Suit of the Week: Boss

Update: This item is now part of the big Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale that just started — check out all of our 2018 NHYS picks

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Happy Wednesday! I’m not usually one for pinstriped suits, but this suit looks absolutely fabulous. I love the high, round neckline and lack of collar, along with the double peplum and pockets lower down. The print itself isn’t what I would call a true pinstripe with a thin, crisp line but rather a chalky hint of a stripe throughout the jacket, which I like because I think it makes it more versatile. The jacket (Jasyma Stripe Wool Suit Jacket) is $595, and the skirt (Titana Stretch Wool Trousers) are $285. There’s also a matching sheath dress.

Looking for something more affordable that also comes in plus sizes? Here’s a navy pinstriped option at Talbots.

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Love this chalky striped suit for women -- modern but classic at the same time!


  1. How do you tell the difference between impostor syndrome and having a job that genuinely isn’t a great fit for you personally? I was promoted last summer. The job is both exactly and not at all what I expected. I’ve been around my org for a long time and thought I knew what I was getting into. I really miss being a senior-level individual contributor. This is my first management job and I’m not enjoying the leadership role as much as I expected. Part of that is because of some organizational changes above me, but also that it just doesn’t feel very natural to me and the tasks aren’t as enjoyable. I dread leadership meetings because I feel outmatched/outclassed/not as smart as everyone else in the room. I don’t enjoy being ultimately responsible for my team, and I hate the politics swirling around me. I really miss being more of a project manager/awesome contributor who gets stuff done. But I’ve been in a leadership role for less than a year, so maybe that’s to be expected? By all accounts, I’m doing well in my role. I’m just not enjoying it very much and feel like I’m faking it. The sad part is that if I decide this isn’t for me, I can’t move back to my old one and will have to start over some place else. Which is appealing in some ways but ugh, what a mess.

    • The feelings of inadequacy sound like imposter syndrome, especially since you say you’re being told you’re doing well–“doesn’t feel very natural to me,” “feel outmatched/outclassed/not as smart,” “don’t enjoy being ultimately responsible for my team,” “feel like I’m faking it.”

      On the other hand, it’s OK to genuinely enjoy a contributor role more. Some people would rather “do” than “lead,” and some people would rather be able to stay out of the politics. But I’d give it more time and work on reframing what success looks like as a manager vs. an individual contributor. Ask A Manager has a lot of good posts on this, so apparently this feeling is very common.

    • Any recommendations for a potential 3-4 day getaway to Key West in March, specifically recommendations where to stay? First vacation without kids in more years than I can count.

    • Wow, are you my boss? This sounds exactly like what happened at my company after a mass exodus last summer of great leadership personnel due to some terrible politics and organizational changes above us all. My boss was promoted from a senior level analyst to the manager of a larger team of analysts and it’s obvious she isn’t into it. My piece of advice to her at least is that managing people isn’t for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes moving up to a management position steers you away from the job functions you once loved and all of a sudden all you do at work is sit in meetings. We all notice that she isn’t into it – we love her but we view her as more of a mom than we do a boss. My second piece of advice (to my boss) is that I would love for her to be more confident. I hate the way the (mainly male) senior leadership team treats her. She is very accomplished and knowledgeable about our industry and has been working in it for a very long time – don’t let anyone make you outclassed and speak up in meetings when you’re feeling undermined. You should post this again tomorrow morning for more replies but ultimately you sound unhappy with the politics and I think if you miss the work you previously did, you should seek that work elsewhere.

  2. Carry on suitcase? :

    I’m about to pull the trigger on one of these newfangled Away suitcases but I wanted to check here and see if anyone had used one of these/if they’re worth the hype/if anyone dearly loved a different spinner carry-on with neat features and wanted to share.

    • Anonymous :

      I like it a lot. I think it rolls great and the charging feature is invaluable for me. I will say that I’m surprised how easily it scuffs. I’ve had it less than a year and used it exclusively as a roadtrip/carry-on bag (so no abusive airline baggage handlers) and it looks pretty beat up. Some of the marks do come off with soap and water, but just using soap and water will not return it to a “like new” state. I haven’t tried more drastic cleaning or polishing methods. So if you care a lot about appearances, I would get a different bag. If you only care about function, it’s a great choice.

    • I can’t speak from experience, although didn’t certain airlines just announce that you can’t fly with bags that have lithium batteries? Maybe research that. Also, if space is a factor, I would rather have the extra space and not a batter pack since most planes now have plugs. I have a Delsey titanium carry on and it’s great. I love the attached lock, it’s expandable but still compliant with size, lightweight and under $100. It’s been on 8 trips with me so far, domestic and international, checked and carried on.

      • Anonymous :

        The battery in the Away suitcase is removable, so if you have to check it you can remove the battery.

    • I have put mine through fifteen months of heavy use- four flights a week, freqent gate checking, dragging it up stairs, etc. It’s scuffed but otherwise holding up just fine. I can kneel on it to zip it when it’s overstuffed, and the zipper closes well. I sloshed through two syracuse ny blocks this morning, and all the slush wiped right off- had I had a fabric suitcase, my bag would have been wet. I dont miss having external pockets at all, and I like the perfectly flat top, for resting my personal bag on in the airport.
      The handle is a little wiggly, and it’s tough to push through thick carpet, so I pull it behind me in hotel hallways and in airports like PDX.
      I use the charger less frequently than I thought I would, although it’s totally saved me a few times. I LOVE the locking mechanism on top for the zippers.

    • Buy a Briggs & Riley. LIFETIME warranty, even for airline damage. I love mine. My friend visited me with an away, and I also noted it looked really scuffed. I love my B&R. WORTH IT.

      • Anon at 2:55 :

        The Away has a lifetime warranty too and for all I know they would clean or replace it whenever it gets scuffed. I haven’t contacted them about it because I don’t really care.

      • Agree. I have Briggs and Riley and it’s amazing. I travel 80% for work and it has held up like a champ. Had some fraying from rough handling by the airlines and they patched it up, under the lifetime warranty. Also, a lot of luggage makers exclude damage caused by the airline or baggage handling from warranty work and Briggs and Riley doesn’t.

  3. Anonymous :

    So I have a question for those who believe Aziz assaulted Grace — do you think he should lose his job/career? Because I believe Spacey, Weinstein, Louis CK, etc. have very rightfully lost their jobs and careers for assaulting people or harassing people they had professional influence over, and if you believe Aziz committed assault it seems like a logical extension that he should too. But while I think “sleaze” or “jerk” are absolutely fair descriptors of Aziz based on this story, I find it really hard to wrap my head around the idea that a man should lose his job for trying to coerce a woman he has no professional relationship with into s*x.

    • Anon Lawyer :

      I have wrestled with this question. I guess where I am leaning is that I’m a lot less likely to listen to his “woke bae” stand-up because it just seems more disingenuous but I’m not going to avoid anything he’s in.

      • Anonymous :

        +1. It’s relevant to his career because a lot of hit bits have the punchline “don’t be a douche, man!”. Which isn’t going to work anymore. My prediction is that he will be radioactive for a limited time. He can probably still use his wits as a writer, but somebody else will stand in the spotlight to deliver his funny lines…

      • Anonymous :

        We have no idea how many other women have felt the way Grace did with him, but my instincts say she’s not the first. It’s extremely troubling behaviour and I will never support his work again. I mean, a man who thinks it’s ok to pressure a woman into sex or continue forcing himself on her is not the kind of guy who should be writing dating advice books.

        • Anonymous :

          I have to say that I actually got the vibe from his dating book (and to a lesser extent from his comedy) that he has both no game and no use for women that don’t immediately go to bed with him. Nothing in this story was surprising to me.

          • anon for this :

            I had heard this about him in a friend of a friend of a friend kind of way before this story came out, so that part of it is probably true.

          • Anonymous :

            I knew a lot of guys like this in college – sensitive, nerdy, professed to be “nice guys” who were respectful of women but actually weren’t. A lot of them had had very limited dating experience or success with women pre-college and had a huge chip on their shoulder about it. I literally applauded in the theater at that scene in The Social Network where the girl breaks up with Zuckerberg and tells him “You’re going to go through life thinking girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. I want you to know that’s not true – it’s because you’re an a$$hole.” It just resonated with me SO much because I feel like I know so many guys who hid behind their nerd status and used it as an excuse for why women didn’t like them, when really they were just not good guys. I obviously don’t know him personally but everything I’ve heard about Aziz makes me think he fits that type.

      • I think this is where I’m landing too. (And for the record, I don’t think what he did was assault, but I do think it was disrespectful, objectifying, and wrong.)

        • Anonymous :


          • +2. I told my dad about this story, and he pointed me to the FULL story @ He was disguisted with that guy’s attitude and behavior, and said that no one should be forced to go to a guy’s apartement to take of their clothe’s, and then all of a sudden, turn their head around to find this guy’s s-xueal organ stareing them in the eye, and have this guy demand oral s-x. FOOEY! Personaly, I would have probably have gone to see his apartement, but men think that once youre up there that they will automatically get s-x, or at least get you to do what she supposedly did. FOOEY on that. OF COURSE She DID feel pressured! How else could any of us describe finding a guy’s PE***IS right at our eye/mouth’s level? How GROSS is the thought that this guy, after becoming smelley and sweatey all day, all of a sudden has us turn around and then forces that thing in our face and demands we do se-xueal stuff with that thing with our mouths? TRIPEL FOOEY!

            I think the HIVE should first read the FULL story, directly from her. Dad say’s after you read it from the horses mouth, we think you will agree. Here is the LINK:


        • Anonymous :


    • No, I don’t, and I think it’s unfortunate that it was published.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s unfortunate that a woman wanted to speak up and share her experiences with a sleaze?

        • Anonymous :


          • Another Anon :

            Might want to take a page from Matt Damon and reconsider your views. It’s not just the worst of the worst cases that need to be heard.

          • Anonymous :

            Women would break the internet if we all did, because we all have at least one of these stories. And no one cares. Yes, let’s educate men, but let’s also educate women.

          • layered bob :

            “We all have at least one of these stories” – I’ve seen this a lot, here and elsewhere, and I just want to point out that “we” DON’T all have one of these stories. I’m from a devout religious background and most of my friends/larger community are devout religious folks. The vast majority of us have never had any dates or relationships like these.

            We’ve had other problems – shaming around s e x u a l behavior, feeling valued only for our “purity,” and of course probably the standard rates of sexual assault and harassment – but it astounds me that so many women think “this is how men are” or have these kinds of experiences repeatedly. Since in my, and many other religious communities, we don’t have s e x until we’re married, (or at least are pretty careful about our relationships), we only ever have s e x with people who understand us and with whom we are already good at communicating. I know a lot of people think that’s nuts but secular s e x u a l ethics are clearly leading to a lot of heartache and hurt, and I’d offer that religious communities have much to contribute in the way of affirming healthy relationship norms for women and men.

          • nasty woman :

            I’m glad that you’ve never had a similar experience. I certainly don’t begrudge you a system that works for you, and I’m not trying to pick a fight about religious communities v. secular communities (I swear!). But I take issue with a few things. First, this:

            “I know a lot of people think that’s nuts but secular s e x u a l ethics are clearly leading to a lot of heartache and hurt[.]”

            No, it’s not secular s*xual ethics. It’s people not respecting consent. Pressuring someone for s*x isn’t something that’s permitted by secular people because they’re secular. There’s nothing secular about that. These actions would be just as wrong in a marriage where the couple was religious and abstinent beforehand as they would in a hookup between secular college kids.

            “I’d offer that religious communities have much to contribute in the way of affirming healthy relationship norms for women and men.” Okay… but first you said this: “We’ve had other problems – shaming around s e x u a l behavior, feeling valued only for our “purity,” and of course probably the standard rates of sexual assault and harassment.” Sorry, but story doesn’t check out.

        • I think there are a lot of issues with how it was published, regardless of whether you think it was assault (I don’t). Starting with the fact that the writers sought her out and including the way that it was written (Jezebel had a good piece about all this). At some point the level of needlessly salacious detail starts to feel no different than looking at naked celeb pictures but while simultaneously getting to feel morally superior for doing so.

          • Anonymous :

            “At some point the level of needlessly salacious detail starts to feel no different than looking at naked celeb pictures but while simultaneously getting to feel morally superior for doing so.”

            Yes, this. There was so much more detail in that story than in any of the previous articles that I felt so gross and voyeuristic reading it. I was just waiting for her to describe the physical details of his anatomy.

          • Yep. This.

          • nasty woman :


        • It’s unfortunate, to me, that this is the kind of thing that can get published just because he is a celebrity. It’s unfortunate, to me, that it fuels the critics of the me too or time’s up movements in their argument that feminists call all s3xual conduct assault.

      • I don’t think he needs to lose his job, but I absolutely 100% support women in sharing stories like this publicly. If he wants to act like a pig, so be it, but he should have no expectation that stays private. I’d never, ever want to go on a date with Aziz based on this account, and perhaps I would have otherwise had the opportunity arisen.

        • Anonymous :


        • Do you think anyone has an expectation of privacy on a date ever? What if it was the other way around some guy published a really detailed account about how he felt used by a woman and included all sorts of personal details about how she acted, looked, etc. I don’t mean to suggest that women, or this woman, should be able to say any of this, but with social media giving people a platform that was unimaginable even a few years ago, I am genuinely curious at where one draws a line. Maybe this is not the best case/context to have this discussion. But I don’t know that I am comfortable with the notion that one loses all expectation of privacy if someone else happens to feel mistreated.

      • This is where I’m at. There is too much “he said, she said” in this particular story. Actually, there wasn’t much “he said” in the original article at all, which I think is problematic. I believe that he was pushy and made her uncomfortable, but I’m not totally comfortable calling it assault. I’m having a hard time articulating this in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m blaming the victim — because believe me, I think he did plenty wrong in this situation — but the whole story feels off to me and more like a consensual s#xual encounter gone wrong.

        • Anonymous :

          To me, just being uncomfortable isn’t a crime. That’s how you learn where your boundaries are and what not to do next time. It feels a little bit like trigger warnings issues at college and wanting to opt out of discussion/books that made a student uncomfortable.

          I feel like there is such a mix-match of expectations, not just between genders, but individual expectations about how interpersonal encounters are supposed to go. Societal “rules” got upended and we haven’t agreed on how to replace them.

      • +1.

      • I had a situation like this in college. There was a nerdy guy, Joel, who always stared at me, but never even approached me. Over time I felt sorry for Joel b/c I knew he had NEVER been with a woman, so I told him he could be my freind (platonic). He seemed to be good with that and for a week, he followed me around like a puppy dog, platonically. But in about a week, Joel and I were done eating dinner, and we went into the back of the cafeteria to get another fudgicle, and when we got 2, and walked out of the kitchen, Joel grabbed my hand and pushed it down his p’ants, thinking that I would do stuff. Instead, I stuffed my fudgicle down his p’ants and ran out of the cafeteria. Joel never came around my dorm again, and I think he got a job with the Department of the Interior in DC. FOOEY on Joel and men who do stuff like that. They do NOT respect us as women, and should be called out on it. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Anonymous :

      Well, I don’t think he assaulted her. I think they had a bad date and it sounds like he was gross and she should have left a lot earlier than she did. But I find the whole thing troubling because I think it jeopardizes the bigger movement, which I think is too important to jeopardize. I realize that many may disagree.

      Quite frankly, I’m not sure Louis CK should be forever shunned by society either. Much less of a gray area for me there than with AA, but I think there is a big difference between someone like Weinstein/Spacey and someone like Louis CK. At some point we women also have to speak up and say no. I’m not excusing gross behavior – clearly there are lots of power dynamics involved here – but you can’t expect to go along with things and then say someone else should have known what you meant. Of the five women who came forward with Louis stories, two said no and he stopped his efforts immediately and as far as I am aware he didn’t try to do anything spiteful to their careers. The rest either said nothing or uncomfortably went along with it. Not saying it was right b/c I get the power dynamics and celebrity involved but I do find that you have to be a little responsible for your own behavior in these situations. That’s the conversation I wish we were having – how can we encourage more women to be upfront about what they want and don’t want, not trying to make every uncomfortable or disappointing encounter into assault. I think its fine that Louis CK had to go away for a while, but I for one hope that he comes back. I think he and AA would both have interesting things to say about all this and I hope to one day hear those thoughts.

      • Anonymous :

        I don’t want to ever hear from either of them again. I do want to hear from the female comics who probably left the business becuase they got tired of dealing with harrassing guys like these.

        • Anonymous :


          Louis CK can rot and die in hell. He’s a creep and a jerk.

        • I want to hear from everyone. That’s what’s great about the marketplace of ideas, no? You can choose to listen or not, but I am against the notion that we should shut down certain speech. If there’s no audience for it, it will go away, and if you disagree, by all means speak up. I am okay with letting everyone talk though.

    • Anonymous :

      He’s not Weinstein. And I don’t think anyone claimed he was.

      But should Aziz continue to profit off building his professional reputation/career/comedy act on being a ‘woke bae’? No. Absolutely Not.

      • Cornellian :

        Yeah, that’s the problem with him in particular. I don’t think he did anything criminal. But I think presenting yourself as a woke, feminist, consent-friendly guy opens you up to people counteracting that image with accounts like these.

        It doesn’t seem like she presented her stories under the best of circumstances (having remained anonymous, having been approached by journalists, including weird “salacious” details), but I think that’s her right.

    • Anonymous :

      If he should, I should. I’ve definitely been the sexual aggressor with men with whom I had no professional relationship (unless you want to suggest a popular 3L vs an unknown 1L is a power dynamic that makes the 1L too vulnerable). Sometimes we kept going, sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes we saw each other again, sometimes we didn’t. No force was used. No one got hurt. One of them may have felt cheapened by me, which is probably accurate. I really wanted to be physical with him; I wasn’t as sure about commitment, and wanted to keep being physical while I figured it out, but I wouldn’t have kept dating him if the physical ended.

      • yes, you should. You don’t get to assume that no one got hurt because you did not get hurt. You wanting to be physical and allowing him to believe it was heading this way so you could keep getting your rocks off while figuring it out isn’t assault, but it’s seriously horrible and your not seeing this, let alone your justifying it, is truly frightening.

        • Really? She should lose her job because she had consensual relations with someone totally unrelated to her work who wanted more of a relationship than she did?

        • It’s not a crime to get your feelings hurt. It’s a jerk move to intentionally (or negligently) hurt someone’s feeling, but calling it “seriously horrible” and “truly frightening” is hyperbolic.

        • Honestly? Now we are sl*t-shaming?

          If Person A and Person B have s*x without ever discussing their relationship status and Person A assumes it is more and finds out that Person B just having fun, then Person A might have their feelings hurt. I would happily take Person A out for drinks and/or ice cream and commiserate that dating is terrible. However, that does not make Person B a horrible human being. One person can have their feelings hurt without it being another person’s fault.

          I sincerely hope for Grace that this remains the worst night of her life. I also hope that she learns that she does not owe s*x to anyone, and how to say: “Look – I would love to XXX but I do not want to ZZZ tonight.” Followed by (if asked again): “I already said I do not want to ZZZ with you tonight. It is time for me to head home.”

          • Anonymous :

            It would be amazing if we could raise a generation of women who can say “I would love to XXX but I do not want to ZZZ tonight.” Or just “I want to ZZZ tonight.” I’m on the older end of the demographics here, so I’d love to learn that generation is alive and well and dating, but this story from “Grace” makes me think we’ve made little progress in this regard.

      • another anon :

        I wonder about this, too. I try to be sensitive and careful of people’s feelings but I’m sure I have done something insensitive like Al Franken’s picture before when I was younger. And I’m sure my husband, who struck me as respectful from date 1, was not socialized when he was younger to be woke to a young woman’s inability to say ‘no’ and thus not reading nonverbal cues of whether she was unenthusiastic or uncomfortable even though she never said ‘no’. Growing up, we learned “no means no” instead of “assume no until you hear yes” which is how I would teach my sons and daughters. Now, neither of us is in the public sphere, which is different, but surely some millennials will emerge into the public sphere with all of these social media outlets for people to say something. I do think it’s a good thing that this conversation is happening and that people are teaching their children accordingly, but I don’t know what it means for adults who were just idiots. As that katie katy kat article pointed out, we’ve really all been violated and pushed to our comfort zones, which means most men have done so, too, most likely without even realizing it in the moment.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m not sure about this math. It really could be a minority of men. Men who push boundaries tend to seek out opportunities to do so. It really doesn’t take that many bad actors in a community to change the experience of many, many women.

    • I missed the original thread on this, but I don’t believe this was assault – it’s not even a gray area. There was no physical intimidation and no abuse of disparate power.

      I’m horrified that this story is being put in the same category with Weinstein at al.

      • Yes to your last paragraph.

        The come to jeezus moment on s3xual harassment is important and doesn’t need to be watered down by non-stories like this, I went to his house voluntarily, I did some s3x stuff voluntarily, he wanted to do other stuff but I didn’t want to, I stayed and he tried again, and then I left and he didn’t try to stop me. And oh, he served me white wine and I prefer red.

    • No I do not think he should lose his job; no I would not avoid anything he is in; and no I absolutely think this article should never have been published.

      And frankly, I don’t think it paints him as a bad guy. From her point of view their interactions were unpleasant, but that can be said of a lot of s*xual situations where one person is into it and the other is not. Sure – he wanted to hook up but the simple fact that he texted her the next day shows basic good manners. And frankly, if we do not want to slut shame women, we cannot slut shame men.

      I think a LOT of women have had s*xual encounters that went further than they were comfortable with. We say yes (or fail to say no) for a lot of complicated reasons. We don’t want to be seen as a tease; we want to be liked; we avoid conflict. That is something many of us need to work on in many aspects of our lives. God knows it was an issue for me when I was younger. However, I do not blame men for this. I blame a structure in which women are trained to be nice. But I think that the onus of fixing that is on us as women; expecting men to real non-verbal cues or somehow know we are looking for a hook-up vs. a relationship is a bit much.

      • nasty woman :

        Nah. We expect men to read non-verbal cues in all other aspects of life, and they successfully do read non-verbal cues in all other aspects of life. They don’t get a hall pass from the basic function of observing human behavior because they have boners. Funny, men think they are really good at reading non-verbal cues that women WANT to have s*x with them. They don’t get to rely on their powers of observation to affirm consent but ignore when those powers of observation also suggest (or should suggest) to them that there is not consent.

        “I blame a structure in which women are trained to be nice.”

        This structure of which you speak is called “patriarchy,” men benefit tremendously from this structure…… just tossing this out there for your consideration.

        • Metallica :


        • Nasty woman, I usually agree with you but not your dismissive “nah” here. I think we can agree that there is a spectrum of behavior here from rape to harassment to not being clear about consent, and at least on the lower end of that spectrum, there is room to disagree.

          • nasty woman :

            I never said that there was not a spectrum of behavior from whatever happened with Aziz and Grace to rape. I never said this was rape. I never said this was assault. I never said it was harassment. I never said that consent is always clear or that non-verbal clues are infallible at communicating intent. Please re-read. You are putting words in my mouth. I am just rejecting the notion that men simply cannot, or cannot be expected to read non-verbal behaviors. That is just a ridiculous statement.

        • Anonymous :

          But they don’t successfully read these cues in the rest of their life! too many women do think of men as being mind readers instead of being clear about what they need in all aspects of their life, whether it’s in chores or jobs or the bedroom.

          • nasty woman :

            OMG. People please. I have never said (and no one has ever said) that all men read all cues perfectly. Everyone knows that’s ridiculous. No one reads all cues perfectly all the time. Nor am I discounting the value of verbal communication. But FFS, I am so tired of men being infantilized like this.

            Human beings conduct a LOT of communication non-verbally. Men do, in many aspects of their lives, observe non-verbal human behavior and use those observations in their thought processes to guide their interactions with other humans. They do it in the work place, right? In social settings with their friends? At company parties, schmoozing with clients? Cannot believe I have to spell this out.

            The other end of this logical chain you’re proposing is that if EVERYONE is SO AWARE that men “just cant” read non-verbal cues (including men), then WHY aren’t men insisting on getting verbal consent? Don’t you think that if that was the ONLY way men could know for sure whether the woman wanted to bone him, he’d ask? But he doesn’t ask all the time, right? Why is that? Because he can read non-verbal cues. Why am I expected to believe that a man can successfully interpret a hand on his p*nis as a cue a woman wants to f*ck him, but that he CANNOT interpret a woman repeatedly taking her hand OFF his p*nis when he puts it there as a cue that she DOES NOT. If a man can and does read non-verbal cues to conclude that a woman DOES want to have s*x with him, then he cannot choose simply ignore non-verbal cues that do not support his desired outcome.

          • Anonymous :

            Ok, well, you didn’t say men don’t always do it right. And further, a hand on his p*nis CAN mean other things besides I want sex with you. It could mean I want to give you a handjob. And we’ve already established that’s a different act requiring different consent from sex, right? This is why men should be sensitive, but women need to use their words.

          • nasty woman :

            Good grief, I don’t want to make every post I leave here a tome. I didn’t think it was necessary for me to acknowledge that not everyone–male or female– reads non-verbal clues perfectly all the time. Amazingly, that fact doesn’t negate the fact that men and women are perfectly capable of reading at least some, if not a majority, of non-verbal cues in a variety of areas in their lives. Maybe the men in your life are dumb animals who need to be explicitly told what to do at all times, but the men in mine aren’t.

            You appear to have missed my entire point in re: hands on p*nises. Re-read it again and let me know if you still can’t figure it out. Sounds like you’re just following my posts around and antagonizing me. (PS hand jobs and blow jobs are also different from each other.)

          • Anonymous :

            You’re undermining your own points with every tome. If it’s important enough that we need to always avoid sexual assault, it’s important enough not to leave your boundaries to chance by someone interpreting “most” nonverbal cues. Use your words.

          • nasty woman :

            Am I undermining them? How on earth is that? Color me unpersuaded by your unsupported assertion. It seems that you just don’t like what I have to say. Or me in general. You have yet to offer a substantive rebuttal to my statement that men are not off the hook for reading verbal cues. You’re being deliberately pedantic and sidestepping the larger point I’m making, because you can’t refute it. But here it is! What we’ve all been waiting for. The admonition of women- YOU avoid sexual assault, YOU need to speak up, YOU should have said something, YOU didn’t say no, YOU didn’t tell him exactly the right way that you didn’t want to do xzy, YOU didn’t scream loud enough…. sound familiar? Sound like victim blaming? It’s in that category.

            When you use language like “women need to always avoid sexual assault,” as if “sexual assault” was some random force- like the weather or a bear– you show that you think a woman just lets herself get raped, and that you do not place the blame on men. Sexual assault doesn’t just happen. Women don’t “avoid” it like we use umbrellas to avoid the weather, or avoid walking in bear country without bear spray. Your problem is that you consistently and totally remove the agency of men. Men commit sexual assault. They do it by making choices. Men have a responsibility to monitor their own choices. This is what makes them different from, say, weather or bears. This is why the onus is on THEM to control their actions. This is why we place the onus on women to “avoid” rain and bears, but we do not (should not) place the onus solely on women to “avoid” sexual assault.

            You also assume without showing that there’s not a good reason women choose nonverbal cues over words, but that’s a different issue that’s been touched on at length by other posters today.

          • Anonymous :

            You’ve put words in my mouth I didn’t say. It seems we’ll have to agree to disagree.

          • You can’t say men are not off the hook for reading non verbal cues and not say that women don’t need to use their voice. It can’t be that one sided. That is just as insulting and infanitizing to women. There may be situations where the threat of violence or other reprocussions keep a person – male or female – from speaking up (the testino/Bruce Webber accusations in the NYTthis past weekend are a good example of this). But this was not one of them and taking every word in this account at face value, nothing here prevented Grace from using her words more clearly. Speaking up won’t always prevent a problem, but you still have to try.

          • Anonymous :

            That’s all you can do with Nasty Woman, who will not stop until you give in. Much like Aziz Ansari, I guess.

      • +1 completely. I am thinking of buying his book purely because I’m so angry about the way the article was handled.

        • If a woman came on this site and said: “My husband is such an inconsiderate jerk. He keeps leaving his shoes beside the door and every single time, I let out heavy sigh, pick them up and put them away.” We would all chime in with: “You need to tell him not to leave his shoes there if it really bothers you. He is not a mind reader.”

          In my general experience, men do way better with explicit requests that body language and hints. I have learned (and it took work) how to be clear about what I want and what I don’t and I have had several men tell me how much they appreciate the lack of game playing (which is how a lot of them see it whether that is fair or not) and the fact that I know what I want.

        • 100%. It is wrong what has happened to him.

    • Anonymous :

      Well yes of course he should lose everything over an anonymous, unsubstantiated article in a 3rd rate magazine.

  4. Anonymous :

    I think the pockets and double peplum is very unflattering. It would make me (hourglass shape) look huge. Even the model looks wide.

    • Anon Lawyer :

      Yeah, agreed. It is guaranteed to make everyone look shorter and squatter.

    • Well I don’t think the model looks wide. I also don’t get why people stay away from shapes that make them look a bit wider, etc. if they otherwise like the style. I’m wearing a cable knit sweater today that makes me look rounder in the middle than I usually do, but I’m not actually fatter… it’s just a sweater. I like the fabric and styling of the sweater and I don’t care if I look a little wider/rounder. After a lifetime of being told what I should/should not wear based on what is most slimming, I am just done with it.

      • Because most of us don’t like to look fat, especially if we actually aren’t?

        • Anonymous :

          That’s a pretty big exaggeration. This model looks pretty thin to me, just not malnourished.

        • I don’t mind looking fat, I’m not, and I like horizontal stripes, peplum, but this jacket looks frumpy.

      • Because I’m not just wide, but round in front. When I wear things like peplum and pleats, people ask me if I’m pregnant. And that’s never a good feeling unless you’re actually pregnant.

    • I think it might depend on length of torso. I’m curvy and it has to hit just right. If it poofs out just above natural waist (on me) peplums look really flattering. If it goes too high or too low, it just makes the top or jacket look frumpy. Instead of looking intentional (like a comfy sweater) or edgy (like a boxy cropped jacket or top might be) it just sort of looks like poor tailoring.

  5. Two Cents :

    Can someone be my personal shopper and help me choose cute and comfortable shoes for work? Business casual, gov’t agency. I don’t enjoy shoe shopping. I have probably 25 work dresses and a total of 3 shoes I wear to work. Black leather, nude patent leather, and a leopard print. I often get compliments on my clothes, but I just can’t seem to figure out the shoe situation. I’m getting bored, but I don’t know where to start.

    My criteria: must have leather lining (otherwise my feet get smelly), comfortable, no higher than 3 inches. Preferably no more than $200 but I could pay more if I really loved them.

    • People usually love these challenges, but you might need to give a little more information. Which shoes do you have now that bore you? Are you looking for something classic? Stylish? Are there details you love or hate (Mary Janes, for example?). Any foot problem? I think the issue may be that this is almost too broad — hard to response sensibly without a little more guidance.

    • Your shoes sound perfect. Why do you feel like you need to change anything?

      I prefer a snakeskin to leopard, but that’s me. Depending on your color palate, I like having a couple other colors…. I like my deep burgundy and grey suede. I also have navy, but wear them less often.

      So what are the shoes you have now? Just basic heels? You only mention colors but don’t make it clear what you feel you need/are lacking.

    • If you are open to ballet flats for work, look at the Sam Edelman Felicia flats. I wear them to my business casual office and feel like I am walking on clouds.

  6. Anonymous :

    Does anyone personally know anyone who is on the Dream Act? Just curious because I don’t — kind of live in a place that’s a bubble plus I think I’m too old as I think DACA status was only allowed for people about to age 31 a few years ago – I wasn’t hanging out with people that age. Would love to know if you’ve discussed with them, their stories etc. I’ve stumbled upon a few of their stories on twitter etc but it’s the same people highlighted over and over – prob because they’re the ones willing to appear on MSNBC.

    • Anonymous :

      I know one who was to receive a full scholarship to university but couldn’t because he was undocumented. He was engaged, but didn’t want to get married just to solidify his status. He worked part time at a country club and also taught swimming lessons while going to a trade school.

    • Yes. A good friend of mine who is about 30 is. I wrote about her last week. She and her siblings were brought to this country by an aunt when they were 13 and under. The aunt basically abaondoned them to raise themselves. There is no one in their home country to go back to, and they don’t know where their parents are. My friend is able to work above-the-table and pays taxes due to DACA. The prospect of losing that is terrifying to her, and to me.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, I’m from a community with many immigrants and know a number of DACA recipients (note the Dream Act never passed. DACA is temporary protection that Dream Act-eligible immigrants brought here as children have been renewing every 2 years). All of them came quite young and are just as assimilated as me or any American. They are terrified. Several are married (all spouses non-immigrants) and with US citizen kids. If they have to leave, it will tear their family apart.

      • Anonymous :

        I’ve been confused about marriage status since I saw that video of the 39 yr old in Michigan having to leave with his wife and daughter crying at the airport. Don’t you get status upon marrying a citizen? Aren’t there whole tv shows about people bringing back their fiancé that they met in Spain or whatever with families warning – oh he’s using you for a green card. Why does this not apply in this situation??

        • I’m not an expert but I believe when you apply for the marriage green card, you have to be in good standing/ legally here. So that guy had overstayed his visa and was therefore ineligible to apply. Not that I agree with this being morally right, but I think those are the rules.

        • No, you absolutely don’t automatically get status by marrying a citizen. Even if you’re legally present and marry a citizen, it can be a years-long wait before you become a citizen. If you don’t have legal status, marrying a citizen does very, very little for you in most cases.

          If someone meets a fiance abroad, that fiance can legally come to the US on a K visa, which is a very short term visa that allows the marriage to take place. After the marriage the new spouse can apply for a green card. But that person is legally present in the US.

        • Anonymous :

          It’s a common misconception that you automatically get a greencard when you marry a US citizen. You get to *apply* for a greencard, but you can still be denied for a whole bunch of reasons, including that you were not here legally to begin with. And apparently processing times have gone up very dramatically under the current administration. My friend married a Canadian man (who is here legally on a work visa) a couple of years ago, and his greencard application hasn’t been processed yet. And he has a lot of things that the government gives you points for, like a job, an advanced degree, English language fluency, etc. So he is still here on a temporary work visa and if Trump changes the rules for those – which he keeps threatening to do – my friend might have to move to Canada or be separated from her husband. It’s scary.

    • Anonymous :

      I have two friends that are – one of them came into the country at 7 because her mom was escaping sex traffickers, and now she’s a lawyer at a Vault 100 firm; the other was brought in at the age of 4, got a college degree, and teaches at a public middle school in a poor area of my city with lots of single-parent, minority homes. Both are contributing greatly to our society and have absolutely no in their home country to go back to.

    • Nancy Doyle :

      I know two DACA recipients. One is a middle school math teacher and one runs a small business. Both came here as very young children and this is the only home/country they have ever known. There is nothing to”go back to” for each of them. How anyone could think we should just rip them out of their community and family put them on a plane out of the USA is beyond me. They are here through no fault of their own and they are contributing members of our society. So sad.

  7. What is it like to live in the France?Right now I’m most nervous about my French which I do plan on improving. I got news today that I will be getting an offer for a job I interviewed for a while ago, the location is in Gif sur Yvette, a suburb close to Paris. I’ve never been to Europe so not sure what to expect in terms of cost of living, public transport etc. When I interviewed, one person did mention that rent could be 700 euros outside the city and about 1000 euros in the city. I might get some help finding housing but not sure to what extent. So looking for suggestions on affordable areas to live in. Part of the reason I’m posting is I’m not sure what else to ask about in terms of relocation. It’s not a permanent move so I’m only planning on bringing my clothes and other personal effects. FWIW I’m late 30’s and single so would also appreciate tips on how to meet people outside of work when I get there etc. Anything else you consider helpful, please include it. Thank you

    • Anonymous :

      Join activity clubs that match your hobbies – pottery, ultimate frisbee, skiing, whatever. Great way to meet people in a new area. Also check if your university has an alumni association branch there.

    • Anonymous :

      regarding the moving expenses, just made the opposite move which may not be long-term. I got about 6000$ to move myself and spouse, which was a good amount. It covered visa fees, airfare+shuttles, extra luggage pieces, shipping a couple of boxes via mail. Since we didn’t move an entire household, the money also mostly covered the deposit on our rental and the most urgent purchases (bed with a good mattress and a good coffee machine!).
      I researched whether to bring a bunch of extra suitcases instead of shipping things. Most airlines will let you bring a second suitcase for a moderate price, but you pay through the nose from the third one. Shipping boxes via mail was more economical, but still surprisingly expensive. It was easier to spring for another few boxes knowing I had this dedicated relocation money. To me, it was worth shipping fairly mundane items like coffee cups, some framed pictures, books and games. I feel at home much faster with ‘my stuff’. You wanna package them VERY well though.
      Paris is known to be the most expensive place to live in France, and people rent out even the tiniest rooms for a bunch of money. Unfortunately, I don’t have recommendations there.

    • Anonymous :

      I spent a year as an au pair in a suburb of Paris in 2010-2011, and my housing was included in my pay, so I can’t speak to that, but I was very comfortable bringing just clothes and some pictures, and then getting the rest of what I needed at Monoprix. Transport is really good, especially in zones 1-3, the buses run everywhere and are easy to figure out, but because of the transit strikes you will really want to be able to make both a rail and a bus commute if necessary. (They don’t usually both go on strike at the same time.) I lived in Le Plessis Robinson, and I took the RER in to my French classes in St. Michel, which took about half an hour. It looks like you would be working farther along the other branch of the RER-B; you could really live near any station in the southern half of that line and have a decent commute. The trains usually run every 15 minutes or so, and generally stay on the posted schedule.

      In terms of making friends, I second the alumni clubs. I would often go to Cornell Club of Paris events, even though I could barely afford one drink, just to meet people. If you have time, classes at the Cours de Civilisation Francaise de la Sorbonne are a good way to meet other foreigners who have just moved to Paris, and make friends with their friends. If you’re even remotely religious, people at your local house of worship will probably be very welcoming, and there are many American-French congregations for various religions. I would also recommend going to the American Library in Paris and looking at the bulletin boards there, because people will often post meetups and other social events, or advertise concerts or whatever. You might also want to get a language-buddy, who you get coffee with and speak French half the time and English half the time, which might turn into a friendship, but I will be honest, French people generally are much slower to make friends than Americans are, and your best bet for meeting people will be other foreigners. French people already have their families and their friends, and they might get the occasional drink with you but won’t be your close friend, especially if it’s a short-term thing.

      One other note… the French really don’t like foreigners, and the bureaucracy is no joke. You need a carte de sejours if you’re going to be living in France for more than six months, and you have to take care of it within the first three months but it’s very hard to get appointments at OFII, so get all your paperwork in order (including papers that the consulate in the US has to stamp) before you go. Also work out with the landlord if they will be providing you with their cable/phone bills, which you probably need in addition to the lease, though fortunately I didn’t have to deal with that myself. And prepare for insanity if you need to renew your visa; usually you have to be in line by 4 am if you want to be seen that day. And it can take up to 11 months for them to process your health insurance paperwork.

      Good luck!

    • Anonymous :

      Longer response in mod. Short version: living in France is a lot of fun, but the bureaucracy is ridiculous, and you will probably need to take a few days off work in your first few months to deal with it.

    • I have been an expat twice (both times in my early 20s).

      In terms of bringing things, I would bring things that are hard to replace (like a specific rain jacket), but not too many of things that are fun to buy there (clothes). You can buy kitchen stuff there, at Ikea or similar, and many apartments will be furnished. I left behind all of my books and digitized my life. Make sure you have good luggage and purses to travel with.

      I think you should also check the IRS publications about living abroad so you understand your tax situation and how long you can be in the US each calendar year or twelve month period. Don’t mess up your deduction/credit. Also understand if you are a local hire or seconded from a US payroll. This matters for your tax and your ability to contribute to US retirement vehicles (no 401(k)), for instance.

      Cosign the advice to travel with several suitcases and pay excess baggage fees. Even better, have a friend visit a month or two in and bring a few more suitcases that you leave behind.

      There is a good series of books called “Living in [country]” You may also want to check out the ThornTree forums on too. I would seek this out for France. GL!

    • That suburb is about an hour by train to one of the main train stations in Paris — Gare du Nord. So, first point is if you want to live in Paris get something that’s pretty close to the train station, otherwise the commute can be a nightmare (especially because there are frequent strikes during which train service pauses). Second, housing in Paris for sure is going to be more expensive than Gif sur Yvette. Third, it’s really competitive to rent a flat in Paris–if you can try to get someone helping you from your company. Usually you’ve got to provide a dossier to any apartment you’re interested in renting–it will include references, your bank statement, letter of employment statement, and then you have to compete with others who will like the same place. An agent will help you get a place and the fee for doing the transaction is roughly one month’s rent. Rent will depend on which area you want to live, what floor you live on, what your view is, how big the place is. I would recommend getting something already furnished since furniture, house stuff, delivery is going to be pricey then you have the headache of getting it in the first place, getting it delivered, and getting rid of things when you leave. Bring a couple of favorite items–a painting or cushion, to make it more your space will be a nice touch.

      Since you don’t really speak French and don’t know anyone, I think it would be easier for you to make a community with other foreigners in Paris and find ways to entertain yourself/have fun than living in the village.

      I also suggest you try to negotiate with your employer (in addition to helping with & paying your apartment agent) that they will either provide a French language instructor for you or pay for classes that you find.

      It’s going to be amazing, Paris is a great city and you’ll meet tons of interesting people!

    • also if you g**gle location meublee louer a Paris (furnished place to rent in Paris) some sites will come up and you can browse to get an idea.

    • I’ve lived abroad in another European country and recently visited France, so my advice may not be spot on for your situation.

      In terms of bringing things, I found that France’s post was more expensive than other countries, so I actually bought another suitcase there from monoprix to bring home more (wine – to be clear, would have been shipping non-wine if I shipped things). What I did when I first moved abroad was had a friend travel with me there (timing worked well and we got to explore a few countries on our way) and took advantage of her second bag so I could bring more. Then on the way back, you can do the same thing or ship things (depending on what country you may be in near departure, as there are very different shipping rates even for flat rate boxes).

      I agree with the others that there are many things you can buy there. For instance, I bought cheap home items (kitchenwares, linens, etc.) from ikea, dollar stores, and that type of place. Then I donated it all when I left – some to friends, some to pass down to others in a similar position, some to charity. Bring enough clothes that you are comfortable having enough to work and get about in for a bit so you don’t immediately feel pressured to go shopping on top of your other (mainly bureaucratic) tasks. Cheap shoes to walk around in are normally fine to find there but nicer shoes I bring with me. You’ll find a lot of makeup brands and such will be carried over there as well, so don’t worry about bringing a long term supply. For things like deodorant, products are fairly similar – though I actually load up on certain items when I’m in Europe since I prefer them and can’t purchase them in the US. Bring anything you “can’t survive” a month without and plan to either have someone visit around 2 months in or have someone ship you things if needed at that point. Figure out the visa and tax deals up front so you can plan best for them. I would recommend getting there a little before your job starts, if possible, to get acquainted with things, explore a bit, etc.

      In travelling, I actually found the French to be much more welcoming and warm than I expected. I speak about twenty words in French, so I would of course start with bonjour monsieur (changing for the appropriate time of day & audience) and then ask parlez vous englais. Normally after that, they would either speak English without any issue or communicate that they don’t but get someone who does or communicate through motions and such. I think maybe two people the entire time we were there were rude and honestly even not overly rude. I’ve had worse experiences in the US and travelling to countries generally considered friendly.

      For meeting people, I actually found it easier when I was living in Europe than here. I think that was in part because it made sense to go out and try to meet people. I’d check out a local hostel bar and see if the people who work there have any recommendations. Other than that, join groups like you may here (religious, sports, interests, etc.). There are probably expat community forums there as well. You may try some of these: or google “expat forum france” and see what you get.

      For finding a place to live, see what advice is online already, including expat forums. You could try to contact schools with exchange programs to see what they recommend to their students – some will be nice and help, others won’t, but worst case, it’s a slight waste of time. Be careful of scams – the typical don’t pay until you or someone you trust is physically in the place, don’t put money down, etc. The distance, language, and need for a place can drive you to that. However, both myself and some friends have gone the first night to a new place without having anything rented (stay in a hostel or hotel – reasoning is that they honestly offer better “local” advice than many of the nice hotels do, especially for an expat looking to stay for a while) and normally by the second or sometimes third night are set. Also, since you’ve never been to Europe before, please realize that sizes over there are generally much smaller – so a bedroom or a hotel room might be a third of the size of what you are used to and they will think it is perfectly large. Bathroom situations vary a bit by country (including paying for them). Oftentimes when reading reviews that complain about the size (bed, room, food, whatever) and/or bathroom, I find that it is an American and discount it accordingly. (I’m fine in the smaller rooms and figure it’s part of the experience.) Now, if a European says it is small, I pretty much stay away, since that sounds like a single bed with walls around it!

      Overall, you’ll be fine as long as you don’t stress over it all. This sounds amazing – I wish I could go live in France! Good luck with everything!

  8. I was the poster who last week was in search of plain, flat, black riding boots. I ended up finding a pair of Fryes (the pull-on Melissa) at Nordstrom Rack for $200. (Only 2 sizes left on their website.) That was $50 more than I had wanted to spend, but I felt the quality was worth it. So go check Nordstrom Rack if you haven’t already – I always forget about it!

  9. S in Chicago :

    All of this talk of work uniforms. Be honest with me here: Is it weird if I get the same solid dress in a bunch of colors but change up necklaces, wear different cardigans?

    The Etsuko has seriously (and unintentionally) started to turn into my go-to, especially during winter. I have 4 and am about to get a 5th, and I have about 5 other dresses that are pretty similar that make the regular rotation. I mostly work from home, so am only in the office about 1 day a week (if).

    I just think the Etsuko is the perfect dress. It’s flattering on me (not easy being a size that goes back and forth from straight sizing to plus–lot of things are either too tight or too long/wide). And I can wash it and it doesn’t wrinkle. And I feel like I can blend in when there are folks in suits visiting the office but still blend well if some folks are in jeans (especially if I pair with boots or booties). Do you think you would notice if a co-worker were wearing this all of the time? Would it seem really weird to buy the same thing in a ton of colors?

    • Anonymous :

      Not at all, especially if you’re only in the office 1 day a week.

    • Only in the office once a week with 10 dresses? Go for it.

    • I’m always surprised when this question is asked. No, it’s not weird! Buy multiples. Buying multiples MAKES SENSE. My winter wardrobe consists of (all different colors, of course): 2 identical skirts from Talbots, 6 identical skirts from J.Crew, 4 identical merino turtlenecks from the Gap, and 8 of those crewneck 3/4 sleeve sweaters from J.Crew. Seriously. That’s all I wear all winter. My summer uniform? Four of one sheath dress from J.Crew, 3 of one skirt from J.Crew, 6 dressy t-shirts from Old Navy, and 3 3/4 sleeve blazers. And shoes? I wear just 5 to the office: 3 pairs of Rockport Adelyns, 1 pair of black riding boots in cold months, and 1 nude wedge in summer. Find your style and stick with it.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m like this too. I have multiples of everything and it never occurred to me that other women don’t shop this way. All my jeans and pants are exactly the same, just different colours. Etc. When I find something I like, I stick to it!

    • I have 4 of the same CK pencil skirt, 4 of the same BR sloan pants, 2 of the same pair of jeans, 6 of the same Talbots cardigan. If this is wrong, I don’t want to be right. If an item works, I full embrace buying it in every color.

    • Anonymous :

      That’s a stupid amount of dresses to have for one day a week in the office.

      • Triangle Pose :

        Did she says she only wears them for work? The Etsuko would also work at events, dinner, dates. Sheesh.

      • S in Chicago :

        I’m glad you’re not seeing the stupid amount of shoes. :) I didn’t start out WAH as much–happened after an office move that resulted in a tougher commute for me. And, yes, it’s also been a go-to for conferences, dinners with clients, dinner with spouse’s clients, etc. I know I sound like a commercial, but that’s really been the beauty. Lot of functionality to fit into different situations. Perfect for a Mormon funeral, too! I kid, I kid. But that was indeed my first thought reading this morning’s thread…

      • Anonymous :

        I’m sure you mean a “stupid _number_.” If you’re going to be snotty, be grammatical.

    • Now you’re making me want to try the Etsuko. :) Is it possible to wear it without a belt? All the pictures online show it with a belt only. I personally hate belts, and if the dress is otherwise loose in the waist and requires a belt I will pass.

      • S in Chicago :

        I actually prefer without belting (I snipped the belt loops). When I do get a wild hair to belt (mostly to change things up), I like it to sit slightly lower anyway.

    • No way! If you find something you love, can afford and feel fabulous in, buy it in every available color and twice in black

      That has always been my philosophy and it has never steered me wrong

    • I would be so jealous of you, and notice how chic you are.

      I always buy multiples of highly functional pieces that I love. I sometimes even buy them in the same color!

      I am very pear shaped, and I tried on every single MM Lafleur dress and none worked for me, without requiring a lot of alteration. So alas, I will continue to be jealous of you.

  10. OB/GYN for fertility recommendations :

    Any NYC ‘rettes have recommendations for a great ob/gyn (preferably in Brooklyn or downtown Manhattan)?

    I had a great doctor but she’s no longer covered under my insurance. TTC without success so hoping to find a new ob/gyn to advise on next steps.


    • I’d recommend going straight to a reproductive endocrinologist if your insurance allows. I was resistant at first and really wanted my ob to prescribe a few months of clomid. She sent me to an RE instead (and I still got to try clomid, with some additional monitoring that showed it wasn’t working) and I wasted much less time that way (though still took 8 loooong cycles for #1, less time for #2 since we’d found a protocol that worked for me).

      If you go the RE route, I adored Dr. Brooke Hodes-Wertz at NYU. Smart, gentle, open, but no nonsense.

    • I used to see a doctor at the Mount Sinai Beth Israel Faculty Practice in Union Square. My doctor there didn’t do deliveries so I ended up switching to someone else that was recommended to me closer to home, but I was very happy with the practice and probably would have been happy to stay with them and deliver with one of their obstetricians. It took me a while to get pregnant with my first and they did all the initial tests to rule out the obvious issues so it could be a good place to start if the location works for you.

      10 Union Square East
      Suite 2D
      New York, NY 10003
      Phone: 212-844-8590

  11. Does anyone have fashion/style podcasts they like? I love reading Corporette, but sometimes I just want to listen to something instead, like when I have admin tasks or filing. Any ideas welcome.

  12. Dexa Scan? :

    Has anyone had a Dexa scan to measure body fat, visceral fat, lean mass, etc.? I’m considering it and would love to hear others’ experiences in terms of whether it was worth it, how detailed/accurate you felt results were, if they encouraged you towards a healthier lifestyle, etc.

    • Why would you do this? How would it change what you already know about your weight/body type/health/exercise/nutrition?

      It worries me a little bit when I hear someone bring up a test that is so unnecessary that there are unhealthy body images lurking. Am I wrong?

      • Dexa Scan? :

        I have a family history of early heart disease in women, so I am highly interested in knowing my visceral fat level. I work out a pretty good amount, but the information may prompt me to change it up or stay with my current routine. Also, if my visceral fat level is high, I will know I need to cut alcohol more and perhaps make other lifestyle changes.

        My interest is not related to body image, though I can understand your concern in that regard. I am able to assess my general level of subcutaneous fat without a scan, but, for visceral fat, I feel it is the only way I can really know.

        • I see. But shouldn’t you be deciding these things your doctor, rather than trusting how you “feel” you should be diagnosing your cardiac risk and treatment plan?

          I’m sure you know there is zero data showing that using a Dexa scan in this way. Instead, aggressively manage blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes risk, following a heart healthy diet that also decreases your chance of all 3 of those diagnoses while pursing regular heart healthy exercise multiple times a week and not smoking. Decreasing stress, and decreasing alcohol and a healthy weight are also important. You already know all these things.

          Did your doctor suggest this?

      • Yes, you’re wrong. I did so because it was a good measurement point on my quest to live a healthier lifestyle. I wound up losing weight but also gaining muscle and the DEXA confirmed that. It actually helped me with body image stuff because I had always thought my calves/ankles were chunky – and when they did the DEXA scan, they actually pointed out to me that I had really solid calves / ankles – it wasn’t fat, it was muscle! I combined it with the Vo2 max test and one other test that I’m not remembering right now, which enabled me to understand my metabolism better. I actually increased my metabolism due to building muscle, which is great! It also helped me understand my bone structure better – I’m a mesomorph, and sometimes I get all worked up that I’m not a ballerina, and then I understand – I’ll never be a ballerina, but I’ll be a damn fine mesomorph. All in all, it was a useful tool for me (I did it twice, a year apart).

    • AnonInfinity :

      I have done them a couple of times. I felt it was useful because I wanted to get to a lower body fat percentage and it is the most accurate measurement of that particular physical feature. I don’t have body image issues, and am kind of a data nerd and thought it was a interesting data point.

      A DEXA scan is very accurate. The results I got were very detailed — they showed how much fat was concentrated in each area of my body. It also has bone density on it, which was also good to know. It was worth it to me, but I wouldn’t have paid hundreds for it or anything.

  13. Any recommendations for a potential 3-4 day getaway to Key West in March, specifically recommendations where to stay? First vacation without kids in more years than I can count.

    • If you’re looking for a hotel/resort, I loved the Casa Marina when I stayed years ago. In particular, the beach service was amazing.

    • The Southernmost Beach Resort is quite lovely, and fully repaired post-hurricane. The Hyatt Centric may still have some damage (I think some of their docks and beach were wiped out).

      • I’ve stayed twice at the Southernmost Beach Resort, which has three separate facilities. Of the three, I liked La Mer best, because it (a) included a good breakfast on a lovely patio overlooking the beach but with privacy of palm trees and (b) felt like a smaller boutique hotel.

    • The Casa Marina is lovely, but will have more of a “large resort” feel, which if that’s what you’re going for, is great! If you want more of a typical Key West experience, try the Island City House – try to get a room that has access to a veranda sitting area. The grounds are gorgeous and it’s perfectly located. The Marquesa is also fabulous – be sure to eat at the restaurant, no matter where you stay. Have drinks at Louie’s Backyard. The best beach is actually at Fort Zachary Taylor – it’s annoying to get to, but worth it.

    • Thanks all!

  14. I have put mine through fifteen months of heavy use- four flights a week, freqent gate checking, dragging it up stairs, etc. It’s scuffed but otherwise holding up just fine. I can kneel on it to zip it when it’s overstuffed, and the zipper closes well. I sloshed through two syracuse ny blocks this morning, and all the slush wiped right off- had I had a fabric suitcase, my bag would have been wet. I dont miss having external pockets at all, and I like the perfectly flat top, for resting my personal bag on in the airport.
    The handle is a little wiggly, and it’s tough to push through thick carpet, so I pull it behind me in hotel hallways and in airports like PDX.
    I use the charger less frequently than I thought I would, although it’s totally saved me a few times. I LOVE the locking mechanism on top for the zippers.

  15. medical question :

    Last week, I got sick out of nowhere (completely fine one moment and literally 5 minutes later, sick as a dog). 3 hrs of the most intense chills/feeling frozen I’ve ever experienced (2 heating pads and 4 layers of clothes didn’t stop the shivering), then 3 hrs of one long hot flash (ice packs and a cold shower didn’t help), then repeat for 48 hrs, then just like it started, it was suddenly just gone and I was fine. Weird when it happened but didn’t think much of it (figured it was some fluke). Had the same thing happen yesterday; totally normal feeling, then a chill from out of nowhere and within minutes, I was sick again with the same symptoms. It lasted 24 hrs, now it’s gone again. I’ve had the flu shot and am not on any meds, don’t smoke, cannot figure out why this is happening to figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

    Any ideas? Online searches have nothing and I can’t get into my doc for another 3 weeks.

    • Anonymous :

      Any chance you are pre-menopausal? Hot flashes are the classic symptom, but “cold flashes” are a thing too and I know women who have experienced them.

    • Anonymous :

      The flu shot is not as effective this year as usual, so it could still be the flu. Also, I once had similar symptoms and it turned out to be pneumonia. Might be worth a trip to the doctor to check it out. Good luck!

      • Anonymous :

        +1. This doesn’t sound like the flu, especially without a fever or cough, but you can definitely catch the flu even if you got the shot. It’s never completely effective and is worse than usual this year.

    • Were you vomiting, etc? It could be norovirus and a relapse.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        Fun fact about norovirus: you can re-infect yourself. :D

        • Immunologist :

          Not in that time span. An immunocompromised person might be different, but a healthy individual will have immunity to that particular strain of Norovirus for around three months after recovery and it’s only after that time period that you could potentially get ill again from the same strain. If you have two vomiting bugs in two weeks they were either different viruses (it’s very possible that two strains are circulating in the community at the same time) or your illness was caused by a bacteria or parasite that is not yet out of your system.

    • Anonymous :

      Do you have a fever? If so, did you try taking Tylenol?

    • Flats Only :

      Have you traveled overseas recently? Dramatic fevers that come and go like that could be malaria. (And No, I am not a doctor, but I have read first person accounts of malaria, and it sounds like this. And hey, if you’re going to seek anecdotal medical advice from internet commenters, someone might suggests something out of far left field!)

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      Did you have a fever? I just got over being very sick, similar to as you described. My doc thought flu despite flu shot but I tested negative for it. After the few days of fevers, I got an awful head/sinus cold that eventually went to my chest. Today is exactly two weeks later and while I’m feeling about 85% better, I still wake up feeling crappy and still lose my voice now and again. For me, it’s just that thing that’s going around right now.

      • so was it the flu then? were there meds that could have prevented it from taking such a hold?

    • I’d go to one of those urgent care facilities if possible. SO MANY healthy people have died this year from the flu out of the blue – it’s so scary! I had the flu shot and still got a milder (4 day) flu with aches and chills/fever. (Google “flu 2017” if you haven’t heard about how deadly this year’s flu is.)

      • Anonymous :

        I mean, otherwise healthy people die from the flu every year. And every year the news talks about how many people are dying form the flu this year, like its a new thing. Are numbers actually up for the young/healthy population (ala 1918 Spanish flu), or is it just kind of an average number?

        • Anonymous :

          It’s an usually early season, but so far it’s not an unusually deadly season. It just seems to be peaking in early January, whereas normally it peaks in February. The flu shot is less effective than it has been the past couple of years, so that probably means more people will die total than in the past couple of years, but that doesn’t mean the flu virus itself is more severe. And although the vaccine effectiveness is worse than average, it’s not out of the normal range. 30-50% is normal and it’s more like 30 than 50 this year.

        • Anonymama :

          In our region, last year 60 people under age 65 died from the flu all of last year. This year, at the beginning of flu season, 60 people have died already.

    • Anonymous :

      When I got mastitis, I got chills like never before. I was piled under every blanket in the house and still shaking with cold. I watched my temperature rise 1.5 degrees an hour. I didn’t go on antibiotics to cure and instead relied on rest, supplements, and lots of water. I was b-feeding at the time, but I had a childless friend get it as well.

  16. Footwear for Capitol Hill? :

    I’ve received a grant to participate in an Advocacy Day event in DC run by a professional organization I belong to. I will have meetings with the staff of my House Rep and both Senators. Will I make a better impression in low heels (<2") than professional-looking flats? I don't wear heels normally, but have enough time before the event to get in the habit.

    • Flats Only :

      DO NOT wear heels on the Hill if you’re not used to them. You’re facing miles of walking on hard marble floors. Wear professional flats in good condition and don’t give it another thought.

      • Footwear for Capitol Hill? :


      • As a DC lobbyist who wears flats or comfort wedges all day on the Hill, I cosign. Everyone wears flats here. You can spot the out-of-towners because they’re the only ones who wear heels.

  17. DC weather :

    going to be in DC on Friday for a conference – what type of shoes would you recommend given the snow? I was planning to wear flats to the meetings (normal workwear for me; I have foot issues), but given the snow, I’m rethinking. I have actual snow boots, brown riding boots that work for casual free, and heeled ankle boots that would work professionally, but worry me as a slipping hazard.

    I don’t have a large enough bag to stow the boots during the conference, and from what I can tell, there’s a not a good coat/shoe check system at the venue. Any advice would be appreciated!

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