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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Eudora Top in Plaid Sharkskin

A woman wearing a gray plaid short-sleeved top and matching pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

As a connoisseur of women’s workwear, I am incredibly grateful that M.M. LaFleur managed to survive for the last two years, despite the ever-changing (and, quite frankly, confusing) unwritten rules about how we’re dressing ourselves. This top is one of my favorites from their new collection, and it’s a stunner. I love the origami details on the sleeves, the boat neckline, and the flattering cut.

I would wear this with a black suit for a sophisticated business formal look, or with perfectly-tailored jeans and a blazer for a knockout casual Friday outfit.

The top is $245 at M.M. LaFleur and comes in sizes 0P–18.

A more affordable option comes from DRA; it's $88 (lucky sizes only) at Nordstrom. This Ann Taylor plaid top is $64.50 and available in regular and petite sizes up to XXL.

Sales of note for 12.5

308 Comments

  1. Heading solo to Paris in mid October for 5 days of sightseeing. I have museums covered, but am looking for tips for fashion shopping (especially small local brands or vintage/2nd hand) and any highlights from your trips you would like to share?
    I like long walks, photography, museums, Japanese/Viet food, in case it matters.
    TIA

    1. Oh, how I envy you! Not sure if this is up your alley (plus its dicey travelling with pottery) but I LOVE Astier De Villate. There is one shop nearish to the Louve (173 rue Saint Honoré) and one near Luxembourg (16 rue de Tournon). Have a wonderful time.

      1. I do, in fact, collect small plates or figurines (or similar ceramics) from my journeys, so thank you for the tip.

        1. Oh then Astier might be right up your alley! They have beautiful little bits and pieces, as well as stunning large platters and what not.

    2. Sounds like a fabulous trip! Check out wit and wimsy website for her Paris content. She did a run down of favorite Paris stores recently.

      1. Yes and she also has a service where she can help plan out your trip with food recommendations and other things to do. Might be worth looking into!

        1. +1 – I would absolutely do one of her custom itineraries, a friend of mine did and said it was great

    3. My favorite on a recent trip was Merci in Le Marais. It’s huge and they have all sorts of stuff including clothes and home goods.

      The huge department stores are a must and Printemps has a rooftop terrace cafe with a view of the Eiffel Tower

      Also, this is so random and specific but I met up with my Parisian friend while there and he had a whole sightseeing walk suggestion I didn’t have time for but sounds like it may be perfect for you! Here’s the Whatsapp he sent: “From Rue des Martyrs go to Rue Cadet, from Rue Cadet take Passage Verdeau then go straight forward in the successive passages until Rue Saint Marc, then go to Rue Saint Anne for the Japanese restaurants, then go to Palais Royal for a quick walk, then go to the Louvre, cross the Seine, go to Saint Germain des Pres and then do what you want.”

      He also said “best japanese restaurant ever: Kodawari. Arrive at 11.15 to wait in line”

      1. Thank you, I am marking the route on my G.map and love the restaurant reco. Printemps terrace is already on my plan as a photo location ;) This is why I love this site – whatever you need, you’ll get the best recommendations here. Thanks!

    4. I have taken a couple of trips like this, and have found it useful to take a turn through my local mall before I go so I know what’s available here and can make sure to pick out unique things overseas. If every store in your local mall is selling a black floral midi dress for fall you don’t need to get one in Paris since it won’t be special.

      1. That is a good tip that can be used for any trip that involves clothes shopping. Thanks.

      2. As a counterpoint, I actually don’t mind buying things that aren’t *super* special when traveling abroad because a lot of times I actually wear/use the jeans/tea towel/sweatshirt that I bought at the H&M Stockholm or whatever. And whenever I use them, I still know they’re from Paris/Barcelona/wherever and that’s nice.

    5. You’ll find a concentration of Vietnamese restaurants in the 13th arrondissement. It’s Paris’ Asian town. I’m not much of a shopper so can’t help you there. A general thing that I enjoyed was walking around Montmartre. I went during Thanksgiving so it was festive leading up to Christmas, with vin chaud and escargots stalls, and singers on the street.

    6. I got a bag I love from Ateliers Auguste in Le Marais last year. The brand is two brothers that design everything on site and run the shop/showroom themselves, so it’s basically the definition of local. :)

      1. Stuck in mod because I used a “bad” word…
        I got a bag I love from Ateliers Auguste in Le Marais last year. The brand is two brothers that design everything on s**e and run the shop/showroom themselves, so it’s basically the definition of local. :)

      2. Le Marais is a great place to shop. Along Rivoli to the Place Vendome area also has nice high /low shops.

    7. My favorite & most used items from Paris are some throw pillow covers I bought at the Ste Chapelle gift shop. They were made by an artisan collective outside of Paris and were easy to cart home because they laid flat in my luggage.

      My US cusp sized self was firmly in “les rondes” territory in Paris. I made an appointment at Marina Rinaldi (Max Mara sister brand) near Place Vendome and ended up buying a really pretty dress that is still special to me. I know it’s an Italian brand but the prices were better there than here and the service was really lovely.

      Enjoy!

    8. Not sure which of these brands are available in the US, but Maje, APC, Sandro, Ba&sh, Tara Jarmon and Comptoir des Cotonniers are popular French clothing brands to check out. Polene for bags. Vintage clothing culture is less developed in Paris than, say, in London, but there are some vintage shops in the 4th primarily. You should check out Le Cambodge near Canal St Martin for Cambodian food.

    9. I keep pushing it on here, but Paris By Mouth has great food tours and a real highlight was a cheese tasting class in their storefront. Highly recommend.

    10. Don’t sleep on the house brands of the big department stores – I bought a bunch of cute things from the galeries lafayette house brand the last time I was there.

    12. The cathedral gift shops sometimes have cool choral music CDs. I bought one that starts with single bell of Notre Dame tolling, and then the carillon kicks in, then the choir. Very cool!

  2. Tell me about strategies that have worked for you to mitigate OCD (anxiety, checking, intrusive thoughts)….

      1. I don’t have OCD, but Lexapro + EMDR has been absolutely game changing for my anxiety.

    2. Have you had your blood pressure checked? I did and found out I was at like 190/50 (very bad). I got on BP lowering medication and the physical relief actually helped my anxiety feelings as well.

    3. For my anxiety slowing down my breath helps. So deep breathing for 6-8 seconds in and 6-8 seconds out. To take my mind off the anxiety, I also try and focus on imagining the breath coming into my nose and out of my nose during the deep breathing.

  4. Going to Boston this weekend via train for fun. We will be staying close to MIT and visiting downtown, Cambridge, and Back Bay (open to other areas too). Any recs for favorite restaurants, coffee shops, bakeries, boutiques, parks, or other hidden gems? Think we have a good list of the popular tourist destinations already.

    1. The MIT museum is fun if you like engineering, or just want to get a kick out of some of the crazy things MIT students have done over time. One of my favorite museums in general is the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum – lovely art, lovely indoor garden. Absolute best subs are from Al’s State Street Cafe, which is near the Aquarium/Quincy Market. Have a wonderful time!

      1. Al’s is a very odd recommendation. Don’t go here, OP. It’s a Mon-Fri casual sub/sandwich shop. It’s not even open on weekends.

        1. Also the best Italian subs are from Monica’s. And the best meatball subs are across the street at Dino’s.

    2. Enjoy, it’s gorgeous this time of year! I’d check out toscani’s for ice cream, flour bakery for breakfast/lunch, Viale for italian and just walking up/down Massachusetts Avenue to browse the shops/restaurants. I have a soft spot for the glass flowers at the Harvard Museum and in general it’s a really awesome museum that doesn’t get as much foot traffic as it should. The Gardner museum is great but if you don’t know the art well the tour will help orient you. The Mary Baker Eddy library is a personal favorite and easy to pop into if you’ll be in the commons or the public garden.

      1. If you haven’t watched it yet, This Is a Robbery: The World’s Biggest Art Heist documentary (on Netflix) on the Gardner art heist is fascinating and might be fun to watch before/after a visit.

    4. Given you’re staying near MIT, I’d just go across the Mass Ave bridge and enjoy everything between Copley and Boston Common – one of my favorite walks. Stroll Newbury, enjoy Comm Ave and Marlborough Streets. Hit Beacon Hill/Charles Street for some window shopping and fun cafes. Check out Acorn Street for the quintessential Boston shot up the cobblestone street. I’d not prioritize the waterfront, TBH, and might even recommend staying clear of Faneuil. It’s fine, but touristy. The charm of the Back Bay and Beacon Hill can’t be beat.

    5. I actually really loved the Longfellow house in Cambridge, but I am an old house nerd. The gardens were lovely when I visited in the summer.

    6. Walk across the Longfellow bridge to Charles St. walk down Charles to the public garden, stopping for a treat from Tatte on the way. Walk through the public garden to the Comm Ave mall, go four blocks and then turn right on Dartmouth St, and take it to Back St (an alley) where you’ll find a footbridge across Storrow Drive onto the esplanade (a riverfront park). Walk down the esplanade towards Mass Ave. cross the river on the Mass Ave bridge and then either take a right and walk along the river on the Cambridge side back to Kendall, or continue down Mass ave to Flour for lunch. Enjoy!

    7. i lived there for 6 years while at grad school and the things i usually suggest are: flour bakery (any location, i miss the breakfast sandwiches SO much, the sticky buns, cookies, sandwiches, homemade poptarts and oreos..basically anything there is fabulous), toscaninis ice cream, cafe luna for brunch or lunch. on MIT campus i’d go to the stata center (just a cool building!), the infinite corridor, walk along memorial drive next to the river and across the mass ave bridge, clover if you like vegetarian food, area 4 coffee shop and area 4 pizza are both great.

      harvards campus is also lovely. i liked the natural history museum but YMMV. there’s a mikes pastry location in harvard sq in case you dont want to do the north end thing. there’s also a great ramen place (santouka), tatte bakery for coffee and pastries, insomnia cookies, LA burdicks for hot chocolate and chocolate mice.

      in boston i’d suggest the north end and isabella stewart gardner museum and ICA

    8. Thanks for the great suggestions, everyone! I’m really looking forward to visiting, if only for a long weekend.

      1. Since you said you’re staying near MIT and want to see Downtown, I highly recommend taking a Hubway bike from near your hotel, along the Charles through North Point Park in Cambridge and over the pedestrian bridge into Charlestown. You can check out the USS Constitution on the bike — or stop in for a tour if you want — then get on a ferry from Charlestown to the Aquarium area. I’m biased because I live in Charlestown, but I always recommend people get out on the water in the harbor if they can. The ferry is a cheap and easy way to do it.

  5. I just discovered I have plantar faciitis. Despite my podiatrist telling me “shoes are not for my eyes” I’m daunted by the options moving forward. For those of you who have PF, have you found any trendy or classic (think Superga style) shoes that have comfort and stability? What shoes are you wearing?? I have two varieties of inserts to use. thanks all.

    1. PF is not forever. I had it pretty badly in both heels and managed to fix it with a couple of treatments I found online. There are about 20 things people do, and some work for some, others work for others. What worked for me was (1) doing big circles with each foot, 10 times, before I ever stepped out of bed in the morning, and (2) wearing Oofos any time I wasn’t at the office or working out. I never changed up my work or running shoes. Mine was so bad I had to hold on to the grocery cart handle to lift the weight off of my heels, basically walking through the store on my toes. I looked ridiculous, but a few weeks of circles and Oofos cleared it up.

      1. I agree. I found that stretching by putting my heel near where the floor and wall meet, and my foot on the wall, then stretching to get a good deep stretch in my calf, dally helped a lot.

        I also got very diligent about wearing shoes, in my case Crocs, at all times in the house. I don’t recall changing the shoes I wore outside of the house, but I never wore heels anyway. I mostly wore low heeled ankle boots (this was in the mid 2010s) and for fancy, I had a couple of pairs of Rockport mary Janes that had a heel height or maybe 2 inches. I think just make sure the shoes are fairly supportive and not too high, nor completely flat. Like, don’t schlep around in cheap rubber flip flops!

        It was pretty painful for a little while, but then got manageable and was completely gone within a couple of months, and hasn’t come back. I also took a bunch of ibuprofen while it was really bad, but you should probably check with your doctor about that. I think always wearing shoes inside was key for me in not having it come back.

        1. Mine was debilitating as well and the calf stretches were the key. I also spent hours every night icing, always wore shoes, and (maybe counterintuitively, walked and ran continuously – with lots of interruptions for calf stretches).

          1. OT, I have been wondering how your extended family and 2d home came through the storm this past weekend. Sending you good vibes.

          2. Thank you Anon at 12:11; that is so incredibly thoughtful of you! Everyone is safe and sound. House is fine, just a few roof shingles off and a few trees to remove. Still no power for lots of friends and family but they are all fine. Some of the losses are devastating.

    2. Kuru shoes were life changing when I had very bad PF pain. I also had good luck using a spiky ball for stretching.

    3. Mine comes and goes now and can usually knock it out quickly once I pay attention to the signs. Things that have helped not mentioned above: sleeping in a Strasberg sock and wearing Vionic Gemma slippers when at home. I have high arches and find anything flat just does not work. I only wear my orthotics in my exercise shoes. Although Golden Goose gets knocked on here, I find my Superstars to be supremely comfortable with their hidden wedge and always wear them when doing a lot of walking.

    4. Wearing Birkenstocks around the house helped my PF. They are my ‘house birks’ so they never go out side.

      1. Check out Birkenstock’s new selection of “fancier” shoes. I bought a pair of Birkenstock wedges early in the summer and they are so amazing! I’ve lived in the standard Birkenstock Arizona model for years, and I am thrilled they are expanding into more fashionable options, while keeping the comfort and structure.

    5. Talk to your podiatrist about using KT tape along the bottom of your foot and up your Achilles. Per my podiatrist’s recc and demo I bought KT tape at CVS and initially wore tape nonstop for the first three months of treatment. Now six months later it is almost all gone and I only tape when I am going on a long hike or going to be on my feet all day. Second what others said about stretching, ibuprofen, rolling, and always wearing shoes/slippers in the house. This is my second episode in 10 years and it sucks but it will go away! My podiatrist also gave me a steroid injection on my follow-up visit, right into my heel to get me “over the last hill” and it helped so you may want to ask about that.

    6. I got active release technique (ART) and that really helped but it took several months and 2 providers, all told I was in pain for at least a year. I found the calf stretch off a STEP to be most helpful – on the wall was not enough stretch for me. I switched to zero drop Altras and have power step protech insoles that I wear in ALL of my shoes (I put them in my other sneakers too).

    7. When I have a PF flare, the thing that works for me is wearing “rocker sole” (non flexible) shoes. I pull out my Dansko clogs and rock the art teacher look for a while. You could get Swedish Hasbeens or No 6 clogs if you want something more hip/expensive.

    8. My PF is chronic but manageable. After a very bad period when I returned to my office shoes after the pandemic, I got several months of PT and still do the stretches. When the pain was most severe, I wore stiff, supportive boots (Taos Crave were my favorite) with a slight heel. Flat is not good. Squishy is not good.

      As I slowly shifted back into wearing more of my shoes, I found I had to try on each pair to make a decision–comfort brands are not a guarantee. Then I weeded out many of my previous favorites. I kept only two basic pairs of pumps for an emergency and don’t wear them. Boots or shoes with a higher vamp (like some loafers) are best.

      These are some brands that often work for me now: Taos, Vionic, Pikolonos, Clarks, Merrell. For athletics (with an insole): Puma, Asics.

      This is obviously not high fashion, but I have mostly accepted the range of what I can wear in order to reduce foot pain and keep my mobility. I work in higher ed administration on the dressier end of business casual. I think my colleagues didn’t even notice when I essentially wore combat boots to the office for several months. It’s fine. Good luck to you!

    9. I’ve had it. I then started wearing crocs all the time around the house, and Dansko clogs with the rocker bottom soles (I think they are the pro or professional line) and brooks sneakers outside the home. I think this combination has kept it at bay.

  6. Went apple picking and have more apples than I know what to do with. What are some of your favorite recipes?

    1. Pinch of Yum’s Cinnamon Sugar Apple Cake (sooo good with a bit of cream cheese frosting!)

    2. Ina Garten’s applesauce cake with bourbon cream cheese frosting. To die for. Well, you would have to make applesauce first though.

    4. I just made tarte tatin last night which used up 5 good sized apples (I use pre-made puff pastry so I didn’t have to fuss with dough). I also cook apples down (cubed and cooked on low heat with a bit of butter/sugar/cinnamon) until they get soft but not fully mushy and then stick them in the fridge to top my morning yogurt with – yummy and feels indulgent without being a total calorie bomb.

    5. If you have a slow cooker, Skinnytaste’s slow cooker apple butter is fantastic. I usually use less sugar than it calls for. Bonus, it makes the house smell incredible all day while it cooks.

    7. Apple crisp, apple pie, and applesauce for the rest. We had 50lbs of apples last weekend and are down to only one small bag. The applesauce takes a LOT of apples!

    9. I make what I think of as crustless apple tarts: sliced apples mixed with a squeeze of lemon juice, a bit of warm water, a very small amount of brown sugar and cinnamon. I like to add fresh or frozen blackberries. I pile up individual ramekins with the mix, then bake on a baking sheet at 350 degrees for about 20-30 minutes. So delicious, and pretty darn healthy, too. These are good for breakfast, dessert or snack.

    10. Apple butter makes a lot of apples into a smallish quantity of something delicious. There are lots of recipes online. If you have a crockpot this is a good use for it.

    11. Pork, onion, apple skillet; apple, basil, and tuna salad sandwich; apple squash soup; grilled cheese with cheddar or brie and apple

    12. I like making apple chutney to eat alongside pork and chicken. You can also toss a few quartered apples in whenever you roast said pork or chicken (tuck in amongst the potatoes and onions).

    13. This will not help you quantity wise, but King Arthur’s old fashioned apple cake with brown sugar frosting was one of the best apple cakes I’ve ever eaten. I’m making it again for the holidays this week!

    15. Apple strudel!

      Cook’s Illustrated recently published a recipe that is more straight forward and less time consuming than any other I’ve used.

  7. Dubrovnik recommendations please! Also I’ve forgot how to dress for this type of holiday since we haven’t been away since Covid. Do I pack summer clothes like flowery tops etc or should I pack for October with autumn colours etc?

    1. You must visit Lokrum! It was one of my favorite things we did in all of Croatia. Game of Thrones was also filmed there, if you are into the show.
      There is a bar that is right outside of the city walls along the water called Buza Bar. Beautiful place for a drink.

      Enjoy! I love Croatia.

      1. Well yes that does help me with the actual weather but not if people in Southern Europe are currently fashion wise ready for autumn or still in more summery styles.

    4. I was there two weeks ago and it was still really summery, 30 degrees Celsius but locals expected it to soon cool off. My brother is a Croatia expert and took us to Taj Mahal in the old town and it was incredible Bosnian food. Excellent service. He recommended we make reservations at the restaurant at the hotel at the top of the Gondola but we couldn’t get in. Otherwise, just wander the old town. It was fabulous.

      1. Just came back too and it was wonderful! I recommend doing the walls tour with a guide, it was worth the money (but either way, do the walls tour!) We went to Lokrum and enjoyed it, also went up the tram and saw the 1991 war museum at the top. Our best meals were at a pizzeria in the old town called Pizzeria Baracuda which gets mixed reviews on Trip Advisor but we loved the greek salad-the feta was like nothing I had ever tasted before. Buy olive oil and maybe wine at the duty free. I think our travel agent offered a bike tour to a winery which we couldn’t fit in but may be of interest to you. Enjoy, Croatia is beautiful and the people are so nice!

        1. My best culinary take away was also the olive oil. We sailed the Dalmatian islands and two of the little stops had oil I could have drunk!

      2. Thanks! We’d been looking at that hotel for food but hadn’t decided so will try get booked.

    5. I’m in Nice right now which I expect to be a similar vibe and it’s a real mixture – lots of denim shorts and T-shirts during the day (especially on tourists obviously) but also floaty midi dresses with bare legs and sneakers, some of which continues into the evening, but also people dressing more for autumn. I packed for both summer and autumn and have worn almost everything I packed.
      Packing list for ten days total including two travel days and a day in Paris where it’s cooler:
      2x midi dresses
      1x shorter dress (short enough to wear with tights, long enough to wear with bare legs)
      1x denim mini skirt (I only wear this with tights but have seen plenty of people wearing them bare legged)
      1x denim shorts
      3x short sleeved tees (have worn 2 so far)
      2x nice short sleeved tops
      Denim jacket
      Thin Activewear hoodie (haven’t worn this yet but sure I will, on the train if nothing else)
      Thin & rainproof packable puffer coat
      3x swimsuits

  8. So I see that Alex Baldwin’s not-Spanish wife is really committed to the Spanish naming thing she’s got going on. Eesh. My birth family is looking less and less dysfunctional.

      1. She didn’t have all of them. Sort of curious after that surrogacy Q a few weeks ago what their contract and NDA reads like.

      1. IDK how you’d model that effectively. Nothing seemed amiss with #1, so you’d likely underfund that. And now with a pending lawsuit + criminal suit, IDK how you can hide assets fast enough (or if that is something that a trustee couldn’t come after). But a therapy fund here at least passes the laugh test. Come se dice “therapy fund” en espanol?

    5. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself – life changing, easy to read book

    6. Bess Kalb on Twitter wrote

      “This is the best commitment to a bit I have ever seen. She is our modern day Ali G.”

  9. Looking for a recommendation on any good books/podcasts/resources to help educate my daughter (mid 20’s) on how to establish boundaries with friends. She’s caught up in what I think is a fairly toxic and possibly co-dependent friendship and it is creating so much anxiety and angst for her. Google search threw up a few ideas, but hoping for some 1st hand recs. Relatedly, can I just ask – do the mid 20’s suck for everyone, or just her?

    Whoever said you are only as happy as your least happy kid – nailed it.

    1. I learned this difficult lesson in college, but I think Boundaries by Henry Cloud Townsend and…that other guy is the bible on this subject.

    2. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself – life changing, easy to read book

      1. The author Nedra Glover Tawwab was a guest on the podcast 10% Happier, which was a really great episode

    3. Hmm, by mid-20s that kind of stuff was over. There’s a lot of places to make friends beyond the limitations of school when you’re growing up. Is it actually a romantic relationship masquerading as a friendship?

      1. I disagree. I actually think mid 20s was really tough (48 now). Something about then made it harder to get rid of friendships because you think we went through X together or I’ve known them so long. It’s like sunk costs. It’s harder to meet new people than college so you might put up with a bit more. I think personalities also start to firm up a bit more. You realize the friend from college who was fun to hang with is now prioritizing things different from you or using you but you don’t want to let go of the fun memories (some of which were likely more about the time than people but no one wants to admit that). That age is also where job advancement, marriage and/or home ownership starts to get weirdly competitive for some people and they begin to act out. I don’t think it has to be romantic at all (but I guess it certainly could be).

        1. Omg this “That age is also where job advancement, marriage and/or home ownership starts to get weirdly competitive for some people and they begin to act out.” I had a major falling out in my early 20’s when I heard second hand from a mutual friend that one of my ‘best friends’ actually ‘hated’ me and talked behind my back all the time about how smug/what a ‘sell out’ I was for taking a corporate job and buying an apartment. We’re late Gen-X/early millenials if it helps contextualize the ‘sell out’ as an insult thing – I was just happy for health insurance!
          This type of ‘badmouth you for things they envy’ behavior continued well into my 30s and I simply cut some of those folks out. I wasn’t buying a house/getting married/getting pregnant AT them but some people view it as a competition.

        2. Haha I had a friend badmouth me at that age too, over different issues. The hubris of people who think that they can tell your entire friend group how they really feel about you & it will never get back to you.

        3. Wow you just helped me understand a friend who ghosted me right after I went into contract on an apartment significantly more expensive than hers (that we were able to buy because we got an inheritance — they got their downpayment from wedding gifts). We had worked together and both moved on, but my next move was working out well for me and hers was not. Mid to late 20s!

      2. I agree, mid-20’s we’re the best time of my life. I made a lot of new friends too through trying new activities. It may be more complicated in this post-Covid world but if the daughter is asking for advice, going out of your comfort zone to make new friends is a great way to move on.

        1. Yep. Mid-forties and in the middle of a complex process of detaching from a friend who disappeared for awhile, then re-emerged and is upset that we aren’t still best friends and I’m not willing to just pick up where we left off – or go backwards in time to be the friend to her I used to be, aka a doormat. It’s not any easier navigating complicated friendships at this stage of my life than it was when I was younger.

    4. I employee a group of early to mid 20 somethings, and you could not pay me to go back and relive those years. I attracted terrible friends through my 20s and it took therapy and learning what a narcisist looked like to weed them out and my life was so much better afterwards. My easygoing don’t want to be the center of attention nature attracted people who needed a supporting cast, which was great as long as you acted exactly how they wanted you to. Figuring out who you are and growing into yourself is counter to that and added a lot of drama and stress until I started cutting those friends out.

    5. Melissa Urban (Whole30 cofounder) has a new book coming out, the Book of Boundaries. I like what she posts about this stuff on social so it might be worth a read.

    6. I have found things tricky for the last few years (I’m 28). One book that has been really helpful for me and a few of my friends, for different reasons in every case, was Meg Jay’s The Defining Decade.

    9. I listened to the audio book of Boundary Boss and quoted it so often at the time to my 20 year old sister that it has become lore. Whenever someone is demonstrating good boundaries she will quip “ we love a boundary boss!”. A very easy listen that avoids feeling like psycho-babble.

  10. Is anyone here an amateur photographer? Can you please tell me everything? Did you take a class or are there books or youtube videos you found useful? What camera(s) do you have, and lenses? What do you use for storing/organizing photos and post-processing? What kind of computer do you use? Any online forums that you find actually useful for learning (and not just for encouraging you to buy more stuff?)

    I was into film black and white photography in HS and college, back when darkrooms and developing your own film where a thing (so it’s been a minute, but I’ve used a camera that wasn’t point and shoot before). I love taking photos with my iphone and want to finally dip my toe into “real” digital photography. I’m thinking of getting a fujifilm mirrorless to have the film filter option. Would love any advice!

    1. I am (former pro actually) and my advice is skip a fancy digital option unless you intend to shoot professionally, then you’ll want a DSLR not the mirror less category. IMHO, digital “fun” cameras aren’t much better than the iPhone these days and the camera you have is better than the one you won’t take because it’s bulky. These days I think it’s a lot more fun to shoot film on vintage cameras. If you go the digital route, get good editing software like Lightroom. That will make the most difference to your images. I majored in photography and worked in it before law school, have just kept up so I don’t know if a class is helpful or not to learn, but probably.

    2. My wife is a pretty good amateur and she’s helping me get started. She watched a lot of youtube videos and read forums – I’ll text her and post again if she gets back to me. Are there specific things you want to photograph (ie, birds or landscapes)? That will influence the kind of lenses you get. Second the rec for Lightroom software – it makes a huge difference. And there are plenty of used options for cameras, lenses and gear.
      We both have Nikon DSLRs – she upgraded before we moved and I got her hand-me-down. I’ll check the exact types and post this week. I’m kind of terrible but it’s fun.

      1. I’m going on a European trip soon and hoping to bring it to that, and I live in NYC and love photographing random city things/street things/city parks. I also have a kid so I take lots of pics of her.

    3. The Fuji film presets are fine, but nothing you cant achieve in Lightroom with any other camera too. Once you commit to a brand, you’re committing to its lens mount too.

      Taking good pictures is 99% about composition and artistic aspects and only 1% about the equipment you use. Actually, unsay that and its true, but having good lenses does make a difference in my opinion. A fast lens really allows you more room to take good pictures in low light. Anyway, you could buy used cameras and lenses and get by just fine.

      I would look for a class locally on the basics. If you cant find one locally there are tons of options online.

    4. Yes. No classes (I want to take one through our city’s Parks and Rec department, but they’re always inconvenient times during the workday), but I’ve found YouTube videos helpful–I watch a lot of Mark Galer’s, but they’re specific to my camera brand (Sony). Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson was a book that was recommended to me, but YouTube videos have honestly been more helpful. I started with a Sony a6000 about 6 years ago, which is their basic mirrorless, and upgraded to a Sony A7RIV recently, which is a full frame mirrorless. I like the mirrorless because they are considerably lighter; I will still use the a6000 for city photography because it’s so small/light and still better than my camera phone. Lenses will depend on what you want to shoot–I mostly shoot wildlife/birds and bought a Sony 100-400 GM I’m excited about. I use Lightroom and right now just use my Thinkpad laptop attached to an external monitor, but after my last trip with a ton of pictures, I think I’m going to get a desktop for better processing speed. Also Topaz Denoise and Sharpen are kind of amazing software and worth the price.

  11. Sports parent advice? My kid is playing a travel sport for the first time this year. I have played the same sport my whole life and have coached teams. My kid hustles really hard at practices but then flounders during games. My kid has also started to reject my coaching. I knew this day would come, but I am so hurt. Any words of wisdom from players and/or parents?

    1. Gently, this isn’t about you. Your kid has to make their own way and figure out their own path in the sport. As a parent, your job is to be supportive (and to support the coach). It is completely understandable and natural that your kid would take more direction from someone who is not their parent. You do not have to be the coach to be a good sports parent.

      1. Also, I have to ask. Does your kid actually like this sport, or are they doing it to appease Mom? Knowing that you still play the same sport is actually a ton of pressure.

        1. op here – i think my kid actually likes playing the sport. its a common one and everyone at school also plays. i am sure my love for it is also a factor, though.

      2. This is very common. When I was growing up, my best friends father coached me and my father coached my best friend. At some point, a child rejects the parents advice in these situations and it’s best coming from another person. For me, my son was always a catcher. From a long line of catchers, including myself, my grandmother played for the Racine Bells and my father was a catcher at Vanderbilt. One day, kiddo declared he wasn’t going to be a catcher anymore. My heart broke. But he wasn’t happy in that position. Turns out, he’s much more suited to play 1st base and is incredible in that position.

        OP, try to not make it about you. Your child will find their way.

    2. How old is your kid? Travel in middle school is very different than travel in elem. travel starts in our town in 3rd grade.

      Also, is this an elite club team, or just (“just”) travel?

      How does your kid feel about the sport? Might there be a better fit? Is the kiddo looking to have fun or play elite sports? Would s/he be open to private coaching?

      …and…are you the coach? If not, what does the coach say?

      FWIW I coach travel soccer and travel softball, but for 4th grade girls. It’s more for fun at this age/level.

    3. Oh, man, this has got to be hard. Now you shift to just being the transportation and making friends with the other parents, reading books, or doing work. But it’s not your show. Kindly step to the rear and your relationship will be so much better for it. And libe your kid, but in the way my parents who know zero about sports did.

    5. Oy, I was a very decorated athlete as a teen/young adult. I hated, hated, hated, hated it when my dad coached me. It always made me feel like his love for me was conditional on how well I did — and here is the KEY to that prior statement, even though he absolutely, unquestionably supported me, was enthusiastic even when I played poorly, and was kind to me in coaching me. I just hated the transactional nature of our interactions when I would get in the car after a game, and he’d jump in with “well, what do you think about….” even if it was positive. Apparently, I told him at some point, “I want you to just be my dad, not my coach.” From that day on, he stayed on the sidelines, and was just happy and supportive when I came off the field. No talking about games on the car rides home, nothing other than directly answering questions I asked. I remember feeling so much relief. I put so much pressure on myself that I couldn’t handle pressure from him — again, even though it was all overtly “positive.” I just needed him to not be so invested in the outcome.

      Go search for the article written about college athletes where they say they just want their parents to say “I loved watching you play!” every bit of that study rang true for me.

      Finally, what immediately caught me was that you mentioned being “so hurt” about your child not wanting you to coach them. 100% they feel that hurt, even if you think you’ve totally hidden it from them. I promise you. Also, my guess is the floundering in games is because it’s less risky to not try during games than to really try and fail at something that your parent really wants you to excel at. Or, that the during game and post game coaching has gotten too intense, and your kid is self sabotaging to avoid it. Practice doesn’t have the same level of “risk” if you don’t do well, so it’s safer to really try there.

      In my experience, back way, way, way off — coach another team or just revel in getting to watch your kid from the sidelines — or your kid will reject the sport completely and/or really be resentful of you.

    6. Ha! Don’t coach your kid. That’a what the coaches are for. Let them do their job.

      You’re there for encouragement, period. No criticism, no Monday morning quarterbacking, no comparisons to “when I played the game.” Bring refreshments, organize carpools, make sure the uniform is clean. Do NOT coach!!

    7. The book Positive Pushing, while it would be better at about 75% of its length, is fabulous. The advice is probably not for everyone, but if you are a former athlete, it is likely to appeal and, more importantly, be effective.

    8. You should not be coaching your own child, either officially or informally. You should not be watching practice either. Your job is to pay the bills, get your kid to practices and games on time, well-fed, well-rested, and properly equipped, and to say “I love watching you play.” That’s it.

    9. My daughter played varsity HS and competitive club field hockey. Did you know that field hockey is a huge, huge sport in other countries? I didn’t, until several dads from those countries were so obnoxious at practices and games that they were asked nicely but firmly to no longer attend either.

      Don’t be that parent. Zip it.

    10. My twins played little league this year, which was very exciting for me. I was also one of the coaches. They would listen to me teaching them the basics at home, but wouldn’t at all at practices or games. The other coaches probably assume you’ll coach your own kid (formally or informally), so maybe just let the other coaches do it and let them know when you think your kid needs some help.

    11. https://ilovetowatchyouplay.com/
      This is NOT about you – your job is to be a PARENT. Also, if your kid is showing up, working hard in practice and learning to be a good teammate, guess what? You’ve succeeded as a sports parent. Time to re-think your approach before your kid burns out and you end up with real regrets. Good luck.

    12. As a former youth coach, please let the coaches coach. Be a parent. Support your kid and the team.

  12. I’m in over my head and I need some outside opinions. My husband was estranged from his mother because she was physically and emotionally abusive- hard drinking, hard smoking and generally just nasty. Then her husband (not his father) died and her house went into foreclosure. We helped her file for bankruptcy and moved her into an independent living community that transitions into assisted living. The idea being we would pay for it but we wouldn’t have to deal with her on a day to day basis and could rely on staff for her demands. Otherwise she would be homeless.

    We just got notice that she is being evicted because she won’t let anyone in the clean (it’s mild hoarder) and she won’t stop smoking inside despite a screened in porch where she can smoke.

    I’m going to try to negotiate so she can stay but we may be looking at a quick exit. She can’t live with us for my husband’s mental health. His sisters are not interested in helping.

    Do we buy her a mobile home and pay land rent? Buy a house for her to trash? I’m a recent biglaw partner, so I can afford to swing a cheap house on top of our own, but we’d have to be involved to run it (buy her groceries, take to drs, etc). Frankly we both feel like leaving her out to dry since she couldn’t do the bare minimum of not get kicked out, but letting someone become homeless is hard to live with. Am I missing any solutions?

    2. Mobile home + home care agency to take her to appointments etc might be your best bet. She’s likely going to struggle with any type of communal living.

    3. That sounds awful. I think the first question is asking her what her plan is. I would not get into a situation where you will be responsible for her or house maintenance on a daily basis-it will be very detrimental to your husbands mental health and as this experience has shown she will not let people help her so you will be putting yourself in a losing battle.

        2. +2. Wash your hands of the whole thing and let adult protective services deal with it. Don’t take on any financial or other responsibility or you’ll never be able to get out.

          1. Her husband will be dealing with the pain regardless. Leaving someone to go homeless isn’t something you just wash your hands of guilt-wise. I don’t know what the answer is. But the arm chair “don’t make your husband involved” is really naive, especially in the United States where there isn’t the social safety net for the elderly that folks presume. Someone with mental illness who is elderly is really going to struggle for housing, food and all types of health care. It’s essentially sentencing someone to an early death.

            I do think OP should follow husband’s lead. How he deals with the burden will at least feel more in his control.

    4. You’ve already went above and beyond helping her. She needs to help herself, but her destructive behavior is sabotaging that. I think you have to give some tough love. Let her experience the consequences of her actions. Don’t make her problem your problem by buying a house that she will trash.

    5. Oh my. No advice, but a relative was in similar shoes (someone close facing homelessness through their own poor actions) and invited the person to live with them. The person is still with them 4 years later and we expect the person (who’s 80) to live with my relative for the rest of their life. My relative feels trapped, like she didn’t have another option at the time. We had pushed her hard to arrange public services for the person – help the person arrange public housing, food stamps, etc. But winter was imminent, the person was living in their car, and public services couldn’t get their act together quickly enough…and here we are four years later.

    6. This sounds heartbreaking and I worry about this for my mother as I watch her bank account dwindle. My partner is a social worker and works with the homeless. About 20% of the folks in his shelter right now are over 80 years old. My advice to you would be to get a case worker involved before you start funneling your own money for her to live.

      1. I’m wondering — if our city is a “housing first” city and we build houses (or more like SRO housing with some services), do you have it like a dorm where you need to get your room inspected weekly (and if it fails inspection, what happens then?). I get that some people are homeless because they literally cannot afford rent (and SROs dont’ work for families, which is a big issue locally). But the merely poor homeless person doesn’t want the bugs and mice that will eventually move in with a severe horder if that is next door.

        [Asking also b/c this will be my SIL after my MIL passes away. They are not letting in an electrician to replace broken overhead lamps and are literally living in darkness, so it’s only a matter of time before we have another fall. Is there such a thing as Senior Social Services or is that only when a person is abused vs neglected vs trapped with a horder who is embarassed?]

        1. There are local agencies for seniors depending on where you live and they can help with things like this. (More likely in blue states vs red.)

        2. 60+ and lacking the executive functioning to handle money/job/care of living space describes a huge number of single homeless folks in my city, too. Many got on okay until a spouse/partner who handled that stuff died, and then they’re SOL. It’s something that’s been repeatedly brought up to the city, but they’ve not been willing to put any resources toward it.

    7. This is tough and you have my sympathies. My mother was very, VERY similar and we bought her a modest condo. She only lived there 2.5 years before she passed and we had to gut the place (did not rip out the drywall, but Kilz’ed every surface, put in new counters, and all new carpet) in order to make it viable to sell. That said, it was a COVID-times project (during lockdown in 2020) that gave us a great outlet and let us exercise our DIY muscles; we then sold the condo at a significant gain. All of this is to say a first-floor condo may be your ticket here. We paid the mortgage and my mom paid the HOA every month. You are NOT obligated to hamstring yourself in order to help her; if she cannot keep herself fed, etc. you either call in a caseworker or let her live her life.

    8. Is there something else going on with the independent living community? I would push them and challenge them on the eviction (you are a lawyer, read that contract and check local laws), and also really understand what her care needs are. My guess would be that she may be at the point where she needs to be in a more residential facility than just assisted living, and the community is just pushing her out.

    9. Either she complies with their requests in order to stop the eviction OR she is homeless. I’d tell her, point blank, those are her options. The other options give her a soft place to land and kick the proverbial can down the road of the next issue. Maybe see if she can get a caseworker thru social services? Letting someone be homeless is hard to live with but you know what else is hard to live with? The trauma of a terrible mother.

    10. We had the smoking problem with my mom in assisted living. She was a fox, sneaking cigarettes! We had control of my mother’s money, so she had no cash, and could not buy cigarettes for herself. We gave cartons to the front desk, and she had to go get a cigarette to smoke on the porch. That did not work perfectly, as sometimes she snuck them to her room. Finally she moved to a different facility, no smoking allowed, and they helped her with patches and she stopped smoking. She was angry, and difficult, but it was the best solution. Move her to a place that does not allow smoking, and tell her that cleaning is part of the package deal, and let her struggle it out. OMG, good luck, these situations are just dreadful.

    11. You are not “letting her become homeless.” You provided her a home (!!) which she disrespected and failed to keep up. She is a grown woman who has made terrible choices throughout her long life and now is reaping the consequences of them, including not having a place to live or loving family and friends who will agreeably provide help when it is needed.

      I agree with trying to challenge the eviction, but then you have to decide what your limit is here, and trust yourself enough to set the limit and hold it. Maybe your limit is a check to her for a large amount of money (enough for a house) and saying farewell to her for good. Maybe it’s a mobile home. Maybe it’s a hefty donation to a community service organization and referring her to them. What does your husband want to do?

      1. This is really harsh. Many people become homeless because they’re not mentally or psychologically capable of keeping up a home. Is living on the street a proportionate outcome to failure to maintain a house?

        I would have expected this to be the moment that independent living switches to assisted living, and would not have been expecting eviction.

        1. Of course not, but that’s not the case here. OP’s MIL is actively going against the requirements of the community and housing that OP is paying for. And she’s abusive. I don’t imagine the community pursues eviction for folks that they would gladly move into assisted living (and the higher rent that comes with it).

          1. Yes, I guess what it comes down to is that she’s abusive.

            I hope a lovely person who failed to keep up a home or overcome an addiction in old age would be treated better by an assisted living community!

          2. I agree. The history of abuse and the deliberate choice to violate the rules of the home they already found and paid for are the decision makers.

            I think the first obligation to support DH. how does he feel? does he need a therapist to manage the consequences of the abuse? should he still be in touch with his mother at all?

            Then, as a couple, figure out if and how you can deal with the answers to the above questions in mind. Do NOT deal with her care on a day to day basis; that would be really harmful to DH. His sisters don’t want to be involved for a good reason.

        2. There are a lot of people who struggle to make ends meet. That doesn’t mean there aren’t spendthrifts. There are people who intellectually struggle to get through school. That doesn’t justify someone who flunked out of college after partying too hard. Likewise…..

          The MIL’s flagrant disregard of the rules is bullying. Other people’s rooms will reek of her cigarette smoke; other people will have pest control issues; other people will turn themselves inside out keeping her off the streets; meanwhile, she does what she wants and may even be enjoying the drama and chaos.

          I don’t know what’s going on here; a social worker can refer her for mental health diagnosis and treatment. If there are no underlying mental health issues, the correct response is to wash your hands of her.

    12. She sounds like she makes bad decisions, but that’s nothing new for her. I’d ask her what her plan is now that she’s gotten herself kicked out. I don’t think you can really save a competent (as in, not declared incompetent) adult who is determined to continue their own destructive choices, even if that person was the very best parent ever.

      Given the history, I’d probably just let her know you getting her in that community was helping her. Given that she’s rejected that help by not following the rules, she’s on her own.

  13. Yesterday’s sister inheritance question reminded me of my own predicament. I’m the responsible child and thus my parents are giving me everything because my brother is a failure to launch, who over their/his life has cost them an enormous amount of money. Right now my tentative plan is to set up a trust for my brother that gives him a set amount of money each month, this will ensure he never becomes destitute because he has the impulse control of a child and giving him a lump sum wouldn’t work. Anyone have other ideas that won’t torpedo my relationship with my brother? I’m obviously not obligated to give him money but I want to, in a responsible manner. FWIW he still lives with our parents and is a red seal trade, so he could theoretically get it together.

    1. Are your parents setting up the trust or are they leaving everything to you in the will?

      If you want advice for how to not torpedo your relationship with your brother, have your parents set up the trust and not leave you to do it.

      Here’s my personal story about this type of situation. My brother and father were estranged after my mother’s death. My father was not a nice person, I was always supportive of my brother, didn’t guilt him about when/how long to help with or see our father when his health took a nosedive. My father left everything to me (it was not much). I gave half to my brother of my own volition, but he was so hurt that he was written out, despite it not being surprising, that he’s taken all the hurt and anger out on me and will no longer speak to me or invite me to family holidays, etc.

      1. My parents are leaving everything to me, the trust was my plan sorry if I was unclear. My parents won’t give my brother anything or set up a trust for my brother unless he gets his ish together, which he won’t (he has a victim complex).

    2. Why do you have to continue the pattern of bailing your brother out? I am flummoxed here. Other than failure to launch he is a functional adult?
      If your parents won’t set up a trust for him, then don’t follow in their bailing him out ways and set up a trust for him. If anything set up a trust for yourself so when he sues you to get the money he won’t be able yo get it. If he lives with the parents, he may well refuse to move out, etc, and you may end up spending more of this inheritance money to get him out and keep moving the estate moving towards closure despite his throwing wrenches in the works.

      1. I guess I don’t have to help him but I would feel guilty if I didn’t and I’m honestly afraid if the fall out if I don’t help him, he’s very sociable and popular so our extended family would pick him over me.

        1. So what? Giving him half doesn’t change that. He will be mad that it’s being doled out via trust, or he will be mad that it isn’t everything, or he will be mad that he isn’t getting more when he runs through it.

          You’re going to be the bad guy anyway – be the bad guy with money. Your brother has gotten his inheritance already. Even the Prodigal Son did not get extra after blowing his share (father to responsible son: “everything I have is yours”); there is no reason for your brother to have his hand out.

    3. I am a woman with a very similar brother and I am also the responsible one. I would never want to be responsible for doling out money to my brother because I know he would just push for more, more, more and I would become the target of his anger.

    4. My grandma set up a trust for my aunt with my mom as the trustee in this exact situation. It actually worked very very well over decades.

    5. I have a brother like this. He was on my parents’ payroll until the day my dad died this year when Bro was 62. I divided the estate equally per parents’ wishes, sent him his share (mid five figures) and told him the Bank of Mom and Dad is closed. I am pretty certain he will come around asking for money at some point and I am quite clear that my answer will be “no.” I guess the only difference between my situation and yours is that I stopped caring about the relationship between us many years ago.

    6. Without knowing how much money is involved, the number one thing is talk to an estate attorney. If there is a lot of money potentially involved, then there are tax considerations and honestly, a planning attorney should have already been involved. If not, then it is worthwhile considering how much it is “worth it” to deal with setting up different things versus, if he blows 50k, he blows 50k.

      1. It’s tens of millions. My parents have already dealt with a tax attorney for how this will be transferred to me upon their death (also I’m not American so very different laws).

        1. Oh, my. Well that is a whole ‘nother kettle of fish. If there’s enough money for him not to work, then it does seem like the path of least resistance is to set him up with an income and have done with it.

        2. In that case, find a trust/estates attorney who works with high net worth individuals and say exactly what you said here.

          With that amount, I would also have the trust professionally managed so we has to talk to some firm about the money, rather than you. Your interactions can be just brother-sister.

        3. This may already by part of your plan, but I would still recommend that you to talk to your own lawyer (or your parents’ lawyer) about the trust. Obviously I don’t know where you live, but at least in the US, you could be treated as having made a taxable gift to your brother (using a portion of your exemption amount) depending on how the trust is structured.

        4. Not a lawyer so my terminology may be off, but in that case I’d get what I understand to be an irrevocable trust and get a third party to manage it. A lot of old timey banks (think: Pleasantville Trust & Co…) can do this and I’m sure lots of other places, too, probably attorneys. We were going to do this for MIL and wash our hands of her fully after FIL passed. It was 100% worth the fee the third-party manager/trustee/whatever they were called were going to cost annually. Didn’t end up doing it for very unrelated reasons but it was the perfect solution – she got a monthly allowance from a third party person and she got to petition them for anything over/above.

    7. I’m the OP from yesterday. The responses were thoughtful, and I’m grateful for them.

      What resonated for me is that people pointed out that my parents have not told my sister that she’ll receive less and have left that responsibility to me. Based on the experiences others shared yesterday, that will likely result in harm to my relationship with the affected sister. (My friends who practice probate law confirmed this, too.) I’m going to do my best to talk my parents out of this because they may actually be receptive to the effect it’ll have on me.

      It sounds as if your parents will be opposed to setting up a spendthrift trust for your brother because they have already decided that he’ll get nothing. Maybe they‘ll reconsider if it will cause havoc between you and your brother? Or maybe they’ll reconsider if they know your plan and that you or the estate will have tax consequences that won’t exist if a spendthrift trust is established first. (My guess from the phrase “red seal trade”is that you are in Canada? Hopefully, you have friends who practice law in this area and can give you a general idea how this could be structured — and whether a spendthrift trust is even legally viable where you live.)

      1. My parents havent told my brother he’ll get nothing, he would make their lives miserable if they had that conversation so I’m assuming that’s why they haven’t told him. My brother has lived his whole life with a silver spoon and never really intended to have a career, he’s so offended my parents won’t buy him a house even though they paid for a whopping 3 educations.

    8. I saw this first hand.

      when the last of 2 parents passed, he actually got a job. through a connection and at the wake but he’s been employed at a grocery store for 10 years since.

  14. Has anyone sponsored anyone they knew personally (as opposed to professionally) for SDNY admission? A close family friend is a junior attorney. Her firm is encouraging junior associates to get admitted to SDNY/EDNY, but the firm is not arranging it or coordinating sponsors.

    My concern is that it will be evident from the sponsor’s affidavit that I have a personal relationship with her because the affidavit requires you to complete the sentence: “I have know the petitioner since [Month, Year]” and I’ve known her since she was born!

    The rest of the sponsor affidavit requires me to state that she is personally known to me (check) and possesses the qualifications, as well as the professional character, required for admission to the SDNY. Although I haven’t worked with her, I know her well – better than some junior associates I sponsored for admission through my previous firm – so I think I’m comfortable with this as well, but wanted to see if I should instead urge her to find someone at her firm that has known her a year and is willing to sponsor her?

    1. In my district those are just pro forma, I had partners just sign off. I understand the firm not coordinating it, mine didn’t, it’s the kind of thing you figure out. If she asked you, I’d just fill it out and sign and wouldn’t think much past that, but perhaps NY is different.

      1. My firm didn’t coordinate it, but I just used another attorney at the firm. I went in the website, saw who was admitted to that district, and picked someone I know to ask. It would have been weird for the firm to be like partner X is sponsoring you, imo.

        Having said that, I would have no concerns about sponsoring someone I knew personally.

    2. I would do this for someone I know and trust in a heart beat. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

    3. I don’t know about NY, but in the state where I was admitted there were several parents who sponsored their own child. So I think this is normal and not an issue, unless there’s some quirk to the NY procedure I don’t know about (which is possible).

      1. This is what happens in my state too. My uncle moved my admission to the bar. We did have to list character witnesses who were other attorneys not related to us, so I couldn’t list him on that. But maybe NY is different.

    5. I think it’s just not a big deal at all. I got sponsored by an associate who had known me like a month because he had free time in his schedule for the appearance. I think it’s nice she asked you.

      1. oh sorry that is not SDNY specific vs. the general bar, but people view it more casually than you are.

    7. You seem to be a more appropriate person to sponsor her than someone she barely knows but who works at the same firm.

  15. I got halfway through September just fine but now I’m preemptively dreading months of shorter days and cold temps. Last winter I got hit by SAD in a way I had never before thanks to some upsetting family issues and an unusually cold and cloudy spring. Spring and early summer girl here, sorry autumn girls.

    Trying to stay present and embrace the seasons this year – so if you struggle dreading the upcoming shorter colder days, what helps keep your spirits up?

    I’m probably, definitely leaning too much on small purchases atm but the scented candles, halloween lights and mini snicker bars are keeping me present in fall and not laying on the floor dreading February. I went out to the bird sanctuary yesterday, the first ‘crisp’ day so far, and did some photography.

    I’ve been trying to find a group to join that does in person meetings as a way to keep active socially in the winter but nothing feels like the right fit – either the group meets at a location or neighborhood that’s a hike and a half to get too, have fees that are too $$$ to attend regularly (particularly model and studio fees for drawing groups and art classes – I wish there were more experienced/non beginner arts classes as well. I’m skilled, but I still like the structure of a class) or meet during the work day (book club and knitting group at the local library). I wish there were more ‘third spaces’ that had semi/structured activities (that meet more than the third Tuesday each month but only if Marcy the Organizer is available and it’s not raining) for working adults that were lower or no cost to attend.

    1. Do you already have a UV light? I have a cheapie at my desk and it makes a huge difference during the dark and short days.

    2. Oddly, the Sierra Club was a good place for me to get that regular social contact. But I also need an antidepressant and a SAD lamp. And vitamin D.

    3. I loooove fall. I do struggle in winter, however. The things that help me the most are 1) getting outdoors, no matter what, even if it’s for 10 minutes; 2) having projects to work on; 3) making plans with friends; and 4) planning a vacation for early March, when I just can’t do it anymore. A trip doesn’t always happen, but it does make a difference!

      Another thought: Join the local YMCA? A workout class, followed by a trip to the hot tub, can really break up a long day.

      1. +1 – exercise in general helps (and I say this as someone who hates exercise), but I find that doing it as a 1X or 2X per week class is best, it forces me to go. And especially +1 to the Y suggestion, because I find that going to a smaller, local gym with more of a community vibe is what I like. I don’t get any joy from anonymous treadmill running at a place like planet fitness.

      2. Adding to the ‘vacation for early March’ thing, I concentrate my annual leave into autumn, winter, and spring, when I really need it. So I’m on holiday in the sunshine this week, not having had more than 1-2 days off at a time since March, then I have another week in November, ten days at the end of the year, and I’ll take time in February and March as well probably.

    4. Do you have any interest in volunteering? Maybe you could find somewhere local to you in your line of interest. It’ll provide social benefit and something to look forward to.

    5. I am exactly the same way. I have never liked fall and have always hated winter past Christmas. This probably sounds extra but the absolute best thing I do for SAD is go to South Beach Miami for a weekend in January or February. Literally the moment I step off the plane I can feel my mood lifting. I just sit on a beach chair and absorb the sun for a couple days and it restores me like nothing else. It can be pricey but I usually just do Friday to Monday and stay at a basic hotel. If you can swing it, I highly, highly recommend.

    6. Idk if this is a solution, but I’ve found that a neighborhood bar, like one that people actually use as their third space, can be a good option for this. Just when you have to get out of the house for a bit.

    7. I took up skiing and last year we bought a hot tub. I now love winter! At least most of the time :).

    8. planning travel to change up the rut of dark days, some of which embraces the cold (skiing, hot tubs) and some of which escapes it (hello Caribbean).

    10. Winter is hard for me, and the last two were BRUTAL because of the pandemic.

      I am getting boostered and doing all the things. I have a tropical vacation booked for February. I will book a short weekend somewhere warm in December.

      My library has evening groups. if your library only has daytime groups, email them so they know evenings could have done interest.

  16. Does anyone use a voice/calling tool that they like for work? Calling, forwarding, voicemail and even texting options via computer rather than phone?

  17. We’re looking at taking a long weekend trans-Atlantic jaunt to go to a German Christmas market this year. Any votes for which one?

    3. I’d look at what airports you can fly to directly and what cities are easy to reach from there as a starting point. I thought Hamburg was excellent, though!

      1. We lived in Hamburg and I absolutely loved all the satellite markets. You can start at the big, main market and explore the city by going to all the little ones. Hamburg is one of the most underrated cities in Europe, in my opinion. More canals and bridges than Amsterdam or Venice. It’s stunning.

    4. I did the German Christmas markets in 2019. Nuremberg is the gold standard and the most traditional. I absolutely loved it, although I had been to Nuremberg before and knew my way around. Nuremberg is also a fabulous city in general (and if you are a lawyer, you can visit the courtroom where the Nuremberg trials took place). I also went to a very small market in Esslingen with relatives, one in Ulm (very cool, more medieval style), and one in Frankfurt (too modern for my taste). Drink plenty of gluhwein, eat roasted nuts, and have fun!

    5. I love smaller ones that feel more authentic than markets in the big cities (though those can also be fun!) but the nice thing about Germany is that the trains are so good that wherever you fly into you can probably get a train to a smaller city/town for a day for a taste. I’ve flown to Berlin and then trained to Wernigerode and done markets around there, and flown to Brussels and taken the train to Aachen, which is also easy to get to from Cologne. I really wanted to go to Monschau, which looked adorable, but wasn’t able to get there on my trip. I’ve had friends who loved Nuremberg. I think its hard to go wrong – enjoy!

    6. Lived in Germany many years ago. You really can’t go wrong anywhere if you want to visit Christmas markets.

      That said, Nürnberg is probably the most well known and very much worth it! I still yearn for the Glühwein gummy bears that I had there so many years ago. You can get there from Frankfurt (the busiest airport), but it’s also an easy train ride from Munich, which is gorgeous during the holidays and has a beautiful market of its own. And pretty much every city in Bavaria has its own market. Some of the ones I liked were: Augsburg, Regensberg, Landshut, Passau, Garmisch-Partenkirchen, and Dachau. Although not in Bavaria, someone mentioned Ulm, which is also a beautiful city and Market that’s a brief train ride from Munich. (Check out Alois Dallmayr if you go to Munich. It’s a massive and ornate food market and restaurant in the old center of Munich and they get into Christmas spirit.)

      If you want snow with your Christmas market, Munich is more likely than the other big cities to have snow, and Garmisch-Partenkirchen (at the foot of the Alps) should have snow in mid December.

  18. I’m looking for a holy grail eyeliner pencil that both stays put, but has enough give to allow for smudging right after applying. I love the longevity of the Estee Lauder pencil but once it’s on, it’s on, and I can’t smudge it fast enough. I’ve tried Urban Decay, and that stuff was a mess and left me with raccoon eyes every time. I’m in my early 40s and liquids have started looking very harsh on me. For everyday, I usually just use eyeshadow, but I like having the option of something more defining for special occasions.

    1. Ooh, I don’t need the smudging – could you tell me which EL pencil? And I concur on the UD pencil! I do NOT understand the love – it goes everywhere!

      I’m still searching for my holy grail eyeliner pencil. The Almay Intense Gel is the best I’ve found – seems to perform as well as high-end ones but for a drugstore price – but I’d love one that keeps an intense color all day long. (Like you, with aging, I’ve switched from black to brown, and the brown seems to fade too much during the day.)

      1. It’s the Double Wear Infinite Waterproof pencil and truly does not budge. I have worn the Espresso color and it doesn’t fade like lots of browns. (Yeah, my black eyeliner days are OVER.)

    3. I use darker eyeshadow crayons for a soft smudgy eyeliner look. Bobbi Brown or Laura Mercier. Both give you a decent amount of time to blend but then really stay.

      1. oh, if you want something more precise, Clinique’s quickliner, though it isn’t quite as foolproof for being “set” all day.

      2. I like the Bobbi Brown shadow sticks too. They go on smudgy so you don’t have to smudge.

    5. I am a big fan of luxury makeup, but for this you can’t beat the Boots No 7 eye pencil that is wood and you can sharpen it. Stays in place but will smudge with a finger or a stiff flat brush.

    6. I like the Stila smudge stick. Does exactly what it says on the tin! Plus it’s a twist up liner so no worries about keeping track of a pencil sharpener

  19. Going to a wedding in northern MI this Saturday. Temp will be in the 60’s and reception is outdoors at a vineyard (whyyyyyyy????) There will be heat lamps, but what kind of wedding-appropriate outfit will keep me warm?

    1. Those cute faux fur shawls from Amazon that cost about $35 and come in a dozen colours.

    4. That sounds nice to me, to be honest. 60’s isn’t very cold so you could do a long or long sleeve dress. Bring a wrap or a coat if you get chilly.

      1. 60s is NBD, but it will be much colder at night with the days getting shorter. It’s already down to the 40s at night here in Chicago. Northern Michigan will be even colder!

        1. And if there’s a breeze? Forget about it!
          OP, I second the LJ rec and also tearing up the dance floor to warm up if needed.

    5. I run cold and would be chilly, too! I vote for a long maxi dress and some sort of cute topper, like a moto jacket.

    6. I’d think about your footwear. Chilly feet will make your whole body cold. Can you wear cute booties or at least bring them to put on at night? And second the leather jacket suggestion, you’ll need that or certainly more than a shawl for the evening

    7. Shawls. Long sleeve dress.

      A tumblr of Michigan whiskey.

      Or just embrace Up North and bring a Buffalo plaid flannel jacket.

  20. Just your regular reminder to do the thing. I’d been putting off something for WEEKS and it just took me 15 minutes and now I can stop moving it from day to day on my to-do list.

    3. I paid two medical bills last night. Not large amounts, but I had put them off. Now they are off the to-do list!

    4. I did the work thing earlier today after almost 2 months of putting it off and now I want to throw a party/take the rest of the day off haha

    5. Done! Just submitted $2500 worth of health care reimbursements! Woo hoo!!

  21. I may have gotten somewhat overexcited at a very good sale at the grocery store yesterday, and now I have … 40? pork chops in the freezer. Some bone in, some boneless. Does anyone have any favourite recipes beyond sous vide & grill?

    3. switch up your marinade. I love apple cider, cayenne, and a little brown sugar. Marinate overnight and reserve a little clean marinade to also brush over some apple slices to grill.

      I also love balsamic vinegar, brown sugar, salt, rosemary and garlic as a grill marinade on pork.

    5. Budget Bytes has done some super interesting pan sauces with pork chops – Blackberry Sage would be delish for fall!

    6. I see my father has found this board!

      No recipe advice, but if you aren’t freezing in the original packaging, be sure to label them. Because thawing out mystery meat for dinner 3 months from now is not as exciting as your grandkids think it might be.

    7. It isn’t fancy, but we cut boneless pork chops into small strips and they work well in a stir-fry with sliced bell peppers, onions, snow peas, water chestnuts and a little pineapple, plus an orange-soy glaze sauce in the pan. Also you could use them to make Vietnamese caramelized pork — usually made with pork butt so adjust the cooking times for a leaner meat.

    9. Pork wienerschnitzel for the boneless chops. Flatten them with a mallet, cover in breading, fry them up, and serve with lemon wedges.

    1. Love! And I swear at least 60% of my high school wardrobe came from contempo casuals!

    1. Dark brown is more versatile for me. Dark brown looks better with most colors than black, which can be a harsh contrast, and also looks good with black and grey IMO (though some may disagree).

    2. facing your quandary I bought both, but the wear patterns reveal I wear the black far more often. I suspect bc they work with black tights for work, black leggings & long sweaters for play.

      The brown I wore more when skinnies & tall boots was on trend since I liked the look with denim.

    4. I like a lighter, honey-brown over black, and black over a darker coffee-brown. I find the light brown is most versatile and it keeps me from looking like Johnny Cash when the rest of my outfit is all black.

    5. I had light brown and black for years and wore the black ones out and replaced several times before the light brown ones. I loved the light brown but they were much harder to style with anything other than over jeans. I bought chocolate brown boots once and donated them two years later having worn them only 2-3 times. My wardrobe is mostly black based but I had lots of navy based things back then. Perhaps if you wear a lot of earth tones you would have a different experience with brown.

  24. Is a double bed big enough for a (second) guest room? Our main guest room has a Queen but we have an extra double bed and I’d like to use it for the other guest room. TIA!

    2. My husband and I cannot sleep in a double bed, just cannot. A double bed is actually called a full bed–for one adult to sleep in. A twin is for one child, a full is for an adult, a queen is for two adults, and a king is for two adults who have room for such a bed. Since you have a queen for guests, a double sounds good, but it you want to sleep two couples, and have room for a queen, a queen would be better. I have strong feelings about this, but, I am an outlier on this I think. We once slept in bunk beds instead of a full bed–a good nights sleep is priceless!

      1. Eh my husband and I are both XL in our respective size ranges, and we can sleep in a double just fine. It’s a second guest room. If the double bed means they will think twice about staying for more than a couple of nights, that’s not a big, it’s a feature.

      2. I also cannot sleep in a full size bed with another person comfortably.

        That being said, OP since you already have the full size bed, I think it would be ok to put it in a secondary guest room. How often to you anticipate having two couples staying with you at the same time? If the answer is frequently, then I might reconsider my stance. If the answer is rarely, then the full size bed will be totally fine.

        1. This. A full bed might not be fine for every night or on a long vacation but I think they can deal for a night or two. Or get a hotel room!

    3. I think that sounds fine, especially since its a second bedroom. I definitely think 2 people can sleep on a full bed, but maybe lean towards using it for kids instead of a couple I guess.

      1. My ex-H and I slept in a full sized bed for 10 years, and 2 years after upgraded to a Queen we separated. Clearly the enforced closeness of the full bed was necessary for our relationship!! (joking of course)

        OP, sounds totally fine to me

    5. Husband and I are fairly average. He’s about 5.9 and I’m 5.5. We sleep on a double for a week on my in laws.
      We have a queen in the guest room and a fold out double in my office as a backup.

    6. It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than a hotel and a heck of a lot more comfortable than the couch or the floor. Anybody who isn’t happy with it is welcome to take advantage of one of those alternatives.

      2. Exactly. Our guest room has a full-sized bed because that’s all that fits. No one has yet dared to complain.

    7. Perfectly fine! I would tell prospective guests about the bed size so they can decide for themselves whether they’re ok with it. It’s perfect if you’re hosting a couple with a kid, or a couple that insists on “king or separate beds.” And then some couples are ok sharing that size – we started off marriage sharing a double bed, and although we’ve since moved to a queen, we make do in a double when visiting family.

    9. It’s fine. DH and I slept in a double for the first 4 years we lived together.

  25. I’m sure this has been asked a million times recently, but what in the world are people wearing to casual offices now? Jeans/decent top acceptable. Even fancy sneakers.
    I’ve got a couple of in person team meetings in 3 weeks. Casual office, but I’m a mid level manager in my mid 30s. Size 10ish and slight pear.

    1. I work in downtown manhattan. From what I see on the street, it seems like everyone is either wearing very on-trend outfits with wide/straight leg jeans and sneakers etc, or wearing whatever they wore to the office in 2019. I don’t really see much in between.

    2. Maybe I’m a fuddy duddy but since you’re a manager, I’d try to dress like one. Pants or dark wash jeans, flats, a blouse or nice tee, then some sort of topper – casual blazer/collarless blazer, sweater jacket, nicer cardigan or hoodie. It’s an unremarkable manager type outfit that no one will look twice at, which is the point.

    3. I am seeing a lot of nice straight-leg jeans (dark wash, gray, black, no rips), plain t-shirt, blazer, fashion sneakers or loafers.

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