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Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Yikes
Have you all seen this article? Let’s all collectively promise not to act like this ever :( http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/08/13/should_straight_women_go_to_gay_bars_a_drag_queen_reports_on_the_lady_invasion.html
Anon for this
Great article. I made one trip into a gay nightclub to watch a drag show and dance. I’m straight and my straight good friend that accompanied me was recently divorced. She was going through some issues and I don’t really want to get into too much detail but she really wanted to go out dancing and because of the previous mentioned issues, I really didn’t want to go dancing at a straight pickup place with her. I’m also married and frankly was more comfortable getting down just the two of us in a gay bar than a straight bar since inevitably at straight clubs if I was just there with one other girl I was constantly pushing away guys that wanted to seriously grind. A group of girls we were fine, even just one guy in our group we were fine, but just the two of us, with my friend on the prowl, were like meat tossed into the lion’s den. So I suggested the gay bar. We had a blast but I also felt like I was intruding on a space where I shouldn’t be. We were very well behaved (I believe) but I decided after that it was a one time deal and I wasn’t going to intrude there unless specifically invited by someone. At least that’s how I felt about the dance club part. I thought the drag shows were open to all and didn’t realize they might not appreciate straight people there.
Anonny
Some drag shows are. I went to one for a bachelorette that offered a “Bachelorette Package” and brought the 2-3 bachelorettes in the audience up on stage. So while I see how it could be offensive, as the article points out, others capitalize on the appeal of drag shows to the lady’s night crowd.
ITDS
I saw this complaint in the media here in DC a few years ago. The crux of the problem then was that encounters between men wearing flip flops and drunk girls wearing high heels were resulting in injured toes.
Shopping help!
I saw a woman at the gym yesterday wearing the most adorable pair of shorts. I have never been able to get into the tights trend because I overheat easily but I do a lot of exercises requiring bending over/lifting things/laying on the floor etc. and I feel a little too exposed in most shorts. That said, the ones that give you enough coverage usually look like they were made for grandma. I have found one pair of shorts that I really like with compression shorts built in but still at cute length and style, and this woman was wearing a pair that was all black with matching compression shorts and pink piping. They looked similar to running shorts in that they weren’t too tight but were also short enough to still be cute without looking over exposed. She ran off before I could see a logo or ask her so I ask the hive – does anyone have any shorts similar to this that they like?? I would love to find those but will settle for others equally cute :) They do have to have the built in compression, though – if they aren’t, I’ve noticed the tendency of the outer short to slip down during certain moves. TIA!!
CountC
Have you tried the Under Armour ones? https://www.underarmour.com/en-us/womens-ua-2x-rally-shorts/pid1264153-478
Shopping help!
I have seen similar shorts but the problem I have with them is that they seem to be trying to make a statement with the compression shorts. They are either longer than the original short (which I think looks odd and not super flattering) or they make them in super bright contrasting colors that make them really stand out.
CountC
Hmmmm, I don’t think I have ever seen ones where the compression short was not longer than the outer short. Sorry!
Anon
This reminds me of how in the 1980s people would wear shorts over their sweatpants. To play racquetball in. Before there were wicking fabrics.
CountC
That image makes me chuckle. And would be a fun and comfortable Halloween costume.
lost academic
Sweatpants shorts, from the 80s! Had my sister’s pair. High school gym required shorts even in the winter when they didn’t see the need for heat in the gym, the only time they came in handy!
JJ
Athleta usually has running shorts with compression shorts built in. Usually the black sells out quickly, but the fun bright colors stick around.
Greensleeves
We bought my teenage daughter some at Target recently and I don’t think the compression shorts were longer. You might check there. I believe they were the Champion brand.
lost academic
Not relevant if you’re looking for exercise shorts, but I’ve found the best shorts that don’t basically end at your crotch, with good cargo pockets but not entirely canvas made by Carhartt. For the combo compression/athletic shorts, though, if you are near a college campus you might check what they sell for athletic gear. (I grew up in a college town with an excellent basketball team and then went to college in a city with a similar situation so I’ve never been away from that availability.)
anon
I like Skirt Sports for cycling gear. I haven’t tried their running stuff yet, but I plan to. Most of their stuff is skirts over compression shorts, not shorts over shorts, but it might be worth a look.
Kelly Andthen
https://www.rbxactive.com/products/undefined/products/performance-mesh-built-in-running-short?color=Black
Kelly Andthen
Woops! This didn’t work, try this: https://www.rbxactive.com/t/women/Bottoms
The mesh built in running shorts are great, I have a few pairs.
2 Cents
Dear Kate yoga shorts?
J
Marmot has a pair that are shorts with a coordinating color compression short underneath. Link to follow. I also saw something similar at Target by Champion, but the shorts were longer and most of them were in a contrasting color.
http://marmot.com/products/details/womens-pulse-short
custom made suits
A few people here have asked about custom made suits – I saw this article and immediately thought of the hive: http://www.stltoday.com/business/local/custom-tailor-johnna-marie-focuses-on-untapped-market-women/article_a7c3c3a0-2155-5c49-a815-0029762eaed6.html
Company is http://johnnamarie.com/
Anonforthis-frequent poster
My SO and I have been together for 2 years. He’s troubled guy with a heartbreaking life story but is an amazing person. After some recent life set-backs, he has affirmed that he wants to get closer to God. He’s been “recruited” (my words, not his) to attend a church with a friend. He says it will be expected for him, among other things, to abstain from sexual activity. RED FLAG. While I support the decision to build a relationship with God, I’m not on his path, as I already have this relationship but am not an extremist.
Hive: how to I remain supportive yet firm that I disagree with the extreme nature of it? FWIW, I did tell him abstinence wasn’t an option for me.
Anon
It sounds like he is just letting the friend (and the friend’s church) define your relationship. Yikes! I think that churches are things you have pre-existing in a relationship or choose together, but not do this way. I think he needs a come-to-Jesus moment, but with you, STAT.
[And if not, this is heartbreaking, but I think if he won’t and don’t see why it’s a problem, you have your answer.]
tesyaa
Abstain for how long? A week, a month, a year? I can understand (maybe) that taking a break might be religiously desirable (maybe) in order to focus on the God thing, but longer than a few weeks or a month seems senseless if one is in a relationship. I’m having trouble here… is this like becoming a monk of some sort? In which case, you say, I wish you all the best in all your future endeavors? I guess.
anon
maybe this is a no s*x before marriage thing?
Anon
But even if they got married, she might not want this church in their lives. I do think that a marriage can work if the people are of different faith backgrounds, but changing mid-stream to something wildly different (even while both seem to be Christian) is not the sort of thing one announces (even if one has had the burning bush moment) without expecting it to be in some way a possible deal-breaker.
So marriage isn’t really a solution here. The bigger problem is still there.
anon
Oh, I am in no way saying marriage is a solution. I’m just saying in response to tesyaa’s question about how long, that’s what I would gues.
Anonforthis-frequent poster
Not a monk, haha. I’m getting the vibe this is a Born Again church, although he has not come out and said that exactly. Abstain until marriage. We have talked about getting married one day but not in the near future.
Anon
Is this just a first visit to Friend’s Church?
Is it too late to find a church you both like and take an enquirer’s clss there?
Is he dabbling or has he had some big conversion (most guys I know would not sign up for this!)?
CountC
This would be a deal breaker for me (well lots of what is going on here would be). It’s one thing for to you both have come into the relationship with the understanding that there would be abstinence until marriage. Everyone was on the same page, so all good there. This change is drastic and is not the relationship you signed up for IMO. I would see what is his take away is after his first visit, see if he is open to going to a different church with you, and then, based on his reaction, make your move. For me, if his decision is friend’s church is the one for me and I am all aboard on abstaining until marriage, I would have to end the relationship as it fundamentally changes the relationship for me.
Anon
I agree with this. Religion is something you should work out and see how on board you are with each other. If someone changes religion mid-relationship then you need to realign those expectations and decide if you are meant to be together.
In college I dated a very religious, bible is literal, guy pretty seriously. He was super awesome as a person but our religious differences were too much in the end. At first we were all open to accepting each other the way we are, but then when I saw how much he wanted religion to be a part of our lives, I realized we couldn’t work out. After dating for a while there was pressure for me to join his church. Then he would say things like “what about the children, how will we raise them properly if you don’t go to church?” Many other, very traditional ideas also started sprouting up. So we went separate ways and both are better for it.
NYC tech
Maybe try to steer him in the direction of a different church? If his friend can have influence, why not you (even if church isn’t your thing)? Offer to go with him to check out an Episcopalian church or something similar that may be more in line with your values.
Anonforthis-frequent poster
I do attend church on a regular basis (Methodist). He’s attended with me at the holidays but never expressed the desire to attend more regularly. I’m feeling like he’s being pressured by this friend to attend and because it’s in a vulnerable state right now and he’s clinging to the feeling of being included.
I truly appreciate everyone’s advice. I’m going to go to the church with him on Sunday to see what it’s all about; for him, not me. I might even offer to change my church to something he felt more connected too; although not changing my denomination. I am not even sold on our new pastor so maybe the change would do us both some good.
Anonymous
Don’t. Don’t give up a piece of yourself for someone troubled and unstable. Don’t make yourself less to make him more.
moss
I agree.
Anonforthis-frequent poster
The more I think about it, the more I think you might be right. Compromising myself to support his change doesn’t make any sense.
CountC
THISSSSSSS.
Senior Attorney
Yes. There are so many red flags here you could have a red-flag parade.
Anon456
This breaks my heart: “I’m feeling like he’s being pressured by this friend to attend and because it’s in a vulnerable state right now and he’s clinging to the feeling of being included.”
The terribly sad part about this is that these evangelical churches screw with people’s minds on this. “If you follow these 182 rules, then God will love you. If you don’t follow these rules, YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN H3LL.” You’re constantly trying to be “good enough,” when in reality God’s love doesn’t work that way. It’s tempting in our mortal minds to think of a checklist to God’s love, to put a box around God and say “He’ll love me if I do these 182 things right.” In evangelical churches, you can chase and chase those rules, like a dog chasing his tail, but you’ll never be able to do them all right and you’ll feel worse about yourself than you ever did.
Might I suggest the Episcopal church? It’s similar for you as a Methodist, and he may well appreciate the (physical) structure of the weekly services, since perhaps the (dogmatic) rigidity is what’s attracting him to this evangelical church.
Sad and pathetic
Seriously? Aren’t you judgmental? How come you can unload on an evangelical church like that and nobody in this forum challenges you? If you were to replace evangelical with any other people group and say the exact same thing people would be jumping up and down. I’m really sad that its okay for you to say such seriously HATEFUL things (and yes I used Ellen caps and meant the word) and that everybody else on this site just read it at face value.
Anon for this
This is actually to Sad and pathetic but it wasn’t an option to reply there.
Anon456’s comment has been my experience in evangelical churches.
Some of them, though not all, but many of them (sorry, flag me for logic here for not providing an actual statistic) have issues with women. They’ll say husbands are to “lead” wives: This is just cover for what they really mean–men have God-given authority over women (they refer to that view as “complementarian”, but unlike in complementarity, the term includes the concept of hierarchy).
If this is what one believes, okay, then I’d refer you to Christians for Biblical Equality if you want to study a different perspective, but if a couple starts together on that path, that’s one thing.
But if that view could be new to the relationship? That could be more problematic, I would think.
And more generally, what Anon456 said.
2 Cents
Would you be able to go with him to check it out? Then, after your visit, you can both sit down and discuss what this church would mean for both of you, as individuals and as a couple. I’m assuming your end goal would be to have a church and be interested in church life, but it’s also important that you do so as a unit (especially if you all do get married one day). He may not realize how various Christian denominations differ — and what it means in the short-term and long-term.
lost academic
Agree with this, but I’d add it will matter most if you’re willing to be part of a church. IF this is a relationship you want to give every change to go the distance, I’d take the positive alternative approach – search with him to find a church that helps him, that you feel affirms your values, and that can be a part of your joint lives. Focus on adding something positive, not just rejecting what he’s proposing. I hope there are many options and that there could be one that will be optimal here.
Anonymous
Like the one she already attends that he has shown no interest in exploring? Nope. It shouldn’t be on her to do all the work because he has tons and tons of needs.
Anonymous Poser
Yes, this is actually a red flag for me.
Anonymous
Why would you be supportive of this? Tell him you’re not supportive, you don’t want an abstinent relationship, you’re deeply disturbed he would even consider it, and you’re unsure why he needs to leap into an extreme.
And then break up with him. Stop wasting your time with someone who is too broken to put you first.
Bonnie
This would trouble me not because of the no s*x before marriage part but because he’s making a big change in his life that affects both of you and is not including you in it.
Anon
This would bother me BOTH because of the big life change AND because born-again is a BS concept. You don’t get to pretend you’re a v*rg*n because suddenly Jesus. You want to wait until marriage? Fine – it’s not my belief, but I absolutely respect your ability to choose a path and hold a belief that does not impact my life or freedom of choice. But if you and I are in the same boat, and you’re pretending to be in a different boat because God said you could, and you think you are superior to me? Please.
Cora
I don’t think it’s particularly extremist for a Bible-based church to hold the position that sex outside of marriage is wrong. But I do agree with everyone that it is a fundamental change in your relationship and it sounds like you have already made clear to him that it’s ultimately a dealbreaker for you. I don’t think there’s much more that you can do, particularly if he has come to this decision based on a personal conviction as opposed to just to fit in at the new place (in which case church-shopping together wouldn’t make much difference).
Anonymous
Or it’s the church’s official position (sort of like, this is our goal weight) that this is preferred and encouraged. But I don’t know many churches that insist that it is required (and even if they see it as required by God, it is not demanded by the church, as we are all deficient in many ways and if it weren’t for us sinners, churches would be empty).
It’s like Saint Augustine said (paraphrasing): give me constancy and virtue (but not yet).
Pesh
While this is a problem for your relationship, I want to broaden the scope a little bit, as I knew someone who seems very much like this. You say he’s had a troubled life. He’s quick to totally jump on board with the beliefs of this church. It seems like he’s searching for stability, maybe in the past he’s gotten that from you. Now, he’s getting it from this church. So even if you work out the church problem, something else will come up that he’ll want to jump on board with. These are deeper issues than the church.
2 Cents
+1 Has he ever been to therapy? There are larger issues driving this need for stability (though finding acceptance in a church isn’t a bad thing — just has to be the right one for both of you.)
Constant Reader
Well, having being “dumped for Jesus” by a previous BF, I can commiserate. (He basically said he wanted to build a relationship with God and focus on that). We ended up breaking up, getting back together and then breaking up again because of the church thing and basically being on two different wavelengths with respect to religion. Soooo, sorry to say, it didn’t end well.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m sorry this happened to you but I just laughed out loud in my office at “dumped for Jesus” and dribbled the water I had been drinking all over my shirt and face. Glad no one was watching.
anon
My father and I have always been extremely close, and he’s spending the summer with me and DH (who also gets along with him very well). We don’t have a big place, and sometimes he drives me nuts! Just little things and annoying habits, and he will not stop buying us stuff! It’s stuff we don’t need, and I feel guilty because he barely has any savings partially because he put me through school. Anyway, he’s kind and generous and helping me through a somewhat stressful time, and I’m trying really hard not to be annoyed at him for little things. I generally am successful in making sure I don’t show it when I’m irritated, but I feel like I’m not doing a very good job of enjoying his company which I know I’ll regret later. Plus I feel like I’m being a terrible daughter. Advice on how to chill out?
marise
I often find myself in the same boat, trying to hide my constant annoyance with my Dad’s habits (refusing to pay for dinner, asking me to serve him in a demanding way, random bodily noises in public, etc.) However, we lost my mom recently (three years ago) and I know my Dad is not going to be around forever. I want to remember our last years as good ones. So I have decided he gets to do all those annoying things–at 83 years old, he’s earned it–and I have no reason to get annoyed. Not sure if that helps.
Mpls
Recognize that buying things for you is his way of expressing love. And then have an explicit conversation where you tell him that while you appreciate his purchases, extra stuff you don’t need stresses you out and if he wants to contribute as an extended house guest you would love for him to do X chores/errands/tasks because that would be even more helpful.
Anon
I think this approach would be good. Redirect him into showing his appreciation in ways that don’t cost money. Can he be responsible for taking care of the dog/plants. Or making dinner? Or tell him that instead of buying you regular gifts, he can pay for one, nice dinner to show his appreciation, and then he is done. I think you can address this head on in a nice way.
anon
Oh he already does all of that too- all the cooking, all the cleaning, taking my car to get serviced. Like basically anything that he’s aware needs to be done, he does. We talked about the spending thing, and he said that he appreciates my concern and is trying to cut back. I just feel like I should be doing more for him instead of letting him be my live in housekeeper, cook, and therapist. Plus his annoying habits are totally not actually bad. He has a really loud voice, tends to misplace my stuff when he cleans, etc. It’s not fair and I feel like an ungrateful daughter. I do enjoy his company, but I feel like I should enjoy it more than I do when I’m expending energy trying to not be annoyed.
Mpls
Is he bored, and is shopping because he doesn’t know what else to do? Does he need a hobby, or something to do that doesn’t involve you guys? Or a routine that doesn’t involve spending money? Local volunteer opportunity?
anonymous
He works full time and is also a PhD student. At 70. I’m pretty sure he’s not lacking things to do. I think he just wants to shower me with affection.
Anon
Does he want to come stay at my house? :) You are acknowledging that his bad habits aren’t actually bad but that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to be annoyed by them. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship and this is just what happens when you put people in a small space together. Scheduling some alone time for you and your SO (like a weekend trip) and for your father (if there is a nice way you can get him out of the house – no idea what this would be) may help ease some tension.
ace
I think just do your best to enjoy the time with him and stifle the frustration. My dad lived in my guest room with my then-fiancee and me for a few months when he and my mom were in the process of moving to our city. It was interesting to see his habits that were totally normal to me when I was a kid and living at home, but seemed funny as an adult (nothing too problematic, but regular after work beer consumption and after dinner bowl of cereal).
Accept he’s basically a guest in your house and that he feels more comfortable buying you stuff. Other than telling him politely that it’s not needed (which it sounds like you’ve already done), just do your best to not let it bug you.
… & enjoy being able to schedule midday service appointments and not have to take off work, etc. :)
dad/gramps
Every day my dad develops annoying habits that are more and more like his dad, my grandpa (long since departed). Loud throat clearing, even louder sneezes, rapping his fork on his plate while eating, teasing my dogs, etc. In a way, it’s as if my grandpa is coming back to life. It’s both wonderful and sad, because grandpa and his quirks were so funny and lovable to me when I was little, but I don’t like to see my dad getting older. Maybe you could look at your dad’s annoying habits in the same way.
Anonforthis
Dieting question ahead. I’m at a loss where to start. Due to a variety of life circumstances (none of which are medical) I’m up 17 pounds from this time last year. I’ve bought enough pieces so that having clothes that fit at my current weight isn’t a problem, and while I preferred my slimmer body, I’m actually ok with how I look in the mirror in my new clothes. But my body just doesn’t feel its best right now. I feel bloated and like I have no energy. Plus, I loved my old clothes! I want to fit back into my favorites.
Somehow I reached 30 without ever really going on a diet before. I ate what I wanted but tried to “want” mostly healthy things, in moderate portion sizes, and was active. I’ve tried implementing all of those things again, but the scale hasn’t moved (actually when I increased my cardio to what it was pre-gain, I went up a few more pounds!). As a weight loss novice, please help me. I started strict calorie counting earlier this week. But in terms of nutrient breakdown, cheat meals, meal replacements, kick-off cleanses, etc, there are just so many theories out there that I don’t know where to start finding one that’s best for me and that will give me results. For those of you who have done this: how did you decide on a plan that worked best for you? Trial and error? Similarity to what you were doing pre-gain? TIA!
CountC
First, banish the word diet from your vocabulary. Your goal here, from what I can tell, is really to be healthier, and by becoming healthier, you will lose weight (generally speaking, but not always true). It’s great to hear that you like how you look now! That’s awesome.
Here’s how I focus on eating healthier (and have lost weight):
– limit alcohol intake (went from drinks every day, to maybe one or two a week and special occasions);
– limit largely processed food items;
– eat more fruit (when I need a snack I reach for an apple, grapes, etc.);
– be conscious of my portion size (use smaller plates and bowls, pack half of my meal at restaurants before I start, etc.)
– drink a glass of water when I am hungry before eating to see if it’s a dehydration issue instead of an actual hunger issue;
– don’t completely limit treats (have a small piece of chocolate when I want one, etc.);
– cook my own meals;
– eat less meat (or for me none, as for personal reasons I went vegetarian);
– exercise.
Calories in / calories out. If you burn more than you consume, you will lose weight.
Anonymous
Don’t do it. Dieting sucks. Keep up the cardio, add in strength training, and focus on filling your plate with a variety of vegetables and lean protein as a priority.
tesyaa
I mostly agree. But I’d also suggest cutting out mindless eating, especially in the evening. No one needs those extra calories, and they can really add up. If you ate a healthy dinner, you’re probably not really hungry at night. The same goes for any eating out of boredom.
Killer Kitten Heels
+1.
Also, address the lifestyle stuff that led to the weight gain – if you don’t fix the root of the weight gain, you’re not going to be able to fix the weight gain itself (you might temporarily lose weight, but it will come back if you don’t address the lifestyle stuff that got you to the present point).
Anonny
This is all from personal experience… but long-term success likely won’t be from a trend diet (cleanses, etc). IT might help you re-set and feel good quickly, but if you want long-term weight loss you need something more consistent and sustainable.
I’d recommend Weight Watchers or something like MyFitnessPal to track calories – both tracking systems, though different, take into account “macros” aka proteins, sugars, and other intakes apart from straight calories. Also, both are pretty mainstream and you’ll find blogs and other s!tes from users that use both, which I find helpful for motivation and especially recipe ideas.
Good luck – you can do it!
sweetpotatopie
What really worked for me was weight watchers (on which I lost 25 lb). I had previously used calorie counting which it was pretty onerous (weighing all food and noting it down in a little book) and I could only maintain for a week or two (eg 2-3 lb). I really needed to reprogram my brain about what a healthy diet looked like and weight watchers did that for me by ‘allowing’ unlimited vegetables and fruits.
Jules
I lost 18 pounds on WW, using the Iphone app. It helped me with tracking and accountability, if only to myself. I’ve kept it off for six months (through a separation and impending divorce, long work hours and reduced exercise schedule) so I think it’s a good, sustainable program.
anon
Question — did you stay on the WW program for maintenance after you hit your goal weight? I’m getting there and am not sure when the appropriate time to cancel is.
Jules
I’m still on it because if I’m not careful my weight creeps back up, fast. (Because age, menopause, high-stress divorce, high-stress job, etc.) I have a close friend who lost 85 pounds with WW two years ago and who still tracks with the app for maintenance so she keeps it off.
sweetpotatopie
I did not. To be honest, I was attending early Saturday morning meetings and, as I approached my goal weight, got less dedicated about going. I sort of gradually dropped out of the program as I approached my goal weight.
Anonymous
I go once a month to a meeting a weigh in. Low time commitment, worth it for accountability.
Anon
I’m 45 and am not a dieter, but have a husband who needs to get religion about his habits.
Start easy:
No snacks (maybe one good-for-you-snack if you need tiding over until dinner: an apple, some popcorn, some nuts)
Nothing eaten standing
Nothing eaten in front of a TV
No food from package (and no eating from a package except for the one snack at the top)
3 meals a day of good food in reasonable portions (check out 100daysofrealfood dot com); but nothing extremely different from what you like
Move around a lot more (walking, whatever you like)
A little bit of positive change at the margins is something you’ll likely be consistent with and happy with and should start you in the right direction. Once that is working, you can speed things along, but the gimmicks don’t work and don’t last.
Good luck!
Mpls
Had a similar situation – steady weight gain since leaving law school, then its 7 years later and I’ve gained 15 pounds.
Start with one thing, instead of ALL the things. So, start by tracking what you are eating, and getting calorie estimates on that (I used Sparkpeople to help with this). Figure out what your basal metabolism rate is, so you can figure out where you need a weight-loss intake to be.
Once you get used to tracking what you are eating, then you can evaluate what you are eating. Figure out how you want to budget your calories during the day, where you add some less calorie dense foods (a big salad with lots of veggies and some dressing vs. a sandwich). Live with it for a few months. Reassess how it’s going.
Expect your weight to fluctuate, since your period is going to obscure results to some degree (I tend to go up a few pounds and then drop after starting).
Expect the whole thing to take longer than you expect, because your body is going to fight you on this. It has become used to being a certain weight, so it thinks that is normal.
New Anon
I started counting calories with My Fitness Pal. None of the structured diet things appealed to me (mostly, I didn’t want to eliminate any foods entirely–I really love to eat) and I figured that this was a way to make myself be reasonable about portion control and generally make sure things in my diet were working together effectively. If counting calories doesn’t appeal, I totally get it; there are lots of other ways to succeed. This is just the one that works for me.
One side note is that the daily net calorie recommendation MFP tried to give me sounded OUTRAGEOUSLY low (I’d previously used FatSecret in a similar way but with probably 200-400 more calories per day than MFP wanted me to do; I switched to MFP because I like their app and recipe entry interfaces better). I ended up overriding the MFP calorie count in favor of what I’d used successfully with FatSecret and have been happy. I also recently used a calorie calculator designed by an academic as a result of a study (examining the effects of weight loss on calorie needs, I think) and got the same result as FatSecret recommended. At any rate, I’d avoid the MFP calorie recommendation. It’s easy to override it with a number you get elsewhere.
Anon
A lot of success depends on if you are a person who likes to get very granular with data or the sort of person who just wants a big picture solution.
I found just getting one copy of Prevention magazine at the checkout helpful for the latter (and has no time for calorie counting — is this a medium apple? is it a large apple? WTF people, an apple is good — eat it!). Like if you make good choices with food type and portion size, inputting the data matters less and less.
Also, body composition =/= weight. So don’t listen to the scale. Trust how the clothes are fitting.
New anon
I had difficulty with what constituted “good choices”. My diet was already pretty balanced, I didn’t snack hugely, didn’t drink a lot, etc., and I didn’t want to just cut out sweets (or cheese or bread or whatever) entirely, so MFP helps me get at (and really keep track of) whether I’ve had pastry at the office once per week or three times per week this month–that stuff just didn’t live in my head that well, you know?
That said, I agree somewhat on the “how big is this apple?” issue. I’ve basically decided to not let myself worry about it: I enter whatever size seems reasonable, generally try to not *under*estimate what I eat, and let it go. That was a lot harder to do when my husband was MFPing and talking a lot about weight: I worried about whether what I was eating was reasonable or too much or too little or just wrong somehow. Keeping it to myself turns out to be key.
Anonforthis
Thanks Anon, this is a good point I hadn’t considered. I’ve mentioned that my portion sizes need some work as a long-term change, and I know counting calories will help with that. I hadn’t thought of the fact that logging my food will also show me whether my supposedly once-a-month cheat doughnut is actually once a month. That’s extra motivation to keep up with this!
Anonymous
+1 Exactly. Logging food is as much for awareness as calorie counting. I found myself less likely to go for that food when I wasn’t really hungry because I didn’t want to have to find and log it into my app.
AnotherAnon
My Fitness Pal calorie recommendation for me to lose 0.5 pounds a week was 1200 calories. I am 5ft 3 inches tall and I had to lose 20 Lbs (of which I have lost 10 Lbs). There was no way I could sustain myself on a 1200 calorie diet even when I eat soups and salads that I myself make !!! I still enter and try to be at 1200 calories but most days I end up around 1400.
New Anon
It told me something very similar–it just seemed ridiculous!
Anondc
Honestly its really just a lifestyle thing. I try to work out at least 2-3 times a week. I also live in a dc so i do a LOT of walking. In terms of food I just try to make sure I have more veggies and fruits in my meals than anything, i drink a lot of naked/odwalla drinks and water, eat mostly fish, and as many real ingredients as possible (i don’t really care if its organic or not – but potato chips shouldn’t have 23 ingredients in it, you know?). So kind of pescatarian diet I guess. I don’t believe in restricting yourself or calorie counting. I do, however, notice a HUGE difference when I don’t eat this way/work out – I’m sleepier, sadder, and constantly bloated.
A good place to start might be ‘The Eat-Clean Diet’. I’ve never dieted myself but I’ve heard really great things about it and its a great place to start. Also keep in mind if you are trying to lose weight the healthy way it might take a little longer but the results will last longer! Good luck! =)
ANP
Just chiming in to say that I feel you on this! I was skinny (not necessarily healthy or in good shape) my entire life leading up to my first pregnancy at age 28 and then WHOA…everything went downhill from there. It was a combination of age, the pregnancies (I’ve now had three kids), a busier schedule and just general frustration with how I felt about my body (and looked). Not good.
I did have success with Weight Watchers but it was never a long-term thing for me, though it was great at certain times for getting off, for example, the initial baby weight. One thing I do not like about WW is that it “rewards” you for eating low-fat or fat-free versions of foods when I’m not convinced I should have unfettered access to — for example — fat-free cheese product and diet soda. I decided during my third pregnancy that if I have to be 5lbs up the rest of my life but that it means I get to eat real butter and real sugar, so be it!
Now, at age 34, I had baby #3 about 6 weeks ago and have just started using My Fitness Pal — like WW, but with calories instead of points. I agree with a lot of what’s been suggested here: don’t try to be super-limiting with your food or it’s probably not sustainable long term. I need to be able to have a square of chocolate or a glass of wine or a bowl of ice cream if I really want it — not necessarily every day, but that kind of stuff has to be in my life somehow! Small changes are also important: lots of fruits and veggies, lean meats, salads, etc. Some of it is just admitting to myself that I can’t eat like I did in my early 20’s — half a block of cheese and a bunch of crackers = dinner — without feeling crummy and putting on weight. So for me it’s about those baby steps, tracking what I’m eating, staying out of the pantry (crackers/breads are killer for me) and making healthy choices overall without totally eliminating the “fun” stuff. Good luck!
lsw
Oh, girl, welcome to 30. This was my experience over the last year or so as well. I agree with not doing a “diet”, but pretend that the word “diet” is not in the title of this book – The Body Reset Diet. I use the smoothie recipes for breakfast because they are a good mix of protein and fiber and keep me full. You could do any smoothie that has those things, I just liked that they are all already balanced with protein and fiber and I don’t have to worry about portions. That made it easy for me since I tended to eat crap for breakfast because I was always in a hurry, and then I’d also pig out at lunch because I’d feel starving. I also really like his snacks – they are also designed to have fiber and protein to keep you full. I got it out of the library and liked the recipes and snacks enough I picked up a used copy on Amazon.
Also, I’m walking a lot more now – parking farther away, taking the bus sometimes, using the stairs always instead of the elevator.
And cutting down on alcohol is a good one! I also buy a ton of La Croix and Perrier sparkling water cans, trying to totally cut down on liquid calories.
bridget
“I’ve tried implementing all of those things again, but the scale hasn’t moved (actually when I increased my cardio to what it was pre-gain, I went up a few more pounds!). ”
This happens. When you’re younger, you pretty much burn fat almost immediately, so you don’t gain that much weight when you also build muscle. As you get older, the fat burn happens noticeably after the increase in physical activity, so there’s this horrible period when you’re actually heavier and chunkier than you were before.
Three months of cardio and weight training at least three times a week. Then weigh yourself. You’ll be happier.
Maddie Ross
If it’s not actually the weight, but how you feel, I think that the fix is a lifestyle change, not a “diet.” Sweat a few times a week in whatever way you prefer; start lifting; cut out sodas and juices in favor of water or sparkling water; eat more whole foods and fewer processed foods; consider a probiotic; work on your regularity (more bran, etc.); cut back or cut out alcohol. I wouldn’t count calories. I would consider just thinking about making healthier decisions in all parts of your life.
anon
If you haven’t already tried it, I would recommend lifting weights. (A), it’s so fun (says the lady who used to not be able to imagine why anyone would do that). (B), it reshapes your body. (C), I have always found it useful for losing weight/burning fat. (D) You get strong! I also find it doesn’t make me as hungry as cardio.
Anonforthis (OP)
Thanks! I had been doing barre for over a year, and but just this month realized that although I really liked the classes, I had little noticeable strength improvement given my time investment. I’d really like to move toward a weightlifting program instead. Many of the women here recommend NROLFW, so I’m planning to check that out. Do you follow that program, or a different one? Any tips for beginners getting into a program?
anon a mouse
NROLFW is very easy to get started with and I saw (minor) improvements in just a few weeks. I also noticed pretty much immediately that I just felt better and my posture improved.
Runner 5
I lost 20 or so pounds with calorie counting a year or so ago and although it was successful I found myself getting too obsessive over it. Since then I’ve put all of that and more back on (Kummerspeck is a real thing). A month or so ago I started the No S Diet (also written as the no $ diet since it doesn’t cost anything). I don’t have scales in the house at the moment so I’m not sure if I’ve lost any weight but I certainly feel better in myself and my relationship with food has improved immeasurably
The diet is: no snacks, seconds or sweets, except sometimes on days that start with s.
Wild Chicken
I found myself in a similar situation that I assume was a result of menopause (I’m 47). One thing that has really worked for me is listening to my body as to when to eat. I used to eat breakfast at 6:30 a.m., then a snack around 9, then lunch, afternoon snack, etc. Now I don’t eat if I am not hungry. Yesterday I didn’t eat anything until noon. I wasn’t actually hungry, and I felt fine until lunchtime. The advice we used to receive was that if you don’t eat regularly, you are going to slow down your metabolism, but everything I’ve read lately says that’s bunk. So I’ve really started to eat only when I’m hungry and it’s made a world of difference – I’ve lost about 8-10 pounds of the 12-15 I put on in the past year.
Anonymous
This is important and true – the whole “small meals more often to keep metabolism going” is false. Every person has different needs, and it’s best if you work with what you have. For example, I pretty much always eat 2 meals a day (large, and then larger!), hate eating in the morning (and then run at lunch on empty stomach, the horror!), and eat my preferred largest meal, dinner, and always sweets afterward. I almost always prefer and enjoy vegetable-heavy, delicious homemade meals, though, and I generally save all desserts for after dinner. So, I agree: work with your body, not against it!
Anonforthis (OP)
Thank you for all of the support and suggestions! I hadn’t even considered that this could be my body reacting to food and weight loss differently due (partly) to age–I don’t feel that old :) I try to stay away from processed foods, but don’t do this as much as I should–that’s definitely a change I can implement better. And I really appreciate all of the comments that I shouldn’t buy into a fad diet, but make real changes to my routine. That’s definitely what I’m looking to do.
I think my biggest hurdles going forward are portion control, saying no to wine more frequently when my SO wants to have a few glasses with dinner, and eliminating some “extras” on meals (eg I’ll have chicken/fish but with unhealthy sauce, salad with heavy dressing, or hummus-with-carrots instead of carrots-with-hummus).
New anon
I think the “extras” things can really help, and with wine too. I try to ask myself whether I actually really really want that second beer, extra cheese, whatever, or just want to feel decadent. Sometimes I really do want it, in which case, fine (and I check in again before beer 3), but sometimes, particularly with things like sauce, the answer is that I’ll likely enjoy the item/myself just as much without it.
Anonymous
Those “extras” can often be a way to add flavor. If you are cooking at home, you might find other ways to add flavor – new spices, home grown veggies (they always seem to taste better to me). Reducing use of salt and sugar can also help reset the palette so you are more sensitive to their usage and don’t need as much to enhance the existing flavor of the food.
Anonforthis
Definitely true that my “extras” add flavor! Especially for my carrots example. But also, it’s an odd moisture/texture thing for me. I find a lot of foods to be dry, and adding that sauce or dressing helps (even if it’s just olive oil, which admittedly isn’t low-cal). I’m still trying to come up for a work-around for that. Maybe it’s just something I have to suck up and get used to.
Anon
If you like salsa that can be a great way to add moisture and flavor without a lot of calories. I try to keep lots of different kinds at home and also frequently make homemade ones (love mango salsa on salmon!) I like it even as a salad dressing. Also try out some fancy vinegars–good balsamic, red wine, etc. Even mixed with a little olive oil it can still help cut down on calories. I also like mustard and have been experimenting with different types on top of chicken and fish.
Mpls
Consider how the underlying food is cooked – is the chicken/fish drying out, requiring something to compensate? Or with dressing, put on half as much as you usually do – you still get the flavor and slickness, but it’s not everywhere.
Are you drinking enough water? Maybe some of the moisture thing is a sensitivity to wanting more water and trying to get it from food. Water intake can be out of whack if you have alcohol and caffeine consumption as well.
Carrots – this is the one vegetable I love most, straight out of the garden. Dirt scrubbed off, but with the peels still on. They are SO much better than the baby carrots from the store. I highly recommend finding carrots like those, and you’ll never need to add flavor again. Store-bought ones just never seem to compare for me.
Anon
Weight Watchers. My ex-H and I both lost 30 lbs on it and we’ve kept it off for 3 years now. I went from a size 14 to a size 6. I recently put 10 lbs back on during a very stressful time and the pounds melted off in just a couple weeks because WW reminds me how to eat correctly.
My problem is junk food. I have, can, and will make a meal out of cheez-its and cookies. Or I’ll eat a large pizza by myself. Obviously, this is absolutely horrible for me, not just for my weight, but for my health. Because fruits and veggies are “free” on WW, I eat tons of those when I’m on the plan. My normal high-carb foods have high point values that I’m not willing to “spend.” I end up eating such a healthy diet on the plan – fresh grilled fish or chicken, tons of fruits and veggies, and I select meaningful carbs instead of shoveling down a box of cheez-its. I feel absolutely amazing on the plan – alert, energetic, I sleep better. That’s healthy eating for you!
WW really changed how my ex-H and I live. We knew the basics of healthy eating – we understood good vs. bad fats, eat more veggies, eat lean protein the size of a deck of cards – but WW brought it home and made it relatable for us. We appreciated the virtual hand-holding the app provided as we saw how many points were in the junk food we’d normally choose vs. healthy choices.
Btw, I only do it online or on my phone. I’ve never been to a meeting bc I’m not that kind of person.
Shopping Help??
Shopping threadjack.. Does anyone want to do some shopping.. I’m going to a formal wedding over Labor Day in Pittsburg and have no idea what to wear. I keep scouring Nordstrom/RTR/etc but can’t find anything I like.. Budget is probably <$200 but <$150 would be nice. Short preferably. I keep picking out dresses that are more for outdoor/casual weddings and not at all appropriate for a formal wedding. If anyone has seen anything they like and would like to send it along, I would be very appreciative!
Bonnie
If you want to go short for a formal wedding, I’d stick to a LBD. Maybe something like this: http://www.neimanmarcus.com/Laundry-by-Shelli-Segal-Sequined-Trim-Blouson-Cocktail-Dress/prod177820342_cat46520813__/p.prod?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat46520813%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526Ns%253DMAX_PROMO_PRICE%2526refinements%253D&eItemId=prod177820342&cmCat=product
Anonymous
Bonnie I know your heart is in the right place- but you always suggest the weirdest clothing suggestions. That dress does not work for a formal dress.
OP- do you have color, sleeve, fit requirements? Whats your size/shape?
Anonymous
I think it would be perfect!
Anonny
“Formal” cocktail = yes
“Formal” black tie = no way
TBK
Why is this a weird choice? Doesn’t strike me as weird if you’re down with black for a wedding.
Cimorene
It just looks much too casual for a wedding designated as “formal.” I think “formal” indicates that many female guests will be in long gowns and men will be in tuxedos. That dress would be out of place.
Bonnie
LBD is a classic choice for formal events.
lsw
Oooo, where’s the wedding at? (I live in Pittsburgh!) Unless you meant Pittsburg, California… :’-(
Shopping Help??
It’s at the Omni William Penn Hotel (and yes, in Pennsylvania, I wish CA though!)
Despite the fact that it’s formal (I think) a decent number of people will be wearing shorter fancy dresses, I just can’t seem to find any I like. In general, darker/saturated colors look best on me, size 0-2. I’d prefer some type of strap but not picky there.
Marie
I always check Neiman Marcus online for evening wear — their “Sale” and “Clearance” sections (be sure to check both) always have great deals. This is a little outside your price range, but if you like green and like a slightly 70s vibe, it would be gorgeous!
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/Haute-Hippie-Tie-Waist-Silk-Halter-Gown/prod173720192_cat46580780__/p.prod?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat46580780%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D0%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D4294965936&eItemId=prod173720192&cmCat=product
Oatmeal
I’ve recently started eating oatmeal daily for breakfast and would love your ideas for what to put in it. Also if anyone has tips on defrosting frozen berries… Thanks in advance!
Killer Kitten Heels
On the frozen berries front, I add the frozen ones to the oatmeal before I add in the hot water (I make my oatmeal by adding boiling water and letting it sit). The berries kind of “melt” into the oatmeal, and it’s really tasty.
Anonymous
Just put the berries in your fridge the night before and add in the morning.
moss
put the berries into the bowl, pour the hot oatmeal over it and they will thaw. Or you can prepare your bowl the night before by putting the berries into it and covering it in the refrigerator. They will be thawed but cold in the morning.
I put cream and brown sugar into mine. Also good are dried berries and coconut flakes. Peanut butter or tahini. Nuts. Chopped up dried apricots.
New Anon
I make a multi-day batch of oatmeal in advance and store it all together. Each evening, I put the next morning’s serving in a container along with frozen cherries (the best frozen fruit, in my opinion) and blueberries and a little milk. Then, I take it to work with me and and microwave it for 1.5 min. Top with yogurt and peanut butter.
In general, if you take the frozen fruit out of the freezer the night before, they’ll be mostly defrosted by the next morning and the heat of the oatmeal will take them the rest of the way.
Anonymous
I just use the microwave.
LondonLeisureYear
Almond butter and Jam
Nuts
Chia Seeds
Chai mix
Flax seeds
A scoop of yogurt
all stone fruits chopped up
Dried fruit
Dried Coconut
My fiance says its like I am eating cold stone ice creams and have my mix ins. After a long week, on Friday sometimes I will put chocolate chips on it with cherry jam and almond butter.
anon
+1
When I was looking into doing this, I got on pinterest and there is a TON on there for “overnight oats” ideas.
In addition to the wonderful ideas above, I like one where you add a little leftover cold coffee, too. I like to sweeten mine with some maple syrup.
Anon
I like to do fruit and nuts–craisins, peach, strawberry, blueberry, or apple and then either pecans or walnuts. I also occasionally mix in peanut butter. I also add cinnamon. I try to use fresh fruit because I don’t really like the texture of defrosted berries in oatmeal (I use those for smoothies), but when I do use them I usually heat them in a pan or in the microwave with a bit of sugar.
CountC
Pretty much what everyone else has already said. I put oats, berries (frozen or fresh), honey, and a nut butter in a tupperware, fill it with coconut milk (eyeball it based on experience) and take it to work with me. I microwave it at work. This can sit in the fridge over night if need be. If you are using frozen berries, use less other liquid as the water from the frozen berries will make it soupy. I also add nuts or golden raisins when I have them laying about.
Bonnie
Overnight oats are a huge time saver. I combine almond milk, oats, flax seed and whatever fruit I have on hand. Some of my favorite combinations are raisins and cinnamon or peanut butter and banana.
A Nonny Moose
PB + banana is my fave too. YUM. The sweet + salty is just so good together!
TBK
Add a couple shakes of cardamom and a drop of vanilla extract to the water before you put in the oatmeal.
Bonnie
That sounds delicious TBK.
Annie
I use quick oats (not the same as instant), so I just mix the oats, water, and frozen blueberries together and microwave for two minutes, which seems like the perfect amount of time to cook the oats and thaw small berries. Then I add brown sugar and walnuts.
CMC
I have this most mornings in my cube:
Put 1/3 cup old-fashioned oats in a large coffee mug. Add pinch salt, several shakes cinnamon, small handful raisins. Eat half a banana, add the other half to the mug; cut into rough slices with spoon. Add enough hot water from the coffee machine to just cover all ingredients. Let sit for a few minutes. Stir vigorously to break up the banana slices. Done and delicious.
I used to add some sugar and a spoonful of peanut butter, which is tasty. But you know, trying to cut down some calories where they aren’t needed, and the banana makes it sweet enough on its own.
Anon
I need some advice.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 9 months and I think he’s the best guy I’ve ever been with. I’m crazy about him and think we have a real future together. He feels the same.
However, I’m the problem. When I get upset or depressed or stressed out, I end up taking it out on him, even if what I’m upset about has nothing to do with him. I feel awful about it – I don’t want to treat the man I love this way. But when I’m upset, I just lose control.
I have an appointment with my therapist and doctor about this – I have a sneaking suspicion that part of my problem may be my birth control pills and also my underlying insecurities about the relationship so I’m trying to fix the underlying problems here.
But I don’t know how to stop this in the short-term. I’m going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me if I’m not careful and that terrifies me but I don’t know how to fix it.
Any advice?
anon
How do you not know how not to be nasty? You’re an adult but you lose control that often? Don’t be b!tchy. If you start off being nasty, then stop, apologize, and start over.
NytoCO
What a ridiculous thing to say. This is clearly not a “being purposefully bitchy” issue. It’s probably a mental health/stress management issue.
OP, I have dealt with this myself. No, it does not mean that you aren’t right for each other (though I do agree that you should try to get this under control as soon as possible so he doesn’t start to think that’s true). Yes, it does mean that you take your frustration out on the person closest to you. Try to parse whether you have done this with other SOs in the past (or best friends, parents, etc). Either way, get thee to a therapist.
Anonymous
Break up with him. Your problem isn’t your birth control. That’s absurd. Your problem is that you don’t actually like him all that much. You’re trying to talk yourself into a life together while you still have significant enough insecurities about the relationship that you’re being mean. That isn’t a good relationship.
End it.
Anonymous
Disagree. It could actually be related to synthetic hormone fluctuations. I took various brands of bcp’s for 10 years and had a variety of mood fluctuations. The very worst was the mini-pill. I have been off oral contraceptives for a year and absolutely feel like a new person. I wouldn’t just discount it immediately, in some cases it can deeply impact your quality of life.
Anonymous
Yeah the pill doesn’t just make you mean to one specific person who you have insecurities about though.
Anonymous
Well, if you had ever experienced this you would understand that you have way, way less ability to manage your emotions. So you end up burning through that just to get through the day at work, etc. there’s little left for your loved ones after that. It’s hard to explain if you haven’t been there.
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this $51 blazer! Great pick Kat! As for the OP, I also DISAGREE. Do NOT be so fast to dump your boyfreind. It took me along time to decide to get rid of Sheketovits, and that was after he was throwing up on my Persian Rug, soiling my towels and 1000 count Egyptian Cotton Sheets, and makeing me do things sexueally for him that were gross and uncomforteable. FOOEY! He brought virtualy NOTHING to the table, and he lost his job, and I had to pay for all of our food. DOUBEL FOOEY!
Your guy sounds like heaven compared to Sheketovits. I would look inward and see what it is in YOUR life that needs to be fixed, and fix it. When I find another boyfreind, I will be more carful, and not do stuff sexueally with him or let him move in if he is a drunk and useless. My boyfreind must make money and want kids and a house in the suburb’s. That is all. Good luck to you. YAY!!
Hannah
Wise words from Ellen! A good man is hard to find, especially one that can meet your needs and warm your loins. When you find one, you should not be quick to get rid of him.
TBK
Uh, what? Maybe “insecurities about the relationship” means she’s not sure about him, but that doesn’t mesh with everything else she said. I took that to mean that she felt insecure about whether he loved her enough and so she lashes out to avoid getting hurt. Which is not that uncommon. OP, can you say to him what you’ve said here, that you realize you’re doing this, you’re trying to stop and you have an appointment to talk with someone, and would he give you some latitude on this as you work through it? That should give you the short-term support you need and then the therapist can help you figure out the rest (including whether it’s really all you, whether you’re really that into the relationship, why you might be acting this way, etc.).
anon
Therapy, therapy, therapy. I am also struggling with this precise issue. Three years ago I promised my bf that I would “work on it,” and I really tried, but I didn’t have any strategies or tools, so it was really hard for me to make good on that promise. After a year of therapy, I still slip up, but I’m getting so much better at being in control of my emotional responses to frustrating situations.
A few thoughts:
(1) Slow down. Pause. Whenever possible stop before you say anything in those frustrating moments. Even just stopping to think of what to say will usually prevent a snapping outburst.
(2) Pausing is easier when you’re relaxed in other areas of your life, so try to do what you can to reduce how stressed out and upset you are otherwise. Exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep, keeping hydrated, making sure you’re getting all your nutrients and vitamins. It’s easier to not take stress out on others when you’re not stressed out.
(3) Try to figure out what is at the root of your lashing out. Since you mention “underlying insecurities about the relationship” I suspect there are deeper underlying insecurities about your worth as a person in general… the lashing out may be a defense mechanism. You can work on those underlying issues in therapy, but it might be worth thinking about on your own without therapy.
(4) Finally, be gentle and understanding with yourself. Your behavior is totally inappropriate, but you’ve recognized that and want to change… If you’re anything like me, this behavior was modeled for you by other people in your life, and it’s a 25+ year habit that you’ve got to work on undoing. It won’t happen overnight. Your boyfriend might get fed up and leave you in the meantime, that’s his choice, but it’s still work worth doing, and you’ll be fine even if that happens, and better for having recognized this problem now. You can do this. Stop the cycle now. You can do this.
Good luck…!!!
January
Re (3), try to sort out whether your “underlying insecurities about the relationship” have to do with you or with the relationship. It could be you feel/felt very insecure about yourself before the relationship began and you’re carrying that with you, or it could be something else, like the relationship isn’t meeting your needs in some way. Good luck, though. I was deeply depressed on one very common BCP.
mascot
1) Tell him all of this. That this is a problem for you and you are trying to fix it. Listen to his take and his suggestions. Acknowledging the issues can go a long way. Also, he may be able to (gently) call you out/redirect you when you start kicking the dog so to speak.
2) Find a better outlet for your stress. Maybe its a run, maybe you rageknead some bread dough, whatever. Protect this coping mechanism and make time for doing it as needed.
3) The pill made me ragey so you may be onto something there. But, still do 1&2 during and after figuring that out.
CountC
I agree that the problem is most likely not your birth control. The problem is your anger management. Therapy is needed for sure.
In the meantime, if you are upset, walk the heck away! You seem to be able to recognize when you are upset, so when you feel yourself getting upset, go for a walk, go to another room, go the gym, whatever it takes to get away from this person who you are necessarily lashing out at.
Listen, I am not perfect, I get upset and raise my voice sometimes. I am not proud of it, but you know what, I am an adult who needs to take responsibilities for my actions. The minute I feel my voice rising, I stop, I step away, I say I need a minute, whatever it is that I know works for me in that moment, and I regroup to regain control of my emotions. It’s taken a lot of therapy and personal growth to get to that point and to be honest, I wasn’t truly able to be a good partner for someone until I got that help and learned how to recognize and respond appropriately to my emotions.
Senior Attorney
It may well be the birth control, but while you get that sorted out you need to take responsibility for protecting him from your raginess. So yes, walk away. Leave the room. Leave the building if you have to. But do not ever give yourself permission to be nasty to the person you supposedly love.
Anonymous
Wow.
As someone who had very serious anxiety/anger issues while on the wrong kind of birth control, I can assume that the above comments are not serious. Some people react very badly to hormones. It’s not a case of ‘not knowing how not to be nasty’ if this happens, sure there is usually something underlying going on, but the pill can really mess you up.
My ex broke up with me because of this (and I can totally understand why), and I’m not saying that definitely the issue here is the birth control, bearing in mind the reference to other insecurities, but my point is that those who have not been in the hell that can be hormone-inflicted rage should not judge.
Anonymous
Just to be clear, I did not, at the time of the break up, realise the hormones were a factor, but I agree with the above comments that you should talk to him about this, stat. If he is to be your long term squeeze, this is the kind of thing you have to work through together and be able to talk about.
anon
I think she can absolutely control herself. She’s not in a hormonal rage at the entire world, getting into fights with cops and whatnot. She’s taking her feelings out ON HER BOYFRIEND. That means she can control herself the rest of the time and treats him like sh!t because she feels he is a safe target.
I don’t think it matters if it’s hormonal, situational, lack of sleep, too much drinking, or she’s got a hot springs of rage that erupts like Old Faithful. You can feel rage and not take it out on your lover. There is no sense in which you can’t control the way you treat people in your life.
Anonymous
Have you ever actually experienced significant mood-related side effects from birth control pills? If not I’d stay away from sweeping generalizations. For those of us who have, we are telling you the effects are significant. Just because you’ve never experienced them doesn’t mean they don’t exist and don’t seriously Impact quality of life for some women.
First Year Anon
Yah, I agree. I have had birth control hormones make me feel the worst sadness I have ever felt, it’s like this huge dark hole forms and nothing.will.fix.it. The weird thing is is that it often comes about after having a great day, then all of the sudden, bam! Sadness.
I have taken out my frustration on BFs due to hormones, but usually it is something that was bothering me about him (I don’ t take out unrelated frustrations on him, like if something bothers me at work). I find it helps to be aware of where I am in my cycle and learn to pretty much just walk away, avoid, turn off my phone, etc, if i feel an attack coming on. It’s usually gone in a few hours.
I think it’s partly your responsibility to learn how to manage it, but I also understand how hard this can be.
ALN
Absolutely. When I was on the shot, I’d have total and sudden mood swings that were awful. I’d be going along with my day, totally pleasant, and then some small thing would happen and my mood would just snap and last that way for hours if not days. Like it would start as anger and then subside into sadness. Terrible. You have to recognize the pattern to be able to anything about it, so you’re halfway there.
Furthermore, I’m very familiar with taking out your emotions on the one person you shouldn’t. If you’re naturally introverted, for example, or don’t trust many other people, often you can resist being b!tchy to the rest of the world, but it all comes out when you go home. Completely unhealthy, but I’m just saying that the other commenters talking about how it’s a bad relationship are off. It’s a you problem and yes, you need to work on it, but hopefully you can learn to take a breath and talk it out with your SO, rather than be nasty to him.
Anonymous
People who react badly to hormones don’t just react badly to one specific thing. Nope.
Anonymous
And you’re an expert how?
NytoCO
You seem to be having a hard time understanding. She isn’t reacting to one specific thing. She’s taking out her frustrations on the person closest to her, who happens to be her boyfriend. He’s also probably the only one who would put up with it. Is that a good thing? Not at all. But this is not an issue of secretly hating her boyfriend.
Beth
I can sympathize with the losing control. On a BC I was previously on, I was completely aware that I was being a completely unreasonable terror, but felt like I couldn’t stop myself. What helped me was isolating myself (usually by taking a shower) for 15 minutes when I felt the freak out building. Then you have to logic your way through it – the thoughts that could usually get through for me were: (1) this is not me, I am not broken, these are hormones (2) I will be in control in a day or two if I can ride this hormone wave; and, after those thoughts sunk in, isolating the stressor and picking 2 small steps to deal with that immediately. That was enough to make me feel like I was in control. Although still anxious and nervy, that prevented the nastiness I eventually recognized was my response to feeling out of control.
And then I got off that BC stat.
Anonymous
Yes! That’s how I felt too when I was in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing your experience.
First Year Anon
Yes, I feel very out of control when hormone sadness sets in. Not like ragey out of control, but this deep sadness that my life is so totally out of my control.
The above tips are good, IMO.
Anon OP
Thank you all for the kind replies and advice. It’s reassuring to know that other people have had similar emotional reactions on BC – I really do love him and don’t want to break up with him. I’m not mean or upset because I don’t care enough about him – I just do feel powerless at times to control it. I will try to walk away and stop myself because I don’t want to destroy the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Thank you all again – I really appreciate this community.
Anon
I was in this same situation, except in addition to my SO, I would also lash out at my mom. Lexapro fixed it by about 85%. I’ve actually been off it for 7 months now and have still been able to control it MUCH better even since being off of it.
NytoCO
There is a lot of blaming birth control going on here. While I certainly think that could be the issue in your case, birth control is not the only reason a given person would act like this– and I still think you should go to therapy because I think the BC might be exaggerating something that you already have a slight issue with, but are usually able to control.
anon
I also have trouble controlling my anger. It’s really terrible. I understand how difficult it can be.
When you have some time alone, think about what situations tend to trigger you. For me, I often found myself overreacting on Friday nights or Saturday mornings after a long stressful week. Now I try to schedule down time for myself during those times (a yoga class). Developing some self awareness about when you are prone to becoming upset can help you catch the signs earlier before it becomes a full-blown problem. It helps you feel more in control when you understand why you are behaving a certain way and try to prevent it.
OB/GYN recs - Chicago?
Hi all – I will be relocating to Chicago and was wondering if anyone has any recommendations for gynecologists? I have a few issues (including anticipated complications if I decide to get pregnant in the future – up to the point where I’ve felt very judged by previous doctors for not wanting an IUD, bc an unplanned pregnancy would be not good) so anyone who’s had good experiences with something like that would be much appreciated. Thanks!!
Chi
Don’t totally understand what you’re saying re IUD/complications/unplanned pregnancy, but Dr. Baer at Gynecologic Specialists of Northwestern (and really anyone in that practice) is really fantastic. Open, frank, friendly, smart, etc. They’re a good bunch.
Anna
No idea why my comment isn’t showing – trying again!
Don’t totally understand what you’re saying re IUD/complications/unplanned pregnancy, but Dr. Baer at Gynecologic Specialists of Northwestern (and really anyone in that practice) is really fantastic. Open, frank, friendly, smart, etc. They’re a good bunch.
Anonymous
Thank you! The IUD comment was worded poorly – basically my previous doctor pushed extremely hard for an IUD because an unplanned pregnancy could be dangerous, even though I really didn’t want one, and made me feel really bad about it. I hope to find a doctor who can work with my birth control choices in a positive way!
Anna
Ah gotcha. Go with Dr. Baer if you can get in with her, she’s really good about that in my experience!
Shayla
Dr. Kate Nash or Dr. Brook Wharton at Progressive Care for Women! love them! Cheesy business name, but you can’t win it all.
Shayla
http://www.pc4w.com/
AEK
In Chicago proper, Scott Moses with Northwestern Medical Group.
Anon-Chi
Downtown and Northbrook – Dr. Kleinberg at Assoc. for Women’s Health Care.
Money Woes
Can we talk about money? I count myself lucky to make a very decent living compared to 99% of the world´s population. Nonetheless, I worry about money on a daily basis and feel like I really, really need to budget. Is this normal? Shouldn´t I feel filthy rich? Is there anything I am grossly overspending on, based on my income?
Not wishing to start a who-makes-how-much thread, just as background:
Here´s my monthly budget (DH makes slightly more, but also covers more costs):
Take-home pay: 3000
Expenses:
Savings & Retirement: 725 (24%)
Rent, Utilities, Internet, TV, Transportation: 1100 (37%, 500 is transportation, 600 is rent & related costs – to me this is just one category as less commuting costs would mean higher rent)
Groceries & Office Lunch: 420 (14%)
Gym & Sports: 130 (4%)
Donations: 30 (1% – I donate an additional 100 out of my pre-tax income)
Vacation: 420 (14%, DH insists on travelling overseas “nicely” at least 1x per year as long as we do not have kids – this is non-negotiable for him)
Rest (for eating out, having friends over, gifts, clothes, furniture, small repairs…) 175 (6%)
Zero loans/ mortgages and 35.000 savings/ retirement, 37 yrs.
Any tax refund goes directly towards travel or savings.
DH thinks I should get a grip as we are living totally debt-free, have decent savings and I have an annual bonus (3000 net) for unplanned splurges/ costs. I think he´s crazy for not budgeting…
Anonymous
I think you should get a grip, and he should make a budget. There’s a happy medium between constant anxiety and no plan at all.
Anonymous
This. Though I will say the vacation portion seems a little high if that’s just for your half. If it’s for both you and DH, sounds about right, but otherwise, I think you could cut that back and still have a pretty nice international trip.
moss
I think you don’t like being forced to set aside money for travel. It sounds like that bothers you some.
lsw
Agree. And, that’s a LOT per month. Are you getting an equal-ish amount set aside for something YOU love? (it looks like no, based on your budget)
Money Woes
Yes, some. Only that it is really, really non-negotiable for DH. He enjoys splurging on this, and travelling solo is not really an option when you´re married. So probably not much I can do about it wothout getting in a huge fight.
To be fair, he was content to put vacation/ career/ family on the back burner for 3 years while I worked on my degree.
moss
Travelling solo is absolutely an option when you’re married! And it looks like a huge chunk of your discretionary income is going to HIS non-negotiable travel wants and nothing to something you want. This would be a huge problem for me.
He’s requiring you to put $5000+ per year into a vacation fund and you can’t change that because there would be a huge fight? Oh, honey…
Anonymous
Separate vacations are an option if you are married. Husband wants to do the Camino. I would love to do it, but can’t get off that much time (plus we have children). He and his adult son will do the Camino (and if son can’t go, he will go solo but try to get in with a group). Otherwise, he’d never do something he wants to do that is important to him.
[I will get a spa day with friends out of this, and a some time in a snoring-free bedroom, so no worries.]
Mpls
Uh – you can totally travel solo, even if you are married. It might not be as much fun, but it’s not off the table. Is it really a need every year? Can you propose alternating it with domestic travel, or some other activity YOU like? Assuming you are in the US, there is a lot of pretty awesome stuff within our own borders (starts spiel on our incredible National Parks system).
Anonymous
If I can play armchair therapist, do you feel a bit out of control in your relationship with him (not able to address your needs, bring things up safely) and you are pinning your hopes to fix this problem with a budget?
Money Woes
Maybe so. I tend to over-control some areas of life (here: money) when other areas (here: TTC) are out of my control.
Cimorene
Should we read this to mean that you want to TTC and he does not?
mascot
Budget to me means to allocate funds and have a plan, which you are doing. If you want to save more aggressively, then find a place to cut back. A 25% savings rate seems pretty strong though. Sounds like you’ve got some anxiety about money that you might want to work on.
Mpls
+1 To use the YNAB vernacular, you are giving every dollar a job. The job of some of it is to be spent, and the job of others is to be saved. Creating a budget helps you know if you are assigning those jobs in a way that supports the goals for your money.
bridget
The good: retirement savings.
I agree that the vacation spending is high (that’s five thousand dollars a year just from you, and apparently another five grand from him). This might be a stupid question,but can’t you travel “nicely” on less than ten or twelve thousand dollars?
As for the rest: I think you’re a victim of the “it’s just a few dollars” problem. Assuming that your husband spends the same, you two are spending about $900 a month, or $10,000 a year, on groceries and office lunches. Collectively, you’re spending three grand a year on gym memberships.
It’s fine to pay for (inexpensive) office lunches every day, or to have an expensive gym membership, or to travel in style every year… you just can’t do it all. Pick one or two things to spend a lot of money on, and then scrimp on the rest.
Katie
What you do worry about, more specifically? From this picture, it looks like you budget and are in control. Is it that your husband doesn’t budget his money? Do you tend to go over budget? Are you worried about the future (life with kids, for example)? Or retirement? Your savings rate looks good.
Money Woes
Biggest worry is that DH does not budget and might overspend. We have seperate accounts. Our approach towards money (and luckily nothing else) has drifted apart in the past years. I am very frugal and have become more so over the years. He is very un-frugal and has become more so over the years. This does not mean that he spends money lavishly (apart from vacation). Only that, to him, if he wants something in the mid-price category, he simply buys it because “we can afford it”.
Anon
When you say you have separate accounts, does that mean no agreement on retirement and savings contributions? Because we’re on the same page with savings, retirement, shelter/food/etc., and then above and beyond that, discretionary income is up to the spender. If he wants to buy one expensive stereo system or thousands of bags of gummi worms, it’s his business.
Anonymous
Joint savings/ retirement, contributions split based on income. Small separate retirement accounts. Rent/ utilities/ commuting costs split based on income. Anything else is (ideally) 50:50.
Anonymous
I’m going to say maybe this is a counseling issue, more than a budgeting one.
moss
So I ended up asking for a refund on the Bellabeat Leaf. They had sent me an email that all the Leafs would ship by the end of July. I waited a week into August and didn’t hear anything from them. I started looking at reviews online and there seemed to be many kinks in the accompanying app as well as the physical product itself. I decided to just cancel my order and they have refunded my money.
And that’s all the news on the Bellabeat Leaf.
I’m still interested in a product like that & will be keeping an eye on the Leaf. Maybe future iterations will have the bugs worked out, but I don’t beta-test for free.
Bonnie
FWIF, Misfit has amazing customer service. They’ve sent me new bands for free when the original ones stretched out. And when I didn’t change the battery for a while, they emailed me and offered to send me a new battery for free. They also have dressier holders for the device.
moss
Thank you! The features I liked about the Leaf were the period tracking (but i’m more interested in upcoming menopause than fertility) and the activity reminder (which was something that was buggy, apparently the leaf will buzz on a set schedule rather than actually tracking your activity).
Does the misfit have those features, that you know of?
Bonnie
No, it’s more for activity, sleep and calorie tracking.
whole30
What do you all think about the Whole30 program? I’m contemplating starting one next week and would be interested to hear any thoughts, results, or advice.
BeenThatGuy
Commit to the 30 days. It’s very, very hard. But very, very worth it. It’s not for everyone but I think everyone should at least try it once in their life. I’ve done it and then transitioned to Paleo/Primal eating.
DisenchantedinDC
It’s worthwhile. But it’s easy to let it get to your head and become evangelical about it, so don’t do that. (I’ve been there)
The hardest thing is bumbling your way through it at first. Now I have my go-to recipes, etc when I want to eat a clean meal. I’d recommend paleo fried chicken from paleo comfort foods, making “pesto” without the cheese and adding an avocado (sauce for noodles made from zuchinni!), and frittatas. Also, we’re getting in to the season where you could make butternut squash and chorizo soup, too, yum.
I’ve lost 60-some pounds eating mostly paleo. I put 25-30 of that back on. So, YMMV.
anon
I simply cannot emphasize enough how much I loved my Whole30 experience. I realized so much about how my body reacts to particular foods. During the pure Whole 30, I slept better, I felt better, my body was more regular than it’s ever been times 1 billion, etc.
Tips –
Be prepared for lots of dirty dishes.
Plan – order/buy things that you can eat easily on the go. fruit, pre-cut veggies, Apples, larabars in moderation saved me when I had to eat in the car due to litigation schedule
If you have some particularly tough habits to break, break them before you start whole30. Whole30 is strict, but my normal diet wasn’t so far off of Whole30 that doing Whole30 seemed impossible. Example – I don’t drink soda. If I did drink soda and started whole30, I think I would’ve gone bonkers. So, I’d give up the soda before hand.
Keep salsa on hand
Avocado and eggs are your friends
Dried seaweed (that’s compliant) is a great salty snack when you’re craving salt.
Follow Whole 30 on FB. They put a lot of good ideas up there and it’s encouraging.
Really – once you get past the first few days, I found it was fairly smooth sailing.
I still can’t get used to black coffee and I’m a good 4 months post-whole 30. I use coconut milk in my coffee.
Anonymous
I think it’s a crazy restrictive scientifically dubious program for people who want to make food their hobby.
Anon
Can I get an Amen?
Anonny
A-freaking-men
DisenchantedinDC
I actually agree that the science is dubious at best. I have a friend who has a blog dedicated to that idea. it’s called “Nutrition as I Know It”.
But, for most people, it kind of works. Not because SCIENCE, though.
HSAL
I’ve never tried it (and most likely never would) but this is interesting to me. It seems like it could have some value to particular people, like the anon above who learned how her body reacted to specific foods, and people who genuinely feel good at the end of the 30 days, but at the same time I worry about the recent obsession with “eating clean”. Has anyone seen any legit studies on its effects?
Runner 5
Look up orthorexia nervosa – it’s been a recognised condition since 1997. There’s a good Guardian article titled “Healthy food obsession sparks rise in new eating disorder” by Amelia Hill about it. (So that you can find it, since links often get stuck)
Moonstone
That’s an interesting article.
HSAL
Thanks Runner 5, that’s really interesting. I was surprised to see it was written in 2009 – it seems like the “clean” trend has been more visible (to me at least) for just the last 2-3 years.
CMC
Favorite recent quote about this:
“I shy away from the term ‘clean eating’. I appreciate that people use the term to describe eating plans that include high-quality, unprocessed foods and perhaps organic and locally-grown foods, and I applaud their efforts to eat nutritious foods. But I have a hard time with the clean-eating label because it makes me think that if you’re not eating ‘clean’ then you’re eating ‘dirty.’ Also, clean eating doesn’t necessarily equal a balanced diet. As much as I’ve tried to embrace the clean eating term, I sense some shame in it. For example, people may feel bad that they can’t ‘eat clean,’ because the cost is prohibitive or it’s inconvenient. And I sometimes get the idea that die-hard clean eaters look down on people who don’t eat the same way, and that they use the term to define themselves rather than their eating. I’d love it if we could ditch the eating labels and try to eat the fewest processed foods possible as part of a balanced diet we can afford and live with in the long-run.”
–Elizabeth M. Ward, RD, author of MyPlate for Moms, How to Feed Yourself & Your Family Better
From this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/23/nutrition-misunderstood_n_5508695.html
CMC
Ha, and by recent I mean over a year ago!
Cimorene
+10,000. Seems like every day there is a new article about how paleo diets are bunk and unhealthy.
DC Darling
If you’re using it as a means of jump starting a life change in terms of diet and exercise, sure. Otherwise this type of program of extreme restriction is not sustainable and many people gain back the weight after the 30 days.
Anonymous
Does anyone have an vegetarian meals they like (not salads) that aren’t cheese, bean, or soy heavy? For medical reasons soy is really bad for me and cheese/dairy makes my face break out. I just don’t like beans. I became vegetarian 3 months ago for ethical reasons, but I don’t know if I can keep it up because I can’t find decent recipes. I love to cook, so lack of fun recipes is just making me sad.
anon
Vegan Richa has a lot of soy-free vegan (so no-dairy) recipes. http://www.veganricha.com/ Her indian recipes and pizzas are particularly yummy.
Anon
Oh She Glows dot com (no affiliation/relation)
CTAtty
Her cookbook is great, too.
lsw
This is one of my very favorite recipes. I bet you could use coconut yogurt and it would taste amazing! http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/quinoa-with-mango-and-curried-yogurt-108112
Do you like chickpeas? I think they are very different from most beans and there are a lot of great recipes with chickpeas and chickpea flour. (Google Mad Mex Chickpea Chili – it’s awesome – but it should only be 2 tsp salt, not 2 tablespoon)
Are egg-based recipes good for you? That would get you the necessary protein,at least.
Gail the Goldfish
This is probably supposed to be a side, but I eat it as a meal:
http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/pot-roasted-eggplant-with-tomatoes-and-cumin
I’d check Middle Eastern cookbooks–I think they have a lot of vegetarian items that are traditionally sides that you could make a couple of to make up a meal (I’m a big fan of hummus+baba ghanouj+small greek salad for a meal).
tesyaa
If you eat eggs, a frittata with vegetables thrown in is delicious and easy.
This one is non-dairy:
http://www.loveandlemons.com/2014/07/28/tomato-zucchini-frittata/
Kdlaf
Do you like lentils? If so this is my all-time favorite soup recipe/favorite food blog: http://food52.com/recipes/25419-a-simple-homey-coconut-y-red-lentil-dal
I also recommend a simple stir fry with brown rice for a quick everyday veggie meal (Trader joe’s stir fry sauce is great!) and here are some great veggie friendly food blogs:
smitten kitchen
green kitchen stories
dolly and oatmeal
roses
I’m sure I could come up with recipes for you, but I’d think hard about whether being a vegetarian is healthy for you given your food restrictions (I say this as a committed life-long vegetarian). Without dairy, soy, and beans, the only foods I can think of that you could eat that are predominantly protein are eggs and maybe lentils if you eat them. Nuts and protein-rich grains (quinoa, spelt, etc.) are great but it will be hard to rely on them for protein. I’d try to see if you can incorporate more beans into your diet in ways you like, or perhaps researching ways that you could ethically eat meat.
Bonnie
This. Getting sufficient protein is going to be hard if you cut out dairy, soy and beans.
OP
I’m at a nexis where I am starting to think that although I feel bad for eating animals, it really may not be healthy or long term sustainable for me. I have an appointment with my doctor in a little less than a month an plan to discuss it with her then. I appreciate all of the recipes!
L
could you look into some vegan based protein shakes to supplement?
Also, I was reading an article about one of the NFL players who’s now vegan; he makes bean based smoothies. I realize you said no beans, but maybe if you mask them they could be an option.
Blonde Lawyer
I’d ethically like to be vegetarian but I am medically gluten free and dairy free among other things and my husband also has his own food restrictions that knock out most vegetarian meals. I can’t have avocado and he can’t have nightshades (potato, tomato, peppers, eggplant, paprika.) So, to the extent possible, we buy ethically sourced / humane meat. I’m lucky because my local grocery store has a special section with such products. The store vets the farms that it sells in this section and I also personally look them up too. I feel like there is a huge ethical difference between eating meat that roamed a field as an animal and was slaughtered in the most humane way possible over eating factory farmed animals. Another friend who is ethically vegetarian will make exceptions and eat meat that is hunted from the wild in a humane manner. Different strokes.
Anon4this
I’ve been a vegetarian for more than 15 years, and am admittedly very judgy about the amount of meat most Americans consume. When I got pregnant, I added wild-caught fish and ethically raised chicken into my diet, and I’ve never felt better. I get my chicken from only one of two places at this point: my local farmer’s market (I have researched the farming practices of the farm and speak with the farmer every week when I buy), or White Oak Pastures (sold at my local whole foods). Both farms allow chickens to completely roam around free and I truly believe their lives are not bad. White Oak even built slaughterhouses on its farm so that the chickens wouldn’t have to go through the horrible transportation process. Neat article in NYT about them earlier this year: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/11/dining/at-white-oak-pastures-grass-fed-beef-is-only-the-beginning.html?_r=0
As the poster above wrote, I also see the analogy extending to wild-hunted meat, although I have no desire to eat “red” meat (including pork, etc. in this), so I don’t worry myself too much about it. I feel much more satisfied and energetic with just chicken and wild-caught fish in my diet.
Anyway, just chiming in as a fellow person very committed to animal rights and very concerned about the ethics of meat-eating, that IMO at least, there is a way to do it responsibly (although not inexpensively!).
wild fish
I second the suggestion to consider wild caught salmon. A wild salmon caught at the mouth of a river is literally 1-4 weeks away from its natural death. They live in the ocean for a few years, then return to their home rivers to spawn, and die immediately afterwards. Once they begin spawning they stop eating and start starving. Might as well eat a few before that happens! If you live anywhere on the west coast of NA, wild salmon should be readily available. It’s not cheap but it’s very tasty and healthy.
Clementine
I really sympathize with this. I was a vegetarian for 11 years and vegan for part of that. Much of it was for ethical concerns. I came to the realization that my body just does better overall when I eat a small amount of meat (actually, my mother and sister have both come to the same realization as well).
I’ve reconciled myself to the fact that, yes. I am eating an animal. Really though, I’ve known quite a few chickens and they are kind of jerks. Yes, I’m kidding here, but I’ve come to a place where I choose to eat a small amount of meat from farmers I know and know how they treat their animals. I eat fowl and fish and goat and occasionally beef, but I pass on the pig and lamb because that’s what works for me.
As far as vegan protein sources go: pea protein and hemp protein are two good ones.
WJM-TV
This. I don’t eat much dairy or meat, but I need my various types of beans to work as my protein.
Runner 5
Is Quorn available where you live? It’s mushroom-based (mycoprotein) and I love it. Some people don’t like the taste and I will say that you have to be fairly heavy-handed with spices and flavours in your cooking but it’s incredibly convenient (mostly can be cooked from frozen, for example).
LT Vegan
I have been vegan for 4 years now, so I am used to eat varied foods.
If you are not gluten intolerant Seitan is a great option. Very high in protein, iron. It’ s made from wheat.
http://vegetarian.about.com/od/glossary/g/Seitan.htm
You can spice it and cook it as you wish. I like to marinade (soy sauce, a little basil, a little thyme and little bay leaf and leave it for some time and then I add a little sesame oil at the end, but you can really prepare as you wish) it then I pan fry it.
Hope it helps :)
AN
Google vegrecipesofindia.com
Coach Laura
The Gluten Free Goddess is not able to eat soy or dairy or beans (in addition to gluten) so she has a bunch of tasty entrees that are vegan. (Some previous recipes have cheese and/or meat but the newer ones are more vegan-oriented.) You don’t have to make everything GF if you don’t want to and could sub in wheat if you wish. www[dot]glutenfreegoddess[dot]com
anonymous
Tips to deal with anxiety? For context, I’m going though something work-related that’s very stressful and I feel has the potential to crush one of my biggest recent hopes/aspirations. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get over the disappointment, but I won’t know more until next week at the earliest, and it could drag on still. That’s to say this isn’t an ongoing anxiety problem so much as dealing with the stress of this new development and just having to wait and see for something that meant so much to me.