Thursday’s Workwear Report: Garçon Classic Double-Gauze Shirt

361 Comments

1. I have been in a high pay, high stress, long hours, private sector job for over 10 years. I’m very burnt out. I finally have two job offers and am struggling to decide. Both are big pay cuts, but I’ve saved a lot so that’s not a concern. Both are 9-5 type jobs with much lower stress.

   Option 1: Public sector, related field as to what I do now, in the same HCOL city. This is the safe option. I don’t know if I would love the work, but it’s a prestigious position and would give me options down the road in my current field. I have a couple of very close friends in this city and have lived here for over 15 years; it feels like home.

   Option 2: University job, in what would be a big career change, but in something I think that I would enjoy. My gut feeling is that even though it’s a huge career change, I would enjoy the actual job more. But, it would be harder to go back to my current niche field if I didn’t like Option 2. Option 2 would require moving to a MCOL city a few hours away where DH and I don’t know anyone, but it is in a family friendly area with a suburban / rural environment, which DH and I both appreciate. Fewer direct flights from both our parents’ homes.

   For added context, DH and I want to have kids fairly soon (I would need to be at either job for a year first, before paid maternity leave kicks in). He works remotely and is happy with either option.

   I’m scared to not only make a huge career change, but also uproot my life to somewhere that we have no support system. I’m generally a risk averse person. I know I’m the only one who can make this choice, but any advice on how to do so?

   1. How familiar are you with the MCOL city?

      1. I’ve been for a few weekend trips, and am going again with DH for a long weekend tomorrow. It seems very nice and somewhere we could be happy, gets good rankings for livability and quality of life.

   2. Don’t uproot your life and move farther away from friends and family, especially right before having kids. Community is so important with little ones.

      Also I’m in higher ed and most people who end up coming here expecting a dream job are sorely disappointed. The majority of university staff are severely burned out and many of the jobs are thankless. If you said you wanted a university job because you wanted a 9-5 job with good benefits where you could lean out during the intense little kid years, that would be one thing. But it’s not the place to go because you think you’ll love the job. And you say it will be hard to get back into your current field if you don’t like the university job, which is another big reason not to take it.

      1. FWIW, my friend circle changed after having kids. The friends who were pregnant at the same time but had kids a grade ahead of me (due to cut-off dates) are just in another pack of people than I am, a grade behind. I think your circle broadens, but your friends’ lives aren’t static. And their lives will change even if yours doesn’t. It’s a constant refresh and also maintenance work, each of which ebbs and flows.

         Can you not spend some long weekends in the new city or do you need to decide now (if now: my vote is to stay — the off-ramp will always be there).

         1. Yeah your friend circle normally shifts when you have kids, but it’s not the same as moving to a city where you know absolutely no one. Even if you see a childless friend once a quarter instead of once a week (or whatever other example) they’re still present in your life. And current friends can connect you to their friends who might be in a similar stage of life, and help you make new connections. Totally different than moving somewhere where you don’t know a soul.

      2. Agree with the wariness about higher ed. The flexibility and benefits can be great, but the pay is usually terrible and you’re constantly asked to do more with less. Unless it’s a once-in-a-lifetime research opportunity (which you probably would have mentioned), I’d stay in your current city.

   3. I would pick Option 1 since it sounds like you are otherwise happy in your current city. After you have kids, if you want to explore moving somewhere else or you don’t like the job, you can try to find a different job then.

   4. Job 1, no question. You lose other options twice over with Job 2: once, by leaving your niche field and doing into higher ed, and again by leaving (presumably) a city with a lot of opportunities for one with fewer opportunities.

      Also: I would never recommend that anyone go into higher ed now. For context, DH is a tenured professor and I am privy to high-level internal finance discussions at my alma mater. It’s hard to believe because you see these disgustingly huge endowments at schools like Harvard, and see billionaires giving nine-figure donations to their universities, but it’s shocking how many schools are running massive deficits. It won’t clear up any time soon and is projected to get worse. A smaller percentage of kids are going to college; usual money-maker master’s aren’t enrolling enough students; and there aren’t enough kids in the pipeline (born around 2010-present).

      I think you’re going to see a lot of massive structural changes to schools that survive and a fair number will go under. If you don’t have an obvious think tank, nonprofit, or private sector landing pad, don’t go into higher ed. JMHO.

      1. This is so true. A huge number of colleges are expected to close over the next 10 to 20 years. They are not going to be the famous schools or flagship state universities, but many regional schools as the student population declines.

         1. I wouldn’t be surprised to see some relatively well known schools collapse or massively restructure. Too much of their revenue stream is based on assuming that >40% of students will pay $90k a year to attend, and these days, even people who can afford that are opting for cheaper schools. That means they will scramble ever harder for students who can pay, which lowers standards and rankings, which then makes people wonder why it’s worth $90k. The death spiral is already coming for some of those places.

            1. Yeah, even some prestigious schools like University of Chicago have a big debt problem from over expansion and will likely see some major cuts

               https://chicagomaroon.com/40872/news/expect-growing-pains-university-presentation-reveals-severe-financial-pressures/

            2. I feel like WVU, state flagship university, is sort of an example about how the top of the pyramid has big problems also.

            3. There is also the issue of the financial aid formulas’ saying that ordinary middle-class families can afford to pay $90K when they might realistically be able to scramble to pay half of that.

            4. I would not exactly call WVU the top of the pyramid.

            5. I agree WVU is not top of the pyramid but it is flagship. Flagship just means best in the state. People misuse it.

            6. I think it’s: even the flagships are in trouble. Which is alarming for everything that’s not.

            7. I cannot speak exactly to WVU or UChicago, just to what I know from peer-ish institutions:

               Harvard has about 5x endowment of Chicago. Schools like Chicago need to act like Harvard: new buildings, new facilities, new initiatives, big salaries for their high flyers. (Here is a breakdown of top salaries there: https://paddockpost.com/2023/08/03/executive-compensation-at-the-university-of-chicago-2021/ )

               It’s sort of like being in your 50s, having a net worth of $10M, but feeling compelled to spend like your friends with $50M: private planes, vacation homes worth mid-seven figures…. Sure you’re doing a zillion times better than almost everyone else, but you can’t actually afford this.

               Many of their debts were taken on in a lower inflation environment. If you’re running close to the line, it doesn’t take all that much to knock your budget off kilter.

               WVU: it’s hard to get tuition dollars in because it’s such a poor state. Pell grants make up a lot of the budget at those schools, and they simply don’t cover enough. It’s not like the state can cover the difference. There may be other factors at play.

   5. Once you have kids it is far easier to have a local network. In addition, my experience was that in the very young child years I leaned way out in my career. Option 1 offers future potential in a way that is a real maybe with option 2 given the way universities are struggling on a number of levels in the US.

      1. OTOH, once I had kids I needed a parent network and I found that it was incredibly hard to make solid connections b/c working moms were so impossibly busy. In my MCOL city, it means a lot of moms opt out of working (or working FT) and it’s hard to connect with SAHMs and a lot of dad co-workers just have no clue b/c their wife handles all of the kid / family things (so it is hard to ask for pediatrician recommendations at work b/c the dad has no idea). It’s just a different juggle. I have a million new weak connections, but precious few strong ones. Especially in my own neighborhood.

         1. I actually think this may be easier in HCOL areas. Since most families need two incomes and/or the mom wants to work, there are a lot more working moms.

            1. +1

   6. I don’t think it’s a good time to be starting a new career in higher ed admin right now.

      1. Can confirm. I want out. I like the core duties of my job, but the environment has become increasingly volatile and negative.

         1. My daughter just finished her college search and I was very discouraged by how polarized and negative the atmosphere was at most of the campuses we visited. My field is adjacent to academia and it’s the same way. As someone who deeply enjoyed my time in grad school and before that as a staff member at a SLAC I find it incredibly sad.

   7. This is such a personal decision, but fwiw, you sound like you prefer option 1 in your description of the two.

   8. Definitely choose option 1. If you were really excited about getting out of the big city, that would be different, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

      Also, 10000000% agree with others that University jobs are a whole different beast and lots of people hate them. If you are coming from something completely different it will be so hard for you to know or understand. Frankly, I think you should hear that same warning (to a much lesser degree) about the other public sector job too, but at least that appears to be high prestige and doesn’t require you to move, so you can pivot if needed.

   9. I don’t think we know enough about the university job to really help here. Are you a lawyer going in house? CPA? Sales moving to development? My concern is that you think you will like the day to day – can you talk to more folks in that job to really learn more? University jobs can be amazing but higher ed is in a lot of trouble.

      I also agree that moving before having kids is risky. You really need your support network, whether those people have kids or not, and having easy airport access for grandparent visits is crucial especially as they get older.

      I also encourage you to try to experience as much as possible what living in the MCOL place would be like. When I was in a high stress high pay long hours job I also fantasized about moving to the suburbs for the easy life. But life in my city was much easier with a true 9-5 and I love living in the city with kids and think in many ways is easier in terms of me having a full, balanced life. I’m sure I would have been pretty happy in the burbs too, though, just in different ways (and the right burb).

      1. That said, I would much prefer to be an older kid (like middle- and high-school) in a medium sized city with a strong local college than to be a kid in a big city. Colleges tend to be walkable and have good recreation and summer programs, which can be great for older kids to be more independent. Not every college and every kid, but everyone things about the newborn stage, but you can revisit at later stages also.

         1. I live in a college town, and agree about colleges having good opportunities for older kids, especially teens, but this point about a smaller city being better doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Big cities have better public t r a n sit, so it’s much easier for teens to get around. Even the biggest cities (NYC, Chicago, etc) have colleges, and kids who can’t yet drive can subway/bus there more easily than they can in smaller cities where getting around really requires a car.

            1. FWIW, I feel that cities with transit generally have it to bring workers to a central core and back during business hours (e.g., DC metro) and very few are like NYC and maybe Boston. So for a teen, they are good for going to see a pro sports game or a museum but not as good for daily living.

            2. I’m the Anon at 10:56. I live in Chicago. We have actual buses and trains that kids take independently starting around 13-14. You can get almost anywhere in the city once you know the system. My kids can walk by themselves to elementary school and will take the bus or train to high school. What you describe above (being good for a game or a museum) is how the kids in the suburbs access Chicago. I get it, there are lots of places that don’t have this. But it’s not just NYC, especially if you include buses and not just trains as options.

         2. I’m the Anon above whose spouse is a college prof.

            Pleeeaaassse stop this nonsense about how awesome it is to be an adult living in a college town. When you lived at college, it was walkable. That isn’t always true of people who work there. Maybe the public schools zoned for that area are terrible, so you live 20 minutes away. Maybe you can’t afford a house right next to the college. Maybe the housing stock is not what you want (triple deckers on small lots). Maybe it’s a situation in which the college itself is in a nice area but if you go six blocks to the east, it’s full of crime, so you live somewhere else.

            Being a college kid in a college town is awesome. It’s like being a summer intern in DC: amazing, being there as an adult is a wildly different experience.

            1. Asking genuinely: I always wanted to retire to a college town (preferrably my college’s town). I realize that I won’t have good medical care vs my current city, but for the young/active part of retirement, where I could audit classes and see plays and go to lectures, I want to say it seems so ideal. I think about this for every homecoming and college recruiting trip that I make.

            2. When I said “not always the case,” I mean that college towns can vary a LOT in how livable they are for adults.

               Here’s how it actually shakes out with us: university is right next to a super cute downtown area. The housing stock within walking distance of the college or the downtown is not appropriate for adults. The roads are those super cute country roads that are absolutely heaven for kids in the movies; here in real life, there are a lot of kids on bikes hit by cars.

               Grocery store and anything you need regularly is a 10 minute drive, and located off a state highway, so not walkable from anywhere.

               The new houses are 15-20 minutes away. The older houses are maybe 10 minutes away, but are old and small (think 3 bed, 1 bath). Nearest airport, a small regional, is 35 min away. Large airport is 2 hours away. School systems are not great (understatement), so you either have to live one county over (30 minute drive to college) or pay for the local private school.

               YMMV.

            3. My first job after getting my bachelor’s degree was at a college in the quintessential picturesque college town. I couldn’t afford to live within walking distance so I had a car and a crummy apartment 25 minutes away. I had to moonlight as a tutor 5 days a week to make ends meet. The town was cute but there wasn’t really anything useful or interesting there other than a couple of mediocre restaurants, a hair salon, and an independent bookstore. The college was not one of the small number of colleges that are strong in music and/or the arts so there were really no decent concerts, recitals, or plays on campus. Your normal SLAC is going to have one mediocre concert each for band, orchestra, and choir per semester and a handful of very mediocre junior and senior recitals. If you want frequent and/or high-quality collegiate performances you need to live in a place like Oberlin, OH or Northfield, MN or in a big city with a good conservatory or a strong music school attached to a large public university. The only lectures were infrequent appearances by famous alumni, and tickets were restricted to students, faculty, and staff. Community members could audit courses but that was really the only benefit of living near the college.

            4. I think it would fun to live in a college town as a young, active retiree, but it would get a lot harder when you’re too old to drive. They’re not walkable unless you live on or right near campus and those areas are filled with loud, drunk students.

               Also my town has really terrible airport and health care access. I want to retire right near a major airport, not >1 hour from a dinky airport. Many other college towns (even smaller ones) are better on these fronts though.

            5. Yeah, one thing I noticed going back to visit as as an adult my adorable Big 10 college town is how most of not all the SFH around the campus were extremely expensive yet poorly maintained student housing. Fun as a student, depressing even as a Zillow fantasy browser.

            6. Michigan? We had friends move there about 5 years ago now, and they didn’t know how to drive so they had to be walking distance to campus. They paid $1.5M for a pretty small and rundown house and this was before the pandemic boom. Wild to me, since we paid $300k for a huge and recently renovated house in a different Midwest college town. But of course we’re not walking distance to campus (and Ann Arbor is definitely more expensive than our town).

   10. I live in a college town that is on a major commuter line to NYC. Several of my friends have taken low stress (even part-time jobs in a few cases) at local, well-ranked colleges because they offer excellent tuition discounts for their kids. They even have reciprocity agreements with affiliate schools in other locations. Perhaps this is something to consider down the road when you’re kids are a little older.

       1. I toy around with this idea. I had kids old enough that I could work PT vs actually retiring and the tuition discount would be a deal maker / breaker. I wouldn’t do it say now because I don’t trust some schools to be around when I’m that old (so 10 year horizon vs 3 year horizon).

          1. You’d need to look at the school’s policies very carefully. Some prestigious privates schools will pay full tuition at any institution your child gets into. That’s potentially worth hundreds of thousands of dollars per kid.

             I work at a state school and get half off tuition at our institution only. It’s nice, but its currently only worth $20k over 4 years, so it’s not life-changing and wouldn’t be worth the higher ed pay cut for most people.

   11. My mentor gave me some really great advice when I was early in my career: Before taking any position, realize you’re actually taking two positions. You are taking the job in front of you as well as the one after. Because the decisions you make have a very real impact on how marketable you are the next time around and the types of doors likely to be open. The cut off from your niche area and contacts (and associated salary opportunities down the road if you need to go back to a higher salary) to go somewhere with likely fewer opportunities if it doesn’t work out or you don’t like it would be reason enough alone to stick with No. 1.

       From a personal life standpoint, I don’t think the uproot to a new location is make or break, but the being inconvenient for air travel and distance from parents would do that for me. Over the next stage of life, you’re likely to need them more–and then it flips, and they’re likely to need you more as their health changes.

       Then there’s the frank look at industry direction. No way would take No. 2, especially when it’s likely to be an environment in decline as others have noted. I can only speak for my own experience, but working at companies in media (a declining industry) to now tech serving healthcare (rising), has huge effects on culture and resources and company growth mindset and competitive perspective in ways big and small. A rising tide and all that stuff isn’t just words. It truly can impact day-to-day pressure and the number and types of future opportunities.

       One last thing: Don’t let burnout give you a false sense of reality. I’ve taken a pretty big pay cut for what i thought would be less stress. It really didn’t impact it. The 9 to 5 mentality is less and less in today’s ever-on world. Making more money sometimes gives you more flex. I wouldn’t take any steps that might limit earning at that amount again if you want/need to make a shift closer to your prior role in pay.

       1. I love this. I took option 1 because it would allow me to go back to a higher earning position later. I am really enjoying option 1 and might stay here, but knowing I could probably make more money is extremely helpful. Relatedly – kids are expensive!

          1. Soooo expensive.

   12. I left a partnership at an AmLaw rated firm after 10 years to go in-house at a university. I am commenting here only about financial issues. Please, if you haven’t already:
       * research and compare retiree pension benefits between the two options
       * research and compare retiree health benefits between the two options
       * you sound about the age I was when I switched (over a decade ago) – get serious, if you aren’t already, about taking your current savings, investing it for retirement, and projecting out what it will generate for you to live on when you are 60, 70, 80 etc

   13. Thank you all for these points – super helpful. I’m not familiar with the higher ed environment, so this is giving me a lot to consider. I’m also so burnt out that the idea of moving to a university town doing something very different seems idyllic, but points well taken about actually living there, limited future career options, and leaving my support system in this city. Lots to think about, especially when I’m there this weekend.

       1. This is so dependent on the specific university as well. In the state where I live, our state flagship is an incredible place to work with great benefits and it is part of a statewide system with a very good pension plan. Additionally, the statewide system is such that people move from state institution to state institution on a regular basis. The pay is also very competative at the top schools in the system.

       2. FWIW, I think you got just about the most doom and gloom view possible of working in higher ed. As a field it has its issues, and many positions can indeed be terrible! But I love my job: I love feeling like I can make a difference, I work on a beautiful campus, I love the energy and sense of possibility buzzing through the air every time we start a new school year, I love living in my college town, I can walk or take the bus to work and to libraries and to football games and concerts and cute places to get a margarita or a pizza on a Friday night.

          With that said, you should still do your due diligence into the school you’re considering; the suggestion to look at their financials is spot-on. Even as a believer in the field, there are many colleges and universities that I would never work at because of their financial outlook. WVU is indeed a sobering example that being a state flagship is not always enough to insulate a school from financial crisis, especially in our current age of diverting public spending away from education. But not every university in the country is WVU or your local non-selective private college with an enrollment of 800 students and sub-40% graduation rate.

          1. I worked in higher ed for a decade and loved almost every minute of it. I left for a higher-paying job in the private sector, but I hope to be back on a college campus within the next 15 years, and I would love to finish my career there.

          2. I was one of the debbie downers about higher ed, and I mostly agree with this too. There are a lot of good things about campus and college town life, and I did love working on campus pre-pandemic (but no complaints about being fully remote because it’s a better fit for my personal life). I don’t have any worries about my institution going under, but it’s a top 10 public school that is doing well financially, so ymmv.

   14. I’d stick with option 1. In a few years, maybe the exact job in option 2 won’t be there but if you’re still yearning for a quieter life you can find something.

2. Gift ideas for aunt and uncle coming into town? They graciously hosted us a few months back and really went out of their way to do so, so we would like to give them something when we meet for dinner (besides covering the dinner – if they let us lol!). Relevant info: SE Asian immigrants, middle-aged, unsure of their interests, gift card wouldn’t be appropriate. Thanks!

   1. How about something lovely for their home—fancy dish towels, lovely serving dish/bowl, pretty vase? Another option is a gourmet food basket of small things to sample.

      1. I would be annoyed by a big gift when traveling. If you want to give them something like that, ship it to their home.

         1. Fancy dish towels wouldn’t be so bad though.

   2. If they aren’t flying, and they do drink, a feel like you can never go wrong with a nice bottle of wine

   3. When I’m traveling, the last thing I want is more stuff! If you absolutely have to give them something now, I’d stick with something very small and nonbreakable or something they can consume within a day or two. If they’re driving instead of flying, it might be somewhat less annoying to give them stuff, but even on a road trip it’s a hassle to find a place for anything large or fragile or temperature sensitive.

   4. Anything local that you could gift them? What about an experience-type dinner, something to make it more special? I am in NOLA and our WWII museum does dinner and a show, or a local cooking school will make a dinner for you along with a cooking demonstration. I also like the idea of bringing them a small gift basket with goodies they can enjoy during their stay. You could include a couple of local souvenirs too.

   5. Concert? I say this because I live in the SF bay area and there are a lot of concerts/performances that happen in this area than others.

   6. Do your best to get them to let you pay for dinner, and maybe do a gift if there’s something very light and easily carried that you either noticed they’d appreciate while you were there or know they’d appreciate during their visit. Otherwise no need for a gift – it would have been more appropriate to send something right after your visit. If they won’t let you pay for dinner, send some really nice flowers/wine/edible treat after they return.

      1. Not the OP, but my older relatives never let us pay for dinner, fwiw. It would be futile and even insulting to try, in my situation.

   7. Can you mail then a card and a gift after? Something with a message like seeing you this weekend reminded us again of the wonderful weekend we spent with you in March. This vase/book/basket/etc reminded us of those times”

      1. Yeah, I like this option! It’s kind of a double gift for when they hosted you. Maybe have a server snap a quick photo of you all, print it, and include that too, whether framed or just in the card.

   8. Please don’t buy Asians dish towels. Weird gift.

3. It’s time for me to buy a plain, boring, black, big but not too-big purse, and I’m just not seeing ones that I like. I’ve perused Kate Spade (my current purse, to give you an idea of what I’m looking for), Macys, Nordstrom, and Coach. Any thoughts on where else I should be looking? Thanks!

   1. i swear i have no professional relationship but quince has decent leather goods, not trendy, sort of basics. I also got a purse from madewell which i am fond of.

   2. https://www.dillards.com/p/furla-flow-large-solid-black-top-handle-shoulder-bag/517307717

      They also have cross-body bags in black.

   3. Portland Leather.

      1. I have been drooling over them.

      2. +1 Portland Leather. I just realized that my Portland Leather purse and wallet are about 1.5 years old….I was about to write that I “just” got them.

         1. Oh and I got the “Almost Perfect” versions, and I could not for the life of me figure out why they were selling them as “almost perfect”…they were very, very good.

      3. Portland Leather if you do not like interior pockets and Lo & Sons if you do. I have both and they are great quality, although very different.

   4. Shinola ($$$) Portland Leather, Open Hand Leather Goods, Treefairfax

   5. Boden

   6. I use a Longchamp bag for this. Madewell is also worth a look.

      1. I’d splurge big on a Longchamp Roseau tote. It’s on the cusp between purse and tote size wise and though it costs $$$ it will last a long time.

   7. Is your budget Kate spade on sale or Kate spade full price? You can get some great purses on sale for $300ish if you’re already paying $250 full price

   8. Reviews of Quince here (and in my experience) have been mixed but I’ve purchased two leather bags from them in the last year and I’ve been impressed with the quality for the price point. Worth checking.

   9. Strathberry

   10. Leatherology. I have Leatherology and Portland Leather bags and wallets, and they’re both pretty good for the price.

   11. RealReal has lots of Mulberry bags under $400, lots of Furla under $100, See by Chloe under $200

       Nordstrom Rack has some nice Tumi bags under $300 and a basic hobo from Marc Jacobs and Bruno Magli, also a Rebecca Minkoff for $200

       https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/rebecca-minkoff-edie-maxi-shoulder-bag/7618842?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=001

       https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/tumi-nairobi-convertible-crossbody-bag/7336608?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=012

       https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/marc-jacobs-leather-hobo-bag/7353971?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=001

       Kate Spade also – https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/kate-spade-new-york-kailee-medim-flap-shoulder-bag/7051958?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=001

       https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/kate-spade-new-york-aubrey-convertible-top-handle-bag/7637789?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=001

       https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/rebecca-minkoff-darren-convertible-top-handle-bag/7598400?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FBags%20%26%20Accessories%2FHandbags&fashioncolor=Black&color=001

4. Pretty shirt! I wish it came in more fun colours.

   Glad to see Vicky Austin back. Missing some of the old commenters. CountC, Dr. The Original, pugsnbourbon…. hope they are all doing well.

   1. Yes I was happy to see Vicky back too! Would love to hear from the others. I think a couple of people keep in touch with Dr The Original and would love an update – didn’t she have a surgery last year and was switching jobs or something?

      1. Oh, thank you! I was barely keeping my head above water for a little while there, so I stepped back.

         I had been emailing with Dr. T-O but need to catch up with her. Not sure what her latest is.

   2. I have been thinking of RainbowHair too

      1. And Curious!

   3. I’m always wondering if SF Bay Associate is still around under another name. She always had great picks from the Nordstrom sale, lol.

   4. And Bunkster had great book recommendations.

      1. So did Sloan Sabbith!

   5. I’ve never used a consistent handle here but I remember all these people being regulars. I wonder if they are here but posting as anon now, or under a different handle…

      1. I am one of the posters listed. I am still here but after someone posted some nasty things about me that indicated they had some idea who I am IRL, I went anonymous.

   6. And of course the always welcome Godzilla and SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

      1. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS is still around! They commented some very helpful stuff (and of course, shots shots shots!) on an anon post I made a few months ago. Thank you, SSS :)

5. Paging the anon who mentioned they use the reminders app for everything yesterday– teach me your ways (or anyone who has tips for the reminders app). I hardly use it except to remind me to take my meds, but sounds like it could help mitigate my absentmindedness.

   1. That conversation yesterday was a bit confusing. It seems like people are applying a possible diagnosis of ADD to anyone who uses a to do list or a reminder app on their phone. Those are extremely common things to do.

      It’s one thing for very complex systems and I have a family member who exemplifies that, but I think we’re seeing an unhealthy scope creep. I believe that you can use list and reminders without having any “disorder” or “neurodiversity,” if you prefer.

      1. I agree! I use to do lists and reminders on my phone, because I’m a busy professional and mom with many things going on in my life. FWIW, I’ve had testing (for other reasons) and don’t have ADHD

      2. I think it’s a venn diagram. If you think of the circle of people who use organizational tools, and the circle of people who have ADHD, there’s probably some significant overlap. But it doesn’t mean it’s the same thing, or a 1:1 relationship between the two.

      3. Are you a diagnostic psychiatrist?

         1. As if all the people who chime in almost daily with “that sounds like ADHD!” are? Come on.

         2. Are you, 10:56? What was said that is wrong?

      4. I agree.
         I’ve noticed it’s been a thing for a while to romanticize ‘neurodiversity’, so applying common traits to things like ADHD goes along with that…
         I like to use tools (‘systems’ if you like) because I am a very organized person who likes to stay that way, not because I have a dignosis. The idea that the reason for using ‘systems’ is always ADHD is ridiculous.

      5. That conversation took a weird turn! I love learning about people’s little organizational and life hacks, and even trying new organizational systems. And FWIW, I am generally very on top of things.

   2. Not the OP yesterday but I love the reminder app to keep track of long term to-dos. When the doctor says “call me in 6 months to schedule a follow up” I can just pick up my phone and “say hey siri, remind me to schedule an appointment with dr ___ in 6 months” and it puts it in the correct date. Also repeating to-dos.

      1. This is what I do too – for example I’ll set a reminder for a year out when I need to cancel or renew a subscription, and I have a monthly reminder for my dog’s flea and heartworm medications

   3. I’m one of the commenters (I have in fact undergone testing and diagnosis through medical professionals, but I’m sure that won’t stop inappropriate comments).
      To begin, I use the Google suite of products.
      I have reminders for everyone’s birthdays 1 week in advance to mail out cards and on the day itself to do the obligatory call, these are set to be yearly recurring.
      I have reminders for every long term routine house thing also recurring: furnace filter, clean out the dryer hose, gutters etc.
      I have my weekly tasks bundled into one reminder/list per day so for example Sundays are for laundry, floors, meal planning, and kitty snuggles. Each day is different.
      Most of my other systems are not digital, things like strategic baskets/shelves/labels etc.
      Theres lots of resources out there from organization/ADHD coaches about setting up systems that work for you and with you.

      1. One of my kids has ADHD, and to me, it’s been super cool to figure out that some of the systems we’ve set up over the years to support him have been good for the entire family. We have a combination of digital and analog solutions. And I figured out long ago that the only way to stay on top of house stuff with a full-time job is to assign a task for each day.

      2. I don’t have ADHD and divide my housework over the week with different chores assigned to different days…to me it just makes it easier to stay on top of everything.

   4. I rely on my google calendar and phone alarms. Anything less than 24 hours out gets an alarm (put donations on the front porch, etc.) Google calendar is for longer term things, like when I renegotiate my cable rate I immediately put a reminder on my calendar for 11 months out to call and renegotiate it again. I also have calendar reminders 2 weeks before any important family birthdays to buy cards and presents, things like that.

   5. That was me. (And I do not have ADHD for the record – I am just a very organized person.) I really don’t have any special tricks for using it, it’s just a way to keep lists and set reminders when/if I need to be notified. I have one for bills due, one for gifts, one for birthdays, one for general kinds of reminders, one is a running list of things I want to buy for my house so if I’m at IKEA or wherever I can refer to it…things like that. I don’t like to use the calendar in my phone because I like that I can see a whole list of things at a glance with the reminders app. For meetings and work-related things, I use Outlook.

6. I think the Alabama IVF ruling could have significant impact on the abortion conversation in anti-abortion states. There are going to be a lot of women now who opposed abortion, thinking it would never apply to them, who need IVF services. I don’t think they’ll like being thought of as murderers if they freeze embryos and choose not to preserve them. There are a lot of dynamics at play here but I’m interested to see how this goes – especially since most women and most voters do want some access to abortion. Strategically, I think it was a big mistake for the anti-choice side to to push for this ruling. Apparently one of their extremists is on tape somewhere saying “let’s not deal with IVF for a few years” and now the moment is here.

   1. IVF aside, extreme bans on abortion are actually unpopular even in red states. There have been pro-choice victories in states like Kansas and Ohio since Roe was overturned. It’s not a losing issue for Democrats.

      1. It’s not gonna matter much if Trump wins again.

         1. I’m planning to write in Nikki Haley even if she isn’t the R nominee. [And IDK what happens with either likely candidate if they become incapacitated between now and January 2025 or later. Really concerned with who Trump choses as VP — some names are beyond awful.]

            1. Haley is on record saying that embryos are people.

            2. FYI Nikki Haley supports the Alabama IVF decision.

   2. I commented late yesterday along these lines, but yes. I’ve never understood how people can justify being anti-abortion but think IVF is just fine. Why is a days-old embryo a person in one case but not the other? This has always weakened the pro-life argument, and frankly I’ll be glad to see them forced to reckon with it, if indeed it goes that far. I can respect people with a consistent life ethic – which also means no capital punishment, improved access to healthcare, etc. (And yes those people exist. It is a genuine concern for them, not just control and power. But to be against abortion and do IVF? That is pure judgement and moral relativism)

      1. They do need to reckon with it. It can’t be the case that freezing vs. destroying embryos is an emotional personal choice we should all respect, but an abortion is an evil crime against morality.

      2. I agree with this, but I also fear the “logic” argument runs both ways. Pro-lifers can’t logically be against abortion yet for IVF, and pro-choicers can’t logically be for abortion yet against the right of the mother to choose to kill her child after birth.

         1. Huh? Why can’t pro-choice people be for abortion and against the right of the. mother to kill her child after birth? I think you don’t understand pro-choice arguments if you really believe this.

            1. The child is the same being before and after birth. There’s no logical justification for permitting the mother to kill it prior to birth other than prioritizing the mother’s rights over the baby’s (which I generally do, for what that’s worth). But there’s no logical basis for the distinction; it’s a value judgment. Pro-lifers can make the value judgment that abortion is wrong yet IVF is okay.

            2. I disagree; if you’re talking about a pre-viability fetus there is definitely a logical distinction between a fetus and a baby. A fetus can’t breathe or survive on its own without being attached to the mother’s body; a baby can.

            3. You’re wrong, anonymous. A 12-week-old bundle of cells cannot survive without the woman’s body. A baby outside her body can survive. Abortions of fetuses that could have survived outside the body are vanishingly rare and tragic so don’t bring those up.

         2. WTF? who is against killing children AFTER birth? I have literally never heard that argument except from fearmongering republicans and priests that this is what some people believe. A baby is a baby and can easily be put up for adoption or go to a safe harbor place.

            1. I think it’s a legal hypothetical kind of thing. Some people argue that age of viability is a slippery slope to undermining women’s rights since it could lower with futuristic advanced technology like an artificial womb. There’s a divide between people who take the view “great, incubate my unwanted fetus in your mechanical incubator at your own expense, pro-life weirdo, all I want is to be done being pregnant” and people who take the view that it’s a violation of their rights if anyone or anything carries that unwanted fetus to term.

            2. I know real life people who do think that, for children under some age of consciousness

         3. We put embryos in the freezer to preserve them. If we put a baby in the freezer, it would kill them. See the difference?

         4. LOL what?

         5. No. You can be for abortion and against the right of the mother to kill her child after birth.

            After birth, a child is not dependent for survival on the body of another human. The mother can give that child to someone else if she does not want to take care of it and the child will be 100% fine.

            Before birth, up until viability, the child is dependent on the body of another human for survival. The pro-choice argument allows for the personhood and bodily agency of the mother to trump the fetus potentiality/personhood.

            Regarding the viability argument, I think it’s weakest because of the continuing changes in medical developments. However I do think there is a logical argument to be made for it. A logical thought experiment/analogy that we discussed in a philosophy ethics class is to imagine a situation where an Adult Person A could save the life of another Adult Person B by being hooked up to them 24/7, should they be required to do so? What if Person A chose to do so at the beginning, but then the procedure has greater health risks than they original anticipated – are they still required to stay hooked up to Person B? What if Person A could die – still required? What if Person A was just walking through a hospital, where they knew they could be nominated to be hooked up but it wasn’t likely, but then they were hooked up to Person B?

            You may say yes, Person A has a responsibility to save Person B. I happen to disagree since I value the bodily autonomy of Person A (the mother) and trust their decisions to make choices about their body. Both viewpoints could be argued logically. Which is why legally this should be left to the individuals.

      3. Yeah my parents are religious moderate conservatives, they’re as vehemently opposed to the death penalty as they are to abortion. I think it’s a pretty common view among non-fanatical deeply religious people.

      4. I’ve collected over 60 eggs across 3 cycles and only ended up with 4 viable embryos. Of those, only 50% have a chance of implanting. These are pretty average statistics. So, you are wrong.

   3. With the advent of egg freezing, I’m not sure why it would be so important to create a dozen embryos when you want two kids. A far more sane solution, IMHO, would be to create fewer embryos and keep the woman’s eggs frozen. Yes, I know there is a reduced possibility of conception from those, but it mitigates so many problems. Couple divorces: those eggs are hers, no question. People who aren’t hard core pro-life but feel squeamish about creating so many embryos: problem solved.

      1. No you’re wrong. I’ve had 45 eggs retrieved. Of those I have had zero viable embryos. Making me freeze the eggs then thaw them three at a time would lower my already bad odds, cost me a ruinous amount of money, take a long time, and generally is bad medical practice. People feeling squeamish about my medical care is not a problem that we solve by forcing me to have worse care.

      2. A great option when you are ignorant of medical care is to simply not share your foolish opinions. They have no value.

         1. +100000000000

      3. Your scenario just does not happen. People do not create dozens of embryos. A successful round will result in 5-15 eggs collected, then the number of embryos that make it to freezing is about half, then about half will clear screening, and then let’s not factor in miscarriage, etc. Plus the whole process is difficult on the body and each round is probably about 2-3 months when you are already under pressure with the clock ticking, so no one is just willy nilly hoarding dozens of embryos.

         1. This.

      4. Are you a reproductive endocrinologist? That is absolutely not a “problem solved.” There is no way to judge the potential of eggs before you try to fertilize them. I’ve had 18 eggs retrieved from my body, and they created one viable embryo. There is also a wide range of success odds of transfers of embryos, depending on many factors.
         A sane solution would be staying the fuck out of people’s business and reproductive decisions.

         1. +1,000,000 from 32 eggs and 1 embryo here.

         2. Your last sentence x100.

            1. +10000

         3. AMEN.

      5. Because the chances of conception from just an egg are far far worse than a frozen embryo.

      6. LOL you’ve clearly never dealt with this. Why don’t you just keep your mouth shut about something you obviously know nothing about?

      7. No one is trying to create a dozen embryos. But there are so many steps along the process, and many die at each step – eggs don’t fertilize, then they don’t grow or they just randomly stop growing, they are not genetically health, etc. i started with 17 eggs, ended up with 4 embryos. The first didn’t stick, so I used 2 in total for my first kid. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to have a second kid from the 2 embryos left.

         Plus, frozen eggs are less likely to end in a live birth. The fertilization rate is lower and you still have all the other problems. If they had only fertilized a few at a time, I very well may have ended up with zero kids.

         1. +1. On the IVF subreddit they call that process of winnowing down from eggs retrieved to viable embryos “The Hunger Garmes” and it’s totally apt. So few survivors left at the end.

         2. This makes me wonder, have any of the people in favor of this ruling addressed pre-implantation genetic diagnosis? I imagine this would be banned as well.

            1. The tests are largely for genetic incompatibility, such as missing a chromosome. Those embryos would never implant or cause a miscarriage

            2. There are PIGD tests for a lot of different conditions, including those that will allow a baby to be born – Duchenne muscular dystrophy, Tay Sachs, cystic fibrosis, just to name a few.

               I guess those people just have to take their chances, and of course, as a society, it’s not like we’re going to give them a lot of extra help after children with catastrophic medical needs are born.

      8. Ha — our work (and so many others) offering this as a benefit as a way of taking your free time in your fertile years and wrecking your dating prospects. I see people speaking positively about egg freezing are OK with every lifestyle sacrifice they could possibly put upon you.

         1. This isn’t what we are talking about and is offensive. I’m using IVF to try and get pregnant alone. I didn’t sacrifice dating to work, I simply never found a man tolerable enough to keep around.

         2. What are you even talking about?

            1. I think her point is that egg freezing is touted as a sure bet to future pregnancy, which is not born out by the science (far from it — success rates are low). But companies are offering as a great benefit, inducing people into pouring their energy into work and putting off procreation for the future.

      9. I don’t think you know anything about the egg/embryo freezing process of IVF. Your comment is infuriating.

   4. “I never thought the leopards would eat MY face!”- person who voted for the Leopards-Eating-Faces party
      You’ve got a point that this could backfire. A lot of anti-abortion rhetoric isn’t logically consistent, and the ruling forces the issue. And we’ve been seeing in a few states (Ohio, Kansas) that when abortion is put on the ballot, people support it.

      1. Have you ever seen anything Republicans do be logically consistent? It doesn’t matter.

         1. Touche

   5. I hope you’re right and it blows up in their faces come election time. I am livid. Some of the absolute best people and parents I know built their families using IVF. It is so a$$ backwards I truly cannot comprehend people still think this way in the year our lord 2024.

   6. I think you’re being entirely too optimistic. This will make things in worse. In no way will it make things better.

      1. Exactly. I am scared about what’s happening.

         Also, I live in a state with an extreme anti-abortion law, and it looks like we’ll have a ballot measure this fall to get back some access. I’m also very scared that this will be the first state to vote such a measure down.

   7. I’m not hopeful. All the worst religious folks I know have IVF babies. They have money and can manipulate the system.

   8. The Heritage Foundation is advocating against the birth control pill right now. Will people really stop voting for the candidates they endorse? I doubt it.

   9. So, are dudes able to get paternity leave once they have embryos?

      1. This type of asinine comment adds nothing to the conversation. You can’t take paternity leave as soon as your wife gets pregnant, there has to be a qualifying event like a birth…

         1. I think that the grifters should pile on this. Stupid begets more stupid.

   10. I’m surprised we haven’t talked a bit more about the big legislation directions that will stem quickly from this type of decision.

       Birth control.
       Birth control that inhibits implantation of a fertilized embryo. That is now murder in Alabama.
       This is the next big step.

       Research on embryonic stem cells etc…

       This is what we talk about in the medicine/science side.

       1. Precisely! It’s a snowball. And other red states are going to jump on the bandwagon now.

       2. I mean it’s been less than a week. Can those of us specifically care about IVF not talk about that? Feel free to add whatever you want but spare me the “oh I’m surprised we haven’t discussed” nonsense.

          1. Why so much anger at each other for bringing up more relevant points?
             We are on the same side here.

             Of course we can care about IVF.

             I hate this infighting that just makes us weaker.

          2. I don’t think that anyone has ever stopped anyone from talking about IVF on this site. It HAS to be the most used term in the comments. It comes up nearly every day, if not every day here. So I found the birth control add to be helpful because we already know how commenters here feel about IVF in general.

             1. LOL what message board are you reading? People definitely do not talk about IVF every day.

   11. There are so many crazy outcomes from this. If I have frozen embryos, do I have to pay for keeping them frozen for the rest of my life? What if I stop paying the bill? Are the service providers prosecuted for letting them thaw out? If someone wants a frozen embryo, am I required to donate them? My own DNA and my partners? Can I move them to another state,and then dispose of them?

       Corporettes, follow Tia Levings on Instagram, and read her posts on Substack…insightful, horrifying, and real.

7. Help me figure out what I need for insurance? With insurance costs being generally astronomical these days, I’m going to reprice everything to make sure we’re not being taken for a ride.

   We are a39 each, have 2 very young kids, own our home. Only debt is our mortgage, which is about 50% of value. No pool or trampoline. We have two relatively new cars (owned outright). We live in Massachusetts, about 20 miles inland from the ocean, so not typically subject to any sort of natural disasters (knock on wood). We have some generally high investment and cash balances that we’d like to protect (we’re def not millionaires – just good savers).

   Homeowners I think is simple enough. We’ll get a rider to cover some expensive jewelry (namely watches and diamond rings), but hardly a massive collection. Nothing else in the house of unique value (no art, etc).

   Auto – I never know what coverages to carry. Here’s what I currently have: 20,000/40,000 each for bodily to others. 8,000 for personal injury protection. 100,000/300,000 for injury caused by uninsured driver. 250,000 damage to someone else’s property. 100,000/300,000 bodily injury to others. 100,000/300.000 bodily injury caused by uninsured driver. I’m a smart woman, financially pretty savvy even, but I have no idea if this is good, bad or ugly.

   Also, do we need / want an umbrella? Does an umbrella cover us if the above isn’t sufficient?

   Help with adulting kindly requested – thank you!

   1. Depending on how your house is situated, flood insurance isn’t the worst idea. I know people in inland Massachusetts who used it when their walk-out basements flooded and needed to be gutted. But if you’re up on a hill or don’t have a basement like that, it isn’t as valuable.

   2. I think you probably want an umbrella policy. We have $1M and it’s pretty cheap (although we live in a much LCOL).

      Do you have life insurance? That’s essential with young kids so you don’t burden their guardians if you both die. We have $1M on me and $3M on DH, which is roughly proportional to our incomes (also he has good job security and would want to keep working if I died, whereas I’d want the option to stay home at least for a while).

      1. This, and you want a term life policy, not whole life. And more important than that is long term disability insurance. it’s pricey, but you’re more likely to get injured than die. If you die your minor children will get your social security until 18 and graduated from high school, so though I have life insurance, I prioritize LTD. My dad died with 2 minor children.

         1. We have life, LTD and STD taken care of.

   3. Your limits for bodily injury liability are not high enough. $20,000 or $40,000 is basically nothing if someone is hospitalized due to an accident that is your fault. Bring your limits up to about $250k/$500k and buy an umbrella policy, which will attach over your homeowners and auto liability. They will require you have higher underlying limits.

      I’m confused as to how you got the limits you currently have – why do you have such a high limit for property damage to others but not bodily injury to others? Speaking as an actuary, that’s where you really need protection.

      1. I think the OP has 100k bodily injury. Bit I agree she should increase it + umbrella. Umbrella requires a higher level in most cases. We go to the max. Cars are the most dangerous parts of our daily lives. Our family has already been devastated twice in underinsured driver accidents.

         1. Yes, rereading my policy. It says 20k/40k “compulsory” bodily and then down below it says 100k/300k “optional bodily”. So 20/40 must reflect the state minimum requirement, as someone else noted is required in MA, and then we optioned up to 100/300.

            So, is 100/300 sufficient?

            1. Get an umbrella quote and they will tell you their minimum attachment point. I’m guessing you’ll need 250/500 at a minimum.

               100/300 is not enough by itself. You definitely need that umbrella.

      2. Agree that bodily injury limits for others, and for your uninsured motorist coverage (and does that include underinsured motorists?) are far too low. Awards for death or permanent injury can easily go into the millions. If you or dh are killed or maimed in a car accident, something like $40-$100k from the other driver and $40-$100k from your own underinsured motorist policy would be seriously inadequate to cover lost income or care costs.

   4. MA Insurance person and your BI is shockingly low at state min of 20/40. I’d up that since you look good on all the other coverage.

   5. If you have investment balances, you want an umbrella policy that will kick in before someone would come after your life’s savings. There are generally minimums on your underlying policies like auto, so your agent will tell you what you’ll need. You don’t mention deductibles, but you can consider raising a deductible to lower your policy cost, too. I think our auto is $1000 and our homeowners is $2500 — I wouldn’t think of filing a claim for something below those limits anyway (and I wonder if our homeowners should be even higher). If you don’t have a sewer backup rider, that’s a good thing to have.

      Consider your topography and whether flood insurance makes sense. Something like 40% of flooding happens outside designated flood plains, so if you are on a hill or have vulnerability in a heavy rain, it’s worth considering.

   6. Are you or DH eligible for USAA? If so, you almost don’t need to do what I am going to propose: that you price the cost/coverage/Best’s rating for three carriers before deciding.

   7. LIFE INSURANCE & LTD!!!!
      Hopefully you’ve maxed out whatever is available through your employers, but it is so so so important, esp. with young kids, to have term life policies & strong long term disability coverage. Go to a broker who will get you rates from several companies. Once you do, make sure you pay that premium on time! It is way too frequent that someone forgets to pay, misses all the termination notifications as junk, then the policy isn’t there when it’s needed.

      1. Yes, those are covered. Specifically asking about homeowners and auto, and possibly umbrella.

         Plan on using an independent agent to price these out, too. Appreciate all feedback so far! Allows me to call the agent with some prior knowledge/context!

         1. Good for you for taking time to think about this. You are reminding me that I need to do it too.

8. I just bought some beige suede loafers and want to keep them in good shape. What’s your favorite protective spray for suede shoes?

   1. Following with interest. I like suede but fear I’m too clumsy for it.

   2. Follow on, will fabric scotch guard work for leather sneakers?

   3. Don’t wear them outside!

      1. +1

   4. Most of the sprays are the same (toxic…) chemical. I buy whatever. Probably have Kiwi right now or whatever was on sale at the cobbler that I grabbed last time I was there. I also have the little Kiwi maintenance kit with the brush and eraser.

      For my beautiful suede weatherproof Aquitalia or La Canadianne boots, I re-protect them every year – either on my own or bring to the cobbler if I am too lazy/busy. But for my suede flats… which are not meant to be weatherproof…. I try to minimize wearing them outside (never in weather) and realize that their lifespan is brief.

      I love suede shoes though. Mostly have suede flats, a couple pairs of heels, and booties/boots.

   5. I have been using Saphir shoe care with great success. They have great products for smooth leather (Renovateur, Creams, Wax) and suede (protection spray and color refresh spray). I have had the same par of light beige and light blue suede loafers for 3-4 years now and they look good as new. Just spray them generously while they are fresh out the box and then reapply every few weeks.

      1. Also, I got soaked in summer rains in those loafers a few times and no damage was done. The rain drops just slipped from surface.

         1. Wow! That’s quite the endorsement of this product. Thank you!

9. Paging Bay Area readers! I have an unexpected window on Saturday for a day trip and I’d like to go skiing. It’s the tail end of ski week – how crowded do we think it will be up there? I don’t usually go anywhere near holiday times but I’m trying to take advantage of opportunities more.

   1. We always go Presidents Day including last weekend and I guess it depends on your expectations and tolerances but we always find it more or less fine. FWIW most of the East Bay does not get ski week (that I’m aware of) so this weekend will at the very least be better than last weekend (given everyone has Presidents Day off).

10. How do you store / organize your daily skincare and makeup? Mine is all in my bathroom, just looking for some inspiration as it’s a bit crowded.

    1. I have a plastic basket under my bathroom sink with all of my daily skincare items, so I can just pull it out morning and evening to use what’s needed. My basket of washcloths for my face is next to it so it’s easy to grab one at the same time. I have a drawer where my makeup lives. The items I use on a daily basis are in a shallow organizational tray at the front of the drawer and I pull that out to use them. Items I use less frequently are in another tray at the back of the drawer. There’s a little room between them where I keep my tweezers and face razor. We have a bin under the other sink for extra toiletries, like extra soap from a multipack or shampoo bought before the last one is empty, and I keep any extra skincare and makeup items there too until they’re needed.
       An alternative approach for makeup, if you have room for it, is an upright spinning organizer. My teenage daughter has one and loves it, but she has room to keep it sitting out in her room where she does her makeup. It’s clear plastic and holds quite a lot. We ordered it from the usual online shopping source. I prefer not to have that out on my bathroom counter all the time and I’m not sure it would work well to take in and out of a cabinet even if I had room for it, so I went a different route.

    2. My master bath has these tall, inset cabinets (sort of like medicine cabinets), that are about 6 ft tall. They are amazing. I can display everything on their glass shelves and nothing is blocking anything else. I have a bunch of little Container Store containers/drawers and cute trays and things inside to group products. Most of my makeup is sorted in acrylic drawers, makeup brushes are in cups, and I use small drawers for things like foundation sponges and q-tips. My skincare is standing up in trays above my makeup shelves. When I’m done, I close the door and it’s all neat and tidy.

    3. I got a clear plastic “hair tools organizer” from Target and everything I use on a daily basis is in it, including using the cup portion for my hairbrushes.

    4. Daily skincare products – pretty enough that I have them set on a small tray for easy access.
       Makeup & hair accessories – stored in a small 3-drawer organizer in the cabinet. 1 drawer for daily makeup, 1 drawer for backups & occasion products, 1 for barre-tt-s and hair elastics and claw clips.

    5. This may not apply to you, but I recently went through all my makeup and divided into three categories: stuff I use daily, stuff I use a couple times a year, and stuff I don’t like or use but feel guilty because it was expensive. I gave away the third category. I got a cute caboodle and put my couple times a year stuff in that. Then my daily stuff is just in a bag in my cabinet or out on my counter where I can see it. This is working fine for me: I don’t have a ton of makeup though so YMMV.

       1. OP here. I think part of my problem is that I try to rotate through items that aren’t my A+++ items because I’ve already paid for them and want to get use out of them & not be wasteful. Maybe I should try to get over that mindset. Because it honestly results in having too many things out.

11. I’m looking to buy myself a few pieces of gold or silver jewelry for an upcoming birthday. Probably would be a necklace plus a couple pairs of earrings, maybe a ring if I find just the right one. Budget is up to a few hundred per piece. I’m looking at Mejuri and liking what I see. What other retailers have a similar aesthetic and price point?

    1. Happy early birthday! Check Gorjana and Catbird.

       1. Thank you! Trying to make the best out of a big milestone birthday that I’m not very excited about…

          I like the Catbird stuff, and wasn’t aware that Gorjana has fine jewelry. Thanks!

    2. I’m mildly obsessed with Mejuri. I have a wedding ring, two tiny hoop earrings that I never take out, and my eternity band is scheduled to be delivered today. Their customer service is excellent. I have not found similarly priced jewelry elsewhere but I’m interested to hear other responses.

    3. Goldeluxe

    4. I’ve gotten some great pieces from L.Priori.

    5. FWIW I love everything I’ve bought from Mejuri. And they package and wrap everything so nicely it’s a really fun treat to open!

    6. Check Aurate, too – they periodically have at least 20% off sales, so look for one of those.

    7. I’ve found Mejuri to be better quality than Gorjana, at least with the items I’ve purchased. You might also check out Sarah Chloe. Jenny Bird is more trendy. Next level up, Jennifer Fisher.

12. Totally realizing this isn’t a substitute for seeing a doctor and receiving medical advice, but wanted to get the groups thoughts and/or experience. I have mild hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) that I usually feel the symptoms coming on and can eat, drink a few sips of soda, etc. and handle it. Tuesday night I woke up extremely dizzy, sweaty and nauseous. The dizziness subsided and I eventually vomited which alleviated the nausea, but yesterday, Wednesday, and today I continue to feel lightheaded (not dizzy), slightly nauseous and in general weak and fatigued with a mild headache. My best guess is my blood sugar dropped while I was sleeping and it’s just taking a few days to recover and for my body to return to its’ “normal” state. Curious if anyone else has hypoglycemia and has experienced this before? Thanks so much in advance!

    1. Is it definitely hypoglycemia related? Maybe some other weird thing that you caught?
       Regardless, I would go see a doctor.

    2. I mean, you do need to go to a doctor to discuss this. These sound like concerning symptoms. I will say as someone who has gestational diabetes I am supposed to eat a hearty bedtime snack that’s high in fat/protein before bed – it sounds like that would be in your best interest as well.

    3. Sound like it could be a lot of things. My guess would be foodborne or viral.

       1. I read once that when people think they have the “stomach flu” or a 24 hour stomach bug, it’s more than likely foodborne.

          1. The stomach “flu” (norovirus) can be spread through contaminated food, and in fact that’s been documented as a main source of spread in cruise ship outbreaks. So foodborne and stomach flu aren’t at all mutually exclusive.

             1. That’s true – I was using foodborne as a shortcut for basically bacteria / food poisoning, rather than viral contamination.

       2. Could be! I wouldn’t know how to distinguish that from an episode of dumping syndrome though.

    4. So… what was your blood sugar during these episodes?

    5. Consider benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. Little pieces of calcium in your inner ear become dislodged and then cause vertigo and related symptoms. It can take a little while to completely resolve.

    6. This sounds like something else. Hypoglycemia symptoms should resolve after your blood sugar returns to normal. You shouldn’t need days for your body to return to normal.

       1. Honestly this kind of depends. I have hypoglycemia (diagnosed by a doctor after a glucose tolerance test). I’ve had several episodes where I fainted from low blood sugar and it absolutely takes me at least the rest of the day to recover. Feeling off for a few days is not out of the question.

          Having said that, the OP’s experience doesn’t sound like mine. Recognizing that every body is different, I’d suggest going to a doctor about this.

    7. It’s definitely possible for blood sugar to drop while sleeping. Your doctor may need to prescribe a CGM to see if this is happening since you can’t test your blood sugar while you are asleep! (And it will probably be self correcting by the time you wake up — thanks to the massive adrenaline dump that makes you feel terrible for a while after.)

       Many doctors are negligent when it comes to diagnosing causes of hypoglycemia. It’s not really enough to just be told to eat if it happens. You need to know if your hypoglycemia is just reactive or also fasting; you need to know if you are running high insulin levels (what if you have an insulinoma?) or if you have a glycogen storage disorder or an autonomic disorder.

13. Out of curiosity, is any one else who was laid off long ago still stressed about it? I’m over my ‘09 layoff for the most part, but I still have stress dreams where I’m laid off or fired. (And from that same job, again!)

    1. My parents were laid off in the great recession (I was a teenager) and I’m still stressed about it. I saw how long it took for them to get back on their feet, how it messed up their retirement savings, how we struggled for a long time. I never, ever want that.

    2. I didn’t get laid off, but my husband did, and we had a baby during that window (all of a sudden, we got into daycare, likely because someone else got sacked). I’m driving the minivan I bought then, just sort of happy to have a free car but realizing that it’s replacement is going to happen (and no doubt, that will be the straw that breaks the economy’s back).

    3. I was laid off in 2013 and it took me a year and a half to get a job. I had made biglaw money for nearing a decade so floating for that long wasn’t tremendously financially stressful, and I don’t have nightmares or anything now but I will say it has colored EVERY employment and money decision in the last decade. As in – I have less than zero employer loyalty and could care less about work. Complete 180 from my working 80 hours a week and taking on hard projects and keeping everyone happy personality pre layoff. I very much took it as – this will never happen again, where I work super hard, get laid off, and then am at the whim of another employer to take me to make money. So I was adamant right then to set up an investment portfolio or rental apartment portfolio or something to where if I got laid off again, it would be even less of a concern. It’s now a decade later, I’m in my mid 40s, I’m still working for a big employer, but at this point I feel like I work basically to invest and/or to gather my capital to start my own business at some point. IDK if I will start a business or not, but if not, it’s not like having the capital hurts.

    4. Yes. DH lost his job and mine was extremely precarious, and it’s colored my world view permanently. I don’t worry about losing my job (I have, not coincidentally, ended up in government) but I have become overly conservative with our finances. We have more than a year’s worth of our combined salaries sitting in cash, which I know is dumb but I saw the market tank and I sleep better at night with that much in reserves.

       1. Same. We have $150k in cash, most of it in a HYA, because of past scares. It has let us face some challenges in the past two years without panicking which was helpful.

    5. I’ve been fired and laid off and it traumatized me so badly I had to get therapy and still have anxiety over it.

    6. I was fired once completely out of the blue. To this day 30 years later I still worry that it will happen again.

    7. Hm well in hindsight my one layoff very late in my career was one of the best things that ever happened to me, after being paranoid about being laid off for a long time. But it was still hard to process when it happened and I do find myself remembering that day a lot. I dreamed about it not too long ago!

       But when I think about it, I remember that I hated that job, and this one particular very senior exec who caused me to lose my job – which was weird, how personal and petty it all was – but in the long run, they did me a favor and it has all worked out beautifully. So when I fixate on it, I try to put it into that perspective.

       Hang in there! It’s normal to remember traumatic events.

    8. Yes, I haven’t managed to shake those same feelings when things get rough at my current company. When there’s a lot of tension and fear in the office, I get transported right back to 2008/2009 era.

    9. I wouldn’t say stressed exactly, but graduating law school in 2010 and all the drama that came with it (getting no offered at my summer firm in 2009, graduating without a job and having to cobble together side gigs to pay the rent for a year) permanently affected me, even though I ended up in Big Law on the ‘traditional’ path by the fall of 2011. I always knew I was expendable and never felt any loyalty to employers.

14. My teeth have shifted in the past couple of years, and I’m trying to convince myself it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t impact my bite that much, i just think it looks bad. I’ve done Invisalign but I didn’t get a retainer (long story) so I think that’s why my teeth continue to shift. I didn’t have braces as a teen but I’m considering them now – I’m late 30s. But I am loathe to spend a bunch more money if my teeth are just going to shift again. Any advice?

    1. Unfortunately, if you don’t wear a retainer (or get a permanent retainer) after Invisalign or braces, you are throwing money away.

       1. Why did the boomers with braces not need retainers? I know so many people in their 30s and 40s who had braces as teens, never wore a retainer, and teeth have shifted. But I also know a ton of boomers who had braces as kids, never wore a retainer, and have not had any issues. What changed?

          1. I don’t know what changed, but I can attest that as a Gen X (I know you want to call me a Boomer but I’m not) who had metal braces as a kid, I never wore my retainer (it never fit and my Ortho insisted that it did so wouldn’t fix it), my teeth have barely moved in 30+ years, despite significant grinding due to working as a lawyer.

          2. Your top teeth don’t shift much but your bottom teeth will shift. I know plenty of boomers with straight teeth on top but their lower ones are crooked. It’s not immediately obvious so you might not’ve noticed.

             1. +1 this is me.

          3. Have you really looked at boomers’ smiles? Their teeth have definitely shifted.

          4. Everyone needed retainers. I don’t know where you got that about boomers. I’m older Gen X and I certainly had retainers, as did everyone I knew!

             Whether we all actually wore our retainers is a different story…

             1. I’m a boomer, had braces, wore a retainer for 2 years, which is what was recommended at the time, and my teeth have shifted. My bite is not as bad as pre-braces but is pretty off. Ditto for my sister, and many of my boomer friends. My kids have retainers for life.

          5. Boomer here and I wear retainers and have since orthodontia. I did not go through wearing headgear, rubber bands and full metal jacket to mess it up because I skipped my retainers.

       2. I have a permanent retainer, I should wear my other one, but the permanent keeps things from moving too much.

    2. Would you wear a retainer after being done with the braces? Otherwise this cycle will just keep perpetuating itself. Waste of money/time to get braces unless you’re going to do the retainer.

    3. when I finished braces as a kid at 17 yo I recall vividly the retainer person telling me to wear it to protect my parents’ investment (ha ha) but that eventually my teeth would stop shifting…

       Nah. 20 years later and I still have the same retainer. If I don’t wear it for 5 days, I’m in a world of hurt when it goes back in. Your teeth will shift for the rest of your life, you have to decide how much you care about it.

    4. You need to wear a retainer. I have a permanent one on the bottom and those teeth haven’t moved at all in 25 years. I never wore one on top and they started to shift a bit, but wearing a night guard stopped it (and protects my teeth and jaw).

    5. Gotta get a retainer. I got my braces off nearly 30 years ago and wear it a few times a week for a few hours. My teeth are still straight.

       1. I should mention that it isn’t too late to get one. With a retainer, you can keep your teeth where they are now and prevent additional movement.

    6. You need a retainer. I only wear mine overnight once every 3-4 weeks but that’s enough to keep my teeth aligned.

    7. I’m aware of the need for a retainer. The dentist that did my Invisalign closed its doors without warning in the middle of my treatment so I never got a retainer.

       1. So do Invisalign again and get a retainer? Your question was advice on next steps and whether it would be a waste of money to get braces again. No, it wouldn’t, if you get a retainer this time.

       2. You should be able to get one from another dentist! My retainer broke after I moved across the country from my orthodontist, and my dentist got a new one for me by making a new mold.

          1. You used to only be able to get retainers from an orthodontist. Now my dentist will order them for under $200 and you only need a scan, not a mold.

    8. Yeah, use a retainer. I’ve had a permanent retainer since my braces came off at age 13. In my early 20s, the original one snapped and I wasn’t able to get into the orthodontist for a few days. And it was CRAZY how quickly my teeth started moving, even after being locked in for 10 years.

    9. Thanks everyone! I’ll compare cost of braces vs Invisalign and make sure I get a retainer this time!

       1. Why would you do braces unless your case requires them!? Sounds like if you have minor shifting you should only need Invisalign. Braces are more expensive and much less comfortable!

    10. Depending on how much your teeth have moved, you might be able to fix it with just a retainer. When I was a child, my orthodontist used a retainer to fix my teeth because they weren’t that bad so they didnt’t need braces.

15. This is my Platonic ideal of a warm weather casual shirt. It would not occur to me to wear it to work, except possibly in navy or black on a weekend.

    1. I really love this, but I fear that it’s me looking at my fantasy life rather than my actual life. It feels too casual for the workplace, and most of my weekends are spent in athleisure.

       1. You could absolutely wear this with athleisure pants. I honestly don’t know what “athleisure” tops are in spring. Just tshirts?

       2. I’ve recently been getting ads for Unionbay (I’m an older millennial) and they have a very cute-looking, 100% cotton gauze hoodie. For your athleisure needs :)

    2. I have a very similar shirt and it gets a fair amount of wear. I wear it to work under a sweater vest or casual blazer. Caveat that my workplace is VERY casual. For the weekends it tends to relegated to warmer months for wearing over a tank.

16. How do I find a reputable vendor to buy those paper glasses for the eclipse next month? I live almost in a sweet spot for where it is passing over. I don’t want to just buy anything that claims to meet the appropriate standards.

    1. Call your optometrist, a lot of them order in advance as a promo item

    2. During totality you don’t need glasses!

    3. They should say ISO 12312-2

       Honestly, I got mine (in store, not online) from Walmart. I figure a brick and mortar store with a legal presence in the US, and big enough to have lawyers to yell at them, is going to source these appropriately

    4. For the one a few years ago, I got them from the local university that I work for. The public library was also giving them away.

    5. If you have a local science/natural history museum, they might be selling them.

    6. eclipse.aas.com (American Astronomical Society) has links to companies that sell glasses that meet the ISO standard.

       1. This is what I was hoping someone would have. Thank you!!

17. Has anyone ever motivated their later 50s aged spouse or parent to work out or is it one of those things where it has to come from the person himself and nothing you say will move the needle? Looking for advice, commiseration, stories.

    DH is in his mid to late 50s. Drs. for the last few years have been telling him he needs to work out because he has the start of a neuro or vascular systemic issue, and it’s much easier to manage if you go into your older years strong. Fortunately it isn’t anything major and most people aren’t affected until much older, but this isn’t the type of thing where anyone can just write a prescription. Drs tend to agree that things like working out and building muscle helps. We’re not talking marathon training here – just the standard 150 minutes of moderate exercise with something else like resistance or strength training or yoga.

    DH is an intellectually smart person but overly analytical – an engineer. We both also come from a culture where working out, playing sports etc. was never prioritized. It was always about school, work, and then relaxing by sitting in front of movies or eating. He really values dr opinions so he’ll constantly go to follow ups, but working out – nope, that requires effort. He’ll read about working out and its benefits but won’t do it. If you suggest yoga, the man who spends hours a day scrolling his phone will say – but what do I do – as if he can’t google five yoga poses and start with those. If he does work out, he’ll walk for three days and then it’ll be like whatever this is making no difference. Every option is on the table from gym to home machines, classes, personal trainer, taking up a sport.

    Part of it is that he just wants someone to prescribe a pill, which doesn’t exist. Part of it also is that he’s always been thin so he’ thinks working out is only if you’re heavy. He just thinks muscles or strength – eh whatever NBD. We have two daughters who he’s close with. One is pretty active so if she’s home and asks dad to go on a bike ride, he will, but she’s off in grad school so this happens once every few months. The other daughter is very much daddy’s girl and very similar to him in thinking, so she is forever discussing working out but then also making excuses for why dad doesn’t work out, how hard it is etc. and then he runs with those. Their relationship is their relationship and I don’t want to mess with it, and I don’t think this is either kid’s obligation – they have their own lives to build.

    DH kind of sees it as – so what everyone declines with age. But my view is if our daughters choose to marry or have kids, I’d like to not only be present like some elderly relative but really be active and enjoy that phase. If we travel after retirement, I’d like to enjoy it, not just sit in tour buses as long as we can avoid it. And btw he is the pouty type in many ways so while he says he’d be one hundred percent fine if I were off hiking or traveling in retirement if able even if he couldn’t, he would NOT be ok with it and would be guilt tripping to get me to not do things. But I’m also sick of feeling like his mother harping on this issue. WWYD.

    1. Ugh, I feel this so hard and I have a close friend who does too. We were just talking yesterday about how her husband (who spends HOURS playing computer games) talks about exercising again but then refuses to do anything that’s a “long drive,” even though they can be hiking in world-class, beautiful mountains (the Cascades) within 90 minutes at the most. He could literally get to the top of a gorgeous peak in less time than he spends playing a video game on a weekday. But he won’t do it and she thinks she can’t cajole any more than she does. She always invites him to join her on hikes and he’ll only go about half the time.

       My thought is that you should do fun, active stuff if that’s what you want to do – and it sounds like you do for your eventual retirement as well. Live the life you want and invite him. A sad, sedentary retirement isn’t inevitable.

    2. This is a very hard situation. I think you can needle him, I think you can be blunt about your worries, but in the end, only he can decide for himself whether he’s going to prioritize his health. And that’s a hard spot to be in.

       1. This is correct. Here, he wants to be back to his lifeguard body. But a million bad habits get in the way. Blame the kids, the job, the dog, but even a bit of change would start moving the needle and 15 minutes of exercise beats 0 (I’d love a 3-hour block to get to a gym, workout, shower, hit the sauna, etc.). We do what we prioritize. Hope is not a strategy.

    3. Do you both do things together now, like hiking on the weekends?

    4. I think this is a you issue, not a him issue. YOU have to learn to let him pout. He’s not gonna change. In the ever-wise words of Senior Attorney, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s shown you exercising isn’t his thing. So you just have to go live your life.

       FWIW, the worst case scenario of this is my ILs’ life. Old injuries and an old mindset left FIL pouting at home for 15 years – he was obese, he was depressed, and he lost all of his friends because he wasn’t a very enjoyable person. MIL, always a happy, chirpy person, wasn’t going to stand by and pout with him at home – she went out and lived her life. She was out hiking and babysitting the grand nieces and on short trips with her sisters, all the while FIL sat at home moping. We all have agency in this life.

       1. I could have written this about my aunt and her late husband. He sat home being grumpy while she went out and enjoyed her life. It wasn’t easy for her, though. It’s a lot more enjoyable to see friends and do things AND have a pleasant spouse who wants to participate in life with you. I feel sympathy for anyone in that position.

       2. Yeah, we’ve had so many conversations about ‘my parent is making this life choice that will objectively reduce their quality of life and how can I get them to change’. The answer usually is that you can’t. You can’t get them to stop smoking, or wasting all their money, and you may not be able to get your dad to change his lifelong habit of exercising. I’d probably tell him once that I don’t want to lose him so young and you’d hoped he would be healthy enough to play with his grandchildren, and you are happy to point him towards a class or workout video or do something together, but after that no good will come from bringing it up.

          1. ugh, I completely misread this thinking you were talking about your dad. please ignore my comment!

       3. I think that was SA quoting Oprah, lol.

          1. It’s Maya Angelou. Wrong black lady.

    5. My husband is in his sixties, and started working out in the past few years. I run and have a trainer, and he eventually decided to have a trainer once a week. I think it was partly driven by he could see my body changing, and partly due to minor health concerns. I encouraged it as something to do where he gets out, meets different people, has something that he does for him.

       Surprisingly, my husband has also come to really like Pilates. I asked him to sign up for a beginner course with me because I didn’t want to go alone (not unusual), and he ended up really liking it. We now take Pilates together twice a week. So, perhaps try new things together and see what sticks?

    6. You’ve known your husband really well for years. Has there ever been a time when you were successful in getting him to make a lifestyle change he wasn’t interested in making, getting him to develop a habit he wasn’t interested in developing, getting him to decide to act on something that didn’t come naturally or easily to him, etc.?
       If so, do that again.
       If not . . . there’s your answer.

    7. WWID? I would do my own exercise, and invite him to join me every time, but I would take “no” for an answer and not nag him or be his mommy. And I would take those trips in retirement whether or not he could participate fully. (I’ve done bike trips with my husband where I sat in the van most of the time and it wasn’t ideal but we made it work.) When I’m in situations like this I always remind myself that I hate it when other people try to tell me what I should do (with the implied “I know more about what’s best for you than you do”), and other people no doubt hate it when I do it to them. So I extend them the same courtesy I would like to receive.

       1. I agree with this in terms of the correct course of action for one-on-one conversations with a partner, but also, it’s OK to say in online conversations that objectively, sitting at home pouting (like in the example above) and losing all your friends and never lifting a finger to change it IS a worse way of life. It’s harder for the family, worse for the individual, and worse for everything (health, happiness, etc.). In that sense, I don’t think it’s so much one judgmental individual saying “I know what’s best for YOU,” but in general, that the vast majority of people who are interested in happiness would say that living life actively and being a nice person is better. My point is that women who are in those positions shouldn’t feel bad for having those thoughts and for thinking their spouses *should* be doing more – especially if the spouses always talk a big game themselves. We’re only human.

       2. +10000

          OP I think you have a bit of magical thinking going on. Sure, it would be great if he worked out. But there are plenty of people who have good exercise habits and still develop health problems. It’s not a cure-all. You have anxiety about his health, but part of dealing with that is acceptance.

          He’s made his decisions, and in fact makes them daily. You’ve made your wishes known. He knows you want him to work out but he doesn’t want to. If he wanted to, he would.

       3. “When I’m in situations like this I always remind myself that I hate it when other people try to tell me what I should do (with the implied “I know more about what’s best for you than you do”), and other people no doubt hate it when I do it to them. So I extend them the same courtesy I would like to receive.”

          This is a particular challenge of mine lately; thanks for framing it this way, SA!

          1. And let me hasten to add it’s much easier said than done! But worth the effort, I think.

    8. So I’m more of your DH in this scenario. I’ve actually started working out more regularly as I’m aging since I’m realizing I feel better when I do! But it has to be self-motivated. If DH nagged me about working out I would feel like a whiny teen and not do it out of stubbornness.

    9. FWIW – you can be attending yoga with your kid like my BFF’s mom does every week or you can sit all day like my mom does. They were very similar 10’years ago. Active lifestyle in your 50s and60s makes all the difference. Look for yoga for men classes or gentle yoga classes in your area or book a semi private yoga lesson with you or a private one for himself. Or monthly sessions with a Physio therapist to give him exercises to do at home. Is there a local walking club? Sometimes being more active in general can help make new classes or activities seem less overwhelming.

    10. You said every option is on the table, so I think getting him set up with a personal trainer would be worth a try. That seems like the closest exercise-based option to a doctor providing a pill!

    11. Does he have friends who take gym classes he might be willing to join? I go to yoga at my local YMCA and a somewhat surprisingly high percentage of the class is men that appear to be in their 50s and 60s.

    12. Does he not feel great? Working out really sucks when I feel tired. There totally are pills for this (even if it’s just something like a B complex). It honestly doesn’t sound like he’s that out of shape if he can hope on a bicycle and go cycling every so often!

        I’m kind of skeptical that working out matters that much vs. just being generally active. But I’m not sure what the “start of a neuro or vascular systemic issue” refers to either. Can the doctor give some concrete suggestions other than some vague thing about getting stronger? Can the doctor prescribe actual relevant physical therapy, for example, if this is a medical need?

    13. Since he will listen to professionals, you might want to hire a personal trainer that comes to the house for workouts for both of you with the understanding that you might be paying for two people and your husband might not join in and that is okay. You have to find one where the personality fits so not the yelly or pushy type but someone who is calm and methodical and can do low impact stuff for both of you.

    14. How dedicated of an exerciser are you?

        I ask because my husband has always been the more consistent exerciser of the two of us and over the years he’s inspired me without purposefully trying to motivate me. He’s never once nagged or mentioned I should work out. Things he does do:
        – prioritizes his work outs and mine (we have 2 young kids, so there’s some extra scheduling involved)
        – tells me when my butt looks good/he notices physical changes from my work outs
        – wants our dates and trips to be active (he’s gotten me ballroom dancing lessons as a gift before, we ride bikes to go pick up food and then picnic in the park etc).

        Basically, he’s an active person and he’s just living his active life and wants me to be part of it too.

18. I’m in house counsel and being asked to come up with a CLE/professional developement policy for a team of lawyers and paralegals. Like how much we get to spend on CLE, how many days a year we can use for it, and the same for leadership/professional development conferences etc. If you’re in-house, what’s your policy?

    1. I’m in house and we do not have a policy and there wasn’t a policy at my last in-house job either. Both companies are 80k+ employees worldwide with good sized law departments.

       We are expected to be current with CLEs obviously, and not spend a fortune doing so. My boss has never once brought up CLEs to me. I just do my thing as cheaply as possible. My CLE hours are work hours so I don’t have to take any special leave time for it.

       We have an ACC membership so pretty easy to do most of them for free – I am involved in my local ACC chapter and we host a one day get them all session that I try to attend every year.

19. I’ve been thinking about your regret about breaking up with a possible SAHD. I’m married to that guy and it’s not good. Giving up is largely about depression and it effects every part of life. When he’s in an episode he can barely leave the house. Most of what he does with our kid is watch cartoons. If you want kids, have kids. I’ve seen marriages where parents are true partners in parenting and situations where one parent has taken on 90% of the load or, for single mothers, 100% of the load. There is nothing magic about men or women in terms of being a parent. Real parents are people are willing to make a commitment to children and make the sacrifices necessary for their wellbeing. If you want to do it, you can do it.

    1. Yeah I was married to that guy. I figured no big deal, he can be a SAHD. And then I realized he was too depressed to be a functional parent. There were other issues, but I thank my lucky stars every day that we didn’t have children together. I’m divorced and remarried to a man who is far from perfect but has a drive to do something in life and cares about his family.

       1. My friend was married to this guy. Now she pays him alimony.

    2. I don’t know if it’s depression, laziness, entitlement, or something else. But it doesn’t translate to being a happy dad and homemaker supporting his classmate wife and her Big Career, which he doesn’t have. I’d expect both resentment from him and putting as much effort into raising kids and maintaining a home and family as he did in getting a job, none.
       (I’m yesterday’s daughter of That Guy who gave up after a mid career layoff)

    3. Yeah, I said yesterday that I often think people here are too quick to jump to breakup, but that’s a situation I would have run screaming from. What you describe is 100% exactly what would have happened. A depressed person isn’t going to magically become undepressed because here are kids around. If anything, having kids is likely to make things worse.

       For context, I graduated in 2010 and also got no-offered from my summer ’09 firm, so I sympathize with career struggles, especially for people who graduated into that horrible economy. But there are career struggles and then there’s never leaving the couch.

20. Low stakes question: thinking of getting my makeup done at a beauty counter in NYC during an upcoming trip. What brand and/or store would you recommend? Need a freshening up.

    1. I have not done this but victoria beckham at bergdorfs would be on my bucket list.

21. Speaking of dental procedures, has anyone had jaw surgery to correct an overbite (top jaw bigger) and also had their wisdom teeth out at the same time? I have an 8mm overbite, not fixable with braces or invisalign and still have wisdom teeth. I’m told that it’s a rough 2 weeks (wisdom teeth alone would be 1 week), but it will fix my bite also (currently, my bottom teeth hit the top of my mouth when I close it). I’m worried about not looking like me, and to judge from some googling, also looking more masculine with a bigger / more prominent lower jaw than I’m used to seeing myself with and also drooling / nerves that apparently go into shock so it takes several months for your face to de-puff and you may be slobbery for a while (yay for liberal WFH but this will be hard to do with any sort of social life). My mom is a school nurse and could stay with me this summer if I have it done then (I’d need a second adult especially day of surgery and likely for several days after).

    1. I had the oppos-te surgery (upper jaw to correct an underbite) and my upper wisdom teeth removed at the same time.

       The worst of the obvious surgery puff was gone in about 2 weeks though looking back in pictures, it was about 3-4 months before everything had fully, fully settled. I was able to handle the pain with OTC meds. The required soft foods for a few weeks were a drag but tolerable.

       I felt like I looked like a better-proportioned version of myself, not a stranger. And a defined chin is elegant!

       1. Oh sorry, it wasn’t clear to me – are you having your lower jaw lengthened or your upper jaw shortened? I’ve heard that lower jaw surgery is a worse recovery since it’s the mobile bone. But I would 1000% do the upper jaw surgery again. Like, previously I couldn’t eat a sandwich with lettuce on it – the lettuce would just bend between my rows of teeth and drag out as an entire leaf.

          1. OP here — I think it’s lower jaw lengthened with screws but maybe I just assumed that and didn’t get any nuances to how this all works. Will reconfirm. Will meet with them again as we get closer to the projected date (will be after my mom’s school year ends).

       2. Did insurance cover your surgery? We’re trying to get it covered for our kid add having a tough time.

          1. They are reconfirming but the surgery center says yes.

          2. Upper jaw poster here. They did, but it was a slog to have it characterized as non-cosmetic.

22. i’m a moderate democrat – what is a good resource to read to help me learn about candidates for my state’s primary?

    1. Which state?

       1. Texas – in Houston

    2. League of Women Voters’s vote411 website.

       1. +1

    3. I like Ballotpedia sample ballot tool.

    4. Houston League of Women Voters provides a non-partisan guide. You can see exactly what will be on your ballot at the Harris Votes website.

    5. Are you in the 18th Cong Dist? That is an interesting race!

23. CT/MA/RI ladies who love to antique and thrift – teach me your ways! I’m new to CT from the south, and antiquing/thrifting is my biggest hobby. Where are/how do I find the best places?

    Ex. Estate sales — I’m used to checking estatesales dot net and finding many sales on any given weekend and maybe one or two really great sales, but I’m only finding listings for a couple (junky) sales for a 50 mile radius on any given weekend. But I’ve noticed these shops that buy out entire estates (completely foreign concept to me) – so are estate sales not a thing but these shops are?

    Ex. Antique malls – I’m used to former grocery stores or the like turned into antique malls, but these don’t seem to be a thing, but perhaps because of real estate prices. There do seem to be lots of antique sellers on FBMP, and of course there are a number of small shops along that CT antiques route. Are antique shows, whether the big guys like Brimfield or the little ones held in various high school gyms, the way to antique?

    1. AuctionNinja has tons of online estate sale auctions in CT. Not the same as shopping in person but I’ve gotten some really incredible deals.

    2. Have you checked auctionzip.com? Some of the local auction houses where I live will shop estate sales and add it to their inventory. I can check some of the inventory on auctionzip – it’s only a selection but still nice to see.

    3. I don’t do a lot of in-person antiquing, but I do have a few favorite sources in CT that I’m happy to share! Mid Century Collective and Swank do online auctions in New Haven and West Hartford, respectively, and The Estate Artists has excellent, well-curated estate sales along the shoreline.

       1. Does this mean you do online antiquing? Can you share a bit more about that?

          1. Yes, I mostly do it through Instagram! I follow a lot of antiques and vintage dealers (some, like the above, that are local to me for bigger items that would be hard to move or that I’d really want to see in person before buying, but some all around the country for smaller items). Some of them have official auctions and sites, and some do a lot of sales through their stories, etc.

    4. If you’re on instagram, follow the Makerista. She has a private subscription for thrifting and I am sure it is well worth the $20 a year or whatever it is; I don’t have it but I’ve followed her for a long time and really like her. I pay her for her home building subscription and really like it a lot – enough to keep giving her a couple bucks a month – so I can see how she treats a subscription customer based and I definitely think the value is there.

24. I’m planning on retiring in about 2 years. We have enough accumulated but one things I’d like to get a better handle on is building and implementing a deaccumulation plan. I know I should have a couple of years of cash-like investments as a buffer from selling off investments in a down market. I’d also like plan for some Roth conversions in the year or two following retirement when your income will be low.

    Can anyone recommend any books, websites, blogs, etc.? I’ve tried googling but most sights are product-oriented and that’s not what I’m looking for. I like the Retirement Answer Man podcast. Acutally he’s the guy that cued me into to planning for deaccumulation but I want a more focused approach. TIA!

    1. Bogelheads.

       1. +1

          This is really excellent for anonymously posting your financial situation and asking for recommendations like this. You can spend a lot of time reading prior posts here too. One thing – the fundamental philosophy of this site is a simple low fee index fund strategy of investing that ideally you can manage yourself. Simple, in many ways, and high yield.

          Then, consider getting a fee-only financial planner (if you can somehow get a reputable recommendation….. very hard to find) for a 1 or 2 time visit to review all of your info and help set up some guidelines/recommendations. Someone who will NOT sell you anything, or want 1% of your investments ongoing, but someone who reviews your financial situation and answers questions/gives advice.

25. Anyone here familiar with Kibbe types? I’ve been struggling with how to dress my softer body. I’ve always been very curvy but I could get away with more when I was a size 2-4 than now that I am a 8-10. A friend told me about Kibbe types and while I am clearly a theatrical romantic, I find most of the clothes uuuuuuugly. The wrap dresses, draped necklines and ankle pants I can sort of get behind, but everything else looks ridiculous.

    So is Kibbe typing worth it? Just hype? Nonsense?

    1. Neither hype nor nonsense. On some of the fashion forums where I’m active, a few people seem to be extremely into Kibbe. They love it and love learning all the stuff about it and going deep into the rabbit hole. MANY others find it incredibly obtuse and stay far away from it. It sounds like you found the piece of info from it that was helpful, and the rest of it isn’t helpful to you. So I’d suggest evading the rabbit hole and moving on.

    2. I think it’s worth watching a couple of videos. Sort of “this will make you look like a linebacker” is good as background but 2024 cloths are just weird / bad mostly and that’s for the youngs. As an older women shape-shifting her way through perimenopause, I just want age-appropriate things that I can find in my new sizes. I have instead starting mid-size fashion on Insta (once you like one, the algorhythms send you lots more). THAT has been helpful.

    3. I found the Kibbe typology very helpful. It validated my feelings that long hair, bold lipstick, ruffles, big boxy styles, and dainty prints look bad on me, emboldened me to lean into what does work for me (for example, if I want to look feminine I need to have short hair), and gave me a few ideas of new things to try. I use it as a tool, not a rule.

    4. This is a late reply, but I really like The Style Key for formulating style goals and guiding what I want to wear. It’s much more about how you want to feel in your clothes, and less about rigid body rules. Style Key incorporates Kibbe and Archetype systems, and has a fairly active forum on the Red it site.

    5. I found it somewhat helpful, if only because it verified why I didn’t like wearing certain clothes or always felt like I looked bad in them. I don’t follow it to the letter, but it was useful in helping me figure out that softer is better, extremes don’t work for me, and there’s a reason why I’ve gravitated toward more classic styles and often feel like an awkward turtle in super trendy items.

    6. For me it’s one of those “take what you need and leave the rest” type things. Finding outfits that echo and flatter the natural “lines” of your body makes intuitive sense to me. I always would feel frustrated during the “twee” years when things would technically fit and zip but look like I stole it from a fleeing villager. Finding a Kibbe “type” that was about long lines and volume made a lightbulb come on. I found that I was already naturally attracted to quite a bit of the “recommended” things.
       I think that combined with “your colors” and a couple other “systems” (like learning about proportions, for example) can make for a dramatic and powerful difference in how effective your overall “look” is.

26. Can I poll those of you who have tattoos? I have always been staunchly anti-tattoo, but I am starting to reconsider. I’d love to know where you put it and how you feel about it now.

    1. **anti-tattoo for myself!

    2. I have 6 very large tattoos, which in total form two half sleeves on my upper arms and cover my whole back. I really love my tattoos and I think that’s in part because I carefully picked the artists and they are truly ART, people stop and stare all the time and my tattoos have won a few awards. I want more tattoos but they’re expensive, my oldest tattoo is 12 years old so I’ve loved them quite a while. This is a very niche thing, but there was a period of time when one of my tattoos was like internet famous and it was really weird, so I guess be ware that’s a possibility if your tattoo wins any awards you might have people pretending it’s theirs.

       1. One of my tattoos got knocked off! It was years ago but so weird to see.

          1. So glad to here I’m not the only one with this bizarre experience. It’s permanent, I don’t understand why folks aren’t original!

    3. I have one on the back of my shoulder, and my only regret is not putting it where I can see it more! Got it about 20 years ago, when I thought ‘oh I could never have a visible tattoo in my professional office based career’… but things are different now, at least in my relatively casual industry and with working from home being so normalized. It is also a design I had wanted for a long time, so I was quite sure I’d not get tired of it or regret the look. Application hurt, but not unbearably so. My next one will be somewhere I can see and enjoy it every day without a mirror.

    4. I have a few small ones in places that are hidden by my clothes most of the time. I was very young when I got them done. Now that I’m nearly 40, I don’t dislike them but feel very neutral about them. Like, would I get more? Probably not. But do they bother me? No. They represent a time in my life when I wanted to express myself and I don’t regret that. It probably helps that I can hide them easily so I don’t get sick of looking at them.

    5. I have two large black work tattoos – one inner forearm and one upper arm (different arms). I’m planning to get more. I was indifferent on tattoos, got my first in my late 30s a few years ago, and love them. I don’t like jewelry so I think of these as permanent accessories that show my personality. I live in an area where tattoos are common, but a large part of my decision to get one and why I love them now is the feeling of owning my own body and loving the opportunity it gives me, including for self-expression.

    6. I have eight tattoos. In my experience once you get one, you’re gonna want a bunch more (unless you really hate needles).
       My first tattoo was on my upper arm, which is a good starter placement (not too painful, can be easily covered, etc).
       Not all of my tattoos are super meaningful, but I like them all for different reasons. I have a little medieval creature on my arm that makes me smile every time I see it. I have to live in my body every day, so why not decorate it?
       My advice for a first timer would be: research your artist thoroughly, go a little bigger than you initially think (it’ll look better), and don’t hesitate to ask for a break/snack when you need it.

    7. I don’t have any, but a friend’s parent had once told them that if they drew the basic shape on their wrist (the desired location) with a marker every day for a year, they could get the tattoo. They tired of it after a month, lol.

       1. This is brilliant, regardless of the outcome.

       2. You can also do the same thing with Henna as an adult so you only have to have it redone every week or so. Gives you a chance to decide if you really want it to be permanent.

    8. I think people look good with a bunch of tattoos or no tattoos. But I am a hypocrite because I have one tattoo. I got it at age 31. I’m 38 now. I was actually looking at it last night and while I don’t necessarily regret it, I’m not sure I will get any more. I had this idea that I was going to get bunch of tattoos in my 30s but that ended up not happening (I had surprise twins and haven’t slept since). It just feels like it’s going to be another two decades before I have time to commit to all the work I want done. OTOH I could see myself getting a bunch of tattoos in my 50s. That would be funny.

       1. My mom got her first tattoo in her 60s! I think I inspired her with all my tattoos, she even went to the artist who did one of my tattoos.

       2. Why is that funny? I got my first tattoo in my 50’s and I don’t find it funny at all.

    9. left shoulder at 19-needs a redo of color
       left chest at 25…that hurt alot, considering a redesign…see hurt!
       right thigh at 25, large black and white – still love
       right shoulder at 26.. large coverup at 60 that has magic and meaning to me

    10. Late but I have five now. One on my inner hip, one on each side of my rib cage, one along the underside of my forearm, and one kind of crawling up the front of my shoulder/top chest to collarbone. I love them and they all have a special meaning to me. None of them are super elaborate like the truly artistic sleeves or intricate large ones I see on other people, but I enjoy them.

    11. I have 10 total (2 “sets”) and one is a large memorial piece, and while it’s absolutely gorgeous, that’s my only slight regret. It’s on my lower inner forearm which makes it hard to conceal for meetings/interviews/presentations and it’s a bit out of scale with my other smaller designs, and it’s also full-color. If I had it to do over, I’d go with a smaller, all black or black and gray design. The rest I do not regret, they are fun and give me a smile when I see them.
        Personally I think most people are either a small scatter design or 1-2 tattoos person or an all-out multiple big full color people.

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