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Suit of the Week

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159 Comments

  1. We have our thanksgiving long weekend coming up in Canada. I’m a jr. associate currently staffed on a file that has been non-stop since its inception and shows no sign of slowing down. My issue is that every year, my family does a canoe trip over thanksgiving – we will not have service and I will not be bringing my laptop, so I will completely unreachable and unable to work for a large portion of the long weekend. The partners on this file are very demanding and I am 100% that they expect me to work over the weekend. Any ideas on a script to break the news to them that I physically won’t be able to? Cancelling the trip is not an option.

      1. Cancel the trip and make arrangements to see your family after your work crunch is over. Your first obligation is to provide for yourself and you will damage your relationship with your team by ditching them at the last minute.

      1. This has been said here a million times, but I have no idea why working in BigLaw is worth it to people. No, I didn’t make $220k a year at 25 but I was able to be there for the people I love when they needed me, and that’s something money can’t buy. I hope, for all the folks out there who are sacrificing everything to work in BigLaw – I hope it’s worth it in the long run.

        OP, honestly, I would lie through my teeth and tell your employers there’s a family emergency and you have to go. They won’t like or understand that but maybe they won’t bother you about leaving. I don’t feel bad about lying to soulless, greedy people who have no empathy; they’re barely human anyway, so why would I worry about being scrupulously honest with them? If they find out you lied – which is doubtful – you may end up needing to find a new job but that’s probably the best thing anyway.

        1. What’s the point of this? People make different choices. Oooh, you’re enlightened (wait, except that you have the nerve to call people you don’t know and clearly can’t empathize with “barely human anyway”).

        2. Some people like making 220k at 25? Making 220k from say age 25-30 — even if you’re not in it for the long haul — sets you up in a way that no 100k job can. The work you get in biglaw is much much higher level than anyplace else — which matters if your area is finance related.

          1. I hope it works out for you. I’m old enough to have seen that prioritizing money over having a life – or counting on the idea that money made now will be able to buy a life later – doesn’t work out for most people.
            By the way, you know that the work is meaninglessness, right? There’s always going to be another deal or another big case. Five years from now no one will remember the deal/case the OP is working on or what she did or didn’t do while she was staffed on it. If you’re salving your conscience telling yourself it’s a worth it because the work is so critical? I’m sorry to say it’s not.

        4. I’m with you Anonymous @4:07. This is exactly why I left Big Law. And no, I don’t have as much in my retirement account as those who stayed, but I’m super happy with my decision and make enough in my non-profit job to pay the bills and have a good nest egg. You only get one life.

        6. “I don’t feel bad about lying to soulless, greedy people who have no empathy; they’re barely human anyway, so why would I worry about being scrupulously honest with them?”

          Interesting take. By doing this, you’d be dumping your work on your teammates, when it sounds like everybody already has a full weekend of work. It’s true, they probably wouldn’t bother you for a family emergency; they would just kill themselves to get your portion of the work done in addition to theirs. So who is the greedy one with no empathy in this scenario — the person who’s lying despite knowing the impact on their teammates, or the coworkers who would be covering for you?

          1. I’ve never had to lie about needing time off for a family event, because I don’t work in BigLaw. In the real world, people can take time off to be with their families without having to lie about it.

          2. I also never had to lie about needing time off for a family event, and I did work in biglaw. I planned ahead and had the courtesy to allow others to do so as well by giving plenty of notice. I never had to cancel a vacation. When I had a real family emergency, people were understanding and covered for me, as I did for them. I worked in a very demanding group but the people I worked with are also humans, and have families they’d also like to spend time with. But people don’t like to be dumped on when they’re already stretched. Look, I completely agree that biglaw is a very demanding, often unreasonable, place to work and not for everyone (I left). I also realize there are some truly horrendous people out there to work for. But one day, you will need your coworkers to be references for future jobs; you don’t want to be known as the person who lied to go canoeing while everyone else was in the middle of crunch time.

        7. Eh, different strokes for different folks. I worked in Big Law (not the biggest of Big Law, but an AmLaw 50 firm) for six years. I probably wouldn’t have made partner, but I was a highly regarded associate, and didn’t have to sacrifice my mental or physical health or personal relationships to be one. Yes, I worked long hours and there were plenty of weekends where I didn’t do much except work, sleep and have a dinner out somewhere with my husband. But I never had to cancel a vacation, and I never missed a family member’s wedding/funeral/milestone birthday.
          And honestly, earning $1M+ before I was 31 changed my life. I now have a very “leaned out” job – I work 30 hours per week, spend tons of time with my husband, parents and young kids, and I put 75% of my very modest salary in the bank because we bought our house in cash with my Big Law savings and don’t have a mortgage. I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for the world, and working in Big Law for 6 years made it possible. It is definitely not for everyone, but if you’re willing to make some short-term sacrifices, it can really pay off in the long term.

    3. When I was a jr. associate at a big firm, I would have needed a really good reason why cancelling is not an option. I mean, they can’t legally force you to work, and they might not fire you immediately, but it’s going to be killer to your reputation in the firm and make it really hard to get staffed on future matters.

      2. I’m OP – in response to all above: I’m not cancelling the trip, it’s possibly the last time my grandpa will be able to come. I won’t even entertain the idea of cancelling.

        2. In that case, I think you can see from the other comments that this may not go over well with the partners! In the future, obviously you should flag this well ahead of time. In this instance, I would apologize for the late notice, tell them you will be out of pocket from date to date, and if they seem peeved, consider noting that normally you would consider canceling but that you want to take advantage of limited time with your grandfather. In the grand scheme of things, 3 days is not a big deal and they will likely forget about it, unless you’re screwing them over on some major court or client deadline. And if they don’t, and they hold it against you, that’s something you should consider about whether you want to stay there long-term. (I say all of this as someone who has been in biglaw for close to a decade and has worked more than one holiday but has never and would never cancel a vacation for which I had given adequate notice.)

          3. You do in big law when you’re working on a busy matter and you *intend to be out of town and unable to communicate.* This isn’t hard to understand. I’m someone who utterly loathed big law because it didn’t align with my values and am still capable of figuring this out.

          4. I’m not even in Big Law (advertising) and anywhere I’ve worked when you’re on a big deadline means you don’t go out of pocket with no notice just because it’s a state holiday. This is super shitty to do to the rest of the team.

      3. Yes, even in my firm, we must meet dedlines, b/c if one person bails, the job might not get done and we could face legal liabilities. So big law or little law, we must do our jobs, and if you want to take time off on the job, work for the goverment b/c they do not care about dedlines.

    4. I’m usually for having awkward conversations in person, rather than by email, but in this case I’d say you email everyone on the team (partners down to staff) something like: “With the holiday weekend approaching, I wanted to alert you to the fact that I will be visiting family in a location where I do not expect to have connectivity from [Date] to [Date]. I will try to check email if possible. I will be back online as of [whenever] and will catch up then.”

      Do this yesterday. And be prepared for bad consequences, but it sounds like you’re willing to accept them.

      1. +1 Do this yesterday and I would offer to do as much as possible before I leave, because I will be out of reach. I’m not in law, but other demanding domain. This is a persona decision. I have had similar situations arise and I have decided what is the priority for me. We don’t know what kind of schedule you’ve been working…..if you’ve been pushing through long hours every week for several months and need a break, then you should take off and go canoeing with the family! You make the personal decision to leave and not be available and be willing to accept the consequences, OR you decide to cancel the trip, stay and work all weekend.

          1. Being unemployed is better than working in a situation like this. I’ve been unemployed. Ive worked in a job for an unholy viper of a boss. I’ll take being unemployed any day. P.S., people with degrees and good skills rarely stay unemployed for long. There’s a difference between being unemployed and not working in BigLaw, which after reading this blog I think you have to be a masochist to enjoy.

          2. They won’t fire her over this. Does it potentially hurt her long term? Yes. If she does this repeatedly, might she get pushed out? Yes. Is she getting fired when she comes back Tuesday? No. Biglaw firms don’t fire an associate over this kind of situation, because they know how bad that looks.

            Source: Have worked in 3 biglaw firms and am currently a partner in one of them.

          3. You seem to not understand Canadian employment law. OP can’t be fired for this.

    5. I mean, you can tell them you’re unavailable, but it will do lasting damage to your reputation (at best). Unless Canada Biglaw is very different than US Biglaw, the primary asset of a junior associate is his or her willingness to work at all times…

      Best way to frame up the idea I can even think of is asking the partners “do you think clients will take a break for the holiday weekend? My family tradition is an off-grid canoeing adventure that I would hate to miss and due to logistics, can’t attend only in part. But I don’t want to let anyone down due to unavailability.”

      1. Absent just cancelling outright, this is the best option. However, you have to be completely willing for them to say that it will not work and that you can’t go.

        Do you just start this fall? So you have been working at the firm for 2-3 months? If so, I would honestly try to have this talk with a well-respected midlevel or senior associate on the matter. I would give serious side-eye to any new associate who thought it was appropriate to tell me that she would be out of pocket for a week when a matter was busy.

        1. Canadian Thanksgiving is on Monday so it’s only 3 days total, it’s not a week.

    6. What did you do last year? If you’re really a jr Associate and this canoe trip is really every year….

      1. Last year I wasn’t staffed on any hot files at the time so I didn’t even tell anyone and was fine to catch up on the emails I got over the two days I was away when I got back into service. Very different circumstances than this year.

          1. Yes, this. This is why your question seems disingenuous. If you’re really at a place that has a “hot file” I just don’t see a reasonable mind waiting this long to try to make this work. So, on the off chance that this is genuine, I think you have to go with the good advice given here on how to handle it this time knowing it will ruin your reputation with those you work with for at least the short term. I would argue long term implications because a “reasonable” person on a “hot file” “that has been non-stop since its inception and shows no sign of slowing down” would have brought this up sooner.

          2. To be honest, I was hoping that the file would take a breather after last week’s big hearing (which was the culmination of a number of issues that had me working 24/7 for the weeks prior) and that I could quietly sneak away much like I did last year, without even having to raise it with the partners. Unfortunately it has been the opposite situation since that hearing. Totally my fault for not raising it earlier (I’m only in my second year, so not great at anticipating workflow yet).

            And no, I am not a troll to all who are commenting on that – it’s tough being an associate in biglaw. I haven’t been able to keep up with this blog lately, but am not at all surprised that others have asked similar questions. There are a lot of unsaid expectations and grey areas that are difficult to navigate, and things are picking up as we approach year end.

          3. +1
            Especially if there was such an important component to the trip as her grandfather being there. Curious what kind of hot file it is.

          4. OP I too suffered through a couple years of big law and I had it a lot worse than a lot of people here. I worked for an absolute psychopath partner (fully recognized by everyone and he was eventually fired, which is rare) and I eventually got pushed out at his request. I know it’s tough. I went to see a family member on their death bed and got reamed for it. (And I’d do it again, no regrets.) Sneaking away without informing partners usually isn’t a good plan. If something came up at the last minute and they expected you to be there, told the client that it could be accomplished and then found out you weren’t, that would be problematic as well. Just FYI. I know it’s awful but in order to navigate it you have to think about it from their perspective. They are trying to do work that is incredibly important to the client and important to maintaining their relationship with the client that they have cultivated for years and that keeps people at the firm employed. Yeah, a lot of them are absolute jerks and sometimes they’re totally unreasonable. But they aren’t interested in a conversation about boundaries when there’s an emergency TRO that needs to get filed and the client is just as happy to take its business to the big law firm next door. You’ve got to be smart about these things. You’re right that there are unspoken expectations. People here are telling you what the expectations are.

      2. Haven’t we been getting more than a handful of posts recently about associates at law firms needing advice on their hours/time/vacation? Each time I feel like there is a comment that comes in and tells the OP to not be a doormat and set boundaries, or similar (like below). Is this all one troll?

        1. I posted below that it seems like a weird little research project. ‘Just how much do these crazy ladies expect you to bend over!?1 OMG no work life balance.’ You’re right on the pattern.

        2. I think a different generation is moving into the workplace, and these folks have been raised with a different set of values about work. And those values are clashing with what traditionally has been acceptable in BigLaw. What happens in BigLaw doesn’t really exist in the rest of the world and so they’re just trying to figure this out. It’s reasonable for them to ask questions about it.

          1. I think you’re right, and I actually agree with them, but I wonder what exactly they expect to accomplish by pulling stunts like this. This isn’t how you make structural changes. This isn’t how you change the culture of your workplace. I’m pretty young and idealistic but even I’m not that naive.

          2. Agreed. It’s generational change at work. And ultimately, it’s a good thing if we get to the point where top-quality associates say “this life doesn’t work for me” because that will force change. I’m already seeing it at my firm (am a biglaw partner) and I’m glad for it.

          3. I do agree there’s a generational change, but the consistent tone of these posts is a lack of understanding of expectations, rather than a well-thought out effort to make a culture change. That’s a separate issue – and they can be tough to figure out, for sure. Absolutely a good idea to ask questions. But there’s a smart way and a lot of dumb ways to go about trying to set boundaries. What I hope OP and others take away from this is not that she shouldn’t set boundaries or value her life, but rather, how to do it in a smart way.

          4. anon @ 6:12, I 100% agree with you, but I think the commenters here are just interested in stirring the pot vs. getting actual, applicable advice.

      1. Don’t cancel the trip and be a doormat….use this as an opportunity to set clear boundaries for your personal and family time.

        1. That will definitely work out well! I get the intention here, but the advice people are giving is based on the actual, real world.

        2. There will be a real clear boundary established….a boundary between you and any future employment at this firm.

          1. Exactly.

            OP, feel free do to it. Its your career. But it will have consequences. I would gently suggest that this is not the best opportunity or way for you to “set boundaries.” Reasons: it is a personal trip (v. family emergency or health issue; you did not give the partners enough notice (this is key!! it is disrespectful and it does not give them time to plan. Have you made any plans or efforts to ensure that your balls won’t get dropped while you’re on this trip? That your absence won’t impede others’ progress? That you’ll be able to meet any deadlines?); this matter sounds critical if you are already expecting that you’ll be asked to work.

        3. Is someone running some sort of thought experiment or research project here with all of these recent big law/boundary questions?

    9. You might get away with 24 hours of unavailability on the Sunday, but you will likely have to work Saturday and Monday.

      Asking for all of Thankgiving weekend off as a junior associate on a big deal is not going to fly. My reference points are mid-law in Atlantic Canadian cities so I can imagine if you’re Toronto BigLaw then it’s even less likely to be acceptable.

    10. Canadian Thanksgiving is not nearly the major family holiday that American Thanksgiving is. Unless you are producing amazing work or have some niche ability they need (patent law), you are going to blow up your career at this firm if you announce that you are unavailable the entire weekend.

    11. Also in Canada biglaw but not a junior (anymore). Next time, I would raise this issue farther in advance. A month to two weeks would be better – long enough they have time to work around but short enough they won’t forget.

      At this point, the script suggested above about whether clients will take a break might work. If they are US clients, you are definitely out of luck but you could phrase it as checking in on the plans for the holiday weekend. You need to let them know you have a trip while acknowledging you would be willing to cancel if it absolutely can’t be helped (given you are now two days out). Can you arrange for extra articling student support or can someone else step in for you? That would help cushion the blow.

      I wouldn’t cut a junior for doing the above and certainly take time myself where I am not at all accessible, but I a) clear it farther in advance than two days before and b) don’t do it when I have a crazy file on the go.

      1. I wouldn’t mention canceling yourself. If you mention canceling to the an insecure junior associate type of partner or a more senior/prides himself on having no life outside of work partner they will 100% say — yep, it’s canceled. But sometimes they don’t have the nerve to bring it up themselves. Let them bring it up, not you.

    12. Yikes, and you decided to wait until two and a half days before to even try to do this?!

    13. I guess as someone who has been there and done that in (US) biglaw and got pushed out despite my 3000 hour years etc., I’d say don’t cancel if this is just a busy case (if you’re actively at trial right now, then it’s different you can’t just leave). You can live your life for years on their schedule (like I and many others did) and at the end of the day still not be made partner. And on the flip side, if they love you and see you as one of their partners (often because “you remind them of them at that age” — i.e. you’re a bro), then guess what that 3 day canoe trip as a 2nd year isn’t going to keep you from partnership.

      I however would NOT say canoe trip, as that makes it sound like some optional fun holiday and you’ll leave the impression that you chose fun over work. I’d say — I need to visit my family in x (name a rural place near where you’re going) for Thanksgiving, I will bring a laptop and cell but I expect very limited/almost no connectivity, I will get you x, y, z before I leave and will plan on doing C on Tuesday when I return, thanks. Though I WOULD bring a laptop and would work some. I know you say there’s no internet, but there’s no reason you can’t download stuff onto a laptop, work in the evenings/at night once your older relatives are asleep for the night (or first thing in the morning before your family gets going). That way you get some stuff done over the weekend, and then on Monday night when you return to your home or Tuesday morning first thing you can drop the email that said — a draft of xyz is attached. That may beat their expectation of — oh she said she’d do XYZ when she returns, she’s not in the office until 9 on Tuesday, no way I’m seeing a draft before 5 pm on Tuesday, how inconvenient.

      1. This. I’ve proofread stuff by a campfire in a Cdn national park before. If you get your edits noted over the weekend and turn around and reply via email on Monday evening as soon as you get back, that might be okay depending on the nature of the deal.

      2. +1 to all of this. And then expect to work your tail off before and after the trip without any sympathy from the rest of your team.

    14. If you won’t cancel the trip then you will need to bring your laptop and find internet access somewhere.

      1. Agree. Most national parks have internet access in Canada. And even more have full cell coverage so you can use your cell as a hotspot.

      2. This. Rent a car and drive to a starbucks (even if it’s a ways away) or SOMETHING. Buy a hot spot from a different provider if they have coverage. You get paid the big bucks for this. If you want someone to respect your weekend away, take a pay cut.

    15. NAL and NC (not Canadian) so maybe this is all wrong but, in case it helps, what about talking with your superior and saying something to the effect of, “I know how busy it is right now. However, this holiday is likely the last opportunity I have to see my grandfather before his passing. To go to see him over Thanksgiving puts me in an area without consistent internet. However, I was thinking that I could do x and y before leaving, edit z while I am away and offline, and then as soon as I return to wifi signal (give a day and approximate time), I’ll email z over to the team, read and respond to all emails, and be up to speed when I walk in Tuesday morning with everyone.”

      Maybe the leader will allow this since you gave a plan, maybe they’ll recommend another plan (so decide how much work you are willing to do while away so you can make a commitment to this only if you will follow it), or maybe they’ll tell you that you can’t be away that long. Just prepare for an answer if they say you cannot go. Decide your priorities in advance so that you know your answer no matter what the response is. And then, if you are allowed to go, be the first in, last out for a long while to indicate that this one trip does not mean you are not invested or prioritizing them.

      1. I would be careful about saying X is the last opportunity to see a family member before his passing, if it might not be true. You can only play that card once.

        OP said this *may* be the last time her grandfather can come on a rigorous canoe trip. If that’s because he’s old and his health is generally failing, then there may be other opportunities to visit her grandfather. If she says this may be the last opportunity to see him before his passing, it’ll sound like he’s on his death bed. If he’s actually on his death bed in a year or two, it’ll be harder to use that excuse to go see him.

        1. This. It doesn’t even sound like he is ill, just getting older and less physically active. Most 80 year olds aren’t doing multi-day canoing trips, but plenty of people live to 90+. There’s no indication at all that this will actually be the last time she sees him.

    16. Ooof. Normally I’m so supportive of carving out time and not martyring yourself for work (including biglaw), and I completely sympathize with not wanting to miss an important family event, but here I feel like you really blew it by waiting so long to bring this up. It’s honestly a pretty d**k move to wait until the last minute and then throw up your hands and offload your work onto the rest of your team, regardless of whether not this is a “big” holiday for most people. If you came to me as a senior associate and told me you weren’t even going to take your laptop, I think my head would explode (and I’m normally very calm, I swear!). I get trying to wait and see if you’ll be able to get away with not saying anything (esp. since that worked out for you last year), I’ve done it myself, but I think you can only do that if it’s for an event you would be willing to cancel. If you have a hard-no-not-cancelling type of event, you need to get in front of it and block the time well in advance. Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge for this year.

      For this year, here is what I would do. First, I’d get on the phone with your firm’s IT team stat, and ask for any and all possible solutions that will get you network access during the trip. Can you use your phone as a hot spot? If not, you have to pre-download stuff or find a coffee shop you can go to, as mentioned above. You must bring your laptop, that’s crazy talk to say you’re not. Come up with some sort of solution. With that solution in hand, I’d then probably go in person to the nicest senior member of the team and come at this from a perspective of, look — I really messed up by not saying anything sooner. I realize this will impact others and I will never do that again (and then don’t!!!). But this is really important to me (explain about your grandpa), and here’s a plan I’ve come up with to do my part and not leave the team hanging. If they like you as a person, you normally do good work, and you proactively offer a way that you’re going to get some of the work done, maybe they’ll be sympathetic enough to shuffle and find coverage for part of your work. But they might also tell you tough. Either way, I think you’re doing yourself some damage here. But it is what it is at this point. Best of luck.

      1. Also, it’s not too early to think about how you intend to handle it next year. You won’t be able to play this card twice, so you may want to emotionally prepare for this to be the last “annual” canoe trip, and plan to make the next trip – even if a year or two later – when you are not on a hot file (but be fully prepared to cancel if work is busy).

        Honestly, one of the hardest decisions of being an adult was when to decide the “annual family trip” or “family holiday tradition” expectation no longer worked for me as an independent adult with a job and then spouse and kids of my own.

    17. Not in BigLaw but I was with a firm that did boutique work and handled a file that was non-stop for about 15 years (including a judge and opposing party going to federal prison for bribery). Will four days make a difference in the outcome of this case? Is there any immediate deadline/trial coming up? If trial is in a few weeks, that’s the only reason I would recommend cancelling the trip. Otherwise, seriously, a long holiday is not going to make one bit of difference in the long-run, and your senior partners should understand that.

    18. If you’re still checking this, I’m incredibly surprised that no one has suggested bringing a hot spot on the trip so you’re not totally unavailable. My firm (US – not big law) has them that we can check out, but obviously you can get them from other places (your cell provider). Then you can explain you’ll be out of town and maybe even have some pockets of limited availability but you won’t be totally off the grid.

  2. Ok so I just bought a super comfy athleisure sweatshirt. It’s the kind that crosses in the back leaving a big keyhole space.

    Do I wear only a sports bra under it knowing it’s totally visible? Or a tank + sports bra? If sports bra, is it ok for it to be short or does it have to be like a bra top type bra?

    I’m talking about in public, not at the gym or in yoga class.

    1. I would do either tank or sports bra. A sports bra would look intentional. A regular bra wouldn’t look right to me.

    2. I would just wear a sports bra. That’s usually how those tops are styled, so it will look intentional. If it’s the back that’s showing, I think any type of sports bra or bralette that doesn’t have back hooks and isn’t nude colored would be fine.

      Alternately, you could wear a normal bra and a camisole.

      1. I think this is the kind of shirt that’s made to show off a sports bra or bralette. At least that’s how I wear them, and in public too.

  3. Is anyone who does not work in politics super stressed out about the current political situation in the U.S.? It’s very unlike me, but since yesterday evening I haven’t been able to shake it. I’ve tried reading about other things online, having tea, going for a walk, but this feeling of anxiety and dread is just not going away.

      1. Same. Although, I’ve been a little compulsive in reading the news for the last week or so, which is affecting productivity. It is objectively stressful. I think it’s objectively terrifying, but I’m trying to tell myself I’m overreacting.

    2. I stopped reading all news except local news and stopped looking at Facebook and Twitter. It really helped.

    3. So take this for whatever you want, but I’m an empath, and the vibe in D.C. is so on edge right now. There’s a feverish, panicky, “this is not who we are” vibe that I’ve only felt one other time: when we were separating mothers and children at the border. Normally the D.C. vibe is people Getting Ish Done, but that’s gone right now and it’s just replaced with concern for our country and our future.

      And since exercise and meditation have not worked to turn off my extra sense this week, I’ll be drinking a bottle of wine tonight to force it to quiet down already. I’ve got my own life to live without feeling the distress of the city.

      1. Or take a trip to the mall! Out here in Tysons Corner no-one appears to give a sh*t. They are very excited, however, that the Matcha place opened next to Starbucks.

      2. Uh I live in DC. It’s not of this. I’m moving on with my own life because politics — whatever happens happens. Who cares?? I think there’s a % of people like you in DC (all of whom seem to work in my building) but they’ve just enjoyed the hand wringing — over absolutely nothing — for the last 3 years.

        1. Who cares? People who care about the well-being of others, that’s who. Which is decidedly not you, from the rest of your comment.

      3. ….we are still separating mothers and children at the border. Seems weird to talk about that in the past tense.

      1. +1 I am praying we get through this chapter without permanent damage to our country. We have all been betrayed by political and religious leaders who have abdicated their responsibility to lead and sworn blind allegiance to a would-be petty dictator.

  4. reposting for more visibility:
    Favorite gift for Mom – bonus points for something amazonable. She likes all typical “mom gifts” like tea, jewelry, all beauty stuff, perfume, cute tops…but I’m all out of ideas. Budget – up to $200.

    1. Cozy blanket or the latest trendy style of sweatshirt/pullover (I’m seeing fuzzy “sherpa” pullovers a lot). If she doesn’t like trendy, you could go with something cozy from LL Bean. To make the gift fancier you could get it monogrammed and/or include it with a basket of consumable treats that she likes.

    2. The most popular gifts for my parents haven’t been super expensive- they love upgrades to stuff they already own that needs replacing. Steak knives to replace the ones that were 20 years old and so dull, a Scout makeup bag with separate slots for brushes, silver picture frames, that sort of thing. None of these things are top of the mind spending either

      1. A few years ago I replaced the matching LL Bean shearling slippers my parents have always had – they were falling apart. Thanks for the reminder to surreptitiously check their condition the next time I’m home!

    3. Fancy soaps
      fancy olive oil and vinegar
      Pasta and pasta sauce
      Cashmere scarf and warm slippers
      Ice cream fixings: cute bowls, sprinkles, chocolate sauce, caramel sauce

    4. Does Mom cook; does she have family who cooks too? One year I gave my mom and two aunts the same Pioneer Lady cookbook thinking that it might spur them to share the recipes they tried from the book, and give my solitary mom a way to connect with her sisters.
      Like many of the gifts I overthought, it didn’t work that way, but I tried. ;)

  5. PSA (by which I mean public service announcement) for anyone looking for a cocktail-holiday party-evening out dress:

    I just got this black lace one from H&M of all places and it is fantastic, very flattering, soft fabric and it seems comfortable due to the stretch. It runs large; I’m a busty 12/14 and usually have to size up to fit my b**bs and then alter the waist. With this one, the XL hung on me but the L was great, fit my hourglass perfectly. There was a sale on, I paid only about $40.

    https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0800801001.html

    2. And here is my PSA for black H&M velvet party dresses – take a shower before going to bed! No matter how much you just want to fall into the sheets drunk at 3 AM. I went straight from black velvet H&M dress to white bed sheets and my body transferred SOOOOO much dye, turning my sheets purple purple purple. Took ages of soaking and oxiclean and eventually pretty strong bleach to remedy.

      1. Did you wash the dress before you wore it? I’ve had color transfer issues with a few velvet items so now I wash all new clothing before wearing it the first time.

  6. I asked DH to figure out flights, accommodations, a restaurant, and an activity for a milestone birthday. We don’t do gifts or anything for birthdays.

    He hadn’t bought tickets until this morning when I got frustrated and searched and showed him options. He told me to figure out hotel because he hadn’t been there before and I had been. I did because I didn’t want to deal with the back and forth anymore (which is what happened with flights the 4 times I reminded him before doing it myself). He expects a trophy for getting dinner reservations and an activity figured out.

    I feel so loved right now.

    1. Logically… going to guess he doesn’t equate the planning and work with how much he loves you so he has no idea this causes you to feel this way.

      Emotionally… I totally get why you feel this way. <3

      I wonder if it would work to tell him outright that one of the top ways you feel loved is when he puts thoughts and effort into planning and just makes something happen without you lifting a finger or reminding him. I also wonder if this is a Love Language difference and maybe learning how he means to show he loves you would help you to see that so you can feel as loved as you deserve. Or he's scum and we hate him right now… whichever version of support you need!

    2. This sounds like a task that is completely out of your husband’s wheelhouse.
      I am married to an engineer and if I were to ask him to make travel plans, he would spend HOURS developing itineraries and flow charts. For weeks, our conversations would consist of endless questions regarding equally appealing options…ie “Would you like a massage or a facial? Why did you pick a facial? Would you still eat Chinese food after a facial? What about Thai?”
      I was well aware when I married him that this was his weakness. In turn, he has learned to book things through travel agents and concierge.

      1. I’m totally like your husband here. Also an engineer, spend weeks planning vacations and making spreadsheets. I love it. My also engineer SO can’t be bothered lol.

      2. Yep this is my husband (a professor in a STEM field). I love him, but I’ve accepted that I can’t ask him to make even the simplest of plans because it will go like that. Fortunately I love planning, so the fact that I always have to plan vacations isn’t a huge cause of angst for me. But yeah, it feels a little crummy always planning my own birthday celebrations.

    3. I can empathize. I spent months planning a spectacular milestone birthday trip for my significant other. Flights, hotel, 3 dinners, 2 shows, transportation, etc. I asked him to book 1 dinner. ONE. He booked it the night before we left for the trip and acted like he deserved a parade. Sigh.

      I agree with the poster above about this being a Love Language thing for you. If you haven’t read the book, or know of the concept, I highly recommend it.

    4. Next time say “Hey I don’t want to do any of the emotional labor or planning for this birthday trip. You can either plan it or pay someone to plan it but I will be very disappointed and frustrated if something doesn’t happen on my birthday. I am okay with you not doing it, but you need to facilitate it happening.If you don’t facilitate it, I will feel unloved because gifts/gifts of time are my love language” and then don’t worry about it. And if it doesn’t happen use the same amount of money that would have been spent to go to a hotel by yourself and consider the fact that your husband is okay hurting you this way. And if it does get planned, don’t complain once about the choices that were made and just enjoy that it was done! He is obviously is used to you picking up the slack if he doesn’t do it, so what is his motivation for actually doing it? You married this guy – has he ever been able to do this skill?

    5. I have learned we each need to play to our strengths. That means I do the trip planning and my husband does the house prep, calls the cat sitter and stops our mail. I do gift buying for the holidays and wrap and he runs the zillion random errands and buys the tree. Etc. Just find a split that works for you two.

    6. We have a travel agent. It seems silly, especially for domestic trips. But her fee isn’t expensive, and she knows waaaaaaaay more than we do. So, for our anniversary trip, my husband called her! I wholeheartedly recommend this strategy.

  7. I’m thinking about doing a custom closet set-up in my bedroom, because right now the space is very underutilized and I can’t keep it organized. Two Questions. First, what brands have people had good or bad experiences with? Second, once you have it installed, can you change it around at all? I worry that my needs may change over time and whatever I set up now may not be the right set up for 10 years down the road.

    1. We have two small walk-in elfa closets from The Container Store and love them. The set-ups are changeable so theoretically we could completely redesign tomorrow. We paid for them to install and it was 100% worth it, really love them. We did it roughly this time of year when there was a sale. The person we worked with also helps customers remotely, happy to share info!

  8. How do you stay happy for others when you’re not hitting the same milestones?

    I am determinedly trying to date and have been for years. I’m aging out of the possibility when biological kids would be possible, which I have (mostly) accepted. Lately it seems like everyone I work with is pregnant, talking about getting pregnant, or talking about their adorable life-changing babies. The culture at my workplace is one of nonstop baby showers and lots of excited small talk about these life milestones. I can only summon up so much energy for this stuff. I’ve thrown countless coworker showers and it looks like I will be throwing one more (many of my close friends at work have been or are getting pregnant over the last 2-3 years. Lots of mid-30s women at this place).

    No one would know I feel this way on the inside. I’m known for being the party planner, the enthusiastic host, the one who rounds up donations for the gifts. Maybe it’s how I deal with my pain. But if I don’t do it, no one else will. And my friends deserve a party.

    I definitely don’t want to have a kid on my own, but it’s still hard to ensure I’m having the appropriately “SQUEE” reactions when I feel sad inside about this. Dating takes so much energy and when it doesn’t work out, it’s even harder to show up at work trying to get excited about the next pregnancy. It’s certainly not fair to NOT be excited for people who are having wonderful things happen, but lately it’s like I don’t know how to show up for them and still take care of myself.

    Any tips on how to deal?

    1. You’re a good friend to them to let your feelings not overshadow their joy, but you are also a person whose feelings are valid!

      Maybe come up with a stock answer when you get asked to throw parties? “I wish I could but work is super stressful and I’d never be able to commit to the time and attention that you and this event deserves, but I’m happy to bring xyz to the event!” (and make xyz something you either enjoy making or something you can afford to outsource and buy). If it ends up being too much to attend, “I’m so sorry that work has me forced to cancel everything in my personal life this weekend. I know I promised to bring xyz so I’m going to order it and have it delivered and I’ve sent a gift right to your home” (and you can even spend a bit more on the gift if you feel guilty).

      The reality is that the dating world sucks and biological clocks suck and there’s nothing we can do about that but you don’t have to be in the middle of situations where things are hurting your heart.

      1. Yeah. Stop throwing the parties. That’s like salt in the wound. (Also childless and aging out; not by choice although I’m married)

    2. Two things:

      I’m about your age, newly married and pregnant, and COMPLETELY understand how hard it is for singles to celebrate our milestones. It’s not an excuse for them to be rude, but if, e.g., a single person comes to the wedding but not a slew of pre-wedding events, or brings a present but lets someone else host the baby shower, I understand. My life isn’t better for having my single friends be unhappy “celebrating” me.

      What the above poster said about having other people do this. You shouldn’t be the only person in your office throwing baby showers anyway, for a variety of reasons. Use this as an opportunity to delegate the task to someone else. Draw up a to-do list from previous showers and hand off the task.

    3. No advice but you’re not alone, if it helps. Well, I guess I have a little advice. The only thing that really seems to help me is engaging in my hobby that I’m truly passionate about and very good at. Gets me out of my head, makes me feel good about myself, lights my soul on fire.

    4. Oh boy, OP….I can relate. (Late bloomer, married at 35, and now dealing with infertility…..so I got to deal with friends having boyfriends that I didn’t have, engagements I was nowhere near, and babies I haven’t been able to conceive. Good times.)

      I agree with others that it isn’t your sole responsibility to do this. I think you could close the “circle of trust” a bit. For instance….I threw my best friend on the planet a baby shower. But I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else. Your feelings matter, and if you need (hell, WANT) to give yourself a break…..you should.

    5. I’m in a similar but different boat (dealing with infertility) and it’s the worst. It is kind of amazing how insensitive even my closest friends are. It comes from a good place but I have always tried to be extra sensitive and be an extra good friend to our friends who were out of sync with the rest of the group’s life stages and it turns out my other friends do not (I recently found out they have a moms text chain, which, because so many of our friends are now moms, has almost entirely replaced our old text chain – as if I’m not worthy of keeping in touch with because of the status of my womb – ouch!).

      Anyway, as others have said, I have dealt with this by offloading planning duties onto other friends. There was a bit of a rough transition since everyone was used to me being the planner but now it is fine (I am in biglaw so I used that as an excuse).

      I also have focused on strengthening my friendships with my childless friends. I still maintain my other friendships but I have found that my stress levels have decreases significantly. Lifelong friendships have seasons and this is what works for me right now.

      1. +1
        I, too, have found that my best friends have been not so great infertility supporters. In fact, my unmarried, non-mom friends have been far better in this regard. My best friend (who is a mom) was in the “relax…have more sex” camp for a very long time, and then the “I can’t believe you’re doing IVF…that’s not something I’d ever do” camp. Great, well….thanks. She’s a bit more understanding now that it’s taking them a while to conceive their second kid, but it’s been a rough road.

  9. Dating someone new after several years of not dating. We are both mid to late 30s, never married, no kids. When we met, it was neutral chemistry (comfortable instantly but unclear of romantic or physical chemistry), when we kissed that night it was fireworks. We kept texting and are on the same page with mutual interest. 2 weeks between that date and the next, due to work. Chemistry was back to comfortable, gardening happened… twice in one night. I’d rate it about a 7 out of 10. Still not sure if chemistry is fireworks or just comfortable. I think maybe it is because we have had dates that have not been super in depth discussions or intellectual, as the dates have happened after we’ve each worked 12+ hr days so it’s been more about small talk and being in each other’s company. but I am not sure and am just guessing.

    I can’t tell if I am overthinking and should let it keep developing or if I should look for someone with enough sparks to not make me overthink. (For historical sake, last 2 exs had enough sparks to make a flame, which was fire hot for a while, then burned my emotional house down til we broke up.)

    Advice or Guidance?

    1. It all sounds promising to me! You’ve only been out twice, right? Keep going out with him and see what develops.

      7 out of 10 is pretty good for a first time. In my experience, it only gets better with time as you become more comfortable with each other and know each other better.

    2. You have gone on two dates, both of which went well. Keep seeing him and see how you feel over time. Try to schedule dates on the weekend or other times when you are not exhausted after a 12 hour workday. I can’t image going on any date after a 12 hour workday, let alone an early date with a new person. You will have a better sense of how you feel if you can see him without being exhausted.

    3. What’s the reason not to let it keep developing? I can’t tell how many dates you’ve been on, but it’s not exclusive, right? So why not keep seeing him?

      Comfort can be a powerful thing in terms of eventual fireworks developing.

    4. Brutal honesty: you’re in your mid-thirties and the magical spark you’re looking for hasn’t happened yet, apparently. You could date the rest of your life and never feel what you think you’re looking for – or, more accurately, that you’ve found previously and that made you miserable. Is continuing the never-ending quest for fire what what you want and would feel okay with? If that’s fine, go ahead and continue throwing over decent guys looking for that one in a billion who hits the right button. If not, here are some more reasonable questions to ask:
      – Is he kind?
      – Is he smart?
      – Is he a conscientious, responsible, hard-working person?
      – Do you have compatible goals and values?
      – Does he want the same kind of future you want?
      7/10 gardening is pretty good, as these things go, and my experience (and that of my friends) was that 10/10 gardening generally only happens with people who are 1/10 in terms of long-term relationship potential.
      Sorry for the bluntness but I see a lot of women out there who aren’t happy because they won’t let themselves be, because they seem to enjoy playing life on “hard mode” rather than accepting that in life and love, perfection is unattainable. It’s cool to choose that life for yourself as long as you can accept that it is a choice. And that you have to live with the consequences.

      1. +1 The only people I ever had fireworks with were unstable to the point of being scary or constantly unemployed. I married my husband because he’s the best man I ever met. Is he the best gardener I’ve ever encountered? Nope. But he’s pretty good. He’s also brilliant, kind, hard working, will be a great dad, and takes me on pretty great vacations. I chose well.

  10. Real boring afternoon topic- how do you organize the detergents on top of your washer? A tray? A bin? Our laundry area in the basement is visible from an area that guests use as a spare bedroom so I want it to look more put together but be practical enough that we actually keep up the system.

    1. I have a closet next to my laundry alcove, and my mom has a cabinet above her washer. We’re both able to keep our detergent out of sight. Is it possible to install a closet or cabinet?

  11. Yom Kippur is all about asking forgiveness from people you have wronged in the last year. Jewish or not – write below people you wish you could forgive or people you wish would apologize to you.

    1. My dead-by-suicide ex for everything I put up with before he died and had to deal with after.

  12. I’m wondering if my brand new habit of eating pistachios 4-5x per week is making my skin break out very visibly. I’ve literally just eaten my first pistachios and love them, and my chin is a mess. I do get hormonal acne but not to this degree. Anyone ever see this connection?

    1. Maybe there is something on the shells or the oils that get on your fingers and then you touch your face? I would try being super intentional about not touching face while eating, washing hands and surfaces after, and seeing if that clears it. Or try not eating them and see if that clears it. That should give clarity on cause and then you can choose your priorities!

  13. I don’t know if I just need to vent – I’m having a rough time. My spouse is in the middle of the worst depression of his life and is in a toxic work situation. I’m handling just about everything else because he just … can’t. I’m still fairly new at my own job and I’m making dumb mistakes, which I know is exacerbated by stress. I feel completely overwhelmed.

    I know this is temporary, I know he is working to get better. We are okay financially for a while, even if he quits without anything lined up (I think he will). We don’t have kids. I’ve got my own therapist. But I have been treading water for a while and I’m not a good swimmer.

    1. You poor thing – hugs from an internet stranger! I would honestly encourage him to quit soon, without something lined up. The toxic job situation isn’t helping him, and is probably a major source for his depression. Take that out of the equation and he will probably get better faster. And once he’s on the mend he might be able to handle a little bit more on the domestic side which will relieve you. Take advantage of the fact that you’ll be OK financially for a bit, and get him on the road to recovery ASAP – it’ll help you both.

    2. This was me during the first couple of years of practicing law. I am sorry. It’s really hard and the stupid mistakes make it so much harder. But it really does get better, especially when he finds a great therapist and a job that appreciates him. Sending you hugs.

    3. Not sure if you’re still reading, but I’m going to support him just leaving his job.

      If it’s that bad, he probably won’t be able to interview well enough to find something else, and the toxicity will follow him through other jobs.

      I was in a brutal work situation, ended up just putting in notice and leaving. I wish I had left earlier, because the resulting mental collapse took so much longer to recover from than it would have. The stress affected me profoundly at future jobs and still does, four years later.

  14. Accidentally posted this in the hunt. Thanks to those who responded!

    Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable. A friend recently invited me to her (local) bridal shower and (destination) b-party on consecutive weekends. My long distance BF is in town both weekends; he’s a 12+ hour flight away so obviously we don’t get to spend much time together. I can’t take off work the entire time he’s here, but I’m taking a couple of days so we can take one long weekend trip to a nearby city (~1 hour away). The long weekend is the weekend of the shower.

    Friend understands that I can’t attend the destination b-party but she’s upset that I’m not going to the shower. She insists it’ll be “quick” and BF can entertain himself for “a few minutes.” I don’t think I need to explain to you all why a shower located an hour away is not a “quick” event. I’m surprised by friend’s response – she told her close friends about these plans months ago, but only told me at the last minute. I don’t think we’re close enough for her to expect that I would ditch my BF for her. Anyway I’ve put my foot down and told her thank you for the invite but I will not be attending, and I hope she’ll let me buy her a drink at the happy hour I planned with friends and BF. She’s still upset. I feel like I’m not in the wrong here but friend and some of her friends are pressuring me pretty hard. Validate me?

    1. I’d probably try to do something with my BF to make the shower work – like road trip to this other town, visit something there (a pumpkin patch? a museum?) and leave him chilling in a coffee shop or something for an hour while I went to the shower, then drive back with him. But it’s ok for you to decide you are choosing your BF over this friend. But I think you’ve clearly let this friend know where she stands with you – she may have thought she was higher on your list and you were higher on hers.

      1. I do have a car, but the city we’re visiting isn’t car-friendly. It would cost me upwards of $50/day to park my car there (so, $200+ total). I was planning to take the train (~$10pp each way), but I couldn’t do that for the shower because the train doesn’t run on the day of the shower. So, aside from the fact that I’d have to leave BF for 3 hours in the middle of our getaway, there’s also a cost factor.

    2. If you are close enough to be invited on her bachelorette weekend, it seems like you are pretty close. If it were me (and my husband and I lived in different countries when we were dating so I have some long distance experience), I would absolutely leave my BF for three hours for her shower.

      2. This. My husband and I were also long distance for several years and I would have gone to a shower for a close friend while he was visiting. Surely you and your BF don’t share 100% of your interests and there is something he can do in the city for an afternoon that you don’t have much interest in (brewery? sports event?). An invitation is not a summons and you can do whatever you want, but I understand why your friend is hurt.

    3. You are being completely reasonable. You have had plans with BF that pre-date invitations to the shower and bach party. You’re supposed to leave your getaway weekend with BF who you rarely see for three hours to attend her shower (1 hour drive each way + minimum 1 hour at shower)? Where there will be presumably many other people there competing for her attention? Nope. “Friend – I wish I could, but I just can’t. How about I take you for lunch/drinks/coffee afterward and you can tell me all about it? We’ll get to spend more time together that way anyways!”

    4. It sounds like you got a last-minute invite (less than a month away?) for events that had been planned for many months and for which some guests had been invited for many months, right?

      You got the invitation after you already made plans. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to refuse to bail on the person with whom you made plans, and who is flying 12+ hours to see you, to go to an event for which you got a last-minute invite. Taking your friend out another time sounds perfectly reasonable.

      1. Yeah this is exactly what happened – both invites were super last minute. She basically told me that she was inviting me to her b-party because a lot of her close friends couldn’t afford it but she knew I could.

    5. Consider yourself validated.

      “Unfortunately I have plans the weekend of the shower.” You have PLANS. TRAVEL PLANS.
      You made them in advance of being invited to these events. You do not need to justify being unable to attend an event where it conflicts with plans you previously made (or frankly for any reason). I actually don’t think it is very nice manners to try to strong-arm a potential guest into attending an event when they have declined the invitation. I understand your friend might legitimately feel disappointed but seriously, life goes on.

      Send a nice gift with a thoughtful note if you think it will make you feel better.

      **insert quote from Senior Attorney about invitation =/= summons**

      Enjoy your weekends!

      PS I must really be getting old because I am here to tell you that I absolutely do not understand the wedding situation these days. Destination bachelorettes, keeping score of who is attending what or why not, etc. These brides need to get off my lawn.

      PS

    6. I will validate you! You’re being totally reasonable. It’s a bummer you have to miss those things and she’s also valid being disappointed by that. But she needs to get over it.

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