Coffee Break: Wally Boot
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Ooh: there are some of our favorite boots for work, the Staud Wally, on sale at Nordstrom. Admittedly, it’s not all colorways (and just the heeled options), but if you’re looking for a trendy boot that hits all the notes, do consider these.
They’re $495 new, but the pictured option is down to $371. The shorter heeled boot comes as low as $237.
Sales of note for 11/6:
- Nordstrom – Early Black Friday sale! Up to 25% off fashion + 15% off all fragrance
- Sephora – Savings Event! 10-20% off for members, and 30% off Sephora Collection
- Ann Taylor – 25% off your purchase, and $50 off $200
- Brooklinen – Surprise weekend sale, 20% off
- Electric Picks – 25% off
- J.Crew – 2400+ markdowns
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 20% on suiting and dresses! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Talbots – Enjoy 30% off your entire purchase
Wondering if the woman from yesterday afternoon who had the altercation with her husband in the house/bathroom would be willing to provide an update? I hope you are safe. I’ve been thinking about you a lot since I read your post.
I kept thinking about him sobbing… what I would do if my husband treated me like that and then broke down sobbing he was so upset with himself. I can see why women stay.
The man crying because he tormented his wife bothers you more than the wife who was cowering on the bathroom floor afraid he was going to hit her?
Classic DARVO
People are allowed to be remorseful and be forgiven. I don’t define people by the worst moments.
How are there so many abuse apologists? May you be picked.
how are there so many people willfully, spitefully misunderstanding people today?
I’m disgusted by it too. This is a place for women. At least it used to be.
Because people are complex and I’m not simple. But sure, pick me.
Calling someone a “pick me” is pretty nasty and abusive.
If I’m going to be married to somebody, I’m absolutely going to define him by his worst moments. My current husband’s worst moments consist of being a little snippy when I’ve annoyed him, or maybe even cussing at his computer when he’s frustrated. But screaming at me? Charging at me? Behavior that makes me cower on the bathroom floor? Nope. Any of that would be a dealbreaker for sure.
Neat. I prefer people who have are human and have human moments.
I don’t throw people away.
That’s normally my M.O. and DH’s. Married 25 years and happy. But I definitely remember being so pissed at him once during our first year of marriage, while we were at a hotel during a holiday visit with my in-laws where I had been tolerating banana stuff all day, that I threw a shoe after he said something really flip (not at him but at a wall). It sounds absolutely bizarre to me now, and people who know me would never believe it. But sometimes, you just catch the wrong moment of feeling so incredibly ragey and exhausted. I’m glad he gave me grace. I’ve never raised a hand at anyone (feels weird to even have to say) and usually have a crazy long fuse. Heck, if anything, I’m probably more someone who might sweep things under the rug too much. I hate conflict. So I don’t know if you can just paint with a broad brush like that. If wild fights like that were a pattern though, I would definitely run (I’m sure my husband would too). Life is hard enough on its own. You need to have a soft place to come home to.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t give grace in a one-time situation that was at the level of shoe-throwing or maybe yelling. But I lived with somebody who felt free to act out like that for 15 years and it’s not the kind of life I want. If that’s “throwing people away” for “having human moments” then I’m more than okay with it.
for the record: i told her to DTMFA. i’m just saying i can see why it would feel complicated to her.
I don’t want to victim blame. No one should be subjected to violence no matter how heated things get.
But really how does anyone put up with this level of relationship drama in their real grown up life? Screaming, sobbing, using people’s parents’ mental illness to score points in arguments? I would have been so far out the door the first time anyone got remotely like this. I’ve been married for over a decade and I swear it’s just not this hard to not be like this? We’ve lost close family members, had two kids, my husband’s dad is also a horrible human and an abusive cheater, we’ve had crazy family drama and reasons to be really upset and it’s just never ever come close to this stuff. I’m truly sympathetic but just so shocked by people expressing that “this happens.” The worst we’ve ever done leave and get some air. This doesn’t happen in all relationships and it was so weird to have it normalized.
You’d be surprised. I commented yesterday about a recent similar situation I’d gone through and I can tell you that NO ONE, least of all me, could have seen it coming. I’d literally have believed that UFOs would land on my roof before I thought my husband would raise a clenched fist at me. This isn’t me ignoring signs and symptoms for years – this was out of the blue in a loving, long-term, never-felt-anything-but-cherished relationship.
Fair enough. I’m sure that happened. I’m sure it could happen to me out if nowhere.
But it seems like a lot of people are just dealing with extremely dramatic romantic relationships even before they realize that it’s turning violent. I really don’t relate.
Well, a lot of people grow up in messed up families and have a lot of unresolved issues. Does that statement really surprise you? If so, you live in a bubble. So sadly it doesn’t surprise me at all to hear of things like the OP experienced. It is incredibly common, perhaps even in your bubble.
No one was actually subjected to violence , to be clear. And yes, both of them were drama llamas.
Didn’t you do enough tr011ing yesterday?
Tell me where the violence was. You can’t just make up stuff so that you can justify your feelings.
“Tell me where the violence was…” Google the 3 elements of criminal assault and may you be better informed!
I actually thought the weeping was despicable. He didn’t do anything to comfort his wife he had just terrorized. He just wallowed and made it all about him.
Stop it. People are allowed to have breakdowns. They are allowed to cry without being labeled despicable. What is wrong with you?
In this instance, it was actually about him.
Hello, thank you for checking in. I really appreciated everyone’s insight and advice yesterday.
My husband came home from work yesterday, and immediately started crying again. He broke down and told me he was so incredibly sorry and it was unforgivable. He said he realized that he has been in denial about his father’s behavior because it is too painful to confront, which was why it was so triggering to him. He said he had a memory of being 6 or 7 and hearing his father beat his mother in the other room, and that he was so distraught at the time about not being able to protect the person he loved more than anything. He said he’s carried that guilt ever since, but that he has also tried to repress the memory (that one and others). His mother at the time relied on him heavily for emotional support and told him about the incident in detail when he was still a kid. He also said that when he was using his father’s phone a few months ago, he saw an “I love you” text to a family friend who is in her early twenties. He didn’t tell me because he wanted to pretend it never happened, but that he felt disgust and like he couldn’t look at his father the same way, in addition to guilt about him cheating on his mom.
The main point that he communicated was that he has a tremendous amount of anger and hurt towards his father, and a tremendous amount of guilt for what his father has gone through. He said his only way to be able to handle it was to repress the feelings and lie to himself that things are normal or fine, the way his parents do. But that my comment punctured that defense mechanism, and his response was to completely lose control emotionally. Basically that none of it had to do with me and entirely to do with his dad, and that he felt so incredibly guilty and horrible that he could have acted that way. He’s signed up for therapy but said he would respect whatever space I want to take in the near term.
He is very gentle, caring, and sweet as a person, so it did feel completely out of nowhere and out of character. I don’t feel unsafe around him, but I do think him working through these feelings are a bit of a necessary thing for us to be in a marriage. It was a bit of a breakthrough for him at least I think, as it has felt like though he cognitively lets himself get angry toward his father and condemn him, he hasn’t really emotionally processed it, if that makes sense. I’m hoping this insight will allow him to break the family cycle of normalizing and repressing, and to start to process and heal.
This is great for your husband, but how do YOU feel about all of this? You can have all the empathy in the world for someone and still realize that his behavior was not ok and that you no longer want to be with them.
You didn’t mention it, but please, please do not have children with this man until this is all sorted.
It sounds like he has a lot of work to do if he wants to break this pattern in his family. I don’t know what he means by “a tremendous amount of guilt for what his father has gone through.” Is that a typo? If he’s really feeling somehow guilty or bad about his dad’s hardships in the same conversation about his dad beating his mom, I don’t like hearing that given that he also just behaved badly towards you and is crying about his pain and seeking sympathy. This all sounds hard, and I hate how much difficulty abusive parents cause in their families.
Sorry, I meant guilt for what his mother has gone through. He basically feels responsible for everything his mom has gone through and like he should be able to fix it, even though she won’t leave him.
Okay that makes a lot more sense to me. Whatever else happens I hope he’ll be in a much better place soon through working through all this.
I would encourage you to meet with your own therapist as well. I think you need to write down your experience of this event asap because memories can be slippery things and you do not want your empathy for him to cloud what happened. You might work with your therapist on a letter for him to share with his therapist because his therapist needs to know what happened. I have concerns that he has talked a lot about his past but is not talking much about the impact on you or drawing parallels between his father’s behavior and the direction that his own behavior is headed. Do you feel confident that if you had not run and cowered that he would not have hit you? If not, then it was your action that stopped him, not his own sense of restraint.
All of those awful things could have happened to him and he still doesn’t get to chase you and scream at you instead of running out the front door to get a breath. People are not defined by their worst moments but by how they chose to handle those moments. He needs to not just start therapy but make significant progress and make you feel safe again, whatever that looks like for you and however long that takes.
Take care and keep checking in.
So to recap : this is about his feelings about his dad, his mom and his feelings about how he hurt you? You get that the over the top sobbing for HOURS is manipulative right? The brand new recovered memories of his trauma are manipulation too. Sorry. But look what happened: now it’s all about his feelings his trauma and his journey for healing his big hurt. You have to be super patient and understanding so he can make big breakthroughs so as to not scream at you, charge at you and throw things at you going forward. Unless it’s time for another big breakthrough, I guess.
+1.
You don’t actually know if this is manipulative. Manipulation isn’t very effective if it doesn’t imitate sincerity pretty well!
Fair point. I highly suspect this is manipulation. I strongly encourage the op to consider that possibility.
He’s used a lot of therapy words. He’s made a huge show of his emotions and “uncovered” some traumatic painful memories. He’s alluding to some cathartic breakthrough resulting from his frightening and frankly unacceptable behavior. Hes done a lot to take the attention away from the person who he actually wronged and make himself the wounded one here and it’s worth seeing his actions in that context.
It’s not good enough if it’s sincere anyway.
Unfortunately I have to second this warning. But I say it with complete sympathy and no judgement. It took years for me to realize how useful my now-ex’s crying and self-recriminations were.
+1 unfortunately, yes.
+1
Been there, done that. Divorced now.
If she wants to honor her marriage she does. If she wants to leave, she can do that, too. Lots of things can be true and valid at once.
I wonder when he’s going to let himself feel angry with his mom and what that breakthrough will look like.
OP from yesterday, please consider making a police report. Just to document this, in case it happens again and in case it escalates. You need to protect yourself. You seem so focused on him, because he’s intentionally making this all about his feelings, but please make you and your safety a priority. I kept replaying what you described in my mind last night like a movie, and I just kept thinking “this could only happen in a horror movie.” I know we’re strangers, but please know people in the world are scared for you and want you to be safe. You deserve a safe, happy, full life.
Counterpoint to this: I’ve worked in domestic violence court and once you get the cops involved you are likely to lose all control and you could well find things spiraling wildly out of control. As in, your husband arrested with a protective order kicking him out of the house and forbidding him to contact you, even indirectly, a criminal case that gets settled only if he agrees to take wildly expensive domestic violence classes, and so on. Whether or not you want any of that is likely to be irrelevant.
There are ways to document it and that’s a good idea, but sending a contemporaneous account to a friend, or even to an email that only you have access to, will accomplish the same thing as long as it’s date-stamped.
That’s not entirely true. The evidentiary weight of a prior police report is 50x the evidentiary weight of an email you sent a friend.
Police report that nothing happened except yelling and chasing through the house? This is terrible advice and an abuse of public resources.
It would appear you’re not familiar with the definition of criminal assault. It was 3 elements. Give them a Google. You’ll quickly understand there was undeniably a crime committed by her husband.
It is okay if you want to forgive him. Just like you responded in flight-or-flight, so did. I hope you both get counseling and that it works out.
what are your favorite slightly fancy omelets? trying to think of some fun options to keep on hand for dinners.
I learned how to make Spanish tortillas on vacation this year and they are yum. (Omelette with potatoes and onions, cooked in olive oil.)
My family loves these. They’re great for nights where everyone is running around to various activities, practices, etc, since they’re good at room temperature and travel well. We use the Cook’s Illustrated recipe.
I like more bitter and less cheesy – latest one was puttanesca-inspired and yummmmmm.
Goat cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, and avocado.
you reminded me that a simple goat cheese, tomatoes and basil is my favorite. Such a nice balance.
Boursin, maybe with ham or bacon and tomato!
smoked salmon with a cheese of your choice (goat, feta, cream cheese, whatever), plus usually spinach or tomato.
Roasted sweet potatoes or squash, chorizo, mushrooms, and boursin or herbed goat cheese
If you’re counting things like frittatas – feta cheese, spring onion and potato or bacon and cheddar or tomato and broccoli are among my favorites.
For a more classic omelet, whisking a little salt into the egg first, then loads and loads of lovely butter, and some chives.
Hello –
We had a fire at our house. No one was hurt, thankfully, but the house is uninhabitable. State Farm is providing long-term, temporary housing, and we have a remediation / renovation company working with us to do clean up and repair. We expect to be out of the house for several months.
If someone has through this, do you have any tips? Thanks!
Oh no!!!! I’m so sorry.
not me personally, but a close family friend has and they had to completely rebuild.
– not sure how long ago this was, but make a list of every item you lost
– think about whether or not you actually need to replace those items
– if you lost pictures or other sentimental things, ask others for copies – this was the house of my sister’s former childhood bff (they had a huge fight senior year of high school, but our parents remained close friends) and my sister still had a bunch of pictures from high school and from the girl’s bat mitzvah she offered to copy and share
– will you be going back and forth to the house frequently while the renovation is happening? what papers or clothing or other items might you need to be able to access during the renovation or not want in your house if you have people coming and going and you aren’t living there?
– how will you feel moving back into the house? any fire prevention measures or fire safety/fire escape measures you want to add? Not sure if you have kids, but this might have been a fairly traumatic event for the,
– if you want to make changes to the house, now might be the time
most importantly, glad no one was hurt, but even though no one was hurt it’s ok if you feel scared/sad, etc.
I’m so sorry. If there is a mortgage on the property, the mortgage company can be really helpful in getting the insurance company to do their job right. The bank wants the house to be marketable. So if the insurer tries to give you short shrift, don’t be shy about getting the bank involved.
My neighbors hired a specialized consultant called a public adjuster to help them get a fair deal from their insurance company. They said that the public adjuster was of enormous help.
I had something similar happen, and I am so, so sorry. We lived in a condo that caught fire and we had major damage to our bedrooms, living rooms, and bathrooms. Here are my lessons learned:
First, I wish we had hired a public adjuster. Instead, I had a part time job hounding the insurance company (AAA) and the contractor who was rebuilding. I had to fight hard for all the insurance money we were owed. For example, we had some original oak hardwood floors and beautiful crown moulding and baseboards, and AAA’s replacement policy did not want to pay for like replacement (which would have required millwork), but cheap MDF costs. I spend hours appealing decisions like that, each of which were worth thousands of dollars. A public adjuster could have offered market comps and estimated replacement value instead of me spending hours researching and trying to justify costs. I remember I got into a fight with insurance about the reimbursement rate for the door hinges and strike plates. So stupid, but our insurance did not want to pay out. YMMV.
Second, start making a spreadsheet of literally everything in your house, down to your expensive makeup. Even items that were not damaged by water or fire likely have smoke damage. We had to replace all consumables except some bottles of wine (even though the fire didn’t affect the kitchen, there was smoke everywhere), as well as items that would have been unsafe to keep, like all our toddlers’ toys. I had to set up an elaborate tracking system for what had to be replaced and its value (e.g., no-longer sold face cream), what a like-replacement would be (e.g., new version of face cream), and receipt tracking for when I re-bought the item and got reimbursed from insurance. You can accept an insurance-company provided settlement for an estimated value of what you lost, but we would have lost a lot of money accepting the average compared to what we had actually lost. On the other hand, I lost a lot of time in these documentation steps. I took photos of EVERYTHING in the condo before demolition to assist in the documentation. Maybe AI can help with this step these days, or maybe there’s software now.
Third, find cheap rental housing. Insurance told us we’d move back in in 6 weeks, and we burned immediately through the insurance payout for alternate housing by staying in furnished corporate housing in a fancy apartment building. We did not move back in for almost four months.
Four, the insurance company may have a list of qualified contractors who can rebuild for you. It was extremely difficult for us to find a contractor on our own who could start rebuilding almost immediately–most need weeks of lead time and their documentation process is different from what insurers’ need to repay you. Insurers account for every inch of piping and screw to the penny, and most GCs do not charge for materials at that granular level. But some contractors and GCs are used to working with insurance. A public adjuster might be able to help with that, too.
I’m really sorry this happened. It might be a long road ahead of you, but remember that you and your family are entitled to getting this process done right by insurance.
What a useful post. Any idea what you spent on the adjuster?
Has anyone had clothes made for them for work? I’m a very small size and petite and I’m so tired of nothing ever fitting. Many years ago when I was on my post-bar trip in Vietnam, I had suits made and while my style was questionable, those suits fit me. Curious about whether anyone’s done this in the US?
I almost feel like it might be worth a trip to Vietnam to have it done now that you are dialed in to your style. When I was in Hoi An a few years ago I had some things made and there was a young guy getting a whole work wardrobe made, from shirts to outerwear. Also they will keep your measurements on file and going forward they can make things and ship them.
A thought – would it be possible to get measured locally, but have a tailor abroad make what you need?
I have not found the selection of fabrics available in Vietnam to be suitable to western work wardrobe. Purchased a few dressy pieces and a few casual pieces over numerous trips, but i just could not find quality fabrics in VN for work clothes.
Ah. Good point.
Are you near any large cities? You might find a Vietnamese tailor in a bigger city in the US who could work with you.
I haven’t tried it yet because I just don’t need suits as much post-Covid, but if you still need suits, Brooks Brothers is doing made-to-measure suits and shirts for women now.
would you tell a loved one if they chewed or breathed too loudly (like panting through their mouth)? or do you think that’s always a you problem?
It’s essentially always for medical/development reasons (poor development of the facial bones and dental arch in childhood, for example) so no, it’s not really fair to critique it.
I’d say something if I thought they’d be open to the possibility of treating it for their own health reasons, like snoring or other obstructed breathing. And I’d frame it not as an annoyance to me, but as a consideration of their health. e.g., “Honey, I’ve noticed you’ve been snoring a lot. What would you think about discussing a sleep study with your doctor to see if it’s affecting the quality of your sleep?” or “Son, you seem to have a hard time breathing through your nose. Maybe we should talk to the ENT to see if you’ve got a deviated septum or if they have tips to help.” (I wish my parents had told me mouth breathing is not normal and likely affected my physical stamina during exercise!) Otherwise, this is a you problem.
‘Treating’ poor facial structure involves cracking open several bones and having metal appliances for years. No not comment on it ever because it’s an expensive and insive fix to rectify childhood neglect.
It’s not always poor facial structure though? Sometimes it’s an immune issue.
Some people are really sensitive to chewing noises and are easily repulsed by things others don’t notice as miuch. So consider that it might also be related to your own sensitivity, not just how disgusting your loved one is.
+1 – I am really, really sensitive to mouth noises but I realize that’s mostly my issue. I DO tell my kids to knock it off with mouth stims (loud open-mouthed chewing, knocking silverware on their teeth, chewing/playing with mouthguards when playing sports, gulping huge amounts of their drinks to see who can make the loudest sounds, etc.). Yes, they’re neurodivergent and stimming is helpful, but they have other options that aren’t gross or annoying to other people.
Nobody wants to chew or breathe loudly; if it’s actually loud, they’ve been told before by people who aren’t nice about it, and they weren’t able to change it then either.
Though I agree with 5:10 pm that if it’s a medical thing that was neglected in the past, or something new that hasn’t been checked out, it could be worth following up on as a symptom.
There’s still something frustrating about having this kind of symptom though. My partner asks me if I’m “okay?” every time he hears me having a breathing issue. I guess it is his anxiety, but I’m taking my meds and my doc isn’t worried, so it starts to feel like I’m just being encouraged to “breathe normally” like a nagging relative.
Yes, if it’s my small child who needs to understand not to openly gnosh food through their teeth at the dinner table. Perhaps for a one-off weird thing where my spouse suddenly turned Darth Vader while focused on something and was oblivious to all else. Not for my grandpa with a bunch of sinus issues who chews with his mouth open so he can get enough oxygen. Definitely not just for the way someone breathes in general.