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Suit of the Week: Basler

For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. I thought this lovely suit was purple for sure, but it's actually navy. It has a gorgeous pleated back, which I kind of like more on a navy suit — typically you see fanciful details like this on colorful suits but I think you'll get a lot more wear out of navy. If you don't like the pleated-back blazer, they do have a more traditional, notch-lapel, two-button blazer. The pictured jacket (Pleated Back Blazer) is $495, and the pants (Bella Pants) are $295. Here are two more affordable pleated-back blazers: Club Monaco and Shelli Segal, as well as a plus-size option + two pants. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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166 Comments

  1. Do you think there’s ever been an instance where disappointment changed you? Like a promotion you worked for 24-7 for 10 yrs but didn’t get, a relationship, a failed job search? Did you ever feel you couldn’t try again or invest in something the same way for fear of going thru the disappointment again? Did you ever go back to your old self or was it a permanent change? Thoughts??

    1. Yes, I still miss my college boyfriend. It’s a permanent change but it’s who I am now.

      1. I was cheated on about 4 years ago and it deeply impacted the next serious relationship I did (I was having a hard time trusting). Not sure if its permanent because I haven’t had another relationship since then but so far it seems to be lasting…

      2. I sympathize with Shopaholic. If your man cheats on you, that is a show stopper. Men should ONLY have 1 woman at a time, and NOT use their s-x appeal to have other women have s-x with them when they are having s-x with their girlfreinds. Sheketovits I do NOT ever actually cheated on me s-xueally, but he always thought he was a big ladie’s man b/c he had me s-xueally, and that made him think he could get others. Why he thought that I will NEVER know, as he was NOT that cute, and had very bad breathe. But he did consider himself a catch b/c I was loyal to him, and I at least was thought of as very cute (even tho I have a tuchus). So for the rest of the hive, be VERY careful that you do NOT cause your man to get too emboldened and think he can get other women. It is PRECISELELEY that confidence that other women find attractive, eiven if your boyfreind has bad breathe, like Sheketovits did. FOOEY!

    2. I took a job in a new city with my beau’s encouragement. Bought a house that beau picked out, for more than I was comfortable spending. Sold all of my furniture to accommodate beau’s furniture.

      Three weeks after closing on the house, I arrived home to an empty house. Beau had shipped his things back home. No note. An apologetic email the next day, that I did not reply to because I was numb.

      That was 4 years ago and I am still numb. My years for children and family are basically over – if I listen I can hear my soul wailing about my empty life. I think this is a permanent change. I know that someone can abandon you overnight, and my intellectual self cannot get past that with others.

      1. This is really rough. I would encourage you (if you haven’t) to find a professional to process these feelings with. This internet stranger is rooting for you – I am sure there are many awesome things about your life.

        1. There are free support groups for grief. I think what you experienced (and are still experiencing) could 100% be considered grief.

      2. If this is my former classmate and work friend, reach back out – I miss you! If it’s not, know that you are not the only brilliant and stylish woman who has had this exact thing happen to her. You are so strong.

      3. This is the absolute WURST I have ever heard about getting the shaft by a guy. FOOEY on him and men like him. We as professional women need to band together to prevent this type of situation from EVER happening again to us. Can we in the HIVE all agree to boycott (literaly) any man who does this to anyone else in the HIVE? I hope so. I would never date, let alone mate, with such a man. DOUBEL FOOEY on HIM!

      4. Hi,I was researching professional business wear for my college daughter when I read this. My heart aches for you. But please do not let that define who you are. Anyone can let you down, but men often seem to have a special knack for doing it. You are obviously a strong independent woman…rest secure in that fact. Don’t give up on relationships but more importantly, don’t give up on yourself. Find your joy, happiness and peace…once you do that, the rest will take care of itself. Be strong!!

    3. Yes, for the better. I didn’t get into a top law school. My ego was severely bruised, esp. considering I went to a top 3 undergrad. Ended up funnelling that disappointment in a positive direction by kicking *ss at my good but not great law school and doing very well professionally. I’ve managed to do everything that students from top law schools get to do (federal appellate clerkships, Big Law, etc.). I would not change a thing.

      1. I was recently rejected from all the top grad schools I applied for. Although I’m happy I got in somewhere, it bruised my ego a bit. Its a good but not great program and has decent career services and resources. So I think if I hustle well enough Ill make it out well in the long run. This was really encouraging to hear. :)

    4. Yes – I couldn’t get any of the jobs I was desperately trying to get in NYC so I moved to Texas which has turned out to be a boon for me from a professional perspective. I really like working in energy / with real assets and as added upside have saved a bunch of money I wouldn’t have been easily able to save with NYC living costs

    5. I was frustrated with Bay Area housing prices and not getting promoted at work, so I applied for a job across the country in a lower cost of living area. I got to final interviews and they even set me up with a realtor to look at houses (that I could afford to buy! And were nice!) and then… I didn’t get the job. I was told via the recruiter and ultimately by a an off the record phone call from the person who would have been my boss that the person who blackballed me was a senior VP. Named Dick. Who I thought during my interview with him lived up to his name. And who wanted to hire a guy that everyone else had put second to me, but Dick put him first.

      It turned out they hired a man from my same company. He moved his family across the country for the job. His leaving my company created a chain reaction that resulted in my getting the promotion I wanted and a better assignment, and I was able to buy a small starter home in the Bay Area within the year.

      The guy who took the job and his family ended up hating the city they had moved to and tried to get back to the Bay Area. The company he moved to folded after a couple of years. They ended up in the Midwest where they are OK but wish they hadn’t left the Bay Area, as they are “priced out” now.

      I was crushed when I didn’t get the job because I had already mentally moved across the country and into the new role. Coming back to reality was hard. My mom said “everything happens for a reason” and I thought she was full of it at the time, but in hindsight things really did fall into place for me by not getting that job.

      It changed me because now when things don’t go the way I wanted them to, I have more perspective that there are many paths I could end up and it’s not like there’s one good one and all the rest are bad.

      2. This is a great story. Thanks for sharing and so glad it worked out for you.

      3. That is a great story but I really can’t stand “everything happens for a reason” either – it is total confirmation bias. Can you say “everything happens for a reason” to the homeless man, the parents whose kid has cancer, or even the man and his family in your story? no, and you shouldn’t. its a terrible phrase.

        1. Yes, this exactly. Anon at 3:57, I’m so happy it worked out for you, that’s terrific. But so many good, hardworking people have sh!tty things happen to them – both major disappointments like what you experienced and truly tragic things like the death of a child – and it wasn’t for any reason and they don’t get a neat little happy ending story like this. When people share stories like this it tends to make people (like the OP at 3:21 below) think there’s something wrong with them because their “bad stuff” hasn’t been neatly resolved like other people’s stuff has. It’s all just chance.

        2. I hate this attitude also!!!

          There was this Mormon woman that became a widow when her husband got stuck in a cave. Who takes this attitude to a crazy degree.

          This is a quote from her:
          “At John’s funeral, his LDS stake president mentioned something about his death happening for a reason, Emily said. She said she remembers thinking that she was sure there was something to learn from what happened.

          “Now, looking back, I see he was so right,” she said. “I never would want bad things to happen, but in retrospect, we’re given what we need. We’re blessed. Life is still wonderful and beautiful and good, even though bad things happen, because Heavenly Father has a plan for us.””

          Like how crazy is that. Her husband died in a cave and she is like “it happened for a reason!”

          1. I didn’t take from it that everything happens for a reason. I took from it, as I said, that there are many paths my life can take and that doesn’t mean there’s only one good path and the rest are bad.

            I could have taken the job across the country. I could have ended up in the midwest. These may have been fine paths for me. But I’m more or less happy with the path I ended up taking by default.

          2. I am one of those “everything happens for a reason” people because I choose to believe that even in the darkest of dark times, there is some reason or meaning behind the suffering. I would feel this way even if my kid got cancer, my husband was gunned down in a mass shooting, or my mom got killed in a car crash. Because the strongest, most amazing people I know are the ones who have been able to rise from unspeakable tragedy and do good for others in spite of their own sorrow and grief. If you choose to believe that the world is a hateful place governed by chaos and tragedy, you’re welcome to that vision. I don’t believe that and don’t appreciate negative, glass-is-half-empty people trying to shame others for their different beliefs. If any of the commenters who supposedly belief in “radical acceptance” care, my “everything happens for a reason” philosophy is partially rooted in my Buddhist faith. Check yourself, please.

    6. Oh, sure, lots of them. I was a finalist for multiple postgrad fancy scholarships (a Rhodes, a Marshall, a Mitchell, and a Gates) and didn’t get any of them. When I got the last “we’re sorry to inform you…” call I pretty much lost it (note that I eventually developed the perspective that being a finalist was, itself, an honor, but I didn’t have that in the moment), and it didn’t help that my university scholarship advisor was so obviously disappointed too. I was sure that I was a total failure, but the result was that I had to figure out what I was going to do with myself after undergrad instead of having a few more years on the student glide path. I got a job abroad that totally changed my life, and I am grateful that I was forced into the adult world and had to become mistress of my own fate.

      I got divorced after only 3 years of marriage, and that was also a shattering experience but the end of that relationship enabled me to put my own dreams first for most of my 30s and that has been amazing.

      1. Your first example is mine too. Final round of the Rhodes scholarship. It felt like such a failure, which is ridiculous (because yes, being a finalist is an honor!). Honestly, it took me therapy to get over it. I don’t have the same story about finding a different life trajectory (I ended up getting a different scholarship to Oxford a year later), but it did make me come to terms with the really unhealthy standards I was setting for my own success, which has been crucial to my subsequent mental health. I do still think wistfully about the doors that the name would have opened (my subsequent scholarship was just as good in terms of money, but much less prestigious), but I’m not sure I would have wanted that life anyway.

    7. I had two failed marriages and I finally got a ton of therapy and figured out my issues so that going forward I could look out for the bad relationships and now I am blissfully happy in my new marriage. So that was an instance where a disappointment or two changed me for the better (eventually).

      Professionally, I lost out on The Big Job (by justthismuch) some years back and it did permanently take the wind out of my career sails. I have more or less given up on my grandiose ambitions, concentrated on other things in my life, and at this point I’m just sitting tight in my good-but-not-where-I-thought-I’d-be job until retirement.

    8. The ongoing disappointment of infertility comes to mind. Right now, in the midst of multiple years of disappointment (and multiple invasive medical procedures), I don’t see how I could ever go back to “normal,” whatever that was. I do think the shared grief has unexpectedly strengthened my marriage and made me even more certain about my choice of life partner. But even with that upside, I am sad and angry in a way that I never was in my prior life.

      But I also had lunch with a good friend who went through a similarly long and involved process and said that now, with two children, all of that pain and angst seems “so far away.” So maybe, if I ever get so lucky to have a child, it will not be a permanently life changing thing. Not that such success is in any way assured, and at some point, I will have to come to terms with what that means for my life and choices.

      Regardless of outcome, however, I will obviously never be the kind of idiot who casually makes assumptions about people’s plans for procreation, or who thinks that speculation about the state of another’s womb is a good casual conversation topic. Wish more people would learn that lesson.

      1. *hugs* I’m sorry that people have been so careless towards you, and that you’re going through this struggle.

  2. Yes, I am an overthinker – but I’m really having trouble with this. I just had my annual review and the resounding theme is that I need to speak up, work on self-confidence, maybe take on a mentee, etc. Here is the problem:

    – I don’t trust myself.
    – I know that I am not as smart as my colleagues (trust me).
    – It takes me far longer to do everything that it should.
    – I am bad at relationships – my ex H from 10 years ago is happily remarried and it seems obvious I screwed everything up. I don’t have friends.
    – If I ever had to do certain manager-type things, I would likely faint. It has almost happened many times.
    – Basically I $uck at life. Seriously, I do nothing well with the possible exception of being nice to everybody (including monthly donations to charities, volunteering, etc.) and assuming good intentions…but I feel that is so basic it doesn’t count and even if it did – cannot be the basis for my entire self esteem.
    – I am getting older and my body and brain feel like they are crumbling.

    And the BIGGEST problem, or so I suspect deep down: I am single. Forever single – 5 years. If nobody wants me (and why would they?), especially as a depreciating asset, how can I possibly be expected to have confidence equal to all my paired up colleagues?

    Just looking someone in the eye is a challenge for me if they are married or otherwise have a partner. I worry that this will spiral enough that I could be fired in the next year.

    1. I’d venture to say you should see a therapist, because you sound depressed. Also, your success in your career and in your romantic life do not need to be linked in any way.

      2. Times a million.

        Get thee to a therapist posthaste. You don’t have to feel like this. I used to feel like you do, and now (after a bunch of therapy) I am so happy in my life I can hardly believe it’s me.

        1. Yes, it is vanishingly unlikely that you have any choice other than therapy. Therapy posthaste!

      3. Another vote for therapy & also just a comment that you don’t have to be this bad for therapy to help. I went for years for much less and it was immensely helpful as a place to neutrally sort out my life and to figure out what I wanted. I was able to do my best strategizing there – I figured out what I wanted my life to look like and how to get there. It wasn’t one big plan, but continually having a person to talk to who was neutral and didn’t have an agenda was priceless. I know it’s an often prescribed suggestion around here, but it really is a great thing to do for yourself, even if you don’t think you “need” it.

    2. Wow, thanks for putting this out there. I feel the same way, different elements but essentially the same. Wish we could discuss over wine. I don’t know either.

      3. +1

        This is my daily life. I feel so behind everyone else, and so pathetic for being single.

    3. 1) Cognitive behavioral therapy.

      2) Read “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown. ASAP.

      I used to feel the same way. You don’t have to live like that. There is hope- you can unlearn these thought patterns. They’re NOT truths, just thought patterns.

      1. Seconding that these are not truths, but thought patterns.

        “Not as smart as my colleagues” is without a doubt true in some areas, and without a doubt false in other areas, and ultimately, look at the evidence: you still have your job. If you were a real drain, you wouldn’t be there. You’re contributing something!

        “It takes me far longer … than it should.” Things *should* take the exact amount of time they do take. I presume you aren’t dillydallying (if you are, quit it!), but are going carefully and efficiently as is proper for the task. So you’re spending the exact right amount of time. If there’s an unreasonable deadline, it’s the deadline that’s unreasonable, not you.

        Etc. etc. etc.

        Rooting for you to talk to a therapist who will help you feel better. CBT might be a great fit.

    4. There’s a lot to unpack here, but to strictly answer your initial question: I think self-worth comes when you are focused on/dedicated to something bigger than yourself. For some people, that is God/religion, for others it is a social cause, for some it is your family. I’m not saying that you should be subservient to others, not consider your own needs, etc.; I’m also not saying that a person is intrinsically worthless. But, I think there is a danger of being too internally focused and falling into a navel-gazing spiral. (Like that CS Lewis quote: ‘True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.’)

      There is also a big difference between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves; self-worth transcends that.

      For your specific situation, I agree with PPs that talking to someone who can help you sort through this could be really helpful.

      1. This is a great reply. I’d say in addition to therapy, maybe being even more involved in volunteer work might help you feel better and pull you out of yourself a little more. Also – exercise! Cardio and weightlifting might help that feeling of physically crumbling. And know that a lot of people regardless of their circumstances also feel this way sometimes.

      2. I’d like to hear more about how you see self worth as distinct from self esteem. Self worth, as I think of it, seems to me to be wholly intrinsic – it’s my sense of self and value as a human that’s completely independent of external forces – so your idea that self worth is tied to something bigger than myself is difficult to get my head around. None of your examples are relatable for me, so perhaps that’s where I’m getting stuck, but do you really think someone needs to focus on some big idea or cause outside themselves to have a strong sense of self worth?

        Here’s a counter example: I was physically and emotionally abused as a child, by someone who refused to see me as a distinct individual with agency over my own ideas, opinions, and body. Yet it was my fiercely stubborn and independent sense of self that kept me fighting back against that – I wouldn’t be alive without it. I didn’t need to reach to something else to tell me I was worth more than my abuser said I was – I knew it, intrinsically.

        OP says she does nothing well besides being nice to everybody, and feels that’s so basic it doesn’t count as a good quality. But I’m sure each of us would view OP as having value as an individual, as having qualities unique to her that make her worth having in the world – if she wasn’t nice to people, if she didn’t give to charity, if she never marries, she’s still WORTHY, as a human, of respect and dignity.

        1. Good points. And I should say that I was just discussing/wrestling with this with my husband, so my views are certainly evolving (and I appreciate the push back). But re: SW vs SE…. I think a lot of parents/society try to focus on “self-esteem” — you are special, you all get trophies, you are great no matter what that teacher says, etc. And yet, a lot of people my age (millennial) [ though this probably cuts across generations, this is my frame of reference] feel a little “lost” when they are let out into the world. They have been raised to feel confident within themselves, and as a result can be completely untethered to anything greater and don’t know where to go from here.

          I guess another way of framing it is that everyone is worthy, but WHY? And the “why” is how we derive self-worth and truly believe we are worthy. We are worthy because we are children of God, because we are championing those less fortunate than we are, because we love and serve others. OP certainly is worthy — she just doesn’t feel it, because she hasn’t found her “why”.

          1. Ah – October, this does help unpack it: “everyone is worthy, but WHY?” My answer is that there is no why – we just are worthy by virtue of being here. Maybe a bit simple to say I am, therefore I have self worth, but that’s essentially my viewpoint. I can see needing a “why” or a connection to something bigger than oneself to find a place in the world, but not to believe in one’s right to exist. That’s where I’d like to see you focus, OP, on identifying and believing in your intrinsic worth as a person.

    5. get treatment for your depression? You’re completely out of touch with the reality of your life because depression lies.

    6. Wow. No. Being single does not mean you are a loser. I’m a smug married and I don’t think that of any of my single friends. Many times I envy their freedom. I’m not saying this to be patronizing. I’m saying it to tell you that YOU are the only person who views you that way.

      Agree with the calls for therapy and possibly meds. But for now please know that there is so much more to you or any person than their relationship status.

    7. I think being a kind person is really all you have to be in this life. I am semi-competent at work but I don’t volunteer or give to charity, I have insane road rage, I cut people out of my life for fairly minor reasons, and I have stopped going to (and DGAF) about weddings, births, etc.

      I would much rather be someone who turns the other cheek and treats people the way I want to be treated. If you are doing that I think you have mastered life.

      1. This would never work for me. It sounds hopeless. I don’t think being kind is enough. I want more and am capable of more.

        1. So Jesus (or the nice carpenter who wanted us all to get along, depending on your view) was an underachiever? I think being truly kind is a major achievement.

          1. No, and I do agree that being kind is a major achievement. I just don’t think it is enough on its own, for me. Your post sounded to me like you were saying that being kind is the one thing you would like to master in life. Do you and do it well! I was saying that for me when I get to the end of my life, I want something more to show for it than having been kind and mastered being truly kind.

            I guess figuring these priorities and purposes out is more of a big spiritual question that it takes a lifetime to answer than I really meant to try to get into.

            But thank you for the reminder of the importance of being kind- I really can use it.

    8. I think you also have to be able to separate out the things you can control and the things that you can’t. I have a friend that is often depressed because of a lot of really crappy things on her life. Her depression brain tells her these are her failures and her fault. My outside witness brain says NOPE you were dealt a crap hand at life and lots of bad things happened to you that you could never control. It’s two ways of looking at the same scenario. She feels she’s a failure for being single. I think she is brave and strong to have made the decisions she made that led to her being single … (1) she admitted she was in a marriage that wasn’t right for her and got out. Yes, he’s happily married with a kid now but THEY would not have been happily married together. What’s right for one isn’t right for another. (2) she’s also single because she FINALLY got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Being single is way way way way way better than that. She’s strong not weak and I bet you are too.

    9. I wish I could talk to you and understand more about this because I think that I could help. But it sounds like a lot of your self worth is based on your measurement against others. I understand that society creates this false measurement and therefore you feel like that is the only basis for measurement. Scoreboarding your life is a recipe for difficulty because you only see a very small part of the person’s life that you are measuring yourself against. For example, you see a wedding ring, but you have no idea whether that ring signals happiness or misery. Everyone puts on a false successful happy front–Facebook is a perfect example. Everyone—and I mean everyone is carrying a sack of rocks–we just don’t see the sack, how many rocks are in it, or how they are carrying it.

      You are important, you are successful, you are desireable. Please believe in who and what you are and don’t measure yourself against the part of someone that is showing above the water. I believe in you and everyone else in this thread.

      2. I think that that is a concept that exists if you are 40, I feel like everything is magnificently increasing and improving. It’s like my crone powers have activated and I’m turning into Helen Mirren’s younger sister.

    11. I have most of these thoughts too, OP. I noticed that you phrased this in terms of your review at work, but it sounds like what really bothers you is your romantic life. I also believe (contrary to what someone said above) that if I had a partner I would be more confident at work too. I see these married women gliding around, driving nicer cars and living in nice houses and not only do I think how far behind I am, which damages my self-esteem, I also have to believe that living with that kind of comfort and security makes it easier to function on a day-to-day basis. I also think, practically speaking, it would be easier to be confident at work if I knew I had a second income to fall back on. And it’s easier when you have someone to go home to and talk about your problems, someone who will tell you that they love you no matter what. So I don’t think you are foolish for feeling there is a link between your romantic life and work life.

      I would say maybe go talk to a therapist or a good friend about this. I should take my own advice, honestly, but I hope you do it before me. You sound like a really nice person, and if you could get past a little of the self-doubt I think you will be amazed to see what opens up.

      1. You definitely understand where I am coming from, and I feel a little less alone. <3

        This is a great community. I'm going to read all your replies several times tonight.

        1. I hope you’re still reading. Let me just say that you shouldn’t take a performance review as some deep insight into your soul. If you have a reasonable manager, then it’s good to listen to the review and figure out what you can work on improving. But I am telling you from experience that some companies have policies where you have to give negative reviews to X% of your direct reports, or where if you give outstanding ratings to the same person for 3 straight quarters you are obligated to give them a raise (which could mess up the department budget), or a million other written or unwritten ridiculous policies like that. And the review is a subjective assessment of what your manager sees… they have their own biases, personalities, agendas, etc. One more thing: the review evaluates you within the context of one single company & department. You might perform quite differently in a different environment. So, my overall point is to take the review seriously, but with a liberal application of grains of salt.

      3. Thank you for addresssing this Anonymous at 7:19. Marriage is not without its challenges, but a healthy marriage is a good thing. As someone who has moved to cities where I knew nobody, I realize there is a world of difference between doing it alone, and moving as a couple. Also, in addition to chronic depression, I realize that a lack of support has played a huge role in my life. It is very valuable to have family, friends and the like nearby, and they help a person thrive. It’s frustrating to be just existing for so long.

      4. I am not the OP but I agree with this completely. I feel the same as the OP on many of the points that she raised. People say that therapy could help, but the reality is that life is very hard when you are on your own. I don’t know that therapy is the answer to being alone, which really seems to be the problem here. Every part of your life becomes more difficult when you have to do everything for yourself. Of course married people can afford to take more risks at work, or pursue opportunities that are based on their interests, because they have the safety net of a second income. You simply can’t take risks when you are on your own, and frankly, taking risks is a big part of a “good” life. You have to be able to stretch a little bit and be challenged. It seems to me like those opportunities only exist for married people with a second income. I too see the married women floating around at work, talking about wanting to dial back and needing flex time. I would like all of that too, especially as i get older. but that is simply not an option for me. I won’t every have a lovely home, or many other day-to-day things that would make life more pleasant, unless i find a husband. It is all about existing, and making safe choices when you are single, and that alone colors your perception of the world and your place in it.

    12. I don’t think 5 years of being single makes you “forever single”. A friend of mine is now in a serious relationship after being single for 20 years, so I don’t think there’s s window that closes.

      Personally, I think self-esteem comes from knowing you’re good enough. A lot of people focus on wanting to know that they’re great or best, but good enough is good enough. My mother always says there’s a lot to be said for being average, and I think that’s true. So what if you’re not the smartest person, you’re surely not the dumbest either. So what if you’re not the fastest worker, you’re not the slowest. That’s all to the good. If you spend a lot of your time ruminating on the thoughts you’ve posted here, I agree with others that therapy and perhaps medical intervention is worth exploring.

    13. I normally just lurk here, but wanted to let you know that I was you four years ago. I was lucky enough to read a few great books and see a therapist, all of which helped me to see that my depression was caused by unrealistic expectations of myself and a tendency to focus on my “life to-do list” instead of fostering day -to-day happiness. I think that this let to a cycle of drudgery that made my life and me feel less worthy, and that was reflected in the people I dated. Things improved a ton once I made a conscious effort to stop the cycle of negative thoughts (something I still constantly have to work on) and establishing a higher baseline of acceptable behavior from the people I dated. I think that men picked up on that subconsciously. I met a great guy and we got married two years ago–we’re both older and I’m glad for that, because I think had I met him before that, our relationship may not have happened. It’s still a constant effort not to slip back into my old cycle of thinking, but it’s made my daily life so much more enjoyable. The best books I read were-don’t judge!-Why Men Love B****** (dated but still great) and Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass. I hope this helps and I wish you nothing but the best.

  3. Really like this suit. Cross-posted from the moms’ s i t e:

    My husband and I finally got around to getting an appropriate level of life insurance last year. We don’t have long-term care insurance. I’m not sure if we should, and our financial planner guy wasn’t very insightful and seemed to think we (in our 30s) are too young for this. If one of us were to have a terrible accident or something and need constant nursing help or something like that, it would destroy our family’s finances if it weren’t otherwise covered. What kind of coverage do you responsible people have, if any? We have two kids, fwiw.

    1. It is really unusual for people in their 20’s-40’s to have this insurance, but my family is one of the families for which it would have been helpful (spouse is fully disabled now and lives in long-term care). However, it often comes with significant restrictions – only covering certain costs for a short period. If you are disabled young from one of the “dread” diseases, you could need years of care so would blow through it anyway.

      Honestly, if you end up in this situation, unless you are really wealthy, *everyone’s* family gets ruined. It’s just the unfortunate reality of how we handle these needs in the US.

      What I’d recommend is to make sure you have a ton of LT disability insurance, which you’re likelier to use/need, and life insurance if you and your spouse qualify for it.

      1. Thanks for the straightforward answer. This is kind of the conclusion I was coming to upon doing some research this afternoon. Good job, USA. Now to make sure I have the right level of LT disability insurance.

    2. I can’t imagine any amount ever being “enough” – my grandmother’s 24/7 care is almost $200k/year, so that means you hit $1M in five years. If you get disabled in your 30s and need 50 years of care, that’s $10M minimum? I think that’s part of why people don’t get insurance for this kind of thing at a young age because the amount needed is just staggering.

    3. I have LTC insurance. I’m 24. Our benefits person has been working at this job for 4 YEARS and said I’m the first person she’s ever seen take out LTC insurance. But it gave me just a bit of comfort that when my terminal disease gets to the point I need around-the-clock care, if I’m not hospitalized, it won’t have to fall completely to my family. In all likelihood, it will only be enough for a few months, either before or after lung transplant if I get one, but having that cushion helped me feel less guilty that my family will have to stay up around the clock making sure I’m still breathing for at least a certain amount of time.

      I’m 24 years old and I had to figure out long term care insurance for an inevitable situation. F this.

    4. I never bought it because I had no faith that any insurance carrier I invested all those premiums in would be around to pay claims when I needed care. (I work in the insurance industry)

      The best strategy is to build your assets as much as possible and then hope the US healthcare system has unknotted itself by the time you might need it.

      I definitely agree with the need for long term disability insurance, particularly since you have children who rely on your income.

      My mom is in long term care and it will basically destroy her finances by the time she’s done (not to put too fine a point on it by done = dead. She will never live at home again) but it will not destroy my finances or my sister’s finances. At this point her combination of social security, Medicare and Medicaid are paying for her monthly care with very little left over. My sister and I chip in for extras.

      1. +1

        THIS

        I have much experience in this arena, and personal family experience regarding catastrophic illness/disability.

  4. I have an appointment this afternoon- very excited! Anyone else?

  7. Favorite things you’ve bought at Ikea? I rarely go but think I need to make a trip for some things and want to hear suggestions. The step stool? The tea lights? Those sorts of things!

    2. Frozen meatballs and an ice cream cone. Seriously, just about everything else has turned out to be crap.

      1. I’ve actually heard multiple people tell me that the vegetarian meatballs are amazing and are a great substitute for kofta or paneer, if you’re ever cooking Indian food. Or just put it in pasta.

    3. Paper napkins.
      Tea lights.
      Kitchen/tea towels.
      Lamps
      Tupperware – the set with the green lids – I love them and the whole set is like, $5.
      Rugs
      Shower curtains – super cheap, which is good because I replace mine regularly when they get gross
      Picture frames

      Honestly, most of my house is Ikea and I love it. You have to look carefully but there is some nice quality stuff these days.

      1. I love their paper napkins! They’re whimsical and inexpensive and I get a little thrill when I use them.

    4. Do you have a kid? I find some of their kid toys to be pretty good. I used the step stool in my classroom a lot and their plastic dishes were cheap enough that it was easy to fill our play kitchen with them and also like the flour sifter kids love etc. Measuring cups etc.

      Non kid stuff:
      Cheap wine glasses that you aren’t afraid to have a guest break.
      Blue bags and more blue bags

    5. Frames
      Desk
      Tupperware with the green lids
      Blue bags
      Couch! I love my Ikea couch
      Tea lights (….if you need some, I still have, well, about 90 of them)
      Fabric
      Curtains
      Storage boxes

    7. Their bath mats! (Skip the tupperware unless you have a tendency to lose it)

      1. I like it because I have a hilarious tendency to melt it by setting it wrong in the dishwasher.

    8. I’ve had good luck with Ikea bookcases and a few other things (we’ve only had the couch for ~2 years but so far it’s going strong). I’d caution against anything with moving parts (dresser drawers, cough, cough), since that’s where cheap construction shows, in my experience.

    10. Furniture:

      I love my charcoal gray sectional (Kivik) and the slipcovered gray furniture in the house where my now-ex lives with too many animals – the slipcovers are a godsend. I also have a wonderful, white-painted wood table on my screened porch that has two leaves, so it extends to seat about 10, love it. I had a Hemnes wardrobe in the old house also, it was beautiful and stood up well. I have had no trouble either with the Malm dressers, although some do.

      Non-furniture:

      Vanilla-scented candles
      Colanders and strainers
      Kitchen utensils (spoons, spatulas, funnels, etc.)
      Dishes and baking/serving pieces – I have many of the plain white pieces and they look great and mix and match well with other pieces
      Table and floor lamps
      Decorative string lights
      Bed pillows
      Duvet covers
      Live house plants

      Food:

      The veggie meat balls are very good, I agree.
      Some kind of fruit crisp, I forget the name; I get the apple and pear variety and jazz it up with extra fresh fruit and nuts on top. It’s vegan, which is a plus for me, and I always get raves when I serve it.
      The little frozen deserts – the chocolate oat things are amazing,

    11. Kitchen cabinets
      Most of our house is IKEA. I love it.
      Picture frames
      Cheapest toilet brush ever
      Dressers and mirror
      Kitchen gadgets (e.g., corkscrew)
      Rugs
      Organization tools (e.g., magazine files)
      Table runner, apron
      Lamps
      Dining table and chairs

    12. Coffee mugs. They’re a pretty pattern and haven’t broken over years/multiple moves.

    13. Late to this but I bought the 1960s Danish reproduction chairs and they are incredible. Super comfortable and look gorgeous – and cheap!

    14. Box frames are my new Ikea love… I’m planning to put some of my favourite items in them, along with a print. I also like their artificial flowers, as I’m terrible at keeping plants alive!

  8. What is this step stool you speak of? I think I need it.
    The metal wine racks, each hold 24 bottles. The ice trays that make long sticks of ice. They have a lot of cool lamps.

  9. How do you know if it’s time to start a low dose of antidepressants?

    I’ve been in therapy for more than a year and my overall mental state hasn’t improved. I am pretty high functioning – I still make it to work, I’m reliable, etc. – but I am still so unhappy and feeling paralyzed and stuck. I think I am depressed. I just can’t shake this gloom that’s lingered for more than a year. I drink too much wine during the week and I’m certain it’s because I’m numbing/self-medicating. I have increasing difficulty getting out of bed in the mornings, and absolutely no desire to do so. I have basically stopped communicating with my friends and loved ones over the phone – I’ll still get up and go do at least one social thing per weekend, but I just have no motivation to maintain those friendships other times. I’m easily distracted at work. I don’t do the things I love any more – reading, writing, etc. – because none of it seems to hold any joy for me anymore. I skip meals often because the effort to make them seems like just too much. I have serious credit card debt that feels like it will never go away, which is the root cause of a lot of my stress. My therapist and I have talked about all of this, but not medication.

    I know I should talk to my therapist, and I will this week, but wanted other perspectives too.

    2. You need to start medication yesterday.

      Therapy is all well and good, but you have textbook depression IMO and that’s what antidepressants are for.

      Good luck and take care.

    3. Get thee to your PCP for a prescription. I was like that- high-functioning, doing fine, but nothing was good. Distracted at work, just at home, watching netflix, alone. All the time. Oversleeping.

      I’ve been on Celexa for a month and the change is amazing. I didn’t realize how miserable I was until I wasn’t.

        1. I’m on a very low dose (half of the lowest possible dose) and the changes are STILL amazing.

    4. Imagine you’re stuck on a spinning ride and can’t get off. Your therapist is on the ground, yelling instructions for stopping the ride, but you can only hear her every time you come around past her, and you’re so dizzy that it takes everything you have to hold on. Medication can slow down the ride enough for you to understand what she’s saying and troubleshoot back and forth, and now that you’re no longer preoccupied with just holding on, you can use what you’re getting from her to not only shut the ride down, but learn how to do it on your own in the future.

  10. I’m hoping maybe the Hive can help me – I’ve been with my now husband for ~4 years (married for 2). He’s been unemployed for the entirety of our marriage and it has really affected both my interest in gardening as well as my ability to consider him a true partner. Part of the reason he is unemployed is industry, part of it is his inability to work well with his prior boss. I feel like I increasingly resent the fact as the months go on (and more and more of the other people I know who have been laid off find other jobs) more and more of my life is put on hold. Can’t plan any vacations because husband might get a job. Can’t plan out any potential timeline for having / not having kids because who knows what financial position we will be in.

    I want to be clear that he tries and is helpful at home / looks and interviews for jobs, I guess I am just looking for some wisdom.

    1. 2 years? Are you kids doing me? Why isn’t he working at Starbucks? I’d be making plans to get out with as little alimony as possible. Sorry I’m not supporting you while you hold out for a job you clearly cannot get for two whole years.

    2. 1) See a therapist, together and apart

      2) Plan a vacation. Maybe the vacation is going to a cabin in the same state. If he gets a job and can’t get the week off…you still go. Or plan a girl’s weekend away with friends. Maybe you can’t plan kids or plan a huge group vacation, but you can take control of your life and plan something in the future. If you run book a marathon to work towards, if you are into singing- join the local community musical.

    3. TWO YEARS?

      God lord. There is a serious problem with his resume/interview skills if he can’t get a job in 2 years.

      1. So he has gotten 2 jobs in that timeframe…. one converted after he was working there from salary + commission sales to commission only sales. He then got another job and that (written, confirmed) offer was reneged after he had already quit the commission only sales job.

        But I agree he has some resume problems and in a high unemployment industry that’s a bigger issue now than it might have been 5 years ago.

        1. Why hasn’t he taken a job? Why does he feel entitled to live off your income and not contribute? If you loved and respected him and thought he was just struggling, I’d tell you to go ahead and plan your life on one income. But you don’t. You don’t want to be intimate with him, you don’t respect him, because he’s Not contributing.

          1. I guess there is a point at which struggling / unemployment becomes really a new normal. That’s sort of where I am. I just realized recently that I can’t keep chalking this up to “maybe next month” and keep hoping because its clearly not realistic. Thank you – I needed some tough love.

    4. I am not generally a fan of ultimatums (umtimatii?) but this is a guy who needs an ultimatum.

      He needs to bring in $x by y date or you’re out.

      Maybe it’s not his dream job. Maybe it’s contract work. Maybe it’s working at Home Depot. But laying around on the couch for two years waiting for a leprechaun to guide him to the pot of gold is ridiculous. You have been MORE than patient.

      1. Thanks for this. I was feeling like a bad person for wanting to do this. He’s definitely already applying for everything he’s remotely qualified for (other than retail which I would think he should possibly start looking into soon).

        1. I’m friends with a couple. Husband makes a decent living but is not making bank. Wife is an artsy type-she writes children’s’ plays. Lucrative, right!?! She has a great work ethic, though, and is super down to earth. She’s got a degree from a Fancy Liberal Arts School, and works at coffee shops, etc, to contribute. She doesn’t whine about it. She just does it and is grateful that she can still pursue her interests. Remarkably, she’s been fairly successful at playwriting, considering how tough such a field is. She’s a rockstar. But it’s still not lucrative.

          I can’t imagine how he’s not going crazy doing nothing. He can’t possibly be job searching all 8 hours of the day. He needs to grow up and put his responsibilities in your relationship ahead of his desire to do his dream job or whatever.

          1. “She’s got a degree from a Fancy Liberal Arts School, and works at coffee shops, etc, to contribute. She doesn’t whine about it.”

            I live in a part of the country where there are lots of artists, and this is very normal. One of the happiest people I know works at REI, and writes books on the side. It is very typical for a “creative type” to take a “joe job” that is low-intellectual-load so they can pay the bills. Because paying the bills is important.

      2. Yep. This is no way to live.

        And yes, take a vacation and if he gets a job you go alone.

      3. Don’t feel badly about pushing him. He needs it.

        My husband has been through really tough employment starting with the recession, which objectively ruined his career forever (as it did to an entire cohort of people in his field who were not senior enough or young (cheap) enough to survive) and ending with a major medical issue. Still, he has never gone more than a few months without some sort of employment or schooling – and that’s with small children at home (which he cared for FT in the off months).

        Employment isn’t everything, but your husband isn’t contributing. He’s likely also depressed. He *needs* to get something going for himself, be it training for a new profession, a job that he’ll enjoy and give him a feeling of worth even if it’s not lucrative or impressive, or volunteering for a cause, etc.

    5. If you want kids, would you be happy with him as a SAHD? That would save you the high cost of daycare and maybe make having kids affordable. If he ended up with a part time job, bonus, but you would plan as if he would never work.

      I had a friend in a genders reversed situation. He was frustrated because his wife was perpetually unemployed. But, what she really wanted more than anything was to be a SAHM. They just didn’t have kids yet and her heart just wasn’t into working. While that was infuriating, the reality was, he wanted kids too and his wife was a phenomenal stay at home mom. Once she got what she wanted, she became more motivated. She went back to school part time for a graduate degree in a new field and now that the kids are in school, she’s working again, albeit part time. They are happy too!

      The general advice is don’t have kids unless your relationship is rock solid UNLESS the situation making your relationship on the rocks would be moot once kids come along. If affording kids is an issue, a SAHD might be the answer.

      1. The issue is he has no desire to be a SAHD / primary childcare. If he was like “hey we can plan out kids and I am totally willing to work part time / watch our kids some day” I might feel a bit better about this whole thing.

        1. Then he needs to get a darn job. And you need to explore why you feel any reluctance to ask him to contribute to your lives together.

        2. He’s never expressed the desire or you have talked about it and he doesn’t want to do it? He might not know you are open to that possibility. He might be afraid to suggest it. If you have talked about it, never mind!

          1. We’ve talked about it. He wants us to be “equal partners” in terms of careers etc. Still isn’t sure that having kids is the right choice (which I am fine with). My issue is more if we aren’t going to have kids then fine, but lets plan out what we are going to do. Its the limbo that is killing me.

          2. He’s lying to you. If he wanted to be”equal partners” he would not see not contributing financially for 2 years as remotely acceptable. My husband worked at a big box hardware store during a period of unemployment, my father worked at a liquor store at night stocking shelves when our family needed more money than he could earn while retraining. If your husband really wanted to contribute financially, he would have figured out a way to do it by now.

          4. This is absurd.

            If you are looking for permission to leave him, I can tell you that is what I would be doing. And I truly hope his unemployment isn’t connected to knowing he has a paycheck to rely on (aren’t you big law?)

    6. Why hasn’t he gotten SOME kind of job? After two years, he either has a serious problem with interviewing or work ethic or he’s not applying for a broad enough range of jobs. After this long, he doesn’t get to keep waiting for a perfect job in his preferred field to pop up. He needs to go work at Starbucks or Target and continue the job search at night. I’d also be livid that he’s making you postpone kids because you can’t afford full-time day care and he doesn’t want to be home with them most of the time. Does he even want kids?

      1. So he had a commission only position for a while, but wasn’t really making much of anything from it. He ended up getting another job offer for a good salaried job and leaving that position, but then the offer for the salaried job got reneged.

        I would be fine if he didn’t want kids I just want to make a plan. Like plan to have kids in x years or not plan to have kids because we want to do thing x or thing y and then save to travel etc. I don’t want to be sitting on my couch in 5 years in the same kind of limbo I am currently in.

        1. You’re chill with letting him decide if you have kids?!?

          Why. Just. Why. To all of this.

          2. There’s no “upside” per se. When I met him I was 24 and kids were the furthest thing from my mind. Now that I am turning 30 I am trying to work through what I want given that window closes at a certain point. I see your point(s) though and I appreciate it

          3. It closes in 10-12 years. The only way you need to be worried about this is if you want to get out of this fustercluck and find someone else. In that case you need to make a decision soonish.

          4. It’s not crazy to defer to the other person if you don’t care one way or the other if you have kids. I am totally ambivalent about it. I will be happy if I have them and happy if I don’t. I’m not someone who always wanted to be a mother. My husband was the same way. Now he wants kids. So we are trying. Not because my wishes don’t matter but because I don’t care either way and he does. Decision made.

    7. I don’t know if you’re still reading this but…

      I am good friends with someone whose husband is in the same situation. Their solution was…to accept it, that she would be the main breadwinner and he, the house husband and main caregiver to their children.

      They are two of the happiest people I know, with two of the most adorable, loving children. She accepts that he wasn’t cut out for a career at this time, and is still convinced that she is the lucky one in the relationship to have such a wonderful husband.

      In time, he picked up a few part-time jobs on temporary assignments (computer science.) They made it work.

      1. He’s motivated to take care of his family though. Stay at home dad is pretty different than stay at home husband.

        1. Ah. I should have mentioned that when they made the decision to have kids, she was the one with the career and he was not. However, having children was always a high priority for them as a couple, so it was a question of “when,” not “if.”

    8. My husband and I had an agreement, from the beginning of living together, that if one of us was unemployed for an extended period, we would end that period of unemployment by any means necessary, even if it involved working at Starbucks. It’s never come to that, but I do know some very smart and talented people who have had to take a job at Home Depot or Trader Joe’s to make ends meet when they had to. Back in 2009, that was actually a relatively common occurrence.

      In my experience, work begets more work. If someone is working, doing something, they are more likely to meet people and make connections that will help them get a better job. What I have observed is that the longer people are at home, the harder it is for them to get a job, I think because as their recent work experience gets farther away, and their connections grow more distant, it’s hard to get hired.

      Your husband needs to do something. It may not be full-time, it may not be well-paying, it may not be what he wants to do. But he needs to get a job of some kind. I would say the same if this was a woman in a household that needed two incomes.

      Your husband is probably a fine person. People can get stuck in a rut and sometimes they need a push to get out of it. He needs a push. Good luck to you both.

  11. So I did exactly what everyone here says not to do and hired a financial advisor who works on commission instead of a flat fee. He came highly recommended from friends, we like him, etc. We’re at the stage where he’s recommending products (cash value whole life insurance! buying whole life insurance for the kids!) and I’m freaking out. Any advice? Has anyone invested in any of these vehicles and felt like it was a good idea, and/or worked with an FA who is not flat-fee only?

    1. The products he’s recommending are terrible rip-offs, which is why everyone here recommends against hiring a financial advisor who works on commission. Those products are only sold by advisors on commission because if you didn’t pay an advisor to sell them, no one would. He’s nice and you like him because he’s good at his job – that’s how effective salesmen are. Get away from him ASAP! You don’t have to go through with this.

      2. +100

        I had a similar experience, with the FA giving us glossy presentations about how all these different life insurance policies would make us so very rich! Luckily I spoke to some trusted family members before DH and I signed aboard. Their basic point is that you’re going to lose way too much of your money paying the premiums and fees for a life insurance policy. If you just invest it in a low-cost fund (think Vanguard), you’ll see so much more of the upside.

    2. Tell him you need to think about it and then never call him back. You didn’t hire a financial advisor, you got sucked into a life insurance salesman’s world. You should buy life insurance if you need cash for your family when you die (pay off debt, replace income, fund kids education, etc.). That is it. If you are trying to invest, then use investment products. The rise of robo-advisors makes it very easy to get started, and they are upfront about their fees and very cost-effective. The sites usually have some basic financial planning tools that will prepare a financial plan for you. I use Betterment, but there are others out there that you can research and find the one you like best.

  12. I just heard a rumor that my PITA co-worker (dad’s company shut down Bernie Madoff style so we inherited him, wanders around the office being very loud and not working, wrinkled clothes, comes in late EVERY day and leaves first) is having an affair with our new graduate receptionist. (He’s the one whose wife and kids brought pizza into the conference room on his birthday and left a mess)

  13. The guy I am dating continues to prove himself to be a good one.

    I an having surgery next week. Nothing crazy. My normal emergency contact just had a baby. I have one friend who will serve as my first EC, but the hospital wanted a second EC. I do not want my family involved. I reached out to the new guy to ask if he would be comfortable being the second EC, with the caveat that I understand it could be a bit weird this eqrly in dating and that I would not at all be upset if he declined (which is true). Despite him being crazy busy, he didn’t miss a beat and responded, “No, I’m in.” (The way I asked it makes the phrasing of his answer mean yes he will do it.)

    I’m a little swoony!

    1. Two thoughts: (1) you probably just outed him (2) this basically sounds like a way to force intimacy, although he sounds like someone with no boundaries either, so yay

      1. What an odd response to this post.

        So yes, OP didn’t need to be so specific. But chill out; this is clearly not forced intimacy. She needed a favor. The person she is dating agreed to it, as a normal person would. She asked if he’d be the alternate for driving her home next week, and you’re responding as if she tricked him into impregnating her to lock him into a marriage. Sheesh.

        1. Agreed. It is NOT as though she will have to have wild s-x with him now, though she can if she wants to (once she recovers from her operation). I think the guy earned a certain amount of respect, and especially if he is called on, Count C will probably do something nice (tho NOT necessarily s-xueal) for him for being there when she was in the hospital. YAY!! Why can’t I find a guy like this? FOOEY!

        2. “as a normal person would” and yet she swoons. I’m just suggesting it might be time for “and more therapy.”

          2. Are you having a bad day? If so, I’m sorry. But please don’t take your agita out on other people; it’s not nice or fair.

    2. Good grief. I hope this is the same person who was nasty to me above at 6:03. I’d hate to think it’s more than one person going around spreading ugliness today.

  15. Any advice on how to help a new hire who’s taking awhile to pick things up or catch on, especially if you’re giving them the same feedback more than once?

    2. Have you tried different modes? Ie, if you’re mainly going over it verbally, can you write it down? Or instead of writing down instructions, can you have them go through it once with you guiding them?

      It can be helpful to have another person try to instruct them, if a logical person is available. Sometimes it’s just a matter of hearing it a different way. You may try another recent employee. In our department, we’ve actually found that more junior people make better mentors than senior, for example, which wasn’t intuitive to us.

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