Suit of the Week: Ann Taylor

124 Comments

1. I’m really hurting today. I feel completely broken apart.

   I spent most of my 30s with the person I felt was the love of my life. He was vivacious, interesting, charismatic, intelligent and fun. I never tired of hearing what he had to say, and loved spending time with him. Our chemistry was off the charts. We spent a lot of time talking about marriage and children (which we both wanted), but I always had some hesitation due to the not so great parts of our relationship (more on that below). After we split up we had lots of backsliding and found it very hard to stay away from each other. He was still the person I would turn to for advice, and the person I trusted the most in the whole world. Being with him felt like home. It was my longest and best relationship, and the only person I have ever considered marrying. I always thought he would be the father of my children. I miss him so much it makes my heart ache.

   He was also jealous and controlling. He would make up stories in his head about how I was cheating (I never was) with co-workers, friends, neighbors, etc., and accuse me. I was so puzzled because it would never occur to me to cheat. He was volatile (never physically) and I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to figure out how to not set off one of his moods. He didn’t want me to see my friends. He was rude to my family and friends. They didn’t like him. He always had to be in the center of attention and would sulk if he wasn’t. All these things, and lots of prodding from friends and family, led me to break up with him, which I’ve regretted so many times even though I know logically it was the right thing.

   This week he emailed me saying he’s expecting a child in the next few weeks with his fiancé/wife (not sure if they’re married yet, they got engaged last year). It hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s finally, conclusively over. Some part of me always thought we would get back together and have a child. I just want to sit down on the floor and cry, but I had to pull myself together, get breakfast on the table and get dressed for work.

   I went no-contact with my ex a few years ago but he still emails me with personal news (getting engaged, and now this). I think he thinks we’re friends, but for me it just hurts so much. We’re also somewhat connected professionally (in lots of industry groups together), although I’m slowly dropping out of any group he’s in.

   I’m completely miserable in my current relationship. We have a toddler together, so I feel stuck. My child is my everything and she is all that matters, but I can’t help looking at my current relationship and wondering what it would have been like with my ex. I feel entirely alone even though I’m with someone. I’m the primary breadwinner so I can’t just kick him out. He’s kind and gentle and a fantastic father, and I think I gave this a try because he’s the complete opposite of my ex, but it’s so clear to me now how wrong we are for each other. I think I would be happier alone with just my baby girl, but I just don’t know how to make that happen.

   Intellectually I KNOW life would not have been easy with my ex. He has mellowed a lot with age, but I don’t think his jealousy would even completely disappear. But I can’t help thinking I would not have been this miserable. And my heart just aches for him.

   Any advice? Will this ever stop hurting so much?

   1. You need to go no contact. Block him, he doesn’t need to know.

      1. +1,000,000 also longer comment in mod so check back

      2. Route his emails to the trash with a rule so you never hear from him again. I did this with an emotionally abusive ex and it’s so important. Don’t let him take up that space in your life.

         Now get a therapist.

      3. Yes do this. I also had an emotionally abusive ex (who still reached out every few years – it has been over 10 years since we broke up). I rarely read and never respond.

   2. Oh, I’m so sorry! Big hugs!

      You definitely did the right thing breaking up with the ex. But I beg to differ — if you’re still reading his emails you haven’t really gone no contact. Now complete the job and block him on all social media, phone, and email. It seems like you never really did the hard work of emotionally disentangling and it’s past time.

      Next, run don’t walk to a therapist and a lawyer and figure out how to extricate yourself from your current situation. You may well be on the hook for child support, but that may be a small price to pay. Also you really need to take a hard look at why a relationship with a controlling, jealous emotional abuser was the best relationship of your life! Ouch!

      Big hugs! I’m also a veteran of the relationship wars and I’m here to tell you there are much better things on the other side!!

      1. Thank you, SA. I have read your description of your ex here before, and it has reminded me of my ex. And I logically know that even if someone can improve their behavior, their personality doesn’t really change. My stupid brain just wants to remember the good parts of our relationship though.

         I do want to change my current situation, but it feels selfish since he’s a good dad and it seems like it’s best for our girl to have him around. He moved to this current VHCOL city for me and I feel a lot of guilt. He’s kind and helpful and we don’t argue. I’m just completely over the relationship. I am much more happy and feel like I can breathe when he’s not around. He just got a new job with a decent salary (still not great for our VHCOL area), and we’re not married and I own the condo, so that’s a good start.

         1. Does this mean you need to break up or just that you need more space? DH and I each have a weeknight and a weekend morning where we are ‘off’ from parenting duties and go out with friends or take time by ourselves. I’m an introvert who needs my alone time but I’ve built that into my relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to be together whenever you are not working.

            As someone whose DH moved to a city to be with me, things really improved once he had a job and developed his own social circle via hobbies because he wasn’t looking to me as his sole source of social interaction.

         2. Break up with him. Your comment about a good start suggests that not being married and owning your condo means less financial entanglement so you can more easily end things. You want to break up so you should. For his sake. He should be with someone who loves him.

         3. One more point – “feeling like you can breathe and are happier without him” is something a lot of new moms feel about their partners. There’s no sleep and everyone is in the weeds and everything revolves around the kid. Definitely give yourself some time in therapy to get over your ex before you try to break it off with the father. (Plus if he has part custody but can’t afford a nice place in a nice area how will you feel if your daughter has to spend time there? If he moves far away but gets holidays with her? None of this may go the way you think it will.)

      2. Yeah, if the ex “thinks you’re friends” and is emailing you his engagement and baby news, he’s still in the picture and it sounds like he may still be manipulative. Agree on getting therapy and moving toward ending the current relationship, but stay clear on the fact that your ex was abusive. Neither he nor your current partner is apparently the person for you. Hugs.

         1. This. He’s a narcissist who is trying to win the break up even years later. Sounds like he was jealous that OP had a kid with someone else and wants to make sure she knows he has moved on.

   3. Oh anon. Many, many, many hugs to you.

      Block your ex’s email address. He doesn’t need to bother you like this, but you don’t need to have a big conversation with him about it, or really any at all.

      My usual advice would be to talk to your current guy and tell him how unhappy you are. You may have done that already though. Please don’t feel any guilt about kicking him out for financial reasons. He is an adult and can figure it out if you do.

      1. Thanks. I thought about blocking him but it feels aggressive. He’s just sharing happy news! I should be happy for him! But I would much rather not hear from him ever again. I should block him, if nothing else because inevitably there will be a birth announcement with a pic from him and that will just rip me apart.

         1. I’m usually all “assume good intentions” but your ex has proven that his intentions are manipulative and abusive. Have no qualms about blocking that nonsense from your life. You have zero obligation to feel happy for him.

         2. You need to block him. You are assuming good intentions on his part despite evidence to the contrary. It’s not just sharing happy news – it’s gloating and you are giving him the exact reaction he was hoping for. Don’t contact him, just add him to your blocked senders list, he has no way of knowing you do this so it’s not ‘aggressive’.

         3. He is not just sharing happy news. He’s doing this intentionally and it’s manipulative and cruel! By your own description of him he does not sound like a good person. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt.

         4. Protecting your mental health isn’t aggressive. He isn’t entitled to your attention. You’re not required to feel any way about his news. Block him and you will thank yourself. He will not care, and if he does, too dang bad for him.

            I’ve had two exes in my life that I had a hard, hard time getting over, and that was driven primarily because of the “what could have been” type feelings. Once I truly went no contact, I started to move on. And, once they both found other serious partnerships, I felt began to more free (after the initial sting) from my feelings. Intellectually, I wasn’t holding onto hope or believing we should still be together, but my emotions were still wrapped up to an extent in those men and the fantasy of what was/could have been, which meant I wasn’t emotionally available for someone else.

            After like a year of “being over” my ex but not really, I saw him at the park with his new GF, hid behind a tree (????) and skulked back to my condo, sulked for a few days, but then that was the beginning of truly moving on. Door shut. 4 months later I met the guy I’ve been dating for 3 years.

            1. I agree this isn’t aggressive and I’d take it a step further to say generally, YES, it’s okay to BE AGGRESSIVE when it comes to your health and peace.

         5. I think actually it should be “presume good intentions,” where the presumption can be rebutted. And certainly your ex rebutted that presumption years ago. B[lock]TMFA.

         6. “I should be happy for him! But I would much rather not hear from him ever again.”

            There are people in this world I cannot ever be friends with, and have that work out for me in any kind of positive way. My now-deceased ex-fiance was one of those people. He attempted to contact me on Facebook once, years ago, before he died, and I blocked him. I did not need him dragging up years of bad memories I had worked really hard to move past. Girl, just block your ex. Block him. You know that Instagram meme about “don’t look back, you’re not heading that direction”? That.

      2. Wow, this just sounds so cavalier. It sounds like her husband is a really good person and a really good dad… if the tables were flipped and the wife was the lower earner and the couple had a child, would you be so cavalier about suggesting her husband “kick her out” because he is pining for a long-gone ex?

         OP: you have a kid, whom you need to put first. Her dad is a good person and a good dad. Can you lean way into improving your marriage? No contact with ex.

         1. “Kicking out” is the OP’s phrasing, not mine, and although I acknowledge that I didn’t consider all the financial aspects of divorce in what I said (like alimony, as Anon pointed out below), what I meant is that she should certainly not stay in her marriage out of a sense that her husband needs her financially for his lifestyle, or some such. They both deserve the freedom of not being in an unhappy relationship.

            1. Sorry, just read elsewhere that marriage doesn’t apply here – substitute relationship!

         2. +1 for this perspective. But also, just because he’s the lower earner doesn’t mean she’s trapped. But as with all divorce where a child is involved, custody and child support issues will come into play and she is the high earner.

      3. I mean, it’s not kicking him out that’s the issue itself. He won’t be homeless, but she may owe alimony and she will certainly have to share custody, which she might not want to do.

         1. Not a divorce lawyer, but is any of that the case if they didn’t marry? OP said she didn’t marry the baby’s father, doesn’t that change custody and alimony?

            1. Not a lawyer here, but assuming he’s her father and he sounds like a good father, I think he would be entitled to shared custody.

            2. It definitely doesn’t change custody, unless he’s not on the birth certificate and the OP wanted to try to argue he wasn’t the child’s legal father. But he would be able to put an end to that via a legitimation proceeding. If he is awarded custody, then the OP might also be required to pay child support, or he might, depending on how often each of them have the child and what expenses they’re responsible for paying.

               In some states, alimony-type support can be ordered after an unmarried couple break up, but it’s much harder to get (and even alimony is much rarer than it once was).

            3. Why would it change custody? He’s the dad and deserves (and is entitled to) time with the kid whether they are married or not.

   4. I’m so sorry. I have no advice, but please know my heart goes out to you.

   5. Definitely go no-contact with the ex. This is obviously not good for you, or for your emotions. And gently, it sounds like you have some rose-colored glasses about how amazing he was. What you’re describing is abusive behavior. I don’t doubt that you still love him, but I 100% think you did the right thing in breaking up. So break off the contact, for real.

      Being in a lackluster current relationship is not helping matters. Yes, you have a kid together, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a romantic relationship. You tried. You don’t have to continue this.

   6. It sounds like his best was great but his worst was horrific. Just because your mind knew you needed out doesn’t mean your heart let go, especially as you clearly just back-burnered him rather than grieved, which you are beginning to do now. Today’s guy sounds like not today’s issue, so I’d recommend waiting to voice concerns or make a big life change while you grieve. Counseling for yourself sounds critical both for the grief and to sort through the feelings about today’s guy. If you think today’s relationship can improve, counseling with him may be wise too. In the meantime, I think all you can do is grieve the fantasy life you imagined and also spend time with your very real child. It sounds like this real child has a great father and your fantasy child would have had a really hard time in a home with suspicions of affairs and volatility. That said, your feelings are real and very loud right now. I’ve found that Iyanla’s “In The Meantime” helped, as did bell hooks’ “All About Love.”

      Sending you love and encouraging extra self-care!

      1. Plus 1000

   7. oh my gosh, you did the right thing in breaking it off. but you need to go TRULY no contact and block him. Hugs.

   8. Have you heard much about NPD? Sounds very much like a fit – vivacious and charming is part of it.

      I’m sorry you’re so miserable with your current partner. Agree with the others – block the ex, see a therapist, and give yourself some off ramps with your baby daddy.

      1. Yes, I once heard someone on a podcast describe being in a relationship with someone with NPD – Jealous subtype, and it described him to a tee. Especially the made up stories he ends up believing.

         I have a therapy appointment booked for Friday. Just trying to put one foot in front of the other until then.

   9. I am so sorry. It’s hard when something from the past suddenly gut punches. When you have a moment of stillness, take a deep breath and review this post and look at all of the “absolute-isms:” You’re describing “love of my life” “most in this world,””best relationship,” “I always thought,” etc. That always jumps out at me as histrionic thinking, especially when you go on to describe your current situation similarly (although the other end–completely miserable, etc.). Real-life long-term relationships have that love, but they also have the mundane and momentary room for gray. You don’t ALWAYS think you love someone most in the world. They are going to anger or disappoint you and for a moment (hopefully very briefly) you’ll be annoyed (and then you’ll hopefully go back to love). I only point this out because it’s a sign you’re not looking at things with a practical lens. It’s also not an “either/or” the way you have set it up. Ex still may have (and likely statistically would have) been with someone else regardless of what you did. And your anger and disappointment with your spouse now is an independent concept. It shouldn’t have anything to do with the ex. Go back at the absolutisms and start challenging. What is this is only partly true? Is it kicking out current spouse or (challenge what this step would look like partly)–dealing with the issues?

      If you can get out of the whole “all or none” way of thinking, you can usually get a lot more clarity around a situation and strategies to make things better.

   10. My best to you. You have a few interrelated but separate issues: your ex, your feelings about your ex, and your current relationship.

       Go no-contact with your ex. Just tell him straight-up that it’s best if you aren’t in each other’s lives, block his number, route his emails to spam. I wonder if he knows on some level how attached you still are and enjoys stringing you along.

       Get therapy for why you are still holding out hope for your ex. You have a toddler with someone else, so presumably, you all broke up several years ago, with enough time for you to meet and have a baby with someone else. Are you married to your baby’s father?

       Your current relationship. Therapy is needed as well. You can’t just ride off into the sunset with your daughter; her father is an important part of her life. Understand that you have a big mess to clean up and learn to clean it up. After that, figure out why you *had a freakin baby* with someone while still pining for an emotionally unavailable ex. Figure out what your current boyfriend wants.

       I’m not judging you at all. Good people get themselves all tangled up in bad situations all the time. Very often, it’s the result of actively dysfunctional guidance – “follow your dreams!” “if it’s meant to be, you’ll be together!”

       1. +1 Therapy, therapy, therapy.

       2. +1, absolutely everything this. Big hugs to NYC Anon, there is a lot you need to figure out

       3. This except do not message your ex to say you are going no contact – just block him.

          If he asks you in person at an industry event just shrug and say it must have gone to spam box and change the subject. Do not engage.

          1. +1,000,000 do not contact him. Just block and delete.

       4. No, don’t contact ex to tell him you’re blocking him. Just do it.

   11. 1- block him on everything

       2- get so much therapy. Your relationship with him was abusive. If you were together now he’s be abusing you just like he did then.

       3- break up your with boyfriend or get a divorce. Life is too short. He can still get custody and if you married him expect to pay.

   12. Go back and read your second paragraph. Read it again. You are creating a fantasy is your mind that would never have been your reality.

       I agree with blocking your ex and finding a therapist. After a few months of seeing a therapist, work through whether you want to work on your current relationship or end it.

       Big hugs — do the work.

   13. He doesn’t think you’re friends. He’s hurting you — trying to continue hurting and controlling you, as he did when you were together.

       1. 100% this!

       2. Yup 100%. And you’re fortunate his behaviour didn’t escalate to physical abuse.

   14. You need to go to therapy. And you need to block him. Just add him to your blocked sender list in your email.

       You are mourning the loss of a man who did not exist. He was jealous and controlling for years and you have no reason to believe that has changed and it is EXTREMELY unlikely to ever change. The man you are mourning did not exist when you were in the relationship and does not exist now.

       Focus on your current relationship and on being healthy for your daughter so you can help her avoid the kind of toxic relationship you had with your ex.

   15. why are you having any contact with a person who hurt you like your ex did? Block him and focus on your relationship. You miss a fantasy that did not exist. He was toxic and controlling. If a friend dating someone like that you would not tell them to stay in touch. The person you are trying to stay in touch with does not exist – he was a fantasy. Instead you are choosing to stay in touch with your toxic ex instead of working on your current relationship.

   16. Is it possible that you are mistaking the drama of your last relationship with passion and are now bored by a stable, relatively healthy relationship? Regardless, I agree with all who suggested therapy and I especially with those who recommended putting serious effort into your current relationship (maybe couples’ counseling in addition to individual therapy) before throwing in the towel. As for your ex, I feel sorry for his new wife and baby. You are incredibly lucky to have gotten away.

       1. One more thought…you may want to explore depression and consider whether any of your misery is related to something along those lines. The amount of anguish you are experiencing over a very old relationship and your inability to enjoy your current relationship both seem like they could be symptoms of depression. Just speculation, of course.

   17. Thank you, everyone. Your comments are super helpful. I just blocked him! It felt good. I realize I was assuming good intentions and felt sh1tty about myself because I just couldn’t bring myself to respond “congratulations!”, but now I feel less sh1tty about it. I never contact him, and I don’t know why he feels the need to send me his personal news. He did the same when he got engaged (that was gut punch 1, this was gut punch 2). He even tried to call me to tell me his “personal news” back then. Why?? I don’t want to hear it from him.

       Already doing therapy although it’s been sporadic. I’m going to get better at making the therapy sessions regular.

       1. Way to go!! Leave the garbage in the rearview. You got this. Keep us posted.

       2. Why? Because he’s a POS and he was *trying* to hurt you.

       3. Good for you!

       4. First time commenter. So much empathy. I just had to share an episode I listened to today that I think would really benefit you. It’s Christine Hassler’s podcast Over it and On with it, the recent episode about whether they were really the love of your life or if it was an issue based relationship. So much of that echoes what you’ve shared about the nature of your ex and may be healing and comforting for you. <3

   18. It will stop hurting but it will stop a lot faster with therapy. I wish I had started therapy a decade earlier than I did.

   19. Please go to therapy ASAP. (And I would spend at least 6 months in therapy before making any decisions about your current relationship.)

       You seem halfway there in understanding that your ex is manipulative and very well may have a personality disorder (not diagnosing anyone here, but there are certainly red flags). People like this LOVE to be loved, to be put above all others. It’s a power thing. They are often well known and well liked, which makes it even harder for someone in a relationship with them to see the manipulation while its happening. He WANTED to be the person you trusted most in the world (“we just get each other like no one else, no one in the world can understand our bond, its us against the world” – this kind of language separates you from the rest of your support system and makes you believe that the manipulator has your back, unlike anyone else). He did that on purpose. And has he mellowed with age, or are you just now on the outside of the focus of his manipulations while he does the same thing to his new partner?

       And the thing is, when these relationships are good they are really good. But you’ve experienced that the ups come with major downs, downs you could not live with. You need to create a new baseline for what a healthy, fulfilling relationship is (and that is HARD with a toddler, even when you’re starting with a strong foundation). I’m not saying you need to stay with your current partner forever, but I do think you owe it to yourself, to your partner, and to your child to come to terms with the damage your ex has done to you and your perception of what a functional partnership looks like. You need a therapist to talk this through with, to recalibrate your brain after your past relationship. I wish you the best of luck and happiness, and I would much rather be in your position to move forward with your life than your ex’s new partner.

   20. No contact – BLOCK the abusive ex. Yes, he was and is abusive. Block, do not engage. You have zero obligations or useful contacts points with abusive ex. Block abusive ex.

       Seriously. Block abusive ex. He’s fucking with you, not sharing “happy news” that you need to react to in any way. He’s manipulating you, because he’s abusive.

       Block abusive ex.

       And then you can think about how you want your life to be.

   21. You’re making up a fantasy version of your ex where he’s all the good things and none of the bad. Believe me, or any of us who have been there – he’s still all of those things.

       Instead of appreciating the relationship you have now, you’re in love with a fantasy. No one can compete with a fantasy. You need therapy ASAP to stop living in the land of make-believe. You cannot accurately evaluate the relationship you’re in now until you start living in the real world and not seeing your ex through the lens you want to see him through.

       I agree with others to stop all contact today. That not only means blocking texts, emails, and calls, but it also means not doing those late at night google searches and all of that stuff that most of us do from time to time. Make a clean break. Work through this with a therapist. Do not expect your current partner to be able to objectively help you with this. This is hard work you need to do yourself.

       Take everyone seriously here. Make an appointment tomorrow.

   22. Your ex was a controlling person, you might have been a dv victim. Do you realise it?

2. I’m looking for recommendations for a real estate attorney for a transaction in the Cape Coral/Ft Myers, FL area. It would be a sale of a lot within a family. Any leads would be appreciated! Thanks!

   1. I can recommend Shaun Dalton at GCIP in Naples, though that may be too far for your purposes.

      1. Thanks!

3. Looking for ideas on things I can try to prevent backs of shoes from rubbing at the tops of my heels (sort of bottom of my ankles area). Literally every shoe I try that isn’t a tennis shoe has this issue where the lipof the heel cup rubs my skin raw. Sometimes even having no-show socks on doesn’t help. It’ll rub through the sock. This happens with leather loafers, with Nisolo huraches, with Birdies sneakers, like everything with a heel cup!

   I’ve tried moleskin stuck to the inside of the shoe, which has kind of helped a bit but doesn’t solve the issues. Sometimes it gets better once the shoe is broken in, but often times it doesn’t. Help!

   1. It’s possible the distance between the bottom of your foot and your ankle bone is shorter than average. Try heel cups to raise your ankle out of the shoe?

   2. You may have a Haglund’s deformity.

      I was diagnosed with it, but the surgical treatment is so brutal that I decided not to go through with it. Unfortunately, there is no magic trick that makes it possible for me to wear leather loafers, etc. I stick to shoes that are a knit or soft material or are cut to hit either higher or lower, avoiding the area where the Achilles tendon attaches to the bone. I have a lot of suede flats and 2″ – 3″ heels for the office because higher heels don’t rub as much. I may not be the most fashionable, but I no longer have to carry around flip flops and bandaids in my purse like I did as a junior associate!

   3. I use Body Glide on my heels.

      1. Oh interesting! Does it make your heel slip around or just chafe less?

   4. I have heel spurs too and the only thing that helps is picking the right shoes. If something rubs wrong, it’ll never get better and you just have to move on to the next shoe.

   5. The moleskin goes on your foot rather than the shoe. You can get cushier heel pads to help on the shoes. There are ones that go on the back of the heels but also ones that go under your heel – maybe that would provide enough elevation to prevent rubbing?

4. I’m a product manager and manage a team of design and engineering contractors who are working on an internal product at a F50 company. One of the engineers is a very smart guy in his 60s who is also a complete jerk. I can handle it fine because I bite back when he starts getting aggressive and that usually shuts him up, but any meeting he is in becomes combative and tense due to his attitude and disrespectful way of speaking to people.

   Historically, he has been very involved with the UX design of the product despite being a data engineer and to his credit, he does give very good feedback and ideas. We have a group user interview session coming up where my team will be interfacing with director-level end users, some of whom are the executive sponsors on the project. When I was initially planning the sessions, this guy was on his best behavior so when he asked to sit in on the sessions, I said yes. Now the sessions are next week, and he has been absolutely awful the past two weeks–rude, combative, treating the designers terribly in meetings, and running to me to whine every time he doesn’t get his way. I don’t want him to attend the in person feedback sessions anymore, but struggling with how to communicate this without it seeming petty. I’d like to have him there if I knew he would behave appropriately but I am very concerned about him acting like a jerk and making us look bad in front of our sponsors.

   Any tips on how to say “you can only come if you promise to act right?” in business-speak?

   1. If he goes and behaves like a jerk, on whom will it reflect poorly? Will it make HIM look like a jerk or will it look like you don’t control of your team? I suspect it’ll make him look bad to higher-ups. I might couch it like, “John, you probably aren’t aware that how you speak to people can come off as rude and dismissive. This meeting is a big opportunity, and you’re a great [job title] and I wouldn’t want the tone of any of your remarks to overshadow your expertise. This goes for all the time, too, not just when we’re in front of [big wigs].”

      1. It definitely would reflect poorly on me, unfortunately, which is why I’m nervous about it. That script is great, I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you!

      2. This is still pussy-footing, women-trained-not-to-rock the boat. Of course he knows he’s a jerk! He gets away with it! He enjoys it! Just tell him “one jerk remark and you’re out.”

   2. Tell him his behaviour has been disruptive and have a few examples to provide. Uninvite him to the meeting. End of story.

      He is a contractor reporting to you. Manage him or fire him. Your team is watching you.

      1. THIS.

      2. +1. He might be talented but he’s going to destroy your team if his behavior continues.

         To paraphrase something I read online: there’s no abusive “genius” who can’t be replaced by someone who is not an assh0le.

         1. That is a great framing.

   3. When he comes to you and whines, have you told him his attitude is bad?

      There’s a guy like this I work with and I would be delighted if he actually faced consequences for being a bl-whard.

   4. Just say it in real words. He’s a big boy, he can handle it.

      1. This. “JohnBob, you are rude and disruptive in meetings so I can’t risk putting you before customers.”

   5. Change the meeting time & stop inviting this guy. Meet with him 1:1 only.

      (this is how my passive aggressive institution does things?)

   6. Sit him down and explain the politics of the situation. Who is attending, who not to offend, what not to say, etc. I am in tech and sometimes people need it spelled out. Like it doesn’t occur to them to be personable by default. I don’t think you need to sugar coat it but play it like he’s a lovable kind of surly instead of someone you wish would get hit by a bus.

5. Every shoe I’ve tried in the past 2 years slips at the heel. It’s really frustrating! Are my feet just too triangular now?

   1. Hi! Triangular foot person here. Rothys and their knockoffs did not do this to me. And I’m now a strappy-sandal-clog person (like Dansko’s Sam) b/c straps help! Most of my work shoes (heels in the day) are from 2019 and prior; Brooks Brothers block-heel pumps are great for my feet (YMMV in current models); also Talbots and Sam Edelman. Bare feet are sticky (but you may get blister) vs in the winter wearing tights were everything may get loose again. Heel grippies are your friends (as are boots when the weather is right).

   2. I have triangular feet and like Cole Haan, Jack Rogers and Kate Spade.

6. Any favorite sources for estate jewelry? For example, through Instagram I randomly stumbled upon a great family jewelry store in Alabama that specializes in vintage pieces (Levy’s), and I never would have found them but for whatever hashtag rabbit hole I fell down months ago. I’m specifically looking for a platinum and sapphire right hand ring at the moment, but shiny things are always appreciated :)

   1. We love Croghans in Charleston, and they have a great website. Family owned. DH just gave me a gorgeous estate ring for our anniversary. Their inventory updates frequently and they’re fun to follow on Instagram.

   2. I like to drool over the rings on Eragem. And I think someone’s asked for similar resources before, so maybe search and see what others have found!

      1. Like how freaking gorgeous is this???
         https://eragem.com/ar60212.html

   3. I’m in Canada, but I am always watching Daisy Exclusive, which has good turn over of estate jewelry I’d actually buy. https://daisyexclusive.com/collections/rings?page=1

   4. I’ve bought things at ONeill’s in Cape May NJ while on vacation there and the owners are very nice. Their website is bare bones but I’m sure they would answer any questions if you call.

7. Had dinner with my cousin and his wife without their kids and my cousin started talked about their youngest kids with autism. They’re 10 year old twin boys. They also have two older daughters in college and grad school. So the dad who is my cousin starts talking about how hard it is because they can never go anywhere, they miss out on milestones with their older kids because they can’t bring their younger kids who are not good in public situations and also very routine bound. Mom didn’t say much. She’s a very religious person and just says oh this is the lord’s will. Dad seems legit frustrated. Kids are in speech therapy and other therapies as well, they are verbal and very sweet boys. They do talk to their parents, teachers, therapists, and grandparents they see daily, but it’s more of answering questions when asked. Like they don’t just chat, nor have I seen them even talk much to each other, and they certainly wouldn’t make conversation with extended family they don’t see. But very routine bound like they’ll only eat this meal with this beverage or they have to shower at x time on the dot and then won’t get dressed after the shower until y time even if that means they’re walking around the house undressed even in front of others. Things like routine haircuts are a huge battle. They can’t be “talked out” of their routines or convinced to do things the way other kids can. Dad just seemed sad that his oldest moved off to grad school and he was unable to go as it was mom’s turn to go and he stayed home, but he was like why can’t my kids handle the chaos of college move in like all other kids their age. Like most kids would think it was fun to run around a college campus with their big sister, see all the events happening that day. Many kids would be like dad I’m going to go to school here, I can’t wait.

   I didn’t say much as I don’t have kids, I just listened. Surely dad will go visit his daughter on campus soon and be able to check things out then. But do autistic kids usually “grow out” of their routines? I.E. does it get easier? Or do they develop new routines in their place? Is there any way to still bring them to events even if they fuss – or are you asking for a meltdown where no one enjoys the event then. Do autistic kids enjoy going to new things and seeing new places or not really or it varies widely for each child?

   1. Autism is like being left-handed. It’s just how you are. His kids may be more affected by it than my kid. She is able to do so many things, but autism isn’t a blankie that you grow out of. If you’re a leftie you can be taught to throw with your right hand and write with your right hand. You may be be told that using your left hand makes you less-than and that you need to bend to the dictates of a right-handed world. My ASD-1 girl can go many places and so many things and be pretty independent. But she still has autism. My friends with kids who are ASD-2 and ASD-3 live in very different worlds than I do. They often can do very little, have to go to churches with “sensory overload” rooms staffed with buddies, etc. I know it would be easier for some people to accept the permanence if the child were blind vs ASD, because we see vision loss as a state of being and there is a wish to make ASD something we can train a person out of. You can’t. You can enhance their social skills, to a point, but it’s like me trying to write with my left hand: exhausting and I still don’t do it well. You can imagine how it must be for a kid where their life outside of their house demands that every day and is rather thankless about it.

      1. This, this, this.

         1. +1

   2. If you’ve met one autistic kid, you’ve met one autistic kid. Darryl Hannah has autism. Not every autistic person is like her though. I can think through how to make things workable for my kid, but he is moderately affected (with what used to be called “high-functioning autism” or “Asperger’s syndrome) and I use the same tricks honestly for my other kid, kid activities (like Cub scouts), and new things with a spouse who runs anxious about everything new. YMMV.

   3. Some kids can’t do things like haircuts, dentists, and a whole lot else that is “normal”. Other autistic kids can do all that and maybe just stim a bit and avoid eye contact. It’s a spectrum. Some kids are never verbal and will never live independently and others will go to college, have jobs, live independently, and even get married and become parents. It really varies.

   4. Kids don’t come as we want them to be, they come as they are. Neurodiversity isn’t something someone grows out of. However, they should be working with providers to acclimate them to the world without teaching them that who they are is wrong. It sounds like Dad is mourning the dream kids he envisioned during pregnancy rather than finding ways to connect with and celebrate the kids he actually has. While it’s lovely that you were there to listen, it sounds like his wife might be sick of hearing this and even burdened by his emotions on top of the rest of her own life. He needs to head to therapy to sort out his emotions. He also ought to join some parental support groups to talk about this with those who live it too who have bandwidth to listen and talk so he isn’t leaning on his wife for that role. Most of all, he needs to do the learning work to understand the brains of his kids so he can stop resenting them for keeping him from being present for enjoyable life moments and instead better support their needs. As long as he sees them as hindering his life fun and as long as he just hopes they’ll outgrow their autism, he’s going to suffer and he’s going to make life harder for everyone. (Side note, avoid autism speaks, read up for the reasons why!)

      1. They may need some respite care. I have a kid on the spectrum and it can be exhausting. I love my kid, but having a kid who isn’t vanilla, in any way, can be a long and lonely road. It’s good to have some breaks to just be yourself and not a parent (much less a special needs parent).

   5. Woof this is a whole lot of ableism. Autistic kids become autistic adults, usually they learn to hide it better for the comfort of the neurotypical but it doesn’t go away. Hiding also known as masking, although praised by society is actually really psychologically harmful.

      1. I think it’s like you just have to play the game, regardless of where you are on the spectrum (or even if you have some other hidden disabilities) if you want to go to school and have a job and keep relationships with the broader world. Those are worthy goals and IMO many people understand the tradeoffs as being worth the discomfort. And that you need some downtime to recoup your energy. It’s better to have options; some people sadly have few to none (kids forced to go to mainstream school in pullups where they are laughed at b/c they are 11 but there is no school that is more for kids like him).

   6. I’ll venture that your cousin is having a lot of feelings about the stage of parenting that he is in and the children he is parenting. Milestones from older children’s childhoods are now coming down the pike for his twins and looking very different. Furthermore, I think a lot of special needs parents feel pressure not to admit it when they are frustrated by their children’s special needs, even though that’s an extremely human reaction. Like the famous “Welcome to Holland” essay – your cousin may have thought that by the time his twins were ten, they would have reached Italy, and yet his kids are who they are and they are still in Holland, and he is coming to terms with that in a new way, especially as the older kids are leaving the nest.

      It sounds like you were a listening ear for some things he can’t tell just anybody, and that’s a great thing.

      1. +1. Please try not to judge this dad. He is IN IT.

         I have a kid who is neurodiverse and while I accept it (and him) it is a very different parenting journey than I thought I’d have. Admit this out loud, and you’re a monster. I think there’s an unspoken to be a perfect special needs parent with no dreams of his/her own.

         1. +1. You were a safe space for your cousin – that’s a good thing.

      2. I hadn’t heard of the “Welcome to Holland” essay until now, but I found it very thought-provoking. Thanks for sharing that.

   7. There’s a huge range. My kids have a cousin in her early 20s who can bear some interruption in their routine but it’s unlikely they will ever move out of the family home. A friend’s son with autism has to do pretty much the same thing pretty much every day (he’s about the same age as the cousin).

   8. It was probably a good thing for your cousin just to be able to vent!

   9. Sometimes it’s easier to vent to people who won’t judge and often that is people who don’t have kids because they won’t give you that horrified reaction of OMG you don’t love your kids. Just listen when he wants to speak.

      I imagine he and the mom feel stretched thin especially since it’s two kids, not just one, plus the older kids still need and want mom and dad too. So it is easy to say why are my 10 year olds the only ones that can’t handle college move in day, look there’s all kinds of families here with little siblings in tow who aren’t making a fuss. Except his 10 year olds may be affected by the delays, the noise, the chaos, the sheer number of people, eating unfamiliar food or staying in an unfamiliar room if they have to stay in a hotel and eat in restaurants for a day, not getting a shower at the precise right time if it turns out sister was assigned a move in window slot during the brother’s shower time – in a way that neuro typical 10 year old boys would not even care about. So then there’s working with the younger kids to meet them where they are, even if that means missing something with the older kids and I’m sure there’s parental guilt in that. They’re just in a tough spot and while maybe his wife uses religion to cope, maybe he just isn’t built that way and needs to find his own coping.

   10. Don’t underestimate parental guilt here with regard to the older two. Sure they are older than their brothers so they likely understand but they’re at an age where they still need mom and dad or simply want them there and mom and dad don’t necessarily have the bandwidth because of the younger kids. Kids deal with these things, but it’s not like the parents don’t feel bad.

       1. Guilt because – wouldn’t you want to drop your child off at college? He couldn’t because he had to stay home with twins. (A circus like college move in would be horrible for my ASD guy but he’s 8.)

          Also – the thing that weighs on me with guilt for my eldest is that not only is my time often occupied with stuff for my youngest (therapies, doctors are all a 30-min drive and he goes to multiple weekly)

          But when I die his older sibling will be forced to be a caregiver for his brother. “Homes” are awful for these kids and many autistic kids never launch or get jobs. It’s already affecting our thoughts on our retirement.

          1. I was the older kid and I felt like I raised myself. No one had any bandwidth left for me because my sister’s needs wore out my parents. And their wallets. Private school for high-need kids with a 6:1 ratio is shockingly expensive. It did let my sister finish school and get a job, which was a win for my parents but I just felt a bit abandoned even when I lived at home.

          2. “But when I die his older sibling will be forced to be a caregiver for his brother.”

             Sorry to say this, but don’t count on the idea that your older child will step into the role as you envision it. A colleague of mine has an older daughter who is out of college, and a high-school-aged son with multiple disabilities, including developmental delays. The daughter went to college 2,000 miles away from where we live and only rarely came home, and now is starting her life/career in another city far away from her family. She point-blank told her mom that if something were to happen to both parents, they need to have a plan for who will care for her younger brother and how that will work because she will not step in to be a caregiver or even a guardian. She told her mom to find another relative or a conservator who will take over his care and make decisions about putting him where he can have supportive living services. Folks can say anything they like about the “morality” of this choice or what “obligation” the daughter has, but she’s an adult and she does not have to choose to take on her brother’s care if she doesn’t want to. If she wants to, she could move to Australia and cut off contact with her family and never come back, and has basically said she will do that if they try to press her into service as a guardian/caregiver for her brother. You could end up in the same situation; plan accordingly.

8. Question about the new student loan forgiveness….my husband and I have a household income of under $250k, so we would qualify. Unfortunately I proactively paid off my loans in full 5 years ago and was so proud of that accomplishment (even though they were relatively small)! Anyway, my question: my husband is currently doing part-time grad school. He has been getting reimbursed by his employer, but there is a cap, and with his two remaining semesters we will have to pay about $1.5k out of pocket. He thinks that he can take out a loan for these last two semesters now, and have that loan be paid off with the new loan forgiveness. He’s looked into it and is fairly confident, but has not always been a “details” guy and I’m just a little paranoid of having this go wrong and then being on the hook for $8k vs $1.5k. Does anyone know if this is feasible?

   As an aside, it’s thinking like this that reinforces why I think this was a bad policy move. Sigh. But…since it’s been enacted, we’re going to take advantage of it if we can!

   1. If you are a kid who is in school and one year’s loan was co-signed by dad and one year’s loan co-signed by mom (parents are divorced), and both are 10K, how do they decide what to cancel? The non-cancelled loan is still on someone’s credit.

      1. Parents don’t co-sign for federal student loans. If you are referring to a PLUS loan, that is a loan where the parent is the borrower, not the co-signer. Legally, the parent is 100% responsible for repayment, and the student has no legal responsibility to repay, although obviously there are many situations where families make other arrangements informally. This is purely conjecture as I’m not sure whether there is guidance related to this published yet, but as the two parents are two individuals who have federal student loans, I would expect that each one would get $10K in forgiveness.

   2. This strikes me as a horrible idea. Just because they have yet to lay out qualifications doesn’t mean there won’t be. The public service loan forgiveness program, for example, requires at least 120 weeks of repayment in order to qualify. I can’t possibly imagine there won’t be guardrails against people doing exactly what you’re doing – trying to get a free $10,000 to pay for something that they would have paid for in cash otherwise. If there weren’t, literally every current college student who would be paying in cash for this upcoming semester would instead take out a $10,000, since it would be free cash.

      It’s almost a bit upsetting that your husband would a) try to get you to be okay with giving away an actual free $6500 in cash for a hair-brained idea and b) try to scam a system that’s designed to assist people burdened with student loans. It’s not an ideal policy, but that doesn’t mean people who have the capacity to pay for grad programs currently should opt out of doing so in order to swindle a public policy program.

      1. Also, he “looked into and is fairly confident” is a bananas assertion, since there literally haven’t been qualifications or explicit guidelines drafted yet. The White House brief is basically an ad, and there’s no way right now to actually dig into what the intricacies of the policy will be. So to say “I read a CNN article about the announcement” and label that ‘looking into it’ is silly. There are absolutely going to be additional aspects of the guidelines drafted and all it would take is “had the loan prior to August 22, 2022” to be typed out and you’re on the hook for $6,500 you could have otherwise gotten for free.

         1. Yeah, all of this. The rules literally do not exist yet.

            1. And even when the rules do exist and you follow them you can still get s c r e w e d over. See, e.g., PSLF.

               Bird in hand and all that.

   3. Loans obtained after June 30 2022 are not eligible for relief.

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