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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This animal print cardigan from Everlane might be in the running for my new favorite “office cardigan.” I would keep it on the back of my chair and wear it with EVERYTHING. Note that it also comes in a much more subtle “canvas/snow” colorway.
Do note that it has an oversized fit, so if you’d prefer something a bit slimmer-fitting, you’ll probably want to size down.
The sweater is $168 at Everlane and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anonymous
I’m helping a loved one navigate a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. It’s a new diagnosis and she’s only in her early 50’s. Life expectancy could be a decade plus but it could also be less, depending on how she responds to treatment. She’s currently on leave from work through the end of the year. It’s been a bumpy couple of months but she’s currently feeling ok-ish.
The oncologist has said that people with this diagnosis qualify for full disability just by virtue of having the diagnosis. Her employer’s plan would pay 60% of her salary, which she could easily live on, but losing the employer-sponsored insurance in 30 months would be a bummer.
Right now she could work, but it’s so hard to know what to do with an uncertain prognosis. She generally really likes her job and coworkers. If she knew she had at least several more good years, she would probably want to go back to work in some capacity, but if she knew she only had 12 more good months or something, she would go on disability right away. The uncertainty is so hard.
Are there any professionals who advise on an hourly basis on disability/insurance/return to work? One question she has is if she tries to return to work in January but it doesn’t feel good or things change, will the fact that she didn’t take disability right away make it harder to get down the road or negatively impact her in some way. I’m seeing some law firms that operate in this area but they all seem to do it on contingency by helping you apply, but I don’t think applying or actually getting disability would be an issue. She just has some questions and would like to find someone she could pay an hourly rate for a few hours of consultation. Does this exist? Any thoughts or advice on navigating this situation would be welcome. Thank you.
Anon
I think you’re both overthinking this. She has stage 4 cancer. No matter how good her prognosis, she needs to spend her energy getting better, not working. Take the disability and if she’s alive in 30 months, she can decide between the marketplace plans or getting a job that provides coverage.
Anonymous
She’s terminally ill, she’s not going to get better. Her decisions now are truly life changing and no, she is not over thinking it.
Anon
I’m mot going to start a fight on someone else’s cancer thread. I suggest you re-read the OP’s post and see where she said that her friend could live for another decade.
Anonymous
It is a little more complicated than that – many people with Stage 4 cancer now can be considered relatively chronic and survive for years. Not true for everyone, but it is more true than it’s ever been. They may not consider themselves terminal, per se.
anon
This. FIL beat sage 4 cancer. He fought like he l l but he’s currently NED (no evidence of disease) and has been that way for almost a decade.
Anon
Yeah, I think it really depends on the cancer and the circumstances. We have a relative who is in year 7 or 8 of living with stage 4 lung cancer. She’s had a bunch of experimental treatments which extended her life even if they didn’t cure her.
Anonymous
You probably want a geriatric case manager. Don’t be put off by the name, but there aren’t a lot of resources for people who are much younger.
Anonymous
Can she ask her oncologist either for advice or a referral for her questions? The primary question seems to be what if she goes back to work and finds out it isn’t doable or she gets sicker? My understanding is that she could still go on disability, she wouldn’t be penalized if at that time her doctor said she was unable to work. She, or you, should also read her insurance paperwork carefully.
I wouldn’t push for quitting her job until she decides she must. Losing her health insurance could be more than a “bummer.” You don’t want to be changing doctors and specialists when you’re terminally ill. The unfortunate reality is once she lives her current job, it will be difficult or impossible to replace it. That’s not to say she doesn’t leave, but she needs to understand the implications.
I’m sorry that she has to deal with this diagnosis. The best advice I can offer is this really is day by day, and she can take her time to make her decisions.
Mary
Take the employer disability. It will most likely require her to apply for Social Security disability, and will end once she is approved for SSDI. SSDI has a program that will allow her a limited return to work. It’s called Ticket to Work.
I agree with the above poster who said she needs to focus on her health and staying as well as possible.
Anon
Slight dissent from what others have said. It stood out to me that she really likes her job and her coworkers, so I can understand why she would want to continue working. If work is an anchor for her, providing some reassuring consistency when the rest of her life is uncertain, I would not discount how valuable that is.
Cornellian
I fall in this camp as well. But I agree w the recommendation for a geriatric case manager.
Anonymous
Yeah, when a friend’s mom was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer, she kept working as long as she could. It kept her mind occupied. Someone in their 50s doesn’t want to sit around all day thinking about how sick they are.
anon
My dad really enjoyed and found meaning in his work and worked as much as he could until cancer made it impossible. I think it made terminal cancer less miserable to have something he enjoyed doing with his friends to the extent he was able. It’s uncommon to have a set up like my dad’s, but I’d encourage anyone with such an arrangement to hang on to it for as long as possible.
Anon
My dad worked part-time until a month before his death. He would have been so much more miserable without working. It gave him a chance to think about other things, be useful, and he was surrounded by people who loved him (I know that’s not true for everyone). It would have been different if he could have stopped working and spent his time traveling. His treatment schedule didn’t allow for that though.
Walnut
I used work to distract myself from my stage three colon cancer. Cancer is so all consuming that being able to mentally switch into work mode was HUGE for me.
I don’t have any advice for this type of scenario building, but I 100% support the value of thinking through all options available. If you find a professional well versed in this, please come back and let us know.
Anon
I had a friend in a similar situation who came back between initial treatment and relapse. She was at work for about 9 months before the cancer came back. If your friend gets to the point of no active cancer then I think she may appreciate having her job to go back to, her work social network etc. I know my late friend did, plus she was able to maintain her insurance and not have to change doctors, which would have been awful.
Anon
Some random points:
If she qualifies for Social Security disability, it comes with Medicare, so the employer’s health coverage would be less of a factor at that point. SS disability has a long elimination period, but if her diagnosis is on “the list,” which is what the doctor probably referred to, approval will be pretty quick, and it will generally be retroactive to the day of her diagnosis.
Her employer’s LTD plan likely requires that she apply for SS disability, and they will help her do it. The SS benefit will probably offset her insurance benefit, but the insurer will pay the excess until her insured benefits expire.
LTD benefits probably end at 65 even though her full SS retirement age is later (67, I think), but confirm with the carrier.
The LTD carrier can actually be pretty helpful at walking her through the options for working on a reduced schedule or intermittently. There usually is not a penalty for trying to work and then finding you can’t.
I hope her LTD premium was paid with after-tax dollars or that she was taxed on the amount of the Er paid premium, as that will make her benefit tax-free.
I worked closely with a woman in her early 60s who also had a qualifying diagnosis, and she also wished there were someone like the person you are looking for. She never found one, but there is clearly a need.
Coach Laura
I may be incorrect, but Medicaid – even with early approval from Stage 5 Kidney failure ESRD – has some type of waiting period. I think it’s two years. She should double check this Medicaid info before relying upon it.
Anon
Medicaid is not the same as Medicare, but the elimination period for Medicare is 24 months that would run concurrently with the 30 months for which she can get COBRA.
Coach Laura
Yes I understand t that. I just wanted to make sure she checks with kefir sources and does t assume.
Anon
I work in HR and leave of absence falls under my responsibilities, so I deal with this a lot. First, she should definitely apply for the company paid disability and take the time off now to see how she feels after treatments and focus all her energy on this. Company short term disability plans usually cover the first 6 months of disability leave, and then long term disability would take over (if she has LTD from her employer).
She would not need to apply for Social Security disability (SSDI) until a later time, like if she does not have any company paid disability any longer, for example if she does not have LTD from her employer. Company paid disability is more than likely more than she would get from SSDI anyway. If she does have LTD from her company, the LTD would be offset by any amount she gets from SSDI.
As far as working now, if she feels up to it, I see many people try to work during their treatments. It is a good distraction and I think very good for them mentally. If she does want to work that paid time can be coordinated with her short term disability from her company plan. We have some employees who work a part time schedule to accommodate their treatment schedule.
My staff counsels employees on these type of leave situations all the time as part of their jobs, so if she has a good HR department that is where I would start.
Coach Laura
I have experience with this as my husband had multiple myeloma diagnosed in 2022 and died on New Years. But he was basically terminal from the beginning and couldn’t have worked. By contrast, Tom Brokaw is much older -80?- and had stage 4 Multiple myeloma and is still alive over 12 years later, traveling and enjoying life. So it varies. She may want to work and be able to – I hope she is and I hope she gets a long-term remission.
Multiple myeloma is one of the cancers that gets automatic approval of SSD but many people still are denied the first time. The Facebook groups are good referral sources and many commenters said that you should enlist a qualified SSD attorney, especially if denied. If you use an attorney on appeal, there was about a 100% success rate. I can’t remember the name of the top firm that everyone raved about, but asking the question on a FB group for the disease should get the answer.
Also SSA dot gov has a list “Top 300 paid firms” that has name and location of the firms that do the most – maybe that’s not the best definition of a good firm but it is something. These attorneys should be able to answer questions about going on and off SSD. The HR Anon in the comment above has good advice if there is an HR department.
I’m almost 100% certain that not taking it right away doesn’t reduce her claim on SSD. Many people do it right away, some years later.
If she or you want to talk and if I can help in any way, email me Laura at careerevolutioncoach dot com.
Anonymous
So sorry for your loss.
Anon
No matter what her longevity is at this point, she needs to get her documents in order. A very dear friend of mine recently died from a Stage IV cancer (15 months from diagnosis to death), and she assured me that she had everything in order. Turns out she didn’t. It’s now a huge mess with a lawsuit.
Alana
https://www.ssa.gov/disability/professionals/bluebook/13.00-NeoplasticDiseases-Malignant-Adult.htm
She likely meets a listing, but the $ payouts are low.
anon
Not your original question, but for people who just received a stage 4 diagnosis, I recommend the book Radical Remission by Kelly Turner (and I think she has some more recent material, as well). (My dad was a miracle of the type she investigates).
Coach Laura
I just started reading this book today.
Clara
If you work remotely, how do you decide when you’re done for the day? Especially as a manager there are always possible tasks. But assuming there are no pressing deadlines, how do you decide when you’re done for the day? This is especially an issue because I start work at 7am to accommodate time zones, and I don’t want to work in 2 time zones! I’m thinking of having a personal rule that I stop working at 3 unless there’s something pressing. I do take a 30 min – 1 hr break and have been encouraged to do so by my boss.
Anon
I’m pretty strict about working my 8 hours (which is 9-5 for me) and being done unless something is actually urgent (and as a security analyst, sometimes things are legitimately urgent). I’m late 20s and certainly care about my job and my career and advancement (to a degree) but not as much as I care about having a personal life. I don’t ever want a job where I’m expected to work more than 8-9 hours a day and have made my choices accordingly; if I wa gunning for management or something I’d probably work more but that’s not a priority for me.
anono
I’m fully wfh. Have been for 7 years now. I try really hard to have a hard stop at 4 when my kid comes home from preschool. In practice, I definitely start slowing down and doing more home tasks (prepping dinner, folding laundry, etc) around 3.
I am fully online by 8:30 each morning and typically have lunch at my desk. I work out during lunch a couple times a week.
I manage 3 people on Central time and I’m on Eastern so I field messages until about 6 as needed, and they know if there’s an emergency I will log back on to support.
Anon
I’m similar, generally work 8:45-3:30 while my kids are in school. I often take a walk at lunch but I don’t do any home tasks during the work day, those are saved for the 3:30-5 window when the kids are home. I monitor email and could deal with anything urgent if needed, but that almost never happens. I log in after kid bedtime (~8:30 pm) to catch up on non-urgent email and make sure I’m squared away for the next day. This rarely takes more than 15 minutes.
anon
I’m on EST but work with people who are 2-3 hours behind me so sometimes I have meetings that go until 5 or 6. I usually wrap up by 6 at the latest and start making dinner.
Anon
I stop working when I’ve worked my 8 hours (unless there’s a one-off reason I need to work late). So yes, if you’re starting at 7 then stop at 3. I put my work phone away, turn off my computer, walk away.
Anon
I almost never work more than 8 hours, so yes if I started at 7 I would end by 3.
Cat
Same as when I was in the office? I’m done with my meetings and tasks for the day, organized for upcoming meetings etc, and if that’s before normal ‘quitting time’ for my team, then I get ahead on non-pressing items until that time.
Anon
I think remote work has changed this a bit though, because OP is starting early to accommodate people in other time zones. It’s not reasonable to expect her to work across two time zones and if she’s starting early to accommodate people east of her, she should be able to end work at the end of their workday, not her local team’s.
Cat
I mean that happened IRL offices pre-Covid too? And people generally understood you were working an unusual schedule and would knock off early. My advice stands, just replace ‘quitting time’ with ‘having worked an average day unless extenuating circumstances require.’
Anon
“ having worked an average day unless extenuating circumstances require.’This right here. I’ve always been WFH in a global company that is based in Europe (I’m in the Midwest) and if I’m up at 5 am or meeting at 9 pm for a meeting with colleagues or clients in APAC, I quit after 8 hours unless something else is going on. Since I get up early anyway, my “normal” day is 7 am until 3-4 pm because it makes dealing with Europe easier. And because of travel to conferences that sometimes goes over weekends, I flex my time quite a bit. This is expected in my company.
Anonymous
My director works 7-3pm. I work closer to 9:30-5:30. If it’s within the reasonable work day (like 7-7) we will have our phones on but not checking email. We know to text if urgent and the person will call when they can. There’s a trust relationship that texts are for truly urgent things.
Anon
I work on the West Coast for mostly East Coast clients. I quit at 4 every single day and can count on one hand the number of times I have worked later. I have never had a problem stopping for the day and I never work on vacation either. Just got promoted.
Anonymous
I also work across 2 time zones. It works best for me to start early, have a break to pick up kids, then pick back up later, with the goal of ending “on time.” Of course I take phone calls during dinner occasionally or finish stuff after kids go to bed if there’s a deadline. Basically I work 8-4 and my team knows I’m available during that time for meetings and after 7PM my time to finish up. I also work far fewer hours than I did in my 20s. I have been lucky enough to find a job that actually values my family time and I’ve learned how to use focused chunks of time instead of half paying attention to my work, half goofing off for 10 hours.
Anon
I am fully WFH and stop at 9 hrs with rare exception. 9 hrs bc we are on a 9/80 schedule. My personal working hours are 7 am to 4 pm. I can slip my UK stuff in the morning before my fellow east coasters are up and running and still have afternoon time if I need to accommodate west coast (rare).
In-house counsel FWIW.
Anon
I also work a 9 hour day due to 9/80. I am on at 7:30 every morning and have a hard stop at 5, which sometimes gets extended to 5:30, but not often. My boss knows that if something urgent comes up, she can text my personal cell and I’ll get back on and we’ll deal with whatever’s going on, but that doesn’t happen very much (nor does weekend work, or working on my 9/80). About the only really urgent thing I ever deal with is a data call from upper leadership and I will respond to those whenever I have to, no matter what time it is or what day it is. The rest of the time I’m able to stick to my schedule.
I am a manager with a small remote team (3 people) and I don’t police my team’s working hours as long as they get their work done. I have one employee who prefers to work my same hours and another who prefers to work 9-6, and the third works a more variable schedule because of childcare issues. My main rule is: if I call during your stated working hours, I expect you to return the call within the hour unless you’ve told me you’re out for a doctor’s appointment, or whatever. I expect responsiveness during working hours because we are WORK from home, not “live your life at home and do work occasionally, when you can squeeze it in.”
I do think part of being successful working from home is having a routine and a schedule. I log on at 7:30, go through the late night/early morning emails, then go get dressed and ready for the day (takes me less than 10 minutes). Sometimes I have wall-to-wall meetings and other times my days are less structured, but I treat WFH the same way I treated my in-office job: I work during the day; I don’t spend the majority of my days doing house tasks or going grocery shopping, or whatever. I do take an “outside time” break during lunch, or barring that, in the midafternoon, and go outside with my dogs or take a quick walk around the block. Then I go back to work, and at the end of my workday, I shut off my computer and leave my work cell in my home office, and I’m done for the day. The unhappiest WFH people I know are the ones who don’t have a routine and don’t enforce boundaries around their time.
Anon88
I have been WFH since 2016, on the east coast, working with lots of west coasters and a fair amount of meetings (I have 5 today, for instance). I also have one of those jobs where the work is never “done.”
I’ve always set really firm boundaries around my work, since it’s so easy to get sucked into working all the time when you work from home. I work 8-5 with an hour lunch, unless there are extenuating circumstances. I don’t have email notifications on my phone, but I do have IM alerts on, so if something is urgent I’ll get it off-hours. I also only work from my home office– I don’t work from bed or the couch or anywhere else. If things don’t get done in the workday, they go on the to-do list for the following day.
Lots of my coworkers work all-hours, but we truly don’t need to in my industry. I’ve actually moved up the ladder more quickly than my peers, so having these boundaries is not hurting me. It’s what I have to do to stay sane.
Anon
I work remotely and have a hard stop after I’ve worked 8 hours, which is 5:30 PM for me. It helps to have personal things you need to get to — I’m usually heading to a yoga class or starting dinner, so I’m not going to stay online.
Anonymous
I decide by the clock.
Anon
Some days I work 2 hours and some days I work 16+. I know I was at my computer starting at 8 am yesterday, did some non work stuff in the middle of the day (please pray for my dog, it’s not looking good) and then went back to work and came upstairs after 11pm.
Coach Laura
Prayers and good thoughts for the pup.
Anonymous
This is one place where having billable hours is actually nice. I have a daily goal, a weekly target, and a monthly requirement, and I work whatever hours each day I want/need to hit that.
Some days I start at 6am and barely take a break, so I’m done by 2pm. Other days I break to have breakfast with my daughter, run an errand, or just because I want a break. I dont work between 5pm and 8pm, because thats when we do family dinner and put the baby to bed. Some nights I work in the evening, some nights I take for myself.
Anonymous
I work remotely and no way in heck would a 7-3 schedule fly. Our organization’s official business hours are 8-5 and I try really hard to limit to that, with occasional availability outside those hours as needed. I’m more likely to get scheduled into a call 7:30-8 than I am 5-5:30, but both sometimes happen. If I’m in the middle of something that I need to wrap up I will sometimes keep working till 5:30 but I do sign off for the evening and am very good about that boundary if there’s no emergency. Non managers who are hourly sometimes work a 7-4 schedule but … 3 pm is the middle of the work day.
Anonymous
My official work hours at 9-5 with lunch from 12-12:30pm (so this is when people can schedule meetings with me) but I also flex individual work time (e.g. I go to a long lunch and do a work out from 12-1:30pm so then I make it up by working til 6)
Anonymous
This is a conversation you need to have with your manager. At my last job, where nearly everyone was fully remote, we were expected to be on the computer and responsive to messages during regular business hours. You couldn’t just knock off at 4:00 p.m. if you felt like it. We were overloaded so it’s not as if we ever ran out of work; there was always something else you could do until 5:00. At my husband’s company, which has unlimited PTO and a very lax culture, people log out whenever they want to.
eh230
I am remote and an in-house lawyer. It appears that I am overworked compared to the other commenters. My entire company is remote, but there is a large contingent of West Coast employees, and I am on East Coast time. We have core meeting hours 12-5 eastern time, and those hours are always consumed by meetings. I routinely work at least 9 hour days and often longer. The work is never done, and we are staffed leanly. I am definitely jealous of the rest of you!
Josie P
2 haircare ISOs:
– curl cream for fine/thin hair; and
– hair powder that will wash out easily – I need to cover my highlights/balayage with brown for my Halloween costume (my roots are brown) but I want it to wash out easily and not ‘stain’ the highlights.’
TIA!
Anon
I have curly fine, thin hair and my favorites are Ouidad Vitalcurl Styling Gel-Cream and Garnier Curl Sculpt (which is a drugstore brand and quite inexpensive).
Greensleeves
I have just started using Curlsmith Shine Cream and Shine Jelly and I am really liking them for my thin, fine hair. The Shine Jelly is a relatively light hold, but I think there was another option with more hold too. As a bonus, they are fragrance free, which was important to me but may not be to you. I was able to buy a small size of each to try them out and I will be ordering the full size soon!
anon a mouse
Another Curlsmith fan here, though my ride-or-die is the Weightless Air Dry cream. Despite the name, it works well with a hairdryer too – though it’s really great in the summer for air drying.
go for it
agreed!
January
If you have a good relationship with your colorist, I’d ask their advice about the hair powder. They’ll either know what you can use or tell you not to do it.
Ll
My hairdresser recommended Pattern curl gel recently and I have been pleased with it. For the coloring, L’Oréal Magic Root Cover up spray has always washed out completely for me.
Anonymous
Joathan Van Ness’ Air dry cream at Sephora works well for fine hair 2A/B.
Pompom
I love Kevin Murphy Ki||er Curls Cream.
Anonymous
Thrive mascara- I’m getting all kinds of ads for it. Has anyone tried it in the wild? Is this a tiktok fad or a decent product?
Anon
I asked about this a couple months ago after also seeing a lot of ads for it and the consensus was that it’s crappy.
Lydia
I use it and really like it — I strongly prefer a tubing mascara for the east of removing it. It’s annoyingly expensive but I keep rebuying it, fwiw.
Anon
I bought it on rec’s here and I did not like it.
I went back to my cheap drugstore mascara.
Anonymous
If you like tubing mascara then I’ve heard a lot of people who adored this one. I’m not a fan of tubing mascara though so I didn’t like mine… I need fuller lashes and tubing mascara won’t do that for me.
Anon
I commented before to save your money. Worst mascara I’ve been conned into buying.
Anon
I love tubing mascara since I have sensitive eyes, but I haven’t been convinced yet to try this one as opposed to others.
Anon
Tower 28 is a good tubing mascara for $20.
Anon
Late to this thread, but I just bought this on recs from this s*ite and a friend and I like it. I have odd allergies apparently and rub my eyes a lot, so other mascara always just smudges. This stays on nicely (unless the allergies are making my eyes water a lot, particularly right after I put it on). I have reasonably thick lashes and anything more than a light coat is too much for me for daytime/office wear. Note that I haven’t used other tubing mascaras so I can’t say if this one is significantly bette.
NaoNao
I just got it with a coupon and so far it’s solid/decent. It doesn’t make lashes thicker, so if you have sparse lashes it won’t give you the same look as in the ads. But it will coat every single lash you have and it won’t be clumpy or smudgy which is nice. I think it works best for people who want defined lashes or have light-colored lashes, rather than people who want to “build” a fluffy, full set. I like how light it feels and how natural it looks, and I haven’t had issues so far.
Anonymous
I think you either love it or you hate it, apparently. I love it and have repurchased several times. It is so quick and easy to remove but it doesn’t come off in the rain. The formula is slightly thicker than say, Merit’s formula (which looks nice but is much harder to remove), and I really need to curl my eyelashes first to get the proper application. If I don’t curl my eyelashes it doesn’t quite come on right.
Sunscreens
Does anyone have a favourite sunscreen for daily wear? Either as a stand-alone or in a tinted moisturizer? I’ve been using a La Roche Posey one but saw people comment yesterday about Korean and European ones being great.
Anon
I’ve been really liking Bliss’s Block Star sunscreen. It is tinted. But gives me a nice matte finish with no over white cast. On low key days, I wear it stand-alone with no foundation to just help even out my complexion.
Anon88
I use “Biore Japan – Nibeasan Protect Water Gel SPF50 PA +++” ordered on Ama zon and love it. It’s a “gel” sunscreen and it feels really light on the skin, is completely clear, and layers well under my foundation. I really do prefer the Asian sunscreens, the only issue is that it’s sometimes a pain to get your hands on them. For a while I was using the SuperGoop clear one, but don’t like how the silicone feels on my face.
Anonymous
Missha sun milk is my favorite when I want a matte look
I don’t like the yellow Goop one or I have one that’s City Screen that might be Goop also – they feel sticky
eltaMD is my friend’s favorite
Anon
I commented that I use the Rohto Aqua UV sunscreen – either the white bottle or the gold. I also like Country & Stream Honey UV for a little more moisturizing power. I order the latter from yes style.
But really I order whatever fiddysnails recommends on IG, and she’s currently recommending a Biore SPF as well. I ordered it but I’m still using the rest of what I already had.
Anonymous
yes! I use the gold Rohto Aqua but couldn’t remember the name of it. I like the formulation but sometimes feel like it leaves my skin a bit shiny, which I know is the trend these days, but still… I tend to use it when I need a bit more moisturizing.
Yes to Fiddy!!
Anonymous
La Roche Posay IS European, it’s a French brand. The Anthelios SPF 30 is my favorite of theirs. Avene sensitive is also great.
I like the Japanese and Korean ones, both Biore and Japanese Nivea are favourites. I can no longer use Missha, but liked previous versions.
Anon
The US versions of LRP are not the same as the European versions. We have really outdated “approved” filters in the US.
Anon
Yes, this is one of those things where you have to order the version sold in France if you want the good one. Like UK Sensodyne.
Anonymous
Any suggestions on where to order from to get the French version?
Anonymous
Oh, I’m sorry, didn’t know about that!
Anon
This, I only buy the Euro LRP. It’s become increasingly hard to find online but care 2 beauty often has it in stock. In general I prefer the Euro formula to the Asian ones so I’ve stuck with it.
Digby
I recently started using Isntree hyaluronic acid sun cream SPF 50++++ and really like it – no fragrance or trailing scent at all, and it goes on easily with a non-shiny finish (but I wouldn’t call it matte). I got it from Stylevana, which seems pretty slow to ship – but that’s my only complaint.
AnoNL
Living in Europe, have super sensitive skin, especially to sun. I love the following and use one of them every day (even in winter) as my day cream: Benton Air Fit UV Defense SPF50 (my fav), Purito Centella Go-To Sunscreen SPF50 (I spent 2w in Mexico and came back white, so I know it works), Beauty of Joseon Rice + Probiotics SPF50. All offer great sun protection, have a texture that absorbs like a day cream, zero residue, zero tacky feeling, and they don’t sting in the eyes.
I find them highly superior to La Roche Posay/Vichy/Bioderma.
Seventh Sister
I like the plain old Cerave one if I know I’m not going to be outside a whole lot. If I think I’ll be outside a bit more, I’ll use that clear stick from Shiseido on my nose and cheeks. I liked Neutrogena Beach Defense (it does not smell like beach) as well but haven’t bought it lately.
Anonymous
For everyday, I like the Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen. If I am going to be spending my day outside, I like the Neutrogena Beach Defense (stick for my face, spray for my body).
Anonymous
Anyone have a tourmaline ring? I know it can scratch but I’m wondering just how careful I would need to be with it.
Panda Bear
I do! It’s not as delicate as opal or emerald, but I wouldn’t recommend wearing a ring with tourmalines daily, or wearing it for any manual tasks (gardening, cleaning, etc.) But that’s just good practice for most jewelry, really. I love the color variety you can get with tourmalines, so if you found one you love, go for it!
Nesprin
Tourmaline is softer than sapphire/diamond but pretty tough relative to aquamarine/emerald/opal but can crack with heat stress- if you’re going to be moving from cold to hot and back fast, take it off.
Anon
More on progressives’ support for Hamas:
https://news.bloomberglaw.com/business-and-practice/winston-scraps-nyu-law-students-job-offer-over-israel-email
Anon
Yeah you can totally lose your job for supporting terrorists. That’s why I didn’t get the reaction yesterday that the OP should just ignore her pro-Hamas colleague. People also lost jobs for being racist after George Floyd’s murder and for being pro-insurrection after January 6. Employers don’t want people with extremely repugnant views.
Anon
Could have been a public agency employer (first amendment).
Anon
Yes I get the government can’t fire people for abhorrent views (I work for a public university) but that wasn’t part of the discussion yesterday. People were just saying she should mind her own business.
Anon
Among my progressive friends, I’m seeing 95% support for the State of Israel, 5% support for a free Palestine/criticism of Zionist policy, and 0% support for Hamas and their tactics of violence and terror. I think it’s important to not confuse the last two.
Anon
The thing is that #1 and #2 aren’t mutually exclusive AT ALL. So if you’re *only* talking about support for Palestine with zero recognition that this was a brutal terrorist attack in which hundreds of innocent Israelis were slaughtered, as you suggest 5% of yore friends are, you’re condoning the attack, even if you don’t use those words.
Anonymous
Also, your progress of friends are probably not saying much at all about #2 because it seems to get you labeled as an antisemite, even when you are not.
Anon
If the shoe fits . . . I don’t think you actively have to hate Jews to be anti-Semitic.
Anon
I disagree that saying support for Palestinian people who are being used as pawns by Hamas and suffering from Israeli retaliation is supporting the terrorists manipulating them.
Anonymous
I took Anon 9:03 to say that the issue is if you are saying that but not acknowledging that there has also been significant suffering by Israeli citizens then that is what is problematic.
Anon
No one is saying you can’t support Palestinians, alongside support for Israel. But talking *only* about Palestinians in *this moment* is extremely inappropriate.
Can you even imagine after 9/11 making a statement saying you support Muslims and criticizing American foreign policy with no mention of the Americans murdered or support for Americans who watched their loved ones die on TV? It’s not that you can’t support Muslims/Palestinians and criticize American or Israeli foreign policy. There is plenty to criticize about both countries. But right after a terrorist attack to offer no support for the victims and victim-blame is horrifying. And it would have been unimaginable after 9/11.
Clara
I do have some friends who are only talking about supporting Palestine without recognizing that it was a terrorist attack. A lot of “if you are only concerned about certain violence then examine yourself”. So it seems like they are condoning the attack. And its followed by “if you have to ask about it then youre the problem” so no point in even talking about it.
Anon
“A lot of ‘if you are only concerned about certain violence then examine yourself’.”
How is this an untrue statement?
Entire families have been getting butchered in Central American and Southeast Asia by drug cartels for years. No worse than what just happened in Israel; only difference is the motivation for the violence (drugs and money vs. land and religion). I guess we’re only allowed to be traumatized by violence against other humans when those humans are Israeli?
Anon
Same. I’m seeing things like “don’t let the media manipulate you into supporting the oppressor” and “armed resistance is valid” and other inanities.
Anon
+1 and it’s so annoying that people here are like “no one is even saying that.” It is a large chunk of my social media feed! I am younger so I’m guessing my social group skews more “progressive” than a lot of people here
Anonymous
I feel like expressing pro-Palestinian views rn is like “not all men” during me too or blue lives matter after George Floyd et al. Of course not all men are r!pists. Of course it’s great to support the police. But when you’re expressing that support in response to criticism of a group for insulating and failing to prevent/correct problematic behavior like SA and murder, you’re no longer expressing support for the group at large you’re excusing the actions of the bad guys. I think a lot of people get lured into thinking, well what’s wrong with blue lives matter, do their lives not matter???, without considering the context of how these expressions of support arise.
Anon
This 1000%
Anon
This 1000%
Nudibranch
Exactly
Anonymous
Agree. Just talking about #2 is kind of an ‘all lives matter’ thing.
Anon
I know there’s been a ton of coverage of pro-Hamas demonstrations in NYC, but I live in NYC in a neighborhood with a large Palestinian population (and large Arab population generally), and we’ve had many free Palestine demonstrations and signage in the past, but this past weekend and so far this week it’s been quiet. I have not seen a single sign or any other indication of solidarity with Hamas.
I’m not on social media, so I have seen nothing pro-Hamas except in news coverage and here. Everyone I have spoken to IRL about it is horrified.
Anon
Students for Justice in Palestine, which has chapters at colleges across the US, has issued statements supporting Hamas:
In a statement published after the October 7 invasion, SJP described Hamas’ massacres of Israelis as “a historic win for Palestinian resistance,” and called for “Not just slogans and rallies, but armed confrontation with the oppressors.”
Anon
And just to make it clear, these are major universities. The statement from the chapter at my alma mater, UC Berkeley:
“Towfan Al-Aqsa [the name Hamas gave to its violent operation] now stands as a revolutionary moment in contemporary Palestinian resistance. We honor Palestinians who ‘are working on the ground on several axes of the so-called ‘Gaza envelope’ alongside our comrades in blood and arms, and what is coming is greater. Victory or martyrdom.’….Gaza is the cradle of our resistance and the lifeblood of our struggle.”
Anon
it’s disgusting. two things can be true – you can support the Palestinians without supporting Hamas’ massacre of Israelis. It’s a scary world we are in.
Anon
Are you seeing anybody fly the Israeli flag? Ukrainian flags were hung overnight all over my liberal area during the invasion. I have not seen a single Israeli flag (yet).
Anon
that’s because people are scared of making themselves a target….anti semitism at play.
Anonymous
It’s awful. I saw a report today that the number of antisemitic incidents in London has tripled since the Hamas attack.
Anon
It’s awful. I saw a report today that the number of antisemitic incidents in London has tripled since the Hamas attack.
Anon
+1 Hamas’s slaughter of civilians is horrific. The Israeli government’s slaughter of civilians is also horrific.
Anon
That wasn’t the standard used for Ukrainian flags. I doubt a single person who flew one could name a member of the cabinet besides Zelensky.
Anon
What does that mean, “the state of Israel as a state”? It’s one thing not to support the government, but are people here still questioning Israel’s right to exist?
Anecdata
Anon @11:08 –
Americans as a whole probably couldn’t name a non-PM member of /any/ country’s government
FWIW though, I think Ukraine pre-invasion was pretty much invisible in the US – most Americans didn’t have any opinion of its government. While a lot of Americans /do/ have a pre-existing government that the Israeli government treats Palestinian civilians poorly. To me, a closer situation is along the lines of: imagine a terrorist attack in Xinjiang China with high civilian casualties. The victims don’t in any way deserve it, the attack should absolutely be condemned, etc. But I wouldn’t fly a Chinese flag in support, because I have a bunch of pre existing reasons to oppose the state as a state (not as a people) and its overall actions. I think for a chunk of Americans, Israel feels more like that, than Ukraine, where “Putin invaded them” is about the only thing I know about the country
Anon
Oh no! People aren’t being performative in the way I want them to be! If you don’t change your FB profile, then you are an anti-Semite.
Anon
That is not what I’ve been seeing. I’m seeing people harshly criticize anyone who uses the word “terrorism” (as opposed to a celebrated “uprising”) and a lot of other things I’ve decided I’m not willing to repeat that violate Godwin’s law in the worst possible ways. It’s a lot of the same progressives who oppose Ukraine (WSWS types I guess).
Anonymous
Most of the progressives I know are either vocalizing the “both sides” perspective or staying silent.
It’s honestly scary that we’ve gotten to this point. I blame the “all feelings/points of view are valid” and “live your own truth”
movements that have been going around for the last couple of decades, people can’t see bad guys now because they have been told there is no such thing to the point that they believe that.
Anon
+1. People are so scared to be told they’re invalidating someone’s lived experience/truth/positionality.
Anon
No, sorry.
Even Amnesty International refers to what Israel is doing to Palestinians as apartheid:
https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/campaigns/2022/02/israels-system-of-apartheid/
Here are some more articles I have read over the last few days to help me understand the breadth of the issue and why I am seeing so much virulently pro-Israel or pro-Hamas rhetoric online over the last few days:
https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/israel-palestinian-dispute-hinges-statehood-land-jerusalem-refugees-2023-10-10/
https://www.npr.org/2023/10/09/1204611968/how-were-hamas-militants-able-to-carry-out-an-unprecedented-attack-against-israe
https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/how-jews-can-support-palestinian-rights-condemn-antisemitism-ncna1268680
https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2018-11-20/ty-article/.premium/israeli-professors-warn-against-equating-anti-zionism-with-anti-semitism/0000017f-dc1e-d856-a37f-fdded13e0000
https://www.vox.com/world-politics/23910641/israel-hamas-war-gaza-palestine-explainer
I found this quote from the above article particularly illustrative:
“The United Nations describes the occupied territory as a ‘chronic humanitarian crisis.”This pressure being put on Palestinians — it just assumes that they’re insignificant and they will tolerate any degree of humiliation, and that’s just not true,’ Rashid Khalidi, the Columbia University historian, says.”
Also: these posts on this site may actually be part of a coordinated disinformation campaign: https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/misinformation/x-misinformation-israel-hamas-war-network-disinformation-rcna119696
The bottom line is many people condemn Hamas while also maintaining that Israel is doing indefensible things to Palestinians, and has been doing those things for a long time. The responses from some people here – that the Palestinians should just leave Gaza and go to Egypt – is ridiculous on its face. I am old enough that I participated in anti-apartheid protests when South Africa had an apartheid government. Israel has employed many of the same tactics against the Palestinians. That doesn’t justify the Hamas attacks. But Israel has created many of its own problems, here, and in addition, the new far-right government that has risen to power in Israel has exacerbated many of the existing issues in the country.
Despite the wailing and moaning and handwringing of the fanatically pro-Israel people posting here – some of whom I believe are not regular posters here, but part of the online propaganda campaigns referenced above – there is no path forward for believing that these terror attacks in Israel are the worst thing to ever happen in the history of human events, and that if everyone in the U.S. doesn’t rally to Israel’s defense online, it means we’re anti-Semites. Sorry, but Israel has done indefensible things to the Palestinians. Two wrongs never make a right. But I cannot in good conscience defend Israel or post pro-Israel messages on social media to appease hysterical “extremely online” people, who equate lack of social media posts with rampant anti-Semitism. This is a nuanced issue for most people who can think critically. If you can’t do that – then I’m sorry for you, but I’m not obligated to turn off my brain because that’s what makes you more comfortable.
Anon
I am a regular poster here, not sure how to prove that to you but have been for probably 7-8+ years? And what I am complaining about is not silence, it is vocal support for Palestine in the face of the single largest massacre of Jews since the Holocaust? I haven’t seen a single person refer to it as “the worst thing to ever happen in human history” – so maybe you should examine your own ability to understand nuance. I can not support Israel’s government, and think that Netanyahu is horribly corrupt, and that Israel has committed human rights abuses in Palestine AND still acknowledge and condemn the horrific terrorist attack that occurred this weekend. That doesn’t mean I’m defending Israel or “pro-Israel.” This comment is honestly comically lacking in self-awareness. Maybe look up the word “nuance” in the dictionary?
Anonymous
Are you asking or telling? So many ????s
Anonymous
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Indeed, two wrongs don’t make a right. I also refrain from posting on social media because these are complicated huge issues that should be treated with more respect.
I am religious, and I believe that today God is crying over the pain his children choose to inflict on each other.
Anonymous
This is a horrible post. There is NO indication that there in ‘Israeli disinformation’ here. Hamas is gleefully live streaming murder and torture – I don’t know why you think disinformation would be necessary, they are showing us who they are.
I am in a small city in Canada. I am not Jewish but I personally know people who have had friends and family killed or injured by Hamas in the last days. I’ve been posting here since before Kat was out as Kat if you don’t know what that means you clearly haven’t been here since 2006. I also have a graduate degree in international affairs (specifically in non-centralized governance models), I don’t think Israel is unproblematic but I do know that you have posted a LOT of garbage in the face of truly horrific personal violence against Jewish people because of the fact they are Jewish. I feel sorry for you that you do not appear to see Jewish people as human. I will be praying for you.
Anon
Thank you from a longtime (2008, I think) reader who is Jewish. I have been extremely critical of the Israeli government in the past (as are many, many American Jews) but this comment was horrible on so many levels and really hurt to read. Apparently I’m fanatically pro-Israel because I think people should be able to condemn Hamas beheading babies and live-streaming rape and murder.
I appreciate your support <3
Anonymous
I can think critically enough to recognize that yes, while Israel has without a doubt done a lot, that isn’t what we are talking about right now. Right now we are talking about Hamas and condemning what they did.
Imagine if people “but the US…” after 9/11.
Anon
As an American, I both said at the time and with the benefit of hindsight that we need to think carefully about how we respond to violence against us. Our response to those attacks was a complete and utter disaster that led to up to 4.5 million deaths and cost us over $8 trillion (https://watson.brown.edu/costsofwar/). It’s not the wrong time to think about it because now is when Israel and its allies, including the United States, are deciding how to respond and so far what I’ve heard is that they want to treat them like animals, which is isn’t exactly confidence inspiring.
Anon
Exactly. It doesn’t make you a pro-Israel fanatic to understand this.
Anon
But did you *only* say that? It’s one thing to express support for victims while also talking about how we needed to be measured in our response. What’s problematic is focusing on the response at the exclusion of support for victims, which no one in the mainstream did post-9/11.
Anonymous
You’re accusing people here who are pro Israel of being part of à disinformation conspiracy? Classic anti semitism
Anon
Right? When Hamas has literally livestreamed its own horrific violence, proudly and loudly.
Anon
OMG. Gotta love the posters who decide that people who say things they don’t like aren’t really part of Corporette. Same thing when people say “woman are women.” If you support JK, then you aren’t really a Corporette because we don’t like it.
Anon
I agree, that’s so obnoxious. If you comment here, you’re part of this community. Let’s not kid ourselves that this page is on the radar of the Russian disinformation campaigns.
Anon
There was a poster on the moms page a couple years ago who had a huge fit and accused people there of being Russian bots who were spreading misinformation (I think the issue was school openings and Covid, but I could be remembering wrong). I wonder if it’s the same person?! It just seems so weird to think that this place would be on the radar of Russian disinformation bots.
Anon
I’m one of the Jewish posters who has been active on the threads the last few days. I’ve been reading here since 2009 when I was in law school. Not sure how to prove that to you except to say that I remember Ellen and fleece tights and the intern with the Birkin and discussions about whether a hair tie in your wrist was unprofessional. Shoutout to the other OGs!
I’m not “pro-Israel” in the sense that I support the Israeli govt or Netanyahu, nor do most American Jews. Israel has done bad things, and I don’t think anyone here has disputed that. But now is not the time for a discussion of Israeli politics and the failure to understand that you can label Hamas as a terrorist group and condemn terrorism without letting Israel off the hook for their foreign policy is extremely problematic and I would say antisemitic.
The very fact that you’re calling us “fanatically pro-Israel” when I believe literally not one comment here has defended Israel’s government or treatment of Palestinians is exactly why people are frustrated and hurt. It’s not “fanatical” to think babies shouldn’t be beheaded in their cribs. “Fanatical support of Israel” would be the equivalent of what Hamas is trying to do – trying to wipe the other side off the map. No one here has even so much as hinted that would be ok.
As someone else said, it’s exactly like if people did nothing but criticize the US right after 9/11, which no one (except fringe groups associated with terrorists) did.
I also think many people lack a good grasp of the history. Many people don’t know that Israel pulled out of Gaza in 2005 and Hamas destroyed infrastructure so Palestinian civilians would suffer more. Hamas’s goal is not and never has been to help the Palestinian people. It’s to radicalize them so they can achieve their goal of eradicating Israel.
Anon
newsflash – it is ok to disagree with Israel. It is ok to not post ‘pro Israel’ messages. It is also ok to post pro-Palestinian messages. It is not ok to post anything related to israel/palestine without also acknowledging the terror perpetrated by Hamas. If I am wrong, please correct me, but as far as I know Israel has never broadcasted rapes/kidnapping of Palestinian people. you can be pro-palestine and anti-Hamas. the two are not mutually exclusive.
Anon
It has never passed the sniff test for me that “where are you from” is a horrific microaggression against people of color in the US, but that Hamas pledging to annihilate Jews is just rhetoric or part of the valid struggle. I have never understood progressives who have said things like that with a straight face.
Anon
It’s antisemitism. That’s the whole explanation.
anon.
100%. Always. The honest truth is I used to see some of these progressives as my allies. Now I know they’d cheer the beheading of my child as “justified”
Anon
I cannot believe you actually typed that with a straight face.
I think you need to get offline for awhile. You are starting to equate internet “news” with reality. Go talk to some actual human beings; it will do you a world of good.
Anon
Anon at 10:50, you are very much in the wrong and refusing to see what’s in front of your own eyes. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Anon
“Anon at 10:50, you are very much in the wrong and refusing to see what’s in front of your own eyes. When people show you who they are, believe them.”
No one in my life has demonstrated to me that they would “cheer the beheading of a child.” I am speaking to my lived experience and what I see in the world.
There is so much hysteria and absolutely over-the-top paranoia that has invaded these comments today, it’s beyond belief. I do not believe for a second that most of the people posting in this discussion are regular readers/commenters. We have some odd ducks here, for sure, but this is beyond anything I have ever seen.
Anon
OK, then a serious question for you: what do you call it when people you know say “glory to Hamas” when posting a video of an Israeli family being slaughtered? You say that’s not cheering the beheading of a child. What’s your word for it? I’m very curious to know.
Anon
100%
anon
There’s also the recent Harvard student organization statement.
Honestly, do the Ryna Workmans and the campus radicals of the world believe that Hamas would spare them? Because they wouldn’t. In fact, because several of the attacks were on kibbutzes, a large number of victims were left-leaning Israelis who likely supported efforts toward freedom for Palestinians, and at least one prominent peace activist is among the hostages. I remember having these arguments with others in the antiwar movement in the post-9/11 era, when I was still a student (and was super involved in lefty politics): Al-Qaeda and the Islamic State and their ilk are not supportive of your goals. The progressive society you want is not one that they support, and you wouldn’t want to live in a Hamas-governed or Al Qaeda-governed or ISIL-governed state.
Anon
Almost all antiwar activists are also anti-terrorist. They just believe that war makes terrorism more likely, not less.
Anon
My friend’s son, a peace activist, was among those killed. Overwhelmingly difficult news.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/10/world/middleeast/peace-activists-killed-israel.html
Anon
i am so sorry for your loss. may his memory be a blessing
Anonymous
Most progressive elected officials have condemned both what happened and the rally in Times Square over the weekend. AOC included, and every other democratic elected official of every stripe in NY. Jamal Bowen has said that he has dropped his membership in the DSA and even the DSA has tried to distance itself from the rally by saying they prompted it but didn’t actually know much about the organizers. It was abhorrent to be sure. These statements from college groups are abhorrent too. There is plenty of both ignorance and actual anti semitism. But I do not understand this need to act like everyone is just chanting in favor of the terror everywhere. It is a loud minority and it is being routinely condemned. The example used – that student lost their job offer. lots of employers have said they wouldn’t hire anyone who signed the Harvard statements. I get the need to call this out but this is happening. Why do we need to exaggerate the level of support?
Anon
I don’t think anyone is exaggerating the level of support. Many of us have been concerned about this for years and it’s only this most recent event where there has been a tiny bit more silence than usual from the antisemitic progressives. To me, it feels like they are laying low out of self-preservation and not because they actually think it’s wrong.
Anon
This.
Anon
100% agree
anon.
I agree. I am Jewish and I think I’ve been ignorant and brushing off of this issue for a long time. This week is an eye opener. It’s scary.
Anon
yes those with the Palestinian flags and LGBTQ flags flying outside of their offices in Washington confound me – they do realize that LGBTQ is illegal in most of the middle east
Anon
I know! And not just illegal in some vague civil violation sense – corrective rape is tolerated or condoned, stoning to death still occurs, prison is a certainty. Homosexuality is absolutely unacceptable in much of the Middle East (in Iran, the state will pay for a sex change operation but homosexuality is criminalized). It’s absolutely wild to me that progressives ignore that cognitive dissonance so thoroughly.
Anon
It’s like the person from yesterday whose child doesn’t support Israel because they don’t allow gay marriage. As if Islamic fundamentalists are nicer to LGBT people!
Anonymous
“Why do we need to exaggerate the level of support?“
Because people need a permission structure to back right wing politicians. The dudes with tiki torches will not spare you either.
Anon
Huh? This has nothing to do with right wing politicians. I’m horrified by the antisemitism among progressives, but I’ll never vote for a Republican.
anon
Um wut. I am amazed that people are still blaming Rs. Lol.
Anon
I’m a hardcore Democrat and I rolled my eyes at that statement from Anonymous at 10:10. Some people have lost all sense of reasonableness and perspective, it seems.
Anon
Omg. Stop. It is not being exaggerated just because you’re not seeing it in *your* circles. FYI, this was the statement put out by progressives in my state: https://twincitiesdsa.org/2023/10/twin-cities-dsa-statement-of-solidarity-with-palestine/
Absolutely zero mention of the atrocities that were committed. I am a liberal through and through, but the progressive wing is wack. It’s not just the right that needs to contend with crazies within their party.
Anon
I think your last sentence is key – Democrats/liberals have not yet contended with or attempted to rein in the crazies in the party.
Anon
Yes I heartily agree with your last sentence. I’m a Dem who will never vote anything but Dem in state and national elections, but that doesn’t mean the party is immune from criticism.
Anon
“But I do not understand this need to act like everyone is just chanting in favor of the terror everywhere. It is a loud minority and it is being routinely condemned.”
I think there are a number of people here who are “extremely online” – despite claiming to have jobs, families, etc. they are mostly single women/people who spend the vast majority of their lives in their homes, online, not interacting with people IRL. And they latch on to any crisis/drama du jour and amplify it beyond what is reasonable, because they lack the context of “living in the real world” to counter the online narratives they immerse themselves in every day. Because, as you state, other than a few limited circumstances/incidents, the attacks in Israel have been roundly criticized by just about everyone and I have not seen anyone in my online circle or on Instagram, where I follow a bunch of celebrities/public figures, celebrating the attacks or praising Hamas. The opposite is true – I have seen a lot of messages about how “heartbreaking” the attacks are. I have not seen any pro-Hamas messages, whatsoever. But when you live a small, limited life, where your informational input is primarily what you see online, messages stoking fear of the “other” get amplified far beyond the reality of the situation. I think we have people here who are fundamentally scared of the world and will latch on to whatever bit of information justifies their fear of living a life outside their house. It’s an odd bunch of folks, here, and we have some who use this platform as a vehicle for either venting or feeding their fears.
Anon
How many more quotes and pieces of evidence do other posters need to provide to you for you to acknowledge that there ARE many progressives making heinous statements in support of Hamas? Seriously, there are a bunch on this thread, there were a bunch yesterday, and even the most rudimentary Google search would find more. Your own ignorance isn’t proof that these statements are a myth.
This obsession with people who “live online” also isn’t the epic own you seem to think it is. Online platforms are a mode for disseminating real information. Without the Internet, the world would not be able to see the murder videos Hamas so gleefully posted or the rape victims left for dead in the streets. Those are real people. This is real life. Being too cool or cynical to care is a sign you’ve given up on what makes us human.
Anon
I think you’re really making a leap here. I’m married, with kids, friends, hobbies and a fulltime job and I don’t spend that much time online (mostly here and browsing pop culture subs on r*ddit) and I heard about the pro-Hamas rally that involved members of the DSA. It was in the national news and you hardly have to be “extremely online” to know about it…
Also agree with above that even if it is happening mostly online that’s not a reason to ignore it. Misinformation is disseminated online that very much affects our real, offline lives (2016 election, anyone?)
Anon
+1, I am married and have a fulfilling social life. I have a daily “app limit” of 30 minutes on Instagram+Tiktok combined. Why is it so hard for people to acknowledge that we might run in different circles and therefore see different viewpoints on our social feeds???
Anon
It kind of sounds like your life is small and limited? Maybe it’s well curated (I’m definitely rethinking some of the people in my life right now). As for online, I think it is a bit strange to elevate the views of celebrities and public figures as somehow representative of public discourse!
Anonymous
This whole discussion is why people and organizations should never, ever make public statements on a topic that is not directly related to their work. I am an expert in a politicized field. I post on LinkedIn, make presentations, write articles, etc. about the results of my empirical work in this field, and some people might consider that political even though it really isn’t. That’s fine because I am literally doing my job. I am not, however, going to make any public statement about the current conflict because it is not my job. To anyone who asks why I do not make a statement, I can reply “it is my policy not to make statements on topics outside of my professional expertise.” Because I am consistent about this policy, no one is justified in interpreting my silence on a topic as a statement either way.
Colleges, etc. have painted themselves into a corner by caving to student pressure to make statements on previous issues, so now they have to weigh in on this one because when you speak on some issues silence is itself a statement. And there is virtually nothing anyone can say about the current situation that won’t be twisted by one side or the other into support for terror.
Anon
I get what you’re saying, but I disagree that it’s impossible to issue a good statement that won’t get widely criticized. The joint Biden-EU statement is a great example.
Anon
agree. i was quite impressed with their statement.
Anonymous
this! Even Gigi Hadid can figure out to say “I have deep empathy for the Palestinian struggle and life under occupation, it’s a responsibility I hold daily. I also feel a responsibility to my Jewish friends to make it clear, as I have before: While I have hopes and dreams for Palestinians, none of them include the harm of a Jewish person.”
A statement is only hard if you think what Hamas did is okay.
Anon
“ A statement is only hard if you think what Hamas did is okay.”
Exactly this. And for those who don’t know, Gigi is Palestinian and has been outspoken against Israel’s foreign policy. It’s possible to want a free Palestine and condemn terrorists. What’s not ok is talking about only the former with no acknowledgment of the latter.
Anonymous
Writing a good statement is not hard. The issue is that no matter what you say it will be twisted and criticized. I am sure that within 24 hours Gigi Hadid will be pilloried by some people for not taking one side or the other, even though I think her statement is excellently phrased.
Anon
I said the same thing yesterday. I get that it’s a little more complicated for universities, who have students and faculty from the countries where events occur and might have people currently traveling there, so they have some need to issue a statement, but I do think everyone would be better off if they avoided taking stances on things. I’ve never felt any better when I’ve gotten one of these stupid emails from any of the universities where I’ve worked or attended (I receive them from my undergraduate alma mater and current employer and have worked at several universities over my career).
Anon
i also get what you are saying, but as a jewish person whose grandparents survived concentration camps, people staying silent is what led to the slaughter of 6 million jews. i am NOT saying you have to agree with Israel, but this is kind of why it hurts when people stay silent.
Anon
Exactly.
Anon
Equating not posting something on Instagram about this current situation with “staying silent about anti-Semitism and then we’ll have another Holocaust” is a real reach. If you honestly believe that social media = real life? You need to get offline for awhile.
Anon
It’s not some amorphous “social media.” These are people we know posting things that are horrific. It’s not different from those people saying the same things to me face-to-face (except that social media has a better reach). We’re allowed to care that our friends and colleagues profess to be progressive and anti-oppression for every other people and country besides Israel.
Anon
of course i don’t believe that social media = real life, but do you know how many people these days get their “news” from social media rather than real news outlets? or how much influence social media has on politics, elections, etc.? fine, if you dont want to post something on social media yourself, then you can respond to other posters or show up in real life for a vigil or protest or donate money or do something to not just stay silent as there are people around the world chanting “kill the jews”
Anonymous
Social media is real life for later Millennials and Gen Z. It’s how we communicate with friends. It’s like saying someone writing a letter to the editor section of a newspaper in the 1960s isn’t ‘real life’.
And the unmitigated gall to tell the grandchild of concentration camp survivors that she is overreacting? Wow.
As the wife of someone who grandparents were on the other side of the Holocaust and did basically nothing, saying something matters. It matters. And it haunts and your children if you do nothing and say nothing. Because when your children ask you what you did, and you say nothing, they spend their lives carrying the burden of trying to do anything to atone. It didn’t start with building concentration camps. It started with people saying nothing and doing nothing because they were not personally affected.
Anonymous
Universities’ and businesses’ staying silent was not the problem. It was governments’ failure to act that was the problem. I agree that at some point universities and businesses need to refuse to engage with bad actors–e.g., refusing to purchase items made with forced labor or to use data obtained through questionable means–but that’s different from issuing an immediate statement in response to every event that happens in the world.
Anon
I’m glad Lawrence Summers (former president of Harvard) spoke up about the Harvard admin’s silence on the attacks and tacit acceptance of the horrific views expressed by campus groups (including the Amnesty International chapter) when Harvard has previously spoken up and/or flown flags for Ukraine, George Floyd, and other events. Clearly the university was never in a neutral/no-statement mode until it involved Israel and Jews.
Anon
Amnesty International is deeply anti-Semitic. That was true when I was in college 20+ years ago. But I agree with what you’re saying.
Anon
It sounds like this isn’t most people here, but the article from the Atlantic today summarizing the genocidal and truly unhinged ideology in the Hamas charter might be useful for anyone in your lives who believes Hamas is a legitimate organization:
https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2023/10/hamas-covenant-israel-attack-war-genocide/675602/
Turtlemania
This blows my mind. Imagine being so ‘progressive’ that you rush to put blame on Israel for the Hamas attacks but you are planning at the same time to work in BigLaw?
Anon
Yeah, I found that kind of ironic too.
Postpartum style help?
I’m 16 months PP with twins and I’m really struggling to figure out my style and how to dress my new body. Pre-pregnancy I had a solidly tailored wardrobe and POV (a lot of The Fold, Boss, and similar), and now I’m just…lost. I don’t even know where to start or what would look good on me. I’m willing to pay $$$ for a solid capsule wardrobe. I’ve never been a big fan of MMLF. Do I go to Bloomingdale’s/Saks and work with an in house stylist?
Anonymous
how is your new body different?
i felt like my whole understanding (in general) of who i was as a person changed after having kids – it’s like a postpartum identity crisis. very common; i think i read somehwere it takes 2-3 years before you figure out who you are again.
if you can fit into your old stuff i’d just try to fake it til you figure out what else you want. if you can’t fit into it, or don’t want to wear it (too constricting, don’t want heels, don’t want to tuck, whatever) then go from there.
Postpartum style help?
I didn’t know about the 2-3 years thing, that’s interesting! I’m definitely wider in the middle, along with the dreaded pooch. My other measurements are similar to what they were pre-pregnancy. I can “fit” into a lot of my old clothes in that they zip, but I don’t feel they fit my new shape well and make me uncomfortable and more self conscious about the changes. I think I just have to try on a bunch of stuff (stretchy dresses and blazers as suggested below) and see what comfortably fits for now.
Anon
What would you consider your new body shape to be? What kind of clothing are you looking for? After kids, I had a wider middle. I felt like this is where mall brands shined for me – many of those brands are cut wide in the torso. They fit me weirdly pre-kids, but postpartum I had the right shape.
Anon
I vote for a trip to Bloomingdale’s and trying on *everything.*
Anonymous
If you like dresses, I would go with stretchy dresses and structured jackets in your current size. The stretch will accommodate further changes while the jacket makes you feel like yourself.
anon
It’s not just you. Post pandemic work clothes are just a mess right now, regardless of your thoughts on your body. Like, no I do not need a suit with joggers as the pants. Given the brands you mentioned and assumptions about price point, you’ll probably have good luck at a Veronica Beard store (get ready to size up for anything other than blazers …) for some novelty pieces that make you happy.
NYC
Also PP with thicker middle despite being same weight as before 2 pregnancies.
+1 for VB for blazers and pants. Their blazers give me such a nice shape – worth the cost. Also had good luck with The Fold dress pants that have an elastic waist band in the back. Come in both Ponte and Wool. I miss Rebecca Tylor workwear – they had an edited line that was so good (pants ran larger in the waist than other brands). You can still find some items second hand.
Mrs Luke Danes
If you want some structure around this, I have been following @fashionfix on Instagram and purchasing their products to help me figure this out. Is it the cutting edge of fashion? No, and arguably not close. Is it a place to start when you feel like nothing about your wardrobe is working for you? Yes.
Anonymous
I think a *good* department store stylist could be a big help here. Sometimes I need a nudge to try things that I think will look bad or blah but end up looking great and stylists can be great with that. Also, they will generally pull full looks for you and chat about styling (so no orphan items). The trick is to find a good stylist and communicate clearly with her/him about what you’re looking for and your budget. A pinterest board with images of woman who you think look sharp can be great about communicating what is appealing to you. Would you be willing to share your general location? Someone here may have a recommendation. If in Chicago area I strongly recommend Ruth at Oak Brook Nordstrom.
Anon
I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has posted statements condemning the terrorism Hamas committed. Maybe it doesn’t seem important to discuss this on a fashion blog, but it is to me – I think every time educated women denounce heinous acts publicly, they make it so others who blindly parrot revolutionary rhetoric will think twice before spreading those views. I know far too many people who are not true believers in the Hamas cause, such as it is, but they seem to get swept up in the thought that they are fighting a noble battle for justice. It seems a casual slide into antisemitism from there and I’m glad for any action to arrest it since many progressives turn a blind eye to hate when it involves Jews. I think it is very good for those people to see that educated women do not agree with them (peer pressure is powerful). If you have the chance to write to your school boards and universities and places of employment that have issued statements about other terrorist attacks in the past but are silent now, I encourage you to do so.
anon.
Agreed. The American progressive view of this conflict is often incredibly ahistoric and myopically viewed through an American lens (any discussion of Israel as “racist” is legitimately comical as Israelis are perhaps over 50% what people in the U.S. call “people of color” including my Tunisian Israeli relatives). One of the hardest parts of this entire sick week is watching our allies of decades justify slaughter of innocents. To disagree with Israeli settlements is literally not something you need to bring up in a discussion of Hamas slaughter.
Anon
People often use the word “racist” when bigoted or prejudiced would be more appropriate. That said, lots of POC are absolutely racist against American blacks.
Anon
yes, thank you! i am Jewish and this morning I had coffee with my co class mom for my daughters kindergarten class who is not. she knows i am jewish. she mentioned she is in a ‘jewish’ book club, (which apparently meant that her other non jewish friend had her kid at a jewish preschool and invited her into this book club with mostly jewish women) and she said absolutely nothing to me about what is going on. i almost wanted to say after she told me about this book club, like ‘yea it’s a little hard being jewish right now’ but i didn’t. it is literally the first thing i think about when i wake up in the morning and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep. my husband goes to music festivals (around the U.S.) all the time (I despise them) and it just hits close to home
Anonymous
I’m sorry you’re feeling disappointed in someone you consider a friend or at least friendly. I think it’s a bit like when someone returns to work after the death of a close family member. People don’t know what to say. Should I say something supportive? Will it upset them because they’re hearing the same hollow-feeling words over and over and they just want to not think about it? Is it more respectful to treat them the same as I always do?
Anon
I agree. I have several friends who are AAPI, and I had the same quandary after the shootings a couple of years ago. One of them later told me how touched she was that someone had expressed their concern for her, and I really kicked myself.
Anon
Not Jewish but I hear you. I don’t worry about, say, a suicide bomber on my kids’ bus. And yet elsewhere, that is a thought people have. Our church does not have security, much less armed security. All 3 synagogues in our city do and have had them for as long as I can remember. I don’t live now where there a lot of Jews, but I grew up outside of NYC and think of all of my friends and neighbors back at home. Each day, I am more horrified with the news that keeps coming out.
Anon
I’m Jewish also and I’d try to give the other mom some grace here. I saw a more religious mom with family in Israel at school pickup on Monday and didn’t say anything. I’m kicking myself for it now, but it’s hard to know exactly what to say when you’re in the moment. I have a lot of contempt for universities and other institutions who have entire teams of people devoted to writing statements and have now had several days to come up with a good written statement. But for individuals reacting off the cuff in person, I think we should try to give people some grace for not knowing what to say. (To be clear, I’m talking about people not saying anything, not people supporting Hamas. The latter is unjustifiable in any instance.)
Anon
My kids go to a Jewish day school (12 months to 8th grade). We live in a relatively Jewish progressive suburb in Ohio. We’ve always had armed guards walking around the perimeter of the school and the playground when the kids are out there. On Monday, the drop off routine changed. Before it was teachers getting the kids from each car in the drop off line and gathering them outside in pods for each class. Now the armed guards (paid for by the Jewish federation) were joined by the police departments of the three local suburbs driving around the perimeter and walking the kids in and out. A teacher quickly got my 5 and 3 year old from the car and then rushed them inside the building with the police officer watching and opening the door for them. I drove home and cried. How do I explain this to my kids? My husband wants to move them to the local public school now. What if we’re putting a target on our kids by sending them to a Jewish school (and one that most Israelis in our city attend)? And after this experience, I open social media to find my “progressive” neighbors posting about Palestine! I’m just numb.
Anon
That’s so awful, I’m so sorry.
Anon
I keep thinking that the dead should be buried this week and then worrying that people will attack funerals. It is just so horrifying, each day in a new (beheadings?!) and different (beheading babies?!) way.
Anon
Note that in Jewish culture, funerals often take place within 24 hours of death, and in Israel often on the same day. My friend whose peace activist son was killed has still been unable to arrange the funeral – I assume because bodies aren’t being released yet. This must be traumatic for all families involved.
Anon
I’m getting pelted with instagram ads for Vivaia shoes – has anyone tried them? Some of the styles are cute.
Anonymous
I have 2 pair and liked them until summer hit. They are made out of some kind of recycled material and my feet never sweat so much in my entire life. I vowed only natural fabrics going forward.
Anon
Oh dear, I tend to have sweaty feet so thank you.
January
I’m also curious about these (although some styles are cute and some of them strike me as fugly).
joan wilder
I bought a bag from them and it is great… sturdy and washable.
Anon
Awful shoes, wore once and had to toss them, poor materials and my feet could not stop sweating. They were cut weird and had unfinished bits inside too that caused blisters.
anon
Extremely comfortable and great arch support–love them!
Anonymous
I like my pair and don’t have the same sweaty feet problem that others do. I’d put the material as comparable to Rothy’s (so definitely not the most breathable). I find them to have more stretch than Rothy’s though, which makes them more comfortable for me. I have one pair of their flats and it is in semi-regular rotation.
Kindle Recommendations
I’d like to buy a Kindle today since they’re all on sale for Prime Day. I can’t decide between the basic Kindle, the paperwhite or the kids version. The kids version is appealing because it has no ads and comes with a case. Kindle users, which do you prefer and why? Thx!
boo
Paperwhite with warm light option. You can pay a bit extra to have the ads removed. I had the basic for years but the warm light is much more relaxing if you read in bed.
Anon
I actually have both. If you’re primary goal is to read more, kindle hands down. Being able to switch between a dark mode at night and bright mode during the day has been really helpful.
I bought the kid’s version for my kid. I was really surprised with how much software was already on it. I had to buy a microSD card right away just to have enough room to download some movies for a road trip. I’m not a UX designer, but I don’t really love the interface on this even in the “adult” profile.
Comparing the two, I don’t think reading books on the kids kindle would be really enjoyable. Even if it is capable of doing it.
testrun
It’s more expensive but after many years of heavy use I switched from the paperwhite to the oasis and really like it. The design feels more comfortable to hold in one hand and I like having a button to turn the pages (you can also tap the touch screen like with the paperwhite but after a couple years the screen started glitching on my paperwhite and not turning pages smoothly/going backwards instead of forwards). I also like that it’s waterproof for reading at the beach/pool or in the bath.
anon
I’ve had Kindles since they came out, and agree with all of this. But if you don’t want the Oasis, the Paperwhite for sure. The Paperwhite is still a really great option and the warm reading light built in was a game changer in my marriage (sleeping with a partner who had a hard time with lamps :)).
I had a case for my first Kindle and never used it. I really don’t think you need it. I take mine everywhere and just slip it in my bag/purse.
Cb
I put one of those finger phone rings on mine in lieu of a case.
Anonymous
+1 for buttons.
Senior Attorney
+1 for the Oasis
Anon
Whatever model you go for, just spend the extra from the start to remove the ads.
Anonymous
i’m surprised to see so many people talking about the ads – they’ve never bugged me; it’s only the startup screen. I bought a cover from Amazon for my paperwhite, mostly to easily distinguish mine from my husband’s, and haven’t had any complaints.
Anon
Paper white for sure.
Cat
Whichever one has physical buttons. I hate having to reach my thumb over to touch the screen to turn the page. I would inevitably miss and end up accidentally selecting text or launching the dictionary.
anon
In case it helps you or anyone else, I recently got a kindle (older gen paperwhite) from unclaimed baggage’s website and highly recommend it if you are ok with one that isn’t brand new out of the box. I found the description / photos of the one I got to be accurate.
Anonymous
If you’re like me and too cheap to remove ads, you can just keep it in airplane mode. Can’t get new ads if there’s no internet connection! I load a bunch of books at once so I only have to connect it to wifi every couple of months.
Anonymous
The question above about instagram ads reminded me, Faherty is following me all over the internet. Anybody tried the supposedly magic stretchy pants or cable knit cotton sweaters?
Anon
Not those items but it’s a well made brand overall, I’ve been very happy with things I have bought from them.
Anonymous
I bought my husband a sweater from them and it was stylish and high quality. He wore near constantly last winter and it still look great.
Anon
+1, they have good stuff and my husband regularly shops from there. I’ve also checked out items in store and they look well made for the price point.
Anon
Just got a diagnosis for my son that was not unexpected, but it was still tough to read in black and white. ADHD, plus general anxiety and OCD. He is 9, and we are just starting to see more of the compulsive behavior (touching things, counting). I’m just … sad. It’s a lot. Any commiseration or longer term success stories of folks who struggled with childhood OCD and got it well managed would be appreciated.
Anon
All the hugs <3
Parenting is hard and parenting special needs kids is a different level of hard. I know that it hits you hard when you get the diagnosis, but it's a good thing and now you can move forward and try to figure out what works best for your child. I don't have personal experience with OCD but things got a lot better for my child with ADHD and anxiety after we got the diagnosis and started treatment. I'll be thinking of you! Keep us posted on how it goes.
Anonymous
My son was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety at the age of 12. Not gonna sugar coat it- his teens were tough. If you can get a medical excuse for him to not participate in school activities that are highly difficult for him I would do it. We did not have that option for my son, but wish we had. The good news is- he is now a young adult, doing really great! He has learned what triggers him and how to manage it on his own. He completed both college and graduate schools at very prestigious universities, got a CPA license and is doing very well in his career. He is living independently. I am very proud of him. You will get through this with your son too- love conquers all.
Anon
Love all that. Thanks. Are you able to elaborate at all on his teen years, and things you struggled with? It’s helpful for me to conceptualize what this might look like for him.
Anonymous
Finding a therapist that he liked was hard- and meds were not really helpful. He tried several but refused them all as he got older. The types of OCD behaviors changed over time- new ones popped up and old ones went away. There were many teachers who would not compromise at all on activities that were problematic for my son. At one point, we pulled him out of a school where he was miserable, with teachers who clearly did not understand his needs and moved him to another where he thrived. One challenge was that he was bullied by kids who would call him ‘crazy’ or ‘weird’. Mostly he ignored the comments (but did defend himself when physically challenged). One bright spot was when he got a driver’s license. He is probably the most cautious driver I ever saw in my life. We got him a car as soon as we could which solved a lot of problems.
Acorn
Officially diagnosed with OCD at 14 but symptoms started much earlier. I’m glad you’re tackling it now. It IS a lot, but remember you’re at the very beginning. Get him started with a therapist and keep looking in case the first one isn’t a good fit. I hope your son starts feeling better soon.
Anon
I have OCD (diagnosed as an adult but glaringly obvious as a child, in retrospect). I am a happy, capable, mom of 3, who went to an excellent college and graduated with honors. I definitely have overall anxiety and possibly some executive function/ADHD stuff going on, too. There were absolutely rough parts, but these neurodiversities don’t define me and I’m glad that there is much more awareness and acceptance of them now!
Thinking back on what did/would have helped me as a kid, my parents could have been better at empathizing, and definitely watch the words you casually throw around with regards to your son because he will internalize them (“lazy”, “stubborn”, “antisocial”). But they also pushed me, and even when I struggled I’m glad they encouraged me to take on new challenges. They treated me as “normal” and capable (probably because they never considered pursuing any diagnosis, lol) and that type of confidence helped me to fake it til I made it. But at the same time, respect that your son may need more sleep and downtime than the average kid.
Please don’t despair; your son is an awesome individual and the future is still wide open.
Anon
I have a kid with a lot of initialed DXs and a good therapist, psychiatrist, and OT have been invaluable. With this team (new as of January), kiddo has come miles and miles and is generally happier and easier to manage in the moment. I’m so sad that it took us until now to get a good team together, but there is no roadmap and our very good pediatrician was out of her depth for non-physical health concerns, so please use a primary care source to ask for good referrals in your area. We could not have done any good just reading books.
Trixie
My sons are now 31 and 34, with a mix of adhd, ocd, anxiety, depression, and on the spectrum between the two of them. My best advice is to get great specialists–especially a psychiatrist. The anxiety and ocd will go down after treating the adhd, probably. (I am not a doctor,–but life will get easier for your son with treatment.) My son’s ocd resulted in his being an engineer, with excellent attention to detail. So important. The ADHD son is creative, charming, full of energy, and doing fine. There is hope, and things will get better. The teens were rough, especially for the spectrum/ocd son, but both boys are doing really well in life. Parenting and advocacy will take time–if you can work for yourself, find a flexible job, work part time, etc. it will be well worth it. Or your spouse. Hugs to you.
Anonymous
I have two of the three, and probably undiagnosed for the third. Keep a close eye on the anxiety in particular, because it makes the other two worse. You might consider family counseling to understand what patterns may contribute at home. Especially since these conditions tend to run in families. For me, my family did poorly with emotions due to their own difficulty processing them – lack of emotional processing makes my anxiety worse.
Anonymous
Also, get yourself to a place of acceptance that these will be lifelong traits and struggles. They will likely wax and wane, depending what else is going on in your child’s life, but they aren’t things that generally go away.
Anon
I am 34 and diagnosed with OCD at 30, but it’s manifested my whole life. I’m a biglaw partner, happily married, and went to two prestigious universities for college and law school. Once I got diagnosed I realized how living my life unmedicated was making things so much harder for me, and how behaviors I assumed were “part of my personality” were actually OCD symptoms that I learned to manage with medication and therapy. There is SO much hope for your son, and I think knowing his diagnosis now is a huge advantage, especially with a supportive parent like you! Sending love
Anon
I make a fair amount of soups in the winter for my meal prep. I’m thinking about getting either a Dutch oven or a crockpot, but I don’t have space for both. I usually cook 1-2x a week and eat leftovers the rest of the week. I commute 4x a week and wfh on Fridays. I live alone but host somewhat often.
I also make other dishes that would use a Dutch oven or a crockpot, so they’d both get non-soup use. Currently I use a large pot for soups and I do have an instant pot but don’t love its slow cook feature!
Hoping to buy whichever one I go for on the prime day sale.
Anonymous
we have all of those things, but i use my crockpot and dutch oven way more than the instant pot or a large soup pot (both in the basement). we use our dutch oven for soups and very large cooks, like mac and cheese for a group. we use our crockpot for meat, soups, beans, etc.
i will say that i like my $30 lodge dutch oven as much as i like my $400 creuset dutch oven though.
Anon
Hands down Dutch oven. Crockpots are where flavor goes to die.
Anon
Dutch oven over a crockpot in my opinion. It’s far more versatile. Make soups and stews, sauté veggies, bake bread, roast things in the oven, use on the campfire.
Acorn
+1
Vicky Austin
+1. If you really want to slow-cook something you have the Instant Pot’s function. Plus, a Dutch oven can do similar things – our house favorite chicken tikka masala recipe uses the Dutch oven in the oven for 3-4 hours at 325 or something like that.
Anon
Especially if you already have an Instant Pot, get the Dutch oven.
anon
+1 I use my Dutch oven weekly. We got a crockpot as a wedding gift 20+ years ago. I only use it to make pot roast a few times a year. At Thanksgiving I use it to keep mashed potatoes warm. That’s about it. I rarely use my Instant Pot and I didn’t like the crock pot setting on the IP. It didn’t work as well as my basic crock pot that has just high and low settings.
Anon
Definitely a dutch oven! It has so many uses unlike a crockpot.
Anon
I love my Dutch oven so much and am generally a le creuset and staub fan girl.
But since you say you already have a stovetop pot for soup that you like, I’d definitely get a slow cooker. And I agree that the instant pot slow cook feature is trash.
Anon
The enameled cast iron dutch oven from Target is the kitchen item that if I had to pick one cooking item to take with me, would be the one. I’ve had it for 20+ years, it cost a fraction of one from Le Crueset or Staub, and have cooked a ton of memories (and a few disasters – but that wasn’t the pot’s fault.) They still make one.
Other than reheating stuff I made in that dutch oven at a work potluck, I haven’t had need/use for a crock pot.
Anan
Another vote for Dutch oven. I use my IP a ton when I need to make food ahead of time, but nothing beats the taste of cooking it in a Dutch oven. Plus you can bake in it!
Ginger
I had a Lodge and I upgraded to a Le Creuset. My main gripe with the Lodge is the smaller base due to the angle of the sides of the pot (wider opening, narrower base). The Le Creuset has straight up and down sides which provide for a much larger base. This is key when you’re browning meat because you have a much larger surface area to work with. If you need to brown cubed meat in batches, it goes much quicker.
Anon
You need both in your life. They have different purposes and belong in your pantry. Slow cooker/crock pot is something you’ll be glad you have for that holiday or large casual gathering where you need to keep something warm for hours. You cannot beat the Dutch Oven for stovetop AND in oven slow cooking of soups, stews, pot roast etc. You can get a medium sized crockpot for $25 these days and you have it for years. As others have said, you might want to score the Prime deal on a Staub or Le Creuset as an ‘heirloom’ but Lodge, Target or Kohls work just fine and cost much less.
Anonymous
related to the convo above on support for terrorists – this is the first time I’ve really noticed students opining on a major world event, from the Harvard students to the NYU/Winston student (who sent it around as head of a student org at NYU, right?). Why do we think this is different – because people already had opinions about Palestine? Why did they think media would even pick up their messages, or did they seek to sway student opinion? Something about two different groups at two elite universities doing this seems very odd and a little suspect.
Anon
It’s definitely not the first time they’re opining on world events. They’ve been advocating for boycotts, etc of Israel for years. It’s just getting more media attention now because the attacks were so horrific and the statement was so repugnant.
Anon
(And pretty much every major university has student groups like this, it’s not unique to Harvard and NYU at all.)
Anon
These are preexisting student groups. It’s sort of the equivalent of the prolife student group releasing a statement when Dobbs passed. They’re just more popular and getting more attention because their opinion is more controversial. While I strongly disagree with their statements and condemn any violence against civilians, these groups have become more popular on campus in recent years because of the actions of the Israeli government.
Anonymous
They’ve become more popular because it’s trendy to hate Jews
Anon
Kanye West lost his entire career over anti-Semitic statements. I don’t know where you are getting the idea that it’s “trendy to hate Jews.” I’m sorry to invoke this trope but – some of what I’m seeing here is starting to seem like a persecution complex, or like people are actively looking for signs they are being oppressed/being insulted. When all you have is a hammer…
Anon
There are lots of studies out there about the recent rise in antisemitism, just a G*ogle away. It’s not an opinion.
Kanye West’s career has been heavily impacted by his mental illness and extremely strange and inappropriate behavior like getting a bl0w job on a boat in Venice with his b*ttcrack exposed. His antisemitic comments are just a tiny part of why his career is suffering. And I’m also not convinced he won’t be successful again at some point. Many “canceled” men return to prominence.
Anon
This is not okay. You’re not only ignorant of the rise of antisemitism (whether in the form of real life hate crimes or the popularity of antisemitic influencers or conspiracy theorists… all of those are happening in conjunction, and I would add from observation that people when not in mixed company are saying antisemitic things more openly socially as well), but you’re actively suggesting that people are just imagining things?
Anon
No, it’s trendy to hate Arabs.
Anonymous
You just haven’t been paying attention!!
anon a mouse
Kent State would like to have a word.
Anon
Hello from Berkeley.
Anonymous
+1, I was in the end apartheid in South Africa generation.
Anon
There were plenty of hot takes shared when I was a college student 20 years ago and it wasn’t new then, either.
Anon
Either the OP of this thread is really young or they have consumed a very narrow, curated selection of media in their lifetime. Because this is not new at all. My parents marched against the Vietnam War in college; I marched against the second Gulf War and against campus sexual violence. Maybe OP also did not go to college, because as long as I have been around college students, there’s been mobilization against or for some cause.
Anon
Right. Pretty much all the dissent during the 60s started on college campuses.
I have lived in Berkeley for 30 years and have seen more local businesses boarded up due to protests than I can count. The protests are always political in nature. I don’t know what rock OP has been living under, but it’s certainly not a rock anywhere near a major university.
anon
No, student radicals have been like this forever (or at least since the Vietnam War) – it just wasn’t on your radar, probably in part because before social media, it was harder for those statements to get picked up by the media. I cut my teeth in the late 1990s/early 2000s as a campus activist on the death penalty, US involvement in Latin America, and then (in the post 9/11 era) antiwar activism, and we were forever issuing statements, organizing press conferences, etc. I even went to what was basically activist summer camp to learn how to do that kind of stuff.
Anon
I think maybe the media in general picked up on it more and this is why you are noticing?
Issues surrounding student groups, protests, statements, what faculty/TAs are allowed to say in class and on social media, etc. have all been coming up in media sources like Chronicle of Higher Education at least since I started paying attention about 15 years ago.
Anon
I think that kids live in such an echo chamber, even on a college campus, that they are legitimately shocked when people have principled and reasoned issues with what they say, much less when they mess up with a major consequence. No one breaks bread with anyone even slightly different than they are anymore — maybe we are so isolated that it’s not possible, but there is no first opportunity for exposure and gentle correction / testing of pre-formed assumptions before it all hits the fan.
I heard this at church from a civil rights leader, but it is hard to hate people you break bread with. And we break bread with no one now.
anon
Yeah, I commented above that I was very involved in a variety of campus activism in the late 1990s/early 2000s. It definitely existed then. The major difference that I do see is that there seems to be a bit of an expectation amongst campus radicals at elite schools now that they can say whatever they want without consequences outside the school environment. I was very aware that my activities had potential risk to my educational and career prospects and that there were places that would not hire me because of some of my political positions. I didn’t expect that to be consequence-free.
(In fact, my parents pushed – in vain – for me to omit my high school gay-rights activism off my college applications, because they were afraid, in the 1990s south, that I wouldn’t be admitted – now that would be viewed as a helpful extracurricular activity.)
Anon
And does this student have any sense of why NYU even really exists? That it originally served mainly local students who were barred from Columbia (etc.) because of religious quotas back then?
Signed,
NYU alumna
Anon
College students have always opined on things on which they have a tenuous grasp of reality. I am giving off big “get off my lawn” energy, but most college students live in a bubble and still view the world in black and white. Their passionate statements are exhausting, because there is so much they still don’t understand. Young adulthood is the process of learning how to be a nuanced person in a complex world.
Anon
“Young adulthood is the process of learning how to be a nuanced person in a complex world.”
And some of the women posting here apparently never completed that process, based on the high emotionalism and lack of logic on display here on a regular basis.
Anon
If you don’t feel emotional hearing news of children being slaughtered, you are disconnected from the human experience. I’m not ashamed that I cried during Sandy Hook, when seeing Mexican children in cages along the U.S. border, or this past week.
Anon
Agreed. Being unemotional about children getting murdered shouldn’t be a point of pride…
Anon
I cried over all those events. But I didn’t then also come on here and insist that people who aren’t posting messages on social media and writing their school boards to issue statements of denunciation are prejudiced against an entire group of people. Some of you have completely lost all sense of perspective and common sense in your rush to climb on your high horse of moral judgment. I honestly think a lot of what we’re seeing about the Israel attacks is more about enjoying being able to shame others for something they didn’t even know they were supposed to do, vs. any real belief that people making performative statements will legitimately change anything. Because I think anyone with a brain could figure out that some random person with 100 followers on Instagram posting an Israeli flag and a maudlin statement of “support” isn’t going to change jack sh*t.
Anon
This isn’t about individuals not changing their profile pictures to an Israeli flag, that’s a straw man. There are two separate things people have been discussing here: 1) far-left support for Hamas and/or blaming the attacks solely on Israel and 2) institutions like schools and universities being silent. I agree that #2 isn’t necessarily problematic in the abstract, but when the institution has made a statement about terrorist attacks in foreign countries in the recent past, you kind of have to wonder why they’re being silent about this one.
Anon
Were you also calling Black people overly emotional for being upset after George Floyd’s murder? Or calling LGBT people overly emotional after the Orlando club shooting? Because if you weren’t (and I read here back then and don’t recall constant comments to that effect like there have been the last few days), you need to check your antisemitism.
Anon
Because my daughter is college-aged I see a lot of the social media “activism” (I put that in quotes because it is so often performative with no action or effort put into it.) And what I have learned is that we do a really, really, really bad job of teaching modern world history. These kids can tell you all about the Boston Tea Party and re-fought every battle of WWII, but ask them about the Six-Day War or the Yom Kippur War or even the history of the founding of modern Israel or the pre-WWI history of the middle east and they are completely clueless despite having very strong opinions on a complicated subject they know nothing about. (As an aside, it absolutely astonished one of my daughter’s friends to learn that there were Christians in the Middle East before there were Muslims. She had absolutely no sense of what happened in the world between the “fall” of Rome and the Renaissance. And this was a straight A student. It was terrifying.)
But then my generation once stormed the Bay Bridge over the bombing of Libya and many of the students interviewed by the press had absolutely no idea what they were protesting so it is not like this is a new phenomenon.
Anon
Agreed (from parent of two teens).
Anon
so help your daughter educate her friends. someone posted yesterday that the DEI person at their kids’ school was unaware that there was a history of jewish persecution. um…
Anonymous
I agree with this. DH went to high school in Europe and the difference between what he learned and what I was taught on the middle east or other parts of the world is astounding.
Anon
Lolol have you been living under a rock? Nothing is different now than before in this regard.
Anon
I never thought I’d look for remote jobs, but the reality is there just aren’t that many jobs in my field in my city (and I love my city and won’t leave). I love hybrid working and I do think it’s healthy for me to get out of the house most mornings. I also enjoy interacting directly with colleagues (both because I do this it’s easier to work face to face and because I enjoy the chit chat. At a previous job I met several lifelong close friends, which was a great bonus).
I live alone and am an extrovert so I’m definitely nervous about limiting my face to face interaction. I do have a very healthy social life and a few hobbies I pursue somewhat seriously, but I can’t reasonably expect social interaction ever single day (late 20s so friends are slowly starting to settle down and some have moved to the suburbs, so just less opportunities for hanging out).
I already volunteer, play on a social sports team, and go to classes at my gym. My bar trivia team disintegrated due to folks moving to the suburbs. I was hoping to start an art class, but haven’t found one that fits my schedule. When I’m not dating anyone, I am on the apps and try to have a few dates a month. Ideally, one of these dates would pan out and I’ll have a partner to regularly spend time with, but who knows how long that may take.
My depression is well controlled 90% of the time, but when I’m in a depressive mode, I don’t think living and working alone is the healthiest option for me.
The flexibility of remote would be nice for traveling; my parents have a lake cabin (with fast wifi) and I could work there for large chunks of the summer which would be very fun.
All this to say – tips for enjoying remote work when you’re an extrovert who lives alone?
Anon
I don’t think remote work is right for you. I know that’s not want you want to hear, but the people I know who are single extroverts have all found in-person jobs. They’re just not suited to remote work, and it sounds like you’re not either. Even at a hybrid job you can probably work remotely for a few weeks at the lake cabin.
Anon
Unfortunately this is my second hybrid job and neither have been flexible enough for much cabin time. Current job is very strict that everyone is in office M-Th and remote F and previous job was a nice 3/2 split but you could only wfh from your designated home location (I once WFH’d from my parents’ real house because I was dog sitting. Boss noticed my background was different).
I agree that remote probably isn’t the best for me, but is probably infinitely better for my career.
Anon88
Have you considered joining a coworking space? I had to try a couple to find one whose vibe worked best for me, but I love it. Met a bunch of friends, get out of the house, have people to chitchat with during the day, etc.
Anon
I would be interested in doing so, especially if work reimbursed. Truthfully I haven’t looked into it too much just because I haven’t had a need to yet.
Anonymous
In my city there are some versions of co-working spaces that are not the basic WeWork-type model. For instance, there is a women’s networking club that has co-working spaces available to members at their physical location. There is also a place that feels more like a coffee shop but where you pay a membership fee so you don’t feel like you are going to get kicked out if you don’t keep buying $8 drinks. Just a suggestion to dig deeper if that appeals.
Anon
Oh that’s a great suggestion and sounds very much up my alley! I’ll play around with some search terms to see what I can find. Thank you.
Meara
I’ve been working from home as a single extrovert for years now, and I love not having to commute but it’s rough. I do a lot of the stuff you mention but still have a hard time getting enough socializing (while also managing to not over pack my life to allow for downtime!). I especially have a hard time as I’m older and my friends are all married or tired and busy and not willing to do happy hour or dinners on a weeknight, and want less interaction. I’ve found having a roommate really helps though of course also can have its own issues. Good luck? I’m not sure I could work in an office again but I do really wish I could have like…two days a week in an office? I did try a coworking space a while back but it was pricey and not super social.
Carrots
I’m similar in that my depression is well controlled most of the time, live alone, active socially with hobbies/dating/friends, etc. I took a remote job last year and have some qualms about the remote part still, but for the most part enjoy it. I found one thing that helps is trying to work from a coffee shop or co-work somewhere at least once a week, especially in a period where my other socializing is low (friends are travelling, not as many activities, etc.). It doesn’t solve all of the issues, but it does hit a certain spot when I need it.
I probably won’t be in this job for the rest of my life and it hasn’t converted me to a full-remote type of person yet, but for what I needed it to be at the time (getting out of a job that was getting a bit toxic), it’s done really well for me.
Anon
This is very encouraging to hear! I’d definitely be open to working from a coffee shop (with or without a friend) or a coworking space somewhat regularly.
I also have several relatives (parents, sister, several aunts and uncles) I’m close to who live in the suburbs of my city and I have no issue inviting myself over for dinner / inviting them over for a meal / meeting up for pickleball or a walk on days I’m lacking socialization).
Anonymous
What about a remote job with travel? I’ve worked remotely since 2012 and I’ve had some roles requiring me to travel ~1 week/month. I don’t know if those other 3 weeks would be too much isolation for you.
You may also want to look for orgs that are fully remote. I find they are much more collaborative and have more of a “virtual team” vs a company that simply allows WFH but everyone else is in the office.
Consider also things like a local to you walking group. My neighbor and I walk nearly every AM after the kids get on the bus. I’m home and logged in by 8:15.
Anon
Two great points I neglected! All of the jobs I’m looking at are 20-30% travel. I agree that that would definitely help break up the remoteness, though I do worry about the travel’s impact on the ability to join teams or classes and have standing plans.
Of the jobs I’m looking at, about half are organizations that are fully remote and per glass door do a good job of building culture remotely. The others seem to be orgs with HQs but dispersed teams (some team members at Hq, some at other offices, some fully remote) so at least it’s not like the whole team is in DC and I’m alone in my city.
I would definitely look into joining a running group if I’m fully remote. I have a friend I run with ~3x a month (which is as often as our schedules allow) but would be interested in finding a group to join.
Anon
Honestly, when I worked fully remote I was on so many video calls during the day that my socializing quota was filled up pretty quickly.
Anon
I think this depends on your personality but for me video calls are so much less fulfilling than in person interactions. I’m an introvert but I’ve heard extroverts say they hate them too.
Anecdata
I don’t know if this at all appeals to you, but I live with housemates – primarily for economic reasons but the “background level” of socializing I think fills some of the same space as in-office for me. They’re not close friends, but someone I’d have a few minutes of chitchat with while making dinner — office equivalent of coffee break time. And it means I never have those strings of – “haven’t had plans in a few days, whoops I haven’t seen a real live human in 24 hours” that can happen if you live alone and WFH
Anonymous
those of you who like gardening (outside) (with plants) – how are you shutting down your garden for the season? this is the first year i’m doing a bunch (zone 6):
– digging up elephant ears to overwinter as bulbs, also dahlias although i think i killed them all
– planting cover crops for our raised bed garden – oats, peas, radishes
– taking cuttings of the flowers i liked to try to keep for next year as indoor plants
– trying to overwinter geraniums in a few different ways (bare roots, dormant in pot in garage, and cuttings)
– planting tulips in containers for spring, to keep in my garage until spring
– trying to overwinter the mandevilla in pot in garage but i expect it will die
Anon
Raking leaves and ignoring the rest, tbh.
Anon
I collect any seeds I want for next year. I cut down my peonies and pull things like zinnia and pumpkin vines that have powdery mildew. I leave most plants for spring clean-up. When the first frost hits, I dig up my dahlia tubers and store for next year. I also bring my geraniums inside, in pots on windowsills.
Anonymous
I lol’d at the additional ‘with plants’ qualifier on gardening outside.
Vicky Austin
We just moved into a house with a lot of garden space and some hydrangeas and other flowering things, but I’ve never been a great gardener. Zone 6(on the cusp of 7). Got any good resources for me?
Anonymous
i really like tiktok for this – it’s very educational and kind of calming to be on gardentok. just search for a plant you have.
Anon
I do nothing other than doing some leaf cleanup. I don’t even pull dead plants any more, because beneficial insects can overwinter in the leaves, stems or roots. I plant a lot of perennials and honestly, they don’t need a lot of winterizing in our zone – they die back; in the spring I cut them off at ground level; they come back to life as the soil warms up.
I never plant cover crops in our raised beds because it’s a lot of work for no better result than I can get by just amending the soil in the springtime with some composted manure from Lowe’s.
You seem to really enjoy gardening, which is great. I used to do more than I do now, but just kind of lost the motivation over time. I plant things that will either come back on their own, or that I can plant once and they’ll last all season, and then next year I go get new ones. I am buying fewer and fewer annuals each year as my perennials take over most of my garden/flowerbeds. I also don’t have to worry about cold killing my bulbs as I live in a temperate zone; my concern is always more about drought than cold.
Gail the Goldfish
I’m going to try pruning my hydrangeas this winter and see what happens. They came with the house–I thought they were the type that bloom on old wood so haven’t pruned, but they haven’t bloomed the last few years, so I’m going to try a different approach and see how it goes. I move my potted perennial herbs right next to the house, which gives them just enough extra warmth/wind protection to keep them from freezing (I’m in zone 7b, so our winters are not terribly cold). Other than that, I mostly just leave stuff until spring clean up.
Anonymous
I’m zone 5b. This fall, ideally I will:
– split up & relocate some daylilies
– split and relocate some hosta
– move my lemon and gardenia trees inside (I’ve moved them to dappled sun; they’ll come in for good in a few weeks)
– clear the dead leaves from my veggie garden beds (cucumbers, pumpkins, corn, tomatoes, squash, all the scraggly bits).
– plant garlic and tulips in one of my raised beds
– mix in some grass clippings and leaf mulch into my raised beds, cover with cardboard (except for the ones with bulbs).
– I buy dahlia tubers every year bc I’ve never had much luck overwintering them in the garage, too much effort. I do throw a pile of mulch on them and some winters they come back, some they don’t.
-plant more daffodils; something funny happened with mine last year and they didn’t bloom for the first time in 5 years so I’m adding more as a hedge
– after they die, pull out annuals (marigolds mostly).
Formerly Lilly
Zone 7b. I clean up the dead stuff and just generally tidy. Otherwise I practice passive gardening in that plants will make it or they won’t. Much to my surprise, elephant ear bulbs came back after a historic freeze last winter, and my figs came back from the ground to about five feet up.
Belle Boyd
For what it’s worth, my grandmother used to overwinter her geraniums. They were in big cement planters and she had the same geranium plants for years. She’d just cut them down to about 2 inches, move the planters in to her basement and let them go, occasionally giving them a little water. Then in early spring, she’d start watering them more and when the fear of frost was over, she’d move them outside. They’d grow back and bloom beautifully all summer. She also had a gift for growing amazing plants (the Easter lily with the 29 blooms at one time was truly spectacular!) I’ve tried overwintering geraniums but haven’t had as much luck — I blamed it on the fact that mine were kept in a garage that was much colder in the winter than her basement, and the fact that plants don’t love me as much.
Hope you have as much luck as my grandmother did!
adds
Hi – I need a trenchcoat. I’m looking for more current slightly oversized look than the belted/fitted look. I’m a 10/12 so can do a large medium or a regular large. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Marie
I have a London Fog raincoat that I’ve loved, that might work for you. It has a belt, but I don’t use it, and IMO it looks just as good without it. I have the long one (will put link in a reply), but they also have a short version in a similar style.
Marie
https://londonfog.com/products/single-breasted-button-front-hooded-maxi-trench-with-belt-l713190q74
Marie
Urg, my reply is in mod but if you go to the London Fog s*i*t*e and look for “trench coats,” you will find it.
Anon
I have a uniqlo one that I’m really liking. It’s quite oversized (I’m a UK size 10 and have an XS for a more fitted look).
HFB
Looking for car advice. Last week, someone rear-ended my parked car. Insurance appraiser came out and told me he expects it is totaled (still waiting for the official report). I absolutely love that car and I have taken meticulously good care of it for the last 10 years- never drove it in the snow to avoid salt damage; properly maintained all the fluids and recommended maintenance, etc. The car is a 2012 Honda Fit with about 130,000 miles on it (mostly mine and mostly highway), and I expect the insurance company to give me enough money to buy another 2012 Honda Fit….but in my mind a 10 + year old used car is not a suitable replacement because I will not realistically know the maintenance history and it will be very hard to find one that was as well cared for as mine.
I can afford to buy a newer car but I honestly do not like newer cars- I hate touch screens and I hate keyless start, and more and more cars are coming with those things as standard “features.”
I understand I have the option to keep the car and get it fixed myself, and still receive some amount of money from the insurance company. However I am worried that there might be some kind of permanent/internal damage that isn’t visible until it causes major problems down the road (pun not intended). I am also worried it will make it more difficult to get car insurance on this car. And I don’t totally understand how the payout is different if I keep the car vs. scrap it.
Has anyone kept a totaled car? What were the pros/cons? Would you do it differently next time? TIA!
Anonymous
Please don’t be silly about this. You can’t keep a totaled car for exactly the reasons you say. Fight the insurance company to get the max value you can and buy a new car. Get over the keyless thing. Focus on minimizing touch screen. A current Honda civic might be a good choice.
Anon
I kept a totaled car. It was an older paid-off car that I loved and nothing structural was involved in the crash. “Totalled” meant that it would cost more to fix than the car was worth. Mathematically true, but I would have had to come out of pocket for a new car and mainly relied on Metro back then. I drove the car on mostly short local trips for the next 5 years and then replaced with something much newer and a bit larger (with updated safety features). Maybe it wouldn’t have been as crashworthy against an SUV, but it was a small VW so even pre-crash would have been iffy against a giant car. A good mechanic will tell you the truth, and I had a great mechanic back then.
I don’t think that they payout changes — State Farm gave me the $1500 that the car was worth and I used it to fix the car. They didn’t care what I did with it.
Anon
Same! OP – a “totaled” designation is not synonymous with a car having a salvage title. It really is just insurance company math. And for a “totaled” vehicle that really is fixable, if you don’t opt to buy the vehicle back, the insurance company will sell it at auction. They don’t just haul it off to a junkyard for scrap. If you have a mechanic you trust, have them look at objectively and tell you straight whether it is safe to keep or not. For example, ugly body damage can cost a ton to fix while not impacting the safety of the vehicle at all.
Anon
Just know that if your car is totaled out, it changes the title to a salvage title which can affect your resale value. There’s no hiding that it was once totaled.
That said, I imagine the resale value isn’t high on a 2012 Fit.
I understand why you like your car but I’m just here to say my daughter drives a 2016 Fit and it’s not a super modern version of the car. Maybe you can just go a few years newer with your replacement.
Anon
The low resale value becomes a problem if she gets hit again. Let’s say that her car is worth $7,000 and she puts an additional $2,000 into it. That’s a total of $9,000 (she otherwise would have put the $7k in the bank or into another vehicle). If she’s hit again, they might give her nothing, and she would t have a down payment for another vehicle.
Anonymous
I think it’s time to stop insuring the car for damage. You can opt to insure yourself for any medical or liability issues resulting from car accidents without carrying insurance to cover damage to the vehicle.
Anon
That doesn’t change the fact that if she gets into another wreck in a few months, the money that would have gone to a new car isn’t there.
Anon
No it does not necessarily change the title. I have done this twice now and in both instances, the title was not impacted.
The insurance company will try to lowball your car’s payout value and overprice your car’s buyback value. If you have records of all your maintenance and repair work that helps increase the payout value. Settle with your insurance company on that amount first, then get a mechanic’s statement describing why your car is worth less to buy back (age, miles, wear & tear, etc.) and negotiate that with your insurance company. For us, this process took a few days and the vehicle sat in our driveway the whole time. Once the insurance company settled on both amounts, they did the match and cut us a check for the payout value minus the buyback value.
We used about 1/4 of that to get the car roadworthy again (because we weren’t picky about OEM parts for an aging vehicle, and didn’t care about cosmetic issues like a crack in the wheel well trim or a missing logo on a quarter panel). We pocketed the rest.
Once the vehicle was fixed, we called the insurance company and provided receipts for the repairs, then got full coverage again.
anon
Did you get the car looked at by a reputable auto body shop? They will be able to better tell if it is totaled or can be salvaged. If the car can be salvaged, you will get a check from the insurance company you could put towards the repairs.
Anonymous
The insurance company will pay you the lesser of the cost to fix the car or what the car is worth. If it’s totaled because it would cost more to fix than it’s worth, the you are on the hook for repairs that exceed the value of the car. Personally I would not sink hundreds or thousands of dollars into a 10 year old car period, especially one that has been in a major accident. I’m like you, I like to keep cars as long as possible and I HATE getting used to new tech, but you know this day had to come sometime. It sucks and I’m sorry.
Anon
Of course you need a new car. It’s not safe anymore.
Anon
That’s not what totaled means necessarily.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t keep the car. Not everything has a keyless start and only touch screens. My 2021 Ascent has a keyed start and a combo of touch screen and buttons for the dash. Shop around. Test drive a variety of models from different manufacturers. Newer used cars are often a good deal as you get a year or two left on the warranty. With interest rates, our area had more available that usual because people were struggling to make payments and downsized.
anon
Keeping a 10-year-old totaled car is not smart (or even safe). Look for base model cars if you don’t want all the bells and whistles. My 2020 Honda is not a base model, but it still has a combination of buttons and touch screens. It has the keyless start, which bugged me for about 2 days but I quickly moved on and got over it.
Anon
I’d also call local repair shops and see what their timeline would be for fixing it. A year ago when I was in an accident my insurance adjuster (who was a great guy) told me to hope it was totaled because repair shops had months long waits after Covid.
Anon
I just want to chime in that I was totally against touch screens and push button start, but I love my honda accord hybrid and don’t think about these features at all anymore.
Anon
. . . what is the point of having a car if you won’t drive it in the snow . . .
Sallyanne
Family (husband, 20 yo daughter and myself) will be in New Orleans for 2 days in mid December before a cruise and 2 days after (one being Christmas Eve). We are staying at the Eliza Jane on both ends of the cruise. Looking for suggestions for Christmas Eve meal anything we shouldn’t miss. Thanks!
Elegant Giraffe
Commander’s Palace would be amazing for a Cmas Eve dinner if you can get a reservation
Anon
Also, check out options for réveillon dinners. Traditionally, families would have a festive meal when they returned home from Christmas eve midnight mass (So, fancy breakfast late/dinner at around 2AM – we also have a tradition of having late night/early morning breakfasts at the end of formal parties. Apparently there is no time in the day or night at which we Louisianans will not feast.) Anyway, more recently, many New Orleans restaurants have started offering a special, relatively traditional, set réveillon menus as a promotional feature during the holiday season. You eat them at normal dinner times, not the traditional post-mass time. Most places don’t offer them on Christmas eve, I think – you may need to try another day for that. And enjoy the Christmas decorations – it’s a great time of year to be in the city. Not too hot, the streetcars are decorated with wreaths, and people and businesses go all out with their decorations. I particularly like the decorations in the Roosevelt Hotel, where you can also stop in the Sazerac Bar for a cocktail.
Does lunch count as work?
The initial comment today dealt with work schedules, and the OP and many of those who responded listed work hours of fewer than 8 hours, or fewer than 8 hours unless you count lunch as work time. Do you? I realize that my early career was in government (no paid lunch) followed by a law firm with billable hours, so it never occurred to me that people count lunch as work time. Do you?
Anon
I usually work through lunch.
Hootster
+1
Anon
I do. I’ve always eaten at my desk in several small meals throughout the day while reading emails or other work related stuff, so I don’t know why I wouldn’t. I’m at work, doing work.
Anon
I had two jobs (NGO and federal government) with no paid lunch (so
8:30-5:30 were work hours). I then moved to local government and now work at a F50 company, both of which are 8 hours inclusive of a 30 min lunch. It’s 50/50 if I actually take lunch or just eat at my desk.
When I worked at places with 9 hour days, I was adamant about taking the full hour. I feel pretty adamant that I don’t work for free.
Now that I’m a little more settled, I value my free time so much – I have zero desire in working somewhere with a 9 hour work day with built in hour long lunch.
Anon
No, lunch is separate. I take a 30-minute lunch and bill 8 hours on my timesheet (policy consulting). That means my workday is truly 8.5 hours since I don’t consider a lunch break a real break. I would be really happy to find a job where I’m only truly working 7.5 hours a day.
Anan
I don’t count lunch as work time, but it’s a union mandated thing for me.
Cat
I don’t really take a lunch break other than the time it takes to go procure it, so never thought about it either way.
Anon
The idea of an 8 hour day seems very outdated to me. It’s a relic of a day when you left work at 5 pm and didn’t think about it again until 9 am. Very few white collar employees have jobs like that now. I’m h feeling is that if my job can intrude on my nights and weekends, they shouldn’t own my business hours. I work the hours I need to get my work done, which is usually less than 8 hours day.
Anon
According to employment laws I’m only paid for 7.5 hours a day so yes, I take a lunch break.
Anonie
I consider lunch similar to bathroom breaks; it’s a human biological need and IMO should be included in the 40 hours of paid time for salaried employees. Granted, my job often has me working outside of 9-5, so it all comes out in the wash, but I consider my core hours 9-5, and if I take breaks in there to eat lunch, eat snacks, go to the bathroom, take a short walk, those are all part of my being a human being and thus accounted for in the fact that my job hired a human, not a robot, to work 40 hours a week.
Anonymous
If you’re salaried I’m not sure why this matters. Sometimes I work (way) more than 40 hours a week. Sometimes I don’t. I know a lot of employers have been trying to put restrictions on salaried employees as if they’re hourly workers* but I refuse to play along.
*For example, a friend is a salaried paralegal at a law firm. If she takes off an hour or two for a doctors appointment, the firm makes her use half a day of PTO/sick time unless she can make up those hours the same day. If that’s how you want to treat her then make her hourly and pay OT.
Anonymous
It depends on the job. I have a 1 hr unpaid lunch, DH has a 30 minute unpaid lunch. Same city, similar jobs, different employers both work 9-5ish. No billable hour. That makes a big difference. I regularly end up working through my lunch to finish at 5 because kids.
Anon
Salaried here. My standard hours are 8-5 with an hour for lunch. That schedule flexes quite a bit, with heavier hours during busy seasons and lighter hours during slow times, but it averages out to 40 hours a week. I don’t really pay attention to how much time I spend on lunch (and often eat at my desk while doing light email filing), but when I was hourly earlier in my career I absolutely took all 60 of the minutes allotted for my lunch break.
Anon
Salaried in government, work through lunch, and I dream of an 8-hour day — even just one a week. I am usually in the office 12-hours a day, five days a week, and at least one day on the weekend. I am fascinated that so many people have 8 hours days, regardless of whether they include lunch.
Anon
If you’re working 72 hours a week for a government paycheck, you need a new job! It’s one thing in Big Law where they pay you an obscene amount of money to have no life. But for a govt paycheck?! No way.
Anon
Nope. Not for the purposes of my time sheet anyway, unless I’m eating while I work. But usually I take a whole hour off at some point during the day and run errands or exercise. If you asked me in conversation I guess I would probably count start time to end time as my work hours.
DCpandas
I’m heading in to take my work ID card today! Any tips for getting a nice photo?
Anon
Lordy, my parents haven’t moved in 30+ years. One of them is dying of cancer. The other one is from a generation that never planned to be a care giver and I worry won’t last long as a widower. They are both of sound mind and still at home. Dad’s not a classic hoarder, but he still has his undergraduate textbooks and probably every box and set of instructions from a MS-DOS computer to my first Blackberry and some Compaq Pressarios in there also.
I get that they will stay put while Mom is still alive, but I’d love to get him at least moved into an apartment near me (9 hours away) so that I don’t find him dead some day. I’m the nearest relative. I know the neighbors, but he doesn’t like to have people over (understandable with COVID, then with mom ill, then with the state of the house). I check in monthly, but a lot can go wrong in a month.
Are there any good books or websites for helping a long-distance adult child help oversee distant aging parents? At some point, when they go to bury Mom in her hometown, I will want to take Dad home with me (or to a 2-BR apartment with an elevator in my part of my city), but I know he’ll push back with the “but my things / my house / etc.,” which isn’t wrong, but is just stupid stuff weighing him down.
anon
The best thing I did for my relationship with my dad was not bug him about his stuff and how he lived because he was mentally competent to decide for himself. Would I have liked it if his house wasn’t hoarded? Absolutely. Did I invite him to live with or near me even though I knew he was likely to turn me down? Yes. Did I jump on the chance to help him get rid of stuff when he wanted help? Absolutely.
But, he wanted to live how he wanted to live. We all want to choose how we live, even if others disagree. I’m really glad he loved me for me and didn’t try to get me to change how I lived either.
anon at 12:33
But, if you get to the point where you’re responsible for care, elder care consultants can be really, really helpful in finding the right services for your family.
Anonymous
On the stuff: can you get rid of any of it now? My MIL is like this and our approach has been for DH to take it all. She can’t bear to toss it, but is OK with giving it to him to “sort through and keep what I want.” She knows he isn’t keeping all of it, he knows he won’t keep nearly any of it, but mentally, she is giving it to him.
another thing would be to have it all professionally packed and put into a storage unit. Move dad and the basics. Throw the rest away in several years. It’s costly and wasteful, but if he can afford it it’s the least traumatic.
Anonymous
Losing your mom will be an enormous loss. I would be hesitant to push him out of the house too quickly. That house probably holds a lot of memories of their lives together.
Is there a local grocery store that delivers? We have a local grocery store that sells premade meals. I had them deliver to my great aunt twice a week. Yes, it could have been weekly but that way there was someone checking every couple days and I knew she ate nice fresh meal a few times a week. Combine that with a weekly cleaning service.
When she was ready to move to seniors living, she pack what she wanted to take and my parents and I took care of clearing out her house. She preferred that over the burden of sorting through everything.
Anonymous
How old is your father? My father was widowered at 67 (after 35 years of marriage). Honestly, it was rough and I think he ate dinner at Steak and Shake 6 days out of 7 for a few months. But, he was young enough to get his act together, to learn how to use the washing machine, etc. He eventually remarried but I shudder to think what would happen if he were widowered again, at 80.
Anon
He is mid-80s, so at the “shudder to think” stage.
Anonymous
Would he be willing to move with getting rid of the house? Like do a reverse mortgage on the house to fund the apartment near you? Then you can deal with the house after he passes.
Anonymous
He would have to be living in the house to qualify for a reverse mortgage.
NW Islander
I moved my ill, borderline hoarder parents near me. The experience is simultaneously my biggest lifetime achievement and the worst thing I ever did to myself. I had to downsize them from 5400 sf to 2400 sf. I received minimal help from others, including him because he was occupied with my mom. My dad openly resents me now from the beautiful house I bought them – and he ASKED for the move, and CHOSE the house. He has filled it with more junk – family says this is maybe to make it impossible for me to help him move again. I now wish I had left him to rot with his things in the 5400 sf house with the caving roof. I lost years of my life, hundreds of thousands of dollars, plus dealt with semi-serious injuries from all the heavy lifting and moving – since his “special” things could not be touched by movers. I almost lost my job too.
Leave your dad alone, unless he wants a change. Live your own life. Perhaps make a list of family heirlooms and valuables, find them and secure them. Safety deposit box, etc. so they do not get lost to the hoard or sticky-fingered handymen.
Anonymous
This. Hoarding is mental illness. Changing the location or house size will not help and may make it worse.
Sorry for what you went through NW Islander. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you did the best you could in an impossibly difficult situation.
Anon
Yup, leave your dad alone unless he can’t physically take care of himself anymore.
anon
You could have written this about my grandparents but with the genders reversed. Guess what happened, grandma came into her own as a widow and lived another 10 years in her own home with all of her children and adult grandkids no closer than a four hour flight. What helped was having supports in place with a weekly helper to buy groceries, take her to appointments, etc., then followed as time went on by meal delivery for her dinners, people to take care of the yard, and visits from family timed out every 2 months or so. Not everyone’s experience, but I would leave him in the home for a bit and see what happens.
Anonymous
Many older people die with 2 years of their spouse passing. In the initial period after your mom passes, I would focus on getting meal support and cleaning services in place (kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, living room – he can hoard the rest of the house), and then look at a move in a couple years.
Anonymous
The AARP has good caregiving resources with lists of questions that can help you figure out exactly what kinds of support your dad needs and develop a plan that takes into account his wishes and resources as well as your own. Long-distance caregiving is really hard, but I also think it can be the right choice when the elder in question is deeply integrated into their community. https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/
Anonymous
Before she moved in to an assisted living, my FIL used Alexa Drop In to quickly check in on his mother daily. Yes, Alexa has some real creepy privacy implications, but it is good for keeping tabs on elderly. Plus in theory, if older person fell but was still conscious, they could yell at the Alex to call someone.
Anonymous
Oh yes, my husband used this–or tried to–with his blind father in his nursing home. He could not keep a cell phone charged, and there was no other phone in his room, so he set it up so his father could just say, Alexa, call xxx. Except FIL would forget how to do it and use a nickname, etc. Still, my husband could drop in.
Anon
Any chance he’s tech savvy? I bet a good deal of those old textbooks and manuals would sell on eBay as collectors items, and listing them and mailing them out could be a good “hobby” and might feel better to him than just tossing them.
Anon
So it finally comes out that Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith have been separated for 7 years. Well, that puts the affair and then the Oscar slap in a different light, doesn’t it? I mean, the two have been pretending to defend their marriage and each other, but if they’ve been separated this whole time but secretly, they’re just basically pretending for the cameras and the jokes on us and everyone who was trying to say that slapping another man was chivalrous and “oh I wish I had a husband like that,” etc. Not sure what my point is – I guess I’m just feeling dumb that I thought they were actually married and not separated this whole time.
Belle Boyd
I thought the whole slap thing was staged anyhow, especially when the Oscars that year were sponsored by a pharmaceutical company that was coming out with a drug to treat alopecia. Tell me THAT doesn’t put the whole deal in a different light…
I mean, what better way to let the world know what alopecia is.. and oh look! Here’s a company making a drug to treat it! Call me cynical or suspicious, but that was just way too convenient.
Anonymous
Will Smith is a multimillionaire, he wasn’t going to trash his reputation of a few extra million.
Anon
Yeah, except nobody came out of that evening talking about alopecia.
Anon
I mean, even if they were separated at the Oscars it doesn’t mean Will wants to see someone slap the mother of his children.
Anon
No one slapped Jada omg!! Will slapped Chris Rock because Chris made a joke about Jada being bald. I don’t even think it was that mean of a joke.
Anon
Um, have you been living under a rock?
Anonie
The whole situation is really sad, particularly how it has ruined Will’s reputation. No one remembers he is a Best Actor winner. Watching Aladdin and his other hits now feels awkward for me because we know way too much about his (weird) personal life. It’s a shame.
Anon
My conservative friends have turned this whole thing into a “Jada is a bitch” story. Apparently she was responsible for the slap as well. WTF
Hollis
I never heard of Claudia Goldin before, but she just won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research on gender inequality in pay. If you read her research, there’s a lot in there that would be interesting to the readers of ‘rettes, including the concept that many, if not most, women lean out when they have kids because the caregiving duties often require more flexible jobs which pay less. For a short version, you can listen to Freakonomics Episode 232: A New Nobel Laureate Explains The Gender Pay Gap.
anon
Thanks, I’ll check out the episode!
anon for this
She’s so great. I wish I’d discovered her when I was in undergrad – my econ classes were so boring and theoretical and I would probably have ended up as an economist.
Anon
I read her recent book a few years ago and was very impressed. Highly recommend.
Anonymous
What are you wearing for foundation these days? I’m 38, have 3 kids, WFH FT. IT! cc cream feels cakey, but Maybelline cc cream isn’t quite enough coverage. EltaMD sunscreen similarly isn’t quite enough on its own anymore. Help!
Anon
dr Jart premium BB cream and when I say I’ve tried them all I really have, including that IT cream that I thought was cakey and awful and Lisa Simpson yellow even in the fairest shade.
Hypatia
Ilia super serum skin tint is the best I’ve ever tried
Anon
If the Maybelline cc cream isn’t enough coverage for OP, the Ilia serum skin tint isn’t going to be even close to what she’s looking for.
anon
I’ve had better luck thinning out regular foundation with a touch of moisturizer. I swear that I have not found a CC cream that lasts more than a few hours. I also have a lot of natural pink and reds in my skin so I prefer some consistent coverage to even things out.
New Here
Nars tinted moisturizer is my go-to lately.
Anonymous
Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer plus an Ilia concealer as needed. If it’s a bad day, I do two layers of the moisturizer.
Anonymous
Revision intellishade
Anonymous
The thick, full coverage ones, like IT, feel like fatty crayons on my skin.
The foundations I’ve liked that are higher coverage tend to also be a little drying on my skin, so they only work well if I use hydration products as a base and saturate my skin. Otherwise they feel a little tight, and look like flour dust.
Currently I’m liking the Fenty one in this category, applied quickly, with a brush.
Makeup
just hit Sephora with this question in mind. Dr Jart was chalky despite redness being my main issue. I’m otherwise 40 with some dry patches
I left with Haus foundation (Lady Gaga’s line) which I really like. I was originally looking at Armani, so this also came in $20 cheaper.
it’s helpful to go in person to try a few out and get the staff’s help to color match
Anon
Did you try the Dr Jart in the green jar? That one is hideously drying on me. I like the Dr Jart Premium BB cream in the pump tube.
Makeup
Did you try the Dr Jart in the green jar? That one is hideously drying on me. I like the Dr Jart Premium BB cream in the pump tube.
Annony
I’m really loving the Tower 28 tinted sunscreen