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Updated: Dec 14, 2021 137 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Max Mara

Suit of the Week |

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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

I was perusing The Outnet and was drooling over all the sales they have on Max Mara right now and this suit caught my eye — it has such a glamorous look as far as suits go. Love the red, and I even like the double-breasted blazer. And I think the burgundy top is a great example of pairing shades of the same color together.

(Speaking of Max Mara sales: if you're lucky size 10, this simple black dress on deep discount is calling your name!)

The double-breasted blazer is $723, down from $1645, and available in IT sizes 36-46; the pants are down to $347 from $695.

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Sales of note for 9.16.24

Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Question for any lawyers here who became a lawyer by reading the law instead of attending law school. My cousin is doing this and will be taking California’s First Year Law Students’ Examination in two weeks. This is the first attempt. I’m not a lawyer and I didn’t even know it was possible to become one without going to law school.

    For anyone who became a lawyer this way, in California or any other state where this way is allowed, do you have any advice or things you wish you had a known etc. that I could pass on to my cousin? Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous

      I’d warn Kim that the bar exam pass rate for law readers is much, much lower than the pass rate for people who attend law school.

      • Anonymous

        Ha! I’ve heard about her in the news.

        My cousin is a paralegal who is reading the law through the workplace. Family and finances were not conducive to law school attendance unfortunately so this was the next best option.

    • Cornellian

      So it is possible in a couple states, but it’s generally considered a very bad plan. I looked at the July 2019 bar passage stats, and 17.8% of readers passed, as opposed to 62.7% of folks who went to an accredited law school. She also will not be able to waive in to other states’ bars if she wants to move, because at least the overwhelming majority also require attendance at an ABA law school, not just having passed the bar and practiced in California.

      As for the first year law student exam, literally ONE person passed it last February who read for it instead of attending school. I would prepare for her not to pass it, and to support her in that situation. I’ll post the s*te below

      • Anonymous

        Thank you for replying. I didn’t know the pass rate was so low. My cousin has been a paralegal for 10 years and has the support of the lawyers at the firm where he works. Family and finances are a barrier to law school so this was the chosen path. No plans to move or practice outside of California. I’m sure he knows how difficult it is but I’ll try to be supportive while also being realistic. I know he’s nervous about the exam and that he has more than one chance to pass it. Appreciate your response.

    • Anon

      In VA, you can still read law and sit for the bar exam. I think there are formal requirements for it (maybe 4 years of reading law with an admitted lawyer). IMO, it is not common and is a holdover from the colonial days. In very rural areas / small towns who can’t have a lawyer b/c new lawyer debt is too high, an older lawyer’s paralegal will be admitted this way to continue to do basic wills, traffic cases, and real estate matters. It’s like how these places also don’t have doctors, but you can get basic medical care from a PA or a nurse practitioner.

      • Coach Laura

        Besides Virginia, you can read for the Bar in Vermont and Washington State (where I am and I know someone who did this) and in NY, Wyoming and Maine, you can read for the Bar as long as you work in a law office with attorney sponsors. It’s more of a rural holdover than a colonial holdover.

        OP best of luck to your cousin, I hope it works. I love underdogs.

        • Ellen

          I think Lincoln did this, no? And he became a president of the USA back in 1860. So it can be done.

    • anon

      Does she have a job lined up with her current employer? Or does she want to go out on her own to open a solo practice? It will be very difficult to find a job doing it this way, and this profession is very much an apprenticeship in the early years. If she does not have mentorship in practice and she does not go to law school, this may be a very difficult road ahead even if she does practice. She should also make sure malpractice insurance is attainable (i.e., affordable) for those who don’t go to law school in her state.

      I appreciate the hustle and sorry to sound like a downer, but I would very much want to know the risks in making the decision!

      • Cornellian

        +1. And even if she currently has a helpful employer that will help her for four years, AND she somehow is the one in 26 that passes the bar, she’s stuck with hoping that employer will employ her for life, essentially. I’d really really recommend she not do this.

        I took a look at the sample exams that the bar posts, and it looks like they’re issue spotting essays. She should do every single one of the practice exams possible, and have someone look over her answers against the answer key.

      • Anonymous

        I appreciate your reply and your candidness. He has been a paralegal for 10 years and his firm is supporting him to do this. The lawyers he works with are helping him and he told me he would have a job there if he succeeds. I think being realistic is a good thing and since I’m not a lawyer there is stuff I’m not even thinking of.

      • anon

        Not only that, but let’s not forget that being a lawyer involves more than just learning what “the laws” say. The phrase “think like a lawyer” is cliche but it’s a thing. Unless this person has incredible analytical skills AND can find a mentor who can teach them how to issue spot/the nuts and bolts of his or her practice area…it’s going to be a tough road. Frankly none of this sounds viable or remotely enjoyable.

        • Anon

          I feel like I didn’t learn those skills as a law student. I learned them my first couple of years of practice.

        • Ellen

          I agree it takes time to learn how to think like a lawyer. I had to learn everything I know not from law school but from the manageing partner, who over the years has kept me under his wing as I learned. I think this is the only way to learn.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t waste my time doing this. Putting aside the pass rates (let’s assume he/she is a super genius), being a paralegal is not the same as either being a lawyer or law school. I cannot imagine hiring someone who never went to law school either to work for me or as a client. So that’s dim prospects even if they pass the bar. If this is their dream, get into law school and take out loans/work part time like everyone else.

      • No Face

        I know several people who went to law school part-time while keeping their day jobs. That is a much better plan if you need to work and avoid loans.

    • Anon

      There was an article on this in the CA Bar magazine about ten years ago, when I was a paralegal. The rates are exceedingly low. Like less than fifty people _ever_ had done this successfully in the prior two decades of the article’s publication. And that’s why I headed off to law school!

    • Senior Attorney

      I am going to buy it the very minute I wake up one morning and have grown six inches taller…

        • Anon

          I have these longer legs but they are also much bigger….. I would be in their sister brand Marina Rinaldi, who unfortunately do not make things quite this lovely.

  3. Anonymous

    I can’t see this being worn in a professional environment. The fabric is quite shiny/silky so it’s not really similar to Clinton’s red pantsuits that I thought worked well.

    • Monte

      Completely disagree. It isn’t for court, but I would wear it any place where I wanted to be tailored and put together and statement making. On a panel? Yes. Networking lunch with a bunch of bros? Yes. Meetings with clients — as long as the meeting does not involve painful news. Now that I am writing this, I actually might wear to court depending on the matter. Completely love this.

      • Ellen

        I need to be more conservative, tho it is beautiful, so I will show Rosa. She never looks bad in anything and she has longer legs then me. I recommend it to anyone over 5’7″ and she is 5′ 8. Ed likes Rosa to look good at Merillynch functions so he looks good.

    • Coach Laura

      Obviously not for court. I could see this on a senior business woman at a conference or important meeting. I could see a politician in this – Maybe not in the Chamber but again at a conference or indoor ribbon cutting in a swanky neighborhood (where the constituents are more modern).

  4. Pompom

    Let me preface this with “I love this suit. Lurrrve.”

    Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego!? But make it fashun.

  5. Anonymous

    For those of you who lift heavy, how often do you have DOMS? If you aren’t sore afterwards is it a sign of a bad workout (for you)?

    • anon

      I lift heavy for years (15+ years, combined with other physical activity), used to get DOMS in first 2y, but very rarely after. Personally, I don’t think that you have to be sore to get a good workout. Even when I was training for marathons or ultras, after certain point, I wasn’t sore after long runs. I try to challenge myself each time (weight or reps or heart rate or speed or range of motion), rarely have DOMS, but I have decent muscle mass and fitness level. That is why I do it. I would focus on giving your best and be happy your body learned to cope if DOMS won’t appear.

    • anon

      I’m a powerlifter, but I rarely get DOMS from my regular workout. My experience has been that it happens more with new exercises, and since I focus on the core powerlifting moves, that just doesn’t happen much for me. It doesn’t seem to correlate with strength gains, so I kind of miss it as an indicator but am not fussed.

      • Cornellian

        I haven’t done much heavy lifting in years, but agree that DOMS seems to come from new movements, not increases in weight or reps.

    • kitten

      Pretty much every time but they are very mild for me (mild enough I lift multiple days in a row and hit same muscles with no issue). I increase reps and/or weight weekly and my program switches up every couple months.

  6. anon

    Does she have a job lined up with her current employer? Or does she want to go out on her own to open a solo practice? It will be very difficult to find a job doing it this way, and this profession is very much an apprenticeship in the early years. If she does not have mentorship in practice and she does not go to law school, this may be a very difficult road ahead even if she does practice. She should also make sure malpractice insurance is attainable (i.e., affordable) for those who don’t go to law school in her state.

    I appreciate the hustle and sorry to sound like a downer, but I would very much want to know the risks in making the decision!

    • anon

      whoops meant to post this as a reply- sorry for the duplication! is it still Monday?

  7. Experienced student

    I’m at the point in my career where I ‘need’ a master’s degree, just to have the paper. I have a lot of real world experience doing uncommon high level stuff, this is the type of stuff that professors teach about but only dream about doing. I have done these dream activities many times and I fear it may make getting my degree difficult. Should I lie and pretend I don’t have experience to spare my professors feelings? Downplay my experience? I know there will definitely be times when textbook and real life don’t align.

    • Allie

      What? No. Just be humble and respectful. Try to learn and improve from your Professors.

      • Cornellian

        Agreed. It doesn’t matter if you know better, you said yourself the point was to get the paper. So just study what they want, and give it back to them on the test. Don’t bring your ego in to it, that type of later-in-life students are insufferable.

        • test run

          +1 those students were the. most. obnoxious. in my masters program. They were the worst people to do group projects with because they thought they knew everything and it was impossible to wrangle them into just focusing on what the actual assignment was.

    • Senior Attorney

      Don’t borrow trouble. Don’t lie, of course, but don’t be That Person who has to one-up the professor on everything. Nobody likes a showboater in class, and if you avoid that you should be fine.

      • Experienced student

        I fear just mentioning my experience would be interpreted as showboating which is why I’m tempted to pretend this is all new to me.

        • Anon

          That’s really strange. You don’t know what the classes are going to be like before you’re in them. Why assume you’re the most experienced person there?

        • anon

          This is super weird. There’s a whole realm of possibilities between showboating and pretending you’re new to this.

          Showboating: As a super experienced person whose experience must be universal and I’m so much smarter than the professor who is wrong about x, y, z, here’s my opinion.

          Not showboating: Here’s my opinion. (when called on)

          Not showboating: Prior to school, I did [describe experience) in response to a question.

          Super bizarre response: Oh I have NO IDEA what I’m doing or what any of this means.

          Why is the last your default? Also, why do you think you need to have a degree if you have so much experience. I truly do not understand how this is a thing. If you need the degree, then presumably the degree is valuable so you should go learn things while you get it. If the degree is not valuable, continue relying on your experience. Getting a degree when you think you’re smarter than everyone in your class and your professor is bizarre (why assume that others would not also have cool or interesting experiences) will not be enjoyable for you or your classmates.

    • Anonymous

      You need an attitude adjustment. Here’s an example from public policy. Yes, the one “practical” course on program evaluation in my master’s program was weak, and any evaluation researcher with real-life experience would have done a much better job of teaching it. However, all of the other courses taught important fundamentals that people who learn on the job don’t get. Political theory, economics, econometrics, etc. There are so many “researchers” and “data scientists” out there who learned to plug and chug quantitative analysis in a two-day training session MOOC and think they know what they are doing, but they don’t even know what the Gauss-Markov assumptions are or why they are important. I highly doubt that you are really doing “the type of stuff that professors teach about but only dream about doing.”

      • Anon

        Yes, this. Not going to lie, that line about “only dream about doing” really stood out to me too. In a bad way. LOL. Given the shoddy grammar, I highly doubt it, but ok.

        • Ellen

          She sounds sincere to me. Once we’ve been out a while, we have real life expereince that law professors often don’t, b/c they were law review and just wrote books for years. I don’t think any professor knew about law firm billing practices that I learned on the job. So if that ever came up, I think they would expect to look to people like me to tell the class how to do it.

          • Anon

            LOL – no. No one is looking to you to tell the class how to do it. Literally no one. And idk what kind of law school you went to, but ALL of my professors had practiced and absolutely, 100% knew about billing practices. What even?

      • Senior Attorney

        Right? If OP wants everybody at grad school to hate her she is absolutely on the right track.

    • Anon

      Not pulling punches here: you sound really snotty and condescending. You have not yet started your master’s, but you already know that your professors only dream about having your amazing experience, and that the textbooks say things that Special You know are wrong. You haven’t been assigned these textbooks, haven’t even cracked them open, but you KNOW that you are more knowledgeable than the writers. Your professors will have their feelings hurt by your amazing experience.

      If you were that special, you wouldn’t need a master’s degree. If you somehow are that special and the master’s is, e.g., an MBA, then get an executive MBA from a place that will be filled with students like you and professors who are you but twenty years further along. Otherwise, learn as much as you can.

    • Anonymous

      Oh my goodness you aren’t that special don’t come into it with this bizarre attitude and you’ll be fine

    • anon

      “I have done these dream activities many times and I fear it may make getting my degree difficult.”

      There is no reason that having done these dream activities may make getting your degree difficult unless you are an insufferable braggart about it, or for some reason believe that your experiences outweigh the scholarship on the topics and that your professors/authors need correcting. From the tone of your post and your suspicion that you will hurt your professors’ feelings, I suspect this might be an issue for you. The solution to this non-problem is simple: You don’t lie, and you don’t be insufferable if and when you speak about your experiences. Also don’t be clueless. If you’re writing an essay or an exam, surely you can figure out how to respond with the “correct” answers/analysis based on what the ‘textbook’ says while incorporating some analysis and insights from your own experiences in a respectful and thoughtful manner. Surely someone who has done as many important things in her career as you have can exercise this sound judgment.

    • anon

      There’s a lot going on in this post that doesn’t quite add up for me – if you actually do need the degree, then… you need it.

      I got a mid-career MBA, after I already had C-level experience, and although I was definitely coming from a different place than most of my B-school classmates, it didn’t really matter. I was mindful to not dominate the conversation when we were discussing things where I had a lot of background, but that was more about making sure that the other people in class had a chance to contribute. The profs knew what they were doing, no need to worry about their feelings!

        • Anon

          Best I have is that the OP has landed in a sexy org – staffer on Capitol Hill, widget-making for Big Tech, teapot analysis on Wall Street – or is something like an executive assistant wherein she’s representing the CEO in Board meetings. If she wants to move up, she does need a master’s (and more experience); however, she’s yet to figure out exactly how much goes into politicking, tech, or business decision-making.

        • anonymous

          I actually know someone like this from graduate school. She is involved in some things that can be made sound really cool, but she is not working at the level that she presents. (Family money means not having to work for a sustainable living and the ability to do “cool stuff” for free.) She’s extremely bold about how she describes what she is doing and has an enormous ego and an enormous amount of self-confidence. Posting stuff on medium becomes “regularly publishing on x y and z topics.” She makes up her own LLCs/non-profits. One-off engagements become “advisor to {notable political figure} on [topic],” or “consultant for multinational companies regarding [broad topic].” She describes herself as an expert on multiple areas that you simply cannot gain expertise on in the amount of time she’s been working and with her background–I know because our fields overlap. Working with her in graduate school was a nightmare, although I believe she meant well. She would write this post.

    • The Original ...

      You aren’t in school yet so it makes sense that you don’t understand yet how things work here… 1st, you have no idea what experiences your future professors have had, are having, or will have. 2nd, you have no idea about your professors’ feelings. 3rd, if you show up thinking this way, you will very likely fail because you’ll be so focused on yourself and how you appear to others that you’ll miss crucial elements of assignments, peers will find you arrogant and be unwilling to support you, you will underestimate the time and effort required and not put it into your work, and you’ll decide that any missed points are due to the professors disliking you rather than your not meeting the challenges.

      Stop yourself now. You do not know more, you are not better, you are not doing someone else’s dream activities. How do I know? Because if you knew better, were better, and are doing better, your workplace wouldn’t care about your degree. Instead, they want you to experience all you’re supposed to know to have that degree, which is what that paper shows.

      Your choices are to either not spend the time and money on this degree because you are so certain there is nothing for you to learn that you aren’t already better at than the professors with degrees and experience and who are there to teach you OR you can take some mirror time.

      My hope for you? You’ll spend some time thinking about if this is arrogance or insecurity speaking, you’ll recognize that no one is so smart that they have nothing to learn, and you’ll show up ready to grow and improve. Will you sometimes know a term that another student hadn’t heard before? Sure. Will you find out that a lot of your assumptions or experiences can be improved upon or better understood why the workplace does them? Yes. Will you find out that a classmate has way more experience than you and still is finding much to learn? Very likely.

      A master’s degree isn’t just a piece of paper or the ability to spit back terminology, it’s a style of writing, it’s an understanding of theories, it’s an ability to utilize scenarios, it’s a collaborative process, and it’s expanding minds in many ways. If you go into it thinking otherwise, you’ll miss it all. If you go into it ready to grow, you’ll likely post about your graduation here and how much you’ve learned and improved in your field and as a person.

      Best wishes on a successful experience!

      • AnonMPH

        Meh, I’m with you all that the question/tone of the OP is really weird. But in public health you really do eventually HAVE to get an MPH (or some sort of similar masters degree), and having already started to do technical program work without my masters, it did feel like the program was mostly a box checking exercise. I certainly learned things, like biostatistics and epidemiology, but they weren’t actually necessary to do the jobs that I was applying for. So I don’t think this question is 100% imagining a situation that doesn’t exist. But that said, I selected my coursework so it was most interesting or best provided me with the credentials I needed, networked up a storm with professors and classmates, and continued to work part time to keep my foot in the door at my organization. Even if I thought I “knew better” than the material being taught (or even the professors, if they were several years past the point when they should have retired) I kept my mouth shut, completed the work sufficiently to get good grades, and zoned out during class if it was really boring.

        This is a real possible situation but a non-issue.

        • Anon

          Well I would sure hope somebody in the field of public health would have some knowledge of biostats and epidemiology, even if that’s not the exact work they were doing. There’s a reason there’s a core curriculum.

      • Anon

        Honestly, a masters degree is largely box-checking and IMO only done b/c it is either a gatekeeping degree or needed for advancement or a pay bump. I have a friend who effectively ran a large nonprofit but had to go get an MBA in order to be the head person once the figurehead had a heart attack and went into a consulting role. I wish I could say it added some finesse / competency, but I think it’s just more credits and more debt and not necessarily more knowledge and more opportunities.

    • Anon

      I honestly don’t think there will be much expectation to talk about your experience . Show up, study, learn, participate in class, share appropriately, but I think it’s a non-issue since it likely won’t really come up.

    • Anonymous

      I think there are a couple of ways to address this head on.
      1. You could go to the head of the department, either before applying or after acceptance, and find out what kind of exceptions they can make for your experience. If you describe your dream activities, maybe they can just give you credit that would allow you to avoid any practical courses in which you would make a better professor than student and help to avoid the awkwardness that might occur with a student being more capable and knowledgeable than the professor. If there is no system for that kind of “experience” credit, maybe the head of the department can either steer you away from the courses taught by the less experienced or more insecure faculty who would not give credence to your practical responses to, say, an exam question that is based on incorrect theory or put out a word about you so professors a head’s up and can give you a wide berth or, alternatively, access your depth of knowledge, where necessary.
      2. Talk to your individual professors at the start of each course and let them know where you are coming from and assure them that you understand they are there to teach theory that, in your broad experience, isn’t actually useful when applied, but that you understand that they will be grading you on your ability to parrot back that theory and you will not be challenging them on that either during class, in assignments, or in exam questions. Then you give them room to breathe that you aren’t going to be in their classes one-upping them or showboating.

      • Anon

        These are terrible ideas because they are making enormous assumptions about what the curriculum might entail and they’re an excellent way to make sure you start off on the wrong foot.

      • anon

        OMG PLEASE do not do #2. How can she know that theory isn’t useful when applied when she doesn’t know what the theory is? Do not insult your professors by telling them that their assessment of students is worthless and nothing more than determining whether a student can “parrot back” theory.

        This is the most condescending approach possible — “don’t worry, prof, I won’t challenge you on the limited “knowledge” you believe you ARE able to impart to me. You don’t know me, but I’m more knowledgeable in this area than you. You won’t worried about me at all, but I’m here to let you know that you should be worried about me. I’ll give you space to run your class. Don’t be scared that I’ll show you up, I’m looking out for you.” Jesus.

        The only person I might tolerate this from would be if Barack Obama showed up in my Intro to Community Organizing class for some ridiculous reason.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, the second one in particular sounds like a great way to develop really good relationships with faculty.

        Not.

      • Winter

        Don’t do this. Seriously — Please do not tell your professors that the theory they teach is not useful as applied or that you will parrot back the theory on a test. Do not do ask for special exceptions based on your (perceived) special experience.

        Honestly, many of your peers will also have significant experience. Depending on the field, most people don’t go straight from undergrad to a masters program. Show up ready to learn from your professors and your peers.

  8. Anon

    I would love to see who wears Max Mara (maybe their more basic items) IRL. There are brands I love, but in my city, it seems that women aren’t really into doing high-end workwear (it’s more: rufflepuff dresses + golden goose, mom jeans + allbirds, athleisure; this year’s interns are wearing mid-thigh skater skirt dresses). I have no role models for real big-girl workwear.

    • Cat

      Biglaw partners and C suite execs, in my experience. One has the most droolworthy camel Max Mara coat.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        +1. My (biglaw) mentor has a Max Mara coat that looks beautiful on her. I have a few cute Maxmara weekend items that I don’t actually wear on the weekend (nice tops for work), but I haven’t splurged on a coat yet.

        • Anon

          Political staffer here, I wear Max Mara (not in USA). It seems to suit my style, especially the jackets and coats. I adore this suit.

    • Anon

      I wear some Marina Rinaldi, Max Mara’s plus size brand. I’m a US 18. It’s also pricey but goes on sale. It’s more my really special dresses and one coat than it is everyday wear. I’ve bought it here in the US, and also in London and Paris when there for other reasons.

      They have Max Mara outlets here and there. I bought my coat at one, and it was 90% off full retail, if you can believe it.

      • Anon

        I had never heard of Marina Rinaldi until, like, a week ago and now it’s mentioned in like every thread! (I know this is probably recency bias or something like that.)

  9. Anon

    This mornings discussion about prescription stimulants inspired me to ask a question I’ve been struggling with. It seems that there is great inconsistency in the medical community regarding the prescription of benzodiazepines. Even reading here, someone will post about their meds and someone else will say “that’s unsafe” and a bunch of people will reply that they take the same or higher.

    I have always been conservative with medicating with potentially addictive substances. Historically, I’ve had a xanax prescription to use periodically. Like I get maybe 30 a year and use 20 over that year. I mostly take it flying, stuck in traffic as a passenger, can’t sleep style anxiety. I previously had a doc suggest I take it on the regular and I did not want to do that.

    So, my current dilemma is my doctor has left her practice. In my file it says that my Xanax prescriptions were for flying. Yet, she told me to take them in those other situations, including daily on a trip to a country that was way outside my comfort zone but necessary. None of that made my chart apparently.

    New doc wanted me to switch to an antihistamine. It makes me feel terrible and I can’t function on it. Sure, it knocks me out so I can sleep but it wouldn’t be conducive to being functional after a flight. I told my doctor this and she reduced my dose of the antihistamine for periodic anxiety but gave me FIVE xanax at the lowest dose for flying or severe anxiety where I still need to function. She would not answer how long this is supposed to last me. Do I need to save it for my flight in October or will she give me a new script for that flight.

    Compare and contrast with my husband who get what I consider an insane amount of xanax from his PCP that he uses very sparingly. My husband is also much larger so I guess a larger dose makes sense.

    Here’s the dilemma. All the medical facilities in my town are on the same electronic medical system. I’m afraid to switch docs on the basis that I don’t agree with her treatment of my anxiety because that translates to won’t give me xanax which translates to doctor shopping and med seeking. But I take less than 30 per year so it really shouldn’t be a concern.

    I’m considering going back to the original psych I saw that had tried me to take more xanax than I was comfortable with just to get my regular 30/year prescription but I don’t want to get labeled. I offered to call my old doc which is still in the same practice but in a different specialty now to have her clarify my prior prescription and my new doc does not seem interested.

    New doc is very young. Old doc, psych and husband’s doc are all in their 50s probably. Is this a change in what doctors are learning in med school? Are young docs super scared of the DEA? This seems ridiculous to me and that I’m in a can’t win situation.

    My friend told me to just get a new doc and say I didn’t click with my prior new doc, since I had been with the doc before that for years. She doesn’t think it would look off even if I did bring up xanax. Thoughts?

    I have an appt coming up in September and maybe if I haven’t requested a refill by then my doc will be more comfortable with the situation? I don’t know.

    (And yes, I know the obvious solution is just to take my husband’s that he rarely uses since he is rx’d way more than he needs but I would really rather do this the legal way and not be lying to my doctors which opens a whole other can of worms.)

    • Anonymous

      I can’t comment on your exact situation, but I will say that after watching a family member struggle harder to get off of benzos than he did to get off of opioids (both prescribed during a period of surgeries/medical problems), I’m going to do everything I can to avoid them. My family member’s addiction specialist physician said that in her clinical experience, benzos are the hardest drug to cease.

      • anon

        I’m not surprised. My doctor prescribed Xanax for 2 weeks while my SSRI had time to build up in my system. That was 7 years ago, and they were still possibly the best 2 weeks of my adult life. I’ll never take them again.

      • Anon

        I work in an industry heavily affected by the opioid crisis, and everyone has been sounding the alarm bell that benzos are next.

    • Anonymous

      I started lying to my doctors when I realized they were lying to me. Two can play that game and if they want to try and manipulate me, I can do it right back. It’s been the only way to get the treatment I need, following the rules got me nowhere, well actually it got me a whole lot of s*xism.

    • Anon

      You’re way overthinking all of this and your new doctor clearly just has a different philosophy on this than your old doctor. Have you ever looked into any non-medication remedies for anxiety in these situations?

      • Anon

        Yes. I have done meditation, yoga, hypnosis, therapy, life coaching, support group among others. I’m still doing them except for hypnosis and I don’t meditate as often as I should.

        I agree that my doc has a different philosophy and I don’t necessarily fault her for this. My issue is with any other medical condition (and I have a handful) I can go get a second opinion and the practitioners realize that there are different ways to treat the disease. In my work (prior social services, medical policy and then law) it seems that if you get a second opinion because your doc won’t give you a controlled substance, that is a big giant red flag and most docs don’t want to be the one to prescribe if someone else said no.

    • Anon

      I would ask for a referral to a psychiatrist if my PCP weren’t comfortable prescribing Xanax for occasional use. A psychiatrist who prescribes benzos will be much more comfortable with Xanax and with their own ability to assess your risk factors.

    • Anonymous

      They are potentially very addictive but you have shown you can take them without getting addictive. Talk to your doctor! Tell her how many you have used per year for how long, and in what situations, and see if she will be comfortable giving you a refill when you need one. She probably has a blanket policy, but that doesn’t mean she can’t work with you.

    • Veronica Mars

      All psychiatric providers have access to a controlled substance database in your state (well, at least in mine) which shows all active prescriptions you have (last 6 months and then they drop off). This prevents people from “double dipping” across providers. This is what I’d do, I’d be very direct and say, “This is my treatment plan. It involves fewer than 20 pills per year (focus on the number that you were prescribed or offer to only have the number you need prescribed, like 5 pills at a time). This is what works for my symptoms and I don’t want to switch to another medication given the side effects. If this isn’t a treatment plan you want to continue, I’m going to find a new provider.”

    • Anon

      Tbh it sounds like maybe you should look into a regular SSRI rather than taking an addictive substance 30 times a year.

      • Anon

        SSRIs were so much worse for me and so much harder to quit than benzos ever were. Psychiatry is more of an art than a science I guess. I know it’s the opposite for many.

    • Anon mental health provider

      Prescribers vary wildly–WILDLY–in their policies on controlled substances. Even the same person or practice may change their approach at some point. There are lots of factors involved, including changing regulations and best practices, but in my experience the biggest factor is simply what’s going on with the prescriber’s patient population, or if there’s been a problem identified recently. Abuse of prescription meds is so complicated and hard to manage for PCPs, they only have very blunt instruments and sometimes it may look like an on/off switch to a patient like you. Many patients are in the same situation you are, with either opioids or benzos. It’s not good.

      Having said all of that, benzos carry a really high risk for dependency. For anyone. I personally do not think they’re a good idea other than for short-term, tapering regimens for alcohol detox. There are lots of alternative meds for anxiety and sleep, since these seem to be your concerns. I know this likely isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I would suggest talking to your doctor (or getting a psychiatrist) to explore alternative medications that will cause you less headache to get them, and also present no risk for dependence.

      • Anon

        But does a usage pattern of 20 pills in a year show risk for dependence? I know there are people who should never touch benzos, but there are also people who have no problem with them.

        I think it’s nice to have something fast acting that is also fast to wear off and that has no effect on one’s day-to-day life between the very occasional situational times when it’s needed. Maybe psychiatrists should be trying buspar first to see if it works, but often it doesn’t. Betablockers actually scare me more than Xanax does since they mess with my heart. SSRIs affect every waking moment and really aren’t appropriate for that kind of occasional, situational usage. And what else is there, really? If SSRIs are overkill (and I think they are), so are the other psychiatric options.

        That said, I got sick of the expense and the rigamarole required to refill a Xanax script, and I switched to OTC GABA and NAC. It’s not as good at helping me fall back asleep, but I find it calming enough for the limited situations (e.g., trouble with heights) where it benefits me. Though now apparently NAC is becoming hard to find!

    • anon

      Talk to your current doctor and get the treatment you need or find a new one. Switching doctors once, MAYBE twice, isn’t going to flag you as an addicted pill seeker. Oye.

  10. Anon

    I have friends where the wife is a total POOPCUP, except that the kid is like 9 now. I felt like that sort of think peaked and then tapered off maybe when a kid was potty trained or by kindergarten. Is it terminal if the POOPCUP-ness is still going on? I’m so #blessed to know that the kid is getting into Mensa, etc. but that’s like the whole relationship now: her talking her kid’s accomplishments at the world (and if that’s just how you’re born, is it really even an accomplishment? Like my kid is very tall, but that would be weird to post about b/c no one picks their genes). The dad and I are on a fun pub trivia team that will be restarting outside soon and spouses often come (but not kids, although maybe their kid would help out, mine would be chugging Sprite). I may just need to drink a lot. I guess I didn’t notice it much before, but over Corona, our interactions were more on FB than in person, and maybe in person it’s more muted and actually conversations about stuff.

    • Cornellian

      I learned a new term today.

      I also hate when people brag about how inherently smart their kid is. It teaches the kid nothing (they didn’t do anything to acquire their innate intelligence) except maybe that they’re better than other people and don’t need to work for things. I would just try not to sit near her and politely redirect.

      • Anon

        Or… if you are my parents, you are 100% convinced that I do not have to work hard and just waved my Genius Wand to get top grades. You can even lecture me for “not managing (my) time better” when I refused to visit some every month during graduate school (600 miles each way). It was “funny” to ask me why I “only” got a 98 on a math test because I’m sooo smart that could have whipped out a 100 no prob. Then there was the time during finals in college when they yelled at me for not going to a Christmas party they told me about two days before. Six exams and two papers in four days (dean approved credit overload, engineering), but, ya know, had I just managed my time better, I could have driven an hour each way to my grandparents’ party. So smart, obviously I wouldn’t need to study like a dumb person!

        This garbage does not end well. Your kid will eventually be in a situation in which everyone is smart, brilliant even, and more will be expected. It’s like saying that a phenomenal athlete does not need to do drills. Raw talent is overrated.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, if it’s still going on it will never end. Signed, I know parents of a 15-year-old and a 19-year-old who still act like POOPCUPS.

      • Anonymous

        Parents of One Perfect Child Under Preschool age.

        POOPCUPS are those people who assume that the reason their child eats a variety of foods, sleeps through the night, potty trained easily, etc. is their superior parenting skills and not dumb luck. They brag and judge other parents and push absolutist philosophies such as attachment parenting, RIE, Janet Lansbury, baby-led weaning, that potty boot camp book, etc. They are generally humbled when they have a second child for whom their methods are completely ineffective, or when their one child gets a little older and decides to subsist on a steady diet of grapes, chicken nuggets, and air for two years.

        This parent doesn’t exactly sound like a POOPCUP. She sounds like an obnoxious person who is convinced her child is a genius, which is a bit different.

        • Anon

          In fairness, parenting one easy kid is not that hard, especially if one or both parents has a flexible schedule. A second child more than doubles the chaos; one meltdown can trigger another meltdown; one can draw on the walls just as the other one is getting a blowout diaper cleaned up; sibling rivalry; and instead of having two parents to manage kiddo’s scrapes, boo-boos, or stress, one parent does while the other watches the other kid or does all the extra work that needs to be done for two kids.

          We often remark how much easier it is that both of us can change a particularly bad diaper, rather than having, say, one parent handle the toddler who is trying to stick his foot in his poop while the other parent manages a different kid. One kid needs changing in the morning. One kid needs to be fed and encouraged to eat new foods. If you lack self-awareness, you will think that this is due to your awesome parenting abilities.

      • Anon

        LOL I don’t know the exact acronym but it is something like parent of perfect only child under preschool age?

    • Anonymous

      Kind of gross that that’s what those parents are called. But yes people who think their kids age the smartest and best on earth and no other kid could ever compare tend to ALWAYS be like this. I mean I know parents in their late 70s with a “kid” in his late 30s who are STILL like this. No other “kid” in their social group compares — including their OWN second child (the son can do no wrong, the daughter who is more accomplished than her big brother — whatever she’s not as special as him). To hear them tell it NO ONE went to as great schools as their son (UVa and Chicago – great schools but PLENTY of ivy grads and similar school grads in the social group); NO ONE is as great an investment banker as their son blah blah. Except their son survived in investment banking for all of 18 months before starting a business which is akin to selling retail goods on Amazon; I mean that’s fine plenty of people sell t shirts etc. online and make a living that way but this is hardly the next CEO of Goldman Sachs here.

      I would just step back from these parents if it isn’t a fun social activity for you to spend 99% of your time together hearing about their kid’s latest student council victory or soccer goal or whatever.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I think some people are just like this. I have a colleague who has grown children in her 30s and she is insufferably smug about them and brings them up all the time.

      • anon

        +1. I have a former high school classmate whose dad was a colleague of my mom’s. Apparently, well into my former classmate’s 30s, his dad bragged about his son in every single conversation with my mom. The only reason it stopped is that my mom retired. Oh, it was also weird because this dad had 2 kids, and both were successful, but he never even mentioned his daughter. (And they’re not from a culture or background where a father might have mixed feelings about a daughter’s success, or something like that.)

    • Anonymous

      I think some people are also kind of insufferable on Facebook but basically fine in real life, like their Facebook style is not a good match for mine. If that is the case with these people, maybe disengaging with them on social media, but not in person, is the answer.

    • Seventh Sister

      I’ve noticed that most POOPCUPs are a lot more muted in person. Also if you get to hang around their kid, nine times out of ten the kid isn’t actually smarter/better-looking/more interesting than your own kid. I’m the person who posts stuff to FB that my kids have done that is super, super ridiculous (like trying to clean a microwave by spraying perfume) as opposed to the super, super smart stuff they’ve done (like an essay that got read to the entire grade as an example of how to write an essay).

    • Anon

      My husband knows a woman from his prior workplace who has a son our son’s age, which is 18. I will call her Molly. Molly and my husband follow each other on social media.

      My husband is always telling me about how Molly’s son got this or that honor, the top scholarship, has been admitted to a top college, etc. in a way that compares him favorably to our son’s accomplishments. I am so sick of hearing about it, I have been known to say “we don’t have Molly’s son, we have our son,” in order to shut him up.

      Please remember that people like this never tell you the bad stuff. I try to remind my husband of this all the time.

      We love our kid. He’s doing well. He’s going to succeed in the state college he got into, and we can afford it. He doesn’t want us posting about him on social media and honestly that is fine with me.

    • AFT

      Unfollow her on facebook to preserve what little relationship you have. Some people are awful on social media but palatable in person – I’ve accepted this and deliberately unfollowed people whose social media annoy me.
      Now I’m going to try to bleach the word “POOPCUP” from my brain.

    • Of Counsel

      You will never get her to believe this – but none of this matters a bit to future success.

      I have a friend whose daughter is my kid’s age and who has a son 3 years younger. She were not obnoxious with it but friend has admitted that she secretly thought her excellent parenting was the reason her daughter was the first one to sleep through the night, speak in sentences, be toilet trained, know her colors, learn to read, etc. And then her son was born and she realized that it was pure dumb luck (her son was the absolute last in his age group to hit every milestone and was a nightmare toddler to boot).

      Fast forward 18 years. Daughter is a lovely young woman who is attending this same respectable but not elite college as my daughter. And son is one who got great grades in high school and is going to the much better school. (And by the way is also a lovely young person!)

      My suggestion to to mute her on social media and rest assured that life will probably humble her a bit.

    • Anone

      I totally feel this. As a parent of an underachieving, obnoxious 16-year-old and a happy, well-adjusted, high-achieving 14-year-old, I can tell you that most of how children “turn out” is due to their own personalities, not genius parenting. We were super involved with both of them, enrolled them in the same activities, at the same schools, often with the same teachers. I can’t stand all the insufferable parents who smugly think they’ve got it way more together than we do. I wish I knew more people with your attitude!

  11. Consulting Time Tracking Software

    I’m starting out a new consulting role after leaving my full time job, and I would love suggestions for any good (ideally free) time-tracking apps to help with billing. Ideally, I’m looking for something that can support multiple timers (for different projects) and convert time into a format that is somewhat easily invoiceable. I’ve been trying out Toggl, which has good timer functionality, but it seems hard to export time entries into a file or an invoice, and I’d love to shortcut that process if possible.

    If anyone has used an app they like, I’d love any recommendations!

    • Anon

      I’m an independent consultant and I’m probably no help but I use a bullet journal (but not pretty) where I do my notes and meeting schedule for every day. I just jot down my in and out times for each client and calculate totals at the end of the day. On the first of the month or subsequent Monday, I make a table, again by hand, of my hours per day per client and then generate invoices in quikbooks. It’s low tech but I’ve referred to my book many times when I’m not at my desk and it’s handy to have it all written down.

    • Anonymous

      Is this the first time you are going to have to track your time? If so, make a pact with yourself that you will enter your time into whatever system you decide on every single day without fail.

  12. MechanicalKeyboard

    I LOOOOOOOOVE this suit and the styling. I wish I had the kind of lifestyle that would make owning and wearing this suit appropriate.

  13. Anonanonanon

    I missed this morning’s post but for the person looking for Florence recs: I love Opera at St. Mark’s! Not an opera person but it was just so fun and intimate. I loved my Florence trip a few years ago, and you got a lot of great recs already, but wanted to add this one because it was maybe one of my favorite things I did there.

  14. Anon

    Sometimes there’s a featured look that is exactly how teenaged me thought grownup me would dress, and this is one of them.

    (She said as she works from home in stretch pants.)

  15. anon

    Have any of you gotten over a fear of public speaking? I don’t need to publicly speak for my job, so its not like it’s impeding my career, but I don’t even like to talk in meetings, which are thankfully rare where I work. I get flushed and kind of blank out. I really hate it. What do I do? I’m fine talking in small groups, but once you’ve got more than a handful of people and they’re all staring at me, the panic sets in.

    • Anon

      So lots of people said to do Toastmasters, and that’s probably great advice. But what I actually did was Xanax. It helped enough that just having the Xanax in my purse (knowing I could take it if I needed it) became enough for me. I guess it was almost like my body learned that I would panic before public speaking, and then experience a wash of Xanax calm, to the point where I get the wash of calm without actually taking the pill? So that is what I did.

      Now if I’m unexpectedly put on the spot I may still have trouble gathering my thoughts, but I don’t feel any actual feelings of anxiety now. I wonder if maybe that’s just more that I have ADHD and am distractable when not prepared. But it isn’t psychologically panicky so it feels different to me!

    • Monte

      I love public speaking for work. I hate it in my personal life. Like, I am a trial attorney and I deeply enjoy it, but have refused to give a speech at the weddings and funerals of loved ones. For me, preparation and emotional distance are key. I think that for you, feeling (exceedingly) well prepared might change things. Also, recognize that even for a lot of great public speakers, the beginning is often still nerve wracking until you get into your groove. And if these are opportunities that are just sprung on you without advance warning, there is nothing wrong with being nervous. Many of us are — it is not some deep character flaw.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I have overcome paralyzing stage fright to the point where I can regularly speak to audiences of 500+. The secrets are preparation and practice. Over-prepare to boost your confidence, then get yourself out there and speak in front of people a lot. For speaking up in meetings, you can quickly scribble some bullet points about what you want to say to help yourself stay on topic.

      • Lots to Learn

        This point, exactly. I used to be extremely nervous about speaking in public, but in my job, I had to do a lot of it and I prepared so much there was almost nothing someone could throw at me that I wasn’t ready for. And then over time, people still threw things that I wasn’t prepared for, but I had enough experience saying “good question, I don’t know” that it wasn’t a big deal any more. But over-preparing and just doing it — a LOT — were the keys for me. I’m still not good when I have to speak in a meeting or extemporaneously, but I don’t think I ever will be.

    • Anonymous

      This is not going to be tremendously helpful, but I was ok public speaking (client presentations, training, webcasts, etc.), then I slowly developed a fear of it. I got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t breath — I suspect I was having a panic attack — not great in the middle of a webcast! Then I got cancer and had a break from public speaking due to surgery, etc. When I came back to work after my last surgery, I was ok again. So weird.

      I share this only because, things can and do change. Perhaps think of some confidence building activities for yourself — you got this!

    • Anone

      Yes, I have. It’s mostly practice and confidence, which I’ve slowly gained as a result of age. But my anti-depressants help with my anxiety, too. Just like another poster, I am totally comfortable giving speeches to large audiences on work-related topics; however, still hate to give personal speeches at weddings or funerals.

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