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Anonymous
Does anyone else feel like parents are WAY more involved now with their teens and then teens don’t seem to dislike it as much are we did back in the 90s? Or do the high schoolers dislike it and parents just don’t notice? DH and I have an eighth grader who’ll be in high school in six months and we’re trying to navigate the waters of how involved to be while letting him have his own friends, interactions, etc. In our affluent suburb DH and I are continually surprised that moms and dads are SO involved – might in part be because so many live off of investment income, their own consulting gigs etc. that they aren’t tied to a traditional career.
DH and I were talking last night and DH was saying that when he occasionally shows up at son’s practices because he is early or whatever, it’s very clear that all these other parents attend EVERY practice. And not only attend but many are down there giving high fives and practically participating. He says it’s the same with certain dads showing up to team dinners acting like one of the guys – when the guys are 14 and they are 48.
DH who played a sport per season in HS says that was unheard of in the 90s. He only rarely remembers anyone’s parents attending a practice and if they did often it was because they worked shift work and happened to be off that afternoon and didn’t know if they’d have off on game day, so may as well come to practice. And attending meant parking a car on the side of the tennis courts or football field or whatever and watching from a distance – no participation whatsoever. Or there were a handful who attended because their kid was a top D1 recruit so they were there to see what scouts were watching their kid.
I recalled the one mom and dad in my friend group who when we had sleepovers at their house practically wanted to hang out with the kids all night, talk as if they were one of the kids. Yet we played along because they were the permissive parents offering Irish coffees in the morning . . . . We played along but their own daughter was always super embarrassed and everyone rolled their eyes at 45 year old Bill and Jane trying to act 15 and eventually their daughter would just be like – nope not sleeping over at my house as she hated the whole thing.
Yet these days kids don’t seem to hide away from their parents, not tell them about practices etc. to avoid their parents’ presence – which is what we would’ve done. We’ll obviously take our son’s lead on how involved we should be or not, but have the trends shifted that much?
Anon
My son had a falling out with a kid in his friend group at the very end of middle school. I know what caused it – friend was making son the butt of his jokes for the entertainment of others. Son told me about it and I said “you don’t have to be friends with this kid.” Other kid’s mom found this unacceptable and kept trying to contact me about it even when they were in high school. It was ridiculous.
Any parents reading this, I know it hurts when your kid hurts, but they can choose their battles and fight their own battles. Please let them.
EWF
Super interesting. I think the parent/child dynamic has definitely shifted in some ways, although I work at a preK – 12th grade private school (FULL of helicopter parents) and do not often see adults at high school or even middle school practices. There’s always that one outlier (ex: parent who so badly wants to be part of the coaching staff) but if anything I feel like people are even busier these days than they were in the 80’s so there’s much less hanging around/free time. That said, I definitely know that my relationship with my kids is WAY different than the one I had with my mom. They and their friends purposefully hang out in our kitchen and shoot the breeze with me and my spouse — we’re also the “hang house” (no drugs or alcohol — just comfy couches and a ton of snacks) which I think makes a difference.
towelie
Maybe they have less to hide than we did lol. I’ve read they have less romantic relationships than the generations before and a lot of them seem to prefer video games or tiktok to going out.
Anecdotally from when I lived in a close-knit apartment building in an urban area I noticed the younger crowd didn’t party nearly as hard as the late 20s-early 40s group.
Anonymous
The sleepover thing is unusual but I would say many millennials like myself enjoy being involved with our kids activities. I’ve suggested drop off a few times for different activities and 7th grader has usually requested I stay and watch. Dance is the only one where parents don’t seem to stay.
I don’t think being involved with their kids and prioritizing time with their kids over work when possible is a big deal. Sounds more like an economic privilege situation.
Anonymous
It’s shifted in our house because she and I work from home. Our 5th grader has bball practice and DH will often stay to watch because it’s convenient and he can watch / answer some emails. Some other parents go and help coach (it is a parent coached league, extra hands are super helpful).
In our town dads are more present than ever- at dropoff, sports, etc. I’m not sure if this is more of a COVID thing or more of a an “everyone can work remote” thing.
Also, with social media, texting, etc it’s easier for parents to communicate with each other. Should they? Idk. But is way easier to get in touch than once the 90s when you had to call and leave a message on the answering machine.
Cat
I was a teen in the 90s and no, parents were not hanging around watching practices. Tr-nsportation only.
Anon
If I stay at practice it is likely because I can get work done and if not I am socializing or taking a walk but watching my kid like a hawk.
roxie
Yes, these are classic examples of the rise of helicopter and competitive parenting. This has been pretty well documented. And it’s directly correlated to the emotional and mental health crises of Gen Z.
Anon
Not only that, but in many of my kids’ sports the WHOLE FAMILY attends the practices. Little siblings sit on iPads while mom and dad are both there. I think it’s NUTS.
Sometimes I do stay at practice, for two reasons: 1) it’s a short practice and driving back and forth doesn’t make sense, or 2) it’s outside with a playground so my other kids can run around. I don’t actively watch much of the practices, though, as I’m typically watching the other kids.
It can’t be good for kids to think that the family revolves around them to such an extent.
Anon
I know someone who has two kids in club baseball and every single weekend for 12-something straight weeks every year, the entire family is at the baseball field from dawn until dusk. The younger daughter got to sit on the sidelines and play with a doll on her own birthday. I don’t like to judge but that didn’t sit right with me.
Anon
My kid played club about an hour drive away, so yeah, I mostly didn’t drop her off. I often tried to arrange carpools but kids were coming from all over the place so it’s not like everyone was commuting from our location to the club location. I made friends with a couple of the parents so I sometimes sat with them during practice. My husband and I basically split the club duties. He does love the sport so he enjoyed watching practice more than I did. I got a lot done on my iphone or I sometimes went and did some shopping or got some lunch to have waiting for my kid in the car.
Honestly, I look back on those drives as some of our best mother-daughter times. I had a job that had me traveling 50-75% but I would take the late flight back every Friday so that I could take her to those practices. Kids can be so open and honest with you when you’re both staring straight ahead at the road and not trying to bond staring into their eyes on the couch.
Josie P
Our town is big, so parents usually sit in their cars during practice (if soccer is on one end of the town, you can live 25 minutes away at the other end) esp when practices are only an hour. We try to carpool for this reason!
I haven’t run into that many parents helicoptering their kids’ social relationships except with my youngest (who is a middle school girl, so maybe that’s why?).
Anonymous
I saw parents or whole families watching practices for club sports through middle school. I never watched because when my kid was 6 she announced that I needed to leave the building. I noticed that a lot of parents would insist that the whole family to attend games and meets, often to the point where younger siblings or the girls in the family were being forced to give up their own activities so they could watch their brothers play.
For high school music and theatre, at least half of the parents don’t even show up to the performances. I chalk it up to the fact that parents in these parts only understand and care about sports.
I don’t think parents would be allowed to watch school sports practices. Not sure whether they show up to high school games.
Anon
I have an 18 year old, and am definitely closer to her than I was to my own mom at that age. I attribute at least some of that to the parental attitudes towards Gen X kids. My mom loved me fiercely but frankly was a lot more checked out than I am as a mom. Having said that, I have not stayed and watched my daughter’s sports practices since she was about 6 years old. I do like to chat with her friends when they are at our house because I think her friends are great, but it’s a situation of chatting for a few minutes when they first get to our house or when we are in the same room rather than hanging out all together for an extended period.
Anon
Funny story: my sister is a teacher. One of her students did poorly on a test and asked to be excused from class to call her mom because she was upset.
My sister was equally bewildered by the request to leave class to use a cell phone (which aren’t allowed out of lockers during the day) and the fact that a kid who did poorly on a test WANTED to tell her parents. We were laughing, when we were growing up everyone we knew (ourselves included) hid poor grades from parents!
anon
My kid is only in 2nd grade, but among extended family, friends, and colleagues, I think parents are more involved.
In general, I see more parental involvement as a good thing for kids. Today’s kids are dealing with some really tough stuff at earlier ages (see smart phone discussion earlier). It’s mostly good for them to know their parents are there for them, if it’s in a healthy and supportive way. My parents loved me, but they were super busy, super distracted, and emotionally distant. I had no inclination to tell them about grades, boyfriends, friend drama, etc until I was out of college. And I was a huge ball of untreated anxiety, as were most of my friends–high achieving group, but lots of eating disorders, cutting, bad decisions about s*x, and reckless driving. Some of us who were fortunate to have parents who were good people could have used involved, supportive parents.
Another positive– I see today’s dads as more involved than my dad was or my friends’ dads were. They do drop-off and pickup, coach their kids’ sports teams, have a general idea of what’s going on in the classroom, volunteer with the school’s men’s club, and even take their kids to birthday parties. True story–my parents came over for dinner a few nights ago, and we were talking about how I broke my arm roller skating in 6th grade. My dad made some comment about how I hadn’t done much roller skating before then. I had a birthday party at the roller-skating rink and probably went to one every month for 5 years. My mom rolled her eyes because she drove me there literally dozens of times, and he apparently never went.
Anon
IMO, parents are WAY too involved in day to day activities like grades, homework, friend groups, etc. Then the teens get to college and cannot do a single thing for themselves. Trust your instincts even if the hoverers make you doubt yourself.
Anon
+1 My friend who works in higher ed has some incredible stories about parents stepping in and calling her on behalf of their kid. It’s wild. Some of these kids have absolutely no problem solving skills and cannot make decisions without consulting parents or getting parents to make them. It’s a real problem IMO
Vicky Austin
Is it me or is this…not fuchsia?
Anon
It’s not fuschia
Anon
It’s not at all
Jules
Nope. I would call it maybe orchid pink?
Anon
I believe my crayon box called this Carnation.
Senior Attorney
Nailed it!
Cat
Yeah not at all. Peony maybe? Or Vivid Hydrangea? Fuschia is a lot darker.
Anon
It’s just a little bluer than bubble gum. Definitely not fuchsia
Anonymous
Peony, cool bubblegum, ice pink….
It’s a cool toned pink, but certainly not fuchsia!
Runcible Spoon
It’s Barbie pink! I actually kind of love it, especially at that price — justifiable as a fad fashion purchase which will look horribly out of date in six months.
Anon
yay, more garbage!
Runcible Spoon
You have no idea how I live my life, nor what I do with discarded clothing. Judge all you want — it has no productive effect, and I don’t care!
Jules
Yes!
Jules
This was supposed to reply to anon at 2:34. And thanks for the memory of my old crayola box.
Anon
I’m pretty sure at some point I thought that grown-up life would involve having the full 256 box with built-in sharpener.
Vicky Austin
Paging the poster from the other day who was interested in reclaiming her childhood/adolescence: this would be a wonderful way to start. Turn yourself loose with a Crayola box and enjoy!
Anon
It can if you want it to!
Kate
Most of my siblings and I have objective markers of success- degrees, good paying jobs, present well to external people. I regularly am told in social and professional settings that my “parents did really well” and that I/we are products of “successful parenting” and that I “owe a lot” to my parents. This often frustrates me (although I try not to show it). My parents had a lot of kids, essentially ignored us, and we raised each other. It was not all bad. My parents provided food and shelter and clothing until we were all 16, at which point we were expected to find our own all of the above (or pay them rent). As a result, we all started working before or at the legal age in our state, biked miles to work, saved for college or went through the military to be able to pay for school. I am not mad at my parents, I accept that is how they chose to parent and most of us have been financially independent, hard workers as a result. But there is so much people don’t know. I am looking for a simple answer that I can say to folks, like clients and judges at networking hours, that will not invite further conversation on the topic. Typically I say “thank you” or “I’ll be sure to let them know” with a smile (even though I never actually let them know). Sometimes, though, people push for details about how we were raised. I don’t want to give details but struggle with how to be polite while shutting it down. Suggestions?
Anon
This would piss me off too. I’d probably say something like “actually, I credit my siblings for how we all turned out – we were a huge support to each other from the beginning.”
Cat
This is strange to me that it would come up so frequently in your circles, especially pushing for details!?! Is it people that know several of you?? I have never been asked this.
I agree staying breezy is best – something like “hey with [6] of us, we learned how to be self-sufficient or cooperative as the situation called for” and saying nothing of substance.
Anonymous
This is an incredibly odd thing for anyone to say to an adult. Are you still in law school and do you appear younger than traditional law student age?
Your responses are perfect.
Anonymous
Can you pivot to a sibling reference? Like “thanks very much. Actually it was my brother Bob who got me interested in work subject’ or ‘Thanks, I’m following in the footsteps of Sister who got her ABC degree and that inspired me’ or ‘being responsible for paying for college myself was an early lesson in financial management that I still rely on but college costs have really shot up recently’ Then ask about their kids – where are they going to college, what sports do their kids do. People like to talk about themselves.
They aren’t genuinely asking for parenting tips. Just give some small fact or anecdote and pivot back to them.
Anon
Agree with all of this, especially if you aren’t the oldest. “Truth be told, my parents weren’t great at parenting. My oldest brother, Bob, just took the reins when he was still a kid and got us all here today.”
Anonymous
I would avoid a negative comment about the parents as it opens the door to a nosy person asking why they weren’t great or what they did wrong.
Anon
Yeah, don’t feed the nosiness. You just encourage more of it. They don’t have any right to know whether your parents did well or not.
Anon
“My parents weren’t great at parenting” is a comment that would blow up any light conversation I’ve ever been a part of! I would stick with the nice comment about Bob.
Anon
Seriously. Don’t say this.
Anon
Is it a light conversation if they are prying into your background like this?
Anon
Further thoughts: much like an attorney shouldn’t ask a question in a courtroom that they don’t already know the answer to, someone in a professional setting probably shouldn’t ask questions about personal matters that they don’t already know the answer to (or the answer is inherently so benign it doesn’t matter). That isn’t “light” conversation.
It’s also wildly inappropriate to make these kinds of assumptions about people, as well as inappropriate to treat grown-a$$ adults as if their primary identification is as a child.
I take it you come from a background totally devoid of trauma or material want, which is how you can afford to be this clueless.
Anon
People don’t want their assumptions challenged. I know this because my background is like OPs. There are a thousand ways that people pressure colleagues to be from the right set or to pretend to be!
My husband is from the wrong part of NYC, and I’ve had people literally correct me, as if I they know better than I do where he grew up!
Anon
The fact that people are definitely in the wrong asking these kinds of questions does not change the fact that it would be incredibly awkward to respond this way. It’s the way life is, like it or not. If it were people I already didn’t like or the situation were one I didn’t care about, sure, I might give a snarky response. But otherwise it’s best to just be a duck and let it roll off your back.
Anon
I think it’s really weird that people are digging in on how you were raised and you shouldn’t feel like you need to engage with that – simply shrugging and smiling and moving on is fine. If you want to answer more directly I would say something like “you know, my parents were great and what I think they did best was give us space to figure things out for ourselves and become self sufficient – I’m really proud that I (have earned my own at or whatever specific to you).”
Anon
Geographically, where is this happening? I moved to a part of America where everyone KNOWS that if you’re successful, you had a good upbringing. I really wish I knew how to manage the ignorance.
Anon
Thanks! – pivot to a question about them
If they ask again, maybe do the politician “answer the question you wish you had been asked” — something like:
Them: “No, seriously, what did your parents do so right???”
You: “I had a fantastic high school English teacher – she was the first person who helped me think of myself as a “real writer” and how I could make a career of that” or
“Honestly I learned a /ton/ from my first job – I was a grocery store cashier in high school, and I learned so much about dealing with the public!” or
“I joined the army to pay for school, and it also really gave me the confidence that I can do hard things and come out the other side — I really needed that in law school”
Say it cheerfully, follow up with a question about them, and no one will notice you literally didn’t answer the question
Anon
I don’t think I’ve ever been told in a social or personal setting that my parents did well. What a bizarre thing to say.
Nina
There have definitely been multiple times where people were making casual conversation, asked if I had siblings and then what they’re doing, I replied, and then they said something like “what a smart family!”. So the other siblings have to come up somehow, but this is believable.
Kate
Thank you all for all the responses, and those of you who have validated this is weird – I have been puzzled. Without ID’ing myself, my surname and physical appearance are unique for my region of the States. I probably look younger than I am, but am solidly mid-career, my peers are 10-15 years out of law school. Some folks ask lots of questions about background/where I grew up, other times I have had people straight up say they Googled me, found Dr. (surname), and asked if that’s my sibling (answer is typically yes). As examples, this happened a couple weeks ago at a client dinner, last quarter at my law firm retreat, last summer at the judge/attorney CLE both during the social and during a panel I was on – all with some follow up questions about my parents, which is why I’ve struggled to punt the topic. Again – I am grateful for all the ideas!!
Anon
Are you Indian and in the south? This would make perfect sense.
Anonymous
People say this to me too. I have all the typical markers of success: prestigious university degree obtained earlier than peers, bought a house in a HCOL city at 25, and now at 30 lead a huge project that impacts hundreds of thousands of people. But my parents were so neglectful, they stopped cooking for me at about 11, I had to feed myself after that. They stopped paying for anything (clothes, school trips etc) or driving me anywhere at 14, so I had to get a job and bussed everywhere (or on the rare occasion I missed the bus walk 2 miles along a rural highway to school). I definitely commiserate, usually when people try and credit my success to my parents I reply that I’m actually self made, but I’m not sure the response gets through.
Anon
For people who think it’s bizarre that people say this, I think it’s a large families thing (especially if multiple siblings work in closely related enough areas that people encounter a plurality of them).
(My husband and I are both from large families, and people have made comments.)
Anon
Are you young and/or do you look young?
anonshmanon
I could also see this weird questioning be a symptom of bias, if the OP is part of a marginalized group, so her success is something that ‘needs an explanation’.
Runcible Spoon
THIS. So OP, you have the double burden of owning your own accomplishments AND soothing the questioner’s peevish curiosity. My condolences. It is not your responsibility to teach the world about your upbringing. These commenters are just showing you who they are. You might want to cut to the chase and simply say “thank you,” and move on, as continuing this topic of conversation is unlikely to be productive or satisfying to either side.
Anonymous
Never have been asked this and I’m 50 y/o on the executive team at my company, higher ed degrees, etc.
I think you are handling this well and wouldn’t change your response. I also would advise not going too far into what your siblings did vs. parents, etc. I had a colleague with a rough upbringing who frequently bashed her parents. It came across as very immature, even if it was justified. At a certain point, we are all more than our parents did or didn’t provide–we eventually become adults with our own agency and you particularly want to be seen that way in a professional setting.
As cold as it may sound, most folks in work settings don’t want to hear the details of how you have been wronged. This is casual chitchat and nothing more. To give more background on your relationship with your parents only makes the listener feel bad for you (awkward) or worse will potentially make you look like someone who talks poorly behind others’ backs. It’s not the best way to bond. To feel heard, share your story with your friends or therapist. Otherwise, keep it light. Just like if someone who is a casual connection asks you how you’re doing, you don’t owe them a laundry list of everything happy and sad that’s affecting you. I would keep the responses you’ve given and move along.
FWIW, I actually think keeping parents out of these convos is best even if it is a positive relationship. I worked with a director who would often recite her mother’s advice for managing people, approaching budget, etc., (mom was an executive at a big company) and it often made me have less respect for her, not more. Again, it’s a maturity thing.
Anon
But she’s not the one bringing up her family….?
Anonymous
No, but she is in control of whether to continue to add detail or just take it as a surface question to make light conversation.
The fact it’s being asked repeatedly is worth consideration. Forgive me, because I bring baggage from the former colleague with the tough upbringing. Former colleague would find a way to bring her tough upbringing into convos all the time, even with new clients who were at our office for project kick-off meetings. Literally you could go from “this is a great orange” to “I never had oranges growing up.” “Really?” “Yes, we moved frequently because my mom was an awful mother. I went to 13 schools by the time I was 16, and we were lucky to get normal groceries, etc. etc. etc.” I witnessed so many awkward exchanges like this–and literally, I think she was oblivious to how the convo ended up there. I’m not saying that’s OP. But just one other element to consider knowing there is sensitivity: If I say X, is convo likely to go to Y and likely end up at Z?
Anon
Ironically… this isn’t the place for your baggage, you get what I’m saying?
Anon
I’d be curious to know what your parents think of these comments.
I can relate to some degree. My sibling and I both became engineers, which in the area I grew up in, is rare. When people tell my parents “your kids must be smart, etc.”, my mother finds it strange and usually responds with “I think my kids work hard”.
If you’re looking for a different response maybe something like: “my parents raised us in an environment where we had to apply grit to succeed” would feel more appropriate.
Seventh Sister
I’m so sorry. It’s a statement that has more to do with the speaker than with you.
FWIW, I’ve gotten that from people before when I mention that my sister and I are both professionals in a relatively prestigious field. Honestly, I had it really easy. My parents were tremendously supportive and paid for our educations. They both had professional degrees and went to land-grant universities, so while they weren’t the kind that could arrange our first jobs or fancy internships, they understood the lay of the land in terms of taking of first jobs, etc.
I’d probably say something like, “there were 6 of us so we had to be pretty independent as kids.” A little more personal than, “thank you,” but not necessarily inviting further questions.
Anon
can you say something like, “we all take our own paths” and give them a brief “nope” via eye contact?
Dee2
“Yes they taught my siblings and I about how to be independent early. Some parts were tough. I’d much rather talk about…”
Gail the Goldfish
Ok, the Instagram ads are sucking me in again. Has anyone tried the Luhxe Travel Bag? I’m intrigured and wondering how much it actually holds and if things stay mostly wrinkle-free.
Anonymous
do you have different things you drink seasonally? i always think of Gone Girl — for some reason, I think the stalker boyfriend saved gin for summer and whiskey for winter. I’m not a big rose fan but there is something magical about having rose at a NYC cafe on one of the first days you can sit outside in spring.
Anon
Yes, for cocktails I like gin & tonic and margaritas in the spring and summer, and sidecars in the winter. Beer is year round and winter I basically only drink red wine, but I will have a good rose or white in the summer. (I promise I only drink on weekends, but there’s 52 of those!)
Vicky Austin
Never spent much time in NYC, but I think rose the first day you can sit outside in spring/summer is a time-honored ritual and should be savored.
Anon
Same!
Senior Attorney
Rose in the summer for the win — sparkling if you have it, please!
Anon
I’m not much of a drinker anymore but I was like your example – brown booze is for winter (though my brown booze of choice is Cognac) and gin is for summer. I don’t like vodka.
My main winter drink is a Side Car. My main summer cocktail is a Gin & Tonic.
In the winter I enjoy red wine more. In summer I like Vinho Verde and Gruner Veltliner and crisp, almost sour whites like those.
Anonymous
Does anyone have experience with vanguard law magazine ? Is it a scam or a pay for play
Cat
They beg everyone to be featured and if you agree they badger your company to buy ad space. Skip it.
Anonymous
Thanks Cat – suspected something like that but they did seem to have a few bigger names
Anonymous
Total scam. They also harass your outside counsel to buy ads.