Suit of the Week: Another Tomorrow

98 Comments

1. I know this has come up before, but when you are in an overwhelmed phase of life, what would/do you outsource to give yourself some breathing room? I am in a really stressful period at work, going to grad school full time, and going through a divorce. I work from home and live alone with my dog, and come from a working class background, so feel weirdly guilty about paying for help, though I can definitely afford it (the old ‘I should be able to handle this myself’ mentality).

   I have a housekeeper scheduled to start soon. What else would you do to ease the load?

   1. it depends on what is causing you stress and taking up time. from your post i cannot tell what that as.

   2. I think a housekeeper is a huge help. When I lived alone, every other week was enough for me, but I’m very tidy and didn’t have a pet. If you need a person once a week (or more!) then have the person come more often. If you can pay more to have the person change sheets, do laundry, and do dishes, then do so. Alternatively, I’ve had friends who drop off all of their laundry at a place that’s like a dry cleaner that also washes clothing. Usually this is charged by the pound, I think.

      Would a dog walker during the day help? If you work and are in school, perhaps needing to walk the dog is a stress point. If someone else walks the dog, then you only do so on days you have time and feel like doing it. But you’ll know the dog is taken care of.

      I pay a CPA who is also a SAHM to do my taxes, and it’s worth every penny to me. I hate doing taxes and, while it’s only once per year, I prefer to pay her than figure it out and do it myself.

      If you’re in a home and don’t enjoy yard work, hire someone to mow your yard. You can probably use the same person who one of your neighbors uses.

      If your closets are messy and you think life would be less stressful if they were not, hire an organizer person to come fix your closets or drawers.

      Think about the regular life chores that you do. What would you like to get rid of? That’s the answer to your question about what to hire out.

      1. This is super helpful, thank you!

         1. On the cleaners/laundry: I would previously do laundry before my cleaners came, and asked them to fold laundry (which they did for a nominal fee). Sorting and folding multiple loads of laundry can take up to an hour for me, and it was worth every penny to avoid that headache (but significantly cheaper for me than the places that charge by the pound.)

            1. Oooh asking the cleaner to fold the laundry is a great idea, definitely my least liked chore.

            2. yes, I will often start the laundry and then put it in the dryer before my cleaner arrives, and she folds and puts it away. Otherwise the clean laundry lives in the dryer for days before I get around to it. It’s a huge help. Somehow I also find breaking down cardboard boxes overwhelming and impossible to do (I know, I know), but my cleaner is a machine with cardboard boxes and does all that. I can’t live without her. :)

   3. Grocery delivery

   4. Cooking, to some degree. I’d buy a quiche or something similar for dinner. I’ve found the best range of prepared foods at fancier grocery stores (Whole Foods, etc).

   5. For me it’s definitely grocery delivery & pre-made food/takeout. The last thing I want to do is worry about meal planning and cooking when I’m stressed.

      1. There might be some places local to OP that put together whole heat-and-eat meals. Even easier than something like Hello Fresh.

   6. Great you have a housekeeper starting. That will ease some of the burden.

      It sounds counterintuitive but I think you just have high stress and the best way I handle high stress is to make myself chill out. I have a list of things to do and a consistent schedule.

      Your divorce will probably be causing way more stress than you realize. I hired a divorce coach and therapist to help me with responding to the crazy messages and documentation. I no longer have the divorce coach but I’ve kept the therapist because she is excellent and guiding me through the process as I have to parent the children through this.

      The dog is a lot of work, so hire a dog walker and power walk the dog 20min 2x a day instead of rushing through it. Use it as a break in your schedule.

      1. Thanks for this. I think you’re probably right that the divorce is causing more stress than I realize, and these are good recommendations.

   7. Housekeeping (for tidying, laundry, organizing), cleaning service (for deep cleaning), laundry, meals (pre-made and delivered, such as Mighty Meals, pre-made at the grocery store, or just a lot more takeout), lawn/yard service. And second the reccs for a dog walker or dog daycare.

   8. Laundry. When I was making a lot less money, I would still pay to drop off my laundry when I had a busy period at work.

   9. Put basics on a monthly subscription so you don’t need to figure out what you need and shop: tp, laundry detergent, dish detergent, etc.

      1. I love this idea. Another alternative would be to make a list of all the household and personal care stuff you need (shampoo, lotion, detergent, Tylenol, etc.) and make a single trip to Target/Walmart/whatever and just buy enough of everything to last you 3+ months so you don’t have to think about it again or manage multiple deliveries. Same goes for wherever you buy dog food and other supplies.

         Personally, I would also lean into meal delivery (Factor or similar) over grocery delivery/pickup, but that’s because I personally find that deciding on foods to buy and then having to cook and clean up is a major stressor, and the takeout options near me are not very healthy. If you find that routine to be calming, then maybe stick with the groceries.

         I am a person who likes variety in what I wear, but would consider leaning into a capsule wardrobe in your situation. It doesn’t have to even be a small number of clothing items – just the act of putting out of sight and out of mind all of the clothes that you don’t/can’t wear right now will reduce visual clutter. Pack away or move to another closet your winter clothes and boots and anything that doesn’t fit right now or has no use case (like special occasion outfits that you won’t be using in the next few months) to make it easier to access the items you wear the most or are excited to wear.

         1. You just reminded me to order shampoo and conditioner. I have a lot of this type of stuff on subscribe and save at amazon, but Costco Kirkland brand moisture shampoo and conditioner are $11.99 each for 33.8 ounce bottles, and you don’t have to be a member to order them. Someone on here told me about them, and thank you! My original bottles from that tip have lasted around a year, and my hair loves this stuff.

   10. I don’t know that this will play well here, but I’ve stopped reading the news during periods of high stress in my life. I used to watch Brian Williams on MSNBC with my husband every night before bed (still love Brian Williams) and I realized it was interfering with my sleep.

       If I wasn’t lying awake ruminating about a work project, I was doing the same with national and international news. I can’t solve everything. I will continue to vote, but I can’t, for instance, solve the situation in Gaza no matter how I wish I could. I’m upset about so much of what is going on here in the US right now, but I can’t fix it by losing sleep over it.

   11. Alternative comment here–when I am overwhelmed with stuff I have to do (work or otherwise), and I am stressed, what really makes a difference for me is to think about what things “fill my cup.” That might be art, or exercise, or trying a new recipe, or going to a local wine tasting, or friend time, a nice dinner out, or hanging in the park, or just going for a short walk in nature. That also means giving yourself grace if, say, the laundry is not folded. Or permission to order (healthy) takeout a bit more, or the like.

       It isn’t always about “what can I outsource”, but also, sometimes it’s “what short amount of time can I carve out to feel like a person this week.” That helps me the most. Good luck!

       1. This is a good point! Thank you

   12. Revisit how you approach things if doing everything “perfectly” or “correctly” is an issue for you. For example, you don’t need to get 3 bids before hiring someone to do something. Just pick the first one or the one a friend recommended and get it off your list. Not everything needs to be optimized. Not saying this is you, but I’m rarely overwhelmed because I rarely choose to optimize, I just get stuff done and move on.

   13. Are you in a location where you can get to a Fresh Market grocery store? If so, there is always a $20 rotisserie chicken meal. It has whole chicken, two large containers of sides, and a container of corn muffins. The first two nights I just eat the meal, and I pick the meat off the chicken and freeze the pieces. The third night I finish off the sides and the corn muffins for a vegetarian meal. The fourth night I throw together a simple green salad and put thawed, cold chicken pieces on it, and I make an extra one to put in the fridge for the fifth night. Also they frequently have a special where a container of chicken salad comes with four free croissants. They sell a pricy but excellent giant container of cut fruit, and Al of that divided four ways makes four nice meals. Other conveniences abound there. If you don’t have access to a Fresh Market store, first, I’m so sorry, and second, these kind of meals could probably be cobbled together from most any decent grocery store. I just like how convenient and requiring of no great thought that the Fresh Market makes it!

2. There are so many great recommendations for travel locations and hotels and restaurants and so forth on this site and elsewhere – how do you keep track of it all? I have a few Pinterest boards and notes but it’s just a lot in different places

   1. My real life friends and family make fun of me for this, but I have a Google doc with tentative family travel plans for the next 5ish years. It’s definitely not set in stone, and we make changes based on opportunities that come up, but I like mapping things out and trying to find optimal trips for each age group, especially since we only have one kid and it feels like her childhood is flying by too quickly. I also leave past family trips in there so I can remember what year/age we went everywhere.

      I also have a Google doc with a list of Caribbean resorts I want to visit at some point, both family friendly and adults only. I’m much picker about beach resorts than city hotels, where I mainly just want a clean and well-located place to sleep.

      Otherwise, I just research hotels and food right before a trip.

      1. This is me, too, down to the only child!

      2. Oh man I’d love to see your list of Caribbean resorts! We’ve stayed at a few fancy/expensive places and I still feel that they are just good, not great, despite 5-star prices.

         1. Yeah, I feel like especially with family all-inclusive resorts you pay a LOT to get a good but not great experience. We’ve been to Beaches Turks and Caicos and enjoyed it but it’s nowhere near worth the $1,500+ per night price point, imo. I would like to try Grand Velas, which is a similar price point and supposed to be a bit nicer, but I’m kind of wary of Mexico travel right now. We LOVE Grand Case Beach Club in St. Martin which is pretty affordable (<$500/night in high season) but it's not all-inclusive – there are lots of great restaurants in walking distance though.

            1. Hmm. Good to know. My brother and his wife both got food poisoning at a Grand Velas in Mexico so I’m a bit wary of the brand. I’ve heard ‘Finest’ and ‘Melia’ are both good but the reviews are mixed – I’m ok with ‘good not great’ food, but I draw the line at food poisoning which seemed a not infrequent issue according to Trip Advisor!
               We’ve done the BahaMar twice and it was also good, not great (no food poisoning though!) and the prices are sky high. Bluefields Bay Villas in Jamaica was 1000% worth the money but it is a TREK and my teens want more of a resort vibe vs. high end villas with a beach.

   2. I keep Google docs for every trip. for future ideas with no concrete plan, I copy suggestions into a big “general info” doc.

   3. I have a few notes in OneNote for trips I want to take – some more concrete than others!

   4. We started using Wanderlog for all our trips – both real and hypothetical.

   5. I use the pages app, it’s easier to screen shot things and save them by place.

3. Still looking for sheets…does anyone have the Quince Organic Brushed Cotton sheets, or the Company Store Brushed Cotton sheets? I’m realizing I like brushed cotton, and I know a few people mentioned the Company Store yesterday, but not specifically the brushed ones.

   1. i have company store sheets but not brushed cotton i dont think. i like super crisp sheets

   2. oh! i’ve never tried those – i hate super crisp sheets. i usually either go for t-shirt material or linen in the summer.

4. i know we’ve had some discussion on here about the oppressed/oppressor dichotomy and someone just shared a therapy practice with me, where they focus on helping people break free of capitalist standards and dismantling oppressive systems as part of their work…this sounds like brainwashing, not therapy! I am a HUGE believer in therapy, but please make sure that you and your loved ones vet your therapists.

   1. I bet they send bills that they expect you to pay though.

   2. Thank you for the PSA, I’m sure anti-capitalist, brainwashing therapists are rampant!

   3. This feels like a pendulum swing from typical therapy (insofar as it is so often about adapting to oppressive systems so we can keep making the kind of money that pays for therapy).

   4. Some therapy is so awful, honestly – it encourages rumination, a victim mindset, endlessly bringing up conflicts with others to make them see it your way, black and white thinking about oppression, shutting out family and friends in the name of self-care, and worse. It’s disturbing.

      1. Anyone else noticed this hive taking a decided swing to the right these days??!?!? I certainly have.

         1. Neither the left nor the right has the monopoly on bad therapy. The left probably has the edge, though.

         2. How is this a right vs left issue?

         3. Yes! Has left a bad taste in my mouth for sure and makes me want to come here less.

            1. I think women on the right or who tend more conservative overall if not fully right would probably say the same about this place over the last several years – that it’s not welcoming. I’m not in that group, but even I’ve seen some posts that I thought were excessively hostile towards conservative viewpoints.

         4. It’s not just here. Think of how the NYT has changed.

      2. Hi Prince Harry!

   5. Another PSA when it comes to therapy…just because it’s a female therapist doesn’t mean they understand domestic abuse and never do unsupervised ABA therapy for a child.

      1. Just skip the ABA therapy altogether, really! There are other approaches.

         I had a stereotype I guess that therapists specialize in trauma and abuse and neuropsychological conditions since in my mind those were the things people need therapy for the most. I think in reality those are all opt-in specializations that many therapists don’t much of have a background in. It still feels strange to me that what they call trauma informed therapy is distinct from regular therapy.

   6. I can imagine any number of therapeutic modes might sound like “brainwashing” to somebody who disagrees with the premises on which they are based. Me personally, I have no particular problem with breaking free of capitalist standards and dismantling oppressive systems.

   7. Haha,
      There is (still!) a primary care physician in my area who told a male friend of mine and my husband both that they were “Type A” and that was their entire problem. Turns out my friend had pneumonia, and my husband had a herniated disc in his neck. My husband is the least type A person on earth (that’s me) and no amount of meditation was going to cure his nerve impingment.

      I had the misfortune of visiting her once when my PCP retired and she took his caseload. She told me the issue with my thyroid (Hashimoto’s) was working for Corporate America, and that I should give up my hellish commute (11 miles) and work locally in the public sector.

   8. Therapy has been literally lifesaving for my college aged son, so I don’t want your message to turn everyone off of therapy.

      1. Only the people who clutch their pearls too hard, and they’re a lost cause anyway.

5. After reading this morning’s threat about feeling like you or a family member got poor medical care, I just want to add how I really think that being a lawyer has seemed to be why I feel that I get good medical care. I never say it but I do put it in the form where it asks for your job (I practice in an unrelated regulatory area). I also am in the habit of sending over all data in the patient portal app, as much as I can quantify and that this is not typical for me.

   I do worry how much bad care goes unnoticed and under-remedied. I do believe that accidents in medicine are as common as anywhere else and yet the consequences are often the thing you can’t really remedy. Suing after something really bad has happened seems draining and also not satisfactory (you got delayed care for a stroke and now need a nursing home: money won’t fix that).

   1. I genuinely don’t think most physicians are changing the quality of their care based on their patients’ professions, but maybe I am too naive.

      1. I feel like when people know they are being watched, they often act differently. I can see a lawyer getting a more professional level of interactions than an older overweight woman with accent wearing say a WalMart work uniform. In an ER, maybe it’s all the same. But possibly not at an office visit (say to a reproductive endocrinologist).

      2. I have had providers who proactively mention that I’m a lawyer after I’ve written it on the form. Or ones who ask what I do as part of small talk or the exam, and they take clear note. I’ve also had friends whose doctors have mentioned it. I also believe that my mother got better medical care sometimes because my ex-husband was an ICU nurse and I’m a lawyer, and we were present a lot. I have never and never would say that I was going to sue if I didn’t get XYZ, but yes providers take note.

         1. This resonates.

         2. I also think it helps some pay more attention. Conversations with my doctors used to go like this: “What do you do?” I”m a lawyer.” “Oh, what type?” “Medical malpractice.” “Ohhhh.”

            1. Precisely!

         3. This. Nothing gets better care for my mom than “my daughter the lawyer from the big city” took off work to take me to this appointment. This actually got doctors to take my mom’s complaints seriously, which lead to an autoimmune diagnosis.

            1. When my mother was in dementia care assisted living, on random days at random times when I’d been in court I’d deliberately pop in after court for a short visit all suited up and looking like a scary lawyer. I’m very sad to say I think it does make them sit up and take notice.

         4. Yep. For elderly relatives, mentioning relevant legislation during tours of care homes was a helpful filter. Some card homes answered the question while others balked.

      3. I noticed I get better care if I show up looking professional in a blazer than I do looking schlubby in casual clothes, so I definitely believe this.

   2. Suing in those situations is often draining and unsatisfactory but sometimes the patient needs to hear it from a professional like a medmal practice attorney and not their daughter. That’s clearly the comfort or resolution from wondering if it was worth it that OP was trying to provide her mom by getting the name of someone in the area.

   3. Oh, you think providers read what you write on the form before they meet you? I once had a doctor say that the issue that brought me to him could not possibly be age/menopause related because I was only in my 30s. While he was holding the sheet of paper on which I had written my birthday. I was 51 at the time.

      1. No, but often I see them skim the forms or screen or it comes up if you are in work attire. Where I live, most women my age are SAHMs so I think they are looking for similar professional women as just a kindred spirit of a sort. But even male doctors mention it (oh, you’re an accountant, at least you’re not a lawyer), even if as a bad joke.

      2. Absolutely they do. I work in pharmaceutical manufacturing – I get a LOT of questions from doctors, even ones I’ve just met, based on that intake form. It is rare that I have a doctor who doesn’t bring it up.

   4. One thing I have encountered a lot in medicine is what looks to me like folk wisdom and out-of-date beliefs, and I’m never sure how to respond to it. I’m okay with a doctor knowing better than a resource like UpToDate or than an expert specialist if they have a reason (a lot of doctors can do better than general guidelines for their individual patients). But sometimes it feels more like they’re winging it on what they remember from med school and the support for their belief is that a lot of other doctors hold it. I assume it all comes down to being overworked and having too many patients to keep up with while what there is to know about diseases and treatments proliferates yearly.

      1. And there is a lot of art of medicine along with the science. Often, if I’m seeing a specialist, it’s because things are not vanilla. Most research isn’t done on women, let alone women who are in menopause. Hormones flux a lot more with women vs men and I think this is understudied. Also, most medicines are studied on adult men. So IDK that dosing gets adjusted down for weight often, but for most people it’s the same as for a man who may weigh twice what you do. I hope our livers are up to it.

         1. Hormones flux a lot more with women vs men and I think this is understudied.
            It absolutely is understudied, and it has long been by design. The hormonal fluctuations were thought to produce aberrations in data. Researchers have simply assumed that what worked for men as default would work for women as well.

      2. I agree with this. Some doctors repeat stuff that is beyond out of date or easily disproven in seconds – things like “young people don’t get colorectal cancer.”

   5. There is so much sloppiness out there. I just got back from a prenatal appointment where the office keeps trying to charge me copays despite my insurance plan and ACA making it 100% clear there is no patient cost-sharing for office visits for prenatal care. Then they calculate BMI even though it’s not a valid measure in pregnancy. I was the one who had to point out that I meet multiple high-risk criteria for preeclampsia and should therefore be placed on aspirin. I truly worry about the care that some women are receiving – not everyone has the time or knowledge to advocate as much as needed.

      1. Yeah, it’s like you can get a doula for birth but you probably need one for every visit over your lifetime to advocate for you for anything not truly routine.

      2. BMI isn’t honestly a valid measure for anything but population health; its use in medicine has been criticized as one of those pseudoscientific traditions that just won’t die!

         1. Very true, but it’s even MORE invalid for pregnancy!

      3. Just had an x-ray where I had to produce a copy of my insurance card when checking in. Got a bill with a “discount” for no insurance. They didn’t even bother trying to bill the insurance. And there’s no phone number for the billing department!

   6. This is somewhat unrelated, but did anyone else read the articles recently about the study that showed people who were cared for by female doctors in the hospital had lower death rates and lower rates of readmission? I was zero percent surprised by that finding.

      I will also say that I have seen a lot of doctors over my lifetime, and I haven’t loved all of them. I have not gone back to the ones I didn’t love, or who I felt dismissed my concerns in any way. I have probably been lucky to land with a PCP and several specialists who consistently show curiosity about my medical issues, talk me through the ramifications of various issues and potential solutions, and seem to be up-to-date on the medical literature (“X medicine is considered a first line treatment, and it’s great if it works for you, but if it doesn’t you should ask me to prescribe something else”; “I selected this specialty because I really love the science”; being willing to admit they don’t know how I will feel after going off a long-term medication). I don’t think it’s a coincidence that they’re all women. The only male doctors I have seen are a dentist and a general surgeon. I also probably come from a place of privilege of being white and only overweight vs. obese, and living in an area with many doctors to choose from that are connected to an excellent local hospital system (and many independent doctors as well). FWIW I’ve loved several PAs and DOs that I’ve really liked as well, and I do think their training may predispose them to a more holistic view of health.

      1. A few months ago I had a major medical event including hospitalization and had to see several specialists following it. Two of them, older white males, said “I’ve seen worse” as their complete response to what happened to me. Back to my regular specialist, who was on maternity leave when I saw her replacement, and we had a long conversation about my issues. The dudes wanted to dismiss me immediately.

      2. I have some great women physicians on my team currently! Just like what you’ve described. Of the really great men physicians I’ve seen, some were from another era and never quit learning, and some just didn’t fit one or another club (one had ADHD, two had strong southern accents at Yankee institutions). I think women still aren’t totally welcome in the club, and that clubbishness is the origin of some of the most problematic medical care (being defensive of authority and tradition, being afraid or unwilling to stand out, not wanting to be looked down on for taking the wrong sort of patient too seriously, and so on).

   7. I think it can be helpful to know in certain cases. For example, a pilot or a school teacher or a park ranger might have different working conditions which make certain medical conditions more or less common.

      1. This makes sense to me if it’s legit, but if it’s something like “that is a stressful profession, so every single symptom you present with is probably always from nothing but stress” it is frustrating.

   8. I am a lawyer who has had really good insurance most of my career so I get all the tests and all the care. That said, I have realized that many judges and senior colleagues whom I admired when I was younger aren’t a brilliant as I thought they were. They make mistakes that are rarely noticed. And that fact has made me more fearful of doctors.

6. If you have a checked-luggage wheelie from Travelpro and love it, which model do you have? And soft or hard sided?

   1. https://travelpro.com/collections/checked-luggage/products/maxlite%C2%AE-5-26-expandable-rollaboard%C2%AE?variant=39949529743458

   2. I have the Maxlite 25 inch expandable soft sided spinner and it’s nice and fits a ton.

   3. I have the type made for professional pilots and crews, that is not sold in regular retail stores, called Travelpro FlightCrew 5. You have to find this luggage at online specialty sites that cater to pilots and crew. It has features to enhance strength and durability, which means it weighs slightly more than other Travelpro lines. I LOVE my rollaboard — it has a huge YKK zipper and a huge underplate/skidplate that allows me to bump it up and down stairs, if necessary. These are soft-sided.

   4. I’ve bought x3 different soft sided travelpro suitcases over the years. They’re all work horses. My oldest one is 12 years old and is still in really good shape after being checked a ton on domestic and international flights. Really I’d trust any of their cases. One quirk I’ve found, is usually the front pocket configuration is the item that will change the most between models. Their website doesn’t really show that part very much. So I usually shop for new suitcases in-person. In my metro, we have a luggage specialty store that cares them.

   5. My strong belief is that hard-sided is best for carry-on and soft-sided is best for checked. And if you need one that will be both, go soft-sided.

7. Any DC-area/NoVa ladies have a florist that you like? Trying to get an order in ASAP for mother’s day, and the place I used last year didn’t work out well.

   1. Try Company Flowers in Arlington, VA. Good luck!

   2. I just received the most gorgeous flowers from Little Acre in DC. Also had a good experience with Blossoms of Bethesda.

   3. Second Little Acres, I also like She Loves Me.

   4. I second the recommendation for Company Flowers!

8. I have some friends I can speak with IRL about this but would appreciate anonymous thoughts too. I am mid-30s and have a lovely boyfriend, who is (I would guess) 70/30 pro having kids. A hangup I have is my boyfriend seems rather clueless and not all that interested in the risks of pregnancy and impacts of motherhood on women. I am keenly aware of these risks and impacts, and how they often run counter to the social narrative that ‘pregnancy is sunshine and roses and all women want to be mothers and its the most fulfilling thing they can do’. My boyfriend is a lovely, caring person so I assume this is at least mostly because society doesn’t encourage men to care, but I am not sure whether this is an addressable topic and if so how to do it.

   1. Do you need to tell him you don’t want kids? Or are you at a stage where you should talk about what having kids would look like in your particular situation? Have you talked about timelines and coming to a firm decision soon?

   2. Agree, to what end? If you need to convey that you don’t want kids, your reasons don’t really matter. Either he will be okay with it or he won’t — I feel if he needs to be convinced of the merits of your position, then you’re probably not a match.

      On the other hand, if you’re wondering whether he will be a truly supportive partner if you do have kids, then that’s a converstion that shoiuld be ongoing.

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