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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Fiona Wide-Leg Pants

A woman wearing a cream-colored top, black wide-leg pants, and black sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If you’ve been looking for a perfect wide-leg pant, look no further. This pair from Favorite Daughter has a touch of stretch, a high rise that’s not too high, and POCKETS. Plus, they’re machine washable.

Sadly, they only seem to come in black, otherwise I’d be advising everyone to buy them in multiple colors.

The pants are $228 at Nordstrom and come in sizes 2–12. If you’re looking for slightly extended sizes, they’re also available directly on the Favorite Daughter website in sizes 0–18.

Sales of note for 12.5

420 Comments

  1. i have a cropped version of these with an elastic back waist from JCF. They are washable and I also throw them in the dryer. I am 5-4, so they are ankle-length on me vs really cropped. I cannot say enough good things about my pants. They look like regular pants from the front and if I wear a jacket or sweater, the elastic back isn’t noticeable in a formal setting (and would likely be OK in 2023 in any other setting).

    2. I’ve been wearing more wide legs lately too, and enjoying it. I try to get full length but am not always successful as I’m tall and long of leg.

    3. OP might be referring to the Jamie pant at J Crew Factory. For me they’re more of a straight leg but they are indeed magical. Tall sizes too.

      1. OP — I’m back! I got the pants in the store, so I didn’t note the name, but it appears to be the Janie (which I just ordered in pink and am bummed that the navy is sold out in my side). I used to have washable work pants from Talbots years ago and had 2 colors and they were pennies for wear by the time I was done with them.

        1. I’m still buying Talbots pants on ebay because they do last forever. There’s a lot of stuff on there that people have never worn (bought the wrong size, I’m guessing – lord knows I’ve done it) that is back before they changed to what they’re doing now, which I don’t like as well.

  2. Happy Tuesday! I’m looking for a good spot for a 3-4 day weekend trip in August or September for me, spouse and two kids (3 and 1). I think a golf resort with pools and some activities for little kids could be the best thing for this trip as it would have something for everyone. Husband and I are both foodies but we’re not looking for that on this trip, more just some ability to relax and let ourselves/the kids have a good time. We’re traveling from Chicago but could drive or fly, both kids are good travelers. No real budget. Any favorites or recommendations? I’ve traveled quite a bit but never this kind of trip and it’s hard to tell which of the many options out there would be great (Kiawah? Hilton Head? Something closer to home?). Thanks for any recs!

    1. don’t forget the Wisconsin Dells near you or St. Joseph area in Michigan

      Hilton Head is good but may either hot or hurricane that time of year, just like anywhere south or along the gulf. I mean, the chance of your specific dates being hurricane is low, but the chance of flights or weather being affected is… not low.
      mountains like Nashville or Asheville area? or rent a car from Atlanta to North Georgia or Alabama mountains?

      of course New England and Poconos area also is beautiful around then

      1. Nashville will be insanely hot that time of year. And frankly there is nothing specific to Nashville that is worth it for kids. As a resident, I would pass.

        1. I think she may have suggested it because it has a great food scene for the adults. But I agree, not in August.

          1. Nashville resident– we have a great food scene, but it is absolutely not kid-friendly.

      2. Harbor County, Michigan would be great for this. They don’t have resorts but a lot of cute small towns, plenty of parks, decent restaurants, and the beaches on Lake Michigan are really nice. Plus, only a couple hours from Chicago. I’ve heard good things about Holland too.

    2. Kiawah sounds like exactly what you’re looking for although I imagine August is pretty hot – September is probably better. I’d also look at Montage Palmetto Bluff. It’s supposed to be really nice, but it’s super pricey (like $1k+ per night). Maybe do a night in Charleston or Savannah for the adults to get great food?

      I love coastal New England and August is a great time of year to visit, but I think it’s harder to find the type of resort you’re looking for there, and the best parts (Acadia in Maine, Nantucket, etc.) tend to be pretty hard to get to, so not really worth it unless you can go for a full week.

      I would not do the Dells if you can afford to fly somewhere. I also live near Chicago and we went to the Dells once and were extremely unimpressed and have no desire to go back.

      1. We went to Kiawah almost every August of my childhood – it was generally highs around 85-90 but the breeze on the beach made it totally fine, and the water was the perfect temp – warm enough to be relaxing, cool enough to be refreshing. It’s ideal for what the OP wants IMHO. It used to be the villa-condo type properties only did weekly rentals but I think they’re more flexible now. The main pool area has a big splash pad section, etc.

    3. We went on a family trip to Hilton Head in August and it was perfect – golf, beach, pool. That time of year the ocean was so warm so it was perfect for swimming.

    4. Primland in southwestern VA would be nice that time of year — you could fly to Charlotte and it’s about a 2 hour drive from there. Pricey, though!

      1. I live in CKT and have never heard of Primland before. How does it compare to somewhere like The Greenbriar? What I’d love is somewhere with restaurants that isn’t hot as blazes with a lot of in-site hiking. I’m sick of camping (thanks, COVID) and want a nice place and a restaurant and a nice bar to Sean around at at the end of an active day. Pool would be nice also.

        1. Never been to the Greenbriar, but I assume the Greenbriar is similar to the Homestead which I have stayed at. I think they have a similar feel in terms of being luxurious resorts in rural areas, but Primland is much more modern (it’s not a historic property) and maybe more focused on outdoor activities — lots of hiking, clay shooting, fishing and golf. Good food, for sure, and I don’t think the same dress codes that you have at Greenbriar or Homestead (if I recall correctly…it’s been a while :).

          1. The Greenbrier is a weird stuffy 1950s hotel that does not fit into its natural surroundings. The food is mediocre and the service is terrible. Not sure how the Homestead or Primland compares to that, but I definitely would not classify the Greenbrier as luxurious in any way, except for the prices.

    5. Wild Dunes resort outside of Charleston, but I’d recommend late September rather than August. Also, it is hurricane season so definitely get trip insurance. But you’d have a direct flight, great family resort, and access to good food.

      1. Jumping off this, do you think Wild Dunes would be a good resort for a multi-generational Christmas vacation? (3 in their 70s, 2 30s, and 2 preschoolers) Looks like the average highs are low 60s in December, which sounds good for golf and tennis.

        1. I think it will be crickets. Highly seasonal area. I could be wrong and admit I’ve never been there at Christmas, but a good friend lives on Sullivan’s and has said as much about the general area. But, if you’re willing to cook in and otherwise be low key, maybe?

        2. Disclosure – we have a house in WD. Yes, definitely a great place for multi-generational vacations. There can be cold snaps (this past Christmas Eve it got down to 14 and we had pipes burst, good times) so don’t count on mild weather, but very often it’s mild in December/January.

      2. I agree with Wild Dunes, and late September rather than August (this goes for anywhere in the South. August is HOT down here). Or Sea Island or Kiawah.

        1. I went to Wild Dunes third week of August last year (me, DH and 4 year old) and it was perfectly fine. I’m from Boston fwiw. Inland was stifling – the airport was insanely hot when we walked out to our car, but WD/IOP/Sullivan’s got a sea breeze plus pools and beach, I’d go back 100% without a question that time of year. Biggest concern was a hurricane, which you can’t control obviously, but we did just fine.

    6. Check out Broadmoor outside Denver or Mohonk outside New York. Will follow with a link to family friendly resorts

    7. My family visited Kiawah last summer as part of a generally great 10-day trip that also included Charleston and Savannah. We didn’t enjoy Kiawah. The island is a gated community. There is one resort hotel inside the gates, which is probably nice, and I’m sure the golf courses are also nice. We stayed at a different hotel just outside the gates and had access to the only public beach in the area. That would’ve been OK, but a large condo development or hotel was unfortunately under construction right next to that beach, which pretty much ruined the atmosphere. Not recommended. We didn’t like the overall vibe — very, very stodgy and “under glass.” Our daughter said she felt like she was on the set of Get Out.

      1. FWIW the rest of the island is, while a popular second-home location for well-off families so you’re not totally wrong about the vibe, very quiet and super family-friendly. The Sanctuary is lovely although I’ve only dined there and stayed in the low-rise condo type rentals scattered around the middle of the island. Those might actually be better with little kids, since they’re near a large pool complex with a splash park.

      1. The Ojai Valley Inn and Country Club is fabulous and you can do a side trip to Hearst Castle, which the kids will love.

    9. For a short time, I prefer to drive and stay closer to home to maximize the time off. Is there a lake house kind of area close to Chicago? That’s what I’d look for.

      1. I second the American Club in Kohler. We had our family reunion there one year, and it had something for everyone. The spa and fishing were amazing. We also did a trip to the design museum. Be forewarned – if you have any little boys with you, they will be fascinated and spend the next year recounting the history of the toilet to anyone who will listen. It was about 1 1/2 or 2 hours from O’Hare.

    12. Thank you all! These are super helpful, great recs and I’m digging into all of them.

    14. Milwaukee mom here – That’s such a great time of year in the upper midwest that I’d do something drivable rather than get on a plane w/ toddlers for 3-4 nights. I second Door County (but go in late August or September to avoid the worst of the crowds). If you do that, stop on the way there or back at Bay Beach in Green Bay, which has fantastic little rides for small kids for like 25 cents a ride. The American Club is great, but not especially kid friendly. If you’re not looking for super fancy but reasonably nice, the Ostohoff is great and quite kid-friendly – various pools, a small beach, and I think some kids’ club type activities. And Grand Geneva is great as well.

      1. This is the perfect time for Up North Wisconsin – Minocqua, Manitowish Waters, Eagle River…

    15. You might like to look into a VRBO at Keeowee Key (not sure I spelled that right), a gated lake community near Clemson, SC (you would fly into Greeneville, SC). There’s a lot to do, and the owners of two-bedroom condos on the lake are permitted to short-term rent out their homes. Golfing, swimming pools (plus swimming in the lake), various aquatic rentals, hiking or walks “off campus” that little ones could handle (including driving up to the top of nearby mountains and walking around and looking at beautiful views).

  3. I’m the poster from last week with hip pain. It’s looking like I’m going to be down for a while so any recommendations for hobbies I can take up to fill the time? I will lean into reading and light yoga, but I would love some ideas that will get me moving without hip involvement or at least get me outside as we go into summer. Bonus points if it is a hobby that’s productive or that makes it easy to set a goal I can achieve.

    2. You’re asking too much from hobbies. It’s okay to just have fun. If swimming is ok that’s obviously a great one. Or I love the idea of taking up water color painting outside at pretty spots with a good chair.

      1. It’s probably an issue I should take up with my therapist, but I find that I do best when I have something outside of work where I can focus on a goal and working toward something, otherwise I get way too fixated on work. Also I should have mentioned I cannot stand being submerged in water so swimming is a big no for me.

          2. Just a thought, but to an anonymous internet stranger, your need for goal setting in all parts of your life sounds like a bug not a feature. The only way you get better at something is to practice doing it, right? So maybe this injury is the opportunity to practice doing activities with no discernable or measurable achievement attached to them.

          3. ” your need for goal setting in all parts of your life sounds like a bug not a feature.”

            Yeah…I know everyone is different, but this sounds kind of exhausting to me, TBH. I garden, and I definitely do not have a “goal” for gardening other than to…enjoy gardening. I plant stuff, it looks nice, maybe I get a few tomatoes, but whatever happens is fine. Ditto with making jewelry, reading books, riding my bike, or my other hobbies. I have a job that requires a lot of intense project management and tracking of progress toward goals, and doing that kind of stuff in my personal life feels too much like work, or like my job is spilling over into stuff I’m ostensibly doing for fun.

          4. I am serious about my hobbies and only work because I have to support my family and pay for those hobbies. Maybe it’s different for me because my primary hobby was at one time my actual job, but I find it very satisfying to be completely devoted to making progress in something that is meaningful to me and to others.

        2. I accept the criticism and don’t disagree with you, but the injury has been a big blow mentally and I don’t think now is the ideal time to work through this issue. I think the best way for me to deal is to pour myself into something else for a while.

          1. I’ve been doing pottery for almost a year now. I go to a studio, so it gets you out of the house. You get to make stuff and it’s tactile, both just deeply satisfying for the soul. I am still a beginner, but more and more am coming up with things I want to make, techniques I see (either looking at others’ pieces in the studio, or watching the pottery version of the Bakeoff) that I want to try, and that is sort of like setting goals with varying levels of ambition.
            Depending on the nature of your injury, I would not start with the pottery wheel, because it can be hard on your lower back (or maybe my technique is just not good enough yet). But there are so many impressive and cute things you can build by hand, and you can see progress more easily, in my opinion, for handbuilding. And if you are trying to sign up for a class, they are usually not so hard to get into.

    3. Are you able to swim or do water sports (kayaking, SUP?). Would hiking aggravate the hip?

      If you have a yard: gardening or other yard work (building or revamping a patio or deck)? A vegetable garden would make me feel productive.

      Birdwatching (not my cup of tea, but my uncle got very into it when he had cancer and couldn’t bike like he normally does).

      Camping?

      1. Also, are you able to lift? I started lifting last year, love it, it’s active and it’s easy to have goals and track my progression

    4. Photography? Knitting? Needlepoint? Woodworking? Wood carving? Furniture refinishing? Each allows you to set a goal or two and to work towards improvement.

      1. I second needlepoint. There’s a learning curve but once you get into it it can be quite meditative. Listening to audio books while needlepointing is a double win. I usually stick to small projects because I too like the the sense of accomplishment when finishing something. Good luck!

      1. I don’t have one yet as I’m waiting for my appointment next week, but I am preparing for the worst as even best case I won’t be running again for weeks. For now I am avoiding anything except walking and my PT exercises.

        1. Depending upon what your diagnosis is, I recommend you get into swimming and things that are much nicer on your joints with time. Running is so rough on the body long term.

          You could look into other things that help you relax/deal with stress (since running is such a great stress release for many people and can be a type of meditation and losing that for awhile could be rough). Anything from mindfulness/reading/podcasts/more yoga/music. Love the idea of learning something new… an instrument, a language, take an online class, learn to cook, finally optimize your finances/retirement plan and optimize everything $ related. And finally, are you doing any volunteering? There are always projects/goals in most organizations, and you may also start pick-up on the day to day satisfaction with helping others and getting outside of your own world a bit.

    6. Sorry to hear that Summer Hobbies. Prior to my hip replacement I really enjoyed kayaking, but you’ll want calm inland lakes rather than more challenging rivers or ocean, which are hard on the hip and leg muscles.

    7. I never sweat and pant as much as I when I’m gardening – get your mind out of the gutter, everyone, I mean the kind with dirt and plants and weeds. Do you have a little plot of land you can work?

    9. I posted last week. I was a runner who had surgery for a torn labrum, and I had several months – by choice- between diagnosis and surgery. I highly recommend doing pre-op PT and starting to lift weights as I did both and saw the benefits of both. My doc recommended the pre-op PT, which addressed glutes and hamstrings, primarily. I learned a lot of the same exercises that I did post-op and that I still do today many years later to help keep my lower body balanced and my hips well aligned. I also started lifting weights because I mentally needed some kind of exercise. It also turned out to be something that gave me a goal to achieve, as you describe it, and having more strength really helped post-op when I was on crutches and having to move around on one leg. If you are going to have surgery, I cannot recommend increasing upper body strength enough. All of that said, neither of these activities ever gave me the awesome runner’s high feeling that a great cardio workout does. I had to wait until I recovered from my surgery to run and go to spin classes again. I did use the elliptical because it was approved; it’s also super boring, but it will get you some cardio and sweaty.

  4. Fave website to buy preloved luxury bags? There’s so many options and this is my first time going this route! Thx!

      1. I also buy from The RealReal. I know people say there are problems with fakes getting through their vetting process, but in the NYT article the other day about designer dupe handbags, it seems like the fakes are sometimes so good even people who work for the luxury brand can’t tell the difference between the knockoff bag and a real one. I’ve bought a Gucci and a Bottega from TRR and if they’re fake – I certainly can’t tell.

        1. I buy mid tier and I’m not too worried about it. Bottega is the someday goal for me!

    3. If this is your first time, I’d stick with something where you can return stuff. Fashionphile is good. However, you won’t get any amazing deals there. Once you are more comfortable with risk, I’ve had great luck on ebay. I’ve also bought one on the realreal.

  5. I like to put house plants in pots on the windowsills in my house, but I’ve noticed those reddish, rough-textured ceramic saucers that go under the pots tend to damage the finish on the window trim. I just got some new windows, and I really don’t want to damage the new trim. Is there some kind of disk I can put under the plant pots to protect the wood? Like a coaster I guess, but for plants instead of drinks. I’m envisioning silicone or pretty ceramic tile, but it doesn’t have to be that. I figure this item must exist, but I don’t know what it would be called, so my google searches haven’t been helpful so far. Thank you in advance!

    2. You may need a glazed or otherwise waterproof saucer. Unglazed pots and saucers absorb water and can transfer it to the surface below. If the issue is just scratches and not water damage, you can put stick-on cork or felt pads on the bottom of your saucer.

    7. I’ve seen large cork coasters in the garden section at Home Depot. I’ve used dinner plates myself.

    8. Terracotta pots are not a great choice for indoor plants for exactly the reason you mention – terracotta is porous and will mark furniture, windowsills, etc. You need pots with a glazed exterior, at minimum, and either plastic or ceramic saucers underneath the pots. Your local Lowe’s or Home Depot should have plenty of options. I have seen terracotta saucers that are glazed, or glazed on one side, but every time I go to Lowe’s there are lots and lots of plastic and glazed ceramic pots that will work just as well, and you don’t have to mess with the terracotta at all. FWIW, I have about 20 houseplants; the only terracotta pots I own are outside. We have hard water and over time the terracotta pots develop a mineral “patina” on the outside from leaching that I don’t find desirable or attractive inside the house.

    9. The dollar store, and gardening centers, sell plastic dishes to put the pots in. They will protect the wood from the bottom of the pots and from any accidental overwatering. They come in different sizes.

      1. I would not use cork — if you overwater it will absorb water and leave stains on your windowsills.

        In addition to what everyone said, I use small melamine trays to hold plants on bookshelves.

        1. The cork coasters meant for houseplants have cork on top and some sort of solid material on the bottom. They don’t leak through.

    12. They make cork pads specifically to put under saucers. You’ll find them wherever the houseplants are at your local nursery or home improvement store.

    13. I have bamboo plant tray things under my plants but they were pricier than I wanted ($8 each!). A plant stand in front of the window might be an option here. Or just cut felt to fit and hot glue it on?

    14. Thank you all! There are some good ideas here. The cork ones sound perfect for now, and over time I’ll get different pots as Anon at 10:48 suggested.

    16. My local flower market recommends plastic terracotta coloured saucers for indoor use with the unglazed pots.

  6. Anyone want to help me shop?

    Need a dress for a formal evening wedding this summer.
    Size 8 hourglass, and not that tall at 5 ft 4 so really long dresses will be too long on me.
    Looking to spend under $200 ideally since I don’t know when I would ever wear this again.
    Would like to be able to wear a bra.
    Just turned 40 and everything feels either too old or too young. Ideally I would find something summery, floaty and on the longer side that meets the formality requirement but still feels kind of fun and not frumpy. Not black. Could be floral.

    1. Summer and floaty, not super bra-friendly: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/lulus-garden-meandering-floral-chiffon-gown/5496594?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&color=533
      Floaty, shows off some leg: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/floral-chiffon-gown/7103770?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FWedding%20Guest&fashioncolor=Purple&color=660
      There are a handful of floaty dresses at Saks off Fifth that are available in lucky sizes. Like the DRAMA of this one: https://www.saksoff5th.com/product/meghan-la-sunset-surplice-chiffon-midi-dress-0400016943571.html?dwvar_0400016943571_color=NEON_PINK

      1. I see at least one of these is Eliza J from Nordstrom, and heartily recommend (I think I even ordered one on Amazon once for a last-minute wedding need). They have been workhorses for summer floaty wedding guest dresses for me. And mostly under that $200 price point IIRC. OP I’d check out that brand, several are decently bra friendly if you can use a halter bra.

  7. Maybe a design person can help answer this. When I fly (with a wheelie bag) or am out where there are multi stall bathrooms, I see doors in stalls that swing into the stalll. So you have to shimmy between the toilet (always oblong) and stalk to get in, which is awkward if you are a size 8, but most people are larger and may have mobility issues, large bags, or other challenges or limitations. And yet this is the main orientation, even though there is generally a game tour area where a door could swing out. Why is this?

    1. Would love to know this too! Since I’ve been pregnant there have been one or two bathrooms I literally could not get into and close the door. Seems like a very poor design. Also had a memorable time in the Newcastle train station with a large roller suitcase where I literally could not get myself and the bag inside the bathroom stall and shut the door. No handicap bathrooms in sight and it was a long wait for my train to arrive!

    2. So you don’t smack people in the waiting area with doors and because all those doors swinging out would make the passage area impassable.

    3. I have assumed it’s because you don’t want people to be in constant danger of being pushed over or hit by doors suddenly opening toward them while they’re walking in the restroom.

        1. Is this generally a problem, getting hit by doors? And bring so close to a door that you get hit by it? I would think that bathroom accessibility is paramount versus some people being inattentive.

          1. It seems like this could be a convention that is so ingrained that we don’t really even think about it. People inside the stalls can’t see if a person is walking by, and the person walking by is so used to stall doors opening inward that they’re not paying attention to whether a door is about to open.

            I’m not saying this couldn’t change, or even that this is the “right” design. But I do think it make sense from this perspective.

          3. You can certainly debate which is more important, but when you picture most bathrooms, they don’t have space between the stalls and the sinks for the doors to swing out without hitting the people at the sink. It’s a deliberate decision to save space. They could also make larger stalls, but don’t. And given how careless people are, I’m sure there are some liability issues with people getting slammed in the face when someone suddenly pushes a door open. I have been in poorly designed buildings where they had to post signs on doors warning people to be careful and open doors slowly or not to stand by certain doors (not in the bathroom, but in other places) because this was such an issue, so I think this is a thing that designers generally try to take into account.

          4. Most stall doors do t go to the floor so you can see he feet. And also hear a flush (like the door could open soon)(never mind the doors that won’t stay shut and spontaneously open if another door opens or shuts). If the stalls were longer, a door swinging inward wouldn’t matter but when the door is right next to the toilet it is hard to not brush the toilet seat with your leg/pants as you shimmy in.

          5. Don’t know about bathrooms, but in my workplace I get whacked by an opening door (long narrow hallway, some of the doors open into it) at least a time or two a month, even though I am aware of the hazard and try to be really careful.

          6. I see tiny stalls even where there is enough room to length them so that there would be a door to swing inward without getting near a toilet. And yet, it never happens except at nicer and newer fancier hotels with conference areas (like a new JW Marriott that hosts events). Those also feature full-length stalls and doors and a good lock (and not one that warps open when your next door stall neighbor wrestles her lock on her stall or bumps a wall with a wheelie bag).

    4. I’ve wondered this lately too! Especially after a week at Disney where I was taking two kids into a stall with me five times a day.

    5. That drives me crazy as well, but it’s even worse on airplanes these days. I’m a size 10-12 and I have had to turn sideways to squeeze into airplane bathrooms on newer planes. I have absolutely no idea how larger passengers, anyone with a wheelchair or walker, or anyone with kids can manage it. It seems criminal.

      1. Or if you are pregnant. Then You really need to pee and everything is a tight squeeze (but my bump doesn’t squish — it is a person and not just padding).

        1. Side note: this was always funny/annoying to me when I was pregnant, that people somehow thought my baby bump could squish to fit past them in an aisle, or to fit into clothing, etc. Like, there is a human being in there, with bones and organs and everything. It’s not foam padding that I’m wearing just for funsies.

      2. As someone in a wheelchair, I can tell you that the answer is that we don’t use the bathroom on airplanes. Yes, in theory, we could get a flight attendant to help us with an aisle chair, but in reality, it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

        It’s a major problem.

        1. Yes, I was going to say this, on behalf of my partner. Incontinence briefs for the win.

    6. I suspect the reason why stall doors generally swing in is so that the person inside the stall is always controlling the door – e.g., can’t be trapped inside by someone blocking the door maliciously or inadvertently. Also gives more room in a crowded bathroom for a line to form without that line being hit by doors swinging open. That said, in airports and train stations, the stalls are usually extra long, so i’ve never had to do any shimmying, nor do I think that’s a super common issue?

      1. This is why people with kids in Tow or strollers or wheelie bags (not everyone can carry a bag and many who aren’t traveling use a wheelie backpack or bag every day) or a hurry-cane are in handicapped stalls even if they could use a regular stall that was adequately sized.

    7. The people who design public restrooms must be aware of this issue because the doors of accessible stalls usually swing out. They must just not care about bags in airports. In ordinary restroom stalls where you don’t have a stroller, wheelchair, walker, suitcase, etc. it’s not an issue.

    8. YES this drives me insane. I have an internal rating system for airports, and one of my criteria is “is the bathroom stall deep enough that I can get my wheelie bag in and still shut the door easily.” (Other personal criteria include how much of the floor is carpeted vs hard, because carpet is a pain to wheel a suitcase on, is there free wifi (though this is almost a given these days), availability of chargers, comfy seating (CLT and JAX with rocking chairs ftw), ease of getting between terminals/to rental cars (points off if I have to take a bus instead of train))

      1. Plus quality of wifi, crowdedness of gate seating, length of line for food, and availability of food that is not a plastic-wrapped muffin. But the bathrooms are the most important.

        1. What I really care about is short security lines, less-rude TSA officers, the ability to get around the airport without having to ride a train or bus, and direct flights.

      2. Just a warning that you want to avoid the chargers. It can be a cybersecurity risk. Always bring your own charger to put in an outlet. Our IT staff warned us heavily and I saw a segment on our local news as well.

      3. Plus HVAC that is at least MERV 14 and clear signage that the air is being filtered to that standard. We had three years (including at least two when crowds were smaller than usual, which makes renovations easier) to do it, and we totally failed.

      4. The sinks in the Jacksonville airport are “modern” design where there is no bowl, just a sloping counter and the water spashes everywher. Because women never want to sit our bags on the sink, pull out of make-up bag, and fix up our make up at the airport. I had to fly in an out of there on business several times a year and the sinks make me angry every time.

        1. I once stayed a week at a hotel in Paris with a sink like this. It was otherwise a lovely hotel, but never again!

          1. I once stayed in a hotel (in the midwestern US, of all places) where the shower was not separate from the rest of the bathroom. There was a drain in the middle of the bathroom floor and the whole floor got wet. I did not use my hairdryer in that bathroom.

    9. I wish they would design the bathrooms with the understanding that the open space needs to accommodate a bag! I’m almost always traveling with someone so we trade off going to the restroom for exactly this reason. Such a PITA.

      But as to swinging in, I think the combination of (1) safety of the occupant, being in control of opening the door, (2) safety of people walking near the doors, not being hit by someone bursting out of a stall in a rush, and (3) saving space for the shared walkway between stalls and sinks, I think it’s here to stay.

      1. And the average adult woman needs to actually fit with room to spare (because not everyone is average) — do they not have any basic design standards? I am on the smaller side and if I have to crab walk into a bathroom, some people likely cannot get in period.

    11. Space saving (cost saving) would be my guess, but the setup for American stall loos are a mystery to me. (Why all the gaps?)

      If there is too little space (due to cost saving), there will also be emergency logistics, where the danger of somebody being stuck is lesser than the danger of hindering other people and creating a stampede or panic.

      In Norwegian Airports the doors generally swing outwards, so it’s not a universal thing.

    1. I love this! I’d wear a camisole or tank top under it that doesn’t show when the top button is buttoned. Then just make sure to get a size large enough that the buttons don’t pull when they’re all buttoned up.

      (How many times can I use “button”?)

      2. This is what I do – camisole tucked in or a close fitting scoop neck tee with wide leg pants if wearing for work (or tissue turtleneck in the winter).

        I also think this would look great over a white button down shirt or with a longer dress.

        I have a similar sweater in a floral print from Club Monaco and I get a TON of wear out of it.

    2. Girl what? It is a casual cardigan! You can do this! Put a t shirt or a tank on, put your cardigan on, live your life.

      1. She’s asking about styling on a fashion blog. She could also wear it over a potato sack, but that’s not the question. If you’re the person who is always getting annoyed about people asking about clothing on a clothing blog, I must repeat – you’re in the wrong place.

      1. I would only do this with a tucked cami or T. The look where you had a cami sticking out under the bottom of your sweater — def no.

  9. Does anyone have a recommendation for a back warmer that is reusable? I find the heat wraps that you can buy over-the-counter helpful for my back pain, but they are certainly wasteful and I would like to find a reusable product. Any ideas?

      1. +1. I have the JOOFO Electric Heating Pad for Back Pain and Cramps Relief, Ultra-Soft 12″ x 24″ Heat Pad from Am@zon and it works great.

      2. Sorry, I wasn’t clear – I meant one that I can wear all day (while I’m moving around, not plugged into a wall).

        1. Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t think this exists. None of the microwave ones last very long and are pretty bulky. You’d have to heat them up every 30 minutes or so.

        2. A microwaveable rice/pellet based heating pad. you have to reheat thruout the day and tie it in place, but that’s about as close as you’ll get.

    2. I use a cherry-pit-pac on my lower back. It heats up in the microwave. You can order a variety of shapes, some including ties.

      You can also search for microwaveable heat pack for other options.

    3. I bought a microwavable bag off etsy that’s great. I think it has rice or wheat or some kind of grain in it, pretty cotton cover, and it retains the heat well, gets hotter than the plug-in ones (which I like for my back spasms) and doubles as a bed warmer. That said, it’s not as subtle as some of the plug-in ones and I don’t think I’d take it to the office with me.

    4. We bought a couple of wraps from the FSA Store with some leftover FSA funds and we really like them. You can heat them up in the microwave and they stay warm for a good long while. The inside is filled with a mixture of rice and plastic beads, I think. Kind of like this one, if you look it up on A mazon: Microwavable Heating Pad for Lower Back and Menstrual Cramps

      1. This needlessly snarky answer doesn’t really deserve acknowledgement but – if you don’t know the difference between at hot pack/heating pad and a sweater, I’m not sure what to tell you.

    6. There are also ones that are filled with a gel – you click a little metal button that begins the reaction (gel releases heat when it crystallizes); and you can “recharge” it by boiling the heat pad until all the filling reliquifies. You have to be a little careful not to accidentally click the starter when you’re carrying them around; but they are a good option if you can’t be near a microwave — I use them camping. Green Heat was the original brand of this style; but Amazon has tons of dupes

  10. It’s hitting me over the head that school is going to be out in a few weeks. I rarely have working mom guilt anymore, except leading up to summer. I know the grass is greener and all, but I really wish I could drastically cut back on my work schedule from May through August to just enjoy summer with my kids. It is absolutely not realistic for the type of job I have, though I do plan on taking off as many summer Fridays as I can manage. I know the long days and lack of routine can be really hard for SAHMs, and I’m likely looking at this through rose-colored glasses. Commiseration? I do not think social media is helpful in this regard — way too easy to compare myself to the moms who are taking their kids to the pool at 10 a.m.

    1. If it makes you feel better, I do have a job where I can slow down considerably in the summers, but I’m still not taking my kids to the pool at 10 am on a weekday. I don’t see how that’s realistic for anyone who’s not a SAHM.

      I don’t really want to be a SAHM. It might be fun for me, but would not be good for my kids, who genuinely enjoy going to day camps and doing cool activities with their friends. I suppose the ideal might be half day camps and afternoons with a SAHM, but that’s not realistic for most families since camps can be pricey. I live in an area where most SAHMs are on a pretty tight budget so I don’t have a lot of FOMO about the SAHM lifestyle.

    2. My mom is a teacher and strongly encouraged me to go into teaching and now I understand why…

      1. Seeing my mom be a teacher though. With no student loans, it required my dad’s income to afford to live on. I don’t know what I would have done had I gone into teaching b/c I didn’t get married until I was in my late 30s — there are only so many aerobics classes you can teach and you can’t side hustle 12+ hours a day and all summer all the time if you are single. Might as well be a nurse or CPA or anything else. My mom didn’t go back to work until my sister was in K, but discrimination against older mom teachers is real (kids get sick, you are seen as unreliable vs a no-kid 24YO), parents hating on you, disruptive kids, ever-increasing class sizes, so much stress. The schedule is the only good thing about it. We moved around a lot with my dad’s job and mom was always starting over at the bottom.

        1. Admittedly, my mom’s experience was very different than yours.

          43 years at the same school, maxed out the payscale (currently 92k), lots of seniority, local grandparents to help with sick kids, classes capped at 18, pretty strict conduct code for students so while disruptions have gotten worse they’re not nearly as bad as at other schools.

          The parents have definitely gotten worse, but every industry now has to deal with Karen’s…

      2. My husband is a teacher and does not want to spend all summer entertaining our son, he wants to spend all summer doing his own thing. He also can’t ever take a day off when it isn’t a school break and never gets treated as a professional, despite 20+ years of teaching experience.

        1. My mom was a teacher and spent the summer with us, but I wouldn’t say she was usually entertaining us.

          We spent a LOT of time at the neighborhood park / pool, and she’d play with us some but also would chat with her friends while we played with ours or would get a workout in while we played.

          She did a lot of house and yard projects while we played in the yard or she’d make us help. We’d play with our neighborhood friends or she’d supervise a play date. She’d drag us around on whatever errands she needed to do. We’d all go to my grandparents house to all hang out together or we’d be with our grandparents while she helped them with something.

          Maybe once a week or so we’d do a fun “outing” but it was mostly my mom being in the general vicinity while we did our own thing.

          1. It’s harder to let kids play alone or with friends now. Unless the child looks 12+ you run the risk of someone calling CPS on you. I hate it, and wish childhood today was more like my childhood and your childhood, but the reality is that it’s changed a lot.

          2. Admittedly I don’t have school age children, but she was supervising at the pool / park just not actively playing with us (moms would sit and chat while the kids played). Is that seriously a no go?!

            At home / in the neighborhood it was playing in the back yard while she was in the house or yard , so that’s still allowable (I hope…).

            It is wild to me that I was babysitting at age 12 and now that’s he youngest kids are allowed to do things themselves…

          3. Kids as young as 5 or 6 playing in their own backyard alone is pretty normal still today, I’d say. But when I was 5 I had free rein of the neighborhood with pals, and I was walking my dog solo by age 7 or so. That stuff is unusual today. A colleague had an encounter with CPS because he let his 9 year old walk the dog around the block.

          4. Yeah, my mom was a SAHM but she definitely didn’t entertain us all day in the summers. She was not interested in playing with us, she had her own stuff to do. But we lived in the suburbs and it was safe for me to be out on my bike all day.

        2. I think this is an example where what’s socially acceptable for a man is completely different than it would be for a similarly situated woman.

    3. um, maybe i’m a bad mom, but i have no interest in taking my twin 5 year olds to the pool at 10am on a wednesday and listening to them whine about wearing sunscreen, what’s for lunch/snack, taking them to the bathroom 5 million times, helping navigate sibling/friend arguments, etc.

      1. I don’t think this makes you a bad mom, but 5 is at the very young end of kids who have summer break and older kids are generally easier. Plus twins are harder than singletons. Mine are 6 and 8 and I would love to spend the summer hanging out with them. I don’t think it would be the best choice for them, though.

    4. I put my kid in an amazing all day day camp which he loves so much that he counts down the days. He swims and climbs and plays sports all day-I honestly feel much less guilty in the summer knowing he’s playing sports with some college kid counselor for hours rather than trying to have a catch with my clumsy self than I do during the school year.

    5. If it makes you feel any better, I was a SAHM for a while, and I didn’t take mine to the pool at 10am.

    6. I work for myself and take summers off. I take the kids to the pool 1-2x per week and hire a sitter to do it for the rest of the time. I do take them to tennis and swim meets and softball but those are after 4pm.

    7. I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from and have had similar feelings. One thing I am doing this summer is that I’ve already warned the kids we’re going to the pool every day – it’s just going to be at 5 pm when I pick them up from camp, rather than at 10 am. This will be a fun way to enjoy the fact that we don’t have the endless parade of extracurriculars that take up evenings in the school year, and will get us the fun feeling of summer vibes and lazy hours at the pool – while I still get to be a full time working mom.

      Another suggestion would be, could you take a week off and “stay at home mom” just so you can see what you’re missing – or not!? I feel like sometimes fantasy is better than our reality. Baking cookies in a sunny kitchen while your child reads their book du jour sounds lovely – but the reality might actually be 8 hours of saying no to screen time and refereeing sibling fights. Getting that actual experience might make it much easier and even exciting to go back to the 9-5 job afterward.

  11. I am indian and have a some old gold jewelry that I would like to get altered (e.g., a bracelet I’d like to make into a necklace, 2 bracelets I’d like to make into 1 necklace etc. What kind of person do I take this to? Will any jeweler work? I’m in Houston if it matters.

    1. You want what is called a bench jeweler. They make their own pieces and can do work like this.

    2. For this type of thing I usually take my jewelry on my next trip to India and have a jeweler there do it. There may be Indian jewelers in the New York/New Jersey area who can do it, but not sure about Houston. Looks like Dallas has a few more Indian jewelers, though

    3. Hi, fellow Indian Houstonian (and fellow jewelry lover!). I’d try Karat 22 or Kirti Jewelers in Hillcroft – they’ll at least be able to guide you. After NY/NJ, Houston probably as the most options. But otherwise, I agree that India is probably your best bet, especially if it’s the 22K gold.

  12. Can anyone here who hired a college counselor for their high schoolers comment on whether the cost was worth it in their case? My daughter is highly motivated and organized, so I don’t need to be pushing her to work on applications or essays or anything like that. The only benefit I see is in someone advising on her list of schools to apply to, but my friends who have recent experience have been surprised by how their college counselor’s recos have been off by a lot (eg one person did not get into any reach schools, or most of her target schools, despite good grades/test scores/extracurriculars, while another one got into a bunch of reaches). I’m not sure if the parents in these cases got their money’s worth. Some counselors claim their students have a high rate of experience at top schools and my daughter is looking at one of those top schools and we can afford it, but don’t want to just throw $$ away either. I’m just looking for some general thoughts on who benefits from a counselor.

    1. I don’t know that it’s quantifiable. I do think depends on your kid, their school, and your own comfort with your knowledge base. My son is in private school which provides a counselor and I come from a place where I’m pretty familiar with a lot of schools (although the world has changed a lot since I went to college) but we are using an outside counselor because I fight with my son about everything and decided, for me, it was worth the money to hire a professional to fight with him.

      1. (same poster as 10:08). I do know that my brother’s kids went to prestigious NYC private school and my niece was a great student and he assume that they were covered and then all of a sudden he realized that everyone else had private counselors. She ended up getting in off wait list at school she was happy with but he regretted not having had a private counselor. When I was in high school at NYC private school my college advisor flat out asked if I wanted to go to A or B and I said A and then I got into A and not B. It used to be that the school counselors (especially at private schools) did some negotiating and said things like “take her, this one doesn’t want to come, don’t take him” I have no proof of this but I have a theory that the schools are less willing to do that they used to which is one of the reasons people like a private person.

      2. That is the best description of why I hired a private counselor: to fight with my kid so I wouldn’t have to.

    2. I have a lot of opinions on this. Start with College Confidential, which is a goldmine of information.

      I would love to give you more specific information, but there are a bunch of questions to ask first. Is your daughter trying to get into Harvard? She almost certainly won’t unless she’s also an Olympic athlete or founded a charity or something. (I often tell people that their chances of getting into Harvard aren’t 4%; given the sheer number of athletes, legacies, and development admits they take, it’s more like 1%. Don’t bother.)

      For upper middle class kids at top schools, it’s really hard to get in RD. You’re pretty much going to have to get in ED/EA. It’s just math – they often take 40% of their class early, and save RD seats for kids who can’t apply early but they really want, or for very specific needs (first gen college, regular middle class kids who need huge amounts of financial aid, filling out the class from all 50 states, filling out everything from student newspaper editors to French horn players).

      Would she rather apply ED at a doable reach school or would she mind losing her “target” schools reaching for the stars? I have seen enough brilliant kids refuse to move a smidgeon down the ladder ED or EA, or not apply ED II after getting deferred the first go round at HYP, and they end up at their safety school. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, they just often wish they had pulled the trigger ED II at Swarthmore or Tufts instead of holding out hope for Harvard.

      1. JFC, all of this sounds so stressful and convoluted for the kids. I’m so glad the university system in Canada isn’t anything like this.

        2. It isn’t like this for most of the US. This board represents the 1%er lifestyle in terms of both financial privilege and higher education. I live in the Midwest and most of the kids at our public high school (which I think is the third best high school in the state) go to one of the state flagship universities, which are pretty easy to get into coming from a good high school like ours. Most of the rest of the kids go to a lower ranked public school or community college. The crazy Ivy League admission process is just for a tiny minority of people. Even if you broaden it to non-Ivy private schools like Duke and Northwestern, you’re talking about less than 5% of high school kids who even consider applying to one of those schools.

          And even the process of applying to top schools doesn’t have to be super stressful – I had the attitude that I was going to apply to a couple of dream top tier private schools, but otherwise go to the State U where I had a full scholarship. I got waitlisted ED and subsequently rejected at one; got in regular decision to the other and had a great experience there, but the older I get the more I see how my life would have turned out fine even if I’d gone to a state school. I think most of the kids who find the process hyper-stressful have parents who are really stressed about it and put that pressure on their kids.

          1. Just want to co-sign: I am in the Southwest and it’s not like this. Most of my son’s friends are going to our local State U, the State U that’s located about 3 hours away, or the State Us in our neighboring states, all of which are good schools. (My son is still deciding between local State U and Neighboring State U, which is in the city where his grandparents live.) We don’t know anyone who’s involved in the competitive-admission malarkey that goes on other places.

            I’ve said this here before, but I strongly believe that for about 95% of high school kids, they don’t need to sweat it with admissions for their undergrad. Wherever they can go and graduate without a lot of debt will be fine. I would hope that with everything we know now about student debt, parents are not pushing their kids to get into a competitive school and take out six figures of debt just to get a bachelor’s degree (or parents are sacrificing their own financial well-being to pay for school). I think we have a number of parents here who can just write a check for whatever the tuition + fees + room and board amount is at any school their kid can get into, and that changes the equation considerably. We don’t have the financial means to do that and so are encouraging our son to go where he can get a good foundational bachelor’s degree, graduate with no debt, and then figure out where he wants to go from there. I imagine millions of other parents are having the exact same conversation with their 11th grader right now, across the USA.

          2. My husband and I could pay tuition at any college in the country, but we still want to get good value for our money and make sure our kid doesn’t get intensely stressed about the process.

            We’ve been having conversations since our kid was in preschool about how local State U is a great option and we’ll consider paying for a good private school that offers something State U doesn’t (I’m especially open to small liberal arts colleges since it’s so different from the State U experience) but our tuition dollars are not guaranteed and we’re not paying for a private party school or a similar but worse public school, assuming she gets into State U. I think even among people who can afford the Ivies not everyone is fixated on having their kids attend one.

      2. I was going to say College Confidential probably offers a lot of what you’d be paying for with private counseling.

        Not sure I agree with the ED point. I worked in admissions at my elite private alma mater and it’s only slightly easier to get accepted ED/EA vs RD. The “it’s just math” comment is kind of misleading, because a decent chunk of people apply early so it’s not crazy to fill a decent portion of the class early, i.e., if 40% of people apply early, you’d expect 40% of the slots to go to early applicants even with no advantage to early admissions. At my alma mater, the odds of acceptance through ED are usually only about one percentage point higher. They are looking for a well-balanced class even at the ED stage too, so many of the comments about geographic diversity and diversity in extracurriculars still apply even if you apply early. I can tell you that when I reviewed applications we accepted plenty of bright, talented but “normal” kids through the regular decision process.

        1. That’s not how it actually works though. You’re conflating overall acceptance rate with the acceptance rate of a subgroup.

          Using numbers representative of my alma mater: about 50% of the class is upper middle class suburban kids with parents who graduated from college. That describes a huge chunk of the 40% of the class who is taken ED. About 10-15% of the total number of total seats are filled RD will UMC suburban kids, but they represent about 70% of the applicant pool.

          At that point, it’s filling in holes – you have 49 of the 50 states but were meh on the kids from Idaho who applied ED. Find the best kids from Idaho. Baseball coach needs a shortstop. Looks like the admitted pool is a little light on potential foreign language majors.

          It’s harder to get slotted into a hole when a lot of those holes are already filled. It is easier to get in as the amazing French horn player ED than when the school already took three great French horn players because the orchestra needed them.

          1. I’m not sure where you’re getting that upper middle class suburban kids are wildly over-represented in early decision applicant pools. That wasn’t my experience. Yes, there’s some hole-filling in RD, but that happens regardless of what stage of the application process you’re in. Harvard knows they’re not going to have a ton of applicants from Idaho, and they’re looking for geographic balance in the ED stage too.

          2. I think that $$$ is more represented in ED because it’s binding. If you can pay, you can do this. But you can’t do it if you can’t write the check.

          3. Anon at 11:12 is correct. Data clearly shows that Early Decision applicants are more affluent than Early Action or Regular Decision applicants.

          5. But by this logic aren’t legacy kids and children of the uber wealthy even more likely to apply early? I’m not disputing that wealth is an advantage in admissions, I just don’t see generic middle class kids specifically as over-represented in early admissions.

      3. I am in my mid-30s and college confidential was a goldmine when I was going to college. Somehow it is comforting that it is still going strong today.

        My boss’s kid just got into Harvard (and basically all the Ivies). It turns out being a champion rodeo rider is a very good high school extracurricular for the ivies.

      4. ” (I often tell people that their chances of getting into Harvard aren’t 4%; given the sheer number of athletes, legacies, and development admits they take, it’s more like 1%. Don’t bother.)”

        So question about this. If this is the case, why does Harvard bother soliciting students? My son got a 1300 on his PSAT, which I realize is medium-good, but it’s not that high, and shortly thereafter we got an “information package” from Harvard in the mail, which he is not interested in and we cannot afford. He then got a follow-up email and a phone call from an “admission counselor” which he ignored.

        We are white and affluent for our area, but definitely not millionaires, and anyone with access to our basic household income info could see we can’t afford to pay what Harvard costs. No one we know or have any association with has ever gone to Harvard, so not related to “legacy” stuff. He’s also not a school athlete, so that can’t be it. Given that Harvard is like this pie-in-the-sky dream school for so many, why would Harvard waste time, money and effort soliciting a kid from Nowheresville, USA with a pretty good SAT score and good-but-not-spectacular grades? Why do they need to do this – don’t they have way more people trying to get in than they can ever admit? We were baffled.

        1. Your application fee + your kid’s rejection boosts their “exclusivity” stats. It’s a racket.

          1. This. The more applicants they reject, the lower the “admit” percentage, perpetuating the selectivity rankings.

          3. Yep. US News uses acceptance rate in their rankings, and one way to lower your acceptance rate is to increase the number of applicants. Even better if they are good but not great applicants – you can sort them into the “rejection” pile with minimal effort and focus the attention of the admissions committee on sifting through the students they actually want.

          4. Exactly this, prepare to be encouraged to apply at every school you visit. The more applicants, the lower the acceptance rate, the more selective the school. It’s all about the rankings.

        2. Harvard is free if you make <$85k and capped at 10% of your household income if you make <$150k. Even if you make substantially more than $150k, you won't owe anywhere near full tuition. It's actually pretty affordable for middle class families.

        3. Their reputation is only their reputation if they are exclusive. The game is getting tons of applications they can reject.

        4. It’s probably to ratchet up the exclusivity, but they also may be trying to avoid the “barbell” that has happened with a lot of private K-12 where you have very well-off students and kids on almost-complete financial aid, but not a lot of people in the middle. My husband and I are both professionals with full-time jobs and there is no way we could pay full freight at an independent private school. Even adjusted for inflation, it costs about twice what it did in the 1990s in our area.

    3. What does college counseling look like at her high school? If it’s decent, I’d start there.

      My kids’ school (private) had 1 college counselor for every 20 or so students, and college counselors only worked on college counseling; there were separate guidance counselors / and school psychologists.

      My one kid was super motivated and really looking forward to college. Her counselor helped with some things (reading / making recommendations on her essays, explaining what schools would be a good match since her GPA didn’t necessarily match her capabilities, encouraging her to add a safety school that was rolling admission so she’d be “in” somewhere early, which he knew would help her anxiety), but she did a lot of research and chose where to apply on her own.

      My other kid needed a lot of handholding (and also had a GPA that didn’t match his capabilities) and college counseling was so, so helpful.

      Both my kids have learning differences and so having a counselor who understood this was very helpful.

      1. Also, what type of school does she go to?

        My experience with college admissions for my kids doesn’t match this board’s discourse and I think it’s because they were at a prep school. It seems as though college admissions offices knew the school and how rigorous it was, but it seemed considerably easier for kids to get into college than others’ on this board’s experiences.

        1. Yes, that is part of what you paid for – preferences shown towards students from that school from.prestigious colleges for multiple reasons, one of which could have been ‘how rigorous it was” but likely also included a lot of other less merit-based reasons.

          1. Say what you want, but the school was quite rigorous.

            And, our state’s flagship university was most students’ safety school.

          2. Say what you want but no one evaluated the “rigor” of my small town high school at all. No one got accepted to Ivies from there. And it was quite rigorous for honors students. I wrote seven 20+-page, thoroughly researched papers senior year, plus multiple shorter ones, plus three AP tests (and AP Calc in Jr year), despite having dispensation for 2 free periods to attend to my extracurricular “job.” I didn’t dare take AP Biology due to its intense teacher, but others did on top of what I took. And my cross-country team was state champs and my swim team was undefeated for decades. It mattered not at all because of the lack of contacts and proximity to extremely wealthy areas and prestigious private schools.

          3. I got into several top tier private schools from an average public high school with no personal connection to admissions officers. When I got to college I met many people in the same boat. I realize college admissions is generally getting more competitive but our small public high school sends a few kids to Ivy or similar every year. It’s not impossible to get even if you’re “just” a smart kid with excellent grades and test scores.

    4. My daughter is freaked out by the entire process of applying to college. She could not even decide which colleges to visit. I hired a college counselor to help her select the colleges to visit, to break down the application process into manageable steps, to advise on essays, and most importantly to keep myself out of a nagging role. I did not find the advice on college selection in any way revelatory, but the conversation gave my daughter the confidence to choose some schools and book visits. We’ll see how the rest of the process plays out this summer and fall. If my daughter were organized and self-motivated I would probably have limited the engagement to essays.

      According to people I know whose children attend private high schools, the college counselors on staff at these schools will basically broker admissions to certain colleges. They know that X school will accept two of their students each year, so they choose which two they want to send and advocate for them. It’s great if your student is one of the chosen ones, but there also seems to be a risk that the college counselor will steer other kids towards colleges that aren’t their top choices. Outside of Varsity Blues, I don’t know whether private college counselors have this type of pull with admissions offices.

    5. Not worthwhile for the advice about where to apply – no recommendations we wouldn’t have considered on our own, and her guess was as good as ours re. admissions. Was worthwhile overall, however, because our daughter was very anxious and needed someone other than her parents to consult. The counselor helped her brainstorm re. essay topics; provided the type of feedback on draft essays that she might’ve gotten from an English teacher at a school where teachers have time for this (not the case at her public school); and generally listened when she was worried. This was worth the roughly $3500 we paid.

      1. I feel like having the Common App essay being an assignment in junior year English class is such low hanging fruit?

        1. I’ve never heard of college essays being part of regular schoolwork. I definitely don’t think that’s universal.

          1. Oh interesting. It’s very common in my area. Admittedly, the vast majority of kids go directly to a 4 year college in this area (100% at my kids’ school), but even for those who don’t, it’s good essay practice.

          2. My son has been practicing his Common Application essay this year in his 11th grade English class, in preparation for filling out the Common Application next year.

          3. College essays were a big part of my kids H.S. English class, I think it was fall of Jr year. . Private school though.

        2. It was at my private school back in 2002, fwiw. I don’t think it was in public at the time, at least local to me.

    6. You know that scene in “Father of the Bride” in which Steve Martin tells his daughter that it’s chilly outside and she should put on a sweater, and she refuses robustly, and then her fiancé says the same thing and she immediately agrees and puts on a sweater? College counselors, in addition to knowing things others don’t about the process, can say the exact same thing to your student that you do, and your student will listen to the counselor while magically forgetting that you said the exact same thing. Ask me how I know.

    7. My eldest is a freshman in high school and we’re working with one. I didn’t pick the highest-price or biggest-promises person, but found somebody who’s worked with a lot of kids at my kid’s large public high school.

      My kid has good grades and does plenty of extracurricular stuff, but the college landscape has changed a lot and I wanted some advice about what to do and when to do it. She’s also a math/science kid with two deep-humanities parents, so having someone who can suggest various things is really helpful. My daughter isn’t very rebellious, but she’s a teen and having someone else say the exact same thing I just said is total magic. Of all the stupid things I’ve spent money on, spending money helping my kid get into college seems like a bargain (esp. compared to a 50k private school).

      Her school has no capacity to do any kind of meaningful college counseling, nor any interest as far as I can tell, especially for her demographic (middle-class white girls) because “girls like her will do fine in life.” They’d be happy to show her how to apply to the nonselective state university system, which is fine, but I’d like her to have more options.

    8. I didn’t. My kids went to state schools (we’re in CA, one did a CSU + private grad school, one is in a UC) but one of my friends did hire the college counselor and found it worth it. Her kid wanted to go to a top private school – not ivy league, and the counselor managed expectations – but a big well-known school. Kid got in. And now they’re paying that tuition, because one thing the counselor didn’t achieve was scholarship money of any kind! Kid was an A student in HS, but I don’t think that’s enough for merit aid any more. Or at least not at the big name schools everyone wants to attend.

        1. This. They are very clear about it – aid is need-based. I suspect that the parents are okay paying the bill, otherwise, they would have had their kids blanket schools one level down that offer merit aid.

        2. That’s what I’m saying. Whether $300k over four years for a music degree is worth it wasn’t part of the counseling.

          1. Aaaand that’s why we won’t hire a counselor for our kid. Money is a consideration for every human being on the planet in regards to every other type of decision we make; affordability should not get dropped out of the college conversation. I don’t need someone with an ulterior motive of making themselves look good as an advisor, but no skin in the game in terms of paying the tuition bill, encouraging our kid to shoot for the stars in terms of admission, and then my kid gets into a bunch of schools that aren’t affordable without massive student loans.

            I don’t know why practicality goes out the window when people start thinking about college. If my neighbor that makes $100k a year for his family of four bought a brand-new Mercedes G-Wagon, we would think that was crazy irresponsible. But if his kid gets into a school where they’re going to have to take out $200k in loans to complete a four-year degree, that’s cause for celebration and everyone congratulates the student and the family? What is that?

        3. The very top tier (Ivies, MIT, Stanford) doesn’t but the next tier (U Chicago, Wash U, Johns Hopkins) does.

    9. I would do it. You and your child do not know as well as a professional does how to market them to schools effectively. I wish I had had a college counselor. Case in point: I didn’t even mention my 20-hour-per-week part time job on my college applications, because it didn’t occur to me that it was relevant to colleges – it was just something I did to make money. Probably a college counselor would have caught that.

  13. Aside from canvassing / advocacy work, what can the average citizen do to help prevent gun violence?

    I work in a field where public political action or advocacy is strictly regulated, so it’s just easier for me to avoid that.

    I’ve already donated to Moms Demand Action and Everytown but feel like I’m not doing enough. Preference is to get involved in volunteering.

    A close friend of mine was hit by a stray bullet and critically injured. He’ll be okay, but has a long road ahead of him.

    1. Volunteer with at-risk teenagers, don’t vote for progressive prosecutors, volunteer at after school programs or with something like Big Brothers Big Sisters, advocate for good street lighting.

        1. Progressive prosecutors are
          Keeping us safer by keeping families intact. I support my local
          Progressive prosecutor even though DeSantis is going after her.

      1. +1

        Voting is key. Getting people registered. Educate. Encourage.

        It is shocking how many people do not vote.

      2. Ugh, sadly that’s what I thought. I wonder if I could volunteer with victims services or something.

        I’m in a blue area, so almost all of our shootings involve illegal guns and are targeted; it’s almost all spillover from drug, gang, or other territory issues. When a “random” person gets shot it’s almost entirely by a stray bullet or a case of mistaken identity. But so, so many kids are getting killed via drug or gang violence.

        1. Hmm, if that’s the case, there may be a lot you can do that is more related to serving and building the community. What programs exist to help keep kids busy and growing and hopeful and out of gangs? What churches are trying to feed and anchor the community? One of the beautiful side effects of any community- building effort is that a connected and healthy community is also more able to mobilize and demand change. Part of why they chose Rosa Parks to rally around is that so many people knew her; she was just a very active community member. You can help to build that where you are.

        2. Yes, you can absolutely volunteer as a mentor, with victims services, teenagers, attend community events hosted by the DAO, etc. I posted something similar an hour or so ago and have no clue why it’s in mod. Safe streets and beautification efforts are also useful- things like street lights do a lot to deter crime.

      3. The Michelle Goldberg opinion piece re Timothy McVeigh was really depressing. The only thing it left out is the strength of the gun lobby. The fantasies of the right wing are directly related to the profits of the companies that sell the guns and ammo.

    4. I fight back every time someone declares gun control efforts hopeless. Sorry no. Reasonable people throwing up their hands is a bigger problem than the smaller group of people opposed to all regulations. All changes in society start with hearts and minds; law follows. Keep talking.

      1. But what are the concrete actions to do? The OP said she already does canvassing and advocacy work.

        There are some great suggestions above about community involvement. But what about policy change? What else can be done to actually enact laws that will help?

        1. Mass shootings account for a tiny fraction of gun violence in the US. The vast, vast majority of gun violence is street-level violence. it’s true that guns used on the street sometimes flow from states with laxer gun laws, but the best way to prevent gun violence is to work on the issues that lead to street violence: young people without strong family structures and direction, too much free time, lax prosecution. Gun control laws won’t do a ton there. Stop and frisk is a dirty phrase now but it saved a lot of lives. People didn’t carry guns as much and by the time they got to where they had stashed them, the heat of the moment had passed. The certainty of being caught is a prime deterrent of crime. I’m sure this post will be extremely unpopular on this board but I’ve got a decade of experience in this field.

          1. With respect to your experience, stop and frisk targeted young men of color. The mass shootings of today are increasingly connected to white supremacists, incels, and the like. If the police aren’t stopping and frisking 20 year olds with high and tight haircuts and polo shirts, this policy isn’t going to be effective, not to even mention the right to open carry laws in many southern states.

          2. But I understand that gun control would be hugely helpful for reducing suicides, dv and accidental gun deaths. Why can’t that be reason alone to advocate for stricter gun laws? I think we as a culture need to be extremely clear that keeping a gun in your home for the “safety “ of your yourself or your loved ones is extremely misguided.

          3. Anon at 1:12, that’s why I prefaced my comment with the fact that mass shootings are a tiny fraction of gun deaths in the US. OP wanted to know how the average citizen can help prevent gun violence. Since the vast majority of gun violence is on the streets, it makes sense to focus efforts there to have the greatest impact on reducing casualties.

      2. I couldn’t agree more. The time for fatalism and cynicism has passed. Small groups of determined women can absolutely change the world, whatever flavor of advocacy you prefer.

    5. I’ve struggled with this as well. Restrictions related to my job make it difficult to get involved as a volunteer. So I donate. I pray. Sometimes I post on social media, but I’m mostly active on Instagram and my friends there have pretty similar views. One way that I’ve been speaking up recently relates to work travel. If I’m invited to a conference in a state with lax gun laws, then I let the organizers know that I won’t be attending for this reason (also, these same states tend to be places where I think it’s unethical to host an event because of their abortion restrictions; anyone who’s pregnant could be putting their lives at risk to attend). Similarly, I refuse to vacation in places where my tourism dollars are going to line the pockets of corrupt GOP legislators. It feels like the least I can do.

      Ultimately, I think that change is going to require a general strike on the part of moms. I’m hopeful that this happens in my lifetime, and I will be first in line to participate.

    6. I don’t belong to a church, don’t own guns and (at least as far as I know) don’t have friends who use guns, so I may be off-base, however: is there something you could do to help church-going white AR15 toting people appreciate the hypocrisy of their gun use?

      1. I have nothing to do with guns, but I don’t think I understand the hypocrisy of owning or using guns? What is the hypocrisy here?

        1. Well my dad is Catholic, Republican / Libertarian, and pro life but is pro-gun control and vehemently anti-death penalty.

          I’m pro choice , but I respect that he sees the hypocrisy of most gun ownership and of the death penalty. He thinks all life is sacred: a fetus, a convicted murderer, and everyone in between.

          He’s probably okay with responsible gun ownership with limits and restrictions, but he’s not okay with what current rules are.

        2. The hypocrisy is someone saying that they follow Jesus’s teachings to love humans while also owning a tool (AR15) whose sole purpose is to destroy humans. If you haven’t watched the videos of what a bullet from an AR15 does to a body, watch it. I recently learned that 25% — one quarter — of the guns purchased in the US are AR15/AR15 style. You don’t need that to hunt or defend yourself in your home.

      2. Literally the only people I know who have ever shot a gun are my friends who were in the military. I don’t know anyone who owns or has owned a gun.

        I have a lot of moderate conservative family members (big Romney/McCain/Bush people, they hate Trump) but they all hateeeeee guns. They’re all religious and pro life (sigh…) and think that guns are so antithetical to being religious and pro-life.

        I mentioned above that I’m in a blue area, even the conservatives around here are very different than what we hear about in Texas, Florida, etc.

        1. Just to reiterate the great diversity in groups of people – in my very liberal group of friends, we have several gun owners, and I go to the range with some of the husbands every couple months or so. I started taking classes to learn firearm safety, so that if a firearm ever needed to be disarmed, I could do it myself. We also went to a shooting range after the spa for a friend’s bach party so YMMV. We are all pro-choice, some religious, some not.

        2. Don’t assume that your liberal acquaintances don’t own a gun. You’d be shocked how many of them do, even in a deep Blue area. Many Democratic firearm owners don’t advertise it, especially if they know you’re anti-gun.

          If you have kids going on playdates make sure you ask where the parents store their guns if they have any. A responsible gun owner will be happy to explain how they’re locked away.

          1. Agree. My husband has a shotgun and a pistol and a c&C license. We have a gun safe and everything is stored beyond safely. We have 3 kids and live in a deep blue area of a deep blue state (DH had to get our chief of police to personally approve his LTC).

            I don’t advertise that we have guns- but if asked would share how they are stored safely.

        3. Yeah I agree with this. I’m fairly liberal and a WOC, and we own multiple firearms. I don’t think any of my friends or coworkers know this and I don’t plan to share.

      3. Uh, what? Normal churchgoing people are overwhelmingly against violence. During his life Jesus spent a whole lot of time explaining that no, he did not come as military leader as his people had expected, but to spread love and forgiveness. The AR-15 nuts are fringe evangelicals who just happen to be very loud and have people like this poster confused about Christianity.

        1. Is Christianity also against military service, then, in your view? That doesn’t seem true of the past or the present. Heck most the cops I know are Christian and churchgoing.

    7. Mentor a teenager. Volunteer for an organization that serves children. Support music and art in your schools and community. I represent children who commit violent crimes and it is clear that the at-risk kids who make it had someone who was interested in their life. I keep seeing answers like “teaching resilience” or “mindfulness” but the way kids learn their value is that they have someone who loves them.

      1. Great point, especially for young men end up radicalized by the far right/internet.

  14. (same poster as 10:08). I do know that my brother’s kids went to prestigious NYC private school and my niece was a great student and he assume that they were covered and then all of a sudden he realized that everyone else had private counselors. She ended up getting in off wait list at school she was happy with but he regretted not having had a private counselor. When I was in high school at NYC private school my college advisor flat out asked if I wanted to go to A or B and I said A and then I got into A and not B. It used to be that the school counselors (especially at private schools) did some negotiating and said things like “take her, this one doesn’t want to come, don’t take him” I have no proof of this but I have a theory that the schools are less willing to do that they used to which is one of the reasons people like a private person.

    1. At the top end I think people with kids in private school want a private counselor because they want an advantage over the other private school kids. For regular middle-class public school kids, the private counselors parents have access to and can afford are not doing this kind of negotiating. They are primarily making sure everything gets turned in on time, which has a lot of value for some kids/families.

  15. Gardening question: what colorful plants would you recommend for a full sun-zone 5 garden which are deer/rabbit resistant?

    1. You may have heard this advice before, but besides any answers here, this may be the kind of question your local extension service office is well prepared to answer!

    2. Azaleas! One of the few plants our aggressive deer won’t eat. Some kinds of lavender, too.

    3. i’m in zone 5b so take this with a grain of salt… it’s very hard to find something that’s colorful all summer. also some of the things that are supposedly deer-resistant get eaten immediately at our house unless I use deer-away spray. just bought some irish spring bars of soap, we’ll see how that does. I’ll try to indicate the month they’re colorful as far as i can remember. we’re on a wooded lot with deer/rabbits and we’ve had luck with all of these.

      __shrubs__ (i’d defer to what’s native — so not butterfly bushes; not sure about the rest of these)
      azaela (may/june)
      rose of sharon (august/sept)
      knock-out roses (june)
      limelight hydrangeas (start white turn pink by august)
      I don’t yet have a hibiscus bush (august) or rhododendrun (may) but i’m considering.

      __perennials__
      daylillies – yellow, purple, reds, all sorts of hybrids. june-august
      daffodils/tulips – may (but i hate the way they look after they’re done blooming, so plant them somewhere wisely)
      peony – may (like a DAY though)
      the taller phlox (not the ground cover)
      clematis (may then september; climbers)
      (coneflowers but we haven’t had luck b/c of deer, but supposedly very resistant – august)
      hyacinths, irises, allum (may)

      __annuals__
      zinnias – supper easy to direct sow/sprinkle over dirt, july-september
      lisanthus – make great cut flowers
      geranium
      celosia (red)
      mandilla (climber, look great on trellises, nice reds and pinks)
      (lots more choices here but these are the ones that I really love)

      1. Agree that nothing is colorful all year. I don’t know whether OP is an experienced gardener or not, but this is a mistake a lot of novice gardeners make. You go to the nursery in the spring and buy what’s pretty and blooming, and then by the end of July, nothing is blooming in your garden. If you want year round blooms, you have to have a plan for staggered blooming. Blooming in spring is the easiest thing in the world (my garden is insane right now), but it gets more difficult from there.

      2. Thank you! Neither I nor DH are experienced gardeners but husband wants to do something special for this, since it’s a pet’s gravesite. I will pass the suggestions and advice along!

    4. Use can use dried blood meal as a deer repellant in your garden, they supposedly dislike the smell.

  16. Do you always negotiate a job offer? I had initially talked about a position a while ago and was assuming it would be director level and had informally thrown out that it needed to be at least 110K. They have come back to formally offer and made it a VP position and it is 40K more as well as a 15K bonus. It feels weird to try to go for more money when this is something way beyond what I was expecting and the range we had initially thrown out informally. I don’t know how this is supposed to work.

    1. I would do what a mediocre white man would do: Negotiate. Ask for 10% more, or, if available, stocks grants/options on top of what they offered. Or, if that’s worth something to you, ask for more vacation days, WFH if appropriate – anything that is of value to you.

    3. Yes, for sure. I would say something like “I appreciate the offer and am very enthusiastic about the role! Based on how the scope of the role has evolved since we first started talking, would you be able to offer X?” And then stop talking.

      2. Or “Based on how the scope of the role has evolved since we first started talking, I expect $X” instead of “can you, would you, pretty-please.”

    4. I’ll be the voice of dissent here. I think if they made you an offer that generously over the range you expected and discussed, you accept the offer (and celebrate the new job, yay!). I don’t agree that most men would ask for more in that circumstance.

    5. Not if you already gave them a number and they generously beat it. I would look at other things you hadn’t discussed (PTO, WFH etc) and see if there’s anything you could ask for within reason. But no, you do not have to negotiate on a great offer.

      1. Disagree. Comp is based on leveling. They re-leveled the role. They beat her comp ask for a lower level role.

        1. Sorry- I didn’t see the part about releveling closely enough. I agree then- they releveled the role so you should definitely ask for more.

      2. Do you have anyone in your field/network you can ask for a discreet “hey, is this a generous offer” double check?

        I don’t think you /have/ to negotiate every single time but… I’ve been burned by a company telling me they never negotiate so don’t bother (as an equity measure! so everyone gets their best possible offer!) which seemed like a pretty good reason to not ask for more – until I saw the hiring process from the other side; and realized they absolutely do negotiate, with the (yes mostly white male) candidates who ask for more anyway

    6. Negotiate. Either salary or sign on bonus or retention bonus or paid days off or something. definitely negotiate.

  17. What motivates (motivated?) people to collect “collectibles”? By collectibles, I mean, well, mass-produced junk: Hess trucks (be very relieved if you’ve never heard of these), commemorative plates, Campbell’s soup mugs, 1980s Coca-Cola products, Beanie Babies, the list goes on. There’s a different category of items that once had financial value, though they’ve since fallen out of favor: Hummel figurines, Madame Alexander dolls, etc.

    I frequent estate sales, and these items are often available by the crateful and there aren’t any buyers for them. They’re just a headache for the family to dispose of. Why did people buy these things by the thousands/millions? Was it the novelty of modern manufacturing that they could just own all this stuff inside their very own home? For the most part, these aren’t Great Depression survivors, as there are few left, so I can’t see a scarcity mindset affecting things.

    1. Some of it is enjoyment. People might genuinely like Beanie Babies. The economic reasons (ie belief that they will be worth Serious Money) tend to not understand that artificial scarcity creates a bubble.

      I collect rare whiskeys. Off the top of my head, here’s why:
      I enjoy drinking it.
      It makes a fantastic gift for friends. Staying at someone’s house for a week? Rare whiskey. Milestone birthday? Rare whiskey.
      It keeps almost indefinitely provided it is sealed.
      It’s value is unlikely to decrease below what I paid for it (MSRP), even if the secondary market fluctuates. Even if it can’t always be sold for 10x what I paid for it, it can be sold for 2x what I paid for it.

      1. I had a friend who collected wine that appreciated. He stored most of it at at Premier Cru in Berkeley.

        https://www.berkeleyside.org/tag/premier-cru-series

        I thought it was because we’re both in CA that he’d have a Berkeley connection, even though he’s in SoCal, but then I met some of his wine friends from NY and FL, and they all lost collections at Premier Cru as well. So, my recommendation is, don’t get to the level where you can’t store it yourself!! I will say, dinners with them were excellent, and I only had to pay my share of the corkage fee.

        (by the way, he net his wine friends from a blog/message board a lot like this one, but for wine)

    2. I don’t get it either. My grandma was a doll collector and they just sat and gathered dust and had to be given away or thrown out when she passed. I collect a few things, like I always get a fridge magnet when I travel, but that’s more to mark an occasion than for the sake of collecting, plus they serve a purpose.

      I think it used to be more common for people to have cabinets to display things like china hutches, so they were able to show off their plates or dolls or whatever. I don’t know anyone with that kind of furniture these days.

      1. I’m the only person I know with that kind of furniture.
        Most people have a couple of shelves for books and decorations, but it’s rare to see old school display furniture anymore.

        1. They’re built into my 1909 house – glass-doored china cabinets in the dining room, separate from the cupboards closer to the kitchen for everyday dishes. The person we bought the house from had collectibles in the china cabinet. I use it for china now.

      2. Fridge magnets for the win! Small, cheap, fun, don’t take up any room in luggage or in the house (at least they don’t once you paint the laundry room with magnetic paint and put them in there…).

    3. i was going to ask this, but about things of actual value – one of my friends was complaining that her husband likes to collect autographed memorabilia and recently spent $10k to buy something signed by George Washington. I realize this is a totally different category of stuff than you’re talking about, but he basically buys it and stores it out of sight somewhere. I don’t get it.

      i will say i’ve been in the childhood bedroom of one of my college besties husbands and he has a pretty large cocoa cola can collection. as a kid i collected candles and pins, but idk, i guess i thought it was fun to get new ones an display them in my room?

      1. I think something like a George Washington document has actual historical interest and value which makes a difference.

    4. My grandma had a collection of a specific animal figurine. When I asked her about it, she said that when the first grandkids were old enough, she picked something that would be easy for the grandkids to buy for her — mostly to contain the random gifts. She collected some other higher value things – e.g., grandpa would buy her one of them each year for Christmas and then factor in that she lived nearly to a 100 and you get a big collection. No real answer other than that when you live to your 70s+ you can accumulate a lot.

    5. My husband is an eBay reseller just as a hobby. He will go to local thrift stores, find obscure things, and put them up on eBay for sale. My observation is that elements of nostalgia and scarcity drive these purchases. I honestly can’t even think of an example of things he’s sold because they’re so random to me. There is a whole cottage industry around this so just because it’s not picked up locally at an estate sale, it very well may be sold later on the internet.

      He also sells regular stuff where people just seem to be looking for something slightly below retail. He once sold a pair of my used Havianas for a $2 profit to prove a point. It’s wild to me.

    6. It historically became a problem for our economy when people had everything they needed and weren’t shopping a ton anymore. A ton of effort was invested into getting people to want stuff they didn’t need and collecting was specifically promoted via marketing.

      Technological advance and planned obsolescence have created a ton of new consumer categories since then, so promoting and encouraging collecting isn’t really as necessary or as as effective as it used to be.

      That’s the historical story, but I swear sometimes it’s also a ND special interest/obsession/magpie thing.

    7. I think there are lots of reasons— The objects bring back some sort of memory that is pleasurable (like the Campbell’s soup mug reminding you of being taken care of by a parent). They think the objects will be valuable some day. They actually like trains or whatever and looking at the object makes them happy. They think it will help them remember a big event in history (the bicentennial, a royal wedding, etc). They liked having 1-2 trains and people thought they wanted more so gave as gifts, and it became difficult to give away a gift from the grandkids.

      Or maybe, like another poster, they’re mementos from travels or events. The refrigerator magnets are meaningful to the person traveling, but if you think about a stranger looking at the pile of magnets at an estate sale, it just looks like a lot of items.

      If a person is weighed down by a collection, I feel sad for them and wish they could “be free” of it and give it away or get rid of it in their lifetime. But owning minimal possessions isn’t some sort of moral stance. If they liked looking at the collection and it brought them joy, then I’m not sure there’s much to understand beyond that. These people didn’t have an obligation to get rid of all their stuff before they died.

    8. I collect snow globes. I have a very nostalgic memory associated with them, and they were often bought on trips that I have fond memories of or have to do with a topic that interests me, so they “spark joy” everytime I look at them. I also like that I have a souvenir to buy everywhere I go, and don’t get tempted by the rest of the useless junk sold at souvenir shops that I’ll just eventually throw away anyways.

      1. My son collects a snow globe from all our vacations and I collect a Christmas ornament. It truly keeps us from buying useless junk when we are travelling.

    9. My parents collected a certain type of glassware. It started with my mom–I think because the manufacturing plant was near her hometown. They spent almost every weekend while I was growing up off on road trips to antique stores. They met other collectors and became friends with some of them through a national group they formed. My dad collected honey pots as well (beekeeping hobby initially and received some as gifts). I think they got a lot of joy out of the hunt and find and haggling for the best deal. Perhaps how some of those reading this blog may feel about buying special bags or shoes. If you were to ask my mom, those were the happiest years of her life. (Dad has now passed.) My perspective is pretty dark. I grew up alone most weekends being watched by an older brother who would sometimes leave me without food. I also grew up pretty poor being picked on for my clothes and not having a lot of basic stuff while they were out spending money on glassware–glassware that depreciated in value considerably with the advent of ebay. I see her rows and rows of carefully tagged glassware in the basement as the childhood I was supposed to have and vow never to put stuff over people in my own life. The only way I’m able to have a decent relationship with her today is that I long ago decided to view their collection hobby like a mental illness. If I think of it as obsessive/compulsive it helps me make some peace with things.

      1. I had a parent who put their wants ahead of my childhood needs, it’s awful and I’m sorry you went through that.
        I hope it was mental illness in your parent’s case because the alternative is just heartbreaking.
        I have a few collections and as much as I enjoy finding new pieces, I would sell everything to meet my kids needs.

    10. Because they bring that person joy.
      I have a few collections, and I have them because I like them and they make smile when I look at them. I have no idea what the resale value will be, and that isn’t why I have them anyway.
      Yes, my kids/possible grandkids will have to deal with all the stuff when I die, we’ve actually talked about it. The consensus was “yeah, we will probably be annoyed by it all, but that’s just part of dealing with death…”

    11. I don’t get it either. I have an elderly aunt who always asks me what I collect in the hopes of getting me items for my collection and she is always so disappointed when I tell her nothing. She collects loads of things (cats, blue and white china, natural stones…) and so does her son (mid 50s, collects souvenir plates). I always assumed that for a certain generation it’s just what you did and it is still true in certain areas/communities.

      I also think that for some adults it’s a way to justify getting things you wanted as a kid like action figures etc. I know more than one adult male with an action figure collection. I don’t judge but it’s hard not to roll my eyes when they start explaining how lucrative their Hulk collection is going to be one day. I also have some friends who collect things like matchbooks or beer glasses but that strikes me as more organic and informal than beanie babies or hulk figurines or whatever.

      1. Ha, my mom always tells me things like “One day you’ll get my china collection!” Like oh great, a set of 20 formal china place settings I’ll never use or have the room to store.

    12. I received Madame Alexander dolls from my grandmothers as a kid. They sat in a display cabinet because they were so “special”. My kids now just play with them like any other dolls. Over time the rubber band joints have failed, the elastic in the clothes has stretched out…not sure what else to do with them! And I have no idea why I received all of these dolls.

      1. Hey, either (1) they aren’t going to be used because they’re stored carefully on a shelf, or (2) they aren’t going to be used because they were enjoyed to pieces. I’d rather be in option (2)!

      2. Ha! I also received those dolls as a kid and my mother still displays that at her house. She once tried to get me to take them when I was in my 20s so that I could display them at home (um, no), I have two sons, who are not interested in the dolls, so they’ll just stay at her house indefinitely.

    13. My mother loved her dolls. It wasn’t about the money. I am now paying to keep them in storage because I can’t deal with finding a good home for them. It is the price of grief. I collect depression glass because it is pretty. Our parents and grandparents did not see how all of this collecting would play out in the future.

    15. My brother was just telling me about some new plush toy that is in this category, so it’s not a novelty thing or something that is going away. I think it is people who don’t understand money and are sold on the idea these are “investments” and they want to make an easy buck.

    16. Financial value, and resale value, is based in part on supply and demand. Hummel and madame alexander dolls are everywhere these days so thier current value is low. Cherished teddies falls into this catagory too…
      I collect vintage royal doulton figurines and their value increases with their age and rarity…

    17. I couldn’t tell you. My grandmother collected those painted china plates from the Franklin Mint and other places, and while it did give her a lot of enjoyment, she spent a ton of money on them (my grandparents were always firmly middle-middle class) and then didn’t have a lot of money in retirement; my mom and uncle had to partially financially support her. And of course, the plates ended up being worth nothing and when she passed, we sent them to the Salvation Army, where almost assuredly they then went to the landfill. It would have benefited her so much more to put the money in the bank.

      I thrift shop a lot and the sheer amount of collectible junk that ends up in thrifts is amazing to me. Things that people spent a fair amount of money on, kept carefully preserved, and then put out for sale at some exorbitant price no one is willing to pay. I just don’t think there’s much of a market for “collectible” unusable decorative goods, any more. I know I have difficulty buying things that aren’t usable. I have a vinyl record collection, but we – you know – actually listen to the records.

      I actually get sad sometimes in thrift shops or at estate sales when I see what was obviously a painstakingly-assembled, expensive collection of objects that transparently sat and gathered dust for years, and is now out on a sale table marked down to $1/item, with no takers. What a waste of resources, of all kinds.

    18. My husband collects anything related to his favorite ninja turtle, including mass produced funko pops. It makes no sense to me, but he loves it.

      2. Oh yeah, I know a grown man with high school to college aged kids who has a Star Wars room. A room. And his kids have never been allowed to touch anything!

    19. Hess trucks were awesome, but they were toys I actually played with, not something that collected dust on a shelf. Thanks for bringing back a memory – long live the Hess truck!

    20. Obsession. Just like we talk about work clothes a lot, and some of us are really into them (don’t get me started on my obsession with shoes), there are collectible obsessions too. My mom collected Hummel, including Hummel plates (wtf). She loved them, they made her happy for some reason, but I’m certainly glad she didn’t view them as an investment. We split them up when she died and I ended up with some of the plates, which I will never do anything with. I checked online just out of curiosity and they’re worth exactly nothing.

      She also set up a Madame Alexander collection for her oldest grandchild, so you are spot on!

      As to your comment about the Great Depression, my mom was born toward the tail end of the depression, just before WWII. Her mom was a true Depression mom, frugal and always ready to go bust. She would not have collected things. I think my mom’s interest in it was a reaction to her frugal childhood.

      There are lots of articles about how the current generation doesn’t want the prior generation’s stuff, whether it’s heavy dark wood furniture in matching sets, china, glassware, or collectibles. I think if you’re interested in collecting, you have to do it for yourself.

  18. I read a poll this morning that 35% of people, and 43% of millennials, would prefer to be non-monogamous. Does this sound right to you? If your partner was down, would you be interested in that route? The article I read made it sound like monogamy is increasingly becoming a relic of a bygone era, though maybe this is more in places like NYC.

    1. This is definitely not uncommon in NYC and probably most large cities. I think it makes sense for some people and I have some friends who are not monogamous, but it’s not for me.

    2. That seems really high to me. Maybe they mean Gen Z? Millennials are almost 40, we’re not super young! I don’t personally know of anyone in a hetero relationship who is non-monogamous, although it’s certainly possible I know people who are non-monogomous but I’m not close enough to them to know. I have had three different straight men tell me they were in official open relationships and it turns out they were just looking to cheat. All are divorced now.

      1. Older Gen X here. I cannot tell you how many men I knew, mostly through work, who told me and other women that they were in open or “don’t ask, don’t tell” relationships, which turned out to be a big surprise to the wife in every single case.

    3. In my experience in my 15+ years on dating apps in a large city, it’s largely men who claim to be poly (when I think it’s really just a more socially-palatable label for being unwilling to commit).

      1. Yes, there are so many ENM hetero men in dating apps. I am NOT in a large city and it’s still common. I think most of it is BS, in that I don’t think the wife is on board in the way the husband portrays it.

    4. I know of two people (late 20s – mid 30s who are non-monogamous). Everyone else I know (at least outwardly) has no interest in polyamory.

      I know I would hate, hate, hate it.

    5. So that poll has been floating around for a while. In general, I’m skeptical of the accuracy of a lot of YouGov polls because of how they recruit the survey population (ie online). I think that skews their panel base toward Extremely Online people, which in turn colors the results. I’m an older millennial and I only know one person who is non monogamous, and he’s gay. I do have a friend whose ex-husband is in a poly relationship.

    6. Those numbers seem really high. Among my female millenial friends none of us are interested in non-monogamy, it’s just a lot of extra work to deal with schedules, emotions, planning of yet another person. There doesn’t seem to be any upside, it’s much easier to invest in good gardening and connection with one person, than juggle the needs of a bunch of people for mediocre gardening.

    7. Not even a little bit appealing. The province of people who haven’t found a satisfying relationship.

      2. Right!? One man is more than enough! I can’t imagine juggling two or more. I guess if I were attracted to women I could see the appeal of a two woman, one man relationship.

    8. Caveat that I haven’t vetted this myself, but a neuroscience grad student on Twitter (@datepsych) just published results of his own survey showing the “rejection scores” for traits on dating apps, like “dating bio is violent” or “dating bio expresses racism.” His results showed that 74% of women would guranteed reject a man’s profile for “interest in non-monogamy” and 60% would do the same for “interest in poly or kink.”

      Beyond that, I’d say that a lot of progressives out there as “do as I say, not as I do” when it comes to this subject. Highly educated, higher-income people (who are more likely to be progressive) are also the most likely to get married, own homes, and follow other more traditional paths. They tend to espouse support for non-monogamy, but not practice it.

      1. Yeah, your last point is right and applies beyond this situation. Check out Rob Henderson’s essays on “luxury beliefs.”

    9. I wonder how they defined the term. Does it specifically mean people who want a poly relationship? That seems high. Does it include people looking for casual sex (not for a committed monogamous relationship) and those who would be simply open to a threesome?

    10. Honestly, you can’t really trust any poll. They are all so biased/selected.

      I’d be curious what the breakdown of ages, and men/women. I think that would not be surprising (eg. more young people, more men favoring non-monogamous). Sure, fewer and fewer folks are marrying, and people are marrying older, more divorce, more 2nd marriages etc…. Things have been changing for decades. Doesn’t surprise me if more want to be non-monogamous.

      But honestly…. who has the time? Energy? Options?

    11. FWIW, the people in open relationships I know generally live in red states or conservative-leaning suburbs. I agree that most NYC people actually tend to be fairly traditional in practice, if not in theory. I also can appreciate the appeal. I don’t think monogamy is going to be a bygone era but there is probably enough people out there who would be happy to be monnagamish, to borrow a Dan Savage term. It’s hard to find one person who will fulfill all your needs over the course of a long life together and there is more gray area to this than we like to recognize, I think.

    12. This sounds high to me but I do think there’s a not insignificant portion of young millennials and gen Z who are interested in non-monog. I find this to be heavily clustered in LGBTQ communities (and, of course, the Extremely Online). Fwiw the non-monogamous people I know are gay men and I think there is a pretty strong tradition of swinging/non-monogamy among many gay male communities–we just talk about it differently now. My spouse and I have been together since we were super young and mutually dated/slept with other people during the college part of our relationship. While I don’t think I’d want to anymore, it’s not totally out of the question to me that we might revisit casual sex with other people in the future–I think I’d only want to do that together now though.

      1. I agree that most of the gay male couples I know have looser views on non-monogamy than the straight couples I know, and the lesbian couples are THE MOST monogamous.

    13. Most people would prefer to be nonmonogamous themselves but want (at least) their primary partner to be monogamous. This goes doubly for people who view or have in the past viewed gardening as a casual recreational activity and not something that is solely for committed relationships. I think the current popularity of nonmonogamy is an extension of greater acceptance of casual relationships combined with a desire to not be a hypocrite. I also think about 99% of people who said they’d be down for nonmonogamy in the abstract would not be cool with their current serious partner gardening with others.

      1. This describes me, honestly. I do not want an open relationship, but I do want to be able to keep my relationship intact but still occasionally visit with my situationship. It’s just the truth, though I could see the appeal fading if my BF and I were not living an hour apart and more deeply connected over time.

      3. “Most people would prefer to be nonmonogamous themselves but want (at least) their primary partner to be monogamous.”

        Is this really true? *Most* people feel this way? I don’t.

        2. I don’t either and none of my close friends do. I think it might be true for gay men but doesn’t ring true to me for most women or even straight men.

        3. I anticipated this kind of comment. Yeah I think at least 50.01% of the American public prefers more personal freedom rather than less (because I know I’M responsible!) but also prefers others to live by more stringent rules (because I want to be secure in the knowledge that others will be responsible). You can apply that mindset to all sorts of things but yes I think monogamy is among them.

          1. I don’t think it’s as simple as “more personal freedom” though. I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone else even if I knew for sure my husband was ok with it. It just holds no appeal for me. I think many married people, particularly women, feel that way.

    16. One of my best friends (female) is poly and bi and it works really well for her and her partners. She’s been this way since HS, we just didn’t have a word for it back then (we’re elder millenials). The only other people I know who have flirted with the idea are a couple who repeatedly cheat on each other and fight but are still somehow together (twice a week couples counseling for 5+ years now…). I think they just both enjoy the drama of it all. I also know a couple who have separated and date other people but still live in the same house with their elementary aged kid and have not told the kid (it’s been 3+ years).
      None of this is for me, but I’m happy for my one poly friend because she is happy. The rest… I wish them well.

    17. I think that pretty much ties with all the headlines that Gen Z are not having much s3x at all.

    18. My boyfriend and I (late 20s) are in an open relationship for the time being–we are temporarily long distance and are on the same page of “be discreet and have fun, I don’t want to hear about it”. We will go back to being monogamous once we’re in the same city in the fall. I don’t know what he tells any women he may meet–I am upfront with guys that I have a boyfriend and we are open.

      I definitely do go down the thought spiral of what if there was a pregnancy or a Fatal Attraction situation but I trust him enough to know we’d figure it out if that were to happen. It works for us for now, but I would not be nearly as comfortable with it if we lived in the same place, were married or had children.

    19. I’m somewhere between Demi and Asexual, so I have no interest in exploring outside my marriage, but I did give my husband permission to have an outside relationship with a specific person once. We talked about it extensively until I felt like I knew what he was looking for. I was confident in our relationship and didn’t see a threat to me/us for him to spend some time with another person (I just didn’t want details). Once that relationship ended, he hasn’t shown interest in anyone else, but if it came up again, I would be open to it still.

  19. I am obsessed with these pants but can’t spend $230. Anyone have any dupes at a lower price-point?

  20. Does anyone have a rec for a personal trainer in the SF Bay Area / East Bay (or nearby) who specializes in working with women over 40? Athletic all my life, doing OTF, lifting, etc., and my body is reacting differently now. Looking for advice adjusting for age -related body changes and results. Thanks!

    1. Mindy Berla at BK Roots fitness. She is in Oakland.

      She is absolutely outstanding.

      She has a great insta presence too.

      She used to be my trainer in SF and she helped me lose 25 lbs. She is smart, empathetic, knows her stuff, and she knows when to push you to get results. Highly recommend/worth every penny.

  21. WWYD – we were at a small wedding at a restaurant over the weekend. DH sat in a chair that had an errant screw poking up that tore a 2″ rip into his good suit pants. I pointed out the chair discreetly to a waiter, who removed the chair. The wedding was very small and the couple are very good friends; we did not want to ruin their day by causing a fuss about it. But now we have a large rip that may or may not be able to be repaired (going to Brooks Brothers later this week to see what they say). The suit is a few years old so we may not just be able to replace the pants. One more hitch – we are not local to the restaurant. Would you contact the restaurant and request that they pay to repair or replace the pants?

        1. Thanks all – and no, we wouldn’t think of mentioning to the bride and groom. It just stinks that a nice suit may be completely ruined because of someone’s carelessness.

          Curious, if it hadn’t been at a wedding, would it change any of the answers?

          1. No. Things happen in life; not everything is a situation where you need to find the liability and hold someone accountable.

            It’s a little weird for me that you and your husband are this spun up about the pants of a several-years-old Brooks Brothers suit (I realize those are not inexpensive, but it’s not like he was wearing a suit he’d had made-to-measure on Savile Row or something). Whether this happened at a wedding, a restaurant, a friend’s house or just walking down the street, I’d be giving you the same advice: sometimes sh*t happens. Let it go. Husband can use this as an excuse to go buy a new suit.

          3. tbh, no. That sucks but it’s not like a waiter spilled a tray of food on you. I once tore the cord of a pair of headphones bc it caught on a loose piece of metal decorative trim in a hotel. I would not have dreamed of going to the lobby and asking for $.

          4. Nope. This isn’t something that you blame on someone else/make them pay for. It sucks but it is what it is.

          5. No. You live in the world things happen. I cannot believe you are seriously asking this.

          7. also, sorry but this bugged me – “someone’s carelessness.” DH could also have looked at the seat before sitting down, which I usually do in restaurants just to make sure there’s not food on it.

          8. No.

            This happens to me every once in a while at one of our local courthouses. The underside of some of the tabletops of the counsel tables is splintering – but not enough to break skin – and it eats everything it touches. I’ve lost countless pairs of pantyhose to those tables. It’s snagged multiple jackets and skirts, especially anything with a nice texture. We joke among the bar that it’s the courthouse staff’s way to exact revenge on lawyers who linger too long in their courtroom. No one would ever complain. When you wear nice things you should watch where you sit.

          9. “It just stinks that a nice suit may be completely ruined because of someone’s carelessness.”

            This wasn’t somebody’s fault. Sometimes life is just not fair and you need to deal with it!

          10. Adding to the chorus — I just don’t understand who you thought was careless here – the chair? The restaurant had a chair that worked, it stopped working when your husband got poked, they promptly removed it — what more were they supposed to do?

    7. These things happen. Unfortunately you just have to suck it up and never, ever mention it to the wedding couple.

    9. No—this is called life. Sometimes things happen. It doesn’t mean you get to try to blame someone. (On what planet would this ever be a concern of the bride or groom?) If there were someone to blame it might be DH for not looking before he sat.But truly, I would just chalk it up to bad luck, much like spilling coffee on your favorite white shirt or a heel that gets scuffed by a sidewalk crack.

      1. +1. To the extent anyone was careless, it was your DH. I have had something similar happen to me in court and am now very careful where I sit while wearing nice clothes.

    12. Frankly, I think you need to focus this energy on mending the pants. I’m positive that they’re not a total loss and if it’s not a repair you can do yourselves, you can find a tailor. You don’t need to throw out the whole suit.

      1. Yes, look for a re-weaving specialist, many tailors have them, or have one that they send work to. Brooks Bros can probably point you in the right direction.

    13. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I love how it’s a two person job to see if the pants can be repaired.

    14. These are the most unanimous responses I think I’ve ever seen to a question here!

    1. No, but I am sure my dementia-obsessed mother has, so I’d better read up so I can discuss it with her. Thanks for the heads up

  23. For those of you in relationships where you aren’t married (either yet or not planning on it or whatever) how do you respond when people assume that your partner is your spouse? I’m divorced with kids and am in a relationship with a man who also has kids. We were at a party this weekend and at multiple points others referred to one of us to the other as husband/wife or I had told someone something about my kids and she then attributed “my kids” to him…. it feels awkward to correct them (which I did, “my kids are here at this bat mitzah, his kid is in europe on a study abroad”) and then the person who had made the mistake was embarrassed….. is there some way of signalling this? The only thing i can come up with is that some people introduce themselves “I am Suzie, this is my husband, David” but I don’t know that saying “I am Suzie and this is David” prevents anyone from thinking David is Suzie’s husband. I don’t like boyfriend (feels very young to me) and he isn’t really my partner so I’m at a loss as what title might be accurate but descriptive.

    1. Boyfriend may seem young, but I think it best conveys what you are trying to express, especially if you don’t want to use the term partner.

    2. I think you have to suck it up and use boyfriend or partner. He is your boyfriend – if you don’t want people assuming he’s your husband, you need to use your words. You can’t decide you don’t like any of the non-husband words and then lament that people don’t know what he is to you.

      Once you guys are more established and the kids are integrated, I’d just let people call him your husband and call the kids your kids. I was calling my mom’s boyfriend “stepdad” for years before they got married, since they were together 20 years before a wedding.

    3. There is something to signal to others whether you’re married- it’s called a wedding band. If people don’t see one on your finger and call him your husband then it’s their mistake. I don’t think it’s a big deal if the person is mildly embarrassed. You politely corrected them and moved on with the conversation.

      1. Married 38 years here and neither of us wear wedding bands. He lost his, replaced it, and lost the 2nd one by year 20. I took mine off when I was pregnant in year 10 and never put it back on.

    4. Also consider the context and whether people need to have the exactly correct info. Strangers at a party with whom you’re making small talk probably don’t really need to know if you’re married or whose kids are whose. But if you do want to, just very breezily correct them in the moment. Emphasis on being breezy about it. If you’re not scolding them they won’t be embarrassed.

      1. original poster here. i wouldn’t/ didn’t correct if they referred to him as my husband but it has to be clarified if i am talking about my boys who are in middle school and he is talking about a daughter in college. the woman looked very confused, it needed an explanation (granted as i am writing it maybe she shouldn’t have been so confused)

        1. She was confused about the age gap? I have a full brother who was only 5 when I left for college; plenty of families have large age gaps. But also, you can just let people be a little confused. They will ask clarifying questions if it’s important to them.

    5. Years ago, I was at a party and someone said something about my husband. I was confused, and he pointed to the guy I was casually dating. “Oh we aren’t married” and I laughed. Various chit chat ensued. It was a non issue, just amusing at the time.

      (I’m now married and he’s now engaged to my best friend.)

    6. If he’s not your partner and you don’t want to call him your boyfriend, then I guess the next best option is “this is my friend David.” (I think the “with benefits” can be implied.)

      1. I’m late 50s and I’ve heard “my friend” in place “boyfriend” pretty frequently for the last several years.

      2. Please do not do this. Better just to introduce the person by name. “Friend” makes it sound as if you are trying to hide something or signal to people that “I have a partner but if you acknowledge it I will attack you for being nosy.”

        1. If “friend” signals “the details are none of your business,” I consider that a feature, not a bug.

          2. It’s aggressive, like “I dare you to ask or make assumptions so I can jump down your throat.” Just don’t give a label at all if you want to signal that the details are private. Or even better, don’t bring your secret boyfriend to a work event.

    7. I just say “Oh, we’re not married.” I refer to him as BF in conversation but I don’t introduce him by anything but his name.

  24. Can anyone help me find the top in the pictured photo on the Nordstrom link for these pants? I am surprised it is not in the outfits at the bottom of that page. Thanks!

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