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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I know Torrid is calling this a “mini dress,” but I’ve got to be honest– it doesn’t look mini to me! This crepe de chine shirt dress is a perfect length for the office, and the pink/purple print is both feminine and professional.
I would pair this with a blazer and booties for an easy business casual look. For the weekend, I might swap out the blazer for a chunky cardigan.
The dress is $75.50 full price at Torrid — but today it's 25% off — and comes in sizes equivalent to 10–30.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anonymous
Hoping someone can solve this for me! I am new to Rent the Runway. I know I can rent pieces, I can buy pieces that are for rent using the “to buy” price, and buy pieces for sale (no longer for rent) on the clearance page. I am interested in the second category – items still available for rent, and purchase. I noticed that a few items I like are actually cheaper to buy than rent. Here’s my struggle: I can’t figure out how to sort by this “to buy” price. Is there any way to filter these results? (Example: a Trina Turk “Sentido” jacket is not on clearance, to buy is $38, rent is $70.)
Cat
not what you asked, but FWIW I have heard more than one person unhappy with used RTR purchases. Those clothes are used HARD so it’s not like you’re getting an almost-new piece for the price.
anonamouse
+100 – with RTR, unlike the RealReal or Poshmark, you have know way to know the condition of the item you are getting, the photos on the website are not of the actual item they will send you. It’s a total crapshoot and the return policy is not good.
Anon
Also not what you asked, but ThredUp has a partnership with Rtr to help sell clothes no longer being rented. You might want to compare prices there as well!
Anonymous
A few comments – I’m an active user
1. The memberships are more cost effective that renting on a per piece basis. So depending on how much you are planning on renting/buying it may be worth it to look at the membership.
2. The app/website interface is poor and I don’t think it can do what you are proposing.
3. The clothes that are still available for rent are in much better condition than the clothes on clearance. I have a membership and I basically just rent a piece using my membership, and if I like it + the quality is good, I buy it and don’t return it.
Anon
Life has been so hard lately and I feel like every day it’s a huge effort to just get up in the morning. A combination of the death of a close family member, ongoing challenging health issues, and a recent surprise layoff are leaving me feeling worthless and hopeless, not to mention untethered to my usual routines. I’m already in therapy and it usually has helped me in the past, but things have been such a struggle.
If it were just one, or even two of those things, I think I could manage. But all three? Feels like I have nothing solid to hold on to.
I could use some positive stories. Anyone want to share how you got through hard times in your own life? Anything you wish you had known? I keep hearing Senior Attorney’s quote “The only way out is through” and that is providing a small bit of comfort right now. I just need to know it will be better on the other side of all this.
Vicky Austin
My only comforting maxim is “Take the next right step.” I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much devastating change. Many hugs.
Crocuses
Ugh, I hear you. In the past 18 months I’ve lost my spouse and one parent and have become part of Team Help Our Other Parent adjust to their unwanted changes. Meanwhile we’re still in the middle of covid, climate change, international war and turmoil, and domestic (USA) political polarization. I’m keeping going with lots of self-care and mini-visits with other family and friends. Usually these visits are walks outside, phone calls or emails. I try to be happy that other people’s lives are less stressful. Someday, I hope, mine will be the same. Until that happens I can make my life as organized and supportive as possible.
Anon.
Reading your post, I admire you.
Anonymous Canadian
I agree, this is very inspiring. So sorry for your losses. Sending you and OP many good thoughts.
Curious
I agree, this is very inspiring. So sorry for your losses. Sending you and OP many good thoughts.
Anon
When I am dealing with hard times I tell myself that I won’t feel like this forever. It always ends up being true. Take care of yourself.
Shananana
You’re not going to feel like this forever. I have to remind myself of that when I am in those stages. This isn’t permanent, remember these other terrible things that have happened? You survived those, it didn’t last forever, now they are in your rearview.
I have depression with ideations and have spent many years having to retrain my brain that everything bad is not a world ending catastrophe. I keep a small list of really hard things I have done in my life in a notebook by my bed. Some physical, some mental, some just things that I endured and came out the other side of. For me, reminding myself that while this sucks, I can and have done really hard things, and this is another that one day is going to be on that list and me 10 years from now is going to be thinking wow, if I survived that I can survive this.
I am not a believer of the everything happens for a reason or look what you learned from this though camp, but I am of the belief that doing hard things prepares you to be able to handle other hard things when they get thrown at you. And life is going to be full of hard things whether or not you pursue them or want that to be true.
Also hugs to you, and as someone who resisted it for years, journals in addition to talk therapy are very possibly your friend. Processing through writing for me is very connected to processing through talking, I need to do both to really process what I am going through. And, when I say writing, I mean physically or just opening a word document and letting the words flow. Whatever works for you.
Anon.
“doing hard things prepares you to be able to handle other hard things when they get thrown at you.”
You have captured a sentiment I have been having recently so well! Thank you.
pugsnbourbon
+1, beautifully said.
Anon
I think just remembering that everything is temporary and things will get better is helpful. I also think if you can swing it an inexpensive getaway is a good way to get you out of a rut is helpful.
Anon
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I had a truly hard time years ago and what got me through it was praying, to be honest. I am not super religious and we don’t go to church regularly but it just really helped. I especially liked reading bible verses for inspiration like Matthew 11:28. I used to write them down and kind of collect them, and it helped to read them. If this doesn’t fit, I think inspirational quotes could help.
Keep your head up and I hope you hang in there. You will get through this.
Curious
I am no longer religious but said the rosary many times during chemo insomnia in the hospital bed. It did help.
Anon
Honestly, being open to medication for the short term. I regularly take medication for depression, and recently had to up my dish as I deal with the general chaos of life, being on the academic job market, sending my daughter off to college, and turning 50. It was just hard. My doctor advised me to increase my low maintenance dose because “sometimes your brain needs help processing and getting through”.
anonymous
I’m so sorry you’re going through a difficult time. The last few months of 2020 were incredibly difficult. My husband was unexpectedly laid off from his job of 25 years. Then a month later my dad died. He had degenerative neurological condition, but it wasn’t at the point where we expected him to pass way so it was quite unexpected.
Two years later – obviously my dad is still gone and we grieve him. In hindsight, we are thankful that he passed away while he still had some enjoyment of life. With this disease, it would have gotten to the point where he would not have been able to eat or move much on his own and would have needed a feeding tube. He loved food and travel and my parents got to do a lot of that before his illness got worse. He passed away in November and this year at Thanksgiving we’re taking a trip together as a family to remember him and spend time together.
My husband started a new job in January of 2021. He works in facility management and at the time when so many office buildings were shut down from covid, we weren’t sure what type of jobs would be out there. Thankfully he found a job similar to the one he previously had.
For me, the only way through was just one day at a time. I tried to do my best to take action over things I had control over. My faith and prayer also helped me immensely. But some days, I just had to let my self be sad or frustrated or angry. It took time for me to get back on track. You’re dealing with incredibly difficult things, so be patient with yourself.
pugsnbourbon
Last July my wife’s depression was so bad I was looking for inpatient treatment centers for her. She couldn’t get out of bed. She had to leave her job with nothing else lined up. My job was super shitty at the time, too. I was absolutely wracked with anxiety all the time, and I didn’t feel like I could ask anyone for help. I felt stuck and alone.
It was a long road back. She started seeing a different therapist and got into a clinical trial to help treat the depression. I asked for help at work and I got it. I got a promotion. We went on a trip and started thinking about what was really important to us.
Fifteen months later we’re in a different city, a different state, in new jobs we’re both thriving in. I see mountains every day – real mountains! It was really, really hard to wake up back then but now I’m actually looking forward to things. It’s not perfect but it’s so much better.
I’m glad I’m working from home rn bc I’m crying a little. I know things will get better for you – hang in there. We are rooting for you.
Vicky Austin
Pugs, this made ME tear up. So proud of and impressed by you and your wife for pulling together and forging ahead, and you should be proud of yourselves, too. It takes so much bravery to ask for help, and get better, and start over. So glad your new city and jobs are treating you so well.
Curious
+100.
Aunt Jamesina
Thank you for sharing this. A decade ago, I was the spouse in inpatient treatment and my husband was there for me in so many ways like you are for your wife. I can’t put into words how incredibly grateful I am for a partner to be there when things were at their darkest. Annnnnd now I’m crying… glad you’re both doing better, Pugs!
Samantha
I’m sorry to hear that you went through such a tough time, Pugs. And glad you came through ok!
pugsnbourbon
Oh man I wish I could hug you all (if you are huggers). I give really good hugs.
Anon
me too. HUGS for pugsnbourbon
Anon
Antidepressants are a game changer.
DeepSouth
When I feel myself starting to spiral into depression, setting small goals I can accomplish seems to help. Not giant, overwhelming “I am reinventing myself” kinds of goals, but just things I can do to feel like I have succeeded. Being productive with things that don’t overwhelm me helps me remember I can accomplish things, and interrupts the cycle of sitting on the couch. My list right now: walk outside a half hour every day, clean my kitchen drawers — one a day, set up two networking coffee/lunch meetings a week. Then I have some easy things I can cross off my to do list and not feel so worthless. Maybe this kind of distraction will help you?
Also, I am sorry for all your loss. That’s a terribly hard burden to bear.
Anonymous
Lost my long-time job out of the blue last year with budget cuts (3 weeks after a stellar review and raise) and discovered I had cancer during a routine physical I squeezed in before the switch to COBRA. Found out my dog had terminal cancer a couple of weeks later. This year I’m in a new job that is not what I want (honestly, I’m miserable) but it provides stability. I’m in late-stage interviews with another job that I really, really want and would never have dreamed of applying for in past role. Dog is still here thanks to chemo and I’m enjoying the time left in ways I never appreciated before. My health remains good following surgery–turns out I didn’t even need chemo since it hadn’t spread to lymph nodes. Will remain watchful over the next few years. I know things change. All this is to say, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days will be really hard. Some days will be really good. Sometimes you think things will be worse than they are. A lot is luck of the draw, so all you can do is to just keep trying to get through it.
pugsnbourbon
Big vibes sent your way for that job, clean screens in the future and happy healthy days with your dog.
Peloton
When I got shot, I read the book the Unthinkable. In the preface, there is a quote that reads “This awful tragedy is not the end but the beginning. History’s chapters do not end so. It is how they open.”
I had that tacked up on my wall for over a year to remind me to focus on what was next, not what was before. Perhaps you will also find comfort in it.
Curious
Unthinkable is the right descriptor. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Senior Attorney
Aw, big hugs to you! When I was at my lowest, after I left my marriage and was literally waking up weeping every morning, I had a couple more aphorismis that helped: “This time next year things will be better” (which turned out to be true), and this one from my son: “Things always work out okay in the end. And if they haven’t worked out okay, it’s not the end.”
I PROMISE things will get better. I promise.
Samantha
Not the OP, but I have SO much love and gratitude for your last sentence!
Curious
What you’re feeling is so reasonable, given everything. I promise you’re not worthless, though.
When I was the sickest, we tried to get me fresh air. If I could make it, I’d sit on the porch or walk to the end of the driveway. Being outside helps.
And I did a meditation yesterday that said something about sending light to the edge of the universe, and it was just incredible to imagine an edge of the universe. Because we know there is one! But what’s on the other side? Except there is no other side. Space doesn’t exist. And somehow it made me feel absurdly light that the world is just so mysterious and I’m alive.
All blessings to you. Life comes in seasons, and your hard season will pass, and until then, we are here.
Bette
I’m so very sorry for your loss and your struggles. Echoing everything everyone else already said – you WILL get through this, you will not feel like this forever – and adding something that has brought me comfort in times of deep grief.
Khalil Gibran’s book of poetry, The Prophet, has a section on joy and sorrow that strikes at my very core. I recommend reading the whole section but a few lines that stick out to me:
…
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
…
To me (Bette) this means that the hard times and pain don’t just prepare you to be able to handle more pain, they also prepare you to be able to receive and embrace true joy in deeper and richer ways that you wouldn’t even be able to access if you hadn’t been forged by your pain and grief.
Wheels
Text lots of friends, tell them you feel low and ask them to share some good news from their lives with you and send pictures.
Stay off social media.
Look after your health by eating well and keeping up your fluids. Buy small luxuries like nice tea or delicious fruit.
Listen to positive guided meditations.
Sometimes things aren’t ok and you can still have a different, smaller life but a life worth living.
Anon
OP here. Thank you all so much for the supportive words and stories of your own challenging times. I am humbled by the warmth and generosity of this community, and seriously in awe of what you have all been through with such grace.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Life is hard but it’s less hard when we have each other. Sending a big hug into the universe to all of you who shared and made me feel a little less alone today.
Anonymous
One more thing if you like dogs and don’t have one. See if you can spend sometime during the day at a dog park or volunteer at a shelter to take a dog for a walk. Near where I live there is an off leash trail and lots of people walk through without dogs. I used to go there years ago before I had my dog. Made me smile every single time.
Keep your chin up — have been where you are and it will get better.
Smokey
I am in awe of the wisdom, love, grace, generosity, and eloquence of these posts. Sending love and light to OP.
Anon
European people: are fee tails still a thing in your country’s property law? I have been doing a dive into pop history podcasts and a lot hinges on one son getting everything, who the heir is, etc. apparently German countries use to split things among all heirs vs oldest male or designated sole heir, which was disfavored as families lost power and influence this way. As a modern person and a woman with no brothers, I would not want my oldest male cousin on dad’s side moving into my parents house and getting their things after they died. Maybe it was just a thing with nobles?
Cat
Mary Bennet, is that you? ;)
Anon
Is your father still alive? His heir is apparent but it’s not over quite yet. How do you feel about much younger half siblings, especially if it is a boy?
Anon
I think this post has been in moderation since 1899 and popped up only now.
No, modern European societies no longer hold to these principles.
Anon
And yet, in my US state, we run into problems with heirship properties (generally rural: land has gone through several generations of intestate succession, children are not always clear, and now lots of people own 1/64th of a plot of farmland that is ripe for development as cities have spread out). It is hard to get good title or get a mortgage or build a house (but you can park trailers on it and often lots of families are housed this way). Some law school could do some good by helping families straighten it all out. Often, they need money but. Any get good title to their one valuable asset, so they cannot subdivide, build, or sell.
Anonymous
Yes. And this is not an entailed property or a fee tail at all.
LaurenB
How are “children not always clear”? Where in the US are you talking about?
Anon
Since she said ghat this has gone through “several generations” of interstate succession, I am guessing she is referring to people born over a century ago. If the property were purchased in the 19th century and moves down the chain via interstate succession, you need go find ALL children of the original purchasers, and ALL of their children. This isn’t an issue of out of wedlock childbearing or what not; it can sometimes be difficult to find out if your great-great grandparents had four kids or five kids.
Anon
Oh my goodness so many ways! The big one would be children born out of affairs. Another would be when Cousin Mary has been taken in and raised as if she’s one of the kids.
Anonymous
I mean there are like tiny pockets of them. But it’s minuscule.
Anonymous
LOL!!
Anon.
“in moderation since 1899”
Thank you, I just snorted my coffee all over my keyboard.
Anon
When the line of succession law changed for the king and queen to be the first born, did it also change for other titles in the UK that are inherited? I have no idea.
Jo April
Nope, the Succession to the Crown Act 2013 is specific to the monarch. There was a related bill the same year to handle other titles, but it didn’t pass.
Mouse
No, it didn’t – every so often a group of aristocratic women pop up complaining about it and everyone sort of rolls their eyes and tells them to count their blessings. There was a long feature by Helen Lewis on this in the Atlantic (I think) a couple of years ago. Sometimes the titles are entailed and the estate/ money (or some of the estate/money) isn’t, depending on the source of it.
Anonymous
Yes heaven forbid women want equality
Mouse
The general feeling though is that while unelected aristocrats get to sit in our legislature’s upper house they’re not in any place to talk about equality. Kind of like the row about the queue jumping to view the coffin of the queen – obviously we’re not all equal under a monarchy
Anonymous
Yeah bad look to be down on women fighting for equality just because everything isn’t perfect.
Anonymous
I am, once again, floored that any of this is still a thing.
anon
Fun fact: in Renaissance Venice, all sons had a right to inherit and noble daughters received large dowries on marriage. In order to prevent dilution of family wealth, noble families generally only allowed on son to marry and up to 50% of noble daughters were forced into convents.
Anonymous
Similarly the reason Catholic priests cannot wed is to keep their personal wealth in the church. They used to be allowed to wed until the church realized it was more profitable to ban it. Old Catholic Church in Switzerland never instituted the ban and still allows their priests to wed.
Anon
Tell me you know nothing about Catholicism without telling me you know nothing about Catholicism.
anon_needs_a_break
huh? this is very much a reason priests can’t marry.
Anonymous
DH’s father was literally a Catholic priest and left the church to marry his mother. He considering leaving the Roman Catholic church for the Old Catholic Church. His 4 best friends are still Catholic priests. And based on their stories, I would literally never leave my children alone in a room with a priest that my FIL did not personally trust.
Anon
No, it’s not. There are so many “everyone knows” myths about Catholicism, mostly spread by people who have not attended Mass in years, if ever.
It has to do with Paul’s words, the perpetual virginity of Mary, the virginity of Jesus (who did not marry or have children), and the fact that s3x doesn’t exist in heaven.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah this sounds pretty on-brand for Catholicism
Anon
Anon @2:39 PM, all the stuff about virginity and Paul is one tradition, but they’re not universal Catholic views, and they have historically been used to discriminate against communities whose priests who are married with the full blessing of the Vatican because they’re not Roman rite.
Anon
There are multiple Catholic rites that have married priests. Unmarried Catholic priests do not keep their personal wealth in the church (they have their own money). Maybe you are thinking of religious priests, but I am pretty sure they are a cost center and not a money maker for the church.
LaurenB
Another fun fact: One of the reason there were so many Hessian soldiers in the Revolutionary War who deserted the British and wound up staying in America is that they really had nothing to go back to, as they were invariably second and third born sons who would not inherit anything from their father. So once the “new America” authorized them to get X amount of farmland, that was all they needed to say ta-ta to the old world – especially because the farmland given to them was rich NJ and PA farmland.
Anonymous
Any great black tights offerings? Mine from 2019 are all baggy and scuffed (if that is a concept for tights: in the neighborhood of a snag but more like road rash). Not Wolford level, but good daily drivers. Now that our schools are reliably open, I’m back in the cold office.
Vicky Austin
I like Hue.
Nonny
Hue are good but I found No Nonsense opaque tights for 5.99 at Cub grocery store. Bought size XL for 5’6″ 155 lbs but could do a large or possibly a medium. 40 denier are warm but not too warm.
Anonymous
I have historically liked LOFT tights
NYCer
I swear by Commando. They aren’t cheap, but they last a long (long!) time, even with lots of wear and washing in winters.
anon
Historically I loved DKNY (like 15 plus years ago) and thought they were the best. I can’t get them where I live now and have switched to Hue for the last 10 years and am satisfied. I wash in the machine (in a bag), air dry, and get I’d estimate 50ish wears from each pair, maybe a bit more.
Anon
DKNY tights are the absolute greatest.
Anon
+1 – haven’t bought them in a few years because pandemic, but hoping they’re still around!
Nonny
do they ever get linty in the washing machine?
Panda Bear
I’ve really liked tights from commando. I get the kind with a wide soft waistband because I can’t stand them digging into my stomach.
PolyD
I got some dance tights from Capezio with the wide waistband. I like them very much. They look like regular tights.
Anon
I’ve got great really opaque ones at Costco before.
Anon
I like Spanx opaque. I’ve had some pairs for years. Sizes D/E are really good for the long of leg and the large of butt.
Anon
Berkshire fleece lined tights!
Anon.
As a European, I say nothing beats FALKE tights and hosiery, but they are outrageously expensive in the US. That being said, they are workhorses. I have some from 10 years ago that I can still casually wear with tall boots and sweater dresses, without visible snags.
Seafinch
Falke is the gold standard.
Anon
The ones from Target – I don’t know the brand. They have three thicknesses, and I like the middle one.
Anonymous
it’s been a few years,but I recall that Walgreens has great fleece tights!
Hanna Andersson
Can anyone comment on the fit of Hanna Andersson kids clothing (not pajamas)? I’m shipping internationally so returns would be a nightmare so I can’t just order multiple sizes and see what fits.
anonmi
I have limited experience, but the pieces we’ve had have been TTS or a bit small. Similar to Carters/Oshkosh sizing.
Anne-on
I find they run tall (long) and slim, my kid is a ‘true’ size 10 at Gap/Jcrew/Janie and Jack/Underarmor but Hanna’s size 10s still have room in the arms and legs. The truly adjustable waists are great for us, but if your kid is on the heavier side the fit may be off. I find the sizing comporable to Boden if that helps. It is VERY well made – hand me down sweatpants/shirts/pjs are now on their 4th child and going strong.
octagon
I would agree with this – my kid is tall and slim and half the closet is Hanna. I will also say that their customer service is super helpful, if you measure your kids they can advise on which sizes to buy. The quality is outstanding.
Curious
Agree with this: Long and narrow, beautiful, beautiful clothes.
Aunt Jamesina
I agree with everyone that it runs a bit long and slim. And anyone shopping there with a baby needs to buy a pilot cap (it’s on sale right now!) because 1. omg so freaking cute and 2. it actually stays on their head!
Grace
So I have a Christmas tradition of giving my parents a physical calendar (with pretty landscape photos, typically from a National Park or mountain range or city, etc. Preference for unique non-profit or local photographer calendars). Anyone know particular stores or park gift shops or towns in the NJ/NY/eastern PA area that would still sell pretty photo calendars? I do a lot of hiking and traveling so distance within this region isn’t a big issue!
Anon
I don’t live in your area but I work in an art gallery and we have lots of beautiful calendars in our gift shop boutique. So I suggest checking galleries or museums!
Anon
Good idea. OP, try the Montclair Art Museum
Anon
Princeton Art Museum might also be good choice.
Anon
My parents go to Grey Towers a lot. I know they have a gift shop but it’s not online. :(
Anon
So, this is totally not what you asked for, but I think the Subpar Parks calendar makes a great gift (not for your parents maybe, but in general). I gave my BIL the book last year and it may be the only present from me he’s ever liked.
pugsnbourbon
Yesssss hahaha I love those.
OP, I usually rec Parks Project for this but their 2023 calendar is woodcuts, not photos. Seconding the others to check museum stores.
Anon
I shared subpar parks with my kid’s teacher during their national parks unit, and apparently they are also a hit with 10-11 year olds :)
Anonymous
I bet you can find a great one in new hope
Anon
Even if it is less pleasing aesthetically, I vote for a wall calendar with pockets. It is is great to be able to save invitations, notes, etc. that pertain to a particular month without having these sit on my desk or counter and then get misplaced.
Anon
Not regional to you at all, but I ordered calendars from aurora dora last year and loved them. She’s an Alaskan photographer that takes photos of the aurora. Great website and was very responsive when I had a shipping issue.
Grace
Thanks, all! Great suggestions!
Nonscentse
Favorite daytime perfumes that make you think of Fall? Nevermind that it’s warming up again today!
Velma
Jo Malone Orange Bitters–I wear from Oct. through the holiday season.
Marshmallow
Beautypie Balade en Foret, very warm and subtle as long as you don’t overdue it.
startup lawyer
micallef gaiac
le labo the noir
serge lutens daim blond
tom ford cafe rose and shanghai lily on a rainy day
Wheels
Very sad I became allergic to perfumes and now to wear a face mask to avoid them!
Anonymous
Has anyone used Kristin Ess’ weightless shine air dry? I don’t “do” my hair every day but it admittedly looks much better when I do. Wondering if a product like this might get me to good enough. I have wavy collarbone length hair
anon a mouse
Can’t comment on that, but I am a huge fan of the Curlsmith Weightless Air Dry cream which you can now get at Target online.
Anon
I haven’t used this one but I have similar hair and the ‘its a 10 miracle leave-in’ spray helps my hair stay quite smooth and shiny. I’ve had similar luck with the equivalent John Frieda product (I think it’s called daily nourishment).
H13
Does anyone get almost ill the first day of their period? My periods have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and I now found I have a solid 24 hours of bone-deep tiredness, nausea, headaches, and pain. I work and have two small kids and feel like I can’t just curl up for a whole day every month (but I would like to).
Anything that you find eases the symptoms if you experience something similar?
Mouse
Yes, I get this. I try to plan around it and accept that if I take it gently for a day I’ll feel back to normal the next day.
Anonymous
You won’t like this response, but I had this change after my second child. I went from run of the mill cycles to knock-out/double over in pain/have to lay in bed all day periods.
When I had my 3rd kid everything re-set and now my cycles are back to their normal selves.
H13
Ha! No more kids for me.
Cat
Yes, I need to take 3-4 Advil every 4 hours to stay ahead of nausea (which for me is caused by cramps and so mitigating the cramps helps the nausea) and pain.
Anonymous
I had this start happening, thought it was just age, but turned out it was fibroids. Surgery to remove them greatly improved my life. Worth looking into if you have fibroids causing problems!
Anne-on
Yes, and any chance this is actually a migraine? People who don’t get them don’t realize it’s not just a ‘normal’ headache. I get hormonal migraines like clockwork every single month – nausea, headache, dizziness, exhaustion, extreme aversion to certain smells/food and then sometimes pinpoint pain in my bones (your body tenses up from the migraine pain). I now take a new class of migraine meds (nurtec) and cambia (basically electrolyte salts) that help a ton – I’ve duplicated it tolerably well when forgetting my meds on vacation with electrolyte powder + one liquid advil and one excedrin migraine tablet and as much gatorade as I can stand.
Anon
Yes it sounds like migraines. Not all migraines have a headache component.
Anne-on
Stuck in mod but it’s likely these are migraines. Check back for prescribed med recs but for OTC relief I’d take liquid advil plus excedrin migraine plus electrolyte powders/gatorade.
Anon
I’ve mentioned this book here before, but I took some tips from the “Period Repair Manual.” The book helped me come up with some questions to ask about the symptoms I was getting, and after that my doctors were able to identify some reasons for my symptoms and address them. (As not to be cryptic, I asked about zinc, and I tested as having a zinc deficiency. My doctor also adjusted my thyroid meds and upped the magnesium I was already on for a previously diagnosed magnesium deficiency. My psychiatrist also put me on methylfolate but that was more for the emotional symptoms than the physical ones.)
Anon
Oh and iron (kind of an obvious one!). I guess with or without a book I think it can be a good idea to get some labwork done.
anon
Yes, I have experienced that. Just throwing it out there, but have you been checked for fibroids? It turns out that was the culprit of a lot of problems for me.
Also Anon
Not normally, but I started my period yesterday and I felt so blegh. Super tired, slightly light-headed, bit of dizziness, it was not fun, I thought I was coming down with something but nope, just my period. So much fun.
Anon
I had this, I was a mess and unable to function. I started the pill and it made my life soooooooooooooooo much better.
Anon
Yep, and since I had my hysterectomy, all is well – no more of any of that. I should have done it years ago.
Anon
Sometimes, if there are not other factors like fibroids at play (it’s worth seeing a gyn), even a relatively minor hormonal imbalance can cause pain etc. After I stopped taking the pill because of a blood clot (the pill, until that time, had been glorious – regular periods with no pain and no other side effects) I had your symptoms minus the headaches. What helped was focusing on my nutrition, particularly zinc and magnesium, but also iodine, selenium (thyroid – controls hormones) and fiber. For regularity and pain management I had great luck with red raspberry leaf tea in the 2nd half of the cycle. Unfortunately it’s also true in my experience that thyroid function can be affected by diet and by weight gain – balancing your blood sugar esp may also help (I say as I eat tiramisu for dinner).
anon
Talk to your doctor about taking the pill continuously. If you have painful periods it’s incredible to just…never get your period.
Pumps
My go-to office black pumps from Clark’s died and I desperately need a replacement. I usually am wearing some black clothing every day, especially now that black tight season has started. I’m in a not particularly formal or fashionable big law office. I’m mostly wearing pre-Covid dresses and jardigans or black pants and dress shirts.
Any recommendations for block heel or not too tall pumps? I’d love something a little more interesting/fashionable because my clothes…aren’t. I’m willing to spend $200. I took a look at Sarah Flint and while lovely, particularly the Perfect Emma and Black Filigree Pump, it’s twice what I feel comfortable spending.
PolyD
Rockport has some low, block heel pumps. I don’t wear pumps, but I’ve found Rockport shoes to be uniformly comfortable. I guess they are not super fashionable, though.
Anon
I find the Naturalizer Michelle pump to be very comfortable and versatile, but more fashionable than something like Clark’s.
pugsnbourbon
My favorite place to buy shoes is 6pm dot com. It’s Zappos’ bargain s!te. These are low with a more interesting heel: https://www.6pm.com/p/franco-sarto-jesslyn-black/product/9798067/color/3
What about a shootie? Not this exactly but with similar details: https://www.6pm.com/p/donald-pliner-camden-black/product/9565570/color/3
PolyD
One trick with 6pm is to also look on Amazon (they’re connected). You will often find the same shoe for the same price, and can get free shipping and returns with Amazon. I haven’t used 6pm in a little while, but I seem to remember you have to pay return shipping.
Anon
I have similar pumps from the Franco Sarto ones here and they are very comfortable.
Anon
I have the Malynn pump from Naturalizer and it’s a low block heel with a pointed toe — I’m a shoe person and I find these acceptably low key on trend while comfortable. If you want to try something more fashionable, I like my Vagabond Shoemaker Hedda pumps — both available from Nordstrom.
Anonymous
Cole Haan
Anonymous
Fluevogs! They have lots of out there stuff and also some beautiful work appropriate and interesting shoes. On sale they get down to your desired price.
Piper Dreamer
Partnership interview outfit! Thank you all for the recommendations when I asked last time. I have now narrowed down to three outfits:
1. Suit jacket with wide legged pants in magenta from Argent
2. Suit jacket with slim fit pants in caramel from REISS
3. Suit jacket with skirt in black from MML
Links to follow. Which one should I wear? TIA!!
Piper Dreamer
Argent: https://argentwork.com/collections/blazers/products/single-button-blazer-in-seasonless-wool-magenta
REISS: https://www.reiss.com/us/en/g554002s1/c50209#c50209
MML: https://mmlafleur.com/products/bennett-jacket-wool-twill-black and matching skirt
Anokha
While the magenta is lovely, I wouldn’t do it for an interview.
Anon
Not the OP, but this is a promotion interview where she already works, I think. Takes the advice to a different place.
Anonymous
Not magenta!
Piper Dreamer
Sorry to give background, NYC biglaw and interview is at the end of this month (so fall weather). I am Asian with medium skin tone, dark brown straight hair (natural) and don’t typically wear much makeup.
Alanna of Trebond
Good luck! Would love to meet up in real life…
Cat
The Reiss link doesn’t work, but caramel & pants sounds best to me. Magenta is kind of a lot of look for this, and a black skirt suit reads “2L interviewee” to me.
NYCer
+1 to this assessment.
FWIW, I do think you could wear the magenta blazer with navy pants and white blouse as an alternative, but magenta blazer with wide leg magenta pants seems like too much for a partnership interview.
Anon
Caramel or magenta, the black is too junior. I’d personally go magenta because you’re going for a baller role and it’s a confident move.
Vicky Austin
I freaking love the idea of the magenta. It’ll take serious confidence to pull off, but man, if you do!
Anon
+1
Magenta is a baller move.
pugsnbourbon
+2 magenta all the way.
startup lawyer
+1
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Anon
I like the cut of the Reiss suit more, but that’s a personal preference. I do love the magenta color.
Anon
Are you tall? All of these jackets look like they would overwhelm a woman of average size or smaller.
Piper Dreamer
I am 5’8 and will be wearing 3 inch heels, so all these look okay from a height perspective.
Anon
I think a color is fine but not this magenta. And agree the skirt suit looks too junior. I’d do a well fitting pants suit. Good luck!
Anon
maybe a maroon/burgundy? It’s seasonal and still serious.
I do love the magenta as a daily wear once you ace the interview and get the job.
No Face
I vote caramel.
Jules
Jacket and wide-leg pants both in magenta? That does strike me as a bit much, but if you have the confidence to rock it that would be amazing. Or do you meant suit jacket in magenta and wide-leg pants in navy or black? That would not be over the top at all.
KW
Places to look for blazers in tall sizes? Would like to wear with non-matching dresses or pants and price point around JCrew or BR, possibly a little more if it’s awesome. Ideally I would like something in a wine color but will take what I can get.
Anon
Just another booster anecdata: got it yesterday morning and have had zero side effects, not even a sore arm. I’m actually a little disappointed I didn’t have more of a response to it. Fwiw, never had Covid and this was my first Pfizer after four Modernas. I had moderate side effects after Moderna #2 and #3 and mild side effects after #1 and #4.
Anon
I’ve had zip/zero/nada reactions to any of the Covid shots, no sore arm, no reaction, nothing. The first 2 were Pfizer, the boosters were Moderna, and bivalent booster was Pfizer. I got the flu shot at the same time as this booster and it hurt more at the time, but no sore arm from that either (which I think is a first for me).
Anon
I had a crazy sore arm from this year’s flu shot. But I also think how sore your arm is may depend on how good the pharmacist is with the needle more than what’s in the vaccine.
Cb
Even my finger nails hurt last night and my husband had to rub my back while I quietly sobbed myself to sleep, but I’m fine this am. My flu jab arm is super sore, but my covid arm is fine.
C
I have found it helpful to do some pushups after both flu and covid jabs although I have not yet gotten this year’s flu jab. But normally very little soreness for anything and I’ve been getting flu jabs for last 10-12 years at least. I do 10-15 pushups as soon after as possible.
Azera
Hive, I need some help. I have a neighbor who moved in directly across the street from me in 2018/2019. She moved in after a separation from her partner and brought their cat with her. I don’t know what happened with the partner or whether they are still in touch. She is older than me and although she is very friendly I wouldn’t instantly see her as someone I would personally choose to connect with on a friendship level, although I am always pleasant and polite and have a chat when I see her.
She has come to our door on more than one occasion for help with stuff around her house/garden and my husband has helped her. I have no problem with this and think it is the neighborly thing to do – if I lived alone and needed help I would hope my neighbors would be there for me too. She can be overly chatty however, and not take a hint too well when it is time to wrap up the conversation – for example we were just about to serve dinner one evening when she called by and I was quite obviously busy and serving up dinner in the kitchen while she was talking to my husband, and she didn’t seem to realise she should let us get on with things. There have been a few occasions like this.
During the pandemic she has been working at home (as have my husband and I) and sadly within the last couple of years her cat passed away. We put a card through her door and were supportive when we saw her, as we are both animal lovers and knew how hard it must be for her.
A couple of times she has asked if she could join me and/or my husband on our evening walks, or hinted that she’d like to come over to our house. As we would prefer to keep a boundary between neighbors and our personal life we have never pushed for this to happen so it hasn’t, and in the meantime she seems to have made visits to three of our other local neighbors who are nearer her age. So we felt she had perhaps made friends with them and didn’t need our company so much.
Recently I met her when she was at a mutual neighbor’s house, who she said she was looking after their plants etc while they were away. She then proceeded to ask me if I did a certain hobby in my spare time. I answered honestly and said yes. Inwardly I wondered how she knew but I assumed my husband had mentioned it. She then asked if she could come along and join and of course I said she could. However she then asked if she could come with me and if I would stay with her as she wouldn’t know anyone. I was kind of non-committal and wrapped up the conversation. I spoke to my husband later and he said he had never mentioned my hobby to said neighbor. I feel a bit uncomfortable with how she found out this information and think that perhaps she googled me as my name would bring up my hobby (I have no proof of this).
I feel like an awful human being but I take this hobby very seriously, am good at it and it is my passion away from my job. I am worried that this neighbor is using this hobby as a way to become “friends” and doesn’t really have an interest in it. My hobby is my escape and I really don’t want to feel like I am hand-holding someone and having the obligation to drive to and from the hobby with them as we live so close by, when they aren’t someone I would chose to have a close relationship with.
I wondered if you guys had any advice? I was thinking about telling her the date/time we meet and saying “see you there” and she can come on her own steam if she is really serious about it, or being a complete chicken and avoiding her so I don’t have to deal with it and just act like I forgot all about it when I see her and keep the conversation short. I feel I need to set a boundary here but I am struggling with what is reasonable as I don’t want to be uncaring to someone who is lonely, but at the same time I feel I have to protect the thing that is sacred to me. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
NYCer
You definitely have zero obligation to carpool with her to whatever hobby event this is. I would just shoot her a text with the date and time of the next hobby event, say (hope to) see you there, and let the chips fall as they may. If she shows up, great, you can say hi and be cordial. If you are very good at this hobby and she is not, she probably won’t want to keep coming. Or maybe you’ll find out that she is also very good at this hobby. Who knows.
Also, I wouldn’t dwell on wondering how she found out. Do your other neighbors know that you’re very good at this hobby? They easily could have mentioned it. Or yes, she could have googled you. I don’t find that particularly weird in this day and age.
Anonymous
Girl I’m sorry but this is on you. “Bye jean we have to go it’s dinner time here is the door.” “Can I come with you?” “No, sorry, it’s my personal time.”
Like having said yes sure come, I’d not reach out again and if she asks say “of course you’re welcome to come it’s open to the public” and don’t offer to drive her and if she asks say “sorry car pooling won’t work for me.”
anon
1000%
Anonymous
Continuing setting boundaries and sticking with them but you have to let go of the idea that she will be okay with the boundaries or be accepting of them. She won’t like them and may continue to push. This doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. She doesn’t have to like your boundaries for them to be reasonable.
if you are firm and consistent, she will move on to focusing on others.
Anon
Maybe I’m missing something but is it so wrong to be friends with her?
Azera
No of course not, I am just an introvert and prefer my own time to being friends with someone I don’t really click with. Also when someone lives near you it can be difficult to have separation from them, so being friends as well would be too much for me personally.
Anon
No one is obligated to be friends with anyone, and some of us prefer to be selective about who we befriend and spend our personal time with. I have to spend enough time with people I don’t really gel with at work; I am not about to do that in my personal time.
Anon
I am the lonely person whose cat died and who doesn’t reliably pick up on social cues. It is okay to set a boundary here. It is possible she would be mortified to know you were worrying about this. It is possible a therapist or self-help book is giving her bad advice, or she’s just really flailing, but either way, it is okay to protect the thing that is sacred to you, and it doesn’t mean you’re being uncaring to someone who is lonely. Between your different options, I would just go with the one you think will work. I think it would have been okay to say that it’s kind of your thing that you do alone when she initially asked, and it’s okay to backtrack and say that now. If you don’t want to volunteer that much about yourself, I think your other plans are fine so long as they work (since it sounds like she doesn’t always take hints).
Azera
Thank you for your comment and I hope you are ok, I’m so sorry for your loss.
“I think it would have been okay to say that it’s kind of your thing that you do alone when she initially asked, and it’s okay to backtrack and say that now.” This is such helpful advice, especially remembering that’s it’s ok to change my mind and that I’m not held to something I said before I’d had a chance to think it though.
Anon
Thanks. It was kind of you to leave the note for your neighbor. I kind of wish there were some tradition like dressing in black or otherwise mark myself as grieving for my acquaintances who don’t know, since it feels like grief is perfusing everything I do right now. I did love my cat and am grateful for all the good years we had.
Anon
(I mean a household pet specific tradition. It is not the same as other kinds of losses, but I am finding it hard in different ways.)
outgoing person
I like to make friends. I like to think I can pick up on social cues and would be mortified if someone thought this about me.
Clear statements before you get frustrated are the kindest.
“Sorry, we have to say goodbye because it’s our dinner time.”
“I’ve given it more thought and I’m not a very good companion for this hobby because it’s my me time where I can just focus on my own stuff and not on others.” and then (if true) “I still encourage you to try it, though. Here’s the time/place for hobby.”
Anon
This is good advice.
No Face
Don’t say yes or nothing when what you feel is “no.”
In the dinner example, you were waiting for her to notice that you were too busy to talk. Instead, I would say “Gladys, we can’t talk right now because we are about to eat dinner. Want to have a chat tomorrow?” And I would only say that if I was willing to have a chat.
When she brought up the hobby, my script would be “oh, horseback riding is my “me” time, but if you are interested in starting you could [do the beginner’s class / take a tour].”
At this point, do you care if she joins the hobby, or do you flat out not want her there? If you don’t mind her going on her own, then tell her the info but say that you can’t commit to carpooling.
Lizard
I love these scripts! They are so kind yet firm and clearly convey the intended message. Is this how people with high EQ and social graces naturally think to communicate?? It must be wonderful!
Azera
Agreed, these are perfect! I wish I could think of responses like this on the spot.
No Face
Thanks! It just takes practice. The goal is to be honest and kind to yourself and others.
Anonymous
As an introvert with social/general anxiety, I understand how the neighbor’s behavior would feel intrusive. But what you’ve written here is a lot of anxiety spiraling for a kind of minor annoyance. It sounds like you and DH haven’t been terribly direct with her, i.e., to tell her you are just sitting down to a Special Romantic Dinner (aka I only made enough for 2 so no I can’t invite you to join us) so you have to be going now byeeee. Or, yes I do that hobby and I would love to carpool however that just won’t work for my schedule, hope to see you there. You talk about boundaries, but boundaries have to be established through everyday contact, it’s not like a property line that you lay down once and that’s it. You’ve got to use your words, be direct and firm but polite, stop expecting her to pick up on vague social queues that are clearly missing her.
Azera
“boundaries have to be established through everyday contact, it’s not like a property line that you lay down once and that’s it.” Love this advice, thank you!
Anon
Maybe she is just lonely and likes you, and wants to get to know you better to become friends. You don’t seem to want that so you need to tell her (in not so many words) and set boundaries so she knows this.
Azera
Thanks all, you’ve given me some great perspective on things. As an introverted empath I was really stuck between trying to be kind to this lady and honoring my own needs. The lesson is obviously that I need to put my big girl pants on and use my words! It doesn’t make me a bad person, and it is kinder to my neighbor as she will know where she stands.
Thank you also for the advice on not having to carpool – in my mind it was the only logical option but you’ve shown me that my feelings about something can take priority over what’s logical. I will definitely work on these things going forward. You guys are the best :)
Walnut
I have a couple of chairs in front of my house that I use for impromptu neighbor chats. It makes for a casual chatting spot more intentional than standing at the front door, no one is in my house, and it is easy to use something in the house as a natural transition to leave.
Also, needing to run an errand en route to/from an event is a great way to decline carpooling. Don’t be specific, generic errand running is fine.
Also Anon
This sounds like a classic case of ask versus guess culture. She may be asking because hey, why not, the worst thing she can say is no, might as well shoot her shot and see if she can be included, and it sound like you’re saying yes because you’re figuring she’s done the calculus, she must’ve concluded it’s reasonable to expect a yes, and you’re worried that if you say no she’ll think you’re being rude and demand a reason. And maybe she will, and you can deal with that if it happens, but while I understand you’ve put effort into being neighborly and cultivating a healthy neighbor relationship, you don’t have to be her bestie, you don’t have to let her into every aspect of your life she seems interested in entering.
Azera
Thank you so much for this perspective, I think you have me better figured out that I do!
Anon
As someone who is not good about being direct and feels uncomfortable saying no, another (avoidant) option is to say – Sorry, no I need to combine my trip there with another errand I have, so carpooling won’t work for me.
You are welcome to join the activity, I might not get time to catch up with you there as I get very immersed in it, but I hope you enjoy it.
Anonymous
If your hobby is open to newcomers, is it possible that you could introduce her to people who aren’t so horrified at the thought making new friends? That might be a win for everyone.
Anonymous
Just tell this poor woman you don’t want to be her friend. Shes clearly some form of neurodivergent and will never read between the lines and pick up on subtle hints, you need to be forward and explicit.
Anon
I could use some clothing planning help for an upcoming week-long work trip to London and Amsterdam. Our offices are all business casual (whatever the European version of that is as people are all over the place on Zoom) and I will also be touring a few factories. There will be lots of walking and I will be meeting several higher-ups for the first time. I am also traveling with my (male) boss so I don’t want to be the female employee with tons of bags. Any advice or recommendations appreciated!
Ribena
If this were me, I would pack one skirt and one pair of good dark jeans, and a bunch of blouses and tops that work with both. I’d wear chunky boots or sneakers to travel (suitable for wearing in factories) and put a pair of lighter/smaller flats in my suitcase. I’d probably manage to get everything into my carry-on-ish sized suitcase, with a Le Pliage for my laptop and handbag type things.
anon in brooklyn
I have a similar trip going and I’m planning on bringing a pair of chelsea boots, a pair of cropped straight black pants, dark jeans, and a couple thin sweaters. Should all easily feel in a rolling carry on.
A
Walkable shoes like nice loafers.
Anonymous
Talk to me about selling clothes and accessories online. We’re getting ready to move and the down payment will leave us pretty cash strapped. I’d like to get as much as possible as quickly as possible for all the clothes and purses that I don’t use or want to move anyway. I’m a little intimidated by all the options! The last time I moved I took a bunch of stuff to Plato’s Closet because all these online options didn’t exist. Which platforms do you like? The bags are mostly brands like Kite Spade and Coach, not so much like LV, the clothes are Trina Turk, Halogen, MMLF.
Anon
This seems like a hassle when you already have the hassle of moving, and the amounts you get won’t make a dent financially. I’d donate honestly. I know on most platforms you can see what similar items have sold for. That could help you decide whether it’s worth pursuing.
Anon
Poshmark. It’s the easiest IMHO. No sending your stuff to someone else as a middleman, you set pricing, they send a label when it sells and you can drop things in a mailbox bc they use USPS. eBay is a hassle, real real is a hassle.
Anonymous
This. A friend got me into Poshmark and I’ve been please so far. Let me know if you want a referral code for a $15 credit.
The new feature they just introduced is you don’t even have to print the label anymore. You can just show a QR code at the USPS office and they will print the label. I generally print the label myself though as there is a postbox just two houses down.
Anon
Cosign poshmark as the easiest, but I don’t know that I’d recommend it while you’re also moving or if you need it as as a real money maker. I do it to get rid of stuff that I would otherwise donate but it does take time, require somewhat quick turnaround (I typically pack up and send within 1-2 days) and add a little headache to your life.
Anon
Brands like Kate Spade and Coach won’t make much on the resell market unfortunately.
OP
Yeah I’m kind of hoping it’ll add up by volume. I’m honestly shocked by how much I have that’s in great condition. I made a couple hundred dollars during my last move – enough to at least buy us takeout and beer while we move!
Anonymous
Poshmark. Anticipate you’ll get like 20% or what you paid back.
Anon
You will not make nearly as much money as you think you should. Be okay with that or don’t even bother wasting your time with it. It also takes a lot of time.
Delta Dawn
I sell Kate Spade and Coach type things on my neighborhood’s facebook marketplace page. I usually get no more than $20 or $30 even for a large tote and really do this more to clean out my closet than to make any significant money.
You can sell MMLF on their Second Act page, which is very easy and quick. Basic pieces in basic colors (black Foster pants) sell most quickly; more unique pieces sometimes do not sell. There is also an MML Buy/Sell/Trade on facebook that you can join and sell there.
Anonymous
I prefer Poshmark over FB because with FB you have to find a time to meet the other person and that takes so much back and forth it wasn’t worth it for me. I probably made more $ but the added stress to a busy schedule was not worth it.
Anon
Poshmark is easy-ish (you have to take decent photos, write descriptions, provide measurements, respond to comments, pack & ship). In my experience things that are higher end don’t move all that fast, and things that are lower end also don’t move quickly. Mid-range, popular things like Athleta Brooklyn pants or the J Crew Going Out blazer are more likely to sell quickly. The shipping fees factor in to what people are willing to pay and Poshmark also takes a cut of each sale, so the amount you pocket may be lower than you imagine. It’s a patience game.
If you want to get rid of a bunch of things quickly, I would find a consignment shop local to you or consider donating to a women’s career services program.
Anon
These are good tips. I’ve been able to sell things from brands like Everlane and J. Crew really quickly.
Anon
I love all of these brands – would you be open to listing them here and maybe some ‘rettes would be willing to buy them from you?
Kelsey
I had my first colonoscopy yesterday and it was quick and easy. While telling people I was going to be out, I was surprised to hear so many people who are my age and older tell me that they’ve never had one before. I am here to encourage you to go ahead and do it – early detection saves lives! Yes, you are “too busy” to do it and I am too (my husband had to take time off work as we don’t have any family nearby and I had to miss 8+ hours of billable hours and am totally behind getting back to people) but you have to prioritize your health! And when you have it scheduled, ask for the Sutab pills (you swallow 12 the day before, 12 the morning of) instead of drinking the mix with the powder. Okay, off the soap box now.
Traveler
So glad to hear it. Please everyone do what she said!
My colonoscopy turned up stage 3 rectal cancer at age 45 (I did have some symptoms). I am doing chemoradiation now and hating every moment of it — but I have a chance that its still curable. Despite that, I still can’t get my mother in her early 70s (still within screening age) to do a colonoscopy.
Anon
Well said! Colon cancer is very easily treatable and curable if caught early, but unfortunately many people don’t get colonoscopies or talk to their doctors. Don’t let embarrassment and fear hold you back. I have family history of colon cancer so I just had my first colonoscopy at 37 and will need one every five years. Even at my young(ish) age they had to remove polyps which could have turned cancerous. The prep wasn’t fun but the procedure itself was no big deal and the propofol nap was amazing. The hardest part of the whole thing was fasting the day before. It was totally worth it!
Walnut
100% cosign the pills. The scheduler for my last colonoscopy swore insurance wouldn’t cover them, but insurance didn’t blink an eye.
My kids will get to start their colonoscopy screenings around their 21st birthday. I can’t wait to give birthday cards filled with poop humor.
Cat
Walnut, do you start that young bc of family history? I’m late 30s (no symptoms of anything though) and asked at my most recent gyn appointment, and was told the starting age is now 45, recently lowered from 50. But wouldn’t mind getting checked out if you can talk them into it…
Anon
My dad had colon cancer in his forties and I was told to start screenings 10 years younger than his age when he was diagnosed.
Anon
Yes it’s 45 if you have no family history.
Curious
I’m so glad you’ll be here to give your kids 21st birthday poop cards :)
Walnut
Cheers to you and all of the other survivors of cancer and beyond here. May we all enjoy the simple things in life like quality poop humor. :)
And yeah, Cat, they’ll be screened starting at ten years before my diagnosis. There is probably argument for even earlier after a good long look at when I first showed symptoms, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Hollis
I will be making a pan of brownies for a potluck using a mix. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make them look special or more appealing? The last batch I used Duncan Hines mix and it didn’t have the same papery top that I like to see and I’m not sure why. I’ve read lot of advice on adding some coffee or espresso, but these are going to be for kids and adults, so I don’t want to add anything with caffeine.
Anon
For the papery top, just get the classic mix, whatever it’s called, not one of the new fangled kinds. Follow the instructions for “fudgy” brownies, not “cakey” (I think it’s 2 eggs vs. 3.)
You could add harvest M&Ms.
Anon
Papery top comes from sugar.
Anon
Ghiardehli brand mix, use melted butter instead of oil. If you want to add coffee, use decaf.
Anon
Beat the eggs before adding them to the mix.
anon
Add M&Ms or chocolate chips, and you’re golden.
Saguaro
I will shake some confectionary sugar (powdered sugar) on top, usually using a fine mesh strainer. Looks just a little bit fancier.
Lots to Learn
I usually make them special by making a cream cheese swirl on top. You can google plenty of recipes for the topping, which is super easy.
Anonymous
Add malted milk powder to the mix!
jdmd
Add Skor bits or crushed-up Heath bars. This is roughly 10,000 more delicious than chocolate chips, and I already love chocolate chips.
Anon8
My mom makes the best brownies– she swears by the Betty Crocker Fudge mix and adds chopped walnuts and chocolate chips. There’s really nothing else than can improve on a simple, perfect brownie IMO.
Anonymous
Adding coffee or instant espresso powder to a chocolate dessert or cake doesn’t change the look, it just makes it taste more chocolatey. I have never worried about the caffeine because it’s usually the equivalent of about one cup of coffee divided among 16 brownies or however many you cut.
NYCer
I like to use melted butter instead of oil.
anon
Ghirardelli double chocolate box mix. Underbake them by five minutes so they’ll turn out fudgy. Mine get rave reviews! I usually skip the powdered sugar, they’re plenty sweet on their own.
Anon
I like to swirl raspberry preserves into the top of the brownies after you pour the batter in the pan.
pugsnbourbon
This is the way. I love raspberries and chocolate.
Anonymous
GHiradeli brand mix, add extra chocolate chips. One of my friends makes these for every gathering and they are the best.
Anon
Does anyone have any retirement gift ideas for someone moving from the south to St Louis? It will be a group gift for someone who is single. No hobbies but he does have a dog. TIA!
Hollis
That is so thoughtful! He probably has to move a bunch of stuff, so I think a gift card tailored to his interests would be ideal. For example, a museum membership if he’s into art or movie tickets if he’s into movies. In cases like this, I typically get a gift card for a restaurant or coffee shop in the new place so that the recipient has an excuse to go there and treat themselves. If he has a favorite football team, there are a bunch of etsy stores where people make hand make bandannas for dogs that slide onto the dog’s collar. I got one of these for a friend for his fave team and he loved it.
OP
Thank you! These are all great ideas!!
Former St Louisan
A membership to the Missouri Botanical Gardens! It is absolutely fabulous year round, and it hosts high quality special events and volunteer opportunities. It’s one of the very few museum-like places in St. Louis that requires a paid admission. A yearlong membership is worth gold! Otherwise there are lots of St. Louis specialties that offer gift certificates, like Ted Drewes Frozen Custard, the Fox Theatre, and the numerous Italian restaurants on The Hill
Op
Thank you so much!! Appreciate these recs!!
Anon
I cross-posted on the moms site, but any recommendations for traveling in Bali, Singapore and Jakarta (with tweens/teens)? Access to the beach (with surfing, beginner to intermediate) in Bali is a priority. Mostly looking for places to stay, but would also take travel agent ideas because I’m feeling overwhelmed.
C
Not a location rec but the zoo in Singapore is amazing. Also Newton Hawker Center. I was there in 2014 but both are iconic so I expect they are still great!
A
Singapore zoo, night safari, botanic gardens. Eat all the food, especially hawker centres. Great place to buy pearls.
A
Singapore zoo, night safari, botanic gardens. Eat all the food, especially hawker centres. Great place to buy pearls.
TW: EDs
So, I have a history of restrictive eating disorders, off and on in various flavors from my preteen years through my 20s (I’m 30 now). The most difficult phase to kick – because it looked so normal and healthy from the outside – was a bout with orthorexia in my early 20s. I did a lot of work to get out of that mindset and adopt an “all foods in moderation”/intuitive eating approach, and consider myself recovered now. (Though anyone with an ED history knows that recovery is day by day, and little flare ups can still happen.)
Well, now life has thrown a curveball at me. Long story short: I have Hashimoto’s (autoimmune hypothyroidism) and while my thyroid hormone levels have responded well to treatment and are back in healthy range, I’m still having symptoms, my antibodies are extremely high, and my thyroid is riddled with so many lymph nodes that my endocrinologist can’t tell whether any of them should be biopsied to check for cancer. He explained that I have a lot of inflammation, and that I’ll need to implement some lifestyle changes to bring down the inflammation and hopefully get the lymph nodes under control. Biopsies are definitely on the table at my follow up appointment.
Here’s the problem: He’s asked me to go completely gluten, dairy, and sugar free for about 3 months, when we will re-check everything. To be clear: I am confident that this is sound medical advice for my specific situation, and would like to comply with his request to see if it improves my health. I’ve also communicated to him that I have a history of restrictive eating disorders and we discussed how much leeway I should have for breaks, special occasions, etc. He also told me to come back in immediately if it becomes too much.
I’m trying to approach this from a healthy mindset and make sure that I don’t get too obsessed and send myself into a bad mental place. Anyone have experience with this type of scenario? Any tips for how I could proactively fend off any ED triggers while going through this change? Someone recommended a dietitian, and I’m thinking that may be a good step.
Anonymous
This seems like something that should be done in partnership with a therapist or at a minimum a dietician.
Anon
My initial thought as someone who has a history of EDs and orthorexia is that you can eat plant-based/gluten-free very abundantly, and it doesn’t have to be restrictive. There are lots of food blogs with beautiful recipes (I like Feasting at Home and Minimalist Baker and Pickup Limes), and I think you can have a lot of fun with making recipes and delighting in the preparation/cooking of them.
It is your doctor telling you to be this restrictive, not an anxious internal voice, so I don’t think you have to worry about it being intrinsically disordered to cut these things out. I think also communicating socially that you are having to make these cuts would go a long way. I remember once cooking with my friend during my ED and shrilly begging him not to put a pad of butter in the pan. If you can avoid having to have things flare up that activate your anxiety (i.e., friends trying to share fries with you at a restaurant) that can be helpful as well.
A dietician and therapist both seem like good first steps. You can work through any feelings as they arise with the therapist and make sure you’re not being restrictive or activated.
But, I do think there’s a difference between “only eating 0-calorie squash noodles and rice cakes” versus “making bright colorful recipes with tons of veggies and lentils that I can eat as much as I want of.”
OP
Such a good point about the framing. I’m cutting things out because my doctor feels it will improve my health, not because of my own control issues/body issues/anxiety.
Anon
By all means see the dietician!
I don’t know if you’ll experience this, but since it’s one possibility, I want to say that going gluten free and sugar free counterintuitively actually improved my relationship with food a lot. My approach is intuitive eating while respecting my restrictions (basically eating the things that make me feel sick is never intuitive for me now that I’ve experience the pattern).
It turns out along with the Hashimoto’s I had low stomach acid and pernicious anemia antibodies, dysmotility, reactive hypoglycemia, and gluten intolerance. I now see my history with food as symptoms of these untreated conditions (that may not be true for you, but for me restricting the foods I actually needed to restrict and getting proper medical treatment for my conditions suddenly made eating simple and not fraught for me).
In retrospect, I kind of wish my doctor had brought up LDN earlier as something to help Hashimoto’s inflammation, since it seems to help a lot now that I’m on it. I also seem to need to be lower in the range and on combination therapy to really calm down my Hashimoto’s. I had a rough time when I was being told “well your TSH is technically within range now” despite having a lot of symptoms. Because I guess of all the GI diagnoses, I’m also one of the special snowflakes who feels better on Tirosint than generic levothyroxine. I envy people who just take some levo and feel fine with Hashi’s, but I’m still grateful that I can feel fine with several additional steps!
OP
Thank you for this!! I really appreciate your perspective as a fellow Hashimoto’s patient. I’m going to try to focus on the potential positive changes. I would love to feel better, and this diet will (hopefully) help with that, not cause further harm.
Anonymous
It doesn’t have to be restrictive. I come at this from a different angle but we have had to learn to work with gluten and dairy free diet for our daughter due to food allergies. Girls with food allergy are primed for eating disorders. It’s tough knowing that if you make a mistake your food can kill you. So we focus hard on messaging that food is delicious and varied.
Meal plan (note I’m not saying meal PREP – I ain’t got time to be at that). Figure out a solid rotation of 3-4 breakfast meals, 4-5 lunch meals, and 5-7 dinner meals that work for you. Write the list and put it on your fridge. Shop from the list so you have the options in the house. You can expand over time but this is enough to get you started without feeling overwhelmed. You can add to the list as you figure out what you like. Assuming sugar free means no added sugar, off the top of my head:
Breakfast – gluten free frozen waffles, coconut milk yoghurt with chopped fruit, gluten free toast with almond butter, oatmeal with raisins
Lunch – sandwiches or wraps, soups, omelets without cheese.
Dinner – tacos without cheese, pasta with dairy free pesto or with a bolognese sauce, salmon with sweet potatoe fries and salad, chili, stirfry, lasagna with dairy free cheese or no cheese.
OP
These are awesome ideas, thank you! And kudos for helping your daughter create a healthy relationship with food. Multiple allergies are tough!
anon
I would definitely see a registered dietitian (an RD specifically, NOT a “nutritionist” or a dietitian that doesn’t have the R) with a specialization in eating disorders if possible. I saw one when I needed to make diet changes for health reasons, and I also have a strong ED history. Having her develop meal plans for me helped me avoid having the obsessive part of my brain kick in.
OP
I can never remember the difference, so thanks for calling that out. An RD seems like the consensus. Will start researching now!
Work Bag Woes
Thanks for all who commented on my post earlier this week. Inspired by your advice, I decided to buy the Lo & Sons Seville bag. BUT, when I went to order online, the 15 in Seville bag is completely out of stock (with customer service saying there’s no timeline if/when it will be back in stock). Ugh!!! Can anyone comment on whether the 13 in Lo & Sons Seville is large enough for work papers, laptop, wallet, keys, phone, notebook, charger…? Any other recommendations? I swear, I feel like I’m trying to find a Unicorn!!
No Face
I don’t have a Seville bag, but that seems popular enough to find used on Poshmark or eBay or something like that.
Anon
Buy one used.
Anon
I wouldn’t buy the 13 inch to fit all that. There are several listings for complete (meaning interior bag + exterior shell) 15″ Sevilles on Poshmark right now, if you want to check those out. I have gotten two (both had the exterior shell + the interior bag) from ThredUp for $60 each, but they come and go quickly, so you may have to set an alert to catch one.
Chl
I just bought a Seville on Poshmark and it’s great!
Sasha
I’m probably thinking about this too hard but how crucial is a 2nd bathroom in a 2 bed condo? I’m starting a house search right now and have only been looking at 2bd/1.5+ba, but did a search for 2bd/1ba out of curiosity and was surprised at the price difference. It’ll just be me in the place for the foreseeable future so that’s fine for now, and I think it’d be fine if I ever had a partner move in, but I’m wondering if that’ll make the place less attractive for resale or renting in the future
Senior Attorney
It’s as crucial as you think it is. It’s absolutely imperative, I think, in a roommate situation. For a single or a couple, less so. Yes, the absence of the second full bath would make the place less attractive but I’d expect that to be reflected in the price so if you don’t need it then maybe you don’t need/want to pay for it.
Anonymous
If it’s for roommates/rentals you should get a 1.5 or a 2 bath.
Anonymous
DH and I are forever DINKs, although we lived in many one bath apartments, when we were purchasing 1.5 baths was mandatory. There’s a lot of quality of life benefits for us since DH is very lactose intolerant and the smell when his food is accidentally spiked is…… well let’s just say it’s worth the cost of the half bath.
Anonymous
No one likes company (or contractors or whomever) to use their everyday bathroom. I’m sure there’s a buyer for every house. But yeah I wouldn’t want a place without at least a powder room in addition to the primary bath, and I don’t even entertain that often.
Anon
Very important, hence the price differential. Young families also find the 2 bed/2 bath to be a good setup: kid or kids in one room, adults get their own bathroom, kids get a bathroom.
Weirdly, a second bathroom is a boon to cat owners: there is a place for a litter box that isn’t their bedroom or bathroom.
anon
That price difference you noticed? It means your resale value will also be lower. And it’s not a cosmetic issue that you can easily upgrade. For renting purposes this makes it far less attractive to roommates (or couples who want a second toilet for obvious reasons)
NYCer
This. A one bath house is basically always going to trade at a discount compared to a two bath house, in both rental and sales markets.
Cat
I didn’t realize how much a 2nd bathroom (whether half or whole) would improve my life until DH and I moved from a 1 bath house to a 2. It’s just the two of us but when we travel it’s the #1 thing I get homesick for, lol.
Nesprin
If there’ll be 2 people living there ever, you want at minimum 2 toilets (i.e 1.5baths). The first time you both get food poisoning, come back and thank us.
Anon
Does anyone on here have experience with borderline personality disorder or DBT? My therapist last night said she thinks I have characteristics of BPD, which felt like a reach to me but I’m trying to be open-minded since I think the framework would be helpful. I don’t have any of the behavioral characteristics, though I do experience intense emotions and anger that I manage internally. I’m wondering how common it is for people who are “high functioning” to get diagnosed with this, or if anyone has experiences with it they could share.
Anon
DBT skills can be helpful for emotional dysregulation from different causes (if it’s real DBT and not DBT-flavored CBT). So I agree with you that the framework can be helpful either way.
I question whether you could actually have borderline personality disorder if you don’t have the behavioral characteristics, since as my therapist explained it, the emotional outbursts associated with borderline personality disorder are motivated in part by the fear of abandonment and a need to influence people around us. So if your intense feelings are primarily internally managed and have no audience, that doesn’t sound like it fits the pattern to me?
I don’t know your mental health history. You may want to know that signs of trauma (especially C-PTSD) can be easily confused with borderline personality disorder (but are different).
It’s also pretty common for therapists to think of borderline personality disorder when they encounter emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD. (Most practicing professionals have more training in how ADHD presents in men than in how it presents in women.) Again, no idea if ADHD is even under discussion or is a ludicrous idea; I just know it can masquerade as borderline personality disorder. That is what it was for me; I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and intense emotions was almost the only sign of it that I was aware of (my short term memory and attention scored really badly on the neuropsychological assessment, but since I was always fine in school and have “hyperfocus” abilities, I never identified as scattered or disorganized or as having any problems with attention).
Borderline personality disorder is also a very popular misdiagnosis for spectrum disorders (think ASD-1, NVLD) in women. In men the more popular misdiagnosis is schizophrenia. But I think this happens mainly when therapists witness meltdowns and misinterpret them as manipulation or some kind of psychosis. So this doesn’t seem relevant to you if you’re not having visible emotional meltdowns, but is more of a caution that therapists can’t read minds, and it’s still easy to see three psychologists and get three different opinions because the nature of the work.
Anon
I do not have BPD, but I have been doing DBT for a long time and LOVE it. It’s not an exaggeration to say it’s changed my life. I started out with my therapist and then she recommended DBT group therapy (more like a learning workshop— we didn’t share our traumas or anything). After the group finished, I returned to one on one sessions and am now doing DBT prolonged exposure therapy for PTSD.
Learning to identify, understand, and deal with my emotions in a healthy way has been a game changer for me. The therapy also focuses a lot on mindfulness, which I am exercising through meditation and yoga. It’s all been a wonderful experience.
Anonymous
BPD is often a misdiagnosis in women for Autism.
anon
No personal experience to share but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is funny and delightful. I think it’s on Netflix
anon
My partner’s sister has borderline personality disorder. She is not able to live independently or hold down a job, so definitely not “high functioning.” It’s a very rough dynamic and a tough life – she fits the diagnosis criteria perfectly. This doesn’t answer your question, but I would start as skeptical if the descriptions you see online don’t reflect you. Maybe it would be worth asking someone you know personally whether they feel the diagnostic criteria reflects you?? There’s a lot of delusion associated with the person I know who is diagnosed, and I don’t think she has as much insight into her behaviour as the rest of us do.