Corporette.com

Updated: Nov 1, 2018 194 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue

Suit of the Week

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue Tropical Wool SuitFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I don't normally like to link to the flash sale sites, but there are some crazy great deals happening at the Saks FashionFix Wear-it-to-Work sale today (I'm obsessed with at least two pieces, all sadly sold out in my size (although I think you can still get the sweater at Bluefly)). There are a lot of lucky sizes, particularly in the suiting department ($900 blazers marked to $265!) but I'm selecting this tropical wool suit for the Suit of the Week because it's a great basic, and there are a ton of sizes still left. I like the classic, tailored look, as well as the seasonless fabric. The blazer (BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue Tropical Wool Suit Jacket) was $215, but is now marked to $129 in black and charcoal, and the partially-lined pants (BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue Tropical Trousers) were $145, but are now $87-$129, in both black and charcoal.
BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue Tropical Wool Suit Jacket BLACK Saks Fifth Avenue Tropical Trousers
(L-all)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. b23

    Tagging onto that Botox conversation earlier, how much do fillers cost? I have marionette lines that seem to be getting deeper. I’m assuming filler is what I need, right? How long does it last, how much does it cost, any experiences, etc., would be mega appreciated!!

    • Inlander

      I had fillers in my marionette lines last summer. I’m in the northwest and I paid $600 for a full syringe, which took about an hour and filled both lines from corners of my lips down about an inch and a bit in my chin. It was a very subtle change, but I feel I went from looking sulking with the corners of my mouth downturned, to looking relaxed. I plan to repeat it in about 18 months. I selected Restaline, which lasts a little longer than some of the other products (according to my dermatologist). It was a little uncomfortable and my face was red for a day. I had one tiny bruise, but then I bruise extremely easily!

    • darby

      A couple of things – there’s a difference b/n fillers & botox — fillers inject stuff to plump up lines & botox freezes the muscle so that wrinkles relax because you aren’t making them (my version of the scientific explanation). As I understand it, you use different things in different parts of your face. I do botox only (takes at least 5-7 years off me & is amazing, imho) & get it in my forehead only. Costs me around $500 each time (I go about 1 -2 times a year, depending on whether I’m doing full bangs or side swoop bangs – bangs are cheaper than botox) & they charge by the injection, something like $13 a shot.

  2. Susie

    Hmm, I do not like that it only has one button with that much material underneath.

    • ExcelNinja

      Haha, I was going to come here to complain about the one-button, but then I thought I’d keep it to myself since I’ve already spent my clothing budget for the month anyway :) FWIW, you could probably have a tailor add one or two buttons.

  4. Grrr!

    I have two time-sensitive things to deal with before COB today, both need other people to sign off/give input, both of those other people are impossible to nail down. They don’t read their email. (Literally just do not read it.) They don’t look at their calendars. They’re never at their desks. I scheduled a meeting with one of them, but she is *never* available at the time she’s supposed to be. I stopped by her desk at the meeting time and she wasn’t there (this always, always happens). It’s a sort of weird situation in terms of hierarchy that results in me being on the hook for getting this stuff done, but not being in a position to tell these people to get with the program. I also can’t show them up by, for example, saying that I wasn’t able to complete the work because these two were never available. (So not looking for advice because explaining the situation would out me but it’s not really totally understandable without the whole context. Just venting.) It’s just incredibly stressful.

    • AnonInfinity

      That situation stinks.

      In case you want a practical idea — Sometimes when I’m trying to hunt someone down who is hard to find, I enlist the help of spies. I’ll ask the receptionist or the person sitting outside Partner’s office to email me or call me when Partner walks by or goes into his office.

    • emcsquared

      I totally hear you – you need sign off before finalizing something, you would get in trouble for not getting sign off, and you would get in trouble for not finishing on time because you couldn’t get sign off.

      This is my strategy: first, if the person has an assistant, become the assistant’s best friend. They will help you by indicating where the person might be, how to reach them, etc. Second, if that doesn’t work, reach out to someone powerful enough to intervene on your behalf and explain that you are concerned about your deadline but don’t know how to finish, and ask if they have thoughts on what you should do. They will hopefully either give you the input or sign-off you need, or wrangle the disappearing folks for you.

      And make sure you that you are keeping records of your attempts to find these people, so you can cya later.

    • Ellen

      I also have this probelem with the manageing partner. He often disapear’s at the last minute and leave’s me holding the bag. I just go on as if he was there, b/c I have no choice. The SUPERMARKIT guy’s is the latest. He was suposed to help me with them, but Margie made him go to the boat show b/c their 35 FOOT boat got bashed up in the Sandy thing, and thier insurance GAVE them enough cash to buy a NEW one, so they are going to get a 45 FOOT cruizer! Whatever. I do NOT like boat’s, but when I am a partner I supose I have to get one to entertan cleint’s.

      I do like this SAKS suit, but the manageing partner will NOT reimburse for any suit with any slack’s. It has to be a dress, even in the WINTER. FOOEY b/c no one is paying me to stay warm, and the subway is cold and WINDY with a dress, even with my heavy cashemere coat, which I wear b/c I will NOT wear fur. FOOEY!

    • anon,

      For grrr, the advice to enlist spies and/or help from assistants is good and may work. But unless it is solely “your’ project (you are the president or CEO of the company or managing partner) I would serve it up to the person responsible (partner, head of division etc) in an email giving a status update, tasks left to be completed and obstacles to completion and consequences if not completed by COB.

    • Sydney Bristow

      That sucks. I might try putting a post-it note on the center of their computer monitors asking them to call you ASAP (especially since one of them missed a scheduled meeting with you) and then do a follow up phone call until you actually get a response.

        • Godzilla

          I think that’s a know-your-office thing. It would perfectly acceptable and not offensive to do this in my office.

          That being said, for some people it just won’t work. I stalk them until I find them.

          • Brant

            Agreed– I always leave “stopped in with a quick question- please call me at x1234 ASAP”. Works like a charm and nobody gets grumpy. It’s either this or callign them from across the office 10x until they pick up.

        • Sydney Bristow

          Oh wow, I hadn’t thought it would be an issue for anyone. Thanks for pointing it out. It happens at my office pretty frequently, but its something to keep in mind for the future.

          • k-padi

            I think Godzilla is right–it’s a know-your-office thing. It would not work in my office. It would not work for the person I back-up. I do know that my office uses spies. Some days I can’t leave for 5 minutes to pick up lunch without coming back to hear from half the office that the other half of the office is looking for me.

            I know a day will be dandy when I’m in before 9 (early on the Left Coast) and a paralegal is waiting at the front door to tell me what’s already in my inbox.

        • Charlotte Peloux

          So late to this, but agree with the “know your office” thing. In my office, it’s a commonly accepted practice.

    • IA_Eng

      That is very frustrating. In addition to the good advice above, when I’ve needed something from people who are tough to track down I would swing by their desk frequently and once I had caught them there would stay until I had gotten what I needed out of them, simplifying as much possible what they actually need to do themselves (“I need you to approve X and Y – sign here on this form to approve it”).

    • Bluejay

      Are you my coworker? Because sadly, the people you describe sound just like me. They probably wish they weren’t running around all the time and would love to sit down and focus. Sorry you’re stuck being on the hook for this :(.

    • k-padi

      As the official “back-up” for someone like this for these situations–it ain’t pleasant for me either. But at least I’m usually able to get it out the door. Could these people appoint a back-up?

    • lawsuited

      Are you me? I am in the same position of being responsible for getting things done, but not allowed to push my ducks into a row the make that happen. Le sign.

    • gov anon

      My boss is incredibly busy and never at her desk as well. I ask the receptionist and her assistant to give me a heads up when she’s heading to her office. Then I can catch her. For super time sensitive things that I know she knows is a priority, I occasionally ask her assistant to pass it to her in the meeting with a note that I need sign off.

  5. emcsquared

    Question: My grandfather passed away during the holidays, and it was a really rough time both because of his illness and the work stress. I am finding myself at a loss when people ask me about my holidays – I don’t want to be a downer and say that December was the hardest month I’ve ever experienced, but I also can’t honestly say anything good about it (and frankly can’t remember most of it).

    On good days I’ve been answering that it was nice to spend some time with family (without mentioning that we hung out at, um, a hospice center and a funeral), and on bad days I’ve been saying that I’m grateful for the new year (and hoping the person doesn’t ask any further questions). The problem with both of these is that they tend to shut down the conversation, rather than further it, making situations a bit awkward…

    I’ve got several functions coming up and I know I’ll get the question a lot – is there some other creative but polite way to gloss over the question without completely stalling the conversation? Should I just give my honest answer and hope for mercy?

    • Fiona

      I would just gloss over the question and be really generic/boring about it. Like, “it was ok. Busy. Saw family. How about you?” Hopefully the questions about the holidays will start fading out pretty soon.

      And I’m very sorry for your loss. That does sound like a miserable December. =(

    • Kontraktor

      Person: How was your holiday?
      You: Oh, it was alright. I had to travel to dealwith some family issues. It was a bit difficult, but what can you do? Why don’t you tell me about your holiday! I’d love to hear what you did.

    • Monday

      I don’t see what’s wrong with “nice to spend some time with family.” It may feel to you like the conversation shuts down after that, but really it’s probably that someone has asked a pretty simple question, gotten a simple answer, and everyone’s thinking of where to go from here. That’s what small talk does! If people ask for specifics, you can mention what town your family is from, any notable gifts, and chitchat about travel and weather on your trip. Avoid the death if that’s what you want to do.

      My Dad died over one of my Christmas breaks during grad school, so I know how hard this is. How was my break? Well…. forget it. He also came close to dying several times while I was in college, so likewise people were always talking about crazy beach or ski trips and when I had been hanging out on cancer wings during our breaks. Remember that soon these kinds of questions will stop coming, and also that everyone experiences deaths in their families, with no time being a good time for it to happen. I’m sorry for your loss.

    • Diana Barry

      I would be honest – people will be sympathetic. You can also redirect the question back at them, to say you hope their holidays were happier than yours!

    • mascot

      Just answer “It was a quiet holiday and I got to spend some time with my family” and change the conversation. Even if you were having a blast with your family catching up, unless you did something super interesting like cliff-diving, there’s not a lot to talk about with people who don’t know them. Fortunately, the questions drop off as we move further from the holidays. I’m sorry for your loss.

    • SoCalAtty

      My go-to response: “Not great but that happens sometimes.” I’ve never had anyone push me past that. My grandma (that raised me) passed away while I was studying for the bar exam – I only remember the first week of prep and the last day of the exam, and then nothing else until results in November (scary, right?). People asked me a lot “how was your summer,” or, when my mom passed away in Jan. ’10, “how was your break?” This answer got a lot of use!

      Aside from that, you get big giant hugs from me! No matter what the circumstance is, it’s terrible to lose someone you are close to and it impacts us more than we think.

    • Kanye East

      Depends on the crowd, but I don’t think you need to lie (or if that’s too strong a word, minimize or evade or hide your grief or whatever) in order to make other people feel comfortable.

      You do you, and eff the haters.

      • Sutemi

        Definitely +1.
        My father died on New Years days several years ago and when I returned the first person I saw asked me how my long vacation was. Unfortunately, I started crying when I told him that I wasn’t on vacation but had the funeral. No one looked down on me for showing grief at that time.

    • Anon

      I had a similar experience – my uncle passed away very unexpectedly, and the whole holiday period was a mess. I just shrug and say “it was alright. Quiet, I just stayed around.” People at my firm expect that you have sh*tty December holidays anyway due to work so nobody asks further. I don’t want to have to tell anyone as I don’t know if I can keep my composure.

    • Mpls

      I think it depends on how much you want to get into personal stuff with the person you are talking to. If you’re okay talking about it or tearing up in front of that person, by all means, be honest. If you’d rather not talk about it, I’d go with the “December was actually kind of crappy. I’m really looking forward to the new year and the XYZ things I have planned/coming up. Did you have a good holiday?”

      I think the best way to not kill (or to redirect) the conversation, regardless of how you answer about your holidays, is to ask a follow up or open ended question back at the person. I usually default to the question they just asked me if I can’t think of anything else.

  6. Diana Barry

    BTW, everyone, I was watching some Ally McBeal last night (now that I can understand the lawyer jokes, it is a lot funnier!), and two things I noticed:

    1. her skirts are short. Just about as short as we thought they were.
    2. the jackets are GIANT. Really long, really baggy in the sleeves, lots of excess material on the fronts. and
    3. the heels are GIANT and chunky and SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE THAN HEELS NOW!

    Sorry, don’t know how that turned into a vent somehow. I miss those 90s blocky heels in which I could actually walk! :)

    • Diana Barry

      That is, 3 things. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise. Fear – TWO chief weapons. Surprise, fear, and ruthless efficiency – THREE chief weapons!

    • TBK

      I miss those shoes all the time. When I graduated from college, I walked to my first job, in high heels. True, I was 22, but I think if the heels were 4″ stilettos I wouldn’t have done it. 3″ blocky heels, though? Bring it on!

    • Performance and Cocktails

      I guess I missed the memo that blocky heels were forbidden. I’ve bought some GREAT ones this year, e.g. from Miu Miu and United Nude, so it seems to me that they’re in style, you just have to find a pair you like and that fits your price point and workplace. Also a few months ago the fashion mags were full of the “not so high block heel” as being the big in-the-know trend, and I think you can still see that for this coming season, e.g. Louis Vuitton. See this piece in the Guardian – kitten heels OUT, stocky heel IN (http://www.guardian.co.uk/fashion/2012/nov/19/kitten-heels-having-a-comeback)

      There’s also a piece in either Marie Clair or Elle this month on “the power flat”, I tried to Google to find if it was the UK or Canada or US issue (I read all three!!) and there are so many links to “the power flat” that I couldn’t look at them all to find it.

      My blog is about dressing for business travel and work (and sometimes downtime), but my workplace has few rules, so it’s more about creating the impression that I want to make rather than fulfilling the workplace expectations that a lot of Corporette readers seems to be subject to. Hence there’s probably not a lot of point in telling you what shoes I bought, but here’s one link http://performanceandcocktails.com/2012/12/12/russell-and-bromley-x-united-nude/

      Honestly, I don’t see any reason to have shoes you can’t walk in unless you choose them because you love them!

    • Jordan

      Funny I was just thinking about firing up that show on Netflix and re-watching it to see if I would understand the lawyer jokes now. I didn’t even think about the changes in wardrobe over the years. I am going to revisit that idea tonight over some wine and dark chocolates.

  7. roses

    I’m contemplating becoming a Big Sister for my city’s Big Brothers Big Sisters program. Would love to hear about anyone’s experiences with the program.

    • lucy stone

      I’m a lunch buddy big sister, which means I have lunch with my little sister once a week during the school year. I love it and have been with my little for four years.

    • Eleanor

      A couple years after I got out of undergrad, I was a big sister to a nine-year-old girl for a year (it ended when I moved away for law school). I volunteered because I became acquainted with the girl and her family, and they mentioned she had been on the waiting list for a big sister for a while buy hadn’t been matched yet. At the BBBS affiliate where we lived, they picked what they thought would be the best match for each child, regardless of how long the children had been on the waiting list. However, if an adult vollunteered and you requested each other you would be matched, so we did this.

      It was both a good and a bad experience for me. My little sister and her mom both said she really enjoyed and looked forward to our times together, and she really seemed like she enjoyed it. I question how much good it did her – I mean, having someone who cares enough about you to hang out one on one probably helps a kid, but I don’t know if my year with her will cause her to avoid teenage pregnancy or go to college or anything.

      I think requirements may vary by BBBS affiliate, but mine encouraged you to meet once a week, which is more of a time commitment than it sounds like when you’re working full time, or at least I was unprepared for it. Now that I’m a bit older and can manage my time better, maybe it wouldn’t be. One thing I ran into was money issues. Sometimes we would go to the park and play, but often activities involve spending money. I didn’t make much money at the time, but I was young and single and debt-free, so I didn’t have many expenses. My little sister grasped that I had more spending money than her mom, and sometimes seemed to think this meant I could spend money on her without restraint. When I told her we had to limit the number of games we played at the fair or whatever, or that we couldn’t go to dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, she was acquiesced, but usually tested me again the next time (asking me to buy her things, etc.).

      Reading over this (very long! sorry) post, I think that in that situation now, being older, I would be less confused about what was appropriate for a nine-year-old, and more comfortable with my own choices and behavior. I can answer more specific questions, but my TL;DR answer is to make sure you’re up for the time commitment, and try to brainstorm free or inexpensive activities you and she can do, aside from going out to dinner.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been doing it for four years, as well. My Little is in high school now and our relationship has evolved a lot over time. I find it to be a very rewarding experience and I think I am a good stabilizing presence in her life. I can be time consuming, as it is usually several hours on two weekend days per month, but it has been worth it for me. I expect we will be part of each other’s lives essentially forever. It is officially a two-year commitment, but I never looked at it that way and while I wouldn’t discourage anyone from doing this if you’re willing to commit for just the two years, I do think the Littles benefit from believing you’re in it for the long-term. Our activities tend to be more fun than educational. I try to steer toward educational and often get rebuffed. But I make a real effort to have real conversations regardless of whether we are studying or roller skating. We’re planning to do some volunteer projects together this year.

    • CountC

      IME it completely depends on your match. I was really excited to participate and so probably wasn’t as picky about what I was looking for in a match as I should have been. I went into with the attitude that I would be happy to be anyone’s match. In hindsight, this was not accurate.

      I ended up being matched with a 15 year old who got pregnant right around the time we were matched. Not having been pregnant as a teen and having only had one friend who was, I wasn’t able to relate to her about that aspect of her life. I tried to be supportive, but we didn’t really connect.

      The chapter I went through only required us to meet with our little sister once a month for a year. BBBS also tells you to try to find activities that do not cost much money – this is great advice, but hard to put into practice sometimes. My little sister wanted nothing to do with anything that didn’t involve us going out to dinner (and me treating) or me paying for something. I tried to come up with activities to do that didn’t cost money – bake cookies, write letters to the President, etc., but her attention did not last long for these things. I also made the mistake of taking her and a friend to visit my horse one time. I quickly became the “rich” big sister. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me and I did not pursue a relationship after the required year.

      Several months ago I saw that she was arrested for stabbing another teen. She is 18 now, so clearly my mentorship was not successful. I would not do it again. I have found other ways to volunteer my time that I find more beneficial for the recipient and for myself.

    • Vintage Lawyer

      Just want to say that my father was a Big Brother for a young boy whose father was in prison at the time. Many years later when the Little Brother got married, he wrote my father an awesome letter about the difference my father had made in the Little Brother’s life.

    • Anon

      If you are in NYC there is an interesting organization called iMentor, in which the weekly communication between mentor/mentee in online (hence the “i”) combined with frequent in-person events organized by iMentor: http://www.imentor.org. You might want to check that out if a weekly in-person meeting would be difficult for your schedule.

    • JadeMoon

      You can make an important difference in a young person’s life. I went a different route than Big Sisters. A local middle school identified a group of young girls — mostly from a nearby housing project– who were “at risk.” We called ourselves the Lunch Bunch: there were six girls and in one year not one ever missed an afternoon with me.

      I learned alot from them and they from me. I remember at one time feeling really disheartened because no one ever said “thank you” when I dropped them home. Then I realized they hadn’t been taught. So we learned manners, and I explained how it helps you thru life and in getting jobs. We learned about the importance of being on time. We learned it’s always better to be kind than not, and we went thru a lot of sessions about bullying (some girls were bullies, some had been bullied).

      We went everywhere: parks, beach, zoo, movies, walks thru downtown at Christmastime, the Humane Society, the university. They had big eyes for everything new.

      These girls had hard times — parents in jail, welfare, physical abuse, emotional neglect, parental disinterest in their children’s education, etc. And they were so hungry. One time we came to my apartment and I had misplanned and had only one can of tuna. No problem! One pound of mayo later we had seven sandwiches.

      The program stopped when the girls went all to high school. Although there were lots of calls and letters and cards in the beginning, eventually I lost contact. Then, a miracle. I was at an after-school meeting with my son’s sixth grade teacher. As I was leaving, a janitor came running up. It was one of our group, employed, married, with children. She filled me in on everyone and she told me how much I meant to her, how much she learned, and she hugged me and we both cried.

      So, yeah, I recommend mentoring preteen– teen girls. It was one of the best things I ever did.

  8. Gerri (NY Book Club)

    If you’re interested in starting/joining the corpor*tte book club, email me at corpor*tte.gerri@gmail (with an “e” where the * is).

  9. Anon for this

    Relationship TJ: long story short DH has performance anxiety related to TTC. Normally I try to be supportive and reassuring but last night I lost my sh*t! I immediately apologized
    and explained that I’m feeling rejected even though intellectually I *know* that nothing could be further from the truth. Now I am feeling sad and guilty that I have added to his anxiety about such a sensitive topic. He said last night that he could not continue like this and I was too scared to ask him what that meant. FWIW i dont think this is about wanting to have LGPs. he says he wants to, but cant! So what do I do tonight? Bring it up and apologize again? Try makeup s*x? Let it alone until he brings it up? And how do I cope with these terrible feelings while also being supportive?

    • anon for this too!

      TTC sex sucks! It’s so procreative and forced and scheduled. And you have to use the horrible lube that comes in the Retin-A style tube (or so they say — I actually got KTFU using good old water based lube from Good Vibes because I could not stand the clinical lube for even one more night). As for tonight, I would just apologize, and maybe skip this month and focus on doing fun relationship things together instead. Moving forward… I dunno. It’s so awkward. DH and I eventually just started laughing about it and would have the worst sex ever just to get the job done. Perhaps acknowledging to each other that TTC sex is awkward and weird and not as good as your regular sex life would help ease the tension.

    • anon

      I have dealt with this with an ex – not with trying to conceive, but with an inability to um, get the garden hose working during an LGP generally. For me, it was *really* hard not to internalize it (“OMG, I knew I look fat when I’m on top” “He’s just completely unattracted to me” “This is my fault because I’m so bad at BJs,” whatever) and for the first few times, I ended up crying and then feeling worse for making him feel worse.

      I would just bring it up to say, “Hey, babe, I want to apologize for last night. I know it isn’t your fault and it isn’t that you don’t want to. I think I reacted in a way that made things worse, and I’m going to try not to in the future” (and then really try).

      Some things that helped get the lawnmower running – (even though you’re TTC) don’t focus on watering the garden as the be-all-end-all. After all, you don’t want to remember the conception as a stress filled event you both had to force yourselves through. Instead, focus on enjoying each other and enjoying the moment and let him know that if an LGP doesn’t happen that night, it doesn’t happen. Stress/anxiety play a big role, so if he doesn’t feel like he “has” to perform, he might feel like it’s a lot easier to do so. Ask him not to um, water his own plants, for a bit – that can help as well. I always wanted to suggest to my ex to seek medical attention (in a nice way, not a mean way — it seemed concerning to me that a healthy early 20s male had such difficulty), but I never felt comfortable doing that – if you do with your H, that’s worth trying, especially if you’re running on a short fertility clock.

    • eh230

      My thought is that the more you mention it the more he will have anxiety. If you have made the decision to TTC together, and he is comfortable with that decision, then discussing may just make the situation worse for him.

      How involved is he in the TTC process? With my DH, the less he knows the better. Don’t tell him you are ovulating, about your CM, testing, etc., if you can help it. Good luck!

      • Anon

        Not TTC yet, but I think this will be my approach. I can see myself easily getting very obsessed with TTC and wanting to share all the volumes of info I have with my husband, who would probably just feel pressured.

      • OP here

        DH was more “in the know” at the beginning but I have definately been trying to keep him in the dark since this issue has developed, but still he knows when AF arrives, and he knows its roughly two weeks later that he needs to perform.

        He’s been checked medically and doctor just said it was anxiety and gave him some sample pills to try to break the cycle. It worked the first couple of times, but not sure if he is still taking them.

        • Anon for this

          Is he not ready for kids? I thought my DH and I were on the same page, but then he would deliberately NOT have LGPs with me during ovulation. Obviously DH and I have talked it out, but your DH could be not ready subconsciously.

          • anon for this, too

            This is my thought too… my DH was outwardly on board with the idea, but I could see the panic behind the facade. In fact, I can still see it, and we’re going to have a baby soon whether we’re ready or not. I didn’t tell him anything–he knew I charted, knew AF was completely irregular and that I ovulate for many months after stopping the pill, but I didn’t tell him when I’d started again.

            I know this is different for everyone, but I have had zero interest in LGPs throughout my pregnancy because I feel unattractive and gross and my hormones are conspiring against me. I feel terrible about this and really try, but my body just does not cooperate … I think I might feel similar to how your husband does, and it’s not a good feeling. (Sorry, not trying to make you feel worse for saying something to him!)

            My point is, for everyone’s sake, try to take the pressure off BOTH of you, because it might get worse before it gets better again. If you don’t have known fertility issues that require special timing or frequency, maybe consider stopping the “trying” part, and just letting the chips fall as they may.

    • anon

      I could have written this post! Ugh, so frustrating. My DH is totally on board with TTC, but will intermittently have issues with “hose” function during LGPs if he overthinks it. Not regularly enough that he feels he needs to see a doctor, but definitely enough to get me worried/frustrated. My solution thus far has been to basically keep completely mum about all things TTC and focus on lots of affection and attention outside the bedroom. So far, it’s been better now that he doesn’t know TODAY IS THE DAY… even though he also has a general idea of when things should be happening.

      It’s hard not to be stressed, and it drives me crazy that I can’t really talk to anyone IRL about TTC stuff, but I think not bringing it up is helping us. I would maybe do a quick apology for your reaction (something along the lines of… “whoa, definitely out of line last night, I’m sorry honey”) and then let it go unless he brings it up.

      Good luck – know that there are others out there in the same boat (not that this knowledge helps, but still…)

  10. Ru

    I know a lot of people have been going through some rough times and I just wanted to express my gratitude for this community. I have made so many friends here and I don’t know how to say thank you. You kept me sane when I didn’t know what was going on. Really, I didn’t know people like you existed in real life.

    Until I came back to work yesterday. I managed to strong-arm my at-work medical office to clear me to come back and my office was and is so excited to have me back. My bosses told me not to rush too much into work and checked in on me throughout the day to make sure I wasn’t in pain and that I took my medications. They treat me like a daughter, in a very good way.

    So, be heartened. There are good people out there, good workplaces, good coworkers and good bosses. I was always a bit Pollyanna-ish about my job and my expectations have been met and exceeded. It feels so good to be in a unique role, to be needed and wanted and cared for. I wish for all of you to have that. I am very blessed and lucky and I’m passing all this good will on to you.

    Hugs friends.

    • Ellen

      Of course! The same out-goeing HUG’s to you too! Us bee’s in the HIVE must alway’s stick together as best freind’s! And FOOEY on peeople who are not suportive of us. Yay!!!!!

    • Bluejay

      I didn’t know you’d been ill. I hope you’re doing well, and as a professional woman with a chronic illness, I know how you feel and I am so glad you have an awesome, supportive office. Hugs.

    • Jo March

      Yep. It is so nice to be reminded how most people are, in fact, good and caring.

  11. Makeup and Sock Buns

    Is there some efficient way to remember when makeup was purchased/opened, so I know when to throw it away? I only have one toothbrush, so it’s easy to remember to change the head when the seasons change, and I simply write the date on food I put in the freezer and fridge, but I cannot figure out a system for makeup.

    Also, are high sock buns okay for work? I’ve done low ones, and they’re equivalent regular bun (but easier to do). Can I do I high one without looking like a 5 year old off to ballet class?

    • De

      Why not get a small sticker to place on the bottom of each piece of make up? I think you can find stickers small enough to fit on the bottom of an eye shadow (I’m failing to think of the word here, like the little disc thing.)

    • Nonny

      Re sock buns – in general, I think that low buns look far more professional than high buns, in much the same way as low ponytails look more formal/professional than high ones. But YMMV.

    • Yellow

      How do you do the sock buns? I love how they look and have tried watching a couple of the youtube videos but I haven’t been able to get it to work!

      • Esquared

        Yup, I use a sharpie or painters tape. It’s not glamorous… but hey no one’s looking.

    • lawsuited

      I do low sock buns and high sock buns for work on the regular. I’m in my 20s, if that makes a difference.

      • Susie

        I personally think the guidelines are rather ridiculous (3 months for mascara?!). I throw away makeup if the consistency or color changes.

    • Wannabe Runner

      For things that expire, I write the date I’m supposed to throw them out, not the date I opened them.

      But for makeup, I think the so-called expiration dates are made up by the cosmetic industry. I’d only throw them out after a year or six months if you had really sensitive skin or something.

      • Merabella

        This! I don’t believe in those rules at all. I would never keep make-up that has gone rancid/smells weird/has weird consistency, but that has nothing to do with a hard and fast rule of time.

    • Jordan

      I bought some cute duct tape for a halloween costume and I write on it with a fine point sharpie and cut it into the shape. Probably will work until one falls off and gets everything sticky but so far so good. I like that silver sharpie idea though. Perhaps after the duct tape runs out.

  12. Susedna

    Threadjack – Apologies & Acknowledgements

    1. Yesterday’s abortion thread got too long and after the late PM hours, hardly anyone goes back to read, so I thought I’d do this here. My apology to Mary– we’ll probably always disagree on these issues, but I was unnecessarily snarky and you were quite gracious about it.

    2. Acknowledgements — thanks to all in this wonderful community. I have only ever been part of one other community where I was able to discuss and debate such a tough, controversial topic and come away richer for the experience. I love this site and everyone on it.

    3. More acknowledgements — Thank you, Kat for making the 2013 equivalent of the 1890’s Parisian salon where one can have great conversation with interesting folks, on topics both serious and frivolous.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      Love the comparison to the Parisian salon. Now I’m imagining us all sitting and conversing in a room with paintings hung from floor to ceiling on the walls.

    • Eleanor

      What a good comparison; this is like a salon! We cover serious topics and lighter topics, with a fair amount of wit.

      • bgo

        This exactly. I know I am not a super frequent commenter, but I love that this site has both equal advice on the light hearted topics and on the serious ones.

    • Bluejay

      Hi Susedna – just FYI, I saw you asked me a question and I replied to you pretty late last night on that thread.

      • Susedna

        Hi Bluejay!

        I just went back and checked the thread and wanted to thank you for the thoughtful reply. And also, to add that I’m so not surprised that that was your answer– it’s very compassionate and I think of you as a very compassionate person. So, yes, I think you have a compassionate view for how a government would enact such a policy, although it is not a policy I could ever support because of my beliefs.

        I find that government services are often inferior to what’s available on the private market. (Housing, some types of medical care, etc.) It’s not that government services can’t be done well, it’s just that there are some structural reasons as to why it’s hard to do them well.

        But even taking the quality of services off the table, it doesn’t address the part where no matter how goldplated the medical care, food, counseling, whatnot might be given to a woman, it is no salve for the woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant and doesn’t want to give birth, but who will experience the government is controlling her body as if she were a tool or inanimate machine to be used. But those are my beliefs and I would never expect others to share them– I just express them as they’re different from yours.

        As to those who thought I was being superlative when I discussed ways for a government to enforce protection of the unborn, I wasn’t– my hypotheticals were based on what has occurred in history within living memory and within some of our lifetimes.

        Franco’s Spain (1930s-1970s) restricted travel by married women– they needed their husbands’ permission to travel. Enforcing anti-abortion laws could restrict travel to places deemed to be providers of abortion.

        I believe PollyD posted that in Romania (?), women were routinely tested to determine whether they were pregnant in order to prevent them from seeking abortions.

        Recently, in Morgantown, WV, the police had been searching for the mother of a small fetus found in the sewer system: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1q6CULIU8E The reporter noted that it’s not even clear anything illegal under WV law has happened, but the police still want to know who’s the mother. Seriously, I think this is such a chilling thing– to have the police possibly knocking on doors in both residential areas and checking hospital registers to find out who is the mother. I think it’s awful if they interrogated some poor woman as to whether she “merely” miscarried (traumatic enough) or to accuse her of obtaining a possibly illegal abortion.

        The ones who want to severely curtail women’s rights in general would be more than happy to latch onto your beliefs, except they’d focus on the enforcement part, and as much as I believe in your compassionate ideas and nature, Bluejay, I have little faith in theirs.

        • Bluejay

          I don’t disagree with you and I don’t necessarily support making abortion illegal even though I think abortion is always wrong. I certainly don’t support making abortion illegal in this country, with our crazy political climate and patriarchal institutions. Many of the effects of abortion bans are just as bad as abortion itself. Forget the intrusions on personal liberties like travel, which are appalling; abortion bans don’t actually eliminate abortion, they just move it underground and unsafe. That’s why I’m very focused on pregnancy prevention. But as far as the women who find themselves pregnant and don’t want to be, well, if those women ask me for advice I advise them not to end their child’s life. That doesn’t mean I think they are going to hell or should go to prison if they make the wrong decision.

      • Susedna

        Replied to you, Bluejay, but alas, it’s in moderation. But thanks for replying!

    • ss

      Glad you simmered down and posted this. Usually have respect for your feisty tone but the other day’s thread on the controversial topic wasn’t you being your best self.

      • Susedna

        I actually wanted to post in the earlier (main) post, but I was trapped in meetings from 9am-noon, and by then, that main post had gotten huge and I thought the apology/acknowledgement would have gotten lost.

        Then, I was waiting for this thread to show up so I could be one of the first few posts, but that didn’t work out, either. (I’m project-managing something very frustrating right now, with a crap-ton of meetings, so it’s wreaked havoc everywhere.) So I’m relieved that *some* folks saw this, at least.

  13. coco

    Argh. What on earth is a plus-size professional woman to do now that Talbots has made its clothes so frumpy and weird and nobody else seems to be making anything new? I’ve been looking and looking for a new suit or two – basic, well-made, fairly conservative skirt suits that you can buy as separates since I’m different sizes on top and bottom.

    Nordstrom hasn’t had anything new in a while; neither has Macy’s, Bloomingdales, Lord & Taylor, Saks, or Jones New York. Neiman is too hard to shop online – it doesn’t allow you to sort the items in the plus-size section so you have to wade through 644 items to get to the few things you want to see, and none of their (incredibly skinny) models are actually wearing plus-size clothes. I thought Brooks Brothers was making some of its suiting in plus sizes, but it doesn’t look like that’s the case any more. I generally don’t find anything that works for me at Lane Bryant. Land’s End will work for me for tops but generally not for suiting.

    Is there some mystery source out there that I haven’t discovered? Halp!

    • AnotherLadyLawyer

      I don’t know, but I’m with you! I just sent a giant Talbots order back – SO BAD! Not sure about new, but I always wind up with JNY. They’re relatively boring styles, although I did snag a couple of different jackets (rounded neck, tuxedo) a few months ago that I’ve worked into my rotation. I keep eyeing newbies like Eloquii and brands I’ve never tried like Anne Klein, but haven’t gone for it quite yet.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Have you tried Eloquii? I bought a suit and some dresses, skirts, etc there that were pretty good. It is The Limited’s plus-size company. The quality was pretty good and they have free returns (although the return window is pretty short).

      • JessBee

        ELOQUII. Srsly. Maybe not quite as high-quality as Talbots, but a little cheaper, stylish, and there’s always great sales. I have an order sitting in the UPS center right now, and I can’t wait until it gets delivered tomorrow!

    • Dessert Doctor

      I couldn’t agree more! I’m so disappointed in Talbots these days. I’ve ordered some suiting from Eloquii in the past 6 months and have been pretty satisfied with them, although I do wish they had a larger selection of suiting and work-appropriate tops (i.e, classic, not made entirely out of polyester).

    • Legally Brunette

      Check out the Girls with Curves blog. She has amazing style and you might check out her outfits for inspiration and ideas. Not everything she wears is work appropriate, but some of it is.

    • Brant

      I used to work for a VERY well dressed solidly plus size woman. She was in her mid 30s with two young kids, but I think her style would be appropriate for someone a bit younger. Over time, I learned that her go-to stores were Talbots and Kohls (which surprised me), adn I realized that it was really her accessories (glasses & jewelry) that made her outfits/style. And man, she had nice bags.

      Our firm was solidly biz casual, and I just realized you were asking specifically about suiting. But rather than delete the response I figured I”d post in case it is helpful.

    • Coach Laura

      Try Pendleton. They don’t have as much variety as I’d like but the good classic wool suit is a staple.

      • coco

        Pendleton – wow. I could work with that! I would probably shorten most of the skirts – the longer length would make them look frumpy on me – but otherwise I think it fits the bill. Thank you!

        I think I will order a suit from Eloquii as well, although I might wait until the Spring stuff comes out.

        Thanks, all, for the good advice!

        • Coach Laura

          You’re welcome. I find Pendleton to be good quality and they have good sales too. I wish Talbots would go back to their classics, with good quality. I have some classic suits fro 2008 and 2009 that are still holding up in terms of quality but are getting sad. And I can’t relace them with similar quality/style.

  14. petitesq - pet health problems :(

    Ugh. My little kitty is in the equivalent of the kitty ICU, and the doctor is basically preparing us to have to put her to sleep. There’s one more test that may give them one more thing to try, but it’s not looking good. I had to drop her off with my parents (who are about an hour away and near my vet) on Sunday, and that may have to be my goodbye to her. I realize I’m being a complete wuss, but I’m really having trouble bearing the thought of losing my sweet pet, and of not being there to comfort her now, and particularly if they have to put her to sleep. I can’t exactly cry to my very crusty, older male partners about this, but I just want to bawl at my desk. I’m not sure if I need advice on anything specific or just to vent because I can’t cry right now, but UGH. UGH UGH. :(.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Thinking good thoughts for you and your kitty.

    • Susedna

      I’m so sorry– this just sounds so hard.

      *hugs*

      *tea & sympathy* and heck, *vodka & chocolate cake*

      • also anon for this

        vodka and chocolate cake so much better than tea & sympathy.

        i am so, so sorry you’re going through this.

    • Nonny

      Oh dear. I went through something very similar about two years ago. I was completely useless at work. Leave if you can, and go talk to your kitty….people will be more understanding than you think. Love and hugs.

      • bgo

        Oh you poor thing. Honestly the thought of having either one of my sweet cats get sick brings tears to my eyes. If you do need to cry though I will relate this story. About 4 years ago my mom called me at the office to tell me they had to put our family cat down. (a cat I had adopted as a kitten and had tried to “take with me” after I was officially out of school and on my own but he just couldn’t handle it). Even though I knew he was sick it was terrible to not have said good bye and that he was gone. Anyway, I started sobbing, so I closed by office door and then very rude male partner came in without knocking. It was awkward, yes, but he was actually very understanding (and he honestly hates animals). And even he miser that he is, told me to go and be with my mom and mourn the loss of my pet. So I totally agree with Nonny, people are much more understanding about pets than we all tend to think. Sympathy, hugs, love and best wishes. Hopefully you will get to go and see kitty.

    • eh230

      This happened to me on Friday. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I started crying while on the phone to my vet and then just left the office. If you need to go, tell someone that you are having a family emergency, you are!

      My kitty had to be put to sleep, and it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I did not want him to be in pain anymore, however. DH and I bawled all weekend, and we had to try to explain to our 2.5 where his kitty friend was. It was awful. We brought kitty home and laid him to rest in our yard, which helped me in dealing a lot. I stayed with kitty though the whole procedure, and while it was hard, I felt like I owed him the comfort.

      Good luck, and don’t feel bad about taking some time to grieve.

      • Lalo

        My cat is really old (like 18) and has really bad arthritis and I think she had the cat equivalent of a TIA a few months ago. Your post made me bawl my eyes out. I’m so sorry for the loss of your cat.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I am so so so sorry. Having a sick pet and needing to put it to sleep is so hard. You are not being a wuss. Can you go leave early and go see her? A 2-hour round trip for even a few minutes to say a proper goodbye could be worth it. I was a mess and couldn’t do anything the day we had to it our dog to sleep as well as when my cat was in the kitty-ICU. I couldn’t imagine trying to work while dealing with it all.

    • Jo March

      I am so so sorry. All the tea and hugs and sympathy your way. I will be thinking of you.

    • Dessert Doctor

      I am so, so sorry to hear this, and you definitely are not being a wuss about this! Losing a pet is awful, and you are entirely entitled to feel sad about it. Many hugs to you and your kitty.

    • JessBee

      Oh, sweetie. You are not being a wuss. I agree with others — fake sick and get the heck out of there. You’ll still be miserable, but you’ll be able to be miserable in your own way. Hugs to you. :(

    • Plan B

      I’m so sorry about this – and for everyone who has lost a beloved pet. I know how difficult it is!

    • Left Coaster

      As I’m sure you can tell from all the replies, there are many of us here who know how painful this is. To echo a post above, people are more understanding about the illness or loss of a pet than you might think. Take time for yourself and go be with your kitty. I did the same last year when I lost my precious boy, and I do not regret it for a second.

    • TBK

      Oh no! I’m so sorry. That’s really awful. Get out of there if you can, but if you really can’t, just think about how much vets and their staff love animals and know that even if you can’t be there, she’s probably surrounded by very caring people who will keep her as comfortable as possible.

    • Brant

      you never know who will have your back at work. I had someone ask to be pulled out of a Very High Profile meeting for “family reasons” that turned out to be a cat that unexpectedly died. I was totally sympathetic (I have a dog! I can’t even think about 10 years from now when he won’t be around!), and the third member of our team was a huge b!tch about it.

    • MB

      I think more people than you realize sympathize about losing a pet. Even crusty old partners. Anyone that has had a pet understands how much it hurts.

  15. Patent Pending

    I need some advice and encouragement on haircuts. I live in DC and have gone to the Aveda school for $18 haircuts. They are not that great, and my hair looks sort of messy. But they are SO CHEAP! I need to get a hair cut that looks professional. But, I feel ill thinking about paying $60+ for a haircut. Help! How much do you spend? A good haircut is really worth the investment right??? I mean, I buy $120 shoes…but they last more than 6-8 weeks. Thoughts?

    • Cornellian

      I think it depends on your style. Is your hair short? If so, I understand the aversion to expensive haircuts that will grow out in 6-8 weeks.

      If it’s longer, maybe you want to consider switching to a more expensive cut that will last 12 or 16 weeks. I know I’m not supposed to, but since I don’t dye my hair, I often go 4-6 mos. between cuts, as it’s not damages. Sounds like you don’t dye your hair either, so maybe you could go a bit longer between cuts.

    • Bonnie

      A great haircut is definitely worth it and can give you a lot of confidence. Even if your haircut grows out in 8 weeks, a $60 haircut only comes out to a little more than a dollar a day.

    • watchthecityglow

      I go to Bubbles, which isn’t too expensive for me ($40-ish). I’ve gone to the one in Wheaton and in Pentagon City. They do a pretty good job on my long hair (I go a loooooong time between haircuts).

    • locomotive

      I go to salon cielo (the tysons one, although they have multiple locations including in dc) and the cut is about 60$. I really like it though and I only get my hair cut 3-4x a year so it’s not that much.

      • anon

        to clarify: she is the best in part because this $30 haircut lasts 3-7 months.

    • a.k.

      I pay $80 for a full cut, which I get done once every 4 months. Then I go at the 2-month mark for a trim, for which she charges me half-price. It took a while to develop the relationship with the stylist to ask if that was an option, but now that she knows that I always pre-book, and tip well, it’s worked out great.

    • lawsuited

      I pay $80 to get my hair cut, which I justify by telling myself that I save a ton of money because I don’t get my hair coloured. My hairstylist is amazing (as in, people frequently comment on my hair and ask me what salon I go to) and it worth the money and 3 hour drive. I get my hair cut 2-3 times a year because he does a cut that grows out really well.

      I tend spend more on personal grooming (hair, make-up, nails) than I do clothes or shoes, because I reckon it’s what makes you look pulled together no matter what you’re wearing.

    • MB

      A good haircut is absolutely worth it. I have a wonderful stylist and I get compliments on my actual cut frequently (my hair is not that great, but my cut is fantastic). I have longish hair (above the bra strap, below the shoulders) with longer layers and she angles the layers so perfectly. It grows out wonderfully, too, which I think is the sign of a great cut.

  16. anon

    I would love some feedback on a problem I’ve been having, especially from those with adult ADD/ADHD. I have a chronic problem with starting and finishing tasks. I don’t know how else to explain it except maybe that it’s a complete inability to hunker down and just do it. I postpone tasks that I dislike, which creates a lot of anxiety and stress for me as I keep thinking of what I need to do, and how overwhelming it feels. And I frequently finish tasks late, or don’t accomplish them at all, even after investing a considerable amount of time working on them. Without outing myself, let’s just say this has created a lot of problems for me academically, professionally, and in my personal life. I really don’t know what to make of it. Friends and family who know me well get frustrated that I don’t “just do it” and instead torment myself endlessly over things. If it were that simple, I would do it, but it feels like an inability in me or something. Otherwise, I am a hard-working, focused person, high acheiving both academically and professionally in spite of this problem (that has been an issue since high school). I often wonder if perhaps it could be something like ADD, but then I don’t tend to have a problem with focusing once I get going, and I don’t think I have other symptoms of ADD. Most people seem to think it’s a problem with willpower. I am also my own worst critic, and my husband’s opinion is that I create high standards for myself which become an obstacle for me in getting tasks accomplished. But it feels like more than that to me. Does anyone else have this issue? Any ideas? For those with ADD, does this sound at all like that? If so, how does one go about finding someone to screen for ADD? What is the diagnosis based on – is it jsut a questionaire? Is it costly do have the screening done? This issue is creating a lot of problems in all aspects of my life and it feels like it’s just something that I can’t resolve on my own. Thanks so much for any advice.

    • De

      So……you just described me. To a tee.

      I was diagnosed with ADD my junior (maybe?) year of college, took Straterra, and it really, really made a difference. I was on it for a bit in law school, and it just helped so much. I’m not on it now, and I do everything you listed above. However, I have no idea if that’s because of or just a common trait we both have!

      Anyway, when I inquired, I went to my PCP, filled out a short questionairre and discussed it, and then began the medication. Pretty simple really, but it will probably depend on your state. When I lived in FL the laws were alot more lax than when I lived in NY, I had to go to the dr. for a new rx each month in NY.

      I can’t explain why I do the things you do too, but it’s almost like I hate myself for it when I do, and I know it can be hard.

      • anon

        Wow, really? I’ve never met anyone who has this issue. I’m really nervous about taking medication, unless I’m 100% sure that this is the problem. But you found that medication really helped? Did you have any side effects? Thanks for replying, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.

        • De

          To be honest, if it was an assignment in school that was really cool and exciting, of course I could get to it, but for the most part, I put things off. Professionaly. Personally. Around the house. I have a really, really hard time focusing and staying on task at work (look at that I am on this site AGAIN!) But I was actually just thinking to myself this morning “De, why can’t you just DO the report? Just actually get through the stuff you need to get through?” Instead I go as slow as possible, it’s like I’ve dug my heels into the ground, and half of me is trying to drag the other half over the finish line. Is that what you mean?
          I did have side effects, some common, others not so much. Of course, everyone’s a little different, and if it weren’t for the expense, I’d be on it right now I think (not that it is expensive under all insurance plans, under my former it was very affordable, under my current no so much.)
          If nothing else, going to talk to your dr couldn’t hurt, right?

          • anon

            OP here. Thank you to those who have replied. It’s mostly with things I don’t want to do, or actually more like things I *want* to accomplish but that are not enjoyable, or are challenging. It just seems that looking at the task, I’m at the bottom of a mountain that I have to climb, and it seems insurmountable and overwhelming. Obviously, I have been successful academically and professionally despite this issue, so I do have some coping mechanisms that help, but it is a constant struggle. I do try to break projects up into small pieces, etc. but it feels like so much more than motivation issues or procrastination. I’ve failed to complete even tasks that were realy crucial for my future well-being, for no other reason than I simply could not make myself do them. Yet I will spend hours and hours very focused on other things, am very detail-oriented and thorough. I feel like I’ve managed to hide it because I am otherwise hard working, and the quality of my work is very good once/if it gets done. But it’s becoming more and more of a problem, especially for tasks where I only answer to myself. I will look into the suggested books (thank you) and try to talk to a doctor, although I do feel like I would like to be sure that this is actually the problem before taking meds.

          • Anon too

            Oh my gosh, you are describing me too! Every single thing you said is me too. I never even really thought of ADD, because it’s not like I can’t concentrate when it’s something I want to concentrate on (like reading a good book). Honestly, I have to say that I’d be very reluctant to try any medication for this. I do know that there are lots of people who have very legitimate problems that medication really does help with. But I also feel like in today’s society, everyone wants to label things as a disorder and find some magic pill. If only you can find the right label and the right pill, then all your problems will magically be solved! I really have to fight against that way of thinking, because that’s what held me back on weight loss for many, many years — the notion that there was some perfect diet or solution out there, and if I could just find it, then all would be well. In fact, it turns out that if you just eat less, you will lose weight. I’m trying to bring that same kind of thinking to my procrastination/lack of concentration problem, though I’ll confess that I’m still struggling with it.

        • Me

          You have never met anyone who has this issue because we try to cover up as best we can (but you already knew that.)

          You’ve described me, as well. I tried one ADD medication and it does help; it also has side effects that I’m not thrilled with. I can’t ‘find’ the right word for things from time to time, make more typos than normal and get headaches once the medication wears off. I must be too lazy to schedule a follow up appointment with my Dr.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve read them both so I’m sorry that I can’t remember which one it was, but either The Now Habit by Neil Fiore or The Power of Habit has some good advice on “willpower” and procrastination issues. You might want to check those out as well as investigating the potential ADD issue.

    • Eleanor

      Erm…yes. I do this all the time, and also have done so since high school. It has also created problems for me academically and at work, although nothing insurmountable. I have always chalked it up to garden variety procrastination, although more severe than most people. At least for myself it doesn’t seem like ADD, since I only have this problem with tasks I dislike, am confused about, or am afraid of. I don’t procrastinate on sitting down to read a book I enjoy. I also don’t have problems focusing on anything other than the above-mentioned tasks (those involving fear, confusion, or dislike).

      I haven’t found a perfect way to deal with this. I give myself pep talks, I make lists, and I try to put pressure on myself so I’ll get things done. I don’t have any real advice, but you are definitely not alone.

      • Turtle Wexler

        This is me, exactly, although it started for me in college and got really bad in law school. I still regularly chide myself for not having worked harder and more efficiently in law school, because while I did pretty well as it was, I know I could have done REALLY well if I’d just buckled down. Totally counterproductive at this point, as there’s nothing I can do about it. But it still happens in both my personal and professional lives, and objectively I know that I’m being bad, but I still can’t stop procrastinating. Sigh.

    • Ru

      I am this way, too, and I probably should get evaluated but I like to pretend that other medical reasons are at fault. It doesn’t help that I can hide it and usually charm my way out of most situations. Once I get my other business together, I’ll ask my pcp for an evaluation (hellooooooo procrastination).

    • Greener Apple

      I’m not really sure how consistent any tests for ADHD are–it depends, I think, on the doctor you see. Mostly I remember it being a ton of questions about what I was like as a kid, how I got through the day, how I got through school, how I felt in social situations.

      The ADHD question came up a lot with doctors and teachers when I was a kid. I didn’t start on meds until I was an adult, though–and even then I only started after trying a lot of other behavioral strategies that didn’t work and after it was hard to ignore that I hadn’t outgrown it.

      I’m on Concerta, which helps me be more interactive/less twitchy-irritable than I otherwise am. It really helps me sleep, too. I’m not sure that it helps me be more productive–it’s not like what I hear from people who take something so they can pull an all-nighter. I don’t suddenly develop the motivation to power through projects.

      I know some people find GTD and Pomodoro helpful. I still use a lot of Cal Newport’s advice on how to structure your time. A lot of that is just practice, though: just sitting there and forcing myself to develop the muscle memory for it. So, even on Concerta, I have a life coach who keeps me on track. I think it is worth the investment. ‘

      Running helps the most, so I go a few miles every morning to keep myself from being fidgety all day. But short of going to work for a company like Patagonia (every adhd kid’s dream job, maybe?), it’s not enough for me. It’s just that if I can hit that sweet spot where my head clears, then I am definitely a lot more focused on everything else I need to get done that day. It’s a lot easier to get in the zone, as it were.

      Not sure if any of that is helpful! Hope you find something that helps :)

      • anon

        Hmm, thanks for this. I’m not really fidgety at all, and have no trouble sleeping. Not a lot of the other symptoms of ADD either, so it really makes me wonder.

        • Greener Apple

          I went and looked up the name of one of the books my mom said was helpful for her, when she was trying to figure out what to do with me–it’s Driven to Distraction. Have you read that one?

          It includes a lot of case studies, if I remember correctly, describing the symptoms experienced by a variety of patients (different ages/backgrounds/etc). I’m not sure that I remember what the official symptoms are, but I am pretty sure that is the book that really details just how different the symptoms can be.

        • BlueToo

          You mentioned perfectionism, which may be part of it. If something has to be done *perfectly*, even only in your subconscious, it becomes a huge burden.

          The ‘creating high standards for yourself’ aspect can build up into a paralysing situation where even a small task is part of something bigger that you expect of yourself – being a person who keeps house perfectly, being a person completely in control of their finances, whatever. It’s not about the task, it’s about the person you feel you ought to be – or a fear of failing to be that ideal person.

          • Homestar

            Perfect is the enemy of good. A hard lesson for many of us on this board, I think, but true. If you wait for something to be perfect, it will never get done. Good enough is better than not done at all.

        • Anon too

          Anon, you got me thinking more about this issue and doing some reading. The description of adult ADD doesn’t fit me either, at all. But I do also have a fair bit of anxiety, on a regular basis. I wasn’t particularly seeing a connection between the anxiety issue and the procrastination issue, but then I started thinking about that more. Inability to concentrate is one of the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder, so if you have any anxiety issues, you might want to try reading the description of that and see if it seems closer. The Mayo Clinic website had a good description I thought. I’ve talked to my doctor before about anxiety and she’s suggested I might want to try medication; I told her I’d wait a bit and see if things have improved. I thought I could just talk myself out of being anxious, but if it’s also contributing to my inability to focus and get things done, then I might be willing to go down that road.

          • Seattle Freeze

            This is a really, really important point. Perfectionism + anxiety = procrastination. Add chronic pain to this equation and nothing. gets. done.

          • anon

            Thanks, good point. The more I read the more I think I need to go talk to someone.

          • n.

            Anxiety was my first thought when I read OP’s post, too. My productivity at work has markedly increased after getting treatment for my anxiety, which was not something I was expecting. I think I’m now less likely to get into the sneaky freak out spiral where I avoid something unpleasant/scary, freak out about the fact that I’m doing something clearly destructive for my career by avoiding it, berate myself for not doing it well enough or not doing it at all, find myself even more incapable of getting things done because I’m even more freaked out now, and so on. Perfectionism *absolutely* adds to this problem, but it’s easier to let go of the perfectionism when you have the anxiety in check.

          • anon for this

            Ladies, just wanted to thank you for this discussion. I had never considered the anxiety-perfectionism-procrastination cycle as anything other than a personal moral failing. hearing that other people experience it has opened up a window to a healthier way of thinking

  17. anon

    Talbots plus tailoring? I get a lot of dresses from Talbots and I have them all tailored, but am usually really happy with them after the tailoring. I have been wearing a lot of Talbots in the last four years and am really happy with it overall (maybe I’m just a frumpy dresser! That’s totally possible). For others, I like the Sejour brand at Nordstroms as well. This is kind of an off-beat suggestion, but what about Jessica London? I actually bought a suit from their website (in maternity plus!) and was surprised by how nice it was — fully lined and everything. Again, tailoring might be key.

    But I agree with you and feel your pain. I also think that suits are seasonal in plus sizes. Stores tend to have a lot in their fall collections and virtually nothing in their spring collections. I don’t get that at all, but I’ve noticed it.

    • lawsuited

      +1

      I never quite understand the posts about being finding nothing good at Talbots, but I realise now it’s because I tailor all my work clothes so probably have lower standards about fit and really only care about colour/fabric/finishing, etc. which Talbots does pretty well.

  18. Jules

    To the anon who is jealous of my relationship with my secretary:

    I’m lucky, yes; my secretary will always go the extra mile, sometimes literally. Once, she had to drive two hours round trip to bring me a negotiations file that I stupidly left on my desk. She will whip out a lint roller if I’m about to walk into a meeting with cat hair on my suit, and she definitely will tell me if I’ve got spinach in my teeth or a dangling hem. Candidly, her actual secretarial skills leave a lot to be desired – she cannot spell at all (“the contract states impertinent part . . .”), is famous for malapropisms (when our super-shy new IT guy finally became more friendly, she said “he’s really coming out of the closet!”) and admits that she has no “inside voice.” So, she sometimes drives me up the wall. However, I’d rather have to proofread my documents extra-carefully and have someone whose heart is in the right place and who will do anything she can to help me than work with a faster typist who just doesn’t care.

  19. a.k.

    PSA: The Ulmon travel apps for Chicago, Munich and Prague are free today for iphone and ipad. I know there was talk recently about trips to Prague – happy travels!

  20. Writer

    Does anyone do any freelance writing full time or on the side? If you don’t mind sharing, how did you find your position and do you have any recommendations for others interested in freelancing? TIA!

    • Greener Apple

      What type of writing?

      For me, it’s mostly just networking. I started when I was still in college and needed something to do, and went freelance again after I figured out that working in an office every day was not going to be a very successful career path. My first clients were people I’d worked for already; now, it’s mostly referrals, or clients I’ve had for some time.

      I like it because it’s a bit of an adrenaline rush in a way that working out of an established company wasn’t.

    • sdchicky619

      Hello, fellow writer! I am a full-time copywriter at a marketing agency and I also have a freelance contract on the side. The freelance gig sort of fell in my lap – someone I used to work with contacted me out of the blue after he started his own firm.

      Recommendations (besides waiting for something to fall in your lap): I have a friend who is constantly picking up freelance writing jobs via Craiglist postings. And although I’ve never used elance.com, I’ve always been curious about it.

    • anon

      I’ve done a lot of freelance writing. I started when I was working as an editor, but my job was boring, so I looked into other ways to advance my skills and experience and earn money at the same time. It was a side gig for me. There are a lot of great resources online. I would check out the Urban Muse Writer’s blog (search the archives, I’m not sure how active it is now) for tips on getting started and Kelly James Enger’s blog Dollars and Deadlines. Oh and Linda Formichelli’s blog (I think it’s called Renegade Writer). Book recommendations: Query Letters That Rock and Six Figure Freelancing. I would never want to freelance full time because of the financial uncertainty involved, but I encourage you to go after it! It’s an emotional rush to get assignments and it can definitely advance your confidence and skills career-wise. You’ll face a lot of rejection but that’s just part of the deal. I landed on-going magazine article assignments and blogging gigs without having any inside connections, and I bet you could too.

  21. TO Lawyer

    So embarassed – am frustrated and overwhelmed at work and a little emotional because my SO just left and I almost broke down in my boss’ office. Didn’t actually cry but he could definitely tell I was on the verge of tears. I’m more upset at myself because I never want to cry in front of a superior…

    He was venting about something (at me) that wasn’t my fault (a problem file well before I was even in law school) and I just couldn’t take it today.

    Sigh

    • rosie

      I in a LDR throughout law school, I know how crappy that feels when you’ve just said goodbye. Even once we were living together, one time my SO went away for a little over a month, and I spent some quality time crying to my dog.

  23. Jo March

    Stuck in moderation and trying again: Man, do you ladies ever rock. It helps me so much to have this support from people who I’ve never even met but think I’m doing awesome. It is a big boost to my state of mind.

    I have decided to try to follow Saacnmama’s devil’s advocate advice and go with the idea that we’ve put enough supports into place to keep me calm for a while.

    I’ve now learned that a mental health nurse will be visiting twice a week, which is a huge relief. In the meantime, I will keep researching, keep trying to convince her to think about assisted living, keep working on getting her doctor to talk her into the new living situation. Because at the end of the day, there is only so much I can do. It does not help anyone for me to fall apart completely. If another crisis happens because she won’t listen, well, hopefully it’s not as/more serious and will just give me ammunition for the next time around.

    I’m not sure if I’m being defeatist/fatalistic or realistic/stoic, but it’s getting me through the day without panic attacks, so I figure I’m doing something right…

    And for those of you that have been emailing me/responding with supportive comments, I am so so grateful. It really means so much to me. I am constantly amazed at how caring and awesome this community is – and Professor Bhaer agrees and thanks you guys too :)

    • saacnmama

      I’m flattered and sure hope it works. Even if it doesn’t, it sounds like you’ll have research behind you and be able to react on your feet more quickly if she has another problem.

      We’re all pulling for you!!

  24. SV in House

    Fun question (I think): My 8 year old daughter has to do a “research project” on an Influential Woman. She gets to identify three possibilities and the teachers will pick one — I assume so everyone is doing someone different. She loves Harry Potter and The Mouse and the Motorcycle, so I suggested JK Rowling and Beverly Cleary. My other ideas — Amelia Earhart, Sandra Day O’Connor — seemed a bit dry. Ideas?

      • anon

        How about Elizabeth Blackwell, the first woman doctor? If she’s into Egypt, she could do Cleopatra or Hatshepsut (there are good kid fictionalizations of her life). I’d vote for Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Carrie Chapman Catt, or any of the great early suffragettes.

        If she likes Harry Potter, maybe she could read one of the women authors whose works influenced Harry Potter and trace the connections. My thought was the woman who wrote all the boarding school books, but I can’t remember her name.

        • hellskitchen

          Did you mean Enid Blyton? She was the queen of boarding school books

          • anon

            Yes! Enid Blyton.

            Also, if anyone is still reading, there was a great book that I read as a kid called, “She Led the Way.” Each chapter was a short biography of a famous woman. It was really influential for me.

          • anon

            Sorry, it’s called “They Led The Way,” and it’s by Johanna Johnston. (Yes, I did just look it up!)

    • KinCA

      Oh, this is fun! Susan B. Anthony, Eleanor Roosevelt, Abigail Adams, Sally Ride, Marie Curie, Clara Barton….just off the top of my head. I was a bit of a history/women’s studies nerd as a child.

    • InfoGeek

      Science:
      Marie Curie
      Ada Lovelace, Countess of Lovelace (Lord Byron’s daughter and friend of Charles Babbage, she’s credited as the first computer programmer)
      Henrietta Lacks (maybe no good material for an 8 year old? but a cool story of how she’s influential even though she didn’t *do* anything)
      Rosalind Franklin (one of 3 people who discovered DNA structure)
      Dian Fossey
      Jane Goodall
      Sally Ride

      Politics
      Condaleeza Rice
      Hillary Clinton
      Margaret Thatcher
      Madeleine Albright

      Art
      Georgia O’Keefe
      Mary Cassatt
      Grandma Moses
      Martha Graham (modern dance)
      Twyla Tharp (choreographer)
      Isadora Duncan

      Sports (what sports does your daughter like? There are many more influential athletes….)
      Serena Williams
      Danica Patrick

      Medical
      Clara Barton
      Florence Nightingale
      Emily Blackwell

      Other
      Maria Montessori (education)
      Martha Stewart
      Rosa Parks

      Actresses
      Nichelle Nichols (played Uhura in Star Trek)

    • DCM

      My favorites are Alice Paul or Hapshetsut. Also Boudica, she rose up against the Roman Empire in Britain but may have too traumatic a story for her.

    • saacnmama

      How ’bout someone in your life or town? A politician she’s heard of, or someone who runs a business she knows about? I’m guessing that a couple of newspaper articles would suffice as research for an 8 yr old.

    • Legally Red

      Very late, but I love the History Chicks podcast (on iTunes or thehistorychicks [dot] com. So many fascinating stories!

    • lawsuited

      No one has said Oprah Winfrey! I realize she’s not a historical figure, but she influenced hundred of thousands of viewers everywhere. My mother read the books from her book club, learned about anti-oxidents from her Dr. Oz shows, and still says “the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour” a la Dr. Phil.

    • Niktaw

      Indira Gandhi
      Golda Meir
      Ella Fitzgerald
      Agrippina Vaganova (founder of a ballet training system)
      Grace Hopper
      Anna Wintour

  25. zora

    MATT BOMER ALERT!!!

    Srsly, TCFKAG (and anyone else) Shirtless Matt Bomer on The New Normal episode this week, it ‘s on Hulu Right. Now! Ddrrrrrroooooooollll…..

  26. Anon

    I am just starting to study for the GMAT and I was wondering if I could get some advice on how to proceed. I feel so overwhelmed by all the options/books availble and I don’t want to waste time with a method that isn’t any good. Can you ladies please advise me on some study strategies that worked for you, what are considered the best books for GMAT study, and who are considered to be the best prep test companies?

    Thanks!!!

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions