Thursday’s Workwear Report: Libbyly Floral T-Shirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A lot of the most recent Ted Baker collection looks like it was inspired by the most recent season of Bridgerton — whimsical florals and beautiful pastels as far as the eye can see!
It’s not a bad thing but can be a little much for officewear.
If you’re looking to incorporate that vibe, I’m loving this fitted tee for layering under sweaters and blazers. Pair it with a dark blazer and jeans for a more casual office or wear under a full suit for something more formal.
The tee is $90 at Nordstrom and comes in Ted Baker sizes 0-5, which is roughly equivalent to US 0-12.
Psst: Looking for more T-shirts with fun but professional prints for 2024? Some classic brands to check include Ted Baker, Lilly Pulitzer, Boden, and The Kit. These may be on the more casual side, but also look at Sanctuary, Caslon, and Tommy Bahama.
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Is long term insurance something everyone should have or is it kind of like annuities where 90% of the options are scams? I don’t have anything offered through mine or my husband’s work. Late 40s, 2 kids, low 7 figures in savings.
I wouldn’t go without it, but I’ve also always had it offered through my job for not very much money. In my household we’d be SOL if one of us were out of the workforce long term.
Never mind, I thought you were asking about long term disability.
Long term care or long term disability? For #2, I supplement what work provides since I started working. It was more expensive than life insurance but hasn’t escalated like LI has.
We have been paying into LTC insurance through my husband’s employer since our early 30s and I question the value. By the time we make a claim we will have paid in a ton of money that we could have saved and I’m not sure the company will even be in business at that point. I also suspect that it will be very hard to get claims approved, and that by the time we make a claim the insurance company will have established a “network” of inferior low-cost providers we will be obliged to use. Some relatives in their early 60s just bought a policy on the private market and it was eye-poppingly expensive. I think people buy it because they don’t want to have to spend down all their assets and then go to a crummy Medicaid nursing home. If my husband were more rational about financial decision-making I would be doing some serious analysis right now and considering dropping our policies in favor of saving.
On the other hand, LTD is a non-negotiable for me.
My parents spend thousands, maybe well into the low 6 figures on premiums for LTC they never used. They were generally financially savvy and had the capability to self-finance care even back in the 1990s when they got their policies, so I’m not sure how they got talked into buying it. They thought they were doing the responsible thing to preserve savings/inheritances. My father died without claiming LTC and my mother dropped hers and will self-pay if necessary. My theory is a few claimants hit the jackpot with LTC, especially with group plans that have no underwriting, while most others don’t benefit much, if at all.
But that’s all insurance, isn’t it? I work for a medical malpractice carrier. Most doctors never need us. I pay for car insurance but hope I never have an accident.
Yeah but the cost-benefit calculus is different for different types of insurance depending on the pricing and benefits. If LTC insurance is so expensive that you pay into it nearly as much as you could ever hope to claim, it seems like self-insuring is a better investment.
I think the policies vary a lot, and you need a trusted advisor to steer you to a good one. My parents got a LTC policy through their financial advisor. When my mom died without using the benefit, it paid out a low 5-figure amount. Dad sees it as a way to protect the estate. He’s 80 now and (knock wood) really healthy.
OP here – we don’t have LTD either! When we looked it was very expensive (like $500 a month) but I worried they would tell me that I wasn’t disabled if I could type by like blowing into a tube or something.
Look into Own Occupation disability policies. I have one as a physician. If I can’t do MY job as an MD it will pay out.
With telemedicine as an option, I don’t think they’d ever pay out. I didn’t have it. MD here too.
I get that there can be levels of long-term care before nursing homes, but google life expectancy for people who enter nursing homes. It is measured in months, not years. As for not depleting assets that could be used for inheritance, I think my assets’ first job is to provide for me during my lifetime. If there is anything left over after I’ve set my children up with paid-for college, cars and all the trappings of an upper middle-class start to life, fine; but the whole point of accumulating assets during my working life is to provide during my non-working life. So, no, I do not expect to buy LTC insurance.
+1. Plus, as we talk about here a lot, you can’t count on an inheritance. My children will hopefully be over 50 by the time I pass, and should have saved the bulk of their retirement savings by then.
My FIL (71) worked for a long term care insurer before retiring, so he has it. My husband and I (37) never bought it, because we don’t think any plans will be financially solvent by the time we need it (which my FIL agrees with). We both are maxed out on short and long term disability coverage, through work and supplemental.
My mom and her siblings bought policies for my grandparents, who didn’t have assets to speak of. It’s been useful in their case because both have needed specialized nursing home care (grandfather died at 90, grandmother is 92 and living in memory care). But I don’t know that it’s right for every situation.
I bought LTC insurance when I started a job where it was offered with no physical. Six years later they changed the options so that you could pay double for the same amount of coverage or stop with a guarantee to pay out what you paid in. And the employer was no longer offering it and I am not sure about whether the insurance company is either. I cancelled and now my husband and I each have about $10k in LTC insurance. LOL. Fewer companies are offering and the viability is questionable. Plus, it is more of a way to save than actual insurance (limited years of payouts and amounts). There are better ways to save for possible long-term care.
Because of long term care insurance, my father was able to be cared for at home when he was struck with cancer at a sadly young age. My in-laws did not have it, and at the end their residential care was more than $10k per month. I can’t recommend any particular carrier but in concept, it’s a great thing.
I looked into it a while ago and it made far more economic sense for me to self-insure.
I’m unable to buy long term disability due to my own health history. I had it through my employer but when I was laid off and now work for myself, it’s not available to me. Which is fine because as one should, my savings have grown to where I’d be ok not working. It would have been a big problem when my kids were little, so I bought all the employer coverage I could.
Long term care insurance hasn’t really been put to the test yet, IMO, as an insurance professional. The older baby boomers were too old to buy it when it started becoming mainstream. I’m an older Gen X and several friends bought it, but we’ll see if the insurers stay afloat as they start experiencing large waves of older policyholders. (Older than me)
I need a new black soft jacket. I love one at ba&sh but it is spendy and a lot of them are just viscose this time of year (I prefer merino or wool blends). Is it that much better than JCrew or JCrew factory or Boden? Where else should I be looking?
I think for wool you should be looking in the southern hemisphere, on resale sites, or waiting until fall.
I don’t know what I’m missing here, but every single piece (4-5 total) I’ve bought at Boden has been a disappointment. I know it’s popular but it never works for me and the fabrics seem to get so wrinkly and cheap-feeling compared to other brands. Maybe you’re better off splurging on the brand you like but secondhand?
I agree about Boden. The cuts and fabrics just look cheap and dowdy.
Even for things like cotton t-shirts – I buy one from LL Bean and it washes and dries perfectly and looks flattering, whereas Boden shrinks in inconsistent places and is wrinkled to death and all at a higher price. I kept trying it because the catalog is so cute but nope.
Check out the big department stores. Saks/Nordstrom have many of their heavier suiting pieces on deep clearance.
Good Morning!
I am buying myself this watch for my fortieth birthday: https://www.fossil.com/de-de/products/uhr-modern-sophisticate-multifunktionswerk-edelstahl-bicolor/BQ3913.html
It can be engraved for free – 3 lines, 11, 13 and 11 characters. Anyone have any ideas for some motto or quote to get me through the next 40 years? I am thinking maybe “4ever y0ung” or “The best is yet to come”?
I think I’d go ahead and spell out “forever” if going with that one because there is space. Maybe “the time is now” as another option.
Oh thanks, I love the time is now! The 4-ever was an attempt to include “40” (the 4 in 4ever and the 0 on y0ung) but maybe a little too young then :-D
LOVE “the time is now” – i’d probably put “is” and “now” on their own lines.
The time is now is my horrid tech company’s mantra. I’d personally cringe if I saw that on my own wrist, but also, I hate it here.
Breathe in, breathe out, move on.
(It’s from a Jimmy Buffett song)
That sounds to me like a message of endurance rather than optimism. I like something more like “the best is yet to be.”
Are there any song lyrics that are particularly meaningful to you?
Yes – I love the lyrics from “Shake it off” by Florence and the Machine, for example, will think about something from that! Thanks!
I also liked “No power in the ‘verse can stop me” from the series Firefly…
Shiny!
I love that your gift to yourself! I might even steal for my birthday this fall…
I love Vienna by Billy Joel and would strongly consider
“slow down you crazy child”
Another idea – the Ram Dass quote – “Be Here Now”
I live in Vienna and do not know this song so I’ll have to check it out!!! Thank you!
omg its my FAVORITE! DH got me tickets to see Billy Joel last year and I was so so happy when he performed the song in concert. I hope you love it too. There are some good covers of it by women too which I also love.
Oooh, Vienna is such a good idea! Would “You can afford to lose a day or two” fit?
Ooh, this is my jam. I’ve been collecting quotes that are meaningful to me for a long time, here are some from my collection you might enjoy or be able to truncate for your purposes:
“Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so” – Douglas Adams
“There are years that ask questions and years that answer” – Zora Neale Hurston
“In war with time, for love of you” – Shakespeare, Sonnet #15
“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well” – Julian of Norwich
“Nothing kills like a life you didn’t live” – Chris Ferreiras
“Omnia mutantur, nihil interit” – Ovid (Everything changes but nothing is lost)
“Not today nor yet tomorrow can complete a perfect age” – Sarah Williams
“There are moments I know I will long for even as I live them” – Judith Katzir
“Love did no more begin than it will end” – e. e. cummings
“Though we cannot make our sun stand still, yet we will make him run” – Andrew Marvell
“And for myself, my own worth do define” – Shakespeare, Sonnet #62
“Life, though it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me and I will defend it” – Mary Shelley
“There isn’t any such thing as ordinary life” – Lucy Maud Montgomery
“I withhold not my heart from any joy” – Ecclesiastes 2:10-11
“Forever is composed of nows” – Emily Dickinson
“I will write my story for my better self” – Elizabeth Barrett Browning
I would totally choose one of these. They’re all great.
Oh thank you so much! So many good ones here!
Oh, Julian of Norwich! Hello, fellow English major.
In another life! (I just really like Madeleine L’Engle, who cited Julian often.
This is a fun prompt! I immediately thought of carpe diem/memento mori. Seize the day because death comes for us all.
There’s a song by Lissie called “Best Days” and part of the chorus is “I want more best days.” It’s also a great song so even if that quote doesn’t work you should check it out.
“It doesn’t get any better than this” It’s the joy of the moment. It’s from one of my favorite poems by Louis Jenkins. It’s not the same memory described that makes me feel this way, but I love the spirit. Something mundane one moment makes you later realize that living life is joy. And it gives me peace to know a life well lived when I think of aging while acknowledging a bit of the sadness of aging as well.
The Big Bang
When the morning comes that you don’t wake up,
what remains of your life goes on as some kind of
electromagnetic energy. There’s a slight chance you
might appear on someone’s screen as a dot. Face it.
You are a blip or a ping, part of the background noise,
the residue of the Big Bang. You remember the Big
Bang, don’t you? You were about 26 years old, driving
a brand new red and white Chevy convertible, with
that beautiful blond girl at your side. Charlene, was
her name. You had a case of beer on ice in the back,
cruising down Highway number 7 on a summer
afternoon and then you parked near Loon Lake just
as the moon began to rise. Way back then you said to
yourself, “Boy, it doesn’t get any better than this,” and
you were right.
Oh, I love that. Thank you for sharing.
I’m no help — years ago when I got an iPad that came with free engraving, I copied the text from the ad: “Your Engraving Goes Here.”
hahahaha that is actually really legit.
nolite te bastardes carborundorum (Handmaids Tale)
depiction is not endorsement
the horrors persist but so do I
age is an honor, it’s still not the truth (Vampire Weekend)
I once received an unexpected present with the inscription
“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
This seems like I should know it but if I have a high schooler, would this summer be a good time to do a college tour of colleges in places we may be traveling through? I have a sophomore and just worry that with caring for 3 aging and 1 very ill parents / ILs, we may not be able to do this as much later. But is summer just a bad time to do that? Or it at least gives kiddo an idea (is Ohio State just too big? Muhlenburg just too small? That sort of thing?). The day care summers seem so simple in retrospect.
You have identified the pros and cons, ultimately you make a decision that works for you. My son and I have been running around the last few weeks because i would like him to see the schools with students but depending on where your child is looking there are plenty of campuses that are reasonably active during the summer.
Where is your home base? We are in the Boston area and even in late middle school I’ve taken to wandering around campuses with my kids just to get a feel for things- city vs suburban, campuses vs the city, etc. my oldest is 13 and knows NOW that schools like BC are “too churchy” and she likes the general vibe of Wellesley but “probably with boys” and urban schools like BU and Northeastern aren’t appealing for ugrad. She also knows she doesn’t want to go to school in MA but it helps to know what she likes/doesn’t like.
Interesting. I’ve had friends at BC and BU and cannot distinguish in my mind (have never visited; ruled out on weather and cost).
I went to BC and it’s old stone gothic, very Harry Potter-esque. It’s an enclosed college campus. I think it’s gorgeous and loved the campus when I visited causally, before an official tour. BU is buildings literally along the streets of Boston, and tall/skyscraper-y dorms
Which is the one that Mark Zuckerburg made fun of his GF going to in The Social Network?
[The kids I know best go to Northeastern, so I know nothing really.]
Northeastern and BU have a similar built-into-the-city vibe.
BC has a big campus filled with gothic churches and statues.
BU is built into the city, all high rises. Overflow housing is in hotels, you can see Fenway from your classes, etc.
BC and BU are often similarly ranked and obviously have similar names. BC is in a tony suburb of Boston, accessible by the T. BU is a very urban campus, much high rises (some people live in stunning brownstones that are campus owned). In either case, Boston is a fun place to go to college, but…oyee, it was a very cold place to go to grad school. I don’t miss it, other than the week when it’s stunning in fall, and this week, in late April/May, when the Public Garden and Back Bay are awash in spring flowers. I was in Boston for five years.
Re college tours–it was eye-opening to me to understand I wanted an enclosed campus for college, and not an urban campus. I also was a West-Coaster and was very taken by gothic/East Coast architecture. And then I ended up staying on the West Coast anyway, because if you get into Stanford, you go.
If you’re in the area, take the tour. It will help to narrow down options. There is also something to be learned from just going with your gut, and some of that just requires figuring out which schools give your kid a good gut feeling and which ones do not.
Yes, sounds like a good plan. It will help him start to identify things he likes/doesn’t about colleges, and at the very least get him start thinking more seriously about the process and visualizing himself on a campus.
My mom took me on a tour road trip summer going into junior year since I played a spring sport. My brother was a fall/winter athlete so my parents took him on a tour road trip spring break his junior year. We also toured a few local schools (I grew up in Philly so there are lots of schools) on random weekends. Senior year we toured schools that I was specifically interested in on weekends. I visited my college in September and loved it so applied and was accepted ED, so I didn’t need to visit schools to decide senior spring.
Our road trips went to different areas but she took us to a wide variety of schools; big, medium, small, city, rural, suburban, public, private, liberal arts, flagship R1 schools. I don’t think I even applied to a single school I toured, but it really helped me narrow down what I wanted. My mom is from VA so we combined it with a trip to visit family and friends and toured UVA, Tech, William and Mary, Washington and Lee, Richmond, Roanoke College, Georgetown, GW, and Maryland.
Of the schools I visited I liked W&M the best and ended up at a similar-ish school (roughly same size and setting and similarly ranked academically, but probably more fun… or at least I had a lot of fun in college and I know that W&M is not known for being particularly fun)
Ha! I am not from VA and spent high school dreaming of it based on . . . riding by the college in a car one summer. But I felt it in my soul in a way that worked out as not just a goal but motivated me to do my best because I was told by some random person that it was hard to get into. I got in and had a great 4 years there and still trek back for homecoming and just to visit and am an active alumna in my city (not VA but east coast).
Once my kids were in high school, every time we were near a college campus, we drove around it, usually parked and walked around. We didn’t sign up for a lot of official tours. We just checked out the campus. My kids ended up at schools we’d done that for. We live in CA where you can’t throw a stick without hitting a college, so it was no hardship. Most of our family vacations are roadtrips anyway.
We did make two special longer road trips specifically to check out some farther away campuses. Those both turned into really enjoyable family getaways.
You should sign up for official tours. Admissions offices do look at this and consider it an indicator of interest.
I thought schools were moving away from this as it favors people with money.
It is very much a thing. You need to show engagement or you will be wait-listed, even at mid-ranked schools. They are gaming yield rates to boost their rankings.
Both my kids are in the colleges they wanted to go to right now. There’s no we “should”
My parents starting adding a college tour to trips when I was in middle school. Many of them were schools I never would consider and they were often during the summer, but it gave me an idea of what college campuses were like. I would add one or two, but not make it the focus on the trip
I was a campus tour guide in college. If it’s convenient to do a tour, it doesn’t hurt to tour in the Summer. When I gave tours, it was pretty common for prospective students & families to visit more than once. So hypothetically, maybe they toured in the Summer (when the campus is more quiet), narrowed down the school was a top pick, and then came back for another tour in the Fall or Spring to see what it’s like when it’s more busy.
My university had some specialized visit days during regular semesters that seemed convenient if your kid also knows what field they’d like to study (ex. STEM focus, Liberal Arts focus, etc.). Those days had more department presentations and other activities lined up than a typical tour day. So if your kid does decide after a Summer tour the college seemed like a good fit. Then it would give you some time to plan a future visit down the road.
No, not a bad time. I did all my college visits as part of summer road trips and had no trouble quickly identifying my favorite vibe (integrated urban campus, more like BU of your example). We also visited Big 10 schools, more manicured / suburban schools, etc.
Vibes are important. What I’d be OK with for a graduate program (urban, mixed into a city) could be wildly different than for undergrad.
Summer has a different campus vibe, but I think worth dropping in some visits since you know it may be difficult to do at another time. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
As an anecdotal point, I visited 3 schools on the east coast because we were passing through on the way to visit family, and even the very brief visits were helpful – I realized very quickly I didn’t like the “distributed campus throughout a city” feel of one, and I fell in love with one that was primarily on the list because they were offering a very generous scholarship (the engineering students still on campus for summer research were actually happy!). I ended up going there and it was a great fit
Help! I’m starting a new role and will be going into the office. This a senior role and the goal is for me to establish a good working relationship with the c suite, so I want to look polished. All of my office clothes are from 2019 or prior, so they are a bit dated, a but junior looking, and a bit tight because I put on weight during the pandemic and then pregnancy.
Where would you go to start a classic work wardrobe from scratch these days? I’m 34, a size 8, pretty conservative corporate job. I like to invest in quality pieces but don’t have millions to rebuild a full wardrobe either, although I will be getting a better salary once I start the new gig which will help.
Big Law partner. I feel like JCrew factory has many solid choices. If things fit you well, they can be more basic. Get some good shoes. Banana Republic is also where I get a lot because they have a broader size range, especially if you need a petite jacket. I wish that I had more options and I keep looking for the same reasons but keep circling back after yet another round of failing.
J Crew Factory is not where I’d go for quality.
I’ve gotten some great work pieces there after trying everywhere else. And their stuff is washable. You can try on in many cities and the basics are solid. She wants a starter pack not heirloom pieces.
Disagree–yes, they have some cheap-ish fabrics, but their button-downs, work tops, and many of their pants are exactly similar quality to “real” JCrew.
However, I would skew toward “older” brands if you want to convey gravitas. Other wasys to convey this are to wear sedate neutrals (no fun prints), and to skew toward timeless classic cuts (so avoid super-trendy looks). Also, good quality shoes that are not too trendy are also a way to convey gravitas. This doesn’t mean heels per se–just stuff that’s not, for instance, super casual like peep toes, or cutouts or pleather.
OP–I get nearly all of my pants at Old Navy (pixies–I rotate them out when they get faded). I pair those pants with timeless tops, keep things neutral, and keep jewelry not too trendy. I get compliments all the time on my wardrobe.
When I was in a similar situation (fall of 2022) this is what I did. YMMV.
I went to Uniqlo to buy two pairs of black pants (one wide leg, one straight ankle length). I then went to a consignment store to get a few blazers. I eventually added a few blazers from BRF. I basically wore a uniform of blacks pants + black shell + blazer (swapping out the shell and blazer for a v neck sweater on Fridays) for the first month. Not the most original, but I felt polished and professional.
TLDR: Uniqlo for pants, BRF for tops, and consignment shops are awesome.
Uniqlo is a great suggestion. I got this season’s Smart Ankle Pants (2 Way Stretch) and they are very nice quality. They’re a trouser cut with a slight taper, and sit at my natural waist. The inseam is 28″ so, if you’re short they’re not even above the ankle. They have a stretch back waist band that’s not obvious, so comfy but no topper required to cover visible elastic. Highly recommend.
Talbots.
And also Talbots in the fall. They may be the only seller of good wool suiting pants that are lined (other than eBay and posh). Their Fall offerings are more typical workwear in traditional fabrics and darker colors.
I second Talbots and online mostly. Their vibe can definitely skew coastal grandma on a lot of things, but they generally have solid workwear. Also, wherever you shop, consider getting things tailored to fit perfectly.
Start with one or two more formal looks that you can hopefully mix and match. You might find that your day to day is not business formal. Trousers worn with a non-matching blazer is a more modern look than a cookie-cutter skirt suit.
Do you need formal (suits) or professional business (separates, dress pants, nice shirts, blouses, etc.)? Assuming not suits, I would start with three to four pairs of good dress pants. BR factory is generally reliable for dress pants. Spend your money on the tops. I generally tend towards silk tops (mostly bought on sale) – L’Argence has had some great interesting details lately, plus they reliably go on sale. You can also check the house brands for Saks/Neimans for basic (stalk until on sale). Alice + Olivia is really hit or miss, but can be good for some not neutral tops, same with Joie, Rails, Ganni, etc. Bella Dahl is a favorite for slightly elevated T-shirts, casual button downs. But, all of this is to say, happy hunting in the end of season sales racks right now for some good tops.
These are all good suggestions. I still wear silk tops I got on sale from these brands 10+ years ago. I used to have to scour ebay and tj maxx in fancy neighborhoods, but now I can just go to any department store’s website.
I tried cheaper brands like Jcrew/Everlane and they’re noticeably poor quality and very thin silks. I would personally avoid the mall brands recommended here. I love feeling a little fancy at work.
I went through something similar recently and got clothes at White House Black Market, Ann Taylor (lots of nice bow blouses there), J. Crew, and actually Belk (DKNY and Calvin Klein brands). I also got Spanx pants.
I’d start with Talbots, Brooks Brothers, and Nordstrom. Talbots/Brooks Brothers for foundational suiting/blazers, and Nordstrom for ‘interesting’ blouses/blazers. I’m in a very conservative industry and the senior women mostly wear dresses plus a blazer or pants with a blouse/blazer, full suits are pretty rate. I’d pick a ‘base’ color (black, blue, grey) for your suiting basics (two pairs of pants, one skirt, two dresses) and coordinating colors for your blouses and blazers.
My personal formula – black, navy, army green (one each in pants and skirts), and jewel tones for tops/blazers. I also buy just about every long sleeved suiting dress I can find, they’re hard to find but make my life SO much easier on trips.
I’m a shareholder at a mid-sized law firm. For my general business casual clothes for day to day, I do a mixture of Jcrew (and factory, which I think has some nice blazers), banana, and nordstrom contemporary lines (i.e. VB, Theory, Vince, Eileen Fisher, Frame, etc.).
I also need clothes for a few other situations – most notably for when I conduct training on site with clients (I go for pieces that are less trendy, more classic, and not notably expensive), and for when I give presentations at conferences, board meetings, etc. (I go for brighter colors and memorable pieces). Also, I love to wear heels, but never do so when training (too much time on my feet), so need pants that work with flats too. So, it may be worth thinking through where you might find yourself in your new job, and what you’d want to be wearing in those situations.
+1, this list feels more current to me. I also like Elie Tahari and silk tops from Amour Vert.
There’s a couple ways to go here:
A work “uniform” or “formula” meaning you find proportions and separates that work for you and buy the highest quality version you can stomach. For example, if your formula is “cropped ankle pants + a v neck merino sweater + loafers” you buy the Veronica Beard sweater and the Tibi loafers, or similar.
A capsule wardrobe from a single or couple brands you trust + know. Ann Taylor is a go-to standby for a reason. They often have mix and match capsules where you can get multiple suiting items in the same fabric/color and have a little just add water set. I’d go with a skirt, pants, and blazer (and maybe dress) all in one color, a couple pretty printed shells or blouses that coordinate, a sweater or two, and then consider another “set” in another color. I’d also consider one in 3-season wool and one in a lighter fabric for summer since we’re getting into that season.
Serious jewelry: find some elegant statement pieces that are not dainty. There’s nothing wrong with dainty pieces, but those feel very…youthful to me, and don’t indicate “I’m in charge” or “I’m confident”. Go bold but striking/abstract, think art pieces and OOAK items here.
One thing I notice about higher level employees that feel well dressed is not so much flashy fashionable clothing but their “edges” –their nails, purse, shoes, makeup, hair, etc. It’s almost harder to get that stuff “right” every day or close to it–I personally find this type of thing a bigger challenge as I don’t like it as much as making cute outfits. I would find a really good hairstylist and get a fresh cut and color, refresh your makeup capsule with some up to date formulas and options (i.e. if you’ve been using Physician’s Formula or Neutrogena, step it up to Nars or Fenty), invest in some higher-end shoes, and consider getting a very nice daily driver purse.
Talbots for everyday and MM Lafleur for suiting and high-end pieces.
I had to rebuild a work wardrobe from scratch in the last two years due to a major body change. I’m a partner at an AmLaw100 firm and I try cases. Here’s what worked for me. ALL of this has been online because no one carries business clothes in stores anymore (at least not in CA, where I am).
1) Ann Taylor. Really reliable. I appreciate how many options they have. I will say that some of their washable suiting has not held up at all, though. I also like their blazers. The Ann Taylor factory store has a good selection of business separates as well.
2) Talbots. The best thing about Talbots is that the quality is still pretty high. They also have a really wide range. You have to be careful because some of their styles veer into frump, but they have well-made business basics.
3) J.Crew. I like my J.Crew stuff, including the suits, but like the Ann Taylor washable suits, the J.Crew suits also aren’t holding up – the fabric is starting to look really tired.
4) MM LaFleur. This is my best recommendation, because I think the quality-to-price-point is really strong and their cuts are great on me. Many of their dresses are too short or too sleeveless for my preferences, but I’m in love with their suiting and some of their dresses are great.
5) Theory. I find that it’s cut for a straight up-and-down figure, which is not me, but when I can find pieces that work, I really like them.
6) L’Agence. I like for statement pieces.
7) Banana Republic and BR Factory – neither have worked for me, though I keep trying!
8) At Nordstrom, their Halogen brand is reliably good for reasonably priced workwear.
What are your favorite healthy convenience foods? I’m in the beginning of a ~2 month period in which I’m not really home for more than a few days in a row. In the summer I’m lucky to split time between my apartment in the city and a family lake house and I also have a bit of work and personal travel. I had a busy work period in the winter during which I put on ~15 lbs from eating unhealthy convenience foods and ignoring my workouts, so I’m looking to make better choices this go round. I’m currently in the process of losing that extra weight (my clothes don’t fit!). Luckily lake life is very active so I’ll at least be working out more!
Here are some meals I’m planning on to stay healthy but always open to more ideas:
– smoothies (frozen fruit + greens , yogurt, high protein milk, and protein powder)
– yogurt or oatmeal with fruit, chia seeds and protein powder
– I work near a Sweetgreen so on in office days I’ll probably do that for lunch to ensure I’m getting a few servings of veggies
– chickpea pasta + sauce + frozen turkey meatballs. I don’t love the lack of veggies here. Unfortunately I don’t like spinach which is probably the easiest add in.
– I don’t love it but I’ll probably rely on the healthier frozen meals a bit too.
One thing I struggle is eating enough fruit and veggies when I’m so back and forth. I normally try to eat high protein and pretty “clean” with lots of produce and whole grains, but struggle doing so when life is hectic.
I’m lucky enough to live a few blocks from Whole Foods and Trader Joes and I also have pretty easy access to a Costco to stock up on healthy options for both the city and the lake. Though, my city fridge Is apartment sized so I don’t have much frozen storage in the city.
I like getting a salad kit from Trader Joe’s and topping it with one of their pre-cooked chicken options (lemon pepper or just grilled). Or one of their blends of pre-cut veggies, plus pre-cooked chicken, frozen rice in the microwave, plus whatever sauce sounds good (I like their thai red curry sauce). Or their cauliflower rice stirfry with some sriracha, soy sauce and ground chicken. Or mirepoix mix with ground meat, taco seasoning, cheese, and beans for a lazy chili.
I like to buy the 4-pack cups of green beans (near the canned veggies) and heat one up when I want to add a vegetable to a meal. You can add corn or carrots this way as well.
I love roasted broccoli as a side with pasta and meatballs.
Me too, but honestly, when you are busy you want to eat so fast… I often leave the roasting for weekend/leisure days.
But I steam the broccoli in the microwave in 2 or 3 minutes and top with butter/salt or whatever and it is still healthy. And fast.
I buy frozen organic meatballs and Applegate chicken tenders. I would describe them both as more “serviceable” than delicious but they make for quick proteins for dinner.
Here’s what carried me during a tough period
Store bought easy items: frozen veggies, pre-cooked lentils, microwave rice/quinoa bowls, bagged/boxed salad, rotisserie chicken, frozen fish fillets, pickles, kimchi, sauerkraut.
Prepped items:
lentil & veggie ragu- cook down cups of carrots, celery, onions and celery to serve as a veggie base to a red sauce. Add extra water and cook in lentils- this freezes great and works well over pasta, rice bowl, or within a wrap.
egg bake- chop up or use frozen veg and cook the liquids out, add eggs and dairy if choosing and bake until done. I chop these up into squares and either eat them alone or on top of a bowl of greens.
Some honest feedback: make sure you’re actually getting enough calories with the meals you plan. The above looks very calorie restricted and, from personal experience, if I try to go super healthy with every meal, I get ravenous and then eat the unhealthy convenience foods in the evening because I just haven’t eaten enough earlier in the day. I have much better luck eating a full lunch and then a light dinner if the goal is weight loss.
Apart from that, my recommendation is to stock your fridge and kitchen with veggies and proteins that last a while. Raw carrots, pickled beets, olives, white beans in olive oil, sauerkraut or kimchi are all good options. Canned fish is really having a moment, so add some cans of tuna and salmon to your pantry. Eggs are good for weeks in the fridge, so I would keep a carton of those available too.
When it is really hectic, I go harm reduction and embrace the microwave – prepared moods from Whole Foods, the burrito bowl from Costco, Costco stuffed red peppers + kale salad.
Kale is easy to add to pasta sauce—I take out the center hard rib thing and shred the leafy parts and then add to the sauce. It wilts down like spinach does.
I’ll also add frozen broccoli to boxed Mac and cheese—add the broccoli during the last couple minutes the pasta is boiling and then drain together. It’s not the fanciest dinner out there but adds a bit more nutrition than just max and cheese.
For the lake, frozen vegetables now come in bags you can just throw in the microwave. Veggie trays are also a good option since you can keep in the fridge for snacking, and you don’t have to prep.
For super a convenient dinner option, if there’s a Chipotle nearby, get a burrito or bowl with double meat, the dairy, vegetables, and salsas, and time your dinner around 4:30/5 and save the leftovers for a partial next-day lunch.
What does timing your dinner have to do with this? Genuinely curious
She mentioned her clothes didn’t fit! Ending the eating period a few hours before bed can help her efforts on that front.
Did your parents pay for your college education? Do you plan to do the same for your kid(s)? How many kids do you have?
Curious how people are thinking about it.
For us, DH’s parents paid cash, and he went to Duke. I went to a fancy private SLAC and My parents had me take out the max I could in my name, which ended up being something like $20-25k. They paid for the rest through savings and loans. I turned down a full ride at my very decent state U (think like, U Maryland) for a school like Davidson at full freight.
We have 3 kids and are saving heavily to be able to pay for wherever they want to go (within reason…meaning if we have a kid that can get into a top private school we’d pay for it, not that we’d necessarily pay for anywhere in the world their heart desires ;)). I think we will probably land on paying for state school out of pocket, bank rolling some of it, and taking out loans (maybe) for the remainder IF they all want to go to private school for 4 years. If any one of them goes to state school or somewhere on a merit scholarship we could probably do 2 private tuitions. We will probably have them take out some nominal loans because I truely felt like I valued my education more knowing I was on the hook for some of it.
There is also a potential that our family will inherit money from DH’s parents, and if that’s the case we will use it for college and if we end up with grandkids we will want to use some of that money for their education. That’s a “maybe” situation so we aren’t assuming anything.
Husband had full financial aid and loans and zero parental support (immigration situation). I had a college fund from my grandparents that covered two years of private and my parents paid about $10k per year on top of that. The rest was loans.
We’d both like to pay for as much as we can (pregnant with our planned one). However, the cost of private is so laughable right now that I’m kind of waiting for a crash.
Also, I should add that it’s not likely we’ll get any inheritance from my parents (I’m worried they’re outspending their money – worried for them, not me) but I’m the sole heir for an aunt’s house and estate. I want her to live to 100 and do everything she wants to do in life (she’s amazing), but realistically there will probably be enough to pay for school.
My parents paid full tuition. They made a lot more than I do and college (even adjusted for inflation) was a LOT cheaper back then. Soon to be ex-DH is in a low-paying but prestigious job in a rural area, which nuked my own job prospects. So we will do what we can, which won’t be a lot. (Yes, he should leave his job. Had he been the type to understand that he’s basically torpedoing our family with his prestigious but crap-paying job, we might have stood a chance.)
IDK college is so so expensive now. I prefer that my kids work for money in the summer and pay for their spending. I get skin in the game but if they don’t have it for what it costs (and it’s their future not mine), IDK that a few thousand moves the needle. I worked as an RA for room and board FEIW but it was also a line in my resume vs debt.
Earning her own spending money is how we are asking our daughter to put skin in the game. We can’t give her all the advantages in life that rich parents give their kids (cash to buy homes in HCOL areas, connections for prestigious internships, an Ivy League degree) but we can afford to start her out in life without debt and it seems like the right thing to do.
Yes and yes. Currently planning to help if any grandbabies appear.
My parents paid cash for myself and my sibling, and then half of grad school for me (scholarship) and all of it for her. They did immigrate to the US, but one is a doctor and the other high up at a company now. Stock options helped a lot, which is an interesting thing to think about now that getting good stock options seems less common.
I’m not married and don’t have kids but I would like to pay for my kids college.
GI Bill for undergrad, federal fellowship for masters, 20 years apart.
My parents, while college educated themselves, were not helpful in navigating post-high-school life.
I attended an in-state public university (my state’s flagship). I qualified for a lotto-funded scholarship that covered tuition & fees. My parents covered housing & other costs, including when I lived in a dorm, sorority house and then apartment. For the last 2 years, I had a part-time job that basically covered beer money.
I didn’t realize or appreciate at the time (20 years ago) what a gift this was. I’d love to do the same for my kid (she’s 4), but who knows what college will look like when the time comes. We have a college fund for her that we occasionally put money in. My parents have hinted they have some money put away, but I’m not banking on it. Basically – we’ll do what we can to help, but nothing guaranteed.
We’re saving enough to pay for any tuition and room/board at any school in our very good-state university system. If they decide to attend a more expensive school, we will help to the extent we can without compromising our retirement savings. We should be mortgage-free by the time our youngest graduates from high school, so we should be able to help a good bit. Both kids inherited about 150k from my grandparents a few years ago (in trust). That will likely grow a good bit for the younger kid (5), and some for the older (10). Our goal is for them not to have to dip into that for their undergraduate education though.
We do not anticipate any other inheritance.
I agree with kids taking out minor loans so they have some skin in the game.
My undergrad was paid for by a combination of lots of financial aid, scholarships and grants, parental contributions and loans. I grew up in a blue collar family which got me lots of aid. I graduated from a fancy private school with ~30k in loans in 2017. I paid them off by the time I was 25; I lived at home my first year out of school, had no expenses and so almost all of my income went to paying down loans.
I paid for my Masters completely out of pocket, working full time and going part time. I often had to take a semester or two off to save up for the next semesters tuition. I also purposely chose the cheapest option in my area. I did not enjoy my experience in grad school and don’t think I got a great education, but I promoted faster at my job because I had a Masters.
My brother did community college then transferred to a local school where he got very generous aid. He paid his way through school and lived at home and worked the whole time, and was able to graduate debt free.
No kids yet but I a) hope that the cluster that is college costs has resolved in some way before I have college age kids and b) plan on paying as much as I can but also would plan on having my kids take out minimal (10k or so) in loans so that they have skin in the game.
I admit that I’m a snob about education (quality of education and post-grad preparation, not ranking or reputation) and there are schools that I would not pay for. My parents were the same way, I was told while looking at colleges what types of places they’d contribute to and what types they wouldn’t.
I’m also open to my future kids pursuing trades, tbd military, or other paths that don’t involve a four year college. In fact, if the college cost crisis doesn’t resolve itself by then I’d recommend this path.
My boyfriend grew up WEALTHY and was deciding between his flagship state U with merit aid and our private university. His parents offered to pay for the public school in full or pay 90% of our private university. He chose the private option so had loans but his siblings all chose public and thus had no loans. A few of our friends are shocked his parents made him contribute even though they had the money, but honestly I get it. Even though they have money and could have paid for either, it’s good to learn that choices home with trade offs and even if you’re rich it’s worth considering the price of things.
My husband got a full ride to Kentucky and choose a SLAC at full fright. His parents offered to split the savings with him 50/50 but he declined.
If he’s from Kentucky and it was a very good SLAC, that’s actually the right choice (as long as the debt isn’t crippling).
He wasn’t, it was full out of state tuition. But I think in the end it was still the right choice, just a hard one to turn down (it was something like $40-50k that he would get in cash).
I don’t think taking out some loans gives kids “skin in the game” in the same way as having to earn and spend money. I paid for college through Pell grants, scholarships, some loans, and work. The loans were always abstract to me until I had to start paying them back. I knew debt was undesirable but I really had no other choice so I just signed on the dotted line and put off thinking about it until graduation. In contrast, money from my job going in and out of my checking account was very concrete.
Paying for college myself did not motivate me to do better; it just made me worry all the time about what would happen if I flunked out or couldn’t get a job at graduation because I had no home to go back to. I think I would have done better if I’d come from a stable home environment with loving parents who paid for college and supported me no matter what.
Congrats on being rich! Love a college tuition humble brag to start the day
You’ll probably feel better if you start collapsing the threads where rich women exist.
LOL seriously.
Given the traction and replies to the OP, this question is relevant to lots of people. Collapse and move on if it’s not relevant to you.
What a weird comment. People that make enough not to qualify for aid, but have 3 kids and only make 250k/year are on the hook for like a million dollars or more in private colleges if they go that route. I feel like lots of readers are in the sort of donut hole between easily writing checks for whatever colleges their kids want and qualifying for any kind of aid.
This. My parents paid for my undergrad, but I only applied to the in state public university. There’s no way my parents would have paid for a private school. I’m one of 6 kids and while my parents made a lot of money, they also saved, lived very frugally and opened 529s. A lot of people make a good salary but not enough to pay for a private school and too much to qualify for aid.
Yeah this. I make in the mid 100s, my ex in the mid 200s, and we are both remarried. Our kid is not qualifying for a penny of aid but can I easily write a check for half a private school tuition a year? Not at all. So I am worrying about saving for college, a lot.
You are on a blog full of lawyers. Do you think we are all poor?
My parents aren’t rich and neither am I, and I posted below to give my perspective. You could do the same if you wanted.
That’s what I like about these threads – there’s always a range of responses.
My parents paid tuition and books at the local state university for undergrad. That left me free to travel/have interesting work experiences in the summers which bolsters an ‘ordinary’ undergrad. For law school, I took loans for tuition and they paid living experiences (set amount, I opted for off campus apartment with two roommates vs studio or grad dorms).
Lived very very frugally the first 5 years after law school and knocked out my loans before having kids/buying house. Would not have been possible if I had undergrad loans or larger law school loans.
Went to fancy SLAC that was “only” $30k-ish during my four years, and had scholarships that covered 2/3…parents paid for the remaining 1/3. Husband went to a “public ivy” on an ROTC scholarship. So, neither of us had student loans from undergrad, although we had ~$80k collectively in law school loans between us.
We’ve been saving for our two kids to have a mostly-funded private college education, but now that my alma mater is something like $75/year (or more?) I just don’t know that I can stomach paying for private even if we have the funds. At this rate it’s going to be $500k to put a kid through private undergrad, and we can’t count on need based aid given our HHI.
I was a full financial aid kid. My financial aid package said my parents’ expected contribution was $500/year. My mom said they couldn’t swing it. So I applied for more hardship aid and got the $500/year in the form of a grant. But about 50% of my total package was loans and I was paying those off until my late 30s.
My husband and I saved in 529s for our kids’ college. We were clear with them from the start that we had saved enough for in-state tuition, room, and board. They could take loans for the rest if they wanted to go private or out of state, or they could try to get merit aid. Both ended up going in-state. I just took the final withdrawal from my older child’s 529 and just paid her final tuition payment.
My younger kid is a junior and it looks like his 529 will hold out until he graduates.
Undergrad was covered with a combination of parents and both my grandmas. Law school paid for by student loans. Looking back, my parents sacrificed a lot to cover my sister and my undergrad and are now in a bad place retirement wise. Dealing with how much we will need to support them, I wish they’d made different choices. So, this is all to say, if you can *really* afford it, go for it. But, be honest with yourself about the true cost.
+ a million. Loans for school are tough but there are no loans at all for retirement.
This! I’d rather have loans than finance my parents retirement. If they have anything left over, then an inheritance can help pay off loans.
I went to Northwestern. I received a small amount of need-based loans (under $10k/year, plus a work study job) and my parents (divorced) paid the rest in cash, with my dad contributing 75% and my mom the other 25%. I graduated with (I think) $25k in debt.
For law school, my dad gave me $15k/year for living expenses. I took out loans for the rest and graduated with $180k in debt (plus the undergrad debt). After 7 years in big law, I paid it all off.
We are planning to pay full freight for whatever schools our daughters get into/want to go to, whether private or public. We are funding their 529s but will probably stop at some point short of the goal because we can easily afford to cash flow tuition and I don’t want to risk overcontributing to a 529.
I assume we will be in a position to assist with grandkids’ tuition, if needed.
Yes, my parents paid full tuition/room/board for three kids to go to private colleges. They didn’t pay for grad school. My husband’s parents were the same. We are targeting being able save the full projected cost of a private 4 year school for our one child (and this is a consideration in having only one child). It’s not all in a 529, so if the cost of college comes down, our kid chooses a public school that’s less money, there is some flexibility. My child is four, so the projected cost (assuming the same rate of increase as we have seen over the past decade plus) means that each year of tuition/room/board is going to be north of $150,000.
I am one of five kids and neither of my parents came from money. They told us early on that there were a couple savings bonds for each of us and we needed to hustle for as many scholarships as we could. I got full tuition at a state school and a few small “books and fees” scholarships but wound up taking out about $25k in loans for housing and everything that wasn’t covered. I worked part-time jobs and my mom paid my rent one month when I messed up my budget.
I’ve been VERY fortunate that my parents are doing well now and have been able to help us out from time to time. They loaned us a few thousand to boost our down payment on a house, and they refinanced my brother’s loans (he went to a private college) to get him much lower payments. It’s sucked paying off loans but I qualify for PSLF so should get the last bit forgiven.
We have two niblings and one on the way – no kids of our own. We’re putting a little bit away for each of them to help.
My family paid for me 100%, DH had loans but we paid them off before we bought our first house (mostly using my pre-marriage savings).
I don’t plan to pay 100% for my kids. The loan amounts kids are allowed to take in their own name are heavily limited these days, but we will cash flow what we can and decide on taking loans in our name on a case by case basis. I don’t think having your parents pay completely for college is a “right”, and it hasn’t factored into how many kids we’ve chosen to have (four). There are different paths that make sense for different kids, hidden gems that give lots of merit aid, etc.
We do put a lump sum into each 529K each year, so each will have a decent amount to work with. But I’m not going to borrow trouble stressing about it, because who know what the cost landscape will look like in 10+ years.
Not “K” lol…I promise I know what I’m talking about
I call it that too sometimes. Easy typo.
My parents paid full freight for their two kids. We also got to keep the remainder of our college fund, which was intended to help us think about value – my sibling chose a more aggressive scholarship because of this. My grandparents also contributed, which was offered at the time we went, not planned in advance. By the time I enrolled, my Ivy League school was meeting full need with scholarships and we probably came out behind by saving. My in-laws paid for some but specifically not all of their kids’ colleges which were ~top 30ish, without scholarships. My parents and grandparents also provided a lot of guidance in the financial aspects of my professional degree, which they did not pay for. My in-laws encouraged pursuit of further degrees (which they did not financially contribute to) but in my mind did not do enough to help their kids think through the debt burden, likely financial outcomes, opportunity costs, and time value of money for those decisions.
We have two and will match my family’s approach, ie pay full freight for their undergrad, if college is in the cards for them. If college is their path, we will encourage them to go to the best school possible, but with an eye to value. I would also happily seed training for a blue collar profession if college is not the right path. The opportunities that I and my friends have had in our mid-30s to take career risks, buy houses, etc since we didn’t have loans is markedly different than my husband’s social circle where loans were much more common and we would like to help our kids be able to take advantage of those types of opportunities in young adulthood.
We were fairly middle class and my parents actively lived very lean to save for those opportunities. We took ~3-4 short domestic flying vacations over the course of my childhood, my parents drove very old cars, we lived in an older and smaller home, and just generally saved very aggressively. I’m also from the Northeast where that mindset was very common: most of my friends from home also had one professionally-employed but mid-level or lower parent and one part time or lower income parent (think teacher or part time public employee) but also had college fully paid for. Very millionaire next door style families; I think I have consistently out earned my parents since I was ~24 or 25. I was stunned when I got to school and suddenly had classmates who were on financial aid who traveled out of the country every 1-2 years, had high end clothing, new cars, parents with senior level careers etc.
The greatest irony in all of this is that tuition at daycare in our HCOL area is pretty close to private college tuition, but without 18 years to save.
UGH, you are so right re: the cost of daycare vs. cost of college. We are paying almost what my parents paid per year for private university. It’s mind-boggling.
I paid for my own, to the extent that it was not covered by grants. I paid for my kids, so they don’t have any undergrad debt.
My parents paid for both undergrad and law school. I’m in Canada and it was significantly cheaper than the US. I did get various jobs for extras, but my tuition, rent and basic groceries were paid for. I’m saving to do the same for my kids, but if they get into Harvard or something they will need to go into debt.
my parents paid full tuition for college and law school. we’ve been saving the max we could for each kid since they were born, at least in terms of deductions (not in terms of gift limits). I’m hoping we can pay for both if they go but we’ll see. It’s a big question whether my youngest will go to college, but will probably require private high school — so if anything is left from #2’s accounts I might be able to change the beneficiary to #1.
Ch 13 here. I went to an in-state school and my parents didn’t give me a dime. I also didn’t receive any scholarships and I wasn’t able to qualify for financial aid because my parents refused to give me their SSNs to fill out the FAFSA. So I was SOL until a family friend stepped in and co-signed a private student loan for me for freshman and sophomore years. I worked my butt off waiting tables and working other part time jobs and paid for junior and senior year tuition in cash, plus rent and expenses. I was saddled with the student loans for years though and this played a role in why I’m in the financial situation I’m in now.
My parents complained constantly about the cost of my school (even though their contribution amount didn’t change) and refused to fill out the CSS Profile, which my school required to be considered for MERIT-BASED (not need-based) scholarships. Still mad about that almost 20 years later.
I am right there with you. My parents did not guide or direct or save anything. They used savings bonds given to me as a young child to buy a house when I was 12 or so, which was nice, but meant that I had zero dollars to go to college and they refused to share information on a FAFSA. Looking at anything out of state was a nonstarter because flying anywhere was out of the question in terms of affordability. I commuted to the local state college, worked about 60 hours a week at two different minimum wage jobs, and was miserable – it was an overmatch situation and I was bored and couldn’t identify that’s why I hated it because I had no one really helping me understand. I graduated with a just ok GPA but went on to a highly selective graduate school while I worked at the same school for a tuition benefit. This changed my life – I was able to understand the differences between schools, understand that my path was really hindered by family decisions. I obviously take responsibility for my own knowledge but I started out at college about twenty steps behind my peers who had parents who at least were able to access federal financial aid.
That’s just awful, and I’m sorry your parents did that to you.
Same, my parent said if I wasn’t on track to go to an Ivy League medical school, there was no point in me attending college at all so they were not contributing. There were additional not nice things said as well, about the (lack of) value I bring to humanity. I did some highly questionable things to get the FAFSA filled out, and ended up with merit aid covering half tuition and took out loans (mix of federal and private) for the rest. I never spoke to that parent again. They are now dead, and I am alive, educated, well-adjusted, and happy, so I guess I showed them.
I am saving hard to help as much as possible with my kid’s undergrad, though I doubt I would be able to cover it all with current prices.
I’m in a unique situation where my working parent offered to pay for my college education among other things, but evidently went into debt to do so, and then left the family without paying any of these debts, so my loans were paid, but my stay at home parent and younger siblings lost the house and had no financial support for education or anything else after that.
My parents paid full tuition for my expensive private university. If I wanted to major in something with a low earning potential they wouldn’t have paid for such a pricey school, and I agree with that approach. I know some people say a fancy college isn’t much better than a decent state school but in my case the tuition was absolutely worth it. I had small class sizes with brilliant kids who made me up my game, excellent guidance counselors, a program that prepared me well for my career, and a strong alumni network in my field of interest.
To OP- figure out early on how much you’re willing to fund per kid. My mom is still resentful that my grandparents spent all their money on the older sibling when they unexpectedly were accepted to an elite college, and forced her to go to an iffy in-state school she wasn’t planning to attend.
I’m Canadian and our schools don’t cost anything near US private colleges so this conversation is fascinating to me.
My parents fully paid for my tuition, but that was like $5K CAD. I can’t imagine how anyone affords to pay $50k a year in cash!!! That’s absolutely ridiculous.
Canadian here too. So crazy how many of my friends paid their tuition with summer jobs twenty years ago, compared with everything in the US now.
My best friend at my very expensive US SLAC was Canadian. Her dad always griped about how much less it would have cost her to go to a Canadian school!
I went to a private university, and my husband went to his state’s flagship, which happens to be a very good one. I received good need-based financial aid (including some minimal loans but mostly grants), and my parents scrimped to cover the rest. I also always had jobs to pay for day-to-day spending. My husband’s parents were willing to pay, but he got a full scholarship and also had jobs, so their actual costs were pretty minimal. (In hindsight, it turned out his parents were living in a bit of a financial house of cards so this was very much for the best, but he didn’t know that as a teenager.) We both took out loans for professional school.
We’re much better off financially than either set of parents, thanks to those educations. We also just have one child, whereas they had larger families, so we don’t need to plan for more than one set of expenses. So we’re planning to fully pay for college, with the expectation that he have part-time/summer jobs for spending money.
I had great scholarships. My parents filled in the gaps. I went to a very small state school.
Husband (same school, it’s where we met) had a little help from his parents but mostly scholarships and loans, some of which we still have because he paid aggressively before we were married & so was ahead, and then COVID. Hoping to get those paid off soonish.
My parents and my husband’s parents paid for our fancy private colleges but not grad school. We have one kid, and my parents plan to fund her college and grad school, which is incredibly generous. If we didn’t have my parents’ money we would fund in-state public and contribute to private but likely couldn’t fund the full cost of private.
My husband and I are 36 and have a toddler. My parents felt that their financial obligations ended when I graduated from high school, so I paid for everything from tuition to tampons during undergraduate and law school with merit scholarships (my parents’ high income precluded me from need-based aid), working my butt off at too many jobs, loans, and having a very lean lifestyle. Looking back, I missed out on a lot during those years and I’m hurt that my parents used “you’re an adult” to justify looking the other way while their bright, motivated daughter was under so much pressure. I would never intentionally put my child in that position.
In contrast, my husband’s parents paid for his entire college and law school experiences with savings and were prepared to supplement with cashflow if necessary. They were transparent with him about what they could contribute and the three of them reached mutual decisions about trading off prestige for cost.
We are saving enough to put our toddler through undergraduate and grad school at our state flagship. We are also maxing out all tax-advantaged retirement accounts, saving extra for retirement, and expect to have the means to cashflow additional college/grad school expenses. We plan to be transparent with our child about funding their education and hope that we can reach mutual decisions like my husband’s parents did. I won’t be surprised if we receive an inheritance at some point from either side, but we are not including it any of our calculations.
My husband’s rich parents paid for his three older siblings to attend private college but told him they’d only pay for state school. He decided to take state school for free instead of taking out loans to attend the low-ranked private college he preferred (did not get in to any of his more prestigious choices). He still resents that his parents would not pay for private school.
My parents’ EFC was zero. I went to one of the top public universities in the nation, paid for mostly by grants and scholarships. I had modest loans; the payment was less than a car payment on the 10-year plan.
For my joint law/graduate degree we ended up taking out more loans than anticipated due to some financial aid bait-and-switch (lost a year of one scholarship because I was in the joint degree program) and massive tuition hikes (60% over three years) on the part of the law school. The resulting debt really limited our ability to pursue other financial goals, so we vowed that our own daughter would not have any student loans for her bachelor’s degree.
Early in high school we determined that with savings and cash flow we would be able to afford $XX,XXX per year, which was a little more than the best public schools in our state (in-state tuition for the good schools here is surprisingly expensive now; the weaker state schools are still cheap) but significantly less than what the net price calculators told us we’d have to pay for private college. We told our daughter what we could afford and explained that if she wanted our money, she would have to go somewhere where she wouldn’t have to take out loans. We told her that she could apply to top private schools that didn’t award merit aid because there was a chance that the net price calculators could be wrong, but that she should also look at state schools and lower-ranked private schools that offered merit aid. She ended up falling in love with a SLAC that offers merit aid, is very strong in one of her two intended majors, and has the kind of supportive programs and environment that fits her individual needs. We visited some more prestigious schools and there were aspects of each one that she liked, but the less prestigious school had everything she wanted and just felt right to her in a way none of the fancier schools did.
As a generic high-achieving white public school girl from the suburbs, our daughter did not have much of a shot at the elite schools anyway. 4.5 GPA, 1500 SAT, ranked third in her class, IB diploma candidate, mostly tier 3 and one tier 2 activity. Her stats did make her a very good catch for a lower-ranked liberal arts college, though. We had her apply regular decision to her top choice on the theory that her chances of admission under regular decision were still excellent, and that her chance at merit scholarships would be much higher in regular decision than early decision. This strategy paid off. This fall she will attend her dream school debt-free with a place in a selective major, and we will pay several thousand dollars less per year than we’d pay for her to attend the prestigious state school where she was also admitted.
This op-ed from the NYT (gift link) does a good job of summarizing the insanity of this year’s college admissions and financial aid process. We were fortunate that the schools where she applied relied on the CSS in addition to the FAFSA.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/01/opinion/college-admissions-applications.html?unlocked_article_code=1.o00.QLUQ.VPQ9xPDYe9P9&smid=url-share
I don’t the resentment on your husbands part. Lots of schools are not worth the $$$, so if he wasn’t going to a top tier private school it makes sense to go in state and save the money.
Not that poster, but I would resent being treated differently than my siblings. I agree private college is often not worth it though.
My high school had a dual enrollment program in which you could earn free college credit through the local community college while still in high school. Through that program, I finished two years of college by the the time I graduated high school. The other two years, I went to an in state university, lived at home, and was eligible for full tuition assistance through a lotto-funded state program. I worked to pay for my own expenses.
For law school, I went part time so I could work and at least pay for my living expenses instead of taking out loans to pay for those so I only took out loans to pay for the actual tuition. I paid off those loans in 9 years. Currently, don’t have any kids and only plan on one at the most. We will pay for what we can but they’ll have to take a job for living expenses.
Was there a discussion about Noah Rosenblum here recently? What’s his deal
He’s an NYU law professor and Columbia alum who appears to be supportive of the students’ right to protest and questioning the narrative that they present a danger to anyone (and perhaps suggesting that others involved – counter protestors, university admins, police, private security) are the actual danger. Seems pretty level-headed. What is your question?
This may be a “is my water bottle professional” type question, but please humor me. My office doesn’t have a proper cafeteria but has a rotating set up of local restaurants who can set up near the building entrance from whom we can purchase lunch. It’s a LOT of styrofoam. Would it be weird if I brought my glass tupperware with me and asked them to put my food in that?
I vote not weird at all! And it actually saves the restaurants money so I doubt they will care, unless the food is pre-plated or something. I’d do it.
Might be a little weird, but I would still do it. Then again, I bring a container from home when we eat out so that we don’t have to use a disposable container from the restaurant. Be that person! Others might start to copy you.
Yeah – it might not even have occurred to others that it was an option. I say go for it.
Not weird, but they might not be able to bring your container back into the kitchen for food safety code reasons.
We BYO plastic takeout containers to restaurants for leftovers but we just quickly scoop them at the table, don’t send them back to the kitchen.
It would be weird for this reason — you don’t want people’s dishes from home back there. (Unfortunately, but it isn’t sanitary up to a high enough standard even if your personal dish is very clean.)
It’s not really about the cleanliness of a specific dish, but rather the unknown sanitation practices of an outside dish.
At my high school fast food job, we were prohibited from filling travel mugs at the behind-the-counter drink station unless the travel mug had been washed in the restaurant with the restaurant’s dishsoap and to the restaurant’s standards. We had to dispense our beverage into one of the normal disposable cups, then pour from that into the travel mug. We could, however, walk out to the self-serve station in the lobby and fill our travel mugs there, because the public use area was somehow impervious to potentially unsanitary dishes. This applied if a customer brought their own mug, too.
Great idea! And agreed about scooping your own food at the table. Half the time when we request to take remaining items home, the server comes back to drop off a container for diner’s own “self service” anyways.
This wouldn’t look weird in my office at all where lots of people are into recycling/being green/etc.
I live in a county were there’s no recycling and in area where people make comments about EVs being a government conspiracy, so that’s why I asked here if it would be too weird….. when I used to live in DC, I would’ve done it without much thought.
Thanks all! I’m no expert on environmentally friendly lifestyle choices, but I’m trying to make an effort where I can.
Love this idea! And how others are BYO containers to restaurants. Y’all inspired me to start BYOC-ing when we go out.
While our state has a styrofoam ban (yay!), the Doordash/Ubereats proliferation seems to have made plastic takeout containers sturdier and thus, use more plastic than the previous cheapy thin ones.
There is a fast casual restaurant near my office where everything, even dine-in orders, comes out in the black + clear lid plastic containers favored by delivery apps. And their trash can is full of them…despite the adjacent recycling container.
The questions and comments yesterday about advocating for yourself or loved ones in a healthcare setting really resonated with me. I could really use some help with a script a) advocating for myself and b) breaking it to my doctor that I got a second opinion and am going to pursue a different course of treatment from what she recommended.
I’m dealing with perimenopause symptoms that have gotten extreme over the last 6 months. I have had a couple of appointments, and now a very comprehensive set of bloodwork, with my PCP, who I have been very happy with in the past, and who I followed to a pricy concierge practice. All my personal research (reputable websites like Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic) indicates that hormone replacement would probably help me a lot, and that I am a good candidate for it. My PCP doesn’t seem inclined to prescribe hrt for me. She has suggested other medication which, while it may help with symptoms, doesn’t address the underlying cause of the problems, both short- and potentially long-term, for which hrt would be indicated in my case. She has not told me point blank “no” or given me specific reasons for her recommendations, and I am frustrated. So frustrated that I got an appointment with an online women’s midlife specialty practice. (I picked one that worked with my insurance, and seemed less like a prescription factory than some others). Their provider looked at my bloodwork and medical history, listened to my tale of woe, and said “yes, of course you should be on hrt”. I filled the prescription, but haven’t started it – I plan to start this weekend.
So what do I tell my PCP? If this were just a case of changing practices entirely, that would be easy, but I do like her a lot, and would like to give her this info in a way that preserves the relationship so I can continue seeing her. Anyone care to give me a script? I just feel like citing my own research, as I’m not a medical professional, makes me sound like a crazy person who went down and internet rabbit hole and then doctor shopped until she got what she wanted, and I hope that’s not the case here.
I would say “I’ve started HRT and I’m hoping it helps with my symptoms.” and nothing more. If pressed, you could say “based on my research/the guidelines from ___ and the advice from my women’s health practitioner, I’m a good candidate.”
I wouldn’t say anything. Most PCPs have so little time to spend with patients, there’s no point in wasting it picking a fight. It’s perfectly reasonable to have found a specialist who has more time to address a specific issue and if she asks about, you can just say something to that effect- that these symptoms were really interfering with your life and you needed more help. That’s what people do for all kinds of conditions all the time. But don’t bring it up otherwise and don’t phrase it as going behind her back or against her advice, you were just following normal medical practice.
Have them add the prescription to your list of medicines at your next appointment. If you get questions, just say “I got a second opinion from [an OBGYN/other doctor specialty] who believes HRT is the right course of action given my bloodwork and medical history.” Your PCP isn’t the right doctor for everything, and shouldn’t be offended that you saw a specialist.
My PCP didn’t have much to say when I asked for support with perimenopause. My (very young) endocrinologist said to bring it up again when I’m in complete menopause, but that she doesn’t have anything to recommend for perimenopause. So I scheduled with a gynecologist at a women’s health practice, and she had a lot more to say and more options to offer. I think this is just a case of seeing the right specialist for your needs, and I wouldn’t go out of my way to make it a conversation with the PCP other than updating your med list next time you see her? Basically, you were still having symptoms trying things her way, so you consulted a specialist provider. There is no doctor out there who knows it all and does it all, so I don’t think it’s doctor shopping to see a relevant provider; it’s the normal thing to do if PCP’s advice isn’t working out. I think it feels different to you because it was online, but I don’t think it’s actually very different from if you were having some skin issue, and the PCP kept offering some topical that wasn’t helping, so you ended up seeing a dermatologist for specialist care.
Also, if you’ve followed a PCP to a concierge practice, I wonder if you may have gotten used to her handling everything and minimizing specialist referrals over the years? It’s pretty normal with specialists to have to find the headache neurologist if the general neurology neurologist has run out of options for treating migraines, or the dysmotility gastroenterologist if the generalist gastroenterologist doesn’t have access to the right kinds of tests. It’s a little ridiculous, but the system is set up so that we see someone who knows the basics, and then if that doesn’t work we see someone who knows the specialty, and then if that doesn’t work we see someone who knows the subspecialty, and the subspecialist may have access to testing and treatments that the specialist, let alone the primary care provider, is barely aware of.
Direct care and concierge practice physicians are trying to correct this by handling more themselves, but there are definitely limits to what they’re comfortable and experienced enough to manage.
This is a great way to think of it.
Also deeply annoyed that the endocrinologist advised you to just wait it out. Perimenopause is AWFUL and it can last 15 years. I really doubt that men would get told to just suck it up for 15 years.
You have nothing to feel bad about or apologize for. You’re taking HRT period.
Thanks All! My PCP was my go to since the concierge practice model means I actually get long appointments and more attention, and she’s been incredibly helpful and caring with other issues over the years. We discussed this at length in my last appointment. I want to make sure she’s “on board”, but I suppose if she’s not and fires me as a patient it will save me some money!
I was in the same situation as you. My PCP in fact wouldn’t give me HRT – she was worried about my distant history of one migraine with aura 25 years before, and also didn’t understand the types of HRT or the risks/benefits. So I just found my own GYN who specialized in menopause (many women have a separate GYN from their PCP) and started HRT with them. When I returned to see my PCP, I simply told her that since our last visit I saw this great GYN that thought I should start HRT and told her why. My PCP was great – she listened and was happy to learn something herself.
I also like my PCP, and was a little worried what she would say, but if you pose it as a good thing that actually is taking some responsibility off her shoulders, some doctors will be relieved they don’t have to deal with that issue anymore (!).
I have given up waiting for my basic doctors to refer me to a specialist. If I am concerned and not satisfied with my treatment plan, I look for one myself or just ask my PCP to recommend someone.
Once you reach middle age as a woman, you just shouldn’t mess around as much. You need to be on top of your own age appropriate screenings, and keep looking until you have a good PCP and probably a GYN. Many things get missed at this mid age, and I’m all for prevention and catching things early so I’m proactive. Doctors are just not as careful, time is too short, and documentation in medical records are riddled with errors. Go in to see your doctors as organized as you can be, to be efficient.
I would report it as a new medication, you don’t need to say anything more unless they ask why. I think they would be happy to defer to a speciality. And fwiw I think it’s probably better to see a gyn for hormones since they’re used to dealing with them, unless your primary care also does your well woman visit.
It’s awful how ignorant some actual doctors are about this health issue. You did the right thing to get a second opinion and I wouldn’t say anything more than “I’ve started HRT on the advice of a specialist.” Also, start today, don’t wait until the weekend. HRT was a game changer for my symptoms and I hope it is for yours too, but it takes some time to kick in.
That your PCP has not explained her recommendations is the heart of the problem here. Did you ask her? I find that it’s really important to push doctors on why they are recommending for or against things – not like you’re cross-examining them, but ‘can you help me understand why you are recommending I do A rather than B’?
I pushed to the extent of saying I was uncomfortable with what she was suggesting, and would like to consider hrt, and she doubled down on what she was suggesting, and didn’t address why hrt might or might not be an option. I probably could have pushed harder, but didn’t. Honestly, based on what she prescribed I think she is treating my symptoms as a different condition (which they may be, but hormonal change during perimenopause can be a big contributing factor for it), and I would rather treat the root cause than the symptoms.
Now I’m over 40 I switched from an obn office to midi health. I love them.
Your PCP won’t know much of anything about perimenopause. You are far better off with a specialist like midi health (who take most insurance).
I’m sorry, I realize I didn’t fully answer your question. When you go to your next appointment with your PCP you can share the medications you are taking. I wouldn’t say anything to them. They aren’t a specialist.
I’d definitely mention it to your PCP. A good PCP (which she sounds like) will want to know what symptoms led you to find a 2nd opinion, how you are feeling with the new meds, what dose and frequency you are taking, and who is prescribing. An excellent PCP might call the second opinion to learn from them and make sure there’s an open line of communication in case of any related issues down the road. Please remember that she works for you, not the other way around!! A good doctor will always always support you in seeking a second opinion.
I’d phrase it something like this: “I was interested in more info on HRT so I consulted [this specialist], who recommended HRT. So far it has helped me with [symptoms] and I haven’t had any [side effects]. Can I give you their name and contact info in case you need to coordinate my care with them?”
I’m trying to purge family closets while switching out the winter clothes into bins.
How many hoodies is it normal to own? Does the answer differ if it is a high school teen (both girls)?
Also: max number of t-shirts with words?
Other things seem to be in reasonable quantities. The above two are now neither outgrown nor trashed and hoodies take up SO much space.
Do it the other way round. Designate how much space in the closet they have available for hoodies, and then keep the amount of items that can fit in that space.
I’d say that for teenagers, it’s hard to dictate. I’d tell them how much space they have in the attic and if they have overflow they need to store in their room (under bed storage?).
Do they have lots of tees and sweats from sports or other activities? Do they wear these clothes as normal clothes or just for sports?
there is no one answer to this. if your kid wears hoodies as their outer layer frequently, of course they want a bunch of different looks to choose from.
I had about a billion hoodies and t-shirts with words when I was in high school. It’s pretty much all I ever wore.
For a high schooler who wears hoodies near daily, I wouldn’t blink enough eye at 10. But whatever they have room for is fine.
However, if they are in high school, they should be the ones deciding this. If I was a teen, I would be so pissed if my mom arbitrarily decided that she was getting rid of my clothing. Tell them that the clothes must fit in X space, and let them decide how they are going to make that happen.
OP here — this is great. One more thing to move off of my list.
Yeah they’re teenagers. You set the perimeters and they can figure it out.
If my mom tried to police the number of hoodies I owned as a teenager we would have had a massive fight. But also, she didn’t because she worked full time and had 3 kids so she didn’t have enough time to care about how many hoodies I owned
:) Glad you took this feedback OP! I thought the same thing.
Yeah, I agree about this. My parents actually were VERY controlling about what I wore, and it was awful. Give them a certain space and let them decide whether it’s worth keeping 55 hoodies or having a mix of attire. Whether it’s “reasonable” to own a certain number is so subjective that it’s not even a useful question.
I’m always of the opinion when it comes to purging that there is no ‘right’ amount of any one thing to own. If someone wears a hoodie every day, vs only occasionally, the former person is going to need a LOT more hoodies. I would just keep the favorites that you have room for, bearing in mind how many are actually needed.
If some tees/hoodies are keepsakes/from special events that you want to keep but not necessarily wear, you could always store those in long-term storage elsewhere.
I “collected” hoodies in HS, and I say as long as they’re all getting regularly worn and you have room, the limit does not exist.
I still have a hard time parting with hoodies, and I’m 43!
Please don’t throw away your teens’ belongings without asking them.
Oh, I propose candidates for eviction but I’m part of the problem also. I have a swim team hoodie from a team no one has been on for years. It’s an old friend but during COVId became one of many workwear polices for me. Eek. And then I got hoodies from so many other things that were fundraisers. So many. And then there are the shirts.
A lot of hoodies is the normal amount. Sorry! I know you wanted a different answer.
How about for adults with office jobs? Asking for a friend, of course.
When your husband notices you stashed your extra in his closet.
Same: As many as you wear and have room for.
I’d suggest the marie kondo approach of take everything out, put in pile and sort through.
Consider doing one of those t-shirt quilts if the issue is that the t-shirts have memories attached. My kids are now in late twenties and still love and use those. The hoodies have to go; they just take too much room.
For those who spotted post-IUD, when did the bleeding start? I got one on Monday and haven’t bled at all, so I’m optimistically wondering if I’m in the clear or if it’s too early to know.
I got the IUD inserted on the last day of my period.
I never had much spotting beyond the first week or so, so you very well might in the clear!
Agree with Sasha – once mine was in and settled, I didn’t see anything for years.
So this is obviously a not great scenario – but on the spectrum of possible. I’ve had an IUD twice – once 15 years ago after the birth of my first child, and then I had one inserted in December. Both times I had lessening periods for 3-4 months, and then the spotting started. Last time I spotted lightly but daily for 2 years until I had it removed. This time I’m spotting daily and I assume it will continue, but my iron levels were incredibly low from heavy periods, so the spotting is the lesser of two evils and I plan to keep it in through menopause. First time was Mirena, this time it is a generic.
Someone I have not seen or spoken with IRL (we like each other’s Facebook posts occasionally) in at least a decade messaged me yesterday asking for legal advice on a $250 dispute nowhere close to my area of expertise. Why do people think they can do this?
Ignore.
I needed help with my dad’s will and I used my company’s EAP services to get a referral. The lawyer was so kind, caring, and gentle that when I needed legal help again several years later, I thumbed through my emails specifically so I could call him–but also he was the only person I could think of in my “Rolodex” that would even be a starting point. He wasn’t the right type of lawyer and politely declined, but I can imagine him complaining “who does that?!?!” now that I’m seeing this. Although I didn’t expect him to work for free.
For those that say “Google it!” Google has really changed. I went to Google a fact yesterday (“what is the Greek myth about a giant ship”) and the results were really, really frustrating–several iterations of search terms did nothing to change the crap results–that felt like 99% shopping or ads. I can imagine someone thinking “well, I know so and so is a lawyer, maybe they can direct me to the right person, Google is all ads and I don’t trust it.”
It’s irksome, but when you have one of those jobs (teacher, doctor, lawyer, mechanic) people will try to come to you with problems. Just part of the game.
Help me out with dinner. Friends (a couple, both vegetarian) are coming over to our house for supper tomorrow night. My oven is broken. Other than pasta or risotto, what vegetarian dishes can I make that feel festive and can be cooked on a stovetop?
Indian food has a lot of great vegetarian options based around lentils, chickpeas, etc. that could be served with naan, pitas, rice.
Chana masala, naan, raita, rice. Tasty, and can go from ingredients to table in <30 minutes if needed.
Shakshuka
mmh, I haven’t made that in a while!!
Great idea. Fast, simple, tasty.
Assuming you live in the northern hemisphere, I’d celebrate spring vegetables. There’s a new recipe for steamed artichokes cut in half and finished with a sear in garlic butter from Smitten Kitchen that I’d love to try. I prefer sauteed asparagus to roasted, and it’s great in a stir fry or salad. If they eat dairy, maybe the artichokes to start, then sauteed asparagus with burrata and crusty bread and some kind of green salad with fruit and nuts for color and texture?
this sounds like a beautiful meal
I would still be hungry with just vegetables and bread.
Same. You need some form of protein in there.
Agree! Where’s the rest of dinner?
Some of us have cheese as a protein for a light meal. All of the vegetables provide a lot of bulk to fill you up. I also drink Fairlife milk with my dinners so that gives me a lot of protein and is also filling, but I know most people do not.
burrata has protein :)
people overestimate how much protein they need, as well as food in general IMO, but if I’d lifted weights that day I’d add a cute salmon fillet
This sounds delicious. What about with haloumi cheese grilled or fried?
Depending on the weather:
– Soup if it’s cold. For spring, a nice cream of asparagus or carrot ginger soup would be seasonal. Pair with fresh crusty bread and a heartier salad like a caprese salad or a beet, goat cheese, and arugula salad.
– Grill if it’s warm enough. Vegetable kabobs or that Love and Lemons Caesar salad made with a grilled head of romaine lettuce
Chholey masala served over rice.
Career question: I’m mid-career in the learning and development field. A couple attempts to step up above the Individual Contributor level have had me crashing and burning, so I’m very wary to go beyond my comfort level and proven skill set. I’m a year into a job where I’ve been crushing it (glowing review, big bonus, merit raise, tons of kudos) in this IC role, and my manager recently mentioned that she feels I’d be a good match for a 2-steps-up job that’s akin to a Project Manager role. It’s less creative work, more “air traffic control” but she specifically said she feels I’d be good for it.
The crash and burns were not for the same reasons (meaning it’s not something a certification or self-reflection and adjustments would resolve)–two were basically a combo of wrong for the job + under-supported and the last was wrong for the job/wrong hire (they hired me for soft skills training and…didn’t need that, shall we say). I really struggled hard in those jobs and don’t want to lose a job especially in this job market because I stretched into a role I can’t do.
I’m just…nervous. Of course a reco isn’t an interview, isn’t a job offer, but the salary where I’m currently at is just below true comfort level and I’m struggling a bit with this current salary. I assume the promotion would come with a bump, so it’s attractive on that level alone. Plus after 15+ years, the IC role, duties, and projects while gratifying, can feel routine and blah at times–like how many new tools are there to learn when it all comes back to a basic skill set, ya know?
TLDR: should I go for a stretch role and risk flaming out again? or stay in the comfort zone where I’m performing really well?
I know you said that there’s no amount of self-reflection that would help, regarding the previous jobs. But . . . do you have a good understanding of what made these three jobs not a good fit for you? Can you list the factors from each job? You need to know these factors, so you can craft some plans for identifying whether/if they’re present in this stretch role.
That’s a good call. The first crash and burn was 5 years ago and it was a combo of “just not ready for the role” + a bad fit. I am autistic and didn’t know at the time and like many late-diagnosed women, I had reached the end of where conventional masking + coping strategies worked and crashed into a brick wall in terms of my Dx affecting my life.
Other two were more recent–two in a row in a really challenging industry (male dominated, engineering based, known for bullying and terrible culture). One I’d say was about 60% my fault–not speaking up, not pushing back on unreasonable work load, not a strong match for the role (and ignoring interview red flags). Made a serious error and I wasn’t able to recover and wound up making a couple more errors in the fallout from that first mistake–that’s 100% on me though.
Final was genuinely not my fault I can say. They hired me into a Learning Manager role and my same-title same level colleague (male) started in immediately with the undermining and bullying. The role required 2 conferences in the first 6 months that required three 16+ hour days each staffing the event (and tons of crappy physical labor like sponging off tables and running badges around, which is not what I signed up for AT ALL), which is not anything I’ve ever had to do in another “learning” role and that really burned me out and made me angry, bitter, and unhappy in the role.
My biggest takeaway would be doing major due diligence as to the coworkers and duties and watch out for red flags and a certain personality type in the interview (very…sales-y and corpo shall we say).
I’d suggest doing it if you can make sure you have the resources you’d need. Do you need authority? someone to check in with about how things are going? Specific training?
were the crash & burn roles at different orgs? I think it’s a great move when it works out to level up to a new role in the same company as you can find out sooo much more about the team culture, expectations, etc. vs. when interviewing externally. put your hat in the ring!
My only advice is to strongly consider whether you want to be a manager. I work in the legal field and had assumed that managing other highly motivated and successful professionals would be easy and it…isn’t. Most days I feel like I am part therapist, part lawyer. It’s very draining, and I don’t have much in the tank when I leave the office every day. There is a reason why they pay you more money.
This. I don’t regret it, exactly, but I don’t want to manage people forever. It’s a lot of weight, knowing that other people are relying on you, you have a big impact on how they feel about work, and being the one who ultimately takes responsibility for everything.
I moved from Learning and Dev to Operations Manager in 2019. It was hard and there was a steep learning curve, but I’m glad I did and wouldn’t change my decision. Yes, I’m more stressed now, but I was bored in L&D and I had pretty much topped out with salary as an individual contributor at my company (80k, after a couple years of raises I’m at 135k). If you feel you have the support at your current job, I say go for it.
This shirt is gorgeous, but $90 for a tshirt? No freaking way.
It’s 30% off if you order from Ted Baker directly!
I think its gorgeous too and also balked at the price…..but 30% makes it far more
attractive, especially if I consider the cost per wear. …..I say this as someone who paid
$100 at the outlet for a long sleeve Paul Smith tshirt that I lived in.
Hmm….
In Europe Ted Baker is under threat for bankruptcy. check the company in the US.
Does anyone have suggestions for nice looking faux plants/flowers? My two cats are obsessed with destroying any sort of plants (they even chew/bat at the lego ‘flowers’ but give up quickly with those). I would love to have some greenery around the house but the cheap ones look terrible and I don’t want to drop a few hundred on the ‘nice’ ones without some IRL reviews/suggestions.
Honestly, I get some from HomeGoods or TJMaxx. The locations near me have lots of options. But I am curious about larger, hanging faux plants, so am interested in other responses.
I have a fake vase of peonies and a fake potted orchid that I picked up at Lowe’s that are nice enough for me to put on a shelf in my office and have them look good in the background when I’m in a virtual meeting.
If you had a few hours to catch up with a long-lost friend on a weeknight in the financial district of NYC, where would you go?
Price is not really a factor, but we don’t need a fancy steakhouse. Quiet or cozy is preferred over a raucous vibe – we really want to be able to visit for a couple of hours and enjoy a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Trying to stay south of Canal Street but could go into Soho for the right place.
Locanda Verde, Crown Shy (further downtown), the Odean, or Frenchette.
Le Gratin
Tiny’s and the bar upstairs – lots of other options in TriBeCa still south of canal but I think FiDi is sorely lacking cozy options