Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Janet Tie-Neck Cotton Poplin Shirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The tie on this tie-neck blouse from Universal Standard is a little bit unusual, but I like it. I think I would describe it as somewhere in between a bow tie and a traditional women’s tie-neck bow? It might be fun to try out, and if you hate it, it’s removable and you’re still left with a great button-up.
Universal Standard includes hidden snaps at the bust to prevent awkward gaps, so this top is a win all around.
The blouse is on sale for $86.40-$92.40, marked down from $154, at Universal Standard and comes in sizes equivalent to 00-40.
Sales of note for 11/6:
- Nordstrom – Early Black Friday sale! Up to 25% off fashion + 15% off all fragrance
- Sephora – Savings Event! 10-20% off for members, and 30% off Sephora Collection
- Ann Taylor – 25% off your purchase, and $50 off $200
- Brooklinen – Surprise weekend sale, 20% off
- Electric Picks – 25% off
- J.Crew – 2400+ markdowns
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 20% on suiting and dresses! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Talbots – Enjoy 30% off your entire purchase
There was a comment late yesterday that mouth breathing is caused by childhood neglect. If that poster (or the others from that thread) are still around, I’d like to hear your thoughts. What should be done differently in early childhood?
I’ve been a mouth breather my entire life. I’ve seen several ENTs starting from early childhood; had my tonsils and adenoids out at 5 which didn’t fix things, deviated septum surgery at 13 which fixed some, and 2 surgeries since. I see an ENT regularly who has advised against more procedures and do all the sprays and meds now.
I was made fun of a lot as a kid for breathing loudly, and I’ve noticed my 3 year old snores and have an appointment at a pediatric ENT for her. Maybe I am just really sensitive but I don’t want to carry over my own medical issues to her, and yesterday’s post was the first time I’ve heard that mouth breathing is caused by medical neglect. If you believe that, how? What needs to be caught earlier or differently? I don’t want folks to look at my daughter in 30 years and make fun of her bc I was a neglectful parent.
For my own case my breathing issues would have been fixed by a palate expander and myofunctional therapy in childhood, easy peasy. Children’s bones haven’t fused yet so they don’t have to get anything broken to fix the issues, it’s much easier to heal from and a significantly less invasive procedure. Fixing it as an adult is not really feasible because I need to work a real job and can’t be out for extensive time while my whole jaw is busted and wired. Instead I took the ‘realistic’ option which means having a bunch of appliances and therapies which will get me to 70% but I can talk and won’t have various broken bones for 2 years.
Do you have proper tongue posture?
My mid-30’s palate expander was a relatively mild experience. There was no busting my jaw and wiring. There was no missed work. They just put it in and I expanded with a key once a week for a year.
Am I missing something? I don’t see anything there implying that it’s a neglect issue if you check it out and there’s nothing to be done? I’m like you and have also always had trouble breathing through my nose, plus a billion ear infections. I had many appointments with ENTs and allergists as a child (and some as an adult), but the only surgeries they recommended were multiple rounds of ear tubes and I don’t have any allergies that explain the stuffy and runny nose, just non-allergic rhinitis. I take meds for that, which help some, but ultimately, there’s just not a cure for everything.
The exact comment yesterday was:
No not comment on it ever because it’s an expensive and insive fix to rectify childhood neglect.
Oh, I guess I should add in response to the comment above that I actually did also have palate expanders when I had braces, but I don’t think they had any noticeable effect on my breathing. My main issue is that my nose is often stuffy or runny, and they definitely didn’t help that.
Unfortunately sometimes the neglect was on the part of the medical providers who checked things out. (My lifelong genetic immune deficiency was not diagnosed until I was an adult, and not by the first doctors I saw either.)
Also have a genetic immune deficiency and agree that the medical neglect and complacence played a big role in the delay in diagnosis.
Just FYI – I also have multiple autoimmune disorders, part genetic. When we were kids the genes involved were not even known, nevermind tested for. And even now getting insurance coverage is difficult. Medical knowledge has exploded in genetics and immunology. Sometimes the “neglect” is that there was no clear answer at the time, and honestly, older doctors have a hard time keeping up. And sadly, many subspecialist doctors like ENTs don’t follow patients long term to see if something evolves or gets clarified with time.
Everything that was needed to diagnose me was known when I was a kid. Actually I have older relatives that were diagnosed more promptly, but family history was neglected too.
I didn’t see a comment about neglect specifically when I skimmed the thread but the person may have been referring to lack of nutrition and dental care. Poor nutrition in utero and in the first years of life is associated with incomplete development of the facial bones and dental arch.
Not even just poor nutrition—a reliance on soft foods also causes some of this. Make sure your kids are chewing often!!
Most parents are balancing multiple concerns, which for many includes getting their child to eat anything at all. People will always try to feed their kids a variety of foods, but parents are also advised not to force their kids to eat anything so some kids are just not going to eat a ton of crunchy or chewy foods.
The mom-blaming has really got to end. Every conceivable issue an adult might ever have is now being blamed on inadequate maternal performance, and unfortunately there are conflicting mandates about almost everything. There is only so much mothers can do. At some point you have to accept that personal responsibility and also the luck of the draw also exist.
I mean, your excuse is valid. It doesn’t mean there isn’t a consequence to it.
I don’t see anyone “mom-blaming.” This discussion so far has been about general neglect and no one has singled out mothers.
Ah yes children should take personal responsibility. It’s that 4 year olds fault for not booking themselves a geneticist appointment and driving there, they are entirely at fault because they couldn’t legally address it themselves until 18.
I’m team luck of the draw. Some people have a lot of information and access to specialists, and some people are trying to get by without their families being in acute pain. (Unfortunately) we aren’t entitled to every possible fix.
I’m ok accepting that people are doing the best they can by their children, even if it isn’t always good enough.
to 11:00 there absolutely was maternal blaming yesterday afternoon
Well, it’s pretty hard to start a thread focused on “childhood neglect” without many of us reading “Mom’s fault…”.
To add to this, there’s a very interesting book from the 1930s called Nutrition and Physical Degeneration by Weston A. Price. Full warning that the foundation that bears his name today has almost NO relation to what his book was actually about and has gone full unhinged MAHA/anti-vax, but the original book is fascinating. He was a dentist who traveled the world and commented on how traditional/ancestral diets appeared to be associated with much better oral and facial development (palate/teeth/arch/sinuses/jawline) and almost no dental decay or cavities, whereas the second generations that were introduced to western foods via colonialism had almost immediate negative effects. The photographs are very striking. I don’t recommend treating the book as gospel truth (it’s very much of its times and not a rigorous scientific analysis) but it’s fascinating and suggestive.
From my own perspective – my parents made fun of me for mouth breathing my whole life but never took me to an ENT. I realized in my 30s that my septum was horribly deviated and needed to be surgically fixed. I had the surgery and I’m honestly shocked at how many things in my life it helped with – I don’t get sick as often, sicknesses clear more easily, swimming isn’t painful, I can sleep better, etc. etc.
My oldest needed tonsil and adenoids removed and ear tubes placed at 3 but since then was able to breath easily and slept through the night without snoring. It was also a night and day difference in sickness/recovery – that’s what I would mean by neglect. As my ENT said – little kids shouldn’t snore like a passed out old man. I didn’t know that since loud snoring/gasping/startling awake was ‘normal’ in my family and I was told to ignore it.
Yes, a lot of people treat this as a good manners and socialization issue and think that criticism will fix it, as if children (or adults) just need enough negative feedback and they’ll choose to breathe differently.
My parents frequently advised me to breathe differently (mouth breathing was a huge target of bullying in school, so I was already careful to breathe as discretely as possible). I needed different interventions, but they worked, and I sleep so much better now.
I am also a mouth breather. My pediatric dentist pointed it out immediately because my gums were puffy. We didn’t do anything about it and it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t snore. My septum is indeed deviated but I don’t currently have interest in surgically correcting it unless things get worse.
Whoever said mouth breathing is because of neglect is wildly off base.
This is neglect though; you’re just choosing to neglect it which is different from a parent neglecting it in a young child. It’s definitely bad for your health.
(I’m not blaming your parents; I’m not sure if the dentist didn’t emphasize this enough or failed to refer you appropriately or what actually happened. Usually parents want the best for their kids, but pediatric providers don’t always communicate, or they give the impression that kids may just grow out of things.)
I already have health anxiety and am not going to google the ways in which mouth breathing is bad for me. I’m in good health and my doctors are not concerned or recommend I correct it.
There is also a risk benefit of having your child undergo surgery, and each child is different, so you can’t just blanket claim all parents who don’t get their child an elective surgery is neglect. An experienced ENT wouldn’t say that either knowing each child has different comorbidities and conditions.
A lot of breathing issues can be fixed in children WITHOUT surgery because their bones haven’t fused yet. It’s much safer and less invasive to fix these issues in children.
I think your doctors would be concerned if they knew that your approach to health anxiety is avoidance, but we’re adult who get to make our own choices.
11:30, I don’t know why you think that surgery is the only intervention.
I was responding to 10:15 who noted they didn’t want surgical intervention. I never said surgery is the only option. I also never take medical advice from strangers on the interwebs, so no worries here!
My mom discovered she was allergic to most commercial toothpastes—manifesting in puffy/bleeding gums and bad breathing. She solved that problem and things improved for her.
To be clear – I don’t have gum issues anymore. I was also a bad brusher and flosser growing up and they were not puffy because of a toothpaste allergy.
When this was actually studied, the number they landed on was one out of three people being negatively affected by surfactants in normal toothpaste (not everyone realized it of course). Two of three people are fine with normal toothpaste.
Sure! A third is a pretty big percentage though.
That’s just insane. People be spending too much time on the internet
Breath: the New Science of a Lost Art by James Nestor has a lot to say about mouth breathing, and breathing generally. It sounds like it is going to be a slog, but it is not. It is a fascinating read.
Ok, I am a mouth breather and have been my entire life. I am an old — as in well past 65. My mother was a nurse and I was at countless ENT appointments as a child due to severe allergies. I took speech lessons with a speech therapist for all of elementary and most of high school. I was never discouraged from mouth breathing or told it was wrong. As an adult I have a cardio/pulmonary disease that requires frequent visits to respiratory therapists for breathing treatments and breathing lessons. Most of what they teach me is pursed lip breathing, so mouth breathing. I also continue to have frequent ENT visits due to allergies. It’s only in the past 5 years that I have even heard that mouth breathing is 1) horrible 2) something that needs to be fixed 3) the result of my bone structure 4) an immediate problem and 5) my mother’s fault.
I’m sorry you have had bad/uninformed medical providers
Get. Lost.
+1000 to you last sentence.
It’s likely that your conditions have been worsened, if not caused, by your anatomy. If you have inadequate development of the sinuses, you will certainly suffer more from allergies.
Neglect is an insanely charged word and feels wildly inappropriate for this type of scenario. Can we assume most parents are doing the best they can. As are medical professionals. And also there’s lots of new research that comes along all the time and changes the recommendations. By some people on this boards standards I was neglected as a baby because my parents had me nap on my stomach even though that was the recommendation at the time. Now we know better so we do better. My parents put my babies down for a nap on their back. I’m sure if I ever become a grandparent, lots of the stuff the experts told me to do with my children will be called neglect by the next generation of pearl clutchers. Most of us are all doing the best we can with the information we have available at the time. Consider this my plea to share new and updated information in a more charitable manner. Life is better when you assume good intentions. Also basically no one makes it out of childhood unscathed, blaming every issue you have as an adult on your parents is a really exhausting way to live in my opinion. Use the information and resources you have at your disposal to improve your life in the ways you can and try to do better with your own kids if you have them. But I promise you will skew up with your kids even if you try your best not to because that’s what humans do. And that’s ok.
Very few parents are doing the best they can.
I’m sad you think so poorly of the people you associate with. Or that you don’t spend time with people and read too much garbage on the internet.
What?? Don’t project your anger at your mother on the rest of us please .
Blah Blah Blah. So this is just the normal human condition, right? Like leaning out at work.
+1
Most medical professionals may be doing the best they can, but that doesn’t mean that they’re up-to-date or knowledgeable. It is not uncommon to be harmed by what providers just didn’t know, neglected, or ignored. Test results that they never followed up on or that they interpreted on the fly. I understand the systemic reasons for this that mitigate individual responsibility, but it’s so tempting to accept reassurance that something is normal or okay, that I think we need to remind ourselves that the odds that a provider is just winging it are pretty high compared to other professionals we consult.
+1. Absolutely. It’s so tempting to think that our own actions matter little or that because mistakes will be made, we shouldn’t try to influence our environments and our health, but that’s very wrong. Small choices (and big ones too) can have an ENORMOUS impact. Which doctor you see, how much follow-up you do, what kinds of food you serve, how much activity your kids get – everything matters. Instead of seeing it as overwhelming, why not see it as an opportunity? There’s so much you can shape/influence just by making slight changes to your routine.
Everything matters sounds a little stressful to me. But yes there are real opportunities, and they’re also not always the default choices or the path of least resistance. This goes for a lot of things in life, but it’s easy to accept reassurance when we’re very, very invested.
I don’t mean “everything matters” as in you can/should tackle everything – just that it’s not some cosmic crapshoot. There are modifiable influences in every aspect of modern life.
+2. I’m so sick of this. We’re all going to screw up in one way or another, even if we’re trying our best.
Childhood neglect seems like a wild take for … mouth breathing.
I jokingly tell my teenagers that if I hadn’t made any mistakes, they wouldn’t have any material to use when they go to a therapist as a middle-class adult.
Definitely was a mouth-breather, as I had horrible allergies and exercise-induced asthma as a kid. My nose ran most of the year. What did my parents do? Take me to the pediatrician and specialists and even the children’s hospital and try different treatments. Nothing really seemed to work long-term. As an adult, I moved to a drier climate and the allergies mostly went away.
My parents have their own limits and foibles, but they really did the best they could under the circumstances.
I had very severe asthma and allergies as a child. I was basically snotty all the time. You could have fixed my palate ad infinitum and it would have made no difference. I am still a (very quiet) mouth breather as an adult. I do not have a deviated septum. I’ve survived for nearly 50 years. My parents and I lived in doctor’s offices and ERs when I was a child. All is well/this is not a crisis, and my parents were NOT neglectful. It was only until the late 90s when anti-leukotrienes were widely available that my asthma was fully controlled and my life changed.
I’ve learned about this from a pediatric dentist friend who stays on top of research, so I’m looking at this as a “know better, do better” topic vs. neglect.
I’d look for a pediatric dentist who mentions the importance of airway evaluation on their website/practice social media. From my understanding, mouth breathing can contribute to poor oral health as it dries out the mouth so you lose the protection in saliva and cavity causing bacteria proliferate.
I don’t know if this is the exact same situation. I had braces and those were great and needed, but as a teen I flat out refused to do a palate expander. As an adult I think I have some slight sleep apnea but I’m happy with my decision not to get the expander. People told me I would regret it and that has never been true. So depending on your kids age maybe ask them too
For the OP –
I would mention it to your kid’s pediatrician (ie. you’ve noticed x about kids’ breathing; you had similar issues as a kid, mention the snoring and if you notice other sleep issues – eg. if kid is sleeping plenty but waking up tired); and follow the pediatrician’s advice.
The original comment overstated things, there *are* causes of mouth breathing that should be treated in childhood, but there are plenty that are not (or it’s not worth it for an individual child). People bring a lot of their individual trauma to blanket statements like: “it’s always neglect!”. You sound like a perfectly good mom taking good care of your kid.
There are trends and fads in medicine and dentistry, as there are in all fields. The current trend in orthodontia is to give every child a palate expander. How much of this is genuinely needed and how much is just a cash grab on the part of orthodontists? What are the unintended and unforeseen risks and harms? We won’t know for another decade or so, and then people will be accusing parents who got palate expanders of abuse.
So true!
I wondered about that also — my son is a mouth breather. We just paid $7k for braces, including a palate expander, and he still breathes through his mouth. (And refuses to wear his retainers.)
Did he also get myofunctional therapy?
the original poster who made that comment (and is all over this thread, I suspect) seems to be putting a LOT of faith in pediatric dentistry over the last 50+ years. (if only the neglectful mother had taken them to a dentist or kept pursuing the issue until she found one willing to address the issues!)
ALL of dentistry is a step away from quack medicine. ok that’s too harsh, but here’s a story from the Atlantic about how it’s much more of an art than a science.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/05/the-trouble-with-dentistry/586039/?gift=PEb_GDID3744HtoRx9Zp6cDGrp2uSBZTfSXOtK5-Qto&utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share
Dentistry is shady for sure, but a lot of mouth breathing isn’t related to dentistry at all.
We have books like Doing Harm about misogyny in healthcare, but the way kids are treated is barely a conversation yet. But pediatricians get paid so much less for reasons.
I think for the most part no one is trying to optimize a child’s health. They are just trying to get them to adulthood in one piece. And that’s what we’ve mostly been doing for all of human history.
Yes, the standards are still pretty low, despite much higher standards for other demographics.
Society at large does not seem very supportive of parents in this effort (whether we’re talking about guns, cars, or infectious diseases).
There will always be a higher standard for the demographics who can articulate exactly what they are feeling and can also pay for that standard of care. Kids are mostly inarticulate and also grow out of things.
I’m not sure this is a failing—seems more like the reality of things.
“Kids grow out of things” is sometimes true and is sometimes one of the lines used by providers who are kicking the can down the road until the child’s symptoms are not their problem any more. It really makes a difference if they really grow out of it or not, or if it morphs into a bigger issue later on or not.
And yes, children being poor has been a reason not to invest in relevant research or pay their specialists well. Unfortunately insurance has started to resist covering interventions that aren’t evidence based, so even when off label treatment exists, coverage becomes an access issue.
I’m familiar with the view that it’s simply reality that adult white men from good Christian backgrounds who are cisgender and straight and rich should get the best medical care backed by the most research from the most highly paid physicians. Charcot thought that it made sense because they are simply the most credible patients. Any other patient may be malingering to get out of school or work, or they may be somatizing psychic distress from their social marginalization, so their symptoms can be compassionately discounted; in fact, it’s doing them a favor to reassure them that they’re fine.
My view is that a century later, science has come a long way, and I’d like to at least get the quality of healthcare that the rich white man’s dog gets at the vet.
I find this “neglect” judgement extremely triggering.
My kid is a mouth breather. How we discovered it is through a orthodontic consultation for braces, where an altered swallowing pattern was discovered, and it was recommended we consult an speech pathologist before we even attempt to do an orthodontic correction.
It took 1 full year to be able to see someone for an initial speeach pathologist evaluation, and this was doing it out of pocket in my home country over the holidays. For therapy, a myofunctional therapist is recommended now, but it needs to be someone being able to work on patterns and re-learning/habituation rather than muscle strength, plus someone who close to where we live.
Does the OP even have a rough idea how difficult it is in most parts of the United States to find someone who can provide the therapy services, let alone that provider having availability, let alone it being affordable?
FWIW, we’re looking at thousands of dollars out of network costs for the miminum recommended number of sessions. As a high-earner I can absorb that and will recover it through my HSA now or later, but most people do not have that luxury.
Will we try everything to correct the issue my kiddo has? Yes! Will it take much longer than planned? Probably yes! Will it be successful? Who knows?
And blaming the parents for not knowing or addressing those issues is tone-deaf. For many people, orthodontics are already prohibitive cost-wise, and most people are not medically knowledgeable enough to realize there’s even an issue! I don’t know where OP lives, but other providers like pediatricians or dentists are already overworked and not up to date on the latest findings to flag this relatively minor (for them) issue for follow-up.
This original judgy poster can go touch grass.
I feel like people are traumatized by neoliberalism at this point, because it sounds like you are describing layers upon layers of neglect to me; they’re just not on the part of parents. But not enough service providers, not enough insurance coverage, not enough research behind the therapies, not enough time in the day, etc.
I’m planning to lean into menswear this autumn. Anyone have tips for integrating ties into your wardrobe? I’m thinking a patterned suit and tie with an oxford, to start.
This site is very femme and conservative. I’d suggest looking at Instagram since there are a lot of masc and NB corporate style influencers.
I use incorporate menswear more on the quirky side, rather than in a more androgenous way. I like use 36 inch or larger scarves folded into a small long rectangle then tie in a windsor knot. White shirt + vest + tie is also another popular look but you need to strike the right balance to avoid catering waiter.
@ Taylor.a.jones showed up on my feed last week and I loved her style. She has a bespoke suit brand, so is advertising for it, but I liked her color combinations.
I do like the vibe you describe but I can’t pull it off while still being taken seriously in my professional office. It just looks like I’m wearing a steampunk costume to work, which puts my general good judgment in question.
Learn some interesting tie knots! I’m partial to the Eldredge.
Whatever you do, be intentional about it. I bet you’ll look awesome.
Personally, I like small pops of a tie with an oxford. Covering up the bulk with a vest or sweater makes it a more subtle accessory. If you’re ready to go big, I love Anon @ 12:55’s suggestion of an Eldredge knot.
Desi Lydic wears a lot of suits and ties on the Daily Show and she looks great, maybe check out some of her outfits.
Where is your preferred place to sell old but good clothes? Thredup? Posh? Individual resale sites like LaFleur? Local consignment?
i have tried consignment and the real real. both have led to me to determine that it’s not worth my time and energy to sell. I either hold on to things or i put them in the rummage and imagine and intrepid thrifter making a video about finding a pair of ferrgamo shoes….
I have a local consignment store. It’s only worth it for high end stuff that is in impeccable condition. I get paid in store credit and have gotten fun stuff that way. Anything else I just donate – it’s frustrating for the mid level stuff in great shape but it’s never worth the hassle to sell honestly.
This is what I have done. Sadly, my local consignments store recently closed. I am debating what to do with my stuff but honestly I will probably just donate it all and take the tax deduction.
Poshmark.
It’s a privilege of not having to, so I don’t anymore but have. Thredup is worthless, poshmark is the best but most time consuming (you need good photos of the actual pieces and the info about what they are to sell them, so original retail information). Realreal takes too much of a cut, eBay is a hassle, local resale shops also usually take too much of a cut to make it worth your time. I give my good castoffs to my friends’ kids who are starting out and love a still good handbag and blazer – for them it’s vintage. The rest I donate.
My local consignment shop is the worst. They routinely steal garments. I wish they would go under to allow for a more ethical company to open up and take the market space.
I send my clothes to ThredUp to put my larger petite sizes into the hands of other women who need them. It is so much easier to find second hand clothese that fit me now! I know the brands that fit me so I search for them on poshmark or Thredup. I don’t have time to mess around for the money
I stopped trying to sell stuff. Unless it’s designer it’s not worth it. Donate.
This: it’s just not worth my time. Also, I remember when I relied heavily on a good consignment store to make my outfits more stylish/professional on a limited budget. I’m happy to pay it forward now.
Poshmark if you have time to photograph, describe, measure, and post, along with space to store items.
Threadup is a racket when it comes to selling. I would rather donate my items and at least claim the thrift value as a deduction on my taxes than get pennies (if anything) for an item Threadup turns around and sell for fifty bucks.
I’ve never tried to consign locally, but from browsing consignment racks it seems like it would only be worth it for higher end, popular brands in excellent condition and of a current vintage and the correct season.
I’ve sold a bunch of stuff on The Real Real for site credit (I buy a lot of second hand) and find it really easy/worth it. I even bought a second hand Celine bag that ended up selling two years later for more than I bought it for.
For sheer ease of unloading mall brands, Thredup, but expect to earn maybe like $50 from a full bag. It is just not worth the incremental $ to me for the extra effort on items that would sell on Posh for like, $15-$20 max.
If you have higher-end pieces, Posh is worth the trouble, or local consignment – check out how they prices the types of brands you’re looking to sell.
Hah! I’d have loved $50 for a bag of almost new and many with tags items and I got a whopping $1.54.
Hahaha, I wish! I also heard that I could get something like an average of $2 an item if I sent in a whole bunch at a time. My very packed bag of like-new, recent season mall brand items gave less than $3 for the entire batch.
Facebook groups. There are a couple of local groups here and I’ll just post “Women’s closet purge” and usually price everything under $15.
I am about to give Vinted a try.
I like shopping ThredUp, but never make much money from them. I may try the new Direct Listing feature and see if I have better luck.
Unless it’s designer, it’s not really worth it, IMO. And even designer goods sell for pennies on the dollar. You’d actually get a bigger bang for your buck to donate.
One thing that really helped (and I’m a VIT with ThredUp who’s earned about $5k in the last couple years or so) is writing up an “invoice” with a short description, size and brand and popping it into the bag when I send it. ThredUp used to routinely discard brand-name items as “no brand/can’t determine” with a super blurry photo because they’re going ultra-fast. The invoice has upped their “take rate” and their pricing to be more aligned with reality *much* better. It takes a bit more time but it’s worth it to avoid them writing up a maxi skirt as a dress, a size OX as a O, and so on.
This blouse looks like some sort of uniform – hotel front desk staff? I do not like it.
I saw it and instantly thought “candy striper” and “nope”
It’s the weird tie.
The tie ruins it.
Anything with candy strips makes me think hospitality uniform. Tidy neck bows make me think airlines and hotels.
I think the tie needs a big ol brooch in the middle of it. It’s a very old fashioned feeling blouse, lean into that. Maybe paired with some flowy wide leg pants and almond toed loafers to offset the old lady vibe.
I’m getting railroad conductor vibes. Not sure why but I agree it reads like a weird uniform
It looks like the Wendy’s logo top to me.
Yes, this! I think it’s the addition of puffy sleeves
Reads vintage McDonald’s to me.
Restaurant hostess from the early 1980s.
Anyone tried Neem (custom jeans)? They have a pop up near me later this week, and I’m tempted …but the jeans are over $200 and I’d love to hear IRL experiences.
no, but a friend got custom jeans from Levi’s back when they offered them (through a popup in NYC around 2000) — she ADORED them. she was very short with a belly and felt like they were the only thing that fit and flattered her.
About weight loss –
How do you set a target weight?
I’ve lost a little weight recently going from 20 lbs overweight to 5 lbs overweight. It’s not that much but I guess since I’m 5’4″ it’s very noticeable. I fit back into all my old clothes, even my judgy mom is starting to wonder how/why I lost weight etc. I had initially thought I’d lose weight until I was at a healthy weight by BMI but that doesn’t seem as necessary anymore.
I wanted to lose weight because I had gained some quickly and wanted to fit back into those old clothes really.
No such thing. Just go until it feels right. Some weight targets will take more work, dedicated fasting/dieting. That doesn’t work for everyone.
For me, I lose weight to fit into my clothes comfortably and also address medical issues (pre-diabetes, sleep apnea).
Sounds like you’re doing great. Why not see if you can maintain for awhile, and then if you want to lose a little vanity weight, you can.
+1, just go until it feels right. I remember losing 35 lbs in my 20s, fitting into size 0s, and being uncomfortable with how prominent my collarbones were — and i was still 10 lbs over the “ideal” weight.
I don’t have a number, just vibes. I clearly had a lot of excess fat concentrated around the midsection (like all the other longtime commenters hitting peri at the same time), so I focused on losing. The belly is now a pooch, but still too much fat for my liking. When the belly smooths out, I will switch focus to gaining muscle.
I’m 5’5 and right at the top of the BMI chart (147). I have been about 135-140 but I don’t really want to restrict my diet that much. I think you just have to know what feels good for you.
Seems like a great question for your PCP.
Doubtful. And I say that genuinely.
I’m similar to you. I want to fit back into my clothes, and feel good about my health. And since I do not enjoy monitoring my food intake all the time, and I eat a pretty great relatively healthy diet, I have decided those extra 5 pounds of weight are not essential to loose. I like my slightly fuller face and chest and I LOVE having to not worry about every bite I eat. I am eating well, and able to maintain my eating habits and still enjoy my food life. That sounds like the sweet spot, especially since I am mid life.
Fortunately, with aging I also care much less about what people think. It makes me sad to think about your judgy mom, and that must be hard all around.
I had a natural set point for decades until something went awry with my hormones and metabolism. That’s my goal.
Random poll…how much do you care about having shaved legs for a full body massage?
I have a massage early this evening that is focused on the head, and I thought was all shoulders up, with a focus on the head. It’s a speciality massage I haven’t gotten before. I just went and re-read the description and noted that it includes a full body. I’m totally good with this, except I haven’t shaved my legs in a few weeks…. I’m contemplating if if I should leave a little early to try and rush shave or just go with it.
I would not care about this at all.
Ditto.
I prefer the feeling when freshly shaved. TBH if I hadn’t shaved for a few weeks, I would feel like the person was pulling my hair.
The oil should negate this feeling.
I’m sensitive to the feeling of the hairs being moved around, which happens even with oil.
They won’t care and it won’t make a difference with your massage. Last thing you want is to worry about irritated skin from shaving in a rush.
Same. I would rather not deal with any irritation from a rushed shaving job.
The massage therapist won’t care but I would. I don’t like hairy legs on myself.
I always shave my legs before a massage because I like the feel of shaved legs. But I do it for myself, not because I think the massage tech would care.
I don’t care, they’ve seen everything.
I wouldn’t care for a massage but I shave my legs every day, it’s so uncomfortable otherwise.
My skin is really sensitive and can’t take weird products or smells or manipulation after being shaved. I’d end up with a terrible rash. So no I wouldn’t shave right before a massage.
I enjoy the massage more when I’m fully shaved.
I recently had my first postpartum massage and had the same thought. But then I decided not to care. They didn’t like recoil in horror or anything- she didn’t comment on it. I figure they see a lot of different bodies and as long as you are reasonably clean and don’t smell it’s all good.
I really try to shave before hand, as a courtesy to the masseuse, but I also realize it is not necessary because I figure they have seen way worse if I come in with a little stubble.
This is not a courtesy that registers to them. Put your efforts elsewhere.
I always like how my legs feel against fabric/leg hair particularly bigger me on sheets, so I would shave because I would feel more relaxed/comfortable. But if it doesn’t bother you, don’t stress it!
Lol not at all. Hair on your body is normal. What’s not normal is people’s weird obsession with shaving and thinking having hair is unhygienic.
Zero.
Thanks friends for confirming this was not a big deal, and that it’s really more of a personal thing! Going to look forward to the massage without hesitation all afternoon now…is it 4pm yet?
None
don’t care but also lasered off most of my hair so there’s that. but it honestly never even occurred to me.
If you have a name that has a lot of variations or forms in different languages (Mary, Maria, Marie etc) do you mind being called the other forms? My name is like this and I don’t really, I know they mean me, but I think I’m in the minority on that.
Yes, very much, the other forms are not my name.
Sure, but do you honestly expect other people to bend over backwards to care?
I actually do think people should bend over backwards to get other people’s names right. I know I do.
I disagree. As someone with one of these names, I just don’t care and get annoyed by people who do.
Honestly, I care so little about people’s names that I don’t even try. All of my emails begin with Good morning! Greetings! Hello!
You two are very rude.
Yes, I expect people to get my name right.
I do not think it is “bending over backwards” to get someone’s name right. Where were you raised?
Trying to remember someone’s name, or maybe checking if you’re not sure, is bending over backwards? Come on now.
I bend over backward to get names right. It’s the polite thing to do.
I care a lot and only respond to my real legal name. I take the time to learn their names they can do the same.
Not exactly the same, but my name is one that has several common spellings, and I do not care one whit whether you ever spell it correctly in an email, on my Starbucks cup or at the dentist’s office. Spell it however you want. Like you, though, I suspect I am a minority.
I am with you! I am never offended by misspellings.
However, I would find it odd if someone called me Marie and my name was actually Mary.
I really don’t care in those in-passing situations. Or if someone at work gets it wrong a few times. If its regularly and I know for sure they know my name, I might eventually say something.
I think that is different though, and you know this. I also have a name that is commonly misspelled. And mispronounced. And while I don’t care if it is misspelled, I care a bit if it is mispronounced and would not be pleased if a co-worker/family/friend was constantly calling me the wrong name. Come on.
I give someone a pass if we just met and we’re talking in person. If we’ve met before then I’ll respond but think it’s rude. If this is via email or instant message with my name clearly visible…they don’t respect me. I’ll correct the person and think less of them.
It’s very likely that it is not the top 100 things they care about, true.
I’ll add that I work with international teams. It’s a bad look to continually mispronounce someone’s name, especially when there’s a racial or gender component. I’m careful to spell and pronounce names correctly.
A lot of people don’t think they need to be respectful
Your standard isn’t necessarily THE standard.
My name is Mary (for real). I care only when I have sustained interactions with the person. I think it’s reasonable to expect people who I deal with on a regular basis to get my name more or less correct. If we’re chatting on the bus, on the other hand, and you think my name is Maria, I don’t really care.
I very much go by the shortened version of my name – like Kate instead of Katherine – and my formal email signature and all my messages are signed “Kate.” There are two executives that go very firmly by nicknames and both of them insist on Katherine for me… no one else in the company seems to have this problem. I really wish I could start calling them by their full names that they dislike until they get the point, but don’t have the standing to do so.
Oh as a Kathryn that has never went by Kathryn, goes by Katie and occasionally Kate, that’d be annoying to me. The only thing worse would be someone trying to call me Kathy.
I feel like you could say “please call me Kate” over and over until it they feel stupid and you’d still just look like you were inviting them to be less formal rather than correcting their mistake.
I have a name with multiple variants. People call me all of them, or by my last name (because it’s a very common name that more than a few of us in the office share.) I don’t have a lot of patience for people who get super precious about their correct name. It’s just looking for something to be mad about.
I am not precious about my name (at all), but aren’t Maria and Mary totally different names? I wouldn’t be offended, but I do think it is weird for someone in your office to call you by the wrong name.
My grandma went by both depending on who she was around. Mary was for the anglicized crowd.
Don’t care at all. You can call me Bob for all I care.
Kind of related but my name has four million spellings so pretty much everyone gets it wrong. It only bothers me if it’s someone at work emailing me or messaging me on Teams and they misspell it. Dude, my name is right there!
My name and pronunciation don’t line up for native English speakers, and I’m not bothered by people pronouncing it the English way. Sometimes they misspell it, but it reveals that they pronounce it the right way in their head, so I always welcome the misspelling.
I have an unusual name – it’s a family name – and people never get it right unless I spell it for them. And sometimes even then. I don’t take offense if someone I’ve met once or twice gets it wrong. I also don’t take offense at good faith attempts to pronounce my name, especially if the person isn’t a native English speaker.
I do take offense to misspellings or misnamings that seem intentional or so careless as to be nearly intentional. Example: I have one opposing counsel who has misspelled my name at least 7 different ways but has never spelled it correctly in correspondence with me. He magically remembers how to spell my name — and calls me by my first name not Ms. Last, even though I call him Mr. Last and the clerks call us Ms/Mr — in correspondence with chambers. He’s a jerk in general so I think it’s intentional and I do take offense. I haven’t corrected him for a few reasons. One, I think he’s doing it to get under my skin and I don’t want him to know it’s working. Two, there’s a good chance our correspondence will be exhibits to the court and I don’t want to look petty by correcting him/ I do want him to look petty and stupid by not getting it right.
I can be petty and I would retaliate. I once knew a paralegal who truly despised one particular lawyer. This was back in the day when we mailed letters as the primary form of communication. She addressed every envelope to him as Firstname A. Lastname. His middle initial was not “A”. A stood for a-hole. He noticed, corrected her constantly, and she just smiled and said “of course” and then did it again next time.
I don’t care – I did a lot when I was younger but it doesn’t bother me. My name is frequently pronounced 2 ways in english, and differently in Spanish/French.
I have worked in several multilingual offices though, so it’s more like “French speaking colleagues call me Marie; English speakers call me Mary”. My name also has some sounds that are difficult/don’t exist in some languages, so I’ve also told people I’m fine with “M”.
I make a point of calling people whatever name they introduce themselves with, and paying attention to the pronunciation because I know it matters to some folks; but it just doesn’t matter to me personally. As long as you’re not calling the “the girl”.
My name is more like that. There are legitimately different spellings of it depending on the country, I don’t care which one you use
I honestly do not care what people call me and don’t really understand why people do care, but my dh cares very much, and is annoyed when people shorten his name to a common nickname. I’m super careful to never do that to him, even though I think the nickname fits him. So there are people are both sides of the coin.
my name is often mispronounced in that people read in a letter that isn’t there, even though it is pronounced phonetically. in an email or situation where someone has how to spell my name right in front of them, i expect them to spell it correctly. in fact, this is something my 3rd graders are learning right now, how to use what is right in front of them for how to find contextual clues to help with comprehension or to know how to spell something, at starbucks – who cares
That is my actual name, and no I don’t care if French people call me Marie
Do you care if an American colleague in your office calls you Marie though? I am intrigued by everyone here saying they don’t care if people call them by the correct name. Of course, if a stranger or a new person or even an acquaintance gets a name wrong I would not care, but I would find it so strange if someone I work with regularly or knew well called me by the wrong name.
In my neck of the woods, people are more likely to call me Maria, and it still doesn’t bother me. When I was little I hated my “boring” name and now I think it is such a gift to have a name that everyone knows and people all over the world have their own version of it
I don’t mind if it’s just my name in another language (like the speaker’s language).
oh i haaaaaate it. truly, hate it. there are very very different personalities even with the multiple spellings of my name. it always feels patronizing when someone picks a diminutive (it’s always some older man).
Mine doesn’t have lots of variations but there are other common names that sound like my name (like a Sara, Cara, Tara, etc.). Yes, I correct people because it’s my name. Why would I want to go by someone else’s name? Why would I want to misspell someone else’s name either?
I give far more grace to someone who is trying but just can’t quite get it right (or even consistently the same wrong thing) than I do to someone intentionally doing it wrong.
I think I’ve never been able to tell if someone is intentionally doing my name wrong.
It’s probably never happened.
Agree that it’s likely never happened to you. The handful of times my (very common, not easily messed up) name has been intentionally messed up, the stale pale male doing it has always made it very obvious he is doing it on purpose. If he doesn’t get a reaction from me he will keep doing it more and more ostentatiously.
That’s awful, like an adult school bully. I’m sorry this happens.
I think this depends on so many factors! My husband’s family calls me the variant of my name in their language, and it feels really sweet, like they’re affirming that I’m “in” with them (which is reflected in our relationships as well). I lived in another country where my name is really hard for speakers of that language to pronounce for a few years, and I was totally fine going by a variant of my name at work and with some friends. I think the fact that I was/am of the same race and religious background and and was generally accepted made a huge difference in how I feel about this, though.
I loved that my son’s preschool teachers called him all of the Spanish nicknames for his very old-fashioned English name.
I don’t really care about a different language equivalent or misspelling, but I do care if it’s a different name within my own language community.
Say my name is Ally.
Ali, Alee, Lee, etc – fine!
Sally, Molly, Polly, Allison – that’s not my name.
I really, really try to call people by the name they want me to use. I will ask, I will work on my pronunciation, I will spell it phonetically in my phone notes.
I feel embarrassed/ashamed that my high school friend group gave a completely unrelated nickname to an Indian-American girl in our group because she had a long, unfamiliar name (think Roger for Rajyalakshmi). She was always gracious about it and thought it was kind of funny (#the1990s) but I did apologize to her as an adult.