ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 132 Comments

Suit of the Week: Another Tomorrow

lilac pants suit

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Lilac suits for women: yea or nay? I could see them being as versatile as a light blue suit, in that you would wear it the way you would a light gray suit, but I also think it's definitely a “know your office” kind of thing.

Readers, what are your thoughts?

I do like that the suit is 100% wool, and the lining is 92% cupro, 8% elastane — just a bit of stretch! — as well as the fact that it's been “made with responsibly sourced wool, originating from farms protecting animal welfare and implementing progressive land management practices.”

The blazer is $1390, available in Italian sizes 36-48, and the pants are $690, available in Italian sizes 38-50.

Sales of note for 12.5

132 Comments

  1. I like the lilac suit, but I wouldn’t pay more than an AT sale price for one, because it’s definitely not a timeless workhorse kind of suit I can pull out for court once a week. That’s small claims court or existing client I know well suit during spring only, and only until colors on suits is out of style.

    2. It looks like something the wife of one of those mega-church television preachers would wear.

  2. Just got bad news in my personal life, but am buried under deadlines at the office and can’t afford to take a couple of personal days to recuperate. How do you deal with work when it’s the last thing on your mind but you just have to power through it? Any tips? I can’t bring myself to care about work right now but logically I know I have several pressing deadlines that I can’t afford to put off. Delegating is also somewhat out of the question as my department is already running on a skeleton staff due to summer vacations/illness related absences.

    1. If you’re not already implementing these:

      Ramp up the “treats” for the next few weeks. Meaning in and out of work–fancy coffees, delivery lunches, mani-pedi-spa treatments, a new Kindle book at full price, Uber home instead of train/bus, new lipstick, the shoes you’ve been eyeballing, etc.

      Consider bringing some items in to make the office more homey especially since it’s a skeleton crew so there’s less likely to be static. Stuff like pictures, decor, a scented candle (not to burn, just to lightly scent the room), a fresh stack of “shelter magazines” like Architectural Digest, or Elle Decor, (or whatever glossies you like), maybe some pretty and functional items like one of those coffee mug warmer chargers.

      Break the tasks down into their smallest increments and focus on getting those done one by one.

      Use Pomodoro method: 20 on, 10 minute break.

      Captain Awkward’s advice column “How to tighten up your game at work when suffering depression” might be very helpful here too.

      Take a moment to refocus on why work is meaningful and important to you: saving up, helping others, security, networking/connection, stepping stone to career goals, etc. When you feel a case of the f-it’s coming, grab a talisman (a postcard of Italy for that vacation you’ve been saving up for, a thank you letter from a client, etc) and refocus.

      Use your outsource resources at home so you can fully unplug and recharge. Food delivery/meal kits, dry cleaning fluff and fold, house cleaners, nannies/baby sitters/family members, auto-replenish from the ‘Zon, etc.

      Good luck!

    2. As weird as this sounds, I use work as an escape in these situations. The work is a gift because it can occupy my mind and I don’t have to think about the pain.

      1. +1

        Exactly

        And I add a treat. Rewards each day, to get me through. Usually it involves favorite foods, and bad TV, French fries were created for times like these. And the Real Housewives. Hopefully your palate is more elevated than mine. Who cares. It’s for you.

      2. I have used this approach, and it can be pretty effective. You still have to deal with the emotional fallout in your personal life at some point but at least you’re getting stuff done in the meantime. I will always advise taking time when you can, but as you noted, that isn’t always possible.

    3. Have you talked to your management about whether a few days to recuperate is possible? Unless you’re very senior it’s not your problem to solve understaffing and short deadlines.
      If you’re desperately trying to figure out how to power through, is it possible to give someone else some overtime to give you a break? Could deadlines be moved? Could someone in another dept be commandeered to take some load off?

    4. Have you disclosed the bad news to your manager/coworkers? I had a coworker in a bad news situation and as soon as we found out, we sorted through her open task items, delegated her work and sent her home. It didn’t matter that our plates were already full, I had zero problems taking on extra so she could step away for a few days.

  3. I think I’ve been throwing money down the drain for years and I feel so stupid. I’ve been contributing to a Fidelity rollover IRA after I receive my paycheck. This was ongoing since before I was hired at this job and I figured I’d keep doing that. But now I realize that means I’ll get taxed twice on that money? Is this fixable by filing a Form 8606 with my next tax return? Correcting this issue moving forward, my employer offers a Fidelity 403b with no matching but they contribute a small percent to it regardless. Should I ask them to deduct from my paycheck to the 403b if that’s possible and max that out annually as my main retirement strategy? Very sorry this is such a basic retirement question.

    1. If you reported it as money deposited into a traditional IRA on your tax return, in the end you shouldn’t be taxed on it, even if you paid with post-tax money.

      1. To clarify, by “in the end” I mean when you file your annual taxes, not when you take the money out in retirement.

    2. You will only get taxed twice on your IRA contributions if you don’t claim them when you file your taxes. If you didn’t miss the no-tax benefit this whole time, that means you get to look forward to it when you get your return (or when it lowers your payment due) next April 15.

  4. Reposting from late in the previous thread. Any anecdata on Covid PCR turnaround times at Walgreens? We’re in a rural area without access to home tests.

      1. It’s not me, it’s a family member who is 70+ and high risk. They need a test so they can get Paxlovid if they have it. But also testing is good so you don’t spread it…

      2. Positive test result (on some kind of test) is still required for a Paxlovid prescription.

        1. I recently obtained a prophylactic Paxlovid prescription and filled it just prior to foreign travel to a relatively remote location (where timely access to medical treatment, if necessary, was uncertain). I did not have a positive test result.

          3. Yeah my 75 year old parents (who’ve never had Covid and have a bunch of risk factors) got shot down when they asked their doctor about prophylactic Paxlovid for travel. If anyone knows how to get this, please tell me more because it would give my parents (and me) peace of mind if they could carry it with them when they travel to countries where it’s not as accessible as here.

          4. Perhaps this is more common in the Washington, DC area? One of my relatives also was able to get a prophylactic Paxlovid prescription for travel from the Kaiser HMO.

    3. Walgreens ID Now is fast – like 2 hours – although admittedly it’s been a year and a half since I did it.

  5. Wooo just got a return offer from the firm I summered at! I didn’t realize how stressed I was about it

    1. Congrats! As someone who got no-offered in 2009, this is not a small thing!! Hope you can celebrate in some way tonight or on the weekend.

  6. TLDR: How do you justify paying full price for an item of clothing? I live near so many stores in a major city and usually shop sales in person. I find it difficult to pay full price for an item I really like, even though I can afford it. I guess I know that the item will go on sale, or have a promotion, but occasionally, there is an item I really want, and I hesitate to go all in.

    A bit more information about me— I have no kids, no debt, married, healthy savings, etc.
    Right now, I like my clothes, though there are lots of wardrobe holes due to weight loss from three years ago. ( the replacement items in a smaller size are just ok or B placeholders)
    Clothes seem to have gotten so expensive and quality for so many things is not great. I like what I have, but as I buy new things, I can’t seem to find basics I like or that I would use often.
    Usually, I’m happy to wait until a sale, am patient and enjoy browsing. Lately, it seems like hard work and tedious, and I just want to buy the item and stop looking. For example ( this prompted my question to be honest) I tried on anthropologies Naomi pants, and they look really good on me, would work for my casual workplace, and are more than I usually pay for a pair of pants.
    I’ve had lots of great advice in the past, and thought I would ask what motivates people to pay full price?

    1. I usually buy full price, I dont’ buy a lot but I buy good quality and love what I have.

    2. I pay full price when it is something I expect to sell out in my size/desired color before it goes on sale.

    3. I am willing to pay full price for items from B Corps and other clothing companies with more sustainable practices/not fast fashion. It means I buy fewer items because these items are more expensive, but that’s a good thing for many reasons obvi.

      If I can’t find what I need from a “good” company, I will pay full price if it is something I will wear a LOT.

    4. I buy it full price if I love it (or it fits a precise hole/need that I have), it fits me perfectly, it is good quality, and it is something that will last. I buy it slowly…. not on impulse. Because what is the rush, if you are paying full price?

    5. I’m like you in that I hate paying full price on principle. I rarely find stuff I like that also fits me very well. When I do find items I like that fit me well, I wear them often even if they’re not “basics.” I’ll wear a shirt I sort of like once in a while, I’ll wear a top I like as often as I can. I also generally struggle with putting together good outfits and feeling good in my clothes. Lots of mornings involve putting on an outfit, finding something “blah” about it for some reason, and having to try again, etc. So the items that I can throw on and know they will *always* work are gold. If I can find something that makes getting dressed easier, that’s a huge annoyance that I get to avoid in my day. Sensing that an item would become one of those items for me makes it feel worth it.

    6. Over many years, and way more wasted money than I want to know, I realized that I bought a lot of stuff just because it was cheap/on sale/similar to the more expensive item that I actually wanted. I have found that being willing to pay full price for what I really want (which also takes time to figure out) is ultimately less wasteful and better for my budget. So I no longer have rules about when I can buy full price; I just buy something if it’s definitely what I want, I know it will last (and can be repaired) and the price is acceptable.

    7. It depends on the brand, the retailer, and how likely it is that I think my size will sell out. I won’t pay full price for anything at J Crew because it will be 30% off in two weeks. Saks and Bloomingdales often have % off sales as well, but certain brands tend to be excluded. My sizes (on the small end in clothes so retailers don’t seem to order much stock, very average in shoes so my size is popular) tend to sell out quickly so if there’s something I really love I will often grab it while it’s still available.

    8. Thank you for the thoughtful replies! I think because so many items I want, eventually go on sale, I have to do the calculus of whether buying it and using sooner is worthwhile.

      1. Based on past history with Anthro, my guess is that those pants will go on sale around 25% to 30% off, eventually. At the price of those pants, I’d probably just buy them now. This is the same calculus of driving an extra 15 minutes to save 5 cents per gallon when your car has a 12 gallon tank.

      2. tbh, I will sometimes buy an item I love at full price but wait to use it (and see if it goes on sale) within the return window. If it does, and the retailer won’t do a price adjustment, I return and reorder.

    9. If the item is high quality -as in: well constructed, natural fibers, high thread count fabric, etc- and is a style that I will be able to wear two or three times a week for at least a decade, then I will pay full price without a second thought.

    10. I almost never do unless it’s a holy grail item for me. I thrift, shop at discount stores (Marshalls), and shop at Old Navy or BRF on sale. Full price ON / BRF is pricey for me so I wait for sales. I very very occasionally shop nicer brands on sale too, but that’s pretty rare.

      Once my weight stabilized, my treat to myself will be one pair of Madewell jeans, which will be a treat to celebrate my weight loss

    11. I pay full price for things I really love because my size often goes out of stock, and then I end up frustrated.

      For you, it sounds like you can afford these pants and have thought it through — so I say go for it, personally. It’s a lot of mental headspace otherwise.

    12. In addition to what others have said, I consider the type of store. Small independently owned boutique where the money is going back into the community, sure I’ll overpay for something not on sale. A large corporate store like Ann Taylor or anthropology, never.

    13. It depends on the store. I would never, ever buy something full price from Macy’s because it will always go on sale. Also Talbots.

      But that isn’t necessarily true at Nordstrom and boutique stores. If it’s a beautiful item and fits me well, I buy it when I need it and don’t worry about it. Like MM La Fleur brand at Nordstrom or their own website, for instance, the price is the price. When things eventually go on sale, it’s unlikely they’ll have my size/color combination.

    14. If I have a specific event at which I need it and want to impress people, and a limited time in which to acquire something. Otherwise I’ll take the time to find something on sale or secondhand.

      1. This. As I get older/have more disposable income I also try to have a running list of ‘gaps’ in my wardrobe and to always make sure I have staples available for categories where I’ve been burned before: cocktail/wedding guest dress, interview suit, funeral outfit, black or neutral dress shoes, dress winter coat, appropriate outdoor gear for snow (insert your local area here but I always need a parka, snow pants, snow boots that fit). If I know something is getting worn out or I don’t have it I’ll make it a point to shop end of year or big holiday sales. Wool dress coats don’t change much over the years so I almost always buy them heavily discounted in summer for example.
        I can’t tell you what a relief it was to go to my closet and easily pull out three days of funeral attire for a close family members wedding without having to run to the stores the day before I flew out.

        1. thank you again for your thoughtful replies. I think I will likely wait for a promotion, but I agree that sometimes the headspace this takes up is frustrating. i appreciate the food for thought!

        2. Ok, I know what you meant but I am cracking up at the thought of pulling out three days of funeral attire for a family wedding. So much truth in this!

    15. I only pay full price for something critical that I can’t find at a lower price point. E.g., the only court-ok suit I can find that season.

    16. I buy things if I love them because I don’t want to risk them selling out by the time they go on sale. The few pennies saved with that approach make no difference to my bottom line. I also avoid the sale regrets, many times I’ve bought things because they were a “deal” and haven’t ended up liking the item as much as if I’d just bought what I wanted in the first place. And get those Naomi pants, they are perfect.

  7. Since this gets talked about a lot here, when you donate clothes that come from mall brands or stores like Target or Old Navy, they are likely going to end up in the trash. If it’s not something you’d buy resale, nobody else is going to want it either.

    1. Most people here are way more affluent than average. Good condition Target/Old Navy are definitely sold at my local Goodwill. I don’t shop there, but some people do.

      1. just bought a cute ON shirt from Goodwill last week! I figured that it wasn’t necessarily cheaper than the shirt would have been on sale, but price is just one of the reasons I shop at thrift stores.

        1. And the Color of the Week absolutely is cheaper! Tops are $2, and brand new shirts at Old Navy can be 10x that or more.

      2. This right here. If it’s in good shape, it goes out for sale at my city’s Goodwill. Much of Target/Old Navy is of pretty good quality, considering the price, so makes it to resale in good shape. Hell, there are some Merona and Cherokee basics that I pick up when I see them because they fit well and aren’t made new anymore.

        1. Long live Merona. The basics were great. Much better than the New Day brand that came after Merona.

          2. +1 I have a Merona skirt suit in Navy Blue that fit me perfectly off the rack. I still have it!

      3. I don’t think that’s what OP is saying. Thrift stores throw it in the trash when it’s donated, and it never ends up on the rack. They have too much of it already.

    2. This may be true in your area, but this certainly is not true where I live. I thrift shop a lot and there are tons of clothes from Target, Old Navy, and mall brands. Half the jeans rack is often American Eagle.

      Thrift stores aren’t consignment shops, which your rule may be fine for.

      Yes, if it’s ripped or stained they’re going to throw it away. But if it’s in good condition, it’s going on the rack.

      1. I’m not talking about rules, I’m talking about realistically what happens to donations. Even of things that make it to the rack, half of it doesn’t get sold.

        1. This is true, and it’s absolutely right that donating is not a counterweight to overconsuming. We all still need to stop overconsuming.

          However, it’s not true that “If it’s not something you’d buy resale, nobody else is going to want it either.”

        2. Okay, I’ll change rule to post.

          I don’t necessarily disagree with the premise that donations are a part of a harmful fast fashion cycle (see above – I thrift store shop a lot to try and avoid participating in fast fashion cycle) and that we all can be better conscious consumers and buy less…but your post wasn’t about that…do you have some sources you can share that most clothes end up in the trash? Because a google search shows a more complex system than ” likely going to end up in the trash.” Looks like Goodwill is really trying to divert whatever it can away from landfills.

        3. If it doesn’t get sold though, it will likely end up at some sort of bins store first. Then after that it may go to the landfill or it may go to a textile recycler.

          FWIW, I am an avid thrifter and buy probably 80% of all my things secondhand. I will buy Old Navy and the like at the thrift! Our thrifts price reasonably for the most part so $2-$5 for Old Navy is a good deal to me.

    3. +1 donating clothes is largely a feel good thing, it doesn’t absolve a person from the responsibility of not over consuming.

      We need to be buying fewer clothes, quality clothes, keeping our clothes longer, and taking care of our clothes properly (which yes can be done on a budget, student me living in poverty managed to do it tyvm).

      1. There’s truly nothing wrong with the quality of ON and Target clothes. No, it’s not Cuyana but I can’t afford Cuyana. But it’s comparable to LOFT (honestly maybe even better).

        I have several pieces from ON and Target that are in my weekly rotation and have been for 5 years and are still going very strong. I’d happily pick up these items from a thrift store or new.

        Honestly ON is getting expensive for my budget. I’d be thrilled to find some solid ON pieces at thrift prices.

        1. For kids clothes I think Target actually holds up better than a lot of the fancy brands. My daughter’s wardrobe is 95% Target.

          1. Target kids’ clothes are awfully good for the price. Certainly better quality than ON, Oshkosh, Carter’s, Children’s Place, and some of the usual kid stores.

          2. I think they’re better than Primary and Hanna Anderson, or at least comparable and way cheaper.

        2. I never said Old Navy was bad, quality of clothing and brand aren’t really related. Quality is dependent on fabric composition, cut, and construction methods. I personally own lots of thrifted vintage ON which is excellent quality.

    4. I’ve sorted clothes at a resale shop and was shocked at how much they trashed – stsained, ripped, out of style (!!!), etc. In my experience, the shop was just so overwhelmed with donations both good and bad that probably 80% of it was trashed. So I agree with the OP here.

    5. What? Second hand stores around here are full of second hand clothes from Target or Old Navy. Sure they’re not going to try to sell worn out clothes, but the same people who buy Target and Old Navy new will be Target and Old Navy “a bit shy of new” at the thrift shop.

      1. Same, items from these brands in good condition are everywhere in thrift stores around me.

        I also know of shoppers who buy exclusively second-hand. So there is a market of thrift shoppers who would not buy new stuff from these places, but are happy to buy them second-hand.

        1. But if you haven’t seen the back rooms of these places, then you don’t know what is trashed. I don’t agree that none of those clothes make it to the rack, but almost none of them do on a percentage basis.

          1. I recommend the book Secondhand by Adam Minter. The most in-depth research on second hand shopping does not support “almost none” of donated items being offered for sale. Goodwill’s website also has a lot of info for transparency on what they do.

          2. Thanks for the rec Monday! I just requested Secondhand by Adam Minter from the library. I’m intrigued now from my cursory quick Google dive this afternoon. I saw some of the Goodwill stats on their website and they’re doing way more to avoid landfills than I realized.

            This description is definitely me: not buy new stuff from these places, but are happy to buy them second-hand.

        1. Heck I’ve bought Old Navy and Target clothes on Poshmark, let alone at Thrift stores. Some of it is getting sold!

        2. What is your goal with these comments? Of course it is not ideal and we should consume less but people own things now that they are going to donate… would you rather they didn’t and threw them away now without even trying to extend the useful life?

        3. Well, except for American Eagle jeans I’ll buy from a thrift store. I won’t buy AE jeans directly anymore because I know Goodwill has a bunch of options/styles/sizes – I might as well buy them from there for less.

          I also buy mall brands. For some of us who like clothes and like to shop but are trying to conscious consumers (and aren’t brand snobs), we absolutely buy those clothes.

          You’re really saying this like you know this to be in fact true. It conflicts with my anecdotal experience with actually being a thrift store shopper. I’m totally game to read your sources and change my mind if you have any sources on this.

    6. I buy this type of clothing from Good Will and I see a lot of it on the racks.

      When my friends and I were early career we exclusively had to buy cheaper brands second hand.

      1. You see a lot on racks but you don’t see what was thrown away before it made its way to the racks. I know this is true. I’m not OP. Thrift stores get so much Old Navy and Walmart and random Amazon brand merch, they can’t put it all out. It’s not that you won’t see it on the racks. It’s that the racks are already so full, new donations like those go into the trash.

        Agree with the point that overconsumption is overconsumption and is not ameliorated by donating.

    7. I offer them up free via FB marketplace or Nextdoor. People take what they want and pass on the rest.

    8. I buy primarily second-hand and do see lower end brands like old navy quite often (even shein) so they are being put out for sale. I don’t buy them myself, but I’m sure there are people that do.

    10. IMHO, you’re best off cleaning the clothes and posting them on FB for someone to get the whole lot of them for free. “Here’s a batch of last year’s size 6 and 8 clothes from Target, clean, no rips, porch pickup.”

  8. My best friend’s terrible partner has apparently turned abusive and she’s getting out (long overdue IMO). They’re not married, but have two small children together. She’s a surgical resident but happens to have next week off, so I’m flying down to help her next week.

    We need to get her an apartment and childcare, but what else should I try to help with while I’m there?
    I’m worried her ex is going to try and get full custody and generally try to ruin her life. How can she protect herself?
    I feel like a little kid who needs an adult.

    1. Wow – you are awesome for flying out to help her. Awesome. It is a herculean task for one week, in the middle of a surgical residency.

      Fill her freezer with healthy food. Clean her home/move her stuff. Hire people to help. Buy some books/small things for the kids. This is very scary for them.

      It is…. impossible to be a surgical resident and take care of 2 young children alone. She will have to hire a full time nanny+ that can work overtime and have back up care, as her hours are not her own. In scenarios like this, she may have to work with the father…. just …. impossible not to have joint custody at a minimum due to her hours working alone. Unless she has family right there to help her. And the abuse case is strong…

      Ugh. Good for you.

    2. One more time (with feeling): SHE NEEDS A LAWYER. She needs a lawyer now. If he has been physically violent, she needs to document any injuries and probably make a police report/get a restraining order but her absolute first order of business is to get a good attorney.

    3. And if her hospital has any kind of EAP/confidential helpline for residents, encourage her to call it.

    4. Coming from someone who has worked in domestic violence crisis counseling:
      – You are a hero for going to help her, esp since you’re flying over!
      – Your friend might feel very overwhelmed and out of control — listen to her, try to think through the 3-5 immediate concerns, don’t feel pressured to address everything all at once. Follow her lead.
      – Safety planning: gauge how dangerous the partner is and how to protect friend & kids. Maybe that means making sure the ex doesn’t know her new address. Maybe that means drafting other people to go pack with her if her ex will be there.
      – Seek outside help. There should be domestic violence orgs in her area. They can help with safety planning, maybe free/reduced cost counseling/legal services, etc.
      – Documentation of injuries – if your friend had physical injuries, it is not a bad idea to go to the hospital and get a medical form with photos filled out. The doctor should know what to do if you specify that it was domestic violence. Otherwise, have her write down what happened, keep your text chains.
      – Figure out how much or what to tell the kids. This will be her decision, but you can be her sounding board.

    5. She needs a safety plan (if EAP can’t help, try local law enforcement) in case he shows up violent.

      She needs a lawyer. If she can’t afford a lawyer, some family courts have really good self-help coordinators who can assist her in determining what she needs (full custody/no visitation? Or full custody/limited visitation with him on a strict visitation schedule so no one can wiggle around it? Or joint custody/joint visitation – again strict schedule so no one can wiggle around it?) and in getting it.

      Some large employers offer legal insurance, which can help with this. Does hers?

      Probably a therapist for the kids. Maybe tell their primary MD?

      Someone to answer the question: what, if anything, should we tell the kids’ schools/childcare to do if he shows up. Who is on the list of adults who are allowed to pick up the kids and remove them from school/childcare.

    7. It’s back-to-school time soonish in most places, so helping her and the kids buy school supplies or clothes would be 1) helpful and 2) a nice distraction. That said, the most important thing you can do is watch the kids while she meets with a lawyer and finds housing. You are wonderful for coming in to help her out.

      FWIW (and this isn’t legal advice), having either spouse get full custody (physical and decision-making) is very, very far from the norm nowadays in the US. I’m not saying it never happens, but it isn’t the starting point for most family law courts.

    8. She needs to talk to a lawyer. Call a domestic violence hotline or take her to a family justice center if she lives near one or call the family court and see if there are advocates to talk her through options and safety planning. Note that lots of legal services orgs that generally serve low-income folks are more flexible on their income cap for people leaving abusive relationships because you don’t necessarily have access to your money.

    9. She need her own bank accounts and cards that he cannot access before he knows she’s leaving. She may need a new phone and computer, in case he’s been tracking her. Change all passwords. Bring passports and birth certificates etc.

      Get a lawyer before she leaves – unless of course she’s in immediate danger – assume he will block, threaten, take and use anything against her that is not gone and no longer under his control as soon as he knows she’s going.

    10. She needs a lawyer who can walk her through how to document the abuse. Do this right now if its not already done.

      I left my husband and had to leave my children behind. I was an absolute nervous wreck. The abuse was not violent but I realize now he is a covert narcissist martyr. I managed to get divorced from him without issue but he uses his time with the children to bad mouth me, undermining me, which has affected my relationship with the children. He also has not paid child related costs in a year, beyond half of the 2020 IRS refund where he agreed I could keep his half and incidental expenses amounting to about $1500. I am now looking like the crazy lady despite me being the one who has moved mountains to get out of a bad marriage where I was being increasingly isolated.

      I highly recommend having an au pair on top of a nanny so she has close to 24/7 coverage. The au pair can only work 45 hours a week so only really sufficient for wrap care. They can do child related tasks, so they do my childrens laundry, clean/tidy their bedroom, change bed linen, does their lunchbox and prepares their meals the days I am working. My children have autism, ADD and dyslexia.

    11. If she’s a US-based surgery resident she likely needs extremely flexible childcare with coverage far outside of normal hours (very early morning, 28-hour shifts, weekends). Helping strategize around that would likely be a big source of help since garden-variety day care would probably leave some holes, even a daycare associated with the hospital.

  9. a couple we are friends with is getting divorced. they live in NJ but he is moving to FL. we were initially friends with the husband, DH has known him for 20 years at this point. we’ve known the wife for about 6 years. he has been a horrible husband and father, goes on multiple solo vacations a year, spends zero time with the kid, doesn’t go to the playground with the family bc it is ‘boring’ etc. his parents (who he spends a lot of time with in FL) drink a lot of alcohol, etc. he actually filed for divorce and now they are in custody proceedings and she wants me to write a letter on her behalf. he wants the daughter for all school vacations and for his weekends with her, once to take her to CT to be with his Aunt. the mom is upset that her daughter won’t be able to go to birthday parties, play in town sports, etc. and is concerned about her child’s safety given the amount of alcohol he has a history of consuming. my heart breaks for her and for her daughter, and i want to write a letter, or is it better for me to stay out of it

    2. I would definitely write the letter on behalf of the kid. I would try to keep it as fact based as possible and use examples.

      On the other hand, for better or worse, I bet this dad stops picking the kid up fairly quickly after the dust settles so this will be a non-issue down the line.

      2. Agree. I’m in my late fifties and I’ve seen this happen so many times. Dad wants a lot of custody to reduce child support payments, then after the novelty wears off (very quickly) and/or he gets a new, younger wife who wants nothing to do with his gross children (even quicker), dad stops picking the kid up at all. The kids lose every time – less child support, and they lose a parent.

        And I guarantee every dad who did this in my circle will claim it’s his ex-wife’s fault.

    3. I would write a letter. Her attorney could have helpful resources on what said letter should look like or could be able to give you an outline.

    4. Sad truths here: (1) the letter won’t make an inch of difference; (2) unless he has a DUI or public intoxication conviction or a documented history of child neglect as a result of being drunk, the judge is not going to care about his drinking; and (3) the judge is also not going to care about the kid missing birthday parties or playing sports because maintaining a relationship with a parent is more important than either of those things. Since Dad is choosing to leave the state, Mom will probably get primary physical custody with 50/50 legal custody and Dad will get the majority of school holidays (although he will probably have to split Christmas/Thanksgiving).

      The amount of time he is requesting is not really compatible with a checked-out father. It might be that he is just doing this to punish his ex and will not actually take advantage of the time he is awarded, or it might be that you are only getting mom’s version of events. In either event unless you personally witnessed him endangering his child, I would stay out of it.

      1. “The amount of time he is requesting is not really compatible with a checked-out father. ”

        Was going to post this, not from the perspective of a lawyer but the perspective of someone who has held the hands of several divorcing friends, at this point. I believe divorcing dads are told to ask for max custody and visitation time because in theory, the more they have the kid, the less they pay in child support (this is what a couple of my friends were told by their lawyers). In reality, the irresponsible husband and father becomes a REALLY irresponsible single dad who goes into a second adolescence, and only takes the kid a fraction of the time they are supposed to have them. If the support order is then, at that point, not an accurate reflection of the time spent with each parent, the mom has to go to court to get the support decree amended which takes time, money, aggravation, etc. Dad can skate off, nearly scot-free, and live his best life paying a fraction of the support he would have to if the order reflected reality, which is that the kid is with Mom 90-95% of the time.

        OP, tell your friend not to worry so much right now. Every single one of my friends who had this experience ended up in a situation where, 2-5 years post-divorce, the kid(s) spent almost no time with their dad. Does that suck for the kid? Absolutely. But since we don’t really have a way to force people to care about their offspring – it is what it is.

        If your friend is OK financially on whatever small amount of support Dad is willing to shell out, she should think about what it means to maximize her peace and minimize the disruption and strife her kids will have to experience. I say this because one of my friends knew her ex was immediately going to turn into a deadbeat dad, tried to fight the custody agreement and support amount, ended up getting dragged through the mud (at one hearing her ex tried to call a witness who was going to testify she had gotten drunk and had sex with a boyfriend in front of her kids – which never happened), and it was a huge, hot mess that ended up getting her really not much of anything, except heartache and crazy hatred for her ex. Sure enough, a year after the divorce he stopped picking the kids up for visitation weekends and dropped out of contact, and then she got a letter in the mail that he had moved to a new state (and she then found out on Facebook he married a woman 15 years younger than him, and they were starting their own family) and was no longer interested in 50/50 legal custody and only wanted visitation for one week in the summer. She happily signed off on that plan, without asking for additional support; the kids never visited their dad again (as far as I know); my friend got remarried to a genuinely good guy and the kids’ stepfather is filling that “second parent” role in their lives, and all is well.

        OP – I would write the letter but also just be there for your friend as a friend. This is a tough thing for a lot of women to realize – they married a complete jerk who only cares about themselves – and coming around to what their “new life” is going to look like is usually a complex process.

    5. Are you concerned that the child would be unsafe with the father? If so, I would talk to your husband first, but would write the letter. If you just think he is not as good of a parent but is safe, I would stay out of it.

      Honestly, based on what you have said, I would be shocked if he actually made an effort to see the kid after a year or two pass post-divorce. Seems like so many deadbeat fathers of me and my friends in the 90s, all of whom disappeared within a few years of the divorce

    6. I think the advice that a letter won’t make a legal bit of difference is spot on so I’d look at this as team picking. This is your husband’s old friend, is he prepared to lose that friendship? If you write the letter, that’s what happens. You need to talk to him and pick a team.

  10. She needs to talk to a lawyer – finances and custody of the kids are probably the biggest items after immediate physical safety

    If she’s up for calling a DV hotline, they often can talk through next steps, connect her to local resources, etc, even if she doesn’t want emergency secure shelter right now. IME, sometimes people think their situation isn’t “serious” enough for a DV hotline, but they are a resource for the whole spectrum of abuse.

    (and you’re a good friend!)

  11. This feels so mundane compared to the discussions above, but I hate how I look and it’s starting to interfere with my life. I find myself canceling social engagements because I don’t want people to see me. I started crying when I got my new headshots.

    I gained 25 pounds since 2020, in part because of a combination of infertility treatments, multiple pregnancy losses, depression (and antidepressants), pandemic isolation, and, most recently, perimenopause. The weight gain is a big part of why I don’t like the way I look.

    I guess I am looking for two kinds of advice: first, any weight loss advice you may have; second, advice on how to get over this desire to hide.

    1. all the hugs to you….I have felt this way, and it is dreadful. Post this again tomorrow, as it is late in the day and ‘rettes may not see i. xoxo

Comments are closed.