Suit of the Week: Tory Burch

266 Comments

1. Early Threadjack:

   I know we have covered this before, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere.

   I am working towards paying down debt in order to buy a house. I have the ability to pay off all my consumer debt by the end of this year. After that I’m not sure whether I should take the money I would be using towards those payments to put more money towards my student loans (which would have them completely paid off in 10 months), or to sock some of that money away in savings towards a down payment/closing costs. I would like to be in a house in the next year to two years, so which would be a better use of my money, paying down the debt quickly, but not having as much in savings, or paying what I’m paying currently in student loans, but having more towards the house?

   1. Maybe you could split the extra money? Use half of that extra towards student loans and half towards savings? At least this way you’re tackling the debt and putting some money aside for the downpayment.

      1. I need to get over this all or nothing mentality I have about money. Duh! Of course I can split the money.

         1. I am totally the same way. My dad finally pointed out to me that I can split up my extra money instead of putting it all towards student loans, all into savings, or all into a retirement account. It was a total lightbulb moment. The difficult part was trying to decide what percentage to apply to those categories.

         2. I think it makes sense to split because it might get you into a house sooner, while the market is still down and prices and rates are reasonable/low.

   2. Student loans are generally not considered “bad” debt for the purposes of getting favorable mortgage rates so depending on the interest rates for your student loans, I would personally lean towards saving money for down payment/closing/savings the inevitable house repairs you will make during the first 6 months of ownership.

      1. Sorry, savings *for* the inevitable repairs…

      2. This is what I thought, but you see that you should pay down all of your debt, I didn’t know if that included student loans. Considering how low my interest rates are, I might do what is suggested above and split the difference.

         1. if your interest rates are really low, i personally would not even split them. it put it all towards saving for a down payment.

   3. What do you have in savings that is relatively liquid? Do you earn enough money to comfortably pay a mortgage and your student loans, or do you need to get rid of the student loan debt in order to qualify for a mortgage, from a debt to income ratio standpoint?
      What is the interest rate on your student loan? Do you earn a salary that enables you to write off the interest? (Not determinative, but a factor) If you paid off your student loan in full, and saved your payments for the period of time before you are looking to buy – would you have the necessary funds to purchase?

      There is always some satisfaction in paying off student loans – I can’t wait until mine are paid off – but if you are on track to have them paid off during the time you plan to buy, and you are able to deduct the interest, I’d probably save the money.
      _________________________
      For once I am glad I got a posting too soon message….

      Didn’t pay close attention to the poster..Merabella – you are a coach’s wife….hmmm….. Not sure of your sport/division level, but in your case, I might tweak the above advice to pay off the debt.

      1. Haha, yeah, coach’s wife means not super huge income. I think I’m leaning towards putting most of that money towards debt, and putting a smaller percentage towards savings. Kind of like killing 1.5 birds with one stone (instead of the usual 2).

         1. Wasn’t thinking income – was more thinking unexpected coaching changes or moves with HC could have unexpected impact or trailing unplanned for expenses….

            1. He’s in a pretty stable sport – ie, not big money sports, but that is a good thought.

   4. it all depends on the interest rates… pay off high interest rates so they don’t grow, make sure you have enough in emergency savings (Suze Orman says 8-10 mos of living costs), then add to the bigger goals. Also, when debt is considered when it comes to taking out a home loan, might it help your credit to have zero debt?

      1. I’d definitely check with a trusted mortgage broker/loan officer/bank. Debt ratios impact rates you qualify for. You can plan accordingly with their info

   5. I love Tory Burch, but to expensive!!!!

      Anyway, I asked my dad today to figure out what is goieing on, and he told me (and I am telleing you) to alway’s pay down credit card debit, b/c it has a high rate of INTEREST, and it is NOT dedeuctible for tax purposes.

      My dad is payeing me for my morgage on my coop and gifteing me the money’s so that I can get the dedecution, which is good.

      I have to go into court tomorrow on 3 more of Jim’s cases, for a PRE-TRIAL hearing with the same judge, and I have all of the issue’s figured out ahead of time. YAY!

      Jim insist’s on comeing even though it is ONLY a pre-trial hearing (and it is in the Judge’s chambers, so he is NOT even weareing his judicieal ROBES, but Jim says he MUST come so that he can learn and understand the process so that he can EXPLAEIN it all to his General Council. I met him when we went out for lunch, and he did NOT seem to be to interested in learning alot of detail. He is alot older then Jim and mabye is about to retire, so mabye I can use that as a backup in a few year’s in case I do NOT get appointed to the BENCH.

      1. Ellen, do not trust Jim. I am sure he wants to sleep with you.

   6. While I understand the appeal of paying down student loans quickly, I would probably put them on the back burner to save up for the house. The amount of money you will save in student loan interest is probably a lot less than the money you will save by locking in a low interest rate on your mortgage. (You can run the math on this for yourself — take the amount of money you will save in interest by paying off your loans in 10 mos compared to how long it would take paying just the minimum and compare that to the difference in interest you would pay on a home over 15 or 30 years if rates go up even a 1/4 or 1/2 percent).

      Buying a house always involves the need for more cash than you think and there is at least some risk that interest rates, when they rise, will start to rise fairly quickly. Further, once the Fed signals that they might rise, you might get caught in a position where mortgage rates start rising and home prices rise (people trying to jump into the market before rates really go up, thus driving demand up). I think it is better to give up the interest rate savings on the student loans and have the cash on hand to move quickly in the home buying market when you decide the time is right.

   7. There is a reason that they say “Cash is King.” It might be overly simplistic, but I think you are better off with some consumer debt and more cash than you are with less debt and little cash. Purplepear has the right idea on consulting a mortgage broker.

   8. I am in a similar situation. I am paying off my high interest loans, but may buy a house before paying off all my loans (especially those at 2%). I could buy a house now but my tolerance for carrying debt is lower than most.

      All in all, it depends on the interest rates of your loans versus current mortgage rates, with an eye to mortgage rate trends. It also depends on your tolerance for debt. And it also depends on what your mortgage eligibility is, and whether it is sufficient to buy in your desired market. I agree with purplepear–talk to a mortgage broker. Maybe you need to save more, but maybe you’re good to go.

   9. I am all over this thread. Merabella, I hope you’re still reading.

      Two years ago, I had to make this exact decision. I could have bought a house and continued to pay down debt, but I chose to pay off my debt first, and I am so very glad I did. I paid off the last of my debts two weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer.

      I now have the freedom to cut back my work schedule without fear of financial catastrophe. This is HUGE. I cannot imagine the depths of my despair if I had debt + a house payment.

      Please consider paying off your debt, then building an emergency fund, then saving for a house. Life is uncertain. Financial safety during a time of crisis makes everything a little more bearable.

2. I like it a lot but it sort of reminds me of a red checkered powersuit my mom had in the 80s. (Vintage! So adorable.)

   1. Yeah, I know that color and other old timey suits are in again now, but I think this feels a bit “of a certain age” to me. I think it would be tricky to pull off while still looking modern.

   2. I love it. Maybe as separates?

3. That is way out my budge, but I LOVE that suit.

   1. I love it too, but I would appreciate seeing more affordable suit of the week options. I’m not one to complain about the price generally, especially on the morning features, but it seems like we haven’t had an affordable suit in months. I guess this is affordable in relation to the $1000+ suits we’ve been seeing recently. Am I right that the last one was that hot pink one, which incidentally I bought?

   2. I love it too and would definitely wear it, just not with a turtleneck as styled.

4. My jaw dropped when I saw this suit, it’s perfection. Red tweed, yes please! So many things about this suit appeals to me – the color, the piping around the collar, not to mention my old man sensibilites about fashion love this feminine twist =p

   1. I love this suit. Makes me wish I wore suits.

   2. Love this suit—great color, flattering fit, and very on trend. I agree that it could be worn well as separates. It would also be great to mix with another pattern if you want to get adventurous (and if you do it correctly).

      Natalie
      ourstylefile.blogspot.com

5. I’m currently a 3rd year litigator in biglaw. Over the next couple of years, I’d like to set myself up to go in-house. For the ladies who are/have been in-house, any advice on what to do btwn now and then to position myself?

   1. Curious about this as well!

   2. I posted a pretty long response to a similar question in one of the weekend open threads sometime in the past few months. You might be able to find that.

      The short version (which is probably really just “how to become a better lawyer” advice)–
      * Look for gaps in your experience and be deliberate about filling them in. (This has the additional benefit of making you a better, more well-rounded lawyer!)

      * Be the associate partner. That is, if you haven’t started already, demonstrate that you can manage cases w/ a 30,000-foot view instead of being stuck in the first year “zomg this memo on this one tiny question of law is my LYFE!” can’t see the forest for the trees perspective; delegate to junior associates and other staff as appropriate; get some experience budgeting.

      * Be deliberate about tracking your experience and accomplishments. I think it’s easier to sell yourself if you have facts readily available. And concrete facts (“I’ve taken more than 50 depositions”) are more convincing on a resume than general, non-specific statements (“Developed deposition-taking skills”). I used to keep a draft e-mail in Outlook that listed every single depo I took (lawsuit name, ID of witness and relation to case, whether I took or defended), all of my hearings, mediations, and settlements (case, original demand, settlement amount). So instead of putting on my resume that I could totes take a depo y’all, I could put that I’d taken X depos, including Y named parties, and Z medical experts. Or I could put that I’d defended and settled multiple lawsuits for < 10% of the original demand. I think it helped.

      1. I didn’t see your comment before, but I really like/agree with your description of the “associate partner.”

   3. Unless you go in-house at a company that is so large it has its own litigation department, you will be do more advising and counseling than litigating. So whatever you can do to get experience advising and counseling is useful. Wrt to substantive areas of law, if you know which industry you want to work in, try to have as many cases in that industry as possible. Finally, all companies and other organizations have employees, so it is very helpful to have as much employment law experience as possible.

   4. What type of litigation do you practice? If I were a litigator trying to go in-house, I’d try to get on commercial lit matters so that I’d have to learn as much commercial practice as possible. Very little in-house litigation as actually trial work, its more managing the litigation and mediation/settlement work, which means learning and understanding the business, how it goes wrong, and thinking strategically about business risk. If you can pick up any transactional work, it will likely only help.

   5. I went in house about that level. Here are some quick thoughts:

      1. network. knowing someone is still the best way to get your foot in the door.
      2. position yourself financially to take a paycut. You may luck out, but the vast majority of people who go in house at that level take a cut.
      3. think hard about what you want from in house. Companies are as varied as firms (maybe moreso). Are you looking for better hours or are you OK with keeping the same schedule? As an aside, if you interview in house and they say they work hard, believe them. Don’t assume all in house lawyers work 9-5. Do you want to continue to practice law in a substantive way or manage outside counsel? Different companies use their inside counsel in different ways. What kind of people do you like to work with? Moreso than in a firm, companies really emphasize cultural fit in hiring/promoting.

   6. Having done Lit for 10 plus years bf going in house….all I can say is that it is a hard career track particularly if you do general commercial lit. Try to develop a substantive skill in addition to your litigation skills, like real estate or Employment or securities.

6. I actually love this suit! I don’t think I could pull it off as a suit, but definitely would wear the pieces as separates.

   TJ – I need some advice ladies. About a month and a half ago, I was working out regularly (4-5 times a week) and eating really well. Noticed changes on the scale as well as on my body and I was feeling great. Lately, I’ve lost all motivation to eat well and work-out. Tried to work out yesterday (decided to try the Couch-5K), and could not even motivate myself to get through the entire 30 mins. I had a headache and felt awful but I was in good shape just a few weeks ago!

   Any advice on how I can turn this around and get my motivation back?

   1. I’ve been working to get 10,000 steps a day and it definitely helps (says the girl who needs to pace around for 10 minutes this evening to get to my goal)

   2. A friend of mine has an app called Gym Pact that I strongly suggest you check out. I make it to the gym 4x a week now, and have made about $20 doing so.

   3. You may not be eating enough for the activity level you are at. Check out myfitnesspal, or Loseit! and see if you are taking in enough calories for the amount you are working out. You may not be fueling your body enough to make it through the work outs.

      I would also look at what you are eating. Are you getting enough protein, fats, carbs, etc. I know these things are painted as the bad guys, but they are essential to your body’s maintenance. Evaluate your diet and see where there are holes, I think this would help fuel your body and make you more motivated to work out because you will have enough energy.

      1. I reread and had another thought, you might be unmotivated to eat well also because your diet was too extreme, didn’t leave space for life. Time to re-evaluate and see what is working and what isn’t. Spots like this are totally normal.

   4. I just did my first run today after three weeks of not doing any exercise. (Mostly just hiding out from a heat wave.) I had to stop and walk 4 times. But I finished it and know that it will be easier the next time. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Start incorporating some healthy foods back into your diet. Some fruit here, some veggies there. Don’t aim to be in the place you were six weeks ago instantly, work back up to it slowly and you’ll get there.

      Good luck!

      1. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
         YES

   5. Are you me? I went on this awesome workout/eating healthy kick a few months, lost 5 pounds, and felt/looked great. Then I got a new job and my healthy eating/exercising habits got all thrown off. Since then, I haven’t had the motivation to work out more than 2x a week.

      I decided it’s time for drastic measures: I’m going to sign up for an unlimited monthly package at a barre studio I love going to, simply because the thought of prepaying for a workout and then not going & wasting the money motivates me! I’m too cheap to skip something I already paid for.

      1. I’m having this problem too. I was spinning 3x a week, riding horses 4x a week, and eating really healthy. Started at new firm, stopped spinning, and my horse went lame (we start back to work tomorrow, she’s fine but it was a long 4 month recovery) so I wasn’t riding, so now I’m a mess. I’m still eating healthy, but all I want to do is sleep as long as I can in the morning and go home from the office and see how fast I can shower and get in bed.

         I think signing up for unlimited spin is probably a good idea for me, too.

   6. Sounds to me like you’ve just hit low motivation point. Fitness and working out and eating well, IME, are sine curves that go up and down. I’ll have a few weeks where I eat no sugar and lots of veggies and drink all water. My workouts will be amazing, every mile I run feels better than the last and I get all my situps and pushups in. Then, overnight, my body realizes it’s tired and getting older and really likes the taste of ice cream and pizza. So, I have a couple weeks where I eat ice cream and pizza (a lot) and phone in my workouts, and generally feel blah.

      I deal with this by not getting too discouraged by the blah by remembering that it’s just phase. I know I’ll eventually feel better about it all again, and I get through the low points by taking it easy, enjoying the rest my body probably needs. I scale back my workouts and tell myself that something is better than nothing. Keep the feeling-awful workout short and live to fight another day, but do get yourself out there. You’ll be better off doing a couple days of 10-15 minute workouts just to keep it as a habit than if you stop completely and get out of the routine.

      Also, sometimes getting out of the funk can be as simple as putting a few new songs on the ipod, getting a new piece of cute workout clothing, or trying a new running route that takes you some place really pretty.

   7. I had a 1-month hiatus due to Ramadan, and my favorite coach left the country.
      Here is what worked for me to start working out again yesterday:
      – Buy something new for gym: can be pants, tops, but doesn’t necessarily have to break the bank, last time I got cute rubber bracelets
      – Go in for a light workout. I usually do High impact or spinning but when I lack motivation, I say I’ll just do body balance or yoga and end up having a great workout because I am doing something different for once.
      – Ask a friend to meet at gym. You’d feel so terrible letting your friend down .. right?
      – Tell your entourage that you’re going to workout today so that they hold you accountable for it.

7. Q. re the Kate Spade bag sale. I’m having trouble deciding what kind of bag I really need. I carry a gym bag most days, so usually carry a smaller purse and a gym bag. However, I don’t really have a nice, bigger black or neutral bag for work. I also don’t have a “court bag.”

   So trying to decide if I should buy something like the Cobble Hill Kori (http://www.katespade.com/designer-handbags/leather-handbags/cobble-hill-kori/PXRU3181-2,default,pd.html?dwvar_PXRU3181-2_color=260&start=11&cgid=sample-sale), or something that could fit files, like the Portola Valley Shanna (http://www.katespade.com/portola-valley-shanna/PXRU3030,default,pd.html?dwvar_PXRU3030_color=618&start=19&cgid=sample-sale), or if I should just buy something smaller, like the Wellesley Quinn when I carry my gym bag (to shake things up from the one nice KS smaller purse I already have).

   What do you guys do when carrying gym bags and purses? Do you adjust the size of your purse accordingly? Do you have nicer, bigger totes that one could theoretically take to court or take work home in? Sorry if this is confusing/stupid — I’m so bad at purses and what I need!

   1. During the week I carry a large leather bag in a neutral colour to take work home in and most of the time it’s large enough to take what I need to court. If I have to take a lot of files to court, I take my work purse and a wheely briefcase. On the days I go to the gym, I carry my gym bag and my work purse. On the weekend, I carry a small cross-body purse.

8. Question for those in law. I’m a senior litigation associate in Biglaw in a major city, looking to move in-house in the next 6 months or so. I saw a recent posting for a position that I think would be a good fit for my experience/interest. The catch is, the position is in-house at a fortune 500 company that I was recently on the other side of in litigation. The case settled a few months before trial, favorably for my client, but it is one the three major cases I’ve worked on during my career and much of my experience comes from that case. I don’t know whether there is an ethical problem with applying for the job (as I said, the case settled) or whether I should both because they may see my current firm and toss my resume. Thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

   1. I know a lot of in-house attorneys who got their foot in the door at major corporations because they were on the opposite side of their eventual employer in litigation. I can’t speak specifically to any conflicts of interest, but why not apply? All they can do is say no.

   2. I think the ethical problem would come into play with respect to the client you represented. If the case had not settled, you would have to screen yourself off from taking any adversary position against a former client on a matter you learned client confidences. As it stands now, does not sound like it would be a problem.

9. Thanks to the ladies on this morning’s thread, I just bought my first No. 2 pencil skirt (pepper tweed!) and a camel colored Jackie to match. I can’t wait!!!!

   1. you just inspired me. i just got a crimson wool #2, a manor purple No. 2, a white jackie shell and cardi and a pale pink jackie shell and cardi, as well as a camel pant suit in the super 120s — all for less than $600 bucks (code: LOVEIT)

10. Q. re the Kate Spade bag sale. I’m having trouble deciding what kind of bag I really need. I carry a gym bag most days, so usually carry a smaller purse and a gym bag. However, I don’t really have a nice, bigger black or neutral bag for work. I also don’t have a “court bag.”

    So trying to decide if I should buy something like the Cobble Hill Kori, or something that could fit files, like the Portola Valley Shanna, or if I should just buy something smaller, like the Wellesley Quinn when I carry my gym bag (to shake things up from the one nice smaller purse I already have).

    What do you guys do when carrying gym bags and purses? Do you adjust the size of your purse accordingly? Do you have nicer, bigger totes that one could theoretically take to court or take work home in? Sorry if this is confusing/stupid — I’m so bad at purses and what I need!

    Got stuck in moderation, so sorry if posts twice.

    1. I carry the same bag, gym bag or not. I have 2 Quinns and I don’t think they’re small. They’re really well laid out. In fact, I wish I had bought the Wellesley Quinn in blueberry jam on the last sale. The navy isn’t really me. The only issue you may have with it is that the top is open and the handles are really not long enough for it to be a shoulder bag.

11. Yesterday, my husband found a stray kitten in the boiler/mechanical room at his work. He’s just a tiny thing, only 2 lbs and about 8 weeks old. We didn’t just want to leave him there, so we put him in a box and tried calling some animal shelters. Of the ones we could reach, they were all full. We ended up taking him home with us that night.

    We have three other cats and the kitten looked kind of sick, so we kept him on the back porch and fed him food and water. We have a playpen/enclosure that we kept him last night and brought him inside to our bedroom.

    I would love to keep him, but we have 3 cats already. After we introduced our 3rd cat, the other female started having cystitis and the male sprayed in some areas of the house. I posted before about troubles in that area and luckily things have been better since then. I think it would be too stressful to our other cats to introduce another one.

    I tried calling close to 10 shelters today and they are all full or only accept dogs. We’ve tried reaching out to family and friends and I hope someone is interested. I’m frustrated and and sad that I’m not able to provide a permanent home for him. If think he would get adopted quickly, b/c he’s really adorable and very sweet and affectionate. He loves to cuddle and curl up and sleep on my lap.

    This morning, I took him to a low cost spay/neuter clinic but he has an upper respiratory infection but they want him to finish the antibiotics before getting neutered or vaccinated. Also, he can’t get his rabies shot until he’s 12 weeks.

    To compound things, we’ll be on vacation next week and I’m hoping the local vet can board him (maybe separately from other cats) since he can’t get his shots yet. If not, we may have to find someone to keep him for a week.

    I’m going to keep calling shelters and might need to move into different cities in the state b/c I’m desparate at this point. I’m hestitant to post anything to Craigs List b/c I’m not sure what kind of creeps are out there. Also, I don’t feel comfortable just neutering and releasing him outside b/c he’s so young. I’m just hoping and praying I can find somewhere for him.

    Has anyone else had experience with finding a home for a kitten?

    1. You probably already tried this, but I know people who have had good luck placing animals by posting them on FB.

       Good luck! You’re being very kind to this sweet little kitty.

    2. Any chance you live the midwest?

       1. Yes, I am in Ohio. Let me know if would like further details and I can give you an email address.

          1. I can’t help with the cat but I’m in OH now too… wonder if we’re near each other! As for the cat situation, try posting on craigs but list that there is an adoption fee and see who responds. The money will deter the majority of creeps and the emails you get will allow you to see who asks the right questions, cares about details, etc.

    3. If you do post to Craigslist there are some things you can do to ensure kitty goes to a good home.

       1) Ask for landlord contact info (and call to check to make sure they are allowed to have pets)
       2) Ask for a personal reference.
       3) Ask for a rehoming fee (small rehoming fees are allowed by Craigslist) but say you will waive the rehoming fee if the person will meet you at the vet’s office and pay the vet bill for shots/neuter.
       4) Make a copy of their driver’s license.

       Good luck! You’re a good person for taking acre of this kitty.

       1. *care

       2. Thanks! These are great tips.

    4. I have friends who have adopted kittens from craig’s list so it’s not just creeps out there. You can certainly screen some people and see what happens.
       Also, not sure if this would be appropriate at your workplace or your husband’s, but ask around there too. I’m not saying send a system wide email necessarily, but reach out to your coworkers (along with the rest of your network). And call some vets, too – they often help place cats and other animals in homes.
       I’m glad you’re doing such a good deed. I hope your other kitties are doing well, too.

       1. Another thought: maybe post where you are on this site and someone here will be interested?

       2. Someone who volunteered at a rescue sent system-wide emails at my last job every once in a while, and no one minded. If kitty needs a forever home ASAP, I think work could be a good place to start looking.

       3. Send pictures in the work e-mail. I can’t adopt a cat or dog, but never mind an adorable picture of one.

    5. This is pretty obvious and I’m sure you did this already but did you tell the shelters it is a sick kitten? I volunteer at a shelter and even when we are full we take kittens and sick and injured animals. You could also try local vets to see if they will foster it while you are on vacation and then you can adopt it out. Usually places are pretty sympathetic to people helping out a stray.

       1. No, I didn’t think to mention that he’s sick. So far we know it’s just an upper respiratory infection, but he hasn’t been tested for anything else yet. I’ll keep that in mind when I make the next round of calls.

       2. Or look at animal hospitals? I volunteered at the MSPCA in Boston and people brought in animals were sick, that had been hit by cars or suffered some other accident and they always took them in and gave them the care they needed. Is there any large, well-funded hospital like this near you?

    6. Poor little baby! Do you mind telling us what city you live in? Someone here might have some ideas (or just want an adorable little kitten)…

    7. My vet clinic takes in strays that hang out at the office and either get adopted or become permanent residents. Maybe some of the vet clinics around you do this? Similarly, what about the low cost spay/neuter clinic you mentioned? If they don’t take in strays, I would think they could help you.

       Other ideas would be to post on facebook (hopefully some “friend” or “friend of a friend” is interested and not a creep) or to ask around work, maybe put up a flyer in a break room.

    8. Have you tried calling smaller rescue organizations in your area? We have several of these in my area. I would look on Petfinder and make a list of all the organizations/shelters in your area that take cats, and call any that you haven’t already called. I would even call organizations that are breed specific, because sometimes they will take non-purebreds if you can make some kind of argument that the kitten might be at least partly that breed.

       I would also call local vets, boarders, and groomers and see if they have any suggestions for places that you might not have thought of. The boarder/groomer that I use also does dog and cat rescue.

       And definitely post to facebook and ask your friends to share with others.

       1. I was going to also ask if you’ve called rescue groups in your area. No experience with kitties, but I know that dog rescue groups in my city routinely take strays from people who find them. And the bonus is you don’t have to worry about the kitty ending up a shelter…

    9. If you do post on Craigslist, make sure you charge a significant adoption fee (at least $50) – it will deter a lot of the creeps. Free kittens are just inviting bad owners. And if you’re talking with rescues, don’t be wishy-washy about your intentions: make clear that you’ll drop him off at animal control if nobody takes him by a certain date. They tend to triage the most dire cases first, and a kitten in a safe home receiving medical attention isn’t in much danger.

       Geographic variations matter – I’ve heard that Southeastern shelters are up to their ears in cats, while some Midwestern shelters will still take them (especially kittens). If you can get him to some other region, you may have better luck.

       Have you checked out Petfinder dot com? I’m not sure if individuals can post to it, but it is a good resource to find pet rescue organizations within a certain radius.

       1. If individuals cannot post, you can ask a shelter to put up a courtesy listing for you. I haven’t done this myself, but have seen them up there.

    10. Have you tried contacting rescue leagues as opposed to shelters? A lot of them would be able to help and could foster the kitten. If you’re in the DC area, happy to recommend a few.

    11. Thank you so much for the awesome responses and support. I live in Ohio and if anyone would like more details my email address is “anonanalyst4 at gmail dot com”.

        We’ve posted to FB and both of us have asked around at work and with friends/family. I know it’s just been a day, so I’m hoping some leads show up!

    12. I will readily admit to not being up on my straytiquette, but were I to find a kitten, I’d probably have just taken it to the local shelter, without calling. Is this potentially a circumstance where asking forgiveness for showing up with kitty is potentially more effective than asking permission?

        1. If it’s a kill shelter, that would earn him a trip to the death chamber as soon as you leave. It sounds cruel, but shelters can’t care for additional animals beyond their capacity. If it’s a no kill shelter, they wouldn’t accept the kitty.

           1. Good/sad to know!

           2. This isn’t true for most shelters. There is at least a waiting period, I’ve noticed around 3 days.
              I’m all for not taking it to the shelter, but don’t word it to sound like the animal is slaughtered the moment you shut the door.

    13. Oh man! I just suffered through this exact situation this past wknd. My lil sis is up at our summer home in another state and picked up a stray kitten who was about to be left on side of a hwy by some guy so my sis took him in. The kitten was full of fleas which my mom washed out successfully w shampoo, no other health probs though. The kitten was soooooo sweet and perfect temperament, but our territorial cat was miserable and territorial the whole time, hissing and growling anytime kitten came near. So I asked everyone on FB and my co-workers to no avail. Ultimately, we decided to drive him to the Humane Society 30 mins away (thankfully this was in another state outside NY, don’t know if they’d be full elsewhere). It was heartbreaking but they said the kitten will definitely be adopted in no time since he’s so young and sweet, but they need to keep him for 6 wks to vaccinate him and wait till he’s old enough to neuter. I didn’t even want to leave him there that long cuz it was such a depressing place, but I think it was the right thing to do. Perhaps call Humane Society if you can, sorry to randomly unload my story on you with little to no advice!

        1. That’s okay! I’m glad to see your kitten was at least put in a shelter. I think kittens do get adopted quickly, so that’s what I’m hoping for.

           The situation with your territorial cat is times 3 in my house so that’s why it makes it hard to keep him.

           I’ve called a few Humane Societies and they are all full, so I’ll be checking with others in the area.

           1. Another idea besides Humane Societies is that we have cat-specific rescues in my area. I do not live in a major metropolitan area, either, so it might be worth a little googling.

    14. Tons of good advice here.

        One more thought: contact local independently owned pet (supply) shops, and see if they’d be willing to put up a sign in-store or post something to their facebook page/other social media. We have a high-end pet supply shop that routinely posts “looking for a forever home” type stuff on facebook, and they are pretty tied into the pet-loving people in our community, so I think it tends to be very productive.

12. I am an attorney looking into hiring a career coach to help me with my transition from Biglaw life to a saner job in the legal profession. Does anyone have any recs? I am in the NYC area, and specifically looking for help in marketing myself to employers and interviewing skills.

    1. I second this request – but for california :)

       1. I offer skype and phone coaching in regards to resumes, interviewing, and the like, if you’re interested. If you want an office to go to that’s local, try doing a yelp search for your local area.

          :)

13. Threadjack – I would like to get a tablet, but I’m not sure which one. I basically want something that I can carry around more easily than a laptop, but which would allow me to do most of what I could do on a laptop. That is, I’d like to be able to carry it to court and maybe edit or even type (I understand that the keyboards are separate) up some documents, look up things on the web, manage email and calendar, that sort of thing. Nothing fancy, though I like the idea of some apps, particularly the ones that would help with work stuff.

    I use a Samsung Smartphone (Android Apps), and I’m happy with it (though I may change when my contract’s up). Not a big fan of Apple (particularly of their prices, and the whole “coolness” thing), but I’m open to being convinced that the Ipad is worth the price. Or that it’s not. Thoughts on what is the best tablet for my needs?

    1. IMO, either a Google Nexus tablet or a Kindle Fire would be great for those things and are very well priced.

       1. I have a Kindle Fire, and I am very jealous of my hubby’s Galaxy.

    2. My husband has a Samsung Galaxy 10.1 that he loves. He takes meeting notes and edits documents pretty regularly. He has it set up to sync with his email, calendar, tasks, etc. He has been very happy with with the apps, the Android platform, and pretty much everything about it.

    3. Oh, I should add that I’d really prefer something with 3G or similar, so that I can use the web whereever. (Oh, how I wish the courts would get wi-fi!)

       (I’ll pretend that I’ll be using it to look up laws and stuff, not to surf C***rette during down time.)

14. I’m engaged to be married, and seeing all the posts earlier about divorcing when there was nothing wrong per se made me so nervous. I know this sounds naive but I thought you got divorced over “a thing.” Like cheating. For those r e ttt e s that left their spouse, what do you think happened? Did you know before you got married and just get married anyway because you felt like you should/were supposed to? Did something change in the relationship and he became totally different? Did you not date a long time before marriage and rush the decision? thanks in advance for any sharing/insight

    1. I’ll respond since I posted in this morning’s thread about my divorce. And because there has been a little trend in the last week or so for people to be freaking out about timing / being in your 20s. Basically, I was in my late 20s, and I’d dated a bit (2-3 serious boyfriends, lots of other 3-4 month flings), but nothing had really stuck and I was starting to get panicky about never finding someone. I think I even read a New York Times article around that time about professional / successful women and fertility problems, OF COURSE. So anyway, I was dating this guy who was very, very nice, everyone loved him, my parents were so happy, etc. I really loved being in that relationship because it gave me stability and a sense of home, and I always had a best friend to do activities and come home to every night. Getting married seemed like a given because we got along so well and he was so very nice.

       The only problem, which I really should have dealt with even before it got serious, was that I just wasn’t that attracted to him. I was in the beginning, when everything is new and fresh and crazy. But it faded and I just didn’t find him attractive. We had sex very rarely, usually only after a good pitcher of sangria. I think I just talked myself into the whole thing, saying things to myself like “attraction always fades, but this connection we have is so great!” and “it’s nice to be with someone who makes me feel so secure.” Etc.

       Once we got married, it all got worse. I think we had sex like 3 times in the 1.5 years that we were married. It was awful. AWFUL. And I really didn’t know what to do. It felt like my options were (1) cheat on him or (2) never have sex again. Bleggghghhg. In the end, I chose option (3) Get Divorced.

       And I am so, so glad I did. As I said this morning, after my divorce I met someone else and remarried. We’ve been together for 4 years now, and I’m so insanely attracted to him that I can’t even believe it. He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s professional, and he likes smart, sassy girls who challenge him. He’s awesome. And I never, ever would have met him if I’d chickened out and stayed in that first relationship.

       Sorry for the novel, but I hope that helps someone out there. =)

       1. “He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s professional, and he likes smart, sassy girls who challenge him.”

          Any chance he has a single brother? :)

       2. You just described by current relationship. I’m in my late 20s, and everything else is wonderful, but I am no longer attracted to him. He is definitely my best friend, very kind, my family loves him, but its just not there. We are on the verge of getting engaged, and I have been trying to convince myself that this is just some phase and I can work on it. It is very stressful. I appreciate your story.

          1. NOOOOOOO! Sorry for the caps but if you are no longer attracted to him, do not marry him.

             1. Thanks, NOLA! My heart has been heavy with figuring out the next move. I love him, and he is my best friend. We have been together for years, but I can’t figure out if this is something that I need to work on, or if I need to just move on.

             2. Just don’t settle. In my experience, the best relationships are those where both people in it feel like they are lucky to be with the other person. If you feel like you’re settling, it’s not going to get better. Have the confidence to get what you want and what you deserve.

             3. NOLA’s right. It’s not going to get better and I’d hate for you to be married and attracted to someone else. Attraction is a huge part of a relationship. I’m sorry you are in this situation.

             4. sorry for jacking the threadjack…

                This is the heart of my issue. I absolutely love him. I can’t imagine finding someone I am more compatible with… except for the physical part. And it is so hard to let go of an otherwise great relationship. Honestly, the holdup on the engagement is completely centered around this issue. It scares the both of us. Like the OP, it wasn’t always this way. Over time I just stopped being attracted to him physically, although he is still my best friend, and my go-to person for everything. I feel so lucky to have him in my life, and I want nothing more than to be physically attracted to him.

             5. you know, this is a very interesting thread for me. before my husband and i were married, we had been dating about 3-4 years. in the beginning, things were fabulous — intense and a good way, etc. as time went on, all of the good things stayed, but the passion seemed to be fading. And when we got engaged, and eventually married, he was my best friend and i loved him very much, but something still seemed off a bit — i kept hearing that pearl jam song (cant find a betterman) in my head over and over again. for a few years.

                somewhere along the line though, things changed. for the better. and although i dont think that crazy s*x everywhere mid-20s new relationship passion will ever be there on a regular basis, i am happier than ever. i love my relationship and am so glad i stayed. we have two beautiful children and have been together for 11 years.

             6. NOLA is right. My husband thinks he got so lucky snagging me, and I think I’m the lucky one for snagging him! We stay together (very happily) because we each think we’re getting the better deal! Life is long and difficult – you’ll only be able to stick it out together if you’re completely crazy about each other.

    2. I think I’m annoyed with your post because it reminds me of women who clamor for details about s3xual assault survivors “Did she get drunk? Was her skirt short? Did she go on a date? Did she go to the bad part of town?” just so they can tell themselves that since they don’t drink, don’t wear short skirts, don’t go to the bad part of town, and only date ‘nice’ guys, then they are safe from s3xual assault, and those survivors are “other” girls. Like it’s their faults for wearing short skirts or something. Which is ridiculous, because it can happen to anyone, even the most careful. Same for divorce. So, you can try to “other” the experiences of posters here – “oh, X didn’t date for a long time and rushed into marriage, but we dated for # years, so we won’t get divorced.” “oh, Y wasn’t 10000% sure about getting married and got married anyway, but I am 1000% sure… I think… so we won’t get divorced.” “oh, something changed in the relationship and I am sure nothing will ever change in ours, so we won’t get divorced” but you can never know. People get divorced for many reasons without either spouse having done something “bad.” People change, people grow apart. Nothing in life is guaranteed. If you think marriages only fail because someone misbehaved, then you should think about whether you are truly mature enough to get married.

       1. I think this might have read more harshly than perhaps you’d intended? I think the OP simply is curious as to what led like-minded women like her to find themselves there, things they didn’t know at the time but wish someone had told them, etc. Maybe she ought to have phrased it differently or something but I don’t think she was trying to justify things, nor did it warrant questioning her maturity level.

          1. Thank you K and others below. In no way was I trying to blame or insult the women here. But there has been a lot of posts lately from older or more experienced women who went through divorce and came out the other side, and most seem to be happier, more secure and more satisfied after. So I was just asking them to lookback with the benefit of hindsight, and tell me a little bit about their experience. I really appreciate everyone who has shared so far. I wasn’t clear in my first post, but I meant I grew up thinking you got divorced over a “thing” and I think for the most part that is not actually the majority. But those divorces are harder to hear about because they are more fluid, not black and white. So I appreciate hearing these experiences from women who I truly admire

       2. You can try to take steps to reduce your chances of something without necessarily expecting a guarantee. We all know that you can still get our stuff stolen if we don’t lock our doors, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t lock up in hopes of reducing the chances a little bit.

       3. I think this is a bit harsh. Divorce isn’t like an airplane falling out of the sky and landing on your head. I’m sure most people who have been divorced, even not for a “reason” can look back and think “I should have done X differently” or “He should have done Y differently” or “We should have hammered out Issue C before we got married” or “I shouldn’t have ignored Red Flag B.”

          Hindsight is 20/20, after all, and I don’t think it’s bad to ask in hindsight, is there anything others could have done to mitigate that risk, whether they were actions in the marriage specifically, or not getting married at all because you knew from early on it wouldn’t work. She’s not saying knowing these things will guarantee times 100 that she will NEVER EVER get divorced, but I think it’s okay to ask other people about their experience, to learn from those experiences. Does it mean she’s now “safe” from divorce? Of course not. But she didn’t say in her original message that she should she would be.

          1. *thought she would be. Sigh. One of those days.

       4. That was way harsh, Tai.

          1. You’re just a VIRGIN who CAN’T DRIVE!

             1. http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lt9em9nYtG1r4mur8o1_250.gif

                (courtesy of zora.)

             2. Do you even go here?

             3. I just have FEELINGS!

             4. Aaaaannnnnddd, Scene.

                (i love you all)

    3. I am happily married but my husband is previously divorced and unfortunately I am at the age where my friends are divorcing. Clearly this is all anecdotal but neither my husband nor my friends have any cheating stories. Instead they all say they either ignored red flags or thought things would change/be different/be better once they were married. They all also say that they did not communicate well to address those issues before they became serious problems in the marriage. I’m not sure if any of their marriages could have turned out differently or not but they all say either they wish they’d been more honest with themselves prior to marriage and more forthcoming with their spouses about problems after marriage.

       1. My fiance was previously married, and your comment sums his response up pretty well. Once the glitz & fun of engagement/wedding /newlywed wore off, there wasn’t much to sustain their relationship – it’s almost like they got married to revitalize it, kind of like having a baby during a troubled marriage to ‘bring us back together’.

          At any rate, it’s been interesting talking with him about our engagement (his 2nd, my 1st) and how it is similar/different from his first. The biggest part has been communication. He went to a counselor during his divorce, and I ended up going to the same counselor (my life coach!) when we began seriously dating. The counselor has really drummed ‘communicate, don’t avoid it!’ into both of our heads, as we’re well matched in avoiding/shutting down. Obviously, we don’t know that our marriage won’t end in divorce either, but I think we’re off to a stronger start, at least. :)

       2. “thought things would change/be different/be better once they were married”

          I’ve read somewhere this cited (somewhere? helpful, I know) as the top reason for relationships failing: one partner assumes the other will change something about themselves if given enough time/prodding/etc, and they never do.

       3. Ditto. My husband married his first wife – his high school sweetheart – after seven years of an increasingly-rocky relationship. He says his rationale for asking her to marry him was threefold:

          a) They’d been together long enough that asking her to marry him felt honourable… it was “the right thing to do”.
          b) He thought it would fix things.
          c) His parents were married, and they fought all the time, so fighting + marriage = normal.

    4. I’m a happily married person, but for those folks who said they were divorcing, there was a big problem. There WAS a “thing” or two:

       (1) They were not only no longer in love with their husbands, but in many cases, the mutual respect was gone, and there was some resentment built up.

       (2) Their husbands didn’t really love them. Sure, the husbands in those cases might have professed up and down that they did, but their jerky actions, non-support, and lack of consideration belied those claims. I’m not saying those husbands were malicious liars, but more that they were just deluding themselves and refusing to see themselves and the situation as they were.

       The only sticky thing is whether these couples tried to fix things or not. They may have, they may not have. But at the end of the day, when the love is gone, you can’t legislate it back or will it back.

       I dated my guy (now DH) a long time before marrying him, but that’s no guarantee of a successful, happy marriage. I know people who dated much shorter periods of time before marrying their spouses and they’re quite happy.

       There are some things people can do to help– like being fully realized individuals on their own, rather hoping someone will complete them (my motto is: if you’re bored and unfulfilled, then you’re being boring and not investing in yourself, don’t blame your spouse for this), being supportive and happy for your spouse’s successes, and not letting them fall into the background while the minutiae of life takes over. But beyond that, there are things that aren’t easily worked on, like chemistry, as well as certain personality traits (narcissism), or medical conditions (depression).

       1. My marriage was both (1) and (2). I absolutely loved my husband and made many sacrifices for both him and the marriage. Ultimately, it became clear that he was not equally invested in our marriage and my happiness. Looking back, I can see *now* that there were signs during our courtship this might be the case. However, no one flagged them. Everyone thought we were perfect for each other. And it’s entirely possible that I see those red flags now only because of how my marriage played out.

    5. We were very young (23 and 24, and just 3 years out of college) when we married, and we had been dating for 5 years. We divorced 5 1/2 years later because I discovered he’d been having an affair for a year. Even though we divorced because of a “thing,” on reflection (we divorced 16 years ago), I realize that although the marriage wasn’t *bad,* it also wasn’t as vibrant and strong and supportive and joyous and loving as it could have been and as my current marriage is. (An engineer would say it wasn’t “as robust” as it could be.)

       I don’t really blame either of us for marrying. (I do blame him for cheating.) But I think that even after five years, with both of us in our early 20s, and well educated, we just didn’t have the sophistication or perspective to know what a good marriage is or feels like or needs to thrive. Some of that could have been mitigated by extensive pre-marriage discussions (either facilitated by a counselor or together from a book) of all the things people say you should discuss before marrying, namely your positions on: kids, finances, religion, politics and sex. You can find books about these conversations and lists online. So I guess I wish we had done that. But, basically, I am now a believer in marrying only once you hit 28-30.

       1. I got married at 30, and definitely had a much, much better idea of who I was, what was important to me, what I wanted and needed out of partner, and what I wanted out of life at 30 than I did at 23. I think back to my 23 year old self, what I thought I wanted, and the guys I was dating at the time… all I can say is oi vey. Thank goodness I didn’t marry any of them.

          1. Thanks for these comments… never been married but am about 6.5 mos away from turning 30 and the side looks and peanut gallery commentary is growing louder. Glad to know that some “in the know” think waiting is the right thing.

             That said, anyone who wants to set me up, well, I’d be ok with that LOL

          2. I absolutely agree with this.

          3. Or, as my uncle has said to a relative who will remain nameless to protect, well, someone: “You don’t have to marry every girl you schtup.”

       2. I think your point about not knowing what a good marriage is or feels like is an excellent one. I think couples can do really well to think about this before getting married. You can ask yourself a series of questions about what you would do or what would happen in certain hypothetical situations. Really think about what it means to make that commitment to another person. Now, I’m not saying this is fail-safe, or that people who do or don’t do this dont or do get divorced, but I think it does/will help.

    6. oh girl, I can see how those posts would have you examine your relationship. I’m sorry. I was one of those posters and my ex-husband and I just weren’t suited for each other. I was naive and loyal (to a fault) and we met my sophomore yr of college. He was from another country and he moved here when I was 24/he was 28. Engaged a year later and I felt badly that he’d moved here to be with me. In hindsight, we really weren’t all that compatible and in my heart I knew he wasn’t what I wanted. Maybe I was a hopeless romantic that thought things would change. He was a selfish jerk and refused to get treatment for his depression. After you’re in your mid-20s, if you aren’t compatible you just drift apart. I enjoy being with people, exercising, cooking etc. He didn’t want me to go to grad school because he didn’t want to pay for it. He wanted me to make more money. He was a taker and I was a giver (ex. he wouldn’t get me birthday or christmas presents because he thought it was selfish of me to want them – his excuse for being cheap). I could go on and on. In the end, I didn’t love him anymore, I loathed and resented his presence and the control he had on my life because he was my husband. Bottom line, I made excuses for him both to myself and to my family. Also, after we separated the first time and got back together, he was having an emotional affair with a colleague. He claimed it wasn’t sexual but she sent him pics in her underwear….gross.

       So, to answer your questions. 1) That’s what happened. 2) I knew before I got married but was too dumb/inexperienced/nice/naive to deal with it like an adult and end the relationship. I allowed myself to be a doormat. 3) Nothing changed in the relationship (people don’t generally change). 4) We dated six years before we got married.

       1. I’ll chime in, as well, since I did earlier (while being vague about why my divorce happened).

          Our problems were of the intimate variety — made worse by my ex’s refusal to even talk to me about them — and they started well before the wedding. So for what it’s worth, in my case, I definitely, definitely knew there were problems before I said “I do,” and they were the problems that eventually caused me to leave.

    7. Just my experience…married at 23 after dating all through college. Divorced at 28 – came as a total shock to me. Looking back, I had lost sight of myself and lived in his shadow. Also, I had undiagnosed depression and was textbook co-dependent. Married again at 34 after several years of dating and living together and divorcing now, 11 years later. There were many red flags I ignored. I wanted to be married and I wanted it to last. But as much as we were perfect together in many ways, the relationship wasn’t balanced and he wasn’t a full partner. There is no way to guarantee that a couple will stay together, but in my opinion, complete honesty, respect, shared morals and values, a physical and emotional connection, and open communication are key ingredients. You don’t have to be twins, sharing the same opinions on everything (it’s probably better that you’re not), but there are some core issues on which you should agree. And for the record, both of my marriages were loving, joyous, and wonderful experiences, and my current relationship is showing me that life can be so unexpected and amazing. So like Dr. Seuss said – don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. I’m trying to embrace that mantra and live in the present.

       1. I love that sentiment. :)

    8. I knew before we got married but didn’t have the guts or the confidence to call it off.

    9. I feel like I went through this same panic before we got married. Maybe it was too much chick-lit about how people just fell out of love through no fault of their own or something. But, you can’t let all the noise get to you. I wouldn’t say my marriage is perfect. I would say it is strong and that DH and I are 100% committed to making it work. And it takes work, pre-marital prep work to make sure you are each comfortable in your own skin, that you want the same goals and are compatible and then the work during the marriage. Making sure your needs are met, communicating, learning when to stand up and when to back off, that sort of thing. I also think some of it is just luck and timing. My dad always likened it to parallel roller coasters. Sometimes you just need to ensure that both of you don’t get stuck simultaneously in a low spot for too long.

15. For those who have endometriosis or who know/love someone who does, this article is pretty great: http://www.vitalhealth.com/blog/endometriosis/what-it-really-means-to-have-endometriosis/

    1. This is an amazing resource. I’m going off the depo next month and will be closely monitoring my situation with a physician who will surgically treat endometriosis. I fully intend to read every word on this blog.

       1. I think sometimes women like us (career focused, driven, etc.) feel guilty if we look weak or judge another woman who appears weak. I found this article to be really helpful in reminding myself not to let it feel like a choice to be weak and I hope it helps others to consider this as a possible consideration before passing judgment of others.

    2. I had endometriosis, which was not diagnosed until my 40’s when I had a young son but was not able to conceive again. No way of knowing how long I had it, but it was at stage 4 when they figured it out and quite painful and disabling. I spent most of a year having it treated and ended up with a full hysterectomy and then had to deal with hormone issues and menopause. I highly recommend Hyster Sisters, which is a support blog for those with endometriosis. It has great information and many helpful forums for those dealing with this disease. It is more than ten years later and I feel great now so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    3. Thanks for posting this!

    4. Thanks so much for posting this (even if I’m super late)!

16. re HSBC

    I just logged on to view my account. Before I could even enter my passwords, the following message appeared:

    “Recently, Online Savings Account customers received an email indicating the Funds Transfer-in fee is changing on September 23, 2012. Please note, this is not a new fee and pertains to wire transfers into your account only. Bank to Bank transfers and other automated deposits, such as direct deposits of payroll and tax refunds, are not impacted by these changes.”

    1. Good to know. I feel like I should mention a positive HSBC experience here, too, while we’re on topic. Someone withdrew a $1000 from my account using a card duplicate last month. HSBC investigated and determined it was fraudulent, so I am not responsible. But importantly – they immediately replaced the missing $1000 in my account while the investigation was still ongoing (which some banks won’t do) so that I didn’t have to be affected by the issue beyond getting a new card & pin code. So, yay, HSBC (and, nay, I don’t work for them ;))

17. I posted this earlier, but I’m hoping for more help from the hive (Many thanks for the helpful website, I’ll certainly send her there!) — I ‘ll take all the help I can get! My sister is about to start her second year of college and she’s not really sure what type of career she wants to pursue post-college. She’s declared herself as a marketing major, but isn’t married to that idea right now. She kind of wanted something a bit more in the graphic arts, while still being practical. Can anyone recommend a book that I can point her to that might explain what certain careers actually end up being like in practice? For example, I think she’d be great in HR, but my explanation probably isn’t doing it justice at all. TIA!

    1. most all schools have a career counselor on campus, with an office full of such books. Perhaps she can head there to browse for free and chat? They might even have alums with those careers whom she can speak with or shadow too!

    2. Have your sister browse job postings (indeed dot com is good). She can see what kind of day-to-day job duties appeal to her and tailor her education to that.

    3. What Color is my Parachute is actually helpful. I’d also suggest The Defining Decade, which seems to be a [this site] favorite.

       1. I also recommend What Color is your Parachute. Haven’t read the defining decade.
          Has she considered pursuing the arts and then minoring in something that will make her more widely hireable or vice versa? It’s not all or nothing.

       2. Second the Defining Decade recommendation. Won’t tell her what career she should pursue, but will give her a good idea of things she should be thinking about related to her potential career…not to mention the other great chapters on love, brain, etc.

18. I think the Dept. of Labor’s Occupational Outlook Handbook is good for giving a basic rundown of career descriptions and would be a good place to start. After that though, I think she’d get the most out of meeting with someone in that career and asking them what they do–both day-to-day and long-term. She might even consider setting up a job shadow if steps 1 and 2 still have her interested. If she doesn’t know anyone in that career, her school’s career services office and/or alumni association should be able to help set her up with a willing alumni.

    1. Oops–that should be a reply to recent grad.

19. I’m looking for the thread recommending books that new lawyers should read. It included many suggestions, including books for improving grammar and writing. I’ve tried google search and can’t locate it, and I’m usually really good at sifting through old threads :-/ TIA!

    1. There were some suggestions in this thread: https://corporette.com/2011/09/07/wednesdays-tps-report-leopard-jacquard-pencil-skirt/

    2. I am a new lawyer, and I’ve read tons of these books. The following three are my favorite.

       Swimming Lessons for Baby Sharks
       The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law
       NGDGTCO (Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office if you are new to the site)

       I also think that Bryan Garner’s book about briefwriting (I believe it’s The Winning Brief) is helpful, but nothing is more helpful than trying to work with a partner who writes well and then studying his or her edits to your work.

       1. Oh! That thread reminded me of Point Made, which was really good.

          And it’s funny to me that I started it and now I am giving advice after my huge one year in practice.

    3. I add things to my list of books I want to read when I see them mentioned, so here is my list. I think most of them were mentioned here. Some of these are just about business in general and I haven’t read most of these, so I cannot vouch for them.

       David Maister- Managing a Professional Service Firm
       Time Management for Dummies
       Francis Wellman- Cross Examination
       Saul Alinsky- Rules for Radicals
       Daniel Petrocelli- Triumph of Justice
       Jay Foonberg- How to Start and Run a Law Practice
       McElhaney- Trial Notebook
       Ross Gubeman- Point Made: How to Write Like the Nation’s Top Advocates
       Mark Hermann- The Crumudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law
       Robert I. Sutton- The No A**hole Rule
       Talking from Nine to Five
       100+ Winning Answers to the Toughest Interview Questions
       Marshall Goldsmith- Mojo: How to Get It, How to Keep It, How to Get It Back If You Lose It
       Swimming Lessons for Baby Sharks
       Iain M. Banks- Consider the Leapist
       Why Employees Don’t Do What They’re Supposed To
       Let My People Go Surfing
       Neil Fiore- The Now Habit
       Peggy Klaus- Brag!: the Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It
       Feldhahn- The Male Factor: The Unwritten rules, Misperceptions, and Secret Beliefs of Men in the Workplace
       Tom Peters- Brand You
       David Allen- Getting Things Done
       Stephen Covey- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
       Julie Morgenstern- Time Management from the Inside out
       The E-Myth Attorney
       Pitch Like A Girl
       Ending the Gauntlet
       The Effective Executive
       Secrets of Power Negotiating
       The Magic of Tinking Big

       1. Ermahgerd! Leryer berks!

    4. I also agree w/ “The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law” and “NGDGTCO” and “Swimming Lessons for Baby Sharks”

       Would like to add this one that I’ve read: “Jagged Rocks of Wisdom: Professional Advice for the New Attorney” by Morten Lund

       On my reading list, which I might never get to are:

       1) The Fire Starter Sessions: A Soulful + Practical Guide to Creating Success on Your Own Terms by Danielle Laporte

       2) Point Made: How to Write Like the Nation’s Top Advocates by Ross Guberman

       3) Courageous Counsel: Conversations with Women General Counsel in the Fortune 500 by Kara Sophia Baysinger; Michele Coleman M

       4) The Corner Office: Indispensable and Unexpected Lessons from CEOs on How to Lead and Succeed by Adam Bryant

       5) A Life in the Law: Advice for Young Lawyers by William S., Jr. Duffey

       6) The Vanishing American Lawyer by Thomas D. Morgan

       7) Quitter by Jon Acuff

       8) 21 Dirty Tricks at Work: How to Win at Office Politics by Colin Gautrey

       9) Women, Work & the Art of Savoir Faire: Business Sense & Sensibili​ty by Mireille Guiliano

       10) Power Genes: Understanding Your Power Persona–and How to Wield It at Work
       by Maggie Craddock

       11) The Creative Lawyer: A Practical Guide to Authentic Professional Satisfaction
       by Michael F. Melcher

       12) Nice Girls Just Don’t Get It: 99 Ways to Win the Respect You Deserve, the Success You’ve Earned, and the Life You Want by Lois P. Frankel

       13) Writers on Writing: Collected Essays from The New York Times by The New York Times

       14) Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time
       by Tahl Raz

       15) Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life
       by Stuart Diamond

       16) Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing (Quick & Dirty Tips)
       by Mignon Fogarty

       17) I’m at a Networking Event–Now What???: A Guide to Getting the Most Out of Any Networking Event by Sandy Jones-Kaminski

       18) In Defense of Women: Memoirs of an Unrepentant Advocate by Nancy Gertner

       19) Wander Woman: How High-Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction
       by Marcia Reynolds

       20) The Happy Lawyer:Making a Good Life in the Law by Nancy Levit

       21) The Legal Analyst: A Toolkit for Thinking about the Law by Ward Farnsworth

       1. whoops, sorry for hogging up the thread with all that space consumption! hope you find it useful

          1. I find it helpful! More stuff to add to my list. :-)

20. Threadjack for an update:

    Some of you may remember that I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I had an MRI of my breasts, which showed 1) the cancerous mass is bigger than previously believed; 2) two more suspicious masses in the same breast; and 3) a suspicious mass in the other breast. I go in for more biopsies tomorrow and maybe Friday.

    A mastectomy is likely. Chemo is a given. If the mass in the other breast is cancer, I am going to push for a bi-lateral mastectomy (it’s small enough for a lumpectomy). I’m no longer concerned only about my life being hijacked for a year. This is bigger than that.

    I am being well taken care of. My surgeon is great, and my family, friends, and colleagues have rallied. EC MD has been an invaluable source of handholding and information during the initial panic. Additional special thanks to posters with real initials RS and SS – your cards were in my mailbox when I got home from the surgeon’s office, completely shattered at the news. I will admit I cried most of the weekend.

    I realized this morning that I am beginning to cope with this new reality when I had this thought: I spent most of my life as an 8-shape, and the last 5 years as an apple. After my surgery, I will be a pear! And then I laughed. Out loud.

    I’ll be okay, ladies. I just wanted to let you know, and to thank you again for your kindness and support.

    1. I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for keeping us updated; please know I am sending internet hugs/prayers/whatever you want in your direction.

    2. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. Best wishes.

    3. Just like a c’retter to consider your shape changing hehe The way I see it, you’ll not only end up stronger than ever, your awesomeness will be clear since you’ll truly be a shape-shifter and that’s something only superheros are known to do!

       lovelovelove

    4. Seattleite, thank you for the update. I’m sorry you didn’t get better news but I am glad this community is a source of support for you. I am thinking of you lots and please let us know if you need anything. I admire your strength and humor. Much love and hugs to you.

    5. Seattleite, I’m so sorry the news was worse than you expected but I’m so glad you have such great support around you, including some amazing commenters on this site.

    6. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I thought of you the other day and wondered how you were doing. Just know that there is an entire contingent of women (and maybe a male or two) on the internet who wish nothing but the best for you.

    7. Thanks for reporting back. I’m sorry the news wasn’t what you had hoped. Hopefully you have a good support network that you can rally to help you cope. I went through this with my mom (who is perfectly healthy now almost 10 years post-mastectomy), and I know how tough it can be. One piece of advice – I don’t know how old you are, but when you are discussing treatment options, be sure to get information about how the different options may impact someone of your age and activity level. My Mom was in her 40s when she went through this and learned after the fact that the reconstruction option she chose has had some negative impact on her ability to be active in hiking, biking, running, yoga, etc. She later learned that these procedures are frequently studied on older, less active women. Just something to keep in mind as you move forward. I am sending positive thoughts (my Mom would say to that, “Just say ‘prayer’ Jenny!”) your way.

    8. thinking about you and sending some positive thoughts your way.

    9. Thank you for the update. I’m so sorry the news isn’t better! I hope you feel you can come here whenever you need extra support. Please keep us posted.

    10. Internet hugs. We’ll be thinking of you.

    11. Thank you for letting us know.

        Just yesterday, a girlfriend shared with me that her sister was diagnosed with BC and is having a mastectomy today. That makes three immediate family members for my friend: mom and both sisters.

        My friend had a preventive (? is that the right term) double mastectomy 4 years ago and reconstructive surgery 6 months later. So re your “I am now a pear shape” thoughts, my friend is now a va-va-voom shape (but in an age and size appropriate way — she is 51 now).

        I have another girlfriend, in her mid-30s, who tested and discovered she had BRCA last year and also had a double mastectomy. She is also doing well and back to picking up her toddlers etc.

        Please know we are thinking of you.

    12. Thank you for the update – so sorry that you are going through this. There are lots of people thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way.

    13. Wishing you the best. Any other Seattleites want to have a Seattle meetup to rally around Seattlite (unless you’re not feeling up for it, S)? We’re here for you.

        1. Such a nice thought! Really, I don’t know. In person I am very shy, and right now I cry at the drop of a hat. The next couple of weeks until surgery are going to be full of appointments and other preparations. I would love a virtual meetup, though. Send funny websites and youtube videos to seattleite.training@gmail.com? And maybe an in-person meetup later?

           1. sounds great! more hugs (and sorry for misspelling your handle)!

           2. awww, Sweetie, I’m so sorry about this news!!! i am a little obsessed with Funny Animated Gifs so i’ll be one of your cheering up pen pals! lotsandlotsandlots of internet hugs <3

    14. I am so so sorry you didn’t get better news. Lots of hugs, good vibes, and happy thoughts your way.

        And if it helps cheer you up, just think of all the awesome new clothes you’ll get to buy when you kick cancer’s sorry a*s to complement your wonderful new shape.

    15. Hugs Seattleite.

    16. Can you post your email address again so we can get your real life address and send you more love?? I missed it the first time around. I also tend to find random funny things on the internet I want to share with someone and since you need a laugh, you can be that person!

        1. seattleite.training@gmail.com

           I have made a special folder in my inbox for the emails, and special bookmarks for the funny links. They have been helpful and comforting during the dark moments. Thank you all.

    17. SO sorry to hear this is worse than expected!!

        re: mastectomies & pear shapes! If that means you’re not planning on reconstruction right now, I can say (from my mom’s experience vs a friend) the recovery might be quicker than you think! My mom had a single mastectomy with lymph node resection, but no reconstruction, and she was back on her feet really quickly. (Not lifting weights or anything, but walking around). I was really surprised comparing her experience to a friend who had reconstruction right away- her recovery was more like what you’d expect from such a big surgery (literally laid up in bed for weeks).

        My mom opted not to have the reconstruction (ever) and no one ever cares or knows. She has all these different fake boobs for different types of clothes/activities/etc and you seriously cannot tell at all.

    18. so sorry to hear you are going through this

        <>

        1. that was supposed to be “internet hugs”

           thinking good thoughts for you!!

    19. I am so sorry you are going through this. My identical twin sister went through diagnosis just over five years ago, surgery, chemo, and radiation. We’re having a five year get together (also birthday for my twin and I) next week.

        Take care of yourself, that is one of the most important things.

        I had a bilateral prophylactic mastectomy myself (BRCA1 positive–breast cancer gene). If you want to email off-site, let me know. There are some tips I can give you on THAT. Not fun and lots of crying before the surgery, but not a second’s regret.

        We are all thinking of you.

    20. I think it’s very courageous of you to share what you are going through! I wish you the best and will be thinking of you.

    21. Adding my support and cyber-hugs. I’d be crying all the time, too, if I were you, but I think your ability to laugh as well shows how strong you are. I hope I could handle this kind of situation with equal grace.

21. Am I totally ridiculous?

    On my way home from work last night I stopped to pick up groceries to make dinner for my husband and me. Well, when got back into my car it wouldn’t start. The battery was completely dead. So I am sitting in the car getting extremely frustrated at the situation and feeling totally embarrassed as people are walking by and staring at me because the lights on my car are turning off and on and the wipers are going. Also, it is about 90 degrees in my car and I have bags of groceries in the backseat. I call my husband and tell him what’s going on and our conversation goes like this:

    Anon: My battery is dead and I’m suck at the grocery store
    DH: Call AAA and have them tow the car to the shop
    Anon: It doesn’t need a tow, it needs a jump so I can get back home
    DH: Call AAA and they can do it
    Anon: Ok…..
    DH: Is that it?
    Anon:……
    DH: Ok I’ll see you when you get home

    I can’t begin to describe how p*ssed off I was at this point. This is probably mostly because I was overheated and frustrated but I think he should have at least offered to drive to the grocery store (10 minutes away from where he was) and pick up the stuff in the car. He made me feel like I was inconveniencing him by the situation and that he didn’t want to be disturbed with the hassle so I should just figure it out on my own. After I got upset with him he drove over to help me but as we were sitting in his car we started arguing again and the told me to “get out of the car.” I didn’t. I think what he did was over the top but am I out of line here? He behavior is very worrysome to me and makes me wonder how his attitude is affecting our marriage.

    Please someone tell me if I am overreacting.

    1. What was he doing when you called? (Was there a chance it would be difficult for him to break away from it?) Is he normally like this, or is he otherwise helpful and supportive? If this is typical, has it always been typical, or is it something new?

       1. He had just gotten home from work. I hate to say it but this sort of attitude is not a-typical for him. It is frustrating because if one little thing goes wrong for him he calls me asks me to help him – which I always do of course. Before I started my job asked me to drive to his office and bring him new pants because he spilled something on his. I was annoyed but I did it because I would hope that my husband would do the same for me if I needed him to. It is irritating that this type of support doesn’t go both ways with him.

          1. Also – no kids or pets so there was nothing pressing happening at home

             1. Ok. Now I’m mad for you. And my SO would agree with me and you – SO would never want me stranded anywhere and if he couldn’t help me he would call me back every few minutes until I was ok (and I’m not a delicate flower, either). Proceed to Seattleite’s advice below. You deserve better and I’m sorry you didn’t receive it.

          2. If you ask directly for what you want, do you get the same kind of attitude? I think that makes a difference as well. Have you said to him, in a calm moment, we are a team. You expect X, but when I ask for it I get attitude/unhelpfulness, etc?

             That said, you are a better woman than I am. If my SO told me to “get out of the car” after I went grocery shopping for both of us, I’d still be at a hotel.

       2. I need more info too. Did you specifically ask him to come and give you a jump (I am sure it was implied that he would do that). Without knowing more and if he could’ve gotten out whatever he was doing (he was at home, his work day was almost over) then yes he should’ve come over without you having to get upset over it. It’s just a stupid battery, geez. Takes a few minutes to get right.

    2. If he was at home watching TV, then you are not overreacting. If he was in the middle of brain surgery, you are overreacting. I think it completely depends on what he was doing. Dinner with friends he sees often? He should have come to you. Dinner with a friend he rarely sees? You could have coped on your own. (Do you have jumper cables in your car and know how to use them?) However, assuming you weren’t becoming abusive during the argument, telling you to get out of the car was a little over the top.

       If this is just a one-off, talk it out, etc. If this was something that has opened your eyes to an ongoing pattern, time to bring in the big guns (counseling, stat).

       1. “If this is just a one-off, talk it out, etc. If this was something that has opened your eyes to an ongoing pattern, time to bring in the big guns (counseling, stat).” This. Take care of yourself.

       2. Unrelated to the anger at your husband, I definitely suggest having jumper cables in your car. I’ve asked strangers in a parking lot for a jump before and I’ve always been able to find someone to help me. If you don’t want to ask anyone for help and this is something that happens to your car on occasion, they also make jumper box things that holds a charge so you can jump it yourself (I’m not sure what they are called). It might be worth looking into getting one.

          I agree with the others who suggest asking for it directly as that might have a better chance of getting the result that you want, but I’d probably be upset or disappointed if my boyfriend didn’t offer to come help just from telling him that my battery had died.

          1. Those are external jumper batteries. They are so useful. You do have to make sure to keep them charged, but it’s a great idea to keep one in your car.

    3. I do not think you were. If he was 10 minutes away, that’s faster than triple AAA and there’s food involved. Plus the tow truck guy is coming. He is not your brother, he is your husband. You are a team. He should want to help you. Plus he is establishing a pattern where you have to complain or b*tch (in his mind) at him to get help he should already be offering.

       Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting to stuff and it helps to identify that I am (I usually am) by telling a girlfriend out loud. By the time I am finished saying it out loud, I am like okayyy that was a little overreaction. This is what you did here but I do not think you were overreacting.

       1. Heck, I would be annoyed if my brother didn’t help me in that situation! I guess I may be kind of a jerk sister though. But ten minutes away and at home, and your answer is “call AAA?” AAA takes an hour! At least!

    4. I would have been upset if my husband didn’t come help me! I drive an old car and he always comes when I need him. I do admit that he ran out of gas and I didn’t go help him though. (It was the second time in about a week that it happened to him and I was out to lunch and had paid but was waiting for my food about 30 minutes away from him and he was within walking distance of the gas station.) He still hasn’t let me live that down though!

    5. I’m not going to tell you you’re overreacting, but why didn’t you just ask him to come to where you were and either give you a jump or pick up the grocieries if that’s what you wanted?

       1. Good question. I eventually pointed it out to him that the food could go bad and in the event the jump didn’t work and the tow truck would have to drive me home – and how would I fit everything in the truck with me (groceries, work computer, wedding gift that I haven’t sent out yet in the backseat). He still said it wasn’t a big deal and that I could find a way to make it work.

          I guess I was hoping that he wouldn’t need me to convince him to come out and help me. I was hoping that the fact I was stuck would be enough.

          1. Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like an a**. Maybe an off day, but I literally just asked my SO and he goes not a chance. He also was willing to bet that your husband is a gamer.

             1. not a gamer – a corporate lawyer!

             2. Whoops! A little off. I posed it as if this happened what would you do and he didn’t understand the question – you go to help your loved ones (if the circumstances permit). I think plenty of ladies have given you much better advice above, but you definitely have the right to be ticked! I hope you all figure this out and your husband steps it up.

          2. This is not to excuse his actions in the least, but ask directly for what you want. “DH, my car battery is dead and I need a jump. Also, hurry, or the ice cream is going to melt.”

             Don’t give him the option to be dense.

             1. +1

    6. I don’t think you should have been upset with your husband for not volunteering to get the groceries since you didn’t ask him to it directly. Some people aren’t necessarily intuitive about that kind of stuff. I think he should have been at least a little chagrined that he didn’t come straight over to help you once you communicated that was what you wanted from him.

       I’d probably raise holy h3ll if someone told me to “get out of the car” though.

    7. Unacceptable. You have every right to be angry under the circumstances (him at home 10 minutes away from you). As a spouse, this sort of thing is kind of in the job description.

       If DH ever told me to “get out of the car” while he was driving and I was a passenger, it would trigger a sh*tstorm the likes of which you have not seen.

    8. If it had been me (and with no extenuating circumstances, like his legs were broken or was caring for a sick child), I would be very angry.

    9. You are definitely not overreacting. Under the circumstances, he should have said “I’ll be right there” and that would be the end of it. I’m all for being self-sufficient, but a marriage is a partnership and this was an easy one to prove that you are partners. It does sound like there’s more going on than just his inappropriate response though. Counseling might help break through the communication gap. I can’t help but feeling there’s a lack of respect for you and I hope I’m wrong. Hugs

       1. Thanks for your honesty Irongirl. Sometimes I wonder the same thing but I am not sure if there is a way to confirm it. I know that sounds silly but it is really hard to see an issue with your spouse for what it really is.

          I have debated some sort of marriage counseling but I am not sure what I would say. “My husband is mean to me sometimes”? Maybe it would be better if I went alone first to see what came out of it…

          1. Anon – think about how he reacts to you. Things like when you ask him to pick something up at the store, fill your car with gas, come to an event you need to attend, go with you to the doctor, put the laundry in the dryer, take out the trash, get you a drink etc. Does he brush it off or not pay any attention to you, or does he pitch in and follow through even if its not on his fun list? Does he show up on time, come home when he says he will, and generally respect your time and your together time? In my experience, it starts with the little things and builds. The way he says what he says is just as important as what he says. Does he dismiss your statements in a serious conversation or in an argument as overreacting or being ridiculous? Or does he listen and accept what you have to say?

             I’m no expert, trust me, but I know what it’s like to have your self-esteem chipped away little by little by offhand comments that really amount to a lack of respect. But it may just be a personality quirk that doesn’t amount to anything more than bad communication.

             So yes, try therapy and go alone first. You will feel so much more in control of your half of the relationship when someone else hears you and gives you a fresh perspective. Again, hugs.

    10. I think you’re totally ridiculous, but I’m also the kind of person who does not call for help unless it’s truly an emergency. If it’s the norm for you to call your husband for things like this, then he may have been unreasonable. But really, couldn’t you ask someone in the lot if they could give you a jump? It would have taken less time than you spent arguing with your husband. And if you’re shy about asking strangers, well, you’re paying for an AAA membership so you may as well use it.

        1. I kind of have to agree here. If your tires were flat, or something that can’t be fixed quickly, OK…

           I think the real issue here is that you and your husband do not communicate in the same way. A lot of times our partners don’t get the cues we are sending to them, and we perceive their disregard as a slight, but in truth they didn’t get it in the first place. Counseling may help, I would also check out the 5 love languages.

    11. If you had left your lights on, and knew why your battery was dead and indeed a jump would have easily fixed it, I think he was being a lazy jerk… if it was unknown why your battery was dead, and neither of you are that great at mechanical things so there was no way either one of you was going to be able to fix it on the spot (or at home later) if a jump wasn’t enough, I can see the point of having AAA come out. At least that way, someone would be there to tow it to the shop if it was the alternator, for example, or if the battery needed to be swapped out.

    12. Speaking as a single woman who has had boyfriends like this (maybe that explains the still single): he’s being a jerk.

        In a relationship, car trouble help is a “gimme” (give-me) like rides to/from the airport, stopping to let me pee, taking me to the hospital, not leaving wet things lay about haphazardly (and keeping the house generally orderly), helping with moving, and buying me t*mpons when he is already at the store (and vice-versa for me to do for him).

        FWIW, I’ve dumped guys for repeated offenses of my “gimme” theory. If this is a regular thing, this at least warrants a serious conversation about whether you and him need to see a counselor.

    13. You are being totally ridiculous ONLY if he was in the middle of a prostate exam, or maybe court. Other than that, his first words should have been “are you okay? I’ll be right there.”

        1. Agree with this. The ONLY response that would have been right is “I’m coming now” or an explanation for why he couldn’t come, but sympathy.

    14. Maybe it’s different in your city, but here you can easily wait an hour for AAA. I’ve had to call them a couple of time for flat tires, once was 45 minutes, once was only 30 minutes. But still, anything frozen in your bags would be long gone. Anyway, I’d be upset. But, did you specifically say, I need you to come give me a jump because it’s hot and the groceries are melting? Some guys need things spelled out.

    15. He told you to get out of the car? WTF?

22. I’m going to have to be a little vague about this, but I am doing a project where I will be working very closly with the city attorney from the city I live in for almost a year. I have been trying to get into either city government or the city attorney’s office with the goal of going into politics or becoming a judge for some time.

    I am SO excited! I’m sure working in close proximity to the city attorney and other city officials will help the next time there is a vacancy to fill in the city attorney’s office! They keep a staff of about 15 attorneys, so it could be at any time.

23. Was offered a higher paying job at another firm (30K raise higher paying, all the perks and trimmings) and am leaving my current firm. When I give notice I will have worked here less than 3 months. No intention of taking any clients and the new firm will pay back all costs that this firm had in moving me here and getting me set up with the law society. I have every intention of giving 30 days notice.

    Honestly I would have stayed here but the raise was simply too good to pass up. Just wondering for some advice on protocol.

    Can I just write a letter, do I have to speak to anyone in person…?

    1. I am not an attorney, but it seems to me that the best thing to do is speak to your hiring partner in person. (If they were letting you go, wouldn’t you want to be told in person? And, just putting a letter on someone’s desk seems a little chicken[stuff], frankly.)

       Word gets around. You want the current firm to speak well of you in the future.

    2. You can do a written resignation letter, but you need to give it to someone in authority in person and explain yourself. Depending on the size of the firm, that would likely be the partner you work most closely with, possibly the managing partner (not the MANAGEING PARTNER) and maybe the office manager. You may need the reference someday. Your short tenure there may burn the bridges no matter what you do, but you have to try.

24. Does anyone have a Paralegal Manager at their firm? What strengths/benefits or job skills would one need? Thanks for any thoughts. :)

    1. We do. She is great. The Head Paralegal is usually a very experienced paralegal who knows all the ropes.

       From my view as an attorney, the Head Paralegal is responsible for:
       1. Training new paralegals.
       2. Managing the paralegals (coverage, back-ups, etc)
       3. Training all paralegals in new procedures (and stuff).
       4. Helping out with “rush-hour”s.
       5. Helping out with tough paralegal-level questions (e.g., docketing, forms to use, etc)
       6. Working with attorneys to update procedures and providing feedback to attorneys about how to improve procedures.
       7. Implement new procedures at the paralegal-level and at the case management-level (one level lower than paralegal).
       8. Help paralegals with “unresponsive” attorneys.
       9. “Training” attorneys on new procedures.
       10. Acting as a liaison when there are differences of opinion between a paralegal and someone else.

       So I guess it’s a lot of working with others, training others, and being a resource.

    2. No, but we need one?! Here is my wish list: manage paralegal performance reviews; create, maintain, and ensure compliance with office protocols and best practices; liaise with attorneys re paralegals’ responsibility; manage time-off requests to ensure appropriate coverage (i.e., no, not everyone can be gone on the same day); develop HR-type policies as appropriate (i.e. can attorneys hold paralegals over their time, what are procedures for getting OT approved, etc.); keep apprised of relevant issues (i.e. rule changes)….

       1. Thanks… I have an interview for a Paralegal Manager position. I have about 10 years experience as a paralegal, a Masters and a desire to evolve my career. It’s obviously not a direct fit, and I’m worried I won’t effectively convey that I can do it….

          1. This might come in handy:

             http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/08/study-your-boss-really-is-more-productive-than-you-sorry/261334/

          2. Why isn’t it a direct fit? I’m not trying to pry, I honestly just DESPERATELY want a Paralegal Manager now that I know it exists. My firm is probably not quite large enough to sustain the position, but I am fascinated that this position exists.

             1. I just meant that it’s from a paralegal position to a paralegal manager position and not a paralegal manager position to another paralegal manager position.

                Obviously, I know how a law firm works, but don’t have management experience, don’t deal with budgets now, etc. I think I can learn those things, but sometimes feel that I don’t do a good enough job of selling that.

             2. I don’t think Paralegal Managers deal with budgets beyond making sure the paralegals are meeting their hour requirements.

             3. Can you split it with another job? At my mid-size firm, our librarian more or less takes on this role, minus what HR handles (which is perfect because he can also handle any research or cite checking question they might have).

25. All these posts of divorce/relationship makes me kind of sad/depressed. I have a family member currently going through a separation/divorce. I was in a long term relationship where I really believed that he was the one. That relationship is no more. He wanted a “break”, and I know that it’s becoming a “break up”. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the last few days during our “break” and I’m coming to terms that we may not be suited for each other. I still very much want to be with him, but like he said, it seems more like a one-sided relationship. So why should I be with someone that doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.

    All these recent posts makes me wonder if I’ll ever find someone. Honestly, I’m completely jealous at everyone who has managed to find somebody who they love and who loves them back. Because it sounds so rare and hard. Would appreciate any encouragement, words of advice etc as I find the courage to completely break free from my past relationship, in order for me to truly move on, be single again and hopefully one day find the right person for me…. (all with the ticking clock sounding loudly in my ears – though I try to ignore it, I know I want to have kids one day soon).

    1. Don’t despair! Life is a journey and you have to accept the experiences, good and bad. I speak from experience when I tell you that I know it is really really difficult to break free and move on, and it doesn’t matter if it is you doing the breaking up or if you’re on the receiving end. I’ve gone through two really serious long term relationships that ended after many years. Both had their ups and downs, but I try to look back and smile.

       Now I have a new relationship with a man who knows who he is, wants to try new things together, and who loves being with me. We laugh all the time, listen to each other and support each other, and we take each day as it comes. That’s not to say we don’t have rough spots, but we agreed to talk to each other no matter what. It may last, it may not. But for now, it’s where I’m supposed to be.

       And you are where you’re supposed to be. It’s your life so you need to live it the way you want to live it. You deserve love and happiness. Don’t give someone else power over that – you are worthy of a big, full, happy life. If having kids is part of that, and no partner comes along when you are ready, then find another way. You are stronger than you think. Hugs

    2. I posted above about how/why I got divorced and how much better my current marriage is than my first was. But I don’t want to leave you with the impression that life is rainbows and unicorns and you’re just alone in the rain and the dark without a partner. So, let me share that I was single — and I mean really, really single as in no dates, no “benefits” of any kind, all I did was work and stay home alone — for 8 years after my divorce. Then I dated a blowh*#rd for one year. Then I took 2 years to recover from that, during which I was really, really single (see definition above) again. Then one day I met my husband and am happier than I ever could have thought possible.

       Here’s the thing: one day you don’t know your partner and you feel alone. And then the next day, you meet your partner and now you know him/her and you aren’t alone. And — you never know which day that is going to be.

       It is a long, hard road. And my husband and I talk all the time about how we wish we had met earlier (because more years together), but that had we met earlier it never would have worked (we hadn’t “been to appreciation school” — our marriage counselor’s phrase — yet).

       1. I’ve never been married, but I was single for 10 years (college and beyond) and I feel like I really know myself and am comfortable with who I am. I’m in a great relationship now, but I definitely felt like it was never going to happen for me.

          “One day you don’t know your partner and you feel alone. And then next day, you meet your partner and now you know him/her and you aren’t alone. And – you never know which day that is going to be.” That sums it up exactly!

    3. I hear you. I have found a few “the One”s and since broken up with them. I have a simple requirement: I should be happier in a relationship than I am when I’m single. If it doesn’t happen, then I’m happier single (and thankful to be single).

       What helped me with being “jealous” of my happily married friends is to ask myself “do I want to be in that relationship?” It forced me to look critically at my friends’ relationships and define what each person changed, gave up, or puts up with. For example, I was kicking myself for not staying with a guy while I was attending his wedding to another woman. What did she change to be his bride? Moving to a tiny town in a snowy place. Did she give up? An education to be a vet (now a vet assistant), the ability of have a cat (his allergies). What does she put up with? His gas (it’s really stinky), constant baby talk.

       1. Oh, dear gawd. That poor, poor, woman.

26. Hive, I need some suggestions. I’m at a great small law firm, but I’m in a spot where anything I write for one of the two partners is being completely torn apart and re-written. Every time I get the redlines back, there are shades of what I prepared in there but I’m doing a lot of, “well, I would never have thought to put it that way…” The other partner does revise my work, but just not to this extent.

    I’ve had some discussions about it, and I’m being told that I’m “burying the lead” and that my pleadings/briefs need to become more of a piece of advocacy that will convince a judge than leading the judge to my conclusion. I’ve got a list of things to check, and I’ve taken to revising my work by putting my conclusion right up at the beginning of the sections, but other than that I’m really, really frustrated and the partner is even more tired of rewriting my work. I don’t know what to do. I’ve ordered Brian Garner’s book “The Winning Brief: 100 Tips for Persuasive Briefing in Trial and Appellate Courts” and that will be here Friday.

    I was an English and Philosophy major, for goodness sake. Unfortunately, it isn’t the technical writing aspect of it that is falling short – it is the substance. The other frustrating thing is they have both said that when we discuss the assignment, I’m on the same page as them and “get it” but something gets lost between that and the page. Before this firm (and I’m now almost in my 6th year…) I never had my writing criticized. I really, really want to change things so that they are happy with my work, but I’m just lost.

    Help? Is there a method? I asked the partner today if, on future assignments, I could put together an outline/strategy, meet, and then write it, and partner said that would be fine. I’ll try that, but I think I need to do more than that. TIA.

    1. A few things might be happening:
       1. This partner is the type that wants things done “his way” word-for-word. Do other associates have the same issues with him.

       2. You are “skipping” logical steps. For example, I might write “A does not equal B so claim 1 is in condition for allowance” when I really should write “The Examiner has the burden of showing A as recited in claim 1 is anticipated or allow claim 1. A is not the same as B as it is described in document D1 and interpreted by the Examiner. Thus, B does not anticipate A. Because the Examiner failed to show A was anticipated, A is in condition for allowance.

       3. Try this: take a step back and talk it through. Try to explain your argument in as few words as possible. Is there an incorrect assumption? A faulty interpretation? Is the standard simply not met? Then, write down your shortest oral argument word-for-word. Use it in your document as your thesis. I find bathroom breaks and [this site] breaks are a great time to mull.

       1. Thank you! That is very helpful. They have both told my that my oral advocacy is really great, but that unfortunately (and they’re right!) here in CA that does not do you much good. I may be skipping steps! I will try creating the oral argument first next time, and see where that takes me.

          Also – yes – other associates have had the same issue. Heck, other partners have the same issue! It is a case of this partner wanting it done his way, but I’m not expected to get it to come out of my head exactly that way. It just needs to be a LOT closer than it is right now.

          1. If there is a specific firm format, use it. Or get the partner’s briefs from other cases and copy the form & style of it. I prefer to use the format listed in the Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law — Mark Herrmann (a/k/a Curmudgeon) had an article in an old issue of ABA magazine that basically gave me the format I have used in all my briefs ever since, and I ask attorneys working for me to use that format, too. It really tells you how to lay out an argument, and it works. Good luck.

27. Ugh, I started my legal career with someone who wanted to re-write every word I wrote and it really eroded my confidence in my writing. If you’ve made it 6 years without this type of issue, then part of the problem really may be the partner in question. That doesn’t solve your issue, I know. I like Garner’s books and they helped me. His seminars are good too. Could you read some briefs that the partner wrote to get a better sense of his style? I would also review the red-lined drafts you are getting back for any patterns across pleadings.

    1. SAB: it very well may be. I try and read all of the red-lined drafts, and it is just different every single time. I just can’t see any patterns, probably because we essentially do a lot of outside counsel-type litigation for corporations (think breach of contract, property issues, defending companies from whatever litigation comes down the pipeline) and it is never the same issue twice. We draft from scratch almost 80% of the time, and, while it keeps the job interesting, it is getting to be frustrating. Thank you! To come clean, I will admit that a certain partner’s SO said to me…”don’t get discouraged, you should see what partner does to MY stuff…”

       1. Some people just like to change things. I worked with someone who used to change what I wrote no matter what I did. E.g., if I wrote, plaintiff and defendant, this person would change it to X and Y; if I used the parties’ names on the next assignment, he would change it to plaintiff and defendant. It was so incredibly frustrating!

          That said, maybe it is more a matter of substance. It doesn’t sound like you’re actually missing issues, but maybe it’s a matter of putting the conclusion up front more, or writing more forcefully… I was never a fan of IRAC as a method, but I have read suggestions to do Conclusion Rule Application Rebuttal Conclusion and I think that can be effective if you’re not sure what else to do. The biggest thing I find when editing others’ work is a lot of missing because-s. For each sentence, ask yourself if you’re missing a because in there. Sometimes it feels redundant to you but really is missing from your work.

    2. I had a particularly rough time responding a motion this month, and my writing confidence feels a little beat up. I was supervising a law clerk, and physically couldn’t do or check everything myself (but did cite check and proofread). I just noticed I am a little overly stressed about what their reply brief will say (i.e., did I miss a major issue even though at five co-counsel also edited/provided comments?). I am trying to tell myself that I did the best I could but it has been rough.

28. Hello,

    I am not sure if this was covered before, but how many suits would be good to have to wear in a conservative environment – 10 suits? 5 suits? What about the suit distribution – say, one black pants suit, one black skirt suit, a second black skirt suit (different style), brown skirt suit, green/cream skirt suit ? How many times per week do you wear each suit? Just once?

    Thank you all

    1. I think your best bet is to try to get as many three piece suits – meaning pants, skirt, and blazer – as possible. That way you can maximize each one as a skirt and pant suit. Personally, I think you’re covered with 5, and could make do with three, assuming you can mix and match with a couple of neutral suit separates and/or wear some as both a skirt and pant suit. I think you’d probably be good to also throw in a summer suit in a lighter fabric/color and/or a winter suit in a heavier fabric/darker color.

       1. Thank you, AIMS. Would the Tory Burch suit work as the Winter suit? I was also looking at Theyskens for Theory seast skirt http://www.dreamofadress.com/?p=20417 in cotton blue/navy tweed with the Theyskens for Theory jitane jacket http://www.polyvore.com/theyskens_theory_jackets/shop?brand=theyskens%27+theory&category_id=25 as a skirt suit but the skirt seems a bit short (unless you are short, which I am). But I am not sure if it is acceptable to wear these tweed suits in conservative environments , eg http://www.polyvore.com/theyskens_theory_jackets/shop?brand=theyskens%27+theory&category_id=25

          Is there a classic summer suit and/or a classic winter suit that I could start with?

          Thank you!!

29. Looking for some perspective on a dark topic. DH, who isn’t at all interested in comics, wants to see the Dark Knight movie (because he is traveling and he’s bored and it’s supposed to be a good movie). I’m annoyed, but I can’t articulate why and I was hoping that someone else here would feel similarly but be able to actually articulate reasons why any normal person would find choosing to see it bothersome. Am I nuts? We live near the theater where the shootings happened and on some level, I feel like seeing it is playing in someone’s deathbed, even tho he’s obviously not going to the theater where it happened. It also bothers me that he would want to see something, for entertainment, that others were watching as they and their fellow citizens were being shot to death.

    1. I don’t know. My first thought was that you are overreacting. After all, lots of people have seen the movie and seeing it really isn’t a commentary on the horrible act of that person or condoning. The people who made the movie had nothing to do with what happened. That said, my colleague and her husband were going to see a movie on their anniversary, right after the shooting, and couldn’t bring themselves to go to Dark Knight, so they saw Ted. I don’t think I would judge someone who wants to see it, though.

       1. I felt a little weird about seeing it the night after the shooting for sure. But yes, you are completely overreacting. But I dont think it makes you nuts! We all have things that hit us in a certain way. But I dont think you should resent your husband for this. the shooting had nothing to do with the movie. Its horrible that people died watching it, but people die and are murdered doing lots of things, and we cant cross each and everything off the list. I can be really sensitive about stuff so I understand, but I think you need to look at yourself and why you are taking it so hard, and not attribute it to a failing of your DH

    2. This really shouldn’t bother you that he wants to see it. It sounds like because it was close to you, it might be upsetting you on a deep level. I think that is totally, totally understandable. But you go on planes to go on vacation right? Does it bother you that he goes on a plane for entertainment, when others have died on planes? He goes to school when other have died in schools, etc, etc.

       I think it means you are a very sensitive person, and that is a good quality. But please don’t take it out on your husband

    3. Yeah, I was thinking about all of the other things that I do even though horrible things have happened to other people while they are participating in these activities (planes, college, the mall, etc) and how it doesn’t bother me. I don’t know why this one does so much. I am definitely sensitive, but I will heed the sage advice of the ‘rettes and not take it out on my (otherwise lovely and kind) DH!

       1. I understand completely. Here’s my reasoning: I generally dislike this kind of movie across the board because of the glorification of violence. I sat through the first Dark Night and found it stomach churning. So it pains me that we as a society react so strongly to ACTUAL violence (the shootings in CO) but still think it’s no big deal to sit and watch it in a theater for 2 hours as entertainment. Rant over. I know I’m in the minority here.

    4. You’re not alone. I know a couple of people who refuse to see it. I’m pretty laidback and I almost didn’t see it. I feel a little embarrassed that I went to see it after what happened, to be honest.

       1. Also, I had a guy friend who looked at me like I was stupid when I wondered out loud how many people must not want to watch the movie anymore. People have vastly different reactions.

    5. I went to go see the movie, and I found myself feeling sad for the shooting victims while I was there. I’m a sensitive person when it comes to things like death (I also think my family is sort of morbid, so I came by it honestly). I wouldn’t begrudge you not wanting to see it because of that, but I don’t think it is a character flaw in your husband for wanting to see it. If it bothers you, don’t go with him, but let him go.

    6. I had a looong discussion with my husband about this. We had booked tickets to go with his friends the Sunday after it came out but I just couldn’t do it. He thought I was crazy and overreacting, basically, and when I expressed thoughts like, they should suspend the movie for a week or two, things like that, he definitely thought I was nuts. In the end he went with his friends and had a great time and told them I was feeling sick that day. But even just going to a different movie several weeks later, I had a bad feeling that I couldn’t shake for a good hour.

       I guess I would say, your husband is (from what I can see from people I’ve talked to, especially men) totally normal in his reaction. But I definitely share your feelings about it.

    7. I’m glad you posted this. Before the shooting my husband really wanted to see the movie. Now I really don’t want to see it. It was hard to explain why. He also still wants to watch it but now is thinking he would rather not see it in the theater. Neither of us has said “let’s not see it now” but neither of us has said “let’s go see it!” It’s weird.

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