Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Supersoft Frill Detail T-Shirt
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love a work-appropriate T-shirt, and this frilly-detailed top from Boden looks like a real winner. The 50% cotton/50% modal blend feels a bit more elevated than your standard cotton tee, and the details at the collar and sleeves make it feel just a little extra special.
The white color is featured here because that’s the hole I’m currently trying to fill in my closet, but it also comes in black, navy, soft lavender, gallery blue and a navy-and-ivory stripe.
The top is $45 at Boden and comes in sizes 0-20/22.
Sales of note for 3/10/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + 20% off
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale and select styles with code
- J.Crew – 40% off everything + extra 20% off when you buy 3+ styles
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off all pants & sweaters; extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale until midday 3/14: $50 off every $200 – combineable with other offers, including 40% off one item and 30% off everything else
I’m the director of a small team at a nonprofit. One piece of feedback I’ve gotten repeatedly is that I’m “great at breaking down and then delivering large projects” – which is definitely true. There were a couple problems I addressed that had plagued the company for a while because their source wasn’t 100% clear, involved multiple teams and clients, was politically complicated etc
What is this skill set called in resume terms or in general job search terms? Project management?
I think project management describes the ability to break down and deliver large projects, while having a successful track record of finding and implementing solutions to complex organizational/operational/client-facing problems is worth a separate callout.
Is there a word or phrase for the “successful track record of finding and implementing solutions to complex organizational problems” – or is it just that description?
I don’t think you can shorten it very much. In my org it might be called a special assignment requiring diplomacy and judgement.
I think project management is too limited, that could be read as managing the project plan and deliverables, and too task oriented for what you are describing. Conceptually, you are skilled at big picture and little picture work. Perhaps something like proven expertise (or leader) in assessing large, complex situations (or scenarios or problems), developing and implementing action plans to deliver organizational savings (or improvements, compliance) etc.
I’d then carry this through to one or more of your achievements on your resume — Led assessment of whatever, defined opportunities for improvement and executed plan to deliver $$$$ in savings over two years.
This is a great skill set — too often, people can do one or the other but not both!
Thanks! I really like this wording. Going to go re do some resume bullets right now.
I call this strategic execution. Maybe that’s just what our org calls it. You have the strategic insight to identify problems and think creatively how to address them, and also have the follow through to actually execute on addressing the issue.
Yes project management but perhaps simply, Leadership. This is a good candidate to plug into AI and see what it comes up with for you. Prompt it using a couple of examples or some more details on your process of how you accomplish the breaking down and delivering of projects.
On my resume it is “skilled at delivering the overall goal and implementing the details to bring it about” or similar.
Wondering if this happens to others and anyone has better insight on what’s going on – I woke up yesterday and it felt like a tiny bone in my wrist is out of place, slight pain when I move or lift things. This morning wrist still hurts but my foot (same side) has the same issue where it feels like something sharp is out of place. My hip is also popping more, and my neck has a crick in it. This has happened a number of times over the years and always resolves itself after a few days.
Is it possible this has something to do with inflammation, or maybe losing weight? (I’m actually up on the scale but feel thinner this week.) also just had my period last week, maybe hormones? Just curious if there’s a reason beyond “slept on it funny.”
I know progesterone can loosen up joints (apparently if we actually get pregnant some of our bones have to readjust the angles where they meet one another; we get a small taste of that during puberty when a lot of teens have knee issues that resolve, and a smaller taste every month as things loosen up and then tighten up again).
There are inflammatory conditions that can target connective tissue, but I feel like that would be less occasional.
The pregnancy hormone that relaxes joints is Relaxin. I had horrible problems with my sacroiliac joint during all three of my full term pregnancies so I am on a first name basis with it!
This happens to me in my feet all the time. That feeling that a bone is out of place and just needs to pop back in. Idk what causes it, but I’d be interested to find out if you get an answer! My hips also crack a lot.
I also have a history of TMJ, so I think my ligaments are just prone to being sloppy (not the medical term). I was 110 lbs and 19 when I had TMJ issues; I’m currently 40, pregnant, and pushing 200lbs and my hips are still popping and cracking all the time. So, I don’t think weight has anything to do with it.
How can you say “you refuse to take direction, even when multiple people tell you the same thing”? My shorthand is “X is fundamentally uncoachable”. I have had a few people come through who just really did not understand things and seemed unable to take instructions and run with them (as in, they probably had skills on paper because they had passed an exam on basics, but were so shaky that you think they must have been passed along because they were really nice people and someone wanted to give them a break). This time, the person seems to be capable, just almost defiant (yelled at a staff member, send an e-mail flaming them more up the supervisory chain; staff member had done nothing wrong and was reminding the person of a deadline that was about to be missed). “Will not admit to mistakes / will not take corrections / not open to feedback”? We don’t do brain surgery, etc., but problematic fundamentals at the human level are a big problem on a team (and the technical fundamentals are not so good that I could overlook the other).
Exactly how you first said it, in clear plain english
Yes this. No need to hide the ball.
Yes, especially when someone behaves this poorly.
Plain English for the win. “Uncoachable” doesn’t imply this kind of inappropriate recalcitrant insubordinate type of attitude.
yeah uncoachable could mean they tried their very best but failed. You want the word resistant or refusing to convey what is happening here.
Uncoachable is a great term when you’re explaining to your manager or HR why termination occurred/was necessary. You took all reasonable steps to help the employee perform, but the person’s performance won’t ever improve to a satisfactory level and further effort is futile because they’re uncoachable. That captures enough for this purpose. But for the employee, it’s likely not specific enough.
The plain English that OP first used is the best when communicating to the employee, IMO.
“Lacks analytical skills necessary for success.”
Some people can do a thing well if there is a set fact pattern, if that fact pattern repeats within a narrow variable scope, and the decisions are clear for each variable presented. In other words, if the decision flow chart for a worker’s regular task scope is fairly predictable, there is success for this worker. Where it goes off the rails for this type of worker is a job with a lot of decrete tasks, or a lot of individual decisions within each task, every time, rather than standardization. This requires too much critical thinking rather than skills thinking for this type of worker to be successful.
A person with great analytical skills is able to think “this situation is similar to parts of x and parts of y, can I resolve my new problem based on my experience with those situations?” and is able to solve new problems. They are also able to receive and digest feedback.
This doesn’t get to the apparent obstinacy of the person she’s describing. It’s just corporate speak that doesn’t give all the info. She should be direct.
Nope. Fundamental issue is the lack of willingness to take direction. Don’t bury that. Better analytical skills can be built through training and (more often) experience. This is about attitude, and that’s important to acknowledge, particularly when there may be others down the path who may question the situation.
Right. I would frame it as “lacks adaptability and a growth-oriented mindset.” It’s a soft skills deficit that will hamper any career progression.
Huh? Why not literally say, “Does not take reasonable suggestions or directions”? That is unambiguous and is the behavior described.
This is vague corporate speak that obscures the actual problem. I can see that employee misunderstanding and then when it comes time to terminate, whining that they were never told specifically what the issues were.
“You don’t change your behaviour based on reasonable feedback. Here are a couple recent examples.”
Is it refusing to change approach when you (their direct manager?) specifically tell them what to do; or is it more not taking into account and implementing feedback from peers in other departments? (and then the project fails because it didn’t account for other departments needs)? First one feels more like plain insubordination (“Sometimes I need to make a call on how we do X, and I need to know you’ll follow it, even if you don’t agree. Examples. Is that something you can do?”). I actually think your wording is fine either way – would just also make sure you discuss specific examples with them. And tbh, I think the first is very unlikely to be corrected – whereas the second might be improved with coaching
Is this person your direct report?
The yelling at a staff member and subsequent email is alarming. If you haven’t had a come-to-jesus, “your job is in danger” conversation you need to.
I would say “You do not incorporate feedback into your work, and you are defensive when you receive constructive feedback. Here are a few examples.”
A bit of an aside—what’s the standard for reviewing and discarding feedback? I can’t imagine a project where everyone’s feedback is actually incorporated, though it should be accounted for in the final product.
This is so dependent on the situation that it’s impossible to answer in a vacuum.
Giving feedback a fair shake and having a logical reason for not incorporating.
Maybe Unmanageable? Hostile? I agree with you Uncoachable is different. I said this for another post above but give AI a try to come up with the right words to describe behaviors.
Taking constructive criticism well, admitting fault when appropriate, and altering work behaviors accordingly is a crucial element of this job. X has failed to do so on multiple occasions, including yelling at a staff member and inappropriately involving higher manager over reminders for a deadline.
“Male”?
I’m in BigLaw, getting to be senior, and due to a size change need to shop a bit for pieces for Big Meetings. If you were going to spend <5,000 (I'm hoping for less) for a capsule wardrobe / refresh, what would you buy? I have basic black pants that fit, but IDK if Lady Jackets are formal enough. I also worry that I can't stylishly wear a suit in 2025 (I'd look like 2015 maybe — something might not be right). I'm not even sure where to start. I'm in the SEUS and swear that most women who work here either don't need very formal attire for their work clothes (or wear scrubs), based on how stores are stocked (maybe I don't, either?). I tried to put on my MMLF go-to and it's a fail (and a size up is too big in the bust / too tight in the seat). 10/12 sizing for my largest dimension, depending on cut.
Also: shoes? I have one pair of black pointy-toe flats; everything else seems wrong.
I have found Veronica Beard to be a good source of business suits that look fresh and modern. They have a range of sizes.
+1 to Boss, Veronica Beard, The Fold, and mixing in mall brands for basics. I’ll often buy Veronica Beard blazers and pair with shells from Jcrew/pants from Talbots for example.
I know it’s an ‘old lady’ brand but Talbots pants just seem to fit me the best out of the (many) I’ve tried on. Ann Taylor’s new spring offerings seem nice online but they are a ‘only buy in person’ brand for me these days.
Talbots Of All Places
Their pants are the best. I agree.
For that amount of money, and your need for clothing that projects a certain image and fits well, I’d suggest you go to a department store and work with a consultant and also get suits/pants tailored. Do you have a Nordstrom near you? Some other store that offers this service?
I just wonder in a world where actual lawyers are unsure about fashion, are we sure that non-lawyers will somehow know the answer? I’d maybe try shopping for one outfit somewhere (including shoes) and see how that goes. I wonder if Ann Mashburn would work but worry, always, that things would be too casual.
In my city, I feel like the boutiques that give exceptional personalized service where you stay there for a long time talking, having a glass of wine, and trying things on are where Parker Posey’s character from Season 3 of White Lotus would shop. Which is great, but not what is needed here.
It’s one anxious lawyer with a distinctive writing style who is unsure. Variations on this question have been posted about 3 dozen times just in the last year.
Oh, good grief. It’s not a sign of anxiety to ask lawyer fashion questions on a lawyer fashion blog, and it’s perfectly conceivable that many lawyers would have similar questions because it.is.a.fashion.blog.
I could have written this multiple times, thanks to perimenopause / age-related activity-reduced weight gain and body composition changes, starting around 2017 and maybe annually since COVID. It’s evergreen. ,
For some reason there are posters who seem to think they’re very smart when declaring that certain posts are written by the same person. As if being unsure about what to wear is a completely unique problem and that more than one person could NEVER write a couple paragraphs using similar language. It’s so bizarre.
I don’t see senior women wearing matching suits for anything and attend my fair share of Big Meetings.
Stores don’t carry much formal workwear because not many people wear formal workwear. Maybe go to Neiman Marcus and work with an associate to try on a bunch of styles from Max Mara, Boss, St. John, etc. so you know how those brands tend to fit you and you can order online, which has a far better selection, with less roul-tte.
What I do see, and this is for 50+ women earning high 6-figure or low 7-figures-
– The Fold or other very structured dresses that don’t require a jacket
– Interesting jacket (lady jacket, cape jacket, oversized jacket) over a column of color, most typically black, or over a silky blouse with pants. Pants are straight or wide leg, sometimes cropped. Sometimes over a sheath but this is less common now than pre-Covid.
– The occasional “high heel” (3″ stiletto) but mostly expensive flats and lower block heels – think Roger Vivier or Ferragamo or Stuart Weitzman
+1 to all of this but I’ll add that I am seeing a lot of dress sneakers, Rothy’s, and loafers in NYC. The proper ‘dress shoes’ are almost always flats or low block heels, to the point where high heels are starting to stand out as oddly dated/formal.
This 100%
I also think it makes a difference what your big meetings are. If they’re with clients, I encourage you to dress more similar to the client. If they’re not wearing suits, you’re going to look stuffy in a suit, so something like a lady jacket could be perfect.
If your big meetings are going to court, boring suit is what you need and don’t worry about looking too dated.
On my resume it is “skilled at delivering the overall goal and implementing the details to bring it about” or similar.
Anothe +1 to this advice. My immediate thought was The Fold, but this goes much further and is great advice.
I would have agreed with you a year ago but suits are making a big comeback. I’m seeing them in fun colors, slightly oversized, or with sneakers/less formal shirts underneath. The lady jacket/chanel style blazer over a midi dress is also still big in my offices (Boston/NYC).
oh, you know what, you’re right. I do see matching suits but not the kind I think the OP is picturing (traditional gray, navy, etc). Bold colors that are so bold it doesn’t even register as a “suit” to me any more, as opposed to just an outfit!
Was popping in to say this exactly. I am a senior c-suite woman and all my peers are wearing suits as am I. They’re the easy breezy way of getting dressed this year. I get a lot at Ann Taylor, MMLF, VB, and all in fun colors and patterns, it’s not the navy blue with pearls look of yesteryear.
Agree. See also Kate Hudson’s character on Running Point- style inspiration for women in fun suits.
I would go to Saks or Nordstrom and get a personal shopper. I also second the recommendation for Veronica Beard.
Throw in some L’Agence blazers.
Nordstrom Rack had a whole rack of L’Agence blazers in a variety of sizes when I went to the store recently.
Is it really all bright colors, oversized jackets, and dramatic peplums a la The Fold? I look like a clown in all of these things. How can someone who does best in sleek, tailored silhouettes in black or navy look current? I can do forest green or eggplant, but those colors don’t work for summer.
None of the advice is saying that? Wear a column of black or navy and top with a lady jacket.
It is, saying that, though–“interesting suits” are big and brightly colored.
Sounds like you might be pear shaped? If so, I like Boden, Hobbs, Elie Tahari, L.K. Bennet and Talbots for a mix of pieces.
Are there any female partners you are close to? Ask them as there is probably a personal shopper or particular store you are not thinking about. Also, just going to NYC is always an option. Similar size range and brands that works for me: L’Argence (increasingly becoming a favorite), Boss (trial and error on sizes), Akiris, Theory (same), St. Johns (again, you have to go fishing for non-grandma), Sezane (basics – silks, knits), Veronica Beard (just realize a lot is cut weird), Victoria Beckham (favorite for one off unique), and Michael Kors Collection (work horses that last for years).
Female partners I’m close to? Cue my bitter cackling. That is part of the problem. There aren’t any to be even frosty with let alone close to.
Tuckernuck actually has some cute work clothes if you search for it.
I have the “braided trim Shay jacket” and it’s great both with wool pants for a formal look or jeans for a business casual.
Since there are a lot of lawyers on here, figured it’s a good place to bring up the executive order against Perkins Coie. I’m a lawyer but not big firm so no personal stake. This EO is absurd and dangerous. They are trying to make the legal profession kowtow to them. Jack Smith has a right to representation regardless of what anyone feels about his role as special counsel.
Jack Smith was the Covington order, but yeah, same energy. And in case you missed it, he’s directed the DOJ to open investigations into law firm hiring practices.
This is so wildly unconstitutional and such an abuse of power that I hope big law operates as a unit against the government to coordinate a response. What a naked effort to undermine the legal profession. I fear that the cowardice and greed that accompanies golden handcuffs will override lawyers’ better instincts. But I know that I will be advocating for my firm to step up and participate in whatever efforts are coordinated to support Perkins, and I hope the other lawyers here do the same.
Agree with all of this. I desperately hope that these firms will stand up for themselves and the profession. It’s only going to get harder if they (and the rest of us) don’t stand up now. There is so much on the line.
There is also language in the order that would encourage clients to ditch Perkins (and similar firms). In house counsel are also going to have to stand up against pressure here.
Just such an ugly, cynical, petty EO.
Thanks for the catch. And agree with your other points. I fear that this is the kind of action that doesn’t sink into the consciousness of the general public because it seems so industry specific (although I’ve seen reporting on it by mainstream media outlets). But this is a very real threat to basic democratic rights. All lawyers should be shouting from the rooftops of what this could mean for representation in the future of all individuals. The administration is actively coming up with an enemies list.
This is horrific. I really hope the firms make a LOT of noise, in court and everywhere else. Every day something more frightening comes out of DC.
I was not on yesterday so IDK if you all have already discussed it, but the vitriol toward Justice Barrett is really frightening. While I very much disagree with her POV on a lot of things, I respect her qualifications and I think she is intellectually honest and consistent. Now they’re coming for her.
Of course they are. Anyone who isn’t a white man is a DEI hire or slept their way to the top. These a**holes are validated and emboldened. As a woman who’s spent her entire life in lower paying, male dominated fields fighting against this stuff while working my tail off to not just be as good but better than my male colleagues, it’s awful seeing what little progress we’ve made being swept away.
The NYT had a very disheartening article yesterday about how Trump critics are silencing themselves due to fear of violent reprisal.
Perkins Coie was involved with the Russia Collision hoax that almost took down Trump’s first administration. That was so insanely unethical and wrong that absent heads rolling in that firm, it is obviously incapable of self-governance.
Also, I recall seeing Trump’s attorneys get arrested and have their mugshots posted online.
Cry harder, but I don’t really care, Margaret.
Wow, I hope you don’t ever need a competent attorney. (Plus Russian disinformation during the 2016 election was not, in fact, a “hoax,” but I digress.)
Anon at 10:17, go get a blowout or bigger implants or something.
This is such an unclever and ridiculously sexist comeback. I’m sure you can come up with something better.
My middle-school son could come up with a better insult in 10 seconds. Do better.
LOL okay.
The lawyer you’re complaining about left Perkins in 2021. It’s a nonsensical complaint even if he were still at Perkins (and the appropriate response would be motions for sanctions and/or state bar complaints). But it’s an actively stupid one given that he hasn’t been at the firm for four years.
Pretending there’s going to be a 2028 election for a sec, who have Democrats identified as candidates to cultivate and prepare? I saw that Waltz is considering running, which is fine, and Newsom’s ego will carry him through to the primary stage, but is the national party infrastructure *actively* working to groom anyone?
Other names I have heard floated include Buttigieg and Whitmer. Personally, I think Walz is who we really need in that office.
Some D governor, ideally in a purple state to have some traction. Newsome seems so d*mn thirsty and California seems to be too out there for the other 49 states.
I know people who really like Beshear.
I am Team Beshear. Purple-blue and pragmatic.
Another strong Team Beshear.
And I really, really hate to say this, but they’ve got to run two dudes.
Beshear will crash and burn outside of Kentucky.
Recall that Kentucky has not reelected a GOP governor, or had two consecutive Republican governors, since the nineteenth century. (For what happens to Republican governors who win after a Republican Governor, that’s William Sylvester Tyler. He was shot and then ousted by the Democratic legislature.)
For ninety years, the Democrats dominated the state legislature; that ended with the 2016 election.
It’s a very heavily dynastic state – Beshear family, the Chandler family, etc.
Beshear’s base is low-information Kentucky Republicans and a large swath of Kentucky Democrats who like Steve Beshear’s son.
I’m Team Beshear. Also team top of the ticket has to be a straight man. VP could be a woman or Buttigieg I think.
I’m in Indiana and people here LOVE Beshear, even people who voted for Trump. I know we’re your neighbor, but I don’t think these people are plugged in to KY politics enough to understand the dynasty thing. His message just seems to really resonate with disaffected white rust belt voters, including non-college whites, which is a key demographic for Democrats. I wouldn’t write him off.
It’s a mistake to focus on the 2028 presidential election. 2026 midterms are what really matter.
If G.O.P. gets 2/3 in Senate then they can start impeaching judges for making any decisions that Trump dislikes and we lose the judicial branch.
Balance of power is 3 branches. Focusing on the executive at the expense of the legislative and judicial is a mistake. The focus on the presidential election makes it seem like it is the only one that matters. No kings in America.
it wouldn’t hurt to have some visible party leaders for the midterms either.
100%! 2026 is going to be extremely important.
I live in Michigan and will be following the senate race closely as Senator Peters is retiring. Thankfully we have a deep bench of democratic leadership here. No democrats have announced but several prominent ones who will likely run are State Senator Mallory McMorrow, Pete Buttigieg (he moved here a few years ago, his husband is from Traverse City), Abdul El-Sayed (ran for Governor in 2018, currently runs the largest health department in the state), AG Dana Nessel. The primary is going to be extremely interesting.
I think Lt Gov Gilchrist will run for Governor along with SOS Jocelyn Benson.
If GOP gets 2/3 of senate seats, would that not assume that their policies resonate with electorate?
No because they are not being open about their policy of trying to achieve a sufficient seats to impeach judges who follow the law and make decisions which support the constitutional limits on executive power.
Aka institutional capture which is a key step towards dictatorship.
I find this such a difficult topic to wrap my head around. Yes, in a democracy, people get to elect their leaders. So in one sense, and from an insanely privileged life, I feel like things need to break really bad and a lot of people need to experience the consequences of their vote for meaningful changes.
On the other hand, I also believe that the people in power now got there partially by lying about their vision for the country and about who would be in charge, and a lot of voters were not presented with both sides of the argument because of echo chambers. That’s also not a very democratic vibe, you know?
Plus the amount of disinformation out there is insane. I honestly think most people don’t even know what they are voting for – they just go with whoever confirms their hatred’s and biases on Twitter.
Agree with you, anonshmanon, and I think it also bears pointing out that the unspoken part of this notion, i.e., that people should experience the negative consequences of their decisions, is that then they will change their minds / see the error of their ways, and we can fix it. The problem we face now is that even if that does happen (which may in itself be wishful thinking), if we have in the meantime dismantled our democracy past the point of no return, then it won’t matter.
Why are you normalizing the view of no election in 2028 or Trump as a king? These types of comments serve only to spread this idea as likely or acceptable. Speculation on a candidate four years from now is pointless, hopefully any candidate will be someone not very visible today because our current crop of leaders are hopeless.
It’d be much more productive to focus on upcoming elections especially mid-terms.
I’m not responsible for what anyone else predicts will happen in 2028. You can put forth your own view if you want. However, it is vitally important to acknowledge that the worst can happen – not to bury your heads in the sand. Will it DEFINITELY happen? Of course not. But there is a real chance it could.
Completely agree with this. Everyone that makes cynical comments about no elections in 2028 is complicit in ceding power to Donald Trump and makes this more likely.
And I also agree that if the Democrats are going to be successful, it will likely be with an Obama 2008 type candidate, someone who hasn’t really been in the party mainstream for the last several decades and is hopefully much younger. Maybe someone like Ruben Gallego.
That’s a silly argument. A question asking what the opposing party is doing to overcome that very risk is in no way “complicit.” Correctly identifying a risk never is. A scientist who publishes research showing that a new proposed pesticide causes cancer and warns the public of the risk isn’t “complicit” in its production and adoption.
Identifying the risk and making clear that you’ll fight it is fine and absolutely what we should be doing. But what I keep seeing here is just a lot of passive acceptance and cynicism, which I do think makes you complicit. I know Donald Trump doesn’t read here (ha!), but I see it all over the internet these days, and if I were him and his minions, these types of comments would absolutely make me feel empowered to do anything I wanted, because it’s clear that the opposition doesn’t think they can do anything to push back. We can recognize the risk without accepting it as a given.
It takes time to cultivate new candidates, something the Dems absolutely did not learn last time. It was ludicrous to run Biden again and then to pivot to Harris literally months before the election. This time around, they need to have 4-6 strong primary candidates and to start working on them NOW.
I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if it turned out that they took money to just get out of the way.
I don’t even believe the last election was fair. Let’s be real those tech bros had their fingers where they shouldn’t have been
Wouldn’t that have shown up eventually in the audits and recounts they do to make sure the machines were correct? (Isn’t that the whole reason there are paper ballots even when using a machine?)
Oh for goodness sake, let’s not become the election conspiracy theorists.
I don’t think she has to be referring to election machines/ballots to be right here. For example, Musk has acknowledged manipulating Twitter users by encouraging Republican agendas and censoring others.
Not every state has a paper record if you vote on a machine. Some just have the machine. Which is why I always insist on a paper ballot
Completely agreed on this whole take.
He got away with Jan 6 and laws and the courts don’t seem to be protecting us from what he and Elon are doing now.
This, exactly.
Agreed. Cynicism can be cowardice. That said, in defense of OP, I think she was trying to avoid this entire aspect of the discussion.
I am guilty of cynicism in that i fundamentally feel that no dem will be able to win in 2028. Trump is so awful that a huge number of people who voted for him will admit they don’t like him and yet they prefer him to any generic dem. I’ve given up on trying to understand it. I’m sick of hearing about how flawed and awful each dem is from both inside and outside the party. Literally any name we throw out would be worlds better for the vast majority of this country and yet here we are.
I will get over this and be hopeful again soon. Maybe it’s never been a fair fight, but I don’t know why every dem has to be charismatic, young yet experienced, have policies that have never changed and appeal to everyone from swing voters to democratic socialists to Wall Street, be Christian but woke,ect ect. and trump gets to promise a dictatorship that helps white folks and Putin and that’s…not a dealbreaker? I don’t think dems have failed us for being imperfect. I think people vote for republicans for reasons they’re not intellectually honest about.
Just want to say the I hear you.
Yes to your last sentence.
I’m not the OP, but I’ve read a lot of history and I see a potential path that we are on. It ends up with “elections” in name, but that are not fair, and a leader who rules like a king even if he’s a president in name. In other words, Putin (or Orban). The analogue for what we are seeing right now is not 1930s Germany, it’s 1990s Russia. We’ve been so deluded by the notion of American exceptionalism that we think it can’t happen here, but it very much can.
Gift article that explains this better than I can:
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2025/02/doge-civil-servant-purge/681671/?gift=hVZeG3M9DnxL4CekrWGK38OD13Rx0lhyd5fWjR1YAEk
Agreed. Telling ourselves it can’t happen here is ignoring history.
Trudeau since we’ll probably be the 51st state by then.
He’s so charismatic and intelligent. Even though I’m much further left than he is, I’m still captivated every time he speaks.
Also so handsome
He looks so much like his dad, and his dad is famously on many a college student’s t-shirt.
While I don’t support annexing Canada, this would be a silver lining.
I’d certainly like Congress more with say, 10 Canadian provinces added as states with proportional representation and 2 senators each. But I generally like Canadians, and wouldn’t wish such things on them
Military occupation would still be ongoing in 2028 though so more likely 2032.
You mean Trudeau who has a 22% approval rating in Canada?
He’s got that 9/11 Rudy Giuliani glow happening.
I actually think that if the national party infrastructure was actively working to groom anyone, it would be a determinate. People HATED that the party rounded around Biden and the Kamala last round.
Personally what I would like to see the national party doing right now is actually leading/coordinating a resistance to Trump. They could form a symbolic shadow cabinet and then the shadow cabinet head would respond directly to every insane thing that the Trump admin is doing. It would provide some infrastructure for messaging, and it would spotlight 15-16 Dem leaders – we would get to see who can rise and grab attention. I can see a website called “Shadow Cabinet” – on one side is the crazy thing the Trump admin has done, and on the other side the shadow dept leader responds in video or written. It would provide a formal place, divides the responsibility amidst leaders so they all don’t feel like they have to respond to everything, and allows one place for people to check in and see what various dems are saying about issues. I would have loved for Kamala to lead this, but apparently as Dems we lose and we go away quietly.
Anyway, re potential 2028 candidates, I like Mark Cuban as non-political option.
Well this is semi-true. The GOP has done this since Roe v Wade and done well, 6 justices!! and now there is a king in America.
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Shadow cabinet is key. Many parliamentary democracies have opposition parties who do this. They assign specific people to be the lead critic (that’s the actual name) on a file like health or transport. That way the public is regularly seeing an opposite point of view lead by a consistent person on that topic.
I didn’t consider this. I find it really interesting and it gives me hope.
I’m so frustrated that this isn’t happening. it seems like such a clear thing that the party could do without even all agreeing on a strategy or a specific policy point.
UK/Canada/ Australia etc the leader of the 2nd largest party is officially the ‘Leader of His Majesty’s Loyal Opposition’ or ‘Leader of the Official Opposition’ because of the idea that you can vigorously oppose a government’s ideas without being disloyal to the country.
(determinate should be detriment. I hate the current versions of autocorrect/fill.)
There’s a lot of talk about people from outside of politics like Stephen A. Smith and Mark Cuban. Stephen A. Smith has been doing a lot of interviews in the last few weeks talking about it. He hasn’t particularly impressed me, but I’m obviously not the target demographic.
“Lets get our own TV personality and our own billionaire!”
The other strategies have worked so well!!
Why not try something new?
The Democratic strategy since Reagan has been “let’s try what the Republicans are doing, but not go quite so far as they do.”
I would love for them to try something new.
Anon @ 11:08 am – I say this not in a snarky way, but what are you thinking for something new? Your first para makes me think that you aren’t a fan of the Mark Cuban style nominee since it’s Trump-lite. Governors and senators aren’t new. So what are you thinking for new?
I think they need to move away from using a marketing mindset to try to sell voters on their brand of selling out, and instead build strong track records in standing up against landlords, private equity firms, lenders, and insurance companies. Then more people might actually trust them instead of preferring to watch the world burn.
Stephen A. Smith isn’t even that good at his actual job. Hard pass.
A Cuban/Trump debate would be the worst reality tv crossover episode ever.
I’m a Dallas girl so I am very familiar with Mark and generally very fond of him but let’s not do that. Let’s find someone who has done the work of government to prepare to be president.
And let’s go more centrist than I would really like in my heart because the country has moved so far to the right that a really liberal candidate isn’t going to be elected.
It seems Chris Murphy is working overtime to increase his national profile.
I like him but if I get one more f-ing text from him…
I don’t think that person has emerged yet. I think we’ll probably see some pragmatic non-standard dems emerge—think (former senator) Jim Webb or Kirsten Sinema types.
Sinema, really? Is crypto going to be popular after this administration’s crypto shenanigans?
How about JB Pritzker/Tim Walz (and let Walz’s “weird” flag fly!)?
NOT Pritzker. Baggage and can’t run a state (granted, it was in poor fiscal shape when he got it).
Yeah, I can’t say that Pritzker has done a bad job, considering the situation. I was very unhappy when he became the dem candidate for governor, but I have been pleasantly surprised.
Only if you wanna lose again.
Low stakes Friday question: any recs for a cool-toned pale pink nail polish? I don’t want something that reads a white nor so bright that it comes across as Barbie pink, and I would like a drugstore bottle so I can grab it on my way home. I always gravitate toward yellow-toned options and that just doesn’t work well with my coloring. Thanks!
Essie Sugar Daddy for a sheer pink. Layering builds color.
Essie Mademoiselle should do the trick
I agree. I also wonder if there is a Kur shade that is what OP is looking for (haven’t tried Kur myself though)
In addition to Essie Mademoiselle and Sugar Daddy, I like Opi Sweet Heart, which is less yellow than Bubble Bath.
Adding to this to ask-ideas for something more saturated than the Essie and OPI recommended but also not Barbie neon pink. (More strong pink but not so bold).
OPI Lisbon wants Moor – I have it on right now!
I like Essie Gel Couture Pre-show Jitters. A very pale pink, but not white. Fairy Tailor in the same line is a bit more pink.
They call this Gel Couture on the theory that it lasts longer, like gel. It might last a bit longer than regular nail polish, but it’s not gel and it doesn’t require the UV lights.
Thank you! I was never sure what the gel part meant and so avoided it, but there are some great colors and now I know I can dive in!
Mini rant – I bought a ton of suiting separates from Ann Taylor that seemed to go together (I think it was the seasonless stretch?) and a lot of them ended up being different fabric makeups so they look kind of weird together. My fault for not checking the details but what is the point of that?!
This is why I stan the Limited of old. They had certain suiting that was identical every season, so I could replace just a blazer or just the pants and the suit would still work. I miss it so much.
I have largely given up on Ann Taylor on-line because of the inconsistent and often cheap fabric and genuinely ridiculous size inflation (I am a size 8; I might be a size 6 in some generously cut items or jeans with stretch. I am not a 4, much less a 2(!).).
Lighthearted Friday question: my daughter’s 5th promotion ceremony is coming up and I’d like to get her something festive to wear. She is sporty and not into super feminine clothing. I’ve looked around the usual places like Old Navy and HM, but haven’t found anything. She’s considering wearing a bright pantsuit, not sure where to get one in a kids size. The ceremony is indoors in June and from what I can tell, girls wear all sorts of stuff from preppy plaid jumpers, to ruffle puffs, to clubby sequined dresses. It’s so much easier for the boys who just wear collared shirts and ties. I could also use recommendations on what to wear. I’m thinking tailored shirt dress, but haven’t seen many.
This is a weird tender spot for me, as my parents don’t go to school in the US and never knew how to dress (themselves or me!) for these types of events.
JCrew Factory girls section is where I got something cute at a reasonable price for my daughter’s similar event.
Fifth grade (vs something military)? I think whatever you’d wear to church would be fine. My kids graduated from their elementary school during COVID though, so it was just still pictures in a zoom for two years straight. Probably not sequined anything unless it is at night. Ours was during school hours.
OP here-thanks for replying! I don’t attend church, so I’m not familiar with the attire. Also, yes it’s 5th graders – 10 to 11 year olds, not military.
Is this something like a graduation from 5th grade, at your local public school?
So this is essentially a graduation ceremony for the end of elementary school?
Op here – yes!
I was in elementary school in the ’00s but I don’t recall dressing up for 5th grade graduation. In 8th grade the girls wore dresses (picked themselves at that age of course) and boys wore mostly khakis and a button down – like what your kid might wear to a casualish family wedding or school dance
How about something like these:
https://www.jcrew.com/m/girls/categories/clothing/dresses/day/girls-elena-shirtdress-in-cotton-poplin/ME337?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=white-soft-cornflower-s&colorProductCode=CG987
https://www.jcrew.com/p/girls/categories/clothing/dresses/day/girls-smocked-jumpsuit-in-linen-cotton-blend/CJ636?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=dark-evening-tan-dot&colorProductCode=CJ636
I’d say Jcrew Factory, Jcrew, Gap, or Lilly Pulitzer will all have cute options. Jcrew Factory and Lilly also have mommy and me options if you would like to match.
What is this event? Is it like a 5th grade graduation/ “moving up” ceremony? I have a 5th grade girl and The Look in my area (wealthy boston suburbs) is a spring dress with tan block heeled sandals. Some girls will rock the sneakers-with-dresses look (light/white sneakers). Our suburb isn’t quite full on rufflepuff but it’s the sort of genre. My daughter and her friends are very sporty and live in athleisure, sweats, uggs and sneakers but they are all planning to wear dresses to their end of year event.
To keep your daughter feeling trendy but out of a dress if she doesn’t want to be in a dress, what about a short sleeve romper? If she’s okay with the floral/light pattern, go that direction, otherwise go with whatever she’s up for.
On sizing, you might have luck with women’s clothes in a XS or petite. My daughter is over 5′ already and wears a womens 0 or 2.
Here are some links to give you an idea.
https://factory.jcrew.com/p/girls/categories/clothing/dresses-and-skirts/dresses/girls-block-print-jumpsuit/CG264?color_name=pale-spinach-eucalyptu&N=8&noPopUp=true&srcCode=Paid_Search%7CShopping_Pmax%7CGoogle%7CPMG%5EG%5E99107622346_21151353243___c_pla_with_promotion_online__9001878&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=shopping_ads&utm_campaign=FACT_Shopping_PLA_US_All_Crewcuts_PMax_X_Google_X&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAz6q-BhCfARIsAOezPxkzVPKp_Dbwgie-VSwH2uNyEpFo1_ggvvKSBj1mxjrVU2LJYILkRq8aAuTrEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/kids-liana-floral-jumpsuit-big-kid/8110801?color=MULTI+COLORED&size=Big+Girl-xl+%2816%29&utm_content=81109154307&utm_term=aud-2279888758681:pla-310527691121&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_lia&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=6512984596&adpos=&creative=383012442652&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=92700049882420391&lid=92700049882420391&ds_s_kwgid=58700005465916907&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=310527691121&product_id=A4138397&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9001878&targetid=aud-2279888758681:pla-310527691121&campaignid=6512984596&adgroupid=81109154307&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAz6q-BhCfARIsAOezPxnyVKISBh-ISKkBqUzytqwh0LMakjaEFB5x-jZ3-v0FqFcwxsNmyXEaAiq3EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
My daughter and friends will be wearing stuff more like this, but it’s probably too puffy for your kiddo. I think the romper is a nice compromise.
https://www.abercrombie.com/shop/us/kids/p/emerson-puff-sleeve-mini-dress-59322831?faceout=prod&seq=02
Not sure what part of the country you’re in, but Dillards has a really cute girls’ dress section.
At my kid’s private school, the girls go fancy for 5th grade graduation (and these are pretty low-key kids otherwise). Long dresses, and heels (not high). Some do sequins/sparkles but taffeta or spring prints are more common. Take extra time to do her hair, maybe with a special barrette or curls. If you are thinking about getting her a gift, some girls get a special bracelet or necklace to wear too.
What about a jumpsuit? Nordstrom and Carter’s look like they have some sweet but not overly ruffly options.
I love the idea of your daughter wearing a pantsuit! Fifth grade was when we started shopping in the grown up section of the stores- is that an option? What if she had a brightly coloured bottoms and a white/light blue blazer? My daughter actually got something from a local consignment store for her 5th grade graduation. I like consignment/thrift because there is a variety of styles to choose from.
My son’s friend wore a sharp navy pantsuit to the 5th grade graduation and she looked amazing! She gave the “graduating speech” and it was adorable.
Nordstrom Rack (especially if you can go in person) is great for this sort of thing IME, and you can often buy something that’s pretty high-quality but fits a fifth-grade girl. If you’re not averse to Amazon, they have a wide array of this kind of thing as well.
Just wanted to add that it may be good to wear white. 95% of the girls at my 5th graders ceremony wore white.
I’m chiming back in as the parent of a current 5th grade girl. OP, the best thing for you to do is ask your daughter what her friends are thinking of wearing. This is going to matter so much by school. In our school, NONE of the girls wear white (they do for middle school graduation, though!). A suit would run the gamut- there’s a kid in my daughter’s grade that wears a blazer every day and he will 100% be in something over the top for their ceremony and he will own the heck out of it. The rest of the boys that are usually in gym clothes will be in polos or mayyybe a button down and almost certainly still wearing sneakers.
Same situation last year and my daughter wore a jumpsuit by Zunie from Nordstrom’s. So cute and she appropriate. The exact one is not available but here is a search:
https://www.nordstrom.com/browse/kids/girls-clothing/dresses-jumpsuits/jumpsuits-rompers?srsltid=AfmBOooef-Wu3kZgNDU6SX7LQ4piGRPlG7PrGePns6gOq8jnObaBVwBO
Are jumpsuits out? I think the answer is yes. I’m shopping for something for a wedding. So my question isn’t whether I can wear one I already own but buying new.
idk that they’re ‘out’ but it’s no longer oh look at that fresh fun interesting way of formal dressing! it’s just another kind of outfit choice.
You phrased your answer much better than I phrased my question. Thank you!
No.
Sleeveless belted for summer office wear.
THANK YOU to the person who heartily recommended the ClearSpace App in the thread about phone use a couple weeks ago.
I have tried to pare back on my social media use many times with no success. I would probably open Insta and FB 25 times a day through pure muscle memory (my thumbs clicked them when I opened my phone).
Within a day of installing this app I now open them less than 5 times. My phone use is nearly cut in half. I spend more time reading the news and doing crosswords and other games as a replacement, but it’s not 1:1 and overall much healthier and less engaging than social media is.
The change has been so remarkable that I feel like it sounds fake. But I am totally an Obliger / Abstainer personality (per Gretchen Rubin) and need that external accountability/control.
Oh that was me! I’m glad it’s working for you too! It’s kind of wild how it’s such a simple app and so similar to built-in screentime controls but works a zillion times better.
We are moving and looking at suburban homes and homes on a bit of land 2-12 acres. The bit of land thing is DH’s dream but I’m torn about it. It seems like a lot of work to me. He likes the privacy and quiet. Is the maintenance a lot to manage?
My parents have about three acres, and my dad’s happy place is on his electric riding mower.
It depends on what you want the yard to be and how steep/hilly the lot is.
My in-laws currently have 1.5 acres of flat land that’s just grass. FIL seems to like mowing the yard on his riding lawn mower every week during growing season. They do nothing else in terms of landscaping, including trees. I think it takes him a few hours to mow. I cannot imagine having 12 acres unless you’re going to let it grow wild.
Yes. I say this as someone who lived in a “cluster home” neighborhood with a paved backyard and just a bit of lawn in front and the sides and we / Husband totally dropped the ball on lawn maintenance. The trees grew into the house and we’d have to get them removed and repair gutters. And if you are a real gardener- have fun! But it’s hot or rainy or expensive and ugh
Yes. 2-12 acres would be a lot of maintenance.
Have you lived in a suburb before? It really depends on the type of land. If you’re mowing/powerwashing fencing/keeping up with re-seeding and huge garden beds then yes it’s a lot. I’m a city girl who moved to the burbs and after a few years of trying to garden I realized I hate it. We eventually replaced all the annuals in our beds with perennials and hired our lawn service to rake/bag leaves, trim the bigger trees, and treat the lawn. I still resent having to spend at least 1-2 weekend days a month weeding and trimming the beds but that’s about the bare minimum.
What do you want the land to look like? Wild forest and field or cultivated? Are you doing the work yourselves or hiring? Timeline what your weeks look like with the yard work.
My mom loves having a large yard and huge garden. I have neither because I dislike gardening.
My parents had 3 acres in an exurb where there were deer. Deer are maybe everywhere now? Most of the lot was trees, so no maintenance except for what may fall near the driveway. Around the house, you have grass and if you want anything else, you’d need to fence to keep the deer out b/c they eat everything. Only within the fence do you have any need to do any actual work. If you had just grass, it’s just mowing. That doesn’t have to be a big deal and someone can come every other week when it’s growing. BUT if you get snow, you may need to do a lot of plowing and get a lawn tractor you can put a snowplow blade on or similar for a truck. And maybe get a snowblower.
Uhh, deer have always been everywhere . . .
That’s not actually true. Deer were hunted nearly to extinction in the early 1900s and the population has been rebounding ever since. They actually live in a larger geographic range now than they did pre-colonization due to reduced competition and predation, land use change, and climate change.
How big is your budget for lawn and garden care? Even 2 acres is a lot to maintain, but 12? I assume some of that would be land you don’t actively have to care for (like prairie or forest or whatever)?
Does DH want to do the land maintenance himself? Does he have time? Is he looking at suburban lawn type stuff or more like .5 acre lawn + 10 acres of woods?
We have 2 acres- about .75 lawn and 1.25 woods. It is fine; we do our own lawn and leaves and I’d say it takes 1-2 hours a week. In my suburb, it would cost $75/weekly mow and more for the seasonal cleanups (leaves are easily $1k LOL so we DIY).
Maybe this is geographical but there is a vast difference in lifestyle between 2 acres and 12. Some suburbs still have 2-3 acre lots. But 12 is rural, not suburban.
We have close to 2 acres, but half of it is wooded so that part requires next to no maintenance. Unexpected to me, it saves some costs of lawn care because they can just dump leaves, cuttings, etc. into the woods rather than me paying someone to bag it up and haul it away/the wood chipper to process it. Makes for really good compost for my gardens, too, without compost smells.
I hire someone to cut the grass and to do a fall and spring cleanup. I use a big company that is cheap but doesn’t do a great job because I’m just not that picky. It’s $50/cut and $500/trip for leaf cleanup in the fall and spring cleanup (clearing out beds of leaves and dead plants like my hostas that I leave for bees to overwinter in). I got quotes from better companies when I first moved in, they were double or more. I have a lot of trees, I have the arborist come out twice a year. Cost varies depending on what they need to do, but I plan for $5k/yr. I only bother with the trees in the yard or close enough to the house to damage it, they don’t go into the wooded area.
+1. We have 4.5 acres but the front border, side yard, and back are all woods. We have lawn people who come every 2 weeks in the summer and they do spring and fall cleanup. DH likes to putter in the yard so he does the hedge trimming etc. We don’t weed the garden. Occasionally we have the tree guy come to treat the hemlocks and remove the big dead branches.
This is LONG, but bear with me:
We’re on 3 acres, of which about 2.25 is grass with about 20 trees we mow around. Mowing takes about 1.5-2 hours on a riding mower. That’s usually weekly unless it’s been really dry. If you’re on more land, you’d get a tractor, or look for heavily wooded areas.
Then, we have a little bit of regular upkeep around the trees (limb removal, weeding for poison ivy), which is maaaybe a couple hours a month at most, but really can’t be skipped. Most leaf stuff is done by mulching with the mower, so not a ton of extra work on that, but we do have to clean our gutters and pick up limbs/branches before mowing in the fall.
Then we have decently sized garden/landscaping beds closer to the house, so weeding those, plus mulch, plus whatever plants we’re growing (mostly tomatoes, peppers, and herbs at this point), so again, maybe light weeding is an hour a week total, plus another few hours a month maintenance, plus a couple of dedicated days in the spring/early summer to pick out plants and plant and mulch.
Then, we have other things that come with living on a bunch of land outside of town: well, septic, water softener, we have gophers so we have to run those tunnels over with this heavy rolling thing, we have mice and bugs in rotation constantly. Some skunks were living in our shed for awhile. Making sure the wasps nest are taken down from doorways and windows. We lost several trees to storms, which required us to cut them down and then have people cut the trunks into smaller pieces. We had to re-do our pond ($$$$) because it was bogged with leaves and gunk and not draining properly. Our neighbor’s dogs keep running across the street and coming into our yard because it’s too expensive to fence off. We have to re-seed a bunch of our lawn where our sump discharge ruined it, and deer came by and ate all our evergreen bushes one winter. We have to plow our driveway in the winter with a plow attachment, since it’s so big, and I hate bringing our garbage can out to the curb in the winter because we live so far back from the road.
We had a lot of trouble maintaining the property the first few years (between prior owner abandonment and we had a new baby and no time) and eventually it was so bad we had to just re-start the landscaping by the house completely from scratch, which was really expensive. I can’t drive stick, so husband has primary responsibility for mowing/plowing, which neither of us loves, but haven’t had time to correct yet, hopefully when our kid is old enough they can hang out by themselves while DH teaches me.
But it is very peaceful and bucolic. And we sit by our pond show our kid the frogs jumping in the water and look for deer and listen to the birds when we wake up. And we have enough space for a treehouse and a soccer field. And my MIL can come over and get lilac branches in the spring and pine branches in the winter, and we eat tomatoes off the vine and there really isn’t anything quite like it.
Thank you for this! It was extremely helpful. You’ve spoken some of my fears and dreams out loud.
I just sold a house that was on 3 acres in a rural suburb and can confirm this experience. I don’t love gardening and I hated the amount of time maintenance and landscaping took (and trust me, this was not at all fancy landscaping, just the bare minimum to avoid the house being consumed by weeds). The house was very nice, and I miss it a lot sometimes, but life is SO much less stressful now.
Please educate me. I’m from suburban New York. I’m struggling to understand 12 suburban acres. We’re almost certainly talking about an eight figure property, right? I get there are cheaper areas of the country but if 12 acres is affordable to people who’d have to consider the maintenance aren’t we outside of a suburb in a rural place? What am I missing?
For MCOL or LCOL areas, that kind of acreage could be doable for 6 figures outside of the city area. In my MCOL area, there’s a listing with 10 acres for under a million about 1 hr, 1.5 hrs outside of the edge of the city center.
We are looking at two categories of properties: 1) suburban, or 2) some land 2-12 acres. Suburban only describes the first. Category 2 could be suburban or rural. The suburban 2-4 acre lots are really more like exurbs. Whereas the rural ones we have looked at, one was a field and another one wooded.
Got it! Thanks for explaining!
And…had I read your post more carefully I would have figured it out the first time. Yikes. Thanks for being gracious and patient, op.
Yeah if you can afford the land, can you not afford the groundskeeper?
We have 15 acres. So much of your question depends on the land in question. Shape of the property matters – is it 10 acres in a long skinny rectangle that requires you to walk the full length, or is it a square or circle with everything centrally located? Is it wooded, cleared, or both? Woods and unmanicured areas are obviously less work to maintain. How does water flow across the land? A lot of available land in suburbs at this point is not built on for a reason. Is it open because it is in flood plain? We looked at one property that had a gas pipeline under it, so watch for that too. Will you have fencing? What kind? Wood fencing requires a lot of maintenance. And on and on.
Even a 10,000 square foot lot was too much maintenance for my husband and me (two big jobs). Everyone says “you can just hire someone!” but our experience was that it was very hard to find a someone who wasn’t flaky or already completely booked up.
Decide how much you want to serve your home vs how much you want your home to serve you, and pick a home accordingly.
I have pretty messy yard standards because I lean hippy/granola, and my max would be 2-4 acres, unless most of it completely wild and requires little to no upkeep. Responsible land management is a lot of work, and hiring out when you’re talking acres is very expensive.
We previously had 109 acres. I’m chuckling at most of these responses because clearly this is a board full of urban or urban-adjacent women.
Any house on a lot of any size that is not managed by an association will have lawn care obligations. You will have to mow the lawn, you will have to take care of flower beds, you will have to take care of your gutters. These are true whether you’re on 1/8th of an acre or 100 acres. In my mind, they’re part of the “price of admission,” to borrow from Senior Attorney, of owning a home. If these basics are too much for you, stick with a condo.
Assuming those aren’t too much for you, one thing you as the homeowner always get to decide is how many and how elaborate you want flower beds and focal points to be on your property. Do you just want a couple evergreen shrubs at the base of your house, and a pot of flowers by the front door? Great, congrats, you’ve signed on to the Minimal Work Plan. Do you want a water feature in the yard, a swooping path lined by annuals leading to the mailbox, beds full of flowers that bloom continuously from spring til frost around the house, around trees, and throughout the lawn? You’ve signed up for the My Yard is My Life Plan.
As I said, we had 109 acres. You can think of our property in concentric circles: the farthest from the house was in a natural, wooded state; the 10 acres near the house were allowed to grow knee-high for a prairie (mown once or twice a year); the 3 acres closest the house were mown every 10-14 days like a yard. Flowers only went immediately near the house. Your property may have natural features that dictate how and where you mark your “circles.”
When you buy acreage, you aren’t expected to keep it up like you would a lawn in a typical suburban neighborhood. So next time you’re looking at property, think about where it makes sense for there to be a field and where your yard should start.
You will need to buy special equipment to do your lawn. My husband bought a tractor (an actual tractor with wheels about the size of me) and numerous attachments, including one that could “bushhog” (rough cut) our prairie areas. For the acreage closer into the house, I bought an electric riding mower. It is possible in the country to hire someone to bushhog for you. When you’re looking at the land, think about how smooth or rugged it is – can you just put a riding mower over it or does it have rocks and tree roots sticking out that are going to wreck your blade? That’ll affect how long it takes you to mow and how much you might have to pay someone to do it for you.
Anyways, happy to help more.
Highly recommend a small maintained lawn around the house and along the drive with the rest wooded. If you are in an area where horses or cattle are raised, you might could have a field that is “maintained” with an agreement for a local farmer to be able to use it for hay which would get it mown a few times per summer. Beware if said farmer wants to enrich the hay producing soil with chicken poo and the field is anywhere near your house. Fresh chicken manure may be one of the foulest odors ever. Ask me how I know.
Finance question: I’m planning to retire in 8 years and the bulk of my money is in my 401K or a stock account. Given the way the market is behaving and my overall concerns about financial impacts under this administration, I’m considering selling all of my non-401K stocks and just sitting on cash until the uncertainty is over. My Fidelity financial advisor thinks this is crazy because “of course the market has ups and downs and it will get better”, but he has a financial incentive to keep me invested and I can’t really afford to lose a large chunk of my assets right now in these unprecedented times. Apart from taxes on any gains in my portfolio (which should be gone in a couple of weeks based on how the economy is tanking) is there anything else I should be thinking through before I sell my portfolio off?
Yeah that this is the type of stupid decision he’s literally obligated to advise you not to make. Knock yourself out if you want, but you’re wrong.
Yep, this.
Don’t catch a falling knife by selling now. Ride it out. I agree with your financial advisor.
You can sell some or all of the stock heavy fund investments in your 401 K and move them to a different fund to diversify without incurring any taxes. Not sure how diversified that would leave you, but options would be getting more international stock exposure if you want to bet more on Europe, or moving more into corporate bonds, etc. Do some reading on your options to figure out your target mix given your time to retirement.
Make yourself read the stories of people who cashed out their 401ks in 2008 and lost everything. You’re reacting similarly. If you know your horizon is 8 years, look at how much you’ll need in the first 2-3 years of retirement. You should have enough to cover it in more stable investments within your 401k, like bonds. Take deep breaths. Do not panic.
Right. If things get really really bad, your money probably won’t mean the same thing anyway.
this makes sense to me. Shore up a portion, but in bonds not cash.
Came here to say exactly this. People think cash is “safe” but, because of inflation, it’s not.
Exactly.
There are various threads on exactly this– and you can even read in “real time” threads from 2008 as people were doing this– over on Bogleheads. They have solid advice, from people who have no financial incentive to help strangers, and yet they do (the actual .org site, not the Reddit version).
At the very least, “cash” should be high-quality, short-term bonds or a high-yielding money market fund.
This is crazy. For reference, a month ago I sold 15k out of 100k in stocks to help me sleep at night because I’m planning to buy my first house in the next year. Selling 100% of your stock is always a horrible idea and in your case there’s no reason to panic.
From someone with no financial stake: this is a really stupid thing to do.
Has anyone bought TIPS? I have i-bonds, but was thinking of adding in some TIPS. And I welcome any and all TIPS (ha!) on that.
Highly recommend you do a search at the Bogleheads website, great advice to be found there.
Would you move in this situation? I live in a VHCOL city with my husband and toddler. We have been in fertility treatment for 2 years for #2 and it seems unlikely to happen. We own our condo and have space for a second child.
I was in my early/mid 30s during the pandemic, which accelerated the move of many of my friends out of our city – either to the suburbs or to other cities/states. I used to be very social, seeing multiple friends every weekend for various activities. Around the time I had a baby, one of my remaining friends moved, another got into a serious relationship, and the third friend was promoted at work and got really into a hobby. I now see these closer friends as a group once every 6 weeks.
My parents live in the suburbs and my mom watches my son full time while we work. If we moved to the suburbs, my husband’s commute would be similar; I would try to negotiate fewer days in office which I think is possible.
We have not really made friends in our neighborhood. I have made efforts (inviting people over for play dates, joining neighborhood groups) but it’s not really developing deeper friendships. I’m honestly very lonely.
On the weekends we typically either go visit my parents/family, visit friends in the suburbs, or hang out in our city on our own. We do take advantage of living in the city, but we are doing it as a family unit vs. with friends.
We have been debating whether we should move out of the city to be closer to my parents. My husband brought it up, his family is scattered around the country and so we are likely to stay in this area. My friends who live in the suburbs don’t live close to my parents (1 hour+ drive for most).
I can’t tell if I’m going to be more or less lonely in the suburbs – what would you do?
Depends — what city?
NYC
I think it’s great that you see people every six weeks. As kids get older, I see my friends a few times a year. I see “activity friends” a lot more, but they are kid or civic activity people I click with vs people who are just friends of mine from before kids. It is really frustrating but a fact of life. So in the suburbs, you may have a similar life. I live in an urban/suburban part of my city (like Arlington or Bethesda or Hoboken) but wish for my kids to have friends we don’t have to drive them to see, which in retrospect would have been ideal. We moved here and there were kids but they all moved further out to be with . . . more people with families.
Do you like your parents? Living near them means daily pop ins or visits become an option (even as simple as having a shopping buddy when you want one). If you like your parents, this would be gold to me. We grew up around the block from my grandparents and my sister lives near my parents now, and it really is built-in socialization when things start to feel lonely.
We left NYC for the suburbs. I will say it does still take a lot of effort to make friends… but the trade offs of more space in the house and outside, and more convenience with a lot of things (driving to the supermarket instead of carrying bags while walking, for example) are hands down worth it for me.
I also am in NYC. And I love my parents. My husband also enjoys them. Much of my extended family is there too (e.g., aunts, uncles, younger cousins). My parents are very social themselves, which I think would probably help if we moved to the suburbs.
Go. You won’t regret it given what you’ve said here.
+1
I agree. This sounds like the perfect time for you to move.
You can still try to come to the city every 6 weeks to see your friends.
Life will be easier. You can make an effort and become friends with neighbors etc.. and all of your family contacts. It sounds wonderful for your kids as well.
Good luck!
You’re in a lonely time of life phase based on the way people act when they have kids. You might be better off in the burbs because there’s more school activities there that parents do and you could get lucky and hit upon a group of people you like. In general though, you’re probably looking at making new friends because an hour to see old ones means it happens less frequently.
Thanks for this. That’s why I’m struggling with this – it’s hard to tell if it will be better. Some of my friends in the suburbs have developed really close relationships with neighbors/people they’ve met, while others seem to be in the same situation as me.
Do your homework beforehand. I moved to a suburb with a lot of young families, many of whom were raised out of state, etc., and my social life definitely improved.
Similar friends (same aged kids, also lawyers) moved to a different suburb where most of the families were “moving closer to home/where they grew up” and they had a much harder time cracking the social code. They got there when their kids were in school, eventually, though.
I 100% support the move.
I would go out and explore some options, visit some areas, stay in an Airbnb or visit friends and family and see the vibe where they’re at and how you feel about it. Don’t count on the suburbs making you less lonely just by virtue of activity though. We lived in a large affluent suburb and there were a ton of kids activities but frankly shuttling kids and keeping up with the Jones was its own version of lonely. Try out some areas though and see which ones help you feel connected.
Moving as a fix to loneliness seems shaky, to me. Unless you have really concrete reasons to think that being in a new location will give you increased access to people you already know, or give you access to people who are open to new friendships.
If you already see your mom every day, and visit your parents on weekends . . . how much more of an antidote to loneliness will moving nearer to them give you? It might work, or it might not.
Does WFH increase loneliness, for you, or does it not make a difference?
It takes an hour to get to my parents and and hour and a half to get back due to traffic. So we don’t go there every weekend, and it’s kind of a burden. Moving closer would definitely increase the frequency with which we see them. My parents are also very social and have a lot of friends/activities which would give me a starting point for meeting people.
I am less lonely when I work in office, but haven’t solved the “lack of deep connection” issue. I am on a hybrid schedule as of January and have been using my in office days to try to increase socialization (grabbing coffee and lunch with former coworkers, my 2 remaining close friends, etc.).
It sounds like you’d like to move? (You keep building a case for it, not against it, in response to the questions people are asking.)
If so, try this thought experiment: it’s 3 years from now, your son is starting school, you and your husband are living in the suburbs. You’re largely WFH, and your social life and loneliness level are very similar to what they are now. Are you still happy to be living there, and glad you’re there and not in the city anymore? If yes, move.
I actually don’t want to move, despite my responses. I like the convenience of living in the city. I hate driving and can walk 1 block to an indoor pool, a public library and a playground, and can walk 10 minutes to multiple playgrounds/ a beautiful park. I can bike 10 minutes to beautiful public pools and a ton of great kids activities/restaurants/etc.
I enjoy working on a hybrid schedule (it’s helping me be a bit more social) and have a reasonable commute right now.
I also feel like there are just so many people here in the city, and more opportunity to meet people. My toddler is also most likely going to be an only child, which is extremely common in my neighborhood and I think will be less isolating for him vs. living in the suburbs where there seem to be many more multiple kid families.
I’m just…lonely? My husband works long hours outside the house, and until January I was fully remote. And I’ve lived in my neighborhood for 3 years and am struggling to build deeper connections. It’s very transient in the city – a lot of people move when they have their second kid, etc. so even when I meet people I like they often end up departing for a variety of reasons.
I’m trying to figure out if I could set my life up in a way where I was less lonely.
So I live in NYC, and I found that city life was pretty conducive to making friends with other people with kids, who I would run into at the playground, farmer’s market, daycare dropoff, swim lessons, etc. It’s true these are often more casual friendships, but some deepen over time. If your child is a young toddler, you may just not be quite there yet? It’s definitely a time of life when you often have to make new friends. If you are planning on public school, just about everyone your child goes to school with will likely live within 0.25 miles of your house, which is convenient for play dates.
This. And if you choose private school, you will know that those parents are pretty similar to you in terms of socio-economics and values, so there may be more of a basis for friendships.
Of course if you choose a school in the suburbs, then you’ll make friends there! You got this
There is a linked in account that is impersonating me. I’ve reported it but is there anything else I can do? Reporting it didn’t seem to have any impact
Maybe put a PSA on your own Linkedin about it. And keep trying with Linkedin to get the other one taken down. Linkedin scams are very prevalent since the pandemic. Sorry that this has happened to you.
I hope this is a fun question. What would you do if you had just a little more time on your hands?
Here’s the not fun part — my hours got cut at work. For reasons, I think I’m going to stick it out. Now I have an extra free day, so far it’s spent doomscrolling, exercising, cooking and cleaning. In theory I’d love to be more productive (at least do some reading) but I’m not sure why I’m not more capable. Getting chores done at least allows me more family time on the weekends. I’m trying to look on the bright side and not waste this time!
Reading fiction, walking my dog, and exploring my town/being a tourist in my own area. The last real break I got was when I was furloughed during covid.
In theory, art projects. In practice, hang out with my dog. IME it’s much harder (for most people) to use extra time productively on the stuff you imagine doing when you’re otherwise swamped – inertia is powerful and until you’ve developed a routine or built up some momentum, it’s easy to stick with what you’re used to doing.
Doing chores to free up family time seems like a great use of that time to me!
I read more in the warmer months, which I know probably seems odd. Especially with my fertility treatments, I’ve been really intentional about getting more sunshine. I try to spend about an hour a day outside and I find that reading is a really good way of holding me to that time.
All those small house projects that aren’t urgent and take like half an hour but there’s always something more pressing (or enjoyable lol) so they languish. For us that’s replacing the weatherstripping on one of our doors, touching up paint scuffs, taking inventory of the medicine cabinet and organizing it, etc.
Little projects like this are great. Also cooking more elaborate meals, if that’s something you’re into. Is there a community yoga class or some other activity you can go to?
If you have a weekday free then go places that are crowded on weekends. On random days off I love grocery shopping in an empty store, going to a nature preserve or museum, sitting in a quiet coffee shop, etc.
As it’s finally spring in my part of the world, spending time outside. For me, that means walking and going to coffee shops with outdoor seating to read or meet a friend. Nothing give me more energy than spending time outside when the weather is good. I don’t like to get a lot of sun, so I wear a hat and SPF clothing. But it’s still invigorating to me.
When I’m having trouble getting excited to start a new book even though I love to read, I find the easiest book possible. I don’t need to read Homer; I can read a romance novel. Once I’m back in the groove, I’ll find at least slightly more interesting books – sometimes.
I wish I had an interesting hobby to pursue. But I just don’t.
I would learn to paint or spend more time exploring my local area. If you’re having trouble with the inertia, you need to have some sort of accountability – joining an existing group or forming your own would be the most likely to work, I think. Just put up a poster at the library for “painting at the park, X date and time, bring your own paints” means that you need to show up in case anyone else does, and after a few weeks you’ll either have a habit or have a group.
How old are your kids? I have one day a week off and I signed my pre-schooler up for morning swim lessons on that day so I don’t have to try to take her after school or on weekends.
I’ve also taken a class myself at the community college.
I try to have a structure to my day- out of the house until lunch time – errands or a class or volunteer shift, or meeting a friend for lunch, that kind of thing- and then have the afternoon to kind of wind down and read and chill and maybe tackle a house project. I find I need a lot of structure in my day or the time just disappears, so every morning I block schedule the day.
Did you all know that surgeries performed on women’s body parts are reimbursed at lower rates than the equivalent surgeries on men’s body parts (on average 30% higher)? Women’s bodies are financially worth less. This ultimately results in women waiting longer for surgeries and having poorer surgical outcomes. I thought these papers were interesting: https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4800783 , https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/jwh.2024.0984 . I’m not sure what my point is but it’s disheartening that this is happening in the year 2025.
They say this is also why gynecologists are so poorly paid (especially qua surgeons) as well as rheumatologists.
GYN is paid well. Not sure why you think that.
Ob-gyn are paid well
All GYN are OB-GYN.
No, not all gyn are ob-gyn.
Gyn surgeons are one of the lowest paid specialties , surprisingly. That’s why people have to wait 6+ months for endometriosis surgeries among other things. Hospitals simply don’t want them operating more because it’s not as profitable. Gotta give that OR space to other specialties.
This is simply not true.
Of course they don’t make as much as surgeons that do BIG surgeries – like cardiac, neuro etc…
No, it’s not just cardiac and neuro who make more. Ortho make more.
There’s a book, I’m blanking on the name, that explores gender differences in studies like this. She talks about crash test dummies being male-only or male-proportioned. It’s really horrifying.
I think it’s “Invisible Women”
Inferior by Angela Saini also covers this, and how later-debunked science is still underlying a lot of stereotypes and unequal treatment.
I remember learning that c-sections and hysterectomies were the 2 most common surgeries and the gist was “male surgeons live to cut women up” so I’m not sure if that is no longer true or how that is compatible with your facts.
This is specifically Gyn specialty surgery, though they make the point that the OB doing your hysterectomy may only do a few per year, which results in worse surgical outcomes. One of the authors of the second paper (jjfitzgeraldmd) had some highlights about it on her social media accounts with screenshots from the paper where they compare the surgeries and their RVUs (relative value units).
Help me shop, please!
I’m 5’9″ and 180. I have a long body and short legs, with a bit of a pear shape. A 30″ inseam works best for me, with a “high rise” because my hips and waist are not proportional. I need to up my game after turning into a Covid slob, and I’m looking for a couple of pairs of slacks for going to clients and board meetings. I prefer natural fabrics (linen and/or wool, blends okay).
Strangely, H&M jeans (size 14, high-rise) have generally worked for me, but they don’t always put measurements on the website. I hope to spend less than $100 a pair…
Y’all are so good at this. Thank you!
We are extremely similar. The Fold is my kryptonite but beyond that budget. I do not look good in the majority of trousers but have had very good luck with Talbot’s at the price point. I have to wear the model with high waist.
Talbots and Express have worked for me.
I think my marriage might be headed towards divorce and I’m very sad about it. Before I started dating my husband, I was working with a therapist on feeling like I wasn’t somebody who deserved to be loved and of course those feelings are flooding back.
head back to therapy and work on reframing the divorce as you deserve to be loved better than you were in that relationship.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Are you working with a therapist now?
Tell us more when you’re ready to talk about it. But I just want to say, you have value even if someone else doesn’t recognize it and also without taking on a support role for someone else.
What is your favorite meat-free recipe to make for dinner? Looking for inspiration during Lent. My family LOVES Quesadillas in the Oven from “A Couple Cooks”.
I’m going to check that out! Two of ours are: Love and Lemon’s Tomato Basil soup (serve with grilled cheese) and 40 Aprons Chickpea Soup (it’s the tomato based one not the creamy one, for whatever reason it’s not on the website but is still on her TikTok).
Classic Minestrone Soup from Cookie + Kate website. A lot of steps, but easy and always delicious.
Though honestly, we make our own pizza year round for Friday dinner so we make it cheese for this time of year.
Eggplant parm
Hummus & pita & Indian lentil and chickpea dips (we buy the TJs packets to make it easy…) with veggies
Midnight Pasta
Bean-based soups
Tuna steaks with wasabi mashed potatoes
Fish are still animals. 😂
huh? Fish fries on Fridays in Catholic communities are a thing for a reason…
Found the non-Catholic.
Ooo burn, I believe in science.
1:33, the OP clearly asked for non-meat options in the context of Lent, so maybe slow your roll.
I didn’t think that was clear at all—Lent is not on everyone’s mind. Yes, non-Catholic here, and if someone asks for a non-meat recipe, I wouldn’t suggest fish. Your attitude is a bit…parochial.
The OP literally says Lent. Y’all are on one today.
OP here- I’ve never heard of Midnight Pasta before, I looked it up– looks like my family would love it!
Veggie lasagna, stir fry with eggs or tofu, make your own pizza, baked mac and cheese with vegetables on the side, sandwiches or burgers with portobello mushrooms, pita pockets with falafel or hummus, veggie risotto with lots of pine nuts and parmesan, grilled cheese and tomato soup
Grilled cheese with tomato soup
Cheese tortellini with pesto
Macaroni and cheese!
Burritos with beans and rice inside (and cheese – there is theme emerging)
Falafel pitas; frittata; veggie chili; lentil soup; what we call “BASS” (for big-ass salads); baked potato bar
Make your own soft tacos with wheat or corn tortillas, refried beans (vegetarian or vegan from a can – Amy’s or Siete brand), lettuce, tomato, jalapeño, sour cream, cheese, cilantro, lime, and salsa.
Trader Joe’s has a good vegetarian chorizo sausage with a hamburger like consistency—great foe tacos or Mexican dishes.
OP here- thanks to everyone for your suggestions!
Some things in our regular rotation:
Sheet pan gnocchi
Vegan Gnocchi soup from The Midwest Foodie
Pizza salad with marinated beans from Jenny Rosenstrach. Sometimes I replace the lettuce with pasta and cucumbers for a pasta salad.
Tofu stir fry
Sheet pan veggie shawarma from the Real Food Dieticians.
Black bean tacos, will lots of fixings.
We also eat a lot of fish and shrimp during lent.
Bob’s Red Mill Jacob’s Stew.