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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 148 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Elie Tahari

Suit of the Week |

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elie tahari suit on saleFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I feel like this happens every year around this time: the suit pickings get extremely slim, with boring, classic suits being The Thing. This Elie Tahari suit is on deep discount over at Saks’ Off Fifth — lucky sizes, admittedly, but a pretty good spread. I like the blue/gray color, and the overall sleek nature of the suit — and I think the pieces would work well by themselves as well as together. The jacket (Elie Tahari Donilyn Jacket) was $448, but is now marked to $124 (!!), and the pants (Elie Tahari Bennett Pants) were $228, but now marked to $65. (OK, the Frankensuit picture was pretty bad, so here's the jacket by itself as a separate. FYI, here's a similar blue/gray suit in plus sizes. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Can anyone in the DC area speak to what I can expect as far as plowing in McLean/Vienna this weekend? I’ve lived downtown previously; this is my first winter out in the suburbs and I’m wondering how prepared they are or aren’t.

    • Little Red

      Howdy, neighbor! The main thoroughfares, like Rt 7 and 123, will get salted and plowed. VDOT generally does an okay job. Sidewalks will be unwalkable since all the plowed snow will be piled up on them. Depending on how far away from a main thoroughfare your neighborhood is, the less likely the plows are to get to your street.

    • Little Red

      Except they fell down on the job this evening. The two mile drive this evening was slow due because I think they got caught off guard.

      • Anonymous

        I’ll just say this: My 20-minute commute took over 3 hours tonight because they didn’t even bother to try to sand/salt or plow the roads. Basically, I wouldn’t hold your breath — the DC metro area sucks at this sort of thing.

        • Anonymous

          It took me 40 minutes to get from the metro parking lot to my house 2 miles away in Silver Spring. DC metro area is so bad at snow, it hurts.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      I’m just counting my lucky stars in out of town right now. But I’m supposed to come back via JFK to DCA Sunday night and not feeling good about that. My airline sent an email about alternate routings so I need to call them.

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Oh, and to add – I’m sure it’s this was most places, but Arlington tiers their roads. So little suburb neighborhoods may not get touched but as you get closer to main streets Glebe, for example) it gets better in levels.

  2. Anonymous

    I know astrology is fake, and I don’t actually believe it, but does anyone else just LOVE reading their horoscope?

    • Anon

      My horoscope I can take or leave since I never remember to look back and see if it was right, but I love reading about the personality traits of each zodiac sign. I am 100% mine and find that a lot of people I know are theirs as well.

    • Susie

      You’re not alone, it’s pretty much the first thing I flip to when I pick up a newspaper. I also don’t believe it means anything but I enjoy reading it.

    • Betsy

      Yes! I read mine every day. While I’m sure there’s a lot of coincidence and confirmation bias at play, I definitely see some accuracy, especially when I look at yearly horoscopes rather than daily. And my personality traits are very in line with my zodiac sign.

    • emeralds

      Yup. I also have always googled my sign and any dude I’m dating’s sign, if we’re looking for semi-shameful admissions. Horoscopes have been hit or miss (mostly miss) for me, but Sign + Sign dating has been freakily accurate so far.

  4. Anonymous

    Mistakenly posted this at the end of the morning thread:

    I’m attending a Pakistani wedding (held in the US) in the spring and I need to get some appropriate attire for the wedding and related events. The bride told me I should wear kurtis for two daytime/evening events and fancier clothes for two evening events; she would very much prefer that I wear something from her culture but understands if I can’t make it happen. I’d like to be festive for her without breaking the bank. Any recommendations for reputable online retailers? Or stores in the Philly area? Tips about budget and finding the right fit are also very, very welcome!

    • Anokha

      If you can Zipcar, I recommend going to Oak Tree Road in Edison, New Jersey. You are likely to have better luck there in terms of finding variety and things on sale.

      Else, for shopping online: I’ve used exclusively.in, though they are a little on the pricier side!

    • ezt

      Does the bride live in your area? If so, she’ll probably know what your local Little India/ desi neighborhood situation is, and can direct you. I think Fab India has an international s!te that ships to the US, but that might be pricey, esp with shipping fees. If you can get to Edison, you’ll definitely be able to find stuff there – or Jackson Heights in Queens, but it doesn’t sound like you’re in NYC.

      If you have other Indian/Pakistani friends, you might consider just borrowing kurtis/ saris whatever. I have lent out my clothes to several non-desis who wanted Indian clothes to wear to Indian weddings.

      I have to say that as a desi person, I find it pretty odd that the bride is asking non-desi guests to wear traditional clothing – effectively forcing you to buy new clothes for her wedding. It’s so not necessary and if she really wants that, she should be providing you the clothes!

      • Anonymous

        No, she’s not in my area, and I don’t have any desi female friends in my area. I don’t feel comfortable asking my Indian male friends to hit up relatives I’ve never met for clothes to borrow.

        I’m definitely going to check out Edison, thanks so much for the recommendation! I’m worried about fit as I’m pretty curvy, so I’m happy to be able to go to a brick and mortar. I’ll make a day of it! It sounds like they have awesome food up there too.

        My friend offered to buy clothes for her white friends, but she’s already under so much stress with the wedding I really don’t want to be a bother. She’s also my MOH and we’re on opposite coasts, so I really am in no position to complain about going the extra mile for her wedding.

        • ezt

          Fair enough. Stay away from saris if you aren’t going to have someone who can help you put them on. Get a couple of kurtis or casual salwar kameez for the casual events and then a nicer/fancier salwar kameez or lehenga for the night events. Also, if you end up wearing Western clothing for some of the casual events, you can always kind of desi it up with a dupatta (a scarf, essentially) and/or some Indian jewelry. I have never ever been to a desi wedding in the US/Canada that didn’t have at least some people in Western clothing, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it, especially for the pre-wedding events.

          • ezt

            Btw, I can’t speak to the quality, but if you search for “kurtis” on Amazon there are decent looking options, especially for casual events.

      • another desi

        I agree, I didn’t ask any of my friends to wear desi clothes for my wedding. Some of them borrowed from me or my friends because they wanted to, but I didn’t ask them to. There are a couple of vendors on facebook who sell clothes. Madina Design Company, Mona’s Boutique and Mera Desi Style should be able to get you something for around $100 each or less.

    • Anonymous

      Not to thread jack, but I was invited to the mendhi ceremony/party for an Indian wedding I’m attending a few weeks. Same ideas for clothes? Anybody?

      They’re also having two receptions and still working on outfits for those as well…

    • Anonymous

      I replied to your other post, but will re-post here:

      I’m in the DC area, so can’t give you specifics for Philly, but if you have a day to spare you could check out the stores in Jackson Heights in Queens, NY or if you come down to VA, there are a bunch of stores in Springfield. They are both brown towns so you’ll have a few options of clothes.

      I haven’t gotten many fancy clothes from online before, but for more casual stuff you could checkout http://www.daamandesigns.com/ I’ve ordered from there before and they were reliable, affordable, and accurate in sizing. Pakistani weddings are elaborate so the fanciest outfit from that website would work only for the most casual events for the wedding.

      An option for fancier clothing is https://www.facebook.com/skcollectionz/?fref=photo. I know it’s just a facebook store, but my mom recently ordered a few outfits and they were decent.

      As far as budget, Pakistani clothes are like any other type of clothing. You could spend a little or a lot. For a wedding for a fancier occasion like a reception (valima), I would say that mid-range would be $65 – $150.

      I think fit is easier with Pakistani clothes than western clothing. Often styles (depending on what is trending) can be looser. Also, tailoring clothes in Pakistan is very common and having tailored made clothes is also common. As a result, Pakistani clothes tend to have a little extra fabric to work with than western clothes.

  5. Betwitched

    Amazon mattresses-I think someone posted recently that they got one and they liked it. Can anyone provide name or model information? My college age son had a pipe burst in his apartment and I’m thinking of sending him a new mattress via Amazon Prime if I can get a good recommendation. Thanks!

    • Anon

      I have one from Amazon by Sleep Innovations in the guest room. Guests liked it well enough to order one for their cabin.

      • Meg Murry

        We have this one from Amazon:
        http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005A4OO80

        Our previous mattress was ancient and in terrible shape, so this one was amazing by contrast. And it was prime and showed up in 2 days! and slightly cheaper at the time when we ordered it a year ago.

        I don’t know how it will hold up long term, but it was definitely worth the under $300 price tag we paid for it. It did have a noticeable scent (similar to new carpet but not as strong) for the first few days to week, so I wouldn’t recommend if he’s super sensitive to that since it’s hard to air out with windows open in the winter.

        Overall though I agree with the positive Amazon reviews on this mattress.

        • Wildkitten

          Wait, it’s not this one? Signature Sleep Contour 8-Inch Mattress, Queen

    • Anonymous

      I think it was me. It was the Casper brand mattress (only one model exists). You can buy on amazon, or direct from the manufacturer. LOVE it.

      • Anonymous

        Casper buyer again – note that there’s a huge different between a latex foam mattress and a memory foam mattress. I happen to hate memory foam but I know many people who love it. So you son might light either, just make sure you know which one you are getting!

    • Anonymous

      I have the “Signature Sleep Contour 8-Inch Mattress” in Queen and love it. Have only had it for 1.5 years though – for the price, I’m already a happy customer.

  6. Cream Tea

    This is the weirdest picture of the suit. Like a floating torso – and what appear to be mismatched suiting pieces. Not a terrible suit, but bizarre picture of it.

    Not a constructive comment, I admit.

    • lsw

      This is cute but literally my first thought was that it looked like a misaligned Fashion Plate from my youth.

      • marketingchic

        Yay for Fashion Plates! This jacket needs a picture hat and some palazzo pants . . .

    • Cream Tea

      Having clicked on it, I see they are presented as separates! Kat, don’t quit your day job for photoshop ;)

    • Kat G

      Fair enough! I was going to apologize on the post itself for such a Frankensuit and then thought “but I’ll fix it before anyone notices” and then totally got distracted by keyboard problems, shut the computer down, and walked off to go do something else. Sigh….

  7. Closet Staples

    Trying to figure out whether to fix/replace/give up on a pair of tall black heeled boots. I’ve always considered them a closet staple but the truth is I haven’t worn them in years. I put them on today to see if I wanted to keep this pair but they’re in rough shape. I could get them fixed… or get a new pair… or just give up since I haven’t worn them in years anyway. Specifically – do you think tall black heeled boots are something everyone should have? And also – what other closet staples are there that you consider must haves?

    If it changes anything, I recently moved from NYC where I always walked so wore flats 90% of the time, to LA, where I drive most places so I wear heels a lot more often – when I remember I own them, haha. Any thoughts?

    • Maddie Ross

      For me, they are a closet staple, but only because I really don’t like wearing regular heels with hose/tights unless I have to. So I end up wearing black boots or booties 90% of the winter.

      I vote replace, if they look that badly. I bought a pair from J.Crew last winter to replace an ages old pair and they definitely look so much better than the pair I replaced. Even with polishing/replaced heel tips, there’s only so much you can do.

    • Sparrow

      Personally, I wear boots like this all the time in the fall and winter. However, if you haven’t worn them in years then give them up. Closet staples should be items that you like and wear frequently. And they are different for each person.

      Some of my other staples are black boot cut pants. I work in a business casual office and I wear them all the time with a knit top and cardigan. I also have a few pairs of ponte knit pants I wear with longer shirts and tunics. I also wear riding boots quite frequently. I haven’t really jumped on the bootie bandwagon yet.

    • Anon

      I’m probably going to get flamed for this but I don’t think black heeled boots are fashionable anymore. I’m also on the west coast if that helps.

      Plus you say they are pretty beaten up anyway, so I would donate them and buy something more current.

      Even if I’m wrong and black heeled boots are fashionable, heel and toe shapes change over time anyway.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. If they’re old and you haven’t worn them in years, I’d just donate/throw out. You can always buy a new pair if you find you have a need for these in your closet. But if you’re in LA, I think there are probably better things you could spend your money on. I tend to wear black boots a lot (though usually flat ones) but I’m in NYC and I mostly do it for warmth, not style. I can’t imagine I’d wear them in LA.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep. This.

        Heeled boots had a moment in So Cal a few years ago but notsomuch these days.

      • Cat

        I wouldn’t go so far as to say unfashionable without seeing the pair in question (if they have a squarish or round toe, or a VERY pointy toe, I’d say to ditch them immediately, as opposed to an almond or shorter pointed toe). From the East Coast perspective, I still see women wearing them around the office, though they are definitely not as trendy as tights/booties.

        However, regardless of fashionable vs. unfashionable, if you haven’t worn them in years, they are definitely not a staple for you!

  8. Anon

    Super silly stupid girly cooking question for this boring afternoon.

    My BF and I are crazy busy professionals and don’t get a ton of us-time during the week. Tonight we both expect to work reasonable hours and he is coming over for dinner. Before he arrives, I want to send a text like “the door is unlocked, and I am in the bedroom…” and surprise him with some new l*ngerie. (Not for everyone but we both enjoy this kind of thing).

    Ok here’s the silly part – what should I cook? I want to be able to eat as soon as we’re done with playtime, but will only have about 45 minutes to clean/prep/shave my legs before he comes over. Ideas for something quick that can be kept warm/reheated? Or something I can prep completely before he comes and then quickly cook after? We both get grumpy if we get too hungry…

    I am thinking turkey meatballs that I can cook then reheat in sauce, but wouldn’t mind something even simpler.

    • ems

      the tomato sauce made with a stick of butter and half an onion, smittenkitchen has it on her blog. you can eat in 12 min after playtime. :)

    • LAnon

      Could you do soup and grilled sandwiches? Maybe assemble the sandwiches ahead of time and get some decent pre-made soup from the grocery?

      Or just order some pizza and eat it in bed while cuddling after playtime.

    • Cat

      Are you insistent on a home cooked meal? I’d be tempted to order delivery for X time. Or you could have bread & cheese handy for an appetizer while the main course cooks. Or buy some fresh pasta (maybe tortellini or ravioli stuffed with cheese and a protein), which cooks super fast.

      • TO Lawyer

        This is a great idea – do you have a grocery store with fresh pasta and sauce on your way home/close by?

        I would get cheese tortellini and pasta sauce – you can probably throw it together in 10 minutes and then I would add some cheese and basil on top. Easy and yummy and I always think of pasta as a more romantic, date-type food (although that might be me being indoctrinated by Lady and the tramp)

    • Anonymous

      stirfry. you can prep everything (cut up all the veggies and meat; make the sauce, or buy a pre-made one) in advance, then it only takes a few minutes to cook everything. 10 min or so to boil noodles. 5-6 min to cook the meat and veggies, which you can do while the noodles are cooking.

      • Jordan

        second this. Cut your veggies, pre-cook and dice chicken and pre-cook rice then it takes 10 minutes and is fresh and delicious!

    • Anonymous

      I used to buy truffle ravioli from Whole Foods. Fresh pasta, cooks quickly, and all you need is butter and parmesan and it’s delicious.

    • Anon

      Dan Savage would approve of this schedule, btw. (Any regular listeners of his podcast will know what I’m talking about.)

  9. Anon

    Any tips for enduring a job you don’t like? I’m planning on leaving as soon as I can (4-8 more months), but I need tips on I guess thinking happy thoughts, I’m not sure haha. I’m so used to having work I love that now that I don’t, it’s affecting my whole worldview.

    • Anonymous

      This is when I turn to my outside-of-work hobbies/passions. I find a book I’ve been meaning to read, work on my goal of running a 5k personal best, volunteer once a week, etc and.. frankly.. I lean out of work a little. Not so much that they’d hesitate to give me a recommendation if I needed it, but enough that I can really enjoy my outside of work time more.

    • Ellen

      Yay! I love Tahari, and at these prices, I can even afford to buy it for my own causal wear, goeing out to dinner or somewhere nice, tho I first need a MAN to want to take me out for dinner and movie! FOOEY b/c without a date, what good his haveing nice clotheing? Right now I just go home and get into sweatshirt and sweatpant’s and eat. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c eateing and watching the E channel does nothing good for my tuchus either.

      As for the OP, stick it out and think positive thoughts — for me it is finding a guy to date me, marry me and let me bear his children for. That is all I want. Once you get MARRIED, you will NOT have to hear from your dad that your tuchus is to big, or that you should be married by now. I will find a husband that does NOT care what size my tuchus is and I will not have to worry about staying a size 2. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!

      Myrna is a size 0 but she work’s out like crazy, and she has a faster matabolizm then I do. With me, I must walk 10000 steps a day and my shoes are getting all ripped up. Dad says just wear my waterproof Timberland’s, but they are heavy and ugly and men look at me like I am a schlep when I wear these. How can I ever attract a guy wearing schleppy clotheing? I have to find a guy NOW so that I can break this never ending cycle of workeing and walking and workeing and walking and listening to dad tell me my tuchus is to big. FOOEY!

    • Jordan

      Second anon said. Also setting goals like “drink 8 waters” or “close door and do ab workout three times a week”.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I am a biglaw litigator. Nothing terrible at my job-good co-workers, interesting cases. I like the job way more than most of people I know, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I have so many interests outside of work that I just view it as a source of income. There are a lot worse things I could be doing that don’t pay 200k+ a year. That helps me, and I am honestly over it.

      • SC

        I think that completely works and I’d keep at it. The more years you stay at firm (up to about 8-12, after which point it’s probably a wash), the better your resume for other jobs. Sticking it out for at least 4-5 has advantages as well. That said, I’m in my “dream” in house job and I view it very similarly. I never did “find my passion” and I’m now 43 with two kids. Still don’t think it’s a good idea to quit and become a yoga instructor or work for a nonprofit making $30K a year (when that’s not even what I want to do anyway). I like stuff outside work. I like money, I like travel.

  10. Anon

    Oh HALP. I need to stop the crazy. I’m having a bit of a freak out lately along these lines: “My life is 1/3 over and I’ve achieved nothing. I’m divorced, my mother is crazy and broke and I’ll have to support her in her old age, but oh yeah, I went back to law school and now have $100k in debt that I see no way of paying off since I can barely afford rent, and now I’m using my $100k degree for EFFING DATA ENTRY, meanwhile my ex just got promoted in his deeply fulfilling career and is rolling in the dough AND he just got engaged.”

    I spend a lot of time at the gym, you guys. I just feel like my life is so out of my control and that I’ll never get ahead / succeed / be comfortable again. Calming thoughts from the crowd?

    • Ellen

      Hug’s to you, Anon — you sound stressed. Don’t be. I am like you. We BOTH can solve our probelem’s just by finding the right guy to MARRY. Who care’s about your ex. So he found another woman. You will find your prince, tho right now picking’s are slim. Once the weather get’s warmer, get out and show yourself to men, and you should find a guy. That is what I intend to do. Once we get MARRIED, we can relax, he can pay off your debt’s and you can bear him a child or 2. You will be a success–we both will!!! YAY!!!

    • Anon

      My son’s doctor uses this expression to help my son with tough stuff, and I find it perfect for adults too: “Just change the story in your head.”

      Since I don’t know you, I’ll make up how it would go:

      – I have 2/3 of my life to live! That’s at least 50 great years to see the world, meet an amazing cabana man, learn French, read my life goal of 5K books, etc.
      – I’m divorced! Yay for no longer having to pick up his dirty socks and was his dirty man p@nties (or insert his annoying habit)
      – My ex has a fulfilling career but he doesn’t have my awesomeness anymore – his loss.

      It’s hard – I totally get it, because I’m you in so many ways. But, “changing the story in my head” helps.

      And, take it one day or one hour at a time, not “here’s all the worlds problems and I must analyze them and solve them all right now!” because that is overwhelming. I’m guilty on this too.

        • SC

          I’ll add to that– if you’re saying “1/3 over” I’m guessing that makes you younger than me. And it sounds like you have no kids. The world is your oyster, woman. Seriously, pick a place in the world and travel there for awhile. Work teaching English somewhere. Whatever suits your fancy.

    • emeralds

      Lady, you’ve got this. I am sending you all of the calming thoughts, support, and good vibes that I have on offer. Also: you know this, but comparison is the thief of joy. And if your standard self-care routine isn’t working (sounds like it’s the gym) shake it up. Do some yoga or meditate. Schedule a few sessions with a therapist to talk things through in a safe space. Reconnect with your best friends and your support networks. Have a glass of wine when you get home tonight. Eat that piece of chocolate. Get plenty of sleep. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.

      • Anon

        Ok, now I actually am choked up. Thank you guys <3 These words are all so wonderful.

    • anon

      I think two things:

      1) you’re comparing your behind the scenes to his highlight reel. You have no idea what his, or anyone else’s life, is actually like, so comparing yourself is pointless and does not serve you

      2) think about where your life was three years ago. So different, right? Never thought you’d be here? Well, life changes. In three years, who knows where you’ll be! ie- it won’t be like this forever.

      Best to you!!!

      • Anonymous

        +1 My therapist likes to remind me that often I’m comparing my “insides” to someone else’s “outsides,” and oftentimes, they aren’t the same.

    • Jordan

      First, stop comparing yourself to your ex. You don’t really know what’s going on with all that. Let him go. That was a great learning experience to know how to have a great marriage again if that’s something you want again.

      Second, I am jealous. I wish I could get my a$$ to the gym. I have twice the debt you do; no one’s ever even wanted to marry me so far that I could stand to be around for more than 10 minutes, and BOTH my parents are poor and crazy and I will have to take care of them. The last of my friends who didn’t have kids and weren’t married are all having kids or getting married this year at some point. And that’s everyone. My heel hurts for no reason today. My job is stressful. My softball team has never won a game in three seasons. My dog keeps pooping all over the house for some reason.

      Even though that’s all true, if I looked at it that way I would lose my sh!t. So instead, I get to do whatever I want when I want, I mean pretty much. I have a super sexy bf who is so sweet and nice to me. But if he ends up sucking I am completely fine with being alone and happy. My dog is so much cuter than your dog. I love my career. I have great friends who still include me in most things even though I am not married and don’t have kids (that send me texts after we hang out apologizing to me for all the baby talk!). My siblings are my absolute world. The bartender knows what drink to hand me when I walk into my favorite restaurant. I like my yoga class. I love my shrink. I’ve got chocolate, wine, and batteries at home if any of the above fails.

      I read a book once called This is How and I liked the approach the book took a lot. It got me out of a funk when I used to think like the second paragraph. I hope you feel better. I am sorry you are going through all this.

    • Anonymous

      I am so sorry. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot. Hugs. I would echo the comments to be kind to yourself, indulge in little things that make you happy, etc. But I cannot second enough the comments about the “highlight reel.” You have no idea if he is miserable in his job, if he and his fiance are really in love, etc. I know it is tough in this social media age, but it’s really apples and oranges to compare all the sad, crappy parts of your life to the glossy picture you see of other people’s lives on Facebook or Instagram. They have sad, crappy stuff too, you just don’t know about it.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh, honey! I have been where you are at least half a dozen times in my life! I vividly remember driving down the freeway and crying my eyes out at 22 — TWENTY-TWO!! — over not getting into the grad program I wanted and thinking my life was over. And lather, rinse, repeat through divorces and career setbacks and all manner of things since then. And in between it gets better.

      And you know what? Right now I’m 57, and after all those things I thought were just The End, things are by far — BY FAR! — the best they’ve ever been! Life is long and full of surprises and the only way out is through. Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other and be kind to your sweet self and I promise you that better days are coming!!

      Big hugs!

      Any chance in you’re in LA? If you are I’d love to buy you a drink!

    • Anonymous

      When I feel like this (and I’ve been there) I just remind myself 1) that there’s plenty of time to do something awesome, and 2) said awesome thing only has to seem awesome to me, not the rest of the world. Good luck and feel better!

  11. Leg Warmers

    I replied in the morning thread but wasn’t sure you’d see it: Sock Dreams has leg warmers for all shapes and sizes! I love them.

  12. Anon for obvious reasons

    I strongly suspect one of my coworkers is trying to set me up with someone in our office. Well, maybe not “set up,” but she really seems to want us to get together. She told me, at our Q3 company meeting, that the guy has a crush on me (she seemed to think that was good news . . .) and I did tell her 1) I don’t date coworkers and 2) I’m not into him. Yet when he came up to us to chat not 10 minutes later she smiled at me and walked away, as though she really wanted to give us some privacy.

    fast forward to last week, when I had to miss the Q4 meeting and subsequent company party. the guy sent me a friend request after the party had ended, and when I was back in the office my coworker said “we really missed you at the paaaaartyyyy!” in a slightly tone that’s often accompanied with a little shimmy or eyebrow waggle. I suspect she might’ve encouraged him to try to connect with me via FB. So we’re clear, I’m not connected with any current employees of the company, because I like to maintain professional boundaries with the people I work with.

    is there anything I could say to this coworker now? like “I’m not sure if I was clear when this came up a few months ago, but I’m really not interested in **** ******.” or should I wait until she brings him up again? I’m in my mid 20’s and I don’t have a serious boyfriend, so I wonder if she sees this as an opportunity to help me find happiness or something, which is well intentioned but completely invasive and inappropriate.

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like the guy likes you and the coworkers is being a little too zealous trying to help him out. I’d communicate to him as well as her (nicely) that you’re not interested.

      • Anonymous

        No don’t communicate to him!! All he did was speak to her at a party and send a friend request.

        Reject the friend request and don’t be friendly. If she mentions it again just say “please stop bringing this up it makes me uncomfortable. As I told you I do not date coworkers and I am not interested.”

        • Opal

          +1 Don’t say a word – yet. This is all inference and a giddy, immature coworker in between. Just reject his FB request and go on your normal way. If he does something overt, then you address it.

    • Anon

      This conversation reminds me a lot of a conversation I had with my daughter. When she was in sixth grade.

      Your matchmaking coworker sounds like a nightmare. Stop letting her think that you are in any way interested in this. Tell her directly to knock it off. Leave no uncertainty – if you leave an inch she will take a mile.

  13. Talk or fade?

    Following up on yesterday afternoon’s conversation about ghosting, I’m wondering if this is now the appropriate/ preferred way to end a friendship?

    A friend of 20+ years is increasingly distant. I wonder if there’s something going on, if I’ve offended her in some way, or if she just no longer finds joy in the friendship. (Yes, the obvious answer is to talk to her, but she doesn’t respond to my emails or invitations to meet!). I’m feeling really hurt b/c we have a ton of shared history, and I’ve considered her my best friend for many years. I want to tell her about my hurt feelings… but maybe that is pointless, and would just aggravate her disinterest? I’ve also realized that she has been increasingly judgmental and just plain mean in recent years, so maybe it is time to get out. But if I’m ending the friendship, I would want to do her the courtesy of explaining why. Or am I thinking about this wrong? Do I need to sit tight and let her approach me when she wants? Then I feel like the friendship is only on her terms.

    Has anyone successfully negotiated the re-structuring of a 20 year friendship?

    • Anonymous

      I am a very direct person (probably too much so) so I would email her directly and say in a couple of sentences what you said here: you’re hurt she has been ignoring you and you’re wondering if you did something to offend her and if so you’d like to know so you could work toward mending the fences. Then if she ignores that, accept that she is a crappy friend and move on.

      But maybe if she is judgmental and mean then maybe she is not worth trying to reconnect with. I think you should only reach out if you genuinely want to be her friend again, not so that you can “call her out” on her bad behavior.

      • OP

        I have no interest in calling anyone out on bad behavior. I may be the opposite of you – not especially direct, and given to avoiding conflict as much as possible.

        At this point, though, I feel like the friendship is about what works for her, on her schedule, with no consideration of what works for me, and a lot of judgement about the compromises I/ we make to keep a busy 2 career/ 1 kid household running – when she’s a SAHM of tweens, focused on exercise & eating healthy.

        I guess the question is what I’ll do/ say when she contacts me in a few months: do I ignore the bs and try to pick up where we left off? Plead ‘too busy’ and do my own fade? Discuss? None of these seem appealing. Sending one letter/ email that states where I am and how I’m experiencing the friendship and it’s apparent demise feels much more honest to me.

        • Anonymous

          I wouldn’t do your own fade either. So maybe you don’t do anything now and the next time she contacts you, tell her that you’re hurt that she seems to only want a friendship on her terms and that you find her judgment about your family and lifestyle off-putting or whatever, and you want to take a step back from the friendship. That’s if you want to end the friendship w/o ghosting. If you honestly want to re-start the friendship, maybe the next time she reaches out, get together with her and tell her these things more gently in person, minus the part about stepping back from the friendship. But she sounds like a pretty terrible person, TBH.

    • Senior Attorney

      If she doesn’t respond to your emails or invitations to meet, then she has already ended the friendship.

      If you want to send one last email telling her about your hurt feelings and officially ending the friendship from your side, go ahead. But it sounds like you have already been officially ghosted.

      • Anonymous

        Or she’s busy, or her husband is cheating on her, or she’s depressed, or she has cancer.

        She’s your oldest friend, not some girl from yoga you got wine with every now and then for 6 months.

        I think it’s perfectly fine to say “hey, it feels a lot like you’re ignoring me, and I’m hurt. Are you ok? Have I done something to offend you? I miss our friendship.”

        • OP

          Yeah, this is what has prevented me from officially considering the friendship over: maybe there’s something going on that limits her ability to be in touch? [but omg, I’ve said the same thing about guys I’ve been interested in, and it’s never that!] I know I’ve gone through rough times when I might have dropped a few balls, and I would’ve liked friends to reach out, not write me off. Our friendship has definitely gone through times of greater closeness and greater distance over the years. It’s weathered those, and largely grown stronger. Something seems different now. fwiw, we live in essentially the same neighborhood, so it’s not like geographical distance is getting in the way of seeing each other.

          When I have, over the past couple years, backed off b/c it didn’t seem like she was interested, I’ve gotten plaintive emails/ texts saying ‘I miss you. Why don’t we get together – why are you so busy?’ essentially putting the blame on me for being ‘too busy’ and not reaching out, rather than recognizing that I have been giving her space.

          • Anon

            Ah look! You just said it yourself when you referenced this happening with guys. She’s Just Not That Into You. Let it go.

        • Anonymous

          I agree. If this was a casual friend, I would agree with the advice to let it go. But if this were my very best friend (despite what Mindy Kaling said about the “best friend tier,” I have only one and she’s like a sister to me), there is no way I way I would let it go without reaching out and asking her point blank if I did something wrong. If nothing else, if I had inadvertently said or done something she perceived as horrible, I would want to apologize, even if I knew our friendship would never get back to the same place. And it is entirely possible that she is going through some sort of personal crisis and that is why she’s stopped communicating. I’ve seen it happen.

          • OP

            And like a sister, there are tensions, amirite? This friends has been my best friend in my whole adult life. If I have inadvertently hurt her, I feel horrible and would want to do whatever I could to apologize and make amends.

    • Anon

      Your former friend no longer answers emails, has been increasingly mean to you and doesn’t see you. The friendship has ended. You don’t have to end it. You don’t have to call her and tell her about your hurt feelings. She obviously doesn’t care enough to have lunch with you, so she is definitely not down with meeting up in order to hear a tirade from you.

      Friendships don’t usually have “breakup” discussions. They just fade away. It’s better that way because when you inevitably run into each other you won’t have to have the weird avoidance thing. You can just be polite and superficially friendly.

      • Anonymous

        “It’s better that way because when you inevitably run into each other you won’t have to have the weird avoidance thing. You can just be polite and superficially friendly.”

        I disagree. If you want to break up with your best friend of 20 years, you owe her an explanation. Even if that explanation is basically that you’ve don’t want to be friends any more. Ghosting/fading/whatever you want to call it is horribly immature, moreso when done to a good friend. And I would NEVER be polite and superficially friendly if I ran into a formerly close friend who had just one day suddenly stopped returning my calls. I would call her out for being a b!tch.

        • OP

          Ok, that’s kinda what I thought: I owe her an explanation. I don’t think I can see her next time she gets in touch, and I’d rather be honest about why, than continue this weird superficial game of avoidance.

          What’s weird to me is that she was *insistent* about our families spending Thanksgiving together – right up until the moment she decided she didn’t want to. Then blew off our holiday party… ran into her on the street and she’s all “Let’s get drinks!” but doesn’t respond to requests to schedule said drinks. It all feels totally immature & manipulative, and I can’t deal any more.

    • Anonymous

      She doesn’t want the friendship. At least not right now. So follow the lead and back off. If you have some reason to reach and communicate, do so – but for whatever reason, you do not have the same relationship you used to. And…that’s life.

      I’d argue that this isn’t ghosting – it’s a fade. It’s not like you went from having a lot of frequent conversation and then she suddenly dropped of the map and doesn’t respond. Communication petered out and the relationship came to a (disappointing for you) place where you are more acquaintances than friends. I don’t think you will get anything out of explaining your hurt feelings – what does that get you, except the last word on a conversation she doesn’t want to have? If writing helps you process your feeling, do it, but I wouldn’t send it.

      • Cream Tea

        Yes – this is an important distinction. We can’t just generalize every broken down relationship or formerly good friendship as “ghosting”. It sounds like you have drifted apart, and she isn’t that keen to keep it going. These things happen – if you’re sad about the change and want to reconnect, make an effort once to say so, but then I think you have to leave it.

  14. Anonymous

    Can I vent a little about the engagement ring Olympics? I’m recently engaged. I absolutely adore my fiancé and the ring he/we chose. We picked our setting together and looked at diamonds to get a feel for size and quality. I liked a bit larger stone on my hand, but a lower quality because I couldn’t tell the difference. My fiancé could tell the difference, though, and ultimately selected a smaller, very high quality diamond.

    Now when people ask to see the ring (I never flash it unless they ask), I get a lot of “Oh that’s nice” or “Isn’t it cute” type comments. One person even suggested that it was good of us to be frugal. I know how much the ring appraised for because I insured it, and fiancé was NOT frugal (contrary to our agreement; it appraised for $20k and I’d suggested a $5k max budget). I can’t help feel but a little sad that he spent an enormous sum of money for people to look down on the ring. I guess I just expected people who asked to look at the ring to make the appropriate ooos and ahhhs, not to passive aggressively criticize it. Or maybe the negativity in my head? Has anyone else dealt with this?

    • Anonymous

      Can you please just get a grip?

      Oh that’s nice= they think it is nice

      Isn’t it cute= they think it is cute.

      Sure, the frugal person is weird, but just don’t play the game. You sound bitter that it isn’t KMids size and eliciting shock and awe. This is a brief moment in time of a slight annoyance whilst celebrating your new diamond and life long love. Cope better.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry, maybe this was mean? But it’s a wonderful “problem” to have an not worth a moments thought! And I’m sure it is lovely.

        • lawsuited

          +1 Although I don’t think this even qualifies as a wonderful problem – it’s definitely a non-problem

    • Anonymous

      It sounds like you don’t really love it (“I liked a bit larger stone on my hand, but a lower quality because I couldn’t tell the difference. My fiancé could tell the difference, though, and ultimately selected a smaller, very high quality diamond.”) and you are projecting your feelings onto other people’s comments. Saying your ring is nice/cute/etc is a compliment! Stop trying to read bad intentions into what people are saying.

      • Traditionalist

        I agree with all of this — I think you’re projecting because you don’t really love it, and that you should focus on your fiance and your wedding and your happiness without regard to this! (Alternatively, if you just can’t let it go, you should be honest with your fiance and/or consider discussing with him why he decided to ignore your stated preferences.)

        But… I will also say that I would be irritated specifically at the word ‘cute.’ ‘Nice’ is innocuous and sometimes highly complimentary (e.g., Mr. CEO drives a nice car!). But I would be miffed about ‘cute.’ ‘Cute’ implies little to me, which I suspect is exactly why it bothers you so much.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, I can see why she is miffed about someone saying her ring is “cute.” It does imply “smaller,” I think, especially in that context.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to this

        No one cares about your ring as much as you do. I say, “Wow, it’s beautiful!” to every engagement ring that gets shown to me. Just like I say, “Aw, soooo precious!” at every baby picture. I don’t really give it any more thought than that. You’d have to be wearing either the Hope Diamond, or a plastic, re-sizable ring from a vending machine for it to register as anything other than “another engagement ring”.

    • nutella

      Eh, haters gon hate. Be proud that your fiance (and CONGRATULATIONS!!) took care to research and didn’t buy into the bigger is always better — your fiance knows something they don’t know. Some of us can tell a difference and I see lots of rings that are big in size but cloudy, dull, or on the brown side (and the bigger, the more obvious). Whereas I’ve also seen some smaller rings that are great quality (cut, color, clarity) andwill take your breath away with how sparkly they are. But remember, no matter how big or sparkly a rock is, it can’t buy you happiness and this is a happy time!!!

      • Ems

        True true true. I didn’t even want a diamond – just something pretty and he decided he wanted to a big sparkler of the 0.01% quality and overspent. My friend’s husband got her something smaller than she wanted but the quality is so great that it’s brilliance really makes it sparkle.

    • Anonymous

      1. People stop asking, this problem will go away by itself soon.
      2. If YOU are unhappy with your ring, and you plan to wear it for the rest of your life, I would have an upfront conversation with fiance and tell him.
      3. If you are happy with your ring, then ignore the haters and see #1.

      I have a friend who made ‘excuses’ for her ring – coming out and saying how high quality it was and how that was more important to her than size (despite no one asking). That was super awkward, so I would not do that. People frequently complimented my ring and say how much my (now husband) must have spent on it – it’s a family heirloom (my side) so all he paid for was the setting (which we splurged a little on since we didn’t have to pay for the rock). I usually deflected and said that it was an heirloom and that he’s a lucky guy I came with a diamond. Retrospectively I probably didn’t have to say anything but I do understand the awkwardness and its own set of judgments. You will figure out how you want to handle, but for now – get out of your head and enjoy being engaged.

    • Anon

      While the last commenter is right, I also get it. My engagement ring was significantly smaller than I had always imagined and wanted. I had a couple friends that were all about the engagement ring Olympics, but even they had the tact to just say it was beautiful and move on. A friend who tells you it is cute or comments on how you guys are frugal is a shallow A-hole and probably not someone you want to be friends with anyway.

      I had some self consciousness about the size of the ring, but my husband picked it out himself and it is beautiful, so I focused on that part. We’ve been married for 2 years (and engaged for a year before that) and I am SO SO SO glad he did not spend any more money than he did on the ring. We just paid off my student loans and bought a vacation home and there are so many better things to spend money on than a stupid piece of jewelry. Also, most people wear the thing every day, and three years in I am actually thankful my ring doesn’t detract from my appearance or my professional performance. I went and picked out my own blinging, slightly pricey, wedding bands, which also helped.

    • I understand

      I think you might be me. My wonderful husband is from the East Coast where, apparently, smaller rocks are the norm. Not so here in Texas. Even the secretaries at my firm have 2 carat + rings and at least 3 carats is the norm for female attorneys.

      I almost never wear my engagement ring anymore because I’m embarrassed about the size. I wear the wedding band instead.

        • I understand

          I remember when this s!te wasn’t flamers central. Please keep your insults to yourself.

          • Anonymous

            This isn’t flaming. I’m embarrassed for you about your crass materialism. My mothers engagement ring is .25 of a carat. She wears it everyday in celebration of 35 happy years of marriage.

          • Anonymous

            Co-sign anon at 7:05. I’m a female attorney making almost $300K a year and my ring is also 1/4 carat (center stone, plus some tiny pave stones so a little less than 1/2 carat total). He was in grad school and I was unemployed when we got engaged. I think it’s beautiful and am so proud to wear it, and would never want an upgrade. An engagement ring represents so much more than just “Wheee! Look how much money I/we have!” A lot of my friends have also gotten engaged with rubies, sapphires, and other beautiful non-diamond stones.

      • anon

        So, your wonderful husband gave you a beautiful token of his everlasting commitment, but you’re too embarrassed to wear it because it’s somehow a sign that he doesn’t love you enough or you don’t have enough money? I’d be more embarrassed of my character than the size of my diamond, if I were you.

        • Anonymous

          This. And if you’re into ostentatious displays of wealth, there are plenty of other ways to show people you have gobs and gobs of money…

      • Me Too

        I know exactly what you mean! For me it is a car thing.

        The secretaries at my firm all drive Maseratis, and Bugattis are the norm for female attorneys. My wonderful husband is from Oregon, and bless his sweet heart but he thinks the Lexus he bought me is “nice”. Just culture differences. But I’m so embarrassed by the whole thing that I park a mile away and walk to work so no one suspects.

        • Anonymous

          Maseratis and Bugattis? Are these people pro race car drivers on the weekend? Or are they illegal street racers? I mean, what’s the point of having a car like that if you can’t ever put it through its paces, really wring it out?

      • Clementine

        What the what??

        This is so different than the world I live in.

        I proudly wear my .7 carat ring that is a family heirloom. A friend has a 1/4 carat ring she wears with pride- her husband saved up for months to buy that for her (he was in college). Average of my friends- law and non-law is probably .8 carat or so with lots of heirloom jewelry and alternative stones.

        I’m in the northeast, btw.

      • Anonymous

        My former boss was a C-suite woman in her mid 40. My engagement ring is not even hat big (1.25 carat stone, 1.75 total) probably 4x the size and 10-20x the cost (mine was $15-20k)

        She rocks it, loves it, tells the story when someone gets newly engaged and there is ring flashing about when she got it- she and her husband were 21, she was in school and he was working 2 jobs. I love that she never upgraded!

    • AnonForThis

      My engagement ring is sitting in a drawer in my apartment because my boyfriend doesn’t have the balls to ask me to marry him. So consider it a victory he actually got up the nerve to propose. You can always get a new ring in the future if you are really that unhappy. Is it the size of the stone or the size of your hand? My size 5 fingers can’t take anything more than 1 ct without looking like I’m playing dress up.

    • Ellen

      Be glad you are goeing to be MARRIED and that he has good taste. My ex, Sheketovits, never got me any jewlery other then from CVS, and he never married me. He did say he might, and then made me have sex with him as if we were husband and wife, and that means EVERY kind of sex that you can have. FOOEY! I regret thinkeing he would marry me and I realy regret the things I had to do, b/c I was told I should do this as a married coupel. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      You gotta just ignore people. I didn’t want an engagement ring. I got all sorts of odd comments about my then fiance’s income, students loans, etc. I was even told I wasn’t really engaged until I had a ring. Ignoring that BS is key.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I didn’t want an engagement ring. I don’t wear jewelry. I think the history behind the tradition is ridiculous. So I don’t have an engagement ring. People at first told me I would regret it. My husband has always said if I feel the need to have one one day I can get a ring but that day has yet to come. I do wear a very simple plain gold wedding band. You be you. Stop listening to the world and you will be so much happier. You are going to be so stressed with the whole wedding process if you let others comments affect you.

    • AnonForThis

      Here’s my issue, and I assume everyone will tell me to STFU and GTFO. My boyfriend has been engaged to two women before me, and it didn’t work out. So, I want the engagement ring (and engagement, and wedding planning) to take some time and energy and frankly funds from him so he really has to pause and think this one through. I know that’s crazy, but also, it makes sense to me that I don’t want him to just jump into this without really pondering the implications. Advice – besides therapy?

      • Anonymous

        Maybe do some couples therapy or counseling to get at the reasons why the other ones didn’t work out? And… also to make sure that this will. Even though a breakup sucks, it’s better to know that before getting married.

        • Stop Comparing!

          And what’s wrong with driving a Subaru Outback or another kind of small suv?

          Really? Now we have car Olympics. What the heck.

          I prefer to drive the small suv because I’m practical, we do our own remodeling/renovation work, we mow our own lawn, do our own laundry, and clean our own home. I need the room to tote stuff around. I like the higher clearance so I can see better and when it rains here, it pours and floods fast. It’s just logical reasons – clearly I’m a logical person.

          We’re not in legal fields, we are in science fields which have a trajectory that is good, but never will be in the 200K plus range. We live in our means, and below. We save and plan for our own retrement, we go on great trips and cruises, and are very happy. We don[‘t compare ourselves to others.

          Being self-actualized allows us to avoid the Olympics and not jump on trends like McMansions built fully to the limits of the lot – often occupied by two people. Good on those who area able to and enjoy doing that. We just have a different perspective. If you don’t like what I drive or the size of my jewelry, so be it. I don’t care what you think and I’m not going to castigate you for being different from me.

          Life is choice. Everyone makes choices. I don’t criticize those who live differently than I do, I just observe and describe their choices. WHen asked or receiving criticism, I just describe my own choices. I don’t have to justify them – except to myself and my husband.

          Isn’t it the same with rings, cars, etc.? If someone doesn’t want to advertize their wealth or has different lifestyles and priorities, it’s their right to do so.

      • Anon

        When my husband and I were getting serious I had the same thoughts. Can’t remember if I actually told him but my ring had to be more expensive than the first one, I don’t know why it just made me feel better about being the second. He way overspent getting me exactly what I wanted (but within our means). I won’t lie, I’m shallow enough that it made me feel good. That was 10 years ago and I don’t compare anymore but in my late 20s it mattered. So yes do the therapy thing because it will help you have a strong marriage, but also know that you aren’t the only normal person to have that feeling.

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