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Suit of the Week: Reiss

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I always like a bright blue suit — and this one looks really lovely. It has almost a denim sort of striation to it, but it's a wool suit. I like the straight-leg pants — they look very modern — and I like the single-button style of the jacket as well. Note that the sizes run large (although you don't have to worry too much because Reiss offers free returns). The jacket (Malani Blazer) is $455, and the pants (Malani Pants) are $245. A matching skirt is $240. Anne Klein has a suit in “indigo twill” in both straight (pants + skirt + jacket) and plus (pants + skirt + jacket) sizes. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!   Our #SuitoftheWeek: a gorgeous dark blue pantsuit from @Reiss! Love the cut of it, and the dark blue is perfect for all seasons but still more interesting than navy...

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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146 Comments

  1. Re-posting, because I posted a bit late in the day for the morning post. Thank you for the ideas so far!

    My husband is out of town on a trip that I really would’ve loved to join him on but couldn’t. I’m feeling down and bummed out. I know people have posted before about what to do with themselves when their spouse and/or kids were gone and there were good ideas about how to really enjoy yourself, but in my current funk I can’t remember what any of those ideas were. If you had a week to yourself, how would you make the most out of enjoying your time?

    1. Do special things that you would do on vacation.

      Go out to dinner/drinks on multiple nights to my favorite places that my partner doesn’t like as much with friends that I never see anymore. Or get take out from those places and no/little cooking for me. Or one night go for an evening facial/pedicure/haircut. And watch all the TV I like that he doesn’t like as much, including Real Housewives. And go to an evening exercise class once. Or sit around reading bad magazines, eating ice cream, calling my favorite girlfriends. And then call my Mom.

    2. Some of us survive every day without husbands or children and we manage. Seriously though, enjoy the time to yourself and stop being sad. He’s gone for a week, you’ll be fine.

      1. I agree, but I also know that it’s a really different mindset. When I was married, I felt similarly about my husband being away and feeling lonely. After my divorce, it took a while to turn that around for myself. So yes, you’re right, but it’s not as easy as it may sound.

        1. I think this is a good point, I used to roll my eyes at these questions. But my dad started traveling a lot for work and I noticed my mom was really lonely, in a way I have never been even though I live alone and I think it’s just that my life is set up totally different.

          Maybe the lesson here is don’t get so wrapped up in a partner that you can’t figure out how to fill your time when you have a few days alone.

          1. I used to wonder what people meant by this stuff when I was single. I LOVE my alone time and doing things puttering around the house. Now that I am married, I do really miss my SO when he’s gone in a way that is totally different than when I was single and handled it on my own. I still think I am really independent so it’s not about being needy or dependent. I guess this is what happens when you love someone *shrug *

          2. IDK, I love my spouse but OMG I do also love it when it is out for a night or on travel. MY TV. MY remote. No TV at impossibly loud volumes. No snoring.

            #AlwaysLookOnTheBrightSide

          3. Me, too. My hubby has a standing Lads’ Night on Tuesdays and OMG I love my Tuesday nights!

      2. I agree. Do the things that your husband does NOT like to do, and with him gone, go for it! When I was dating my ex, Sheketovits always wanted me to go with him to hockey and basketball games, but I never wanted to b/c they were boring. I preferred to go to Elizabeth Arden for a day of pampering. Without your husband, just go, and be happy when you get a massage. You can also go to the Russian baths in the lower east side and have some big Russian lady with awful teeth swat your tuchus with a tree branch. I lost 3 pounds goeing to one of these!

      3. Obviously I realize that not everybody is in my precise situation and I will be fine. Thanks??

        A large part of my funk is that he is somewhere kind of challenging to get to and it’s somewhere I really want to visit myself. So I miss him, but also, I’m bummed I’m not there so I’m trying to pep myself up.

        1. I totally get it. I love alone time and have no problem being by myself but I can see being a bit sad if my SO or friend’s were doing something that I would like to do and I couldn’t be there. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be alone.

          That said, try to do something that you couldn’t or wouldn’t do when he’s in town. Spa night at home, dinner with friends, go shopping after work, whatever.

    3. Go to a museum or see a movie or binge watch a show he wouldn’t be interested in. Make something for dinner he hates or is allergic to (I love fish but SO is allergic so we never make it for ourselves). Go for drinks with friends.

    4. Not wear pants and not be judged. Eat a flight of doughnuts from Whole Foods for dinner. You can do whatever you want.

      1. “Flight of doughnuts” sounds so much classier than “box of donuts.” LOL.

    5. Face masks, baths – bonus points for a hair mask that I otherwise would never have the patience for, bad tv and movies, reading for hours, yoga or spin classes, eating whatever the heck I wanted every night, getting drinks with friends, literally not having to think about anybody else’s happiness or well being and being purely focused on myself for a week. That last part sounds amazing.

  2. How do you keep yourself from giving up professionally? Had a lot of dreams, most never came true and now as I’m hitting 40 it’s like – wow these things may never happen (executive positions etc). So then I fall into the – why bother trying mindset. Except I know I still want them and I get frustrated, teary thinking about how hard I’ve worked and not had goals work out. What do you do to keep pushing forward? And I don’t think I’m depressed or anything – but these feelings have been there for a few years now and now as 40 approaches I feel like time is wasting.

    1. Is it so wrong to try resetting your expectations? That’s part of what growing older requires.

    2. First off, 40 is young for executive roles. Can you take a half glass full view of your career? Surely you’ve had some good doors open along the way? Can you identify what it is about being CEO/VP, etc that appeals to you and find another source of that appeal? I.e., if you want to recognized for your intelligence, write articles? Recognized for leadership, join a nonprofit board?

      1. Yeah – I don’t know why you are throwing in the towel when you are only half way through your working career.

          1. Exactly. In my field most people don’t peak until their 40’s and 50’s, and many keep going longer.

          2. Yes, I am in the same boat — not where I want to be, but I and you have a lot of time to get there. I keep my chin up and maintain a POSITIVE attitude and Dad says that I will get there. Do NOT mope around–you are only 40, and you have up to 25 more years in the work force, so do NOT EVER give up on your dreams.

            You should refer to the movie Flashdance, and there was a very famous line that Jennifer Beals listened to from her boyfriend, and she succeeded. Her boss, the cute guy she was also sleepeing with, told her “when you give up your dream, you die.”

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH4tNhN5gQc

            She listened to him, as a wise man, and even though the ODDS were very LONG, she eventually got into the dancing school by dancing up a storm, in the final dance, which was SOOOOO wonderfully inspirational that I cried for her when I first saw the movie, and I still do EVERY TIME I see the video. Here it is, FREE, for the HIVE.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzALZjoIx0g

            This is EXACTLY WHAT YOU need to do. Watch the 5 minute video and Keep trying and you will succeed, Just like Jennifer Beals did, and just like all of us who have the power of the hive behind us. PLUS, she made up with her boss and presumabley lived happily after with him! YAY! That is what I (and all of us) want, even if we won’t ever have her unbelievable body. I know we will ALL succeed in our own way, as professional Corporette women! YAY!!!!

        2. I made a giant, giant jump at 54 to get to my current Executive Director position. It was an opportunistic gamble and it came unexpectedly, and there was a significant element of risk. Along with the other good advice to look at career trajectories, you might want to asssess your risk tolerance, because sometimes that’s a critical factor in a high-flying career that takes off later.

          1. Amongst my peers I’ve seen big jumps come later (like in 15-20 yrs OP) in large part because of the fact that their risk tolerance became MUCH higher when they were sitting on a $2mil net worth. They worked thru their 30-40s in “safer” jobs where they got experience while buildinh up their 401ks so when the big job presented at 53 they could say yes without fear of – what if it doesn’t work out and I get laid off?!

    3. Sometimes I find it comfortable to LinkedIn-stalk people whose roles I want for myself, so I can see their employment history and how they got there. Often times, they have spotty employment history / rocky roads just like I do, and it makes me feel less alone.

      1. I do this too. Op it is rarely a linear trajectory. You see lots of people with ok/comparable jobs to mine in their 30s and sometimes even 40s and then bam it all clicks and it’s one executive role after another.

      3. I just want to say, I’m not in OP’s position at all (30 years old a few years into first law job that isn’t quite what I wanted but is fine) and this sort of perspective and advice from those of you who have been in your careers for much longer is SO helpful to hear. That’s a huge reason why I read here, even things that aren’t “relevant” to me.

    4. I’m 38 and having similar feelings. I had similar feelings at 24. I was seriously depressed then…:(

      It’s not too late for us to hustle. In another 14 years, we will laugh at thinking how “old” we were. Only losers say, “Oh if you haven’t done this by this, it cannot be done.” esp at 30 or 40.

      The most important thing, though, is keeping your health in order because that is where you get your stamina.

    5. Go to wikipedia and read the bio of Colonel Sanders (of KFC fame). You aint outta time.

    6. I’m in my 30s and was feeling this way. I thought having kids was the thing that would fill some of that, but turns out, they just filled a different part of my life. So…I decided to throw out an application for a huge stretch job in a new city. Four months later, I just gave my notice at my current job and am in the process of wrapping up life to move 1000 miles away. I’m excited to feel that competitive spark and be challenged in ways in my career that I haven’t been in the past ten years.

      So…maybe the answer is to change up your career. Apply for a couple of reach positions. You’re not out much by applying.

  3. Where do you find volunteer opportunities? I live between DC and Baltimore and haven’t had a lot of luck through Google and Craigslist. I would really like to volunteer for something related to addiction since its affected my family. Animals are also good :)

    1. Google community involvement and your city name. When I tried it for my city, there were tons of resources that popped up – nonprofits and from the local gov’t.

      And don’t forget that addiction can be a major factor in homelessness, so a homeless shelter may be a good place to start.

    2. Call the NAMI branch in your area and ask where the best resources/hospitals/programs are for addiction in your area. Think about if you want to work with kids, women, veteran’s or any adult program. Then just call them and ask if you could talk with someone about volunteering opportunities. See what they suggest and think about what fits for you.

      Similarly, just call your local animal shelter.

      Good luck, and have fun while doing something that is so helpful.

    4. The Junior League of Washington!

      There is a placement called Done in a Day (or there used to be) and you get placed at day-long or recurring volunteer project. I used to go to the National Rehabilitation Hospital to call bingo one night a week. And then I handled check-in at a gala and then at a road race. It’s a good way to dabble and then you can find your way better.

    5. Have you tried Idealist? You can sort by part-time/full-time and by area of concern.

  4. Hasn’t this suit been the suit of the week recently? Or maybe it’s just that I’ve been drooling over this one for a while. Definitely out of my budget and not something I need, but I think it’s gorgeous.

    1. I want a bright blue suit like this so badly. Alas, can’t justify it because I just bought a navy suit from Reiss– my first “big girl” quality suit, and in a much more workhorse color. Still drooling, though.

    2. A different Reiss suit from last season in a really similar cut/color was featured a few months ago. I like this one better though.

  5. I saw this suit in person last week at Bloomingdales and it’s lovely. By the way, I never shop at Bloomie’s (Nordstrom girl all the way, and almost always online) but the brick and mortar store had quite a good selection of workwear — Theory, Lafayette, Ted Baker, Reiss, Hobbs (which I didn’t even know was sold in the US). FYI.

    1. Thanks for this. I never go to stores anymore, but I would love to simply go try on some of these brands to figure out my sizes.

      1. Yes, exactly. I tried a bunch of clothes on from Hobbs and Karen Millen, two shops I had been eyeing online. Karen Millen was absurdly unflattering and I know not to waste my time in the future. Hobbs seems better for short waisted folks, which I am not. Colors are gorgeous though.

    2. Thank you! I had no idea Bloomingdale’s had Reiss and Hobbs, this is amazing. I’ve been afraid to try them online because of the shipping/return costs and having no idea what my size is in British brands or how they cut.

      1. Yes! Good to know.

        I covet Reiss. Their 14 day return window does not love me back.

  6. Is it tacky to send a baby gift directly from Amazon, or do I need to have it sent to me and wrap it in something cute beforehand?

    1. Amazon will giftwrap! It’s not super cute – just standard blue wrapping paper – but they also include a gift receipt. I get gifts directly from Amazon sometimes from family members and do not think it weird at all.

    2. I’d say not tacky at all (unless you’re in the same city). Just write a sweet little note in the gift message box.

    4. It’s not tacky, but I personally would be sad not to wrap it all nicely and include a nice card.

    5. Always lovely and thoughtful to send a gift (and therefore not tacky to do it directly from Amazon).
      Caveat — If there’s a baby shower, where the whole point is to show up with a gift in hand, do show up with a gift in hand.

      1. Gotta disagree with this. The point of a shower is to GIVE a gift, not necessarily to show up with a gift. If the gift is large or if I have to travel to get to the shower, I’m having it sent to your house (or wherever the registry specifies).

        1. Yeah, I’ve done this with bulky items (or once when the item didn’t arrive on time), and I just print out a picture of the gift and put it in my card.

    6. Not tacky. I just had a baby and 90% of the gifts we got were shipped direct from Amazon. Just make sure you include a note with your name. We got a few where the note was like “Congrats on your baby girl! So happy for you!” and we had no idea who sent it.

    7. Agree that its not tacky but if the shower will have a gift opening portion where everyone oohs and ahs over baby stuff then maybe bring it with you. Exception being bulky items. In those situations, You can just send directly and then bring a card with the item picture/print out inside. Still something to open but no need to lug a rock-n-play to and from for either of you.

    8. 100% not tacky. And I would also say (as a person who just had a baby and received multiple gifts directly from Amazon), do not pay whatever extra charge Amazon requires for gift wrapping. It is an odd cloth gift bag, not wrapping paper and I honestly feel bad for my friends who spent extra money for that weird bag.

      1. Yeah! Same happened to me. And the bag was on the side, the gift was not inside it. I feel bad for everyone who paid to send me a random empty gift bag!

  7. Could you help me with a couple drugstore make-up recs? I’m in my late 40’s with aging fair skin, a bit dry.

    Undereye concealer. I have lines…. Was using a simple Almay fine smoothing concealer, but it is being discontinued so looking. Or if you are in my age range….. your favorite? I don’t have a dark circles.

    Mascara.

    I have Maybelline Great Lash now and it still clumps too much for me. I have long thick lashes, and use mascara mostly for separation/definition and to even out the ends. Something light with no clumps would be great.

    Thank you!

    1. I’m not in your age range, but I love the Maybelline Age Rewind concealer for under eyes – it has a sponge applicator so it’s really gentle and easy to apply. For mascara, I use the Covergirl Clump Crusher – I also have long lashes, and I really like it.

      1. +1 I have tons of expensive concealers from Sephora and this one beats them all. Plus, its so easy to apply. It doesn’t seem to get into creases.

      2. Ditto on both rccs. Age Rewind is almost as good as the NARS concealer and a lot less expensive. I keep going back to Covergirl Clump Crusher after flirtations with expensive cult mascaras from Sephora.

    2. I’m 53 and I gave up on undereye concealer because everything I use there just accentuates the lines I have. I also don’t have darkness under my eyes so I think I look fine without it. Have you considered that?

      1. +1 I’m not prone to dark circles. I only use concealer if I actually think I need it, which is only when I’ve slept badly multiple days in a row. If there are no dark circles to cover, what is the concealer for?

        2. Good question. I think it became routine… I have a little unevenness of skin tone, and maybe I thought it ?brightened up my eyes a little. But perhaps I should save it for extreme circumstances. If it is drying at all, it brings out the lines.

      2. This is a reasonable idea. Maybe I should try….. Thanks for the suggestion.

    3. I’m liking CG Last Blast in the purple tube. No concealer for me either but I could use some depuffing.

    4. Concealer: Maybelline Age Rewind

      Mascara: I actually think Great Lash is the hardest of all mascaras to work with. I love almost all of the L’Oreal Voluminous formulas – the original in the gray tube, the green and black Feline, and the pink Lash Paradise, which is my current fave.

      1. Second Lash Paradise for mascara. True match concealer is my favorite drug store concealer.

        1. Third. All of the Voluminous mascaras that I’ve tried have been fabulous. I hate Great Lash with a fiery passion.

          1. +1. Also, if it’s too clumpy, we the wand with tissue. It will usually be fine after a few times.

    5. I went temporarily insane and spent $55 on Ahava’s Dead Sea Osmoter Eye Concentrate. Maybe not that insane, because I had a sample and I think it really did make a difference in lightening up my (admittedly minor) under eye darkness and lines. And I only use it at night. I use Origins GinZing in the morning (was using L’Oreal RevitaLift and will probably go back to it when the GinZing is done, because it’s cheaper and works pretty much just as well).

      I like the Maybelline Rewind. For mascara, I like Almay. I also have a sample of Make Up Forever Smoky Extravagant Mascara and I LOVE it, but am not sure it’s worth the price. But maybe…

      Oh, FYI, I am 50, fair-skinned, and a sun-fearer.

    6. Not sure if you are still reading this, but I also have dry, pale skin, and am mid 40s, and I just using rimmel bb cream as a concealer ( I ran out of my foundation, and needed a quick replacement) I always used to use lancome foundation, but this covers the lines and circles much better. For mascara that stays out all day, I use loreal voluminous lashes– or any other mascara by loreal, as it does not clump or wash off.

  8. Call the NAMI branch in your area and ask where the best resources/hospitals/programs are for addiction in your area. Think about if you want to work with kids, women, veteran’s or any adult program. Then just call them and ask if you could talk with someone about volunteering opportunities. See what they suggest and think about what fits for you.

    Similarly, just call your local animal shelter.

    Good luck, and have fun while doing something that is so helpful.

  9. I need to vent and want advice on a few things…
    Vent- My boss is a child and has iced me out of a case that I have been working on for a while. I know the issue isn’t my work but rather the fact that I took off two days from work. I worked on the plane so technically I was only gone for one day and he knew about this vacation when I was hired. Trial starts in two days and the work I have done has been completely ignored. A less-experience attorney literally redid the work I had done, starting from scratch and I see there’s quite a lot missing which wouldn’t have happened if she built on the things I had already done.
    Advice- Have you ever worked with a career coach and found it to be useful? I am a younger attorney looking for options. I am open to going in-house, working at a boutique firm or even giving up a strictly legal job but unsure as to what exactly I want to do and where to start my search. If anyone is willing to talk to me about the next steps please send me an email at larette89 at the mail of g.

    Thank you

    2. Talk to your boss once you have calmed down. If someone redid your work, starting from scratch, it may be that there actually was an issue with what you had done — maybe it had TOO much to be helpful in a trial situation, etc. Also, you cannot have been there long if boss already knew of your vacation when hired. Give this more of a chance unless you have had previous legal jobs and know you do not want to practice law.

    2. What age group? If it is pretty soon after college, I know several people who have had great luck joining rec sports teams (e.g. softball, volleyball). Volunteering is another way I know people who have made close, lasting friendships.

    3. Join an activity or local organization that has an attendance requirement. Is there a sport you’ve been wanting to join? Sign up for beginner’s lessons. Other options: political organizations, book club, Junior Leahue, the young professionals board of a local nonprofit.

      I’ve had better success with making friends when people are “required” to come over as opposed to a single MeetUp event. You will see the same people and have a shared activity (though this doesn’t work as well at placesike the gym’s yoga or spin class). You’d be best off finding an activity where you are basically all required to interact based on the nature of the activity.

      Other fun options: photography class, throw pottery, summer kickball league, tennis, rowing, running club / train for a race with a group, CrossFit, board game club.

      1. Yep, book club. And also community theater – did mostly backstage stuff, it was super fun.

    6. The vast majority of my friends in DC came from my CrossFit gym, in one way or another. But pick your fitness poison — a great way to meet people. You could also try MeetUps?

  11. I need to vent and want advice on a few things…

    Vent- My boss is a child and has iced me out of a case that I have been working on for a while. I know the issue isn’t my work but rather the fact that I took off two days from work. I worked on the plane so technically I was only gone for one day and he knew about this vacation when I was hired. Trial starts in two days and the work I have done has been completely ignored. A less-experience attorney literally redid the work I had done, starting from scratch and I see there’s quite a lot missing which wouldn’t have happened if she built on the things I had already done.

    Advice- Have you ever worked with a career coach and found it to be useful? I am a younger attorney looking for options. I am open to going in-house, working at a boutique firm or even giving up a strictly legal job but unsure as to what exactly I want to do and where to start my search. If anyone is willing to talk to me about the next steps please send me an email at larette89 at the mail of g.

    Thank you

  12. Any chance that anyone here is going to the SIFMA C&L conference in Orlando next week? Seems like it’s mostly about networking opportunities. I’m going with a few senior male colleagues, and it’s my first time, so I would appreciate any info or advice! Thank you in advance.

  13. Any recommendations on a good roasting pan I can buy from Amazon, to roast vegetables? I bought a cheap one a few months ago. We use ours often and I wouldn’t mine upgrading to a better one.

    1. I usually just use a rimmed cookie sheet for roasting vegetables. Other than that, I find the Le Creuset baking dishes (not the enameled cast iron) to be really good for baking things. I rarely/never have anything stick to them, and even if something sticks, it is easily cleanable after a good soak. (In contrast, my glass baking dishes can sometimes be so hard to clean!)

    3. I just have two nordicware half sheet pans, and, this is key — parchment paper. Pre-cut half sheet parchment paper. You can get 200 sheets for like $12 on amazon (which I think may be cheaper than the grocery store rolls?) and it is so easy and I cannot recommend it enough.

      1. +1 to the Nordicware natural aluminum quarter and half sheet sizes plus the parchment paper for roasting veg. Hat tip to Kenji Alt-Lopez on Serious Eats for the rec; the pans have been cheap, functional, and pretty darn easy to clean.

        For roasting meat, I have yet to find anything that beats my All Clad hard anodized aluminum non-stick roasting pan (with rack when needed). It holds everything from eight giant turkey legs to a giant Beef Wellington, to a full crown roast of pork, can be placed on the stove, and cleans like a dream. Plus, I love the rigid vertical handles – very easy to use with giant oven mitts on.

      1. …And I second using a rimmed baking sheet over a roasting pan for vegetables!

      1. I have used pyrex for this, and blown up pyrex doing this ;). But yes, occasionally I still use pyrex.

          1. You have to use older Pyrex. It’s something to do with the mineral content of the glass.

    6. Yes to roasting on sheet pans – but the best place to buy sheet pans is your local restaurant supply. They have half, quarter and eighth size (they have full size but most home kitchens will only take a half-size commercial pan).

  15. My retied social worker mom has gone from being a bleeding heart and a staunch democrat to being in line with the alt-right and hates on the poor, refugees, people of color, Muslims, etc. I cannot go in public with her anymore, in our liberal west coast city, because she will engage with random people on such topics and at bets be embarassing or at worst cause a scene. She will then recount these conversations as if they were the best things ever and these people are her new best friends. I find this shift in beliefs and behavior incredibly bizarre. I really don’t know what to think of it. Maybe it is the modern political climate? Maybe she is having some sort of demetia? I don’t know if I have a question, and maybe I am just ranting, but input and similar experiences welcome.

    1. Generally very abrupt changes in personality or mood, particularly from gentle/kind to focused hatred and belligerent arguing with strangers is a sign of a medical condition. You might want to try to get her to a doctor, and accompany her.

      Or, and it’s very difficult to consider I understand, she was always this hateful and now that she is retired and not coming into contact with people of different backgrounds on a regular basis, her biases and hatred have been allowed to thrive.

      Honestly, hopeful it’s something treatable in the former category, because the latter may cause a loss of respect and distancing from your Mom.

      1. +1
        How old is she? Suddenly becoming more of, well, a jerk can be a sign of some sort of neurological decline. This isn’t just that her opinions have changed–she’s getting into it with strangers at the drop of a hat? I would see if you can get her to go to her PCP for a screening.

        1. I have been trying to do this, although I need to get my dad on board more. She is early 70s.

    2. She’s probably seen terrible things in her work, and maybe is blaming the victims?

    3. Agree with Anonymous at 4:36 that there are some concerning things from a medical perspective – an abrupt change, and also that she seems to not really understand how her public interactions are being perceived.

      I was finding my own mother particularly hard to deal with on political topics and we made an agreement that we would each give up one source of media that the other believed to be biased – I asked her to stop watching Fox News and she asked me to stop reading The Washington Post. (Obviously, these are not equivalents in my mind, but a deal is a deal.) It helped a lot – she still has very right-of-center views but she no longer spouts off about the truly offensive stuff. I also bought her a subscription to the National Review as a Christmas present – mostly aligned with her political beliefs but with a solid commitment to quality journalism. So maybe talk with your mother about where she’s getting her news from and see if that is part of the problem.

      2. Yeah, she won’t tell me where she is getting news from and gets incredibly angry when I ask. She’ll often say I heard “some crazy thing” on the news. So I imagine she is sitting and watching/reading Fox News, Alex Jones, and the Blaze all day. Which may or may not be accurate.

    4. The part about reframing these conversations as her new best friends is what makes me think this is a medical condition. A year before my mom was clearly in the throes of dementia, I learned that she was spreading false information about me to make me look more successful to her friends. (Like that I was closing on 2 million dollar houses, etc). I was extremely hurt by it, and assumed she just wanted people to think more highly of her. Now I think it was 100% a personality change brought on by dementia. Just my personal experience. Oh, if it’s helpful, my mom was only 67 when this happened.

      1. This is such a thoughtful and helpful comment. I’m sorry about your mother’s illness.

    5. My retired mother – a card-carrying union member, pro-gay, pro-immigrant, and pro-Muslim – has also lost her mind in the age of Trump. With little to do with her time, she spends too much time online…and isn’t savvy enough to distinguish legitimate media from spammy stuff. Since the internet is an echo chamber, Facebook feeds her more and more of that stuff and she’s gone off the deep end. I’ve tried to gently, factually counter her statements when she makes inflammatory remarks.

      “Mom, what makes you say that? Remember how nice [gay neighbor] is?”

      “Mom, unless you’re a Native American, we’re all immigrants.” “But we came here legally!” “Actually, when we arrived, there was no legal or illegal immigration. We just showed up.” “Oh. But they’re so different than we are!” “People used to say the same thing about Irish Catholics, too, you know, and no one thinks they’re different anymore.”

      I think what has many of the Trump supporters up in arms in the political correctness of the age and how they feel our values are lost (I’m not agreeing or disagreeing, just stating what I think the answer is). I remind my mother that Christianity is not under attack (“Did you go to that lovely picnic the church had last week?”), that people are still patriotic (“Did you see all the people placing flags for Memorial Day?”), and to generally get.off.the.internet. The bad is there if you want to see it, but so is the good. “The news” has decided the only news is alarming or partisan news. Simply turn.it.off. Go out in your town. Get involved. Good things are happening and good people are out there.

    6. I am glad I’m not the only one who is experiencing this. Not sure if it is because my mom is 65 and she’s exhibiting the cognitive decline that her own mother was experiencing pre-Alz diagnosis a few years later…or if it is just that she’s being brainwashed by her current co-workers and the clientele there. Or both.

      The good news is that my mom is starting to take the hint to not mention things she knows might start an argument.

      There are other things in this thread I can relate to as well. My heart goes out to all…Not sure what to do, either…

      1. My mom always engaged with strangers, though. I tell her now that “I hope you aren’t talking about this to XYZ or ABC…” and she will say that she would never. But I know better.

        This is another hard thing about getting older…I’m not even 40 yet and it’s like I don’t even know my own mother anymore. It has been like this for a long time. I think she may realize it because she signs cards as if she is going to die soon and she and my dad are seeingly trying to spend down as much money as possible.

  16. Question about managing family during an engagement:

    Some people in my family can be overbearing to the point of domineering. “Use your words” is not an option for some – bland statements trigger verbal abuse. (Example: “My fiance and I have already decided on something different” triggered a tirade.)

    A week into my engagement, I am already sick to my stomach. Aside from refusing to speak to anyone at all until the reception, what are my options? I am more than capable of communicating that, no judgement on anyone else, I do not want a bridal shower, but would prefer to skip the nastiness that follows.

    (We are paying for this ourselves. He isn’t against eloping but wants his family and friends there.)

    1. Hang up every single time they yell at you. Refuse to discuss the wedding. Don’t tell them things.

      1. +1

        I am so sorry you are navigating this. I hope that you have lots of good support systems elsewhere in your life.

        I like using really specific “I statements” when I’m pushing back against this kind of bad behavior: “I’m not interested in discussing this with you. I am excited about our plans and will not tolerate you speaking to me in that tone. Why don’t you catch me up on Ruthie’s dance recital instead?” If they persist, hang up.

        Also, I would think about whether this nastiness might also present itself at your actual wedding. You absolutely should not be on the receiving end of it that day (let’s face it, you shouldn’t have to deal with it any day), so if you anticipate that these people will be present, please lean on the aforementioned support systems–other family, friends, fiance’s family–to help protect you from bad behavior during the event itself.

        Finally, give yourself permission to be sad or angry. You should not have to manage grown people to be civil. You should not have to justify decisions you are making about your own celebration. The fact that you will be able to navigate this (you will!) doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate or what you would have hoped from the situation.

        1. Thank you! I am going to screen shot this and keep it.

          The actual wedding worries me a lot – I fear that it will be a lot of reverting back to dysfunctional childhood patterns. Good suggestion on having others manage this.

          Thank you for the pep talk. It helps. :)

          1. Last time I was a bridesmaid, I was given a few names of people who might cause trouble and who therefore needed to be kept occupied. I’ve been at other weddings where the event planner was helping to make sure everyone (and a few people in particular) was too busy having a good time to start something. And even if they do start something, this way there’s a layer of people to insulate the bride and groom.

    2. Don’t discuss the wedding. At all. If they bring it up, change discussion to the weather.

      1. +1

        If changing the subject doesn’t work, hang up the phone or leave the room, and in either case tell them exactly why you’re doing it. “I do not want to discuss this and if you cannot respect that I am hanging up/leaving.”

    4. I understand that you think the best thing for us to do is X. Fiance and I will keep this in mind when making our decision. (May not work with your fam but it’s often effective with unsolicited advice.)

      1. Thank you! That’s a good thing to have in my toolkit for reasonable but unintentionally frustrating people. (Other family members are very reasonable, and I want to respect that.)

    6. I found that a giant smile and enthusiastic “ooh I’ll think about that!” or “ooh I’ll add that to the list of options!” worked well in my family at making people feel like their idea was being seriously considered and in not letting the discussion devolve into a disagreement. of course I never intended to or did execute any of their ideas and suggestions. I’m envious of these people with family members that respect “I statements” and boundaries and personal autonomy :)

      1. When someone suggests something or wants a certain element, that language is effective.

        It is not effective against *demands*.

  17. I have been streaming Living Color on Hulu. I think Maxine in my style model. She looks amazing and the professional styles hold up surprisingly well.

  18. I think someone asked this a few weeks ago but I could not find. Can you recommend a thigh shaper that does not have tummy control? I would be completely fine with a low-band maternity sp@nx but I cannot find such a thing. I do have the J0ckey skimmies and I love them but they don’t have enough shaping for this specific purpose.

  19. My sympathies… that is a terrible way to start what should be a happy moment. I understand that fiancee wants to have a wedding with all his family and friends. Do you want one? I ask because eight years ago, I went along with the idea of a wedding because my husband has a huge family that loves weddings and it just seemed like that is what you did .

    I wish I hadn’t.

    I am mostly happy in the marriage and with our children but the power dynamics of the wedding and the life changes that accompany a marriage basically destroyed our relationship with my family. It has been the #1 ongoing challenge in our marriage. Many members of my family are also overbearing, passive aggressive, have strong opinions, and hold a grudge. I knew that and knew the best course of action for my personal sanity would be to to either elope or exchange vows in front of our immediate family, drink some champagne and move on to the marriage. Would the family still have been upset? Undoubtedly but it would have been a lot less drama in the long run.

    This is just the first of many lines you will need to lay down as a unit with your fiancee. Best of luck and congratulations!

    1. Thank you – my fiance is incredible and him asking me to marry him was a moment so happy I didn’t know it could even exist.

      Thank you for sharing that, and I am sorry you are still struggling. My best to you.

      As for a wedding… I want the religious ceremony, want some of my family there, and have several friends whom I would love to have with me. But I fear the “power dynamics of a wedding,” as you so perfectly put it. Something to think about.

  21. At 1pm subordinate schedules meeting for 4:30 PM. I assume it must be something urgent (this was my first open window after lunch), so I accept. It’s almost 5:30pm here and I just got off the phone telling them to go google how to manipulate basic data – something I am sure they could have figured out if they spent this hour thinking about it instead of trying to get me to do their job. I am annoyed and missed my window to go to the store and buy food for my family for dinner. End rant.

  22. I love Reiss suits. The fabrics are always very nice, and their suits look more expensive than they are. BUT be careful. Their sizing is not consistent across their designs. I try their suits on before buying because I’ve needed different sizes in different suits (on the same day).

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