Thursday’s Workwear Report: Stretch Twill Classic Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A light blue blazer is one of those items in my closet that gets a shocking amount of wear, especially in the spring and summer months. It pairs beautifully with black, navy, or gray and looks a little brighter than the typical neutrals.
This stretch twill blazer from Banana Republic Factory has a great cut that can be worn with trousers, skirts, or dresses at an under-$100 price point that is hard to beat.
The blazer is $96 at Banana Republic Factory — with an extra 25% off at checkout making it $72 — and comes in sizes 0-18.
Some of the best blazers for women in 2025 — great for wearing as separates! — include options from Cinq à Sept, J.Crew (collarless and collared), Everlane, and Madewell. Hunting for a deal? Check out J.Crew Factory and Amazon (Cicy Bell, The Drop).
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
I am lucky enough to have my own bathroom in my office but the light in it is really awful; a fluorescent overhead that is somehow really dim so it’s both unflattering and very dark. I don’t think I can add anything permanent, and don’t really want to, but there is a wall plug and I was wondering if maybe there is something that I can plug in light a really bright nightlight that would make the lighting situation a little less depressing. Does something like this exist? Any recommendations?
There’s a lot of rechargeable lights out there, I’d look for those over a nightlight.
I see Poplights all over insta, not sure if they live up to the hype but they look good.
I’m not being snarky when I suggest googling “plug in nightlight” and “plug in sconce” – I just did that and there are so many good options and quite a variety.
This would be my pick, albeit perhaps it’s not going to be for everyone –
https://twinklingtree.com/products/enchanted-willow-vine?gc_id=16200099777&g_special_campaign=true&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAByEl6SaSvwRiGx_59Yd0ZpPC3XBf&gclid=CjwKCAiArKW-BhAzEiwAZhWsIKeQ4_QU4Gv99PkRg4aoYq4jciGvWoLi7Al_tyM2Q7rSKaqBZtxXiRoCxuQQAvD_BwE
oh and I suggest putting it on a plug in timer that you set with an app, and create a schedule so it’s on when you are in the office. All of my office lamps are on programmed timers and it’s a simple cheap upgrade that’s so nice.
Why would you want the bathroom light on unless you’re in the bathroom? That just seems weird (who wants to put emphasis on their bathroom?) and wasteful.
My thought was that you’re not going to plug a light in and out every time you use the bathroom, and OP is wanting to have that space nicely lit. A nightlight is on all the time. But alternately, put it on a motion activated plug. They’re about $30.
There are night lights with switches.
Is it always more wasteful to leave lights on than to toggle them on and off all the time? I’m against random light pollution, but I thought the bulbs wore out faster if turned on and off frequently and that they use very little energy these days.
With LEDs, there’s no effect on the bulb to turning them on and off. They are energy efficient, but it’s still pure waste to leave them on when you don’t need them (and just weird to want your bathroom highlighted all day long). For CFLs, the guideline was turn them off if you’ll be out of the room for more than 15 minutes. Anything else should also be turned off immediately because it is truly wasteful.
There are lots of plug-in sconces if you search that term – all it takes is two small screw holes, so not really different than hanging art.
Odd request. Does anyone have a favorite pair of tweezers? I had the most amazing, well worn pair from literally decades ago that I left behind in a hotel. So far I’m underwhelmed. I keep finding that the pincer part doesn’t get a good grip, or in the case of the one Tweezerman set I used, it was so sharp(?) it ended up cutting the hair and not pulling it.
This is primarily for eyebrow pruning and miscellaneous facial hair (PCOS…) removal. Any recs before I order a handful more?
I’d try the not pointy ended tweezermans, I think the point is sharp but the flat end works great.
Tweezerman is the best. Get the kind that are flat at the end, not pointed.
+1 love my chisel-tip tweezerman tweezers
+1.
For me, even that style cuts the hair instead of plucking it. You need a thicker tip.
I just got a new Tweezerman slant tip tweezer and it sliced the hair right off. Just last night.
+5 for chisel-tip Tweezerman.
I like Revlon. I also have a set from Jessica Simpson, well at least licensed to her name. One is very narrow and one is slanted tip thicker.
Same as to Revlon blunt end. It seems counterintuitive but I get much better purchase using these. Super cheap, as well, though increasingly less available except online.
+2
+3 to Revlon, that’s the kind I’ve been using forever. All other tweezers I’ve tried have been too sharp.
Same here! I love my Revlon tweezers.
Also I literally laughed out loud how OP says explicitly a certain brand didn’t work for her and 75% of yall recommended that brand anyway.
Tweezerman makes different styles. There’s one that’s almost a needle that is REALLY pointy. For all we know, that’s the kind the OP tried…
She didn’t say an entire brand didn’t work for her, she said it was one set.
I similarly was not a fan of the Tweezerman style of tweezers.
I have since fully embraced the Tinkle facial razors, which I use for the facial hairs, and with practice, use them for my brows too. You have to be very careful with your brows though. It’s my alternative to waxing, which my skin cannot tolerate. Just love it.
I just have a really cheap old pair of tweezers from the drug store that I use for the odd stray hair I can’t safely get with the razor.
Positive update post – I posted not long ago about our dilemma in whether to move forward with scheduling cataract surgery for an elderly family member with dementia who didn’t seem to fully understand the surgery. I’m happy to report that with extensive support from her social worker, additional night nurses we hired to ensure compliance with the pre-op, and the caregiving staff at her assisted living community, we were able to not only explain the surgery and help her see the benefits, but get her through the two surgical days AND the recovery without a hitch. It was a complete success, she reported ZERO pain, and her vision improved to the point where she doesn’t need glasses at all. Now she’s sending the most delightful emails – “I have young eyes again!” and “the only thing that went wrong is that they didn’t give me the blue eyes I always wanted!” If anyone is ever in a similar situation, throw as much money as you can at caregiving support; it made ALL the difference for the logistics and it also helped her understand the surgery better because she hears advice/suggestions better from non-family.
Awesome, so glad this went well and hope your relative enjoys the “new” sights!
This is a wonderful update. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this update! I’m so glad the caregiving support made the difference.
Thank you for sharing this, it’s wonderful news, and I’m so happy for her and your family!
Aw, this is great! <3
That’s such a great update. Thank you for sharing!
that’s awesome! thank you for the update!
If anyone is looking to spend less time on social media, I just want to put in a plug for bird buddy. It’s a bird feeder with a camera, and even though I live in the city we get a surprising variety of birds, and the pics and videos are really fun to watch, it’s become a whole family activity. And I can spend a surprisingly long time reviewing and organizing all of it at night, which kind of scratches my scrolling itch. It’s been my go to instead of instagram.
We put our back door security camera in a place where it can alert us to anyone approaching the door but also to any bird approaching the back bird feeder. It’s been fun!
The Merlin app is fun for identifying any mystery birds, but I just discovered it can also identify birds by sound. It’s well designed in that it “lights up” when it hears a specific bird to help you single them out even if it’s dozens of birds singing all at once. Sometimes it IDs a bird by sound before I spot it by sight.
ooh this would be a great gift for my parents
I struggle with layering. If you wear this blazer, do you go with a plain solid shell underneath? I miss suits because I had very plain suiting so I could have a bold blouse game. It’s not warm enough most of the year for just a blouse, so I struggle to use them in a lady jacket / lore detailed blazer world.
this IS plain. Easiest would be printed tops with a white base and summery color patterns. Gingham or stripes come to mind first.
I think the plain suit/bold top look is a little outdated. Nothing wrong with it, if that’s your thing, but not as current. I would do a monochrome look with a similar light blue top and matching pants. See the Princess of Wales for professional looks that are all one colour.
OP here and I get that. I’m just trying to figure out how to use pieces I like and already have with different jackets. Maybe things won’t work (too much sleeve volume). I am caught between trying to make things work and realizing I need to show for outfits and not just for items. Ugh. I feel like I’ve been shopping my adult working life and it will never end. A closet of clothes and nothing to wear.
Use your existing top and pair with a current pair of pants and you will be fine.
Suits are very very back, fwiw. Styled a little more casually these days, but the women in my office, including me, are all wearing them regularly in an otherwise casual environment.
Agree. I am at a large, international conference on Security and Defence and while I am in uniform, 95% of the women are in suits or coordinating jacket and trousers/skirts. Same for men. And two men have cravats on instead of ties, which is delightfully smart!
I’ll often wear a blazer like this with a simple top underneath, and potentially a pendant necklace or other interesting necklace. (Not the “statement necklace” of the teens, but sometimes like a 1970’s vintage piece.) I know pendants are out, but you can pry them from my cold dead hands. Also, I’m in the midwest, and work in a very not fashion forward state court, so I tend to be one of the more put together women at work.
I struggle with this too and am about to refresh all of my under-blazer tops. Anyone have favorites to recommend? I like short sleeve shells (nothing with buttons) that are available online. I’ve had several in the past from Boden that were workhorses but they feel dated now, and I’m not in love with their current offerings.
It doesn’t get much plainer than this blazer . . .
Has anyone had genetic testing and gotten a homozygous MTHFR gene (worth a chuckle, but it’s a thing that can affect folate and how you metabolize some meds)? I think there is some unsettled science there but it doesn’t seem to be a bunch of woo or junk. Kiddo has severe ADHD and not amount of meds trialing or help from doctors including psychiatrists has moved the needle after a decade of trying.
If you learned the genetic information, would it affect treatment options for your kid?
It doesn’t, really. I’ve got the gene mutation and ADHD. The advice the memorial sloan kettering genetic counselor gave me was basically to take more folate and advise my rheumatologist. I already had two pregnancies where pre-natal vitamins and regular screenings took care of any neo-natal side effects. There is no particular impact on my meds though I do notice slightly less brain fog with the folate supplement.
If it won’t affect your son’s treatment options, what would you like to gain from the genetic information?
Yes, though I feel it wasn’t super important to get the testing done, since the only outcome for me was taking methylfolate for PMDD, which would have been safe to do on a “try and see” basis. But my result might also explain why I get such a strong energy boost from vitamin B2 since apparently B2 can help compensate.
There is a lot of woo surrounding it, and often a knee jerk reaction against all that, but discourse doesn’t cancel out the legitimate and ongoing science. I do avoid Tylenol since lower glutathione means a lower toxicity threshold (and Tylenol’s toxicity threshold is not that hard to approach as OTCs go). If I were someone who ever even noticed pain relief from Tylenol, maybe I’d ask a doctor or pharmacist about taking NAC alongside it as a way of trying to raise that toxicity threshold.
I always recommend All Brains Belong as a resource on ADHD medical comorbidities.
Has your child had a brain MRI? It turns out my severely ADHD kid has a frontal lobe lesion and the effects of this won’t be overcome by medication.
This is a good point. My AuDHD kid has migraines but they did do an MRI first to make sure the vague ‘my head hurts and I feel dizzy and nauseated’ symptoms weren’t anything more serious.
Absent head trauma, how would a kid have any frontal lobe lesions?
It’s congenital, meaning he was born with it, possibly a random mutation.
ADHD meds have pros and cons, but statistically one of them should at least move the needle for ADHD if someone really has it. I’d want a lot of work up to make sure they got the diagnosis right if psychiatrists are having no luck. There are sleep disorders, inborn errors of metabolism, autoimmune conditions, etc. that can mimic or exacerbate ADHD.
OP here and we’ve done a ton of testing and everyone is certain that it’s ADHD. “Driven as if by a motor” and impulsivity. Classic ADHD.
I understand, but ADHD isn’t always just ADHD. There’s some reason the treatments aren’t working, and a psychiatrist isn’t qualified to do a complete work up.
I have a rare genetic condition that greatly increases risk of ADHD because of how it affects neurotransmitters, but it’s treated with enzyme replacement therapy. This condition runs in my family, and so far literally every pediatrician missed it even though it shows on labs, let alone every psychiatrist. I doubt your kid has this condition because it’s rare, but there are many other conditions that are linked to ADHD but treated a little differently that aren’t really on generalists’ radar.
Even if symptoms are classic ADHD, not responding to treatment is not. I guess I agree it’s time to cast a wider net one way or another. ADDitude magazine should have some pieces on MTHFR if it’s something you want to ask the psychiatrist about.
Would you be willing to explain this enzyme replacement therapy and/or the genetic mutation a bit more. I suspect we are headed down a similar path for my son.
Yes, unfortunately some of us with ADHD just don’t respond well to meds. So while I agree that it’s important to make sure it actually is ADHD and not some other medical issue (which it sounds like OP has done), it is possible to have ADHD and get little to no help from any medication.
I just want to be clear that the work up for other medical issues can get quite specialized. In research where they dot their i’s and cross their t’s, it’s unusual for people not to respond to any meds; if it’s more common outside of research, it may be that doctors are missing things they aren’t testing for.
It’s also true that we don’t seem to have a clear go-to med for ADHD of the central cholinergic deficit subtype currently though we probably will soon.
Thanks to those above who have provided additional comments on ADHD not responding to meds and the extent of testing necessary to rule out other issues. I learned something and plan to have a conversation with my psychiatrist at my next appointment!
Yes– it came up when I did a clotting panel. I have a clotting disorder + MTHFR. It was relevant during pregnancy because your body cannot metabolize folate, so I had to make sure my prenatal included methylfolate. If this is something you are worried about– you can try to make sure your son takes a vitamin with methylfolate… but not sure what else there is to do.
There are a lot of woo people that will go on about MTHFR, but I started taking methylated folate because MTHFR and folate deficiency have been linked to hypermobility, which I have along with the gene. Interestingly, hypermobility is also associated with ADHD. Do I know if this actually does anything for me, nope, but there’s not really a downside to taking it.
i’m assuming yes, but have you tried combination therapy? just wanted to check.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-medication-combination-therapy-treatment/?srsltid=AfmBOooYee0-y9NPvKbFWqL7IW-sRZFwh0r0VDDtqdBw3Rf6vr–zpKz
i ask because the cons outweighed the pros for many many stimulants for my AuDHD kid, namely stomach pain. nonstimulants moved the needle more (guanfacine), and now we’re doing vyvanse, which is supposed to be less stomach pain. addressing his anxiety has also been huge — hydroxyzine is like benadryl for the brain and you can add/remove easily if your kid is more/less anxious; that is now probably our preferred drug.
Yep, I should get better about taking my methyl vitamins because I have the double MTHFR. Many of the documented effects are cumulative multifactorial disorders that I would really like to avoid in old age. But like many long-term benefits, it’s tricky to remember every day.
We have these mutations in my family. When my father first saw a geriatric psychiatrist, the doctor put him on Deplin (L-methylfolate). My Dad was put on other psych meds too. He got better.
I take methotrexate now which depletes my folate. My rheumatologist doesn’t know anything about these gene mutations and just wrote me a script for folate, which every methotrexate patient takes. But I knew I should use the methylated form instead. She said “sure”. Seems to be working well
How long after starting a workout practice will it stop sucking? I took a year off of working out after I had a baby and I’m such a grump to everyone for the next two days. It almost makes me not want to work out.
If that’s happening, you’re going too hard. You need to start REALLY easy, like 10 squats total easy or jogging as slow as possible while still technically moving forward.
+1
My very first and foremost thought is I think you need to find a different style of workout if you’re very grumpy afterwards. There are so many ways to workout and move your body, it’s not something that has to feel like a punishment. For me at least 50% of the point of working out is the mental benefits, and you’re losing that if you’re putting yourself through punishing workouts that you don’t like and make to you too sore afterwards.
If it’s DOMS muscle soreness that’s making you grumpy, back off if it’s extreme can’t move. I like a small amount of DOMS in the days following a workout (proves that I did something, and I just like a little soreness), but I calibrate my weights/reps to not have the DOMS level where it hurts to move or do anything. And stretching afterwards really truly does help.
Without specifics on the type of workout, it’s hard to offer any specific advice. All that said, generally I think it stops sucking / you get used to DOMS about 1-3 months after a consistent practice.
One more suggestion – make sure you’re drinking water during the workout. I really aren’t one for a lot of supplements, but I am convinced that my mixture of electrolytes + EAAs in water prevents DOMS.
*I really AM NOT one for a lot…
I second the notion that if you don’t enjoy your workout you should change it. Either ease off difficulty or do something wise that you’ll enjoy more.
I hate the gym, but I’ll do it and feel good about it if it’s getting me over some sorry of hump in my fun activities (hiking, rock climbing, playing with my toddler, etc.) because then it’s not done form of torture in the service of an abstract and arbitrary goal.
When this happens to me it means I need to eat more protein right after I’m done working out.
Give it about a month. I don’t have a lot of patience for a slow start, personally. I want to hurt. Embrace it. Stretching first thing in the morning and a couple times a day helps with the next day (and 2 day later) pains. Don’t miss stretching the bottom of your feet!
Do something you enjoy. Life is too short. Going for a walk counts. Listen to a good podcast on the elliptical. Get a chair massage afterwards as a reward, if you belong to Planet Fitness or similar, Try a workout DVD or video that isn’t too crazy hard, like one from Jessica Smith.
I am sorry to report that it took me about six months of serious effort to feel like I wasn’t very out of shape postpartum. Per my physical therapist, it takes six weeks minimum to see improvement. So give it six weeks or maybe switch what you’re doing if it makes you truly miserable. You can still build strength with less intense exercise.
3 to 4 weeks for me.
Do you mean muscle soreness or regaining fitness? I find DOMS goes away in just a week or two. That’s the kind of thing that would make me grumpy for a day or two, but I’m not sure from your post what part of working out is causing that for you.
I started a new role ~3 months ago at a new company, and my supervisor is really struggling. He started shortly after I did, but has struggled to get up to speed, is dumping work downward, and is just not “getting it”. I’m in a very up or out industry.
My question is – how do I leave the stress of this at work? I’ve had conversations with my skip level supervisor and others on the team that make it clear they know it’s not on me. I struggle with our team producing such poor work – letting him “fail” if you will. It’s created a ton of stress in my life generally – I feel like I’m always on edge in meetings and having to be “perfect” given the teamlet is struggling so much.
YMMV but for me getting out of bad stress mode requires getting into good stress mode, rather than just trying to relax – like keeping my running shoes in the car for a hard after work run resets me way more than eg an after-work bubble bath or meditation
This is great advice. DH and I walk a lot after work (not always together, depends on schedule), especially when it’s stressful. I’ll often set a timer for 30-45 minutes and make myself walk until it goes off.
Focus on what you can control and build genuine relationships well beyond your boss (not just trash talking him but letting other people know you and your expertise where possible).
Do NOT give negative feedback to your boss thinking you can change him. Do not be the messenger. Do not be the go-between either.
Treat your job like a transaction. I have to do this to get y, so it feels less personal or existential. And hang in there.
When I had a really rough job some things that helped a lot were writing down what I had left to do and any thoughts of the day so I felt comfortable that I wasn’t forgetting anything, and then literally conditioning myself to not think about work after. For a little while every time I thought about work I had a phrase like “no thinking about work”. It may seem like a lot but it was extremely effective.
Also make the work/life boundary very clear. Change your clothes immediately after. Exercise is a good differentiator. Have a specific tea.
Braindumps help me compartmentalize — you should probably be documenting everything hes doing anyways. Two birds with one stone?
I found yesterday’s synesthesia thread so interesting but so unrelatable! It made me think of my own brain quirks, and I wondered if anyone else feels the same? In my head, I don’t see the months as colors or positions on a clock, I usually just picture my work or my personal calendar – literally, I just call up the last/most recent image in my mind catalogue of that thing and I can see all the dates and appointments. I don’t think it’s a photographic memory, more like a particular knack for numbers? (Is it relevant that these are handwritten calendars?) Though I can also call up pictures of things in my mind pretty easily. Not pages of books that I could read later after looking at them once, more like sentences or headlines or transcripts (or the transcript I visualize when people are speaking). I have always been able to recall specific dates of random moments going years back, I think it’s because of how I see the dates on my brain calendar relating to each other, and also the shapes of the numbers on the page? I’ve also always been able to remember strings of numbers for a long time even if I only cross them once. If I hear a phone number once or twice and I’m thinking about it, I can usually commit it to memory pretty easily. I have a couple of credit card numbers memorized. My work involves case docket numbers and I can remember many numbers from most cases pretty easily- mine and others I’m following. All of this memory involves picturing the number in a place I saw it before, like my computer screen or the file folder itself or my own notation of the number somewhere, or the imprint on my credit card. I’m also not a math person (flamed out at trigonometry in high school) and I lean into the jokes about lawyers not knowing complex math, so it’s not that I’m wired to understand numbers. Am I alone?
These threads are so fascinating. I don’t have an eidetic memory, but I can recall where text is on a page and jump to it in my outlines. I don’t have an internal narrator, I have an internal metronome ticking off time. And a major earworm, currently delivering a sappy 60s hit.
It was a fascinating read! But I have none of those. I do, however, have a sixth sense of emotionally feeling people – it’s like my heart “reads” someone the same way your hand picks up an orange and feels the dimpled skin or your eyes notice a person’s red hair. It happens instantaneously, just like the sense of touch or the sense of sight. It didn’t happen to me until later in life, but it’s been about a decade now and is so ingrained I forget that I didn’t always have it.
I don’t have a photographic memory, but I do have the sense of “reading” my notes in my head. When I was in college, I typed my notes almost verbatim as the professor lectured. Then I would just read them in my head during the exam. I never really looked at them again, but since I typed them, I could see them on the page in my head.
This is a blessing and a curse, because it means that if I didn’t take something down as a note, I didn’t have it in my head. I can’t do this trick with reading materials, so while I would read the assigned pages, I wouldn’t commit it to memory in the same way.
But my ability to quote my own notes in terms of where something is on the page, how it’s worded, and then basically reading it out of my head during the test was helpful.
Help! What should I wear on a date to a sporting event that is partly outdoors and it’s going to be 40 degrees? I’m thinking skinny jeans and heeled boots, but what on top – “date night” skimpy top with a puffy coat on top? More robust sweater but then I don’t have to waddle around in a thick jacket the whole time?
Leave the skimpy tops behind. I like your second instinct: a cute cashmere or merino sweater with a sleek jacket for warmth. 40 degrees is cold and if there’s any wind it’s brutal.
+1
Help again, what is an on-trend sleek jacket? I have like, puffer coats and then like thigh length wool coats?
Leather
Are you going on a date with Mr. Red Flag?
Yes :)
Ugh girl.
Nooooooo!!!!
In that case I’d recommend comfortable shoes you can wear while running far, far away from this disastrous waste of time
Hahahaha.
Nicely done.
Isn’t the point of dating someone you’re never going to be serious with that you don’t have to make an extra effort to please them (because it won’t matter in the long run)?
Ummm, no. It is to please them so you get out of it the thing you are still in it for now.
Wow. I’ve certainly never worked so hard to get laid.
You’ve never picked out a flattering top?
@5:38 she’s posted many times about these date night tops. No date night top is gonna cure what ails her.
Literally could not be more correct 6:58
Jeans, flat comfortable boots, a warm sweater, a coat, and a hat scarf mittens. Dress for the event.
This, exactly, dress for the event and just do your hair and makeup if you’re so inclined. I’d do sneakers, jeans, a cute sweatshirt and puffer coat.
Good call, I’ll stash a hat and gloves in my bag, hadn’t thought of that but I’ll want to have them if I need them
jeans and heels sounds like courtside seats at a basketball game, too prissy for a stadium. I’d go nice sneakers, flared jeans, and cute but practical on top.
40 degrees and sitting at a sporting event is COLD. Trust me, I’ve sat through plenty of games in that weather. Wear a cute long sleeved tight thermal, jeans and a proper coat. Gloves wouldn’t be out of the question.
can you bring a blanket to put across your lap/legs? and yes you can cuddle under the blanket with RF if you want to.
RF! /cry laughing emoji
Lose the heeled boots. Flat boots will work, and heeled boots at a sporting event look try-hard and silly. Wear the jeans with a nice cozy sweater, and your puffer jacket witha scarf and gloves. Bring a hat in case you need it, even if you hate hats.
Is there a point where pick eating is disordered eating? My eight year old is really picky, in the typical way that kids are. Basically he eats peanut butter and jelly, pizza, bagels, chicken fingers, Mac and cheese, cereal, ect. He’s also big on raw fruits snd vegetables and string cheese so I feel like it’s not the worst diet as far as kids go. The thing that bothers me is that when we ask him to try new foods he becomes so upset that he sobs. He also cries when we eat certain foods around him. He takes disappointments and the ups and downs from everyday life in stride so it’s concerning to me that he gets so upset about this. He’s otherwise very laid back. We’ve never forced him to eat anything so I’m confused as to why he gets so upset about this. When I talk to him about it I don’t get any information except that he gets emotional and he just says the new food is gross. I’m less concerned about his actual nutrition and more concerned about why this is so upsetting to him. I’m thinking of asking the guidance counselor who specializes in eating disorders at his school to meet with us. Any thoughts?
Sounds like ARFID to me. He should not be reacting to the food of others though….
Could this be ARFID? Feels like your pediatrician could make a good initial assessment and referral, bit YMMV.
The Eating Instinct by Virginia Sole-Smith was an eye-opening read about the human relationship with food and wanting to eat, driven by the author’s journey dealing with her kid’s arfid.
+1 to looking into ARFID. My kid has it and while it is an ‘eating disorder’ it isn’t tied to weight or ‘control’ in the same way that other eating disorders are. And the usual ‘just expose them to different foods! they’ll eat when they’re hungry enough!’ advice doesn’t work.
Your kids brain/body literally views many foods as unsafe to the point where they would rather starve and/or throw up if forced to eat the unsafe food.
Even being around the unsafe food is distressing/hard as the smell and sight of the food for them is akin to watching someone eat insects/vomit/feces (sorry, gross, but gives you the same visceral reaction to help you understand why they won’t just ‘get over it’.)
This runs in my family. We have family members on the autism spectrum, but they aren’t necessarily the picky eaters. If broccoli or cauliflower is on her plate, my mother will refuse to eat anything from the plate, even if nothing is touching. She’s got a lot of other eating quirks too. My late-middle-age brother has a very, very limited, repetitive diet heavy on the white rice, pasta, and only a few vegetables and proteins. One of my children had very similar restrictions to my brother, but grew out of it in his late teens and now eats almost everything. All of these people are actually healthy.
I would not fixate on the words “eating disorder” as long as your child is healthy. He can be taught through social skills training to behave appropriately around others’ food. I would not get an eating disorders specialist involved.
The broccoli/cauliflower aversion could be the supertaster gene.
I wonder what he means by “gross.” Does it smell gross? Some kids are “super tasters.” I know I had a lot of low level nausea as a child that I didn’t have a name for, and smells were really overwhelming to me when it flared up that nausea, though I didn’t mind tasting new foods that seemed appealing.
My youngest sister had the issue with tasting new foods. She’d cry and also actually throw up just from thinking about it! If it’s any consolation, while she still has preferences, she’s now fabulous at cooking, eats something from every cuisine, and enjoys trying new foods when she travels as an adult.
+1 – super tasters and/or folks with migraines/nausea are often very sensitive to smells.
I was ‘picky’ as a kid, but in reality my mom and her family were bad cooks and the food I was served was pretty gross though edible. I was fine with packaged food (anything frozen or out of a box), plain food (cereal, toast, stovetop, rice r roni) OR good home cooking. I was fine eating out or at friend’s house’s much to my mother’s dismay. I started cooking early and have always preferred being able to control my menu/food.
Yeah, I was called “picky” as a kid, but it turned out that I just didn’t like dry, leathery, tasteless food. My parents and relatives actually made fun of me for eagerly devouring salads, sauces, strong cheeses, and highly seasoned foods, which picky kids typically don’t like. As soon as I was out of the house and had access to a variety of foods instead of my parents’ typical rotation of dry leathery chicken or steak, dry baked potato or instant mashed potatoes, and overcooked frozen veg, I realized it wasn’t a me problem.
I don’t think this is your problem OP, but I know so many kids in this situation. I’ve watched their parents feed them spoiled sausage, undercooked pizza dough, or runny Mac n Cheese and then lose their temper when the kid resists. I wish I knew what to do since there’s no nice way to tell your friends the food is off
Thank you! I think got little sensitive reading this thinking people were suggesting I’m a horrible cook. Rereading I don’t think anyone was, just relying their experiences. Anyway my friend and family like my cooking and kiddo will not try my dad’s cooking, which is regarded as amazing, or food in good restaurants so I’m reassuring myself it’s not this.
I’m taking this all to heart but still struggling. If he’s a super taster or highly sensitive why don’t other smells bother him? He seems genuinely unaware of a stinky bathroom or low tide unless someone else comments. He’s never had a migraine or complained of a headache. The food that makes him cry when we order it is sushi rolls and I promise that’s just some salmon cucumber that really doesn’t smell much at all. He’s fine when my dad has nova lox which I think has more of a smell. Not asking anyone to have the answers and obviously I’ll educate myself but I’m just thinking aloud here. Anyway thanks all!
Start with your pediatrician, and press on until you get someone who can diagnose and explain this to you so you know how to help. The usual advice can really backfire when there is a real difference in how your child is experiencing odors and textures.
Yeah, given that the things he will eat are reasonably varied, I wouldn’t worry about that. But crying about what other people are eating? At age 8? I would be very concerned about that.
Is he crying when others eat it because he’s worried about being pressured to try it?
It seems like he has a pretty reasonably wide diet at the moment and I wouldn’t worry.
I say something like ‘you’re probably not going to like it because usually it’s a grown up food so I’m making xyz safe food as a back up. I’ll eat whatever you don’t want’. Back up food is related to main food so it’s not like making multiple meals and we limit new meals to every second week. That’s gotten my kids to try things like pad thai, ratatouille and stuffed zucchini flowers. The reality is that kids these days are exposed to a much wider variety of foods much earlier than many of us were as kids.
I was your classic extremely picky eater who lived off of peanut butter. I never cried though, for me it was a texture thing so I would gag when forced to try new foods. I wish my parents had gotten me help at an early age. It wasn’t until my 20s that I started trying new foods.
Wow this is exactly my experience! I lived on oatmeal as a kid. I started to try new things in college, but even now in my late 40s I won’t eat sandwiches, ground meat, or foods where certain textures touch each other. I’m not autistic, just picky. OP, I would encourage your kid to try new things, but don’t force the issue! I would also gag and throw up when my parents made me eat certain foods.
he could have sensory processing disorder and the smells are overwhelming to him. anytime i even open the kimchi container we have to run the fan for an hour.
with my picky eater I ask him to take a lick, and then thank him for trying it. we’ve gotten some new foods in that way. if we go to an event with a lot of strange foods (e.g., thanksgiving buffet) we negotiate ahead of time how many new foods he has to have licks of.
i also try to give him a variety of foods he likes, namely candy – not sure how much it’s doing but i do feel like it helps keep his views toward food a bit fluid.
Generally good advice is, if you’re wondering in XYZ kid behavior raises to the level of “would benefit from professional attention”, raising it with the pediatrician is always a reasonable idea (you could write the office an email ahead of time, so you can describe your observations and concerns without worrying about what your kid is hearing)
For what it’s worth – I remember feeling a sense of intense revulsion to some foods as a kid – even ones I’d previously eaten and even ones other people were eating, and it really was a deep physical sense of revulsion+nausea, not an emotional thing. It went away around puberty and I eat and enjoy basically anything now. Brains do weird things when they’re developing.
Fed in DC here. My job and husband’s job is most likely safe. My current fear is the economic downturn coming for DC, specifically with so many jobs being cut or moved. If you had to option to move to another city, would you? It would be a totally different life for my family (two kids), but would it be worth it?
Heck, I’m thinking of moving to Britain because I’m a citizen by birth, even though I never lived there other than as a baby. It would be a huge upheaval for my family. I’m waiting to see what happens but you should keep your options open.
Until Citizens United is overturned I think there will be enough money sloshing around the DMV that things won’t totally tank, but strong caveat, the future seems VERY hard to predict right now.
Fed here, also likely safe and I grapple with this question daily. I think the next couple of years will be pretty bumpy for the DC economy but it should stabilize, and at some point the government spigot will turn back on and it will be a firehose.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d likely leave. But I genuinely like my job and my team, and my kids are pretty entrenched here, and I don’t want to find another job (I can’t do my job remotely). Also at this point by the time we got our house ready to sell I expect the market will be flooded.
Also in DC, married to a fed, and I agree with this take. I also like living here and don’t want to move- the only real option would be my conservative hometown where the kids chant MAGA on the school bus, which is just a non starter.
“at some point the government spigot will turn back on and it will be a firehose”
Do you understand how this sounds to people who aren’t in DC?
? I’m not in DC
It sounds like an economic cycle.
It sounds like Washington DC post-New Deal during FDR with all the jobs and housing being built, or in the late 1990s / early 2000s with the growth in defense contractors in the Virginia suburbs.
Everything is a cycle. Even manhattan real estate goes up and down
Are you getting at the point that this sounds like grift and bloat?
Really, it means essential government services are going to get slashed to the detriment of everyone, and (hopefully) they will need to be built back up in four years.
My middle schooler is learning about The Common Good in history/social studies right now and I was looking through his classwork the other day and was just struck by how many people have forgotten what the purpose of government is. Are there inefficiencies? Sure. Let’s talk about that. Let’s have a reasonable debate about what’s desirable for foreign aid, regulation, R&D, and a social safety net, given the tax levels that people are willing to pay. But the government DOES serve a purpose for all of us, and slashing and burning is not the way to success. My 6th grader can grasp that The Common Good is a different goal than Shareholder Value, why can’t adults?
/rant
nesting fail, I agree with you, Anon at 12:55
It will be a firehose because right now you have thousands of people who are idle! The core fact is, there are a ton of government services that people have come to expect. Weather forecasting, civil engineering, regulatory updates, medical research… just to name a few of a very long list!
I don’t mean a firehose in that it will be an expansion from the current governmental footprint. But right now the funds have stopped, and at some point they will flow again, all at once. Much like how after 9/11 all of the defense contractors got a lot of work because that’s where the national priorities were at the time. At some point, I hope, governmental services will be a priority again and we can put all the smart people back to work.
This is my take too. DH is a fed, I’m currently looking after being laid off last year, and family in lower COL areas are starting to hint we could move… but I love my neighborhood, we have friends and a life here, and I think (hope) this will be a blip.
5 of the 7 richest counties in the United States are in the DC metro area.
You might stop to consider reality before doing anything more than emoting online.
While I don’t support the approach of Trump/Musk/DOGE, I would also suggest that having wealth skewed this way is a big reason why many do.
It’s skewed that way because highly educated people move to the area from all over the country to work for the government. You know, because we want highly educated people working for the government? At least, we used to. Not so much anymore.
A lot of that money is lobbyists and lawyers and related professionals, plus defense contractors, some diplomats. Government work is stable and generally above the median but it does not account for the outsized wealth in the area.
+1
Most government workers are not wealthy.
Not to be all “well actually” but that stat is about the highest income earning counties. The top for 2020 is a Virginia county with an average HHI of under $150K. The area also has a very high concentration of people with advanced degrees. Shouldn’t that be correlated? And don’t you want people who are experts in their field working for the government?
NoVa is wealthy due to the wars in the Middle East and Afghanistan. We wasted A LOT of money and private government contractors made a lot of it.
Thank you.
DC area here but not a fed. I love the area but have toyed with the same question. I’m staying put for now, but who knows what the next few years will bring. If I move, I’d prefer to move outside of the US, but that seems unlikely since I’m monolingual, have no easy pathway to citizenship elsewhere, and don’t have a work background that will be in high demand elsewhere.
Honestly. People have actually problems. Without dealing with your anxiety that them losing their jobs will somehow impact you. Get a grip.
No one can answer this for you. We don’t know your support system in either place or whether you can work remotely or easily find a new job in the unspecified other city. And none of us have a crystal ball to know what will happen to your area in the future.
My husband has a milestone birthday coming up, and our five year old wants to buy him “jewelry.” He does not wear jewelry. Any clever ideas for a present?
Maybe a lapel pin?
Awww! I remember “buying” my mom drop earrings with horses painted on them – she doesn’t have pierced ears :)
A watch for your husband seems the most obvious. Or maybe a couple silicone rings if he works out?
Could a tie be a “necklace”?
Sounds like it’s time for a visit to the craft store to make Dad a necklace out of the sparkliest beads you can find there. :)
This sounds like a great way to go. Is dad a big sports fan? Their color beads, and maybe he could wear the beads when watching his favorite team play.
Love this idea.
Does he have a sport watch? I am really fond of my Apple watch, and you could “go in” on the gift, or your child could “give” an additional band.
Would he wear a bolo tie? I gave my boyfriend handmade one from Etsy last Christmas and it was a hit.
Tie clip?
Key ring? I think I agree with the sparkly necklace person though, I would do something inexpensive and fun that your husband can be like ‘my kid picked it for my birthday’ and it will be cute, rather than something he has to make an effort to genuinely use when he’s not into it.
A friendship bracelet! They can have matching ones.
This is very sweet.
there are places on etsy where you can turn a child’s drawing into something silver, like a keyring (or pendant) – we’ve also done that for baby feet images.
you might also be able to find a spot to do like a leather bracelet that you stamp yourself with a design
Aw, that’s so sweet. Ideas: a watch (doesn’t have to be fancy); cuff links; a bracelet (rubber, beads, whatever) for something he likes. Also a key ring could be cute.
My mom got sick and after she died my dad got sick and now is in assisted living. All this happened about 10 hours away from me. It has been an ordeal of navigating healthcare for an aging parent with failing health and then a second parent in grief (but competent). But even with a POA, navigating this has been tremendously tedious — so many calls, so much paperwork.
Easiest thing: selling a house. This was a surprise.
Next easiest thing: dealing with their checking account at a local branch of a community bank; those people were a delight and always helpful.
Hardest thing: tossup between dealing with financial accounts and getting amounts prepaid back from State Farm (truly, truly horrible service, but letting any auto and home
and umbrella insurance lapse was also not a risk I wanted to take; trying to get a few thousand dollars refunded is a labor of Hurcules).
I guess this is a life we all get to lead on behalf of family at some point, yes?
I just want to offer hugs and commiserate that yes, this is hard! I’ve been doing it in the same city and it’s still really hard, so I can’t imagine doing it from 10 hours away. A colleague and I were saying just this week that we feel like we should start a support group at work for those of us dealing with caregiving for parents and older relatives. Several years ago I would have said my family was in good shape to deal with these issues when they arose, but I had no idea what I didn’t know then.
Yeah, once you have been through it you can do your descendants a solid and set things up a bit better. It inspired us to upgrade our estate planning and leave in case of emergency kits with ours so they can get through our home security system, get into our safe and safe deposit box, etc.
Ugh, my husband went through this and it was so hard. His father lived in a small town in Mississippi, and there were some things my husband just could NOT accomplish remotely – the bank there could not handle it. And he did give up on getting approx. $300 he is owed from one stock account. As a result of his experiences as a remote caregiver and executor, my husband started putting together updated info on all of our financial accounts, passwords, etc that he saves on a flash drive and updates every 6 months. It’s stored in our fire safe and he instructed our son and our son’s guardians on where and how to find it. And our son was only 11! So the conversation went, “if mommy and daddy both die…” My parents are starting to get more needy too, and it has really changed how I think about aging. Neither of my brothers has children, and we only have one son, and I’m a little terrified of what he’s going to have to deal with in 30 years.
I’m staring a book club with a few friends. Not everyone knows each other yet but they are all liberal women in their forties. What would be a good first book? I can give them some options to vote on. I asked them for suggestions but no one has made a suggestion yet.
What’s the vibe of the book club? Because I cannot answer the question until I know that.
The book club I’m in is big on variety, so we rotate through the members of the group picking a book. Sometimes it’s a childhood favorite, sometimes it’s one they’ve been meaning to read but need some accountability to get through. We’ve had fantasy and WWII memoirs and self help books and historical romance. It’s less about the books and more about the company and getting out of our little microcosms.
The vibe is highly educated, liberal women who are horrified by what Trump is doing and want to talk about it with other women and also get an escape from it. The group is racially diverse. We will meet at independent coffee shops in our college town on Saturday mornings once a month. This group has a sense of humor and doesn’t shy away from talking about “gardening” or perimenopause. Most of the women are married and have kids.
Maybe rethink meeting on a Saturday morning in a coffeehouse. You may take up valuable real estate inside and possibly in the parking lot that needs to turn over in less time than you will likely take. Maybe get your coffee and go to an underused space or someone’s house?
agree
I would love to be in this book club! I’m a highly educated, liberal, perimenopausal 40 year old in a college town too.
Rodham, if you really don’t want to shy away from current politics (fictionalized life of Hillary in the alternate universe where she didn’t marry Bill — Trump makes an appearance, which sounds horrible, but I found it really cathartic).
These are my 2024 favorite reads, which are mostly pretty heartwarming and a good distraction from current events: The Wedding People, Here One Moment, The God of the Woods, Real Americans, The Rachel Incident.
Also on the off chance this college town is in the Midwest, I’ve found Nathan Hill’s writing about academia and Midwestern life to be really pitch perfect.
This fits the wants to talk about current events (particularly Elon, Zuckerberg, etc.) but would not be an escape – For a memoir, Burn Book by Kara Swisher.
My book club is reading Solito about a young kid who was sent with coyotes from El Salvador to the US by himself. It’s a memoir and I found it really powerful and thought provoking.
My book club is too! Same book club…?
For this group, I’d lean into historical books that have parallels to current events. Memoirs, historical fiction, the like. I don’t really read those myself so I have no recommendations. Terry Pratchett’s discworld books also touch on political topics, but are ridiculous/silly fantasy for when you need/want something a little lighter.
For Terry Pratchett, try ‘Going Postal’ to start.
The Handmaid’s Tale is dated but scarily relevant. If you want to go out on a very odd tangent, I love Sheri Tepper’s ecofeminist SciFi. Grass or Shadow’s End or The Fresco would be first read recs.
My similarly described group read American Dirt a couple of years ago and it was well-received. Beartown and A Man Called Ove are also really good. American Marriage is very interesting too.
I would not choose American Dirt for this group, personally. A lot of controversy has developed around that book that I would want to steer clear of in the name of group harmony. I say this because it’s the type of controversy where one person might feel another is a bad person or a bad liberal for agreeing/not agreeing with the author’s decision to write the book.
I hated A Man Called Ove because it focused on suicide, even if the suicide was temporarily delayed by … needing to do chores for the neighbors. What a downer.
I had no issues with the planned suicide (I loved Wedding People) but I hated that book. It was just boring and blah. Anxious People was an all-time favorite, but otherwise I don’t really connect with Backman’s work.
Books my book club has enjoyed recently: The Rose Code, Real Americans, The Second Mrs. Astor, The Personal Librarian, The Wedding People, Someone Else’s Shoes (this is a lighter pick but everyone loved it), The Paper Palace, The Most Fun We Ever Had. Hope this helps!
I just read a brand new book called Dream Hotel that could be perfect.
It’s dystopian fiction that could start a lot of conversations about the current state of affairs in the US.
It’s about a woman who is pseudo-arrested and put into a facility because she was deemed a threat after allegedly having a dream involving violence against her husband. Highly recommend!!
This doesn’t help with your initial book, but an idea for how to pick in the future — we rotate through “book bringer” who sends summaries of a few options in advance and then we all vote.
My book club is reading “James” by Percevil Everette. When I’m looking for books I generally check awards lists – like who were the Booker Mann finalists in the last few years.
One of my book clubs has this vibe. In the past two years we’ve had great discussions around:
– All Fours
– Long Island Compromise
– Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow
– Matrix
– Leave the World Behind
Was also going to suggest All Fours. It’s graphic, but would fit perfectly with the gardening/aging theme OP suggests.
dahlia lithwick? this book comes to mind, also: Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger by Rebecca Traister
rachel maddow books?
big dirty money
i haven’t read either but maybe Anxious People, also Remarkably Bright Creatures
Kindred (short)
An American Marriage (v. discussable)
The Frozen River (easy read, female focus)
All have darker topics (i.e., slavery, imprisonment and rape, respectively) but aren’t dark books.
Demon Copperhead seems like a great pick for your book club, based on your description.
books my book club with a similar vibe has had great discussion around:
the nickel boys
the heaven & earth grocery store
the poisonwood bible
circe
Another month, another opportunity for the PTA mommies to treat me like shit. I have never regretted making a volunteer commitment more than being on the PTA board for my kids’ high school.
In this month’s set of irritants, a “concerned parent” who wants to set up an event cannot seem to understand that I.cannot.participate.in.that.event. I am not available. I have said this many times, in person and in writing. So why, o why, does she keep pestering me with condescending “requests”/commands to complete tasks she has assigned to me for the event? I’m straight-up ignoring her at this point.
ugh, that’s annoying. Can you copy in the person who IS helping with whatever event it is?
I wish. No one has agreed to help her with the event AFAIK. If she wants things done, she’s going to have to put on her big girl pants and do them herself.
then can’t you say “this isn’t a PTA sponsored event, so you will need to recruit your own volunteers”?
I wish that would work. It will not work.
Only deploy this tactic after numerous written and verbal discussions:
“I have told you multiple times that I am unable to be at this event. Please explain why you are struggling to understand this very simple concept.”
Is she asking you to assist with planning or implementing on the day?
Yes, repeatedly, after I told her in person and in writing that I’m not available.
I think saying “I’m not available” sounds like you can’t attend the actual event, but isn’t as clear that you’re unable to help with advance prep.
Hence 1:24’s question.
I have told this person I cannot help with the event in any way, full stop. I’ve told her in person and in writing that I can’t do the prep work or attend the event. She just keeps asking.
Quit the PTA!
I am. This is my last year. And I’ve been frank with everyone about why I’m leaving.
Don’t wait. Quit now.
Can’t you still help plan the event even if you can’t attend? I don’t see why inability to attend the event itself means you can’t do anything related to it.
Why doesn’t no mean no? I can’t do anything related to it, because that is my decision.
See also, Yet Another Question No One Would Ask A Man.
I would absolutely ask a man this question. Maybe reflect on the possibility that your communication has not been as clear as you thought.
Maybe reflect on how you don’t think that no means no.
I think all we’re saying is that the way you described your “no” to us here wasn’t clear that it extended to any and all work associated with this event. If you phrased it clearly IRL, then vent away!
I really, truly, did. I promise you. And I’m still getting requests like I’m her personal assistant and she’s the EIC of a fashion magazine.
Why don’t you block/ignore her?
It looks to me like Seventh Sister said in her original post that she’s ignoring this person now.
Sometimes we just want to vent about an annoying thing. It’s not that deep.
Follow up on the synesthesia thread yesterday, specifically for the synesthetes, especially color-grapheme. I have number form and spatial sequencing synesthesia, which has always been helpful to me academically (specifically math and history — chronology of events). I know the research generally views synesthesia as beneficial to academics.
My daughter has both, plus graphemes-color, chromesthesia, lexical-gustatory and the one where numbers have personality/gender. She struggles a lot with academics, particularly math and reading — she says the colors are distracting, she doesn’t like putting together numbers that don’t like each other, etc. Before I found out she has it, she was tested twice for learning disabilities but did not qualify. She has a 504 for anxiety and I have built in supports like audio for reading. But the school won’t do anything specific for synesthesia because it’s a “neurological condition” not a disability or a health concern (idk, that’s what they told me). Is there anyone out there who found their synesthesia made academics more difficult? What workarounds or accommodations did you have (or wished you had)? I’m at a loss for how to help her and there is very little research available. Her father (we’re divorced) claims she’s making it all up and doesn’t want to discuss so I’m trying to find ways around it via her existing 504. She is very bright and capable of reading/math. She just finds the process of doing the work incredibly difficult and distracting due to all the colors, tastes, etc.
I genuinely benefited if things could be as aesthetic as possible. A lot of things were worse for me if I was in a bad physical space (florescent lights, panel ceilings, bad acoustics); there was a sort of battle between the real sensory distractions and the synesthetic ones that calmed down in better spaces.
Literally if I could write things out my way by hand the way that made sense to me, that helped; I would copy out whole passages of reading and all the math problems my way. Needless to say I did need more time! But I did well academically doing things my way.
Neurological conditions can be accommodated; I think schools just try to get out of accommodations if they can.
Thank you for the input! I appreciate it!
I’m thinking of picking up pilates but i’m pretty weak – should i go to a local class first with a reformer? schedule a few private sessions with the reformer? or just try youtube stuff and then do the local class when i get stronger?
Pilates is a great work out. Don’t start with the reformer. It will seem to intense and complication. Do a beginner/intro mat work class first. In person is better as a lot is about correct body position so you want to make sure you have an instructor who is checking your position.
Go to the class! Your instructor will be able to tell you how to modify if necessary and you can always do fewer reps while you’re gaining strength and endurance.
I am very similar to you. I’m definitely starting with a few private sessions on the reformer. In fact, it is required at the place I will go to before you can take the classes. I like that I can explain to someone my needs/issues and get a bit of personal advice (and warnings) as I am starting.
Definitely go to the class. Pilates is effective when done properly with correct form, and it’s likely your form will be off if you’re just doing YouTube videos. You need an instructor guiding you to ensure correct form.
+1 to not trying to DIY Pilates.
I know nothing about pilates, so I can’t speak to that at all, but I just want to encourage you to go for it. I just started some group exercise classes, one of which is a CrossFit-type (but not CrossFit), at a new gym. I have not done group classes in decades, and I was terrified. I would literally psych myself up in the car before the first couple of classes. I walked into my first class of each type, asked who the instructor was, introduced myself and explained that I know nothing and that my muscles fell off when I turned 50, and really-no one could have been nicer about it. Body builder guy with the tatted face who has had to show me how to do everything 10 times? My new bestie. I am using baby weights, and everything still hurts, but I am so stinkin’ proud of myself for stepping way out my comfort zone. Bonus: I feel amazing. So do it!
Do a private session, or a few private sessions first.
Do reformer before mat, especially if you are weak. With mat you rely on your own muscles, and it will be a long class and you will feel more challenged than you need to.
Reformer has lots of things to manage, like springs and straps, but the instructor will manage all of that for you. The springs and straps are there to support you through the movements. My 74 year old mom had a great time on her first reformer class with me.
People do like to recommend mat first, but unless you already have established strength, even the basic mat is more challenging than the reformer exercises.
Replying late, but supporting this advice: mat is so much harder than reformer (or Tower). The props/straps/springs really help, especially in the beginning. For example, rollup is easier with weights, the Magic Circle, or being able to use the strap (on the elevated mats), than with no props. The headrests on the reformer helped me understand alignment and helped me keep my shoulders down. Etc.
If you can afford it, absolutely take a few private sessions (in a perfect world on a Cadillac) and then beginner-level reformer or tower to continue.
There are a lot of underwhelming Pilates classes out there (at least in New York: so many options, so few of them worth the money). If there are options in your area, don’t be afraid to try different teachers and studios until you find a place you like.