ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 341 Comments

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Taja Dickey Jacket

A woman wearing a brown grid printed blazer and black acid denim pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The Veronica Beard dickey jacket is a longtime favorite around here, and this new colorway is no exception. It looks perfectly autumnal in a way that makes me want to drink apple cider while I read a cozy mystery by the fire.

If you like the pattern but don’t need any more blazers, it also comes in this cute minidress.

The jacket is $648 and comes in sizes 00–16.

A few options on the more affordable side come from Mango ($139.99; XXS–XXL), Talbots ($179.99 on sale; four size ranges), and Talbots once again $219; four size ranges).

Sales of note for 12.5

341 Comments

  1. I have an OBGYN appointment coming up and I want to be prepared because I always feel like she rushes me. I’ve been on the seasonal style birth control for years and love it because I used to have heavy, unpredictable periods. I have had slightly high blood pressure for a while now and am considering stopping the pills to see if that helps. I also recently had a SVT in my leg which has scared me a little, though the ER assured me it was just from a varicose vein. I am 37 and have seen mixed literature on oral contraceptives at this age, but I really don’t want to get pregnant. I’m not looking for medical advice, just curious what others are using for birth control so I can explore with my doctor (surgical solutions are not an option right now).

      1. Team copper IUD forever. I’ve had mine for ten years. That said, I know it can make periods heavier for some people.

        1. Mine does make my period heavier (although the menstrual disc has helped with that). I loved the mini-pill prepregnancy though. I had a DVT so couldn’t do a combi pill.

        2. They made mine heavier and the cramping was also way worse. I got it removed over a year ago and was astounded at how much lighter and easier everything became. I think I had forgotten (over the almost ten years that I had it) what a non-IUD period felt like. That said, it was great for contraception – absolutely no thought or worries.

          1. +1. I had a similar experience. Heavier flow and painful cramps, even though I had no cramps before the IUD.

        3. Mine broke coming out…. and I still have a centimeter of plastic + copper embedded in the wall of my uterus.

          1. I also had a traumatic IUD removal process (that someone on here was super rude about, shout to the person on here who told me to “suck it up” lol). I’m not sure if I am going to go back to an IUD after I give birth next spring. One of my best friends is also having to have surgery bc hers is embedded in her uterus (not the copper one though). I’m really not sure what I’m going to do.

      2. Did you experience bleeding issues? That is what I tend to hear about the copper IUD. I forgot to add in my post I also struggle with low ferritin and so bleeding as little as possible is a priority for me.

      3. I’m on my second and love the copper IUD as well. It does make my periods somewhat heavier, but nothing unmanageable.

    3. Mirena IUD. My obgyn wanted me off oral contraceptives when I turned 40 due to an increased risk of stroke based on history of migraines with aura. I don’t get a period, just spotting on a rare occasion. Insertion was not memorable, but I’d also had two kids. I’ve experienced no side effects other than no period. Lasts 7 years, although there’ve been rumors it would get extended to 10.

      1. +1 to the Mirena. I had it for years and I didn’t get a period the whole time. I’ve heard stories about painful insertion or removal but honestly I have no memory of any pain at all.

      2. +1 to Mirena. I also was recommended the IUD after 40 due to migraine with aura. I get spotting (and spotted a lot for the first 6 months after insertion) but not any real periods. Unlike PP, insertion was extremely painful (I also had 2 kids before insertion but that didn’t seem to make it any better). The painful insertion was worth it though for many years of not having to worry about periods and contraception.

    4. I loved my Mirena IUDs before DH got a vasectomy. Periods became light and then disappeared. The hormones are so low that I had no other side effects.

    5. My husband and I just use condoms. I know the stats are not good, but I think a lot of the problems are attributable to incorrect use. We’ve used them for 15+ years and never had an accidental pregnancy, and we conceived easily twice when we stopped using them in our mid-late 30s, so we were clearly fertile for many years. If you’re really worried you can use both hormonal birth control and condoms. I know people that do that.

      1. That’s what husband and I are doing, as well. Admittedly, we are less active than 15 years ago, but the most stuff happens during my fertile window, and we’ve never had an issue.
        Now in perimenopause my cycles get wonkier so I’m glad I can observe the natural changes and be aware.

      2. As I mentioned in my original post surgical options are not viable at this time. Obviously that would be the easiest solution.

        1. Yeah but why? You’re done having kids. Why does it need to be something you do to your body? Time to share the load.

          1. I think that is for me to to decide, not you. But since you asked, there are medical reasons for each of us that make surgery a bad choice right now.

          2. C’mon, it’s obnoxious to push for options OP says aren’t options at this time. She doesn’t owe you an explanation.

          3. It is really none of your business. Work out your misandry in therapy and not here, please.

    7. I have had a great experience with Nexplanon – was a bit wary of IUD insertion, so decided to try it. On my second one. I don’t have a period with mine.

    8. I have been on Mirena/Kyleena IUDs for 8 years. I initially switched to an IUD because I was having migraines every month around my period and wanted to see if getting off the pill would help. In addition, my dad had just had a clot in his leg, and while my OBGYN encouraged me not to necessarily apply that to myself… I just did not feel comfortable staying on the pill, which increases the risk of clotting. Turns out I was right to be concerned about both of these things– I do not have migraines anymore (even when I’m totally off birth control and TTC). I also realized the pill had caused me to have some significant hair loss over the years, which started growing back once I switched to an IUD.

      Also, when I was pregnant, I discovered I had a clotting disorder, which means that the pill is officially counterindicated for me. I also have slightly high blood pressure and have not found that any method of birth control really affects that. However, with your clotting history, I would have a conversation with your OB about what type of risks you are comfortable with from your birth control.

    9. Mirena. I love it and wish I had gotten one decades earlier. I’ve never had children and insertion was a breeze — my doctor told me how to prep, offered a rx for Valium (I declined), and used what apparently was a sufficient dose of numbing agent.

    10. I had a copper IUD for a couple years and it was pretty much a disaster. Lots of cramps and debilitating fatigue during my period. After it came out, I was on a NuvaRing for a while, but it had some issues with breakthrough bleeding.

      After I had an ablation, I spent time on the pill until I started having severe mood swings and migraines headaches. Then I went back to the ring until we confirmed that I had gone through menopause.

    11. Ask if she will check for polyps/fibroids, which may be contributing to your heavy periods.

  2. I could use shopping help today. I’m looking for a wristlet pouch type thing for a phone and keys to use at work mostly. I would like it to be well made without any obvious labels, preferably leather. I am seeing lots under 75 dollars at mall stores, but I’m looking for something more special, probably in the 250-500 price point.

    1. I don’t have one specifically like that, but I like Mark & Graham and Clare V for nice leather that isn’t labeled and is understated in design.

    2. I bought my mom one from Knomo 10 years ago and she still uses it regularly. It had a tiny, tiny label.

  3. Would you go with contractor A or B for a full kitchen remodel and flooring project. Both have good reviews and are very helpful/responsive to my questions. Husband and I both WFH, no kids or pets. Kitchen layout is remaining the same, no tearing down of walls or anything HGTV worthy. Bonus Q: how do I tactfully tell the other contractor we decided to go with someone else?

    A:
    3 person team, can complete project in 5 days
    Includes new under sink plumbing in estimate (including new garbage disposal)
    $500 less than company B
    Available to start end of February/beginning of March

    B:
    2 person team, 1.5 week timeline
    Need to clarify but I believe plumbing including disposal will be reused
    $500 more than company A
    Available to start January

    1. I think it is hard for others to answer this. Prices are very similar–get the new disposal into the second estimate so you have an apples to apples estimate. When do you want it done? It will take longer, always does. I would go with A because I would want to get it over with.

    2. Personally, I would go with company A. It sounds like the time difference of the disruption is about 2-3 days which I would value at less than $500. When you contact whichever contractor you go be straightforward. “Thank you for giving us a quote. It was a tough decision but we went with a different company which was cheaper/ faster”. They are used to this kind of thing and are probably usually not contacted at all.

    3. Having been down this road myself, I’d vote team A. The shorter time to completion is worth the wait till February. These projects always take longer than planned, so starting with a shorter timeframe and a bigger crew will end up being less disruptive to your household. Even if you have to wait a bit longer.

    4. I would be extremely skeptical of a full kitchen remodel and flooring in 5 days. What type of flooring? Does this include cabinetry? Do you already have your appliances? If they are truly apples to apples comparisons, check references for both and trust your gut. If your gut says B, then push them to include some plumbing in their work to get the job.

      2. Yeah, I’m skeptical of this time frame too. There were lags in our remodel because things had to be put back in place in a certain order, and if electrician takes longer, than plumber has to wait, etc. But definitely better with a bigger crew.

    5. How can anyone complete a kitchen reno project in 5 days? I might be misreading something!

    6. I would go with A. I guess it depends on your climate, but I prefer doing this at a time when you can open windows and air things out. Also, the shorter timeframe would be worth it for me (because it always doubles).

      1. Really good point about being able to open windows. I guess it depends on geography. Where I live, February is often the worst month and we still have snow in early March, so January vs early March wouldn’t make much difference in terms of temperature. However, the days are longer by March, so if you open windows when you get home then it will be a bit light outside and not full dark.

    7. FWIW, I think that your timeline for either is probably going to be longer. Never have I ever met a contractor that delivered on a project truly on time and we’ve done a lot of renos, large and small. And when we’re calculating literally days (vs weeks or months), I’d expect 5 days to end up being 2 weeks. And 1.5 weeks possibly 2-3 weeks.

      I’d go with B because they can start sooner and the price differential is negligible. A Feb/March timeline could easily become March/April.

      1. I was told to double both time and cost estimates when renovating and felt it was good advice.

        1. Couldn’t agree with this more. Also 5 days seems just insane and I would triple it or more.

    8. Are you getting new cabinets? The maker/style of the cabinets would be a major factor in my decision.

    9. Having done many renovations, I’d assume twice the timeline they give you. 5 days is never 5 days. Assume whomever you use will take a month and be pleasantly surprised when they are done earlier. I am pretty shocked you are getting any kind of kitchen reno done in a week that involves flooring- I assume it’s LVP? You need easily a week for hardwood.

      Check references. Use the contractor you feel most comfortable with. If only one has done projects in your town in the past 6 months, use that one.

      In the grand scheme of kitchen renos, $500 is nothing. I am assuming this project is $15k+ since it includes flooring.

      1. +100 on checking references! The timelines they are giving you don’t mean much in the absence of feedback from recent customers for similar projects… I wouldn’t get distracted by a $500 difference on a project this size, but these people will be working in your house, while you live in it.

    10. I would go with A but I would also not believe the 5 day estimate and I’d cushion the price in your budget by about 50%.

      1. +1 Any large project seems to be at least 50% more in time and budget. 5 days is super quick. Does this include the day or two you need for your floor boards to acclimate in your home before install, etc. Are there any permits involved with this project?

        I’d probably go with A as well, but depends who you got the best “feel” from, as you will need to be comfortable with them if there are any setbacks

    11. My last friend who had a similar kitchen reno (new tile floor, new cabinets, new counters and backsplash, paint) had it take a total of a month.
      If you can order all the material and appliances ahead of time and have them stored, and nothing goes wrong, it’s possible. But I would be skeptical that contractor A will be able to start on time if they are accounting for 5 days for the full reno and presumably are booked up until then.

    12. I’d struggle to believe either contractor’s timeline, but 5 days sounds completely unrealistic. So B for the simple reason that you want a contractor who’ll tell you the truth.

      Telling the other contractor is as simple as “thank you, we’ve decided to go with another contractor”

    13. If you haven’t already I would check both out with the Better Business Bureau and the state contractor licensing office, to see if there have been any complaints against them.

  4. Curious about what other extended families do regarding gifting equality with different numbers of kids.

    I’m one of 3 sibling. I have 2 kids, my brother has 3 and my sister does not intend to have kids. My parents have gifted all of their grandkids money in college funds. They’ve given evenly amongst the grandkids, but didn’t give my sister and her husband a similar gift.

    What do your families do? What do you think is fair?

    1. It’s their money to do with as they wish. My folks haven’t gifted a cent. Sure, free money would be nice, but it’s not mine to decide or have any feelings about.

      1. +1

        The money is for the grandkids, not their parents. If it was money for whatever it should be fairly distributed, but if it’s specifically for college then this sounds fair.

    4. Mostly I’m curious why this has come up as a question. Someone (you? your sister?) must think it’s unfair, or you wouldn’t be taking an internet poll about it first thing on a Monday morning. I don’t think I’d use “fair” as an evaluator here. Your parents have chosen to be generous to their grandchildren. Presumably, your parents have thought through their will and that is when their children will receive an inheritance.

    5. Agree, if this money is specifically to fund college I think it’s fair. Your sister doesn’t have those expenses and your brother will have more college expenses than you will, so no one in your generation is really coming out “ahead” relative to siblings if the parents are partially or fully funding college for each kid. If they move beyond college to just general gifting to grandkids then it gets a little dicier IMO.

    6. That feels fair. My grandma doesn’t do presents, but puts money in all the great grandkids college funds. Which makes me slightly nervous that there’s an account out there with my son’s social on it, and we live internationally.

      My brother-in-law has 4 adult children and we’ve reverted to a group present, after years of buying random things off wishlists. We’ve also opted out of gifts for grown adults, which has been really controversial but I don’t think not buying someone a baking pan or a pack of tshirts off a wishlist is super crucial to holiday joy.

    7. I think there are many ways to approach fair and you can see this reflected in intestacy laws across the country but as I always tell my kids, fair does not necessarily mean equal.

      1. Yes. My dad has been very forthcoming about this. I am one of 4 siblings. Brother is running the family farm. When my parents pass, the rest of us will be treated very generously but for obvious reasons, my brother stands to get more. My parents have been very clear about what is going to happen. Basically, “if you’re mad, tell us now so we can work through it and there are no hard feelings beyond the grave.”

        OP, your parents’ arrangement seems fair to me. It is a college fund, which is separate from any inheritance or whatnot.

    8. I think that sounds fair but I’d also keep that in mind when your parents pass that they may have (or plan to) give a larger share of the estate to your sibling without children so as to even things up.
      We also don’t give gifts to adults in our family and as the ‘kids’ age into teens/20s it’s increasingly becoming a gift card/money swap so we’ll likely stop soon with those.

    9. My siblings have 2 and 1 kid each one. I do not have children. My parents make to each kid a similar gift for each ocasion (Xmas, birthdays and so on). My siblings decided (in their own) that adults will not continue receiving presents at Xmas.
      Since the children were born I am the one receiving a gift every year or my parents covering certain splurges for me (as Lasik surgery). My parents were quite clear with me that they were trying to balance how much money they were giving to each household and that I was a household too.
      My siblings dont know.

    10. My family has learned to view these types of things as gifts rather than entitlements. The best way we have found to do this is to maintain a veneer of polite ignorance, not publicize either the giving or receiving, and operate from a baseline of expecting nothing.

      1. My MIL and her partner did a bizarre PPT where they presented percentages to each kid (my husband got an extra 4% on the basis of him being his mum’s biological kid, his mum having all the assets when his stepmum moved in, penniless with her 20 something kids). And then 3 months later, they came back and said the stepkids kicked off and they were splitting it equally.
        Polite ignorance is definitely the way to go. My husband was unfussed by the actual money as we assume it’ll all go to elder care, but the 4% really stung?

      2. “operate from a baseline of expecting nothing”
        This is the way. I genuinely don’t understand the idea that you’re entitled to anything your parents have once you’re an adult.

    11. It sounds like the intent is the grandkids college fund, and that they have given equally to each kid. Totally fair.
      I’m confused why your sister would need or want something meant only for grandkids?

    12. Have they paid for other things that would apply to all 3 people – such as money towards a wedding or mortgage? Or grad school? I don’t think the grandkids money is unfair because its for a specific purpose, but I would want to make sure that the no-kids sister isn’t being left out of things.

    13. Grandma contributes to 529 funds for the the children of the two siblings in my family who have children. She does not contribute to non-existent 529 funds for non-existent children of the third sibling. There is no controversy or question about the fairness of this set-up in my family. (This is a separate matter from how mu family handles Christmas gifts.)

    14. My father gives a lot of money to my sisters kids for college and I have no kids. He doesn’t give me equivalent money but he is generous with me in different ways that feel appropriate!

      1. Yes, my only thought is I hope the parents are generous with the childfree kids as well in different ways.

    15. I think that is fair. Not that it is anyone else’s business, but if I were Grandma, I would leave my estate equally to my 3 children (per stirpes), and not otherwise allocate anything significant to the grands. Lifetime gifts, however, would be per capita.

      1. I disagree about the per capita lifetime gifts, as someone from a family with a big range of ages in the last two generations. It doesn’t make sense to me that the older grandkids go to college free with grandad’s gifts for 20 years, but the younger ones are left out because they were only around for 0-5 years before grandad died.

    17. I’m one of 3 siblings, married and am childfree by choice. One sister has two kids + one on the way, and the other sister just got married and intends to have 2-3 kids. DH and I married early in our twenties and have good stable careers and haven’t needed any financial assistance or gifts. My sisters have had different financial situations and have received much more help from my parents, and I think they have given the grandkids money in college funds. I totally and completely do not care, and do not expect any kind of evening up. That would feel really bizarre to me. I don’t feel that my nieces and nephew receiving monetary gifts is taking away from me. I suppose on paper it technically is when the inheritance all shakes out, but I don’t feel any sense of ownership of my parents money at all.

    18. I think if your parents’ intention is to help pay for college for grandkids, then they should gift to the grandkids equally.

      With all things family and money, my approach is to expect nothing, be grateful for anything, and never worry about what someone else gets. It’s not your money.

    19. Yeah I had a siblings say it wasn’t fair that all of the families had different numbers of kids, and it was received as nothing but petty. People should gift however they are moved to gift.

    20. To answer your broader question about gifting, it depends on the nature of the gift and the financial situation of the gift giver. I have niblings who are ~10 years younger than me. My parents stopped putting my name on gifts for them when I was 16. Sorry but at 16 (or 26, frankly) I couldn’t afford to give my sibling a nice gift and also get stuff for the kids. My other sibling who had no children got a gift. Sibling with kids thought this was unfair and declared an end to gift giving as soon as the youngest hit 18. They now don’t give to my kids, which I think is sh!tty. Like, I spent money from my part time minimum wage job and work study to buy your kids the newest video game, but now you’re in your 50s and well off but won’t even send my kids a book. And then wonder why we’re not close. Harumph.

      But I think college funds are different. Just because your parents are helping with college for the grandkids doesn’t mean their childless child is entitled to a share. But, if the childless child has outstanding student debt because your parents wouldn’t pay for their education, then I can see how they would have feelings about your parents paying for grandkids’ education.

    21. First and in response to OP’s question: Giving money equally to grandchildren would be viewed as entirely fair in my family even if one “side” of the family does not benefit from that.

      But also, one of my my grandmother elected to bypass her two children and split her estate equally between my two cousins (my uncle’s children) and me. That meant I got one-third instead of my one-half “share”. And I was completely fine with that. It was her money and she got to do whatever she wanted with it. I was grateful for what she left me and we had a great relationship.

    22. I think it’s fair for parents to spend/give their money exactly as they wish. They earned it, they get to choose where it goes.

      That said, I will say that my parents subsidized my deadbeat, failure-to-launch brother until the day they died, and I thought that was gross for a variety of reasons that did not include me thinking that money should have come to me instead. (It was more that I spent the last few years of my parents’ lives worrying that they would run out of money and I’d have to support them, which mercifully didn’t happen.)

      1. Yeah, my parents did some things financially for my brother that I didn’t like because I thought they perpetuated an unhealthy relationship dynamic (trying to control his choices through financial support on their end; relying on them instead of making his own choices on his part), but I didn’t care about the actual dollars. They provided massive amounts of non-financial support to me when I moved back to my hometown as a single, emotionally shattered suddenly divorced woman (everything from dealing with my movers to handling my grocery shopping, until I was up to speed on my new job and felt like I was on an even enough keel to deal with the million small stresses of life management) and that was worth more than money.

    23. Neither my parents nor my in-laws have done college funds for the grandkids. While the money would be nice I feel like the money would come with strings/lectures that I could live without and my kids would not appreciate (e.g., MIL thinks fully-online college is equivalent to Ivies, one of my parents is fixated on ROTC).

      My retired parents have said they want to divide up their money equally between me and my sister, but they are now living in my sister’s neighborhood and I know she’ll have more of the eldercare burden as they age (they are pushing 80). While I’d probably be ticked off if they give everything to her, I’m not pushing for a completely even distribution. In all likelihood they will spend down their assets and it will mostly be distributing china.

      MIL and FIL got married after having kids (and divorcing) their first spouses. They didn’t have any additional kids, so all five boys are stepbrothers. My MIL wants all of their money (which is substantial) to go to my husband and BIL, nothing to the others. I don’t think my FIL would make the same decision, but I don’t know their actual will terms.

      1. I’d be surprised if my husband’s bio father left him anything, but you never know.

    24. My mom did the same — equivalent gifts to grandkids, even though her kids had different numbers of kids.
      One thing she did though that I think was a good idea was keep track of annual other giving (private school tuition, or other gifts — actually the planners kept track of it) and then at the end of the year there was a “true up” amount where any inequivalence was noted. They kept track of this every year. When she died, the difference was subtracted from her estate. Same for loans. My siblings borrowed large amounts of money from her to buy their homes. I didn’t. So I inherited more when she died because they had to pay off the loans to the estate. I think this felt fair to all of us.

    25. Thanks all! My parents are wonderful and generous, but strongly believe in giving to the three of us completely evenly. It caused some tensions amongst us kids growing up and I don’t view equal to always mean fair. As adults, my husband and I make significantly more than my siblings do and the continued insistence on equal gifts is a little awkward. For example, my brother couldn’t afford a new water heater so my parents gifted him one and then gave my sister and I an equal amount of cash.

      It’s their money, they can do whatever they want with it and I do truly appreciate their generosity. My opinions are sometimes skewed because of that upbringing and I just wanted a reality check of how others tend to do it.

      1. Genuinely curious, as I have 4 kids, how their desire to give you and your siblings an equal amount led to tensions. I grew up as an only child, so I’m somewhat muddling through what a big family looks like.

        1. I can see how this would happen. Imagine if you have two kids, and one takes violin lessons while the other takes dance lessons. If the parents feel the need to give equally to each kid and one of the lessons costs more than the other, then maybe they give the kid with the cheaper lessons something in addition to bring the spend up to the same amount as the kid with the more expensive lessons. Or if the dance kid does three different dance classes, does that mean the violin kid also needs to add two more activities to make it equal? Even if they don’t want to add other activities? Most parents wouldn’t do that, but parents who feel the need to treat each kid “equally” might.

        2. My mom was also one of 3 kids and her mom had a favorite, so wasn’t equal or fair. My mom never wanted that for us, but I feel like she overcorrected. Every single little thing had to be equal and if all three of us couldn’t have something, none of us could.

      2. I think your parents are doing fine. I agree that fair and equal is not the same thing, but I think that they have chosen a way to do it that makes it easy for them, and that’s a good thing.

        Because they always gift you and your sister as well if your brother has an emergency, they have given themselves permission to be able to give him what he needs without feeling bad that the two of you being ignored. It’s probably easier for them to be generous to him because of this.

        Because they always gift equally, they know that all three of you know that nobody has been singled out at any time, and this probably gives them peace of mind in terms of inheritance. Maybe one of them has seen real unfairness or weird inheritance behavior and wants to make sure you can stay friends.

        In your case I would view this as the quirk that makes it easy for them to support your brother.

    26. My parents gifted college funds roughly evenly between the two kids (me (3) and my brother (2)). My in-laws gift money to my SIL’s kids for college but not mine (and certainly not to my childless BIL and SIL) (this is because we are significantly better off than my SIL).

  5. Good Monday!

    I have a close friend with a financial issue. Income is periodically (monthly?) deposited into a trust, and then distributed to family members. Her dad is responsible for distributing said profits, but sometimes knowingly underpays or does not pay her. She has spoken with other distributees and this happens to them as well. Amounts vary, so she does not know whether Dad has been siphoning funds until she receives yearly tax forms, which are sometimes way off. Last year, her tax bill itself was higher than the total $ she received.
    How common is this, where a bad executor(?) screws over the trust recipients? She thinks that typically trusts of this nature are overseen/distributed by either law or accounting firms. Assuming Dad is uncooperative, would trust recipients have to sue dad to re-assign control to a responsible entity?

    1. She should consult with an attorney in her area ASAP. This happens very, very frequently. Jurisdiction may matter for issues related to removing dad as trustee.

    2. You will want an attorney in the state where the trust was created. The beneficiaries of the trust can ask for an accounting of the trust assets and if there is indeed a problem, to have a different executor appointed.

      1. +1. There is also a chance that the trust is fully discretionary, meaning that the trustee has no obligation to make distributions and can make distributions of varying amounts to different beneficiaries (even to the exclusion of others). There is also a chance her dad is not fulfilling his duties as Trustee. She needs to talk to a T&E lawyer.

  6. If you could only shop at 5 retailers for clothes, what would they be?

    I’ll go first:
    – Beyond Yoga
    – Abercrombie
    – Sezane
    – Alex Mill
    – Lake pajamas

    1. Madewell
      Anthropologie
      Old Navy
      Poshmark
      Goodwill
      I know the last 2 are cop outs but honestly, they are where the bulk of my shopping dollars go (including buying Madewell & Anthro items secondhand)

    2. I’m with you on Beyond Yoga and Abercrombie!
      My other three are & Other Stories, Madewell, and Reformation

    4. I don’t think I even use 5 retailers.

      -Old Navy
      -Gap
      -J. Crew Factory

      My budget is a lot lower than most people on here. :)

      2. Yeah, mine would be
        Old Navy
        Target
        Duluth Trading
        Walmart
        And Wacoal at Nordstrom for bras

    5. Bravissimo and M&S for lingerie, hosiery, nightwear and sportswear
      John Lewis or similar department store for workwear and occasionwear
      Uniqlo for basics
      &Other stories for trend
      Ebay

    6. J crew
      Anthropologie
      Sezane
      LL Bean (I’m from New England, I’m basically required to wear clothes from here)
      Gap (I’ve found the have the best PJs and workout gear).

      1. I baby them and hang to dry, but if you size up they’ll be fine. Regardless of drying they will shrink after washing, especially length-wise.

    8. Eileen Fisher
      LL Bean
      Nordstrom (does that count or do you want brands)
      Land’s End primarily for cashmere
      Talbots for pants

    9. Since I have champagne taste and a beer budget, all of my favorite retailers are local second hand stores.
      I only buy undergarments and shoes new, plus the occasional thing I can’t find second hand, and tend to shop around at different stores for those.

      1. Yeah I made a list above of brands I look for but about 75% of what I actually buy is from eBay or Mercari.

    10. Theory Factory
      MM LaFleur
      Everlane
      Madewell
      Vuori

      This is already where almost all of my clothes are from, with an occasional piece from elsewhere.

    11. 1 department store – Nordstrom (all of my tights/bras/sleepwear/work shoes/workout clothes etc. seem to come from here)
      2 mall stores – Jcrew (can Jcrew factory and Madewell also count as part of Jcrew?) and Brooks Brothers (85% of my daily work clothing)
      1 ‘fancy’ store – The Fold (the 15% of work clothes when I need to be presenting)
      1 ‘ladies who lunch’ store – Lilly Pulitzer (weekend/golf/swimwear)

    12. – Quince
      – Banana Republic (tee-shirts on sale)
      – Vuori
      – Target (True & Co bras)
      – Anthropologie (though I loved it a lot more 15 years ago)

    13. Paige jeans
      Under Armour
      Rebecca Taylor
      Vince
      Tahari (my job requires suits and their suits are extremely flattering and last forever)

    16. I’m all over the map in terms of price point: Elie Tahari, Peruvian Connection, Madewell, Talbots and Chaus.

  7. Ugh, it’s been so grey and rainy for weeks and my winter blues are settling in early (normally not til January or February). I felt like I’ve done loads better the last 2 years but this hit me out of nowhere.

    Yesterday, I sobbed that I hated my new job (maybe true, but too soon to tell…) and our town (only a little…) this weekend. I’m taking my vitamin d, using my SAD lamp, I naturally get a lot of exercise and outdoor time on my commute, etc. Any other miracle cures?

    1. Put up your holiday stuff and clear out some closets. The lights are cozy and happy and when you’re organized you feel good.

      1. My husband put up Christmas lights this weekend (our neighbours think we’ve lost it but they are really pretty and cozy) and I’ve got some nice candles and a warm light in my home office.

        My work office overhead lights have been out for a week, despite my protests, and I’m tempted to just bring a string of Christmas lights. Or a headlamp.

    2. Plan a vacation! Always cheers me up. Bonus if it can be someplace warm and sunny. Or at the very least, a staycation, or, a facial or massage.

      1. I took lexapro one bad winter, but it was a really hard transition onto it and it didn’t feel worth it considering I feel better once the snowdrops start to emerge. Especially as I’m functional, generally quite cheerful, just could cry at any moment.

        Californian in Scotland is quite possibly the worst combination.

        1. I was on Lexapro last year and liked it OK, but I gained weight and felt tired and brain-foggy all the time. Wellbutrin has been a total game changer for my mood. I told my husband I was happy with life recently and he said “I think that’s the first time you’ve said that in the 15 years I’ve known you.” I actually have energy now, and motivation to do things. Like, a totally different experience on Wellbutrin vs Lex

    4. I am feeling the same way! Just so exhausted and run down and also taking several preventative measures (SAD lamp, plenty of outdoor exercise, vitamin D, sleeping 8 hours a night, eating lots of fruit and veggies, and I’m on a SNRI). It’s even been a shockingly sunny fall where I am but the winter blues are hitting hard.

    6. Feeling the same way and already on Wellbutrin. Not even in the mood to buy a cozy new sweater. I just want it to be April already.

    7. Have you talked to your doctor? You might want to have your D levels, etc. checked.

    8. Kind of a jokey reply, but being in the sun isn’t always wonderful. I live in Florida and love fashion. I run a bit hot all the time. Today I got to put on a lightweight cardigan first thing in the morning, but it is now too hot for more than a tee shirt. Do you know how boring it gets to wear the same tees all year? If I see another fashion post about the joys of layering…..

      1. Haha, and meanwhile I’ve got a tank top, a long-sleeved tshirt, a sweater, and a teddy bear fleece. I look like the michelin man :)

    9. Lean into the hygge when you’re home. A cozy place to sit and drink tea, a book or audiobook, maybe a new knitting project if you knit. Something like that.

      1. I do a glam version of this in winter, dinners by candlelight, cocktail hour during the week (can be nonalcoholic as long as you use a crystal cut glass), cashmere loungewear, fires, candlelight, jazz music playing in the background etc. It’s actually my favorite time of year.

    10. I agree with many of the suggestions above. One more that I’d add is embrace winter! During COVID I started doing an outdoor exercise class in winter and it helped me to stop hating winter so much (partly bc I was still getting to spend time outside and probably the extra sunlight helped too). What do you like doing? Even a regular walk with a friend might help. Hugs!

    12. I would try to separate winter blues from feeling unhappy about things that are making you unhappy. You can’t cure a job that’s a poor fit with vitamin pills and a lamp. If anything, the pressure to be upbeat may be making it harder for you to enjoy what is enjoyable this time of year. I would lower your expectations of yourself and feel the feelings even if it means sobbing on occasion. I sobbed last week watching Love Actually and feel better for doing so!

      1. Yeah, definitely true. I am 50/50 on the job versus the weather, but I’m an academic so I’m stuck here for awhile, so trying to make the best of it.

        1. Didn’t your job have you traveling most weeks? You might have a “me time” deficiency. If you are used to being on your own for most of the week, you might be feeling down after so much concentrated time with your family. Or, if you had more flexibility when you were traveling to see friends, go shopping, or be independent, you might be feeling depressed at being tied to your home and job only, since you probably feel more of an obligation to be at your house.

          1. Gosh, I think you might have nailed it. See, there are benefits from using a distinct username rather than anon.

            My new job is far away, but I do it in day trips rather than overnights, so I’m quite tired from the 2x a week commute, and I don’t get into the city / out and about as much because when I’m on campus, I’m teaching most of the day and don’t have pals like I did in the old city.

  8. Speaking of winter blues, does anyone have a recommendation for a SAD lamp? I want one that is actually therapeutic and not just a bright decorative lamp.

    2. Someone mentioned these Sunrise Sensation lamps on Corporette last year, and I got the Daybright and really like it: https://www.sunrise-sensations.com/

      I don’t officially have SAD but I find the lamp makes it easier to get out of bed on winter mornings (I turn it on right when my alarm goes off, and have it on while I read for a bit before I get up and while I’m getting ready). I also like the way it looks when it’s off, it goes well with my other furniture. I particularly like that it has a remote, so I can put the lamp in a different part of the room but turn it on without getting up.

  9. I’m trying to move from giving stuff to consumables. So, tell me your favorite luxurious treats that make good gifts!

    (I’m particularly looking for a rec for a good hot chocolate if you have one.)

    2. If you know they like tea, the French tea brands. Mariage Freres, Palais de Thes. I like nice jam, fair trade chocolate.
      And if you’re really fancy, that amazing Aesop soap.

      3. Another Mariage Freres recommendation. They have a lot of amazing blends for every taste and the boxes are pretty (I use them to store pencils and makeup brushes). I like Marco Polo (fruity), Casablanca (mint and orange blossom), and all of their Christmas teas.

    3. I get over-sugared at the holidays, so I like anything that’s not sweet: spices, olive oil, vinegar, etc. I seem to keep coming across recipes that call for black vinegar and I don’t have any so I’d love it if someone bought me some! Maybe the expensive chile crisp to see if it’s way better than the Trader Joe’s version?

        2. Thanks, i actually almost bought that one. But that’s way more than I usually pay for vinegar, so I thought I should wait until I either get around to going to a store that might have it cheaper or I ask for it from someone who wants to get me something I wouldn’t splurge on.

    5. Penzey’s spices. You can make your own gift box, do individuals for stocking stuffers, or a bunch of other options.
      “Justice” seasoning is the best thing to happen to popcorn since popcorn.
      Rancho Gordo beans are also great.
      Neither of these need to be used right away (I try not to gift consumables that are perishable).

    6. I love getting wine, cheese, tea, flowers / plants, fun spices or sauces. I also like fun beauty or self are products: face masks (or rye or lip), good nail polish, nice lotion.

    8. It’s not terribly original, but See’s candy is great. Dark chocolate bordeaux is my favorite.

      1. + a million to See’s Candy. I like the nuts and chews assortment but if I’m in-store I make my own assortment – heavy on the California brittle, the Mayfair, and all of the chocolate covered nuts – dark chocolate where available.

        1. See’s Candy 4evah (notwithstanding my post below). I like the assorted assortment of everything all mixed together.

    9. Angelina drinking chocolate
      Zingerman’s gift baskets
      Eataly
      American Spoon
      The Spice House

    10. For a retirement gift, somebody sent me a fancy box of chocolalte turtles from Bridgewater Chocolates in Connecticut, and it was one of my favorite gifts. Beautifully packaged and DELICIOUS.

    11. I don’t like ingredient gifts that require me to add them to some recipe I’m cooking — or figure out what kind of recipe to add them to. Sauces, spices, vinegars, oils, salts, syrups, rubs, etc. languish in my pantry.

      I prefer stuff I can eat as-is: fruit, chocolate, cheese/crackers, etc. Or not eat, and gift to someone else.

    12. frans chocolates (the caramels are “simple” but AMAZING), milk bar cookies, levain cookies, penzeys spices, aesop soap and hand lotion, diptyque candles and other fancy candles, savory fancy macadamia nuts (I like Ahualoa Family Farms)

    13. I always make the same comment for these threads – don’t get products that are only made to be gifted.
      Don’t get a novelty flavour oil, but a high quality extra virgin olive oil. Don’t get marshmallow vinegar, bacon toothpaste, or a purple banana liqueur.

      For hot chocolate, I think Green & Black unsweetened plain cocoa is great, maybe together with real maple syrup. I would rather add my own sugar than a pre-mix.

  10. I know there are a lot of NYCers here:

    I have a random day off and nothing planned. I want to plan something so that I feel properly relaxed or at least like I had a good day off. Any suggestions? Thinking QC spa on governors island.

    Staycation things I’ve liked in the past: Movie in the middle of the day, going to coney island, getting a massage. I got a massage on my birthday recently so I was trying to think of more things.

    1. I like Great Jones Spa’s water lounge, or getting a body scrub at Juvenex if you want something more affordable. I also enjoy going to a museum. If it is on a Wednesday you could see a matinee of a play or musical.

      1. +1 to both Juvenex and a matinee (maybe not all together).

        Or go to the Neue Galarie, have coffee and a delicious pastry, look at all the gorgeous art, and then go have a great lunch somewhere nearby. Maybe Via Quadronno for something casual, or Orsay if I wanted something a bit more formal. Or you could walk across Central Park and find something great on the other side. Covacha is lovely (by the museum of natural history).

  11. I have lovely new black leather Chelsea boots. How do I protect them/do I do anything before I wear them? Oil? Conditioner?

  12. Ok Hive – help me out! I’m a partner at a small firm (30 people). I hit all my requirements for the year and want to coast through year end. (I usually have big deadlines in December but none this year.) I will still need to check email every day/attend to or delegate out client needs. My office culture is very much in person. I’m tentatively planning to do mornings in the office Monday- Thursday, except for the week of Thanksgiving and Christmas when I would be fully remote/checked out as much as possible.

    Is this crazy? Have any of you done this? Any tips for sticking to it? It feels illegal to take my foot off the gas, but I could really use some R&R after a crazier than usual year.

    1. Yes people absolutely do this. Routinely. They are usually men. I’m not sure why women think this is problematic but anecdotally they do.

      But also, take an extended vacation. Coasting isn’t that much of a break and it’s not recharging, it just makes work feel like an unnecessary chore. I find it harder to get back into the groove when I’ve been coasting vs after vacation.

      1. +1 take a proper vacation. My experience is that people are more understanding of actual vacation that the perception that someone is just not there. I’d do the second week of December so you can naturally coast into the holidays. Claim you always wanted to see Xmas in [insert city].

    2. I’m doing this now! Work is super slow until after thanksgiving. I am taking one day a week to “wfh” but really just keep an eye on email, and the rest of the time I’m in my office relaxing and researching/taking care of all the life stuff I never have time to do. Like researching new recipes and making weekly meal plans, researching vacations for next year, etc. I also have a couch in my office and a door that closes so sometimes I just close the door like I’m in a meeting but actually just relax on the couch with a book. And I come in late and leave early every day.

    3. What a great idea! Can you sign up for noon or 1 pm exercise or yoga class to make sure you get out of the office every day?

    4. I’m in a much less intense work environment but I often do minimal work from the week before Thanksgiving until mid-January. To be fair we have an official holiday shutdown for almost two weeks and I often use some official PTO, but there’s a lot of slacking in there too.

      I do a lot of baking, reading, TV/movies, organizing house stuff, making our annual photo books, catching up with friends and exercising.

  13. If your boss were to give you a small gift to celebrate the arrival of your new baby because doing so is part of the long-standing corporate culture at Teapots Inc, would you rather have:

    a) a baby blanket with the Teapots Inc logo,

    b) a Tervis sippy cup with a generic teapot (not the Teapots Inc logo) for when baby is older, or

    c) a night light of a generic teapot (not the Teapots Inc logo)?

    I know, I know, cash or GCs would be more appreciated, but they’re not permitted. Would you like one of these? Or do you have another idea for a small token to celebrate baby? Thanks.

    2. The sippy. They are so useful and practically disposable (they break, they start looking gross, they get lost), so the corporate logo or symbol is less of a “thing.”

      2. I thought the same thing. What in the world. Babies don’t need corporate branding. I can see it if you work at, say, a university where there is some emotional tie, but yuck.

      3. My husband’s company gave us a corporate logo baby blanket, also engraved with DD’s name. It’s kind of ugly but great for sitting outside since I don’t care about it staying nice.

    4. I’d prefer not to have work-themed stuff. Can you send me a snack basket full of individually wrapped and easy-to-grab snacks?

      1. +1 This is the way. And, none of what you’ve proposed. Onesies like this go great in a diaper bag or off to daycare as the outfit to keep on hand for back up when there’s an accident.

        Signed, giving birth in 2ish weeks with #2

      2. Ahh I forgot my daughter had a onesie from my workplace and one from my husband’s workplace. At some point we got pictures of her in each of them and our respective coworkers were thrilled. It was so sweet.

      3. Another vote for a onesie, or maybe burp cloths. Something that could save the day in a pinch and doesn’t matter if it is a duplicate gift because they are high-traffic items that get used, wear or grow out quickly, and aren’t precious.

        I would not have used any of the three options. Donating them would have been just another chore, so I would probably “forget” them at the office.

    7. How about a onesie or some baby socks with the logo? Can never have too many of those

    8. Sippy cup! It’s good to have many of those around. I would not use a corporate logo blanket, and nightlights can be hard to get right for someone else (too low, too bright, weird plug).

    11. If it must be a themed token gift, a onesie or or bib or sippy cup with a funny saying or picture related to teapots, but not the corporate logo.

    12. The sippy cup seems kind of cute to me since the adults in my household already have Teapots Inc. logo Yetis.

    13. I’d go with a Tervis sippy cup with a generic teapot or a baby blanket with the logo, provided the logo is just a stitched on label and could easily be removed…

      None of these are great options, why does ot have to be branded or company-adjacent?

      1. +1 to your last sentence. I think it’s cute if the employer is a school or a sports team or some other entity in which people normally wear branded gear. I think it’d grim when it’d a normal company (like a Deloitte onesie would be weird, but a UVA / Washington Nationals / Patagonia onesie is fine bc babies with parents from all sorts of professions wear those, not just employees kids).

    14. I can’t follow the teapot analogy. I dislike branded items so whatever doesn’t have a company logo.

    15. Agreed that an outfit would be the best choice, but I would rather have had a baby blanket than sippy cup or nightlight. A lot of kids never use the latter two items.

    16. Can you find her baby shower registry and see if any small items are left? The bump website has a baby registry finder I believe

    17. My husband’s org had baby onesies with the company logo. They’re a healthcare company and had a cutesy phrase, something like “qualifying life event” or something like that. You could also do a bib.

      Absent that, I’d go with a sippy cup or honestly a coffee mug for the adult.

      1. Haha to Qualifying Life Event.

        I suppose people object to these things because of their beige aesthetic or whatever but kids will choose the gaudiest crap for themselves once they’re old enough to do so. My kid had the UGLIEST company sweatshirt from a “bring your kids in” holiday party at my work and she picked that thing out of the dirty laundry to rewear it unless we hid it.

    18. If it must have a logo, a onesie or one of those teddy bears where the bear can wear a company logo t-shirt. Sippy cups are now subject to trends that not everyone knows about – hard spout ones are the devil, it’s all about the straw cup but which straw cup it is matters, too.

    19. I received a onesie with the firm logo, a blanket with the baby’s name (no logo; from local business), a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine delivered from local wine store, and local ice cream delivery (that came with onesie of the local ice cream chain). I loved all five gifts (especially the consumables!) and still use that blanket in the toddler’s room. I would not want a blanket with the corporate logo. From your options, the sippy cup is the best.

  14. Looking for realistic tips for WFH! I am 53. Computer literate. My whole working life, other than the last 3 years, has been 5-6 days a week in an office. I live close to my office. During the pandemic I was one of the few who was in the office almost every day, working but also doing floor walkthroughs to make sure there weren’t water leaks, trespassers, etc. My office tried a return to work policy last year but people just didn’t come back. My office announced it will no longer lease this space starting in February- so my job will be fully remote. I don’t mind virtual meetings and don’t blame my coworkers who love the lack of commute. Every time I work from home, I struggle – I start doing home tasks, or just want to sit on the couch. I want to get better at working from home, but I can’t seem to get into a rhythm of more than a couple hours. Did any of you struggle with this? My kids are all out of the house, they tell me just to get used to it or go for a walk. I just can’t get into a groove!

    1. It sounds like you have only worked from home sporadically – that makes it hard to get into a routine. I’d give it a few weeks to get settled in, and lose the mental backstop of ‘if I am not productive today, I’ll make it up tomorrow when I’m back at the office’.

    2. Well, I see it as a bonus that I get to do home stuff and sit on the couch when I WFH. :) As long as I’m getting everything done, I don’t think it’s a problem.

    3. Try setting up a space that is as office-like as possible. Treat going into that space like you were going into the actual office. If possible, have it in a dedicated room with a door. If your normal office hours were 9 to 5 with a one hour lunch break, go into the home office at 9 and shut the door, don’t leave until lunch unless you need to, and go right back in after lunch. The other options would be to find places to work outside of your home like a library or a co-working space.

    4. I’ve had a fully remote job for years and years. Some of this will depend on your job, but for me, mornings are the heads down, solid work, sitting at a desk and pounding out the work. At lunch time I take a long walk, and then eat when I get back — I am online but only half paying attention to my computer. Afternoons have a lot of online meetings, or reading/researching onlines, and that is fully done from my couch. I do take advantage of being at home to do laundry during the day or maybe one or two other household tasks, but they needed to be short enough to fit in the time that I am changing focus from project to project.

    6. I’m in my late 30s with ADHD and have a harder time working from home, but agree with other posters that the two things that have made it easier for me are a dedicated office space that I am in for work, and making work from home a routine in the same way that work in the office is. On days I’m at home, I wake up at the same time as I would for the office, do my normal morning routine (even if I’m dressing more casually), and take breaks in a more structured way. My lunch break is often to actually cook something, or to go on a walk, etc.

    7. I agree with the other posters but I also struggled with this when my job went remote in 2020. Two things that helped were putting on real pants (jeans) instead of comfy pants and wearing socks and slippers (I don’t wear shoes in the house) instead of being barefoot. I would also do my morning arriving-in-the-office routine before sitting down at my desk. Wash my hands, make a cup of tea, clear my desk, review my email and to do list while drinking the tea, then start on work. After a couple of weeks I adjusted to it and it got easier.

      1. +1 to getting dressed for work. It makes a huge difference for me, and I want to feel zoom ready at any time! I get up, have tea/breakfast while monitoring emails on my phone and figuring out my meetings and to-dos for the day, then I go back upstairs and shower, get dressed, and do a minimal skincare/light makeup routine. It makes me feel like my work day has started. I’ve been doing it since 2020.

      2. A couple years older than OP and 100% remote since March 2020. I wore socks but no shoes until late 2022, whereupon I had very painful ankle issues. Orthopedic surgeon ordered me to wear shoes with off-the-shelf orthotics for arch support. (I have indoor-only clogs with the inserts, so no dirt-tracking-in-the-house issues.) Has made a big difference.

    8. Yup, I struggled for 2 years (aka the pandemic) because I had to, and then was back in the office when I could be. I tried the hybrid WFH M/F and in office T/W/Th, and that was just too much disruption and I just found it easier to leave home 5 days a week. I needed to be away from home so I don’t get distracted by home things, and I didn’t feel nagged by work when I was home (even with a dedicated office space). Being in the office also means I actually get more movement in during the day.

      So – what can you do to minimize the distractions? Pack your lunch and take into your home office with you? Plan a lunchtime walk to get some movement in? Do a morning walk to simulate the morning commute? Find a co-working space so you are simulating the office experience?

  15. My cousin is applying to law school, and my aunt wants to get him a law related present. I’m not a lawyer myself, but wanted to check with you all – is there anything that would be useful for someone planning to go to law school next fall?

    1. I think the best gifts for grad students are things that make life easier. I’m currently in grad school and I have no time but also no money to outsource or throw money at the problem. Things like grocery gift cards or the offer to pay for a visit from a cleaning service would be great.

      If he’s moving for law school, tickets to something in his new city would be good.

    2. I’d personally save the law related gifts until graduation or passing the bar. For just going to law school, gift cards to his preferred coffee shops.

    3. Presumably, he will be interviewing for first-year clerkships in the fall of his first year of law school, so an interview suit if he does not have one.

    4. I wouldn’t do anything until he’s been admitted and decided to go. The last thing you want is him committing to a bad school and taking on huge amounts of debt because he feels like his family is wrapped up in the idea of him becoming a lawyer. Stick with generic gifts for now.

      2. Yes, applying to law school is not the event to celebrate — enrolling in and attending the first day of law school would be more appropriate for a law school-related gift. He hasn’t even been accepted, for goodness sakes — what if he isn’t admitted? If your aunt insists, then perhaps she can offer to gift him the cost of an LSAT prep course?

      3. This! Maybe he doesn’t get in, maybe he realizes it’s not with the cost, maybe he chooses to take a gap year and ends up liking what he does and never goes to law school.

        Even if he does go to law school, that’s like 9 months away. If she’s dead set on a “law school gift” she can get him one closer to when he actually starts, in August 2024.

        Besides, there’s nothing specific about law school that he’d need. Any other gift for a 20 something would apply. Any other gift for a busy and poor student of any subject would apply.

        +1 to the caveat about the suit, but IMO everyone should have a suit. Even if you don’t need them for work or interviews, he’ll need one for weddings and funerals.

    5. My uncle (an attorney) got me a Black’s Law Dictionary as a “going to law school” gift. I actually love it. And it’s not totally unreasonable if he ultimately decides not to go.

      1. I don’t know if this is still a thing, but I won multiple Black’s as awards for some grade or another.

    6. I like the suit idea, thanks! I agree with you all that it seems very early to get him anything, but she wants to get something to support him – hes in the middle of studying for the LSAT now.

      Her first suggestion was to get him a subscription to a law journal – I’m not entirely sure what she’s thinking there, as my understanding is that those are hyper legal and dense and boring. No one in my family is a lawyer, maybe she thought there’s a fun “how to be a lawyer” magazine? Ha. I did talk her out of that already!

      1. Definitely not a law journal subscription. Those are for law professors and not actually used by practicing attorneys (for the most part) and if he goes to law school, he will have access to those for free through the library.

        If he’s studying for the LSAT now the best thing to get him is LSAT prep books or courses. That will have the longest term benefit on his life. Once he is accepted and enrolled at law school then give him something law or law school related, but I agree with prior posters that he may not end up going to law school (and that would be a good decision for many, many people).

        1. +1. If she wants to support him in the application process, focusing on LSAT materials and supports would be the best way to have a positive impact. Agreed with all above posters who note that it’s likely that it’s a bad financial decision for him to go, but the better his LSAT score and GPA are, the more likely he is to get scholarships, etc. that would make enrolling a better financial risk to take.

      2. He should get free access to law journals once he starts law school. So no I would not give someone something they will get for free.

        There are a couple of legal writing books that are sometimes recommended here, but he might get those in his first year anyway. I like the idea of getting a fancy leather bound version of Black’s. Classic and pretty. If you want to be more practical, a GC to Jos. A. Banks or similar.

      3. Maybe she can get him a nice pen, like a cross century ballpoint pen — that seems like a “lawyerly” type of gift, especially for non-lawyers, and it could be a nice memento whether or not he ends up going to law school.

    7. Not law school specific but broke grad student – I really liked having a hoody from my school, but couldn’t justify buying the overpriced bookstore ones, and really appreciated my parents sending me one that first year. For when he knows where he’s going, of course

  16. Help me come up with a nice script. I’m on the (volunteer) board of a charitable org that recently hired a new admin assistant (W2 employee) for the org’s CEO (W2 employee). The admin does a lot of scheduling for the board. She is a very nice person. I’m not sure if she is still learning the ropes, is disorganized, or doesn’t understand that the board members are volunteers not employees, or some combination of all three. She doesn’t give board members enough notice to do stuff; for example, she’ll send the board packet an hour before the meeting – we expect everyone to have read the material before the meeting – and she asks for responses to things like meeting invite with a few hours’ notice during the work day. These are things she’s had for days or weeks, she just delays and then asks for an immediate response. A bunch of us have talked to the CEO and this has improved somewhat.

    I was just elected to chair the board so I’m now having more interaction with the admin. She’s continuing to create fake emergencies – nothing mission critical (yet). I have said something every time this has happened; a delay on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine, you need to get things to me sooner. Recently, when my OOO was on, she contacted my assistant (I’m in biglaw) for a response to one of these fake emergencies. I was annoyed before; now I’m mad. My assistant does not work for you, she is not involved in the org at all, and she has important work and actual emergencies to deal with on a Friday afternoon, she does not need the emotional upset of receiving high importance flagged emails that she can’t do anything about. I responded immediately and apologized to my assistant. But I need to have a talk with the admin and maybe the CEO. Again she’s a nice person and she’s doing her best and maybe she doesn’t understand that my assistant is not a personal assistant. I’m having trouble coming up with a script that is both nice and communicates directly that this is totally unacceptable and will not happen again.

    1. I work for a nonprofit and you need to talk to the CEO, not her. She reports to the CEO, and the CEO needs to lay down the law with her. The CEO ought to be extremely concerned with keeping their board chair happy, and they understand the board/staff dynamic better than anyone. Really, this is the CEO’s problem – just let them know what is happening.

      2. +1. Especially since it sounds like you have been very clear with her already. I would also possibly start ccing in the CEO when replying to her fake emergencies as well, so he sees firsthand what is happening. As a boss who sometimes has to handle a couple of my direct reports fake emergencies, it’s much easier to address something that I can directly see and refer.

        1. I thought about copying the CEO with my most recent response and I thought, no that’s mean I shouldn’t tattle on her to her boss I should manage the situation myself. But you’re right, this isn’t an associate or a paralegal in my firm who is out of line. I’m not part of the reporting structure here.

          1. Tattling is entirely the wrong mindframe- you’re reporting to the CEO about problems in the effectiveness in her management chain.

          2. As a board member, you should be about governance, not management. I agree completely with all who have said you need to provide the CEO with info and let them address the issue as the admin’s supervisor.

        2. You’re doing the CEO and the organization a service by telling the CEO. What if she is treating other donors this way who aren’t as nice as you are? CEO needs to know his assistant is making major faux pas ASAP!

      1. I agree. On the nonprofit board I serve on, all staff issues are for the CEO to deal with. We deal with the CEO only. That’s the org chart. CEO reports to the board. Staff report to the CEO. Sometimes the CEO brings staff issues to our attention in her report but only for things like telling us she’s letting someone go, or requesting approval for a new hire (which she finds/interviews i.e., we’re not involved other than approving the funding). I wouldn’t even reply to this Admin. I would forward her email to the CEO and tell him/her that this is unacceptable and that you and the rest of the board expect (i) minutes to be sent a day before the meeting, and (ii) to have at least a day to respond to any invitations. Or whatever the board wants. But it’s up to the CEO to manage this woman. Maybe even fire her.

  17. anyone have the liverpool hoodie blazer (knock off of the veronica beard?) how is the quality?

    1. I don’t have it, but I do have other clothes from Liverpool and have generally been happy with them.

  18. I’m struggling at work. Left big law 3 years ago to go in house. When I was hired, I reported to the GC, and was recruited as “Legal Counsel – M&A” (I did Corporate/M&A in big law and wanted to keep doing it, just at a slower pace). I was happy for the first 2 years or so, then left on maternity leave.
    Now that I’m back (it’s been a few months), a person from my team (there are 5 of us in Corporate/M&A, 15 in legal overall) was appointed Corporate Team Lead so now I report to him. I don’t begrudge him the promotion, I like him and he was senior to me. But it’s weird to report to someone who was previously a peer/work friend, and more importantly to me, this means I now have zero contact with the C-suite, which wasn’t previously the case.
    I feel kind of demoted and undervalued. The work is pretty tedious these days – not much happening in deals, mostly corporate management stuff. On the one hand, it’s a pretty chill job where I’m well paid to do not much, which is convenient with a young child. On the other hand, I’m really bored, there’s more corporate pettiness and infighting than I remembered, and I’m just not seeing any real possibility of professional growth. Do I tough it out until I’m out of the baby phase? Is this just life when you’re in-house? I’m happy I left big law but I’ve always been pushing towards some kind of goal, and am feeling really aimless right now at work.

    1. Oh hi there, twin. I do M&A as well though am not a lawyer and feel all of this. My peer was promoted while I was on maternity leave and I now report to him. In my case, I do have less exposure but feel he’s more supportive of my career overall than my previous manager.

      I have a baby as well and have just decided to suck it up through the baby phase. I can wfh when she’s sick without getting fired or dinged for not coming in though it definitely impacts my career progression and bonuses. When she’s a bit older and not going to bed at 7pm I’ll likely look for something different, but for now I’m drawing boundaries around my time and spending what I can with her.

      1. Oh good to know I’m not alone! I know the answer is probably to tough it out. I’m someone who is either on or off at work, and I’m honestly finding it hard to just coast. I think I need some other project outside of work, but it’s hard to do that with a baby, even though my husband would be supportive if I wanted to go out for a few hours a week or something.

    2. I could have written this 3 years ago. I spent a lot of time crying in my office, baby wasn’t sleeping so that didn’t help. I seriously considered quitting to stay home or become a teacher, go back to private practice. But wow have things changed since. I voiced my frustration to leadership who made the decision and got some tough feedback about why he was promoted and not me. Got the baby sleeping, but also coasted for a bit. It was a rough year, but our relationship got better and I value him as a mentor/peer now. Our roles have both expanded as the company has grown and changed. Seek out a mentor, maybe look for a new in-house role, check in on your mental health too. Once I started sleeping again, I liked my job a lot more.

    3. Hi–This is sort of in-house life–there’s not always a clear upward path. It’s not always exciting. There’s not always a next deal. I too am corporate, and I find this very challenging, following the fast-pace of law firm life and a busier startup, and now we’re all in “prepping for IPO or an exit” land indefinitely.

      I do think the peer-to-manager change is something you roll with, learn that it will become more familiar over time. I also find that as a corporate person, when people act (to me) like talking to the Board is communicating with gods, it’s insane, because I know these people well, have had tons of contact with them, and find them approachable about typical corporate matters.

      The last time I was layered in corporate, I eventually left. The boss put above me was not competent, and even though I did as much as I could to get him up to speed, held his hand, etc., he was really not used to private company work (he came from a huge Fortune 500 company) and his instincts were often overly formalistic or wrong (esp with tax or equity matters) in the private company context.

      I think you have to ask yourself what you want from an in-house job–do you want growth, hustle-bustle, prestige, visibility? Do you want chill, not being busy 40 hours a week? Any anwer is fine–you just need to get in touch with what you’re seeking, and then gently suss out whether it’s possible to get those things in your current org, or in the next six months to a year, if you give it time. Don’t underestimate that the “fun” of an M&A deal might not be super-compatible with a small baby/toddler, and maybe this is not the season for your job to be completely fulfilling.

      I struggle with this super-hard. People don’t talk enough about how hard it is to be a mid-career corporate counsel and having to deal with org changes, extreme siloes, and getting layered. It is hard stuff.

      Post a burner email if you need a commiseration buddy. And congrats on being a new mom!

  19. I don’t care what the young folks are saying on insta and tiktok, I went to the mall yesterday and it was 80% skinny jeans with some wide legs and flares here and there. I was happy to find some straight legged NYDJ!

    2. I would be curious about where you live? Because in my large So Cal city there are a lot of straight legs but basically no skinnies (to the point where I actually notice that the look is dated and I am not a trend/fashion person).

    3. Are you talking about the jeans people were wearing or the jeans that were for sale? I still see lots of skinnies for sale but no one remotely fashionable wearing them.

      1. The skinnies were for sale at Macy’s, Dillards, Loft, WHBM. WHBM had more cute wide legs and high waist with side buttons.

  20. How do you get yourself to SLOW DOWN when work is absolutely chaotic and you’re involved in many projects simultaneously? This sense of urgency is needed, to extent, but it is making me feel like everything is a fire drill. And then I get frustrated that others aren’t working as quickly and I don’t want to be that B that’s breathing down everyone’s throats and sending frantic emails. Things will get better soon but I have to get through the week without annoying myself and others.

    1. I make sure I have everything I’m waiting on or pending written down, usually just a scribbled list on a notepad. Knowing that I wont forget about it in the midst of everything else helps me focus on other things.

    1. Former staffer, current lobbyist. Yes, it does. For hot topic issues, at the end of the day, they don’t really care about the substance of what you write – unless it’s particularly personal and powerful – they just mark you down in a yea or nay column and report that total to the boss. (If there’s a good story like I said above, they might share that.)

      1. Adding a little more color now that I have an extra second to type. A person will read your email, and they’ll use software to enter your contact info, the issue, and yea or nay. Using that software, they can run reports, like, show me every contact we’ve had with this constituent or show me all the responses this week on Senate bill 123.

        For phone calls, when there’s a huge issue and the phones are just ringing off the hook, honestly, every one of us just had a post-it note next to our phone and kept a literal yea or nay tally, and we added it up at the end of the day.

      2. The only time we actually escalated any email was 1) if it was a threat or 2) if it was funny, like the time someone sent in a song about a senior, very public facing staffer

    1. Well that’s kind of terrifying. I guess you should always have a backup bank somewhere, but that certainly ties up capital for a small business or even an individual trying to make rent!

    2. I thought that article was both helpful (in illuminating the issue) but frustrating (in not making clear enough why this happens). The article mentions that SAR filings can’t be disclosed to the customer, but the add-on piece is that banks are under very significant regulatory pressure to not get it wrong on this issue – that’s why a SAR filing very frequently results in an account closure. I work at a large bank – if we filed a SAR but *didn’t* close the account, and then the individual or company turned out to be money laundering, financing terrorism/organized crime, etc. the blowback from our regulator would be massive. Indeed, you can imagine a totally different NYT article about how Big Bank X had suspicions about a customer and even filed a SAR but didn’t close the account, and then the customer turned out to be laundering for Hamas or something. There needs to be some change there (maybe banks that file a SAR aren’t subject to regulatory penalties for keeping the account open unless/until the regulator acts on the SAR, absent additional indicia of criminality or something like that). Otherwise, the risk just feels too great to banks’ internal risk teams.

      1. What needs to happen is that the risk to the bank of closing an innocent consumer’s account needs to be made equal to the risk of allowing cr!me. Banks should face enormous penalties for closing accounts where there is no criminal activity, and the burden should be on the regulator and not the consumer to file against the bank. The system’s incentives are once again aligned against the average person. The consequences of having your checking account closed without warning, your mortgage payment not auto-paid, and your money tied up for months or never returned, and then not being able to open another checking account, would be catastrophic. But no one cares about those risks because they are borne by normal middle-class and working-class people.

        1. Yes, this. I don’t blame the banks for acting this way when the system is set up this way, but we need to have better regulations that actually protect regular people, even if that does mean the occasional person gets away with laundering money.

  23. Does this exist: I’m looking for a zippered expander for the bag I use as my daily work bag and also carryon for work trips, the Lo&Sons Saville. The bag is wide at the bottom and then the front and back panels of the bag come together at the top to zip closed. When I’m traveling, I really need those extra couple of inches in width. If the front and back went straight up instead of meeting at the top, that would be perfect. But I still want it to zip shut. Is there something that will zip to both sides of the zipper to create a couple of extra inches of width along the top of the bag?

    1. I feel like this is something my local leather repair/shoe repair/luggage repair guy could do and it wouldn’t be outrageously expensive, but wouldn’t be cheap either.

    2. Perhaps consider getting another bag that has this panel-zipper-closure feature. Adding it to bags that are designed too narrow at the top would be awkward.

  24. Perhaps consider getting another bag that has this panel-zipper-closure feature. Adding it to bags that are designed too narrow at the top would be awkward.

    1. I was frustrated with recent polling suggesting there is a wide gap in how many people believe Biden is too old for the job and how many think Trump is, given they are just 3 years apart and both seem not at their prime. But his behavior in this moment does suggest that DJT is a baby.

  25. Etiquette question –

    I was out with a group of friends (to be honest, friends of my hid and) and I said “hey let’s have a holiday dinner at my house. I’ll cook.” Everyone was enthusiastic about it but then this one guy (married, but I almost never see his wife so I don’t know what’s up) said yeah, can I invite a bunch of people? I was taken aback and said “how many?” And he said “like ten.” I said “maybe 2 or 3 but not 10, I’m cooking,” and he said “yeah, but people can bring stuff.” I was just firm and said I only had so many spaces to seat people, that it was a dinner and he dropped it.

    In case you’re thinking this is a clueless kid, this is a man in his fifties. We were all standing there in a group so everyone heard this exchange, no one jumped in to help.

    This is the second time people (men) have tried to invite people to my events – one such event was my own birthday party! – so I must be asking wrong. WWYD?

    2. This guy sounds absolutely clueless but I think you can prevent this next time by changing how you propose events and the language you use to invite people. I think you lost him at “let’s”.
      You said: “hey let’s have a holiday dinner at my house. I’ll cook”. He understood ‘let’s collectively do something’ ‘I will host this collective thing at my house’. ‘I am offering to cook for the collective thing’. He suggested ‘I will collaborate by expanding this group.’ ‘I will collaborate by getting other people to bring food so you won’t be alone in cooking’.
      Next time you could say: I am hosting a holiday dinner for close friends. I will invite X# of people. I’d love to have you there!
      Their response should then be “what can I bring?”

      2. I am one of those people who don’t want you to bring anything. I am cooking! I am the host! Bring yourself, and, if you must, flowers, coffee, or desert. No extra dishes or sides unless I am saying it is potluck.

    4. I would tell him he can bring his wife and that’s all. “I’m not planning a big event, and don’t want a lot of extra people” (or similar). If he tries again with they can bring stuff, just repeat your reaponse.
      I think it’s rude (and weird) to respond to an invite with ‘can I bring 10 people’…

    5. that is so wild to me. what is wrong with him?? if he wants to host an event for TEN people, he can do it! jaw on the floor. usually my friends only ever bring one guest (e.g. a partner or a friend who doesn’t have other stuff going on) and I’d even side-eye 2-3 unless it’s kiddos

    6. Perhaps the way it was said implied (to him) that it was going to be a big open house holiday type party (“i’ll host a big holiday party at my house for this group”), not an intimate dinner party. Standing around talking in a group makes me think it was a pretty informal conversation. I’m in my 40s and I go to the sort of events where bringing a couple people would be fine and welcome, as well as smaller dinner parties.

      1. Even for an open house, 10 people is a lot of extra guests. I have a friend who hosts a big summer party every year. People with kids come in the morning and afternoon to play in the pool, and the childless adults come at night for a bonfire and merriment. It’s like a 16 hour party and about 200 people come throughout the day. If someone wants to invite another couple or their kid’s friend and parents from down the street then cool. If someone rolled up with TEN extra people, even this guy would be annoyed. Imagine if every guest did that.

    7. “Oh gosh my house isn’t big enough for that, but if you’d like to host that’d be great!” And then have your own dinner party and don’t invite this jerk. Also don’t fault your friends for not chiming in, they probably didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to step on your toes.

      I’d have to know the guy to comment on where this attitude comes from. Maybe he’s thinking of something like a casual BBQ where people filter in and out and it doesn’t really matter how many people show up as long as they bring stuff. Maybe he’s never been to a sit down dinner party. Maybe he has a huge house or loves feeling crowded with a ton of people in a small space. Or maybe he’s a 50 something misogynist who never lifts a finger around the house and has no clue what goes into hosting and he does this to his poor wife so routinely that he thinks it’s acceptable. Idk. But if you have to hang out with him I would try to assume one of the former options rather than the latter.

    8. It’s kind of a weird ask for sure. But he did ask, and you said no, and it sounds as if there wasn’t anything more to it. I don’t think it’s a breach of etiquette.

    9. We had couple friends that we invited over a few times, and they kept inviting the same third couple with no notice. To our house! It was a very weird vibe, I would have almost thought they were a polyamorous ‘square’ but we are way too old and unhip for that. Anyway we stopped inviting them. We still see them occasionally, mainly at other mutual friends’ houses and are friendly, but we don’t host them.

  26. Curious to know how much of this is normal. I’m in an AmLaw 100. My firm has ramped up its efforts to curb bad habits around billing, specifically recording hours, getting bills out the door, and collecting. The way they’re going about it is increasingly heavy handed and it’s starting to seriously stress me out.

    The firm used to send nasty emails to anyone who hadn’t released their time for a whole week – fair enough. Now I sometimes (but not always, it’s totally random) get that email at 9 am for not releasing my time from the day before; they think you should enter time immediately as the task is done, but the nature of my work involves a lot of follow up, and I’m not separately entering .1 every time I respond to an email, I aggregate, which can only be done when the day is finished. The same with billing and collections; I now get nasty emails telling me that my collections are delinquent… when the bill hasn’t even gone out yet and couldn’t have gone out yet. Accounting sent the draft bills for October time to me on 11/2 and I approved them same day, I haven’t gotten the final bills back yet which isn’t unusual, but it’s totally impossible that I would have COLLECTED on October time before 9 am on 11/6 which is when I got the nasty email telling me I have hundreds of thousands of dollars outstanding and uncollected, followed by two more up emails telling me to collect on my bills and I’m one of the most delinquent in the firm (by dollar amount). I mean, sounds to me like I had a better October than most people, why am I getting sh!t for that?? Oh and our fiscal year isn’t calendar year, so this isn’t even the year end collections push, which is worse.

    I’m getting sick of it. This job is hard enough. Life is hard enough. I don’t need all of these emails telling me I’m failing. I’ve talked to the head of my office and he says to just ignore it like everyone else is, I’m not one of the problem people. I’m generally happy with my work but this morning I felt like walking out (…to my home office). Is this just how firms are now? I don’t remember it being THIS bad in the past even in like 2010.

    1. If you’re worried about collections, and bill more than most, does that mean you’re a lucrative partner for the firm? If so, don’t the billing folks work for you? Can you call the head of the department that sends out the nasty emails (rather than the head of the office) and ask for it to stop?

      Many firms tolerate actual bad behavior from luctrative partners. It seems like suppressing mean emails is really nothing.

      1. The timing is a feature not a bug. This is coming from the head of the firm, it’s not something that a staff person can override.

        What I can perhaps do is create a rule that automatically removes these emails from my inbox.

    2. Longer reply that billing should be able to suppress these emails to you in mod. Wanted to add, I would also be really unhappy to get such emails.

    3. Or just reply each time to the emails saying what you said here- that you’re billing in aggregate, and that you haven’t sent out the bills yet, etc. Just politely explaining why the message doesn’t apply to you. Maybe when the person continually sending out emails has to deal with the responses they will realize its not worth the hassle to send out blanket nasty emails to all… and direct them to the problematic people that need to receive them.

    4. Presumably, your firm has a CFO or another leader for the finance department. If you’re unhappy with the response the head of your office gave — and, btw, in my AmLaw 100 firm the office heads have NO actual responsibility for administration– talk to the CFO. Or talk to the finance committee if your firm is managed by committees of partners rather than actual, trained, competent professionals. Basically, provide feedback (pleasantly and with clear examples like the notice re outstanding receivables that hadn’t even been invoiced) to the leaders who manage teams responsible for configuring the systems that send out reminders. Once you’ve provided your feedback, keep chugging along and ignore the premature emails.

      Re the daily reminders to release time: I think you need to let go of your frustration with the 9am automated email. I understand that you’re not going to enter and release your time all day long, but there’s nothing technically keeping you from entering and releasing your time at the end of each day. As someone in a deal practice where we have to prep and issue invoices at closing– rather than at month end– it’s essential that all time be in and released on a current basis. I don’t think you’ll make much headway trying to get the firm to change these reminders.

  27. Does anyone have a favorite mug warmer for their desk? The idea of my tea staying warm for longer really appeals to me this time of year. Bonus points if sold by Amazon, as I need to create wishlists on there before Black Friday. (This is how my family rolls, I am unable to change it so I’d at least like some practical stuff).

    1. I have been eyeing the ember mug, and I have a colleague who likes it and has used it for years, so I trust that it a) works and b) lasts.

      1. Wow! $120. That looks really nice but unfortunately is over the vague $ threshold where no one will buy it. I was worried that getting an effective one would be too $$.

        1. Yeah, pretty splurge-y! Haven’t pulled the plug myself because of that…

      2. I LOVE my Ember mug. Yes it’s a ridiculous splurge, but the amount of daily joy I get out of it, it has been absolutely worth it.

    2. I like my Yeti tumbler much better than a mug warmer. The Yeti keeps tea or coffee hot for hours without scorching it.

      2. I have insulated tumblers like this but the tea when I first make it is too hot to drink, and insulated tumblers keep it at that tongue-burning temp for too long. I like the idea of something that dials it to the right not too hot, not too cold temp.

        1. Same here. While I don’t use a mug warmer, my workaround is just to make my tea then fill the remaining 1/2 or 2/3 of my thermos (depending) with cold water.

  28. I’m attending a daytime wedding in the VA countryside this Saturday. The reception will be mostly outdoors, and it looks like it’ll be a high of around 50 degrees. No stated dress code but I’m assuming it’ll be more on the casual side given the venue and time of day. What would you wear?

    1. A fancy jumpsuit would be great for this.

      VA countryside weddings run the gamut; I’ve definitely been to fancy vineyard weddings with a DC crowd. The fact that it’s daytime gives you some more leeway. I might go with something like the Somerset maxi dress from Anthropologie.

    2. No spiky heels — they’ll get stuck in the turf. So something that you can wear chunky-heeled shoes with. And elegant layers, as this is a tricky time of year for temperatures and weather and wind and sun and clouds.

    3. I attended an outdoor, daytime wedding in that area a week ago. It was windy and pretty cold. There were no heaters, and no place shielded from the wind. I opted for silk longjohns (top and bottom) under dressy-ish pant with a very thick cashmere sweater and a thin cashmere coat that I pulled on as the sun disappeared. Thin wool socks and dressy loafers. I was not turning any heads, fashion-wise, but I was reasonably warm and pulled together, and felt like I made good choices.

    4. Where in the Virginia countryside? Is this west of DC in horse country? The Charlottesville area? Expect a more formal affair.

      Otherwise, a dress with a good wrap sounds like the way to go. Lots of the VA countryside is rural.

  29. maybe i’ll ask this again on the afternoon thread – but i’m looking for a DD+ sports bra that is primarily comfortable and supportive enough to go for low-impact activities. my current favorite is not doing my girls any favors…

    1. My chest is larger than yours, but I’ve had really great luck with Goddess sports bras. My favorite speciality bra store stocks them. I’m not running a ton in them, but they are great for boxing, yoga, lifting, etc.

    2. I just discovered Knix bras and am finding them fabulously comfortable and make my ladies look good. Haven’t tried the sports bras but I’m sure they are great, too.

    3. I have multiples of the Wacoal Sport high impact underwire. Everything else I’ve tried has been relegated to Goodwill. I size up one size in the band as compared to my daily (non-sport) sizing.

      I also like that they have DDD+, although I have to order usually.

      1. I second this. The Wacoal Simone is the answer for good bounce control without smashing my DDDs into a tube of chest sausage.

  30. I was laid off on Friday. They said my items from my desk would be delivered to my home and they would send a return envelope with the contents so I could return my laptop. No problem with this and I preferred this as I didn’t want to have to return to my desk.

    About an hour after being laid off, I get an email from HR CC’ing the bosses assistant, asking to confirm my address. I replied this morning to HR to confirm. I then get an email 2 hours later just from the assistant to ask if I’m home [to receive the contents of my desk]. I’ve had no paperwork for my laptop to be returned and at this point I do not want to interact with this assistant. Do I go directly to HR or do I speak with the tech support team?

    Background: This same assistant has previously complained to my boss about me doing work for my colleague. I said nothing and distanced myself. It was not her call to determine that I shouldn’t do work for a colleague.

    On Friday she was standing next to me at my desk, about 10mins before I was called in to be laid off, telling my colleague that ‘some people around here are going to learn the hard way that they need to be nice to the assistants if they want to get ahead’. I’m a single parent with 3 children, all of whom have special needs (ASD, ASD, Dyslexia and all 3 ADD). This isn’t the position I wanted to end up in but here we are.

    2. I’m sorry for the situation, but I’m not sure I understand the immediate issue. Assistant wants to see if you’re home to answer the door for someone who is otherwise delivering your personal effects? Are you concerned that it’s assistant themselves dropping items off?

      Either way, I’d just confirm you are home, get the items and call it a day. I wouldn’t give assistant your laptop, though, unless you had specific instructions from bosses or HR. Sounds like there’s bad blood there and I’d be reluctant to trust that person without explicit instruction.

      1. It doesn’t sound like she’s intending to take the laptop, but if she asks for it, have her sign a receipt and be done with it.

      2. I’m sorry, HR told me my things would be delivered by courier and include a return box for my laptop. No return box was included.

        Meanwhile this assistant, who has been incredibly rude (and yes she is toxic), emailed me to ask if I’m home. I live in a managed building, there are people here who can accept packages.

        I understand why she has involved herself in this process (she can’t help herself) but I find it unprofessional. I don’t want her to know my address or any other personal information about me. She hasn’t been nice, so no, I don’t want this person knowing anything about me. I assumed the box of my belongings and return of my laptop would be handled by HR, not her.

        1. I’m sorry. She sounds awful but you also seem a bit emotional about this. I get it – you just lost your job, which is terrible. But that woman’s failure to understand that you live in a managed building with staff is not a valid critique. Just send HR an email and ask them about the box without accusing anyone of incompetence for not sending it or harassment for checking if that was a convenient time for you to.recieve your belongings.

    3. I would work through HR exclusively. If you need to connect with IT, then ‘cc HR. Ignore assistant.

      I am so sorry. What an absolute garbage human being assistant sounds like. For what it’s worth, her comment now makes her look like the complete AH to everyone who heard it.

      Take care of yourself today. It may not feel like it now, but some day soon you’re going to be somewhere new where you’ll have a boss you feel better connected with. Toxic people thrive in toxic cultures–assistant would not feel like they could be that way in a better organization.

      1. “Toxic people thrive in toxic cultures” is a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over. Not OP but thanks for making that thought so succinct.

    4. If you have not already, remove all personal information from the laptop before you turn it in.

    5. Big hugs. You are a bada$$ single mother of 3 kids and have gone through many difficult situations in the past – many worse than this! Toxic work culture, tough parenthood, handling throwdown tantrums – you’ve done it all! You will get through this!

      Take some time to yourself. Get a break. Take a breather. You will come out of it strong.

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