Coffee Break: Large Zippered Tote
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I'm always a fan of a leather tote with an actual zippered closure — chalk it up to too many subway rides, I guess? I never like ones that are wide open at the top, even if they have a magnetic closure or whatnot.
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If you don't share my fondness for zippers, there is also a variant with just a snap closure — I like that here at least they intend for you to use one of the interior zippered compartments for your valuables like phone, wallet, and passport.
The bag is $379 new, but select colors are on sale for $269 at Nordstrom and Bloomingdale's.
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Anyone watching Newsom’s comments on women’s sports? He clearly has a finger on the pulse and an eye on the presidency.
Love your optimism that there will be an election in 2028.
+10000000000000000000000
No, I’m not optimistic. Newsom is.
There will be an election in 2026 and that’s step one to stopping this madness. And we need democrats who want to win elections.
We need Democrats that voters want to vote for. Governor of California is a stretch.
Oh sure I don’t think he’s the next president. But I think he’s taking the conversation in a useful direction.
By the time of a next election, I think fairness in sports is going to be about the last thing on anyone’s mind. It’s certainly the absolute dead last gender equity issue on my mind.
People hate him, but he’s a competent governor IMO.
https://boysvswomen.com/#/
This is a helpful resource for a visualization of Male High School Athletes vs Female Olympians. If boys win against the fastest women, is it fair for males to compete in female-only athletic events?
It feels really weird to be so preoccupied with women’s physical inferiority.
It feels really weird to see people dismiss such a basic and obvious concern about fairness.
I generally agree when it comes to elite sports and athletes who have gone through male puberty bjt it seems like basically the least important thing affecting us as a nation right now. Most of the athletes people cite turn out not to be trans anyway and it’s just because they’re WoC.
Really? This is the “fairness” hill you want to die on?
It’s actually the democrats who insisted on men in women’s sports who already died on that hill.
anon @ 3:59p: Your comment lacks perspective. A sex-realist, materialist position regarding same-sex sports are about ensuring that women have a fair chance to compete, not about declaring them inferior.
I don’t actually think that women are physically inferior, but I’m being told they’re non-competitive with men at sports because they’re just so much worse at sports. Maybe we need to come up with more interesting sports if we feel that the ones we have effectively just rank people by inherent physical characteristics or endocrinological advantages that skill, strategy, training, and fitness can’t overcome? Aren’t there any sports that women are actually better at? I didn’t think men could just trounce women at women’s gymnastics. It sends a weird message that we should value what men are best at accomplishing and compete to win at that.
Men are biologically stronger and faster, which clearly impacts track and field, swimming, wrestling and pretty much any ball sport. Even in traditionally “feminine” sports like figure skating, men can jump higher and faster and do more rotations in their jumps (elite men need quadruple jumps to be competitive, only a handful of women have ever landed a quad and many women have won world titles without a triple axel, the hardest triple jump) so men would objectively score way more points under the current judging system. There’s an argument that jumps should be de-emphasized and skating skills more emphasized, but the judging is already quite subjective and de-emphasizing jumps would make it even more of a popularity contest than it already is. There’s really no sport in which women can fairly compete against men.
Women and men’s bodies are inherently different. They both have strengths and weaknesses relative to each other. There is a reason why the basketball hoops are higher in men’s basketball, why the driving range distance is shorter for women’s golf, why women excel at specific gymnastics events (balance beam, floor, uneven bars) while men excel in pommel horse, parallel bars) and only have some crossover events.
Women should be able to compete against women, to excel in running, swimming, cycling, frisbee golf, track and field, tennis, weightlifting – every sport.
Women are “worse” at sports when they are performing in the men’s sports realm. But when performing against other female bodies, they excel.
Women do not have to make new, “more interesting” sports in order to accomplish amazing physical feats using their biology. What is wrong with female runners breaking their own records? Female tennis players exceling in their tournaments? Serena and Venus Williams deserve every speck of fame and admiration they receive, and would be swallowed up if there were no women’s only tournaments.
Sports is based on the physical characteristics of bodies. Escaping that would be creating something that is not sports.
“It sends a weird message that we should value what men are best at accomplishing and compete to win at that” I think you are saying more about your own values and measures of womens sports than anything else here.
At the end of the day, opening the female category removes the ability for biological females to compete at the highest levels of sport. All that would be left for girls and women would be some gymnastics events, some figure skating moves, ballet dancing on pointe, long distance running and swimming, rifle shooting. I am likely missing a few, but you get the idea.
That is all fine, and I do admire those athletes. But sports are made up, people are real, and making such a huge political issue out of a fairness complaint that arises so rarely seems so out of touch and disproportionate to the importance and seriousness of real political issues. It also feels regressive to make a big deal about women having their own special tournaments. If everyone runs the same race, there’s still going to be a #1 woman, which is the same thing that happens if the races are held separately.
For every trans player there are biological female teammates, family of those teammates, coaches, opponents that are affected. It happens more than you would think.
In life, there’s no man’s work or woman’s work. It’s just work to be done and I’ve fought my whole life to be treated the same as men, and for the same opportunities. In that vein, I gladly train and compete with anyone, male or female, cis or trans. Whatever I’m doing, I want to improve on my own prior best, and working with people who are better than i am is how I improve.
Of course it isn’t fair. When 80% of DEMOCRATS agree, you know it’s a losing issue in the party platform.
It wouldn’t matter if it’s in the party platform or not. The GOP is now a personality cult and will just lie about whatever position Democrats do or don’t take. Newsom could introduce a bill to ban all transgender women in sports forever and it wouldn’t buy him a single Republican vote.
No but it might win him back democrats.
That resource presents data in a misleading way. It is comparing biological males and biological females without controlling for hormone related transitioning, which multiple studies and authors (Roberts, et al 2021; Cheung, et al, 2024, Oberlin 2023) have cited as a major factor in athletic performance. After 1-3 years on hormone treatment, trans athletes perform at a similar rate to their cisgendered counterparts.
That misleading website does try to address this issue (really poorly). The number of trans athletes in the US is very small. And the number of trans HS students (many of whom are taking REVERSIBLE puberty blockers) are about 40 in the US. That’s less than .01% of trans youth.
This is when the MAGA folks really show their ignorance about how research works and how data needs to be properly understood.
Yea and I’m thrilled. Trans sports is losing elections and for what. We need someone speaking sense. Pick a different hobby that doesn’t involve cheating.
May all of you have perfectly gender-confirming, petite daughters whose identities are never questioned, I guess
Nobody will vote for a faux Republican when they can vote for the real thing. He is toast.
Can anyone shed some light on how colleges consider one-time incomes sources (like an inheritance) for purposes of FAFSA and financial aid? Are there professionals who specialize in providing advice in this area?
I’m not an expert on this so don’t take my word on this without additional research, but an inheritance is an asset, not income, so it’s not a one time thing. It shouldn’t be treated differently than any other money you have, though it does matter whether it’s in the name of the parent or the child and if it’s in a retirement account, your home, or just a regular savings or brokerage account.
Thank you for your constructive reply. I’m not the person affected, just trying to identify the right professional to refer them to. Are there CPAs or attorneys who specialize in this area?
Has the person making the bequest passed away? If not, an estate planning attorney can help (eg, don’t leave money to the kids – put it in a 529 in the name of the parent).
If the person has already died, talk to a financial aid advisor.
Thank you as well to Anon 5:20!
Are you high? They treat it like money you have because that is what it is. You think financial aid should have a break for wealth from grandma?!
My thoughts exactly.
This is an insane response.
Imagine two families: one earned a high salary their entire life, and the other scraped by for 20 years before earning the same annual salary that the first family now earns. They have the same income but wildly different net worths.
How would colleges treat this? (Answer: the second family is probably eligible for more aid, but not enough to offset the radically different amounts of money they have saved.)
Likewise, if you get a big pile of money the year that your kid is a high school senior, will colleges mistakenly assume that you will be getting an equally big pile of money every year? Makes perfect sense to ask if an inheritance is treated like income or an asset.
This stuff is complex. Cut the snark.
It’s not complex. It’s treated as cash available for that kid to spend on college 100%. It’s simple.
The OP did not say that this was being given to the kids and the kids alone, unencumbered by trusts, and not in a 529 in the name of a parent.
You know that condescending and wrong is a bad look, right?
Just adding on: you report inheritances as assets, not income, if three conditions are met. You also do not need to report inheritances that are 401ks, pensions, and annuities.
Incomplete transfers (eg assets in probate) are not reported.
https://tamingthehighcostofcollege.com/inheritance-and-college-financial-aid-faq/
Furthermore, there are ways to reduce the effect on financial aid:
https://www.kaveshlaw.com/blog/careless-inheritance-planning-may-bolo-financial-aid-the-law-firm-of-kavesh-minor-amp-otis-inc-.cfm
Professionals are paid good money to ensure that inheritances don’t tank financial aid eligibility.
But “LOLZ it’s the kid’s money!!” Eye roll.
This is just rude. Do better.
In my experience, the inheritance from grandma that goes to the grandkids was considered 100% money to be spent on college, by financial aid assessment. And that seems appropriate, don’t you think?
Agree
Are there any self help books that are good audiobooks? I cannot do giggly podcasts. I just listened to Decluttering at the Speed of Life and really got a lot out of it, so I’m curious what else you’ve found that’s good.
I’m not exaggerating when I say “4000 Weeks” changed my perspective. It’s amazing and great as an audiobook.
I liked this one too. It was such a helpful reminder that productivity is not an end in itself.
I recommended two books to the person who had a draining mom yesterday, those are both excellent audio books, and could be considered self help. I love and will always recommend Dana for decluttering, and these work in the same universe:
“I enjoyed the audiobook of Leena Norms’ Half-arsed quite a lot. The introduction gets a little repetitive on introducing the term, but the chapters on how to aim for imperfection and small efforts in different areas in life are great. Her youtube channel is quite representative to her style, if you want a preview.
If you want something with a focus of being nice to yourself, How to keep house while drowning by KC Davis is very much a counter-argument to utter self-sacrifice.”
How is Southwest airlines? Are their cheap prices a red flag?
I need to fly to DC for 2 days in May. I usually fly United, but honestly I don’t fly a lot and points are not a concern. Just want a good price and a decent flight. Southwest has a lot of direct flights from my major city and are a lot cheaper.
But is this “no assigned seat” a nightmare? I am not a fan of standing in line for a long time to get stuck in a window seat.
I will check my bag, as I have to bring a lot of stuff, and just carry on a shoulder bag.
I personally love southwest. If you have a particular seat preference, you can pay a bit extra to be in the A group.
A lot of people stan Southwest but open boarding sucks and it’s otherwise not special in any way.
I agree about open boarding, but otherwise I love Southwest because I don’t feel like they are trying to cheat me the way I do with other airlines.
I hate the seating policy and pay the extra to be auto-checked in (so I get a good seat) when I have to fly SW.
I’ve reluctantly flown Southwest a few times and hated the seat thing. I want to pick my seat in advance and have it waiting for me. I don’t like racing to secure the best spot in line and still not knowing whether the seat I want will be available.
I live in San Diego, which means I fly Southwest a lot. The prices are not a red flag (and include a free checked bag). It is not an equivalent of Spirit! (Which I refuse to fly for even short flights because their seats are so uncomfortable they make my back hurt).
If you are picky about your seat selection you can either check in exactly 24 hours before your flight or upgrade to A1-15, the cost of which varies depending on the flight.
I am low key dreading their upcoming changes in seat assignments and airplane design. Southwest has been my go-to for short-haul flights for decades but we shall have to see.
Southwest is an amazing airline. The only difference between it and United and American and Delta is that it was founded in the 1960s instead of the 1930s. Those three legacy airlines were small, regional airlines at the dawn of aviation; Southwest was a small, regional airline when the legacies were flying around the globe. It’s younger; just as safe.
I don’t mind the seating situation; others hate it. The key is just checking in early to get a good boarding number so you get on the aircraft early to choose your ideal seat.
+1. Southwest isn’t like Frontier or Spirit, if that’s what you’re concerned about. Check in exactly 24 hrs ahead of time or pay for the premium boarding position.
I fly Southwest to some destinations because flights are less expensive and more plentiful. I hate the open boarding thing but otherwise it’s fine. Their customer service seems to be somewhat better than other airlines’. The big airlines’ cleanliness and comfort have declined to the point where there’s no material difference on that dimension.
Thanks everyone. Maybe I’ll give it a try once. I see I can pay an extra $20 each way for some sort of seating preference, so I will definitely pay that. I’ll also try checking in right at 24hrs before, in case that can give me some options.
The price difference (with the free checked bag) compared with United is over $250, so I think I should try it.
The point of paying for the seating preference is to avoid the mad check-in rush, so it’s either-or. FWIW, the last time I flew SW without paying for preference, I checked in within 15 seconds of 24 hours and was in the middle of the B group, hence my dislike.
But the planes are fine, seats comfortable, it’s not a “budget” carrier.
You can pay for the A group and auto check in, highly recommend that. I thought I read they were ending open seating. I take it for short inside CA flights on occasion and it’s good for that duration, I wouldn’t take it for anything longer than a few hours.
I won’t fly Southwest, I hate the unassigned seat deal.
We’re ORD-based so we’re United people and fly that 90% of the time for points & perks, but if United is super expensive or has a terrible route I have no problem flying AA or Delta. But I won’t do Southwest or the budget airlines.
I would rather be able to select a seat in advance, but the seating process at SW is not a free-for-all. You get a boarding position based on when you check in or based on your ticket category – as you noted, you can pay more for earlier access. At the airport, passengers line up in accordance with their numbered position – say, B17 – in well-marked lanes and then board and find a seat.
If you pay for the A1-15 positions, it’s very easy to get a seat that you like. And otherwise SW service is very good. I appreciate not having to pay for checked bags. SO and I fly to FL from Ohio usually once a year, and since we usually check two suitcases and a golf bag, the savings with SW are real over other airlines.
I fly Southwest pretty regularly, and the open seating doesn’t bother me. It’s actually kind of nice to choose who you sit next to vs. assigned seating, particularly if you’re in the later groups. I try to sit next to another woman if I can, and if I see someone who already has headphones in and a book open, that bodes well for them being a non-intrusive seatmate.
As someone else noted, you can upgrade your boarding position so that you have more choice on your seat. The free checked bag, overall price, and in some cases, number of direct flights, makes it a good choice, IMO.
It’s grown on me over the years. That said, apparently they were recently bought by private equity, so prepare for everything you like about it to be ruined and everything that annoys you to be amplified.
It’s not a nightmare. Seating is by groups; you get a letter and number designation and those people board together and pick seats. Get Business Select if you’re worried about unassigned seating; you’ll be in the first dozen or so people allowed on the plane.
I actually like the no assigned seat policy a lot. Unless I’m in the last boarding group, I generally get a seat I like well enough and the flights aren’t terribly long. That said, I don’t mind window seats. The “no assigned seat” policy was particularly great when my kids were little – we’d just head towards the back of the plane and sit in a 3-person row with one adult on the aisle across the way.
Their customer service is nice, too. It’s easy to get a human on the phone and the flight attendants are friendly and polite (I’ve always gotten the worst service on American Airlines, second worst United). My parents live near a SW hub and it’s lovely.
I flew SWA twice recently, after usually being a United/American flyer.
Honestly, it’s not that different. You have to check in and get an assigned letter/number for check in, but it actually feels MORE civilized to me because it isn’t 40 people with “Group 1” – it’s A1, A2, etc. And as noted, you can pay a little more to ensure you’re at the front.
You do grab your own seat, so there is a little flexibility there, but if you’re not super picky or don’t have strong feelings about it, IME all of A and B can pick a seat they like, and maybe other groups depending on how big the plane is.
It is more like traditional airlines than the Frontier/Etc. class of budget airlines
Southwest and all those budget airlines are good until something goes wrong. Then you are on your own.
My ex flew southwest and got stranded for several days when there was a storm. All the other airlines’ passengers were addressed quickly and he was not. He’ll never fly them again.
I promise you you won’t get stuck in a window seat. You’ll get stuck in a middle seat.
Southwest has the best customer service – you can actually talk to a human being without a long wait/hold time. I recently had two different occasions to call SW and both times, the customer service rep picked up after a couple minutes; each was very helpful and spoke English. I don’t always travel Southwest because its fares are rarely the cheapest where I travel, but the customer service alone is worth it so I might start paying more to travel SW.
I’ve loved reading this community’s advice over the years, and I could use your insight into how to approach this with my husband.
Background: I am 30; my husband and I have been married for three years, together for 10. He comes from a wealthy family and his parents still pay some of his monthly bills (phone, car insurance). He also has a large savings account and stock portfolio, as well as $1 million inheritance. I just finished a self-paid MBA while working full time and do not currently have any debt/student loans. His parents helped us buy a house a few years ago and we do not have a mortgage (I still contributed a significant amount to the down payment). We have separate accounts and have historically split everything 50/50. Also important to note is that our annual salary is the same ($90K)
The Situation: I have a 15 year old car that desperately needs to be replaced. My husband has been talking about buying himself a second “fun car” for a few years now (his parents bought his current car outright). I have about $20K in savings, and was planning on putting this towards a new car. However, this is all my savings and I kinda think my husband should help cover the gap for a new car. I feel like I’m going to be resentful if I take out a loan or buy something less desirable while he gets to buy his sports car in cash. How can I talk to him about this? It often feels like even though we’re married we have two completely separate financial lives…
Wow – this all feels so wrong.
If you have no mortgage, that tells me your parents gave you a lot for the house. That was part of your inheritance, that you shared with him. Seems like he should be sharing an equivalent part of his inheritance with you.
Is your income going to start going up now that you have your MBA?
His parents bought the house, not hers.
Ah, sorry. My mistake.
Shoot OP. I guess this is just marriage these days with the rich (your husband). Ouch. I would also feel bummed, in your situation.
But you have benefitted from an gift from your inlaws, with no house payments. Now that you have done super amazing with your MBA and debt payments, start saving for yourself. I’d fix the car, and not spend all of my savings on a new one.
Step one is to get your husband to start paying his own bills.
Which solves this problem how?
Insurance and cell phone are probably less than $200/month. Unless his parents are putting conditions on their help, bringing it up just seems petty, particularly when it sounds like the parents made a huge gift to OP when they bought the house. Is she also going to return that money?
It kinda sounds like his parents are wealthy enough that the phone & insurance are basically trivial to them, like a matter of convenience rather than $.
You do have two completely separate financial lives. He’s your roommate, mathematically. Your financial lives sound so separate that I feel like I have to say that there’s no reason for him to chip in on your car. (And believe me, I hate giving you that answer because my husband and I also have separate finances and my husband does unfair things sometimes and I want someone to side with me.)
That’s fair. I appreciate the perspective
He could chip in as a gift, because he loves his wife and he wants her life to be better. I would do that. I think any loving spouse would.
Did the two of you ever come to an understanding of what expenses were his/yours/ours? Your school was yours, house repairs and vacations and what-not are both of you? Is there a reason cars are his/yours and not “ours”?
It sounds like maybe this is the first major purchase that you guys have been faced with in your marriage, and maybe the first time this level of financial cooperation has been needed? Have you ever talked about how you’re going to handle these major expenses — will they be 50/50, like all your other expenses? If it was a new roof, for instance, would you guys pay 50/50 even if it drained the bank account for one of you and left the other with a sizeable amount? Or are you both going to start contributing yearly to a “big purchases” fund that accumulates?
It also sounds like maybe you feel alone in all this money stuff — like he’s partnered with his parents financially, and you’re tagging along on your own.
I definitely feel alone in all this money stuff. My parents weren’t great about talking about money or budget with me, and divorced when I was young, so I don’t have a baseline for how this is supposed to work in a marriage.
Historically we have split all purchases 50/50. There has not been a super large big purchase until this. Honestly, we haven’t really talked about what we would do if a big purchase split 50/50 drained the bank account for me. If I express I can’t afford something (say a vacation to one of his 3 family homes), he is quick to cover it so I think this lack of communication is definitely on me for not bringing it up!
(just so you hear it from someone, it is SUPER NORMAL to not know how to handle this, both in that this is a complicated situation – big disparities are complicated, family wealth is complicated, and it sounds like open honest money conversations weren’t modeled for you. Marriage is hard and this part has a lot of extra hard bits – if there’s any nagging voice in your head saying “oh, a *real adult* would know exactly what to do and say” please tell that voice, on my behalf, to shush up.)
Thank you for saying this. Not everyone grows up with financial guidance and instruction, and when it’s learned as you go, then there are situations that are complicated. This board isn’t good about being kind about that disparity — thank you for this kindness.
FWIW, there’s no one way it’s “supposed” to work for every couple.
Well, you ARE living completely separate financial lives.
What did the two of you agree on when you got married?
Why are you even married if you’re just going to act like roommates? If you have kids, is he going to make you pay for all the costs of each pregnancy and their care and have no money to spend on yourself while he spends freely on whatever he wants for himself? What happens if one of you becomes disabled or loses their job? Have you had those conversations? I don’t think every couple needs to fully combine finances and have every account shared, but if there’s not a general sense that you’re a team with joint financial goals and interests, then I truly don’t understand why you even bothered getting married. Taking out a car loan when one of you has so much money to burn he’s thinking of buying an extra car makes no sense for people thinking as a team, so I’d start out the discussion that way.
These are all really fair questions, and I’m embarrassed to say it’s just not something we’ve talked about. I think he thinks the status quo has been fine since I haven’t said anything, and I just kept thinking we’ll talk about it “later” because I have some trauma around talking about money/it leading to control over me. I do acknowledge this is my own problem and not one my husband has ever indicated he would do though.
You should always have your own account and your own savings, absolutely. But you’re married, it doesn’t make sense to live 2 different lives to this extent. It would be a poor financial decision for you to have a car loan when it’s not needed.
I think you just need to have this conversation. From what you said about him paying for vacations he’s not averse to sharing money, it’s just never been discussed. The setup you describe is fine for a dating couple, but now your life is and should be intertwined.
Oh- we’re not planning on having children.
Well said. And in this case you’re not splurging on a “fun” purchase. You’re making sure you have a safe, reliable form of trs-portation. If you can’t reasonably afford a car on your own does your husband expect you to ride a bicycle while he has two cars to himself?
I preface that this is an unhelpful answer. But I am constantly shocked by how many women on this site seem to have signed up for financial relationships with their partner that seem objectively awful. You are married and his life is basically subsidized by his parents — and yet you are expected to pay all of your “own” expenses individually? He gets a second “fun” car and you get to drive a beater?
I say this as someone who is an equity partner at a law firm. My husband is not. I make 15X what he does. I cannot imagine ever taking the position that my money is mine, my husband’s is his, and he is responsible for his own purchases (even things that truly are “his,” like clothes.) Honestly, I would be mortified to think of taking that position. Maybe an inheritance is a slightly different ball of wax, but it still seems like a deeply unkind view to take towards your spouse.
Yeah, inherited/non-marital assets are a different ball of wax from very unequal incomes. Not just legally but emotionally, it feels very different to say, “Use your money for us” versus “use your family’s money for us”.
The thing is that the family money seems to be covering his basic expenses (house, original car, phone, insurance), which frees up his income for frivolous purchases. That doesn’t seem fair to OP, who has to use her income for basic needs.
I’ve always made between 5x to 10x what my husband does. The only “his” purchases are take out when he refuses to eat left overs … and Legos. The rest is ours.
Same girl same. My husband and I earn closer to the same but I out earn him and have family money. But he’s the most important person in the world to me and I just do not understand separate financial lives at all. We are completely combined including inheritances. We are a team. Yes, I realize it could go sideways but 20+ years in that’s unlikely. I don’t think we’d have made it this far acting like roommates.
My husband and I have always managed our finances through joint accounts. I don’t think you have to pick that solution (though statistically, couples fare better with combined finances). But the main thing you absolutely must do is work as a team toward shared financial goals. Right now, it’s clear that isn’t happening. Having a serious conversation about the car purchase is your opportunity to reset, and you need to take it.
Also, family money is great but also hard. When we were first married we lived in an apartment DH’s parents bought for him as a gift (basically instead of giving him an inheritance–they wanted him to get the money in a more tax-advantaged way). Obviously I appreciated the gift, but it was also very complicated because they saw it as partly their apartment, and would visit without advance notice all the time. Once, my mom was staying with us, and they just showed up! They were so mad, and it was incredibly awkward. Eventually we sold the apartment and we’ve politely avoided any further help from them.
Yeah, I know and that’s why I came here!
Agreed- family money is so hard. His parents are actually great and have never acted like they’re owed anything for gifts like the house. His mom goes out of her way to treat me like I’m her own with no strings attached. My trauma shows up because my mom was the opposite! All I heard growing up was that I should be grateful because she she paid for my food and clothes… and let’s not forget threatening to take away my things if I didn’t act exactly like she wanted me to!
I see we have the same parents. Mine once lent me the money for a downpayment on a car, verbally forgave the repayments after 12 months of a 24 month repayment plan and then tried to hold it over my head the next time we got into a disagreement. I handed them a check, told them never to mention it again and never again took a cent from them. My brother on the other hand happily accepts the money AND the control which drives his wife crazy but not enough to put a stop to it apparently.
That being said – therapy for you and an honest discussion with your partner about your financial goals. I don’t want you to stil be working at 70 when he retires at 55 because it’s ‘his’ money, you know?
I’ll start with the caveat that I don’t understand separate finances in a marriage. I’ve been married for 16 years and we’re fully combined, no his money/my money, his savings/my savings, none of that – we’re building our future together and using our joint finances to do that, Even when we discuss retirement, even though we have different amounts in our retirement savings (he got a head start since his salary was larger and dumped all raises into maxing 401k earlier), we discuss those as a joint asset. I’m not saying it doesn’t work well for some, I’m just saying that’s not our picture. So if you’re committed to the separate finances road and it makes your relationship stronger overall, probably just disregard everything I say.
But to me, it doesn’t sound like separate finances is making your relationship stronger, from the little shared here (which I know is only a snapshot of your marriage), it’s sounds like it’s unequal and causing resentment. I would start the conversation with your last sentence. He should know how you feel. You’ve only been married a few years, so it is okay that you’re still figuring out how to do things together as a team – so assume good intentions and that he doesn’t realize how the inequity is making you feel.
Practically, you sounds like you’re in a pretty good financial situation – can you afford to buy both the sports car and new car for you if you do it together? If that is feasible, that would be what I would position the conversation around – hey I know you want to get a sports car, we also need to replace my car pretty soon here – can we talk about how we could do both of those things together?
Thank you for this- I really appreciate everything you said here. I’m definitely not assuming bad intentions. I know he assumes the status quo was fine because I haven’t brought it up. And life has been so busy the past few years I just kept telling myself I would bring it up later and now here we are.
Thanks for the idea to start with the last sentence in my original post. That makes a lot of sense!
You’ve got this! From the other comments you’ve followed up and shared, I think there’s a good chance the conversation is going to go well.
Also, I don’t think you need to feel weird or bad that you’re still figuring how to do life together – I hope you’re not. Three years is not really that long of time, and DH and I definitely figured out how to have big discussions and make decisions together better as we went along many years into our marriage. Frankly everyone and circumstances changes as life goes along, so even if you would have had the conversation before you got married, you would have had to have the conversations again and again as life progresses.
We don’t have combined accounts which is my preference but we do discuss openly how much we have and agree jointly on priorities for big purchases like vacations and cars. It’s all our money.
I’d suggest discussing it beyond the car. How do you want to manage your money going forward? It doesn’t necessarily need to involve combined accounts but there does need to be a meeting of the minds about how money in your marriage will operate. At a minimum, it seems normal and adult that he should pay his own phone and insurance. I can’t understand how he is not embarrassed about that.
You’re on the deed to the house, yes? Just wanted to check, since you contributed to the downpayment.
Another idea: could you say something like, “hey, I know you’ve been thinking about getting a new fun car — would you mind if I used your car after you got it? Mine is 15 years old and I’m getting stressed thinking about going into debt for a new one.”
That’s the cleanest way to do it, I guess, unless his car is also old. But something tells me his car is not old. (Do you even have space in your garage for 3 cars?)
This isn’t a marriage. Why would you agree to deplete your savings while he lives like the rich man he is?
You and your husband are not aligned on your financial goals. This is really important because financial goals affects lifestyle decisions and retirement planning.
Does he have a trust in his name. It sounds like you do not have a prenup. It might be worth talking to an estate planning lawyer and delineating what are and are not martial assets. This can help structure your discussion about shared finances. You should also be meeting with a financial advisor to review your saving and retirement plans.
Use your words. “Hubs, before you get a second car, my car is 15 years old and we need to prioritize buying ME a new car.” Then go from there.
there have been a number of posts where men want a “fun second car.” I get the desire for a fun car, but is it a second car because it’s impractical? A race car? an open air Jeep?
(I knew one woman whose husband, shortly after the birth of their son, went and got himself a cute little two-seater, which we all thought odd. We weren’t too surprised when they got divorced within the year and it turned out he’d knocked up his secretary.)
Not OP but the second car is typically impractical. It’s a two seater, it doesn’t handle well in the winter, it’s low enough to the ground that you bottom out easily, or it’s so expensive that you’re worried about theft or damage.
I was one of those posters. We have two “daily driver” cars- both SUVs. His fun second car is a massive off road behemoth with a snorkel and what have you that he rides around in the woods. He is also talking about taking up racing and looking at buying a car for that with a lot of his “fun money” that he’s stockpiled over the years and some recent inheritance dollars.
None of those things affect our upperclass lifestyle.
What in the world are you spending your money on!
Surprised I scrolled this far to find this. No mortgage, no school debt, $90k in income, yet can’t afford a car? The math isn’t adding up.
I’m confused – you were able to talk about money to the extent of agreeing to 50/50 expenses, purchasing a house for which you helped fund the down payment, and to tell your husband when you can’t afford a vacation, but you’re stuck on talking about shared finances?
When I it came time to replace my 20 year old car, my Husband took money out of an investment account he inherited from his parents to buy a new car. Because here’s the thing for us, there can be “my” money and “your” money but ultimately if something is for the good of the family, it’s all the same pot regardless of whose name is on the bank account. Our house was paid off with the money he inherited from his parents, but both our names are on the deed.
His viewpoint was that the old car was no longer safe to drive and we needed to replace it – this was something that the family needed.
I think it’s totally fair to say, “I’m not good about talking about money and we come from very different money backgrounds, but since we’re going to be married for the long haul, can we talk about what our financial future looks like together and how we think of our assets and handle big ticket items?”
+1 to the above — assuming a loving, caring, respectful relationship, it’s totally ok to admit you’re uncomfortable or not great about talking about the thing
(Imagine how you would react if your partner said something like “I’m not great talking about somethingElseSensitiveAndImportant but can we talk about it anyway, because this marriage is important”)
In your shoes, I would make a small down payment on a car and take a loan you can pay off in 24 months. Keep your 20k in the bank. It doesn’t seem like you have an “us” pot to draw from. But there is no harm in asking.
This is really messy. I’m the poster from the other day with the husband that gets $30k/year from his parents and while we operate very differently, it sounds like a fairly similar setup. The difference is that we have always pooled our incomes/bonuses for general expenses. In our marriage, the daily driver cars are general expenses. In our home, the convo would be “Car A needs replacing, what should we buy?” And there would be a drawn out discussion of the whys and wherefores of a million cars and then one would be purchased using cash from our pooled savings.
Our “fun money” comes into play when something like this happens: car needs replacing, we agree we want/need/can afford a Toyota. DH says, “eh, I really want a BMW. Would it be ok if I kicked in the difference in cost and insurance from my fun money?” And then the car is bought and titled to the person whose daily driver is being replaced (we try and keep one of us on each of the car titles, but it doesn’t matter; right now I’m on the sports car and he’s on the minivan though in reality I almost never drive the sports car)
I can’t believe a grown ass man with a job and a spouse still has mommy and daddy pay for his phone and insurance.
Car insurance and cell phone bills are a minimal expense for a lot of people. And changing them is a pain. It is just easier to maintain the status quo for a lot of people. It says absolutely nothing about OP’s husband or his parents. (And I notice you do not seem to object to the infinitely greater gift of a literal house that was made to both of them.)
And before you jump to conclusions, I pay my own cell phone bill and my own car insurance and have for some 30 years. I just object to the idea that an adult whose parents are helping financially when they can afford it should be shamed and infantilized. The world is a tough place right now, particularly for people in their 20s and 30s and it is lovely that his parents want to help.
Eh. OP’s partner sounds like a huge jerk, but an extra line on a family plan can be like $10 a month. Plenty of parents give adult kids Christmas or birthday presents that cost more than that and no one seems to blink an eye at that. I don’t know why the phone bill in particular is such a sticking point. It’s just a gift, and a pretty small one (in the context of wealthy families) at that.
No he doesn’t. They just got married and they haven’t crossed this bridge before. Cut them both a break. Now is the time for them to talk about money.
Your husband is a massive a-hole.
For context, I’m the one in our marriage with wealthy parents. They don’t give me cash now, but I’ll likely get a mid-seven figure inheritance when they pass, and they’ve given us some gently used cars (one is mine, one is my husband) and treat us and our kids to nice vacations. My parents did set up a trust so the inheritance will be mine alone, but that was because of concerns about potential divorce, same way you’d get a pre-nup if one spouse came into the marriage with huge assets. As long as we’re married, the money is shared and I can’t imagine making my husband scrimp and save for a basic car while I purchased a second luxury vehicle.
He’s not an asshole until he lands in a mine is only mine place after they talk. This is just coming up for them now. I also come from money and agree with you on the perspective, it give the guy an opportunity to get there. These kids are young.
We like to invite my MIL every year in the summer so she can spend time with the kids. However, it is incredibly annoying. She is very judgy and can’t keep her comments to herself (very conservative background – think comments all week about how bad society has gotten, how awful it is that women work now, how school is awful for children that they should be homeschooled, etc.). Both my husband and I will hide in our offices the whole week, and it is incredibly annoying. She is also put til midnight hanging out in common areas of the houses so there is no peace in this house. Are there any other solutions for her to see the kids other than spending a miserable week? I thought about sending the kids to her but I honestly don’t want the kids alone with her and my kids aren’t too excited about being away from us. I thought about sending my husband to her with the kids but my husband has no interest in this. I have no relationship with her and just stonewall her because she has been incredibly awful and mean to me since the moment my husband was married, and I am OK with this, but I don’t want to cut her off from the kids. My husband basically never texts or calls her (not even on her bday). My kids do like her and she is actually fairly good with kids.
Our solution to this was to go visit grandma and stay in a hotel instead of having her come to us.
This is the answer — you go visit her, keep the visit short, stay at a hotel, and then you are in control of the type and duration of exposure to your MIL. If she acts out intolerably, then the visit is over, you pack up, check out and leave. (It’s helpful if you can drive to visit her, so you don’t have the added complication of flight reservations to accelerate.). Same goes for the visit itself — you choose when to go over to her house, if things get terrible during the day, you gather up the kids and say that’s it for today, let’s go back to the hotel and swim in the pool, etc. Inviting her to stay in your home causes the stress of an unwanted guest inevitably taking over, and then having to figure out how to oust her from your own home. Don’t do this anymore! Protect your haven! Go pay her the visit for the sake of the kids.
What does Grandma do with the kids during that week? Seems like it’s the time for Grandma to take the kids to the aquarium (give her a CC or have tickets waiting at the door), the petting zoo/horse riding stables, the aviation museum, do they need new sneakers for the fall? – get them out of the house for the entire day. Grandma will be so tired at the end of the day she won’t stay up late being a pain.
Grandma is generally a homebody and rarely leaves the house. we have suggested it in the past and she basically came up with excuses why she didn’t want to do that. Ugh.
I wouldn’t want the responsibility of dealing with crowds and keeping an eye on someone else’s kids. If you’re not comfortable having them stay at your place, this would be just as bad of an option. But I also don’t think it deserves an ugh.
Your husband needs to step up here. If she’s awful and mean to you, that’s not okay. Is she kind to your kids?
Minimize the amount of time with her. I would use this week to schedule a couple evening fitness classes or art classes or whatever out of the house. And also go for drinks with a girlfriend at least once during the week.
DH can watch a movie with her or something while you’re gone out. It’s also fair for you to go to bed at a reasonable time like 10:30pm. Even if ‘go to bed’ means go upstairs and read by yourself.
If the weekends are long, maybe go visit a nearby town. You can get separate hotel rooms.
Can you go on a well timed retreat or friends trip during that week, or at least part of it? Well timed since the grandma will be there to help with the kids.
I think it’s ok to put zero effort into helping your MIL maintain a relationship with the kids given that she’s really mean to you. It doesn’t solve the problem, but maybe it makes it a bit better if planning the visit is on his plate and he can plan or not plan or plan once every second or third year or plan for only a few days as makes sense to him.
I would just not invite someone who was super mean to me, particularly if they were mean to me in front of the kids. Obviously, spouse is welcome to go visit.
That doesn’t seem like what you want to do, but it might be a helpful frame of reference?
+1 to this. Both sets of parents made awful hurtful comments to husband/me. Each adult child (I spoke to my parents and vice versa) told them it wasn’t ok, set boundaries (and went no/low contact for a time). They understand that if they are terrible there will be consequences. Also – we don’t take money from them so they have no leverage over us. People learn to reign it in if they know you’ll stand up to them – especially if they can’t manipulate you via money.
Yeah, that’s where I’m at. My MIL is annoying and we host her, but after several incidents in which my FIL behaved very inappropriately towards me and DH, he’s no longer welcome as a guest in our home. He could visit our city and stay in a hotel (which he hasn’t done) and DH can go visit as much as he wants. I think this is a perfectly reasonable line to draw, if she’s as mean as you suggest (and not just annoying).
To be clear, I give zero effs about her.. I just feel bad for my kids. Like I want them to hang out with grandma, if that makes sense, because she is their grandmother. That is the only reason I still invite her to the house.
I’m the poster above who went low/no contact with grandparents on both sides. My kids truly did not care because guess what? It wasn’t fun or pleasant for them to have parents who were stressed. As they got older they saw that the grandparents were not nice people and that it’s ok to stand up for yourself if people don’t treat you well – even family.
I think you need to separate your idea of “their grandmother” from the person she really is. When you do that, is she a person you want your kids spending time with?
No, that does not make sense. She’s their grandma…. who is awful and mean to Mommy, who Daddy doesn’t talk to, and who their parents hide from when she visits. Honestly, this is teaching your kids some unhealthy things about families and grandparents.
Do your kids like and enjoy her?
As an adult, I can tell that both of my grandma’s were probably difficult to have as MIL’s (although not at all to the extent of their kids having little relationship with them) but as a kid (and an adult) they both made it extremely clear that they absolutely adored me, totally unconditionally, like I was just the most wonderful little girl since sliced bread. If your MIL makes your kids feel like that, I think it’s worth the effort to keep up the visits, even if you make it your husbands job to manage (should be anyway!) and you have an urgent out of town trip that week. if she’s mean to your kids, absolutely not
As someone who had a grandmother who was horrible to my father/her son, and eventually me (it always seems to trickle down to the next generation), I promise it’s not worth it. I finally cut my grandmother off at age 27 after she behaved like a monster at my wedding (people who’d never met her before came up to me and said “what is wrong with your grandmother?! why is so unhappy on such a lovely day?”). I wish my dad had cut her off when I was born and I’d never had a relationship with her. Your kids are not going to get anything out of a relationship with a grandparent who’s awful to their parent, and will likely eventually be awful to them.
joint vacation? she can babysit so you and DH can have a date night or two. maybe with stuff to do, like on vacay, she wouldn’t be so horrible?
omg I would never inflict this on something I’d otherwise be 100% looking forward to.
if you want to keep inviting her for your kids, time to make a bingo card of all the unpleasant things she does, and set up your bedroom for escape (like put a TV in there if normally you watch in the family room, maybe a mini fridge with wine and snacks, etc) so you can go to bed and who cares what she’s doing in the living space.
+1 – take her with you somewhere, let her be a homebody there, you do your thing. Get a house with more than one living area or a good porch or something and hang out separately.
Can you put her up in a hotel and driver her back after dinner so you can at least have some peace in the evening?
My dad’s family wasn’t nice to my mom. At all. They thought she wasn’t good enough because she didn’t go to one of the “right” universities. Seriously. By extension, my dad’s mom would be mean to him too when my mom was around.
My parents’ solution was that my dad did visit his family members and talked to them on the phone with whatever frequency he wanted to. My mom, my sibling, and I did not. I have never had any relationship with members of my dad’s family. I’m now 45 years old, and I still do not care, and I’m actually glad my mom didn’t allow them to treat her like trash and didn’t allow her kids to see her inlaws treating her like trash. Very strangely, my dad’s family loves his second wife who he married after my mom died even though her pedigree, if you will, is no “better.”
Accordingly, my advice is to stop inviting Grandma to visit. She is not a net benefit to your household. Your kids may never care that they don’t have a relationship with her, and they hopefully will respect you more for drawing boundaries when they learn the truth as they get older. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, and I also encourage you to do what’s best for you and your family – which means no a**h0les.
Your husband is not stepping up and dealing with his mother. If he refuses to do that, and hides I his office, then she can’t visit. That’s the line you need to draw.
Does she want to come? She might be relieved about not visiting, even if she is good with kids.
I have the same situation but it’s my mother, not my MIL. My MIL comes and stays too and spends 3-4 days, and is annoying in the way that all houseguests are annoying but is otherwise perfectly fine. My mom overstays her welcome and generally acts in a way that makes me and DH hide in our offices the whole time.
We limit visits and I forcibly time box them.
Well, nothing will change if you don’t change something. So you can go whole-hog and stop inviting her, since it sounds like she’s terrible. You can invite her and then leave for the week, leaving your husband and kids to deal with it. You can invite her but have her stay in a hotel. You can invite her for less time. You can make a trip to see her and stay in a hotel yourselves.
Maybe you try something this year and see if it feels a bit more tolerable, and then reassess from there.
Pay for a hotel for her.
How do you deal with the feelings around a haircut where the stylist took too much hair off? I have super long hair and asked for a 4 inch trim to take of all dead ends. Stylist showed me what they would take off, this matched what I asked for. In the end they cut off double without discussing. I didn’t see until they were finished. I was too shocked in the moment to say something and they can’t glue it back on anyway. I don’t look and feel like myself. It will take 8-12 months to grow back to the length I initially wanted. I legit cried for over an hour. It’s silly, but I was really proud of that long hair and it was a bit of a defining characteristic. I know my hair is still ‘long’ by all standards, but the length is not noticeable like before. I could use some encouraging words or commiseration
I can totally sympathize with this, it has happened to me a couple of times, although perhaps not as dramatically. Complain to the salon (and of course never go back to that stylist), which might help you feel at least a tiny bit better. And it’s not silly, it’s okay to feel bad about losing something you cared about.
I’m sorry this happened. Losing 8 inches of hair is a lot. I find it best to clarify if the priority is the length (4 inches) or the goal (all dead ends) then ask them to show you where they will do the first cut and watch them cut it so you know it’s not too much. Ask them to stop and discuss if they recommend shorter at any time in the haircut.
Yeah. You may have given her two goals – no bad ends; 4 inches – and she prioritized the wrong one.
I’ve had a lot of stylists do this to me. “It’s just hair! It grows back!” Not your decision to make.
Find a different stylist and let her know why.
I wish I had an answer to this. No matter how blatant I make my preference (“no more than two inches. it should stop right here. it needs to be long enough for a ponytail. again, no more than two inches, which is right here”), they will always, always take off more. I don’t know why this happens and I’m sick of it.
I was shocked when a stylist told me to cut less and that I really didn’t need to cut off more. First time that happened. Now I’m loyal to that stylist.
Funnily enough, mine never ends up short enough. I assumed most hairstylists are afraid to take off too much?
I’m sorry! That hasn’t happened in a long time, but I definitely know how you feel. (Watch out for the first time you shampoo your hair, you’re going to freak out all over again.)
If it helps, in my experience, it will probably grow pretty quickly to get mid-back — obviously every head of hair is different, but I think for some reason it’s harder to grow longer than mid-back, or at least feels like it takes longer. (Like, it takes longer to get from 10″-14″ than it does to get from 6″-10″.)
I guess I’m lucky that I’ve never felt this attachment to my hair even though I think it’s a defining feature. (It’s still a nice head of hair regardless I think?) I’ve certainly had a bad haircut, but you can wait a few months and it’ll change (time flies). You’ll get hundreds if not thousands of haircuts in your lifetime so overall it’s just a blip. Would highlighting some of your other features help? Maybe it’s time for a new eye shadow?
You don’t have very long hair, I take it.
Even when I was younger, growing my hair to waist length took a long time. If someone hacked eight inches off, that would take a year or more to grow out. That’s not a “blip.”
Ooof, no. Really, why invalidate her feelings just because you don’t share them? New eyeshadow is not going to replace hair, good lord.
It takes a long time to grow 8 inches of hair back–way more than a few months.
@5:00 I have the longest most glorious hair in all the land & it’s always 100% fabulous regardless of a shorter cut or phase. I guess I take this for granted? Spoiler: if your hair is beautiful or if your hair is ugly, length won’t change that. In fact, if it’s ugly less is more.
I’m sorry, this is really awful and you’re not being silly. I suspect the stylist messed up and just hoped you wouldn’t say anything. A good stylist would tell you if they needed to take off more (say, if your split ends were longer than a 4 inch trim would handle).
I would leave a negative review on whatever sites people are using for this (Google? Yelp?).
I’ve been there and I get it. I’ve learned to ask for it two inches longer than I want and then it turns out okay. Never comment on your own hair being unhealthy or getting rid of dead ends- they take it as license to cut off extra.
Right now it looks awkward and shorter than it really is because the ends are heavy. A few months after a haircut you have enough damage that the hair naturally tapers toward the bottom. So even if it won’t be the same length any time soon it will look less Soccer Mom in two or three months. Try curling it but leave the bottom inch or two straight- this gives the illusion of tapering.
“Never comment on your own hair being unhealthy or getting rid of dead ends- they take it as license to cut off extra.”
I’m going to keep this in mind next time. Like, come on, you’re not a surgeon assessing where to amputate my leg to keep the infection from spreading, please don’t act like this is some professional judgment only you can make. I will survive if there are some dead ends remaining.
For real. I have hair bleached to hell that only looks good with a ton of at-home TLC. If we tried to cut off all the damage I’d be bald.
Thanks all! I’m not sure what I’ll do until a significant portion grows back. For the next few days it will probably be in an bun so I won’t be constantly reminded and people won’t comment on it
Not sure why this posted without my handle
It will grow back and you probably had a bunch of dead ends that needed to go anyway.
Vacation suggestions, please! We are temporarily broke from paying college tuition but would like to take a quick and semi-affordable family beach or lake getaway in mid-August after our kid is done with her summer job but before she goes back to school. Willing to go midweek to save $$. I’m looking for something like the Lake Shore Resort in MI, but within a 4-6 hour drive of central VA: a nice clean hotel right on the water with access to kayaking, biking, etc., near decent restaurants, very low-key with no crowds or party scene. No rental homes, just actual hotels. Budget up to $500/night if the destination is worth it (Virginia Beach isn’t!). Any suggestions?
Cape Charles VA? Or somewhere else on the Eastern Shore? The Hampton Inn in Chincoteague is shockingly nice.
Oh, Cape Charles looks promising! Thank you!
I think this is too far but Golden Arrow Resort in Lake Placid would fit the bill, and there are others on Mirror Lake in Lake Placid too if you don’t like the looks of Golden Arrow.
Lake Placid is 5-6 hours from Philly so def out of range for the OP.
Rehoboth or Lewes, DE?
Sanderling in Duck NC, or Kingsmill or Tides Inn in VA?
If you are open to the Outer banks, the Hampton Inn in Corolla is surprisingly nice. The Sanderling is great, or at least the restaurants are and it looks pretty from the outside; I’ve never stayed there. I’m guessing it might be out of budget.
At seven hours from Richmond, Tybee Island is a bit outside your driving distance. Still will throw it out as a suggestion.
The Great Smoky Mountains are a bit outside your radius but beautiful and have lots of lakes. Caveat: I hate heat and humidity and if I was going to be in the south in August, it would have to be in the mountains. I don’t do sea level in the southeast US at that time of year even if the ocean is nearby :)
Where to buy cute readers? I only need a .75 strength which seems to be eliminating a lot of options.
I feel like they are everywhere. (SO gets his at Home Depot – they actually look really good on him.) My favorite pair came from a local boutique/consignment shop, but you can find them at drugstores, gift shops, probably Marshalls/TJ Maxx, everywhere. My second favorite pair came from Goodwill! (New, not used, of course.) I don’t recall seeing any at .75, though; I wear 1.25 and remember seeing nothing under 1.0, although I wasn’t looking for those.
I would just buy some that are 1.0, which is much more ubiquitous – that 0.25% difference probably won’t bother you. Or you can get some made at a place like Warby Parker if you have insurance that will cover a prescription. For off the shelf options, try ordering from Peepers.
Caddis are cute and well made.
And don’t come in .75