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Anonymous
Was told today in a meeting that I looked tired. I don’t know why any person would say that aloud in a professional setting. Just be smart and keep it to yourself.
Anon
Ugh. Although it’s possible they meant it like “wow you’ve been working so hard.” When I was in Big Law my primary partner used to come into my office and bark at me that I didn’t look tired enough and clearly I needed more work.
Anonymous
Gracious, I’m sorry. Nope, in boring corporate role
Anon
I have a new junior person at work who keeps complimenting me. On my outfits. I usually don’t engage but don’t gift up and don’t compliment up. I think it is well-intentioned. But at my seniority, I should be well-dressed (because I’m not so senior I can dress poorly and get away with it, senior partner rocking the man-dals).
Anonymous
Oh man now I wonder if I’ve accidentally made a faux pas before. My director wears some awesome clothes and I’ll occasionally mention that I like them. In my org we have sooooo many sloppy dressers, so the max mara blazer stands out (in a good way!)
emeralds
I don’t think anyone but Anon at 2:36 is worried about an occasional compliment on a nice blazer. But if this s*te has taught me anything, it’s that I’ve been wrong about what other people worry about before.
Anonymous
If you believe what people post here, it is rude and intrusive and somehow biased to talk to other people at all. Anodyne conversation-starters such as “how was your weekend” have been described as fishing for information about people’s $e*ual orientation, even though it’s quite easy to answer such a question in a way that reveals zero personal information. Meanwhile, employee disengagement and toxic workplace cultures are huge problems. Hmm, I wonder why?
Anon III
Please give compliments freely, if you’re not gushing or being disingenuous or giving them overly frequently. Compliments are part of developing relationships and being a normal person.
This s_te has taught me that the following can be unprofessional: water bottles, purses, rings, tight pants, hairbands on wrists.
Some of what is on here I believe, and other things, well, I think–that’s an interesting perspective, and I move on.
Anon
There was a young attorney in my office who complimented often and others as well. I found it annoying. One day I came in to the office with a sweater, slim ankle pants, and flats – rocking the Hepburn look a bit. Another younger employee exclaimed that I was looking super sexy and I felt awesome all day. So, it has to be real and heartfelt, in my opinion.
AIMS
I think key here here is “keeps”- Ivan see it being annoying if it’s every day. There just does not need to be that much focus on one’s appearance at work as to merit a daily discussion, but saying someone looks nice once in a while is fine.
Anon
Don’t gift up is standard, but don’t compliment up I’ve never heard (and I’m a SVP who’s been working for 30+ years). Don’t be obsequious but a genuine compliment is fine.
Anon
Agreed. Never complimenting up feels like the junior colleague couldn’t possibly understand how good the senior’s clothes/jewelry/haircut is. But don’t overdo it with anyone, in any context – then it just gets weird.
Anon
There is NEVER a scenario where “you look tired” is appropriate. Ever.
Anon for this
New mothers?
No Face
Oh definitely not. I was tired but I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I looked it too!
Vicky Austin
Accurate =/= appropriate.
Anon
Only if the rest of the sentence is, “would you like me to watch the baby so you can go take a nap?” And even then, best to skip the step of telling them they look tried
Anon
God no!!! That’s worse.
Anon
I get this constantly due to permanent dark smudges under my eyes. I like to up the awkwardness quotient by replying in a seemingly pleasant manner, “Oh, thank you”, as if they had just complimented my shoes.
nuqotw
This is brilliant.
Anonymous
I do that too.
Anon
From another perma-tired person, this is brilliant and I will begin using it immediately.
Anon
+1
Me too. Thank you for this. It made me laugh…
Anonymous
Wish I could’ve came back with this perfect reply, but was so astounded when I was told I looked tired after answering that I wasn’t tired!
Anon
People truly say the dumbest things. A friend of mine who had cancer and lost her hair is being told BY COWORKERS that she looks like a lesbian now. There are soooooooo many things wrong with this and not one of them is that someone may or may not be a lesbian. WTAF people
Anon
Whaaaat omg
Anonymous
What are some little organizational things you do that you’ve done forever? I’m super late to fill out my calendar for the year, but I write my friends’ birthdays on there, and try to write reminders to myself like “get Mother’s Day presents!” at the beginning of May and things like that.
Something else I guess I do: clean clothes go into the right side of the drawer, so in theory I should pull from the left side of the drawer to get an even wearing.
Keys always go on a hook by the door, along with outgoing mail…
Anon
I’m a very organized person. It’s an old adage but “a place for everything and everything in its place” really works when you follow it. I don’t lose my keys because they live in my purse. There’s no dirty laundry on my floor because it goes in the laundry basket, not on the floor. I will also admit that there’s a fair amount of anxiety driving my organization, haha. Other little things I do:
-Every night I set out my outfit, get my bag ready, and pack my lunch. I’ve done that since I was in middle school.
-I use the Reminders app on my phone for EVERYTHING, it runs my life.
-Throughout the year I’ll jot down ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts (in a separate list in my Reminders app).
-I use a grocery list app and as soon as I’m about to run out of something, it gets added to the list. Items are organized by aisle in the grocery store.
Anonymous
Just FYI, I had an anxiety leading to crazy organization thing going on and it was just ADHD.
Anon
That’s interesting because I thought people with ADHD were inattentive, couldn’t focus, made mistakes, etc? That doesn’t describe me at all.
Anon
People here will tie ANYTHING to ADHD.
Anonymous
ADHD is being inattentive, but that’s frowned upon and women are socialized to be supreme holders of all knowledge. This leads a lot of women to develop elaborate rigid systems to be able to compensate for their natural forgetfulness. There is basically zero chance I’ll independently remember anything, so I have reminders for everything. Normal people don’t need to have a system with 3 reminders and layers of back up, having systems like that are how a lot of people compensate for their own shortcomings, especially when undiagnosed because you know you need to keep up to societies standards but you can’t successfully wing it like most other folks. The anxiety of failure acts as a reinforcement for the self imposed systems.
Anonymous
Also I almost never make mistakes because of my systems. I am literally known at the office for my attention to detail! It’s allll the systems and anxiety
Anonymous
@ Anon 3:26, where did you get your psychology/psychiatry degree from? Maybe you can compare notes with my medical team since you’re such an expert on ADHD presentation in women.
Anonymous
Yeah…one of the traits of ADHD is poor organizational skills. I remember a decade or so ago the diagnosis du jour was ASD, I guess we’ve gone back to ADHD.
Anon
My ADHD daughter who is a grad student now is highly organized. I think because she has to be. But I’ve also seen her using “getting organized” as a procrastination tool. I kind of do that too, now that I think about that.
Anonymous
OP here – no question my organizational stuff is tied to my ADHD. I’ve been told that if you answer questions like “no I don’t have problems with that because I have SYSTEMS” then you’re ADHD.
Anon
Omg this is me to a tee (and my kiddo). We literally had to remind him/his evaluator that the answer to ‘are you bothered by X’ is not ‘no’ if it’s really, ‘no, because I hate x so have this overly complex system to avoid it/set up my life/my parenst set up their live in a way to avoid it’.
As an adult it’s also really helpful to recognize because I was 100% obnoxious and snotty to other people who would not use my obviously superior systems and could not understand why they didn’t have systems (duh, everyone does, right? uh, no).
Vicky Austin
I do the gift ideas throughout the year in a note in my phone thing and it has legit changed my life.
Runcible Spoon
1) Everything goes in a paper spiral-bound calendar each year. 2) I have a spot in the closet for clothes that have been worn once (so are not, technically, freshly laundered) but are not dirty enough to need laundering, so that I can pull from there to re-wear before they go in the laundry hamper. 3) I keep a running grocery list as a note on my iPhone; I also keep frequent recipes as notes on my iPhone so that I can check ingredients while grocery shopping. 4) I’m trying a new thing — changing the furnace/AC filter every season, when the season begins.
AIMS
My co-op changes the batteries in everyone’s Carbon Monoxide/Smoke detector every spring at day light savings time and they change the A/C filters at some other holiday benchmark which makes it very easy to keep on top of.
Anonymous
I’m one of those annoying ‘born organized’ people.
Some of mine:
Everything has a place and gets returned to said place as soon as it’s finished with.
I use baskets in my dresser drawers for underwear, socks, pantyhose, etc.
I have a specific spot for worn but not yet laundry clothes.
I keep notes and lists in a section of my planner.
I have pantry and freezer inventory lists.
I prep the night before everything I need the next morning.
Anon
Meal planning. I sit down on Sunday and figure out meals for the week, taking into account which nights are especially busy, whether dh or I will cook (we each have our specialties), etc. Then I make a grocery list and shop for the week.
Senior Attorney
I do something similar with my undies — clean ones (washed just now) go in the back of the drawer, clean ones washed last week go in the front of the drawe.
I do the dishes and clean up the kitchen the minute we are finished with dinner. And after that’s finished, the kitchen is closed for the night. I can’t stand waking up to a messy kitchen.
I make photo wall calendars every year and import all important birthdays and anniversaries. I also have them all in the calendar in my phone.
Definitely everything from keys to mail to umbrellas has a place to live in my house, so things rarely get lost.
I order most of our groceries on the supermarket web site and when I go pick it up the bring it out to my car. I haven’t set foot in the supermarket since the pandemic. (Although I admit to near-weekly Trader Joe’s runs.)
Anon
SA – how do you to Trader Joe’s during the pandemic without going inside?
– Signed, immunocompromised and missing TJ since March 2020
Anon
I think she’s saying she goes inside there but not other stores. TJ’s doesn’t do delivery, curbside pickup or third party delivery apps like Instacart. It’s a national policy: https://www.foodandwine.com/trader-joes-online-order-delivery-pickup-why-not-7507518
I’m a Trader Joe’s fan but I find this smug “we can’t use these services because you need the TJ’s ~experience~” attitude to be really off-putting. It’s a good grocery store with fun, creative products but it’s not exactly a three Michelin star restaurant.
Anon
I was hoping SA had found a magic workaround.
Senior Attorney
Sorry but Anon at 8:35 is right — I go inside Trader Joe’s! Not aware of the corporate policy and I do find it kind of off-putting, now that you mention it.
anonshmanon
After unpacking the groceries, the bag of reusable bags goes by the door, and lives in the trunk so I never need to remember to bring bags. Occasionally I throw one in the laundry but generally emptied bags go by the door and then right back into the car.
One reminder on my calendar is for my car registration, since the DMV letter doesn’t always arrive.
Cinnamon does not live with the other spices, but in a basket that has the oatmeal ingredients in one place. I almost never use cinnamon for anything else, otherwise I might have two shakers. Speaking of multiples…
Scissors everywhere. I can’t describe what difference it makes to go from ‘one pair that should live in the junk drawer but when you need it it’s always missing’ to ‘we have six pairs of scissors, 3 live in various kitchen drawers, one in a tool/utility drawer, one is permanently upstairs and another one outside’ or whatever makes sense to you. Writing this, I wonder if I should get a few more box cutters. We are constantly looking for ours.
Google calendar and shared digital grocery list is a must to coordinate with spouse.
Packing list on my phone. I used to constantly forget pajamas, or deodorant, but haven’t forgotten anything in ages because whenever I pack for anything, I always go down the list. It has some standard thing, and then some if-items. If going to a fancy event: dress, shoes, jewelry. If international: passport, visa, travel power adapter, sleep mask, other long plane ride items. If work trip: slide advancer, etc.
Runcible Spoon
Yes! Multiple one-step step stools (by the fridge in the kitchen, in the bedroom closet, in the laundry room); shoe-boxes used as dividers in drawers for socks, bras, and undies; panties are folded Mari Kondo-style and stored upright like file folders with clean stored at the back and a new pair pulled from the front every day.
Senior Attorney
If I were ever going to enroll in Hogwarts, the first spell I’d want to learn is the one to make my grocery bags put themselves back in my car after I unload the groceries. “Baggus returnus!”
Anon
Reading an excerpt of the Alabama IVF opinion that states, “In summary, the theologically based view of the sanctity of life adopted by the People of Alabama encompasses the following: (1) God made every person in His image; (2) each person therefore has a value that far exceeds the ability of human beings to calculate; and (3) human life cannot be wrongfully destroyed without incurring the wrath of a holy God, who views the destruction of His image as an affront to Himself.”
I’m genuinely horrified by this line of reasoning appearing in a legal document. Does separation of church and state apply at the state level? Because this reads like some sort of religious edict you’d see in a theocracy. There were talks of appealing last year’s Supreme Court ruling on religious freedom grounds, right? Any progress? What a lamentable state we find ourselves in.
Anon
Alsbama’s prison system would like a word
Anon
Right? The hypocrisy is unbelievable
Anon
This was my first thought! Such hypocrisy…
Anon
That is appalling. Remember what they said in the Handmaid’s Tale…Gilead didn’t happen overnight.
Anonymous
Yikes yikes yikes
Anon
What?? How have I not heard about this. That’s nuts. And yes the Bill of Rights including the first amendment applies to state governments.
Also separation of church and state aside, bold of them to assume their religion is the definitive one. Religious views on when a fetus becomes a person vary widely.
Anonymous
Idk long discussion about this yesterday gotta pay attention
Anon
Rude. I know about the case, obviously. I meant I didn’t know about this quote about God that OP shared. I didn’t see that discussed here yesterday or in the news articles I’ve read.
Anon
What a helpful and insightful addition to this discussion.
anonshmanon
right, how can they possibly apply a theological argument to the 1 in 7 people who are not Christians in Alabama?
Anon
I mean, they’re going to do whatever they can get away with, and I’m sure they’re going to get away with this.
anonymous
Aren’t prohibitions on murder and r*pe (among basically all other crimes) fundamentally theological? Who says it’s wrong to kill? And who says that they get to decide?
Anonymous
no? theyre a societal construct sure, but not necessarily theological. There are lots of rules we follow because they’re necessarily to living with other people, not because we believe in a higher power than says we should. Or do you think all atheists would be fine with murder if the laws were gone?
anonshmanon
Laws get to decide. Put forth by lawmakers, hopefully elected by the public. ‘Murder is bad’ is a value shared by most cultures and many, many religions and philosophies in the world and through the ages. This is not something that Christians invented. We have free will and intelligence, and as a society can make rules about what is ethical and what isn’t.
Anonymous
Don’t r*pe is not one of the 10 commandments. Closest it gets is don’t commit adultery.
Anon
It is absolutely horrifying. It’s so clear to me that many, MANY men want women to be breeders and nothing more. They’re not concerned about mothers – increased maternal death from banning abortion is clearly not a factor to them. It’s all about producing the babies. I’m still puzzling over the why, though – is it for more heirs for the rich men? More soldiers to die in battle? More wage slaves? All of the above?
Those jerks should realize that it won’t be long before we reach a critical mass of women who decline to have PIV intercourse with men. The risks are getting too high, especially as national access to medication abortion is threatened by gutting the FDA’s approval power. I know I won’t risk a pregnancy if we lose it all.
Runcible Spoon
Some might suggest biological imperative/evolution is the root of all this — ie., so long as the men accomplish sustained reproduction, the life of the mother is secondary, as the next generation has arrived! Completely uncivilized and repulsive, of course.
Anon
Yes, the Martin Luther approach:
“Even though they grow weary and wear themselves out with child-bearing, it does not matter; let them go on bearing children till they die, that is what they are there for.”
People keep trying to convince me that women’s bodies have nothing to do with their oppression.
Anon
Is that a quote, and if so, what is the source please? Genuine question.
Anon
She said the source… Martin Luther. This is also a very easy thing to google.
Anon
More white babies to grow up and swell their ranks.
Anonymous
This assumes that you have a choice to say no. We are barely more than one generation out from marital r@pe being legal. Many men who think women should not be able to divorce unless proven abuse or adultery would have no issue walking that back.
Anon
“I’m still puzzling over the why, though – is it for more heirs for the rich men? More soldiers to die in battle? More wage slaves? All of the above?”
WTF. Learn how the other side thinks.
Here goes: kids are great! They are cute. They are difficult, but we all were kids once. We were ALL zygotes and embryos once. The next generation is a good thing: humans to create art, music, and literature; people to discover new things in math and science; people to keep things running. (How do you expect your food to be grown in the year 2070?)
If you want to complain about wage slaves, look at what Biden is doing with the border. Obviously the entire point is to replace the people who left the workforce during the Great Resignation and to have Brown women make the babies you’re too prissy to have. Cheap nannies, landscapers, kitchen line workers, and cooks! Come on in! We cant possibly be expected to pay a living wage for these things – time to flood the market and drive down the earnings of people in low-skill service jobs!
Anon
. . . huh?
Anon
If the “other side” actually cared about the next generation, we’d have UBI, universal healthcare, paid parental leave, etc. “The unborn” are a convenient political tool because they don’t need pesky things like food and housing, and they don’t vote.
Also – odd hard swing there to the very racist “great replacement” theory. I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.
Anon
EXACTLY. I’m so f-ing done with the right saying they care about kids. Call me when we have widely available free birth control, free prenatal care, free (or even affordable!) daycare, affordable housing for families, paid parental leave, etc. It’s . Not. About. Kids.
Also anyone who thinks banning abortion results in better outcomes for kids should read this story: https://projects.propublica.org/the-year-after-a-denied-abortion/
You think those kids have a good life??
Anonymous
Is it really about the babies, or is it about tying up women so that they can’t get in the way of their power?
Anon
We all know this isn’t about babies or valuing life. It’s about religion and controlling women and punishing women for their actions.
Anon
I think it’s both. Get more cannon fodder while also keeping women enslaved.
Anonymous
They don’t really care about babies either, but it’s a simple argument: fetus = life. Look it moves and looks vaguely humanoid if you zoom in x1000.
But they DO want women to be breeders and remember our place. A lot of the evangelical movement towards anti-abortion was driven by racism/money concerns also, with people wanting to send their kids to private religious schools to get around Brown v Board of Ed… there’s a great old Throughline episode that goes into this.
https://www.npr.org/transcripts/916048798
Runcible Spoon
Truly jaw-dropping. Would the Supremacy Clause nullify any of this?
LizzieBennet
And Nikki Haley agrees with it: https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/nikki-haley-sides-alabama-supreme-court-ivf-ruling-embryos-are-babies-rcna139819
Anon
Now imagine how you feel as a US citizen who not only doesn’t want her Christian religion running her government, but who is not even Christian.
Anon
It’s the concurrence, and the one written by the Chief Justice. Obviously, none of the eight other justices thought this was worth signing on to. It has no influence on subsequent decisions.
Anon
Except that this type of language often emboldens people, and also language from past concurrences and dissents sometimes ends up in a main option down the road when the political/societal winds have changed.
Anon
If you were talking about a purple state trending red, I might agree with you. Thing is, it’s already Alabama and even the 72 year old Chief Justice can’t get his colleagues to sign on to it.
I think it’s far more likely that he will retire within the next 10-15 years and be replaced by someone who doesn’t use those arguments and lines of logic.
Anonanonanon
I think the point is other states might look to it. Especially in an area where there aren’t many decisions at all. I don’t think people are crazy to be worried even about a concurrence, even though what you say about its value being true.
Senior Attorney
I literally could not believe my eyes when I read this. FFS…
Anonymous
There is no monolithic “Christian” position on whether embryos are humans or the moral acceptability of ab*rti*n. My mainline Protestant denomination officially recognizes the complexity of the issue and the validity of the mother’s claim to life and health. From where I sit it is decidedly un-Christian to tell a person that she must sacrifice her own personhood for the sake of a few cells that may or may not become a person one day. Jesus was all about the dignity and value of the individual, as illustrated by his propensity for violating cultural prohibitions on eating and interacting with the “unclean.”
Anon
Yah, that is something. But as far as the case/broader argument, it’s a consistent life ethic. I’ve never understood people who are anti abortion but fine with IVF (many evangelicals) — so a days-old embryo is a person in one case, but not in the other?
(And yes, to have legs to stand on a person should have a consistent life ethic from conception through natural death — which includes no capital punishment, improved access to healthcare, care for refugees, etc. For many people, these abortion/brith issues are about control. But there are broad swaths who *do* have a genuine consistent life ethic and are genuinely horrified at it all)
Anon
Because IVF is something that may benefit them. Judging someone else’s abortion is just a hobby.
Anon
I hate IVF precisely because I believe that the embryos are in fact people at the very earliest stages of development. Most pro-life activists also agree. Many won’t do IVF themselves, even when they fail to get pregnant naturally after years of trying.
anon
TLDR: should I push my mom to start dating?
related to this AM’s divorce thread, my parents got divorced once I graduated college – it was absolutely a case of “we’ll wait til the kids are out of the house” (though in retrospect would have been better for everyone if it had happened earlier). I’m in my early thirties now and my mom has not dated at all since (she is early 60s). My dad did the stereotypical man thing and remarried a few years after.
A big factor for several years was my brother going through a rough patch, lived with my mom for a while, doing really well now. But now? My mom is absolutely a catch IMO – kind, smart, gives back, solid job, in fantastic shape, active, etc. etc. She has a good social network but I know she is lonely at times – I don’t think it’s a case of her not being interested but rather overwhelmed. She started dating my dad in college.
Most of her friends are married still. I’ve brought up dating apps/sites a few times but she hasn’t used them…do I keep pushing her to give it a try? Back off completely?
Curious especially for the perspective of moms with adult kids on here.
Anon
I wouldn’t push her to try dating unless she seems lonely or expresses a desire for male companionship. I think lots of women love being alone and don’t feel like they need a romantic partner for a complete life. I’m one of them. I’m happily married, but if my husband died or we divorced for some reason I’m not 99% sure I would never date again. And I’m quite a bit younger than your mom.
Also practically speaking, divorced parents re-marrying often screws over the kids when it comes to inheritance (my mom just served on a jury in a case in which two kids were suing their former stepmother because the dad left everything to the stepmom and her kids), so selfishly I wouldn’t be in any hurry to see my divorced or widowed parents remarry.
anon
I commented late on the other post, but if anything happened to my DH, I can’t say I’d be wildly enthusiastic about remarrying. I adore my DH and we have a great marriage. But so many marriages are not that way, and there are so many men out there that I would never, ever want to deal with. Also, as happy as my marriage is, I also think I could be pretty darn happy living life on my own terms, without the complications that come with remarrying late in life.
Older Gen X
Back off completely until and unless you asks for your input or complains about being single.
There have been a lot of studies about men vs. women and whether marriage makes them happier. While individuals obviously vary, it is perfectly reasonable for a older woman to decide she just prefers being single even if that means she is periodically lonely (just as it is perfectly reasonable for a married person to remain married despite periodically being driven crazy by their spouse).
Senior Attorney
A friend of mine used to say “If you’re single you’re going to be lonely sometimes, and if you’re married you’re going to be annoyed sometimes.”
Anon
I wouldn’t do anything, personally. She seems like she has a happy and full life. She knows about ways to meet people and she’s not pursuing those (at least not the apps). Is t there a lot of research out there showing that single women are the happiest demographic?
If you have to do anything, ask her if she’s interested and why/why not. If she’s not interested, then just say, “Okay cool let me know if you ever change your mind and want my help.” And then never bring it up again unless she does.
People our parents’ age have autonomy and their decisions should be respected. As a single woman, it’s really annoying when people try to tell me I need to date or not date or get married or whatever. Even if it’s coming from a good place, it is really intrusive and infantalizing.
Anon
Back off. As a single woman I do not want to be told I should be dating.
Anonymous
Your mom probably doesn’t want to date because caring for a useless man child sucks and she’s finally enjoying her freedom
Anon
Yeah, like…not to scare your mom off online dating but it sucks. The men are terrible.
Anon
At least if she’s in early 60s age range, she might still find some men who aren’t dealing with p*rn-induced ED.
Anon
Old men watch porn. Just because they didn’t grow up with doesn’t mean they don’t watch it.
Anon
I personally believe the brain impact is different for men who begin in their youth. It’s wild to me that young men who should be in their sexual prime can’t get it up – to say nothing of the manifold harms against women.
Anon
But for women in their 60’s, guess how old the men are who want to date you? It ain’t pretty my friend.
OP, let her be. I would talk to her openly about your life… and ask frequently how she is doing, is she happy, what she is looking forward to in life. Open ended questions, and just listen. If there are things she feels she is lacking, she may reveal them to you. And then you can discuss. It is also important to talk, as my Mom died suddenly not much older than you mother… things can change quickly. And your Mom’s plans for this next stage of life are also important, as we often talk about aging parents and the challenges on this website.
But the options for women in their 60s are not often great, and the idea of starting with the Apps in my 60s for the first time dating in my life sounds like a nightmare…. as would be being saddled with an elderly man who may quickly need care or looking for a sugar momma is NOT what many women nearing retirement age are looking for. I have zero desire for that and will be very happy living actively without a husband/partner.
Anonymous
Back off. DH’s mom tried dating when she was widowed in her 50s and mostly ran into married men looking for a long term affair partner. Super gross. Men her age will be looking for someone 10-15 years younger and older men will age more quickly. Like if she’s an active 60 yr old (like my BFF”s mom who goes to yoga with us), even the nicest 75 year old is going to be 85 in 10 years when she’s just turning 70.
Anon
+1 Age gaps are no big deal in mid life; but you could not pay me a million dollars a year to be a spry 70 year old taking care of an 80-something man.
Anonymous
You should back off completely and let her make whichever choice she wants to make.
I’m not sure what having an adult kid has to do with the perspective one takes on this?
Anons
Why is it so important to you that your mother start dating? Are you worried about her being lonely, or are you secretly worried that if she doesn’t have a man, you and your brother will be stuck as her caretakers?
Also, do you not truly not see the connection between your dad doing the ‘stereotypical man thing’ – quickly finding a new wife to take care of him – and your mom not wanting to sign up for the other half of that ‘thing’?
Anonymous
This.
Honestly, I see where the mom is coming from. To have been stuck in a ‘wait till the kids are out of the house’ before divorcing marriage and then to be single…I would not be in any hurry whatsoever to find someone new.
Senior Attorney
Right???
Anon
I agree. The OP may have good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with those.
Anonymous
Different perspective, but I think it’s worth having a light conversation with your mom about it (more from the standpoint of: “have you thought at all about dating?”) without pushing. If she says yes, than that’s an opening. If she says no, back off. But I will say, my MIL lost my FIL about 20 years ago when they were barely 50. She has chosen not to date and it’s been so f-ing hard. I really wish she had someone. If people aren’t interested, that’s fine. But it sounds like your mom has a lot of life left, so she may want companionship.
Anon
But the OP said she has talked to her mom about dating several times. Why revisit it?
Anonymous
OP has brought it up, and her mother has done. nothing. It seems like she doesn’t want companionship in the form or another husband or boyfriend.
I’m sorry having a single MIL is hard for you. I personally love not having to deal with a stepfather, but everyone is different.
Senior Attorney
Oh, for Pete’s sake. Leave the poor woman alone. If and when she wants to be dating, she’ll be dating. MYOB.
Anon
A different perspective. My MIL of a similar age dates (more of friends with benefits approach), is very private about it and will not tell her children (my husband and his sister). I only found out years ago by accident. So, your mom might just not be sharing with you.
Senior Attorney
Love this.
Anon
My mom started a new relationship in her late 40s after my dad died. That relationship fizzled when she was 65 and she never got into another relationship afterwards. She then dipped her toe into the world of dating and had a few blind dates, but men who would be interested in a 65 year old woman were significantly older than her and were looking for a nursemaid and housekeeper, basically. Who in her right mind would sign up for that once she was finally free and independent?
Menopause cures a lot of the longing to be with someone and care for them that we have during our fertile years.
I’m late 50s and married but if something happened to my husband, I can’t imagine I’d be interested in dating. I’m fairly independent as it is, and I enjoy that.
anon
One of my 60-something coworkers recently REMARRIED her ex-husband so she could be his caretaker. She is a much better person than I am because that sounds like my version of hell.
OP, your mom spent most of her adult life in a marriage. Being independent is pretty darn freeing, I imagine, even if she is lonely at times.
Anon
I guess your coworker is going to heaven, but guess I will have to enjoy seeing my friends in hell. Never.
That is wild.
OP
Super late so IDK if anyone will see this but appreciate all the opinions, truly!
My mom has definitely made comments about being the only ‘single one’ at various life events, makes a lot of indirect comments about spending so much time alone (even though she does have multiple friend groups, etc.). And a few years ago asked if I’d be comfortable with her dating again (said yes) which is why I’ve felt like she wants to but doesn’t know how to get started.
I totally support if she wants to be single the rest of her life! My dad definitely sucked as a husband (and sometimes as a father). I just want her to be as happy as possible, she deserves the world.
anon
Hi, I am mid-50s, divorced for 20+ years, and have dated men around my own age pretty consistently since my daughter left for college a decade ago. I met my current boyfriend online in 2020 – he’s great! 2 years younger than me, healthy, successful, sexy, and fun. The “men your age only date younger women and/or are looking for a nursemaid” has not been true for me at all. I would have loved it if my daughter had encouraged me to date when I was single. (I have zero interest in getting married or living together though!)
Anonymous
I did my first Girvan workout (iron) today… I think I’ll be walking funny tomorrow.
Anonymous
Good for you! I liked the Iron program…most days haha. And yes, I was sore. Also, I didn’t stick with her timing. If I felt I needed a longer rest, I had no qualms on pressing pause.
Anon
Someone asked about private equity in hospitals recently. Apparently child care is next: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/02/private-equity-childcare/677511/
Anon
I’m also mad that Google got rid of on-site daycare in the Bay Area, where access to childcare is already horrific and expensive. Google talked SUCH a big game about caring about employees.
Anon
What?! This is very recent right? Friends had their kids in Google daycare until last fall.
Anonymous
God they ruined hospitals – there was just a study that in private equity hospitals they push you towards more expensive drugs and more expensive treatment, even if there are less invasive/generic alternatives. They also ruined malls. And apparently they’ve ruined movies, also? Movies keep getting shelved as tax writeoffs…
Seventh Sister
This is so disappointing but not surprising. Large corporations (e.g., Bright Horizons, KinderCare) already have a huge advantage in childcare since they often get space free/discounted at big companies, charge market rates, and pay their workers badly even by the standards in the childcare industry. Non-profit and smaller companies get pushed out of the space because they have to pay for real estate, utilities, and labor. Private equity could run everybody else out of business.
While it’s not like I’m going to vote for Republicans, the Democratic Party hasn’t exactly been super-helpful in this area. Haven’t heard a whisper in years about changing the dependent care tax credit, my dumb state is *still* attempting to roll out universal TK, no one ever talks about the lack of aftercare places, and some of the regulations just make it hard to run a daycare without improving child safety. Elizabeth Warren made a point once that no one has to figure out how to cobble together second grade, but most people who work have to cobble together childcare for two year olds (and pay out of pocket after taxes).
Anon
This isn’t news. Bain Cap made an absolute killing on Bright Horizons a couple of decades ago. Goddard was owned by Sycamore Partners in early 2000s. I think KinderCare was also PE owned. (And despite your horror, as a Bright Horizons parent, the brand is absolutely phenomenal. I was hesitant at first but have been so impressed by the incredibly tenured teachers with low turnover, doesn’t close for dumb reasons, always is well staffed, and runs like a professional organization. If that’s the result of prior PE ownership, sign me up. My friends with community based daycares are constantly dealing with problems that absolutely shock me.)
Anonymous
The way to have that super professional always available daycare is on the backs of abused and underpaid staff.
Anon
Maybe at yours, but this is not true at ours. The salaries are publicly listed for our center staff and are well above childcare norms in our area, along with their benefits (retirement, education reimbursement, sick time, etc). They are offered guaranteed, consistent schedules.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think this is true either. Our former daycare (run by a university) has incredibly low teacher turnover, is very professionally run and is reliably open. The teacher salaries, while still way too low, are much better than average for childcare workers in our area, and they have access to excellent university benefits (lots of PTO and 10% of salary in a retirement account).
Seventh Sister
My kids went to a daycare that was an independent non-profit that ran pretty smoothly even through a location change. We did have a leadership change which was kind of tough, but our biggest problem during my tenure was finding a health insurance broker that would cover our staff year to year (health insurance was part of the comp). The center wasn’t super small, so we couldn’t take advantage of some of the very small business coverage options, but we also couldn’t negotiate like places that have hundreds of employees. It was kind of a unicorn, and we did lose good staff to school districts as they expanded TK/Pre-K options.
We also had an “outside area” issue that was super-frustrating because the play area complied one year, and then we got a new licensing person that insisted it had to be divided/rearranged because different ages used the same space at different times. It was exactly the kind of hyper-regulation that my state legislators love to pass so they can break their arms patting themselves on the back, but it did absolutely nothing to make anything better. Kind of like the nearly identical emergency forms I had to fill out each year (two forms, same information, same place to be filed and kept, just slightly different because how can you eliminate a safety form?).