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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
I was surprised to see that Commando is now making suiting! They've long been a favorite brand for opaque tights, no-VPL thongs, faux leather pants, and buttery soft camisoles, bodysuits, and slips — but I haven't seen suits before!
Neiman Marcus has both blazer and pants in black for $298 and $278, respectively; they come in sizes XS-XL. (The blazer also comes in white.) The fabric is described as a “luxe neoprene tech fabric with raw edges;” care instructions say it's ok to machine wash and dry the pieces.
Psst: Leather bralette optional, of course… and is it just me are the shoes absolutely hideous? But then, I never can stand it when they style suits with sandals…
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anonymous
The shoes are too small. Her heel is hanging off the back!
Emma
Haha! They really are!
Anon
I didn’t even notice, due to the fact that she forgot her shirt!
Anonymous
And her underw*ar, if the brand’s name is to be believed. . .
Anon
Hahahaha.
Anon
This is the walk of shame to end all walks of shame. No shirt and some other girl’s shoes.
Anonymous
LOL
Cat
I couldn’t get past the awful high-heeled flip flop look in the first place to even make it to the fit… have we already passed the 90’s revival and advanced to 2003? Tara Reid, time for a career comeback!
anon
Omg, this is totally giving off Tara Reid vibes!
Anonymous
For multiple reasons,high-heeled flip flop tops my list of unacceptable “fashion”. It was a running joke between me and my very-into-women’s -shoes boyfriend in the 90s.
Aunt Jamesina
The very worst iteration being kitten heeled flip flops
Anonymous
Kitten heeled anything is on the list, so yes, agreed.
Anon
In HS I bought a pair on super sale thinking they were cute dress up shoes. The first time I wore them was also the last time I wore them. I still remember hobbling about all day like a newborn deer.
Curious
I did a double take and wondered if it was April Fool’s Day.
anon
i obviously wouldn’t wear this to work but I do really like the look and would totally wear it if I had somewhere to wear it to!
pugsnbourbon
It’s giving me Selling Sunset vibes!
Emma
Tips on getting your work ethic / motivation / drive up? I feel like all through high school and college, as well as early working years, I was a Type A overachiever and constantly trying to go above and beyond. Now I just… don’t… My job is such that I don’t really have deadlines (or honestly any type of oversight), so all motivation has to come internally. Most mornings I just can’t even get myself to start. I check here, read random news sites, and next thing I know it’s noon. I work for a couple of hours and then hit a wall around 2 or 3. I’ve been trying to go into the office more, but honestly that doesn’t really even help that much.
How do you go about creating a sense of urgency and internal drive for yourself? I feel guilty and constantly jealous of people who seem to spend 8 hours a day fully focused and still have the energy to fully commit and invest in their jobs. I’m just so tired and blah and unmotivated all the time.
Anon
right there with you. i was also a type A overachiever with degrees from top schools and etc. and now i do the bare minimum, spend too much time wasting time on the internet and on social media. i also have a job that has few deadlines and i used to be really good at being productive and managing my time well and using extra time to at least take care of personal stuff, but now i just waste time and then complain i have no time. i also just got promoted and a raise the likelihood of that happening again anytime soon is nil. i’m trying to give myself some grace as life with two small children, no local family and a DH who works and travels a lot makes my work time almost like my me time. i have some work projects i’d love to get done, but….
Friends?
OMG thanks for posting this coz I’ve been feeling the same for last several months. I even went to my PCP to get meds for depression coz it’s so unlike me to be anything but a type A. I don’t even have kids so that’s not my excuse. My career is/was my everything and I just don’t… Not that I don’t care.. I kinda do. Anyway I realize I’m rambling so hopefully someone here can provide helpful advice.
Cat
when I get like this, it’s because the old saying “if you want something done, ask a busy person” holds true.
So, let’s say I have 6 things on my list, none of which are urgent. If I challenge myself to get at least 3 or 4 of them knocked out in a day, I have no issue focusing. If I think, oh I’ll just finish X today and save the rest for tomorrow, I’m hopeless.
Nora
I work like this too. I do better when I’m busy. I struggle with switching tasks so not having huge amounts of down time in between is super helpful
Anon
I don’t. I get done what needs to get done and they pay me a lot of money and that’s completely fine by me. I kept getting promoted at my last company and got a two step up level job at my current company (got recruited) so it’s working just fine for me!!
Do you WANT to continue to “overacheive” or do you just think you should be that way? If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t worry about it and would lean into enjoying not being stressed out and overworked.
Anon
+1
If you’re getting your work done and your bosses are happy then what’s the problem?
Ellen
I have always been a top performer @ work, so my advise to the HIVE is to keep your noses down in the books so that you always look smart when called upon to do a task for your manageing partner. Dad gave me this word of advise years ago when I was serving subpeenies in bad neighborhoods, and I never looked back! By working instead of complaining, I was abel to move up in the world of law and now really only have the manageing partner’s slot in my reach since he is now 80 years old and interested in kicking back with his new family in the Hamtons rather then trucking into work here. I figure that could be me in 40 years, but I want to retire at age 60, even if I won’t have a place in the Hamton’s.
Anon
I have felt this way at my job for the last two years and I am dealing with it by getting a new job. I went to my therapist about previously diagnosed ADHD and she basically said, sure you can medicate but why don’t you try to get a job you actually want to do.
Carly
I have something in the anxiety-ADHD spectrum and I don’t know how much I agree with this.
Before / in the beginning of the pandemic I had a crazy busy job that I loved. I wasn’t medicated, I wasn’t really stressed, it was great.
Later on in the pandemic that job ended (was a limited-time job) and I took a job that was not a good fit. That combined with the ongoing pandemic and the let down from the first job was a lot – I was definitely depressed. I knew what it was because its been an issue before. I started going to therapy and taking meds, and it helped.
I switched to a job I like now – but I’m still on meds. Without meds I’m alright but with the meds my overall daily stress level is just so much lower. So I think there is room for both. I agree that picking a job and career that is well suited to how you work can help a lot.
Anonymous
I really love my job, but my brain doesn’t like my job without a little bit of extra help. I take a non-stimulant medication daily and a stimulant a few days a week depending on my schedule. With meds, I have the executive function to maintain the planner and other coping skills that are needed to handle my job without extreme stress. Without meds, I flail from deadline to deadline just barely getting through.
Anonymous
This is only a small part of the issue but addressing an iron deficiency I had actually helped enormously with this. It’s apparently possible to be iron deficient without being anemic and for reasons that I don’t understand at all, it can make you tired even though you are not anemic.
Anon
It’s sometimes hard for me to wrap my head around what a big difference addressing a deficiency can make. I’ve said this here before, but I guess they’re called “essential” nutrients for a reason!
anon
I am you at times. I don’t have many deadlines until I do; basically, if I’m not making at least some progress each day, I am creating major headaches for myself down the road.
So, what to do. If I start my day by browsing social and news sites, I can count on having a spectacularly unproductive day. Start with the smallest, easiest task on the list. Starting is the hardest part, and the point is to build momentum. Have breaks that you can look forward to. If I’m really struggling, I’ll set a timer for just 5-10 minutes and tell myself to Start Anything, Literally Anything. Usually, that’s enough to get me going.
I also like creating a “done” list, rather than a neverending To-Do list. Seeing progress is what tricks my brain into not spiraling.
I don’t feel as driven as I did in my 20s, not by a long shot. But my work product is still solid, and I often have to remind myself that I feel better about myself when I’m actually doing something even when I don’t wanna.
Anonymous
You need a different job. It sounds great on paper, but it isn’t a good fit for you. The reward of doing the work is not sufficiently motivating to you. You either need more structure and deadlines, more feedback and oversight, and/or more compelling tasks – mostly likely some combination of all of these things.
FWIW, I think most people would struggle in your situation unless the work itself was something they were genuinely passionate about, and that’s true for very few jobs. Even artists have to force themselves to create some structure, find other artists to talk to to create community and get feedback, and find deadlines to work toward.
anonshmanon
Yup, I switched from a completely self-driven job for this reason. It’s not only easier for me to get stuff done when other people depend on it, but it gives me a different kind of job satisfaction as well. There is nothing wrong with wanting work that’s a better fit for you, and that can also change over the years.
Aside from that, it’s been shown that a lot of people don’t have the ability to do focused, creative work for 8 or more hours. There might be exceptions, but I feel pretty confident that producing 5-6 hours of good work and doing rote tasks for the rest of the day is normal.
Anonymous
I have been using an artificial intelligence to do list that has honestly done wonders for me. It’s like having a little personal assistant nag me into working through my tasks and projects. It is pricey but really worth considering. https://www.usemotion.com/
Anon
Couple of things here…
1) Burnout? You may just need a bit of a break.
2) Depression? Is this just job related or is it whole life related? Related: If you are already on meds, maybe you need a tweak. I just did this. We’ll see how it goes.
3) Bored at job? Maybe it’s become super mundane and uninteresting. This happens with me and is how I know I need to move on.
4) The realization that you do not have to be an over-achiever and that late stage capitalism is bs?
Honestly, unless it’s having an impact on where you want to go with your career or you’re getting bad reviews, don’t stress about it. I sometimes feel the same way and I’ve realized that it’s OK if I work differently than others. Maybe I can only focus for a couple of hours but when I do, I’m a machine.
Loss of smell/taste
Has anyone experienced intermittent loss of sense of smell and taste with Covid? I know it can be lost with Covid but any experience with it coming back and then losing it again?
Anon
My sister is a year out and says things still don’t taste the same. She didn’t mention it coming and going though.
Are you sure you didn’t catch it again?
OP
It is my 7 year old son who has it. He just got Covid and lost his smell and taste 2 days ago, then he said it came back this morning, and at lunch he said he lost it again. I have not heard of that happening so I was curious if others have had that happen.
Cat
anecdata, but among my circle who have had Covid recently, the severity of the symptoms waxed and waned a little – but thankfully all of us were back to normal within a week.
Anon
Oh, on that short a time scale it totally makes sense. I thought you were talking about someone who had Covid months ago and has had on and off loss of smell or taste since then.
Anonymous
My husband lost it in December and has said it comes and goes. Some days he can smell and taste, sometimes he can’t.
CapHillAnon
This is me too!
Anon
I had COVID in October and can smell and taste some things but not others. Maybe he’s experiencing the same thing.
startup lawyer
i lost it in Dec of 2020 it took a month to come back and it’s been at 80%. i got a cold last week and completely lost it again for a week.
Anom
Had a couple of super interesting interviews (HR screener, then supervising attorney, then panel of internal clients) for an in-house job that was really my dream job. The last interview was on Thurs and I haven’t heard back yet from HR re next steps, so I’m making peace with myself that it wasn’t meant to be. So disappointing.
pugsnbourbon
Eh hiring always takes longer than expected. I wouldn’t write it off just yet.
Anon
Agree, too soon to write it off.
Monday
Agreed. It’s been less than a week. They may have other finalists they need to interview, or be putting together your offer package, which takes time. Don’t assume anything yet, and you can check in one time as to your status, if you haven’t already.
Anon
In house hiring can be very slow. At my company, we would still be comparing notes one week out. Things can linger for a while – people don’t always send their feedback promptly etc. Sending you good vibes!
Cat
Thursday? Like – 3.5 business days ago? All you need is one decisionmaker to be out of town for vacation and you’ll easily lose 2 weeks at a time. In house hiring is not the same as firm pace!
Anon
Yeah this is a little off to think you’d already know. Monday was a holiday for many too.
Anon
Yea this expectation is really unrealistic especially during the summer months. This timeline would not at all indicate you weren’t getting an offer in my group.
Anon
And keep in mind that ALL of those people you talked to have to give feedback to the hiring attorney and trust me that can be like pulling teeth even for amazing candidates.
Anon
That was only 4 business days ago! That’s nothing in a hiring timeline.
Anom
Thanks for the reality check. They were really fast for first few interviews and I know they’re looking for someone ASAP. Easy to go down the rabbit hole of job hunt pessimism and despair…
Bonnie Kate
This could be our company at times. We sometimes move super fast with interviews and then if someone is gone, it takes a few weeks for an offer. Or there was an opening in our schedule where we could interview, but then a big project comes up and takes all of the time/mindspace. I promise you (and all of our candidates) this is truly not personal; it’s just a reality.
Bonnie Kate
Agree with all the people saying that that that amount of time means nothing. I don’t even think they’ve wronged you at all with this length of time. We interviewed someone on Friday who we quite like, but one of the decision makers is out of town all of this week, I’m on vacation Friday and Monday, so we won’t have an offer to them until next week. We actually conveyed clearly in the interview – it would be a few weeks due to traveling before we would have an offer ready – yet candidate has called me twice this week with “questions” which really were not questions but trying to move it forward with a firm offer asap. We still really like him, he’s well fitted for the role (all the follow up initiative is actually quite suited for the position), I am glad he’s excited about the role, but I specifically told him today that we would not be in touch until next Tuesday or Wednesday with an offer simply because all the decision makers were not available until then.
anon
Yup, this. Decisions are getting made at a snail’s pace right now because everyone is on vacation, working intermittently, etc.
JCH
Has anyone tried the new(er) Cuyana system tote? I’m tempted but not sure what size to get or whether the handles will hold up well. Any thoughts?
JCH
Link: https://www.cuyana.com/bags/totes/system-tote/10010061.html?dwvar_10010061_color=caramel
Anonymous
The big difference is that the handles are cut from the same piece as the body of the bag, unlike the classic tote that has handles that are attached on to the body of the bag. It should mean that the handles are less likely to stretch out, but it does mean that they are thicker then the classic tote. If you have an issue with the classic tote handles digging into your shoulders, it should alleviate some of this issue.
Sizing is for different laptops, if you are planning on using it to carry one, I’d get the size that works for your laptop. If you aren’t carrying one, or just a ipad or something like that, I’d go for the smaller one. It still has plenty of room but doesn’t feel as wide as the larger one.
If you are able to go to a store, if would suggest it. The system tote has a bit more of a slouchy vibe, but it still looks professional.
Anon
Thinking about savings… how do you guys balance? I feel like right now I don’t budget at all and spend around $3600 a month all in (annual savings including 401k is around 80k). If I started budgeting I think I could probably get down to like 2,600 a month (maybe less if I really cared), and save an extra 12k a year. I feel guilty for not having a budget and kind of irresponsible, but also like the difference between 80k and 92k in savings seems like a small cost to feel unburdened by budgeting/financial stress.
What type of calculations do you guys do to balance between living life up now versus maximizing savings?
Monday
Have you ever come across the “50-30-20” approach? I use it as a guideline though do not stick to it rigidly, and it has worked great for me even in times when my housing and utility costs were a little above half of my net monthly pay.
OP
Ooh will look into this, thank you!
Anon
It seems to me like you save a lot already and it’s not worth cutting back to save more unless you have a specific goal. We have a HHI around 160k. We try to save $50-60k in pre-tax retirement accounts and spend the rest, which seems to work out to about $6,000-7,000 a month.
Anon
You take home ~$125k a year and save $80k of that, and your question is if spending $40k is too much.
I mean, if you feel like you’re wasting $10,000 a year, by all means, stop spending that which does not contribute to your well being. But I would not twist myself into knots to save another thousand dollars every month if already living well below my means.
Senior Attorney
Agree. You’re saving more than you’re spending, and your spending is quite low, so why do you want to mess with success?
Amy
Plenty of people, myself included, find that one of the benefits of a high income is that you can live the lifestyle you want without having to budget, while still saving plenty. Sounds like that’s where you are, so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. “Maximizing” savings is sort of a silly goal – you can always save more.
Anon
+1 I have a high income because I work hard. The last thing I want is added stress worrying and counting how much I spend. It sounds like you are saving enough, so enjoy the rest!
Anonymous
Why not just set it up so a certain amount is moved to savings or investments every month? Start small, and if you don’t miss the money then go bigger.
Anon
It’s always a balance between living your life now vs later, but try to cut out things that are thoughtless spending and not really bringing you any value or joy. Some of these will be easy to cut out if you take a minute to look at them. Don’t cut out the hard stuff and anything that would bum you out to lose.
Now, if your pay structure includes stock options or year end bonuses, do not spend those. You already have a month to month you can afford, so your year end should not be funding lifestyle. That’s an opportunity for painless saving. My habit was always to treat myself to one nice thing when i got a bonus, but I saved the vast majority of those (my “treat” was never more than 10%, and often less) and when I got laid off at age 54 at the beginning of a global pandemic, years of saved bonuses meant I didn’t have to panic, and now I’m able to work part time as a contractor for the rest of my career. Your future self will thank you!!
Anonymous
Agree, I’m always amazed looking at my cc statements how few of my discretionary purchases were profoundly enjoyable or valuable.
Anon
This is why I spend essentially all my disposable income on travel. I regret much of the “stuff” I buy. I never regret experiences, especially travel.
Deedee
Agree with this good advice! I’m always amazed looking at my cc statements how few of my discretionary purchases were profoundly enjoyable or valuable.
Anonymous
I grew up low income, and my mom (and sister) are always on me about spending money. In my late 30s now, and I make more than anyone in my family has ever earned. I have a budget, no debt besides student loans, and retirement savings. She thinks that there isn’t ever enough, and I should save save save. I’ve stopped telling her how and what I spend my money, but she still made a lot of comments when I took my first vacation in 4 years last fall.
My mom buys clothes on sale because they’re cheap even if they don’t fit or will fall apart in a year due to being cheap Walmart wear. I have a 10 year old car, and I want a new one. I made the mistake of mentioning this, and she immediately got on me about “you don’t need a new car”. My car has already had expensive repairs: new transmission, fuel pump, water pump, some other thing that I forgot but it’s part of the fuel injection. I explained it makes more sense to get a new car than to continue fixing a high mileage, old car that isn’t dependable and has left me stranded on the road twice. KBB says it’s worth $2K. In her life, people buy cars and drive them into the ground no matter the cost to fix it.
I’m kind of venting, but the point is we earn money to spend it on things that make our lives easier. If saving more would cause stress, it isn’t worth it…no matter the savings.
Anonymous
Wow. Where/how do you live on $3600 a month? I spend $3000 on mortgage and student loans. Then I have to eat, pay utilities, drive, pay for insurance, care for my dogs, get clothes and shoes, entertain myself, buy household goods, maintain my yard and home, keep myself healthy, and more.
Anonymous
+1 my mortgage alone is over $2K on a 2 BR condo
Anonymous
This doesn’t seem unreasonable to me if you have no student loans and don’t live in a major city? I’m in a large-ish SEUS town and if I had a longer mortgage, I think mine would be roughly that. (my mortgage is ~$2500/month for 3 BR, but it’s a 10 year). If you’ve got student loans, however… Mine were like a whole other mortgage payment, so once that were paid off, the monthly expenses dropped a ton
Deedee
I just want to offer an alternative to what some commenters are saying. On the one hand, making as much money as you do means that you don’t HAVE to have a strict budget of saving everything you can. But when I ask myself this type of question, it’s usually because I do feel as though I’m spending too much.
I grew up without much money, so perhaps this influences my view. Sometimes I crave…the restraint? discipline? of being on a tight budget and saying no to things. A frictionless life of spending what I wish without budgeting is like eating only cupcakes. Of course I want the major things like housing, electricity, food to be frictionless, don’t get me wrong! And I love being able to treat my friends to lunch or buy myself wine and cookies without checking my dining budget. But it doesn’t have to be that easy ALL the time. Maybe as an in between: is there some small area of your life where you could do a little challenge? Such as not buying coffee out for a month, forgoing a routine expenditure for one week, or substituting a budget item for a more expensive one and saving the balance.
Anonymous
I think this is interesting. And I think it’s connected to an emotional reward: anticipation. If you never budget, never ask if you really need or can afford this, where in your life are you getting to feel anticipation, looking forward, choosing between things or looking forward to something?
There’s a big difference between anticipation and looking forward to something, and knowing that whatever you do you’ll be deprived or never reach whatever you need to survive or thrive. The latter is exhausting, but a good system for channeling your resources into anticipation can be a good thing.
If you have been deprived, however, either in terms of food or housing insecurity, or a different hardship, I think that “not having to think about it” could be just as powerful and useful to you as channeling a thrill of anticipation.
Anonymous
W/r/t work motivation – does anyone else feel like you’re either unmotivated or sprinting, not just because of a deadline but you get into a zone?
Anon
I was a bit late for the wedding registry discussion this morning and wanted to add this.
My mom would have been 83 this year, rest her soul. Before she passed, I had to help her many times with wedding gift buying. She lived on $1800/month social security and had a lot of medical expenses, so she couldn’t afford much, but if she knew a young couple were getting married and “starting their lives together” (her words) she wanted to send them a wedding present. The catch was that she wanted to send something in the $30-$50 range, she didn’t want to send cash (was embarrassed by the small amount) and often couldn’t find anything in that price range on the registries. One registry she was particularly crushed by didn’t have anything less than $100.
She was never able to attend the actual weddings, but always wanted to send something. So, just a tip, even if you don’t want a bunch of stuff, please register for some hand towels at Target or something along those lines, and give your older friends and relatives a chance to feel good about sending you something to celebrate your big day.
Senior Attorney
OXO small kitchen tools are great for this.
Curious
Everything OXO is amazing. I have not yet found an exception.
Anonymous
This is such a great comment, and I agree completely. Towels, pillow cases or linen napkins are stuff that will be used up, but will still feel like a nice and very useful thing to give.
Curious
And, as I learned from my mom (Midwest side doesn’t do cash!), Target is more accessible to the same demographic than e.g. an Amazon or Zola registry. On my husband’s (New England) side it was checks all the way.
anon
Midwesterner here, and this is absolutely the case. My mom is not tech savvy at all, and online registries are very deflating. One brick-and-mortar option is a way to help include the older generations that are just not gonna Amazon.
Also, another cultural difference: it would be okay for older relatives to give money but it would be weird coming from a peer or someone in the same generation.
Anon
Agreed completely. I would go further and say you should really have some items in the $25 range. We got married right after my husband finished grad school and several of his grad classmates got us very cheap items, like a $10 spatula. They spent a lot of money to attend the wedding and we wouldn’t have been at all offended if they didn’t get us a gift, but people feel really embarrassed showing up empty handed.
Sloan Sabbith
This is also helpful if you have poor friends whose financial situations you might not know. Two of my friends from law school had a registry that was law-students-with-no-jobs friendly. It had kitchen tools, hand towels, small bathroom items (like the ceramic soap dispenser bottles), and other items like that in the 10-20 range. They specifically put on their wedding website that “If you can’t get us anything, your presence is our present. If you can buy us one ladle, that’s one ladle we’ll always think of you when we use.” I got them dish towels and a Pyrex baking dish with a spatula because I did not have any extra money.
Anonymous
Also, if you receive one of these items at your shower, don’t giggle at it. I gave the napkin rings on the registry as a very very broke law student who was paying to be in my friend’s wedding (and also gave a lot of nicer gifts on the day) and did not appreciate the snickering. It was a $30 gift when I had no source of income besides loans.
Curious
Oh that’s horrible. I’m sorry you experienced that.
Signed, gave the salt ‘n’ pepper shakers back in the day before I worked in tech.
Anon at 5:43
I remember that feeling, and have given a few duos of wine glasses or cereal bowls at weddings where I spent my month’s whole “fun” budget to attend, and would have been devastated if they giggled at my effort to give them something that they actually wanted that I could afford.
Anon
Oh that’s horrible. You were being a kind and supportive friend. The people snickering were complete jerks.
Seventh Sister
Yes! Once upon a time I was a broke law student who bought a single champagne flute because it was all I could afford for a friend’s wedding. I would loved to buy some dish towels or an OXO measuring set.
Anonymous
This is one reason we didn’t have a registry anywhere, and were very clear to anyone who asked what we would like that we would appreciatewhatever they chose from our generic list, no matter how small or inexpensive.
anon
If you didn’t have a registry, what generic list are you using? Like … please don’t make me guess what you like.
Anonymous
Generic as in saying tea towels or whathave you instead of this specific item at this specific store. When people specifically asked, we told them what we liked and gave a few generic ideas.
anon
Agree completely. And make it a brick and mortar store, please!
Sloan Sabbith
Yesterday my neighbor told me that “If you’ve ever questioned how strong you are, this last week has shown you.”
I didn’t have those questions, no. I was also told that “Someday, the reason for this all will be clear.” I know the reason, it’s the electrical wiring. “Look on the bright side!” Easy for you to say from the front door of your not-smoky condo with your not-destroyed belongings.
Ugh. I know people are just trying to be supportive so I am just very nice and say “Thank you so much” and “It’s certainly been a week!” And a lot of other platitudes but oh my god sometimes things just suck, can people just say “This sucks and I’m sorry”?
PolyD
It totally sucks and neither you nor anyone else should have to go through something like that. I’m really sorry.
Anon
It’s salt on the wound; I’m sorry. I know people are expressing their anxiety or their hope or their social conditioning and that their intention is support, but I wish these kinds of comments weren’t a thing.
Curious
+1. I’m so sorry, Sloan. Your new condo.
Meara
100% it sucks and those comments are awful. I hope you have some folks who are actually helpful, and that these folks realize later and kick themselves for saying the wrong thing.
Sloan Sabbith
Yeah, there are a lot of helpful people- so many people have been so great. My mom’s best friend was at my condo the whole day today managing the move out because I am now across the state so I didn’t have to keep living in a hotel.
Seventh Sister
My mom is like this, and my very fundie aunt is worse. “Everything happens for a reason” is my least favorite – good golly gee, that explains North Korea! The death of my sweet little cousin! Seriously, it blows. I read a lot trying to understand this behavior, mostly about the “just world hypothesis,” and realized that this is a bad coping reaction that is about them, not about me.
This sucks, and I’m sorry.
Anon
This really sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. They are trying to make themselves feel better, not you.
Anonymous
“Toxic positivity”is a lot of this—not sure if it helps to know the name (gave me some comfort after a cancer diagnosis where it felt like everybody and their brother was giving me the whole everything happens for a reason garbage), I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with so much thoughtlessness on top of all the other weight on your shoulders right now. Just stinks all this is happening. Please know this internet stranger is rooting for you.
Operation Gray Rock
Day 1 Report: there was polite detachment, there was butthurt. There was puzzlement from her boss, clarification from me. There was an actual tantrum (!). There were professional behavior expectations laid out. We shall see what Day 2 brings.
DC
Wow, that is quite an update. An actual tantrum in the office?? Who laid out the professional behavior expectations?
Curious
+1 I need more of this story. Please post Day 2.
Anon
Same!