Suit of the Week: Boss

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Oooh: love the teensy windowpane pattern on this classic suit from Boss — exclusively at Nordstrom. The matching pieces have cool little details, also — the skirt has a solid panel to break up the check, like a wide hem, and the dress has a Empire bodice with a solid-colored top part. Pictured here: The jacket (Jibena Windowpane Jacket) is $595, and the cropped trousers (Tiluna Windowpane Slim Leg Trousers) are $275.

Looking for something more affordable? The gray version of this suit is on sale, and this plaid suit has a similar vibe.

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  1. Older brands :

    Le sign. Boss doesn’t fit me correctly (short with short torso, so the darts / waist are never in the right spots).

    Among these brands that skew older, do any of them work better if you are non-busty petite? Also, try on in a Nordstrom or directly from the store (in my city, probably by mail)?

    — Lafayette 148
    — St. John (pricey, but can get a good deal on sale / from consignment stores once you have your size down, plus there is an outlet near me)
    — Akris (with my budget: Akris Punto is probably more likely to work)

    Anything else worth putting on my list?

    My ingenue closet is time for an overhaul — I am no longer a 19 year old field hockey player. I am a thicker desk-bound person who needs to look not-ridiculous.

    • St John Consignment Shopper :

      I am an hourglass and sorta busty … 5’4″ 38DD and likely older than you (late 50s) … that said, the princess seaming on some of the st john button-front jackets I own (I have a total of 15 – all consignment purchases) do give me an emphasis on my hourglass/waist. I find that the zip up jackets are too boxy for me. They may be just great for you. I am careful not to get the longer jackets … they seem to extend past the end of the jacket sleeves and just make me dowdy and shlumpy more than I am. I really love my St John acquisitions and exclusively wear them now – daily – at my office. I have gotten a few at resale shops and then really expanded by collection via e bay. Really.

      Good luck!

  2. Got a + pregnancy test….first timer here. What is something I should be doing?? I was already taking prenatal vitamins and have a dr. appointment scheduled…any thoughts/tips welcomed!

    • Rainbow Hair :

      Wow! How are you feeling?

    • Anonymous :

      Relax. Enjoy having a little secret as long as you can.

    • Anon in NYC :

      Congrats! You do not really need to be doing anything before your first doctors appointment. Try to maintain healthy eating habits.

    • You’ve got it covered! Take care of yourself, listen to your body, get the rest you need. Don’t feel bad when you fall asleep on the couch at 7pm. If you have a spouse/partner, let them pick up the slack around the house.


    • Anonymous :


      • Anonymous :

        +1. Taking a prenatal vitamin is the only thing your doctor will tell you to do at this point.

    • Sleep while you still can! Your future is filled with late night bathroom breaks, feedings and a two year old staring at you nose to nose at 3am.

    • Anonymous :

      If you are taking prescription medication get in touch with your doctor asap to determine if you should keep taking them. Other than that, echo what others are saying. Soak in the excitement and enjoy the time you have until the first trimester symptoms kick in!

    • Eat all your favorite foods a few more times before the sight of them makes you dry heave.

  3. London in September :

    Looking for help structuring 5 nights/4 days in London this September, and restaurant recommendations (in particular, where to go for a lovely tea that doesn’t cost 50/person, and Indian). Staying near Oxford Circus tube.

    This will be our first visit, so while we’d like to see some of the classic attractions, we also want to leave time for wandering and lingering over meals.

    How would you arrange your time? I imagine we could visit 2-3 sites per day, without feeling insane/leaving time for just walking and soaking up the city, if we arrange our time well. Struggling to find a guidebook that doesn’t assume you want a crammed day to see everything… so here is our current shortlist, knowing we might not even get through it!

    – Museums/Landmarks — British Museum, V&A, Churchill War Rooms, Tower/Jewels.
    – Royals/Churches — Westminster Abbey, possibly Buckingham (state rooms are open when we’ll be visiting) or Kensington palace tours. Is St. Paul’s worth a tour?
    – Some shopping but it’s not the focus — in particular I’d like to check out Liberty and The Fold (since US shipping is expensive and their structured tops look amazing). Husband wants to get a classic umbrella as his souvenir.
    – Possible excursions if we get good weather (we would NOT try to do all of these, would likely choose 1) — debating between Greenwich (would this be fun for a 30-something couple or is it really best for young families?), Kew Gardens, or Hampton Court.
    – Using food as an excuse to visit other areas of the city, like deciding on a place for dinner in Notting Hill

    Things we don’t really care about: changing of the guard, pop-culture-focused tours (i.e. Harry Potter studios or Beatles tours), the Eye or other expensive views, spending significant time in Harrod’s or similar, or theater (since Broadway is accessible to us it’s not a priority for vacation, sorry), other than we do have tickets to see some Shakespeare at the Globe.

    Anyway, all advice welcome on this hot and dragging afternoon :)

    • Anonymous :

      Kensington Palace does a great reasonable tea:

      The blog A Lady in London has good sample itineraries.

    • BabyAssociate :

      Definitely Kew Gardens!!! I liked Dishoom for Indian.

      • just went to Dishoom while visiting london; it was delish!

        • Seconded re Dishoom. Also go to Yauatcha in Soho (Michelin-starred Chinese that’s still pretty affordable).

          War rooms are totally worth it. Get to the Tate to see the Picasso exhibit if your trip is early enough in September that it’s still there. There’s also a cool Rodin exhibit at the British Museum, but not sure when that closes.

      • I’d second Kew Gardens

    • Anonymous :

      I really enjoyed Hampton Court of your possible options. And I really really liked the War Rooms. I cannot recommend that enough.

    • Gail the Goldfish :

      You could combine St. Paul’s with your Globe visit depending on timing. It’s only about a half mile walk across the Millennium Bridge. I thought it was at least worth stopping in if you’re nearby, though Westminster was more interesting. War Rooms and British Museum are great. I didn’t do V&A and wish I had. We also did the Imperial War Museum, I think because it came with the Churchhill War Room tickets, maybe? It was interesting but not really near anything else we were visiting.

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      My favorite Indian options from London (went in May): Veeraswamy and Jamavar, which were both amazing. I was also recommended Gymkhana, but did not get to go.

      • Light of India :

        We have adored Light of India. It’s in Kensington on the main floor of a hotel. The Montana I think. Been excellent and stable lo these 20 years of our occasional visits. I’ve lived in Pakistan, so I’m a wee tad particular.

    • Anonymous :

      Add a walking tour by Sandeman’s to your itinerary. They are all free, many different topics and neighborhoods and times of day, and they are light-hearted, fun, and informative. My friend was crazy skeptical; 20 minutes into it, she was raving about how much fun she was having. They have a website if you use the G search.

    • I’m not great at organizing days, so I’ll leave that to people better at it. My recommendations for what you’re looking for are:
      – tea: Sketch London (it’s the pink place that’s all over, but it was fun, modern yet traditional & great food & in a fun part of town to walk around after)
      – Indian – Dishoom (my tip is if you want to go for dinner, make a reservation for the last lunch spot of the day, I think it was at 4 or 430. You will eat on the early side (but more room for a drink after somewhere else) & beat the giant lines that form around the block for dinner service)
      – I also loved all of the Ottolenghi places, there’s some more casual stops & more formal sit-down ones
      – I’m a big fan of Notting Hill & you could easily make a day of it there – the antique flea on the weekend is fun if that’s your thing at all
      – Last trip we stayed in Hampstead Heath, which feels like a country village – it can be fun getting out there for a meal & if you do, I recommend The Wells for dinner

    • Sunflower :

      Love the Borough Market. It’s a food-lover’s heaven, looking at all the stalls and vendors, and there are lots of restaurants. Wonderful place to pick up supplies for a memorable picnic.

    • I really liked Hampton Court, also you can see the town of Kingston which is small and has a kinda of charming center street. Bushy Park is right nearby and there are often large deer roaming around.

    • anonshmanon :

      I was totally going to recommend the globe! Just next to Trafalgar Square is the National Gallery, and around the corner the National Portrait Galley. Both free, and worth a visit. Have you considered Madam Tusseaud?

      I skipped the Tower the first couple of times, and was really surprised when I finally went. So much more than just a couple of jewels. You can spend many hours in there. If you are flying in via Gatwick or Stansted and you buy a return ticket from there to the city, you can show it to get 2 for 1 entry into the Tower and other major attractions for any date on the date range of the train ticket. If you search 2 for 1 London, you should find it.

      I get church overload, so it would be either St Pauls or Westminster. St Pauls gives you an additional nice view from the top, but so does some shopping mall rooftop bar around the corner.

      I’ve only been to Greenwich, and it was underwhelming, even though I geek out about science.

      • Gail the Goldfish :

        Oh, the 2-for-1 deals! Those were amazing. Even if you’re flying in to Heathrow, you can still get them, it’s just more challenging. You need a national rail card to get them. Heathrow Express tickets don’t count, BUT a travelcard for the Tube purchased at a national rail station does (the tricky part is there are sometimes national rail and underground stations in the same location. It’s got to be from the national rail ticket center, not the underground ticket center. I am not explaining this well, but google it). We figured out it was cheaper to get a 7 day travelcard and use it for 2 for 1 deals + our tube rides, even though we were only in London for like 3 days, than paying for attractions separately.

        • London in September :

          This is exactly our plan. We’re flying into Heathrow, taking the express to Paddington, and plan to buy our 7-day Travelcards from the national rail center there. More expensive than doing the Oyster, but will pay for itself between Westminster and the Tower IIRC. Collecting the vouchers from the 2-for-1 website now :)

      • London in September :

        “so does some shopping mall rooftop bar around the corner” hahahaha I needed that! I get history overload too, so we’re hoping to alternate the Big Sights with fun meals, drinks, outdoor time, etc.

    • Anonymous :

      If you have the opportunity to tour the Parliament buildings, I highly recommend that! It seems like they are open for tour on Saturdays only, unless Parliament is in recess.

    • Anonymous :

      There is a tiny display at the British Library that DH and I LOVED! Original Magna Carta, Elizabeth I manuscripts, handwritten score of Handel”s Messiah, etc. Very near Kings Cross, if I remember correctly.

      • Me too! However–we went on their late-night opening and the giftshop was closed when we left the exhibit, so be aware of that.

    • Buy your Westminster tickets ahead of time directly from the Abbey’s website. It’s the only way to skip the lines. I would also get your Wat Rooms tickets several days in advance. The War Rooms are terrific and definitely worth visiting. I loved the Harwood Arms in Fulham/Hammersmith. It’s a Michelin-starred gastropub and is very reasonable.

    • I will recomend you also Natural History museum, the building is amazing and the Tate Britain (I love Pre-Raphaelites).
      A good place, not expensive, for the tea could be the V&A museum, they have the tea room under an amazing dome.
      If you are there the weekend go to the Columbia road flower market, really nice to stroll around and less turistic than the others.
      In a first visit I will go to Greewich, one of my favorites boroughs of London where you have a bit of everything: culture, food and a really nice park with in my opinion the best view of London (other people prefer Primrose Hill…)
      You compulsory should do a walk in the Southbank along the Thames from Tower bridge to the Big Ben.
      Regarding food, if you have the time Brixton market and Bermondsay market are a bit more of the bitten track.
      Not sure how adventure are you about food, but if you go outside zone 2, for example, at Tooting you can find the best curries (better than in Bricklane). Let me know if there is any other kind of food you are interested in but I use to agree with this guy
      A nice place to have a drink a watching people around is Gordons wine bar.
      And regarding window shoping you have Seven Dials area close to Covent Garden.

      • Greenwich is lovely! The market had excellent vegan food, there’s a cute shop where I bought my current pillowcases, and the park was lovely on the first warm day of March. (We were disappointed with the observatory, but that might’ve been an expectations v reality).

        PuddleJumper recommended the Shoreditch street art walking tour and I highly recommend it.

  4. Cologne, Germany :

    Thinking about a trip to Cologne, Germany in early September. Anyone have any stories or advice to share? I’ve spent a few hours in a suburb of Munich once, but have otherwise not been to Germany. (Posted too late on the morning thread!)

    • Anonymous :

      We went to Cologne this past December as a side trip from Amsterdam. The Christmas markets were amazing (though I don’t have any other German markets to compare them to). The cathedral is also extremely impressive. Otherwise, it was kind of a drab city. To be fair, we were really focused on spending most of our time at the markets, so didn’t really bother to look up other things to do, but it didn’t seem like there was a ton. We went to an old SS office building/jail that is now a museum — it was interesting but almost everything was in German with no translations, so we didn’t get as much out of it as I would have liked.

      • I went to Cologne for a couple days in May, and agree that the cathedral was impressive, but the rest of the city was just ok. The art museum was great if you’re into that. If you go to the SS museum definitely get the audio guide – they have one in English. Overall, I don’t think you’d really need more that 3 days to see everything.

    • Anonymous :

      I guess my question is why? It’s a second tier city. Go to Berlin.

      • Or Hamburg! Berlin has the iconic stops but is dreary city. Hamburg is stunning!

      • As to why: there are inexpensive, direct flights from my home city.

        • Anonymous :

          Cologne’s main quality is being well situated for day trips to Aachen, Marburg and other cute places. Easy to do with the train. Or the Eifel National Park, might also be possible by train, not sure.

    • How long are you going to Germany? Köln would be a one or two day stop on a larger trip, imho. The Rhine is incredible. You can float up and down on the ferry, get off at lots of small towns to wander, and drink lots of Riesling (trocken means dry, it’s so good).

      I don’t blame you if you want to avoid major cities – I love Germany but don’t care to spend time in Munich or Frankfurt, though I do want to visit Berlin as I have yet to do so. If I were to spend a week in Germany in smaller towns, it would be Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Nuremberg, and Würtzburg.

  5. to recline or not to recline? :

    On an airplane, do you believe that reclining is expected or is it rude to recline? Does it matter what class you’re sitting in? Are there any other details that would change your answer?

    • Anonymous :

      It’s rude to recline during meal service, takeoff, and landing.

    • It’s on a continuum. Expected on an overnight flight; rude when it’s a quick hop. In the middle (a longer flight)…
      I try not to, and if the person behind you is already clearly squeezed in (like, tall person in economy) it’s most polite to let them retain their limited space.

      It is ALWAYS rude to recline forcefully/quickly to the surprise of the person behind you, as it can cause spills or bruises.

      • Cookbooks :

        +1 I expect it to happen on overnight flights, regardless of class.

        Otherwise, I usually don’t recline. If I do, I go slowly, and if the person behind me is tall or using their tray table or what have you, I like to give them a heads up so they aren’t startled (or if they have some strenuous objection).

      • Anonymous :

        Agreed. I don’t think it’s necessarily rude to recline, but it’s nice to be courteous to the person behind you. If they are working on their laptop, it’s good to give a heads up or at least go very slowly. I had someone quickly and forcefully recline while I was on my laptop and the screen got caught between the tray table and the latch on the back of the seat and almost cracked.

        Generally I don’t recline on daytime flights unless the person behind me is also reclined or is a smaller child who doesn’t need the room.

    • BabyAssociate :

      I definitely think it matters on what class you’re in, it’s a space thing. If you’re in regular coach, I think it’s rude.

      • Anonymous :

        You’re wrong.

        • Well that’s helpful. Bug in your pants?

          BabyAssociate – I agree. Leaning is much more expected in classes with more space full stop. A 6ft or long legged person could literally hurt their knees and legs with the extended pressure from a leaning seat.

          • Anonymous :

            As a 6 foot tall person, I have (unintentionally) let out several audible yelps when someone reclines their seat on me suddenly and I’m sitting in coach. I barely fit as it is, and I end up having knee bruises for days as a result.

          • Anonymous :

            6’1″ here. I am always extremely aggrieved and put out when someone reclines in front of me. I would never said anything to an otherwise non-rude recliner, because while I think it’s rude, I also think it’s within their rights. And, as much as I’m hurting for space, I never recline because I do not want to be rude.

          • Anonymous :

            As a tall person, I cannot tell you the number of times I have had the seat in front of me forcefully rammed back into my knees.

            As a result, I try to lean my seat only halfway back when I recline, unless it’s a very small person sitting behind me.

        • Anonymous :

          ha. you are wrong. reclining is rude. everyone has limited space and when you recline, you intrude into the space of the person behind you. generally, i will let out a clearly annoyed sigh when someone reclines into me, and just to be clear, i fully believe that i am in the right.

    • I think it’s to be expected. Yes, you could argue that it’s not needed on short flights, but the button is there. I think, as with anything, respect plays a role: there’s no need to recline at lightning speed and it’s polite to accommodate request to straighten your seat back to allow those in the row behind you to exit their seat for the restroom, etc. Also, follow the rules, so when the flight attendant says don’t recline until after takeoff, straighten for landing, etc., just do it instead of being that entitled person who doesn’t listen. Those knee defender contraptions are horrid, and I believe many airlines have banned them.

      • You don’t need to be all that tall for the reclining seat to be extremely painful. If your legs are long enough, the weight of the seat back literally rests on top of your knees. This is the case for both of my long-legged kids, who are 5’10 (at 13) and 5’11 . The problem is that airlines have pushed the seat rows closer and closer together to squeeze in more passengers, but haven’t removed the recline button.

    • Anonymous :

      It’s perfectly fine to recline. It’s also polite to recline slowly and consider not reclining during meals if possible but reclining is fine. People whose knees don’t fit need to spring for seats with more leg room.

      • Anonymous :

        so…a tax on being tall, eh?

        Does that mean people below a certain leg length will not be allowed to purchase seats with extra leg room, since they don’t really need it?

        • Anonymous :

          If you don’t fit you need to buy more space, talk or wide. You aren’t entitled to take up your neighbors space.

          • Anonymous :

            So, is the space where my knees go my space or the space of the person in front of me? Because if it’s my space, then the person in front of me shouldn’t be reclining into it.

          • Anonymous :

            Yes to this. I am normal-sized and am so very tired of people shoving their shoulders, elbows, etc. into my seat, apparently on the theory that if they are bigger than I am then they are entitled to claim part of my seat. It is my space, not yours. Figure out how to fit in your allotted space or buy a bigger seat. The fact that the airline makes the seats ridiculously small does not entitle you to take up part of my ridiculously small seat.

          • Anonymous :

            Your neighbor is allowed to recline and so are you. The recline space is theirs if they want it. That’s how chairs work.

        • but tall people also earn more, soooo: “An extra inch correlates with an estimated $800 in increased annual earnings.” (

      • Anonymous :

        I don’t think it’s really about being tall? If the seat in front of you is reclined, you have no lap space and can’t really use your tray table, which makes working very difficult. For me, having the seat in front of me reclined doesn’t affect my legroom that much but does affect my lap room (and I’m almost 6′).

        • Anonymous :

          If you need to work on a flight you need to figure out how to do that in limited space or pay for more space.

      • +1 I don’t think they need to spring for the seats with more legroom, but if they are uncomfortable because you reclined your seat, they should tell you that so you know and can then make your seat upright again.

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s always rude in economy because then the person behind you has no lap space at all. It’s different in first (or so I hear, I’ve never flown anything but coach).

      • Not asking to be snarky, but do you really not recline on longer flights? It sounds like torture to choose to sit upright for 6-16+ hours when there’s a button on the seat the the majority of your fellow passengers will be using for at least part, if not most, of the flight.

        • I do not recline on long flights.

          • Anonymous :

            Enjoy that. But you’re being a martyr for no reason.

          • I disagree with your opinion, but I respect that you hold yourself to the same standard that you want from the person in front of you.

            (Cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen someone rudely demand that the person in front of them not recline while reclining their own seat…)

          • I’m not being a martyr. Reclining doesn’t make me any more comfortable. I can’t sleep on a plane whether I recline or not, and I prefer to curl up in my seat. It doesn’t help me, so why take the chance that it will make someone else uncomfortable? If it helped me be more comfortable, I would do it as respectfully as possible. I answered the question asked, which was whether people do or do not recline on long flights.

      • Anonymous :

        No you’re wrong. And exaggerating. That’s economy. It’s crowded. People recline. You won’t be able to embark on a massive knitting project. Get over it.

    • Anonymous :

      I recline and have the expectation that the people in front of and behind me will recline as well. If we all recline, it’s the same amount of space, but it’s a more comfortable angle. Had no idea some people consider this rude.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s only a more comfortable angle for sleeping. It’s a much less comfortable angle for working, which many people now have to do on flights.

      • Most people do not recline. I think that’s what the issue is- if we all did it it would actually make it the new status quo.

        • I’m actually relieved to know that so many other people think it’s rude and inconsiderate. I thought I was the only one!

    • Anonymous :

      I think it’s rude to recline whenever the cabin lights are on, which is all the time on most daytime flights. On overnight flights when they dim the lights it’s ok to recline because it’s basically nighttime and people’s ability to sleep should be prioritized over others’ ability to work, read, etc.

    • It’s only rude during meals. Otherwise, if it’s permitted (e.g. not during take-off and landing), I don’t think it’s rude. It’s a plane. We’re all cramped. It’s not rude to operate the seat like it’s designed to be operated.

      • Anonymous :

        Agreed. Also, I think our displeasure should be more directed at airlines who pack us in like sardines, rather than at fellow passengers who are feeling just as cramped as we are.

      • Agreed. It’s a domino effect. If the person in front of me recline, I have to as well or there’s no room.

    • Anonymous :

      I almost never recline all the way but always I recline a little bit. It’s uncomfortable to have my seat straight up and down.

    • Anonymous :

      I expect the person in front of me to recline, but it doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it. If you’re going to recline, please do so slowly – I’ve actually gotten a nasty bruise on my forehead because someone reclined his seat rather forcefully while I was bending down to get something out of my bag. Nice way to walk into a conference where I was meeting several colleagues for the first time.

    • Anonymous :

      I always recline a little as soon as I we are allowed but not the whole way. I often catch a little snooze on short flights, especially when I get up really early. Never occurred to me that it is rude. I am short and think the leg room is ridiculous. We need to start complaining more and stop taking flights on Spirit or any other airline that cramps us in.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes. I am very short, and I feel cramped in coach. This wasn’t always the case; there’s less space than there used to be. I sleep on every flight since I find the air pressure inadequate, and it’s very uncomfortable to sleep fully upright, but there isn’t room to fully recline either. It’s ridiculous.

    • I think it’s completely rude unless it’s a late night or overnight flight. I honestly wish sears didn’t recline at all. It makes it nearly impossible to get out of the seat to get to the bathroom when the seat in front of me is reclined.

      • I also really think the airlines should take away the lean feature. It really is torture to be in those cramped spaces and then have your front neighbor taking even more of your space. I heard of a device you could put in the seat in front of you to block the seat from leaning, but the airlines don’t approve, and fights were occurring on board.

  6. LittleBigLaw :

    Many thanks to Encouragement for the podcast recommendations earlier this week! I’ve listened to a couple episodes of the Lawyers Stress Solution and Hustle & Flow and really like them both. Helpful perspective adjustments for sure.

  7. online dating q :

    When talking with someone via online dating, how long do you communicate before a date? Where’s the line between “I want to know he’s not a creep before I spend time pouring myself into good clothes and doing my hair” vs. “Why bother talking first, I want to meet right away to see if there’s chemistry”??

    Also, would talking for longer make you more likely to give it a 2nd date or a 3rd (or more) if the conversations were good, even if the chemistry wasn’t there?

    Does age matter? (If so, why/how?)

    • I once met someone the first day we matched, and we had insane chemistry, so no regrets there. Most others, I’ll communicate with for a day or two before someone suggests a date. I hate it when the conversation drags on and on and on. Honestly, I just make sure he seems like a person who can hold a conversation (i.e., doesn’t respond with one-word answers and doesn’t only message about work or only in acronyms) before meeting. I have plenty of friends who I enjoy texting ; I don’t want to add strangers to that rotation if it’s never going to lead to anything. I also fear that we won’t have much to talk about if we’ve messaged too much beforehand, but that hasn’t seemed to actually be a real problem.

    • I don’t have online dating experience, so take this with a grain of salt. I would say go ahead and meet in person to get to know the person better. And I also don’t think you will know right away if there is chemistry. Some people are not themselves on initial meeting, so unless there are big red flags, I would go on a 2nd or 3rd date to see if chemistry arises, regardless of time talking online beforehand. You can certainly fall in love and have a great relationship w/ someone much older or younger than you. Just be aware of some of the hurdles (i.e. adult children, having kids w/ this person, work vs. retirement lifestyle, socializing w/ others your age/his age). There will be hurdles in every relationship, so just know (or figure out as you go) if these particular ones are deal breakers or not.

      • I do agree with this 2nd and 3rd date advice. I will always go on a second date if asked, unless there’s a deal breaker or it’s clear for some reason that there’s no way it could ever work out. I’m slightly pickier about 3rd dates, but will go as long as I had fun and there were mostly good conversations on the first couple dates.

        HOWEVER, this does not seem to be linked to how long I talked with someone over the app or texted with them before someone suggested the first date. It’s just my dating policy at this time in my life. (I respond to every first message on the app, unless it’s creepy or sexual; I go out on a first date with basically everyone who asks unless it’s clear he can’t hold a conversation as stated above or he’s creepy/sexual; I go out on a second date as long as there’s no deal breaker or some huge reason it won’t work).

    • I will exchange 4-5 messages before suggesting an in-person meeting. This is for a few reasons: (1) I’m old-school and don’t really like texting, (2) I want to see if there is chemistry, and (3) I’ve been burned by too many guys who want to exchange endless messages but never meet in person (I don’t know why, but worry it is because they are in relationships).

      I don’t really worry about creeps. I always meet in very public places. If he is one, I’ll just leave. And I’m in a big-city, and don’t drive to the meetings, so it would be hard to follow me home.

      • Anonymous :

        Same – although I’ve noticed that when guys are actually interested in meeting, they will suggest it pretty quickly. If they don’t, I’ll suggest, and let their response be the barometer, because I’m not interested in pen pals. I’ve also found that creeps out themselves reasonably quickly via messages or profiles (I made plans with a dude once, and then he asked me if I “felt like making out” that night, noped hard out of that one!). Also, seconding meeting in very public places.

      • Yay! I guess I am old school too. I do NOT trust people on line b/c they can always fake interest and being smart. I went to the Matzo Ball last year and the guys in person were just as bad. Pretending to be big shots but just interested in haveing me come back to their apartment, and it was NOT for academic discussion’s either! FOOEY on that! If I wanted to pull my panties off, I would, but I don’t so I won’t. FOOEY on men that just want that.

    • Anonymous :

      Early 30s here. I think there’s a sweet spot between 3 messages and 4 days when it’s good to set up a date with someone you’re messaging with. Too soon and they tend to flake, too long and they tend to not actually be interested in a relationship and are just looking for a pen pal to pass the time. Also I always do weekday drinks on a first date, and don’t spend much if any time getting ready, usually I just go straight from work. If we have chemistry and there is a second date, I’ll put more effort into my appearance.

    • So I did tons of online dating and eventually met my husband online, and I had a bunch of personal rules about it. Two hit on your questions: 1. No extended chit chat. The point of all initial communication was to set up an in-person date. That’s the only way to tell if there’s any potential. Not an issue if I set up a date and we texted in advance, just zero aimless chatter. 2. No dressing up for date one. Wear something you’d meet a friend for dinner in to work that day and do no more prep than you for meeting up with said friends. This kept dating from feeling like a big let down, and I could always dress up if I decided to see the guy a second time.

    • Oh if I ever come out of moderation my third rule was 3. I know me. I know who I like and who I don’t. I don’t owe anyone a second date or the benefit of the doubt. I will only go out again if I had an amazing time with the guy and it’s a resounding yes for me. Yes, relationships can grow. Yes, people are awkward. But I don’t have to care about that that’s their issue and I don’t have to date them unless I see something there.

  8. FOMO, mom edition :

    I work. I have kids in elementary school. Most of the moms don’t work (so their kids play together during the day, during the week) and often get together, volunteer, etc.

    I am having FOMO b/c it is so lonely working in an office (BigLaw).

    I am also having vicarious FOMO for my children — I am becoming aware of fun things that they aren’t invited to b/c I work and can’t bring them / get them / having them in full-day camps all summer. They feel it too — they know what they are missing (and why: it’s b/c Mommy works).

    Don’t get me wrong — they have a roof over their heads and food to eat b/c I work, so I’m not quitting (although I’d love to be PT; it’s not in the nature of the beast to stick to any schedule I’d prefer). But still, why is there no medium speed? I feel like I’m on the blender set to maximum speed (and what I’d like is a blender drink right about now).

    • Anonymous :

      The kids are still getting to play and make friends at camp and daycare, just with different people. They’re probably getting way more social time than the other kids. It’s not like they’re being sent to the gulag, right?

    • If you guilt is stemming from your kids, for lack of a better word, guilting you about you not being at home, have you talked with your kids about the pros and cons of two parent working families, taught them the ideals of two different types of activity or lifestyle means they are different not better or worse, oh and that having BOTH parents work is for the family benefit (stay away from focusing on Mom not working and Dad working, that will just affirm stereotypes of women’s role in the world that will harm them later on and you now, because they’ll expect less of and call on Dad less).

      If it’s coming from your own guilt about what your kids might be missing – read your last paragraph. You need to repeat “I work to fulfill my family’s needs”. If you didn’t work they’d go without in much more fundamental ways than missing playdates. The only person that can make you feel bad about working is you.

      • Rainbow Hair :

        Yeah, dad going part time or staying home would do the same thing, so OP I forbid you to feel more than 50% of the guilt! (-:

    • BeenThatGuy :

      I’m right there with you. As I type, I’m getting texts from a mom friend who was kind enough to “rescue” my son, and a few other boys, from the summer camp they hate. They seem to having so much fun! I want my son to have lots of days like this during his summer break. But sadly, he will only have a handful of days like this (minus a few vacations we will take).

      As a working (and single) mother, I get so frustrated that I can’t give him the laid-back summer that many of his friends have. He’s dropped off at one camp by 8:30 am and picked up by a sitter to take him to a second camp at 12:30. Then I pick him up at 5(ish) for a travel baseball game and we don’t get home until 8:30 pm. While other mom’s have been able to let their boys “rest” all day so they have energy for the game.

      We have an amazing life and I know he is very, very happy. But man, it’s not easy.

    • There is a medium speed– but not in BigLaw. Government? In house? You don’t have to work BigLaw hours if you don’t want to.

      • Even at medium speed, the cool summer camp that runs from 9-12 with no options for extended care is hard to swing.
        OP, this is a little bit of the grass is greener. My kid seems to think that his friends with SAH parents spend their days doing all these really cool camps, and then hanging at the pool. Those friends are also complaining to their parents about being bored and how there is no one to play with because everyone else is on vacation or at camp or what have you. At least at camp, my kid can be bored with options.

    • How about hiring a nanny for a week? And plan for your kids to invite others to your house w/ the nanny or go somewhere with the nanny. If that works well, maybe keep it going instead of camp, and I’m sure the kids will reciprocate.

      (I also agree with the others – you are doing good things for your kids! And it’s okay for them to not have all that they want – good lessons in adversity for them.)

    • I hear you, and it’s really, really hard sometimes. And it’s worse when your kids start noticing the differences. What has helped me is prioritizing the relationships that work for my whole family. Neighbors who are cool with hanging out in the backyard on Friday nights? Great! Neighbors who only want to do stuff during work hours? Well, we’re probably not going to be as close, just based on sheer logistics.

      I also think it’s healthy to remind your kids about why you work. Not in a “casting stones” way, but very matter-of-fact about what your salary enables your family to do: everything from the essentials, like a home and groceries in the refrigerator, to special things like lessons and vacations. This has led to other good talks about how families are different, with different needs.

      And if you can swing it, taking a random Friday vacation day now and then to just stay at home with the kids goes a long way. It’s a good break in routine for all of us, and by Monday, they can’t wait to get back to their camp/daycare friends.

    • I hear you, and it’s really, really hard sometimes. And it’s worse when your kids start noticing the differences. What has helped me is prioritizing the relationships that work for my whole family. Neighbors who are cool with hanging out in the backyard on Friday nights? Great! Neighbors who only want to do stuff during work hours? Well, we’re probably not going to be as close, just based on sheer logistics.

      I also think it’s healthy to remind your kids about why you work. Not in a “casting stones” way, but very matter-of-fact about what your salary enables your family to do: everything from the essentials, like a home and groceries in the refrigerator, to special things like lessons and vacations. This has led to other good talks about how families are different, with different needs.

      And if you can swing it, taking a random Friday vacation day now and then to just stay at home with the kids goes a long way. It’s a good break in routine for all of us, and by Monday, they can’t wait to get back to their camp/daycare friends.

    • “they know what they are missing (and why: it’s b/c Mommy works).”

      I say this as a rock-ribbed conservative: WHAT? Why is the problem that Mommy works? Is there some reason that you are getting 100% of the blame and your husband is getting 0%?

      I can’t solve your work situation, but the viewpoint there is wrong and needs to not happen.

      -raised by a single parent and didn’t blame Dad for working

      • Anonymous :

        +1 – they see there is stuff they are missing out on, but that’s balanced by the things they gain as well. It’s a lesson in how families are different and someone people do A and some people do B.

        • Yes, and more.

          My dad worked long hours when I was a kid, so I didn’t do some kid things that kids with a SAHM got to do. Trust me, it never crossed my mind to blame my dad or ask that he “lean out” or what-have-you.

          So I am unclear as to why it should be an issue when it’s the mom working long hours.

      • Anonymous :

        It’s an issue b/c it seems to be a given that Dad works. Everyone who is in grade school knows that. Dad doesn’t work when he is unemployed (or maybe in jail). But when your kid is in a class of 20 and everyone else but 1 or 2 other kids rides the bus home or walks and she goes to after school care at school, she knows (and everyone else knows) is that it is b/c her mother works. The other kids get to go home b/c their mom doesn’t work.

        The kids see this so clearly for what it is.

        In a poorer neighborhood, all momies would work (or be unemployed). But in a UMC neighborhood, it’s still the 1950s. And I can’t tell my kids: just wait until you see how awful it would be if we tried to live on what Daddy makes.

        • Anonymous :

          so tell your kids that despite what they see in your neighborhood, it is quite normal for moms to work and that many dads stay home with the kids. it’s up to you to set the example for them!

        • Anonymous :

          Uh sure you can tell them that. Maybe not in that way, because it’s pretty condescending. Teach them that they’ll have to work to get the lifestyle they’re accustomed to. Teach them that sometimes they’ll have to make sacrifices.

        • I grew up in a middle class town with good schools and plenty of working moms. Hence why I think this is a self-inflicted wound.

          • I agree. Frankly, one of the best things I think working moms can do for themselves is to live in a neighborhood with lots of working moms.

    • Anonymous :

      Hey, at least they’re not all alone in ICE detention centers!

    • Anonymous :

      Edit: They’re at camp because Daddy (or other Mommy) works too.

    • Anonymous :

      Hey, not sure if this is helpful, just throwing it out there- I grew up with both parents working very busy jobs (dad in biglaw, mom in big 4). This is obviously a $$$ solution but they hired a full time baby-sitter, who would come some time during the day after I left for school, and would be around until they got home from work. Babysitter would drive me everywhere I needed to go. In summer I think she had extended hours, like 9am-7:30pm or something. She also did light tidying up and laundry (they had a separate cleaning lady and dog walker). Her main function was to 1. Supervise me 2. Drive me. This was the solution until I could drive and I never missed out on ANYTHING growing up.

      • Architect :

        My kids are 18 and 15 now. Back when they were little, I had the same guilty feelings. Both girls let me know how much they missed out at the time. They both were very vocal about it. Now they appreciate that I work and I have career. 18 year old told me recently that I am a good role model. Women can work, have a career and have kids. Everything will be fine.

        • +1. My parents both worked long hours. My summers were a hodgepodge of overnight summer camp (4 weeks), day camps, 1-week church camps, family vacation, visiting grandparents, and having a babysitter at home to supervise and drive me. I loved summer camp and usually loved family vacations. I hated some day camps and loved others. Honestly, I hated some babysitters and loved others. I survived the stuff I didn’t like and had some great experiences I wouldn’t have had if I’d just been home with a babysitter all summer. And I have a great relationship with my mother, who is an excellent role model.

        • Anonymous :

          Sounds like a good chance to teach your kids to be grateful for what they have and to not always try to keep up with the Joneses.

    • There's hope - things can shift! :

      I’ve always worked and for about ten years sacrified earning power by frantically shoving a full time job into thirty hours per week just so I would have some time to do what you describe. When my daughter was in 4th grade, I returned to a full time schedule. We live in one of those zip codes where a lot of moms don’t work and the ones who do tend to be something along the lines of a specialty surgeon, so she has many friends who spent leisurely summer days while she was dropped off at day camps.

      Here’s the interesting part. Around 7th grade, she really started to recognize and comment on family dynamics and attitudes towards discretionary income. For example, she started asking questions about what things cost and how much money my husband and I make, which was prompted by overhearing conversations of friends’ parents. She also started to recognize that I had the same career of some fathers who solely support their families and that my husband probably makes more money than I do. None of this had ever come up earlier. We just aren’t the kind of people who affix prices to things conversationally. (i.e. “Kate just broke a $100 pair of sandals.” or “That car costs over $100K.”) We are more likely to spend a crazy amount of money on Barcelona chairs that we really want then decide it’s not worth it to order a $3 iced tea in a restaurant. :)
      Ultimately, she detected a level of stress about money in other households where one parent did not work and decided my working is a worthwhile endeavor.

      Hang in there – this was no gradual appreciation. Instead, she just suddenly said, “Mom, I think our family is really lucky you have such a good job.” and the attitude stuck. She’s 15 now, and I’ve seen a ton of ups and downs over the years. Summers are the absolute WORST for working moms. Take off time when you can and know that they will be interested in training for a sport, taking Drivers Ed, or doing some other activity that will take up a lot of the Summer. You’ve got this!

      • Baconpancakes :

        Unrelated TJ: Are barcelona chairs actually comfortable for living? I’ve only ever sat on them in public spaces, where I’m not lounging for long periods of time. Love the look, would fit our aesthetic and space, but unsure of the comfort factor.

        • Anonymous :

          My parents have barcelona chairs. They’re comfortable for living but I wouldn’t equate them to an actual lounge chair. When I stay with them I usually sit in them to drink my coffee and read the newspaper in the morning. They have ottomans too, I can’t remember if they’re matching or not, I definitely prefer to put my feet up.

      • Anonymous :

        “We are more likely to spend a crazy amount of money on Barcelona chairs that we really want then decide it’s not worth it to order a $3 iced tea in a restaurant. :)”

        Are you me?

        B/c I am that person who never gets drinks, esp. when ordering take-out. WE HAVE LEMONADE AT HOME AND IT”S FREE.

    • I think your idea of having a blender drink right now now sounds fantastic. Pina colada anyone?

    • Threads like this make me realize time and time again how weird my own childhood was and how I have absolutely no idea what I will do when my own kid hits elementary school age. In my first grade, my brother (who is only two years older) and I commuted to and from our far away school together on public transit in a second world country. The next year our school implemented two shifts and of course we ended up in different shifts. My school started in the morning and his afternoon, so from then on I would take the bus cross city by myself. My dad was sometimes able to share the morning commute but in the afternoon we were separately on our own completely. My mom worked in an entirely different part of the city and had her own commute. Every weekday when we didn’t have some kind of an extracurricular (quite often), my brother and I were home by ourselves for HOURS until our parents got home. We fought so much in such intricately hurtful ways during this “leisure” time and it was completely awful. I don’t think either of us has recovered from this and while we will kill for one another out of duty, we are not good friends at all to this day. Maybe it would have been different if supervised but I would still prefer a structured activity over such leisure any day.

  9. dollar shave :

    Anyone using dollar shave or one of the other similar services for razors? My legs are not having it with shaving this summer and I’m constantly changing blades to reduce irritation. I know these services are geared towards men, but if these razors are good enough for faces I thought it might be worth a shot?

    • I use dollar shave club and have really liked it. I first ordered the middle razor (they have 3) that is recommended for women, but I found that the metal handle was too heavy for me. I was used to plastic, light-weight handles. So I switched to the lowest option, which is plastic w/ 2-blade razor. Works great and is on auto-ship!

    • Anonymous :

      Yup, I have. Dollar shave club is great, and I’ve used it for a while (after stealing SO’s extra blades for a while…whoops). The only issue I had is the frequency is meant for men who change the blade EVERY day. So, I ended up building up a stockpile of razor blades, and then cancelled. I’ll restart when I get low. But, great option because it’s so convenient and cost effective!

      • Yep me too. I have 3 boxes of unused razors. I think you can delay shipments or extend the time between shipments. I love it though and will also start back up when I need to.

        • Diff Anon :

          I use it and I delay shipments so that I get new blades about every four months (I refuse to shave my legs on a regular basis). I use the 5 blade with the heavy handle and it works great.

    • I use shavemob — the six blade flexible razor sounds ridiculous, but it works really well, and is quite cheap. (much cheaper than anything at target or the drugstore. apparently it’s called the Perfectionist? link to follow.


    • pugsnbourbon :

      Dollar shave club razors are great.

      For cheap in-store razors, I really like the Target 3-blade razors (they’re purple). I think you get like 4 for $5?

    • I found the supplier where Dollar Shave Club gets their razors. Use the G web search for Dorco. The razors are excellent and super cheap! My SO has very sensitive skin and has had no problems with their razors, and they are far less expensive than buying at the drugstore. They mostly sell in bulk, but the prices are so fair that I don’t mind having a decent supply around.

      • Just ordered! Thanks for the rec

      • Yes, this. I ordered Dollar Shave Club for my husband, and then shortly after discovered they were Dorco. I cancelled DSC and just started ordering them from Amazon. Exactly the same blades, we just have one handle that says Dorco (from Amazon) and one handle that doesn’t (from DSC).

    • I like it and it’s cheaper than drugstore blades. I use the 3-blade razor and it’s perfect. In summer I get monthly shipments (4 razors per shipment) because I shave more often and like a sharp blade to reduce irritation. I switch to shipments every other month in winter. I also appreciate that most of their packaging is cardboard and recyclable, unlike drugstore brands.

  10. Horse Crazy :

    What are some other similar s!tes people read during the day, with comment boards like this one? Sorry if this has been asked before. Thanks!

    • I wouldn’t say it is similar, but I love Cup of Jo. Nice articles and thoughtful comments, though the comments are pretty much all about the article topic.

      • Hah, I hate read Cup of Jo (but still check it often!). The posts are so bland and unobjectionable and it seems to just be all product placement more recently. Plus her inability to recognize the incredible privilege/wealth she’s gained from the blog is frustrating.

    • Wanderlust :

      I would say Ask a Manager is the only other s!te I find with a comparable comments section, but there you mostly have to stay on topic.

    • oh ya know :

      I’m a bitchy terrible person – so I read the Blogsnark reddit.

  11. Mark and Graham leather tote :

    Can anyone comment on the quality of leather totes from Mark and Graham? How do they compare with other options at similar price point?

    • I have a big leather bag from them that I got as my carry-on for a European trip. It’s similar the to the Italian Bow Bag they have now, but no bow. I LOVE it. It’s beautiful and very well made. I was stopped in the airport multiple times by people to comment on it. I’ve been eyeing a few others since then, and the only reason I haven’t pulled the trigger is that I don’t NEED another bag. Highly recommend.

  12. the most anon :

    It’s late so I will probably re-post tomorrow morning (and I’ll probably be stuck in mod forever anyway). Lawyers, help me figure out my next steps, please.

    My dad gave me a small collectible item last year. Think stamp, coin, little trinket that is probably worthless but in rare cases can be extremely valuable. A few weeks ago, he asked for it back, because he saw what he believes to be the same type of item at an auction house with bids starting at a number in the upper six figures. I looked for it and can’t find it anywhere–my best guess is that it must have accidentally gone into a Goodwill bag, since TBH my dad gives me a lot of worthless crap and most of it is auto-donated.

    He is prone to conspiracy theories and our relationship is challenging on its best days, and he has been on an escalating train of intensity since then. He initially thought that someone must have broken into my house and stolen it (unlikely–I don’t live in an area with sophisticated cat burglars on the prowl for expensive stamp-esque items), and pressured me to file a report with the police. To get him off my back, I called the non-emergency line and they agreed that it was unlikely that a crime had been committed, and so I did not file a report. I apologized to my dad, said I was sorry that this had happened, and that I regretted having been careless with something that he had given me. He has continued to obsess and escalate, and based on our most recent phone call, has said that he has contacted a lawyer to sue me for the perceived value of the item.

    This is just absurd. I cannot imagine that there’s a lawyer that will really do this–he has no documentation about what the item actually was (photos, written descriptions, whatever) to prove that it’s the exact same as the one that is being auctioned off. And I just…cannot believe (while at the same time, yes, I do believe) that he’s doing this to me. Is this a thing that can happen? Do I get a lawyer? How do I even explain this to a legal professional?

    Our relationship as father and daughter is obviously over. I’ll probably be contacting my EAP in the next day or so for a referral to a therapist. What else do I do?

    • Anonymous :

      Hugs. I’m sorry. At this point, I don’t think there is anything you need to do from a legal perspective. If/when he tries to sue you, that is the point to retain a lawyer. TBH, I don’t think that any (most?) ethical lawyers would take his case.

      At most, I would write down everything that you can remember about all of this. The date he gave it to you, the date he asked for it, the day you called the police and the recommendation they provided, etc. This way it’s an easy reference.

      Good luck.

    • Anonymous :

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! I’m a lawyer. I would recommend waiting to be served with a lawsuit to contact/hire a lawyer, but you could starting asking around for referrals. My first impression is that your father doesn’t have a valid claim because the item was a gift, and you were free to do what you wanted with it. He also doesn’t seem to have any evidence to support a claim even if he had one. Hopefully, the lawyers he contacts will conclude the same thing even with his side of the story. (If they are asked to take the case on contingency, rather than for an hourly fee, they will likely do some diligence before taking the step of filing a lawsuit.)

    • He gave you a gift. You could have intentionally lit it on fire after he gave it to you, if that’s what you wanted to do with it. It was yours. He has no legal case against you whatsover. I hope that someone explains that to him in a way he is willing to understand. I’m sorry that he is doing this to your relationship.

    • New job who dis :

      omg bless you for putting up with this. I don’t envy you.

      I think involving the law is a little extreme. both on his part and yours. Don’t give in to his wild delusions.

      Cops and lawyers are going to look at him like the crazy person he is. It was a gift. he can’t take it back. (and it probably wasn’t worth sh1t) you lost it. (woops)

    • You don’t need a lawyer. He gifted you the thing – I can’t imagine what he’d sue you for. People call lawyers all the time & reference calling lawyers like we’re magic wands or something that will make their issues resolve in their favor. It doesn’t actually work like that. In the off chance someone contacts you, deal with it then but don’t waste money on this now. He just sounds a little bonkers, I’m sorry. Therapy is a good solution and better use of your time and funds.

    • If he gave it to you, as a gift, it was yours.

    • This is not at all legal advice because I’m not even a litigator. But, I wouldn’t worry at all about getting sued unless you are actually served with papers. It’s really easy for people to get worked up about something, toss around the idea of suing, and even call their lawyer friends to assess what their rights are. But lawyers have a really, really good sense of what their time is worth and they aren’t likely going to waste it on a crazy case like this that lacks any evidence.

    • Anonymous :

      Echoing what others said above.

      I’m an attorney. When one of my family members was being threatened with legal action over something objectively ridiculous (mostly to get the aforementioned family member to back down and cave to ridiculousness), I said that I would accept service of process on her behalf, and to communicate that, and my office address, to the person threatening legal action.

      The threats evaporated.

    • Thanks folks. He has a history of bringing frivolous lawsuits, so it’s not a totally empty threat, unfortunately. I’ve wondered in the past how he can find lawyers to represent them, but I’m sad to say that he sometimes does get the results he wants. It’s good to know that there’s nothing I need to do on the legal side unless he serves me with papers–this is not in my wheelhouse at all, obviously. I’ve told him verbally and in a text that I will not communicate with him any further while he’s threatening to sue me.

      I’m sad for him. He feels angry, alone, trapped, and helpless, by a difficult financial situation (of his own making) and by life circumstances, and I’ve historically been the person he vents all of that onto. I am also concerned that he has some undiagnosed mental issues, but of course, he won’t listen to me about talking to his doctor or seeing a therapist. But threatening to sue me over an honest mistake is the last straw. I can’t do this anymore. I am just…done.

      • I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. Best of luck.

      • Anonymous :

        I’m so, so sorry.

        You haven’t done anything wrong.

        You’re father is clearly mentally ill. I know this because my father would behave very similarly.

        A very low dose of the medication Latuda has been life changing for all of us. Getting him to the geriatric psychiatrist for treatment was the most painful and slow process of my life.

        I strongly agree with therapy for you. Agree that cutting off communication is appropriate for now.

        And to reinforce …. your father is ill. Part of you hopefully can step back and remind yourself – this is his disease talking, and is not a true reflection of how he really feels about you. And sadly, he does not know he is sick. He doesn’t have insight. That is part of the disease. And that is why it is so difficult to treat.

      • Forget about your “honest mistake.” He gave you a gift; you either lost it or “re-gifted” it to Goodwill. He gave it to you; it was yours. Even if you had it, you were under no obligation to give it back. Lose that language; it won’t help in any litigation if he is either wealthy enough or convincing enough to find a lawyer to represent him.
        P.S. On the off-chance that it is worth what he thinks, have you checked your usual goodwill location?

        And I am very sorry you are having to deal with this–frivolous or not, being sued is no fun whatsoever (from someone who was sued by defendant in a lawsuit my firm brought — happy ending is that he wound up in federal prison years later for attempting to bribe a judge.)

  13. Anonymous :

    Thank goodness for anonymous blogs where I can ask this: are underwear that give me wedgies too small?? I’m a pear with wide hips and a round behind. I think I may be chronically buying undergarments that are too small, because I get wedgies a lot. It’s really annoying. They fit my hips but ride up in the back.

    • There will likely be comments about the vanishing edge and other miraculous brands. I’m a similar shape and I’ll say – they don’t work on us. Just get on the thong train, if it all ends up in there anyway, why not choose a smaller amount of material?

      • I am generally a thong wearer for this exact reason but there are certain skirts/dresses where I get VPL from thongs not laying smoothly…how have I not figured this out yet in my near 30 years on this earth? ha

    • Anonymous :

      The might be the right size, but not the right shape/cut/style? You could need more coverage in the back so that the physics to keep it there happens, rather than it being easier to …collect?… in the crack.

      Otherwise, something with silicone strips on the legholes could help too.

    • It may be shape of underwear rather than size. Are you buying “bikini cut” that go sort of high on the thighs? I sometimes find that they don’t have enough fabric to actually cover the entire cheek, and then as I walk they slowly move inwards. I also find that to be true with “girl shorts” styles. Also also, this happens more for me with the laser-cut microfiber styles that have no seam across the cheek. If there’s no seem, there’s nothing to anchor the fabric and it doesn’t stay put. Depends on brand, because different brands are all cut a little differently. Try a boy short style (which I did not initially realize was different than girl shorts) or really any one that is cut lower on the thighs.

    • Sigh. Comment in mod again. check back.

    • Anonymous :

      Possibly. Why not buy a pair in one size up, and another in two sizes up, and see what happens? Nobody is looking at the size number of your underwear to judge you on it being a certain size, so don’t let sizing up keep you from finding a good fit.

    • Anonymous :

      I am like you. Pear shaped, wide hips, round rear. And it turns out that although I wear size 2-6 curvy pants depending on the brand, I have to wear L or XL underwear for my shape.

      I learned on this site to size up on my underwear. The Soma vanishing edge bikinis work for me if I size up appropriately. Try ordering a couple sizes in a few cuts. Find the one that works.

  14. Anonymous :

    Maybe they’re too big,? If you’re wide of hip and relatively flat of butt, then you may have extra fabric that’s getting picked up by friction from your clothes.

  15. Anonymous :

    May be too late in the day to get much response, but I’ll try anyway.

    DH quit his job yesterday. He had a number of good reasons for doing so: his boss was a terrible, toxic project manager; he negotiated commissions when he took the job and then his boss refused to pay them; he signed on to work on software development for a particular product, and instead has spent most of his time help with another product that he has come to believe doesn’t actually work and is concerned about his reputation in the industry if he keeps trying to sell it to people who know and trust him. Not to mention the stress was turning him into an insomniac. We discussed all this and more before he decided to quit and I’m supportive of the concept of quitting.

    But he’s now working with two friends/former co-workers to try to set up their own business (his friends have actually been working on this for a few months and have meetings with investors lined up, so this is not a whim) and I’m worried. This could go belly up. They could work on it for a year and never make a dime. They’re working on getting this company going but he’s not making any money right now and it sort of feels like he’s jobless. I’ve never had a dependent before (since we’ve been together we’ve both always had regular office jobs) and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

    Anyone been through something similar? Thoughts?

    • Anonymous :

      I guess my first advice would be to stop thinking of him as your “dependent.” You guys are in this relationship together, presumably. He may not be earning income right now but that shouldn’t mean he’s contributing nothing to your life.

    • Make sure that both of you sit down and understand the budget you would be working with living on one income. Many people fail to understand just how tight things get and it’s important to be realistic here. If both of you can be OK with it, then don’t think of him as a dependent, think of him as an entrepreneur. It’s very damaging to your perception of your partner to evaluate him as you would a child and it can unconsciously creep into your daily life. If you’re not OK with the budget, either put a timer on his current situation or he needs to look for work. You also need to listen to yourself regarding the non-job items you’re subconsciously expecting him to do more of because he is not bringing money. If you are, bring it up and air it. It’s damaging to expect him to do the dishes because – obviously, what else is he doing for this home – but he doesn’t know about this expectation.

    • Anonymous :

      Uhhh he’s been jobless for a day. What did you think would happen if he quit his job?

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve been through something kindof similar. I think it really depends on your financial situation and both of your tolerances for risk and what’s really going on.

      For your own financial situation–What’s the worst-case scenario? How long can you afford for your husband to go without income? Even within the realm of what you can possibly afford, what are you willing to sacrifice, and for how long? Will him not having income delay any major plans or other goals?

      Some things to consider in terms of risk and upside–Is your husband foregoing income or just being asked to put up capital? Is he a shareholder, and if so, how much decision-making power will he have, and how much of the profits will he get? Is there a business plan, or are they developing one? Does he believe in the product or service being offered? Do he and his friends have experience with the product or service being offered? Is there anything in anyone’s history or personality that suggests they’d be a really good or really terrible business owner?

      Bonus questions on culture/lifestyle–Are there other reasons that you’re uncomfortable with him not working an office job? Why does it feel like he doesn’t have a job–because he is foregoing income in favor of stock (in a company with a present value of 0) or because he’s lounging in his sweatpants all day or because he’s not actually doing any work? How serious is he about this new venture–is he following a passion with relevant skills to contribute, or is this a fun break from the real world? How serious are his friends?

    • anonshmanon :

      It’s only been a day, so understandably there are a lot of details to be sorted out.
      Fundamentally, you both need to be on the same page re: can we afford husband to not have an income for x months? What is x? What is our lifestyle during that time? Can you downscale expenses and still be content? If x months go by and the company isn’t running, what is the exit strategy?
      Is he fully working while they get the company running? If yes, what is the expected timeline until there is a salary? If not, can he work a side job to bring in at least a couple hundred?
      Very important: is he considering to invest his own savings into this venture? Are you ok with that? How much is the limit?
      It also sounds like you feel stressed out about the responsibility as the main breadwinner, I can relate to that. Taking a good look at our budget, and our savings usually helps with that. But imo, when you are in it as a couple for the long term, these phases are bound to happen (unexpected layoffs, sickness, taking time for family reasons, going back to school). Thank god you are in it together.

    • So many issues, none of which are what you’re asking about.

      1. Anyone who leaves that kind of job will have long term problems. It is difficult to explain to hiring managers. It destroys confidence. It can permeate every aspect of life. Let him decompresss and provide a space for him to become himself again.

      2. Any of those ventures are risky. He needs to talk to someone with expertise to evaluate his offer, compensation, what happens if he leaves, and personal liability. Friends or not, get a quality employment lawyer to walk him through this.

      3. Your husband is your partner, not your dependent. If you think this situation – entirely behind his control – makes him “lesser” and not a partner, you need to find a divorce lawyer. For his sake.

    • StartupHusband :

      Ha, I posted something similar a few months back and got mildly dragged for my anxiety about budgets. If you’ve got a throwaway email, lmk and I’ll talk with you about how this looks six months in for our family.

  16. Anonymous :

    Weird question, but if you have gray starting to show in your hair, does wearing gray or charcoal make it more obvious?

    • Anonymous :

      This is a good question.

      I love grey with my preferred color palate (black/navy/white/burgundy), but unfortunately with my coloring it washes me out a little and seems to highlight my grey. So I wear it carefully. Grey pants work well. A grey cardigan over a shirt of another color that is better close to my face. I avoid grey shirts, scarves, coats.

    • I find that wearing both gray and taupe tones brings out my gray hair. I am still doing some lowlights (recently turned 50), but as I go more gray, I increasingly like the effect of these colors.

  17. Anonymous :

    Why have my benign, boring posts been in moderation for 5 hours?

  18. I like CupofJo personally. Why must she reiterate her privilege in every blog post just to please you? Yes, she’s white, well-off and monetized her blog. So what? Good for her.

  19. Why aren’t you teaching your children by example to run their own races? Who cares what some SAHM whose day consists of pilates and yoga does?

  20. Junior In-house :

    Seeking advice on whether/how to handle an issue with my line manager (in-house).

    I prepared a detailed internal note on a particular topic. It involved a lot of research, liaising with others accross the organisation and consumed a lot of time. I sent the note to my line manager because he likes to manage the communication flows to the wider team. He made not changes other than to replace my name with his on the note itself and sent out the note, specifically saying he had prepared it. In a later meeting he claimed to have “liasised with x, y, and z in the [other worldwide] office”. I got no acknowledgement or feedback from him either in public or in private.

    Should I just suck this up as normal practice?

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