Suit of the Week: Flowoom

111 Comments

1. The other day (week? time’s not real) someone was asking about batch c0cktails. I came across this last night:
   thespruceeats.com/how-to-batch-a-cocktail-6827564
   Hope it helps, have a great party!

2. I’ve realized I’ve had some toxic traits in my relationship. I’ve been anxious, controlling, insecure, jealous, and possessive in small ways (think: him saying a famous movie star would be his ‘hall pass,’ and me then being hurt and asking him if he’d prefer her to me for a whole year after), and I know it has caused stress to my partner. He always bounces back from it and it doesn’t seem to have affected his love for me, but I’m worried about maybe some ramifications like him not trusting me as much or feeling like he has to walk on eggshells to protect my feelings. I’m in therapy twice a week to deal with trauma from an a s s a u l t incident that is the root of a lot of this, and I’m becoming aware of how my stuck points are manifesting in my relationship. Things like ‘I must be vigilant,’ or ‘men want to trick me / harm me.’ I have a lot of hope about being able to change my behaviors and thought patterns, but I also worry about the damage that my anxiety/paranoia might have had (or will have when I mess up in the future) on our relationship. Does anyone else have experience with growth in a relationship, and being able to move forward as new people? Are you able to rebuild the sense of trust and stability?

   1. I was like this for a long time, which stemmed from my parents’ poor handling of their divorce and infidelity issues. What has helped me the most is to learn (through therapy) to let go of my need to feel in control over all of this. I trust my husband to my core, but I also now when I have these feelings think, “okay if he did cheat on me, I would have some decisions to make and would make them at that time depending on the information I had.” (Things like whether I would leave, etc.) and that I cannot control whether or not he will cheat on me and being jealous and untrusting won’t change any of that. It is hard but I feel like I have made a lot of progress (and he agrees. He was infinitely patient with me.)

   2. This probably isn’t helpful, and I know it was just an example, but men talking about hall passes, is immature and toxic behavior in itself. Just make sure the relationship is healthy before you go to hard on yourself.

      1. Yeah, that is gross.

      2. Meh. I mean, my husband knows that if Idris Elba took an interest in me…

      3. Some people need to chill. It was most likely a joke! I have joked about my passes with my husband, too.

         (This is a tangent but what is ACTUALLY toxic to relationships/respecting women in general is watching p*rn,
         and yet many women seem to have no issue with that)

         1. I, for one, am grateful my BF has watched some p*rn. Of course, if excessive/obsessive, it can be a problem.

         2. My husband and I joke around about what actors or actresses we find attractive. I think it is healthy. I mean, neither one of us is as hot as we once were but we can enjoy wathcing Outlander together!

      4. I … don’t know that I would make that leap. Both DH and I have made jokes about “hall passes.” It means literally nothing, other than we are human beings who occasionally find other human beings attractive. Nobody is going around sleeping with anyone else.

      5. Eh, it can be completely tongue in cheek. We all know that Tom Brady is not going for me any time soon….

      6. Fun fact: My husband used to have a crush on a local newscaster (she has since gone national on GMA now). I emailed her at the station and asked her to sign a photo for him for Father’s Day one year, and she was kind enough to oblige. The photo is now hanging in his home office. About a year later, one of my friends was at an event where she happened to be. And she was so incredible to take a few moments away to do a phone call. As soon as my husband found out who it was on the phone, his face turned bright red and he just started stammering and stuttering. And kept repeating “is it really you?” I eventually grabbed the phone back and thanked her profusely.

         If that was any sign, I don’t think I have to worry much about that hall pass. LOL

         1. What a weasel! Like my ex! Big talk, no action! He always told me how two very cute CPAs in his office (yes, they were really cute, I know–I saw them always wanted my Alan to go out with them after work, hinting that they had great female body parts under their clotheing which they would show him and more in a menage a trois if he would go out with them drinking after work. He told me that he was doing me a favor by not going out with them b/c he did not want to be in anyone’s coochie but mine, and he wanted me to thank him. I knew he was full of #^@, because I know that he was NOT going to be able to bed two women at the same time b/c he often could not even enter me when he was stone cold sober!

            To prove it, one day I came to his office and asked the two women if having s-x with my Alan was on their bucket list. They basically told me NFW! So we arranged it that they would come on to him just before I came into the office and we would check his pants to see if he had a bulge indicating interest. Well guess what? It looked like nothing was between those skinny legs of his! I bet his winkie not only did not enlarge, it very likely shrunk to the size of a dime! We all had a big laugh at his expense when I walked in to find him with his manhood in his pants (we think!)

      7. My husband and I each have hall passes….

      8. I don’t mind this at all (but of course it’s okay for OP to mind!). I have few passes of my own, heh, and the point of them are not actually wanting to stray, but indulging in a harmless fantasy.

      9. I think returning to the topic for an entire year afterwards is way more toxic than one throwaway remark.

         (Not a dig at you, OP; you said you’re in therapy and working on it and that’s great!)

      10. I don’t really get hall passes either..I know several people who have hooked up with celebrities and I don’t view it as pure fantasy or unattainable, especially if you’re a woman.

      11. Who talks about “hall pass” I would be upset if my husband said that. It’s disrespectful. Don’t doubt your feelings. You are right to be bothered about that.

   3. I think you are both wise and brave in seeing these traits in yourself and working to change them – you should be proud of yourself.

      I don’t have specific experience or advice to share, but if your partner knows that you have identified these issues and are working on them, that should go a long way toward building or restoring trust and stability, if that is really needed given that you say your behavior has not affected his feelings for you. This might be another area where you anxiety is causing you to worry more than you should?

      Hugs to you as you go through this.

3. Have any of you been able to avoid the yearly mammogram and get an ultrasound or MRI instead? Maybe because you have small breasts or dense breasts?

   I have very small breasts that are wide set, and mammograms are pretty excruciating. During one of my early mammograms, the tech actually tore me badly into the chest wall/muscle layer, and I was swollen and bruised for weeks. They can still see the damaged area on serial mammograms. And several times I have had to go back and have a second mammogram (Ugh!) and an ultrasound anyway.

   The techs (they change every year….) don’t seem care when I tell them what happened, and in fact, sometimes eye roll like I am an complainer. This is not something that taking tylenol or ibuprofen before the mammo helps with, when someone is tearing your breast off your chest.

   I can’t afford to pay for my own MRI. Sometimes I actually feel like shoot…. well, if breast cancer is my way to go, there are worst things… Just skip them.

   I see my GYN this week and will ask her of course, but she isn’t interested in talking about perimenopause so I can’t imagine she will help me here.

   1. I’m so sorry — this is just rotten health care. I still weep that I had an OB/GYN who was 10ish years older than me when I was pregnant and prayed that I’d keep her until at least perimenopause. She moved further out once her kids were in college and now my OB/GYN, who is very good, is younger than I am, which means her learning is either book learning or second-hand. I would give a lot for an older female ladyparts doctor.

      1. Thanks. My GYN is actually about 5-10yrs older than me, which I had hoped would help. But she couldn’t care less. I think she’s decent for doing a PAP, and ordering all the tests/scans, but not for talking/thinking/empathizing. I wonder if it is because GYN is a surgical specialty and most of them would rather be in the Operating Room than talking to their patients who have non-surgical problems.

         1. So get a new GYN?

            1. I’m trying. I finally found a GYN interested in perimenopause that has a 6 month waitlist, but they refuse to do any other GYN counseling other than menopause. So you literally need two GYNs….. one for perimenopause, and one for well woman stuff. So once I see that doctor, I hope she will give me the list of GYNs she recommends, that she gives to every other patient that she sees…..

      2. If your OB/gyn graduated residency, they have at least four years of clinical and surgical experience.

         1. That’s not very much….

         2. I had a friend in residency as an obgyn and she didn’t even know that the pregnancy hormones can cause hyperpigmentation. I know that’s more of a dermatological area but still! It seemed pretty basic to me!

   2. I mean, you can just not go. You’re the patient. Tik can tell your story exerting doctor you are only interested in non mammogram options.

      My mammogram facility is always sending me one year reminders when the statistical guideline for a woman my age is every two years, so I make the appointment when I think it’s time. You’re the boss of you!

      1. Yup, totally hear you, and will probably cancel this year.

         Just wondering with the recent new discussions for women with dense breasts, whether anyone else has had their doctors refer them for other options than Mammogram for screening.

   3. If your GYN isn’t interested in talking about peri menopause and you don’t think she’ll listen to you why is she still your doctor???

      1. Maybe where you live is different, but do you know how hard it is to find a good doctor? Who is taking new patients? Who is interested in the problems of women? That has room in their schedule? That takes your insurance?

         And finding someone to give you a reliable recommendation is hard too. While google/yelp can help you find a restaurant, it is a terrible way to find a doctor.

         Nevermind that I am surrounded by Catholic funded hospitals/clinics (that hide their religious affiliations in new non-religious sounding hospital names) where the GYNs don’t believe women deserve free and safe reproductive health care? It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

         1. I’m reminded of this situation when people say “just go to therapy!”

            1. totally

            2. I find it INFINITELY easier to find a new GYN than a new therapist!!!

         2. This is the great benefit of my Junior League membership — local women in my area on my thrift store board placement all sung the praises of my doctor and had delivered babies with her, had miscarriages with her, it was so strong that I switched to that practice and never regretted it. She was fantastic and I cried when she moved cities. Her replacement left to focus on just reproductive challenges and I am betting that a smart doc would realize her insurance would drop if she dropped OB and just did GYN for the 40+ crowd.

         3. Do you not have friends and relatives who see a different GYN who can give you a referral? I’ve found all of my doctors through asking my friends.

            I also like ZocDoc for finding new doctors (you can filter by insurance) and read reviews. I can also log into the IBX website to search for doctors.

            We must live in pretty different places, as I truly haven’t had any issues in finding a new doctor and getting on their schedule in both my current city and my old city. I just search on ZocDoc or ask friends, try someone, and if I like them I keep seeing them and if I don’t I move on to the next one. I’ve found great doctors this way. Never had issues with doctors not taking new patients or not being able to get scheduled (might have to wait a few weeks but can always get in before or after work within a few weeks)

            1. Honestly, women’s healthcare is for the most part just not up to snuff. I’m not the OP, but my friends and relatives just grimace if I ask for a gynecologist recommendation.

            2. I think this depends a lot on where you live. In my small city, PCPs and gyns have 6 to 12 month waits, if they’re taking new patients at all, which most aren’t. Dermatologists are also booking a year out. It’s not even a matter of whether you like the doctor, you see anyone you can get an appointment with that actually takes insurance (most of the doctors in town that take insurance take mine, but there are a lot that just don’t do insurance at all). I’ve had several doctors leave, and finding new ones was a nightmare. Discussions on sites like Nextdoor indicate that pretty much everyone has the same problem.

            3. Also since COVID, so many doctors are retiring or changing their practicing/moving that many people are looking for doctors at the same time.

      2. I mean cant you ask your friends for their recommendations?

         1. The one I have is the only recommendation I got that was taking new patients.
            Many don’t recommend their doc.

   4. My OBGYN has always ordered both an ultrasound and a mammogram due to my age–mid 40s–which often means dense breasts. And mine are apparently very dense anyway. But I don’t know that it is an either/or thing. If your GYN isn’t helpful, can you talk to your internist instead? Mine always offers to order the labs. FWIW, recommendations vary about whether yearly is warranted for women under a certain age, I think 50 or so? One group recommends every other year. I can’t remember which medical organization is on which side but there is no consensus.

   5. In my insurance/health system, you get a referral to an MRI initially if your lifetime risk is above a certain level as calculated by the high-risk [banned word] clinic. If you’re just below that, then you have to go to mammogram first and then the MRI if they see something. FWIW, I have dense tissue and I’m just below the cutoff (I think i’m at 17% and it’s 20%, or similar) it’s been 50/50 so far as to whether I get referred for further imaging.

      1. Same here. I despise mammos but I don’t see any way around using them for the first line of testing, so to speak. I had some dense spots so was referred to an MRI for additional testing, so now I have a new baseline of what’s “normal” for me.

   6. I am you, mammograms are agony for my small wide set breasts, and I have not been able to find a solution. I tried getting just an ultrasound, but with dense tissue, they still told me they had to do a mammogram. I was in agony for a week after it. I took one of those genetic tests, determined I am not currently considered high risk, and decided to just pray if there is something wrong I will find it early in self exam.

   7. I don’t think there’s a way to avoid this. Every year I get a breast exam (too young for mammos still) that requires me to follow up with ultrasound that requires me to follow up with a biopsy which shows no cancer. I wish I could skip the ultrasound because we all know it will show a mass instead of a cyst and will thus require a biopsy but we can’t. So, every year it’s 3 separate appointments and procedures to be told I don’t have cancer.

      1. Oh how horrible. I’m so sorry you have to endure this.

         Very stressful.
         Very expensive.

         1. It’s annoying to have to schedule but is otherwise fine.

            I was 22 the first time it happened and living across the country from my family so that was a little scary, but by now (I’m 27) it’s commonplace.

            Sometimes the biopsies are extremely painful (after the local anesthetic wears off), but most years they’re not – just depends on where the biopsy is. Some years I take a day off to recover, some years I go back to the office after the biopsy.

            Luckily with insurance it’s like $150 all in, so not too bad.

            The peace of mind of knowing it’s not cancer, which does run in the family, is all worth it.

   8. Not quite what you’re asking, but can you go to the highest acuity hospital in your area when you’re choosing where to have it done? I have suburban ones near me and a facility that is much larger where they send you for a second scan if suspicious. I now just go to that larger facility for the initial screening and haven’t required a second scan since.

      I wouldn’t just skip it. If you’re young and get breast cancer, it’s more likely to be an aggressive type. And that’s not any strategy for the long term.

      Your best bet is to try to find the most experienced place you can. It also may be worth finding a primary doctor to talk with who can prescribe an antianxiety med. Mine did that for me when I needed to have a breast biopsy done, and it made it a ton easier to get through.

   9. For me the MRI was a claustrophobia coffin size space and loud. Even with valium I was just on the verge of panic the entire time. Mamo was painful but better than that.

   10. Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. Really appreciate it.

       MRIs are nothing for me. To make $ on the side in grad school I used to volunteer for research studies and was once in an MRI for a couple hours.

       But partially tearing my breast off my body is.

   11. I know this isn’t what anyone wants to hear, but as someone who was diagnosed at 39 with ZERO family history and ZERO genetic markers, please please please put up with the pain and do the screenings. The predictors only tell you so much. Mine still says my lifetime risk was under 5%. Joke’s on the screening predictors. I did have dense b-reasts (before they were amputated), which does appear to be developing into more of a recognized risk factor.

   12. I have a strong negative reaction to being touched that rules out mammograms, and I didn’t have a problem getting an MRI-first referral from my PCP or getting insurance (Cigna) to cover it when I was experiencing breast pain. The radiologist’s notes came back with some passive-aggressive commentary about how they really recommend a mammogram and ultrasound, and I have been warned that MRI alone doesn’t pick up all very early-stage cancers, but it’s better than nothing. I’d recommend trying to frame it as a physical inability to have the exam without incurring injury or reinjury and see if that gets you anywhere.

   13. Sorry that sucks. My techs always roll their eyes.

   14. I work with more ObGyns than I want to think about. All women but one. Most could give zero shits about anything but babies.

       It may be possible to get your PCP to change your order from screening to diagnostic. It’ll require different auth, though. I have very dense breasts that’s aren’t small and that meant a different type of mammo and then an ultrasound.

4. Does anyone have ideas for how to get wrinkles out of a sequin dress? I have tried hanging it up in the bathroom while the shower is running. I am wondering about covering it with a T-shirt and trying to iron it on a low setting? I don’t have a steamer unfortunately.

   1. I’d take it to a dry cleaner for this.

   2. Your iron can’t be used as a steamer? I use mine as such all the time. I crank it to high and hold it vertically. It steams better than my actual steamer. Alternatively, you can usually iron sequins from the back. Just turn the dress inside out. Try with a t-shirt over it first if you want, but on a relatively low setting, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

   3. I’d steam it from the wrong side. Test in an inconspicuous place first to make sure the heat isn’t going to warp the sequins.

5. I’m really struggling with my hair lately. It’s long, coarse, thick, and wavy. My issues are that it’s very frizzy and my scalp gets flaky, so I try to use moisturizing products like leave-in conditioner, mousse, or smoothing creams, but they cause build-up and my hair feels greasy and gross after. I’ve also tried lighter-weight products like sprays, which don’t leave me feeling greasy, but they don’t seem to do enough to fight frizz. I think I’ve posted about this before, but I’mn just so frustrated lately. Help!

   1. You could try curly girl method. The idea is no silicones or sulphates, and a specific way to style. I use all drug store products and my natural wavy hair has never felt or looked better. Happy to provide more details if you’d like!

      1. I have looked into it, but never tried – I’m open to almost anything though! I’d love more details. Thanks!

         1. I used to direct people to search “curly girl method” on reddit and a great info graph popped up. Can’t find it anymore, but this is also helpful: https://i.imgur.com/FA7kPST.png
            Basically you are going to do a “reset” wash that gets out any of the unwanted product out of your hair. I do this every time after I straighten my hair, or use “non CGM approved products”.
            Then I would suggest starting very simple
            1. Approved shampoo (I don’t cowash) I use Trader Joe’s tea tingle shampoo
            2. Approved conditioner: I use suave which I know sounds crazy, but it’s approved
            3. Dry your hair using a tshirt or microfiber towel (not a regular towel)
            4. Optional (maybe leave this out until you get the hang of it) I use a leave in cream (blueberry bliss leave in) and a curl activator (uncle funky’s daughter)
            5. Gel (or mousse) I use LA Looks Blue gel (yes the one that is $2).
            6. Air dry or diffuse, but to start I’d let it air dry.

            Take photos! It can let you see how your hair is changing and reacts to different products. I joined a few facebook groups to learn what worked for other people and test try different products. Also if you are unsure if a product is cgm approved, you can look it up on curlscan.com. For rinsing out conditioner, apply products, i “squish” everything into my hair – look up videos on how to do it. I also sleep with my hair in a “pineapple” – this basically means a loose ponytail on top of my head. I only use the coil looking hair ties. When I wake up, I will “refresh” my hair with a spraybottle full of water. Spray it all over, and it will reactivate the product in your hair. Happy to answer any questions you have! I hope it is as life changing for you as it was for me.

      2. This – Watch 15 or so tiktoks on it and you’ll be set to start.

   2. Paul Mitchel Skinny Serum might help with the frizz.

      1. I’ve tried this – it really doesn’t do much for me.

   3. I’d try using only-natural products, since lots of salon brands have silicones that coat your hair and cause build-up. My favorite brand is Pacifica, and I use their peptide silk shampoo/conditioner along with their instant gloss mask. If you’re worried about frizzy scalp, I’d swap out the shampoo and use their rosemary mint shampoo instead, along with a rosemary serum (Mielle’s is getting a lot of buzz). My hair is as long, thick, and healthy feeling as I could imagine it being.

      Whatever you do, find a brand without sulfates, parabens, or silicones, that instead gets moisturizing elements from natural oils and proteins.

      1. Thanks! I will look into Pacifica products. I appreciate it!

   4. Have you tried a few drops of oil (I like the trader joe’s argan oil) just on the ends? That way nothing would end up on your roots

      1. Possibly dumb question…what would this do? Most of my frizz is on/around the top of my head, so would that help? Or would it just help with overall moisture? Thanks :)

         1. If it’s mostly around your crown or your part, the frizz is probably breakage. Very sparing amounts of oil or leave-in conditioner will help smooth it some, but the real issue is you need those hairs to grow out (and stop breaking). I’d do some research on preventing breakage – usually stuff like using a gentle wide-tooth comb, a silk pillowcase or bonnet, and a bond builder.

      2. I second this advice, it helps with my thick, coarse, curly, dry hair. Just a tiny amount smoothed over the top.

         I also use just coconut oil as a mask as it has antibacterial and anti fungal properties and does a beautiful job of softening my hair, while I find masks clog up my scalp.

   5. Are you using a clarifying shampoo like Suave to remove the buildup?
      Are you using CG-friendly products? The buildup is the main reason that theory exists. It’s much easier than before because you can just copy the ingredients and paste them into a site called isitcg.com – i’ve even done it in the store, grabbing the text from a photo i took. Trader Joe’s Tea Tree Oil, Not Your Mothers (try the hot pink one for lots of moisture), Kinky Curly, etc. Helpful “holy grail” list is at Reddit’s Curly Hair subredit under product lists.
      https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair/

      Finally – I have thick curly hair and just thin it, especially in the winter when it takes too long to dry. I’ve been cutting my own hair since the pandemic – I just lift up the top section of my hair and go to town on the bottom sections (that will be hidden by the top sections). No regrets yet.

   6. Is your scalp dry and flaky or oily and flaky?
      My scalp is DRY and itchy. I’ve been using Hask tea-tree oil shampoo and it does a good job of getting rid of product without contributing to more dryness. Maybe use once or twice a week and smoothing shampoo the other days.
      A couple times a week I’ll do a few drops of vitamin E oil on my scalp before bed.

   7. I have wavy/curly thick, coarse hair and I’ve just accepted that frizz is part of life.

   8. Not a popular response here but keratin treatment every 4 months (one of the lighter formulations that takes care of the frizz without making my hair stick straight).

      The curly girl method gave me great hair but was way too time intensive for my life.

   9. Very similar hair and I use a lazy version of curly girl method. I’ve switched to Mop Top shampoo/conditioner/leave in conditioner/gel as their products really worked for me. They have a “wavy hair” bundle on their website that has all of those, I think. For me the key was shampooing more often than full-on curly girl method, plus lightweight conditioner and other products. They also have a lighter gel that I use in the winter and a stronger one that I use in the summer when my hair is frizzier.

      MopTop is on amaz.n but if you buy directly from them they are really easy to deal with and usually drop a coupon for next time into the package.

   10. I use clarifying shampoo every month or so. Currently it’s As I Am Curl Clarity.

   11. I have thick, strong, chem processed wavy hair that tends to feel dry and frizzy if not pampered properly. What worked for me after many years of trial & error:
       * using SLS-free shampoo (I like Wella Professionals Elements shampoo, it’s a great value for money)
       * after I have washed out the shampoo, I towel-dry my hair, apply Kerastase Maskeratin hair mask generously and let it work for 10-15 mins while I brush my teeth, file hard skin off my heels and check my nails
       * I alternate Maskeratin mask with Redken Acid Bonding Conditioner (so every other time I wash my hair, I skip the mask and do the conditioner instead)
       * once mask or conditioner is off, I apply a tiny bit of Redken’s Leave-In Treatment (Extreme or Acid Bonding) into the lengths of my hair and blow-dry

       I think the mask & leave-in treatment are the biggest differentiator – when I switched to this combo, even my hairdresser noticed difference and since then, she doesn’t need to do any deeper cuts and I managed to grow my hair despite regular trimmings.

       I have added the conditioner to my routine inly recently, but so far, I like it and would even consider trying their hair mask and see if it could replace the Kerastase one.

       The key ingredient that works for my hair is amodimethicone, you can watch Lab Bunny on YT explain how it works. All products I use to treat my hair contain it.

   12. If you are having that much flaking, try a dandruff shampoo for a couple week. It isn’t glamorous but I have dandruff (aka seborrheic dermatitis) in my eyebrows and the front of my scalp and using a shampo with 1% ketoconazole has been amazing! No more flakes. But you have to use it regularly.

6. I wore wool suiting pants last week with 2″ block heel pumps and felt like a total office rock star. We have “clothes” as a dress code and it somehow allows in stuff like crop tops and off-shoulder dresses, but does not allow in Athleta fleece leggings (worn as pants; am actually wearing them under a long dress with tall boots and that is OK) or t-shirts with words, which is my preferred attire. After 3 years of weirdness and WFH, it felt really nice to be in OG office attire for once (had client meeting; wore with sweater b/c a full suit would have not fit the client’s vibe).

   1. While I (a young millennial) do think crop tops are inappropriate in the office, I also think any sort of leggings and probably 95% of t shirts with writing on them also are inappropriate for the office.

      I’m in the office 3-4 days a week and we’re mid-level business casual (no jeans, even on Fridays, but also a blazer isn’t needed), and I do love getting dressed for work. Work clothes always feel so polished to me and it is fun to have a reason to dress up.

      1. Yeah, the crop top showing navel is wrong, but I get stabby that it’s only some inappropriate clothes that are not allowed (vs all inappropriate clothes). Like heeled sandals are OK but my feet like Birkenstocks (specifically not OK unless you have a note that you have had foot surgery (seriously)).

         1. But surely you realize there’s a huge difference in the formality of heeled sandals vs Birkenstock’s?

            All but the most formal of offices allow heeled sandals. Almost no offices allow Birks.

            Everyone’s feet are happier in Birks but they’re certainly not office shoes.

         2. Birkenstock now offers sandals that have a wedge heel, if that helps you at all. There are some that are very strappy and some with a lot more coverage. They are fantastic.

   2. I see a lot of what I used to think of “datewear” at the office. These are the people even on my team that in prior times I might take along to client dinners just to help them grow in their roles and after working on a deal. Now, thanks to COVID, that doesn’t happen much any more. I’m not sure that the kids would be welcome, but I dread that I would have to have a convo re appropriate dress for client dinners with them. Our office hasn’t, so it would fall to me (but would talk to HR first). In all likelihood, I wouldn’t want to touch this as I see it as just taking on risk for no good reason.

      1. Yeah younger employees (I’m 29 but I’m taking about the 25 and younger crowd who don’t have pre-COVID full time in office experience) often don’t seem to know how to dress appropriately in a business casual environment. It might be the correct level of dressy-ness but it’d not situation appropriate

         1. Yeah, I’ve observed this of my 23 year old colleague. We are a casual office but she’s taking that far!

   3. I work for a team that requires blazers and doesn’t even allow jeans on Fridays in a company where most teams can wear jeans any day of the week.

      I think a lot of what I see my peers (I’m 28) in is trendy but mostly office appropriate. The younger coworkers I see from more casual teams wear things that are trendy but not office appropriate. I’ve seen wide leg, ripped jeans, crop tops, jeans and a flannel, jeans with chunky sneakers.

      I’m pretty up on fashion but I’m obviously more limited in what trendy things I can wear to the office and it is a little disappointing (because some colleagues wear really cute and appropriate outfits that are too casual for my team). For example, I have to wear a blazer but a cute oversized blazer would not fly.

   4. I really enjoy getting fully dressed for court, then changing into comfy clothes for the rest of the work day. Best of both worlds!

7. can anyone recommend opaque white pants? ideally jeans but i’d take anything…

   1. J Crew Factory and Loft

      TBH, I think you may also need to go up a size — fabric under no strain is more opaque, especially in white.

      1. +1. I size up for light-colored pants.

      2. I had a pair of Loft wide leg jeans that were such a workhorse in my work wardrobe for many years.

   2. I just bought a pair of opaque white jeans at Zara. They are super cute.

   3. I’ve never found such a thing but pettipants or skims can make them opaque. (I learned about pettipants on this board. I feel like my grandmother wearing them but they really work.)

   4. I’ve had good luck the past couple seasons with white jeans from Talbots. Ditto sizing up.

   5. I have a pair of white jeans from Everlane that I adore and can wear black underneath with no issue. I think they’re the straightleg jeans

   6. Pretty good I bought recently: https://www.loft.com/clothing/new-arrivals/catl00009/603861.html

8. Paper got desk-rejected…but I just sent it to a new journal so good vibes appreciated.

   1. vibes!!

   2. Good vibes for you!

9. I have realized that I really dislike a solid 50% of my middle management responsibilities. I’m currently waiting on someone’s answer about whether they’re going to accept a position they’ve been offered. If they don’t, I’m back to square one. And in a management meeting earlier today, we found out that our org is going to offer an internship program that IMO, is going to create a whole lot of work with a minimal amount of payoff. This had literally never been discussed before, and now it’s apparently happening, with plans to hire an internship coordinator. Org also has launched a new performance management system and everyone is freaking out about it. Most of the freaking out didn’t happen until AFTER the training sessions, ugh. Another situation where the decision had been made before the mid-levels were asked to provide feedback.

   There are so many days when I want to throw my hands up and go back to being an individual contributor. There’s literally no path for me to do that but I seriously don’t want to solve these problems anymore.

   1. Look for an individual contributor role at a new company.

   2. No advice, just my sympathies.

10. does anyone else get anxiety in groups of people? i do and always end up talking too much and putting my foot in my mouth. i have a book club meeting with a new group of ladies tonight – any tips on how to make it through without making an a$$ of myself?

    1. Yes to the anxiety. If it makes you feel better I had anxiety to go read to my 3 year old’s preschool room yesterday. It happens to the best of us.
       One idea, if I’m with a new group and I want to avoid over sharing out of being nervous. I focus on asking other people questions (obviously not rude questions). People like to talk about themselves. So I always figure it’s a safe place to start.

    2. Yup, been there. To avoid the word vomit, ask questions and try to just listen. Or give yourself something specific to do. I also try to make a goal of connecting with 1-2 people, not the whole group, which is way too intimidating.

    3. This is me! I know that people will say that no one is actually paying that close attention to you but I still always feel self conscious about everything. I have read that you should try to focus on other people and getting to know them – ask more questions and genuinely try to listen. Good luck! I hope you have some fun tonight.

    4. I was in this exact situation a couple weeks ago so I totally feel you. It helped that I was the only one not drinking, so I just tried to relate my comments back to something someone else had said, and they would inevitably pick it back up with tipsy effusiveness and talk some more.

    5. I saw a great tip on Ask A Manager about a similar situation (this was a person asking for help reining herself in in a professional environment) – basically, count the number of people there, and figure out what a proportional amount of talking would be – so if there are 10 people including you, you should only be talking about 10% of the time.

Comments are closed.