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Anon
What to do when paralegal does not do tasks or get back to me? Is it bad to always cc the partner on the emails?
Ellen
It is fine to cc the manageing partner in this instance, if you have already warned the paralegal that his/her performance is NOT up to par. Paralegal’s have a way of doing a power pull on us attorney’s at law just b/c we are women, and they resent us b/c we are attorneys at law and they are not, so they make us feel low by makeing us do the work they are NOT doeing. I had a man paralegal breifley when I started here that wanted to do a power pull on me after I made it clear I would NOT have s-x with him since he worked for me (and the other attorneys) and it would NOT be proper for us to have a relationship outside of work (with or without our clotheing on). He seemed put off, and stopped doing much for me, but he also was not particularly good with the other attorneys so he decided to leave the firm b/f the manageing partner would have fired him. I do not know if there is any s-xueal element between you and the paralegal but good luck to you in haveing to deal with this person. FOOEY!
Houda
If he only reports to you or a couple other people, you might want to schedule something along the lines of a quarterly review to go over things. You could use that forum to tell them how you prefer things to be done and the expected SLAs.
Sometimes you can’t do anything. When I was in industry, I had an assistant who didn’t do any of her tasks, often sabotaged projects, and complained that she wanted to be let go and she is too old for that s*** (in Morocco, laying off people is very lucrative for the employee so some companies find it cheaper to hire more people and leave others as ghosts until they retire or leave by themselves). I gave her some tasks she enjoyed but still did most of the work she was meant to deliver myself.
Anonymous
OMG — is Office Space based on . . . Morocco?
Houda
Didn’t watch it, but there are quite a few aberrations… I could write a book
It’s all behind me though, I’m glad I moved
Anonymous
I start with being more firm. “Please do this” becomes “I need this by 3” becomes a check in at noon on status, becomes a follow up “why isn’t this done.” And cc partner as needed.
Here the issue isn’t generally laziness though, it’s paras not prioritizing my work which, frankly, is correct. Partners work comes first. So I try to rely less on them, let them know in advance of a big project, and give plenty of lead time.
Woods-comma-Elle
This is really a know your office thing, but I do not think that partners’ work automatically comes first, it will be a question of deadlines for the clients. If you need something by 3 and the partner needs something by 6, then surely the para should do your work first? So they should only be prioritizing partners’ work if it is more urgent, not just because it is a partner’s.
anon
+1
This is the correct response. Also, what K said below.
K
Except presumably your work is also the partners’ work, unless you have your own clients/matters without partner involvement. In those cases, I think its 100% appropriate to copy the partner — not only for accountability for the para, but the partner may wish to give input on the assignment and may appreciate the status update that the assignment has been given. And, that way, when the paralegal has completed the task, presumably they will reply all and the partner can see that it was completed. Most lawyers are fast readers and can quickly skim an email and delete or file it if they don’t find it relevant; I find it better to err on the side of including more people on more things if there’s a reason to do so.
Anonymous
I’ll share what I’ve done to address issues with a paralegal in my office. I’m in a regional office in biglaw.
1. Yes copy the partner on all emails. The partners need to be aware that there’s a problem. Relatedly, if the problem is that the partners are taking up all of the paralegals time, then you or the partner you work for should have a conversation with them about how to best utilize the paralegals time and how to get overflow coverage.
2. Set deadlines for the paralegal that give you a little breathing room, where possible, and communicate those deadlines as far in advance as possible. As a corollary, make sure you’re giving the paralegal enough time to complete the task with the understanding that he has other more urgent things going on too. Send calendar invites for deadlines, too, and make sure the paralegal is on whatever case management calendar you have. Set a calendar reminder to yourself to follow up with the paralegal the day before an assignment is due to make sure he’s still on track.
3. If 2 doesn’t help, tell the partners that you’re having issues and ask for help addressing them. Is there another paralegal? A very competent secretary (depending on the task)? Junior associate?
4. If the paralegal has a non-attorney manager, talk to that person about the issues with the paralegal. Make sure you have the partners’ blessing first. The nationwide paralegal manager in my firm has been awesome at finding coverage in an emergency (like when my paralegal calls out for “car trouble” the morning of a huge filing that it turns out he hadn’t actually prepped the day before like he said he did).
Anon
At my firm (BigLaw), we have a person whose primary role is to oversee the paralegals. If it’s a recurring issue, I would go to that person (if you have one). It will be more effective if you go to the paralegal’s supervisor, rather than a partner who happens to be on the case. At least at my firm, the partners don’t care about things like this, and would want the associate to deal with it.
I would set firm deadlines for the paralegal, and tell them to let you know as soon as something else urgent comes up and they won’t be able to meet that deadline.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Have you tried setting a firm deadline? If not, do that first. I agree it is likely a problem of paralegals prioritizing things without telling you they are doing so.
I wouldn’t copy partners on emails. It is passive aggressive and partners won’t read the email. If it continues to be an issue, I would bring it up with a partner directly.
Langue
Thinking of picking up French classes again at intermediate/advanced level. For those who have done a language before in an area where there aren’t many native speakers how did you improve? What strategies did you use?
Anonymous
Not sure if this will help with French, but I have had an absolute blast watching TV programs in Spanish with English subtitles on. It got my ear used to listening at native speed. OTOH, not a lot of what is in Sabado Gigante, etc. and telenovelas and soccer commentary is going to help me ever. Also, the NFL does a broadcast in Spanish. It is all amazing — I cannot believe that people ever learn English as a second language (esp. if their first uses different forms of writing / doesn’t even have letters). English is batsh*t loco and very much a Frankenlanguage. It makes no sense. I cannot spell in English. My Spanish spelling is perfecto.
Anon
You should try watching Nailed It Mexico – it’s the popular Netflix baking fail show but in Mexico with a Spanish-speaking host. I don’t speak Spanish, but I imagine that would be both hilarious and more relevant than football.
Anonymous
I will check it out. Other fun Spanish-language TV shoes for a Spanish-learner to watch? I am the queen of captions (to my family’s annoyance), but it is my happy place.
Anon
I really liked alice on hbo… it’s originally in Portuguese but there’s a dubbed Spanish and enclose version with subs too.
Anonymous
It’s silly but I talk out loud to myself in French in my car all the time
Anon
Interested in this as well. Has anyone used Memrise or those apps where you can talk to native speakers? I’m working on reviving my German (I love the language) and it’s tricky finding a good strategy. I’ve never been able to stick to Duolingo.
JLR
I watch French or Quebecois tv and movies on Netflix without subtitles. I keep the car radio on CBC French. Great comprehension practice.
Anon
If you want to put a little money into it, I use Italki to work with live tutors on conversational lessons once a week or so – it’s usually around $10 to $15 per hour (less in less wealthy countries) video Skype lesson with a native speaker tutor – totally worth it to me. Along with this, listening to podcasts and shows in the language helps.
BB
Italki.com connects language students with one-on-one tutors, who meet via skype. My husband is obsessed and has been using it for a couple years.
Anon
+1. I posted an answer on this on yesterday’s original thread (bottom post).
Maudie Atkinson
There are also lots of podcasts that are good for comprehension, etc. I listen to News in Slow French every week to stay up on my aural comprehension.
Equestrian attorney
This is good advice. Both France Inter (France) and ICI Radio Canada (Quebec) have some fun podcasts, and you can slow them down for easier comprehension.
Junior Associate
Seconding the advice! RFI en francais facile, entre nos levres, TV5, les aventures de tintin (podcast) are my go-to.
Service Academies?
Hello! Do we have any graduates of any of the service academies in our ranks? I have lots of female friends in the service; they are all in medical fields though and went to regular colleges. My friends who went to service academies (most of whom are still in and are at the Navy Captain/lt colonel/colonel level) are guys.
If you exist, any words of wisdom? Have you stayed in past your commitment? Career path (and would that be feasible post-service)?
I have two science-inclined daughters (one of whom is also crazy about weather and flying/navigation/maps, both probably b/c I am also) and want to include this on their exposure list. We are friends with several pilots (one female) and my husband’s company (not his company, his employer) has an aviation division (so lots of logistics issues). I *think* they are / would be admissions eligible (scores, physical ability, etc.).
Thanks!
Anonymous
Until the Air Force academy stops tolerating rampant sexual assault and evangelical proselytizing, I would have no intention of encouraging my daughters to attend.
Anonymous
Honestly, people send their kids to schools with faculties very far to the left of most parents (unless perhaps it is a science-focused school). The kids seem do ignore that, drink beer, and graduate and go on to jobs. I wouldn’t send my kids to a strictly Catholic school (but we’re not Catholic) or somewhere like Bob Jones, but I wouldn’t be terribly concerned that they were somewhat off-of-center. They know who they are and I think they can deal with differences like the adults they are within a year or two of being.
Anonymous
Huh? You’re obviously unfamiliar with this issue. I’m not talking at all about the faculty being more conservative.
Anonymous
The proselytizing?
Anon
Are you the OP asking for opinions and then arguing with everyone whose opinion differs from yours?
Honestly if you think a right winger sending her daughter to a left leaning liberal arts school is the same as a left winger sending her daughter to a school with a sexual assault problem, I don’t know what to say to you.
Anonymous
I would discourage my daughter from attending service academies based on their s.a. records. It’s a huge problem.
Anonymous
OK, but that could be any college. And daily alcohol abuse on-campus is not what it is there vs any other school. I have a stepkid in college and alcohol-soaked is typical. And school discipline is . . . questionable (so I see the only real option for on-campus SA is reporting to city police, not campus officials).
TL;DR — it’s not like there is a special college of rainbows and unicorns on this issue
Anonymous
It’s way worse in the military.
Many colleges have a s.a. problem. Military colleges are worse.
Anonymous
Right. Because when you graduate you go into . . . An organization with rampant sexual assault.
Anonymous
Could you point me to something current on this?
My annecdata suggests that brass are so headline-adverse (and can actually enforce discipline) that they currently are much better with actual infractions, especially these (and especially when parents are non-service-connected and are very free to be noisy with a daughter’s treatment).
Anonymous
No. Google it. It isn’t hard. Your anecdotes are meaningless.
Anonymous
I think that this is a legit question for a parent of a female student to ask on tours and to officials on any campus tour. I don’t know if parents ask it (and I don’t know if fathers ask it or my guess is just mothers), but I think that they should. Along with finding out about each campus’s alcohol culture (to the extent any one will be candid with you about that). But everyone should ask and prospective students should ask b/c they have the most skin in the game.
FWIW, I was a person who had a good time in college, but seeing my stepkid’s college experience (incl. being a co-ed fraternity’s risk chair and an RA) has been eye-opening. The drinking these days and ways that students do it seem to make them particularly more vulnerable than my perceptions of it when I was in college (where I was an RA).
Anon
Students in the military academies drink! Students pretty much everywhere drink (except for maybe at very conservative religious colleges, I don’t know enough about those to say). So I don’t really get why “students at other colleges get hammered!” is a point in favor of the military academies as far as a young woman’s safety goes.
Anonymous
Students everywhere drink, but drinking culture varies widely from campus to campus. (How robust is the culture of looking out for peers who drink? Are designated drivers a social norm? Do students more typically drink whenever, or just at night on Thursday, Friday, Saturday? Is there a big social divide between the heavy drinkers and the general student population? Between drinkers and potheads? Is there a sizable percentage of students who drink responsibly, or is it typically all or nothing?). Last time I was keeping up with this, Princeton Review sometimes captured these differences (especially if you read between the lines).
Anonymous
Maybe not, but my sexual assault risk at Wellesley was dramatically lower than a service academy.
Anonymous
I get that. Same with Sweet Briar (except for those alcohol-drenched weekends elsewhere). But I don’t think that we’re women’s college material (and I don’t have a private college budget, so it’s state U for us in any event, and they are very much co-ed).
Anonymous
I wouldn’t automatically rule these it for budget reasons. Schools give a surprising amount of financial aid. I think my parents paid less for my brother at a private school than myself at a state university. And we were fairly comfortable (and my bother was a good not a great student)… my parents were really surprised.
Anon
It’s much worse in the service academies. Just because the alternatives are not perfect doesn’t mean that the military isn’t worse. I’m not the Anon at 9:27 but I would also discourage my daughter from attending a military academy for this reason.
Anon
Do you have stats for that?
Anonymous
No and I’m not your research assistant. Look it up yourself. I’m not writing a conference paper here I don’t owe you a bibliography. She asked for opinions people are sharing them.
Anon
You’re making an assertion, not sharing an opinion, and you’re also super unnecessarily hostile. It’s almost like you’re worried your assertion won’t stand up to scrutiny.
Anon
Your opinion isn’t fact. Don’t make an assertion like this with nothing to back it up.
HSAL
I’m surprised this hasn’t been posted, but maybe it’s stuck in m0d for now. This was just a quick search for the person looking for statistics, since opinions here aren’t necessarily helpful. https://dod.defense.gov/News/Article/Article/1745481/survey-shows-frustrating-increase-in-academy-sexual-misconduct/
Anon
This is interesting (and troubling), but I would be interested to see whether the rates are significantly higher than at non-SA higher education institutions. I think we can safely assume they’ll be higher than at Wellesley, but what about Penn State? That’s really the more pertinent question for anyone’s daughters.
Anonymous
Yes. They are. Again, look it up.
Seventh Sister
My husband’s cousin is married to a Naval Academy grad and she is AMAZING. After she served, she went on to a fancy consulting firm that does military-adjacent work, has four adorable kids, and now has a pretty impressive civilian job in the federal government. She’s brilliant and loved going to Annapolis.
I know there are problems in the service academies, but it strikes me as odd to throw the baby out with the bathwater when there are plenty of proselytizing evangelicals and s.a. (not to mention bribing your way in by means legal and illegal) at places like Haaaaahvaaaad and others with fancy names. When I was at Swellesley, there was certainly s.a., it was just generally off-campus and/or not reported so the administration had plausible deniability when they said, “oh, you’re so safe going here!”
Seafinch
Not exactly on par, because I am Canadian and didn’t not go to a service academy but I am JAG and have loads of female science oriented colleagues who were graduates of the Canadian equivalent (former pilots, navigators, engineers) etc. Lots stayed and have lucrative and exciting careers. We just finished a posting abroad and met some super-checked out American female LCols. I am friends with one on FB and her life could be a TV show. She is a pilot or equivalent. We have American family who considered this and said you should have the endorsement of an elected official as a reference. That said our two male friends who did West Point and the Citadel are both from humble backgrounds and didn’t. I am serving so probably biased but I think it is an incredibly rewarding and exciting career.
Anonymous
My sorority sister is an Army doctor and I would gladly trade lives with her but I’d need to train for it first. Not sure I can handle the PT or even having good posture. She is a lt colonel. And a steroetype smasher :)
Anonymous
Citadel and VMI are state colleges, so different that WP/NA/AFA (where I think you do need a reference from your congressperson). Also, Va Tech Corps of Cadets is similar(ish???).
I went to W&L during the VMI litigation and love seeing the female Keydets (Keydettes?) running through campus when I go back. I know it’s not for every teen, but for those who want that, it’s great and I want them all to rock it.
Also, not sure it is still the case, but you can’t to to a service academy if you aren’t a citizen, so in that case, go to the Citadel or VMI.
And speaking of which, any Citadel/VMI grads here? Pls say yes — would love to hear your stories.
cbackson
On the elected official thing: that’s actually a required element, and you can’t be admitted without one. The nomination comes from either your member of Congress (Senate or House) or the Vice-President. Both the number of nominations an official can make, and the number of students nominated by that official that can be at a given academy at any given time are capped. I believe that the academy superintendents may also have the ability to make nominations. That said, it doesn’t require a personal connection to get one – there are formal application processes, typically detailed on the member’s website. OP, the process is complex and lengthy and if either of your daughters is interested, you’ll want to start investigating it early in high school to make sure you don’t miss any deadlines. I helped someone do this a few years ago.
FYI, the Citadel is not a service academy in the sense OP is describing – it’s a South Carolina public college with a special type of ROTC program. If you graduate from a service academy, your education is free and you are required to serve in the military. The Citadel and the other colleges in that program (there are like 5 of them) charge tuition and you are guaranteed an active duty commission if you graduate, but not required to take one. In fact, for all that the Citadel likes to sell its military prowess, less than 25% of its graduates enter the military on graduation.
rosie
I believe Coast Guard is the only one that does not require a nomination (or at least it didn’t years ago).
Anon
I don’t know any females who attended a service academy (or, I guess that is incorrect, I know one who dropped out after one year because of the way she was treated for being female. That was 15 years ago, and I would *hope* they have gotten better since then), and would have many of the same concerns already mentioned. In addition, it is a big commitment – it’s not just picking a school, it’s picking a lifestyle for the next 10 years of her life.
Having said that, if they are actually interested, the navy academy has summer programs for high school, and I would assume that the others do to. I don’t know if it would help with admission, but I would be a chance to check out the school and have a better idea of what to expect before applying.
Anonymous
Will check out the summer program. We aren’t a military family or in a military town, but exposure when stakes are lower would be good b/c I think it’s like med school –> you have to want to do it and nothing on else on earth b/c it is so hard and is such a commitment. So better to know early if it is not for you (and good to know early if it is truly your calling).
Anonymous
Do they want to be in an organization dedicated to violent killing?
Anonymous
And I don’t mean this flippantly. Military academies train you for military service. It’s not just a great free STEM degree. You really have to be committed to the big picture. If they want to be scientists they should go do that not military.
Anonymous
Can we not?
Signed,
Thankful you all showed up in Europe in WW2
Anon
I agree in terms of service academies are not your opportunity to become a scientist tuition free and have the military pay for it but then not be committed to the military. First and foremost should be their commitment to the military, second should be the track they want to take. If they are more interested in being a scientist or doctor than they are being in the military and serving their country, this is not the way to go.
Anon
“Can we not” accurately describe the function of the military? Get over yourself.
Anon
I work in an organization that hires a lot of former military personnel. None of them joined the military because they wanted to kill people or they liked killing. The military does more than kill people and for all of you who enjoy going to work every day on a freeway or a subway without getting blown up by a terrorist bomb, believe it or not, the U.S. military is partially responsible for that freedom you enjoy. Most people join the military because it offers them opportunities they can’t get elsewhere. Not because they’re warmongering murderers-in-training.
Most of the responses to the OP’s question come across as very “sheltered Ivory Tower East Coast liberal,” and I say that as a liberal myself. I know several graduates of the Air Force Academy, including two women, who have nothing but good things to say about their experience. One woman left after her 7 year commitment and became a SAHM and the other left the Air Force as a high-ranking officer. Both came from backgrounds where college was not going to be a possibility without major loans or going into a program that would pay for their college. Maybe don’t be so quick to judge others’ choices.
cbackson
It was asked in an overly confrontational way, but I’m from a military family and I think that it is both valid and important to make sure that someone who joins the military has thought through what she may be asked to do and what she may be asked to facilitate or support through her military service.
If you are going to become an infantry officer or a fighter/bomber pilot or a naval surface warfare officer, you need to be comfortable with being trained to kill, and ultimately, with killing. If you’re trained to drive warships, you’re driving those warships so that they can deliver ordinance, fighter planes, and marines to a place where they are likely to kill people. If you are a logistics officer, you manage the logistics associated with all of that. Whether you are directly using force, or simply making the use of force possible/effective, you need to be comfortable with that ethically.
The purpose of our military is, ultimately, the protection of our nation through the use of deadly force. The military does other stuff, like disaster relief, but that is its core purpose. I’m not a pacifist, so I’m not opposed to that conceptually although I may object to specific uses of that capability. But we should not hide from that.
Anon
I’m a former Army officer, though I did ROTC. I had a number of female colleagues who were West Point grads, and as I tick through them in my mind, not a single one of them is still in the service. I only knew one or two male Pointers, and I’m not sure what they’re up to now – I haven’t kept in touch with them. I know one male AFA grad who’s still in, but he’s a 20 and out guy.
Is there a reason you’re looking specifically at the service academy route? Your daughters can get a free college education through an ROTC scholarship (at an engineering college, if that’s your hope for them) and have a dramatically better college experience. The academies are grueling – there’s no summer break (just 2 weeks per year), there’s no break from the mandatory perfection of starched uniforms and crisp bed corners and drilling and mess hall dining for four whole years.
And FWIW, there is lots of debate about whether ROTC or the academies produce better leaders (and that’s really what an academy is ultimately about). Academy grads can struggle when they get to their first duty assignment because they’ve been hearing since their senior year of high school that they’re America’s best and brightest. That praise comes to an end when they get to their first job and your boss doesn’t care where you went to school and how neatly you can make a bed and your grade in applied astrophysics because all of that has no bearing on how well you interact with, guide, coach, encourage, lead, and mentor the average Americans who enlist in the service.
Anonymous
I can’t weigh in on this, but I get what you’re staying.
The better managers I have seen (in BigLaw and within my clients) have no clear common denominator. Like maybe pedigree gets you a second look or in the door or initially hired, but success over decades is not something we have a lot of success predicting (e.g., client rock star #1: Columbia; client rock star #2: East Carolina University; not-rock star but very very good hire now running a wellness retreat: University of Maryland Eastern Shore; legal rock star: Ohio State; other rock star: William and Mary). It is random in a way that is thrilling, sort of like March Madness (but not this year).
Civilian life
this is SUPER interesting and thank you for providing your perspective!
A Friend of Mine ...
I live a mile from one of them, and know many young women who have attended (friends of my children). All have been glad they made the choice, and all have had overall positive experiences, most are currently having good careers. I know that s.a. is an issue in the academies and the services, but I don’t know how it relates to the number on other college campuses (the STEM school my dd attended is currently being sued by a number of women who had their cases mishandled, and from what I understand, the number involved in the lawsuit is just the tip of the iceberg).
My daughter was pushed in high school to attend an academy, by counselors, teachers, people she had contact with (many of our neighbors are either in the service of the near by academy or civilians who work at the academy). She did not chose to do so, because she didn’t want the commitment to the service after college. She is now looking at joining the reserves for both scholarships and to get the experience offered to people in her profession who serve.
anonanon
I have three friends who attended the Naval Academy. Two are still in service 15-20 years later and have risen through the ranks. The other went to law school (on the military’s dime) and served in the Navy JAG Corps for several years. I know it’s a small sample size but they all had great experiences and have been active in encouraging women to join the Naval ranks.
Send me your email
I have a girlfriend who went to West Point and being Military Police. That was 20 years ago and she’s still serving, I assume that is past her expected service date. We went to a women’s college together where she started ROTC and then transferred. I can put y’all in touch.
I know 1 woman who went to Air Force Academy, but I’m not sure if she graduated and she is now an instagram “model” so I don’t think she’s a great role model for anyone, sorry. (obviously it was a bad fit for her on many levels)
Physicist
The service academies may be a great fit for either or both of your daughters, but they aren’t pipelines into science careers. I’m a working scientist with a 20 year career and have never (to my knowledge) met a service academy grad. I’ve worked with a few folks who were in the service but they all went into the military right out of high school, and then went to college and grad school after leaving.
Anonymous
I hear you. I think that the service academies are to provide leaders with a technical background. So if you want to major in history or english, maybe the SAs aren’t for you –> more of a liberal arts college + ROTC may be a better fit. I know lots of infectious disease researchers at WRAIR who are career military (not sure re undergrad) and a guy who is a SWO who went to a liberal arts undergrad.
Anonymous
I know two women who are getting med school paid for by the Navy, but did not go to the Naval academy undergrad. From their perspective, this seems like a good way to go.
Inspired by Hermione
My mentor was a West Point grad and, as he once put it, he majored in Military with a minor in English (despite that English was his major). That being said- he was clearly taught how to manage, how to lead, and how to mentor and I think that’s invaluable. He’s about 9 years out from the military now and has become a VIP in our local community because he’s just so dang good at leading people to success.
Anonymous
Yeah, I think the leadership piece sticks with you. We have a friend who went to WestPoint, served in special forces and became and instructor. He’s civilian now, but it definitely served him well.
Nesprin
Speaking as someone in the science careers, there’s other ways to avoid tuition if that’s truly the biggest plus of the service academies. Likewise, by far the best introduction to working in sciences is working in a lab at a research university and at liberal arts colleges and service academies (where teaching and not research is the focus) this opportunity is somewhat curtailed.
Anonymous
We used to limit wimen’s opportunities because they were the weaker sex. What if we were talking about boys going to Weat Point? Ugh.
Anon
You’ve gotten lots of replies. Lots are about sexual assault, which to my mind shouldn’t be the primary consideration. (But it is a consideration.)
I would have trouble recommending an academy to ANYONE, male or female, who isn’t intimately familiar with military life.
Have your daughters done any of the youth military programs? Civil Air Patrol? Junior ROTC? Navy League Cadet Corp? etc? Have her parents/very close role models been active military?
If not, I really struggle to recommend that someone make such a commitment at such a young age with such little information about what they are signing up for. Military life is different, the training methods are different, the desired outcomes are different… You can’t know how you will feel about that until you live it, at least a tiny bit.
I’m not sure what the military motivation is, but I’d test the waters with ROTC first.
cbackson
This is good advice (speaking as someone from a military family).f
Anon
I agree with this too, as someone who briefly considered trying to become an officer and then started dating someone in the military and realized holy mother no I do not want this
Anon
So I haven’t (although a friend who went to West Point is no longer in the service), but I’ve worked with the military and if they are particularly interested in science, it is probably more interesting to get science/engineering/computer science degrees and work for a large government contractor. That would be if they’re interested in say building a weather satellite or writing flight software or working with GIS data, which would be very different from some of the activities that you’d do while in the military. I have worked with the military before and been invited to participate in different activities, and maybe it was just the groups I was working with (hundreds of people), but things move pretty slowly and I haven’t been impressed with the skill level of most of those people. If they do want to be pilots then the Air Force is a more natural choice, but if their focus is science I would go to a regular university and take out loans.
Anon
I’m coming at this as a person that started her career over 15 years ago in law enforcement and is now an attorney. It blows my mind that if I had stuck with it I could be 4 years from retirement right now. Anyway, my advice is very dependent on your daughters’ personalities. I went into law enforcement knowing it was a boys club, I’d be one of the only women, I would face harassment and discrimination, it would be an uphill battle for me. I was well aware of that and I wanted to face that environment head on. I wanted to be a trail blazer and prove to the nay sayers that women were just as tough as men. I only left law enforcement to be a lawyer because I sustained an injury I didn’t fully recover from and was concerned about my ability to be as physically agile as I needed to be with the permanent injury.
I’m not sure I would be willing to do it all again now but it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I feared it would be.
If your daughters are aware and willing to take on that environment, great! I would not force that on them just to save money though. Someone with no appetite for sexist BS is going to struggle there. I let the BS roll off my back then. Now, I’m not sure I’d react the same. You can’t force someone to have the personality it takes to be a trailblazer though.
Anon
OP, I’m the former Army officer from above, but I’m posting here to better the odds of you seeing this. I’d be happy to talk to you or your daughters about the military if you’d like. One of my West Point friends is these days an engineer working for a really well known company, and I know she’d be happy to talk to you or your daughters, too. I don’t have a burner email, but if you’ll post one, I’ll get back to you!
Anonymous
I love Vero Moda but this top looks like pyjamas
Nordy club notes
Does anyone know top of mind what percent off Nordstrom purchases you get using the Nordstrom card accounting for notes?
Anonymous
Low. If you have the credit card, you get 3 points per $1 spent except for special points days when you can earn more. You get a $20 note when you reach 2000 points, so at 3 points per dollar, that’s $667 spent to get $20 back, or like 3%.
lsw
It would skew slightly if you made big purchases on triple point days but I really don’t view it as a discount. I use it more for the early access to sales and getting to go to the super fun holiday shopping party.
Anon
I’m the crawl in a hole poster from yesterday afternoon. My doctor increased my Lexapro dosage today and if that doesn’t help in 4 weeks, she’s adding Wellbutrin. Thank you so much for all of the thoughtful replies yesterday.
scsmith
I’m glad they were receptive to your concerns! Thank you for being open about your experience, you’re not alone.
Anon
I’m the one who was super worried that your doctor had just sent you out for 8 weeks without any other contact. Call her in two weeks if you’re not better, ok? Especially if she’s just a regular doctor and not a psychiatrist.
Anon
Thank you! I definitely plan to reach out to her if I feel I need to this time instead of waiting until my appointment
Idea
This and text your friends, family, support group that the next month is looking hard for you and to please keep in touch. You don’t have to detail “change in mental health meds” if you don’t want to, but make sure your support network is keeping an eye out for you.
You are loved.
Inspired by Hermione
Yes, my psych follows up with an appointment 2 weeks after a big med change and then monthly.
I’ve found Daylio (app) helpful for my mental health. I can track how I feel each night or throughout the day and once you get enough data, it’s pretty clear “I started meds on Day 1 and days 5-10 were SUPER anxious and then it evened out.
Wellbutrin helped me a ton with motivation but it is activating and sends my anxiety into overdrive every time we switch my dose up. It takes about 10 days to even back out to a good place.
Anonymous
I also have to wait out the increased anxiety on Wellbutrin. Lights get too bright; cars get too fast; everything is just too much for me. But it does pass, and then for me the Wellbutrin actually starts to help with anxiety. It definitely takes some faith to get there though!
Anon
My sister in law just announced that she’s pregnant! I’m super excited for her, and want to buy her a little something to celebrate. She’s very early along (4 weeks), so has only told the immediate family. What would you all recommend to help her with the first trimester?
Lana Del Raygun
I would get some nice ginger beer! It helps with at least mild nausea and it’s a fun replacement for alcohol.
Anon
Ginger beer is low alcohol not no alcohol, right? I would avoid this unless you know she’s comfortable with a little bit of alcohol.
Anonymous
It’s no alcohol
Is it Friday yet?
It’s generally non-alcholic – Trader Joe’s makes a good one. (I mean, I can’t speak to the pregnancy nausea aspect, but it’s tasty as a mixer :)
Anon
Ginger beer is no alcohol, just spicy.
Anon
Ginger beer has as much alcohol as root beer. Which is to say, none.
Inspired by Hermione
I would make sure she likes ginger first. Ginger is apparently good for nausea, but I got literally boxes full of ginger stuff while on long term antibiotics a few years ago and it turns out it makes me vomit. Not ideal.
babby
I got my SIL one of those Bump Boxes. it was likely overpriced stuff I could’ve purchased individually myself, but she’s into those kinds of things so she loved it.
Anonymous
If she likes flowers, flower delivery. Her house will be innundated with a ton of kid clutter (that will last for years), so something pretty that won’t clutter up her place long-term.
lsw
Although if she’s experience any nausea, make sure they aren’t scented!
Signed,
I couldn’t even use mint toothpaste
Anonymous
Is this her first? High chance of miscarriage at this point so I echo ginger beer and flowers. But not baby stuff that will be despising to have if she miscarries. You might consider getting her “Expecting Better” or “Bringing up Bebe” when she’s a bit farther along.
Anon
My sil got me a prenatal massage which was amazing. I also had a few miscarriages and people sent me uber eats and flowers which were appreciated (and wine but that’s not good for a preggers).
Anon
Isn’t 4 weeks even before you’d have a missed period?
Anonymous
Does your assistant help you with committee work or other nonbillable work? What specifically do you ask them to do? I was recently asked to chair a firm committee so I’d like to delegate some work to my assistant but I’m not really sure what I should be delegating. I could use some help with organizational things – keeping track of contact information for committee members as they cycle on and off the committee, setting up meetings, keeping a list of action items, setting deadlines for action items, following up with people around the firm, etc. Is it appropriate to ask my assistant to help with these things? Is there anything else I’m not thinking of?
Anonymous
Yes to most, but not to setting action items or following up on action items.
Maudie Atkinson
In my office, this would be not only appropriate work for an assistant to handle, but very much expected.
Anon
I serve on a lot of committees. I would take the confidentiality requirements, if any, very seriously before delegating. I was in a committee meeting not long ago where one of the members got a talking-to because one of his staff members called the institute with questions about the agenda before the meeting, and his membership requires confidentiality. It was a big no-no and he was embarrassed.
Anonymous
Do you tell colleagues when you say nice things about them to their superiors? Does it matter if the colleague is your subordinate, peer, or superior?
I always appreciate other people telling me when they’ve said nice things about me. For some reason, I feel like I’ll come off as braggy? or looking for a favor? or something? if I tell other people when I’ve been singing their praises. I’m completely open to the possibility that this is all in my head. I’d love to hear other people’s experience with this.
Anonymous
Yeah it’s all in your head.
Anon
I usually send compliments about people to their supervisor via email. I find that great supervisors usually forward those emails onto their employee anyway – but I also figure it’s people who are doing a great job with poor supervisors who would find the most value in someone else saying they’re doing great. As a result, I often either bcc the person the email is about, or forward it to them after with the text “FYI”.
I think it’s less about looking braggy when singing someone’s praises vs making sure that they get the feedback that they’re doing well.
(All of this is for when I’m sending feedback on people more junior to me. I’d probably feel differently about sending feedback upwards, though I do that much, much less often.)
Anon Equity Partner
I absolutely do. I lobby management re our team and what it does all the time and when someone does something particularly well or particularly valuable, I note that. Just playing the game. And then I let the team member know that.
Houda
I don’t people when I go to bat for them, sometimes they are in the room so they see it. Bizarrely, the partner I work with the most has picked on the fact that I get motivated through aspiration not money or title so he every now and then would tell me when he praises me to the office head and other partners.
Anon
I always forward nice words said by me or by another person to the person being praised, it’s nice to know who is receiving positive news about you.
Equestrian attorney
+1. If it’s just a quick comment in passing, it’s probably not worth it. But I have had colleagues forward me things like “I think Equestrian should be promoted” or “Equestrian was instrumental to this project’s success” that they sent to some higher-up and it feels great, so I’ve started doing it for others too.
K
This sounds very awkward. I don’t really find myself with the opportunity to say positive things about my colleagues to others — to me, that would sound like I’m putting myself in the position of judging/evaluating their work, which isn’t really my role, unless I was asked, certainly as to a peer or supervisor. For a subordinate, I’d be more likely to give positive feedback directly: “Thanks again for your quick work on that filing, it was really helpful” vs. “I was telling Partner Bob how helpful you were on that filing” — the latter just seems strange to me.
OP
Your last example is my struggle rn. Actually the paralegal post above inspired this post. I saw the firmwide paralegal manager recently and I mentioned how much I enjoyed working with a new paralegal in another office. I was going back and forth about whether to tell the paralegal about it, but like you said, that seems strange, maybe even gossipy. Maybe I should just write up an email to the manager and forward it to paralegal. I’d planned to do that at the end of this project, but I guess I could do it now too.
Anonymous
I think this is on the paralegal manager to share. My boss often tells me when someone says good things about me to him, and it makes me happy. I try to do the same. I think it is the manager’s responsibility to pass it along, not you.
OP
Thanks!
Anonymous
I work in teams of all sizes, and make sure I thank my colleagues at my level who pitched in to get something done, copying their manager.
Anon
I love to hear praise and know I’m doing a good job, but I always prefer a complimentary email that copies my boss.
Walnut
I bcc the person I am praising. Why pass up an opportunity to let someone know you think they’re killing it? Why not take the opportunity to put a little swagger in their step for the rest of the day?
Anon
I work cross departmentmentally helping with gov audits of various aspects of our company. I’m often assigned a local team for the week and at the end of the audit, when someone had been really helpful and great, I make it a habit to email their supervisor. I also always fwd it to the person and just say- FYI, thanks it was so great working with you. I just think it’s a nice thing to do.
The original Scarlett
Posted a little late last night, but I’m heading to DC for work next week – what are you ladies wearing these days in terms of coats and shoes?
Cat
Layers. It’s chilly in the morning/evening, but mild/warm midday. Light trench + light sweater (like a Tippi), or light trench + blouse + colorful springy scarf.
Bootie season is pretty much over. Pointed toe flats or smoking slippers are popular.
Anon
+1
The original Scarlett
Thanks!!
Anonymous
it varies day to day, so you’ll have to look at the forecast for the days you plan to come — the temp is swinging between 30-70 degrees here!
The original Scarlett
Yeah, it looks like it’s doing that next week, too and I’m just flummoxed by that! I live where there’s a 15 degree swing over the course of year so I’m struggling with what to pack.
Anon
Layers. That’s how you pack for temperature fluctuations.
PolyD
It’s also the time of year where you will see a woman wearing tights and boots walking next to a woman in bare legs and sandals.
But yeah, layers. Although I do find footwear to be a little more problematic.
The original Scarlett
Thanks – yea, it’s the shoes and coat factor that’s hard. I try to pack lightly & hate being cold . . .
emeralds
What are your favorite ways to make company-sponsored polos not hideous? I’m going to have to wear one to regular events for the next couple of months, and it is looking rough–mine is two sizes too big and almost exactly the same shade of navy as my jeans. Last week I did a full tuck with a belt and a cardigan, this week I’m doing a French tuck with a long cardigan. I can’t tuck it into a pencil skirt because I need to be able to bend over and drag around boxes. It will probably get too hot for cardis before the series is done, so French tucks will be out because the extra fabric bags so much at the sides.
Ideas? I’m thinking I might get a pair of lighter-wash jeans, so at least I don’t look like a navy blob?
Or am I just going to need to make my peace with looking gross? I’ve never understood why people prefer ill-fitting and unattractive logo apparel over nicer unbranded stuff with a name tag, but I guess that’s just me.
Anon
Can you get it altered to nip it in at the waist?
Anonymous
Tell the company you need a new polo that fits. They should comply – it doesn’t reflect well on them if you look sloppy.
Anon
This. It’s not on you to get your company mandated shirt tailored to fit. Two sizes too big is a shirt that doesn’t fit you. Tell them you need one that does.
Small Firm IP Litigator
If possible, this. I had this issue in my pre-lawyer job. But they were doing the best they could – there was nothing even remotely close to fitting me. The smallest polo shirt size they could order from whereever they were ordering was so large that the supposed to be short sleeves were only a few inches from my wrists. I talked to my manager and agreed I could just wear a plain black polo that did fit me (the shirts were black).
Anonymous
Just wear your shirt and move on. It’s not about looking good.
K
Perfect advice. It looks awkward on everyone, who cares.
Anon
Can you get it to a tailor on a rush job? I mean it seems like the worst part is not that it is company branded (most company branded clothes I’ve seen are on nike or similar brand polo base) not the quality of the shirt. I think you’re thinking about this too hard. Pair is with medium or light wash jeans and khakis and call it a day – you’re trying to be functional not a fashion plate (assuming moving around boxes etc, it’s conference type events so lots of moving around).
Anonymous
Can you get it tailored to your shape and wear it untucked?
Cat
Can you get the top taken in? Might be worth the $10-15 to slim the sides, given how much you’ll need to wear it.
Gray or white jeans would be cute with navy.
Panda Bear
Could you have it tailored? It would probably be pretty simple to take it in at the sides and perhaps hem in shorter so that it fits like a proper size. Or just see if you can order a new one in a smaller size. For the color issue, perhaps black jeans would provide a bit more contrast if the shirt is a relatively brighter shade of navy.
pugsnbourbon
I think gray or olive jeans would also look nice with navy.
Anonymous
You have my sympathies! Polo shirts are awful. Nothing useful to say, except, yep, tailoring.
Good luck
My company gave us $100 to spend at Aramark online, picking out the logo apparel we wanted in our size and preferred cut, within limits. This isn’t helpful to your situation per se, but maybe suggest it to whomever is in charge?
anon
why is it 2 sizes too large? is there a limited shirt budget? Can’t you ask for the right size? and then wear it…..who cares
Monday
If you’re allowed to wear jeans, I take it these are casual events?
Assuming you have to work with what you have, I’d roll the sleeves up so they fit more closely, and tie the excess waist-area fabric on the side or in the back, 80s style.
Rainbow Hair
Can you sew? I’ve taken in a men’s butt0n shirt (will this get me in m0d?!) that I had to wear for work by following some super basic youtube tutorials. Flip inside out, sew whatever distance in from the edges (up the sides to the armpits, then down along the bottom of the sleeves), shorten the bottom, boom! It’s still an ugly shirt, but it’s an ugly shirt I can wear untucked over pants without feeling like I’m in my dad’s clothes.
Anon
+1. I’ve actually done this with those terrible polo shirts. You can use a well-fitting shirt as a template, trace its outline and sew along the line accounting for the seam.
emeralds
Sorry for the late response, my day got unexpectedly hectic! I wish I could just get one that fit, but we only place shirt orders once a year and I missed it (already tried to request an exception and it was rejected #bureaucracy).
I will look into Youtube tutorials for basic alterations–I have 101-level sewing skills so if it’s really that easy it’s worth a shot. Not spending money getting this thing altered though, since I should be able to get one that fits next year.
One of my coworkers was wearing the polo (granted, in the right size) with gray jeans–it actually looked pretty good, so I think I’m going to check out some different jean options.
Anonymous
Untucked over slimmer pants than jeans, like those MM LF Foster pants?
Ann
Having worked in the male-dominated energy industry, being given a large men’s polo when I am a petite (5ft) woman happened once, when women’s sizing was not an option. I had a second experience where the only size available was large. The first time I couldn’t bring myself to wear the shirt, as I was facilitating an event, and looked like a child in my dad’s shirt. What I did instead was wear a blouse the same color. As it sounds like you will be wearing the shirt often (and are required to wear it), you are on the right track with a lighter wash denim. I tucked the second one (dark red) into medium wash jeans with a sturdy leather belt.
If your experience is due to women’s sizing not being available, then it may be worth asking whoever procures the shirts if they are available in women’s sizes. IMO all people in the workforce have the right to properly fitting work apparel, especially when provided by the employer. For anyone who wonders – does this matter – I leave you with this: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/25/science/female-spacewalk-canceled.html
Anonymous
Are soludos comfortable?
lsw
Absolutely no arch support so I can’t wear them for a long walk or anything, but otherwise generally okay.
waffles
I have had a few pair of the classic espadrilles. Super tight at the beginning but they will stretch out over time. I wouldn’t say comfortable, but they are the only shoes I can walk in all day in summer without blisters. The tightness means they don’t slip and the jute soles are wonderfully breathable.
Triangle Pose
Yes. I have the Collette heel which is a 4 inch block heel with a ankle strap and I wear them all the time in the office. I put foot petals in all my heels and these too but they are my favorite high heel to where at work now that they are seasonally appropriate.
Anonymous
My dentist says I need crowns (from too much teeth grinding over the years). Ever needing crowns was not previously on my radar. Any advice, recommendations, or regrets from others who have gone before me?
Idea
Get a 2nd opinion. I am assuming the suggested teeth are in the back? No one will notice.
anon a mouse
Why do you need crowns? Usually they are placed after a root canal.
Anonymous
I’d get a second opinion. The only crowns I’m aware of are from severe decay/cavities. (Not that I’m a dental expert my any means.)
mascot
Did s/he also recommend a night guard? I clench my teeth, particularly in my sleep, and my dentist was able to get me a custom fit night guard to prevent further damage.
Houda
I too had a plastic type material night guard molded due to constantly grinding my teeth. So far 7 months and going well. I didn’t break it, and the low key jaw pain disappeared
Original Moonstone
I’ve had two crowns, also because of grinding. It’s a longer appointment than getting a cavity filled but it’s not so bad.
PolyD
I had a crown without needing a root canal. I had big fillings in the tooth, and the tooth was wearing down around the filling and there wasn’t enough tooth left to just fill. And, I have been going to this dentist for almost 20 years and trust her implicitly. She was honest about tooth bleaching not really working for the type of discoloration my teeth have and has always tried to do the minimum amount to keep things stable and healthy, in other words, not immediately rushing to a crown when a filling would do.
The process was not bad at all. Long and tedious, but not painful, no more so than a not-too-bad cavity. My dentist also made the crown in her office – it was really cool, they digitally image your tooth (well, tooth stump after they grind it down) and then the crown is carved out of what looks like a dice with no spots, using high pressure water (yes, I watched). The most painful part of the day was the bill.
K
I grind my teeth and had a cracked tooth that I got crowned. My dentist assures me that she does like three crowns a day and it is not a big deal.
Anonymous
Thanks so much; I’m feeling a little better about this. The apparently cracked teeth are way in the back, so I’m not worried about aesthetics. Another dentist tried and failed to address the exposed dentin with fillings alone, so I sought out a more experienced dentist for a second opinion (and this was it). I was definitely asked to give my mouth guard another try to avoid needing additional crowns in the future. I’m glad no one had horror stories to share.
Anonymous
I have had a crown for ages; it’s NBD.
Phone card case attachment
Do you have a wallet/card case attachment on your phone? I would like one, but shopping on a m a z o n have been overwhelming. I would like one that is sleek and can hold up to 5 cards…but I’ll settle for one that can hold 2 if it is really slick and durable. Any recs?
Anon
I’ve had two. One for Speigen which I had for over a year before it broke (held 2 cards max) and one from Silk (holds 3). The first one had a sliding cover so the cards were fully hidden (and I think there was an RFID blocker). The second one has a little tab you push the cards out so it’s visible there are cards inside. Its also thicker/larger (fits in my back jean pocket or my coat pocket, still). The second holds more and feels more sturdy so I prefer it, but both were fine.
Anonymous
I searched my amazon history and my husband and I use these:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B074KZ3DZ5/ref=oh_aui_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Mines been on my phone for over a year. It has 4 cards currently, but one of them is my security badge at work which is easily 2 maybe 3 cards thick. 100% would recommend, its my favorite thing. I don’t carry a wallet anymore.
Abby
I do! I have the iphone6, so I don’t remember where I bought it, but my last phone I used one as well and it was from Speck. I can fit 4 cards (it’s advertised as 3), but it’s just a regular case, not the kind that flips open. I never carry my wallet, I also never carry cash, but it’s great. The only downside is if you regularly keep 4 cards in it, and then want to only carry 2, I don’t think it would stay very well because it’s stretched out. Mine is similar to this: https://www.amazon.com/Silk-iPhone-Wallet-Case-Protective/dp/B01LW6VNNY/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=iphone+case+with+card+holder&qid=1553870748&s=gateway&sr=8-5
Shopaholic
I didn’t like any of the wallet cases on amazon so I bought a cuter case and a casemate stick-on wallet (both off amazon). The stick on case is really durable and sturdy.
Anon
I didn’t like any of the wallet cases on amazon so I bought a cuter case and a casemate stick-on wallet (both off amazon). The stick on case is really durable and sturdy.
Anon
I always buy this Arium Clutch Bumper on eBay. It’s amazing! It holds my ID, metrocard, credit card and a few other random things. It also has a clip that I hold on to so I don’t drop it and it’s great for running.
Anon
My employer requires us to set our retirement contributions as a percentage of income, not a dollar amount. I want to contribute the IRS max. Fine, I do the math, and I figure out what % of my income $19,000 is. The problem is that I periodically and unexpectedly get small bonuses (I’m talking like $500 here, nothing life-changing). But then they contribute the same percent of the bonus to my retirement accounts, which throws off my math. Even if I constantly log on and re-do the math for the remaining months, I don’t know when the changes I make will take effect, it usually takes a payroll period or two (I’m paid monthly). And I don’t want to take a chance on going over, so I usually err on the side of caution and end up not maxing my account for the year. I know this is a first world problem, but it’s incredibly frustrating. Any advice? I feel like there must be an obvious solution here, but I’m not seeing it. (I hope people think this isn’t a humblebrag about maxing my retirement, I’ve only relatively recently been in a position to do this and don’t have a lot of money saved for someone my age.)
Anonymous
Payroll generally won’t let you go over.
Anon
I called them to ask about it and they said they will contribute whatever % you request and it’s on you to make sure you don’t go over. It would be so much easier if I could just aim higher and assume they would stop when I hit $19,000 but I really don’t think that’s the case.
Cat
That is REALLY annoying. I’ve never worked anywhere that had the % approach but didn’t automatically stop deducting once you hit the max. Is there an option to exclude bonuses from having the deduction? They might be processed in a different way than regular payroll.
lsw
Can you ask what the penalty would be/what happens if you do? And is there a way to make a lump payment at the end of the year (I have no idea how that would work)? Is it like a Roth IRA where you have until the following April to pay in fully?
Anon
I went over because I changed jobs mid year. I got a nasty gram from the … IRS? Something … and I had to work with the 401k administrator to take the money back out of my account and run it through my normal paycheck, taxed.
anon
my employer stops when you hit the limit….that’s not that hard to do with payroll systems these days….also, I set the paycheck withdrawal to salary only, so it doesn’t take part of my bonus….you do this on the 401 k plan site – look at paycheck withdrawal
Anon
my employer stops when you hit the limit….that’s not that hard to do with payroll systems these days….also, I set the paycheck withdrawal to salary only, so it doesn’t take part of my bonus….you do this on the 401 k plan site – look at paycheck withdrawal
Anonymous
Many employers do this math for you and stop contributions from your paycheck when you hit the max. For example, I hit it in November and then it is not withdrawn from my December paychecks. My employers have always done this, but someone posted a similar question here one time and I learned others don’t. Worth finding out.
Anonymous
Err on the side of going over. Mine automatically stops at the limit.
Sutemi
My company caps contributions at $19,000 and won’t let anyone go over. Therefore I just plan to reach the cap by early December and my last paycheck or two is higher, just in time for winter holidays. Will you company do the same?
Anonymous
I recheck occasionally and change my rate of contribution as needed.
Anon
I do my best calculation in March then just check in again in Oct of each year and adjust for the last few months.
Anonymous
Yeah, your employer shouldn’t let you go over. This isn’t on you.
Help me shop?
Anyone wanna help me shop?? I want to buy the Babaton Lawson trench from Aritzia but can’t decide on a color. Particularly torn between Monterey, Tawny, and Sea Salt. Hoping this will be a weekday + weekend trench for years to come. Google “Meghan Markle Lawson Trench” to see it in action. Link to follow.
Anonymous
https://www.aritzia.com/us/en/product/lawson-trench-coat/50438.html?dwvar_50438_color=11905
Abby
I love the sea salt color. I think Monterey looks a little heavy, I’d reach for it in the fall, but in the spring it’s too dark for my tastes. Tawny is nice, but I think the brightness of sea salt is just so refreshing.
Anon
We had a small thread on this the other day but basically, white coats look like lab coats / doctor costumes, and are hard to pull off IRL. I’d go for whichever of the other two colors suits your coloring better.
Anon
I would get Dionysus personally. Tawny is nice but more predictable colour. Monterey looks more fall/winter and I’m not a fan of brown. Sea Salt is beautiful but only for warm weather imo.
Anon
I like the sea salt color, but would get that thing dirty so fast. I’d buy the dionysus color for myself.
Anonymous
Monterrey is more unique than Tawny, and brown will be trending back.
Idea
Aren’t bonuses subject to different deductions, etc.? I mean, is it your paycheck that varies each pay period, or is it “here is this 1 bonus check” which I thought was treated differently by payroll, IRS, etc.?
Anon
They call it a bonus, but it’s treated more like extra salary. It comes at the end of the month and is lumped in with the regular salary for deductions, etc.
Anon
I find that they under-withhold generally on bonuses (it should really be at your top marginal rate but it’s not) so don’t count on it all being yours before you do your taxes. I just had to pay an additional 5 figures on mine. :/
Anon
My last 2 companies withheld 50% of my yearly bonus for taxes (and then you sort out the actual taxes during tax season). Ours comes as a separate check in between paychecks.
anon
They can, but they don’t have to. My company does, but my husband’s company just runs bonuses through regular (but separate) payroll.
Nantucket
What’s your favorite “fancy restaurant” for a special occasion on Nantucket? Thanks!
NYCer
I like Galley Beach, particularly if you’re with people who haven’t been to Nantucket. The location can’t be beat.
Nautilus is also great.
Anon
It might be too late in the morning for this, but would people here recommend traveling to Vienna, Salzburg, and/or Budapest in November? We’re considering going over Thanksgiving week. I’d love to be able to go to a Christmas market or two, but otherwise, I’m a bit wary of the short days and potential weather. Any thoughts?
BabyAssociate
I’ve been to Budapest in January and loved it, gorgeous city. Cold weather allows you to take full advantage of the baths!
anon
i went to Vienna and Salzburg in early December years ago when i studied abroad in college. in Salzburg i felt like i’d stepped onto a movie set. it was so picturesque and i loved all of the christmas markets and the sound of music tour. obviously totally different experience than going in warmer weather, but it was beautiful
Equestrian attorney
I did Vienna over Christmas and enjoyed.
Anonymous
I went to Vienna last Christmas with a Martin Randall Art and Architecture tour. It was a marvellous trip. Not too cold, light snow one morning though more outside the city. Yes it gets dark fairly early but the lights in the central city were magical. And the tourist sights were less crowded than at other times of the year.
NOLA
I studied in Vienna and went to Salzburg in December. Vienna wasn’t bad in November and early December. Very little snow. Not horribly cold yet. Salzburg in early December was beautiful but, when we went, very cold. The thing I remember most was that the stone streets radiated cold. Just be sure you wear warm boots if that’s the forecast. We were dumb kids and probably didn’t wear warm enough boots or shoes.
Tipping
Am I supposed to tip upholstery cleaners like I would house cleaners? I’m pretty sure it’s also going to be the owner of the company coming to do the job.
Anonymous
No
Judith
Suggestions for a gift for a college student? She’s studying engineering, loves Latin, and has a very classic style. Budget is $150, and I’d like it to be an actual gift, not just cash or a GC. TIA!
Anonymous
Trench coat!
https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/j-crew-2011-icon-trench-coat-regular-petite/4867979?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FCoats%2C%20Jackets%20%26%20Blazers%2FTrench&color=vintage%20khaki
Useful, classic, easy to return to Nordstrom if she doesn’t like it.
Vicky Austin
I would have LOVED somebody to give me a trench coat when I was in college. (Not that I’d turn it down now or anything either! Just remember really wishing for one at that time.)
anne-on
The madewell tote? Otherwise maybe a nice blazer or piece for work she can easily return if she doesn’t like them? My work-wear wardrobe was nonexistant and I really struggled with the $$ outlay when I graduated and had to buy a whole bunch of stuff at once.
Dating Friend’s Boss?
I’ve been dating a guy who works at a large company with one of my friends. They aren’t on the same team, so they don’t work together all the time, but their teams work together every so often. My guy is about a step or two up in superiority from my friend on a normal basis, but he told me last night that my friend’s boss will be leaving in a few months and he will be my friend’s interim boss.
I feel weird about this situation and am not really sure how to handle. It’s not serious enough to warrant breaking up, and I know I’ll have to be very discreet with information shared on both sides re: our relationship, but does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? He would be her boss for an undefined length of time, but it would not be permanent.
Anonymous
It’s fine. Just make it clear to both that you don’t want to hear about anything work related that relates to their working relationship.
Anonymous
He shouldn’t share any info at all about her with you, you shouldn’t share any info about her with him.
Anon
Why on Earth would this be even close to a breakupable offense? What is the problem here? What is the situation? “My boyfriend may be my friend’s interim boss”. Okay? It’s not permanent and literally does not affect you in any way. Are you sure you really like him? It’s not normal to question a relationship over something like this.
Maddy
Agreed! This just isn’t a thing? Are you sure you are happy in this relationship if you even think about breaking up over something like this?
anon
This doesn’t seem like it has to be a huge issue, unless I’m missing something. It’s just that some topics are off limits for a little while. She doesn’t complain to you about her boss, and you don’t tell her lots of intimate details about your relationship. If they don’t put you in the middle of anything, it should be totally fine.
Anonymous
I’m shocked you would consider breaking up with someone over this. It’s really not a big deal. Don’t talk about them to each other and let them know they shouldn’t talk about the other to you.
Anon
+1
Anon
+1
Wow
Could anyone recommend a Light, sweat wicking, jacket for my 75 year old disabled father? Something close fitting to the arms but not skin tight, sporty (like you might wear to the gym) that provides some protection from wind but breathes? NOT a traditional wind breaker, which is too hot for him. He runs warm at baseline.
I think I will be reported to adult protective services soon if another neighbor sees me taking my Dad to physical therapy in 40 degree weather with only a short sleeve t-shirt on because he refuses to wear a coat!
Anon
Honestly, just go to any store that sells sporting goods and pick something out. There are a zillion options out there fitting your criteria. REI is also a good place to look and they are having a member coupon promotion right now.
Wow
I’ll take a look at REI thanks.
JS
This seems to be exactly the material you’re looking for: https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/mens-ua-hybrid-windbreaker/pid1306456-101
Wow
That looks great. Many thanks. Pricey!
Anonymous
Honestly, I think I’d look at a typical sweatshirt material zip-up hoodie here. Or a long sleeved quarter-zip from Under Armour or something.
Wow
Unfortunately he dislikes a typical sweatshirt material. Thanks for the Under Armour recs though. I wasn’t familiar with that brand.
Anonymous
If he won’t wear a coat or a sweater, why would he wear this type of jacket? I think you need to talk to him about why he doesn’t want to wear a coat. You don’t want to go through the trouble of getting a jacket only to find he won’t wear that either.
Most outdoor companies have some version of a windproof/waterproof breathable coat. Or just go with a thick fleece jacket from LLbean or Lands End.
Anon
Lululemon Warp Light Jacket or Active Jacket. Mesh panels/vented + water repellent. Running stores might have other options.
Anon
My husband digs puma jackets for this… they have a plain one at costco atm for a very low price (we get the super colorful ones st the outlets for a bit more $).
Anonymous
Cheap/medium priced haircuts — any recs for women’s haircuts? I live in Arlington but am willing to drive out on 66w prob out to falls church, Reston, Tyson’s. Seems like every place in this area is either a $60 or $80 hair cut which seems like way too much when you just need a wash and 4 inches cut off not a style or blow out or is super cheap like a Super Cuts – often with inexperienced stylists, run down locations. I’d like a bit more – a super clean place with a somewhat experienced person (though not a master stylist or anything). Is that possible in the $30-50 range? Or do people just go to super cuts when trims are all they need or shell out $80?
Anon
Watch YouTube videos and cut it yourself. If all you want is 4 inches off, that really doesn’t sound worth a long drive and a lot of money.
Anonymous
Yeah no way. I’ll take recs.
Anonymous
A super clean place with an experienced stylist costs $80.
kk
Yep. Especially if you need 4 inches off.
I had great experiences at Casal’s at the Clarendon, but if you’re willing to go farther from the Metro, I’ve heard good things about Posh and Industry. Clarencourt Salon and Jon David Salons both look cheap but I have no experience there. There’s always the Aveda institute at Gallery Place, if you’re open to that.
Anonymous
Bang in gallery place can be in the $50 range.
Blueberries
No recs, but this sounds like a job for an individual stylist who just rents a chair rather than a salon. I live in a much higher COL place, and get charged $35 for haircuts (though generous regular + holiday tipping mean I actually pay a fair amount more) from someone very experienced and awesome. She rents a chair in a simple space where other stylists rent chairs. She doesn’t have a receptionist, assistant, sign, etc. I schedule appointments by text. If not for a personal connection, I never would have found her.
Sadie
Booth rental is illegal in Virginia. It’s illegal in a number of states, unfortunately.
Get a cut!
Hair Cuttery or Bubbles or Great Clips
Anon
Applying for a job here, but I find their home page graphics very odd. Reading too much into it or it’s actually strange?
http://www.cushmanwakefield.com/en
BabyAssociate
Reading too much into it
Annonnnn
What about it is odd to you? They are highlighting real employees in the pics, I like that. I hate companies using stock photos which are clearly not of their own employees.
Anonymous
What?
Anon
Are you referring to the fact that everyone featured on the homepage is white? I like that they chose women, but it did jump out at me that all three women are white and I could see that being off-putting to a POC. (I am white, fwiw).
Anon
I was expecting some janky looking website designed by the CEO’s middle school aged son or something, but this looks totally fine. I don’t know what your concerns are.
Anon
OK, thanks for the reality check! Yes, referring to the fact that the women all basically look the same.
Anon
I find it odd. They have pictures of four women on their home page, and they all look very similar. Since I don’t look like them, does that mean I’m not wanted? I also though it was a little weird that they are all white women – no POC or men? Seems like they are going for more of a model look (like, look at the hot women who you could have work for you if you hired our company) and not a representative sample of their company, and I’m not a fan of what that says about the company.
Anonymous
It seems like the blonde white women featured are either german or dutch. I think that’s how most women would look like in those places, don’t read too much into it. My local branch for this company has normal people working there: tall, short, slim, fat, women, men… I’ll admit, not minorities, but those are *very* hard to come by at my location
Anonymous
They look like they came out of the same sorority. To a GDI, that is a bit creepy.
Enjoy
If you think this is odd, please look up Pierce Bainbridge.
Anonymous
OMG. Sending this to our marketing team for a good laugh.