Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: The Crochet Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This knit jacket from Frame looks like a perfect layering piece as the weather starts warming up. It’s somewhere in between a blazer and a cardigan, making it a perfect piece for a business casual outfit.
I would wear it over a striped tee for a preppy look or over an ivory blouse for a monochromatic vibe.
The blazer is $528 at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS-XL.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
Imagine this outfit on a flat-chested woman who is a size 12 apple. Any styling tips? Pants this high with an apple shape are a challenge, as is anything tucked in.
I saw myself in the mirror earlier after walking the dog (in darkness, in my defense) and it was bad: blocky XL hoodie over leggings. I can do better. I hate the square-ness. But how? I am lost (fibroids / perimenopause / shape that is still a bit new to me and COVID and RTO delayed getting new dressing skills for 2025 clothes).
HRT and a darker longer blazer with a plain silk top and pants that suit you?
I feel like Madeleine Albright always looked “together” and she seems like a reasonable goal (vs Instagram mums who lunch and spend an hour a day at the gym, which is great but not realistic).
HRT isn’t a silver bullet to weight loss or changing your shape.
Agreed. It may help level things out, but it’s not a miracle cure! Also, that’s not going to fix a fibroid issue.
Definitely true. But poor sleep with hot flashes and mood instability definitely increases your risk of weight gain, so treating that can help stabilize your overall health.
Yikes can we not with, just lose weight!
Styling tips: If you don’t like high rise, look for lower rise pants — measure the rise of a pair of pants that fit you really well, and then look for pants with that measurement, no matter how the marketing copy labels them ( low-, mid-, or high-rise).
This is a full-tucked top, with no blousing. Half tuck your tops, or with a top like this one, pull out two or three inches so it blouses over the waistband and lowers the height of it.
Use the shape of the top to alter your silhouette and float over your stomach. Do that with half tucks on floaty tops, cropped floaty tops (that are far smaller than your XL hoodie), etc. Even a cropped boxy shirt can work — IF it fits well in the shoulders/bust, and the boxy part floats away from the stomach.
Make sure tops (even if they’re bloused or boxy) fit you really well in the collar, shoulders, and chest — that will give your top half some structure and help with that blocky feeling (your XL hoodie probably had zero structure around your collar bone, shoulders, or chest).
OP — 1000% to your last paragraph. It’s a hoodie for a taller man with broad shoulders who is in fact shaped like a rectangle. I am not, but that’s how I get something that doesn’t strain over my stomach and hips. Women’s cut athleisure seem to be cut for a very athletic woman, not for a tested battle axe like me.
I love my popflex hoodies. I have a rectangle torso.. The popflex hoodies are cut in a triangle, so the top section is large and loose and tapers at the bottom. This ends up being very flattering for some reason.
I get a lot of compliments when I wear them, even when I toss them over leggings.
The “lady jacket” look is designed for this shape. Just don’t tuck in the top and wear mid-rise pants.
Just search the archives because this exact question has been asked multiple times per week ever since COVID started.
This is a fashion blog.
+1 – also, styles change.
Sure, and some posters are incredibly anxious and repeating the same posts over and over. It’s no use pretending I’m wrong; I’ve seen many, many other comments pointing it out too.
There’s a big difference between the fashion FAQs and the repeated posts from the mom who doesn’t want her daughter who may or may not be on the autism spectrum to go to real college or pursue a real career. Wanting fashion advice is not a symptom of anxiety. Also, maybe people want to engage in an active discussion today instead of just reading an old discussion.
Pop off, but this post doesn’t seem overly anxious. And you understand it doesn’t make you sound smarter than everyone to theorize that there are only 3 commenters writing the same things over and over?
What on earth? Stop with the armchair psychology. It’s a really bad look and is insulting to those who truly are dealing with anxiety. She asked a normal fashion question on a fashion blog.
I’m 51. About every 5 years, I’ve had to completely rethink how I wear clothes as my body has shifted. That’s not in my head, and I’m sure neither is it for OP. If you haven’t had to deal with this, good for you. But I have and a lot of my friends have. That doesn’t mean there is a mental issue going on. It also may be why you see similar queries–because it’s a freaking common problem.
OP is asking a question exactly appropriate for this blog, and what this place is all about out.
If there’s someone out of step here, it’s you. Go touch grass and get off the internet, @9:24, because it’s not doing you any good today.
Boxy “lady” jacket, untucked shell, elastic-waist pants. The outfit of apple-shaped women over 45 since time immemorial.
I’m bigger on top than on bottom. My shoulders are wider than my hips and my weight is in my belly. I’d flip the colors (dark lady jacket and top, lighter bottoms). I find the tuck is less of an issue with this third piece obviously untucked over it. I’d also probably have the sleeves shorter to bracelet length if they were longer than that because I find showing my wrist in boxy lady jackets somehow makes it less blocky. Hope that helps.
Yes, the tips I’ve heard are to show skin or make the fabric end at a place you want the eye to linger – wrists, collarbone, either hips or waist (whichever is smaller) or maybe the rib cage like an empire waist since that’s usually a skinny part of the bodies. If you want that look .
I disagree that lady jackets are the way to go for an apple, it just highlights the boxiness up top. Blazers that nip in a bit at the waist create more shape. I love a slight peplum for this, but that’s not exactly the style now. I have an old WHBM blazer with a little peplum that is a workhorse for me.
Talbot’s is really hit or miss when it comes to nipped-in shapes, but when it’s a hit it’s a really good hit. I recently got a light blue tweed blazer in petites so I don’t even have to get the arms taken up; and it was on clearance for like $40. J Crew is another good option. I like Boss and Brooks Brothers for suits, but they always need tailoring.
Agreed. I am apple shaped and lady jackets do me no favors. I can tuck a shirt into a high-rise pant, but I’m gonna need a longer blazer to even things out.
I aim for one button blazers where the button is fairly high and blazer length is below the natural waist,
Any recommendations for stores that offer classic yet updated office styles in natural fabrics? JCrew has been my go to for many years, but between the decline in quality and the quirky designs, I am not finding a lot of workwear there lately. I’m looking for things like nice wool trousers, merino knits, etc. in modern silhouettes and colors. I occasionally find something at Brooks Brothers or Theory, but would like more options in that tier.
I am sort of like you and the key for me is to shop as soon as fall clothes come out, starting for Talbots for lined wool pants and any matching suiting pieces. Lately, I change size or shape each year, so will be doing it again in the fall.
I was going to say Brooks Brothers. I am also always on the lookout for these things and they are hard to find. I agree with you about J. Crew. Boden sometimes has suits and other items that fit the bill. Garnet Hill has nice cashmere.
I had good luck buying two Escada suits second hand—I think I paid about $100-$200 for each suit and in one case had some tailoring done. If J. Crew and Brooks Brothers fit you, that might be an option. For reference I’m between an 8 and 10 at J. Crew and between size 38 and 40 (I think the German sizes) at Escada.
Banana Republic.
This surprises me. Is their quality good now? Because the last time I tried to shop there it was mostly synthetics.
They had an overhaul and rebrand a couple years ago. I’ve been pretty impressed with their stuff since, although generally they’re not for me–I’m too tall for the R length and just a hair too short for their L/T and in between sizes/shapes, but the few items I do have are very nice.
These are the kinds of things I buy on TRR.
Club Monaco is sometimes great. Small selection and some things are synthetic but enough silk/wool to make it worthwhile to shop and the cuts are often great. My favorite go-to power blazer is a tweed CM blazer.
Vince.
I came here to say the same. Vince has some well-made staples.
Yes to Vince; and I find it has some very forgiving shapes without being too blousy/flowing.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this, I have bought many pairs of their shoes over the years. Thanks!
+1 for Vince. I have been impressed with velvet too. It leans casual but it’s easy to dress it up.
I’m liking sezane for these things. I have a pair of nice Marino sweaters and some 100% wool pants from there.
I don’t know about the “yet updated” part, but Talbots still offers to wool suiting. Probably more in the fall/winter collection, but still classic. I think it’s worth it to get it tailored for your shape.
I’m sorting through my grandmothers things. Glass or breakable ornaments that aren’t sentimental? This time of year, just put in trash? I can see avoiding inflicting glass and breakables on Goodwill.
Are you talking about Christmas ornaments? I’d go ahead and donate them, and let Goodwill decide.
Glass is recyclable; do you have a drop off center near you?
If you are talking specifically ornaments that might be covered in glue, paint, or glitter, call first to confirm whether they can take those. One of the centers near me can accept mixed items like that, the other cannot.
Fewer and fewer places are taking glass recycling, because there is less and less of a market for it with the shift to plastic. Colored glass is even harder to recycle.
I m not on FB, but I recently discovered that Buy Nothing also has an app. I just post there and if no one claims it quickly, I discard guilt free or throw into a thrift store donation bag. I understand why you wouldn’t with breakable ornaments if they’re not packaged already.
Glass ornaments from your grandmother’s time may be collectables. Goodwill has gotten savvy to what they can sell on eBay these days.
Please donate. Goodwill wants your stuff!
i’ve seen auctions where they just auction off the entire contents of someone’s cabinet, or garage sales that let you just pick directly from the cabinet. something to consider if you’re doing either for the rest of her stuff. i’m sorry for your loss.
People want these Christmas ornaments. I buy a few each year for my 1940s themed tree.
Goodwill or eBay. Because they are breakable, they likely have a market (I have bought off season to replace ones I’ve broken in my sets or to add to my tree’s theme (I have one that is all sweets/desserts). If they are from someone like Christopher Radko or a Polish glass, they likely have a market.
Vintage glass ornaments have a huge market. People collect them because they’re nicer than the ubiquitous plastic ones.
I am struggling with how much to share with clients. My mom has a terminal illness and I am just not “with it.” I am away from office 2 days/week and get behind on stuff – not so much real deadlines, but the “hey, what does X mean” not urgent questions are piling up. I am at a very small firm, I handle advice work – no litigation and very rare to have a transaction. I used to get back to everyone within 2-3 days and it is starting to be more like 2 weeks. And I don’t know whether to tell them because it sounds like an excuse. But I also do not see it getting better for a while. What would you do?
Tell them!! Why would you not?
I would tell them.
From the client side, a 2-3 week turnaround to simple questions means we would be parting ways soon. This kind of advice has a short shelf life in terms of utility; usually someone has asked me a question and I’m turning to outside counsel to save me a couple hours of figuring it out myself.
This. To keep your clients, I think you need to pull someone else in at your firm to help you out during this time. The explanation would go along with “meet so and so who’s going to jump in for me.”
+2. Remember that although people will be understanding as humans, as clients they still need answers.
Agreed.
Will taking a couple weeks off help you catch up on everything in life and reset better? I’d consider doing that, telling your clients that you are taking a couple weeks off to deal with your mom and her illness, and have a clear plan of who to ask questions to while you are out. That gets you breathing room and also gets the message out there.
There is no “catching up” when you’re dealing with this type of problem, sadly. OP, I think it’s OK to tell people. But also, you need a better backup plan, like a colleague who can triage questions as they come up.
1. tell them.
2. your firm needs a backup for you; while clients will be understanding on a personal level, they are also reaching out because they need a timely answer.
This. Tell people. People are wonderfully kind when they know you’re caring for a terminally ill parent.
But, clients still need their answers and responses, and others at your firm must step up to help or you’re going to have to start doing client work at night or early in the mornings or on weekends rather than not working for a couple of days a week – and you’ll only have the energy to do that for so long before you burn out.
This is a hard life stage for so many reasons, including balancing care and time with the family member with other obligations.
Tell them and find someone to cover/assist in your place.
I was an associate who was hired primarily to assist/cover while a partner was dealing with several family issues. (I did not know that when I was hired.) Every client I worked with was very understanding of the partner’s family issues and made it clear that they wanted to continue to work with him and trusted his judgment…. but they were very appreciative that I existed to move their cases along and send them updates.
Looking for advice on how to discourage when of my biggest office pet peeves. This pet peeve is when colleagues email with “Can you give me a call about X, when you have a chance?” “Let me know when you are available, and I’ll come over” (in reply to a prior email or conversation inviting the person to stop by on this particular date before X time). I really loathe these types of communications, especially from subordinates because they always put the responsibility back on me to coordinate the meeting time/make the call. What do you do to discourage this type of communication?
Reply “my calendar is up to date pls schedule some time”. Repeat repeat repeat
+1. I love “my calendar is up to date” when it’s really on the other person to handle the coordination. Some tout those “spontaneous drop-in conversations” as an argument for RTO; I often find them disruptive and of no more value than a “spontaneous Zoom conversation.”
This. Let them pick a time and do the work but also let them know it’s fine to schedule.
I would assume your colleagues recognize you are busy, need to connect with you, and don’t want to impose on your time without giving you context.
+1
As the person who said this— I realize for every one of me there’s someone who a) barely acknowledges they have a calendar (how?) or b) hates when people just schedule things without asking first. So while I am annoyed with the process, I realize it’s the junior figuring out communication styles.
If the senior person doesn’t prefer to follow default communication procedures (go ahead and send a calendar invitation for an actual meeting, ask for a quick call when it’s convenient for something that doesn’t have to be a meeting), it’s on her to let the junior person know what her preference is. OP’s staff are following normal office etiquette, so she is the AH here because she’s annoyed at them but won’t tell them what she actually wants.
This. They are doing the courtesy of working around your schedule. Here’s the flipside: My calendar is up to date. However, some meetings are more important than others. I would much rather tell the person, “choose a time this Friday or next week, my calendar is up to date” than for someone to just plop in without notice regarding something minor against the blocked time for something truly important or a morning I’ve reserved for a doctor visit where I’ll be hustling to return. Sometimes I’m open more than others depending on urgency/importance. I also know about things that are likely coming but haven’t fallen on my calendar yet. I’d give some grace knowing the individual is trying to figure out your preferences.
OP needs to use her words to tell people how they’d like to approach her. Most people are annoyed if you just drop by or call out of the blue, and if you schedule a meeting for something that could be a 5-minute chat. What people are currently doing is the conventionally polite approach.
*how she’d like them to approach her
I don’t get the problem – they’re making sure you are free to talk?
it’s funny how differently two people can view the same behavior! I prefer this kind of message so I can quickly look at my calendar, assess how urgent the thing is, and then pick an opening that’s least disruptive for me. The whole thing takes 10 seconds and then I tell the person “sure throw some time on for 2 tomorrow” instead of getting calendar-bombed.
100% me too. I would hate it if people just scheduled things on my calendar without asking.
Same, that would irritate me so much.
Fascinating- my company’s culture is that calendars are shared, any open calendar slots are ok to propose for anyone outside of the C suite.
Same. My calendar is up to date, sure, but it doesn’t block of travel time to/from meetings (huge issue with my calendar), or downtime I’m going to want to have between meetings. My absolute deepest professional pet peeve is when people just schedule stuff on my calendar without asking me my availability. My calendar is my calendar, not yours.
In most organizations that’s not how it works. You block off time on your calendar when you aren’t available, and if someone proposes a meeting at a time you don’t like you decline and propose an alternate time.
IDK where you’re getting “most” from. I don’t know anyone in my professional sphere that works this way. It’s something our 20-something analysts do until we correct them. Maybe it’s industry or niche by niche, but I don’t think it’s “most”.
Also, I’m available on my 3-hour drive to a client later this afternoon for internal calls, but I wouldn’t take a call from a client during that window because service may be spotty and I’m in the car which is never ideal for important calls. So, I’m not going to block off 3 hours as if I’m booked/unavailable because it’s just not true.
The ability to propose meeting times that fit others’ schedules is the reason why so many organizations use Outlook calendaring. I have never worked anywhere or heard of any employer where you weren’t required to keep your calendar up to date and to use the calendar, rather than e-mail, to schedule meetings.
Wait, are you not allowed to block off travel time or head down work time? Because that’s what everyone else is doing. For example, if I have more than 5 meetings slotted in a day, I block off the rest of the day so I can get work done.
(this was in response to Same @10:26)
This is so interesting to me. I actually hate it when people schedule 20 or 30 minutes (or endless email chains) for something that is a 5 minute phone call or conversation. Is it possible that’s what they are looking for and if they only want 5 minutes what do you want them to do?
This is really office specific. In our company, we have made this type of message the norm. Like had a meeting bullet point about it, down to the “call about X” – the including the topic was a key thing. The expectation is that it is eventually responded to, but doesn’t need an immediate response, so everyone could prioritize their workflow. We are spread out and everyone isn’t at desks all the time (lots of out of office/site meetings/etc.) and so shared calendars doesn’t really work for us for these types of small meetings.
However, that’s us and our workflow, yours is different. For your subordinates, specifically tell them that you want them to put the meeting on your calendar with a topic if that’s how you want them to handle it. Just like we had the meeting with the specific verbiage we wanted everyone to use, that’s what you need to do.
When I was a baby lawyer 20 years ago, the partner I was working for told me to either call him or walk down to see him if I needed something and not to email him. That was a clear communication that I worked with. Granted, these were the days when he had a paper calendar and was in the office 70+ hours per week so I could usually find him quite easily.
I think the solution here is use your words. Tell the people who work for you what you want.
+1 to your last two sentences! They might have worked for someone else with different preferences.
I’m so glad I don’t work for you! This seems totally innocuous and normal.
I find it annoying like OP. My workday is busy and it’s annoying to have something hanging over my head when I’m trying to focus. I use the “my calendar is up to date” line and people get the hint pretty quickly.
I lean on “my calendar is up to date”. If its a subordinate asking when I have a minute to talk about something, I am more flexible and just let them know when the next good time is.
FWIW I would assume “Give me a call when you have a chance” doesn’t require setting a time, it literally means just call them whenever you’re free.
Your subordinates might have been trained by people who thought themselves Too Important to spontaneously interact with their employees.
You fix this by telling them how to adapt to you. “My calendar is up to date; you can always drop a meeting on there. That saves both of us the extra time involved in the email step.”
Your second paragraph is the perfect script. If I was the OP who preferred this method, I would copy and paste that right now and send it to all of my subordinates.
At least in our office where it’s the norm to send these messages, it’s not that we see ourselves as too busy/important for spontaneous interactions, it’s that we are frequently interacting with clients (phone calls, site visits) or we are in the middle of huge projects/spreadsheets/programming projects where it’s disruptive to get constant spontaneous interruptions, and we don’t have calendars that detail every hour of our day. I realize that others use their calendars to designate that, but I think a lot of the variety of answers is due to different office processes and cultures.
If it is someone junior who does this repeatedly, I think it would be a kindness and well worth a moment of your time to tell them the back & forth is inefficient, while giving them specific instruction on how you prefer they handle things like this.
For instance, tell them you prefer they let you know they are scheduling 15 minutes with you at 2pm on Wednesday to discuss the remaining open items on Project ABC. Be explicit that they should check your calendar for availability before selecting a time. Remind them that while it is generally better to smooth the path rather than putting the onus on the other/senior party, they should not assume everyone operates the way you do and they should remain flexible.
I do not get why people don’t want to communicate with their subordinates. As a manager, it is literally your job to communicate with these people.
It’s not that they don’t want to communicate, it’s that they haven’t set the expectation of how they expect subordinates to manage them.
I’m a manager. My team all know I like them to stop in 10-12, email from 8pm to 8am and check if I’m free before interrupting 8-10 and 12-8. I also tell everyone upfront they are held to a firm standard and a good rating is earned based on execution. Dont book me into meetings for their own networking opportunities.
Um, that’s literally communicating.
I’m a VP. Most folks aren’t booking me into meetings for their own networking opportunities. You must be a real treat to work with.
Oh, you’re one of those “managing upwards” people who doesn’t really want to be a manager.
You sound like a real delight to work for.
Best place to buy a suit in DC in person today?
Should add, I don’t care if it’s a particularly nice suit, just need *a suit* by Wednesday am.
Pentagon City mall, it’s metro accessible. Macy’s, Nordstroms, J Crew, Ann Taylor.
Perfect. Thank you!
We’re going to Europe for Christmas and the best flights were on TAP so we have the option to layover in Lisbon for free. We’ll be in Europe for over a week already, so I don’t think I can talk my husband into more than 48 hours in Lisbon. Would you do it? The layover would be at the end of our trip, so we won’t be massively jet-lagged and will be able to make the most of our time. We’ve been to southern Portugal (Algarve) and enjoyed it, but not Lisbon. We’ll have our 8 year old kid with us. It would be in late December, between Christmas and New Year’s Eve, if that affects how much things will be open.
I would spend 48 hrs in Lisbon! (unless it cuts time off somewhere else you want to spend it on your trip). It’s a fun, atmospheric city just for walking around, get some pasteis de nata, ride a trolley. Great aquarium if your kid likes those!
Absolutely. It’s a gorgeous city with great architecture and shopping.
why not??
Lisbon is wonderful. You won’t be disappointed spending two days there.
Yes go to the tile museum and the Bertrand bookstore (Livraria Bertrand), which has a beautiful interior and has been operating since 1732. Walk around the hilly neighborhoods for good views.
How does Boss run? I’m thinking about buying the Fadrid dress for early spring/late fall and none of the reviews are helpful. I am a 0-2 in US brands, US 4 in The Fold. I am leaning toward a small, having never tried this brand before.
Last time I tried it it was similar to Theory.
So interesting, I’ve never in my life fit into anything from Theory but Boss fits great. I have broad shoulders, large bust, and not much of a rear. I think Theory must fit pears well, the measurements are all off for me.
No, Theory doesn’t fit pears well. At least not this pear.
Boss sizing tends to run consistent with European sizing. I’d do the small.
Any recommendations for a raincoat/windbreakers that come in plus size? I was just in my coat closet and realize this is a gap that will probably become a bigger need. I currently have a windbreaker style jacket that is the outer shell of a winter coat, but it doesn’t do great in the rain (and frankly, it was a hand me down I just never really liked). Is this a Lands’ End job? (I have a Lands End puffer coat that I love pulling out every winter – like my friends make fun of me for how much I love this coat).
On the more expensive side, but depending on your climate a Barbour Beadnell/Bedale could do the trick. It’s good for rainy/blustery weather.
Yes I have a Lands End raincoat that I love and they have plus sizes.
Columbia makes a solid number of options in plus.
I also like Eddie Bauer for this.
I bought the Eddie Bower Girl on the Go trench coat, after seeing it recommended several times in the comments on this site. It’s been a workhorse of a coat for me.
Lands End or LL Bean
I have a jacket from Rains that is perfect. I believe they go up to an XXL, and their size guide shows measurements for each item.
Columbia or REI both have nice offerings in extended sizes. I’m a fan of the REI house Coop brand personally.
Seconding Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go trench, but be aware that it’s cut kind of narrow in the shoulders and arms and you might want to size up if you plan to wear layers.
Not waterproof, but Eileen Fisher has a lightweight trench and windbreaker this season.
LL Bean also has outdoorsy plus-size jackets, but they’re generally not proportioned right for me. I have had pretty good luck buying LL Bean men’s rain jackets in Tall XL or XXL to get something thigh-length with more room in the shoulders. You can compare the chest and hip measurements to see if that might work for you.
Athleta has some plus sizes. I have a great rain coat I got from them.
Eddie Bauer is my go to. I wear XXL which fits like a Talbots 1x. They have plus sizes of 2x and 3x.
London Fog. Macys or Nordstrom usually have an option. Jcrew is also good. Last year I bought one from Abercrombie. (I like trenches a lot because I have a metal allergy to a lot of zippers)
Seeking book recs! I read Pineapple Street by Jenny Jackson yesterday and really enjoyed it so I’m looking for similar books. Funny, intelligent, character-driven, light but not “chick lit.”
The current literary landscape of poor quality romance and romantasy novels is bleak, to say the least.
Hello Beautiful
In lighter vein – Family Family, Very Bad Company and Bad Summer People.
Did NOT like Bad Summer People.
About families, The Latecomers and Margot’s Got Money Troubles
About friends, The Interestings and Together and Together
With a crime element, God of the Woods and Happiness Falls and maybe All the Colors of the Dark
Historical fiction, the Marriage Portrait and the Circle
I would also check out the Good Morning America book club list picks – Pineapple Street was one of them and they have a pretty similar vibe across their picks.
Also to be clear, not all of these are the most “light” (e.g., the ones with a crime element) but they are books that I group in my mind with Pineapple Street in terms of compelling characters
I thought The Latecomer was great and in a similar vein as Pineapple Street.
Maybe also Long Island Compromise.
Hated Long Island Compromise. Not saying don’t read it, just that reasonable minds may differ.
Ha! I definitely found the characters to be completely terrible people without exception, but loved the book!
I liked LIC (and The Latecomer) but I think both of those books are easier to appreciate if you’re culturally Jewish or grew up in a heavily Jewish community and get a lot of the “in” jokes. I kept thinking as I was reading them (especially) LIC, “man, non-Jews must be so confused.”
Harry’s Trees. Here is a snip from Goodreads—Harry’s Trees is an uplifting tale about love, loss, friendship, and redemption. Fans of Fredrik Backman’s A Man Called Ove and Gabrielle Zevin’s The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry will find in its relentless good humor a much-needed remedy for these fraught times.
These are my favorites from the past few years in the “funny, intelligent, character-driven, light but not “chick lit” category (my favorite, but hard to find).
– The Wedding People by Alison Espach.
– The Husbands by Holly Gramazio
– Margo’s Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe
– The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donaghue
– Unlikely Animals by Annie Hartnett
– Fleischman Is In Trouble by Taffy Brodesser-Akner
– The Nix by Nathan Hill
You get me: I loved The Rachel Incident and Fleischman is in Trouble
If you liked those, Friends and Strangers, Writers & Lovers, Good Material, All This Could Be Different
Have you read remarkably smart creatures? It was my favorite recent book.
Thank you all for the suggestions!
Olga Dies Dreaming!
I just finished Dream State (Oprah’s book club pick) and loved it.
+1 for The Latecomer.
I think Emma Straub, Taylor Jenkins-Reid and Curtis Sittenfeld are similar in style and theme to Pineapple st. I really dislike Ann Napolitano even though she gets compared to all these authors a lot, and writes multi-generational family dramas, which I normally love. I hated both Dear Edward and Hello Beautiful.
I don’t think of Taylor Jenkins-Reid as at all light.
Evelyn Hugo isn’t, but Carrie Soto and Malibu Rising are light in the kind of way Pineapple St is light – rich people problems.
I would recommend literally anything by Elinor Lipman.
For romance/romantasy, look at Rules for Ghosting – a young trans man’s romantic life is complicated because he sees ghosts. It’s actually very charming.
Isola by Allegra Goodman (Sam, Kaaterskill Falls)
Vicarious travel help needed. Would like to go away for a 3-4 day weekend in mid April from NYC with elementary age kids who are good walkers/travellers. They have spring break and we can’t get away for the whole time due to reasons, but would still like to make it feel fun for them and hopefully also give the grown ups a bit of a getaway. Prefer to drive rather than fly given the time constraints but open to any reasonable ideas. We were thinking to go to DC but not sure how fun that will be in the current climate. Trying not break the bank as we have a bigger trip planned for the summer. TIA!
Philadelphia might be a good option. A lot of history, walkable, museuams, good food, and easy train ride.
If you are doing Philadelphia or DC, the train is by far the best option.
DC is absolutely fantastic, the current climate shouldn’t impact the tourist experience too much. Spring break is the perfect time to come, we’re getting into our nice weather. You may have better luck staying in northern VA then taking the metro into DC for activities – Crystal City has many large hotels and walkable restaurants, as well as a Metro stop that’s convenient to Smithsonian, Archives, etc.
Coming here to say the same thing. We brought our kids to a hotel in northern VA and there was a metro stop two levels below the hotel lobby (sorry can’t remember what hotel this was). Was so perfect for our school -aged kids. We could easily get into DC and take in all the amazing stuff for kids there, then the hotel suite was a quick metro ride away when we were done. Highly recommend.
Sounds like maybe the Hyatt in Tysons. It’s attached to both the mall and a Silver Line stop. Prices are usually incredibly reasonable on weekends and I am pretty sure they comped the parking for us.
+1. If you otherwise want to go to DC, just do that. It will be fun still.
Agreed. I live in NoVA and was just in DC the weekend before last as a tourist. The experience was largely unchanged. We went to a show, some nice dinners, and a several museums. All went as normal.
Just keep an eye on whether the federal government is shut down or not — the Smithsonian Museums are excellent, and free, but they shut down when the U.S. government shuts down.
We enjoyed Boston and Concord with our elementary-aged kid. If your kids have read Little Women, the Louisa May Alcott house in Concord is amazing. We also did Walden Pond, the battlefield park in Concord (Minuteman?), the Freedom Trail, a duck tour, the swan boats on Boston Common, the science museum, and the Boston Tea Party museum.
Idk when your April break is but Boston’s is the week after Easter. The Boston marathon is also that Monday. Everything will be crowded and expensive up here that week!
Philly is great in April!
If that doesn’t appeal, at that age my family went to Colonial Williamsburg & Busch Gardens for a combo of history and kid fun.
I just took the train down to Baltimore with my 7 year old and he had a blast. Lots of historic boat tours, fun food, etc.
I need some perspective.
In my twenties, I experienced a traumatic event related to what I will call “Dangerous Hobby ” Over the 25 years since, I feel a trauma response whenever I am exposed to Dangerous Hobby. I try to minimize my exposure to it and I have always had a hard and fast rule that I would invest in a relationship with someone who engages in Dangerous Hobby, both because I don’t want to deal with the triggers and because I don’t want to have to think there is going to be another trauma to my person.
Fast forward and I am in a long-term relationship with a man. We are in our 40s, live separately, and have no kids or, obviously, plans to have kids. And this weekend he told me he is making material plans to take up Dangerous Hobby. I have expressed my rule to him previously and I guess he did not believe me. He says he feels like this hobby is important to him and something he’s always wanted to pursue. I love him and I do not think I would easily find a similarly fulfilling relationship easily, esp at my age. But my immediate reaction has been that I have to break up with him.
I am trying not to be rash or unreasonable and recognize that I may be in this scenario. Two questions: First, is it unreasonable to have a rule like this and actually carry through on it? Second: We are supposed to go back n a trip with his parents in three weeks, and this would be my first time meeting them. My immediate instinct is that I do not want to go when I am feeling uncertainty about our relationship. I have not resolved to break up, and I am sure won’t have made that decision before the trip, but I feel on very shaky ground and like it might be a bad time to meet his family. Thoughts?
Should read: “not invest in a relationship’
Is this something like skiing, which is common enough, or a more rare activity? Seems unusual that your boyfriend would stumble on it if its an uncommon hobby + you’ve said you’re against it unless its something very common.
It is not uncommon.
Why be cagey about what it is? Is it so common and ordinary that it’s not going to make you look good if we know? If that’s the case, that’s something to wrestle with.
Yes agreed it’s just annoying
Yeah, I can’t give advice in the abstract like this.
I agree. You would receive better advice if you people knew what the hobby is….
I assumed motorcycles.
I was thinking motorycles as well. Our mountainbiking.
You’re allowed to make any rules you want and the other person has the choice whether to respect it or not. Your partner was aware of the rule, but did he actually agree to respect it?
Without knowing the details of your incident or just how risky this activity is (there’s a huge difference between riding horses and climbing Everest), I’d probably not break up. I engage in several risky hobbies and they make me feel so alive and happy. There can be negative consequences, but don’t forget to weigh all the positives in the balance too. If this will bring your partner joy, it might even help you see the positives in it again.
Fair, though I cannot say I ever saw any positives in this that are not heavily outweighed by the risks. It has always been an unappealing activity to me, I just happened to be adjacent to it – never a participant, never would be.
You don’t have to understand it though. It’s about whether you are comfortable accepting it.
DH doesn’t understand why I like or do certain things and I cannot understand why he likes to winter trail run. It’s cold and wet. Like why??
Part of having in a partner is having things where you are like ‘well that makes no sense, good thing they’re cute’. Senior Attorney calls it ‘price of admission’ I think.
A term she got from Dan Savage ….. just sayin’
I think it would be a shame to just end the relationship over a normal hobby but you can do whatever you want.
How is this hobby important to him if he’s not currently doing it? And why is it more important to him than your relationship? But it’s hard to say whether you’re being unreasonable without knowing more details. If you live in Colorado and he wants to ski it’s less reasonable than an Ohio guy who wants to take up scuba diving or someone who wants to fly small planes.
Can you just say what it is?
This sounds like it could be motorcycle riding. A lot of men take it up as they approach retirement, but I can definitely see how being involved in an accident at a young age would instill some trepidation about being involved with a rider.
I can see not wanting to invest in the relationship if he is going to move forward with taking up the hobby. Would you have gone out with him if he had already been involved in the hobby when you met?
Okay I see this. I would be upset if my boyfriend took up motorcycle riding. It’s so unsafe!
But – he could properly reassure me if he showed he was taking appropriate safety methods, not being reckless etc. It would be the same if it was my sister or another family member.
if it IS motorcycles I get it. You can be the safest motorcyclist in the world but still lose in any accident, and the way people are driving lately it’s scary enough in a regular car.
This. And a helmet isn’t always enough.
No, I specifically would not have gone on a second date if this was something he was doing at the time. And I have not been unclear about the boundary, I just think he heard it as unreasonable and this as me not meaning it.
1. It is not unreasonable to break up with someone for any reason that feels reasonable to you. There are not objective standards around these things.
2. Feel free to pause on meeting the parents if you feel uncertain, but also: if you break up, he’s the one who’s going to have to deal with explaining it to them, you’ll just never see them again.
He believed you when you expressed your concerns about Dangerous Hobby; he just doesn’t care. If he didn’t tell you at the time that this was his lifelong dream, he is now manipulating you and trying to control you and assert his freedom “you can’t tell me what to do!” I am a firm believer that you cannot tell a man what to do and be happy in your relationship. All you can do is set a boundary: if you do X, I will break up with you. If he loves you enough, he’ll stop to keep you. If he doesn’t, he won’t, and you’re better off. But you’re never going to “convince” him to drop this hobby to keep you; you must act as if you don’t care whether he does or doesn’t, but that the reality is you won’t be in a relationship where this hobby is a part of it. How long have you been together?
Was your trauma event in relation to a specific form of the hobby? Like free climbing vs indoor rock climbing or resort skiing vs
Your boundary is a completely reasonable boundary to draw however it is also reasonable for him to decide that it is a deal breaker.
I would look at if there is space between what he is interested in and what you are comfortable with. Eg. DH and I agreed that after we had kids he would not solo winter sea kayak. He still occasionally seakayaks in winter with friends or solo in summer but he respects the boundary.
If you don’t feel he will respect boundaries, then now is the time to break up as it will not get easier break up and find a partner when you are older and your lives are more intertwined.
This seems like a reasonable balance and a good example for OP!
Your last paragraph is a misuse of the concept of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t about dictating other people’s behavior. They are about what behavior you will accept from others; you change your *own* behavior in response to theirs. Here, OP can decide to break up with the boyfriend if she does not approve of his hobby.
This is needlessly pedantic.
It’s not, though. The people who throw around the term “boundaries” and announce their “boundaries” to others are almost always self-involved jerks who are trying to control everyone else. People with real boundaries and self-respect just quietly do their thing without making demands of others.
You can have any rule/deal breaker you want about your relationships.
It sounds like this relationship is fulfilling overall to you – would it be worth scheduling some time to talk through with a therapist – both to help you make the decision between two things that are important to you (the rule & the relationship), and maybe to explore options for treating the trauma if you’re interested in that. For what it’s worth, awareness and understanding of trauma in adventure sports circles has increased a lot in the last 25 yrs, and you may find therapists and support groups that specialize in it, and just better resources overall now.
I think this is not surprising. There was presumably a reason that this dangerous hobby was appealing to you once upon a time, despite its risks, and so it’s not surprising that you’re still attracted to people that also find this hobby appealing.
I recognize that your traumatic experience has changed your feelings about the hobby, but it’s not clear how much you’ve really talked about that with him, which makes it unclear how much of a jerk he’s being. If it’s something you’ve talked about extensively, then I think this is probably a dealbreaker, as he’s clearly not taking your feelings into account. There are so many hobbies to pursue, he could find a slightly different one! But if it’s something that you hesitate to talk more about, just saying that you had a bad experience and haven’t really made clear how much it matters, then I’d try to have a better conversation about how much this matters to you before making any major decisions.
I never participated in this. It has always been specifically unappealing to me. I just happened to be there when things went very wrong.
this is going to be hard given the lack of information about the hobby itself. I promise if you say “skydiving” or whatever, there are enough people in the world who have gone or wanted to go skydiving that you will not out yourself. Heck my extremely meek HS teacher went skydiving. When we came back from spring break and she showed us the pictures we were all stunned.
Without knowing more details, yes I’d say it’s unreasonable. You’re letting your fear get in the way of a great life with a great guy. You really want to forego a lifetime of happiness with someone because of something that happened 25 years ago?
This. And the overuse of the term trauma makes me think it’s an overreaction.
Right. And if you have PTSD, I’d just say that mental illness isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility. I have PTSD and have gotten treatment for it. Things aren’t perfect, but I don’t think it’s reasonable for one adult to control the actions of another adult in this way.
If the hobby is causing you distress, then you should tell him. And you can have any boundary you want. But he also can have a boundary (not to be controlled by another person’s mental illness) and can engage anyway.
I’m not OP but I wouldn’t get into a relationship with a motorcycle rider, personally. I’m an actuary. I know the risks. I wouldn’t want to have children with a motorcycle rider. I wouldn’t want to end up widowed or in charge of care for someone permanently paralyzed from a very preventable outcome.
Why be secretive about Dangerous Hobby? no need to do so, as far as I can tell. I suggest counseling. Clearly, this has been very traumatic to you, and maybe you can bring that down a few levels. Breaking up over this seems like very black and white thinking, and like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Good relationships are hard to find, and breaking up over this does not seem necessary. Perhaps I don’t understand the situation fully, but a therapist will help you sort this out.
I think you need to separate your personal experience with the hobby from objective attributes of the hobby. Depending on the hobby, his very interest in it may make him unsuitable for a serious relationship. If the hobby is rock climbing or biking, I’d be wary of a guy who is interested because those sports have toxic bro cultures. If it’s a more extremely dangerous hobby like flying small planes or riding motorcycles, I would not enter a relationship because I want children and I would not want my children’s other parent engaging in such risky behavior.
So what if there will be no kids?
Have YOU been to therapy? Finding someone you want to be with is not something to throw away because you’re still shaken over something that happened 25 years ago.
My thoughts exactly. Therapy can help you deal with your trauma from this event.
That’s what I was thinking too.
What I’m gathering is that l, for example, your best friend died in a skiing or hang-gliding accident. Understandably, you see this as a horrible thing: the benefits of the hobby hardly outweigh this risk and you cannot handle the same **avoidable** tragedy twice.
My suggestion? Ask the boyfriend if he is willing to hold off for a few months, and seek out a specialist in trauma therapy. That might result in you ending the relationship because it’s a reasonable boundary; it might give you the tools to have a discussion with your boyfriend that isn’t rooted in massive anxiety; it might give you the tools to handle having him engage in this hobby.
One thing I don’t see other people noting is that you specifically told this person that you have A Thing around Dangerous Hobby, which he has not previously engaged in, and he suddenly decided to take it up, knowing it’s going to be an issue for you? And now this Dangerous Hobby — that he’s never even tried — is Important To Him? That bothers me a lot.
Eh, I doubt it’s a deliberate f you to the OP. Sometimes it takes time to actually start up a hobby. In your 40s, you’re generally still fit and you have more disposable income, which tends to open up options. But again, we need more information on what this hobby is to see if it’s actually reasonable and something he probably genuinely wanted.
This is the situation. And he apparently did do this at some point in the past very casually.
If you are as vague and confusing in your relationship as you are in posting here, it is easy to see why he might have been confused about your boundary.
Ha, no kidding!
Why not just say how your opinion varies based on the different activity and way? Is it different if it is skiing vs hang gliding vs flying small planes vs motorcycle riding vs horseback riding vs scuba diving? Why?
My opinion varies because then I can see the actual risk of the activity and how generally accepted/reviled it is. Actual risk and perceived risk are two different things, and what counts as a dangerous hobby for someone is a normal Tuesday at work for someone else. Additionally, if it really is a niche hobby it’s a much easier boundary to accept than if it’s something lots and lots of people do as a matter of course.
I see where the boyfriend is coming from. Since I was a little kid I’ve always dreamed of becoming a skier. If were single and in my 40s and finally had the money for it, I would totally take up skiing no matter what any boyfriend said about it.
I recommend addressing the trauma directly through therapy, regardless of whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not.
I can’t give more advice without knowing what the hobby is.
I know you don’t want to name the hobby, but if he’s taking it up and you are not, is there actually any risk of trauma to your person? Or do you mean more that it would be hard for you if something happened to him?
I also wonder, since you did participate in this hobby in the past, if enjoying it (when it goes well!!) is something the two of you have in common.
I’m 90% of the time not on team therapy, but if you could find a trauma informed therapist, it does sound to me like you’re finding this especially difficult to think through given the triggers surrounding it. I wish you could get to a better place with this so it’s not as hard.
Sorry, I wasn’t caught up that you were a witness and not a participant.
I wonder if something to think about is your general risk tolerance and how to navigate different levels of risk tolerance in a relationship? I can’t tell if you are uncomfortable with this hobby and all equally dangerous hobbies, or if you’d actually be fine with something riskier that you didn’t happen to have personal history with.
Is this something like you witnessed a horrible motorcycle accident and now your boyfriend, who knows you were traumatized by this, chooses to take up riding motorcycles? Because I’d consider ending that relationship. I’m not sure the hobby matters. Plenty of people will defend skiing but after visiting a friend after a particularly gruesome skiing injury I could see being traumatized by that.
Also, probably a tangent but my husband and I are also early 40s and talk a lot of about our health and fitness goals. One small, fixable, orthopedic injury a few years ago really created a lot of chaos for our family. Like obviously it would be horrible to be catastrophically injured but a non-catastrophic orthopedic injury is a problem for both partners as well. Obviously everyone needs to balance the risks and enjoyment of hobbies but I’d be really annoyed if my husband took up something risky at this life stage. Our health affects both of us right now.
This is a really good point. I know so many dudes in their 40s who have blown out knees and shoulders playing sports in a way that indicates they do not understand they’re not 22-year-old athletes anymore. Not saying that you can’t play anymore, but jeez, maybe back off a bit and don’t try to be a hero.
DH and I care greatly about being active well into retirement. That means we can’t act like jackasses in our athletic pursuits.
My former physical therapist, a moronic 20-something, did permanent damage to me by pushing me too hard. She heard me say that I’m middle aged and playing it safe as “an excuse to not push hard.” So she didn’t warn me of the risks of an activity to an injury I was healing from and just had me do it.
It isn’t cute or funny. It’s quite dangerous and will affect me for the rest of my life.
You can be a tough athlete in your 40s, provided you do all of those annoying warm ups, cross train, strength train, and relentlessly avoid injury or aggravating existing injuries. That involves caution and good judgement.
Yes, it is something very much like this. Someone I was starting to date died, others suffered major injuries.I was the uninvolved and uninjured person there to address it all in the moment
I can understand where you’re coming from, and it’s OK to have this line in the sand, OP.
This does sound like a lot of trauma, and I am sorry you are having to deal with the resurfaced emotions all over again all this time later.
It sounds like you need to decide whether your boyfriend’s pursuit of this hobby is indeed a dealbreaker for you. Are you interested in trying to come to terms with your past experience in a way that lets you accept his involvement? Does he know the reason behind your boundary in this area and still wants to pursue it? If so, are you willing to continue a relationship knowing his priorities about your strongly held beliefs?
I’m sorry that that happened to you. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in stepping back or ending things. Big hugs.
I have trouble saying that this is a “reasonable boundary” because of the caginess in identifying the hobby and exactly how risky it is. But trauma is trauma, and it’s not reasonable. That being said, anyone who tried to control my hobbies to that extent isn’t someone I could personally be in a relationship. I’m a big “dangerous hobby” person and recognize that a lot of activities that people consider risky are much safer than their regular commute to work. So if I was giving advice to your partner, I’d be telling him to dump you if you weren’t willing to budge.
I think there is a difference between being controlling and having previously expressed an issue as non-negotiable before. For example, I had an ex bf who told me we would break up if I went sky diving because he didn’t want a “dead gf” – we broke up, though not immediately, because he was a generally controlling and manipulative person. On the other hand, my husband has a snake phobia and was always very open about the fact that he is irrationally uncomfortable around snakes. I think if I came home and said I’m getting a pet snake because I suddenly really want one at the age of 40, he would be right to think I’m a giant a—h-le.
OP, you sound like you have some work to do on your issues that go beyond mere avoidance of hobby. But I find it troubling that your SO is so casually willing to disregard something important to you if you have expressed your position/trauma to him in the past. Without naming the hobby, I can’t tell you if you’re being unreasonable, but assuming it’s not something like getting on a commercial flight for travel, I would be concerned that someone needs to take up the one hobby that I had a big life changing traumatic experience with.
I wasn’t going to “tell” my husband he couldn’t ride a motorcycle. He’s an adult. But he knows I don’t like it. The life insurance is paid up. And if he gets gravely injured but doesn’t die, he knows he’s going to a nursing home because I have a job and 2 kids and won’t be able to retire if I have to start functioning as a solo parent.
This kind of where my head is at. If this is what he chooses to do, I may not break up with him, at least not now, but I may choose to avoid deepening the relationship and further intertwining our lives – no mutual finances, continue living separately, etc. That is what is driving my decision about meeting the family – I don’t want to be considered responsible for him and I don’t want to deepen this connection at this point. His mom can be the emergency contact and caregiver. And then maybe at some point the relationship fizzles out anyway because it is stagnant. But I also know this is not necessarily a rational approach, or a line I could actually abide for someone I love. I already take care of a family member out of obligation, absent any real love, so who am I kidding?
I think that if you won’t be able to deepen your relationship with him, you should end it if your end goal is a mutually fulfilling relationship and possibly children.
As everyone else has said, you get to have whatever deal breakers you want. This one sounds reasonable.
With this information, I would just end the relationship. Being half-in doesn’t sound like much fun in the long run.
Didn’t go meeting the family if you have big hesitations about the relationship. If he’s going to go through and regularly participate in Hobby, I would recommend you go to therapy about it or dump him, and didn’t take more than a couple months to decide.
A few things for you to think about:
One, how long term of a relationship is this that you haven’t met his parents? I think it’s relevant because I your approach could be different if you’ve been with someone for 10 years vs. a year.
Two, when you told him about your rule about this hobby, what did he say? Did he say “Oh I understand how you feel, I’ve never done that and never would” and he’s now going back on his word? Or did he say “I’ve always been interested in that hobby” or “a lot of my friends do that hobby” or “I used to do that hobby when I was younger” or something else that indicated his interest, and then you never talked about it again and you assumed he wouldn’t do it and he assumed you would figure it out if he wanted to do it?
And three, is this a hobby that he would do once a year or regularly? I’m thinking like someone who lives in the South and goes skiing once a year vs. someone who lives in Utah and skis every weekend from Nov-March. If he’s doing something 1-2x a year and he’s a long term partner, it may be worth working through it.
At least weekly, probably a lot more
Just break up then.
You witnessed someone you care about die and several others catastrophically injured doing this hobby. You’ve had a trauma response or actual PTSD since then whenever you have to think of this hobby. You told him, but he dismissed it, either because he didn’t care, didn’t believe you, or not doing this hobby is a dealbreaker for him. He now plans to do this hobby weekly. That to me is more concerning than whether I could handle weekly re-exposure. I wouldn’t travel to meet the parents when I’m trying to decide if this hobby and his attitude are dealbreakers for me.
And it took how many comments to pull this out? I get how dude probably doesn’t see what is going on for her and also that they have never had a full / candid convo.
I’m not entirely sure she told him the reason behind her rule, or that she has been clear with him how firm her rule is (at least not in a way that he should be able to see her declaration isn’t hyperbole).
Maybe she has, in which case I fully agree with you. But if she presented it as “oh, I could never date someone who does that!” and then changed the subject without ever telling him her history, he might be forgiven for not realizing how serious this is to her.
She was very clear in the OP that she told him about this and the trauma early on in the relationship. Idk why people are inventing vagueness in order to excuse this guy’s behavior.
Where was she clear? I see “I have expressed my rule to him previously” but no indication beyond that.
She was not clear at all. She just said she told him her rule. Who knows if he knows the reason behind it.
Just because I was vague on this board does not mean I was vague with him. He has known about the incident for most of our relationship.
Sounds like he is more into the hobby than he is into you, then.
I agree with this. If you haven’t told your boyfriend in explicit detail about your past with this trauma, then now is the time. But if you have and he’s choosing to do it any way, it’s time to break up. I’m sorry you went through and are going through this.
If he wants to ride motorcycles and you were the person who had to call emergency services after a fatal motorcycle accident, it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. You can’t change him and he can’t change you, and neither of you should try.
Context matters here but the most important thing is how you handle conflict as a couple. If he’s dismissive of your concerns and will do things anyway, he’s not a great partner for you. You can be objectively unreasonable and it can still be a dealbreaker. My husband I have a no private planes flown by weekend warriors or motorcycles rule. We came to it without any real debate and a shared risk tolerance level. And we work as a couple quite well because this is how our decision making tends to go.
What matters is that he didn’t believe you. Idk if I could be with someone who didn’t take me seriously. Who completely dismissed my fear because it’s invincible to him. If this hobby was so important to him then he would’ve been up front with you (and frankly taken it up earlier in life). I don’t think it is super important, I think he is digging in his heels because he doesn’t like being told no. That’s not a partner. That’s someone who wants a woman to be an accessory to his life. Are there other times that your life or preferences are inconvenient to him and he pushes back? Is this the first time you’ve seriously inconvenienced him?
It’s pretty unfathomable to me that someone could say, ie, I can’t be around surfing because my HS BFF got killed by a shark and I watched her bleed out on the sand, and they could be like yeah but that doesn’t apply to me. It’s so dismissive of your trauma. Why doesn’t he care about you enough to care about your fear for him?
Sorry “invincible” was supposed to be inconvenient.
I saw people die in a fatal car crash and was helpless. This is before cell phones. I just watched them die hoping help would arrive.
I drive a car. The EMTs who came see this every day. Cars could be a deal breaker, but they are in common use so I was right to get therapy and go into health care because that is where my calling came from. Trauma responses vary. I also think we do not get to tell adults what to do but we can share who we are and what made us this way. But we can’t eliminate risk and have to go forward and try to fix what is broken within us. If this is an acyivity someone can do weekly (swimming? Biking? Motorcycle?), all the more reason. Not necessarily for this guy but so that you don’t put up a fence so high as to be a prison for you.
It’s a questionable of how preventable the risk is and the degree of risk, though. Using a car isn’t avoidable for most people. Using a motorcycle is avoidable (and is much, much riskier).
I’m sorry to hear about your experience.
I think your boyfriend is insensitive, and that would absolutely be a dealbreaker. It is reasonable to have a rule like this, particularly if this hobby is a risky hobby.
I do agree with others that therapy and trying EMDR therapy might be something I would consider, if I was in your position.
Are any of you changing your means of savings or investments with the uncertainty in the economy? I have a small amount I would normally put in low fee index funds – say around $10,000 or $20,000. Now wondering if I am better off putting in a HYSA.
No, stocks are going on sale, and will likely be on sale for the next 2 years. Keep investing unless you need the money in a shorter time horizon, in which case, they shouldn’t be on the market.
No. If I had more money to invest right now I would! The best time to invest is when the market is down.
Why would it go up? We’re tariffing or threatening to tariff every major trading partner we have.
And we’ve killed armaments sales at the exact moment when other countries are upping their defense budgets. No one is going to buy our defense products same way they don’t buy from China or Russia.
If you think the market will never go up again you better just get some guns and stock up on pantry staples and wait for nuclear war. In other words, you’re bring delusional. I say this as someone who wishes unnamable things for the current president.
That escalated quickly. Anticipating rough times isn’t delusional and doesn’t have to involve nukes. There is plenty of historical precedent for long lasting rough times!
Not sure why you are jumping to nuclear issues. Europe just announced billions in new defence spending. They won’t continuing buying from the US it is an unreliable partner. Pulling out of NATO or being isolationist is one thing but doing it so quickly that the US looks chaotic and unreliable is not what other countries are looking for in a stable country to buy from. It’s like
Modi and India preferring to wait for domestic options vs buy F35s.
The hope for those of us who are decades out from retirement is that this administration will be short lived and the economic damage it us causing will be temporary enough that we will see recovery before we need our retirement funds.
Multiple countries boycotting US products is not going to be a short term thing. Especially once supply chains start changing.
You understand the market is bigger than just the US, right?
Depends on what the money is for. I’m holding on tight and continuing to invest according to my usual rate in my retirement accounts. But I am not putting more than that in the market at the moment because personally I think we are nowhere close to the bottom.
I’m not pulling my money out of the market, but am directing extra savings to a HYSA so the money will be more accessible. But I’m facing a possible layoff, and my husband is likely taking a substantial paycut for the next several years, so this decision is less about market uncertainty and more about needing more cash available to us in the next few years.
How likely is a layoff in your sector/industry? I have additional income that I normally put in my brokerage account, but have changed that to my HYSA. I understand the other posters talking about this being a good buying opportunity, but I want to increase my emergency fund since a layoff is more likely, for me, and the jobless time may be increased in this environment.
Same for me. I haven’t changed my retirement contributions yet, but I’m keeping my extra savings in my HYSA instead of moving them to my taxable brokerage account. Basically I’m trying to hedge this being a good time to buy with wanting the security of a little extra cash.
Same for me. I haven’t changed my retirement contributions yet, but I’m keeping my extra savings in my HYSA instead of moving them to my taxable brokerage account. Basically I’m trying to hedge this being a good time to buy with wanting the security of a little extra cash.
I’m continuing to invest on regular schedule, but the horizon for using the money is 20-30 years from now.
Depends on what your emergency fund looks like. My job is more unstable, so I want to save more in my emergency fund to get it to a year of unemployment. But if i already had that, I would still invest in the market
How likely are you to be laid off and need the money?
Has anyone found white or ivory work pants that are lined or material is heavy enough not to show every lump that doesn’t cost a crazy amount?
I can’t find any white or ivory work pants at all. Every time I see a blazer pictured with white pants they turn out to be jeans.
I have Kasper white lined pants.
I’ll probably get yelled at for “ugh so frumpy,” but Chico’s pants are great work pants.
Thanks, I’ll check them out.
Shockingly, Abercrombie. I just bought a couple of pairs of their wide leg pants and the white/light ones were lined. I bought a whole bunch of different styles and there were a couple in the bunch not lined, so just read the descriptions (esp the “materials” section where if it has a lining it will break that out separately). I grew up as a kid who didn’t fit into old Abercrombie, but their current flat front wide legs are the best fitting work pants I have.
The only thing I can think of is corduroys and that’s likely not what you’re after.
But maybe vintage? Generally one must size up a couple sizes (fit and sizing were different) but wool pants from, say, Evan Picone or Linda Allard Ellen Tracy circa the mid-late 90s were pretty high quality.
Is your office decorated? Mine isn’t and for some reason leads to male co-workers feeling the need to tell me my office is barren and looks like I just moved in. What’s it to them, really?
I don’t think this is an issue of men’s thinking that (only) women should decorate their offices. I think it’s an issue of women’s self-policing their comments more than men.
Disagree. Nesting at the office is more often seen as a female attribute. Just as unfair as having women typically head up the social teams and take notes in meetings. It’s not always that way nor in every office, but it’s an awful stereotype that’s hard to get away from sometimes. No guys have sweat the right aesthetically appealing water bottle.
What’s your office norm? Around mine, almost everyone has a few family pictures on a shelf, plus something like sports fan stuff, or art, or whatever. Someone who has nothing does look kind of unsettled & new!
Everyone in my office has something. Books, a family photo, a poster. We aren’t decorated to the nines but literally nothing at all would be very odd.
+1. Some people probably go overboard, but having nothing at all would make you look like either an intern or someone who doesn’t plan to stay for long.
Does it look so bare they think you are about to skip town? Can you “decorate” with work-related items?
Bringing in decor is not my practice but I do arrange my various industry publications, vendor tchotchkes, and office awards on the built-in shelves, and have basic desk supplies neatly at hand so my office looks lived-in. I have reference printouts and a small calendar taped up on my whiteboard. My phone charger and computer cables are tidy but not invisible. I usually bring in a few pieces of fruit on Mondays and have those arranged on my back credenza in a bowl from the office kitchen.
I have nothing in my office other than the furniture that was supplied and my work. The walls are bare. The bookshelves have the books on them that were here when I moved into this office. I have been with the same organization for over 17 years. I am good at my job and don’t care if it looks like I might skip town or leave. If management wants my office to have decor, they can have at it. But I work just fine in the blank space (and bonus, when I do retire in three years, I won’t have anything to pack).
Before I joined my current firm, I worked in open space. My current employer has small offices and I haven’t added ‘personal touch’ to the decor. I have empty bookshelves and an empty desk. It has no impact on my productivity and ICCL what others think.
I also don’t mind if people use my office while I am out of office, so the clean desktop makes it easier for people to set up.
Online dermatologist: I have used Apostrophe for the past two years for acne related to perimenopause. The results were fantastic. I had breakouts along my jawline that were horrid that are totally gone and my skin has never looked better. On Friday, Apostrophe announced that it is closing effective that day. As a result, I am on the hunt for a new online dermatologist that can continue my care. Any recommendations?
ah man, really? I hadn’t seen this. I used Apostrophe in the fall and really liked the experience.
I get a few prescriptions from NuRx, including tretinoin. No issues so far, competent customer service when I call about a question.
I also get tret from NuRX and have been happy.
I love Nurx – I get my BCP from them.
Curology.
I know this is not what you asked for, but I highly recommend seeing a derm for medical reasons/skin cancer checks and getting any RX through them. Otherwise, go with something like Nurx.
I thought about posting on moms but I’d welcome non-mom thoughts too. DH and I are putting together our baby shower registry. Is it in poor taste to ask for things for bigger/older babies, up to like 18M? DH was a huge newborn (13 lbs) and grew very quickly as a baby. It’s too soon to estimate LO’s expected birth weight but he’s already looking big. I’m concerned he’ll never be in newborn sizes and will be at 12M sizes at like the 6M point.
I have a bunch of 12-18M clothing and bedding options on the registry (and maybe one 24M jacket), but I don’t want to look like I’m asked everyone to provide for baby’s first two years. I don’t recall offhand if friends’ baby registries have done something similar, but I’ve heard from a LOT of friends that they wish they had asked for bigger baby stuff because their baby was never a NB size. We’re one of the better off families among our friends/family so I’m sensitive about seeming grabby. On the plus side, clothes are fairly inexpensive and I really like having a lot of ~$20 options on the registry.
I would stick to 6M to 12M clothing. Plenty of babies are in 6M clothing around 3 months, and parents are sometimes caught off guard when their baby hits a growth spurt and suddenly, nothing fits.
It’s still “baby” clothes, which people like to buy because it’s cute.
A normal sized baby would move to 6m clothes at 3m. The size is the top end of the range, so you generally have moved out of 6m clothes by 6m
Not tacky. Go ahead and congrats!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Most parents understand how quickly babies grow and will want to buy larger sizes anyway. Some registries allow comments and I think it’s fine to say something like, “Smith babies are chonkers!” or something silly if you’re very self conscious about it. You can also add newborn and mark as purchased so people know you have those items already. TBH, if you have a larger baby, they’ll likely start in the 0-3 month size, and then 6-12 months. It’s helpful to remember that the sizing is “up to,” so, “up to 3 months;” “up to 12 months.”
In my experience, people don’t add specific clothing to their registry. They ask for furniture, toys, and other similar items. For clothing, they will just have something in the intro that says something along the lines of – if you would like to buy clothing for baby lastname, we would appreciate specific type of things in size x or y. (E.g., Zipper pjs in size 6m). People who want to buy clothing want to pick it out. The people who don’t enjoy/want to pick out baby clothing will just get something else from the registry.
My concern about your plan is that you don’t know what size the baby will be in what season. Maybe your baby will only wear size 18m clothing in the winter (mine did) and any summer 18m clothing would be unused. Plus, you may get lots of hand me downs and not need that many new items.
I’ll say for my child, I put him in footed 100% cotton sleepers year round. Even in the summer, since we have AC.
the last registry I saw had diapers in different sizes. Iirc, it went up to 18m? I thought it was smart and I did buy those bigger diapers. Maybe a bit impersonal but in this case it was a work colleague. The whole point is for me to support the parents. If they have more tiny things than they can use then I don’t want to add to that.
no this is fine. It’s the people who only register for the $$$$ stuff that are seen as grabby.
I would maybe hold off on 24 month stuff, but that’s only because you might find that your preferences change or your kid doesn’t fit that size at the right time of year for a jacket (I had a super tiny baby and found it was hard to predict what size she would be in for each season so found it was easier to buy bathing suits, snowsuits, etc. closer to actually needing them). But as far as decorum goes, I think it’s totally fine!
This is good advice. The 24M jacket in question is a Carhartt and is listed because DH thinks his family will find it hilarious and will probably buy one (or more than one) for baby anyway. We wanted to specify a bigger size so they don’t get one that the baby will never fit into and also so we don’t get like 5 of them. If it’s hilariously large that’s ok, we just need a picture. DH also included a lumberjack style hat that may or may not fit baby at the right time of year, but it’s more for the lolz than anything (and again, so we don’t get 5).
Aw, that’s cute! Enjoy!
If you’re asking for 18 month clothes in lieu of newborn clothes, I see absolutely no problems with it. I’d see it as an issue of quantity; excessively large registries can be difficult to shop through and can come off as entitled/greedy/out of touch. That’s my cultural background though.
P.S. I put a note on my registry that hand-me-downs or previously used items were appreciated and it allowed some of my friends who had already had kids to contribute lots of clothes without spending any money, which was much more mutually beneficial than them buying one $15 outfit.
Really good point about hand me downs, my registry allows me to toggle that option too so I will definitely take advantage.
The other weird thing to request is if you have any friends that have babies a few months ahead of you, are any unused partial packs/loose diapers. It’s so common to need to go up a size when you’ve already opened a big pack. Some people will fully finish each box, but I personally can’t stand blowouts and always had loose diapers in the smaller size. I’d give those to my friend with a baby a couple months behind me.
You can also just kind of put the word out, especially if you are having a shower – let the host know to tell people; tell your female relatives to spread the word with family, etc. So much baby gear has a really short lifespan, like less than 6 months, but is absolutely sanity-saving for that 6 month period.
I also applaud your inclusion of things that will make you laugh; early parenthood requires lots of laughs. And honestly, one of the absolute best rattles we had was a gag gift shaped like a tiny dumbbell. It was really light and easy to grab, and made a satisfying sound. I think it was the Fred Buff Baby dumbbell. My husband was into competitive weightlifting pre-baby.
All of my kids were born too big for newborn clothes (9.14-10.2lbs, and everyone was surprised at those numbers! I can’t imagine a 13lb newborn!!! Fwiw though they’ll likely just be long-mine were!) . Depends when you are due but I would specify season and size. Eg if you are due in May, ask for fall clothes in 6-12 months or 12 month. If you just ask for 6-12 months you’ll get winter clothes.
Baby clothes are so ubiquitous as a gift that I suspect you could skip register for any clothing items and would still end up fully stocked for the first year or two.
I don’t have kids, but I wouldn’t blink at this. The only reason I wouldn’t give stuff for older or bigger kids is because I would be concerned my friends didn’t want to store stuff. But if you think you’ll store and use the stuff for bigger kids, I’d be more than happy to buy that for you.
The only thing I hate about registries is when everything is super expensive. If we are part of a friend group where many of us can go in on an expensive gift, then that works out well. But otherwise, I prefer less expensive and more items, including those that may not be used for many months.
I don’t think it is weird, especially for bigger-ticket items like a snowsuit or coat. I definitely agree with skipping NB sizes; my 9 lb baby never wore them. Baby clothes are also easy to get used; I registered for none of them as I was able to get so many used clothes for free.
My 4 1/2 month old is in 18 mo clothing…I’m so grateful most of the shower clothes we received were 6 or 12 mos!
My 14 month old still has a lot of 9 month clothing in rotation! I hardly registered for any newborn items based on the logic that none of my siblings fit newborn clothes when we were born and had to borrow some from a friend for the first two months.
If you do ask for larger sizes/buy ahead, I would focus mostly on pajamas. My 3 kids all were in 24mo at 12 months old – so it’s really hard to predict seasonal items (eg, coats, summer wear, etc).
I would not ask for clothing above the 6m size. First, you don’t know what season it will be when baby hits a certain size. Second, very young babies wear different sorts of clothing than older babies. If you have a big baby who is wearing 6m clothing at 3 months, you will want a lot of onesies and footed PJs in that size, but probably not pants or dresses or overalls. If your baby is little and is “behind” in terms of sizes, you will want more “grown-up” clothing in smaller sizes. And you can’t really predict how big your baby will be or how fast it will grow.
I think its pretty common to ask for a range of sizes? Multiple baby registries have those. It’s because babies grow quickly and you may need a larger size before you’ve thought to buy more. Perfectly expected.
Not poor taste, and very smart imo!
We never purchased any NB stuff and have no regrets. Our baby was pretty big (8 lbs) and fit the 0-3M stuff pretty well at birth.
I wouldn’t register for clothes. I find that people tend to add clothing items to their registry gifts regardless of whether you registered for the clothes. Focus your registry on non-clothing items and include items you’ll need for 18 months olds too. Perhaps add a note that hand-me-downs are appreciated or something to that effect. Clothes are easy enough to pick up on clearance racks in person, in multipacks at Target/Amazon/etc, or even as large batches/bins on FB marketplace or your local buy nothing group. You also don’t know your preferences for clothing yet (zippers, buttons, two-way closure, material, etc) so I wouldn’t bother registering for any clothes.
cross posting from mom’s site, Does anyone know if you have a United credit that says travel by September 1, 2025 and I book a new flight that would involve travel by that date, but then cancel the new flight, do i get a new credit with a new expiration date or it reverts back to the original credit? (Twin B got sick and she and I had to miss our family ski trip over spring break this week. This is the 4th trip in a row when a kiddo has been sick!)
You should call United. They have been really flexible with me with cancellations, transferring credits etc. but you need to talk to an agent rather than try doing it online.
This is a great question for United customer service.
Where should I go to get color matched for foundation? I’ve always struggled with finding a foundation that doesn’t look too light or cakey. I went to Sephora over the weekend, where I was told I need an appointment with one of the MUAs who work for a particular line. I thought the benefit of Sephora is there’s many different lines to choose from? If I have to pick a line to schedule an appointment, what’s the benefit of that v. a beauty counter at a department store?
I have never had a problem getting a sales associate at Sephora to help with foundation matching over multiple brands as a walk-in. I usually end up with a different brand than the one I was originally looking at. I would go to a different store and/or at an off-peak time.
Sephora keeps track of your try ons too. And the color you matched to.
Sephora has a foundation sampler (“Sephora Favorites
Complexion Try-On Sample Bag With Redeemable Voucher”) that might be helpful. It’s all of $10.
I did this at Ulta recently, and the associate was very helpful.
Caveat: I was a self-described total beginner at make up so they were able to sell me multiple products to make the time spent helping me worth it for them financially.
+1 Ulta will do this – I recently did it with a specific type of foundation I wanted (a stick).
When I was looking for liquid foundation a long time ago, I had it done at Sephora, so I think that’s strange they tried to pass you off like this.
Huh. When I look at my sephora store’s online scheduler for makeup services, I can make an appointment for things ranging from “feature focus” ($30/30 min) to “ultimate glam” ($90/90 min). None of these are brand-specific. Maybe you could book a feature focus appointment for this? They say the feature you want to focus on can be complexion. Not sure if different stores work differently.
You shouldn’t need a paid appointment for foundation matching. At my Sephora they do it for free without an appointment.
Personally I’d go to Nordstrom for thus. Their makeup counters are staffed with more experienced people who have training from the brands. I’d hop from one brand to another and see what you find.
This is really different from the experience I had at Sephora recently. I went in randomly and asked a sales associate to help me pick a new tinted moisturizer. She took a close up picture of my skin, asked me some questions about my preferences, and the computer gave us a few options that would work best for my skin type and color, which we picked from. I thought it was fantastic. Maybe try again at a different time?
DH and I recently finished watching all 6 seasons of Lost. Before that we watched all 6 seasons of Madam Secretary. What should we watch next? Looking for a show with a lot of seasons and episodes that we can watch for a long time. (We tried Succession and the Walking Dead and neither was to our taste — no likable characters in the first and too much gross-out/stress factor in the second.) TIA!
Diplomat is great and we start watching the Americans after we finished Diplomat.
Parks & Rec if you are interested in something lighter.
I liked Madam Secretary a lot, and DH never became interested and didn’t watch. DH really liked Parks & Rec and I thought it was super dumb. He liked The Office and I thought it was eh but watched so we could do it together. So far, the only shows we both have enjoyed are Big Bang Theory and Friends; neither of us liked Seinfeld.
I also liked Scandal and Downton Abbey. I haven’t tried The Diplomat, but will.
The Americans
Veep
Scandal (ridiculous but fun)
The Diplomat (but it’s only two seasons so far)
The Sopranos (maybe too dark?)
Scandal is so underrated. I think its own marketing might have been misleading since whenever I saw ads for it, it didn’t seem appealing!
I watched Scandal looking for another political drama after the West Wing and from that perspective it was super disappointing.
I can’t tell what your genre preferences are beyond likeable characters, not too stressful or gross, lots of seasons, and the fact that you watched Lost. White Collar has likeable characters almost as the premise of the show, but it’s at least partly a procedural. Same for Person of Interest, though there’s also plenty of overarching plot; I like that it actually ends. Maybe Superman and Lois which just ended to good reviews?
If you like Lost, you might like Silo or Andor. If you’re OK with zombies, The Last of Us is excellent but lots of likeable people die all the time, so YMMV. The Mandalorian is sweet.
Veep? Mad Men? Grey’s Anatomy for a truly infinite viewing experience?
The West Wing!!! On my 3rd rewatch.
Have you watched Schitts Creek? It’s cheesy wholesome Canadiana with a lot of character development.
The Americans if you can handle the analogies to modern day.
The Good Wife/The Good Fight (I like the latter better, but there’s a whole trove of episodes in the Good Wife)
It’s a different vibe, but Elsbeth is a spinoff off of The Good Wife/The Good Fight and I enjoy it. It’s actually kind of neat how the universe has elevated the vibe.
We do this. Currently we’re in the middle of JAG.
Law and Order forever, I wish that the middle seasons were available to stream somewhere. We also loved Parks and Rec, Schitts Creek. All of Seinfeld. Cheers, then Frasier.
Kevin Can F Himself is a newer-ish less known one but the style was so impactful; both my husband and I were captivated by it. Maybe 3 seasons, I think, so not endless, but it’s done and worth watching.
I keep coming here to recommend Lilyhammer – it is SO great. Also if you don’t mind cozy British mysteries there are many seasons of Midsomer Murders – they are quite formulaic but also soothing. If you want streamers on youtube I can recommend TrekTrendy – a charming young British guy travelling the world sometimes with his parents and/or his partner. He has a ton of videos.
I vote for the Americans.
The Americans
Homeland
Yellowstone! I may never be able to finish it because I only watch it on Delta flights and the episodes are *long*. But there are five seasons and the characters are all multi-dimensional.
I dont get the earlier post. EMTs drive cars. People get PTSD and get help for that, not demand that the world change to suit them.
I would bet a lot of EMTs and ER doctors do not ride motorcycles or allow their kids to have a trampoline.
My FIL was an EMT for years, and also an insurance agent. Was absolutely a hard no on both, especially motorcycles. He saw way too much.
Yes, motorcycles, trampolines, and traveling carnival rides were all out for my FIL’s family after he spent just a few years processing insurance claims.
I have family who still do motorcycles, and there are a lot of funerals. It’s just how it is.
I’m in insurance and a lot 100% no on motorcycles. You do you, but I’m not getting into a relationship with someone who rides one.
My partner is a first responder they all have crazy trauma regarding motorcycles. Driving a vehicle is very different from driving a motorcycle. Seeing your colleague in bits on the side of the road isn’t something you just get over.
This. My FIL eventually left small-town EMT work because the trauma became too much. He knew these people personally. And motorcycle accidents were ALWAYS mentioned specifically. They are especially gruesome.
Same with PI attorneys esp those who handle TBI cases.
There’s a difference between an issue with everyday driving (unreasonable) and an issue with a hobby that is inordinately risky (reasonable even without trauma). We don’t know what the hobby is, though, so it’s hard to say whether OP is justified in taking a hard line. And even if she’s not justified, she doesn’t have to date a guy who doesn’t meet her preferences.
I mean, my first response was, well, you can lose this guy by breaking up with him, or you can take the risk that you might lose him through his high-risk hobby; breaking up with him isn’t exactly protecting you from the pain of his loss. OTOH, I would absolutely have a fit if my husband took up smoking or motorcycle riding, and I can understand wanting your partner to TRY to minimize risks to their life. Figuring out what a reasonable risk to accept is seems highly individual, regardless of one’s history of trauma and PTSD.
A breakup early on is much less of a loss.
Unfortunately many commenters believe in 100% autonomy and that it’s a-okay to smoke behind your partner’s back.
OP wasn’t demanding that the world change to suit them. That’s probably why you don’t get it. Also, for many people driving cars isn’t optional. Whatever hobby was at issue in that post is. Hope that clears it up for you!
Yes. If this is a very risky hobby where people commonly don’t survive, which is what it seems like, then her trauma isn’t really even relevant to the decision. I wouldn’t date or marry someone who was so cavalier about risk and I’ve never witnessed that type of accident.
But she’s not “demanding the world change” she’s asking her boyfriend, the person she’s closest to in the world, to not *voluntarily* put himself at risk and her at risk of being traumatized all over again for a hobby.
This sounds to me like stirring the pot, frankly, but driving a car is not what one would describe as a hobby, let alone [known] Dangerous Hobby.
Do I think she should get therapy? Sure. But it’s not unreasonable that she specifically said “hey, I have an issue with this one hobby” for her to then be upset and rattled that all of a sudden oop he’s got a burning need to do X hobby. I’m side-eyeing the BF pretty hard right now, frankly.
Getting married in November. My mom and aunts want to throw a bridal shower. I didn’t particularly want one, I don’t really want to sit there and open gifts. My mom says its “tradition” so I should just do it.
Our families are scattered all over the country and there isn’t a great location to do it. The aunts who want to do it are in the metro area around where I grew up and I offered to have it one weekend in June (I was already going to be there that weekend for other reasons), but my mom says that’s too early and too close to July 4th. I live a 2.5 hour flight (or a 10 hour drive) away and don’t want to to go there again this year. I think if that doesn’t work for them then they can all come to where I live, which apparently they don’t want to do either. My mom is apparently very disappointed that I don’t want to do it and thinks I’m being unreasonable. Help? Advice?
I think you have offered them a reasonable option and they’ve declined, so you are off the hook.
Nah, your mom is being the unreasonable one. This isn’t even a celebration you want, but you were willing to compromise, and apparently that’s not good enough for her.
(Sidenote, but some of these wedding traditions really need to die out now that people are getting married after they’ve already established households, moved far away, etc.)
My therapist would say that you are not responsible for other adults’ feelings when you’ve acted kindly and reasonably. You’re being reasonable, here. I’d say let mom and aunts be mad.
+1000. This isn’t an event you really want and you offered to accomodate them in a reasonable way. They can do it on the weekend you proposed when you’re in town or be mad if they choose to be. Showers are not requirements and traditions are not mandates.
I got married in my mid-30s after buying and furnishing a house. I didn’t have a shower. More than 10 years later, I don’t regret it.
Do your aunts or other principal attendees care about the date? If it’s just your mom’s opinion but she can actually come, I think you can say this is what works best for you.
As far as the shower itself, I really disliked the gift opening part of my own, and in hindsight would have had a display shower with just brunch and a non-embarrassing game or two.
What does too close to 4th of july mean? Over the years I have been to bridal showers on 4th of july weekend so how is a weekend weeks out, too close?
Too close to people taking vacations over July 4th. My parents are going on vacation that week and say its would be too much travel within a couple weeks if the shower was the weekend I proposed.
None of the shower guests should be expected to travel at all for the shower. Even if you invite out-of-towners out of courtesy, you only expect the local people to attend.
Yes I 100% don’t expect anyone to travel for this. My parents and me are the only family that would be going that don’t still live in that area. My 2 maids of honor also live in the area, everyone else in the bridal party would have to travel (and I also don’t expect them to come).
So it’s really that your parents don’t want to travel two weekends in a row. That’s their problem, not yours.
If you end up with a shower, perhaps you can have a display shower so you don’t have to unwrap in front of everyone.
One of my good friends really didn’t want a bridal shower, and her compromise with her mom was they had a party but everyone brought the gifts unwrapped, and so there was no sit and watch her unwrap all the presents. It turned out really nicely. The bride took time to recognize and chat with everyone, and wrote really nice thank you cards as well. Everyone put everything on a table, and oohed and awed over the gifts. They put something like this in the invitation so it was very clear – google for “display shower insert cards”.
I’m going to go against the crowd here and say that a shower isn’t about you – a shower is for Great Aunt Jane to give you the gravy boat you didn’t want because it brings her joy. It’s for your friends and family to celebrate you. Lots of things are about you – your dress, flowers, location, etc, but a shower is about the friends and family. And yes, you can totally do a display shower so it’s less awkward.
I might agree if this was local to the bride. It’s a 2.5 hour flight away, though, and she’s already offered the date she’s in town. If it means so much to Aunt Gloria to give the gravy boat in person, she can do the traveling.
Giving people gifts they don’t want is so selfish.
If Great Aunt Jane cannot express her support and affection to her niece in literally any other way, then having or not having that one bridal shower isn’t going to make a significant difference in their relationship.
This is very dependent on your relationship with your mom and aunts. As others have mentioned, you have offered reasonable options, you’re under no further obligation. However, if you wanted to extend additional kindness (this really is more for your mom than it is for you), could you do some kind of shower in November when you will be in town for the wedding? Some dedicated time for them to fuss over you and shower you with love?
Anyone else see the WSJ piece on Gloria Allred? If all or even mostly true, I can’t say I’m shocked, despite having never put a moment’s thought in to this woman before reading this article and seeing her name in the headlines over the years.
I’ve had a few interactions with her over many years (I should say, not as a client, I don’t have any personal insight from that perspective) and I’m not shocked. It’s also consistent with how she comes off in She Said.
I mean, there is a certain personality type that goes after media coverage the way she does.
“Successful woman you’ve heard of is actually a mean lady in real life” is such a trope. Do you ever see articles like this about successful men.
Um, isn’t that all the headlines these days?
Low stakes question: does anyone here swim regularly but also have colored (and lightened) hair? I want to get back into swimming but this is what holds me back! I have long hair and I spend quite a bit on the color. It is lightened and red and I know that fades fast at the best of times. Will swimming wreck my hair color and the health of my hair? I know I can get a swim cap – is there one that is better than another? Are there any other mitigation factors or is this just a trade off? Thanks!
Wet your hair under the swim cap. It will absorb less pool water if already saturated.
Wet it with non pool water first.
I would not plan for any kind of swim cap to keep your hair dry.
Thoroughly wet your hair in the shower, put on the cap. In theory, this should saturate your hair with clean water (so that it is not soaking up chlorinated water). You will see some recommendations to apply hair conditioner as well, but this is rude in my POV as the conditioner would be seeping into the pool water.
I would recommend to wash your hair right after the swim with a gentle shampoo to wash out the chlorine (I use a basic Head & Shoulders, EU version). Then I apply a good dose of Redken Acid Bond Conditioner, pull on my hoodie, leave the pool and wash it out at home. The citric acid helps to prevent water minerals to coat your hair.
You are rightly expecting the red colour to fade faster, but the regime above should help you protect the colour (and health of your hair) for a bit longer. Give it one month to observe and talk to your hairdresser. I swim 2-3x week and my hair is in great condition.
I use basic Arena/Speedo cap. No cap will keep your hair dry.
In my opinion, you don’t need special pool-range shampoo/conditioner. They are usually based on citric acid, which is in Redken as well (plus it has amodimethicone which repairs hair damage).
I have highlights and I have a pool at home. I rinse off immediately after getting out of the pool and wash my hair with conditioner only.
my hair is highlighted and was dyed in the past, I and I swim regularly (at least twice a week). like others have said: wet thoroughly in the shower before you swim, wear a swim cap, and shower with anti-chlorine shampoo and conditioner immediately afterward. I’ve always used UltraSwim, but I’m sure there are others.
I don’t need to touch up my hair color any more often than I would without swimming, it’s fine. I specifically asked my stylist about swimming when I first got my hair colored, too, and she said it shouldn’t be an issue as long as I wash my hair promptly after getting out of the pool.
Thanks to everyone for the great advice!