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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Supersoft Frill Detail T-Shirt

A woman wearing a white top, blue jeans, and red loafers. She is sitting on a stool.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’m back at it with another recommendation for a work-appropriate T-shirt. This shirt from Boden has some cute frill detailing at the neck and sleeves to elevate it a bit.

I would wear it with a fun midi skirt on a casual Friday or layered underneath a sweater blazer for a more business casual look. 

The top is $40 at Boden and comes in sizes 2–22. 

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

365 Comments

  1. Friday morning rant: Why is it so hard to make friends? I moved to my city a year ago and I haven’t really made any friends — and not for lack of trying. I do everything you’re supposed to: go to events, reach out first, make plans. I keep getting into this pattern of hanging out with someone once or twice, and then I’ll ask her to do something and she just doesn’t respond. Or we make plans and she bails at the last second. I just can’t seem to connect with anyone. It really makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me :(

    1. Aw! It’s so tough. People are flakier now than they used to be and it’s not a reflection on you. You sound like a great friend to meet – post your city and maybe someone here is in the same boat!

    2. People are just flaky. I blame phones. It becomes so much easier to bail on people when all you have to do is send a text, it doesn’t feel like you’re affecting a real person. I’m sorry.

    3. It’s not you! It’s generally taken me 2-3 years to feel like I have friends in a new city. And I’m a church-goer, which means I see a pool of potential friends at least once a week.

      One of the big problems I find is that people’s lives are already established, and they’re often busy. They have margin for adding casual people to chit-chat with at an event, but not a lot of margin for adding “let’s get together” friends.

    4. There is nothing wrong with you! It’s just hard to make a lasting connection. Keep getting out there and don’t give up. One thing I recommend is finding something you want to do and then texting a potential new friend, “Hey! I’m doing X and thought you might be interested. Let me know if you want to join me!” It takes a bit of the pressure off the hang (what will we do? Where will we go? When? Etc) and even if the person says no, you can still go do a fun thing. I have lived in my city forever and have a solid friend group, and I still use this method regularly. It means that I get to reach out in a friendly way, position myself as someone who does the inviting, and also just get something fun on my calendar regardless of whether or not the person can join.

      If someone flakes or doesn’t respond more than twice, I stop initiating until they initiate something. Often they never do. It’s fine—as my therapist says, this says way more about them than it does about you. Much like dating, it doesn’t really matter why they didn’t want to see you again (genuinely too busy? Flaky? Not interested?). All you know is that they were not receptive to several friendly invitations and you have learned valuable information about them. It’s not likely to get better or easier. So move on! You never know—some of these people may pop up later when you least expect it, but you have to put your energy into those who are receptive NOW because you want friends now.

      Good luck!

      1. Great discussion and some really good points. I’m in some of the same boat as OP in that it’s hard to make friends as a adult. Any activity ideas outside of sports or church or political volunteering?

        2. I meet people through my exercise classes – yoga etc.. Often the same people go again and again. It takes a long time but people slowly become more friendly. At some point, someone will grab coffee/brunch/a drink after a class.

        3. hike
          visit a museum
          go shopping
          afternoon tea
          bake holiday treats
          take a cooking class
          get a Chinese foot massage (acupressure) (often in communal settings, so not odd to do this as a pair or group)

      2. I think this is the answer. DH has social hobbies and has a much easier time converting people he meets into friends because they all do the hobbies. My hobbies are very solo, and I find it hard to convert coffees or dinners into friends even when we seem to like each other.

        I made one of my best friends here. There was a meet up in my city like a decade ago and we hit it off. Maybe we need a thread next week for people wanting to make new friends and where they live and meetups can happen again. My city wasn’t the only one where I saw them posted.

    5. It’s so hard. We moved in late 2020. I’m genuinely cheerful and well-liked, I started a new job in September and have made pals, including 1 from another academic division because my office is by the ladies loo, but I can’t crack the friend code in my town. I’m a FT working mom, which makes me an outlier, but I volunteer, go along to stuff, frequent local businesses, and it just feels like the mums I’d want to befriend have full friend cards.

      1. Cb, I am interested. I think you may be an American living in Scotland? I am a dual US/UK citizen who married an American and moved to the US. For a variety of reasons it was a very difficult move for me (and I have lived happily elsewhere not in the US or the UK), not least being the difficulty of making a really good friend or two. Part of the difficulty is that in academic life people move fairly frequently. I am now widowed and thinking about moving back to the UK, and specifically possibly to Scotland, but with a lot to mull over. As I age and perhaps find it difficult to travel, wherever I live it will mean having transatlantic family connections. Today, post-debate I am particularly depressed!

    6. So there’s a lot more to making friends than scheduling things. Are you opening up and sharing about yourself when you hang out? You’re not going to connect with everyone, but you can’t make a real friend unless you get deeper than surface level. The key part of what you said is connecting. I’ve found it easy to make friends when I connect with people, then you make the scheduling work, but the connection has to be there first.

      1. This is a good point, and explored in Emily Henry’s new book if you’re looking for an example of how to share more.

    8. It is not you! I think it’s more regional. When I lived in southern California it was easy to make friends. There were so many transplants from other places and everyone wanted to connect. When I lived in New Jersey it was impossible. Everyone was friends with their high school friends or their cousins. You had to be in the circle. They had no space for anyone new. I did the exact same things to make friends in both places with vastly different results.

    9. Ugh, it’s super hard. When I was going through my divorce and moving to a new part of town, it took me a long time to find my people. I remember I joined a church and they were the MOST UNFRIENDLY PEOPLE I had ever come across! Ugh!! Anyway, have you tried joining some kind of service organization? It’s trite, but I’ve made some of my best friends in Rotary and also at our local Showcase Design House. When you work on projects with other people it’s easy to get close, and also to say “hey, do you want to hang after we finish our shift?” and then that makes it easier to reach out at other times. Also I’ve had good luck going to the same class at the gym on a regular basis — you end up being friendly with the other “regulars.”

      Hugs! It’s not you — it’s just tough!

    10. Hi,

      If, perchance you are in San Francisco, a lovely lady founded the San Francisco Women’s Social Club for just this reason–to form community when you move to a new place. You may not be “the type” but the Junior League is also helpful for this, even if you think you’re “not like that.” (In certain cities, it has a hoity-toity reputation.) I joined the Junior League in London and found it both hilarious and met some good friends. But then I tried it in Boston and it was not my cuppa tea.

      At any rate, commiseration–it’s super-hard.

    11. I have found the find friends through hobbies the answer to that for the most part. But I will say I don’t really go out to eat or hang out with those friends away from those activities and that’s ok. Kind of like seeing work friends at work.

    1. Agreed and I think it depends on the outfit and hairstyle/body type etc. someone long and lanky with a cool vibe could probably carry it off, but shapely me with regular hair would not make it look cute!

    2. It would hit in such a way that it would cut my neck. Look at how it hits on a tall and lanky model.

      1. I feel the exact opposite – the sleeves are cute but that neckline would be unbearable! Funny how different people are.

    4. It looks too much like a toddler shirt to me – the kind of thing you’d wear under a smocked dress.

      1. I literally just bought a onesie for my baby that looks exactly like this, haha.

    5. Didn’t watch because I knew it would be a disaster. Furious at the Dems for failing at succession planning. This should have been a slam dunk, but it’s clear they are utterly unable to organize.

  3. Thoughts for what to do when it’s all a bit too much? I’ve tried breaking it down, prioritising etc but am struggling to get it all done. I’m not even talking about “all@, just the reduced list of must haves. Groceries are online order and deliver with a repeat order, I have a cleaner etc…how do you all cope?

    1. i think it depends a bit if it’s you or a family — for my family only so many balls can drop, whereas if it’s just me i can let a lot more drop. focus on sleep and rest and give yourself a break.

    2. Sometimes it just doesn’t get done. Or it only does if you throw money at the problem. And you’d be surprised how short the must-do list can be if you really need to cut stuff. As long as you take care of the absolute essentials, you can get through the rough periods. You’ve already automated the groceries and house cleaning, which are huge! I’m guessing laundry and personal grooming (showering, etc.) would also be on the list. I think you’re on your own for personal grooming but you could add laundry to the cleaner or get that sent out separately. Get all of your bills on autopay and set up recurring appointments all at once (e.g., schedule all your haircuts for the rest of the year or therapy appointments for the next quarter). Other than that, I would make an effort to tackle one thing per week from the must-do list: oil change/other car service, post office/UPS/returns run (or schedule pickups), hiring a landscaper to cut the grass, calling a plumber for the leaky faucet, etc.

    3. Commiseration, this is me right now to an extent. I’m just letting my house be messy. Not trying to cram in a mani pedi before we go to the beach. Designating anything non-urgent as “I’ll get to that later.” As a clean freak and a perfectionist, I don’t love this status quo, but I’m prioritizing resting and spending quality time with my husband.

    4. I just don’t do all the “supposed tos.” For example, if I need a plumber to fix something, I call one person and I don’t bid around or make it a project. I just get it done and it costs what it costs. I just operate with a mindset of make things easy not hard and don’t try to save money on the small stuff. I’m fortunately a high earner and just see a percentage of our income as a “life convenience fee.”

    5. Oh man, this is hard. I have a family so I have to keep things running to some extent no matter what. I find that if I spend a half hour walking outside rather than cooking I feel better and can get more done at work. I buy Costo ready meals or pizza or BBQ. Even twice a week makes a huge difference. I also do a lot of “California meals”. Roasted chicken or lamb leg, rice from rice cooker, bagged salad. Beans in pressure cooker with leftover meat for next day. Healthy, filling, fast.

      Taxes were a huge stressor for me and I hired an accountant. I also was audited the first year I used one. It was stressful but pretty straight forward to provide evidence and has been OK since. I file a tax extension every year. It gives me more time and my accountant is happy to avoid crunch time.

      I know I get depressed if I get no movement and time outside. I signed up for sailing classes on the weekend and it feeds me for the first half of the week. I make sure to take a walk (kids+dog) at least once a day.

      I ruthlessly moved my kids’ school/daycare to minimize driving. They will adapt. They don’t need an angry parent.

      My work stinks. I am actively looking, trying to think of a new person to reach out to every week. If I can’t do anything else that week, I challenge myself to write one “STAR” story about an accomplishment. I have many now and it’s uplifting when I start to question myself and super helpful when I have no time to prepare for an interview.

      At work, I will send emails to OneNote and during non-active participation meetings go through them and create a checklist. I also take failures in stride. My org is set up to fail and I can only do what I can do.

  4. Can anyone summarize the debate for me last night? I’ve read headlines that Biden did awful but was it really that bad? What happened? Biden voter here.

    1. As a Biden voter, it was very bad. I couldn’t watch more than a few minutes without feeling like I needed to hyperventilate. My husband confirmed to me it was very, very bad. Also watching Trump lie his @$$ off was infuriating. Disaster for Biden.

    2. Yes, it was that bad, no spinning that. I don’t think he is electable after that performance and the party really needs to get a plan quickly. I lean Democratic.

    3. Biden has aged dramatically, and if you’re not in political circles, maybe you haven’t noticed it. You remember that dramatic before and after photo of how white Obama’s hair had turned during his time in office? When you’re 80 and already have white hair, age comes through physically and mentally.

      His voice was raspy and hard to hear, he lost his train of thought multiple times, he seemed to get confused and mix topics (e.g., while talking about childcare, he inexplicably brought up Medicare).

      There’s a reason Dems this morning are talking about a brokered convention. I like Biden, I’ve met him a dozen times and genuinely believe he’s a good man who wants the best for the country, but he is simply too aged to do the job.

      1. Yikes. Dem voter here. Do we think the party can still win after putting another candidate up this late in the game?

      2. With all due respect, you’re not credible if you think Biden is a “good man who wants the best for the country.” I voted for him in 2020 and will again in 2024. But Biden is a mendacious, corrupt, egomaniac. He’s allowed his family to make millions of dollars on his influence (actual or implied), enriched himself as a lifelong politician (Senator from Visa, anyone?), and spent his entire life striving to become president, including telling slanderous lies for decades about the accident in which his first wife and child died and the circumstances of Beau’s death. What’s more, his unwillingness to pardon Hunter (political consequences be damned–he’s your son!) counterintuitively just confirms the obvious–he’s a mean old codger only worried about himself!

        This isn’t to promote Trump, who’s clearly worse! But Biden is emphatically not some goodhearted, well-meaning man.

          1. Not the poster above. For decades, Biden claims that his first wife was killed by a drunk driver. “Drank his lunch” is an oft-used Biden expression.

            Except the man, who was crushed by weight of guilt even though he did nothing wrong, was stone-cold sober. It was Biden’s wife who ran the stop sign:

            “Police determined that Neilia accidentally drove into the path of the tractor-trailer and didn’t see it coming.”

            https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/biden-wife-daughter-deaths-b2475025.html

            What’s a rando dude’s reputation worth, when it could make Biden marginally more sympathetic?

          2. He probably believes this one; it might be harder to accept that his loved one made this mistake? This doesn’t seem like some kind of cold blooded deceit. I don’t think he’s great either (his foreign policy has been terrible, and it was selfish of him to seek a second term), but holding this against him seems mean (as does your take on not pardoning Hunter).

        2. I don’t think “using influence for his family’s benefit” and “should pardon his son” fit together the way you think they should.

    4. He looked terrible, but if you’ve been paying attention, this would not have been a surprise. We all ought to be wondering which unelected individual(s) is/are really running the country right now.

          1. I’m suggesting that anyone who thinks someone else besides Biden is running the country is forgetting there is a VP.

          3. Nah, she’s running around trying to figure out what meetings she’s not being invited to attend.

      2. Kamala Harris is not running the country. I don’t know who it is, but it isn’t her.

      3. Ever since Reagan, I’ve believed that the president doesn’t actually do anything. It’s all party and donors. Congress is obviously representing their donors and lobbyists. The Supreme court has become corrupt and partisan. The president is just for show.

        1. It makes me wonder how serious histories of this period will be written a hundred years from now. Will presidents even be discussed much, or will the narrative be more about the moves of wealthy players that we don’t hear as much about today?

          1. 100%. So much government money going to private individuals, either directly (hello Musk) or indirectly (through not requiring a reasonable amount of tax), and those individuals setting up philanthropic organizations which influence public policy (which as mentioned, they don’t actually fund much). Its not great.

    5. It was a disaster. Not just on style, which it certainly was (he looked ancient, he mumbled so badly I could barely make out his words and he was constantly garbling his sentences), but more importantly there was just no substance to it. I don’t think Biden made a single coherent policy argument all night long.

      I’m extremely liberal, and would never even consider voting for Trump, but I certainly don’t think that Biden was able to effectively communicate anything that Democrats have done or will do better than Republicans. He wasn’t able to push back on any of Trump’s blatant lies and just got into petty arguments about golf (golf! Can you look like more of a doddering old man?) and who was the worst president. He couldn’t even defend abortion rights, just started talking about girls getting killed by immigrants and r*ped by their in-laws (???). It was awful.

    6. I won’t summarize;, however, I will say that this is only the 1st debate. There will be more with opportunities for Biden to soothe his throat prior to coming on stage. This was a less than flattering moment, not reflective of who he is.

      1. There will not be another debate. Not sure what either candidate would gain from it.

      2. What opportunities? There might be one more debate in September, but it’s not like he can just come back from this next week.

      3. People can only keep making this argument for so long. It made me wonder what Jon Stewart might have heard from people behind the scenes when he ran that whole piece about how if Biden is so sharp and with it, why can’t we ever see it for ourselves?

      4. Yeah, that’s the spin. I am one who will most often buy the Democratic spin. Not this time.

        1. So those who aren’t buying the spin, what are you planning to do? Vote for Trump? Not vote at all? Hope the party appoints someone else? This isn’t meant to be snarky, I’m not really buying the spin either. I think my plan is to hope the party appoints someone else.

          1. I’m not buying the spin but will vote for the democratic nominee, so long as T or similar is the Republican nominee. I can’t do anything about who is nominated at this point and I feel like all I can do is vote. So I’ll just do that.

          2. I’ve never liked Biden and hoped he wouldn’t run again, but I voted for him last time and I’ll vote for him this time if he remains the candidate. Even if he’s totally senile (which I don’t believe he is), he’s still better than Trump, and his aides would do an acceptable job of governing.

            However, I’m outraged that these are our choices and have been hoping for months now that party leaders will try to knock some sense into him. I don’t love the idea of a last minute replacement, but given the polls and last night’s debate, I think the alternative is almost certainly a Trump win.

          3. I really really hope the party appoints someone else at the convention. Barring that, I’ll vote for Biden. Even if he’s incapable, he (and most importantly – the people who he brings to the White House to run everything) is still vastly better than a Trump presidency. But I’m not buying the spin anymore that he’s 100% health and capable and that his age isn’t affecting in his performance.

          5. Not vote. I’m in a deep blue state, so my vote for president doesn’t matter anyway, and I’m not voting for someone I don’t think is competent. And I don’t think either of the two main candidates are competent.

          6. Also in deep blue state and probably won’t vote. And I honestly don’t think my Gen Z kid will vote either if these are our choices. I have always talked about the importance and privilege of voting but sometimes a non vote is important too.

          7. The choice is between Biden and Trump, period. Like the choice for dinner is between chicken and a pile of s$%#. For the love of god, pick the chicken! And, please don’t fast — that is equivalent to a vote against chicken. The rest of the ballot has candidates that need your vote, too!

          1. But how do you make an effective argument about democracy when you know that the candidate at the top of the ticket is not really in charge? And that’s what they are running on. It’s all so sad and scary.

      5. Eh, he looked and sounded old, and yeah, maybe his team gets him better cough drops and practices how to look at Trump without looking so lost on a split screen next time – but to me the core, really really concerning part was how many answers he just … couldn’t finish. Like he needed to name a couple big health care wins, he got confused in the middle of the answer and just couldn’t recover. When asked about abortion, I /think/ he was trying to tell a story about a young woman who died, probably after not getting one? But he munged it up with …a Trump talking point about immigrants assaulting women? It was genuinely weird. The aesthetic stuff is bad for his campaign but could be better next time; the substantive stuff makes me think this guy really is not equipped to be president

    7. I wasn’t going to watch because I literally would vote for Biden even if he was comatose because he still brings ll the other dems who would run the administration, and I knew the debate was going to make me upset. But my husband wanted to watch for a few minutes, so we turned it on about halfway through for about 15 minutes.

      It was bad. The mumbling and fumbling over words, sentences, entire answers. He looked rough and sounded rougher. The comparison made Trump look presidential. What in the actual f.

      I am genuinely really concerned that Biden is going to lose now. I didn’t think it would be this bad. I’m fully 100% in favor of him stepping down and someone else being nominated at the convention. It will look like a shlt show but it would be better than losing.

    8. It was really that bad. I’m still voting for him because I’d vote for a turnip over Trump, but he had one job which was to convince people he’s not too old and he failed miserably.

      2. Yeah it was bad. I only watched about 5 minutes here and there because I couldn’t stomach watching the whole thing but it made it very clear to me that he was basically the equivalent of my senile 90 year old grandad. That’s a bit hyperbolic but I can’t imagine my grandad running the country.
        I’ll still vote for Biden, especially because I live in Georgia. As much as I wish they would rustle up another candidate, I don’t think it’s going to happen this late in the game.

    9. It was really that bad. Biden was unwell (apparently he was sick). To me it felt like if it were someone else talking on TV in some other context, the broadcast would have been interrupted at some point, but it just kept going.

    10. Awful. Had to walk/turn away multiple times throughout the night. The Democratic Party has a decision to make after this debate. A decision that someone in the room should have made a year ago. This national embarrassment is their own fault.

      3. Except the DNC can’t make this decision. Biden has to chose to step aside. Then the choice between Kamala Harris (a unpopular politician and a weak campaigner) or trying to replace her with someone like Cory Booker or Raphael Warnock (both of whom would be a delightful breath of competence and electability).

        1. I love my Senator Warnock. I admired him before he was a candidate and actively campaigned for him. I don’t think of him as a potential presidential candidate right now, but it is nice to see someone else does, and I’d love to see him rise in the party.

      4. Yes, they had four years to plan for this and didn’t do it and now will need to scramble to find someone else. (Even Biden himself had said he’d be a one-term president?!) It’s their own darn fault and the alternative is Trump winning.

    11. It was bad
      It matched the general picture from some WSJ reporting in early June (something like “Behind closed doors, Biden’s age is showing), that was pretty robustly reported. In the podcast version of the article, the reporters talked through how they actually researched the article, how they focused on areas where both their Democratic and Republican sources described the same action (obviously with different spins), talked through the”Biden has always been like…” question. Their overall conclusion was that he’s intermittent: sometimes he seems like the Biden of 20 years ago, and sometimes he really does seem significantly impaired.

      Even given that, I’ve decided I’m more ok with Biden’s unelected advisers running the country when he’s out of commission (and he does a genuinely good job of surrounding himself with smart, competent advisers) than a Trump 2.0 but I’m certainly frustrated with the Dems for setting up this situation. Unfortunately the time for them to really invest in identifying a alternate candidate was 2 years ago, not now

      1. Yeah I don’t really know that him stepping aside now is the best option. Two years ago, yes. But now it either goes to Harris who is completely unelectable (I like her but most people don’t) or she gets passed over for some random white guy and it looks like complete chaos with a heavy dose of racism and sexism.

        I also don’t really know who the right person is. Newsom has had some scandals and is super smarmy; I don’t think he’d fare well with midwestern voters. Shapiro and Beshear are rising stars but don’t seem to have enough of a national profile yet. I like Whittmer but I don’t think any woman is electable. I think this is why Biden is running again. There isn’t a replacement who can clearly take out Trump. (And I don’t care what polls say about other candidates – polls always favor politicians who aren’t running. If any of those people became the nominee the polls would change dramatically.)

        2. I’d add Pritzker to your list, and I could easily see a Whittmer/Pritzker ticket (in whatever order) being electable.

          Harris has not positioned herself to be the candidate. Newsom will be a guaranteed Trump victory. You have to go fresh blood and you have to go Midwest, I think.

          1. Agree, it has to be someone new that sweeps people off their feet. Midwest makes sense too

          2. Not Pritzker. Not with Chicago being a poster child for crime and neglect. Josh Shapiro?

          3. Fair point, Anonymous — my Indiana and Ohio moderate relatives don’t hate him, but I could see it not playing well in states that are less close by. (They do hate the Chicago mayor).

        4. Biden is the only candidate who has beaten Trump before, and is the incumbent. All the delegates who will attend the Democratic Convention are pledged to vote for Biden. Biden theoretically could choose to step aside and throw his delegates toward another candidate, but that has a 0.01% chance of happening. He really believes he is the best candidate to beat Trump and win office, and he is the presumptive nominee, and who can say he is wrong, notwithstanding this bad night. I think we underestimate the damage Trump caused to his candidacy by his continuous fabrications and lies.

      2. Genuine question: are you also okay with an unelected Supreme Court legislating from the bench?

        What’s the difference between that and unelected advisors running the country?

        2. Because one of those things is written into the Constitution and the other is not.

          There’s a scene in the West Wing where Margaret suggests that she forge the President’s signature to Leo when the President was suffering a medical emergency. He looks at her in disbelief and says, “I think the White House Counsel would consider that a coup d’etat.” Apparently we now live in that reality and yeah, I think it’s so undemocratic I cannot vote for it.

        3. Is this a serious question? Supreme Court Justices are nominated by an elected branch (the executive) and confirmed by another elected branch (the legislative), and the process for their appointment is set forth in the Constitution.

          1. Yes, and they just power-grabbed the authority to set political policy for the executive branch by overruling the Chevron opinion, snatched away the option to vote the administration (and its corresponding policies) out of office. It’s breathtaking.

    12. I didn’t watch it and after skimming this thread I’m too terrified to look at the news, but can someone at least tell me that Trump also did badly? I would vote for a steaming pile of f*ces over Trump but a lot of people won’t.

      1. I didn’t watch either but my understanding is that he was coherent, at least, and no one called him on the blatant lying, so he presented better.

        1. Biden called out Trump’s lying in almost every response. But the moderators did not do any fact checking (I only watched the first hour, so someone can correct me if they did after that).

          2. He called it out in that he just kept saying that those are lies, but he didn’t spell it out, so it just came across like school yard name calling in the end. There was absolutely no fact checking from mods which I assume was something agreed upon.

          3. No fact checking was NOT agreed upon by the candidates — that was reportedly a (poor) choice by CNN.

        1. Yes. I am a Democrat and I was horrified by Biden’s performance. Trump showed really impressive discipline for himself last night and did well in the format. Everything out of his mouth was a lie, but he looked the part.

          1. I agree. I felt like the NYT set me up to expect a coherent and chipper Biden, and a diaper-wearing, rambling, demented Trump, and I saw neither of those things. Biden came across as a walking cadaver, and Trump was disciplined and energetic. I was amazed that Trump’s answers (false though they were) were in complete sentences, rarely seemed to include the wacky tangents we were supposed to listen for, and ended before the end of the allotted speaking periods.

            I ran across criticism afterwards that Trump didn’t use big words, but honestly I don’t think most voters want a President who’s an intellectual show off (I work with intellectual show-offs, and they are tedious. I am well educated and it still grates).

            I will not be voting for Trump under any circumstances, but Nicki Haley is right that the party that abandons its geriatric candidate will win. Let’s hope it’s the Democrats.

        3. I know it won’t happen but I believe a Trump/Haley ticket would win in a landslide.

          1. I’d really like to see a Haley vs Whitmer race…but here we are two old white guys

      5. Sorry, nope. He told a lot of lies but presentation wise he was much better than he was in 2016 and 2020. He didn’t really make personal attacks and the mics cutting out meant he didn’t talk over his opponent constantly.

        1. He was much better presentation wise–but he attacked Biden constantly, about ruining our nation, giving money away to Ukraine, killing babies at 9 months, etc.

          1. He was much better presentation wise–but he attacked Biden constantly, about ruining our nation, giving money away to Ukraine, killing babies at 9 months, etc.

    13. I think it’s all an overreaction and frankly the hand wringing is far worse than anything Biden did at the debate. Also, historically, debates do not matter.

      1. Unfortunately, I think this one matters. Its Nixon looking sweaty and nervous next to confident and handsome Kennedy and Kennedy winning.
        Trump’s orange makeup and toupee made him look better under the harsh lights, and even though every word out of his mouth was a lie, he looked confident doing it.

          1. He definitely is not, but he looked better, and that unfortunately matters a lot to people.

        2. I was also thinking of the Kennedy/Nixon story. Biden was a shell of his former self. There’s no way he can do another four years.

      2. Biden did as bad as everyone says, but I still don’t really understand why so many people are on board with saying so. Watching it, I thought supporters would be flocking to defend him or spin it as not that bad for people who hadn’t watched at all!

        1. Agree with this completely. I’m a democrat but gawd it’s frustrating because this team has no idea how to play to win. The handwringing narrative has done more damage than anything else.

        2. What would be the upside of not saying so when it’s true and immediately verifiable? The T playbook of blatant lying doesn’t work here and anyone who was on the fence would just accuse the Dems of exaggerating or lying?

          2. It wouldn’t focus so much on it? Be real, changing candidates is not going to happen, play the team you have and support it. This is an own goal.

          3. Okay, well good luck telling everyone it’s all fine and to just ignore what they saw with their own eyes, then, I guess.

          4. The point is many people didn’t watch. It wasn’t actually as bad as the chicken little articles say. But now there’s a collective pearl clutch that’s more harmful because the news needed to write a story for our entertainment.

          5. yeah, Dems insisting this is fine makes me less likely to vote Biden, as someone currently on the fence. If they screwed up, they know it, it’s too late to fix it this time, and they’re not going to do it next time, that’s one thing — if they’re doubling down on “this is fine!”, I don’t want them to think their nomination was a successful strategy

          6. The news accurately summarized and reported that yes, his debate performance WAS really bad, and he did sound incoherent at points. People who’s job it is to be democratic spin messengers (like party officials, campaign officials) /are/ downplaying it, saying it was just one bad night, look at his overall record, etc. But that’s not the news media’s job!

        3. Right? Like why can’t Democrats say, Yes, Biden was not at the top of his game last night, but here are all the lies Trump told, here are the plans Trump and his advisors have for the country if they get elected.

          So your choice is an admittedly old guy (and Trump is not that much younger) who has done a pretty decent job of running the country and cleaning up after 4 years of Trump, or a racist convicted felon who will do away with abortion, and possibly birth control, not to mention possibly elections at all.

          Democrats are so quick to eat their own, it’s really a shame.

      3. There’s a difference between a bad debate performance and coming off as physically and mentally unable to carry out the duties of President of the United States. We all saw the latter last night and the latter is not fixable by means other than a replacement.

        1. This. I’m now not just unsure about him as a candidate – I’m not sure he should continue serving as president *now.*

        2. Y’all really don’t understand that most important function of the presidency is choosing who runs the government. You also need experience and someone who listens to reason. You don’t need a show pony. You need someone to thoughtfully make decisions. Biden is absolutely fine on all those prongs.

          1. You could say the same thing about any leader. Obviously, it’s also important that the president can connect with constituents and make them feel safe in his/her leadership. That matters, a lot.

          2. The US president also needs to be able to respond – at full capacity – to an emergency. Long term policy can wait a bit, or be handled by advisors, if Biden is having a bad day; a geopolitical crisis cannot.

          3. What from yesterday’s performance would have you come to the conclusion that he is someone who “thoughtfully make decisions”? I saw someone who should not be roused from bed after 9pm to make any sort of decision.

        3. Yeah. I’m not even concerned about the next four years. I’m concerned that Biden doesn’t have the mental acuity to be running the country RIGHT NOW. I used to wonder if perhaps Trumps cabinet would invoke the 25th amendment, but now I’m thinking it may need to be used on/for Biden ASAP. I found last night frightening.

    14. My MIL is here from her deep red state. She wanted to watch it. DH and I watched for 10 minutes, which was all we could stand. Biden looked 200 years old and like he had no idea what was going on; Trump was Trump- and there is no debating someone who is just full of nonsense.

      We asked MIL why she is even watching, since her vote has long been decided. She said to “stay current.” We went to bed.

    15. It was a disaster. Biden was feeble, soft of voice, looked confused lots of the time, and Trump was a non-stop liar, attacker, etc.

    16. It was bad.

      It’s been said a thousand times already, including by me, but I am so enraged that as a country we let it come down to these same two old fogeys. AGAIN.

      I also lost count of the number of times I yelled ANSWER THE F!@#ING QUESTION at the TV, for both of them.

      1. The last big debate I watched had Mondale. Someone asked him a question, and his reply had nothing to do with the question. I asked my father –“why didn’t he answer?” “He couldn’t answer it without looking bad.” Last time I thought a debate was a true and honest exchange of views.

    17. Writing from Europe,
      Analysts here say that the Democrats proposed this debate earlier than usual (should has been in September, after Biden has become the official candidate in August) because they want Biden to fail and resign. This way, Democrats will have time to elect a stronger candidate who has already been preselected at the August convention (the governor of California or Michigan…).
      But they want Biden to make the decision alone (or for him to feel that way even if he is advised in this regard)

        1. And how it works? Genuinely curious and interested because the impact of another Trump presidency on the world would be horrendous.

          They also said that Trump was more restrained because he wants Biden as an opponent.

          1. The party delegates from each state are pledged to vote for Biden at the Democratic Convention. They cannot vote for any other candidate. The only possibility of another candidate — which is not going to happen — is for Biden to choose to step aside and direct his delegates to vote for another nominee at the Convention. I think this poor showing will be a wake up call to Biden and his campaign. Most voters are not paying attention this early in the election cycle.

    18. So… listening to the debate last night, all I could think was why why why did the Biden team agree to a debate at 9pm at night? When you are over 80, your sharpest time of the day is morning, and you are at your worst after sundown. And it looks/sounds like Biden actually has Parkinson’s disease too, which just compounds this.

      If they have a second debate, he should have it early afternoon. Or do a debate on the Sunday morning talk shows.

      1. Early in the year, 9pm at night, under the weather and apparently on some kind of cold meds, and countless op-eds about replacing him… almost feels like a set up but who knows what goes on!

      2. Maybe because a leak that they requested the debate be moved because 9pm is past the president’s bedtime would have /also/ been highly damaging

    19. Sometimes, I don’t even know if the Democrats (and I’ve been one since the early 90s) even WANT to win. Who agreed to this disaster?

      1. I think that’s the thesis of Listen, Liberal (that Democrats are great at achieving their actual goals, which are not always winning).

    20. Just want to point out that a Presidential debate has never swayed voters. Get out there and vote!

  5. Mourning the end of a friendship, venting into the void, not looking for advice. My friend hasn’t replied to the last 3 texts I’ve sent them, spaced about a week apart. I get the message and I’ll stop trying but it still hurts. One thing my friend and I bonded over was antiques, we have each other’s holy grail lists, I found one of my friends holy grail items yesterday and I just walked by (of course I will NEVER tell them). Not buying the antique really felt like the nail on our relationship coffin though. Time to start over I guess and find another friend.

    1. I’m sorry. I’m going through this with someone I thought was my best friend. I was always, always the one reaching out/trying to make plans. As an experiment I stopped trying and I haven’t heard from her in three weeks as a result. It hurts but I agree that the best thing to do is focus your energy on the people who care about you and show up.

    3. Hugs. I had a 35 year friendship dissolve 6 months ago. It’s taken me that long to make peace with it. I hope in time, you find the same

    4. Is there more going on here that what you’ve said in your comments? If a longtime close friend didn’t respond to a few texts in a week I’d assume they were just busy or going through something. Obviously a different story if this is a casual friend or acquaintance you’re trying to turn into a friend, but my mind would never go to ghosting because a close friend didn’t respond to a few texts. I’d be more likely to worry they were in the hospital or something like that.

        1. +1

          CALL her.

          For all you know, he mother just got diagnosed with Breast cancer… or she did…. or who knows what. Just grow up and make a phone call.

          It is shocking to me that someone could give up on long lasting friendships over text.

      2. The texts were over a period of about a month. I know they’re fine because I sent a text to their partner saying I hope their vacation went well and I got a reply about the trip with a photo. The first two texts to my friend were left on read the third they didn’t even open. I don’t see what else I can do?

        1. I wonder what would happen if you texted them both about the antique?

          I think I don’t trust technology enough to assume I’m being ghosted intentionally.

          1. +1 I’ve definitely had people text “hey did you get my text/email” and I had not. Technology is not infallibile!

          2. I don’t think I could send a fourth text about the antique in good faith. I know I would get a response because they want the item badly and have been searching for years. It would be buying friendship. Think of it as the equivalent of TS tickets for this person.

          3. I think to me it would feel more like buying the high ground while letting the friendship go if that is what is happening. But I’d probably also text someone I barely knew about a holy grail antique.

          4. OP, you have a very strange take on friendships. If losing this friend means “starting over” as you say, you need to reexamine your expectations of friendships. They aren’t romantic relationships. You don’t get responses to everything instantly. Perhaps the only signal here is that you’ve come on too strongly and your friend wants a little space. That doesn’t mean it’s all or nothing.

        2. I’m old but you could actually call her and/or go see them? If this is a close friendship, what do you have to lose?

        3. Pick up the phone and call? FaceTime? Ask their partner if something is up since they haven’t responded?

        4. Why are you texting their partner instead of calling your friend??? That is bizarre to me. Call your friend!

      4. This. Were you aware there was a problem two/three weeks ago? Or is it just the text issue?

    6. I’m sorry. Personal connections seem to be too easily shed these days. I don’t think it bodes well for (or speaks well of?) our collective mental health.

    7. I stopped replying to texts when my dad got cancer and again when I had my first miscarriage. I would assume something really awful has happened in your friend’s life and just give them space. If they are just ghosting you, whatever, that happens — but otherwise, make the charitable assumption and let them be.

      Your post also kind of implies this is your only friend…? You definitely should be working on building a broader friend base just because it will make your life a richer place, but that’s true whether this friend comes back or doesn’t.

      1. Not my only friend but my only *antiquing* friend. My other friends aren’t into old stuff, so this loss is different. I have friends to go on a hike or grab a drink with, no friends to geek out over wood jointery.

        1. Ah, that totally makes sense and sucks!! I really hope that this friend comes back around and you’re able to remedy the friendship, and if not, I hope another amazing antiquing friendship blossoms with someone new!

        2. I still don’t know why not responding to texts means not antiquing. Not every do-stuff-in-person friend needs to be a text friend. If she no-showed at an antique shop, I think I’d understand better.

          1. The texts were 1. invitation to come to THE antiquing event of the year 2. the ad for an estate sale I was going to 3. a photo of something I saw at auction which I thought they’d like.

            Please tell me where I went wrong. I went to the antiquing event and estate sale alone.

          2. That helps me understand the connection, and I wish she’d just declined if unavailable :(

          3. OP, FWIW, I don’t think you did anything wrong in your outreach at all — I am just advocating for you leaving space for the friend to attempt to rehab the friendship if she has been going through a really tough time and didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to explain it and felt bad about disappointing you about not going antiquing. It’s completely your choice as to whether to forgive the transgression or not.

      2. She said she wasn’t looking for advice and also clarified the friend is just back from a nice vacation. It’s so irritating that people here will NEVER give OP the benefit of the doubt.

        1. I don’t think anyone’s blaming OP. If her friend ghosted her that truly sucks. But pointing out that maybe it’s worth talking to her friend directly to try to see what’s going on isn’t blaming OP.

        2. The irony of saying I am not giving OP the benefit of the doubt in response to a comment where I say OP is not giving her friend the benefit of the doubt, lol.

        1. No – it’s so callous. “If it’s ghosting, whatever?” The OP is in pain. Peloton, your responses have been so awful here lately.

          1. I went through absolute hell last autumn (husband did something awful that precipitated our divorce), and I wasn’t able to talk about it to almost anyone. It only took one or two “well maybe it wasn’t that bad” or “you need to learn to forgive if you want to be married” for me to completely shut down. I didn’t even tell one of my best friends what was going on until six months after it all happened.

            Just be open to that being the case.

          2. “You need to learn to forgive” – yikes. Where do people learn that it’s OK to say these things to hurting friends?

          3. If it’s ghosting, that is part of modern adult life. It sucks, you feel your feelings for a while, and then you move on. I promise OP has the emotional skills to handle this situation.

    8. One thing to keep in mind is that it’s probably not about you at all. I’ve had friends go silent and every time they pop back up something rough was happening in their life. We all jump to it being about us and it almost never is. Text her about the holy grail item. Don’t be so quick to declare something dead. Life is long, people go through things and you’ll be better off if you give space and grace.

      1. I agree. Tell her about the item, you know it’s important to her. Wouldn’t you want someone to do that for you? There’s no winning out of spite here. I think the benefit of the doubt can be really helpful, especially if you have years of friendship history.

        I went through a really rough patch last year and shut down on my friends. I had one friend who sent me texts every now and then with things like “hey, I hope you’re okay, I miss you.” Those texts helped a ton…. until I guess she got fed up with me and then unloaded on how I was a terrible friend. Which, yes – I was a terrible friend at that time but I was an emotional wreck for other reasons and couldn’t talk to anyone about them except my therapist. I had actually been working with my therapist on how to reestablish my friendships I’d let wither when I got the screed about how horrible I was. Guess what, we aren’t friends anymore.

        1. How did it help to lose friendships instead of sending a text “hey, thanks for checking in, I’m going through a rough time and can’t talk about it but I appreciate you reaching out?” That literally would have saved your friendship. Who knows what your friend was going through that YOU missed and weren’t there for?

    9. I’m sorry. I have come to terms with the fact that my friend of 25y literally has no time for me and is not at all interested in anything I do. I made new friends and actively socialised with a bunch of folk. But it hurts.

    10. To everyone who was like oh you don’t know what’s going on in that person’s life – texting back “hey I’ve been super busy but I’d love to catch up soon” takes 10 seconds. If you don’t have 10 seconds after repeated texts to you, you’re not being a friend, full stop. You do that, you run the risk that people are going to rightfully assume that you are out. Could there be a crazy scenario, like you’re in a coma? Sure. But it’s not likely.

      1. I agree if it’s just business at work you should text back “I’m busy but I’d love to catch up soon.” But if it’s something like a miscarriage or death they might not be in the headspace to respond.

        1. I give that advice in the context of having just been through two miscarriages myself. There were texts I didn’t really feel like responding to during that time, but I did anyway because I would hate to lose friends who had no idea what I was going through or any reason to assume that was the reason for a delay in responding. It felt good to exercise that agency to preserve a friendship. I think it helped me heal.

          1. That’s great for you, but not every woman feels that way. I would never end a friendship because someone didn’t respond to a couple texts over the course of a few weeks while going through a miscarriage.

          2. Of course not, and I never said that I would end a friendship if I found out later that someone had had a miscarriage during that time. But a lot of women will never say that they had a miscarriage, even to good friends, and those friends are going to wonder why there are no responses. It would be silly to assume that everyone who is ghosting you had just had a miscarriage so therefore you should always give grace, that it’s definitely not just that they are ghosting you. Sometimes people really, truly are done with you – and that is painful.

          3. Sometimes people decide they’re done with you but it would be weird for a close friend to ghost without any hint of a conflict or issue. I’ve had friendships end and been both the dumper and dumpee but it was always clear there was some sort of issue beyond not responding to text. Ghosting is something you to do to someone you’ve hung out with three times, not a close long term friend.

      2. Yes, it does. And some people do that. But lots of people do not. If you want to be like the first poster this morning wondering how to make friends or all of the posters who routinely comment about how they don’t have friends, hold everyone to your standard. If you’d instead like to have life long friends, step back and realize you aren’t the center of everyone’s universe and people respond differently to stress. For example, if a friend said to you “I’m so stressed right now,” you probably wouldn’t ignore the message. You’d engage. Maybe you’d problem solve. Maybe you’d suggest dinner or coffee or lunch. And all of that is way more than your friend wants to deal with. She knows you’re well intentioned but just doesn’t have the energy to manage you and her crisis/stress. So she goes silent. See how that’s not actually about you at all?

        1. This. Happy for this person that they have seemingly unlimited bandwidth, but many of us don’t. There have been times in my life where I felt like I couldn’t deal with one more thing – not a big thing, not a small thing, not a good thing, not a bad thing, just no additional thing at all was within my ability to manage. I still have friends because they are good people who are understanding of other peoples’ limitations.

      3. Some of this may be generational. I replied above suggesting calling or visiting this person. I’m 47 and texting is not my primary mode of maintaining relationships. I do text, more and more over time, but it would not seem odd for me for a friend to not respond to a text, particularly if they were dealing with something major.

        2. You’re right, 47-year-olds are probably going to pick up the phone, but if the OP and her friend had a texting relationship, it is an unusual change to suddenly be like oh I’m not into texting! Context matters here but everyone is so determined to make it OP’s fault.

          1. It’s not OP ‘s “fault,” she’s just rigid in her views of how things should be.

          2. I don’t agree. If it’s a friendship where texting is the norm, OP has confirmed with the friend’s partner that things seem OK on face, and three texts over a period of time have gone unanswered, OP has done enough. She isn’t being “rigid” – but she’s not going to beg.

          4. We’re both 30, I checked my phone’s call log and we have never once talked on the phone in our 5 year friendship. I think calling would make me seem unhinged.

          5. And she’s going to pop up again asking why it’s so hard to make friends in a few days.

          6. Y’all are wild. Seriously.

            OP, I’m sorry your friend at least seems to not be very plugged in right now. I hope it changes course.

      4. That’s fine—I do not need to be friends with someone who has high emotional needs around texting, because I am bad at texting and really bad at it if, like, a parent just learned that they’re dying.

        Different people have different approaches to friendship, and it’s okay that some of those approaches are just incompatible.

    11. I’m sorry; that sounds very hurtful. Passing on something that a friend said to me three years ago – she’s done doing all the pursuing. She’s spending most of her time and energy on balanced relationships, those who return the pursuit, who are interested and invested in her, remember her birthday or scary wait for test results and following up, etc. Not that she is cutting off the others when or if they reach out, she’s just no longer willing to carry all the water in all her relationships. I’ve been following her example and it’s made some friendships a bit sadder as some friends go quiet but those relationships are so much more relaxed for me as well.

      1. +1. I agree with this. Maybe some of the people responding here have never dealt with being in one-sided friendships, but it’s exhausting and sometimes you do need to let them go (when the other person has begun the walk away) instead of always doing the chasing. When people show you who they are, believe them, right?

    12. I’m sorry that happened – I’ve had similar situations and it feels really crappy. But my suggestion would be to actually talk to your friend before deciding that what seems to be an important friendship is completely over? Like, why not call and say hey i texted you three times and you didn’t respond and that hurt my feelings. If this person matters to you and there isnt an history of raising these oasis’s with no change, this seems like a problem that could be discussed and worked through.

      1. This. I understand that friendships often end with a slow fade and if you’re already fighting or not in a great place and she stops responding to texts, yeah that’s a sign she’s done. But ghosting a good friend out of the blue is not something I’ve ever seen an adult woman do, and I think it’s totally fair to ask her what gives.

        1. Really? People have posted that very issue here dozens of times – and it happened to me. A friend from work who had turned into an out-of-work friend made a huge mistake at work (plagiarism) and never spoke to me again after the day it was discovered by our boss. In the end, it was a good riddance situation, but people out there are cray and literally will ghost people for no good reason.

          1. I said “out of the blue” – in your case it wasn’t out of the blue because they were upset about the mistake and you knew that, even if your friend was being unreasonable. OP has no indication her friend is upset with her at all.

            I also think work friends are a little different. It makes sense you drift when you no longer work together.

    13. Not replying to 3 texts is not a friendship-ender. Choosing to walk by a holy grail item that she has been searching for for years and refusing her to text her about it because you felt snubbed most certainly is. If you’re this dramatic about perceived slights, then there’s no wondering why you’re left on read.

      2. I don’t know that I’d call the antique thing a friendship-ender, but it’s definitely a bigger deal than not responding to texts for a few weeks.

      3. Yep.

        Also OP why can’t you use your adult words and text and say hey. I noticed you haven’t responded to my texts these last three weeks. I hope everything is okay in your life and between us and would love to talk.

        1. THIS. THIS. THIS. People, use your words! Be adults! Yes, maybe the friend is done with OP. Maybe she isn’t. But if you have had a long and rewarding friendship, Roxie’s words above are the perfect script.

    14. God, people here can be such jerks to someone expressing pain. It’s all OP’s fault, she’s coming on too strong but should also call and FaceTime now, she’s being petty about the antique. OP, it’s clear you won’t find new friends here, that’s for sure. Best of luck to you.

          1. You need to practice being more confident in the emotional resilience of yourself and others. It will make you happier.

          2. I feel like reaching out to your community for support is part of emotional resilience.

          3. And I feel like your community saying “you’ll get through this” and advising you on ways to do so is your community being supportive. When I’m wallowing, the last thing I want is someone just telling me “I get why you’re wallowing.” Help me get out of the wallow! The wallow sucks!

    15. I would leave it open to just cycles of life and identify other friends instead of classifying it as over. I have friends that for whatever reason (life basically) who there have been times when we talked all the time and times when I haven’t texted them in most of the year. We didn’t stop being friends, it’s just a season of life. I get that it hurts, but I would just add to your circle of people instead of declaring this one over. Maybe it will circle around again some day.

  6. Any tips for medically induced rage? I’m going through a lot of health stuff at the moment. I’m fine with the actual treatment. I have accepted that I must do my own research and coordinate my own care. But I am out of coping skills for when a long awaited appointment that I need to proceed with a cascading chain of other appointments is cancelled on 20 minutes notice one day, rebooked to the next day, and I spend an hour waiting for a video visit and the doctors office is like shrug sorry you feel upset about this.

    I know I’m not wrong to be upset about this, and this is just one of many incidents. But I cannot continue to get this upset it is exhausting me. I need tips to cope.

      2. +1 to needle felting. When I feel like that it is the best to just stab away at something.

    2. I am the caregiver to somebody who has very complex medical needs in advanced illness, and my best piece of advice is to lower your expectations. Whatever you think your expectations are, lower them even further. Assume that every call will take an hour. Assume that everyone will run late. Assume that you’ll be forced to make decisions without information, and then be pleasantly surprised when things are better than you expect. This is pretty good life advice, generally. Having expectations leads to disappointment.

      1. +1

        This.

        I’ve had appointments cancelled where the replacement appointment is several months later, and yes… waiting an hour for an appointment is not unusual these days. At least it’s nicer waiting at your home than the doctor’s office!

        Lower your expectations.

    3. Honestly, vent here! Vent on medical subreddits! The more you get the annoying stuff out of your head through your fingers, the less it rattles around in your head, in my experience. I had a truly awful medical experience a couple years back that I am still mad about, and being able to vent about it online anonymously and hear back from women going through similar circumstances that that was some BS was super affirming and comforting. Sometimes, it’s just helpful to hear from neutral parties that the situation is crazy — you’re not.

      1. Also, when it comes to actual failures of healthcare, complaining in person is meaningless; put it in a short, clinical, fact-based message or letter. “Dr. X, I had hoped to speak with you today about [y], which is a necessary precursor to my appointments with Drs. [a, b, c.]. Because our appointment was canceled at the last minute, I will need to move those appointments, which I am worried will affect my course of treatment and my ability to give informed consent for my upcoming [procedure]. Can we please reschedule at your earliest possible convenience?”

        Having to wait an hour for a video appointment is not worth complaining about; the appointment cancellation that had knock-on effects on your actual care is. Paper trail.

    4. In a US context, I think I would find it hard to set a goal of being fine with and accepting things. It’s not really okay; everyone I know in healthcare says it’s “broken” or “in crisis,” and that was before the pandemic which has made every problem worse. I think it helped me personally to learn more about what’s going on. Understaffing, private equity acquisitions, government insurance reimbursements not rising with inflation, prior authorization, problems with residency matching, just whatever is contributing. And watching Dr. Glauckomflecken videos for some black humor about it all.

      1. Our healthcare system is good at prehospital medicine (EMS) and shootings and stabbings. Maybe baby birthing complications. Not anything chronic or complex.

          1. No, the U.S. system is EXTREMELY good at responding to neonatal emergencies – the best in the world. You wouldn’t want to be anywhere else if your fetus had an operable heart defect. But it’s very bad at prenatal care and only middling at preventing maternal deaths.

          2. Our healthcare system is fantastic at everything surrounding childbirth, relative to other healthcare systems (and especially when adjusted for the health of the birthing population).

    5. This may or may not be the case in your situation, but many times in health care situations, appointments get delayed or canceled because doctors are dealing with other patients who need urgent care or because the doctors themselves are sick (one of my doctors has cancer and has had to cancel appointments so she can get treatment). It’s definitely frustrating to be kept waiting, but I think about all the other people who also need care and I don’t get as stressed about it (while remaining outraged at our healthcare system and all of reasons there aren’t enough doctors and time is so tightly rationed). There’s no point in getting so worked up over something I can’t do anything about and is only going to make me feel worse, so I’m just always prepared to wait.

      1. Nah this doesn’t cut it. Doctors can still update their staff “hey pulled into an emergency Pls cancel this mornings appointments with my apologies”.

        1. But you have no idea what happened, do you? So are you saying the random receptionist who cancelled the appointment wasn’t polite/apologetic enough? Yeah, those (low paid) employees are often not the nicest, and I’ve had some who enjoy the power trips as gate holders.

          But I’m amazed the OP was able to get a replacement appointment the next day. That’s incredible, actually. And that’s likely why she waited an hour. The doctor double booked her etc… and so that doctor is also having a terrible day trying to catch up.

          I mean, if your doctor is just cancelling appointments because they got invited to a golf game, yes of course they should be shot and you should find a new doctor.

          And health care is only getting worse…. until with have a single payer system…. and even then rich folks will pay extra for private care. I don’t see any good solutions in our future.

    6. For me sometimes I think it is helpful to pinpoint the underlying issue for me, which in this case I think would be lack of control. If you can come to terms with the fact that you cannot control a lot of this and/or make it better, maybe that will be freeing? You cannot have what you want or even need here. It is another way of lowering expectations I guess.

    7. When I am traveling I go into a mode where I recognize that things are going to go wrong and I have to just accept that and move on. Otherwise the anger and frustration can be overwhelming. I am now applying the same skill to medical stuff. I brace myself for chaos and just get through it. Ranting and venting doesn’t help. It’s counterproductive because living through that stress cycle isn’t good for you.

    8. For the issue itself: be overly assertive in advocating for your time to the doctor directly. Complaining to receptionists or assistants won’t get it done. I’ve felt better just saying to the doctor – your care is a critical piece of my well-being, and you should know that your front office staff is making it a lot more difficult for me. I needed this appointment and they canceled with no notice, can you suggest ways to prevent that? Some doctors are jerks but many of them really have no clue about how all the appointments are juggled, they just go where their schedule tells them.

      For the rage: may I suggest lifting very heavy weights, with accompanying loud grunts? So therapeutic. Also if there is an axe-throwing place by you, give that a try as well.

      1. I don’t think the front office staff is cancelling with no notice after having been told hours or days before. As was noted above, it’s usually something that has to do with another patient or an emergency or the physician himself/herself. I work in healthcare and I truly wish some of you could see behind the curtain. For example on of my physician friends has seen a patient multiple times for a relatively minor issue. The patient does not like her advice and calls her incompetent, refuses her offer to set him up for a second opinion, ignores MyChart messages where she states she herself has consulted with another physician on staff and that individual said “X”, offers again to set the patient up with another provider for a second opinion etc. The patient wants nothing more than to verbally abuse the provider and insist that she do something that she does not believe is supported by medical literature. Can you imagine how much time this takes up? Even if the provider were to drop the patient from her practice, this is more time with administration, legal, letter writing, and being willing to still see the pt for a minimum period until he establishes care with another provider. We may think every patient is reasonable and understanding, on-time and not demanding, that providers are not double booked and being pulled in every direction but that is NOT the case. And yes, concierge medicine and retirements because of all this BS will make things worse.

        1. Thanks so much for the gaslighting. Actually, I do know what happened. It wasn’t this. And I don’t have to just sit back like a sheep because other people are difficult.

  7. Low stakes question for a Friday morning: How do you keep jewelry safe at your home? I am finally able to enjoy owning a few good pieces. I am insured with a rider to my home insurance, but was cleaning my jewelry drawer recently and thinking perhaps I should find a more secure place in my home for the couple of 3 pieces that have some real value. Anyone have a home safe? Other ways of doing this? Definitely don’t want to store in safe deposit box; post-Covid I have to make an appointment at bank to get into it, and they take weeks to get. I am really trying to make sure I wear what I own so want easy access.

    1. I have a fire safe in the back of my closet where I keep documents and photos. I have a few valuable pieces that I never wear in there. The rest are in my regular jewelry box on top of my dresser, but none of it is worth more than a couple of hundred dollars anyway.

    2. Lordy I just don’t worry about things like this with such intensity. On the daily, my stuff is out. I’d be quite sad if we got robbed but odds are low. When I go out of town, I have a fake clothing item that’s a vest with a lot of pockets that I put the good stuff in and hide amongst my clothes. Foolproof? Hardly. But unlikely to be detected quickly too.

    3. If you don’t have housekeepers you don’t trust or teens with friends with sticky fingers, I would not worry overmuch about this. The big thing is that I would not keep them in the places burglars are most likely to look — dresser drawers, obviously a jewelry box, etc. My nicer jewelry is under the bathroom sink behind the cleaning supplies (honestly because I put it there when we moved in and have been too lazy to do anything about it, but now that I think about it, it’s probably a pretty good theft prevention mechanism).

    6. I purchased a home two years ago where the previous owners had a fair amount of custom built in cabinetry in the master bedroom. One of the drawers is velvet lined with a lock that can only be locked/unlocked with a small keypad. Looking on-line there are ton of kits out there for retrofitting a drawer to be secure. So if you want to have easy access to your jewelry but able to lock when away, that might be something to look into. I’ve found it convenient for stashing spare cash away too. But if you do not already have a fire proof safe somewhere else, that would be a good investment as well for important documents.

    7. We were robbed and Iost all my good stuff. We now have a fire safe where we store documents, jewelry, and watches. Each month I pull out a few pieces to wear that live on my dresser, and the rest stays safe.

    8. so we just got a firesafe document box and it explicitly says not to keep pearls in there (also, upon googling, you’re apparently supposed to be wearing pearls every 4 months? whoops). i have a hidden drawer in my dresser that i love. but honestly it isn’t high on my list of worries.

    9. We have a safe but honestly it’s a pain and I have my jewelry in my dressing room so I can wear and enjoy it. The safe is for documents for the most part. (I do put it in the safe when we travel, along with my wallet and car keys.)

    10. I have a safe bolted to a shelf in my closet, plus a house alarm. A determined thief could get though both but I just want it not to be easy.

      I have my most worn jewelry out on my dresser. I have a jewelry box + an earring tree for dangly earrings. Studs can go in the bottom dish of the earring tree. A bowl type thing made of a seashell for bracelets.

      Most of my jewelry is unusual pearls (thank you, Kojima!) which would be nearly impossible to fence but I am sure it would be stolen if easy to do so. I just try to make it not easy.

      1. Here’s the earring tree my sweet teenage son got for me for a past birthday. (For all the people who think they don’t want sons!)

        WELL-STRONG Jewelry Tree Necklace Earring Holder Modern Cute Bird Jewelry Stand for Women Girls Teen Black
        https://a.co/d/06e8urwQ

  8. In light of the debate, who would be your “break glass in case of emergency” pick for the Dem convention in a few weeks?

    I think I’d choose Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA) who has a great legislative record, and her story as “just a mom in tennis shoes” (her start in the PTA) rocks, but I doubt she’d ever do it.

    2. Unfortunately if Hillary couldn’t win, I am not sure I can see another, less famous woman candidate winning.

      1. Boy, I don’t agree with this take, and I think it’s reductionist to blame the failures of that campaign purely on sexism. Women have a harder time getting elected, absolutely, but a lot of the anti-HC opinions really were specifically about HC.

        1. It’s true that a lot of Hillary’s problems were specifically about Hillary but I also don’t believe any woman can win. The country has gotten significantly more s3xist since 2016.

        2. That’s fair; if there were time to build up a strong candidate, I would feel differently.

        4. And, some of the campaign’s “shoe leather politics” decisions (which neighborhoods to knock doors and when) were baffling. I live in a swing state and folks literally didn’t hear from the campaign until the afternoon of election day.

          1. Is it true that they spent a lot of the campaign money writing big checks to consultants because they were so confident they’d already won? I really hope a better campaign could do better.

        1. It was both. I’m in the rust belt and I know people who straight up would not vote for a woman. I think there are more of them now than in 2016.

    3. I love Patty — I *love* Patty — but she is not a presidential candidate for the sole reason that she provides no benefits in swing states. Also, I don’t think she wants to do it.

      I think we’ll land at a Whittmer/Pritzker ticket and try to win the midwest core, and I’m not mad about that approach. Swing state governors do well in swing states. (I know Pritzker isn’t a swing state governor, but he seems well-respected by my Midwestern relatives in swing states).

      1. Whittmer is my governor and I do love what she has accomplished and continues to push for here in Michigan, but part of me thinks she and Pritzker are just a couple more oligarch wannabes whose ideas happen to be palatable to me.

    4. Probably Beshear but I actually think it would be a mistake to replace Biden at this point. It makes the Democratic Party look like a complete mess and ignores the votes of the millions who voted for Joe in primaries, which seems undemocratic.

        1. Right, but it’s not clear that the candidate that emerged from the chaos would be any more electable than Biden. I think Beshear or pretty much any other non-Newsom white man would have been more electable than Biden if they’d become the nominee last year, but that’s not the situation we’re in and we can’t turn back time.

      2. Yellow dog Democrat here, and after last night I would cheerfully transfer my primary support for Biden to another mainstream Democrat. I like the man but I now have grave reservations about his electability.

        1. But there’s no way to re-run the election and ask all the millions of people who voted for him what they want to do, and it’s undemocratic for the DNC to just overrule the will of the people (even if most of these people who vote differently today!)

          1. The DNC never respected the will of the people in the first place. Why would that bother them now?

      3. Was there a choice to vote for anyone else? I didn’t vote FOR him, I voted for the one option presented to me..

        1. Dean Philips was on the ballot in some states. I assume most people who voted for him in a primary were at least semi-enthusiastic about him? I’m committed to voting for him in the general, but didn’t vote in the primary because there was no point.

        3. I voted for Biden in the primary because I was voting in the other races and Philips was a joke, not because I actually wanted Biden. I would have been thrilled to vote for pretty much any other reasonable Democrat and would be happy if they replaced him now.

    5. Governor Cooper. Because he’s a moderate white guy twice elected in a swing state and therefore could probably beat Trump, which is really my only goal here.

      2. I could go for this, as an NC-er. I really respect him and his ability to work both sides of a heavily divided aisle here.

    9. I love Sen. Sherrod Brown of Ohio. I was disappointed when he said he wouldn’t run.

      Although honestly I think it’s pretty hopeless at this point.

    10. PA governor Josh Shapiro. Solid democrat, and more importantly, seems pretty electable.

    11. Governor Tim Walz. But no one knows who he is and there isn’t enough time to get him the name recognition required

      1. Seriously, this. I know this is just anecdotal, but my longtime conservative father is now nostalgic for the Obama administration. I’m sure he’s not the only one

  9. As an Independent centrist, I have two comments.
    1. The DNC and the RNC failed the country this round in a truly unforgivable manner.
    2. Americans deserve to be led by the person they elected. If that person is not medically fit to lead, there is a constitutional process to follow whether for a short period (surgery, for example) or longer period of time. To suggest electing someone (from any party) already suspected of being medically unable to lead simply for the unelected team they’d put together to is mind-blowing. We don’t do regencies. We expect to be led by people we’ve voted into office, however poor that leadership turns out to be.

    1. I don’t think Biden is medically unable to lead. He’s always had a stutter and not been good at public speaking and debates. Previously he looked good in debates mainly because Trump imploded, which didn’t happen this time. I do think he’s not as sharp mentally and has slowed down a LOT physically versus four years ago, which doesn’t inspire confidence about a future four year term, but that doesn’t mean he’s currently unable to function or make governing decisions.

      1. That was way beyond a stutter and “not being good at” public speaking and debates. His reasoning wasn’t what I’d want to see from anyone making governing decisions.

        1. A stutter isn’t just saying things like “S-s-s-s-low”, it can also mean you have trouble finding words. He’s *always* had problems putting coherent thoughts together out loud. I think people really don’t appreciate that he seemed like the winner in 2020 debates solely because Trump rambled on like a crazy person for an hour and looked and sounded certifiably nuts, which he managed to mostly avoid doing last night.

          Biden definitely looked and seemed older than before but he did not seem medically incapable of governing to me (currently; four years from now is a different story).

          1. Idk, I’ve been a Biden fan for 20 years (the rare enthusiastic Biden 2020 voter!), and that was not “just Joe being Joe” to my eyes.

    3. As a Republican who can’t stand Trump, I agree 100%. The memes going around this morning showing the bad actors (Putin, Kim Jong Un, etc.) rubbing their hands with glee while watching the debate should be sobering to the “I’ll vote for Biden anyway” crowd.
      And the DNC 100% knew this before the primaries.

        1. people are pointing out on Twitter that he maybe is “too old” only for people uncomfortable with the idea of a black woman president if he does die.

          1. IDK, I felt the same way about Feinstein, and I think I would’ve felt the same way about Reagan if I’d been voting age during his administration. I’ve also felt the same way about certain Justices. This is a pretty common moral/political position to hold, and it’s weird to reflexively make it about race.

          2. I would be fine with a Harris presidency; I wish the administration had set up her VP role in a way that better positioned her to be the candidate this year. And I think Biden is too old to be president

        2. The reality is Kamala Harris is deeply unpopular and unelectable. She isn’t capable because she will have no support and no one wants to work with her. There’s more for people to gain by working against her. We can all argue lol day long about why she is unpopular, and if it is fair or not, but the fact is she is unelectable and unable to lead.

          2. If she were capable, she would have been very clearly running the show for the last 3.5 years, and the NYT and WaPo would have fawning coverage of the rock star black woman who is trouncing the racist, sexist GOP and getting s— done.

      2. Of course those guys are rubbing their hands with glee. They know a president Trump would be their puppet.

      3. See, I read that the dictators were rubbing their hands, thinking this means a Trump presidency, which they would love.

        1. This. Anyone with the vaguest level of familiarity with international affairs knows that for a myriad of reasons Russia, China, and North Korea all prefer a Trump presidency. That’s not going to change because of debates. It’s because of the policy positions of the candidates.

        2. The dictators 100% want Trump. The memes going around that Putin and Kim Jong Il want a Biden presidency are right wing propaganda.

    4. I don’t think he should be running for president again, because he’s not effective at communicating and “looking” presidential, and that’s definitely part of the job. I also don’t think he has the energy to provide true leadership. However, nobody really gets to do that anymore anyway, because congress is a joke and doesn’t do anything. I also don’t really have any doubts about his ability to make reasonable decisions, so I don’t think he’ll actually be much worse of a president than another Democrat, just less likely to be elected. In other words, Americans should be led by the person they elected, but we’ve made it impossible for them to actually do anything, so I don’t actually think presidents matter as much as Congress and the Supreme Court do.

      1. He is the only candidate who has already beaten Trump in a national presidential election. He is the incumbent. He automatically has way more advantages than any fantasy/unicorn alternative candidate at this stage of the race. It’s telling that the “Biden should step aside” crowd, for all the bemoaing his performance at the debate, have not named a serious alternative candidate. The choice is going to be Biden or Trump, which is like going to dinner and having a choice of chicken or $#%@. Pick the chicken, obviously.

    5. Americans may deserve to be led by the person they elected but we have never one time in 200+ years and multiple presidents who were not medically competent removed one from office for that reason. We do not live in an ideal world. And right now we live in an even less ideal one that usual.

      And I have said it before and I will say it again: Biden or Trump. Pick your poison. But unless one of them drops dead between now and November those are your choices. Nobody (not the RNC, not the DNC, not some stealth candidate) is coming to save you.

      1. Yes, this exactly. It’s a shame and embarrassment these are the choices we have but these are the choices. Don’t behave like a toddler who when asked if they want grilled cheese or pb & j for lunch and they say chicken nuggets, and that isn’t on the menu

        I wish we could go back in time. Biden should’ve run in 2016. He would have beat Trump, then maybe Trump would’ve gotten these presidential ideas out of his head, and our society wouldn’t be such a mess. Biden would be finishing his second term now and maybe we’d have some new democratic blood and normal republicans running. Is it 2028 yet?!?

      4. But, if I know Trump would die or not be able to complete a second term, and Doug Burgum is his VP, I’d vote for Trump.

        1. Seriously? As opposed to Kamala Harris as VP/back-up president? Who has the relevant experience? I’ll take current VP over Governor of a minor/unimportant state any day.

    6. The GOP failed the country in 2016, 2020, and 2024, and every year in between when they did nothing to turn the page on the kook who was captivating their most vulnerable devotees.

      3. The DNC failed the country by not running full primaries in the last two years and simply yielding and hoping aging Joe Biden will hold on to his faculties. You can say what you want and agree or disagree with the outcome but RNC did run a full set of primaries. And I hate Trump! But that’s where the Republican Party energy currently is whether or not I like it and agree with it.

  10. I never really wear bracelets because I have a hard time getting them on one-handed and because I work at a computer all day long and figured they might be uncomfortable. However, I’m starting to see a lot of women with modern diamond tennis bracelets and I’m really liking the look. Currently considering the Mejuri micro-pave diamond bracelet (link below) – can anyone speak to Mejuri quality or a similar looking bracelet in a similar (or lower) price range from another brand that might be worth checking out? Is this something I could wear on a daily basis without seeming too flashy? Also, thoughts on whether this modern tennis bracelet is a going to be a timeless look or become outdated fairly soon? I almost never buy nice jewelry, so while it’s about time I bought myself a nice piece, I want to make sure that it won’t quickly go out of style or be uncomfortable to wear on a daily basis. TIA!

    (https://mejuri.com/shop/products/micro-pave-diamond-riviere-bracelet?qID=c678b1202628c4c7fb1de3328211bb74)

    1. I have a few pieces from Mejuri and I’m really happy with them. A tennis bracelet is classic and will never go out of style.

        1. Ha! Joke’s on me! I just looked up the Costco tennis bracelets and they’re the same as the “back in the day” ones! I stand corrected.

    2. i’ve been thinking about getting a “forever” bracelet because i can’t put them on either

    3. Pretty!

      FWIW, you can buy ‘bracelet helpers’ which are essentially a stick with a claw at one end, designed for your bracelet arm’s hand to use to hold one end steady.

      1. For a typical claw clasp, I put a long safety pin through the loop end of the bracelet. The safety pin gives me something to hold onto that I can actually reach, while I use my other hand to clasp onto the loop.

    4. I’ve heard very meh things about Mejuri. For that price I’d be wary of the quality. If you’re on TikTok I’d look at the ‘tennis tournament’ post by Jewel Boxing. She reviwed a LOT of vendors and natural vs. lab diamonds. Her top picks are Costco (not shocking to me – they have great deals on diamonds), Roen, The Tailored Diamond (IRL store in the Diamond District of NYC), or Ashley Zhang.

      1. +1 Mejuri is good for a low end earring when you want real metal and to wear it every day. It’s absolutely not where I would buy a tennis bracelet or anything at a significant price point. It’s mass produced and poor quality from a craftsmanship and materials perspective.

        1. I was going to say that Mejuri is great for the price based on my experience with their rings and earrings, and then I looked at the price point on the tennis bracelet. Agree that there are likely going to be better quality options at that price point and it’s worth shopping around.

          There is a physical Mejuri store near me, and I would want to try on any piece of jewelry I’m spending that amount of money on anyway (especially if it’s delicate and worn somewhere where I’d worry about it catching on things), so I would say go make an afternoon of bracelet shopping! By the end of the day, you’ll have a sense of which one feels like the best fit for your wallet and lifestyle.

      2. The clasp on my Mejuri bracelet broke within a month of buying. It’s just sitting in my closet now with the plated gold tarnished to almost solid black. I should just have bought from a regular jewelry store but the brand marketing got me.

  11. Question – the NYT homepage has like 5 stories suggesting Biden step aside. Let’s say he did that… but we don’t have time for primaries obviously. Would a candidate like that be allowed on state ballots?

    3. Well, if a stand-in candidate wouldn’t be allowed on the state ballots, does that mean we can’t hold a meaningful election if either of last night’s candidates dies? Doesn’t seem like a good plan.

  12. Book stuff!

    I just read the first Jackson Brodie novel by Kate Atkinson. I’ve read everything else she has written but stayed away from this series until now.

    I just googled and saw there’s a BBC series called Case Histories based on some of the books.

    Anyone else into this?

    1. I have read that whole series and I loved them! Haven’t seen the TV series — will have to check it out!

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