there is not sex for some reason, such as those on the other comments.

    11. I also had a ton of common interests with my ex husband, and not a lot of physical chemistry. I’m happily remarried to someone I have a lot of chemistry and very few common interests with. To me the biggest variable was values: we fundamentally wanted the same things for our family and the same values for our marriage – honesty, supporting each other, pooling our finances as a team. My ex and I could talk about hobbies and current affairs all day long but somehow we ended up wanting really different things and kind of competing against each other which was a terrible dynamic.

      1. OP here and this makes me excited for the future of my current relationship! I always thought I wanted to be with someone really similar to me but my current boyfriend and I are opposites in a lot of ways yet totally crazy about each other. BF and have had drastically different lives up to this point but we are very similar in what we want and value, which makes me optimistic for our future together.

    12. I don’t think common interests is important, so long as you’re willing to be curious about their interests (just as a matter of respect) and as long as you’re willing to give them time to pursue those interests (and he should offer the same to you, it should go without saying).

      Common values around ethics, maybe religion, orientation toward the world & toward marriage — those are important. Physical attraction counts, too. That can develop over time or be an immediate thing, but it has to be there at some point.

    13. I think common interests are less important than interest in each other, and that is both physical interest and actual interest in the other person’s hobbies, passions, etc. My partner and I have different interests, but we support one another in them, and show interest in each others hobbies, even if we don’t both participate in them if that makes sense. I do think commonality in overall values and life goals is very important.

  9. Is a Dyson blow dryer worth it? I’m considering buying the Shark one, but I figure for a few hundred extra dollars I might as well get the Dyson if it’s going to be that much better…I have very thick, wavy hair.

    1. So I’ve never used the Dyson but I LOVE my Shark. Honestly don’t think something could be enough better to make the extra $200 worth it

    2. I have thick, wavy hair. I’ve used a dyson when staying with friends, and have always been unimpressed. My Revlon one-step hair dryer, on the other hand, is worth every penny.

      1. I have the Revlon and I like it for smoothing/styling my hair, but it’s not powerful enough to actually dry my hair.

        1. I haven’t tried the Shark, but I love my Dyson. Far superior to the Revlon (which I hated because it was SO loud and ineffective)

      1. It’s definitely not nothing to me! But if I’m going to be investing in something I want to make sure it’s worth it.

    4. I have similar very thick, wavy/culry hair (2b). I regularly burn out a hairdryer every year (even the more expensive ones) so yes, the Dyson is worth it to me. The ability to control the heat was also key – my hair has never been healthier due to lower temperatures when styling. The revlon brush and other similar ones get SO much hotter. I also appreciate the ease of swapping the attachments so I can use it as both a diffuser and a dryer.
      If you buy it through Dyson’s website they register the warranty and have 20% off coupons pretty regularly.

      1. I have fine hair but a lot of it and I LOVE my Shark FlexStyle. Upgraded from the Revlon and it’s way better.

      2. I have fine, wavy hair and my hair dresser uses a Dyson. It takes much longer time than when I do it myself at home with a bog-standard one and the hair feels like it’s almost wet even when dry, so probably good if you have dry hair that needs moisture. At home I can blow dry my hair in 2-3 minutes from towel wet. It takes at least 15 minutes with the Dyson.

    6. My opinion is no on the actual hair dryer. I have 2b/2c hair. IT does a good job diffusing, but I primarily use it for blowouts and I wish I had gotten the Air Wrap or the Shark Styler instead.

      1. But is the Air Wrap actually powerful enough to dry hair in addition to the styling? My impression is that it’s more for curling and not actually getting your hair dry.

        1. This was my experience – only good for curling and not great at that. My hair was too thick/wavy to get dry with the ‘rough dry’ option and then, oddly, the curls didn’t last well for me (and my hair holds onto curls from a curling iron for days without falling). I ended up returning it after a week of trying really hard to get it to work and went with a chi spin and curl which works great.

    7. My hair is straight, but it’s very thick and low-porosity, so slow to dry. I got a Dyson during the last Sephora VIB sale, and it saves me at least 15 minutes of drying time. I’ve never used the Shark, so can’t compare, but the Dyson is totally worth it for me.

    8. I love my Dyson for my wavy hair. I’m more likely to diffuse now than I did before.

  10. What have you all wound up doing for funerals for getting the word out to people? The oldest generation of female relatives used to be the network of how news filtered out but they are all gone now. My mother is very ill. And no one lives locally anymore (including me). On my next visit, I need to go through her phone so I have contact info of friends of hers (I may have met them, but often don’t have contact info) who aren’t relatives. I can get the initial word out for relatives (dad doesn’t want memorial service where they live but want a service and burial in family plots they have they are from, which is convenient for many relatives).
    One issue I foresee is that I have an estranged sibling. I imagine at the end, if I am not there (I live a flight away), Dad will call me. He may call my sister or if not I should. It will likely go poorly (at which point, I will likely just update her by text, but I suspect that she and her very large family will demand that we schedule the funeral around her schedule (IDK how feasible this is; this will be the first thing and dad may do on his own and try his best or I will need to help him b/c he is just wrecked emotionally already). It is just going to be a rough summer and it’s not really my show but I’ve had to help with random paperwork and admin things all along the way, so even if my fingerprints weren’t on it (but especially if they are), I will come in for being screamed at and I just can’t take it anymore.
    I do think that there are local ladies who do a food-at-funerals ministry and I am grateful to hometown angels like that.

    2. This is much easier if your mom would be cremated and her ashes buried – at that point there is no specific urgency to the service and you can schedule it whenever.

    3. It’s crazy to me that there are so many apps and services for organizing a wedding and yet people do funerals on the fly (and with significant emotional trauma as a major headwind), often with no notice at all (or at most, a sense that something may generally be on the horizon, but if it is July or October, who can say?).

      1. I actually hired my wedding planner to do my mom’s memorial and it was so helpful!

      2. Honestly, I would hate to see funerals go the direction of weddings, as big as weddings have become, in the months to years of planning. It seems macabre to me that you would spend months planning somebody’s funeral while that person is still alive, even if you know they are unlikely to survive whatever it is that ails them, it just seems weird to me. Like, spend your time with your loved one. Don’t spend it trying to put together some sort of perfect event.

        Having planned funerals personally for three immediate family members, funeral preparations after your loved one is deceased is as much a part of the closure process as the funeral itself. It helped enormously to have something to do after my loved ones died – something to occupy my brain and my time.

        I think that’s a lot of why it has always been this way. And certainly the funeral “industry” and all of the places of worship are already set up such that you can get it done in a few days to a week.

        1. OP here and what I was thinking was not the over-the-top nature of weddings but that you have good lists of contact info for the relevant people. I know our relatives and have their info from my wedding and xmas cards (and probably always had it for grandparents / aunts / uncles, but it’s all updated as of the last time I sent xmas cards). I don’t know my parents’ and mom’s friends, work friends they’ve kept up with since retiring, church friends, etc. I know neighbors and that’s about it.

          And then making sure that people who would travel know the info with enough time to travel. And this summer, people may well in the wind, but I’ve seen families fracture when they insist that they should have been told things (like that maybe it’s imminent, but if I could predict the future, I’d buy powerball tickets). Some people are just mean and I guess I’m feeling horrible about my mom being sick and then enraged that some people chose to be jerks and just come out swinging.

          1. Oh I see. When my mom died not too long ago, she had been sick for a long time and hadn’t been in immediate touch with lots of people she had socialized with in the past. Her closest friends visited her when she was sick, but lots of people just won’t do that, so there ended up being people she hadn’t seen in 5+ years that we needed to contact.

            So we contracted the ones we knew how to contact and asked them to let others know. This is a thing people are happy to do. In fact, I was recently ones do those people who contacted the extended friend group when one of my besties unexpectedly died a couple of years ago. I was glad to be of help so that the family didn’t have to try to track everyone down. I must have called, texted, or emailed 20+ people, and they contacted each other.

            My mom’s obituary was in the local paper as well as online, and spread by Facebook. Her age group friends are all people who read the daily paper and check Facebook regularly. So pretty much everyone she would have wanted at the funeral heard about it in time, whether they were able to attend or not.

        2. Coming back to hasten to add that even though I had my wedding planner help, it was with things like the venue and the food and it all happened after my mom passed. I prepared the program all by myself and yes, it was very meaningful.

    4. Get the password to your mom’s phone and get a list of people she would like to be notified.

      1. Sorry, posted too soon. Once the main people in your mom’s life learn what happened, they will spread the word. Your task is to ensure that people particularly close to her know.

        She also might be able to tell you to call Agatha and Agatha will call the church group, for example.

    5. this is actually a great question. we are jewish and the tradition is to bury someone asap, which as a mourner I have to say I really really liked. my mom passed away on a Sunday morning and ideally would’ve been buried on Monday, but we had to wait until Tuesday so my family could fly in. My dad obviously called me, and then I think some texts went around and we asked people to spread the word. Our synagogue also sent an email to all members, though many of my parents friends went to different synagogues. my high school (i attended a jewish high school) also sent out an email to alumni and alumni parents. there was no mass email or anything like that (though I did organize those every time my mom had a surgery). then there was a self appointed committee of friends who organized the shiva and all the food, etc. for that.

      1. I realize that every culture and religion has its death rituals. I feel like the fabric of all that is frayed and it all just feels so bad. Maybe COVID accellerated all that, but I do feel like I personally want to do better with recognizing a person’s passing on and reaching out to friends / family (and that I don’t have a good guide — culture / religion / families used to give us a good framework but now that seems removed from big city life and families living all over).

        1. we had family and friends fly in from around the country and travel in for my mom’s funeral and/or shiva

        2. My personal feeling is that memorials and funerals should happen shortly after the person died because there is never a good time. A celebration of life can be set later in the year for those who were not able to attend the memorial service or burial. When there is only a celebration of life, I don’t feel the same closure as when there is an immediate funeral. The whole process is to help us grieve and putting it on hold because of work schedules and the like is, in my humble opinion, par of why the fabric is frayed. People used to drop everything and GO TO THE FUNERAL.

          1. Agree with that. And go to the funerals of your friends’ parents or grandparents if you possibly can.

      2. Not Jewish, but what I appreciate about this is the shared timeframe. Everyone knows the timeframe and that you drop everything to be there within a few days, rather than finding a date that works for everyone to travel, etc. That’s the sort of shared structure that to me would be invaluable when dealing with grief.

    6. Honestly, you don’t contact everyone.
      Close family are called. Most conversations are short and informative. Your relatives will understand.
      You can call one or more extended family, and ask them to spread the word.
      YOU don’t have to do it all. Father can call someone. Sister can inform her family.
      You can even ask one of your friends to help you make a couple calls, if it is too much for you.

      You don’t call all the friends. You post an obit, that the funeral home can facilitate, or do through their local newspaper. If your Mom had a very close friend/circle of friends, you could call one of them, and ask them to spread the word. It is also ok to send an email. I mean… announcing a death by text is pretty brutal in my world, and amongst the elderly generation, but it is better than nothing. Instead it would be kinder to ask other people to call and not do it yourself.

      The thing to consider now is only which funeral home may be used, so you know who to call when the time comes. I figured that out for my Dad, so he didn’t have to decide, but still asked him if he had a preference.

      Also, if any donations are being considered, like donating your Mom’s body to science/research, it is good to think about that ahead of time or it may not be possible. Both of my parents did that, and it varies in every state. A year or so after body donation, your loved one is cremated and your are sent the cremains. We also donated my Dad’s brain to science, and that was more complicated and required more preparation. It was extremely important to him to be a donor. I hope everyone considers these things for their loved ones.

      It is also very popular in my area, and family, to have a private or no funeral per se. And then later, at your convenience, have a Memorial or service or whatever your family wants.

      I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Honestly, the worrying/dread/stress is the worst part.

    7. I posted the obit on her facebook page and sent to key contacts to distribute (i.e. her cousin, her former boss, her best friend)

      For your sister, is there a friend/family member who could do the interfacing (+ bouncing + some gentle protective lying) for you? Especially if screaming is possible, sometimes a 3rd party can keep people on better behavior.
      i.e. “Oh Anon finally got to sleep for the first time in days, but she wanted to let you know X. I know she’s going to be out of it for the next few days, so if you need anything please call me instead of her”.

    8. First of all, OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard to lose a parent, and I want you to know that you can’t plan the pain away. When the time comes, you will do what you need to do and it will be enough. I hope that you are holding space for your own grieving, and not just trying to take care of everyone and everything else.

      I’m inferring that your parents are still together and your father is relatively healthy. If that’s true, he should know who her closest friends are. If you contact a few of them, they can spread the word. In fact, if your mother is okay with it, it would be kind to contact people now so they can show up for her while she’s still here. Especially if the memorial won’t be local, they should have the chance to help and to say goodbye.

      Is your sister estranged from both you and your parents? And does she know your mother’s condition? Again, if she doesn’t, you should let her know so she can prepare in whatever way she needs to. You don’t even have to be the one to tell her – use a trusted friend or family member as the messenger if that feels right. But if she has time to process the news, she may behave differently than if she doesn’t. And either way, her mother is also dying.

      Sending so much support.

    9. My mother had the funeral arrangements paid for in advance when she did her will. One of her kindest acts toward me as I only had to meet with the director to make a few decisions. Facebook is the perfect way to get the word out when someone dies and you put the link to the funeral home obit on your social media. Funeral directors are available 24/7 and know how to make all the arrangments so there is no need for a wedding planner. I agree that it is part of the grieving process and they know how to deal with grieving families and weird conflicts.

      1. Can’t agree with this more. My parents had all the funeral home stuff planned and paid for (it was just a cremation — I was on my own for the services part) and it was such a blessing to just have to pick up the phone. Plus the funeral director was an angel.

    10. We must have the same sister. She managed to torpedo my father’s memorial service because she wanted it to be held on a specific day in the summer when the rest of the family (and my sister!) had already agreed upon date in September. This was during Covid, so we were planning for the service to be held outside during a warm, but not hot day. My mother caved on the original date to placate my sister and we never actually scheduled another date. It still bothers me.

    11. This is so hard. An elderly relative passed away two years ago and it was fascinating to see the difference in how various family members approached it. One of her daughters insisted on doing the funeral at a church right away. Other of her children refused to travel in, said they had work commitments and other commitments, and that they didn’t need to “say goodbye” or get closure because that was for the living, not the dead. Others refused to come to the church service because they were atheists. It caused some incredible inter-family tensions. There was a “celebration of life” 18 months later, but by that point it felt so anticlimactic and some folks couldn’t come. I’m not sure that I have any real suggestions, but I do agree that 1) the social norms around this stuff are really broken, and no one knows how to behave, and 2) there is no way to get it right. You ultimately just have to do what makes sense for you and your dad and your mom, if she expresses her own wishes, and let the chips fall with the estranged sibling. You literally cannot please everyone, even in a perfectly functional and intact family. Perhaps the only thing to do is to talk to your parents now, while you can, to make sure you know whatever wishes they do have – and let that be your north star.

      Sending love and support. I hope you find peace in this terrible time.

      1. The social norms being broken sounds like a good thing to me in your example. Everyone did what worked for them. Certainly the deceased was beyond caring.

        1. That’s an odd perspective; I care a lot about my future funeral. Why shouldn’t that count for anything?

        2. I don’t agree that the norms being broken was a good thing. Seems that those who wanted to attend the funeral did and that’s why we have them. An anticlimatic celebration is just annoying and depressing.

  11. i need a suggestion or a bag that keeps stuff dry for when you are doing an activity like kayaking, or rafting or something. any recs?

      1. Yes — go to REI or an outfitter and talk about activities and size. If you are on a 50 mile river trek or a day where you need just keep phone and first aid stuff dry, it can be very different. But they will have the gear for exactly what you need (but dry bags come in all different varieties and there are “dry” first aid kids).

      3. Yep. And don’t cheap out and try to use a ziplock bag instead. It will not work; ask me how I know.

    3. While this really isn’t the place for this question, it does bring back fond memories of the last time dry bags were discussed here – when people tried to convince “canoe associate” she should put her work laptop and a mobile hotspot into a dry bag for her last ever canoe trip with beloved grandpa or otherwise she’d definitely DEFINITELY get fired. Of course she didn’t, and didn’t.

      2. If anyone has a link to that thread, I’d love to read it again for the laughs. Search hasn’t been working well lately.

  12. About to get promoted and thinking about an investment piece to commemorate. I’m in house but this is the equivalent of making partner for me – the “big step” promotion that shows I’m recognized by the ranks above me.

    I’m thinking about a classic bag or piece of jewelry – something that will last. I’m open to a budget up to $10k, but don’t mind getting something at a smaller price point ($1k) if it’s the right thing. My style is classic with an edge – I usually wear solids, lots of neutrals, edgier accessories. I’m into the Cartier nail jewelry (I’m sure there’s a fancy name for this), Alexander McQueen bags, etc., but want something that will age with me as well. I’m 37, in a large city.

    Anything else I should think about? What would you point me to?

    1. Maria Nilsdotter jewelry has some pieces with an edge. Has a vibe that goes with the Swedish version of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo if you saw that.

      1. +1 – almost every senior woman I know has a designer watch – Hermes, Cartier, or Rolex.

    3. Just a different take, but with that kind of budget, maybe investing in a really great oil painting or two that you love might also be something to consider. It might also turn into a fun activity to find a local artist you like, check out galleries, etc. Especially if your heart is not already on a specific jewelry or bag, etc.

    4. I’m currently saving for the Cartier Clash bracelet for a milestone birthday, so I’d look at that if it is in your price range. I tried on the juste un clou bracelet and wasn’t super impressed by the weight or design. I’d highly suggest going into a Cartier store if you can (make an appointment or go at on off time) and trying on a few pieces. The sales associates were so kind and trying things on IRL really let me see and appreciate details that don’t come across on screens.

    5. My firm’s GC added an Eames chair to her office to celebrate her promotion. The role involves a ton of time focused on reading so the upgrade from a generic upholstered side chair made sense.

    7. Love my Cartier Tank Francaise. It is the perfect finishing touch to every outfit! Get a watch you love.

  13. Not sure why I feel the need to confess, but we have young kids and live near no family members. We have tried, with limited success off and on, to hire a PT nanny / driver / home helper. At most, we have reliable house cleaners. Now, we are blessed to have many kid activities and that they have found some true interests in life (while still being too young to drive) that we want to encourage. This summer, the local restaurant scene is our family helper — it’s the one thing I can outsource and plenty of roasted chicken / southern home fare / pizza places that can take on one task each evening (it may not be that dire, but on any given day, especially if one adult is on travel, it’s something I don’t feel bad about). You go to war with the army you have.

    1. Good for you! Take the wins where you can. We also live near no local family and pay an insane amount of money for childcare but it’s the cost we pay for two full time working parents who travel.

      1. As a long experienced taker-outer of Mexican food and a native Californian, I will just tell you that the Plato is the way to go. A whole individual meal of meat, beans, rice, and a little salad plus salsa and a side of tortillas. It’s like DIY tacos and a much better deal!

    4. This is a win in my book! I’m glad you found something that works and will make your summer smoother.

    5. Don’t feel bad! I have one elementary school age child and my parents live a mile away and are super helpful, so we’re doing parenting on easy mode, and we still get a lot of takeout and DoorDash. We have the money and DH and I both despise cooking.

    6. Well done for finding a solution that helps you and your family. You go to war with the family you have….

      When living in Europe during covid Wolt meal delivery saved me so many times. Living in Hoboken I was a block away from a launderette and they did wash and fold when I was on my own with the three children. My father called me lazy and I said hey why don’t you fly in and help before you criticize me. When he worked my mother did all the laundry and when my parents divorced he used the laundry service in the hotels he was staying in, which in essence is the same solution I used. We need clean clothes. They have clean clothes. He has never criticized any outsourcing since!

  14. Can anyone recommend card or board games that work well with 3 players? Our small family wants something to do together in the evenings after dinner. Thanks!

    4. The only board game that most of my family can stomach is Trivial Pursuit. For cards, it’s not great, but the littles did a lot better once we invested in a real poker chip set and just played Texas Hold-Em tournament-style. The strategy and bluffing were what they liked.

    6. My family played a lot of boggle when I was a kid – easy to adjust difficulty by letting small kids count shorter words than the official rules, and each round is independent so you can stop whenever folks get tired.

    8. Ticket to Ride is a game my husband and I enjoyed pre-kids! I’m sure once my daughter is a little older, the junior version will work too.

      She’s 4 & big into card games. We’re playing a lot of Go Fish and Slap Jack lately.

    9. Cards: Skip-Bo, Uno, Phase 10.
      Games: Bananagrams, Quirkle, Sleeping Queens (for young kids), Bears vs. Babies

    11. We are a boardgaming family, our kids are 6 and 9, and here are some games everyone understands and enjoys:
      Skyjo (European game – you’ll have to purchase online)
      Sleeping Queens 1 and 2 (especially kid-friendly); Dragonwood; Sushi Go – all by Gamewright
      Retrograde, by the indie game company Resonym
      King of Tokyo

    13. We play Uno, Blackjack, Old Maid, Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza card game, Monopoly, Clue, Life, Apples to Apples, Blank Slate, Scrabble.

    15. OP here: Some that a coworker recommended:
      * Murder mystery boxes from The deadbolt Mystery Society;
      * Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza (fast and fun – you’ll laugh at yourselves);
      * Tapple;
      * Worst-Case Scenario Card Game;

    16. We love Fluxx – rule changes are built into the game such that it never gets old. I also have fond memories of playing cribbage as a kid with my grandfather, which is a little more low key and easier to have a conversation going at the same time.

    17. Blokus
      Quirdle
      Exploding Kittens
      Ravine (can be a bit dark)
      Pandemic (also a bit dark)
      Yahtzee
      Sequence
      Triominoes

    18. Lots of amazing recommendations. Love rummy. Dominion is another one that works well for groups of three or even two.

    19. Sushi Go, Exploding Kittens for card games. Ticket to Ride, Barenpark for board games.

    20. Wingspan is not quick and can be a little tricky to learn, but it is great with 3 players. My 10 year old was able to learn to play it during the pandemic.

    21. Scattergories is most popular at my house, after the kids grew out of Connect 4. I will add that Connect 4 is an excellent drinking game, though!

      For cards, cribbage is really fun, though it’s usually a 2 person game. Gun Rummy is our favorite for 2 or 3.

    22. My family plays a lot of games. We are a family of 5, so usually play more than 3 people, but have also played the following with 3 and enjoyed it. They are all simple games that are easy to learn.
      Splendor
      Sushi Go
      Dragonwood
      Sleeping Queens
      Kingdomino
      Point Salad
      Play Nine
      Monopoly Deal

    23. Charty Party Family Version – it’s hilarious!

      If there are youngsters learning their math, Exact Change is a nice variation on Uno…I think about it often when someone in retail is struggling with their coin math.

  15. I’m starting grad school in August, and will be going part time while I still work full time. I’ve watched several friends do this and I know it’s a slog. I’m hoping to meal prep quite a few healthyish meals that freeze well over the summer, so I can pull something out of my freezer on nights I’m really busy.

    What are your favorite healthy meals that freeze well?

    1. Soup. Almost any kind of soup freezes well. Pro tip — buy the flat single serve storage containers (about the size/shape of a traditional sandwich). Freeze as a single serving and the flat shape thaws much more quickly. Anytime I make soup, I freeze 2-3 servings and stack these in my freezer and then there’s something easy to grab.

      You can also brown ground turkey/ground beef with onion and garlic and freeze in sandwich bags, also in a flat shape and stack those in the freezer. That will thaw in 10-15 minutes when you get home and you can mix together a quick burrito bow/pasta/bulgogi bowl in a few minutes. Just heat it in a skillet with the your favorite seasonings/jarred sauce and you’ve got dinner in a few minutes.

    2. I like Budget Bytes.
      Tasty, fast, inexpensive, pretty healthy.

      https://www.budgetbytes.com/hearty-black-bean-quesadillas/

      She mixes the easy to get ingredients, and makes the quesadillas and freezes.
      For me, I mix the ingredients, portion them out into individual serving tupperware, then freeze.
      When I am ready for dinner, I take out one portion to thaw.
      I use either the low carb whole wheat tortillas (so much fiber) or the pea protein high protein ones.

      So fast. Tasty. Easy. Healthy. And easy to alter recipe to taste.

    3. Honestly–Costco and Trader Joe’s are your friends here too. There’s nothing wrong with “meal prepping” by doing a big shop once a month. Costco’s ingredients, like their huge bag of stir fry veg, are very economical.

      1. I have their individually packaged frozen fish. Easy and healthy.
        I also get their rotisserie chicken, then eat it for a week 4+ different ways. As is/tacos/chicken salad/soup…

      2. +1 Meal prep will get you through, what, a month? Learning to shop differently so you can eat healthy-ish meals with ten minutes or less of prep will serve you far better.

  16. I’m moving into a new house in a country area outside of a large southern city. My partner wanted land, which is why we are leaving the city. I’m okay with it, the area is very peaceful, the house is beautiful, and we will still be close enough to the city where we can visit for things we like, such as shows, events, and even shopping and restaurants. That said, I’m bothered by the number of “Biden Sucks” signs, Trump signs/flags, and two confederate flags we have to pass to get to our new house. I know this is just part of the territory of living in the country, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially the confederate flags. I’m worried about when we have kids and that they will see these things as normal, when it absolutely is not normal to me. Any advice on letting this bother me less or just getting over it? Bringing it up in the future to kids? It does make me want to volunteer more with my voting rights organization, so I guess there’s one benefit.

    1. I don’t know how to make this bother you less — the confederate flags are disgusting and the other signs would bother me a lot, too. But I’d for SURE discuss these things with my kids (I discuss these things and others with my kids currently). You don’t have to rant, but it’s a very good idea to explain the history of the confederate flag and why flying it now has specific (ugly) connotations. It’s so important not to just shrug and say “that’s what some people do” when it comes to the confederate flag and other such symbols.

      And yes, you do what you can from where you are. So volunteering with voting rights organizations, volunteering at the polls, etc.

    2. I grew up in an area like this, raised by people who would agree with those flags. I abhor the messages now. What helped me was learning about the messages and intent behind the confederate flag. I also am a kind person who generally believes I shouldn’t spread hateful messages. If I’d had people modeling kindness around me, I can only imagine I would have understood sooner. This is to comfort your fears about kids later. They can understand what it all means if they’re taught, even if they see the flags every day.

      As for the political flags, I’d just say to get to know your neighbors to the extent possible. Don’t talk politics ever. Who knows if it will make a difference, but perhaps it’ll help see them as entire people rather than caricatures.

      I’ll be honest that it’s hard for me to drive through the area where I grew up because of these issues. Even people I’ve known my whole life will start spewing MAGA stuff for no reason, and it is difficult. I guess I just do my best to model good citizenry.

      1. I agree that it is difficult. There are people I do know as entire people, people I grew up with and have known for decades and knew to be kind people, who seem to want to remake themselves into caricatures now as part of this MAGA movement and are only interested in talking about politics or bringing any topic back around to either politics or politically charged conspiracies.

    3. You can talk at home of course, but I’d be prepared for your kids to also be influenced by their friends and where they live. The best you can do is cultivate a social circle that reflects your values and expose your kids to that too.

      1. +1. When it’s in your face all the time, it’s going to take a concerted effort to counteract those messages.

        1. +2

          My closest childhood friend, who grew up with me in a very progressive area, moved to Indiana with her husband for his job. Her daughters…. are not progressive. The influence of peers growing up in a very conservative area in the age of social media is hard to counteract. My friend is divorced now. Her husband is a Trump voter.

      2. If your kids learn to espouse your values and not the local values, I would be prepared for bullying and not just from peers, especially if they attend local schools.

      1. Eh, if you are just flying it to annoy or stir the pot, maybe not. I get being an ally but there is so much rainbow-washing now it’s almost hard to remember that this is a big deal to actual people just trying to live their life. Some people can’t put it up or take it down because that is who they are.

        1. Yeah this strikes me as a glib response by someone who doesn’t live in one of these areas.

          1. Agree. In my very red rural area, a liberal display is an invitation for violence. Not just pulling-up-your-yard-sign violence, but screws in your gravel driveway, poison for your barn cat, and rocks through your windows violence.

          2. Exactly! And this goes x10 for someone who just moved in from outside the town who might be viewed with caution for a while anyway.

    5. I agree with the other posters that you should talk to your kids about this and not normalize it. Political opinions are fine, but not hate and racism and xenophobia. The confederate flag is painful to see and they should know why.

      I remember in elementary school (central Pennsylvania, early 1990s), while learning about slavery and the Underground Railroad, my 5th teacher normalized a local KK* group because one of our classmates belonged to it and went to meetings. She compared it to kids that go to Boy Scouts and organized religion.

      1. Oh, I have been in that part of PA. Say what you will about the South, but I’ve seen a ton of open racism in parts of the non-South that are mostly all white.

        1. A well known Congressman from southwestern Pennsylvania once said that Pennsylvania has Pittsburgh in the west, Philadelphia in the east and everything in between is Alabama. It’s very true.

          1. I’ve heard that and it sounds cute, but he does know that Alabama actually has black people in it?!

    7. If it makes you feel any better I live in a New York suburb. Excellent schools, walkable downtown on the water with gourmet restaurants and shops that sell 700 dollar dresses. More bmws than pickups. Most people here voted for trump. They don’t tend to advertise it but they did. They’re not the forgotten working class who the world left behind either.

    8. This is the community in which your children will grow up. I’d worry less about the signs and more about day-to-day interactions (school, friends’ houses, etc) where these views are common.

    9. Are you white? Your kids’ experience will really vary depending on how they look. I had to explain to my nieces in the South why people fly Confederate flags, but it was through the lense of being brown and explaining why people would tell her to “go back to your country” when she was born here.

    10. With my kids, we’ve seen those signs most summers because my parents and one set of in-laws lived in US states where those signs are common (one Southern-ish state, another in rural New England). It’s easy enough to address in the moment, though the older they get, it’s more of a family shorthand (13yo, “those losers don’t know who lost the war? losers”). We also don’t stop if it’s a farm stand or a store with those flags of signs – plenty of other places to spend money IME.

      Since you’re moving to the area, I’d suggest putting up any flags or signs that you feel comfortable flying and displaying, including a plain old American flag. That might make you feel less bothered about the other flags.

    11. You don’t get over it, but you start to view it as weighing the good with the bad on people. I came from a town (and extended family) like this. You can disagree with their politics but you can also accept that say Johnny will stay up for three days straight helping people in a hurricane and Susie will always volunteer at the school. Sometimes, once you build a relationship it is easier to change behavior – e.g., when your friend tells you she doesn’t understand why everyone is upset about a confederate statute and you can help her understand. (Actual experience.) As far as your kids, I would be really careful about what churches they go to with their friends, and take them into the city lots to see other cultures.

      1. Is this the “good people on both sides” argument? Haha. I reject that wholeheartedly. Someone who in this day and age insists on flying a confederate flag is not a good person.

        1. Not the author you are replying to, but no, this is not a “both sides” argument. It is about being willing to meet people where they are long enough to build a relationship with them, and then use that relationship to introduce them to unfamiliar views and give them reason to question their awful ideas. People can change. Writing them off as irredeemable is generally not the way to convince them they are wrong.

          1. I used to feel this way. People really were opening up about a lot of things. They were more accepting of people in their own community, even if they still believed hateful lies about people with the same labels elsewhere. People were changing. But I think we’re currently living through backlash against all that change.

            If someone hasn’t been down this road before, they may not understand how bad it can get, and how the strain can build up in daily interactions. There is a reason people pay extreme premiums just to live far away from MAGA.

          2. If you’re flying a confederate flag in 2024 you already know what it means. You’re doing it precisely because you know that. It’s about white supremacy. There’s no middle ground there. I do not give a flying crap whether you’d be willing to lend me space in your freezer if my power goes out, as long as I’m white. You’re not a good person.

      2. We live in the country 30 minutes outside of our state capital, and this is also how we handle similar situations.

    13. I don’t think you need to get over it…I would never choose to raise children in an area where that is the pervasive culture. I understand not everyone has that choice but “wanting land” would certainly not be reason enough to me.

    14. What kind of school are you planning for the kids? I grew up in a very, very conservative area of a reliably blue state. While my public K-12 school had its issues, there were a lot of good teachers who managed to expose us to lots of different viewpoints.

      Also, what sort of church? We also went to a church that wasn’t, to quote my mom, “where the hippies go,” (e.g., U-Us or Society of Friends) but it was mainstream enough that we weren’t being forced into altar calls or pressured to picket outside clinics on weekends.

      1. I just want to say that there is no guarantee public school teachers will expose your kids to different viewpoints or be more progressive than the community. I taught in a rural public school district in a red state for a decade. I was one of three teachers in the entire district who didn’t vote for Trump in 2016. Teachers bullied trans and gay kids. Teachers bullied kids who didn’t attend church. There was a principal who called a teacher “libt*rd” publicly on social media. I did all I could to expose my students to a range of perspectives and ensure that every student felt welcome, but I’m so thankful we were able to move before my kids were school-age. If you are more progressive, some red areas are very, very hard to live in and it’s only become more polarized since 2016. And there are certain coded language things that will out you very quickly and make it very hard to build connections even if you are accepting of others who disagree with you. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever move, but wanted to give a fuller picture of what some areas can be like.

    15. Lifetime southerner now living in New England. We formerly owned very rural land in the south that we planned to own forever, but life changed, and now we’re in the northeast. .

      1) For future children, there are probably small private schools where there will be a lot less of the FJB crowd. Plan to pay tuition and drive up to 30 mins one way. Divisions by class are alive and well in the rural south.

      2) Know what your line in the sand is. For us, during the George Floyd era, it was when men with ARs started “guarding” the Confederate statue on the town square. Nearly simultaneously, members of the SCV bought land across the street from the elementary school for the sole purpose of putting up a Confederate flag.

      3) Make friends with like-minded people. They’re there, I promise. Historic society? Arts league? Community theater? Go where the more educated crowd is likely to be found.

      4) And yes, meet people where they are. You can’t walk around like people here talk about, shunning anyone who doesn’t satisfy a checklist. Be polite, find common ground. I assume you’re southern? You know how to do this.

      And FWIW, there are plenty of FJB flags in New England – and even the occasional Confederate one.

    16. These are your neighbors. How will you make friends? This is why I don’t live in the south.

      2. That’s an unnecessarily broad brush. I live in a purple area of a purple state and work in a very conservative-leaning industry. Even in that environment, my closest friends and business associates are almost all liberal.
        -Very liberal native southerner living in the south

    17. Depending on how this election goes, and how the country acclimates in its aftermath, you might have to move. You do not want your children to be the outsiders, be bullied, or shunned. And what about the school curriculum? Depending on the state you are in, you might find your children are taught creationism, or the war of northern aggression, or are asked to pray in school. Take it year by year, but moving might be necessary.

    18. I live in this kind of place and have for all my life. It disgusts me every day. I would worry about it not disgusting me. I think my parents may have been the sole white supporters of MLK in our small town back in the day, and they raised children who abhor racial prejudice. It can be done, proactively, by word and by example.

  17. My son will be starting at a STEM-focused public high school this fall. He wore uniforms at his previous schools (polos or school spirit t-shirts and khaki shorts/pants) so that was very easy. His high school doesn’t have uniforms, just some rules about not wearing hoodies, and length of shorts. He will need to dress professionally (suit or blazer with slacks) several times a year when the students present their work to industry leaders in the community, and these are like mini-interviews for internships. He doesn’t care about his clothing at all, and I don’t want to spend a fortune on brand names, when it’s not something we value.
    He’s outgrowing everything rapidly, now in adult small shirts and size 16 boys pants, size 10.5 shoes today, and who knows what size tomorrow?
    Where should we shop for school clothes and professional clothes for him? Should we shop quarterly since he’s outgrowing things? We’re in Houston. It will be 95 – 110 degrees when school starts in August, and we have mild winters.

    1. I’d do Old Navy, TJ Maxx, Kohl’s and the like. Buy summer clothes now, and then when it stats to cool and he needs pants and long sleeves go again.

      I had uniforms from K-12 (and actually liked having one!), and I remember being so nervous going to college because I did not know what people wore!

    2. Old Navy and Target. The clothes are decent quality and for growing kids it makes sense. H&M kids has some good stuff, too.

    3. I feel like Gap is better for teens than ON (which I love). Even BR.

      In Houston, your local outlet mall may have a Polo or Brooks Brothers — that is more classic men/teen boy wear and I’d try to get some pieces from there if possible. Also Eddie Bauer (outlet or retail).

    4. Professional clothes: JCrew Factory may have some options. Or even an old school place like JC Penney.

      For school clothes, my kid (same age and similar size), we’re hitting up Kohl’s, Old Navy, and Target.

    5. Is there a decent kids’ consignment shop in your area? The one I use always has a good selection of boys’ dress clothes that maybe have been worn 1-2X for a wedding, funeral, bar mitzvah, etc.

    7. Unless he needs the professional clothes right away, I’d say to wait on that until he needs them, because boys that age can grow a lot in a short time. Fine to scope out where to go for those items, but don’t buy anything now.

    8. My engineer son got chinos and polos from Target for his college internships. If he is growing rapidly, the spurt will stop soon.

    9. I would assume a fair amount of athleisure-slash-athletic stuff for everyday wear. Like Under Armour. Can you wait to shop until school has started and you can scope out what other kids are wearing?

    10. H&M is perfect for blazers and shirts. My son needed blazers for 8th grade and H&M was the only place we could find affordable blazers in men’s sizes small enough to fit him—the boys’ clothes didn’t fit him anymore. Same with dress shirts and polo shirts there—they have men’s XS which is helpful. Aeropostale also has a great range of pant sizes for chinos/khakis for those that are in between the boys’ and men’s shop (e.g., the waists go down to 27 online, but still with multiple leg lengths, which my very skinny very leggy kid needed). Between H&M and Aeropostale he looks pretty dapper when he dresses up!

  18. How much of an outlier am I? I come from a very poor rural family. I wear a Timex watch and drive a Honda (but it’s a Touring model). Equity partner, BigLaw (not NYC/SF/DC though, but a smaller city). I am feeling either very stealth or that very old family habits are just where I feel comfortable (like in 2008, it can all vanish in a minute but at least it’s all paid for).

    5. Stealth wealth is Bruno Cucinelli and a Philippe Patek, but no giant LV logos etc. This sounds like you have potentially a little bit of financial anxiety from growing up poor and don’t like to spend as a result. My thought would be: why are you asking the question? Because you’re proud of it, or because it’s something you’re interested in changing? May be worth looking into.

    6. Are you living well below your means in other ways? The watch an Honda Touring aren’t really painting the picture so I think more details would help.

    7. are you feeling weird that you didn’t splash out on upgrading your entire life to match your salary? Because a lot of people don’t. That’s how wealth is made.

    8. Well, my watch is a Timex and I drive a Toyota. What’s your point?
      You appreciate quality, reliability, and aren’t sucked in by logos.
      You are normal.

      Big Law is not normal.

      You will probably retire earlier because you are saving your bonus instead of buying a Tank watch and having high monthly luxury car payments. So I’d say you are smart.

      But I hope you are able to enjoy your success and financial stability. You will probably give back more than some of your peers, so thanks for that. Just don’t save it all for a rainy day. Live life.

    9. When I worked in Big Law (as a junior to mid-level associate) my boss gave me endless grief because I drove a really old Toyota and bought my clothes at places like Old Navy. I left Big Law after 5 years with my loans paid off and a nest egg that was large enough to buy a house in cash in the LCOL area we moved to. Now I’m semi-retired in my early 40s and we have an amazing lifestyle, because if you don’t have a mortgage payment it doesn’t take very much money to feel rich. Jokes on him. Just keep living frugally; your future self will thank you.

    10. Nothing wrong with a Timex. But I enjoy buying the department store watches like Anne Klein and wearing them like jewelry with my outfits. No need for expensive watches but you can enjoy cheaper ones.

    11. I have no idea. Once my bills are paid and I’m sticking to my financial plan I find no virtue in thrift. Save your pennies and one day you’ll have a lot of pennies. If you’ve saved responsibly and are not miserly with others then the money spent is morally neutral in my book. You do you.

    12. You sound young. You don’t need to look a certain way or buy any particular thing to mark your net worth.

      1. It’s a humblebrag, obviously.

        I’m also from a rural poor, 100% financial aid background.

        1. +2, Pell Grant recipient from a rural area, drive a Subaru, and don’t even wear a watch. I don’t get it. Is a Honda a “bad” car? LOL

    13. My husband and I both grew up lower middle-class, and we have more money than either of us ever thought we would have. We have always lived below our means, outwardly, at least, but we spend on things that are meaningful to us. We had our kids in expensive activities; we give fairly generously to church (and are seriously contemplating what any church would would call a major gift); we paid off our house. But I cook at home 6 days a week and bring leftovers to work because eating out has gotten expensive; we have cheap internet; we use old phones; and I plan to work until at least 70 because the thought of not earning any income makes me twitchy. I don’t know if you or I are outliers because I don’t focus on what others do. We all have priorities that are influenced by our backgrounds and should spend accordingly without bothering with what anyone else things or does.

      1. Oh, I hope you don’t work until you are 70. Enjoy some retirement while you are younger and healthy. Too many people develop issues in their 60s and 70s. Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

    14. Yeah, DH and I each have Hondas. I like it bc they are reliable with good gas mileage. One is a hybrid. DH points out that we drive kinda downmarket cars for our NY suburb. We are both savers not spenders. He even likes to buy his pants for the office at Costco.

      1. Oh hi! You sound like my husband and I.

        OP, we are out there. We have a comfortable life, and we will retire early. We drives Hondas. And it is ok.

      2. I feel like the Honda Accord for decades has been the “got a trust fund but not at all flashy” vehicle of choice.

      3. My last Honda accord lasted over 300k miles, and then I sold it on craigslist. My 2013 Accord has 220k miles and counting. LOVE not having a car payment.

    15. Similar story here; when you get to retirement you will be really happy with yourself.

    16. You are an outlier in coming from a poor rural family. You’re not that much of an outlier by driving a Honda or wearing a Timex.

      Signed, BigLaw Equity Partner Who Drives A 2006 Prius

    17. I’m with you. I grew up lower middle class, but it was a family of educators so I learned how critical that was to success. Now I regularly make $1M+ per year, but drive a very modest 10-year old car (probably worth $15k), buy nice clothing half off on Poshmark, almost never buy unnecessary items, and live extremely far below my means.

      Why? That’s what I feel comfortable doing. The time, effort, and waste of most conspicuous consumption is not interesting to me. I do just enough to look/feel professional – nice clothes, nice skin care.

  19. I know this gets discussed frequently, but I can never search this site properly… anyway I’m switching jobs after 10 years with one employer. What is a must-do during my three week notice period, both professionally and personally?

    And, more fun, what should I do with my three week break in between? Spouse is working, but I will have PT childcare

    1. Professionally-
      -prepare your mass email with your personal contact info; try to get meals or coffees or drinks with the people you want to stay connected with
      -do your best to tidy up status of your current projects and have a detailed memo of what you’re working on
      -do you have reports or no? they will be nervous about what this means for them, so think about that
      -any work that you’d want permission to keep?

      Personally-
      -any ‘use or lose’ accounts you have that you forfeit when you leave? Any wellness benefits or reimbursements to be sure to file or cash in?
      -make note of people’s contact info in your own records
      -for the gap period, I’d use some days to tackle those home projects that you never quite have a good chunk of time to do, and part just for fun – take yourself out for IRL shopping, or midday workouts, or patio sitting with SAHM friends during naptime?

  20. Shopping help request! Dinner with lawyer clients and their wives at a nice steakhouse in Palo Alto. Not coming from any meetings beforehand. I don’t think a suit makes sense. Budget around $200 for a dress. I’m typically a size small.

    1. It may be too East Coast but maybe Tuckernuck would have some ideas for summer wear-to-dinner dresses.

      1. Way too east coast. Palo Alto is as tech/casual as you can get. I’d suggest a jeans/nice top or sheath dress with funky accessories.

        1. Right, coming from a Bay Arean. You wouldn’t be out of place in your most casual of business casual clothing. Personally, I like to dress up, so I’d dress up a little bit, but don’t overdo it. Absolutely not a suit. By dress up, I mean a nice dress, but not something you’d wear to a formal or semi formal event. Just a dress. Or sharp separates, but not a suit look. Almost no one wears suits around here anymore.

        1. I laughed out loud when I read Tuckernuck. This is the last thing you should wear….

          2. I live in SF and wear Tuckernuck to stand out because I know no one else with have anything remotely sold there on.

      3. Oh gosh, I used to WFH for a Bay Area company about 10 years ago, and I’ll never forget the trip for which I packed sheath dresses and heels. I was way overdressed. It’s hard because there was only 1 other woman on my team. The men were in jeans, t shirts, and maybe a blazer. The woman had a very artsy style, living in NYC, and wore what I’d consider cool or edgy clothes that I can’t pull off (think colored denim jumpsuits and vests). I would suggest a casual dress without ruffles. Maybe a short sleeve or sleeveless knit wrap dress. Good luck!

    2. I probably shouldn’t answer since that’s far from my industry and my geographic area…but it’s the internet so I’ll answer anyway. :D Please defer to others. My first thought is a knee or midi length sheath dress with a higher neckline in a brighter color. Something you could wear to work on a normal day.

      I like this in cobalt A LOT, although there are other good color options. I don’t love this sleeve length on me but it would work really well for dinner.
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-tie-waist-crepe-sheath-dress/6469104?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=484

      I like this if the color works for you. Interesting neckline without being wacky.
      https://www.nordstrom.com/s/twist-neck-midi-sheath-dress/7721970?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=460

    3. I live in Palo Alto and I’d wear whatever I want to any restaurant here if going for pleasure. For a business dinner, I’d probably wear something suitable for hanging with clients, like a business casual dress.

      All bets off if the clients actually live in Atherton, though—there’s a Silicon Valley subculture there that I don’t fully understand, but seems more East Coast.

      1. It probably is people actually from the East Coast. People who are actually from Atherton and have lived there forever have been under enormous pressure to sell their very nice houses to very very rich people who just want to tear it down and build a mansion.

        1. I lived in Palo Alto for many years, and my best friend is from Atherton, and I have spent a lot of time at the Circus Club, MCC, etc. I’m in SF now, and I work in Tech.

          Bay Area “fancy” is like polished resortwear–think well cut linen separates, flowy pants with high end sandals, linen dresses, or crisp shirtdresses. You could also get away with jeans and a blazer, easily. Colors are typically muted, very few prints (not Lilly or anything like that). It is understated wealth.

          Most people in tech, even business execs who are women, don’t dress particularly well. Wear something bland and not cheap-looking (think natural fabrics, well-cut), and you’ll do fine. Dress really does run the gamut here.

          DO NOT wear a suit though–we don’t do that here. Even a sheath dress would be seen as super-dressy.

          There’s only two steakhouses in PA, and both are not that crazy fancy.

      2. Atherton is huge $$$$ but different than East Coast $$$$. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s pretty different.

      1. Yep.

        This Bay Arean feels like people are talking about outer space when they recommend Lilly.

        1. I totally agree with all of this. However, you should also wear something you feel good in! I live in SF, but am not an Eileen Fisher person even though I love it on others. I would probably wear a wrap or shirtdress and heels, with a blazer that I would take off. For me, that’s the right balance of feeling dressed up without being totally out of place (which you would be in a suit, for example.)

    5. Late, but I frequently do this both in the Bay Area and NYC and the outfit that works for both coasts is a jumpsuit with a crisp cardigan or jardigan or tweed blazer. West coast: black cropped wide leg jumpsuit in heavy weave and long tan Eileen Fisher mock collar cardigan with flats or kitten heels. East coast: navy wide leg jumpsuit to the floor with pointed toe heels, cropped brown tweed blazer or cognac jardigan.

  21. Not sure if what I’m looking for exists, but I’m looking for a store that sells pre-defined sets for workwear (e.g. dress+cardigan / blazer, cardigan + top + pants/skirt, etc) so I can just buy outfits, instead of having to mix and match on my own. I have zero sense of style and would really like to just be able to buy “outfits” off-the-shelf. Wondering if anyone has any recommendations?

    2. MMLaFelur, The Fold, or a good personal shopper at a Nordstroms/Bloomingdales will be able to do this for you.

    4. Ann Taylor – they don’t market them as sets but the algorithm on the website will help you build an outfit. I also buy a lot of outfits directly off what the models are wearing.

  22. Has anyone used fusing tape to close gaps in shirts? I bought a satin / silky top that is too low cut. I added some handsewn stiches to raise the gap, but the fabric is not draping how I would like. I’m wondering if I should try fusing tape but am worried about ruining this new top. Anyone tried this?

    1. Can you take it up at the shoulders instead? Otherwise I think the fusing tap will interfere with the drape.

    2. Don’t use fusing tape on satin — getting it hot enough to fuse will change the finish on the top. Stop in at the dry cleaners and they can stitch it up so the stitches don’t show and the drape will be better.

    3. Take it to a tailor and get them to add a tiny snap (or sew one yourself if you’re handy).

    4. This is so hard to DIY because you need to tack it while it’s on to get the drape right. But moving your arms affects the fit. Time for a tailor.

  23. Lately I’m getting a lot of recruiters reaching out on LinkedIn for roles that are too junior. Like I’ve been in supervisory director roles for 10+ years but get some messages about sole contributor director or even manager positions. The salaries are also too low. I do have my job searching filter on (just for recruiters to see), and I listed director or VP roles. I want to advance to a higher step in my next role, not go backwards.

    I’ve heard anecdata about recruiters having quotas of people to reach out to, so I try not to take it personally. However, it worries me that my profile is signalling I’m a candidate for more junior roles. Any thoughts or feedback? Have you seen this?

    Also, I appreciate any general tips about stealth job searching. I’m in a toxic role that I can’t leave until my next position is secured, so I don’t want to scream “hire me” on my LinkedIn. My supervisor regularly “likes” my posts there…

    1. Recruiting firms have gone very corporate with the same sometimes ridiculous KPIs as in pretty much every other large company, regardless of industry. “We must have 15% growth year over year every year” kind of thing. It’s ridiculous.

      A lot of them don’t even have a job for you. They get you on the phone by dangling a fake opportunity, then they ask you who you’re currently talking to in order to “avoid conflicts” but then if you tell them you’re currently talking to E&Y, that’s a lead for them. Now they know E&Y is hiring. Tread carefully.

    2. An acquaintance who used to be a recruiter told me they eventually quit because it felt so ethically compromised, a lot of their contracts were for straight up corporate espionage.

      But even when there’s a real job, linkedin targeting in general and recruiter contacts in particular are WILDLY wildly mismatched. I get too junior, too senior, “I’m not actually that kind of engineer at all” all the time.

    3. It’s not you, it’s the recruiters just trying to reach as many people as possible. I still get recruiters reaching out for the type of work I did almost 15 years ago, when they can clearly see it’s been that long since I’ve done that type of work. I think they just message everyone that they can.

      1. Every day. I’m nearing retirement and I get very personalized-sounding emails and direct messages about jobs vaguely in my field I’d be “perfect” for that require 5 years or less of experience.

  24. Love y’all’s travel recommendations! Has anyone done Alaska? Just starting to research but would love any advice or experiences to share.

    1. Yes, my husband and I spent two weeks in Alaska in 2014 and it remains one of our all-time favorite trips. We did one week on land, followed by a one week cruise (on Princess) from Whittier to Vancouver with two days of glacier viewing. The highlights for me were a day trip from Anchorage to Katmai National Park for brown bear watching ($$$$ but easily top 5 travel experiences of my life), visiting Denali National Park, and kayaking to Aialik Glacier in Kenai Fjords National Park, which had spectacular scenery and wildlife. On the cruise, the highlight was Hubbard Glacier. Our cruise also went to Glacier Bay but we got much closer to the glacier at Hubbard, and truthfully Glacier Bay was a bit of a letdown after Hubbard and all the amazing stuff we’d seen pre-cruise.

    2. My sister and BIL did a cruise from Seattle to AK, and they loved it! However, they had a huge problem in late 2022. He kept getting seasick, so the ship’s doctor tested them both for covid. He was negative, and she incredibly was positive and asymptommatic. They had both tested before leaving, negative.

      They had to get off the cruise ship in Canada, and they couldn’t fly home for whatever reason. I believe Canada wanted them to quarantine for awhile in a random hotel. They had to rent a car along with other covid-positive people to drive across the border and then buy new tickets to fly home domestically.

      I’d be very hesitant to do that similar cruise now. My husband had mild covid a few weeks ago! It’s still out there.

      1. Covid is still out there, but for better or worse no one is testing anymore. They wouldn’t get booted off a cruise ship and made to quarantine if they got Covid on a cruise ship today.

    3. Going on a 2 week long cruise starting this Sunday. Have been there before (land only) and it was spectacular. Really excited about this year’s trip – will report back!

  25. A small vent on something that is normally a non-issue for me but recently I’ve being hyper aware of:

    I feel like I don’t know how/can’t be feminine the way I see other women around my age be feminine. I never feel really feminine.

    I paint my nails, will do my eyebrows, put on makeup, wear jewelry and clothes that I feel good in at home and then walk out the door. And then I look at the women at my office, on the train, in the store, at the bar, and I feel like I don’t quite fit. I don’t really know how to articulate why I feel that way either. It’s a venn diagram of feeling like my clothes arn’t right, my grooming isn’t polished enough, I’m too tall, too broad shouldered, my face isn’t especially pretty or even “handsome”. I know I really shouldn’t compare myself to other peoples outsides.

    A part of me wonders if I just never learned right. My mother has/had her own body image issues and while she was always polished and put together she is the kind of woman with the attitude that looks down on other women for trying too hard/not watching their weight/caring too much about jewelry or bags. (all a reaction to her own mother).

    1. I feel this way more often than I’d like. I take care of myself, I pay attention to my grooming, clothes, etc., but there’s always something about me that’s slightly off. I’ve always blamed my overall physique. I’m a tall size 12-14 but something about my shape has always been matronly. Which is, in itself, feminine I guess but not the right kind of feminine.

    2. I’m not super into this normally but take a look at kibbe body types.

      I’m tall and built like Julia Child. I am never going to be a cute little thing in pink ruffles. It just doesn’t work for me. Nails done, eyebrows done or not.

      However, I do love wearing lipstick, probably because of my contrast level – dark hair, very pale skin – so that’s a feminine touch for me. Otherwise I’m presently a fairly preppy/classic dresser. But I feel like myself and I feel very feminine all the time, because I’m pretty strongly female.

      Comparison is the thief of joy. You have to figure out what works for you, which may not be what works for other women.

      1. This. I’m the opposite – 5’4, slim but with curves, and I always feel so young/girly next to my taller coworkers – think Alison Brie next to Alison Janey. I’ve learned to lean into it – I look best in 1950s/1960s silhouettes (defined waist, a-line or pencil skirts, nothing below the mid-calf, well fitted items). I wear simple classic jewelry, very basic makeup that highlights one feature (eyes, cheeks, or lips) and short nails in either pale pink or red. I cannot do the Eileen Fisher art school teacher look or Katherine Hepburn menswear styles and that’s ok – I admire them on other people!

        Maybe try a clothing service and lean into different styles and silhouettes until you find what you like best?

      2. Agree that kibbe body types are a good starting point, just ignore some of the horoscope-like details. Don’t bother with trends that look awkward on your frame. Knowing your “season” is helpful for clothing color and makeup choices. The Concept Wardrobe has a good explanation. I’ve learned that as a dark winter, pale neutrals and barely-there makeup wash me out. I need a more saturated shirt color and eyeliner to look healthy

    3. Sometimes there’s a mismatch between the styles we’re drawn to, and what works for shape and size. I love the avant garde fashion that Tilda Swinton rocks. My body is more Salma Hayek curvy, and I look like an awkward cosplay attempt if I go for flowy avant garde.

      If you feel too tall or broad to be feminine, look at some people who are tall and broad shoulders to see examples of great styling that works with your shape. Anjelica Huston and Cameron Diaz springs to mind – they look awesome, and very feminine.

      A simple trick is to go woth patterns in proportion with you. Want to look great in florals? Choose a size of pattern in proportion, choose a level of contrast that works with your own contrasts. Are you more dramatic, maybe a stylised version.

      Want to do Breton stripes? Do a broader stripe. Want polka dots? Do grape sized ones. Hermes scarf? A bold one.

      1. I agree with this – sometimes what you’ve got is not what you’re drawn to! I’m average height (5’5″) and have always been curvy all over. I’d love to embrace some of the styles that favor taller, more willowy body types, androgynous styles, etc., but my body can be a barrier to achieving that. So, I just have to find my version of those styles.

    4. I’m also tall and broad shouldered. I don’t have any advice for the clothes/grooming situation, but how is your posture? Us tall ladies can be prone to slouching, and I know I am, especially when I’m not feeling confident. Standing up straight and embracing my height helps me “fake it until I make it” with feeling confident. Your mother’s attitude also sounds toxic, and I bet it is challenging to chase her voice out of your head.

    5. I feel you! I’m very tall (5’10” in bare feet) with a full figure and a more masculine/less femme face and I feel weird in many traditional, conventional feminine items—like other women got some playbook I did not.

      My solution was to look into and embrace different *types* of feminine. There’s Amazonian, Valkyrie style feminine that’s powerful, strong, bold, or perhaps on the other hand, Earth Mother that’s comfortable, flowing, natural, and connected to the seasons. The book Color Your Style has a ton of interesting “types” with extensive examples and the author (David Zyla) has Pinterest boards that are super helpful. You may find a “type” that clicks with you there and then you find that you *are* feminine, just not dainty ballerina cupcake fairy type.

      I like fashion and style and did a lot of research also on my body type, various designers and their typical styles, and have done a lot of work over the years to find a style (like taking outfit pics each day, doing various challenges like 333, and so on) and I’m still working on it!

    6. Commiseration here. I am only 5’5 but broad-shouldered and also put on muscle easily. As a teen, I was (in retrospect) bullied by several adult gay male teachers for looking too manly. So the “not feminine” thing is not just in my head.

      Second the recs around kibbe. It took me until almost 40 to realize that I should lean into more delicate and feminine details like jewelry, open necklines, etc. to look more feminine. I thought my broad shoulders and wider build meant that I should wear bolder jewelry and clothing which just made me look even more masculine and wrong. My mother was super into fashion and makeup for herself but never taught me anything.

      In my day to day, I am just going to look/feel “wrong” and oh well.

    1. There’s no such thing as a typical blood test. If you want lipase tested ask for it.

    2. You mean like a blood test for lipase? It exists, they might measure it if they think you have pancreatitis or some other problem.

    3. There are, but I think they’re used more for pretty serious conditions. If it’s something like indigestion, I’m not familiar with doctors testing levels.

    4. Well, yes. You can test for amylase and lipase, as a marker for problems with the pancreas, which makes these enzymes. But sounds like you need to see a gastroenterologist, as doing a lipase test does not necessarily answer the question that you may be asking…..

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