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Weekend Open Thread: Staud

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I mentioned this Staud bag yesterday when rounding up the ShopBop portion of the Amazon Prime sale, and it's still on my mind…

TL;DR: if you have a Prime account, you can get 25% off at Shopbop when you link your account. What was interesting to me is that it seems to work on top of existing markdowns like this Staud bag.

The bag was $350, was then marked to $245, and comes down another 25% off in the cart if you link your accounts and use the code. That might be on the pricier side for a mostly nylon bag, but I've never been mad about a lightweight and stylish bag.

Other good brands I'm seeing in the ShopBop/Prime sale: A.L.C., Aeyde, Alex Mill, Alice & Olivia, Anine Bing, Barefoot Dreams, Beyond Yoga, Birkenstock, Black Halo, Clare V., Cult Gaia, Farm Rio, Ferragamo, Frank & Eileen, Jenni Kayne, La Ligne, Marine Layer, Nili Lotan, Printfresh (!), rag & bone, RAILS, STAUD, Stuart Weitzman, Theory, TWP, Veronica Beard, Vince, White & Warren, Xirena, and Z-Supply.

Sales of note for 7/15:

138 Comments

  1. New Yorkers, what should I pack for a trip next week? I was thinking linen pants and ponte pants, a very lightweight jacket, sandals and sneakers. Or should I bring a pair of shoes/boots specifically for rain? What are you wearing these days?

    1. You never know what the wet ick on a city sidewalk is, so I avoid sandals or anything open-toe when I travel urban. Even without rain, people often hose down the front sidewalks each morning in the central business districts.

      1. I promise you that wearing sandals around is 100% normal city dweller behavior. You learn to keep an eye on both where you’re going and hazards on the pavement.

        There’s a reason that many of us are “shoes off at the door” households, but germs are not going to leap off the bottom of your Birks to attack you.

          1. my feet don’t get wet just from traversing damp pavement… maybe if you’re a very thwack-y flip flop wearer?

          2. I think with a thinner sole, you are just closer to the ground and also some ground crossing the street near the curb may dip down to where you are accidentally in a puddle? I have some open-toe slingbacks with a thin sole that I wouldn’t wear in the morning due to wet sidewalks or when it’s been rainy. But I think that something like Birk’s are the SUVs of shoes and you’d be fine in a sole like that. Or like a Sorel sandal or flatforms.

        2. I wear sandals wherever but my feet definitely get very dirty afterward. I was so grossed out when my sister didn’t shower or wash her feet after an entire day of walking in NYC and just got straight into bed with literally black soles.

    2. We seem to be stuck in a hot, muggy weather pattern, so if you’ll be outside much, dress for that and have a light layer to throw on top for air conditioning. It doesn’t look like we’ll have all-day rain next week, just pop-up thunderstorms which are usually pretty quick. That said, a lot of rain can happen quickly, so you’ll want shoes that can get wet in case you get caught in it.

      When I’m not working, I’m wearing a lot of sundresses, linen, cotton block print pants, and lightweight sneakers or chunky sandals.

    3. next week in this region is supposed to be disgusting – as in in the high 90s or 100 late in the week, muggy and stormy, aka survival mode. I cannot imagine wearing ponte outdoors.

      1. +1. It is supposed to get super hot next week. I would personally forego bringing long pants entirely, but YMMV.

    4. All I know is that the first time I went to NYC in the summer I brought only one outfit for each day and that wasn’t enough because I was sweating through my outfits in the unaccustomed heat and humidity. Plan on changing from the skin out at least once a day.

        1. After being in Europe during the heat wave, can confirm correct calculation for summer is …days x 3 + 2… to avoid being stressed.

    8. YMMV, but I rarely wear sneakers in the summer in NYC. My feet get too hot. Maybe summery canvas sneakers would be ok, but generally sandals work for everyday. I just wash my feet/take a shower before bed.

      And yes it’s going to be hot next week. Bring a wrap for air conditioning. I mainly live in sundresses and linen-like pants.

    9. I work in Chicago. Don’t expose your feet with sandals if you don’t have to. Most folks I know commute in sneakers to avoid grimy puddles and such. I once had toenail fungus that took drilling down the nail and regrowing—about a year and a half all told. Keep your feet clean and dry. It’s not worth it. This time of year I wear light fabric pants or dresses with slip shorts.

  2. Any recs for a c**ktail dress for a 40th HS reunion in a month, size 16 with short sleeves, ideally under $200?

    1. Do you know anything about the venue and time of day (i.e. more causual end of c**ktail, or more formal end?)? Happy to make some suggestions about where i’ve found good dresses (I’m in your size range), but would have different suggestions for a Saturday day-time event vs something more dressy.

    2. Yea. I have a visceral reaction to it. Unfortunately, due to my exact age, this style is forever dead to me.

  4. What do you say in the moment if someone makes a rude or snarky comment to you that you know stems from their own insecurity or feelings of inadequacy? I’m sympathetic to having those feelings (I’ve certainly had them myself) and it’s tempting to just let comments slide, but it’s happened enough where I feel that a conversation is warranted. Adjusting the details slightly because my SIL might read here but it’s basically at the level of me (a mother) saying I’m going to do a workout this weekend and her coming back with “it must be nice to have the time for that but I like being with my kids on the weekend.”

    1. If I have to keep seeing people for decades due to blood ties, I will absolutely not engage. I am the fricking rock. They are having a them problem and I do not want to become part of that at all. People know that Aunt Tessy has some issues. Don’t let them think that you do, too.

      1. This.

        Or, respond with a breezy deflection that undermines her point – “Ahh, that reminds me, we are taking the kids strawberry picking this weekend, and are so looking forward to it. Are you doing anything special?” But it’s probably best just to not engage.

      3. I’d gray rock also. She isn’t going to change just because you say something back. I’d probably go with “I hope you guys do something fun!” and move on.

        And good for you for getting a workout!

    2. With a SIL I would let it slide honestly. But with my mom who loves me and also is very needling and passive aggressive, I might say more. I don’t know if I should though! I might say something along the lines of “I’m lucky that I get to see my kids so much during the week” if I feel like the comment needs correcting. I’ve found that if I consistently respond with a positive framing, I’ve actually (after years) heard her start to frame the same things positively as well some of the time.

    3. Yes, it took a lot of intentional effort for your brother and I to schedule time for ourselves like this. So many of our peers become martyrs to their kids’ schedules. We don’t want either of us to burn out or slide into resentful mindsets because we don’t properly prioritize our own needs along with the kids’ needs. This certainly helps.

    4. I can think of all sorts of pithy responses like, 15 minutes later.

      You gain nothing by having A Conversation with her. If this is a text convo I would not respond, screenshot it, send it to my DH, and crack up abt her b!tchery. If in person I would probably say ‘yup! so what do you have planned’ and move the convo along.

      1. I’m the same way – I get so flustered when people say something really rude or unjustified. If I have my wits about me, I can usually manage to say something very noncommittal like, “I see” or “OK.” My favorite is maintaining eye contact and nodding slightly with a “hm.” But that’s only if I’m in the moot to listen to the rest of their rant for entertainment purposes.

        With my mom or certain other judgey relatives, I can sometimes manage to ask, “Mom, why did you say that? I’m doing my best here.”

    5. My SIL makes similar comments. I try to ignore, but just validating that it’s really annoying!

    6. So I’m going to go at this from a different angle, I suspect her husband isn’t a good father and she’s taking that out on you. She’s jealous your DH will actually step up on occasion. It would be helpful to know the blood relations.

    8. My SIL has said all kinds of nutty things to me over the years, including: “I would never shop at Amazon – they are too big and have terrible labor practices. I only buy from the Target that’s 2 blocks from my house.” “Your friend is a SAHM and also has a nanny? Does she consider herself a real mom?!?” “You are only paying your nanny $2 more per hour to watch a second kid? That seems wrong,” etc. etc. Lots of judgy comments on things that are frankly not her business. I don’t engage at all because I don’t want to spend my energy arguing about petty things just to prove a point. I think people who need to be right all the time and correct people’s views, etc. are just exhausting.

        2. Right. My first thought was “Is an extra $2 for an additional kid even remotely reasonable??!!”

          1. Yeah this is the somewhat common especially among bigger families in my fancy neighborhood. FWIW these women are often involved in the school and in various charities. Their husbands tend to have really demanding jobs and the kids have activities. It’s not as if they’re at the spa all day every day and the nanny does everything.
            It’s more like the nanny takes the older two to tennis when she’s at the younger one’s dance class. That said, theyre definitely not run ragged and exhausted like most working and sahm moms I know. They have time for self care, community service,
            exercise and strong friendships in addition motherhood. More power to them.

          2. Yes, we are talking about ultra wealthy families. This friend lives in Asia where having household help is extremely common if not expected for a certain class. She is absolutely a mom – she spends a ton of time with her kids and loves her kids more than anything in the world. How is it any different than sending your kids to school or daycare? I know plenty of moms in my affluent suburb who don’t work but send their kids to after school care for socialization (kid is an only child) or because the kids have fun there.

      3. Idk, having the ability to create a list of “nutty things” someone has said to you over a period of years also seems kinda judgy!

    9. I practice my super communicator skills on them. I’d ask them what they like to do with their kids and what inspired their latest activity.

      And then at night I psycho analyze them with my DH.

    10. I’m wondering if a comment like that could be met with “oh, what’s your favorite thing to do with them on the weekend?” Because it’s entirely possible she means that everyone is frazzled on school/work days, and weekends are the only days she and the kids actually enjoy each other.

      1. Yeah, I think I might read this more like she can’t get time with her kids during the week so she has to cram it all into the weekend.
        In other words, if theres a generous interpretation I think it might not cost you anything to assume that’s the right one.

        1. Yep, same. Like, I also like being with my kids more than I like working out on the weekend, but that’s because I’m lazy!

    11. People here recommend a lot of gray rocking, and I do the same for many, many relationships and interactions. But if it’s with someone with whom I want to maintain a deeper relationship and they would respond well, I do have a conversation. My default is to engage from a place of curiosity, very gentle confrontation, and I have to be open to the possibility that they will defensively hide or exhaustively explore their insecurity. To my own sister, I would say something like, “That sounded a bit judgey. Is something bothering you?”

      1. Honestly to my own sister I’d just “that’s a cool story” and we’d move on. No need to be gentle. A call out is fine.

    12. I wait an uncomfortable amount of time and ask them to repeat it. They don’t.

        2. How is calling someone on their rude comment toxic? If they’re brave enough to say it they should be brave enough to stand by it.

          1. You are overthinking this. It took zero amount of bravery to make that remark. They would just repeat themselves and also wonder if you have a hearing problem.

          2. Perceiving these comments as rude is immature, and “calling out” someone is just not at all how adults handle conflict.

    13. I’d want to say “I’m a better mom when I’m fit and healthy” but the wise thing is to smile and nod through gritted teeth with lips closed so she can’t see that…then move on. Don’t say “oh yeah you’re a great mom, I wish I could be more like you. What are your plans this weekend” unless you want more of the same (or to embarrass her which might make things worse).

    14. Why does this even bother you? At most I’d be like “lol, ok.” It honestly does not warrant any additional thought from you.

      1. +1. I wonder how some people here manage to wear clothes with such remarkably thin skin

  5. I am going to a girls’ weekend in Boston in July to celebrate my friend’s 50th bday. We are all middle aged lawyer moms who haven’t seen each other for awhile so it’s like a reunion. We are staying near Copley and plan to just walk around and catch-up and maybe pop into some stores just to browse.

    I would love some suggestions on places to eat or things to do. So far, I have afternoon tea at the Silver Dove. Any suggestions for a good local restaurant? Is it worth checking out Paul Revere’s House? She went to Harvard College so we probably won’t go to Cambridge, but everywhere else we can travel to by public transportation or an Uber is fair game.

    1. The Boston Museum of Fine Arts is great, especially their revolutionary-era collection.

    3. Duck Tours are surprisingly entertaining, well done and pretty brief – 90 minutes? I think it’s such a good way to kick off a weekend in Boston because you get to see it all, get a lay of the land and then you can easily decide if you want to go back to certain areas. I always recommend this to out of town visitors who are otherwise lax about their plans as it can help shape how you want to spend your time the rest of your visit.

      Apart from that, I personally say skip Paul Revere’s house. I do think the North End in general is great, Old North Church, Cafe Vittoria, the bakeries, etc. But I would not wait in a long line of tourists just to get in to the house. Wandering the neighborhood and walking by the front will give you plenty of experience, in my opinion.

      1. +1 – I always suggest the duck tour and people are always surprised by how enjoyable it is. If you have any interest in science/natural history, the Harvard museum is truly wonderful and the glass flowers are breathtaking.

        1. I was on a duck boat that had a crash with another car! I couldn’t see from where I was sitting who was at fault, and fortunately no one seemed injured, but the duck boat driver and the other driver did have an entertaining Boston-accented screaming match in the street.

    4. I’d arrange dinner at Mama Maria’s and pop into the Paul Revere house before hand, I don’t think it’ll take you more than 45 minutes max. I’d also prioritize Neptune Seafood (though they don’t take reservations, so either go early or at an odd time). Fanueil Hall is fun as a food hall experience but otherwise not really worth it. Skip the Seaport, it’s an outdoor mall for 20-somethings, though it can be the easiest place to get a reservation for a larger group.
      I prefer the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum to the Fine Arts Museum personally, but it’s your call. I think strolling down Newbury street is worthwhile – if you’re ok with a bit of a pricey breakfast I’d eat at Contessa at the top of the Newbury Street hotel, then walk down and window shop from there. I personally find Contessa wildly overrated for food, but it can be fun for a drink. If you’re up for a fancy experience I’d suggest drinks at the Blind Duck in the Raffles hotel. The spa there is also fantastic but my favorite massage in town is at Vidaya Thai Spa as long as you’re ok with intense pressure/lots of stretching while you’re nearly nude.

    5. In terms of easy grab and go food – I prefer Flour Bakery over Tatte, but both are all over the place and very reliable for fast breakfast/lunches/dinner. You can order ahead of time and set a pick up time which is super handy for busy days. Overall, the food in Boston isn’t at the level of NY, SF, or Chicago so I wouldn’t kill yourself trying to get into a fancy place, they’re generally not worth it.

    6. Thank you so much for all of these great suggestions! I have been on the duck tour before, but it was years ago. I will check out all of these great recos!

    7. Fenway? Even if teams aren’t playing, you can tour.

      You can rent kayaks in Allston and kayak along the Charles River.

      Ballet, play, opera at the theatre district.

    8. World Cup fever is in full force here in Boston. The last game played up here will be July 9, with the tournament running through July 17. Any place that has a TV will have a crowd.
      I thought the Silver Dove was pretty middle of the road. I like the Boston Public Library afternoon tea better.

    9. I’ll say the Paul Revere house is worth it! There was a line on the sidewalk but it moved quickly when we went last year. It’s interesting to understand the wealth of a comfortable craftsman, since they’re relatively rare in historic portrayals.

      The JFK library isn’t right there but is so powerful. Loved our visit.

    10. Neptune Oyster is great, though tiny and may be hard to get a table with a bigger group.
      Giacomo’s in the North End for Italian. Walk over to Mike’s Pastry after for cannolis.
      Friendly Toast for breakfast, if you’re staying by Copley ( you can get on a virtual queue on Yelp to cut down on the wait).
      Walk around/ shop in Beacon Hill.

  6. does anyone here have any familiarity with auditory processing disorder? i’m completely sure my autistic kid has it, but they keep telling me there isn’t anything to be done other than accommodations like an FM headset or whatever, which isn’t a problem at the moment because he’s in a super small school. but his daily life seems to constantly be a struggle to hear if there is any background noise, at all.

    1. I have an autistic kid and I feel that there is so much junk science out there. But I feel like this can be one thing that is real. This dating back 20+ years, but my mom taught at a very small private school for kids that regular school didn’t work for due to various things that were just starting to get noticed for kids of otherwise normal abilities to do OK in school (like reading, math, etc.). Something called “Orton-Gillingham Method” might be where to start looking for well-trained people who want your kid to do well with a structured 1:1 approach (via tutoring, I think). Avoid all of the “unschooling” people who seem to home-school their kids out of any ability to function in the larger world (we run into that all too often and my only goal is to let a kid who has some challenges thrive in the world so that she will be OK when she lives on her own after I am gone).

    2. Yup, my AuDHD kid has auditory processing disorder. It’s gotten better as he’s gotten older, but it can be very tough in school settings. What has helped most for us is written instructions so he can review at his own speed, ‘chunking’ directions into 1-2 things at a time max, and encouraging him to ask for clarification vs. saying ‘yea’ when you didn’t process what I was saying.

    3. I have a nephew with similar issues. He uses Flare earplugs, which sort of “calm” the noise coming in (rather than block it). They don’t help with processing, but might help shift what he has to process to be easier to deal with.

    4. If he can manage it, participating in a band or orchestra is really good brain training for picking apart noises in a lot of sound.

    5. I’m more familiar with trouble processing in a context of sensory sensitivity, but super small schools did help.

    6. My elder two children were diagnosed with this. It’s why they don’t hear you when you ask them to do something while the TV is on and it’s also why they have a meltdown in loud environments. My son can’t cope with jazz music.

      A quiet environment helps tremendously. Small classroom setting (no more than 12) allows them to access education. At home the TV is off. Now the kids are older I will play the radio. I’m very strict about one person speaking at a time and no shouting.

      It’s an annoying diagnosis because there isn’t much you can do. Same with oppositional defiance disorder. Give yourself breaks because parenting a special needs child is exhausting and relentless. It never ends. The ‘problem’ changes, never goes away.

      1. It never ends. Some things can make it worse though (deficiencies especially; I know there is junk science on this topic, but it’s not all junk).

    7. I have some version of this. Whenever I bring it up with my GP, ENT, or any other doctor they refer me to a hearing test and the audiologist says I have perfect hearing. Well yeah, when I’m sitting in a soundproof room with headphones on, intently listening for sounds. If I am anywhere else with normal background noise I can’t hear at all.

      One specialist suggested that I am too stressed from managing a job and children and if I had a glass of wine and just relaxed probably I could hear my children better. Another said that if I respected people more and “actually paid attention to them”, I would be able to hear. I promise I am not that stressed and I do actually pay attention to people. But if there is a fan on in the room, a furnace running or someone else talking – I just cannot hear/process what anyone is saying.

      I managed in school by reading all the directions I could and looking around for context clues. Now I work from home, which is great because there is no background noise from coworkers. I try to have an associate on all my calls to take notes for me since I miss quite a bit on the phone/zoom.

      I also cop to not being able to hear and politely ask people to look directly at me when speaking to me – this helps.

      1. I am very similar to you. When I am cooking in the kitchen and the TV is on and someone is talking to me I have asked them to repeat so many times. Or I have to ask them to talk to me from the same room so I can lip-read.
        Please let me know if you found anything that helps you.

    8. Check out resources on ASHA.org for parent education and a find-a-provider and you may want to explore a speech-language evaluation at your child’s school or at a private outpatient clinic. The SLP can work with you and your family to have tips and strategies to help.

  7. soooo tired today because i was up too late reading and nauseous because of a slightly higher dose of a GLP. winning!

  8. Heading to Breckenridge in late July (me, husband, 7 year old son). Any can’t miss places to hike, eat, or see?

    1. Take your time on days 1-2 to adjust to the altitude. There are so many hikes – start early and get off the mountains before 2p, as there is often a storm/rain/hail. On the mountainsides, the wildflowers will be in bloom and will be amazing.

      Look up the McCullough Gulch hike and see if it matches with everyone’s abilities – it has a lot of variety, and add in extra time for taking photos.

      See Isak Heartstone, maybe 10 minutes walk, it will charm all of you & is a great photo op.

      There is a pizza place in town with a couple of video games/entertainment that will work for you three, not quite an arcade, but enough to have a family Ms. Pac Man competition. Lots of breweries that cater to older tastes (I was there with tweens and twenty-somethings)

  9. I’ve been thinking about conversations here about building a village. I also, while waiting for a signature required delivery 😭😭😭, have been going down rabbit holes—articles and podcasts—about people trying to build their “village” and not succeeding. I just saw this substack (I was trying to avoid listening to the Search Engine podcast episode of “why doesn’t anyone come to my parties): https://stephanieharrison.substack.com/p/why-we-struggle-to-build-community

    And the author posits that when people feel overburdened they stop showing up. It reminded me of the small talk chat yesterday. I personally don’t mind being burdened by other people (the hard stuff) but hate hate hate the small talk (the easy stuff.) Maybe if small talk was less personal and more about village like stuff—the neighborhood, the fundraiser, the school drama, I’d like it more.

    Also I wonder if modern therapy encourages people to opt out of village building behavior for mental health purposes, and if it’s actually good advice. Anyone actually given real thought to this to build on to my bored meanderings?

    1. I would shift that time from the articles and podcasts about the village building not working out to scrolling my contacts for who I can reach out to or research where in my town/neighborhood might be a good place to meet people. Sure, this process might fail, but you’ll learn a lot in the meantime and you might meet some of your new favorite people!

    2. I’m not convinced I want a village, community, or tribe. I am happy to live in a city in a diverse urban civilization where a lot of things can get done, and a lot of connections succeed, without knowing people personally and getting on their good side, chatting them up first, sharing the same culture or religion, or even the same language. If this weren’t what I wanted, I could probably have a simpler, easier, and cheaper life in an actual village. As it is, a lot of the people I rely on and appreciate most aren’t people I have an opportunity to get to know (I am grateful for my power, my running water, my working internet, an awful lot of the food I eat, and generally the incredible comfort, ease, and convenience of my life). I don’t think I would be happier if I had to all access those things via unmediated relationships of mutuality vs. paying my bills and taxes.

      On the other hand, my experience with therapists is that they are inclined to give advice that isolates their patients or encourages them to break ties with people in their lives. My sense is that it makes things simpler to reduce variables, and they’re not thinking of the broader societal impact or even the long term mental health impact. They seem to think that troubled people are acutely fragile or that they’re detrimental to their communities, but that therapy can meet their needs anyway. But maybe they also view a lot of connections as representing a failure of individual independence?

      1. Your illustration of a village vs. a city is really extreme! I can’t tell if you’re being facetious, but the “village” that OP is talking about is not some remote, isolated culture that exists outside of modern life where no one has internet or pays for services with money (like, what?). It’s a built community specifically *within* these modern systems. We’re talking someone who will drive you to the airport instead of ordering an uber, or sit with you in grief when someone you love dies. Not like, eschewing modern life and returning to a trade economy in the bush lol.

        1. I meant that I think it’s great to rely on and live among strangers, and that these are connections too. The small town life where everyone knows everyone does still exist, and some people thrive in it. I also think taking things for granted sometimes makes people feel more lonely, isolated, or unsupported than just recognizing the people who make our lives possible (like that delivery person OP was waiting for). My experience has been that the strangers shopping at the same grocery store or taking the same bus step for each other in a pinch, and that is not a bad thing.

          But there really are people who advocate for extreme versions of mutuality. Maybe my perspective is skewed from aging and disability contexts where a lot of the unpaid caregiving work most often done by women is supposed to be okay again if we all just share the work enough, and where people’s needs when they ask for help are very needful, and people’s ability to reciprocate is very spotty. For someone who cannot drive anywhere at all, Uber is so much more reliable and so freeing compared to some kind of favor system (this is a shift a lot of people lived through when ride sharing introduced the option of getting some place without calling in a personal favor to a lot of places that never had taxis).

          1. But you can have a village in a city, too, and with people who are at one point strangers. That’s the beauty of it. I’m all for appreciating the people who make my life better than I may never actually know, but it’s also nice to have people you know by name who you can lean on when you need help.

            I don’t really like asking for help but am always happy to help others when I can and this week I just leaned in on the fact that I generally never mind being asked for help to ask for some myself when there were just too many things going on at once. It was nice to see that there were people I could go to!

            As to the therapist point, I don’t know if it’s most therapists so much as online culture but I generally agree that it’s ultimately not great advice.

          2. That is fair! I have always appreciated it when neighbors can rely on each other without necessarily being in the friends/family category that is usually where I would turn.

            I think I just wish people weren’t so frequently overextended to begin with, and that people weren’t so abandoned by safety nets that asking for help becomes a kind of fraught lifeline. But if it’s help of the “nice to have” kind, that’s more like enriching life.

    3. So personally I was the village for a lot of people I was there for every sick kid, divorce, move etc. Then my cat almost died, no one showed up for me, so I no longer show up for them. The one and only time I ask for reciprocity, I got nothing. I subsequently had a small wedding and started designing my life around me.

      1. I am so sorry your cat was unwell and that your friends didn’t show up when you needed support. Try telling them. Maybe they will regret their decision or realize that you really did need help. It might bring you closer to them in the long run.

    4. I think people got out of practice with it during Covid and got used to being able to craft a reply over time by text, so now sometimes feeling awkward IRL is uncomfortable and something to avoid. I know I got rusty. Better to get out there and start talking to people again. As for questions you don’t want to answer, you can also get better at redirecting. “How was your weekend” and you had a really boring one and don’t want to talk about it? Say ‘oh this one was lazy, but last weekend we tried restaurant X and really loved it! you been anywhere good lately?”

    5. I have been consciously working on building a community. Just starting small and introducing a couple of the people in my life to each other, and seeing who clicks. Each time we entertain I add a new couple and over time many of them have become comfortable hanging out together in various combinations. We now have three different couples with whom we do short trips. I think it’s really important to intentionally build those bonds so everyone feels less isolated.

    6. I fantasize about small town life where I know and am known by people around me, and we interact with each other as we go about our days. Like Stars Hollow, or the town I grew up in (and moved away from). In that dream, I don’t have a career, just a job that pays the bills.

    7. Yes, I moved to an eco village a year ago and it is nothing like the intentions.
      A supermarket donates unsold food and we were meant to distribute to people in need. Nup, hordes descend and keep for themselves.
      We are meant to mind each other’s kids but domestic violence issues means I don’t let mine in common areas without me.
      It’s incredibly ableist and the women in a wheelchair is constantly criticised for asking for things like a small rubber ramp for the community building (which is meant to be fully accessible) or people not to park their cars across the pavements.
      There’s a shared orchard but I’ve never seen anything come out of it, a cranky old bloke won’t let anyone else be involved.
      I truly regret it and it’s so much easier to pay for what you need.

    1. I don’t have that one but I have a different Cuyana wallet and it is really high quality leather and has held up well with light usage.

  11. I’m a single mom of 3. Summer is here. I’m tired. Work is busy and my home life is tough as my ex is acting up again.

    Ideas on how to handle the constant bombardment from the ex and busy workload while also doing it all on a very tight budget?

    1. I set my phone/work email to get notifications 2x daily. Hard stop. I am am an introvert, and that works really well for me

      as to the eX I don’t know if you’re communicating what you need or you are, but maybe he’s not responsive

      it in that case I suggest not speaking it, do it in actions.

      Barring an emergency with the kids (not a forgot their lunch etc) silence your notifications to give yourself the break you need.

      For a tight budget, free stuff to do abounds in most locales. Walks, Parks etc

    3. Single mom of only one, but with a demanding job and high conflict ex to co-parent with and have been through some tight times with finances. During COVID when there was no summer childcare I made a “camp” that included self-directed activities so I could focus on my work, and built in a few simple but fun things to do together. Add in trips to the library, local state parks, day road trip on weekends (not overnight, so no hotel cost, with picnics). Our Family Wizard or a similar co-parenting app for the ex. Grey rock/yellow rock methods and parallel parenting techniques help too. If you can provide more details (kids are toddlers? school age? teens?) could help with more ideas. Sending you good wishes, you’re dealing with a lot!

      1. Thank you for the suggestions.

        Kids are tweens and all 3 have ADD which they are heavily medicated for as well as other disabilities. Two children are officially classed as disabled. The one child who was struggling is finally reading independently. I have a sitter for mid week who is a RBT so more expensive but worth her weight in gold.

        I use OFW already and it has helped a lot. Phone calls are also recorded on the app. My attorney said at this stage it’s not money well spent to go back to the judge. Their advice is to ride it out as I’m 3 years off 18 for the eldest. I’m 8 years out for the youngest but as their needs are less my attorney said in 2-3 years they will most probably vote with their feet.

        I am not signing my kids up for activities because I can cover the cost of rec sports but my kids want to do theatre, robotics and dance. I’m doing all the Lincoln center theatre and dance programs for special needs. My parents purchased an annual membership for the math museum.

  13. dipping my toe in the tennis dress a leisure wear trend. is white or black less of a statement?

  14. Could I just get some perimenopause sympathy? I’m figuring out the right HRT dose, working with a dietitian and my GP, but the vertigo, sleep deprivation and figuring out what’s perimenopause, what’s the autoimmune disease and what is just stupid men is driving me up the wall.

    1. Hello. I hear you! Also going through this but found it more straightforward (after a horrendous time at the start). It strikes me that it’s highly unlikely men would put up with this situation, and I find it interesting that the rage I feel is perceived as a symptom of menopause rather than a dawning realisation of the absolute disadvantage being female puts a person at, unless they are willing to flirt.

      I adjusted my dose so that I felt more human, but still keep the rage. I feel like a born again feminist and love it.

      Hope this helps?

    2. I would bet that 50% is society/men, 45% is the autoimmune disease, and 5% is perimenopause. “Hormones” or feminine weakness is just a convenient way for society to blame women for not being able or willing to shoulder the evils it inflicts upon us.

      1. This framing discourages women from talking to their physicians about what can be very real, very significant symptoms. It also is weirdly infantilizing to women.

        1. The practice of dismissing women’s legitimate health concerns and exhaustion as “hormones” is what is infantilizing to women.

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