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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Last Call is offering an additional 30-40% off everything for Columbus Day, which means there are some great deals to be had. I'm a fan of this dusty blue dress — love the wide V-neck, the sleeves, and those lovely darts on the side. There's a matching knit jacket (with similarly great darts), but I probably wouldn't wear them together and I might swap out the buttons on the jacket for plainer ones. The dress was $995, then marked to $595, which means it comes down to $357 in today's sale. St John Knit Seam-Waist V-Neck Dress, Bristol Blue
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(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
NYC Meet Up?
If there’s any interest in an NYC meet up, does Monday 11/11 at 7pm at Grey Dog’s work for everyone? Thanks ladies! Look forward to meeting up!
Travel Q
I am usually a desk worker, but I have to travel a lot soon. Usually, I am a fan of denim + shirt (not a shirt with words)/sweater for travel (not gym attire and not work clothes unless I’m going from airport/train straight to a meeting). On some of the trips, I may be traveling with co-workers (but not going straight to the office) and one trip is 5+ hours on a plane (+ trip home). I’m inclined to use the usual travel uniform, but I’m wondering if I shouldn’t step up my game (the fantasy is that I have a seatmate who would be a great professional catch).
In my mind, this could be as simple as swapping out sneakers for shoes, but there’s a bigger picture Q here.
Monte
I think it depends on your industry and who you hope to meet. I would be shocked if the Warren Buffets of the world traveled in suits. When I want to be comfortable but competent looking, I have two outfits. The first is similar to yours — jeans and a cashmere sweater with boots (never sneakers, and heels don’t work if I might have to run for a plane) or a comfortable jersey dress with boots or flats. I think a nice coat finishes both off well, but you are comfortable enough to shlep luggage and cram into airline seating.
Cb
Yep, I like a jersey dress, especially ones with a fuller skirt in case the seat next to me is empty so I can curl up a bit.
Killer Kitten Heels
I like ponte knit blazers for stuff like this – it feels like wearing a sweatshirt, but looks dressed up, so you’ve got both your “comfort” and your “professionalism” bases covered.
I’d probably pair the blazer with trouser jeans or a jersey dress or skirt. I also have amazingly comfortable trouser-cut cords that are good in the fall/winter if I’m traveling from one cold place to another.
anony
Maybe swap chinos for denim and loafers for sneakers?
And now… TJ: I live in a central and quite neighborhood but one neighbor is the nightmare of the building: She yells constantly (at her kids who yell back) if she is here, took over parts of the property and she has threatened me in the past and again now…” I am going to badmouth you” (transliterating). I have been seriously considering moving (I am renting) but since I am unemployed and looking for work it makes sense to wait at least until its time to renew or see where my next job is going to be located. How do I deal with her? She has a habit of using parking spots that are mine or other neighbors’ or plain blocking the parking lot altogether, I am alone most of the time and after 2.5 years I cannot deal with her any more especially in my current situation when I am home a lot, trying to write and concentrate. I worry that if I call the police they will do nothing and she will retaliate.
As for now I just asked if this was a threat and asked her to stay away from me (but similar scenes happen every few weeks).
Ideas?
Cb
Aack, I can commiserate. We have a neighbour who gets sloppy drunk and yells at the poor kid practicing his trumpet. She is also persistently running into the concrete walls in the parking lot. I work from home 1-2 days a week rather than going in to campus and realised that I have to keep the front windows closed to avoid feeling like a spectacle or having to field questions and small chat from the neighbours.
Does it make sense to keep your head down until you can get out? Is there a building board that you can complain to? Are other neighbours experiencing problems with her? Have you figured out her schedule? Is it possible to work when she’s away?
Killer Kitten Heels
I think your options are basically (1) move now; or (2) keep your head down, stay out of her way, and move later.
Nothing you’ve described her doing seems to rise to the level of police intervention (except maybe yelling at the kids, depending on local noise ordinances and/or if you suspect the kids are being abused), and I don’t see it ending well for you if you do get the police involved and she finds out it was you who called them. Really, the intervention here should come from your landlord, but since it sounds like your landlord has been letting this go on unchecked for over 2 years, I don’t see you getting much help on that front.
Brant
Assuming your landlord is of no help, I’d say stick it out until you know what your next move is going to be. To mitigate the annoyance, can you spend some of your day out of the house–like do your job searching/networking from a library or coffee shop? Are there times of day when she’s quiet when you could be at home (ie does she work or sleep late, or is it relatively peaceful when the kids are at school?) If you MUST be at home, do you have good headphones and/or could you put on non distracting music to drown her out?
anony
I hope that by the early summer I will be looking at new places. Thank you all for your support. the only thing I hate to lose is the great location and the extra year for the same price in this crazy market. Trying to work at a nearby coffee shop sounds like a good idea.
Sierra
Have you actually mentioned the problem to your landlord? If not, consider advising your landlord that you plan to move because of this woman. Perhaps realizing your landlord is losing a presumably good tenant (and this could affect rental price in future) would motivate the landlord to try to resolve things with her (or have your landlord talk to her landlord if she’s renting!).
Anon
Honestly, I’d have her car towed. Talk to the landlord about the rules and which towing company to call.
Susedna
I’m LOL’ing at this, not because it’s bad to consider this, but because it also crossed my mind.
However, given that the landlord has done diddly squat about this woman’s antics, I would probably recommend against this course of the action for the OP because I suspect this landlord would probably tip off the problem neighbor that it was the OP. I just wouldn’t put it past the landlord to do something like this.
The other thing is, I wonder if this woman isn’t just crazy. In which case, it’s one thing to tell a crazy person with whom you expect a one-time, never again interaction to @#$% off, it’s something else to have to deal with the crazy *where you live*.
It sounds like the OP has very little in the way of emotional energy to deal with more confrontation. Whereas the difficult neighbor basically sounds like a messed up, bitter loser who has no prospects, no future, and plenty of time to make the OP’s life miserable. Which gives the difficult neighbor the upper hand, unfortunately. She’s also sussed out that the landlord has a slumlord attitude and won’t do anything about it, so she knows how to push into the grey areas.
Given that the OP has bigger fish to fry (unemployment), seems to have little emotional energy to cope with an extended battle, and could potentially face more complications than makes a “victory” worth it*, she should avoid.
*Worth it, by my lights, would be an eviction of this crappy neighbor. And realistically, even if the landlord did his or her homework and had all the paperwork together to evict, it takes forever in many states, so even if that were to happen, it’d likely not happen before the OP’s lease is up anyways. Which makes it not worth the aggravation.
Brant
Depends on your industry. You swap sneakers for loafers or flats and add a blazer if you want to stick with jeans.
I travel in ponte dresses, cardigan and leggings/tights and flats because it feels like pajamas to me–I’m much more comfortable in that than I’d be in jeans and a blazer.
Avodah
Hmmm, I usually wear jeans, cords or khakis (depends on weather), an Oxford button down, cable knit sweater (cotton or wool, depends on weather) and a blazer (again, weather), comfy socks and loafers (easily removed at security). I also bring super warm socks for the plane. I am *always* freezing cold, and I change into warm socks on the plane. Don’t care if it looks weird. I’m cold, darn it.
Basically, I try to layer and be comfortable.
Lady Harriet
I refuse to travel in skirts anymore because they guarantee me an invasive pat-down by the TSA. I wear skirts at least 90% of the rest of the time, and they really are much more comfortable to travel in, but it’s just not worth it to me. Perhaps a shorter or tighter skirt might not get you patted-down, but that also eliminates a lot of the comfort factor.
NWanalyst
I love skirts for flying, but it’s become clear that wearing a skirt is an invitation for the TSA to grope me. That said, the jury’s still out on whether I care enough about this to track down pants that are a) comfortable, b) respectable, and c) the appropriate length for my tall, tall self. At the moment, my pants collection consists of one pair of work trousers and one pair of jeans. Neither would work well for flying.
Anonymous
Interesting. I wore a slightly-above-knee A-line skirt a few months ago, and as it was my first time wearing a skirt on a flight since I started opting for the patdown, I was a little curious how that would go. It was surprisingly easy–just put one leg forward, then the other. No reaching up the skirt.
I now have TSA pre-check and can hopefully avoid the scanners (and therefore patdown opt-out) at most airports now, but I actually never had a problem with the patdown itself being invasive. The worst part was the wait for a screener because there was never an available female.
Sierra
So nice to know about the skirt! I always wear pants because I always opt-out and wasn’t sure how a skirt would go over.
Yeah waiting for a female TSA employee can take forever….
Veronique
So nice to know about the skirt! I always wear pants because I always opt-out and wasn’t sure how a skirt would go over.
Yeah waiting for a female TSA employee can take forever….
Stephanie
My travel uniform is skinny jeans, white tshirt, knit blazer, flats, and a scarf. It’s not work attire, but I can go pretty much anywhere in that, and god knows it’s 90000 times dressier than what most people in any given airport are wearing (i.e., pajamas and flip flops, carrying a pillow pet). If it’s cold or rainy I would change to straight/slim bootcut jeans and ankle boots, or knee high pull on boots with leggings/skinny jeans.
St. John
I really want to like St. John, but I cannot see myself pulling this or other St. John pieces off (40s, 5-4, skinny but still a pear). Some of the clothes in the ads are lovely. And I could really get in to things that don’t wrinkle. My city has both a St. John boutique and some in-store boutiques, all at the same mall (so someone is buying).
In DC I saw a lot of St. John, but in my new city, it’s not the law types who are buying it (who then?).
MD
I’m in my early 40s, and more and more, I feel like I’m in a fashion no-man’s-land, where I have to be very careful not to wear certain styles and brands that will age me. The featured dress today is one, because of the color– I think it would make me look older than I am. The more conservative styling of St. Johns appeals to me, but I’ve avoided it because I don’t want to look frumpy. I feel like younger women can pull it off; and older women look fantastic and appropriate. Women my age? Frump danger zone.
Terry
I (30s and pear-shaped) have a St. John dress very similar to the above (wonder if it was the version for an earlier year). It gets a lot of play (with a belt) in dressier non-work situations; I’ve worn it on dates and to dinner with friends. I’m 5’7″ and it’s dress is too short on me to wear to work, but I could see it flying in a more casual office, if there were 2-3 extra inches on on hem. Honestly, it’s extremely comfortable – like wearing a giant sock over my body.
St. John
The sock thing has me curious.
In the picture, I think I see hip bones and the suggestion of what the model’s bottom is like (good for her — I’m not sure the works is ready for that from me).
I think I need a sock with some structure and maybe a fabric that has enough body to it that the lumpy-squishies are glided over and not draped in a way that displays them to the outside world.
And I say this as a frequent Talbot’s wearer — they can do structured things in a wool fabric (lined — yay) or a heavy ponte knit with seaming and I can wear them. Other things: What Not To Wear needs to find me STAT.
Terry
Hmm.. I see what you mean about the fit on the model. To be honest, my dress was second hand (from my mother) and it’s possible she had it reblocked (explained to me as stretching knits out strategically). Also, mine is St. John Sport, which may have a different fit, more flattering to us pears.
ss
Issey Miyake might work for you – the pleats don’t wrinkle, work for all body types, are hand-washable and whatever impression folks may pick up from them (intellectual, zen, gallery-owner), frumpy isn’t one of them. The main collection (called ‘Fete’ I think) always has jackets in professional colours which are great with more conventional tailored trousers and cost will be south of St. John’s.
Bonnie
I love the dress together with the jacket. On its own, the dress is kind of plain.
Susedna
This dress by itself looks like a bad cross between a cheap tube dress and a men’s white v-neck undershirt. It seems to have the worst traits of both.
Too body-con (like tube dress) to be that comfortable, and too plain and schlumpy (like a men’s v-neck undershirt.)
Veronique
I’m going to be in Phoenix this week. Any recommendations for places to eat, things to do, etc?
St. John
Are you going to be downtown or somewhere else? And you will have a car, yes? And how much free time?
CAN YOU RENT A CONVERTIBLE?
Veronique
I’ll be staying at the Biltmore and will only have a car for part of the time.
Anon
Zinburger, which is near the Biltmore, has hands down the best burgers I have EVER had, as well as amazing shakes (the bananas foster shake is my favorite). It is not to be missed. In fact, it’s so good that when I lived in Phoenix, my parents would construct reasons to come out to visit me from LA just so that we could go to Zinburger. Phoenix generally has amazing food, actually–especially the awesome little bruschetta and wine bars, like Postino.
If you have time, the Musical Instrument Museum in north Scottsdale is incredible.
Sierra
Second the MIM!
If you hike, there’s lotsa good hiking near there.
PHX
@St. John — are you in PHX? Meet up???
Rural Juror
The Botanical Gardens are lovely, if you like that kind of thing! There are also a few short and easy (but beautiful) hikes nearby (Papago Park).
oil in houston
second the botanical gardens! lovely place
PHX
Cowboy Ciao in Old Town Scottsdale. Best food ever. Also, it’s very close to a Nordstom (if you don’t have one near you at home).
St. John
OTS is also a good place to ditch the car and wander around. Second Desert Botanical Garden. If you have a convertible and some time prior to sunset, I’d head east out of town towards the Superstitions / Florence and see some of the desert; then if you can head back towards PHX, the sunset will fill up the sky (especially true in a convertible). It is remarkable, especially if you come from the East Coast where you just can’t see things like that. It even works if you are coming down from somewhere higher up.
I am a Tee Pee Tap Room fan.
[So, @ PHX: not local to you. Sadly. In my next life!]
lucy stone
I’ll be in the Twin Cities this weekend and plan on bar-hopping with some friends Saturday night. It’s been a few years since I lived in the Cities – what are the cool kids wearing to bars these days?
Mpls
Skinny jeans and boots? To be honest, I haven’t been out much myself – but the jeans/boots will probably work most places. It’s finally gotten a bit chilly, so you’ll be seasonally appropriate.
Just remember that Uptown is hipster-ville, in case you wanted to blend in (or not).
lucy stone
Thanks for the response, I was hoping you’d chime in! I’m glad to know Uptown hasn’t changed.
Also in Academia
Looking for some advice from the hive here. I am getting a new supervisor in a couple of weeks. I was the other finalist for the position, so this is a bitter pill to swallow . . . but I’m working on getting over that. This is my first new supervisor in about 8 years . . . any good advice to getting off to a great start? For context — I’m an upper-mid-level administrator and my new supervisor will be just slightly more “upper” than I am, and we have the same educational background and experience, she just has more experience than I. She’ll be supervising my office and about 4 others, most of which have significantly large problems that she’ll need to be addressing. I am hoping she’ll be directing her energies there and offering me benign neglect, but that is probably too much to ask for. Any and all advice appreciated . . . I’d like to set up a relationship that offers me some mentoring and growth opportunities and ensures that she will consistently advocate for my office’s needs for funding and personnel.
snowy
Ask how she likes to be kept updated – cc’d (or bcc’d) on all emails? in-person chats before all contacts w/ external groups/vendors? IM’s constantly over the course of the day to keep her informed of your every move? This is what my current supervisor expects.
I came from the total opposite situation (my previous manager basically never wanted to be notified unless something was wrong; I met with her 1x week to update her on all my projects) and never asked him what his expectations were as far as updates- this lead to some tension early on when I didn’t cc him or started executing protocols without his explicit blessing.
Basically don’t assume how much or how little someone wants to be in the loop, or how proactive they are at searching out something (the protocols in the example I just gave were available for my boss to review on a shared drive, but he prefers that I send them directly so he doesn’t have to search around – total contrast to my previous manager who didn’t like extraneous emails in her inbox and would proactively search out info she wanted to verify).
Susedna
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2013/10/13/business/women-corner-office.html?src=me&ref=general
I thought this was a good set of interviews with 4 dynamic, high-achieving women. I particularly liked Amy Schulman’s comments.
NOLA
Definitely want to spend time with this more later when I have time, but thanks for shariing. What Doreen Lorenzo said resonated more with me – about collaboration and minimizing skills. Even my Dad was guilty of this! He thought that because I was a musician and studying music and art history that I was “creative” and therefore didn’t have the analytical skills. What he didn’t understand is that I’m not that creative Idea person at all! I’m an analytical get-things-done kind of person. And Marjorie Kaplan’s thoughts about avoiding conflict. I worked under two women who avoided conflict at all cost. I am not that way and I felt it got in the way of moving things forward. With restraint, of course!
Susedna
Agree w.r.t. conflict.
I think it’s sad that so many women have been socialized to think: “conflict = aggression = BAD!”
There is such a thing as healthy conflict. Conflict is natural and it occurs when ideas don’t entirely mesh well. I view conflict as merely one type of interaction or conversation — it can be handled well, or poorly. Further, aggression isn’t always bad, or the wrong answer. If used judiciously, it can bring chaos back to order and shut down idiot ideas that will derail everybody.
St. John
I wonder about this stuff all the time. In the NE, they have girls schools (K-12) and where I live now it’s all co-ed. I wonder if something like a girls-only summer camp might not be a bad thing for those of us with daughters.
FWIW, I felt like being in a sorority was the only time I was exposed to an all-female environment (my president is an Army major now) and really felt like I did learn a lot of leadership skills there. My sister went to an all female college, but towards the MRS-degree end of the spectrum (not that those aren’t good also, but my tuition $ can probably just scrape by with paying for State U).
NbyNW
Yep. I was raised to believe that conflict was bad and that only nice girls got ahead. Doesn’t work too well.
Avodah
Short story about this:
At my last job, I was called into HR for being “rude” to a fellow admin. (I was in a hurry, I quickly told her “no” on the phone and hung up. A rare, rare occasion, but I was *slammed*). HR gave me a talking to. I said to HR, “If I had a dollar for every time an analyst was rude to me I would not be working here.” (Probably not the smartest, but ok…) To which HR said, “Well, you’re just going to have to be the bigger person.”
Really? Really?? Other people can be as nasty as they want, and it is my job to just turn the other cheek? Doesn’t sound too constructive.
Avodah
@ Susedna this kind of touches on our short thread from a few weeks ago. I wish there was more talk about politely disagreeing, firmly standing up for yourself and/or your team and shutting down bullies or unproductive trouble-makers. Instead, we place a huge emphasis on “nice”. Well, sometimes being nice just isn’t too helpful.
Susedna
Hey Avodah!
Yes, you’re right — there is a huge emphasis on “nice,” and I thought one of the women in the NYT interviews touched on it nicely. She mentioned that men can, after disagreeing a lot and vociferously in a meeting, go happily share beers later on, whereas women view it as a personal affront/attack.
I see in that example how conflict-avoidant-behaviors pushed down on women hurt us in two ways:
(1) if a workplace bully is applying pressure on us, we’re less likely to stand up to him or her and shut it down. I was particularly troubled by various accounts on this site of senior people who purposely hired young women to bully.
(2) women being unnecessarily alienated from each other because they can’t separate “I really don’t think your idea is good for this company’s financial wellbeing,” from “I hate your guts.” The two ideas are not the same, and yet, the nice-police doesn’t allow strong dissent against really bad ideas.
Flip Side
There is a flip side to this: those of us who (somehow) escaped being programmed to be nice DO stand up against bullies/for others/for our ideas in the workplace. And then what happens to us? We get labeled “difficult” or “b*%ch” or “not nice” and shut out of many professional opportunities.
Dr. L
Yes – this is my experience.
I even had the men “gang up” against me and lock me out in one department when I brought up errors — errors which were life threatening and damaging to patients. Two important situations, well separated in time, that even made my direct boss angry and he supported me. But the men criticized did not…. Retaliation was subtle, but damaging. Taken off email lists, calls/emails not returned. Lots of wasted time, difficulty getting information….. but all very subtle and difficult to “complain” about without sounding like a petty schoolgirl. The women in that department were oblivious and tried to support me, but there were only 2 out of 30.
I sadly learned that I cannot bring up any errors or even strong/difficult questions to anyone unless they are lower then me in rank. I can be open with the women, but not the men. It is so utterly disillusioning…
Susedna
Absolutely this is a problem.
I see one solution as — more women need to speak up and stand tough against bullies. If say, 3 out of 100 women stand up for themselves, then it’s viewed as an anomalous behavior and then these 3 get labeled as “b@#ches”. If 40 women out of 100 women stand up for themselves, it’s less anomalous.
A pal from my old IB days told me that she saw a huge divide amongst her relatives in terms of how they wore their success and how directly they’d confront bullies. She’s African-American, and she noted that the older relatives would be shy, and hide their success around most whites, for fear of being labeled “uppity blacks,” and then treated very badly. She noted that amongst her age-peers, being open about one’s success in front of whites and not taking racist crap was much more common and celebrated.
She and I wryly noted that as many obstacles were still in front of the African-American community, we were still waiting for women to surmount these obstacles (uppity, b*tchy nice-policing.)
Susedna
@ Dr. L.
This is why I have absolutely zero respect for Larry Summers when he said posited (1) that women weren’t advancing in STEM because they lacked the extreme brilliance that men had and
(2) he thought all the social obstacles against women being better represented and being more successful in STEM fields had already been removed by policy and societal changes.
If he had not been purposely wearing blinders, or blinded by his unearned privilege (in this case, not having to face all these obstacles because he had the fortune to be born white and male), he might have seen the problems with (#2) more clearly.
Avodah
Sry, meant to post my short story here:
Short story about this:
At my last job, I was called into HR for being “rude” to a fellow admin. (I was in a hurry, I quickly told her “no” on the phone and hung up. A rare, rare occasion, but I was *slammed*). HR gave me a talking to. I said to HR, “If I had a dollar for every time an analyst was rude to me I would not be working here.” (Probably not the smartest, but ok…) To which HR said, “Well, you’re just going to have to be the bigger person.”
Really? Really?? Other people can be as nasty as they want, and it is my job to just turn the other cheek? Doesn’t sound too constructive.
Ellen
Yay! A short week for me! There is no court today b/c of the Holiday, and later in the week, I am off with the releative’s from Budapest. And, they have reopened the Statute of Liberty so I can take them both there! DOUBEL YAY!
As for Susedna, the OP, I also read the articel in the NY Times Business Section yesterday, and I think that in a few year’s I could be like Amy Schulman, General Council of Pfiezer. She sounded VERY intelligent and knowelgegeable about alot of thing’s and I think we ALL have to lean in whenever we get the chance. When I told that to FRANK, he also leaned in but just to sneak a peek at my boobies. FOOEY on him! Talk about takeing a cheap look!
That is why I do NOT wear vneck’s like the one Cat posted today. This one is also NOT to fruegel either! DOUBEL FOOEY! I talked to Grandma Leyeh, and she said that I could miss her dinner, if I have to to go with Willem, but she was LEERY of the name Willem, and said I should NOT mention the name to our relative’s b/c it sounds to much like Vilhelm (which has World War II impleacation’s for them). So I will NOT, but I assured Grandma Leyeh that Willem is onley 40 and to young to have been in World War II. She agreed. YAY!!!
ss
I do wonder about the usefulness of seeing success in the business world through lens tinted by ‘women’s issues’*. I’ve been on the receiving and giving end of a lot of mentoring and career hand-holding over the years, involving men and women, and my own observation is that the advice and useful action by a mentor is very frequently gender-neutral, especially once we are talking about middle managers and up.
Whereas many of the issues raised seem at best stylistic to me (sitting at the head of the table or not, frequently speaking up or not), if not downright distracting. A big revenue-hitter can sit at the bottom of the table and listen more than she talks, without any loss of authority.
* I do make the exception for child-bearing and -raising. That’s a material issue which is not gender-neutral in its career impact !
ss
It also occurs to me that there are more women in business leadership positions in some countries which are more socially conservative than the US but also more progressive in terms of women’s access to childcare, even if by fairly old-fashioned means (extended families, inexpensive domestic help). Just to speak of the industry I’m familiar with, there are female CEO’s of major banks in India and Thailand, and I think Malaysia has had a female central banker for many years. And the global banks I’ve worked for have always had greater gender diversification in Asia than ‘at home’, including at MD level.
I don’t think there’s a simple answer to ‘leaning in’ vs. addressing childcare but the former on its own certainly isn’t the entire solution.
Susedna
SS, I hear ya on how a lot of these discussions get very fixated on ‘style,’ but others have posted that style can either make things easier or cause problems. It shouldn’t be downplayed, although it’s certainly not the only thing. It matters when women are being evaluated on their personal manner and likely being unfairly dinged one way or the other.
Nobody is saying that results-focused behavior is unimportant. But when women who produce good results for the company or organization are being routinely sidelined or stonewalled, it does suggest that the kingmakers are reacting poorly to her style. I don’t think these women should suddenly pretend to be doormats, as they’d only then be dinged for being ineffective. The only real solutions I see require change from within and without— more women need to stand up for themselves, so it becomes part of expected behavior, not this shocking b@#ch behavior that draws retribution. Also, men AND women both need to stop viewing strong women as b@#$ches.
picture frame repair - NYC
This may be a shot in the dark, but does anyone have experience having old frames repaired? I’ve inherited a bunch of paintings brought over from Europe and painted in the late 1800s and early 1900s, and their frames are beautiful but falling apart. I would love to have them fixed if possible. I am in NYC. Thanks!
Dr. L
Absolutely. Look online under art restoration. You may need to call a few places and often skills are specialized. It can be very pricey for quality work. In some situations, you may decide that the restoration is not worth it unless the frame adds additional value to the painting.
Help pick our next book club book
Thanks for the book club advice! We had a fantastic time discussing Lean In and socializing. Any recommendations for our next book? Looking not just for a great book but one that will generate a LOT of discussion. We are pretty open in terms of genre. The group consists of smart, overachiever type of women – mostly doctors and lawyers – who love to read (and talk :)).
Miss Behaved
Try The Circle by Dave Eggers. It really makes you think about where you personally draw the line.
Susedna
I just finished:
“Hello, He Lied — and Other Tales from the Hollywood Trenches” by Lynda Obst.
Memoirs about how the author became a producer. (She produced movies like “Contact,” “Flashdance,” “Sleepless in Seattle”, etc.) Some really funny stuff about how wacky the movie business is, but also, great tips about careers and power.
One of the funniest anecdotes was about her pulling her powerful boss into a meeting, where it devolved into such a sh!tshow that he slipped out and exited the building. He later told her this valuable piece of advice, “never go to a meeting without an agenda of what you want to accomplish.”
mascot
So thanks to someone on thissite, I read “Tell the Wolves I’m Home” on Friday night (quick read that was hard to put down). I think you could get some good spin-off discussions from this book.
Anne
That was me!! Glad you liked it.
Jules
It’s been out for several years now, but my book club got TONS of discussion out of Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent. It’s about a woman who basically spent a year disguised as a man. There are funny moments but also lots of very interesting questions raised about personal identity, gender in society and the like. We also liked Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, which is fiction but has some similar issues. (And also lots of fascinating social history.)
book clubber
My book club is reading Brain on Fire right now (my pick) and several of the ladies have contacted me specifically to say they are loving it and can’t wait to talk about it.
Editrix
The Lowland by Jhumpa Lahiri is a closeup look at family interactions with emphasis on three generations of women, one of whom makes unusual choices in her family and career.
k-padi
Not a book club book, but I super-enjoyed Nora Robert’s Brides Quartet on vacation.
My first day of work is today! I am a spinning mixture of emotion…
Mpls
Wait – what was the 4th? I thought there were only three. If not, I have a series to finish!
Anne
Happy ever after – Parker’s story.
Mpls
Oh, that’s right. I did read them all. Phew.
Anne
Check out the “fans of thissite” Goodreads group? There is a bookshelf list on there, as well as a thread for book club recommendation.
Diane Lockhart
I am reporting this from the weekend thread in the hopes that some UK folks who may have missed it have some comments.
I just found out that I will most likely be going on a business development trip to London the week of November 10th and we will be meeting with underwriters and commercial insurance claims folks. I am a commercial litigator and will be accompanying my partner who works extensively with Lloyd’s underwriters on major complex commercial and maritime claims matters and litigation. Yay! — I have been trying to get this to happen for quite some time now!
Does anyone here have any ideas on the dress code in this situation for women? I normally would wear a conservative pants suit for client meetings. I really don’t have many skirt suits, although this weekend I did pick up a jCr*w wool suiting dress (Emmaleigh) in black that I can wear under different jackets. Great sale — down from $149 to $97.
What will the weather likely be in terms of needing outerwear and boots? (I live in Southern California). More specifically, will I be warm enough with a trench coat or raincoat? Or do I need something warmer? Is a long coat better than a shorter trench?
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Cb
No suggestion on dress code (I’m in academia, I’m lucky if people match) but I’d bundle up a bit. I keep reading these scare stories about the winter to come and they are expecting snow in Scotland at the end of the month. An advantage of being on fieldwork, it’s slightly warmer, and there are frites to keep me warm). London should be warmer though, and public transport is always boiling,
Enjoy London, I wouldn’t want to live there but it is a cool city to visit.
Calibrachoa
Gloves are your friend. Gloves, a hat and a scarf.
k-padi
I was in London in March for an IP law conference. I wore my super-lawyer suit and was overdressed. If your industry is anything like law, I’d go with slacks and a structured (but not matching) jacket.
Woods-comma-Elle
This is not a bad idea, though shipping can be a bit more conservative than IP. Generally it is really quite casual and wearing separates will be absolutely fine, too.
Woods-comma-Elle
Hey, saw your response on this just now on the weekend thread, but thought best to reply here.
A lined trench may not be that warm, though may be better in terms of being waterproof and you can always layer. If you are not going to spend a long time outside, then a coat you already have should be fine.
Definitely gloves and hat and scarf – it is hard to say how cold it will be then, so layers are your friend. Ultimately, coming from SoCal you will be cold no matter what you do, so be prepared to wrap up.
Though seconded that public transport is hot at any time of year.
anonfish
I work in complex commercial insurance and I would say that your typical meeting suits should be appropriate. Unless there’s something UK/Lloyds’ specific that I don’t know, I don’t see why you couldn’t wear pants.
Pandora's box
I was in Nordstrom this weekend and for the first time I noticed some St. John pieces, great quality but also pricey. Now for the TJ: So just yesterday I learned of some pretty big family secrets. One of the major ones being that my parents’ marriage was precipitated by my birth. That on the day I was born my mother didn’t even know her in-laws and was actually thinking of raising me on her own–she had reservations about the relationship. But eventually my parents got married and it seems like it was mainly at my maternal grandmother’s insistence. Long story short–my parents’ marriage has been problematic, I won’t go into details but the issues were clear to me from an early age and have gotten worse over time. I spent a big part of last year and the 1st half of this year seeing a therapist about some of this stuff. But this new revelation is a new low. There were others too, it’s like pandora’s box has been opened and it sucks. I feel sad especially for my mum–even though she insists she is fine and never thought of leaving because she was sparing us the trauma of being told we are from a “broken home”. It’s almost absurd because my siblings and I all know that they are married but it’s not been a happy relationship. I now realise that some of this stuff has affected my romantic relationships as well. My own relationship with my boyfriend of many years is seriously faltering and I’ve been trying to deal with that too. It’s been a rough year–and it’s not getting any better yet. Writing this because I need to vent. I don’t how I will ever come to terms with all this.
Sunshine?
Some people believe that “sunshine is the best disinfectant” and that until you get all of the history (good and bad) out on the table, you can’t start working on your life. Does it provide you any solace to know that you are making good progress in that sense? From my perspective, you are already ahead of the curve because you know that a long marriage isn’t the same thing as a good marriage and you are working on your own relationship. I know it’s not easy, but I am impressed by your hard work.
roses
The only part of this that you can control (to at least some extent) is your relationship with your boyfriend. There’s nothing you can do about your parents’ marriage. But unfortunately, often how our parents interact with one another becomes our “default” mode of interacting with our significant others, even if we can objectively identify flaws in that behavior. So take some time to think objectively about how your parents interact with one another and what kinds of behaviors they exhibit that you don’t think are healthy. Then, reflect on whether you are exhibiting those same behaviors, and whether those are causing some of tension in your own relationship. If you’re struggling to figure out alternatives to this kind of default mode, I’d suggest seeing a counselor to work through that. Your boyfriend can also help if he’s willing – he can say a code word if you are engaging in behaviors that you’re trying to change to put you on alert, and the two of you can brainstorm ways to engage in healthier ways of interacting with each other.
Sorry you’re dealing with all of this, but remember that it is very common for our parents’ relationship to affect us, so you’re not alone. But change can happen.
Platinomad
When I was 16, my mother drunkenly told me that my parents had gotten married because they were pregnant with me. I know this is something that can cause a lot of confusing thoughts.. and make you wonder what might have been in their lives as well as yours. Its something I have been able to put behind me, and I think the key is getting some emotional distance for yourself between your life and your parents life. You do not have to be a continuation of them, and you seem to be taking the right steps to move in this direction. Our parents have made their decisions, and we are free to make ours.
anon
I love this: http://www.jcrew.com/browse/single_product_detail.jsp?PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524441820529&FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302049422&nav_type=PRMNAV&bmUID=k6IxW5M
But it’s dry clean only. Which in my world–means that it would never get washed (gross, I know, but I’m just being honest). Can anyone point me to any similar long sleeved cotton (or at least machine washable) cardigans?
Bonnie
Merino wool is machine washable. Just wash on delicate with a gentle detergent and dry flat. If you don’t want to risk it, this one is machine washable and 40% off today: http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=51420&vid=1&pid=686373012
Anon
I have a few JCrew merino sweaters (tippi) and they all shrunk slightly when I machine washed them (cold delicate) and dried flat. Just FYI. They aren’t unwearable, but I’m only comfortable wearing them to work under blazers now. Sadness.
KC
Are you sure it’s dry clean only? I take “dry clean” to mean, dry cleaning is recommended, but optional. I would likely wash this on a delicate cycle and hang-dry. That’s what I do for most of my sweaters.
Mpls
It is most definitely not dry clean only – Jcrew puts that on everything, whether it needs it or not. It’s hand wash (or machine wash gentle), dry flat. You may need to stretch/reshape it while wet to avoid a little bit of shrinkage, but otherwise it’ll be fine (or at least it has been with the other merino wool sweaters I have from Jcrew).
I swear, it’s ridiculous. They put dry clean only on a pair of cotton/spandex pants. Which are clearly machine wash cold, line dry.
zora
Maybe they have some kind of kick-back deal with all the dry cleaners? :o)
Calibrachoa
Or had a problem with people washing things willy-nilly and returning them baying for blood…
MH
Does anyone else use Dryel? I use it for most of my sweaters, and it does a good job of refreshing things.
MH
And, I have that sweater and it is really great. It’s one of my go-to cardigans, because it lies really flat and fitted when buttoned. It looks great with dresses.
zora
oooo, I never thought of that. I am SUPER tired of handwashing sweaters, etc. So, you use it for things like cashmere and even the medium heat hasn’t caused any shrinking or anything? Has anyone used it for suiting pieces? I would love to not have to go to the dry cleaners so often. ;oP
BOS to NY
Looking to book a last minute leg of a NE trip. Is it better to fly or take the train between Boston and NY? I’ll be travelling on a Friday night if that makes any difference. Thanks!
NYC
I would check prices. I am going next weekend and decided to fly up and train back (flights were cheaper than the train). But I have someone picking me up at the airport. You have to factor in transport to the airport ($$ and time).
Brant
I’ve done both, for work and for pleasure. Very often, the train can be faster. It can also be equally expensive depending on how high train tickets are, and how good a deal you can find on airfare. If your trip is in winter–and if you’re looking at flying from JFK– you will probably get delayed on the plane.
If you are looking at the acela (vs. the slow regional amtrak) I’d go with the train. While I don’t know where in NY you’ll be coming from, I assume it will be easier for you to get to Penn station than to LGA or JFK–and same in Boston. South Station is smack in the middle of the city versus having to come in from the airport.
Just don’t take the bus.
Pink
I was also weary about taking a bus, but I once took it at 730 and it I fell asleep within 10 min and woke up only because we slowed down to pull into South Station. For how little it costs, the trip is not that bad (depending on when you exit/enter NYC).
Brant
The reason I suggested OP should avoid the bus is because she is that she will undoubtedly hit rush hour traffic (basically any time after 2 leaving Boston on Friday, and I’d expect pockets of traffic all the way down 1-95 until 8pm or so; if she’s doing NY to BOS, traffic is equally horrific). It is certainly safe and cost effective, but it will take the most time and IMHO there is nothing worse than being on a crowded bus in traffic for 6+ hours. And since she was debating train vs plane, I figured cost wasn’t the deciding factor.
Woods-comma-Elle
I took the bus before the other way and it was fine until the last hour in Manhattan during which the bus moved about five blocks, but this was factored into the schedule and the bus still arrived relatively on time and only cost $10.
Killer Kitten Heels
I vote train – by the time you get into/out of the airport on either end, the flight isn’t really any shorter than if you took the Acela Express from Penn to South Station.
BOS to NY
Thanks all! I suspected getting from the airport to the city would negate the flight time, and that seems to be the conclusion. Appreciate it!
NYC
I missed Nonny’s post on Friday about flannel shirts. I just got one from Lands End and I LOVE it. I got the purple/green one. I can’t handle most of the trends right now, because they were in when I was 13 years old (painful time of life), but flannel shirts I can do again. So comfy.
NYC
This one: http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-long-sleeve-pattern-flannel-shirt/id_229866
Cb
Also, try the men’s department! I bought a paper denim cloth men’s one at TJ Maxx and it’s so much cozier than the women’s.
Susedna
OK, so I confess to being a makeup dunce. When people posted about BB creams, I had no idea what BB stood for, and I finally got off my lazy ‘riere and googled it.
Admit I was vaguely annoyed that “BB” looks vaguely pharmaceutical, possibly implying more efficacy than there is, when it just stands for Beauty Balm, blemish balm, beauty base, etc. and other vague blah-blah terms.
So, I pulled the trigger. Didn’t really want to make a huge investment (yup, I admit it – I’m cheapskate when it comes to most makeup.) Maybelline Dream Fresh BB Cream for $7.49 at Target . Not loving how small the tube was. $7.49 for 1 fl oz? Really??
I then found these two skeptical articles about BB creams:
http://greenbeautyteam.com/answers-advice/makeup/bb-creams-what-are-they-do-they-work-do-you-need-one/
And another by Janna Mandell’s “The Problem With BB Creams” at the Huffington Post (not including the link to avoid moderation.)
I avoided the L’oreal one because of spurious claims about how they magically change color to match your skintone (which had me ROFLMAO over the magical thinking and BS). But I will try the Maybelline BB cream tomorrow and report back as to what it looks like. Definitely feeling buyer’s remorse, but again, it was only $7.49.
Cb
I haven’t tried the drugstore brands but I love the Skin79 one from Korea.
Anonymous
Ok, so I actually have the L’Oreal one and I love it. What It means is that the bb cream comes out white, and then it reacts with your skin and turns to a color. It really does work. I think it must be the vitamin E in it, but my skin is so much prettier since using it.
Susedna
Hi, I don’t doubt that there is a change in color– that’s just the oxidation process.
But skin colors (even for people of the same ethnicity) can really vary, and the idea that the cream will match every single shade within that particular cream’s shade-range has no scientific basis. The oxidation will allow the cream to match *certain* shades within that shade-range, but not all.
It will work for some, as it has worked for you, so I’m glad you have a good experience with it!
Baconpancakes
I use that one! I actually like it a lot. I’m not sure why, but it definitely gives me smoother and nicer skin than regular foundation, but with coverage stronger than tinted moisturizers. It lasts for months for me, as long as I moisturize before I put it on.
Susedna
Do you have really good skin?
Mine is oily in places, dry in others, plus, I have these odd blemishes (hyperpigmentation) from scratches, or from the rare pimple. Ugh, I feel like a splotchy, greasy iguana writing this.
zora
well then I’m a splotchy, greasy iguana, too, so we can start a club!! ;o) you’re not alone, don’t be too hard on yourself, chica.
Baconpancakes
HA! I have pretty terrible skin that’s just now starting to be ok after sixteen years of horrifying breakouts. I use Grease Lightning moisturizer from LUSH, which is pricey but works great for skin that gets dry on the cheeks and oily everywhere else, and a pot lasts me upwards of eight months.
Regular foundation tends to make me break out, except for the “acne” ones, which make me dry out and then break out. I think part of the reason BB creams are ok for a larger range of skin colors is because the coverage is fairly light, so it doesn’t have to match perfectly, and will naturally blend with the skin color underneath by being a bit transparent.
Monday
Maybe tinted moisturizer will avoid setting off your BS-o-meter? I’ve been happy with Aveda and Stila, and both have SPF. Laura mercier’s gets a lot of good reviews too
emeralds
I tune out all of the ad-speak mumbo-jumbo, and would never expect some chemicals in a tube to magically do all the crap that the commercials say they do. My skepticism meter for beauty products has a hair trigger, what can I say.
With that said, I use the L’Oreal BB cream and really like it–I use it as a primer, and it really does smooth out my complexion under my standard face of makeup. I haven’t noticed any change in my skin since I started using it, for better or for worse. So for me it’s enough that it’s improving the longevity of my makeup, without scr*wing up my sensitive skin.
Susedna
Ah, this will reveal how much of a makeup newbie I am, but I was googling “primer” and “how to use makeup primer” to understand the above post.
OK. So tomorrow, my experiment will be: use the Maybelline BB cream as a sort of primer, and then apply a little bit of foundation (as per my usual routine) and see what happens.
Thanks all for the helpful hints and comments about BB creams and other products.
oil in houston
I wanted to thank you (in particular NOLA) for the advice for my New Orleans trip – we ended up going to Laura and Houmas plantations, both lovely in their own way, and had a great time :)
NOLA
You’re welcome! So glad you had a good trip. Just seeing this tonight. I was shopping in BR all day today.
I am a banana.
In case anyone cares, J to the Crew Factory is having a half off on everything sale right now.
I’ve bought the knock off Tippi from them before and picked up a few more – they are a little thinner than the regular version (I like that because I use them under blazers, but buyer beware).
Abby Lockhart
On some days when I run, I know I just don’t have it. When I’m smart, I just pack it in and plan to go back out the next day. Today, I feel that way at work. I just don’t have it. Think I should go home and come back fresh tomorrow. I’m all set with the working part; completely drained from the human-drama part that gets in the way. I feel like it has taken over the work part, and I have a lot of work to do. Is there a way to extract oneself from that part of office life?
Anon
Do you have a work from home option? My work allows that, and I always come back refreshed after a quiet afternoon away from the bickering that often surrounds me in the office. You don’t go into much detail on the drama–whether it’s coworker, boss, or both. Not sure if this applies but other ways I try to stay out of the fray:
* Minimize how much you have to depend on others for project completion. Although it’s not always possible, perhaps there is a way to divide group projects so you’re interaction with others and their infighting with one another is minimized.
* Cut naysayers off in advance. I often will have a meeting with folks to get their ideas (buy-in) to what I’m going to do anyway, just to avoid the peanut gallery comments later.
* Don’t be an easy place to land for the drama freaks. My office has someone who is always talking behind others backs, is really loud with any thought that comes into his mind and overlay shares his personal life, and is the first to perceive the worst in situations and others and will run off to tattle to management at the drop of a hat. I make a point of not letting him get me alone or lend a sympathetic ear. We correspond by email mostly. If he knows he has a willing (or more often, too polite to flee) listener he is a gazillion percent worse.
* Seek other options. So often I’ll see two people arguing against each other so viciously only to come up and suggest an alternative that is not even being considered. Can someone else do the task better/different/more timely, etc.? Can more time or money be thrown at a problem to ease the pressure? Is it even a task that needs to be done, or is there some other way to get the end result? It’s not always easy, but I think so often a lot of drama comes from folks feeling trapped with adhering to long-held processes or schedules that aren’t the only way. I can’t say I’m always great at coming in with suggestions, but I’m blessed with a boss who has this skill and I try really hard to emulate it.
Fauxliva Pope
Scandal/Olivia Pope TJ:
This past week’s episode (Guess who’s coming to dinner?) one of Olivia’s outfits was a dark sweater with a white pencil skirt. Does anyone who watches the show know who makes that sweater? Research on the interwebs revealed that the stylist points to Ralph Lauren and more than one blogger incorrectly says it’s a tie front top. But the top the actress wore has no ties. It has a cross pleat detail at the neckline. I need that sweater!!!!