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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The Somerset dress from Anthropologie has been my go-to for a few summers now, so I was pleasantly surprised to find this blouse in the same cut. This cheery red print would be fantastic for the office.
I would add some navy trousers and fun jewelry for a casual Friday. (NB: If you are on the bustier side, I sometimes use this delightful micro-stitch device to add a little extra coverage with tops like these.)
The top is $98 at Anthropologie and comes in sizes XS–XL.
Ann Taylor has a lower-priced option in straight and petite sizes for $64.50.
Hunting in general for blouses in pretty prints? As of 2024, some of the reader favorite brands include L'Agence, L'Amour Vert, Equipment, and Tucker NYC. On the more affordable side, check out NYDJ,* Halogen*, Loft,* and Kut from the Kloth. For plus sizes, check out Catherine Gee (and the asterisks)!
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Reader I am divorcing him
I’ve posted a couple of times (short story – alcoholic husband punched me again, I called the police, I am divorcing him). I heard yesterday that the police are taking no further action against my husband. This doesn’t change anything really on the end outcome, just means I have to speed up some legal stuff, but I am struggling today. My real life support person will be with me tonight, but dear internet strangers, help me be strong now. I’m having to go through our text message history, to find the bad stuff for various court orders, but of course there is good in there too and that is making me weep, and the what ifs creep in.
Been There
Good morning! You’ve already made the right decision. All you have to do is keep going. To paraphrase Senior Attorney, the only way out is through. And think of how much better your life will be this time next year.
Anon for this
I am so proud of you. This sucks and his hard, but you know that this is the right path. I know we’ve all talked about it, but one of the things I remember from taking away from some Al-Anon readings when I was a teenager was – none of this is your fault. Period.
You deserve happiness and light and peace.
Anon
Are you speeding up things for a restraining order? Or enforcing one or continuing it? The arrest report should be an important record and you can often get a recording of your 911 call(s), if that helps. Good luck.
Reader I am divorcing him
It’s to put the restraining orders in place, when he was bailed it was ok, and I had been lead to believe I had about 6 weeks more before any change would happen, then it was dropped on me yesterday afternoon.
Anon
Have you been in touch with the prosecutor’s office, or just the police? If the latter, look up your local prosecutor and call them. I would have more specific advice, but the procedures vary widely by jurisdiction.
Cat
You can do it. The text pattern is just as bad as the IRL behavior. Only way out is through!
Anon
Can you download the entire texting history and get someone else to go through it so you don’t have to
anon
I would so very happily do this for a friend (or stranger!). Perhaps this is the way.
Reader I am divorcing him
Brilliant idea, thank you
Anonymous
I just did this for a friend of mine – it was harrowing enough for me. I would highly recommend asking a friend to do this!
Anon
Or use GPT4, this is a great case to spend the $20.
Anonymous
Would not do this. This is too important to risk AI hallucination and not the info you want to put out on a platform without privacy.
Anon
There’s a big difference between the public version and 4, or get the lawyer friend to check with ediscovery software.
Vicky Austin
+1 I would do this for someone in a heartbeat! Congratulations on standing up for yourself. Lean on your people – and on us! We are rooting for you!
Anonymous
I have worked for 20 years in fields related to DV such as child protection and housing law.
I have NEVER met a woman who regretted leaving once the leaving process was done.
And EVERY single one of them struggled with the leaving process logistics.
Focus on where you want to be this time next year. Maybe make a vision board and then take a picture of it so you can look at it even when you are not home.
Senior Attorney
This is great advice. When I was in the thick of my divorce, I kept telling myself “this time next year, things will be much better.” And I was right!
anon
You are so strong to go through the legal process. Many people don’t have it in them to seek criminal and protective measures in court. You’re going above and beyond what is required of you and that is so, so impressive.
The good stuff mixed in with the bad is part of the pattern of abuse. It may help to keep that thought in your mind as you go through your phone that “This is part of the abuse. A normal relationship wouldn’t swing from high to low like this over and over again.” The happy what-ifs can only exist in your imagination because he is not, and cannot be, that person.
Anon
Sending you my best, internet stranger.
Regarding the good mixed in with the bad: it helped me to remember that Ted Bundy didn’t kill every person he met. He didn’t even kill most of the people he met. He had friends who cared about him.
So the “good” doesn’t invalidate the bad. Keep remembering that.
JD
Yeah at this point he’s hit you twice and hasn’t focused on his recovery. Don’t think he’d be a good husband if not for the alcohol; this is who he’s choosing to be for his wife. This is how he’s dragging your wedding vows through the mud. You’re doing the right thing and you won’t have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life to pacify this jerk.
Senior Attorney
So true. It’s my firm view that relationships should be evaluated based not on the best parts, but on the worst parts. In my relationship, the worst part is that my husband sometimes gets a little cranky when his computer is acting up. In your case it’s that your husband has HIT YOU.
anon
What do you mean the police are taking no further action? In most jurisdictions, prosecutors are the ones to approve or deny charges.
Reader I am divorcing him
I’m in the UK and the police have decided not to refer to the CPS, due to insufficient evidence. I suspect he has turned it all around on me. I’ve had my moments I confess, but I never beat him with a stick. And I can guarantee he started every fight when he was drunk. We are in he said/she said territory. Unfortunately he is a professional in that sort of world so knows how to come over as the injured party.
Anon
My friend, let me tell you from experience: a certain brand of person is outstanding at this. They are simply excellent at pretending to be victims, appropriate fake fear and trembling lips and all. It is horrifying to watch in real time, and I am so sorry that you married this person. It is not you.
Anonymous
Here are the CPS guidelines for these situations – I would push back on the decision not to refer to CPS if possible. This link also has info on civil orders available and links to support organizations.
https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/domestic-abuse
Anonymous
This guide on police referring to CPS might also be useful: https://www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/legal_guidance/Troubleshooting-Guide-Domestic-Abuse-Referrals.pdf
“Q: The CPS is only focused on the best cases and discourages referrals for charging.
/ The police are not referring appropriate cases.
A: The decision to prosecute in domestic abuse cases must be made by the CPS, in
accordance with the Director’s Guidance on Charging, 5th Edition and the Aide-Memoire on Charging in Domestic Abuse cases. The CPS Domestic Abuse Charging Advice Sheet has been prepared for police officers and prosecutors to further clarify the existing requirements around police referral of domestic abuse. Only cases which are capable of meeting the Threshold Test or Full Code Test as appropriate should be referred to the CPS, but that is a matter for the police decision maker, not the first responder. If this is a perceived area of concern a dip sample of decision making can be undertaken jointly between the CPS and the Police. If there are lost opportunities for evidence-led prosecutions or other identified training
needs these can be addressed on a multi-agency basis. If you are unsure or are concerned that guidance is not being followed, then please speak to your manager or contact your Domestic Abuse Regional Lead (police) or Area Violence Against Women and Girls coordinator (CPS). “
Anon
Not in the UK, but OP, please try reaching out to the prosecuting authority. I prosecuted DV cases for over a decade (in the US), and almost all DV cases are he-said-she-said — because they tend to occur behind closed doors. This in itself is not a bar to moving forward, especially in a jurisdiction that talks about evidence-led prosecutions (i.e. without victim cooperation – my particular specialty).
Anonymous
The turning around, trying to make people think *you* are abusive, the highs and lows in text etc – all of this is straight from the abuser’s manual. This is “normal” abuser behaviour and part of the abuse pattern, and not your fault. He is choosing to do this to abuse you, and knows he’s doing it.
Highly recommend reading The Gift of Fear.
JD
You probably know this, but bruises may show up at once. Make sure you document them with dated photos.
JD
May NOT. Typo
nuqotw
Keep up the good work! Can your IRL support person help you with the texts? Can your lawyer? (The latter is expensive but also your lawyer should know what to look for.)
Reader I am divorcing him
Fabulous idea, support person is also a lawyer. Will ask her.
Anon
Sending you good vibes and strength today, from one internet stranger to another.
Anon
This internet stranger is in your corner. If I were your IRL support person I would definitely go through the messages with/for you. And I would be even more disgusted by the nice ones because that’s how the bastard kept you trapped for so long.
Anon
Just to address the main pain point in what you’re currently having to do – go through the text messages – I think it is the case that domestic violence relationships / abusive relationships have, as part of them, sweet words and kind actions. That is part of what makes abusive relationships tick is this good/bad conflation. So when you see these messages you can acknowledge what they are AND their context in the relationship. Sending lots of warmth
Anon OP
Sending good vibes and strength to you. My abusive ex had lots of sweet moments and for a while going through our messages made me emotional. Now that I’m a couple years out, I can assure you I have never for a second regretted leaving him and if I ever look at our messages – which I never do – all I can think of is oh, that’s around the time he did XYZ to me. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
Anon OP
Sorry, I forgot to change my name but I’m not the OP for this thread obviously.
Anon
I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m rooting for you! Get that divorce and be free! My divorce was hard but was also one of the best things I have ever done.
anon
That sounds really tough, and I think you’ve probably done the hardest part (and really, I’m in awe). I’m glad you have real life support, and we are here thinking of you and sending good vibes. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Anonymous
Just a quick note of encouragement. There is life after this. I once dated someone who constantly yelled at me and once punched me in the mouth really hard and told me that I would grow old and alone with my cat. I swear, I can still feel that punch and it’s been 25 years since. I’m now married 19 years to a funny, kind man, I have loved every minute of being in my now-adult stepson’s life, I have really great friends and a thriving career (I’m a VP–I never would have believed it!), bought a home on my own, traveled a lot and went on to love that cat for many years (and the dogs I’ve had since). When you’re in it, it can feel so crushing and hard. But there is a whole life waiting for you on the other side. You deserve to be away from the crazy. Even if he never lays a hand again, you deserve better than to be around a hot head. I look back now and can’t believe that ever happened to me and I felt so guilty leaving at the time. You’ve done the hardest part. It will start getting easier and easier now. You matter and your long-term happiness matters, and don’t you forget it. Sending you all the encouragement and strength and looking forward to your update someday when you’re where I am–many, many happy years on the other side. You WILL get there. Just keep moving one foot in front of the other.
RiskedCredit
I’m so sorry this is happening but it’s for the best. I’m divorced two years now I rushed the process to escape him.
As you are in the UK i recommend going to women’s aid for help and your MP for prosecution.
I think legal aid still remains available if you are escaping domestic violence. Make sure you meet the qualifying criteria even if you have too much in assets to use it. My ex husband has terrorized me post divorce. The legal fees are killing me. It’s abusive use of conflict but no one wants to hear it, let alone actually facilitate doing something to stop him. I’m using my lawyer less and less because it’s such expensive help.
Anon
Any tips for looking polished in a casual work environment? I’m senior enough that I used to let the clothes do a lot of the lifting. Now, even getting clothes to fit a body constantly shifting through perimenopause is a big challenge. And the texture of my gray hair makes styling it a challenge. And some days my skin is in open revolt. I guess I can up my shoe game (within reason — my feet don’t like heels and IDK what shoes are even convey competence). I feel like a hot mess attempting office attire these days.
Anonymous
I’m guessing that you actually DO look fairly polished and well-kept, but that you FEEL like a hot mess and therefore it’s hard to see yourself objectively in this season.
The reason I say that: you’re used to wearing clothes that fit you easily and convey authority, having hair that’s well maintained and behaves, and having good skin. All of that = polished. Now clothes are fitting you differently, your hair is shifting texture, and your skin is changing. I’m guessing all these changes are SUPER obvious to you, but that you continue to look like your usual self to the people around you because you’re still doing your hair and paying attention to how your clothes fit.
I don’t know if that helps answer your question at all. For that, can you find some role models of women older than you who look the way you’d like to? It’s hard when all we have to compare ourselves to is our younger selves or younger women.
Anon
For me, feeling polished is all about my hair. (I’m also graying and understand the change in texture!) So I’d focus on that — maybe go to a salon and ask if they can do a clear gloss, and then condition the crap out of it.
As for clothes, see if you can simplify. A column of color or black will look more put together than various colors, I think, and there are all sorts of loafers and oxfords you can wear instead of heels.
Perimenopause skin and body changes — I wish I had advice. Just commiseration.
Housecounsel
Has anyone tried the Ouai hair gloss? I ordered it in hopes that I can skip some salon visits.
Anon
Ooh this looks promising. Also interested.
Anon
I have, and recommend it. I also really like their detox shampoo.
Anonymous
Good accessories and shoes (even nice flats) add polish.
anon
A luxury coat and bag and shoes work no matter your shape or size. Having your nails done works universally too.
I’m younger than you, but I find people respond really viscerally to expensive silk blouses. They don’t cling and work even on days when I feel puffy or uncomfortable. I wear them with a good pair of jeans for my casual workplace.
I have been known to give my face a hot towel treatment on really bad days. If I have the spare twenty minutes in the morning, I will microwave a washcloth I’ve wetted down and then lie with it on my face until it cools. I let my face air dry completely before applying my skincare and makeup. I have even done this in hotels on business travel.
Anon
Recommendations for stores where you buy nice silk blouses? It seems so hit or miss with the few I’ve bought.
Anonymous
Antonio Melani at Dillards; Elie Tahari; St. John.
Anon
I also like Vince Camuto, and find the cuts to be very perimenopause shape friendly without looking like a maternity top or a tent.
Anon
Emerson Fry and Alice and Olivia
anon
I was in Saks recently and Theory’s Silk Georgette Fitted Top was nice but not overly luxurious. Lafayette 148 also has some nice silk options. I also own multiple colors of the Orvis Everyday Silk Shirt but it is more casual and not quite as polished.
I wish I had more recommendations, but I usually just find one random blouse each season that happens to be 100% silk and is otherwise perfect. It seems to be a niche item for most brands.
Senior Attorney
Also Equipment is a great brand. They carry them at Nordstrom and also seem to be having a sale at equipment dot com right now.
smurf
Equipment
Anonymous
There was a thread a few weeks ago where people were talking about replacing things that were past their prime. I hate to say it because it’s neither thrifty nor environmentally friendly but wearing clothes and accessories that are in good shape is a huge part of looking polished. A slightly stretched out or faded piece of clothing seems like no big deal in your closet but looks shabbier when it’s on you. I’m all for buying quality clothes and taking good care of them but the line between “looks fine” and “looks polished” is about condition.
Anon
Yes. When trying to look more polished, I find that limiting to one “it’s in good enough condition” piece of clothing works best.
And jewelry. Jewelry helps a lot.
Anon
What specific jewelry are you meaning add “polish,” other than pearls or real, fine quality gems that aren’t that office appropriate? Specific brands to recommend?
Anon
In case you’re checking back, I always wear real, fine quality gems and gold to work. Nothing remotely inappropriate about it and it naturally adds a lot of polish.
Anonymous
That’s simply untrue, I think Ralph Lauren (the man) is a great example of this, lots of his everyday wear clothes have repairs and look chic.
Senior Attorney
Alas, I think the rules are different for men.
Anon
Agree, especially the fact that the stereotype “silver fox” even exists for older men but not for women.
Anon
That was not really his office look until he was “Ralph Lauren” and could wear a sack to the office.
Anonymous
Absolutely agree that this is a line, but I also think that high quality materials that are slightly worn look a lot more polished than pristine lower quality materials. I realise that makes me a snob, but I do think it’s true. A five year old wool suit can look a lot more polished than a five month poly suit.
A
I intentionally went grey during the pandemic when I was 46, I got a keratin treatment then. Now I have learned to maximise my gorgeous curls and waves with styling cream and gel. Makes a big diff.
I do t know your style or body shape but for me, hair and jewellery were key to feeling well groomed.
Anon
I’m a senior exec in a casual office and I just ignore the casual part, I don’t wear full suits or anything, but my overall look still lets the clothes do the lifting. I do light makeup but with lipstick (that’s the heavy lifter), polished hair, good jewelry. For shoes, LK Bennett makes some great pointed toe block heels right now that aren’t high at all, maybe 1.5 inches but add a ton of polish. I also do fashion sneakers. You gotta just try on pants, size up, get things tailored too.
Senior Attorney
+1,000 to getting things tailored. It makes a huge difference in how you look and how you feel.
Mule Deer
I had a minor breakdown last night trying to buy new work clothes for my perimenopause body. Everything is more expensive and worse quality! Dresses are very weird now! So fun.
I’m in a different boat as I recently moved from a very casual to a business casual office (jeans okay). I bought two pairs of dark wash, trouser style jeans that are quickly becoming workhorses. An oversized, gray plaid blazer looks great with them. I keep my blazer outfits more casual by doing a t-shirt underneath vs a shell.
I also got some wide-leg pants from Old Navy and they have little button tabs on the inside to adjust the fit. GODSEND. All pants makers should do this.
hollypolly
Where did you find dark wash trouser jeans????
Anon
Ooh, recs for the trouser jeans? I’m having a hard time finding good ones.
Mule Deer
I hope I’m using “trouser jeans” in the same way you guys are.
The “high rise heritage jeans” from Banana Republic Factory are unfortunately sold out now. These two are pretty close: https://tinyurl.com/4dcrnjt2 and https://tinyurl.com/3ujh886t
And I got the High-Waisted Wow Wide-Leg Jeans for Women from Old Navy in black. They are not as heavy as the BRF jeans but they’re holding up nicely.
PolyD
Tell me more about these adjustable pants at Old Navy, please!
Mule Deer
They are the Extra High Waisted Taylor Cargo Pants. I am wearing them today (second button lol).
Anon
I don’t think anything from Old Navy is the answer to how to look polished.
Anon
Truth.
Mule Deer
Okay!
anon
+1
And I do have Old Navy in my closet, but not for this…
Anon
I love some Old Navy casual wear but I agree.
Anonymous
I find a weekly hair mask helps. My current one is from Aveda; look for one without silicones. I also like the Bumble and Bumble leave in Don’t Blow It, I find it smoothing.
anon
Why without silicones? The hair gloss recommended up-thread has silicones.
Anonymous
Silicone products can be drying, not what you want for your greys.
Anonymous
If you can, keep regular manicure appointments. Sometimes, on my most down days, seeing my nails, shaped and polished, makes me feel like a professional even if I am not sure the rest of me is signaling that. reminds me, need to book an appointment now.
Anon
I need restaurant tips near Rue Cler in Paris. We like everything and are totally flexible on price.
Cat
are you thinking for a one-off lunch when you’re in the neighborhood, or dinner spots close to where you’re staying? We had a very pleasant rose-soaked lunch at Le Petit Cler but that’s been 6 years ago now. We also like Rick Steves for tie-breaking among a sea of similar-looking options causing decision paralysis.
As for dinners — this is not exactly helpful but if you find one neighborhood cafe you like (probably not on Rue Cler itself since it’s on the tourist circuit), just… go back. We did not learn this until our second visit to Paris when we were more relaxed and ended up going back to the same cafe 3x in a week.
Emma
Le Suffren – classic brasserie
L’Ami Jean – traditional French, friendly service
Les Ombres at Musee du Quai Branly – expensive, prix fixe menu, but the view is outstanding and the food is good.
Le Village (rue du Laos) – Nice brasserie popular with the locals.
Oui mon General – cute gastropub style, I really like the food.
Also, not restaurants but recommended in the area: Musee Rodin and gardens, shopping on rue du Commerce, Cafe Coutume for coffee, and walking around the Champ de Mars. Rue Cler has lots of cute food shops for picnics.
Anonymous
Arnaud Nicolas
Anonymous
Anyone ever get over the hump of eating out every/nearly every day and switching to bringing lunch to work/making more breakfast/coffee/dinner at home? I started traveling for work every few weeks in 2022, kept traveling even more in 2023 (every week I was gone, often unexpectedly, didn’t make sense to actually buy groceries as when I did cook, I typically wasted the food). I purposefully switched roles for 2024 and now I schedule one trip per month in advance… but I’m eating the same, picking up carryout, eating it for two meals, but spending a ton. I’m struggling to actually switch. Success stories?
Anon
I have to prep my lunch meals ahead of time or I won’t stick with it. I really dislike intentionally planning, purchasing, and portioning an entire week’s worth of lunches on the weekend, but find it much more doable to set aside a portion in a lunch container from dinner each evening so I can grab it from the fridge on my way out the next morning. And if there are no dinner leftovers to pack that is okay, I just need to force myself to make a sandwich or salad or whatever the night before.
Anon
Maybe use meal kits to bridge the gap?
nuqotw
Start small – maybe stock your workplace with easy filling snacks (dried fruit? nuts?) or not-quite-takeout convenient meals (Amy’s burritos?). I always have the idea that I should bring 5 sweet potatoes with me on Monday and nuke one each day for lunch, but it usually doesn’t happen.
Honestly though, I go through phases on this one. Sometimes I’m totally on top of shopping / prep / cooking / remembering to take the meal with me and sometimes I’m totally on the convenience train, most of the time I’m in the middle.
Anon
I hate cooking for myself but my primary motivation is to save money on lunches. I almost never eat lunch out. When I cook dinner, I make enough to have leftovers and I freeze individual portions of leftovers in tupperware. When I pack my lunch I pull one out of the freezer the night before and voila.
Anonymous
For me the key is making the at-home option more appealing and/or more convenient. With my own espresso machine and fancy beans I can make a better latte in less time than it takes me to stop at Starbucks. In retrospect I might have gone for a Nespresso to make it even easier and less messy. Bagged salad + avocado, precooked chicken from the prepared foods section, hard-boiled egg from the Dash cooker, etc. is easier than going out to spend $16 on a mediocre salad. Heating up homemade soup or a par-cooked homemade pizza from my freezer is easier and tastier than ordering crummy pizza from a chain.
For actual cooking I have moved from planning a whole week’s meals in advance and shopping once a week to shopping for a couple of days or even just one dinner at a time based on how I feel about cooking. So on Sunday if I feel like making a batch of lasagne for meal prep/freezing I just go out and buy all the ingredients and cook it right away. I will often decide at lunch time what I feel like having for dinner, then pop into the grocery store after work to pick up just those ingredients. Somehow it’s less of a chore to cook something I just thought of than something that is waiting for me in the fridge. Less of a sense of obligation.
For breakfasts, I like to make a batch of superhero muffins, breakfast cookies, or Cookie and Kate healthy muffins and freeze them. I defrost a muffin in the microwave and then might split and toast it. As soon as I buy fruit, I wash it and cut it up and portion it into individual containers. In the winter sometimes I make a microwave egg scramble with a toaster hash brown on the side. If you like smoothies, buy the individual fruit packs or portion them out yourself to avoid having to measure fruit in the morning.
Anonymous
For lunch, I throw a bunch of lunch-type foods into a sack and take the whole thing to work (we have plenty of fridge space): salad greens, some vegetables, a few apples, some cheese, nuts, turkey/tuna, etc. I know that I can put together a salad or lunch plate or sandwich from what’s there, and I eat my way through it during the week.
I eat the same thing for breakfast every day so I never have to prep or make decisions.
For dinner, can you break the restaurant take-out habit by buying the pre-prepped meals from your grocery store deli section, that you pull out of the fridge and cook? That could be a stepping stone to more kinds of home cooking.
Anon
I find making one meal on a Sunday night that carries me through Wednesday is a really good start when i need a reset. I also find that I negotiate with myself – if I eat at home Mon-Wed, I know take out is waiting for me on Thursday, for example.
And, pay attention to those delivery cost if you’re having it delivered. I swear the pricing on DoorDash and others has gone through the roof, and not just fees. Menu items were always marked up but they seem extra bananas as of late, so that’s incentivized me to only do carry-out, which means I order less because if I’m already home, I’m not wanting to go back out.
Anonymous
Yes. I now bring lunch 3 days a week (my whole practice group goes and grabs lunch every day, so the walks to get lunch are an impotent part of my job from a social/ mentoring/knowing what’s going on perspective).
I have to do it the night before, there’s just no time in the mornings. More importantly, I had to have a “come to Jesus” talk with myself about what I would actually eat if I brought it to work. I dislike using a shared microwave, so if I’m going to have a hot lunch, I need to bring it in a thermos (the microwave thing is just a quirk I have). Also, I am just not going to eat a salad for lunch that I’ve brought from home unless it the middle of the summer. I will, however, eat carrot sticks, sliced bell peppers, and cucumbers any time of year, so I chop up lots of those to bring in as my veggie for lunch, which usually just ends up being some sort of grain and protein (grilled chicken and couscous are a favorite for me). I guess it is meal prepping, but chopping up a few veggies for the week and cooking a batch of couscous in the rice cooker on a weekend doesn’t seem as daunting to me as making entire meals.
Anon
I went with a harm reduction approach – e.g., I gave up on the goal of cooking all meals and congratulated myself on better choices. So, I bought a few days worth of premade lunches from the grocery store (cheaper than takeaway), cooked dinner on the weekend to have left overs for the beginning of the week and then didn’t sweat going out on Thursday/Friday. The other thing I discovered was with less travel/work, I had more time to do stuff in the evening, and that (gym, etc.) still took the time away from cooking.
anon
+1 This is the way. The soups in the refrigerated section are healthy enough if you read the labels and take two minutes to heat in the microwave. Premade salads are just as leafy as what I prepare, and usually a little more filling. I don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
Anon100
This is a really good way to ease into bringing your own lunch! I ate a lot of pre-packaged meals from the supermarket pre-pandemic, and even today I won’t turn away a pre-packaged meal from Trader Joe’s for a quick tasty lunch. In the past, I’ve partially pre-heated the microwave meals at home, and then brought it in t finish heating in the office microwave.
I figured out which microwave meals I liked the best, then looked up recipes to try cooking them from scratch.
emeralds
This is what I was going to say…going from eating all meats out to cooking/prepping all meals isn’t realistic. I’d pick one thing to focus on shifting at a time, and avoid letting the perfect become the enemy of the one notch better than you’re doing right now.
Doodles
My lunches are mostly prepackaged wraps and salads from trader joe’s. They’re at the end of the veggies aisle at my trader’s. Not frozen. Still healthier than going out to lunch and cheaper too. I buy 3 every weekend for my 3 in-office days. I then add a yogurt or a packet of nuts. All from TJs. Done.
Anon
For me, I have to sit down Sunday morning and plan out my grocery list and some meals, go shopping, and prep 2-3 things to start the week. On Sundays I usually make a big pot of steel-cut oats for breakfast, a soup or salad to bring for lunches, and a large dish that will have leftovers to eat on Sunday. I then have a plan for another dinner to make on Monday evening, leftovers Tuesday and Wednesday, and another meal that I cook on Thursday (and another pot of oats). For the Thursday meal, I try to pick something made largely with items that keep well, so if my week gets derailed, food doesn’t spoil. I also keep a few things that I can bring for an easy lunches if my soup or salad runs out mid-week (like yogurts, crackers, cheese). For Friday/Saturday, I tend to eat out or use up leftovers and random pantry odds and ends, or have cheese and crackers, or if I feel like cooking, pick up a few things. I also get lots of fruit to have as snacks and dessert.
I adjust this plan for what my week ahead looks like. But I know that if I try to plan on cooking every night, I will fail. I just don’t like cooking that much, and I don’t mind eating the same thing for a few days.
Anon
My kids were close with their older relatives pre-COVID and some health challenges. Now, grandparents are old and isolated now that one has terminal cancer and the other has gone off of the deep end of the internet (former Reagan Democrat who felt the Cold War now rides with Russia in its invasion of Ukraine and KNOWS that the detained WSJ reporter is a spy, etc). One teen kid is now a straight from central casting social justice warrior (admirable in theory when kid isn’t being insufferably rude and judgmental). We will be visiting over spring break for possibly a final time with the one grandparent (her wish) and I just fear that it will go catastrophically sideways. We aren’t staying with them. I usually never feed the trolls but I’m dealing with two sets of people who have limited judgment and no filters. Advice? For this time and likely funeral, helping after, etc.
anon
I feel like it’s more on the teen to chill than the grandparent, and your role as the parent to do some expectation/rule setting with consequences. Can you agree with teen that grandparent’s views are out there, but then explain (and model real time) that you don’t challenge grandparent’s every comment because keeping the peace sometimes is the best outcome, especially when it’s end of life/possible last visit stuff, so teen needs to find it within theirself to do the same no matter what?
Anonymous
+1. Don’t engage on the crazy. Try to divert to neutral subjects by asking the relative to tell stories about their younger days. E.g., my dad was easily diverted to talking about travel.
JD
Remind the teen that this is the time to collect stories and know the person. As people get older, they’re not always their best selves at the end, but this is the chance to know something of them. For yourself, record a few stories! It’s priceless to have their voices.
Anon
Yeah, I agree that this is an important parenting moment about teaching your kid not to be a d!ck.
Anon
I would suggest a discussion ahead of time with your kids (and yourself!) and each of you coming up with one neutral sentence that can be repeated as often as necessary. Perhaps something like: “I do not agree with your opinions on this and don’t wish to have a disagreement. Let’s change the topic to something more pleasant.” Wash, rinse, repeat.
Anonymous
I would not do this. Hearing something like that coming from a teen (or even you) is likely to turn the visit south really fast. Frankly, if a teen said that to me, I’d find it unbelievably rude. Given the circumstances (not going to change hearts and minds and trying to make a last visit pleasant), I would simply change the topic without announcing I was doing so. I also would prep teen on not the time or place to try to change someone’s views, even if those views are completely bananas. Sometimes you let people rant just to pass time because you respect who they are even if you don’t respect what they think. That’s not a bad skill to know—there’s a time and place for debate and this isn’t it, especially with an elder whose views frankly don’t mean much to the world at large. Hurting someone’s feelings (grandparent and you) shouldn’t outweigh the desire to feel right (even if you are) in this circumstance. Prepping teen with this expectation in advance will hopefully help.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. I think you can explain to your teen that although their SJW impulses to call everybody out at all times are generally admirable, in this specific situation their job is to be there for their (once?) beloved grandparent and make this time as easy as possible for you and the grandparent and the rest of the family. That’s just part of being a decent human being.
And honestly if the teen can’t behave themself at the funeral, I’d give them a pass.
Anonymous
A way to frame this is by reminding the teen that the overall goal of social justice and everything else is to increase love and respect for individuals in the world. Being nasty to an elder whose mental faculties are probably in decline does not further that goal.
JD
Also, it’s time for the teen to learn that calling people out can be important in situations where someone else is being actively affected (like someone being impacted in a workplace). Calling people out rarely changes someone’s mind; walls go up, especially coming from a teen to a grandparent without any finesse. If they really want to influence people in their lives, they have to be more choosy in their approach.
Anonymous
I don’t find calling everyone out at all times generally admirable though. There’s a time and a place for everything, and people including teens need to learn how to have non-confrontational interactions with all types of people.
Senior Attorney
Not to be defensive, but I meant to say the impulses are admirable but acting on them often is not. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.
Anon
Q: do you think saying “we disagree, so let’s change the subject” is calling someone out?
Anonymous
I think that this strikes the right balance. I understand that teenagers can be overzealous and that there are definitely situations where it’s important to prioritize keeping the peace. At the same time, I don’t think it’s constructive to tell a kid that there’s simply no point to changing the views of their elders, or that you should just nod along to whatever is said in their presence. My grandparents used to say some pretty homophobic and racist things, both before and during their final decline. As a kid, I really looked up to my father for finding ways to note his disagreement with those views without causing conflict and for making me feel free to respond similarly, so long as I was polite about it.
Anoon
Same. I remember the first time I ever saw my dad stand up to my horribly abusive grandfather, and say to him simply that he couldnt talk to us like that, and standing up and leading us out of the room. It was extremely hard for him and to be honest, the relationship with those grandparents never recovered (but arguably, there was little worth saving). There were so many times he just let the verbal barbs wash over him, assuming it was washing over us as well. It was not washing over; I had to unlearn the lesson that you don’t talk back to your elders. You do, sometimes, when you finally get the courage.
NaoNao
When I was a pre-teen I completed a project through American Girl Dolls that had the kid filling out an oral history basically. My father told me a story of how my great-grandmother was in pain and grumpy, giving one word answers until we got to “tell me about your favorite toy” and she lit up and started telling stories. Perhaps a similar focus or project “let’s capture memories”: keeps it positive, keeps it focused on the purpose of the event, and you can redirect when needed “Hmm interesting. Okay, well anyhoo, you were saying about your first house?”
Maybe ask Grandparent to get out albums and go through them or something?
But also you can teach Kid some easy yet graceful one liners “Well, I don’t agree, but I don’t want to argue with you” “Hm. That’s not been my experience/that’s not what I’ve learned, but let’s talk about something else.”
Good luck, it’s tough.
Vicky Austin
This is absolutely wonderful advice.
Anonymous
Calling your kid insufferably rude and judgemental, presumably for being anti-racism and pro democracy, Sheesh.
Anon
There is a learning curve on how to express one’s opinions, though, and oftentimes teens are not far along that curve. For example, I had a friend’s teenager chastise me about being “racist” toward their cat. She was not joking. I just chuckled about the whole thing and moved on with my life, knowing that it’s normal for teens to be awkward about these kinds of issues, but to some people, that interaction would have been insufferably rude and judgmental.
Anon
My SJW teen lectured a neighbor who runs our city’s cotillion group. It says cotillion, but it is an all-comers volunteer junior manners class that culminates in a fancy sit-down dinner where kids have to use cutlery and eat on china, things many of them don’t get at home (even fancy homes with silver and china). It is intended and is a democratizing force to help kids get ready for the work world. That lady needed a medal and not a lecture.
also anon
I really appreciate framing this as a “learning curve.” I was an insufferable kid with strong beliefs and I cringe at how I handled some things. It’s helpful to think of this as a “learning curve.” I learned and similar kids I know are also learning.
Vicky Austin
You know full well that’s not the calculus at play here.
Anon
Haha I am a mom of Gen Z kids. They can absolutely be insufferable, rude know-it-alls even when they’re on the right side of an argument.
Learning tact and diplomacy is part of growing up. “Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
Diplomacy is how you actually win people over to your side. Not obnoxiousness.
also anon
Great framing that made me laugh out loud!
Anonymous
I was your kids in this scenario- my grandfather was a WW2 vet and as he got sicker, his mental filter eroded and the stuff that came out of his mouth was tough for me, a pretty liberal teen, to hear. I wish my mom had said something to me, but she never did. In hindsight, I wish my parents would have taken me aside and explained that Grandpa isn’t himself, when you age you lose your ability to think critically about issues, and please just don’t engage with him. Essentially, tell me to be the adult in the room. Heck, offer up tips like Buzzword Bingo. If your kid is 17 and not 12 that’s a just fine way to approach family engagements. My 10 year old already thinks my mother is nutty (this is true) so we play silly games like “what crazy item will Grammy gift us this time?!” (last time, it was a used glow in the dark cat t-shirt in a size Adult L for my Child Size 10 year old who does not like cats).
Anon
Explain to your teen that their grandparent has had some degree of cognitive decline and rather than arguing, they need to change the topic. They may be more flexible if they see their grandparent as having a medical issue, almost a disability if you will.
Anon
I like this.
anon
I’d have a talk with the teen that the relative is bonkers, but very old and beyond change. If the teen has lots of warm memories, tell them they can try to bond over non-charged topics. But, I’d also give the teen an out (perhaps they can state they have studying to do back at the hotel if relative gets to be too much).
I have bonkers relatives who say awful things and are beyond my help. I minimize time with the ones who are always bringing the conversation around to an opportunity to say something awful. It’s better not to spend time with them and maybe preserve a shred of a warm memory. And, there’s only so much awfulness one can tolerate before speaking up forcefully.
Anonymous
Bonkers is a tough word, I really suggest explaining cognitive decline — it’s going to happen to most of us. My mom can say some inappropriate things, and we explain to the kids that actually, she is much better than she was when we were young. So, she has changed and grown. But, she’s in her late 80s now, and the past 5-8 years have passed her by, she just doesn’t have the mental acuity to absorb a lot of things any more. The older kids really had to think about that some things used to be worse (I can’t even repeat some of what we heard), and that this is a journey. I think once they took it on board, it made the kids more thoughtful. Now, someone might say to her that people don’t say that any more, but it’s done in a kind way.
Anonymous
There’s a book you can buy that has lots of prompts for memory chats with older people to capture stories etc. I would pick up something like that.
Chats about their childhood pets, favorite toys or games or who their best childhood friend was etc are all fairly neutral.
Anonymous
does anyone like cooking/baking? Making or even just recording family recipes together can be fun.
Nesprin
The best thing you can do is give your kid an out- it’ll be easier for the kid to not be insufferably rude and judgemental if she can leave when grandparent inevitably says something.
So give your kid a code word so you can send them to run an errand (i.e. go buy the one carrot we need for dinner, or get coffee, or go to the post office), or go into a different room or back to the hotel.
Low stress things to do together vs. “chatting” also help- set up a jigsaw puzzle or a movie or a crossword or a cookie baking thing etc. It’s important that kid be able to join in or fade out depending on their tolerance- being stuck at a thing together where no one can leave (e.g. not the right time to try an escape room) would be the worst possible case.
Anon
Maybe you kids can play Margaret Mead/play anthropologist with the grandparents. Can they write down questions in advance and bring computer/pen & paper to write down the answers? It gives structure to the conversations, provides everyone something to do, captures family history for when the grandparents are gone and (drumroll) the golden rule for anthropologists is that we are collecting data, so we don’t talk back.
Anon
9 hour drive ahead. Audiobook / podcast recs??
Housecounsel
I just started a series called Three, about the murder of a teenager by two of her friends. Uplifting, I know, but it us riveting and goes into how the early days of social media played into the social dynamics. I also like Maintenance Phase and If Books Could Kill.
Anon
I started Three this morning and I’m riveted.
pink nails
Can you share the author?
anon
+1
Are this audiobooks or podcasts?
Anon
LMGTFY
Anon
Leslie Jones’ autobiography, Leslie Fking Jones. The audiobook is actually 16 hours, read by the author, and almost completely off script from the printed version.
Anon
Oh…and she does curse A LOT so pass if that’s not your thing.
Mule Deer
OMG that sounds amazing!
Anon
Thank you for making me aware of this!
Mule Deer
I am digging into the podcasts the Smithsonian puts out and so far so good! I also like Detours, the podcast for Antiques Roadshow.
Other random recs:
– Ologies – interviews with different scientists
– Noble Blood and You’re Dead to Me – murders and scandals throughout history
– My all-time favorite, Criminal, and This Is Love by the same people.
Vicky Austin
I love Noble Blood! Thanks for the YDtM rec, that sounds good!
Anon
The Feather Thief or The Art Thief for audiobook recs! They’re both engrossing true stories that don’t involve murder or other grisly crimes. Lots of quirky details that kept me entertained.
For podcasts, I like Normal Gossip. Start with Grandma’s Friend Dot.
Anonymous
Love love love Normal Gossip!
Senior Attorney
I love in the Dark. The first two seasons were both just riveting (true crime) and I haven’t started the third season (The Runaway Princesses about the Saudi royals) but I’m sure it’s just as good.
Senior Attorney
Ugh. In mod but try In the Dark podcast.
txanon
I’m late here but I just listened to all of Outwitting History by Aaron Lansky last week. It’s the story of the how a college student decided to save yiddish books one summer and ended up dedicating his life to it, including founding the National Yiddish Book Center. It’s very fun and interesting
Anan
I just finished 10 Things that Never Happened by Alexis Hall, read by Will Watt- rom com amnesia plot only the guy is only pretending to have amnesia. I thought it was wonderful- it was like your favorite Richard Curtis movie but in audio form.
Anon
Thanks to the person who recommended the retirement Answer Man podcast. It’s a lot to think about and they are all friendly and great.
Anon
I missed the previous recommendation but just listened to a few minutes of a recent episode. I think it will be a winner for me too!
JTM
Recommendations on plus size resort wear brands? My birthday trip this year is a Virgin Voyages cruise visiting the French coast, Barcelona & Ibiza, and I’d love to get some new things for the trip.
Anon
No advice but what a fab trip! Have a blast.
Anonymous
Check RTR! I’m size 16/18 and fit into Lily. Haven’t bought Trina Turk but I think they have an XL. Check anthro too. Otherwise Athleta/Old Navy for linen pants, float dresses, colorful tops, etc? Have the best time!
Moose
Eloquii can be great for fun/colorful/S3xy plus stuff
anon
Check out Ulla Popken, JunoActive, J Jill, or Lands’ End. Eileen Fisher is already featuring all their linen for the year, too.
Anon
Marina Rinaldi has a resort wear line if you want to $$. Expect bold prints and flowing shapes.
Anon
Not either of the blog’s authors, but check out ‘With wonder and whimsy’ who has several outfit info pages from travel to Hawaii and other destinations and check out ‘Alexa Webb’ for holiday/travel plus size ideas. Have fun!
Personal experience brands include: Lane Bryant,Torrid, Maurices, and some Old Navy.
Anon
What is everyone doing for the eclipse?
Anon
I live in the Indianapolis area, so we’re in the path of totality. We have lots of out of town family coming for it and will see them the weekend before. On the actual eclipse day I’ll be taking a Girl Scout troop including my daughter to a Girl Scout camp for space-themed activities and eclipse viewing. My extended family members are serious eclipse chasers so they will be tracking weather and going wherever has the least cloud coverage.
Anon
Oh and our public schools closed for this – although I would pulled my kid anyway.
Anon
I will be watching from my driveway. I’m in the path of totality, and people are saying (?) our state’s population will increase by 50% for the eclipse. I’m not sure I believe it! But my work has already said essential personnel only in the office that day, so I’ll be working from home and will wander out to watch. My in-laws already got us some of the eclipse glasses.
DC Pandas
I’m heading to Vermont! Figured it would be a good excuse to explore and if we get to see totality, even better.
Moose
Taking the day off and going to our science museum’s eclipse event with my space nerd husband and a couple friends.
Anonymous
In-laws live in the path of totality so we’re heading out there (with grandkids). Kids will miss 2 days of school but it’s going f to be an incredible experience. I remember seeing the 1984 eclipse in kindergarten so there is a lot of nostalgia with this for me
Anonymous
I might have a few free hours in downtown Boston on a work trip. What should I do? I have only been to Boston once before and the only thing I had time for that trip was the Museum of Fine Arts. Like art & history, won’t have a car.
Anon
The answer is the Freedom Trail and the public garden.
Anon
I would go to the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum.
Anon
+1
Anon
Yes, I went to Boston years ago and loved it.
Anon
+1
anon
+1
Have a light lunch at their cafe, walk around the lovely house/museum, sit in the central (indoor!) garden and read or listen to the podcast “Last Seen” about the Isabella Stewart Gardner heist….
Anon
Beacon Hill Books is the most charming bookstore with an in-house restaurant/cafe that’s so charming. I’d go there and pop into the nearby antique stores after.
Anon
PS – I’d just Uber to this, Beacon Hill is my favorite part of Boston and easy to get to with a few hours of free time.
Panda Bear
The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum is beautiful. It’s right near the MFA and accessible by the green E line, though not super close to downtown.
joan wilder
Boston is small and easy to get around. You could see some of the freedom trail sights, or got o the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum. I enjoy a walk around Boston Common too.
Anon
You 100% do not need a car for downtown Boston. Take the T or walk. Do the Freedom Trail. Or my personal favorite, go to the North End and get Italian to eat and get cannoli from Mike’s Pastry or Modern Pastry. The Paul Revere House is in the North End too if you wanted to get a little history with your food!
Anonymous
Aquarium!!
Anon
We always talk about women and alcohol, especially around pregnancy, but there’s a new study out of Texas A&M University showing that men drinking alcohol prior to conception actually has a stronger effect on the development of fetal alcohol syndrome compared to when women drink. I’m reading the book Invisible Women right now (which is fantastic, by the way) about male biases in our societal design and research and how failing to consider both sexes leads to massive data gaps. This could be a new book chapter – it’s an animal study but this could be the start of actually studying male exposures and not always blaming the woman.
Anon
Link: https://today.tamu.edu/2023/04/12/fathers-alcohol-consumption-before-conception-linked-to-brain-and-facial-defects-in-offspring/
And excerpt: “When doctors suspect a child has FAS, they sit down with the mother to confirm the diagnosis by discussing her drinking habits during pregnancy,” Golding said. “It’s not uncommon for the mother to deny consuming alcohol while pregnant. When they do, there’s this stigma or this notion that women are lying about their alcohol use.”
Anonymous
Having worked in child protection, the sad reality is a lot of women do lie about it.
When I worked in child protection we had many records of women showing up drunk to supervised visitation more than once while pregnant with their next child and when that child was born with FASD they would deny drinking to the evaluating doctor.
It’s not a popular opinion but I often wondering if the higher rates of autism in wealthy white women are actually undiagnosed FASD cases. Not all FASD kids have the typical facial presentation.
I think there’s too much paranoia about a sip of wine here or there but also a lot of pressure to be like ‘it’s fine’, and then not enough looking into the role of men.
Anon
I wonder this too – and also whether it’s a contributor to rising rates of ADHD. Although I’m actually suspecting that it’s the male contribution more than the female.
Anon
Way to miss the point.
OP: research show that it’s not just the mothers’ fault
You: yeah, but women are liars, and it’s their fault
Anonymous
reading comprehension fail? I said that’s it’s clear men have a role but in my direct personal experience women frequently lie about how much they have been drinking pregnancy.
Sorry not sorry that 20 years of trying to make family reunifications work with moms who won’t let their kids be treated for FASD even though their drinking and FASD is documented isn’t enough for you. Enjoy your whataboutism to justify wine mom culture.
Anon
Shocking. (That was sarcasm.)
For a long time, people only talked about maternal age as a factor in genetic abnormalities; they are finally figuring out that old dudes don’t produce impeccable gametes. It also turns out that people tend to marry someone who is close to them in age, so a 42 year old woman is probably married to a man who is late thirties on up, and, shocking, that’s also a factor.
What infuriates me is that if you are actually thinking about this all systematically, you might bother investigating the relationship between father’s age and health and the kid’s long term prospects. But that’s too much to ask because sexism is based in science amirite?
(Sorry….)
Anonymous
Interesting. Why do I suspect that no one is going to criticize “daddy beer culture?”
Anon
True, but this new “less drinking/nonalcoholic beer” trend we’re seeing is sweeping up men and women alike. My husband, for example, has done dry January the last few years, and has been drinking nonalcoholic beer while I’m pregnant because it’s “not fun to drink alone.” Many of his friends are similar, and they used to have a lot of beer
joan wilder
I just finished Invisible Women and it took me a year because I kept getting so angry I had to put it down.
lalall
Me too – I got so mad at times, I had to put the book down and rant at my SO
A
There’s been data about the danger of men drinking too much before conception for a while — I read it before TTC but it’s maddening that it’s not part of the social message generally.
anon
I had no idea that there was already research on this. It’s maddening that there’s so much policing of women’s bodies and blaming of women, but not even guidance to men.
Anon
I agree completely. My husband decided to stop drinking a few months before we wanted to TTC and also found it maddening how much pressure was being put on me to be perfect while he could barely find anything about alcohol use in men.
Anon
There are risks to paternal MJ use too (that nobody wants to hear about).
Anon
Late, but want to chime in that in Russia in the 90s the rates of alcoholism were extremely high and staggeringly different between men and women (five to eight times higher in men, and over 50% of adult deaths before 54 attributed to alcohol). There was a concept of “drunk fertilization” that was understood to be a drunk man empregnating his partner. This was a time when birth control was iffy as everything was hard to get and abortions had a good chance of crippling people, as did other routine procedures like root canals (I have an appendectomy scar from 1991 that took literal years to heal and every dr in the US has marveled at it). Children exhibiting poor emotional control and violence, poor judgement and learning difficulties were labeled as products of “drunk fertilization”. It was a street insult but also used in academic setting. We had classes full of children labeled as such. Merits of labeling all divergent children this way aside, it was well understood to be the father’s fault. The mothers were given sympathy, support, and offered a choice to leave their kids at after school programs like shop and boxing.
Anonymous
Wait so men’s drinking affects their sperm and affects the embryo? I always thought it was a developmental thing, like an otherwise perfect baby was damaged in utero by mama drinking. Are there DNA markers? I’ll have to read the study.
I always followed “drink til it’s pink” but for my second I got wasted the day before it turned pink and have always felt guilty. (We were sort of TTC but I was shocked when I found out because the timing was off with my fertile days.) any way, that child is autistic so I always wonder if that contributed. Yay guilt.
Anon
It’s almost certainly not your fault – autism is a complex genetic disease with dozens (maybe hundreds) of genes contributing. I don’t think one day of getting wasted would be enough of a risk factor. That sucks to feel that way, though, and I’m sorry.
That said, “drink until it’s pink” isn’t good advice. There are all these weird myths out there that “you’re not sharing a bloodstream yet and it doesn’t matter,” but if that were true, then we wouldn’t have massive amounts of research showing that consumption of folate/folic acid prevents neural tube defects. The neural tube closes (i.e., is done initially developing) at just week 4, which is the exact moment most women can first “see the pink line.” If mom’s diet affects the neural tube in weeks 2-4, then there is no reason that other consumption (alcohol, drugs) would magically have no impact.
Anon
The recommendation on folic acid is to take it starting at three months before TTC and counting up through at least week 12 of pregnancy.
And understanding is that the neural tube closes 24 days post fertilisation, not 24 days after LMP.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4486472
Anon
I went to my obgyn when (surprise!) I figured out I was pregnant with my son. My husband and I had split a bottle of champagne to celebrate my negative breast biopsy results on possibly the night I got pregnant. I was teary eyed telling her about it. She said “a bottle of champagne is how lots of babies come into this world.”
KS IT Chick
Birthday dinner out next week. We chose a local restaurant that has a slightly funky vibe (kombucha on tap, patio service that includes a large friendly dog). I’m trying to figure out what to wear. If we were going to the wine bar, I would wear my new silk shirt and a long black skirt.
I’m not someone who has a funky look. I need ideas on what I can do to get more of that vibe for dinner. (If it matters, I’m turning 52 and I am 5’3”. I describe myself as being built like a tree stump.)
Anon
Girl, it is your birthday! Who cares what the restaurant’s vibe is, wear something fun and fabulous! This is the time for those party items in your closet to come out and play.
Anonymous
Pair the silk shirt with jeans or cargoes
Anonm
You’re in your fifties. Where whatever you want!
Anon
I don’t know if this is a compliment or an insult. Why can we finally wear what we want in our 50s? Signed, a woman in her 50s who still thinks about her outfit choices.
Anon
You should know what you like and you should not GAF about what anybody else thinks about your clothes.
Anon
You’re in your fifties. Wear whatever you want!
Anon
Do you love your new silk shirt? Rock it!! You could wear it with the skirt you have or with jeans and some funky shoes. Personally I’d wear my gold converse, but if you’re more into heels, get some chunky ones in a fun color that looks good with the shirt.
Anon
Wear the silk shirt and skirt.
Vicky Austin
Wear the new silk shirt!
A practical caveat: maybe don’t wear a black skirt if the dog is a pale color and will get hair all over it. Or do, because who cares!
Anonymous
Wear your outfit with a fabulous new lipstick or pair of shoes or great earrings or whatever your vibe is. Happy birthday.
Anon
Agree with this. Maybe add a splash of a color you love to your otherwise classic outfit. It’s your birthday, OP! Happy birthday! Enjoy!
Cash Stash
Am I the jerk?
TLDR: I have financially supported my spouse during several years of their un/underemployment, including giving them full access to a credit card that I pay. I recently confronted them because they took cash from my “cash stash” several times without telling me. I am hurt at the lying/sneaking much more than caring about the money, but some lingering stuff from my childhood around money being used as a means of control is now making me feel like I might be the jerk for being upset and bringing it up – am I?
The Context: Spouse was laid off in 2020. I’ve largely supported us financially since. This includes my spouse having full access to a credit card that I pay. I see the statements but have only ever asked about a handful of charges that I didn’t recognize to confirm they weren’t fraud.
I also keep some cash on hand for rare cash-only purchases or occasions – it’s an amount under 1k in small-ish bills. Spouse knows about my cash stash – I have offered it and they have also asked to use it on a couple of occasions. I’ve never, and would never, say no to spouse using the cash.
The Incident: Recently, I went to grab some cash and noticed that the stash was weirdly low. I mentioned it to spouse who was quiet at the time but a few days later admitted they had taken some cash for a one-time thing and were embarrassed to mention it to me. I said all was cool, no worries about the money, but they could have told me they needed cash and I wouldn’t have had an issue. I thought that was that.
Since then, I’ve noticed twice that more cash is gone from the stash. Again, I don’t care about the money but spouse hasn’t mentioned another need for cash or told me that they were taking from the stash. Taking more cash also doesn’t really line up with spouse’s original story about the one-time cash need.
I told spouse that the lying and sneaking around about the cash hurt me. I said I’d prefer he just take the rest of the cash that’s left to get through to the first pay check at the new career job they just started. I did say the sneaking felt like a slap in the face after the years of support (financial and otherwise) I’d given spouse without question. Spouse was very apologetic.
I grew up in a family dynamic where I felt the breadwinner used money as a means of control. I never wanted that dynamic in my relationship. The last few years have been hard with spouse’s unemployment of course. I feel like I’ve really tried to be supportive and also not put restraints around how spouse spends money – I’ve said what’s mine is ours and I’ve tried to mean it.
After sleeping on it, I feel gross and controlling for bringing up the cash. If I would have been fine with it if spouse just asked, then why do I care really? But taking the cash without even mentioning it, after I specifically said they could take it if they just told me, feels different.
Am I the jerk here?
Anon
No. You are overcompensating (that isn’t a bad thing!) for your upbringing.
Regarding the matter of being fine if he asked, so why do you care if he lied: consider how that applies to any situation that isn’t about money. “I would have been fine if he told me that he wants to see his college buddy for dinner, but I’m angry that he lied and said he was working late.”
See the problem?
Anonymous
You’re not the jerk. Spouse is using your past against you to make it seem like a completely reasonable request is controlling. I would move the stash cash elsewhere if you really feel you need it. And also look at if it’s necessary. I keep maybe $60 in various bills in my wallet at most but I know the USA uses cash more than other countries.
DH and I each make a six figure income but still check in with each other about purchases over $200 – it’s not about ‘approving’ -our pay cheques actually go into separate accounts and we have separate credit cards from pre-marriage like 10 yrs ago but we communicate a lot.
Anon
This doesn’t sound like a great situation. Are you sure you want to be in this relationship? He needs a job, clearly – 2020 was four years ago.
Anonymous
Good thing the post mentions that he just started a new career job and will get his first paycheck soon so OP doesn’t have to jump to divorce. RIF
Anon
Four years is a long, long time. I’m sympathetic to OP feeling like she’s had enough.
Anon
Yes. If they have to ask, then you’re controlling access. I say this as the spouse who was unemployed for a significant period after moving for my husband’s job. He never made me feel like I had to ask for money during that time. I obviously didn’t go overboard, but the understanding is that we are truly a team and that our money is our money. I have my own credit card, paid from the joint checking account so he doesn’t monitor my spending (and I don’t monitor his). If money is tight because you’re on one income, then you need to have a budget (we were fine because the move came with a big raise for him that made up for me not having a job for a while), but as long as you’re within that budget, you shouldn’t micromanage. I think you need to have a real conversation about the state of your finances and set out some clear guidelines.
Anon
I should also add, with sympathy to the poster below, being unemployed is awful and constantly applying for jobs and getting rejected is miserable. I am so, so glad that my husband didn’t make things worse by trying to control my access to money and making me feel guilty about how long it took to find a job. I’m sure he wasn’t happy about it, but trust me, it’s way worse to be the unemployed person than the spouse (we’ve gone both ways).
Anonymous
4 years is a very long time to be unemployed
Anon
I disagree. It’s not that the spouse is using the money. It’s the sneakiness. There wasn’t a heads up like “hey I had to had $100 today” but instead OP had to discover the money was just gone well after the fact. Sneakiness in a marriage or long term relationship is never ok.
OP is not being a jerk. She has been clear that the sneakiness is an issue.
Anon
I don’t know that I’d say jerk but this is a weird dynamic. I don’t understand separate finance couples, which it sounds like you usually are so that’s probably why this sounds bizarre to me and like you’re treating him as your child by letting him do things like have a credit card. My husband and I don’t “support each other,” we’re a team and our money is actually communal. Any cash lying around is whoever’s for the taking as needed. I know people have their reasons for their approaches, but maybe that’s what to look at along with spouse’s employment prospects and adjust for the reality of your situation.
Anonymous
+1 – you sound more like parent than team. In your mind are you “loaning” him the $ when you carry the weight, hoping he’ll make it up to you down the line?
Anon
I guess for me this depends on what the cash was for, and if you suspect he’s not being honest about that. If he took some money because he wanted to go play bridge and they only take cash at the bridge club, then it seems like you are overreacting. If he took the cash and says it was to buy video games and there are no new video games in the house and you think he may have spent it on a way he doesn’t want traced, then that seems like a different animal to me. My partner and I have a similar stash of much less than $1k, but each of us takes some out of it from time to time and we don’t report to each other when we do that. Just if it’s getting low, someone will replenish it.
At the root of it, it sounds like you are feeling slightly resentful (that may not be the right word) about the multi-year unemployment situation. Which is completely understandable! I’d maybe consider whether it’s really about the money part or something else.
Anonymous
I feel like I’m missing some context here.
My spouse and I have joint finances and in general are aligned on spending. We also have a cash stash. But it’s both of ours – we don’t ask before grabbing some cash, and if one of us grabs some and it seems low, we go to the ATM to replenish it. In your scenario I wouldn’t have cared that he took the money but would be annoyed he didn’t bother to go to the ATM to refill it.
I’m stuck on your anecdote because you seem mad he took the cash at all, and think he needed your permission, and I think you should dig into why you felt like he needed permission – are you uncomfortable because you have been forced into joint finances due to his lack of a job? are you unhappy that he has not found a job and so frustrated with your finances? are you not aligned on your budget/spending priorities? is he otherwise irresponsible with money? is that cash yours to use for some specific purpose and it prevented you from using it?
It sounds like you’d benefit from a conversation with him about money – budget, spending priorities, savings priorities, when you check in with the other person before spending (dollar limits, cash amounts, etc.).
anon
You know they are using the cash for something you wouldn’t find acceptable. Only you can guess what that is. Is it drugs? Alcohol? Gambling? Like, I have no idea, but you must. Follow that instinct and determine if whatever the thing is amounts to a problem for you.
NYCer
Yeah, I think this is probably the case. Otherwise, spouse would likely just use the credit card…
Anon
My mind immediately went to taking an affair partner out to fancy restaurants and maybe using cash to pay her back for a hotel.
Josie P
Yes.
Anonymous
I agree with the team idea above, but I also agree with this. If you don’t know what he’s using it for it’s an issue.
Anonymous
This is the issue. They have access to money on the credit card but they know that you know what that gets spent on. This is 100 being spent on something they don’t want you to know about.
anonshmanon
I wonder this also. If they keep cash around because it is needed occasionally, then it’s a practical matter to give your spouse at least a heads up that you are using up part of it (so it can be replenished). It’s not different from saying ‘by the way, I used up the milk this morning’. (OP framed it as asking, which I think veers more into controlling, but below she also clarified that this was a gift and she views it not as joint cash – probably there needs to be better communication here).
If you can work it out, this situation could be a blessing in disguise, because clearly the husband is spending on something that he prefers to not discuss with OP, and significant amounts of money, but you only found out about it because of the cash aspect.
This dynamic would concern me a lot. We don’t even need to agree on spending, since we don’t have fully combined finances, but it’s weird to intentionally hide that kind of thing from your spouse. Expecting honesty is not the same as being controlling, in my opinion. Once he has a regular paycheck again, and presumably his own credit card, he will be able to hide his spending from OP much more easily. I really hope they can communicate about it. Might be worth some counseling even.
Anon
No way, I think you’re right to be annoyed. What is he using the cash for? It makes me think he’s trying to hide something, so there may be something bigger going on than just taking the money.
Anon
You are not the jerk and I’d say you’ve got some serious problems in your marriage.
Anonymous
What? No you are not being a jerk! Your spouse took money without asking to spend on who knows what shady activity, that is unacceptable.
Cat
We’re a one-pot couple so like you, the cash is not the issue per se, but the lying is.
Anonymous
+1 – especially after you specifically told him you did not want him to do that without asking. This warrants further discussion at a minimum.
Anonymous
PS – but – does the spouse not have their own debit card/way to get cash – is the credit card you pay spouse’s only way to pay for things without asking you for money first? if so, that IS a weirdly controlling and problematic dynamic. Just because he has been unemployed doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to spend your joint money, assuming you actually believe it is joint money.
Anonymous
The credit card is spending joint money though?
Maybe it’s a millennial thing but I don’t know anyone who uses a debit card. Everyone I know well enough to chat finances with puts every thing (even coffee) on their preferred points/cash back card and the credit card deducts the full amount from their bank account every month so there’s no carrying a balance or paying interest.
Using a debit card or cash is such a waste – why miss out on points or cash back?
Anon
It’s very rare anymore that you actually need cash. The times I need cash recently are for small tips when traveling. I used to have to pay $5-10 door at certain local music venues but I saw recently they’ve added an iPad for paying the door with a card.
Spouse in OP’s story doesn’t sound like he’s swiping $5 here and there. It’s significant enough to upset OP, which means it’s something he doesn’t want to put on the credit card and have her see the charge for.
Sneaking around is never, never ok in a relationship.
Vicky Austin
No indeed. Spouse blatantly disregarded your wishes after having them outright explained to him, even though taking cash and not saying anything is already shady. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Anonymous
I suspect most of the people commenting will be solidly in your camp but i would say no, not the jerk but also, yes.
It seems contradictory to me to say that what’s mine is ours and then be upset about cash not being there. I suspect you are really upset about something else-the lack of transparency probably, or perhaps it’s an emergency fund and you don’t want to find out in an actual emergency that there is not $1K there (back to transparency), or perhaps you are wondering (as am I!) what spouse is doing that requires cash instead of the credit card. So, if you were just worried about cash being used, I would say, that’s not consistent with the mine is ours, but I think you are really concerned about one of the other three things-likely the last-so why not use your words and ask him about it? You shouldn’t have to bury your feeling just because money is involved.
Anon
My husband and I have a cash cache that we call the earthquake money (California life.) If one of us needs cash for something, we grab it, but that person is responsible for getting to the ATM to replace it. If I went to grab some cash and most of it was gone with no heads-up from my spouse, I’d be annoyed. And my husband would too. This is a communication and consideration issue.
Anon
To me it sounds like you are being weirdly controlling. Sometimes you need cash to pay for things. If you are concerned with how spouse is using the cash stash, then don’t have that much cash in the house. You don’t need $1000 in small bills on hand, you need $100-200 max. Does spouse have access to a joint bank account? Then they can withdraw as much cash as they need.
Anon
Disagree. I have just shy of a thousand dollars on hand. Many people recommend having $1,000 or so on hand in case of emergencies.
Anonymous
Yeah, but if it’s for emergencies then why is OP taking cash out of the stash herself regularly? The whole point of emergency cash is that you don’t use it for everyday purchases so it’s there when a natural disaster strikes. I think they are both buying p0t. Or maybe they are paying the babysitter under the table. Whatever it is, it’s fishy.
Anonymous
OP: so surprised and amused by the takes that the cash is sketchy! Not offended, also not American so I can buy pot on credit if I wanted lol. I use it for nothing more nefarious than paying for some exercise classes where cash is preferred and FB marketplace purchases – but point taken that my cash stash is weird!
Anonymous
Is paying a babysitter in cash “fishy”?
A thought
I used to think the same. Then I listened to Fani Willis and her father’s testimony about why they keep large amounts of cash on hand, and I realized that there were very good reasons for many people to want to keep large sums of cash on hand, and that I was pretty lucky (and pretty blind) to not have realized that until that moment.
Anonymous
If the spouse is spending hundreds of dollars with no accountability for joint money when why would she set him up with unlimited bank account access? So he can increase to spending thousands or tens of thousands with any communication? Sounds like he has a gambling addiction. Don’t fund it.
Anon
I was with you until your bizarre leap to gambling addiction. There is not nearly enough information here to make that assumption. You sound like you’re projecting.
Anonymous
What else is he spending the money on? If it was drugs then presumably she would have mentioned noticing him intoxicated and it is was an affair the she would have mentioned suspicions around that. Missing money is generally one of the 3 and gambling (whether online casino stuff or sports betting) seems most likely.
Anon
Hard disagree. We live in the US in 2024. (We actually live in an earthquake/fire zone.) Ever since November 2016, we have increased the amount of cash we keep in the house to several thousand dollars. Before that it was a couple thousand, mostly in small bills because after an earthquake, ATMs don’t work and stores can’t make change. Also, we’re Jewish and if we have to flee (we could choose either Canada or Mexico from our house) you want cash to encourage people to help you find a place to sleep and food to eat. It is completely reasonable to have this amount of cash on hand given today’s world.
Anon
My friends got completely ripped off buying food after a major earthquake. Nothing worked so cash prices were usurious. No change either. That won’t be me for the next big one.
Anon
+ everything Fani Willis’ dad said.
Anon
This is a hard situation. I think you need to be honest with yourself and take a hard look at how you want to handle your marital finances. Perhaps, there should be an agreement between yourself and your spouse that you will let each other know if you are spending over a certain amount of money or if you need to use the cash for anything. Otherwise, I do think there is an element of control when you say the cash is “ours,” but you want him to ask you before he uses it. The assumption there is that the money is yours to control, and you are allowing him to use the cash. Did you make it clear to him that you want to be informed about him taking cash? If you weren’t clear about that, I really don’t think you can be upset with him for taking additional cash if you are telling him that you consider the money to belong to both of you.
Anonymous
We have joint everything (and so did my parents), and I often keep $300-$400 in cash around the house, so it wouldn’t strike me as weird if he took cash. But I’d be pissed — but more like when he finishes all the mayo or something, doesn’t tell me, and then we don’t have mayo when I need it for a recipe or meal. I don’t think I’m an asshole then.
That said, it did stick out that you said “my cash.” So if you have separate finances that’s fine, but if you’re sharing everything then it seems like you’re being territorial.
Anonymous
OP here – thank you so much for all the perspectives. Some of the comments are so spot on about the underlying worries/dynamic that I teared up. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I do feel I was forced into something like joint finances due to the circumstances, and that perhaps I’ve not been fully honest with myself or my spouse about how OK I actually am with the situation.
Some follow up points for those who may be curious: we don’t have joint accounts; the cash in the stash was a gift to me from family which spouse knew – so more of a personal fun fund than emergency fund; spouse has just started a new (good!) job so I am hopeful for the future; and I will apologize for my part in this weird dynamic and start a major conversation about finances in our partnership.
Truly grateful for the honest feedback.
Anonymous
Don’t marry someone you don’t want to combine finances with. Marriage is a partnership and the formation of a family and household unit.
anonshmanon
eh. How to live their marriage is really up to the people in it. If you want to fully combine finances, or have an open marriage, or have 14 children, I wouldn’t do any of these, but as long as you and your partner are fully on board that’s your business.
Anon
This!
Anonymous
You can combine finances without having joint accounts if you are open with each other.
Anon
This plus a million. It’s just good financial sense. If your partner isn’t someone who can contribute to your joint financial life and isn’t someone you trust with money, don’t get married. Live together, garden, whatever, don’t financially entangle yourself.
Anon
That just, like, your opinion, man.
Come off your high horse. There is no one size fits all marriage.
anon
love the Dude reference!
Anonymous
This is weird and controlling. Why do you even have $1,000 in cash lying around the house in the first place? We keep some cash in our emergency kit and don’t touch it because we need it to be there if there’s a hurricane or other disaster and credit card machines go down. If you’re keeping that much money around on a regular basis for non-emergency purposes I assume you are regularly buying things that are illegal or at least illegal on the federal level so cash is required, such as certain plant substances. If that’s the case then are you seriously complaining that your spouse stole your d**g money? If so, you’ve got bigger problems.
If you have joint finances, then you and your husband should establish a budget and stick to it. Very often the less-employed spouse will actually be the one spending more money because they are handling the grocery shopping, household shopping, home maintenance, car repairs, etc. Don’t micromanage if he’s staying within budget. If the fact that he’s not bringing in an income is a problem, you need to decide together how he will fix that if he can’t get a normal job. Go work at the grocery store? Tutor? Etc.
Anonymous
OP here: The cash was a gift I received and it never occurred to me that it was weird to me to keep it as cash on hand rather than putting it in the bank but seems it is from the responses here!
Also kind of weird take on the assumption that it’s d**g money – it’s not but I’m also not American so “plant substances” could be bought on credit if I was so inclined.
Anon
My grandfather used to give each of us $500 to $1,000 every Christmas in cash, and I kept it in a jar as part emergency fund, part “I need cash for (random thing)” fund.
Just because other people don’t do it, doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
Anonymous
That’s the assumption because there’s nothing else you need cash to buy.
Anon
See above re fleeing unsafe places.
Anonymous
This blanket suggestion that the only thing you ever need/want cash for is drugs is so blinkered to me. I keep hundreds of dollars or more in cash to pay for a myriad of things on a regular basis. First and foremost, the small family-run cafeteria at my office complex is cash only. I pay my yard help in cash. I sometimes give neighbors in need cash (though I assume those saying this live where they never encounter anyone ‘in need’), I pay cash tips for personal care services, I pay friends in cash to split checks, I tip bartenders in cash, I drop cash in fundraising buckets at the theatre or museum. And sometimes I envelope budget for things like groceries and entertainment on a monthly basis. Some of you people are so rigid and judgmental based on very sheltered existences it is shocking.
Anon
Thank you for this. I use cash for a variety of things. We live in a nice but inexpensive complex; I’ve given the people downstairs cash at various points. Nice family, struggling to make ends meet, $40 or $60 from time to time does wonders for them.
Sometimes, I’ve encountered someone counting out change to fill their gas tank or pay for groceries, and giving them $10 or $20 is helpful.
I sometimes use cash in the church collection basket, especially if visiting a parish that isn’t my own.
I use cash instead of Zelle for things like splitting a restaurant bill. Sorry not sorry, I don’t like running every personal transaction through a third party.
My kid’s barber takes cash only.
I sometimes tip in cash; the waitstaff gets paid that day and doesn’t have to pay processing fees.
Babysitters and cat sitters get paid in cash.
I leave cash tips at places like the coffee shop.
I am not above putting crisp $100 bills into a card for someone’s wedding or graduation.
Anonymous
I do the same – but a cash gift or donation discretionary budget is very from what the OP’s dilemma is.
Anon
I have about $1000 in cash in a safe. I don’t use drugs. I barely drink. It’s there just in case.
Anonymous
That kind of cash stash never gets touched by either party unless it’s an emergency.
Anon
I find it annoying that there are so many commenters here that know EXACTLY how other people should live their lives.
We touch the cash in the safe all the time. There are times you’re running out the door and need some cash. Our deal is that if you use it, you get yourself to an ATM later and replace it.
Anonymous
Need it for what? It can ONLY be drugs! You should really find a dealer with Square or plan your buys better so you aren’t dipping into what should only be for emergencies!!
Anonymous
Your response in unhinged. There are many legitimate reasons to keep cash around like buying stuff on FB marketplace or concerts with cover charge.
anonshmanon
This is kind of a strong reaction. Weed is legal in half the country now.
Anon
Right, but many plant businesses only take cash, since as Anon at 12:16 points out, it is still illegal at the federal level, so credit card processors and many banks won’t touch the industry.
Anon
Laid off and not supporting your joint household since 2020 is a long, long time. I would have had a come to Jesus about this a long, long time ago. Of course you are resentful!
Anonymous
In my marriage, you would be the A-hole. However, you are not in my marriage where we operate with a “one pot” approach to finances. I am assuming that prior to your spouse’s unemployment you had completely separate finances?
What’s the long term plan for your family finances? Is this really about $100 missing from a pile of emergency cash, or is this about your spouse still being unemployed? Would your spouse taking $100 from a pile of cash be a problem if they were earning the same amount of money?
We have a pile of cash in the house and I try and let my husband when I take some, but only so we can replenish it (it’s our emergency grab-and-go money but sometimes I need cash and don’t have time to hit the bank.) We do have separate “fun money” bank accounts and I would feel really weird if Husband took money from mine without telling me…mainly because (1) he has his own and (2) we have plenty of cash in the bank, what’s he doing grabbing $50 from my personal $2500 account?
NaoNao
I think that you’re doing a tiny bit of mental gymnastics to avoid a very (rightly!) uncomfortable truth that the Spouse is acting very disrespectfully and it’s upsetting, and would have been a deal-breaker earlier on in dating. I think this is also to avoid a much darker question: is this cash expenditure for something that I REALLY don’t want to know about?
I would sit Spouse down and ask them for a solution. My husband has much more money than I and has a stash of cash he uses for fun money and I’ve had a .10 second thought “gee, I’m a little short, maybe I can sneak a 20…what am I thinking??! that’s a serious breach of trust!”
Like you said, it’s not the money. It’s the sneaky and let’s call it what it is: theft.
If this person is otherwise genuinely wonderful, I’d set aside like $500 or otherwise put them on an “allowance” that they can spend with no questions asked—perhaps the cc charge inquiries are bringing out the inner child in Spouse (which…sigh, but it could be a thing) and they just don’t want “Mom” knowing exactly how they spent $45 at Tim’s World of Arcade Toys or whatever.
But to be direct, you are absolutely not being a jerk, given this story!
Anonymous
Your spouse is stealing from you and lying about it. Why is your question how to be less judgmental and not how to get a divorce.
Anon
I was recently laid off. I feel so low about it. I’ll have these bursts of inspiration where I think, “You can do anything! The world is your oyster!” and pack my days with networking coffees and long workouts and museum visits… and then a day like today where I can barely get out of bed. I look at job listings until my eyes glaze over, but I don’t actually apply. I loved my job, and I’m still mourning the loss of the work, the people, and the culture. Feels like I’ll never find anything that good again.
It was a mass layoff; I know it had nothing to do with me, but I’m still questioning all my life’s decisions and feeling like I’ll never work again. Commiseration? Please tell me it gets better.
Anon
Been there, done that. My layoff is now just a part of my journey. You will work again. It does get better.
Anonymous
Hugs – layoffs will F you up for a long time. If you’re ok on $ you can wait for the perfect opportunity and networking (maybe recruiters too?) sounds better than blind applications. If you’re working with a tighter time frame maybe start thinking about consulting work you can do in the meantime?
Lexi
So sorry this happened to you. It sucks, period. And the ups and downs are normal, I also used to doubt myself including what I was doing with all the downtime, feeling like I should be learning a new language or how to play guitar.
One of the best things I did for myself was hiring a job coach. Yes, it cost money, but it was such a great investment. The job market is changing, hiring practices are changing, plus my coach had been a recruiter, so she was in touch with the job market in my area.
Hang in there!
Anonymous
First, you will need to wallow. Second, it will get better. And now, some stories!
I got a new boss and in one week, despite 5 years of consistently stellar performance reviews, I was laid off, while pregnant, and replaced by a mediocre white man was college buddies with my new boss. In order to make it above board, my role, VP, was eliminated and my replacement came in as a SVP. I was in complete shock, and from what I heard, so was the company- I had my former team and peers and calling me in tears, both sad I was leaving and fearful for their own jobs (“if you got laid off, nobody is safe!”). I had two members of the C-suite call me and said there was an entire meeting dedicated to what happened to me, with two people threating to quit over it. When push came to shove, my boss, the head of sales who had the big fat client lists and was just hired, got to make the final call so it was a done deal.
Anyway, i negotiated my severance (got 12 months instead of 6, plus my full bonus which would have been paid out a few months after I was laid off…being a pregnant woman replaced by a white man helps a lot; my lawyer was doing a happy dance). I did a contract job for a former colleague until I had my baby, then took a leisurely maternity leave of 6 months. Then I hung a shingle and started a consulting practice. That baby is almost 10 and while my pride was bruised for a long, long, time, I’ve been really happy about what that layoff enabled me to do.
Anon
Two sunscreen questions. First, does anyone know of a way to buy trial sizes of a bunch of different sunscreens to figure out what you like? Second, do you have a favorite everyday sunscreen with clean ingredients?
A.n.o.n.
I think i’ve seen minis of cosmetic/face sunscreen offered by sephora or ulta? If not sold as a set, I bet you could by several small sizes there.
I personally use ELF and like the primer/sunscreen combo
Anon
Every year around May, Sephora puts out a sun protection kit that benefits some skin cancer foundation. It is the perfect opportunity to try a bunch of mini sunscreens.
Meg
this! start checking later this month – I ordered mine last year on March 31, and I think they sell out quick.
Anon
The only way I’ve gotten samples is through my dermatologist. Maybe go to Sephora or Ulta and see if they can offer samples to purchase?
OOO
Sephora sells a sampler pack of sunscreens, called the Sun Safety Kit, each year. This year’s kit will come out in a couple weeks!
anon
yea this was a great deal
anonshmanon
Ooh, I hope someone puts a PSA in the comments when it comes out!
Anon
Sephora usually has a kit like this at the beginning of warm weather. It sells out quickly but I usually buy it immediately. It’s great for travel. I’ve found some sunscreens I really like this way.
Though I’m fully on the Asian sunscreen bandwagon now …
Anon
Where do you buy Asian sunscreen? I don’t trust Amazon with something so important. When I’ve ordered plain ol’ Neutrogena from Amazon the bottle looked sketchy but I wouldn’t know how to a spot a counterfeit Asian brand.
Anon
I buy from a place like Jolse or YesStyle.
anon
I like the Think brand (ThinkBaby, ThinkKid, ThinkSport, all the same). It’s pricey, but WF usually has a sale late spring/early summer. Vitacost’s house brand doesn’t feel as nice, but it’s a lot more affordable. I like buying a bunch of the stick ones for my kids, who like sticks and go through them quickly.
Anon
I like EltaMD. I haven’t thoroughly researched the ingredients, but it doesn’t feel greasy or smelly and is recommended by my derm
anon
+1
This is what my Derm recommended.
What surprises me is that it has a mix of chemical and physical blocking agents. And I thought for my rosacea/skin issues I was supposed to avoid chemical sunscreens. Yet, she said that their mix was good for me. ???
Anon
I’m so frustrated right now. I had a light week at work this week, so I reached out to two friends I haven’t seen in a while and scheduled drinks and a lunch. Each of them bailed, both on the day-of. I could have worked from home on those days but came in thinking I had plans near the office, and neither of them let me know until I texted to confirm the time and place. We all have kids but their reasons were not kid related and they picked the days/times.
I have several close friends I see all the time, but maintaining these more casual every-few-months friendships sometimes seems more trouble than it’s worth.
Anon
That is frustrating. I am usually the one in your shoes. Even if their excuses were’t kid-related, were they still legitimate? One of my friend’s excuses for bailing last minute was “I need to map out my kitchen Reno plan.” I eventually stopped reaching out. Another friend told me she is battling depression, so I am more understanding when she cancels last minute.
You can decide if you want to keep initiating plans with them, or if you want to wait for them to initiate. Either choice is fine, but with the latter there is a possibility they may not initiate.
Anon
Commiseration. Two close friends and I agreed on a time for a catch-up call that worked for all of us (hard to find these days) and then at the last minute, one of them said “can we start 30 minutes late.” I was annoyed but said OK. Then 20 minutes later, she bails completely. It was because she was at the park with her kid having fun, even though she had previously said she was “open the whole day” and clearly could have gone to the park anytime. To her credit, she apologized for flaking, but my other friend and I didn’t appreciate being strung along like that.
Anon
Life happens, you got out of the house, it’s worth the effort.
Anon
It’s OK to be annoyed when people flake. It’s annoying.
Anon
Disagree. This ain’t just life happens. If you need to cancel plans, you should try to do it with enough notice so that your friend can make alternative plans. Also, you should let your friend know you need to cancel as soon as you become aware not after they reach out to confirm. I just wouldn’t go out of my way to make plans with these friends again.
anon
I’m confused why you don’t mention whether or not their reasons were work related. They were at work before they were supposed to meet you, right? Work would be the obvious reason to bow out during the week, not kids.
Anyways, you don’t have to meet up with casual acquaintances just to tick a box and show that you are a well rounded person. I’ve been guilty of this myself. If you don’t actually like these people, stop trying to meet up with them!
Anon
Wow, commenters will do ANYTHING to make rude behavior the OP’s fault.
Anon
Oh ffs, that’s not what the person responding to you said. Get off it.
Anon
I’m Anon at 12:11 and I’m not the OP – just a commenter who is sick of the “well you should have expected it” approach to rudeness.
Anon
Nah I agree with 12:11. It sucks to be stood up. Work isn’t a good excuse either. We all work. We can prioritize friends and pre-existing plans, which obviously we make knowing that we also work.
Anon
+1. We all work. Definitely not an excuse.
anon
This might be a lawyer/non-lawyer divide. Every lawyer has had to cancel lunch plans last minute at least once in their careers. It just comes with the job.
Anon
You imply that your time is more important than anyone else’s when you stand them up. No one is that impressed with your lawyer job. Start being a decent human to your friends!
Cat
ugh, that’s frustrating, but did something come up at work and they didn’t realize how much extra effort you’d gone to? for most of my casual acquaintances, plans like this are “best case scenario if nothing blows up we’ll have lunch tomorrow” and only firm shortly beforehand, or maybe day-before if someone was planning to commute when they otherwise wouldn’t have.
Not saying you’re in the wrong here, just maybe crossed wires on expectations & flexibility, so if you want to avoid the problem in the future you might try confirming the day before saying you’re making a special trip in?
Anon
I hope you are communicating that mentality to your casual acquaintances. If I have lunch plans with someone, I assume it is an actual plan, not only a best case scenario plan.
Cat
yes, it’s very reciprocal, didn’t mean to imply it was a secret one-way-only expectation on my part.
anon
That is frustrating and I would probably hesitate to reach out for awhile. There’s a big difference between a friend reaching out as soon as they know they have to cancel and apologizing and flaking like this. I have friends who often have a wrench thrown in their schedule and I’m perfectly happy to schedule with them because they’re apologetic and let me know as soon as they know so I can make other plans.
Anon
I will carry the torch and pitchfork for you. I cannot stand flaky friends!
H13
I am hosting a delegation of 12, non-English speakers at my workplace soon. We will have an interpreter and I am brushing up on cultural norms but does anyone have tips for this scenario or for working with an interpreter? The format of the visit is primarily a tour of facilities.
Anon
I used to work with a lot of non-english speakers and would have to give presentations with an interpreter. One big thing is to look at the person you’re speaking to and not the translator as much as possible. It feels awkward at first but becomes second nature pretty quickly. Also try to talk as much like a normal conversation as possible. Don’t say, “Tell them xyz.” Just say “XYZ.”
We often used simultaneous translators, and it was hard for me not to just be amazed at how talented the translator is! But once I got used to it, that fostered a more natural conversation, if you have that option.
Anonymous
Speak naturally but not too quickly. Learn a couple of words – like Hello, Thank you, Good bye.
Anon
Make sure you talk the people in the delegation vs. the interpreter. I was unprepared the first time I worked with one and wasn’t sure where to direct my attention/body language.
joan wilder
If you’re not already planning on it, rent the earpiece units so that the interpreter speaks into their microphone and it comes out in each person’s earpiece set. Otherwise it is impossible to get everyone in a group of that size to hear what the interpreter is saying.
Anonymous
Send the translator a list of technical terms that will be used during the visit in advance if you don’t work with this is translator usually/they aren’t employed by your firm and very familiar with the space.
If this is a VERY IMPORTANT VISIT, and no one from your company who will participate has fluency in the foreign language, have the translator translate a call or two in advance. Place a domestic colleague who speaks the language on the call to secretly observe the translator. You don’t want to discover in real time that the translator is not up to the task.
Anon
Can you be jealous of a 15-year old? My niece excels in academics and athletics, is pretty, popular, has all of the Gen Z confidence and has figured out how to work with her hair texture. I watched her grow up and I have always been a supportive aunt, and I am so proud of her. But my high school experience was very different and the 15-year old in me can’t help but feel a bit envious, and sad that I really can’t relate to her in any way. Of course all of this gets triggered whenever my SIL posts about the awards niece has won on FB. How do I stop getting down on myself whenever niece has an achievement?
Anonymous
Clearly you are jealous, so yes. What does your therapist say?
Anon
+1 to therapy. What a miserable way to live. Totally worth the investment in therapy to accept and get past OP’s past.
Anonymous
A lot of adults, including my own family members, were envious of my 15-y.o. self. But life is long and it wasn’t all achievements, awards, and admiration over time, and frankly I think I didn’t get the support I needed from my mother and other adults along the way because of how they perceived me and their relationships to me from my childhood. Can you try to turn that envy into pride and support?
Anon
I’m sorry you went through that. The adults have the obligation to get over whatever issues *they* have that cause them to be jealous and to be supportive of the kid. I hope OP gets that and doesn’t take out her jealousy on her niece who has done nothing wrong.
And OP, consider that your SIL is obviously not posting to Facebook any of the negative stuff that comes with being a teenager.
Anon
Same. I’ll never forget when I was in college and realized my aunt (who I had lived with during summers in high school and always loved) had defriended me on Facebook. Seems minor, but felt like a slap in my close family.
When I called my mom to ask why my aunt had done that, it came out that my aunt was jealous of my life and friends in college and it had triggered her insecurities to the point where she had worked herself up into removing me from her social media. Our relationship has never been comfortable since this happened.
Anon
Not a therapist. From what I’ve seen, jealousy is often telling you something about your own life. It isn’t even a bad thing; it can be a motivation to turn that mental energy towards making necessary changes.
Are you jealous of the fact that she has her whole life in front of her and it looks like a shining oyster? Her talents? Is your SIL a more supportive mom to your niece than your mom was to you?
Use that.
Also, I was (am?) an attractive, smart, athletic woman. My friends at least think I’m a great friend; my kid seems to think I’m a good mom; I generally get along well with people. The sheer number of people who thought it was their mission in life to destroy my inner peace was/is appalling. A lot of people are viscerally uncomfortable with women who are comfortable with themselves.
Anon
Oh, honey. This sounds like you have to re-relate to your 15-year-old self, remembering yourself at that age with compassion and love. I’m sorry if this sounds woo-woo, but it genuinely sounds to me like you have some old wounds that are getting picked at (through no one’s fault). So you have to re-route your thinking, which takes some time and effort. Remind yourself of all the ways you were, at 15, doing some amazing things — were you resilient? Kind? Working toward new ways of thinking? All of that counts big, even if they don’t offer awards for it.
Anon
It is very weird to be jealous of a child.
Anon
OP, please don’t listen to this.
Anon
Yeah I agree.
anon
It’s definitely not what most people (anyone?) would choose, but it can make sense. OP, I was similar to you in that I struggled with a lot of things, mostly family and parent related craziness that really impacted my ability to have a normal childhood and to achieve. I eventually figured things out and have built a really great life for myself, but part of me hurts for the kid I was, and all the ways that manifested on the outside.
It’s not ideal, but it happens. It’s not a problem if you do the right things with it, and I think there are good suggestions in this thread.
Anonymous
It sounds like you have some unresolved issues with everything surrounding 15 year old you. I had a pretty rough go of too, so I get it, but this is definitely a signal for you to do some work on moving through your teen experiences.
Anonymous
Wow, I mean I guess clearly you can be jealous! I would recommend you just embrace her awesome without going over the top. She’s your niece! How much time do you actually spend with her? I guarantee you can relate to her. She didn’t figure out her hair texture overnight- she probably was miserable!
Source: I have a 12 year old daughter who is kicking butt at life and I am nothing but happy for her. My own experience was very different.
An.On.
It just sounds like you have a lot of sadness or regret about your own high school years, but I hope that you’re able to stop comparing yourself to her.
anon
You can feel jealousy, but as the adult you can also recognize the thought and place it in context. The context being that life is long and everyone will experience bad turns of luck at some point. One of the perfect 15 year olds I knew drove into a tree and died at 22. Another perfect 15 year old grew up and lost her infant to a horrible disease. I don’t feel jealous about them anymore because of the chapters of life that came after, and I remind myself of that when I feel jealous in other situations.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a good heat protectant spray without silicones/pthalates etc? Thx
Kate Middleton photo
Some people think that Mother’s Day photo was photoshopped by someone, but I think it was 100% created by AI. Will and Kate would never willingly release a photo as crazy as that, it has Charles’ sloppy fingerprints all over it. And then they made Kate take the blame? We are expected to believe that Kate photoshops her own images, and doesn’t have her PR team do it? Please. And now I am wrapped up in all of this drama when I was for letting Kate recover from whatever illness/procedure in peace.
pink nails
I have not fallen down the rabbit hole too far on all of this (I have in the past on royalty stuff, I’ve just resisted it this time) but this is my favorite theory that I’ve heard yet. I totally agree that Will and Kate are way too professional and prepared for this life to have made this mistake, and young enough to understand AI/photo-editing isn’t going to go undetected at their level. It totally sounds like a sloppy Charles move.
Anon
Agree. It’s such an unforced error that I don’t understand how it happened absent trying to hide something. Is Kate too puffy for photos? Is she not even there? It’s super weird.
Anon
Omg you people need to get a new hobby.
Cat
I enjoy following the royals but am SO OVER the conspiracy theories on all of this.
anonshmanon
I feel like it’s getting really entertaining now!
anonshmanon
to clarify, all the weird conspiracies are what’s entertaining, what wacky shit people come up with. I don’t care that much about what the Royals do.
anonshmanon
lol, as 75 year old king has the time and skill to do this kind of photoshop???
anonshmanon
Hillary doesn’t even know how to use a computer!
Anon
Right? If he can even open Photoshop I’ll eat my boots.
Anon
I don’t think Op meant Charles’s literal sausage shaped fingerprints are on this. More like someone at The Firm did this at his direction.
hollypolly
Hard disagree; this entire fiasco has been a series of own goals by Kensington Palace while Charles’ team has done a reasonable (not impeccable, but professional) job with his cancer diagnosis. I was pretty firmly on the occam’s razor train (she’s having surgery and wants to maximize her time off as we all would given the opportunity, whatever), and then they started getting squirrelly about William’s schedule and not following a really standard playbook of how to handle a principal’s illness, and then they released this *clown show* of a photo? Obviously Kate did not do the photoshop herself, that’s a ridiculous thing for them to claim, but she’s getting thrown under the bus by *someone* when she’s in no position to fight back, and all in all I think the blame for this lies squarely with William and a comms team that is making the whole situation worse, either because their principal is refusing to let them do their jobs in a professional manner or because they don’t have the skills needed.
Anon
I don’t know why everybody says it’s ridiculous that she wouldn’t use photoshop. You don’t think they have hobbies? I like messing around with photos and would still be interested in doing that even if I had staff. The fundamental flaw with so many of these wacko conspiracy theories is not remembering that they’re all still human beings.
Anonymous
I think the suspicious part is that she had COMPUTER hobbies. As in time to sit down and putter with a computer.
Anon
She probably has more time than people with fewer staff!
Also you can do a lot on a phone or a tablet these days anyway.
Anonymous
You think they are being weird about his schedule when his wife is ill, his friend just killed himself and they have 3 young kids who they are actively involved with? That’s a lot to balance.
Anonymous
So…does this latest conspiracy include the reason why Charles would do this? Or is it just another case of throwing things at the wall…?
Anonymous
1. She is well known as an amateur photographer. She has been doing the official portraits of the kids for like a decade and she’s done photos of Camilla for a magazine as well and various photos of the late Queen. It’s completely expected that if Will took the picture then she might do the photo editing before sending it out. In our family DH is the photo guy and he edits stuff I take all the time because one of the kids is always fidgeting or I’m self conscious about my teeth or whatever.
2. Some of the claims about the photoshop are just inaccurate like US sources saying the UK isn’t green this time of year. Maybe not in Scotland but it totally is further south. I don’t think it’s actually as photoshopped as much as some people are trying to make it sound. Any hand bits I suspect are because she remembered people freaking out about the picture of QEII near the end when there was a lot of IV bruising on her hand.
3. They release a mother’s day photo every year so of course Will is not in it. UK Mother’s Day is different date from US Mother’s day.
4. Leave the woman alone to recover from her Crohn’s surgery in peace. As Olivia Munn recently said “I needed to catch my breath and get through some of the hardest parts before sharing. ” Crohn’s surgery is brutal.
5. All the speculation about the current Princess of Wales’ body is extra awful given how the last Princess of Wales was treated re bulimia and weight loss/gain. People’s bodies, especially when they are ill, should not be gossiped about.
In the immortal words of another princess, let it go.
Anon
AMEN.
Anonymous
All of this.
People really need to get a life…
Anon
I missed the part where they confirmed she had Crohn’s surgery. Oh that’s right, they didn’t.
Anonymous
I missed the part where she owes you the specific medical details. Are you looking for ostomy bag pics? It’s been widely suspected for years that she has Crohn’s and the surgery is exactly the same timeline. If it was cosmetic, they would not have booked and then cancelled events, they would have flexed the calendar to have tons of events right before and then booked time off around the school holidays.
Olivia Munn also didn’t announce her breast cancer 10 months ago. She announced after she had recovered. See also Angelina Jolie.
Anon
She has Crohn’s and she had planned abdominal surgery that has a long recovery period. It is far and away the most likely explanation.
Anon
You’re worse than the conspiracy theorists. You’ve somehow appointed yourself an expert on a stranger’s health.
Anon
Thank you, for all of this.
Vicky Austin
Goodness yes, this. #5 especially. Thanks for saying this.
Anonymous
The AFP issuing a kill notice proves it was doctored. It’s multiple images merged together.
Anonymous
That’s not what that means
Anonymous
Legit question, because I never get the people who love podcasts here – what is your opinion on all the unnecessary chitchat that happens in the beginning of most podcasts? To me it feels annoying and like a lack of editing and I can’t stand it. Similar to overly long YouTube videos, I much prefer Shorts or TikTok.
But maybe people like the chitchat and think of it like friends or something? Or you just skip past it? Am I missing some normal human response to the chitchat?
Josie P
This is why I hate podcasts. I also hate all talk radio (except Car Talk, RIP).
Anon
I also hate podcasts. I like the kind of radio shows you hear on NPR, which a lot of people of course do stream, but they are not that kind of boring podcast with chit chat at the beginning. I do hate that the current generation of NPR news hosts use podcast voice way too much.
Anon
This is just personal preference. Some people will prefer podcasts that get right to the point and others prefer ones that are chatty. But I’ve been listening to a number of podcasts for 10-20 years now, so I’m happy to hear some chitchat from those hosts. I obviously know that I don’t really know them, but I “know” and like their podcast persona well enough to enjoy hearing them talk about random things. If I didn’t, I’d stop listening (there are certainly plenty of podcast hosts I find completely unbearable, but it’s not a problem because I don’t listen to them anymore).
A.n.o.n.
I think that’s a personal taste issue – I have found podcasts that have fewer chatty interludes. For ex, if you like true crime, a more investigative podcast and/or one with a single host (like Casefile or Bear Brook or Criminal) are going to be less chatty than the two-host true crime/entertainment podcasts (like My Favorite Murd er, Morbid, Sinisterhood, That’s Why We Drink, Crime Junkie).
I do think podcasts are very democratic and easy for amateurs to get into, so sometimes that means there’s less editing is happening to remove the fluff.
Anon
Oh no, that stuff drives me nuts. I only listen to podcasts and programs that get right to it.
Anonymous
Hate the chitchat, but hate music and muzak background more.
Anon
I recently discovered that I like a particular type of podcast–true crime! But I also dislike the chitchat that you describe. Most of the true crime podcasts I have listened to do not have this. One that comes to mind that I really wanted to like was Morbid. But the asides with the two podcasters started to really distract from the stories.
Anon
This is why I can’t stand talk shows. I also don’t like podcasts where the host spends most of the time talking. I only like interview podcasts where they actually listen to what the interviewee has to say.
It’s also the worst when podcast hosts over-explain the question. Instead of “where did you grow up?” they’ll do “so now I want to ask questions about where you grew up, like where did you spend your childhood, and where you got your start in life?” STFU already!
DC Inhouse Counsel
For me it depends if the chit chat is at least somewhat related to the topic of the podcast or not. I listen to a fashion/culture/lifestyle podcast and the chit chat this week was about a wedding they were at a few weeks ago and it felt relevant because they were talking about what the groom was wearing and some nice touches with the drinks/food, which related to the overall topic of the podcast. Another podcast I actually stopped listening to because of the chit chat, it was a music podcast and they would spend like 20 minutes talking about what they’d eaten that week, I HATED it!
Anonymous
I don’t enjoy the chitchat particularly but it is usually only a couple of minutes. I assume you are an impatient person in most areas of your life and that is just a personality thing
Anon
Like online recipes. Here’s a dish that my husband loves and it reminds me of this one time in my childhood… if you can’t get to the recipe on page one, I’m going elsewhere.
Anonymous
Yep. If the page doesn’t have a skip to recipe or print recipe, I’m closing the page.
Anon
It reminds of morning shows. I don’t think I know who the intended audience is for listening to other people have semi-performative conversations, but probably someone who both enjoys it more and is exposed to it less elsewise.
Moose
There are a lot of Podcasts that don’t have that kind of chitchat, and I listen to many of them – they tend to be more focused on a story, or specific content (Supreme Court cases, historical events, etc.). I think, to enjoy the ones with the chitchat, you have to like the chemistry and style of the hosts. There are ones I’ve tried but don’t vibe with for this reason. Others I really enjoy just because I like listening to the hosts, no matter what the content/context is.
anon
I can’t STAND it. “Have you heard of podcasts?” is the #1 question I get when someone’s trying to convince me to walk for exercise (I can’t; I have no cartilage in my knees.) Um, yes, I have and I can’t stand them. The sheer ARROGANCE to assume that anyone would want to listen to their inane, content-less, back-and-forth is . . I just can’t.
Naturally, I’m alone in this. I’m a reader. Let me choose, let me go at my own pace.
Rockin'Remote
I’m very likely moving from a 2x a week in the office to a fully remote legal role. Any tips or advice for rhe transition? Obviously I’m at home 3x a week now but have never worked gully remote except briefly during the pandemic. Thanks!
Anon
Keep your calendar up to date and use the “be right back” or “busy” functions on Teams when on your lunch break. I want people to know that if my Teams dot is green, I will respond promptly.
Get a good at home setup if you don’t already have one.
Anon
Try to go to CLEs or networking events occasionally to get some human interaction. I have been remote since 2020 and feel like my social skills have deteriorated. I have also been avoiding going out because it’s too comfortable to be at home all day. I am sick of being a hermit. Lately, I have been going to events in person and really enjoying it.