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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This pink tweed blazer from Ann Taylor is really calling out to my Elle Woods-inspired heart. With a color this bold, I try to keep everything else in my outfit neutral, so I’d probably wear this with a navy or gray sheath, but if you really want to lean into it, this Ann Taylor flare dress (on sale for $75.99) would be AMAZING.
The blazer is $179 full price at Ann Taylor and comes in straight sizes 0–14 and 00–16 in petites.
For something at a lower price, try this blazer at Macy's ($33.99 with code) — or for plus sizes, this button-front sweater at Torrid ($89.90) or this Talbots blazer (on sale for $169.99).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sara
My finances could benefit from more strict budgeting and a no-spend period. (Buying groceries is ok, buying takeaway and new clothes not so much.) I have trouble with the concept of keeping up with the joneses sometimes. Anyone successfully do something like this for a while, or transition into less spending?
Anonymous
It sounds like you have a lot of things going on. I’ll name the things I’m seeing, in case it’s helpful for you as you make plans. You’re talking about:
• tracking where your money is going.
• deciding how much you want to spend for areas like takeout and clothing, and using self-control to say “not now” to purchases over that amount.
• coming up with a practical plan to cook more at home, spend less, and do something other than shopping for fun/entertainment.
• realigning your values. You’ve been living as if what’s important to the Jones is what’s important to you. Now you need to figure out what’s actually important to you and align your decisions to those values.
Anon
My best advice is to track relentlessly. I find the software annoying, so I just make an excel template that works for me. After a few months I get a better sense of what I can spend on and where to cut.
go for it
The jones do not pay your bills. I lived that life for a while, and it mostly made me feel less than.
I use a spending plan which is a mental reframe from the harsh/deprived (to me) feel of a budget; ie, I have $100 for groceries this week , how do I plan to spend it (feels expansive) vs I only have $100 for groceries this week and must make it work (feels contracted).
I do a no spend (except coffee 1/2 & 1/2) on groceries the last week of the month and never feel deprived.
I have learned to accumulate monthly in categories for clothing, travel, etc. Not using shopping as a social thing has improved the quality of my life immensely. Now I plan social stuff in parks, hike, long walks, etc.
You can do this!
Anon
I’ve found that shopping begets more shopping. Avoid online shopping for a period, because when I fill one cart I end up “browsing” other sites and placing more orders. Get your necessities at the grocery store and stay out of brick and mortar stores, too, unless you really need something specific. Once I am out of the habit I don’t feel the compelling need to have new things as strongly.
pink nails
I experience this a lot too! Especially with internet shopping; I’ll have a month where I have way too many packages and then I won’t buy anything online for quite a while because I hate impulse to obsessively track my orders. If you can make it through a couple weeks of not buying things, it gets easier after you are out of the habit.
Anon
Delete your social media, install an ad blocker, and otherwise remove from your life anything that reminds you that there are new things in stores. I can go months with not wanting to buy anything, but then I walk into a store and suddenly I want All The Things.
If you spend a lot of time online looking at influencers or window shopping, find something else to do with that time. Organize you closet — you probably have great clothes in there that you forgot about. If you started out with a (non-shopping) hobby and then dropped it, try it again (with the supplies/equipment you already have). Invite friends over for a potluck, or wine and cheese night at your home or a wine and cheese picnic.
As for food — if you find it hard to plan out all your meals a week at a time (especially if you live alone), consider buying groceries for only 2-3 days at time and going more often. Don’t go back to the store until you’ve used up what you bought last time. Before going grocery shopping, come up with some ideas to use up random things sitting in the back of your pantry, freezer, or fridge. See how long you can go between shopping trips (but don’t deny yourself fresh fruit and veggies!).
Anon
Oh and also — it can be a fun challenge to see how many days in a week you can go without spending any money (paying bills doesn’t count). It really makes you aware how often we spend without thinking.
Anonymous
+1 to shopping your closet. Put together a list of items you really need, as in so you can actually leave the house, and commit to only buying something on the list. That gets me to focus.
Anonymous
Out of sight out of mind really works for me. Unsubscribe from all retailer emails so you aren’t tempted by sales, etc. Cut back on social media to block out both targeted ads and exposure to “the Joneses.”
pink nails
+1 to cutting back on social media, especially unfollowing influencer accounts that have a lot of shopping links. I’ve also trained my ads at different times to show me less products by searching/clicking on experiences type links – like national park posts or whatever kind of vacations you like. you can’t impulse buy vacations and hiking in national parks quite so much :D
Anon 2.0
It helped me to unsubscribe from all the emails. I am much more inclined to spend when I get an email with a coupon code or notification of a great sale.
Anon for this
I do this essentially two months at the start of every year, bc I re-qualify for my airline status based partially on affiliated card spend. If I’ve already hit the top tier, there’s no real benefit to buy anything discretionary until the next year’s qualifying period starts. I make a running list of “things to buy in March” and then when March rolls around, if I’m still interested, then I go for it. Would a game like that help you?
Anon
Which airline gives you status for cc spend? Mine doesn’t. (United)
Gail the Goldfish
Not OP, but Delta lets you earn I think up to half of the $ you need to qualify for status through credit card spend.
Is it Friday yet?
United does if you have one of the Chase cards. You still have to fly a certain number of segments, but cc spend gets you PQPs.
Anon
I do have one of the United Chase cards. No status.
Is it Friday yet?
To make it to Silver (5000 PQP) on card spend alone you need the Infinite Club card and to spend $100k (it’s 25 PQP per $500 spent) – and you need to fly at least four paid segments with United. I would assume you do not have status because you are not flying/spending enough, and if you have an Explorer card the cap is only 1000 PQP a year.
Anon for this
American – spend on their branded cards counts as ‘real’ Loyalty Points, not just miles
Senior Attorney
One thing that has helped me is to shop as much as I want during the week, but only allow myself to click “buy” on the weekend. Nine times out of ten, by the time Saturday rolls around I’ve forgotten what’s in my cart. And yes, for sure unsubscribe to all those marketing emails.
Anon
Yes, I love to shop, add to cart and then realize I’d rather save the money for my future rather than another dress.
Anon
I do this too. It used to be a 24 hour rule, back in the days of brick-and-mortar shopping; now it’s more like a one week rule. If I care enough to find it a week from now, I really want it.
Anon
Just a suggestion but are there any people in your life contributing to your feelings of needing to keep up with the Jones’s? I had a friend who was always concerned with keeping up with the Jones’s. She made about 3x what I make and constantly bragged about her lifestyle to the point of telling me how much she spent on her shoes. We are no longer friends and I’m much much happier!
Anonymous
I put myself on an Amazon shopping embargo, as this was one of my clear weak-points.
I identify one day a month that I will make purchases on Amazon – this is a good balance on stopping the impulse purchases while still keeping some convenience.
For all my purchases over $100 or anything on Amazon, I write out a list called “Things I might Buy Someday”.
By making myself wait a few days to a few weeks, there are quite a few things that I simply don’t ever wind up buying.
Vicky Austin
Yep. People try no-buy weeks or no-spend days all the time. (I actually see it all over Instagram in addition to the influencers posting shopping links!)
When I want to buckle down and stick to my budget, I like to go through closets and drawers and storage bins. Invariably I find a bunch of clothes I could wear and have forgotten, or ingredients I need to use, or hobbies I bought supplies for and forgot about…whatever. It helps to get stuff back in front of your eyes and bring it back up to the top of your mind.
I also like to scratch the shopping itch without shopping. I do this by checking out books from the library (digitally or physically), or saving/pinning things to my heart’s content. I especially love to favorite stuff on Poshmark or add things to my wishlist on Better World Books.
Anon
Yes, I am in the process of recovering from a shopping addiction. Despite making a very large six figure salary, I had accumulated credit card debt. I found my shopping was mostly fueled by boredom and social medial (Instagram). I deleted Instagram entirely 6 months ago and haven’t looked back (I also don’t use any other social media except for Facebook occasionally). As others have said, out of sight, out of mind. I feel so free not constantly thinking about what I am going to buy, browsing things to buy on my phone, tracking packages and returns, etc. I basically bought almost nothing for 6 months (except for stuff for my kids, household items, food, necessities, etc). Now, my impulse to shop is so much less and I track my finances much more closely. $300 for a new dress used to seem like nothing and now I hem and haw over spending $90 on new gym sneakers (which I sort of need).
Anon318
I may need to job hunt in the next few months for the first time in 15+ years. What do I need to know about best practices as I update my resume? I appreciate any tips, tricks, or encouragement for the process!
Anon
It’s not about your resume, it’s about who you know. Put the word out to your network that you’re looking.
Cat
+1, but also-
-include city & state only, not full address, and email address
-tailor it to the job. It shouldn’t be a recital of all your responsibilities. Focus on what you did at prior jobs that seems relevant to the opening.
-I think intro statements about yourself are a waste of time unless you’re trying to make an unusual career move. For the most part a resume is self explanatory as to why you’re interested.
Anon
Use a gmail address, not aol or msn or hotmail, etc.
Leave off your home address, especially if you are looking at roles where you might want to work remotely. None of the resumes I’ve received recently include home addresses. No need for a landline phone number either.
I job searched successfully in my 50s and I didn’t take the advice to leave off early experience, dates of graduation, etc. The early experience was relevant, and the hiring managers could have figured out my age without it too. YMMV.
As a hiring manager, I’m mainly focused on resume content and I don’t care at all about formatting or keeping it to one page. If 2 pages are needed, go for it.
Anonymous
While I agree no address definitely do include city so companies know you’re local.
anon
agree with all. additionally i try to read the description and then use the buzz words in my resume and cover letter. I read two suggestions which i haven’t done but think are interesting: 1) on a blank second page cut and paste the job posting. put it in white letters so it is not visible to naked eye. submit. if they’re screening with a computer program your resume will get picked up but if a human is looking it just looks like a blank page; 2) take the job posting, put it in chat GPT and say “what are the 5 most important skills for this job?” and then use the language in your cover letter.
anon
As someone who hires, I would rather have a resume that’s a couple of pages long than try to read 10-point font that’s crammed onto a page. I actually do read cover letters (it’s the first writing sample!), and I am amazed by how many people use generic language that means nothing. Think about your message, and tell me, clearly and concisely, why this position is a potential fit for both of us.
I would also make sure your resume design looks current and up-to-date. Not that you need an Etsy-inspired design, but do consider whether the typefaces look like something you’d see in current publications. The details can change a lot over 15+ years.
Depending on how you have to submit your materials, do try to include some key words from the job posting somewhere in your resume, cover letter, or both.
Anonymous
I agree on the importance of the cover letter. In my experience on search committees, the correlation between well-written cover letters that show a real understanding of the position and the hiring organization and successful hires who last has been very strong. So many cover letters are just terrible that a strong one stands out a whole lot.
anon
Yes, exactly.
anonshmanon
this, so much! If your cover letter repeats the stuff from your resume and concludes ‘and those skills make me the perfect candidate for your opening’, then you just wasted an important opportunity to convince me. Connect the dots, tell me how you believe your skill from that previous job relates to the skill needed for my opening. This conveys whether you have understood the job description.
Tell me how you were always excited about a certain type of task that you hope to do more of in my opening. This conveys whether you have really thought about yourself in this job and whether it’s a good enough fit that I won’t have to rehire in 12 months.
Provide some context for resume items such as ‘I was especially proud to achieve that team success amidst the pandemic suddenly switching everyone’s work mode’. This uses the cover letter to go beyond the resume and tell me what it might be like to work with you, the person.
Bette
Counter point. Am a 40 something in a high corporate role, have never written a cover letter. I also never bother to read them if sent to me as part of the hiring process.
I am not in low or communications.
Anonymous
Use a resume template. There are oodles of services and it will ensure you don’t have to enter or fix info manually after electronic submission. Don’t use an objective statement—use a summary instead. Try to quantify achievements. Recognize that not all roles need equal treatment—tighten or highlight according to the role. Make several versions based on skills (for example, marketing vs SEO strategist vs writer). You’ll have the same background but what you highlight will vary to align most closely with the position.
NaoNao
A couple interview tips:
The best question “What differentiates someone merely good or acceptable from someone knocking it out of the park in this role?”
A “sideways” culture question that I’ve found really helpful “What type of person thrives here and what type tends to struggle?”
A key question “What is the one non-negotiable trait, skill, background, or experience for this role?” What they tell you there will allow you to position yourself most effectively to the hiring manager or leadership if you continue in the “rounds”.
For the resume:
A really effective formula I’ve come across is: impact – method – context. Meaning lead with the numbers–money saved, money gained especially but any numbers you can come up with. Then how you did it–honestly getting niche with tools, software, skills, etc can only help here. Don’t use abbreviations or proprietary internal software names but things like “used Tableau and R” or “Used Storyline and Captivate” really help your resume stand out. Context is key: how many people used your training? How many people read your blog? If you moved the needle on customer scores, is this the first time in 10 years, or some other key aspect of the “win”.
Vicky Austin
Those are great questions!
I also like to ask some variant of “What do you envision the learning curve for this role being like, and how long will it take to feel comfortable?”
Anonymous
For interviews, I found the STAR technique really helpful. Other tips are to create an organizational system for yourself where you track dates of submittal and interviews, job descriptions, notes from interviews, etc. so they are easy to reference since it can start to feel like a blur. Respectfully, I would stay away from questioning them about learning curves–that can unnecessarily position you like someone expecting to struggle.
Other advice is to treat your LI profile as just as important as your resume since it may be the first place seen by recruiters, folks on hiring teams who aren’t the primary hiring, future colleagues, etc. Also, post regularly. A candidate who looks tuned into the industry is more appealing, especially since you may be encountering some age bias.
Peaches
You’ve gotten really good advice on resumes. As far as cover letters and interviews – people like stories. Think about your career and your accomplishments and develop narratives about your successes and your lessons learned. And prep for the inevitable “tell me about yourself” question.
Rachel
Check the blog Ask A Manager, read the comments, and search the archives. Much wisdom there. She also has books and a free downloadable guide to preparing for interviews.
Anonymous
What do you all think of caftan type dresses? Whenever I see a woman wearing one I think she looks fabulous. But I wanted to see what y’all think. Are they too much 1980s Elizabeth Taylor?
Anon
I think they’re fun for a random playground day or running errands day. I can’t transition them to the office or “going out”
Anon
I love them and aspire to be a caftan lady.
I have one that’s open in front that I often wear with jeans and always get a billion compliments.
Neighbor
1980s Elizabeth Taylor is hashtag goals
1970s Mrs. Roper on Threes Company is a Glamour Don’t
Anonymous
I think they only work for a very specific body type/aesthetic with a very specific lifestyle.
Anon
I love the look on others. I am quite short and quite round and fear looking like a Christmas ornament.
pink nails
Caftans are my aspirational 40-50-60s wardrobe goals. I’m very much looking forward to them. I don’t ascribe them as “old” as much as wise and mature and cool af. In my 30s they still feel like a costume.
NaoNao
I think they have to be either genuine vintage or very, very pricey to look good. I love them and think they’re a terrific solution for ultra-hot days or days when you feel less confident but want to look fabulous. But don’t get ones from Zuilly or something. :P
Anon
I think Emerson Fry has cute ones but I have yet to take the plunge.
Anon
To get comfortable in the silhouette, you have to give up the idea that everything you wear needs to be “figure flattering.” The beauty of a caftan is flowing fabric. It’s something to get used to.
Ages ago on a family trip to Hawaii, I unfortunately got sunburned and the clothing I had brought along was uncomfortable to wear. I bought a muumuu and learned the beauty of wearing something flowy and skin covering in hot weather.
Anonymous
I am a solid no, not into the 70s housewife look.
Anonymous
I’m pro, with caveats. They have to be just right to look good and in my experience that means pricey. I wear them on the weekends and after work. I’m 46 and pear shaped. I don’t think I would have worn them in my 20s because they would have looked incongruous on someone so young.
Anonymous
I wish I could wear them but I feel like I’m too busty and would just look like I’m wearing a muumuu.
Anon
Muumuus and caftans aren’t that different.
Anan
I hd a boss once who wore a beautiful grey silk caftan to a semi formal event and she looked amazing. She had her hair cut in this super sharp bob in a shade of silver to match. Now that my body does not look or fit comfortably in anything with a defined waistline, I aspire to my former boss’s sense of easy style. Every time I have to get dressed up now, I think, “Am I old enough to pull off a grey silk caftan?”
Anonymous
Interesting discussion that brought back memories. In the early 80s my mother used to wear something called a “duster” that was like a bathrobe, and it had pockets and a collar, and zipped all the way up instead of having a belt. She only wore that at home. My grandmother wore something she called a “house dress”, and it was a lot like a muumuu, in polyester and loud floral prints.
Anon
I’m an old and my grandmother wore them, typically between getting up in the morning and getting dressed for the day, or when she cleaned. She was a big believer in a cooked breakfast, and I have fond memories of staying with the grandparents when I was a child and sitting in the pine-paneled, black and white checkerboard floor kitchen at a Formica table, watching her cook bacon, eggs, grits, and toast while dressed in her house dress and slippers.
Anon
I think you need to be 70+ to wear one. Otherwise, it’s basically a beach coverup. I have never seen a caftan look fabulous on anyone. It’s basically what my grandmother wore as a house dress.
Anonymous
I think it’s one of those things that if they fit your personality/lifestyle then they’re easy. I have a vintage one but I don’t wear it a ton. My friend wears them a lot in the summer. But you can’t force it in a traditional office really.
Anon
I need a new pair of flats for work and having a hard time finding anything. It seems like the current style is either rounded or square toe, and covering a lot of your foot. I would be happy with that for a casual look, but my office is very conservative (men & women are in suits most days of the week), and I just can’t imagine those looking good with formal workwear. Would love some suggestions if anyone has any!
Anonymous
Boden and Kate spade both had some cute options recently, I’d check there. Kate Spade had fun colored perforated leather flats and Boden’s cap toe flats looked nice!
Anonymous
Look at Cole Haan and Geox and Naturalizer (Havana). C. Paravano look brilliant but I can’t get a read on quality.
Anon
I literally was about to post this. The Cole Haan Viola Skimmer looks great.
Anon
Eeek! These look like costumey witch shoes to me. As a large-of-foot tall person, these are not fore me.
Anon
Talbots has nice pointed toe loafers
anon
+1 for Talbots. They have very cute flats at the moment that manage to be both fun and classic/conservative.
go for it
Patent leather loafers. Mine are from Studio C and have a lowish lug sole. I wear with suits, dresses, or on the weekend with jeans making them a triple winner.
Anon
LKBennett has some options if you are feeling spendy and don’t have a duck foot. There are a few non-ballet flat options in the flats, and my personal pick would be the Blakely pump if you can stand a one inch block heel.
https://www.lkbennett.com/search/?text=Blakely
Flats Only
I just got a pair of Clarks Ubree square toe flats in a dark blue-grey patent leather. They have a very low (1/2 inch), interesting heel, and are almost too formal looking for my biz-casual office. I love them. The cover what I feel is a normal amount of my foot, without extreme toe cleavage, but also without being those weird ones that come way up (and look so strange to my eye).
Anonymous
I purchased the Ballet Loafer from Tory Burch last year. Rave reviews. Lots of compliments in my formal office.
Anonymous
+1 these look great
Traveler
+1
Was going to suggest this. I recently bought a pair in a blush pink and have been astounded on how versatile they are, and comfortable.
Anonymous
Ann Taylor has surprisingly good shoes.
Anonymous
are Rothy’s out? Their new knotted points look nice.
Anon
Still love my Rothy’s. I think their very rounded old style is out, but the pointed ones are classic.
Anonymous
Does anyone have recommendations for shoe brands designed for high arches? I’ll ask my podiatrist but not sure he’ll have the most stylish picks….
Neighbor
Earthies and Naturalizers
Clark’s
You may want to get an orthotic that you can take out and put into the shoe of your choice
Anon
Aetrex
Vionic
And Vionic and Dr. Scholl’s have 3/4 insoles for plantar fasciatis that are just what you need. You can add arch support to any shoes where there’s room for your foot to go up.
Anonymous
Idk if Dansko is for high arches but my XP 2.0 is my most comfortable stand-around in shoe.
Moose
I wear Vionic Kensley loafers to work and they’re great
Anon
Abeo metatarsal
Anon
Advice for traveling with a SO who has IBS or some other GI issue (needs to go to a doctor once we get back)? Prior trips were to the beach in a house or pre-COVID. For a city trip in a hotel, I find myself sympathetic but irritated at having to hover near the hotel after every meal and miss out on a lot of what was envisioned for this trip.
Anon
Reframe expectations (for both of you)?
I don’t have experience with this, but I do have a SO who likes more downtime than I do when we travel (sleeping in, coming back mid-day to nap, etc). Our compromise is that we figure out the things we want to do together, and then I have free reign to go off and do other things not on that list while he is asleep. Because me sitting around the hotel room getting bored and irritated would benefit neither of us.
Also – again not having experience with this – I’m almost certain your SO is more bothered by this than you are. It is not a fun way to go through life.
Anon
+1. Count yourself lucky if the worst you feel is “irritated.” I’d try to be a little more understanding here. This is a problem for your partner’s health, not the efficiency of the trip.
Anonymous
As someone who also gets very irritated that my partner has failed to manage his health, and that failure leads to consequences for me, I get it. And I would have been inclined to just take a different trip or a solo trip and reorganize this one for when he’s figured out how to fix whatever is going on. But in this case, since it sounds like you are committed, I think a combination of resetting expectations, prioritizing the things that are most important to you (and I mean you), and figuring out if there are small outings/shopping/whatever you can do while he is lingering at the hotel is the way to go. Good luck! I hope this resolves soon for both of you.
Anonymous
They might need to hover. You don’t. Carry on with your day. Museums have toilets, parks in Europe have toilets, so do cafes. There are options that aren’t hotel. I mean hotel lobbies have public toilets.
Anon
Why can’t you do the things you planned to do while SO stays back at hotel?
Anonymous
This. They can catch up.
Anon
My ex had a similar issue. I understand your frustration. But yeah, I ended up doing some things on my own and once I accepted that, there was a wonderful freedom to it.
Anon
+1. You can only control yourself. It’s also best to acknowledge that even if the spouse had already seen a doctor and done everything on earth to try to resolve this, there could still be no resolution. G.I. stuff is very tricky, persistent, and miserable and it’s no one’s choice to live that way.
Senior Attorney
I’d do this. Go off and do your thing and meet up for dinner.
Anon
Absolutely see a gastroenterologist but in the meantime take imodium preventatively while traveling. An hour before your first meal of the day then another dose an hour before dinner. 3 tablets each time should do it. My GI says you shouldn’t go above 8 per day. Generic brands work just as well as name brand, but if your SO is lactose intolerant look at the inactive ingredients- you might need gel capsules or a generic brand without lactose. Avoid hot liquids (tea, coffee, soup), spicy foods, high fiber meals (whole grains, beans and legumes, cruciferous vegetables), high lactose foods (ricotta, ice cream, burrata, milk, cream sauces) or anything too fatty. Acute anxiety is an IBS trigger so intentionally plan your itinerary with meals in mind. After lunch go shopping somewhere with public restrooms instead of going straight to a boat ride or show. If your SO is worried after meals that can actually cause gastric distress
anon
This. I am the person who tends to get IBS issues while traveling, even though I don’t normally have a bad case of it. It’s a combination of being out of my routine, some travel anxiety, and eating differently than I normally do, like going longer between meals. I’ve become INSISTENT about carrying safe snacks with me at all times. My DH could fast all day and be fine. Me? Getting a very empty stomach and then filling up on vacation food led to a very unfortunate incident in an H&M in Las Vegas. There are some foods I avoid altogether when I travel because sometimes it’s fine, and sometimes it’s very much not fine. Immodium is my friend and I take it pre-emptively.
Neighbor
This happened to my parents and after that trip my mom had her gallbladder out
My dad was bored a lot during the trip but patient
Anonymous
Is this the right time for this type of trip? Can an appointment be moved up or the trip moved later? Following colon cancer surgery I had similar symptoms and it took working with a nutritionist and a special liquid diet to help ease inflammation. IBD has some meds but they need time to work. All your husband can do is try to avoid any triggers. Stress makes things worse. If you’re forcing him to be somewhere where he doesn’t know where there will be a bathroom yet alone a bathroom with privacy it’s likely to make things much worse. Maybe this isn’t the right trip for both of you. Or maybe you need to just accept that it’s not going to be a sightseeing trip while he’s sick.
Anon
My husband gets sick EVERY TIME we travel. There’s always 1-3 days that he can’t leave the hotel. I was really sad about it the first couple of times it happened, but now I keep a few things in my back pocket of things I would like to do without him (like browse used bookstores for 2 hours instead of 20 minutes), and also speak with him ahead of time about what sights he would be ok with missing — and then I go and do those things.
anon
This used to be my husband, until he acknowledged that his anxiety manifests itself physically. Once he put the words to it, we haven’t had an incident since then. Also, to the OP, really research dietary options for him that are “safe” foods. The Fairmont in SF is two blocks away from a Trader Joes if it easier to just have him eat “purse snacks” (instead of new foods) most of the trip.
Vicky Austin
I really need my husband to make that same acknowledgement, sigh.
Anonymous
It’s not always anxiety. There is some sort of additive in a lot of restaurant food, mostly chain restaurant food, that sends both my husband and me running to the bathroom. Once we stopped eating at chain restaurants we have almost never had these issues.
Vicky Austin
I know what I’m about when it comes to my husband, but thank you for the fun fact.
S
Dear Vicky, You are not the only one reading this blog. No need to be so snippy to someone trying to be helpful.
Anon for this
One of my colleagues let slip that this is one of the reasons that cruises work for his family. Bathrooms are plentiful on ships but the point of the trip is hanging around the ‘hotel’, so it works out for them.
Anonymous
He should time his eating to when it would be less disruptive. If he’s a breakfast person, he can have an early breakfast while you’re getting ready for the day. Skip lunch in favor of a late afternoon snack as you’re heading back to the hotel to change for the evening. Have a late dinner that ends the day.
Plan bathroom accessibility ahead of time. If you’re in a city then there is a bathroom available pretty much everywhere. It might give him more confidence to have a game plan, though. If he doesn’t like to use public restrooms then he needs to get over it for a few days; I feel him but sorry. He can also look into places that have solo bathrooms.
Anonymous
I would plan to eat only once or twice a day. Breakfast early and then a second meal at a time based on your plans, ideally after.
VVex
I have celiac and colitis, and I would be gutted if I thought my husband were irritated with me because of my symptoms spoiling his fun. The choice might easily be hover in the hotel room vs. catastrophic accident in a public place. The person who said that parks and museums have bathrooms have no idea how urgent and embarrassing these conditions can be.
That said: Your partner needs to get to a GI doctor–stat. If not a GI doctor, a PCP or even urgent care can help. There are prescription medications that are more effective than immodium. One is dicyclomine. It’s a rough med, but it stops all issues for eight hours, which makes it a lifesaver for long flights and travel. Also be aware that immodium is pretty harmless in the great scheme of things and can be taken in much larger doses than recommended. Many people with IBS/IBD take up to 24 individual pills (12 double doses) per 24 hours–or even more, my doctor said.
Your partner really needs a full medical workup. Treatments vary for different GI conditions. Some can be treated with steroids and are much more manageable than IBS. Some (like celiac) might only respond to a special diet.
Anon
I wouldn’t be annoyed about the GI issues – I’d be annoyed my partner has a health issue so significant that it impacts vacations, and he hasn’t been to the doctor about trying to treat/improve it…
I have GI issues, too. But have managed it my whole adult life with diet and lifestyle (and at times medications) so that it doesn’t interfere with living and minimizes impact on my family.
Anonie
UM nice for you but not everyone has such easily resolved GI issues. I had have many doctors appointments with different specialists and many procedures (including a colonoscopy and more recently 2 surgeries) and mine are still not resolved. Such an unsympathetic attitude.
(Not in response to the OP but to this commenter.)
OP, my husband is probably on your side of this equation. Will give some thoughts on a few tips that have worked for us (although none are perfect) and post in a later thread this week or early next. So sorry you and he have to deal with this.
Anonymous
I just went on a trip with frequent GI issues — I had Immodium in my purse, took Pepcid at night, wished I’d brought Metamucil cookies or Metamucil gummies (they really slow down/help diarrhea). I’d probably get liquids like Pepto or Gavascon after arriving.
However bad it is for you, trust me it’s worse for them.
Anonymous
This. And realize that all these tips still may not work. If the gut is inflamed, it’s not something you can just Imodium your way out of like otherwise healthy people do.
Anonymous
Dealing with stuff like this is part of aging together. Be supportive of what he needs; the next chapter may bring something where you need support.
Anon
Are you on this trip now, or planning this trip?
Anon
Get a nice hotel and split off from time to time to do things on your own.
Anon
Do you have IBS? If not I don’t see any reason for you to hang around the hotel waiting for bathroom moments. I’m sure your husband would rather be in the bathroom by himself.
Go on, do your thing. Be independent.
But don’t be mad at your husband over a medical situation outside of his control.
You don’t have to be joined at the hip.
Anon
Long shot because it’s been so dead here lately, but any California residents know of any good guides for your legal obligations to your neighbors when gardening or planting trees? My parents are in a dispute with an annoying nosy neighbor who keeps insisting that they have all these obligations and it’s hard to tell what is BS (clearly some of it is) and what might be law in terms of distance from the fence line, fire safety, etc. Anyone have any ideas for where they could look for an online guide?
Anon
Easy solution: your parents can ask them to cite the town or city code with their provisions. Don’t do other people’s research for them. “Until you can present me with the actual text of the Code that supports what you are saying, this conversation is over.” Follow through on the conversation being over: walk away. When she brings it up later, put your hand up, stop her, and say “Do you have the actual law that supports your beliefs?” If she does anything but “California code subsection 2(h),” walk away.
I am an attorney and have zero patience with “but you have to do this thing that I pulled out of my butt!” Cite a source or STFU.
Also consider what the remedy actually is. If the plants over grow the limits, your parents aren’t going to get arrested. Maybe a person from city hall will come out and inspect the area and tell your parents to prune the bushes or whatever needs to be done.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. Also maybe talk to somebody at their City Hall and find out what the local tree ordinances are. I’d be surprised if they didn’t have a handout or something for homeowners.
Anon
All the links are broken on the county site, but yes, definitely looking this up!
Anon
Most CA fire laws are pretty local and depend on your fire risk, but it’s probably a good idea to take this seriously. Nosy neighbor may be annoying, but this is definitely a case where I would be far more concerned with making sure my house (and the neighbors’ houses) were safe than complying with the letter of the law. Fires are no joke and the law hasn’t really kept up with the risk in most places. Insurance is such a disaster here now that they’re probably going to be the ones to force the issue.
Anon
Of course it’s important to take it seriously, but this neighbor is saying things like “you can’t plant a tree within 20 feet of my house” and I don’t think that’s actually law or reasonable.
Anon
The Santa Barbara County rules for high risk zones are at least 10-15 ft from any structure or any other vegetation. So depending on what else is present, that might actually be completely reasonable.
https://sbcfire.com/defensible-space-program/
Anon
Unfortunately a lot of the links are broken on the website for their county (San Mateo), but that’s exactly the kind of thing I mean – the neighbor says 20 out of thin air when even high-risk zones in other areas say just 10-15.
Anon
But keep in mind that it’s 10 to 15 feet from any part of the tree to any other vegetation or any structure, including a fence, and trees grow, sometimes a lot. So if they planted a tree 20 feet from her house, I can understand the concern, even if the legal limit is 15. I guess this depends on the kind of tree and how much it’s likely to grow, but having seen a number of fast moving fires, this just isn’t a place where I’d want to quibble on the legalese. I want my house to survive a fire, and that’s more likely to happen if my neighbor’s house doesn’t get ignited by my tree!
Anon
How big is the expected canopy of the mature tree? They may be well within their rights to say that. See all the fire comments below. San Mateo county is definitely definitely in in the high risk area.
Please encourage your parents to be good neighbors rather than feeding them your unfounded outrage.
Anonan
If I was in a high fire threat district I sure wouldn’t plant a tree 20ft from my house and I would be pretty pissed if my neighbors did. The canopy will get well within the danger zone within a few years.
Anon
But as long as it meets applicable regulations, you wouldn’t have the right to demand changes.
Anon
@12:02 that’s a pretty ssshole attitude.
Anon
How is it being a jerk of any kind to make sure your landscaping falls within applicable regulations? That’s the very definition of being a good citizen.
Anon
Pushing right up against the boundaries does not make you a model citizen trying their best to contribute meaningfully to society. Don’t be obtuse.
Anon
Wow, I can’t agree with that way of thinking. Saying something that meets regulations is “against the boundaries” doesn’t actually make any sense. If someone is supposed to start their work shift at 9:00 sharp and they start at 8:59, that’s fully in compliance – but it sounds like you’d give them a dressing-down. When would it ever be enough for you?
Anon
Since you insist on being obtuse, I am glad you are neither my neighbor nor my pedantic coworker who runs into our 9am meeting with coat on, keys in hand, and not a clue.
Anon
I’m not obtuse. I just disagree with you. I fundamentally do not believe that people who are following the regulations in good faith are effectively *ssholes for not anticipating, planning for, and meeting a busybody’s preferences. I believe that neighbors must acknowledge that other neighbors may make different legal choices. That is okay.
Anon
Whelp, this discussion is straight out of Office Space and the 15 pieces of flair….
Anon
“In good faith” doesn’t mean finding out that the rule is 20 feet, then planting it at 19 feet 11 inches. That may be legal, but you are only convincing yourself by making that out to be the “very definition of being a good citizen,” particularly with something so high stakes as CA fire country hazards.
anonshmanon
Aiming a bit higher than the bar of ‘don’t violate the rules’ is not just the right thing to do, it’s also the smart thing to do. OP, you specifically mentioned planting trees. And it’s been made abundantly clear that you could be in compliance today by planting a tree 15 feet from a structure, but trees grow, and soon enough it could be a fire risk. Of course you can insist that you are in compliance now, but the neighbors will then harp on you to keep that new tree pruned to comply, and that discussion will happen every single year.
Anon
Can you really live your life always planning for more restriction? Always being over-cautious? Always being worried that something safe you want to do could harm someone else in a way you haven’t considered? There MUST be a balance. It must be ok for homeowners to plant trees safely without fretting it won’t be OK 15 years down the line.
Anon
1:56 you just counted yourself out of the rational argument by calling anyone in California who is careful about fire safety “over cautious.” You have zero idea what you are talking about.
Anon
Making defensible space and an evacuation plan is cautious. No one disputes that. But bugging neighbors to go above and beyond according to one person’s ideas about what’s safe (remember, what’s being described meets the state guidelines) isn’t necessary for safety. It’s an anxiety or control and we don’t make policy or decisions based on other people’s anxiety.
Anon
Oh Obtuse One, you vacillate between pretending that going as far as you are legally allowed is somehow incredibly magnanimous of you, and shaming others for expressing common sense concern (after all trees grow, and sometimes quickly!) over literal life-and-death issues (fire hazards in CA fire areas).
You don’t want to admit it but we can all see that are that ssshole. You just keep digging the hole deeper with every comment.
Anon
Anon @ 1:56, why not just plant the tree further from the neighbor’s house? You act like that one spot is the ONLY spot you can plant it. If there really is no other place for it, maybe step back and consider whether a tree will even fit at all. Planting trees is not an inalienable right granted to all homeowners like you make it out to be.
Anon
Bay Area resident here. Not a law but a homeowners insurance requirement can be that you don’t have any wood or vegetation within 5 to 10 feet of the perimeter of your house including the roof. This includes mulch around your house by the way, but it’s mostly aimed at trees, as well as brush that get gets very dry during fire season.
Lots of people are getting cancelled by home owners insurers right now, so this is a real concern.
Anon
And if you want to buy a house and need to get a new policy, your options are terrible because most major insurers have stopped offering new policies, even in low risk areas of the state.
Anon
My neighbor had a water related claim with her existing homeowners insurer. The adjuster who came out pointed out several areas where trees were too close to her house, then her insurance subsequently got canceled.
Anonymous
If they live in a fire prone area then they should hire a landscape designer if they can afford it. It’s surprising how gardening can decrease (or increase) fire risks. An investment up front is more than worth it to potentially save your house. Plus the professional will be familiar with local law and can be a convenient buffer for the neighbor.
Anons
Check with the fire department in the county where they live – there will often be a fire hazard plan and sometimes an inspector who can come check the property for free. Beyond that, there are a ton of local ordinances; your parents should talk to a lawyer who handles property issues where they live.
I would recommend being fake solicitous rather than confrontational with the neighbor in the meantime. Your parents are VERY concerned that everything is done right, so let’s check with the county and look up all the local ordinances to make sure we do everything properly, don’t you agree Neighbor?
anon
+1 that the local fire marshal can be helpful, if on the conservative side of minimizing fire risk
Anon
Given fire concerns in California, I think describing the neighbors as “annoying” is overstating things. How about “concerned?”
You can pretend every man / homeowner is an island, but in the case of fires, we really are all in this together.
A sense of cooperation would do your parents well here.
Anon
Trust me, they’ve cooperated as good neighbors for years – they’ve been in the same community for almost 30. It’s not just about fire risk or vitally important things. This neighbor is the kind who is genuinely a busybody about things that don’t matter. My parents have no interest in losing their property to fire, but they also don’t have endless funds to cater to a neighbor’s preferences.
Anon
FWIW, that is exactly how I read your post. She’s nosy and there is not satisfying her, because her hobby is annoying other people.
Anon
It’s actually a he – so add nosy plus the confidence of a white male.
Anon So Cal
I live in California and having been evacuated multiple times, I am very sensitive to fire danger. However, I also have one of “those” neighbors (e.g. she has called the fire department multiple times with complaints about landscaping for both my yard and neighbors – every single time the fire department comes and says there are no issues – she just does not like anything other than green and perfect lawn, water use restrictions be darned).
OP – As others have pointed out, these regulations are very local. You (or they) should check. Then and assuming they are in compliance, the response is “I checked and we are in compliance with local ordinances, but if you can cite to something we would be happy to look into it.” And then refuse to engage further.
Anon
On a semi-related note, if anyone is looking for a good nonfiction read that also includes horrifying descriptions of how fire moves through suburban neighborhoods, I recommend Fire Weather by John Vaillant. It’s about the fire in Fort McMurray a few years ago.
Anonymous
Look at the site for their city if they are city, and the site for their county if they are in an unincorporated area. They post the applicable codes and FAQs.
Anonymous
Not in CA, but I have these neighbors and I’m planting a giant evergreen hedge. Hard to complain if you can’t even see it.
PSLF
Public service loan forgiveness question.
I had my loans forgiven last year because of my public service job. Technically I overpaid because I never took advantage of the Covid pause on payments. In total, I made approx. 2+ years of payments when I was already past my 10 year mark for PSLF while the pause was in effect but before the forgiveness could officially happen. Does anyone know if that is refundable in some way?
I didn’t want to take advantage of the pause at the time because I didn’t have a hardship and it felt wrong to certify something that wasn’t true even though i know lots of folks did exactly that, but just wondering if that money is lost forever or I can apply for a refund. Any info appreciated.
Neighbor
You should ask your congressional representative office! They have help lines dedicated to stuff like this
If you don’t get a response, try your senator offices
Anon
Your argument is other people cheated so you should get the same sticky finger discount? I don’t see how that works.
PSLF
No. My argument is that the PSLF program requires ten years of payments in a qualifying public service job, which I have made, and as a result I am now wondering if I am entitled to a refund for the multiple payments that I made that are in excess of that amount. The reason I asked the question is because I read that some people actually received their over payments back from the government but the article that mentioned this didn’t go into any detail on why/how.
Do you sincerely have trouble understanding how this is not the same as certifying a financial hardship when you don’t actually have one or are you just trying to stir up trouble?
Anonymous
I’d ask on the PSLF Reddit. Lots of very knowledgeable people there.
anon
+1. That subreddit helped me a lot when I was putting in my request a few years ago (and eventually got my forgiveness). IIRC there are some situations where overpayments were refunded but they were narrow and highly specific. I’m not sure you’d qualify but it’s worth asking or doing a search on that sub.
Anonymous
Wow.
Anon
Right?
Anon
Agree. Be happy you were able to pay, didn’t get wrecked by there pandemic, and got forgiveness of remaining amounts.
go for it
You could also reach out to the US Dept of Education – Office of the Ombudsman.
My friend is doing this for her PSLF because her loan servicer has been of
no help at all. Her situation is different; however, they were helpful in getting
things moving along.
Anon
You are entitled to the reimbursement! I also had loans forgiven via PSLF. And I remember that any payments over the 10 years were reimbursed. Didn’t apply to me but it’s definitely something you should look into. And don’t listen to the haters! No shame in taking advantage of a program that was intended to support public servants who typically make less. Congratulations!!
Anon
I posted several days ago about Rogaine foam affecting hair color (artificial) and texture (salon keratin straightening). Update after consultation with my dermatologist: any topical with alcohol will affect (artificial) color. She suggests not using any topical and replacing the Nutrafol supplements I currently take with Viviscal Professional supplements (which she says have more data of efficacy).
Anonymous
Thank you! I’m going to give this a try.
Anon
I want to learn more about nutrition and healthy eating. I grew up in the low calorie low fat generation, and as others have mentioned here I feel more energy and feeling satiated when eating more protein (including red meat), high fat dairy, etc. I want to learn more. Not for weight loss but more for what is healthy, will keep me healthier in older age, will make me feel better on a daily basis. Would love recommendations for online courses or books.
Anon
I love the podcast called Zoe Nutrition! They’re very into whole foods and gut health. I’ve learned a lot from it.
anon
Menopause Nutritionist has a lot of good info, even if you’re just in the peri stage.
Anons
Renaissance Woman (link below, but Amazon also has it). It’s science-based and intended for people who have to lose or gain mass for concrete reasons, up to and including fitness being their job. It really breaks down why long-term dieting doesn’t work and how to safely do recomp (building muscle while cutting back on fat).
https://rpstrength.com/products/rp-female-book
Anonymous
I really like the subscription newsletter Nutrition Action, by Center for Science in the Public Interest. https://www.cspinet.org/page/nutrition-action (I hate the online version, get the print one)
I’d read more about the Mediterranean Diet or the DASH diet, both are considered extremely healthy. You might also want to read about the Blue Zones.
Anonymous
We are following the Mediterranean Diet guidelines; there is a lot of published data on its benefits. It will have you focus on switching healthy fats for saturated fats. I would run it by your doctor.
Anon
I was hospitalized for clotting issues and they recommended the Mediterranean diet. I’ve been loosely but not slavishly following it. The big thing is getting enough fruits and veg in every day – I tend to focus on the fruits. That has really helped with my satiety. Time to go eat a Cara Cara orange.
NaoNao
‘Rette Hive:
Our company recently tightened RTO and I’m likely to wind up going to the office one day a week from 100% remote. Thankfully I wasn’t working in pajamas but my wardrobe was more on the funky/creative/anything goes side, often including items I wouldn’t wear to the office (whether it’s sheer, a bit too cropped, open toe shoes, too casual, etc). I reviewed my wardrobe and it includes a handful of pointed toe shoes–either mules, heels, or boots. I will say quite a few of these are vintage or second-hand designer so maybe they’re not the most fresh and up to date.
I was chatting with a friend about this and they mentioned they think pointed toe shoes are “unflattering” for anyone but very slender women. Meaning not almond-toe or slight points but more the “w*tchy” style where there’s an extended point that goes far past the toes.
I’m surprised at this, I’ve always read that pointed toe shoes “elongate the leg” and personally I find round toe shoes make me look like a gnome or a gym teacher and I find especially rounded toe flats to be too juvenile for me.
Anyway, what’s the verdict on this? I personally don’t center “flattering” as the most important metric when getting dressed but is this something other people think as well? Just idly wondering.
ALT
I think the 90s pointed toes are unflattering and make your feet look very long. Today’s pointed toes aren’t as dramatic and feel fine (she says, wearing a pair of pointed toe flats).
This is an example of what I’d consider unflattering: https://www.therealreal.com/products/women/shoes/pumps/prada-patent-leather-camouflage-print-pumps-l4k5r that toe is so long!
Anon
No one is going to kick you out of your office for wearing pointed toe shoes if you’re not the thinnest woman on the planet.
Neighbor
Henry VIII was not a slender woman
Anonymous
My mom told me once l that pointed toe flats made my (size 10) feet look like boats, so I avoided them for many years after that. Now I don’t care but usually avoid a exaggerated pointed toe for comfort reasons. I think generally a pointed/almond toe is seen as the most classic/professional for office wear, but in this day and age it’s a lot more flexible. Wear what you like! Also, if you’re only going into the office 1 day per week, it might be easier to have a couple of dedicated office shoes and then wear whatever you want on the other days.
Cat
Super elongated pointed toes read dated to me – like from the early 2000s – but the idea that they are only attractive on a size 0 is… unique to your friend.
Anon
Wear what you like. I despise pointed toe flats. Almond shape or squared toe are what I’m seeing more of now, but if that doesn’t work for your sensibilities, then don’t worry about it.
Senior Attorney
I think your friend has a unique hang-up about pointed toe shoes. I say wear what you like.
A
I think “flattering” meaning look longer and smaller is really outdated as a goal.
go for it
Sorry, but I disagree with your friend.
Wear what makes your feet happy.
I wear round or squared as my pinky toes prefer them.
Anon
I don’t think that at all. I love a pointy toe. I find pointy toed flats challenging for going up stairs, but I think that is a me issue.
Peaches
Similarly, I have to baby them because I tend to catch them on pavement/curbs.
Anon
Help me find the perfect height boot sock. Too short, and my pants ride up past the sock line when I’m seated and my calves show, which just doesn’t feel quite professional enough. If they are knee high, my pants kind of catch them and it alters the appearance of my pants, frustratingly! Any suggestions for a mid-calf sock that has a chance of staying up over wide calves but doesn’t go all the way to the knee? Must come in black, bonus for dark designs that add some interest. I did have a few pairs of bombas that fit the bill but they wore out the heel/toe after only a year or so.
Vicky Austin
I have some black Smartwools that are sort of lower-calf that might work for you. (Hang dry, in case that’s a dealbreaker)
Anon
Mid-calf is a hard point to get socks to stay up because your anatomy has no valley/indentation there to help. How about a compression knee high like my beloved Sockwell compression knee highs? They’re close fitting so I’ve never found them to have any impact on how my pants lie over them. And they stay up.
anon
Feetures crew socks. I also have strong calves and they stay put on me.
Anonymous
does anyone use digestive enzymes? any brands to recommend?
go for it
I have heard good things about Atrantil, never taken them myself
anonshmanon
you mean like lactaid?