Suit of the Week: The Fold

103 Comments

1. If you travel for work, are you absolutely beat the next day?

   I’m in a cycle where I’m traveling most Tuesdays and Wednesdays and am “on” the entire time I’m traveling. By Thursday when I’m home, all I can manage is huddling under a blankie on the couch answering emails from my phone. I wish I could put in a regular workday – I need to follow-up on everything from the traveling days – but I feel physically incapable. Do I lack the traveling gene or does everyone in their mid-40s feel like this after traveling?

   1. It’s not the travel, it’s being “on” that long in a row. Introverts unite. (It’s not that we can’t be “on”… it’s that we need to recover from all that social energy!)

      1. This. If I’m ‘on’ to an intense degree (presenting to clients, interacting with senior partners) I’m absolutely wiped afterwards for a solid day.
         Regular conference attendance or lower stakes travel I’m tired after but more like ‘I had a busy weekend with less downtime than I’d like’ tired, not couch bound.

      2. This. My work travel is usually “optional” breakfast before all day workshops, often including some kind of working lunch, then an “optional” happy hour and leadership team dinner. The optional things are not really optional given my role, and the trips are usually 2 full and 1 half day, so I get home the night of the 3rd day. At that point, I literally sit in a dark room alone for an hour or two before I say anything more than hi to my husband. He knows not to be offended by it.

   2. Depends on the travel since I do struggle with jetlag, especially on flights over 9 hours. But that doesn’t sound like what you are doing.

      Otherwise I am tired but push through. That means my computer is open, I’m sitting up, and I’m wearing clothes. Our bodies respond to these kinds of signals, after all. Usually the constant barrage of emails and meetings sucks me in and gives me the momentum to roll forward and make progress.

   3. Yeah, 100%. And I’m only mid-30s!

   4. This is nearly every week? Yes, I would definitely be wiped on Thursdays.

   5. i think a combo. my DH travels like this and your post is making me realize i should be more empathetic bc i don’t think i could do this…but we have two young kids and solo parenting is also hard.

      1. I’ve done both the solo parenting and the travel, and for me the travel is definitely more exhausting. I actually find solo parenting easier than regular parenting because you can justify going into “easy” mode and not cooking a full adult-style dinner, having movie night, etc., and because you don’t have another adult around whose needs you need to cater to.

   6. Totally normal. I can’t even be away for a night without feeling exhausted. I dislike traveling!

   7. I somehow stockholmed myself into being relaxed while traveling. Being comfortable while on the road really helped with that rebound.

   8. I travel about once a month for pleasure and increasingly (late 30s) find it exhausting, so yes, this sounds exhausting to me.

2. I’d love to hear advice from folks that have been in my situation, which is that I am really tired of my job but am having trouble finding something better for a variety of reasons. What did you do to make yourself happier in the meantime? I think the answer is to find more challenge satisfaction outside of work, or at least outside of my normal job responsibilities, but I could use some inspiration about what that might look like.

   Additional context: I’m in my late 40s in a niche nonprofit fundraising job in the arts in NYC. I’ve been in my current role for almost 10 years. One kid in middle school who is getting pretty independent. I am very reluctant to leave the arts and not willing to relocate, and my skills are fairly specialized–basically only larger nonprofits would have this specialist role, and there are few in the arts big enough to pay what I am currently making. I’m considering becoming a consultant instead, and have also tried to to get hired for a more generalist senior fundraising position, but so far have been unsuccessful. I may need to give up on staying in the arts, but I’m not quite there yet. My organization is going through difficult leadership changes and is short staffed, and I’m pretty bored. Outside of work, my main hobby is running, which I really enjoy but it does kind of wear me out.

   1. Maybe it’s useful to think in the short-term and the long-term. In the short-term, it sounds like you need some creative challenge. That could be learning something new (take an art class, a cooking class, a language class, a Mah Jong class, etc.). It’s a small thing with little time and brain commitment, but it offers the newness that brains require periodically.

      Longer term, you’ll want to keep an eye on your professional landscape, to see and go after potential opportunities with your specific skill set. You could start putting feelers out with people you know, networking, etc.

   2. I have a friend in a very similar role to yours who was also feeling similarly. After looking around and working with a career coach in the field and considering some other options, she decided to stay put. Part of the reasoning for her is the current political and economic instability — fundraising is never easy but could become close to impossible in the next couple of years, so staying somewhere you have a strong track record is a big safety net. I don’t know the name of the coach but apparently there’s one woman who has works in this field specifically in NYC — if you can find her, might be worth a consultation.

      1. OP here – The one good thing about the lack of government funding for the arts is that I feel relatively insulated from the current chaos, although a tanking stock market hits will make any fundraising difficult. It’s still hard to imagine it will be worse than the pandemic was for us though; we were fully shut down for 18 months. The org I work for gets a grant total of $0 in Federal funding, and city and state funds make up less than 1% of our budget, with the city being the much larger piece. (Fun fact: the City of New York is the largest public arts funder in the US). It is probably not a great time to work in institutional giving at a university.

   3. Given your career, presumably you have a background in the arts yourself? Most of the people I know who work in admin roles in the arts also practice their art on the side at a lower but still satisfying level. Like the dancers take adult class, and the musicians join volunteer ensembles or teach lessons or take minor gigs. I do this and find it surprisingly satisfying even though I’m no longer performing at the same level I did in college.

      1. Yeah, I used to – I was a visual artist. I gave it up when my son was born and have never really wanted to go back to it. I no longer feel like I could claim to be a real artist. But I think finding a way to make art without trying to actually be a successful artist–e.g. not trying to show or sell my work–might be the answer? I no longer have a studio or equipment, and the whole idea of being an artist is emotionally fraught. But maybe I need to explore the possibility and/or a completely different medium or something. I took a silk painting workshop last fall and had a wonderful time.

         1. Oh . . .it makes me sad that something you presumably enjoy (and are good at) you feel you no longer qualify for. Please, please do start exploring something that will help you regain some joy in the simple act of creating.

         2. A different medium can be really helpful. I played an instrument and gave it up after college. I’ve tried picking it up several times since then and it’s definitely emotionally fraught. I will never be anywhere near as good as I was at 21 unless I practice far more hours than I have available, I will never make up for the years of lost progress compared with my former peers, and I will never again play with as good an orchestra as the one I played in back then. I know what it should sound like and feel like and I just can’t make it happen any more. A few years ago I started taking voice lessons, which was entirely new to me. Even thought I can’t produce all of the sounds I wish I could produce, I am enjoying what I am able to do and the improvement I’m making. There are also a lot more opportunities for a good adult amateur to perform, even as a soloist, than there would be on my instrument. There is zero pressure to be constantly auditioning or to get paid gigs. I am having the time of my life.

            1. +1 to a different medium. Maybe, just for a challenge, go for a walk each lunch next week with your phone. Have fun taking pictures. Try looking at the world through the eyes you had in high school with a new roll of film and a myspace to update. You don’t have to show them to anyone, or you could have your family vote on their favorite of the week. As much as I love my cameras, you would be shocked with what your phone can accomplish.

         3. Oh, and I totally get the feeling that you can no longer claim to be a real artist. My teacher and conductors call me a “singer,” but I can’t bring myself to claim the term. You are still allowed to enjoy yourself without being a “real” professional artist.

         4. I am not an artist, but I took a stained glass workshop last year and I really loved it. If I had a suitable space to set up, I might like to try doing it more at home. Just as a hobby nothing more.

            1. I have a relative who does pottery at a studio where she can just pay for time and materials so she doesn’t have to keep any equipment or supplies at home. She loves it.

            2. I keep wanting to make myself some suncatchers.

   4. Hello me, I am also in a niche nonprofit and so tired of my job (toxic manager) and trying to find something else, but the job market is brutal. I keep applying and applying and I get interviews, but there’s always some catch – not enough money, terrible benefits, they want someone in the office 5 days a week, terrible commute, etc. No advice but I sympathize. I’m so deeply unhappy, it feels hopeless.

      1. It does feel like opportunities have dried up all of a sudden. I have been applying and interviewing for over a year now, and the situation has been bleak since … late 2024 maybe?

         1. PS – and yes, I’ve lowered my standards and applied for some jobs that I had deep reservations about, but I just know too much to take crazy leaps at this point in my life. I actually withdrew after interviews at three different organizations. The golden handcuffs are real.

            1. You’re not alone, OP. I’m in my mid-40s and would love to leave my job. Have not been able to pull the trigger on anything else, even when offered, because I’m not sure I’d actually end up in a better situation. Also in a small niche market … the golden handcuffs are so real. I keep telling myself to make it at least until my oldest graduates high school

            2. I’m exactly the same way – I’ve been in too many awful non-profits to go back and take a job that I have reservations about. I can’t put myself in those situations again.

   5. So this is definitely a really personal decision, but I was in a similar spot, and I just quit

      I save aggressively, live frugally (could cover my “necessary” costs with a minimum wage job if I needed to extend runway) and decided I was ok with the financial risks. I had also been wanting to leave my current company for a couple years but just struggling to gather the mental resources to really aggressively apply. I am, in general, absolutely terrible at quitting stuff, and I knew my mind would just stay in “but maybe if I try XYZ, I can finally fix my current job!” as long as I was there. Staying there was killing my sense of initiative, creativity and confidence – everything that makes me good at my job.

      If I think of it as a bet, I decided the expected value of forcing myself to leave was net positive; even though there’s obviously a risk it’ll go badly and I’ll regret this.

      Maybe this decision doesn’t make sense in your life, but just to put it out there as an option. It’s ok to decide to keep the safe stable thing, and it’s also ok to take a big audacious risk

      1. Good for you! I want to hear where you land – how exciting!

         I don’t think my husband would be on board with this; both of us are too cautious, and my income is over 50% of our HHI. (He’s a teacher, a well-paid teacher, but a teacher). But I love that you took the leap and can see the wisdom in it.

3. I’m sure there are people for whom this is a simple non-problem, but I am not that person.

   What to wear to graduation parties? One is for an eighth-grade ceremony, indoors. One is for a backyard celebration for two high-school graduates. (All of the graduates are close family.). Is this a sundress situation? A slacks situation? Shorts & a t-shirt picnic situation?

   Thanks for your help — this really isn’t where my talents are!

   1. Where do you live and what will the weather be like? Ceremony is probably a dress of some kind, though it’s currently snowing where I live, so a sundress might not be the right kind, and you could do pants if you prefer, especially if it’s cold. For a backyard party, I’ve seen everything from equally dressy to shorts and a t shirt. If you really have no idea, I’d go either with a casual dress.

   2. This is where I’d just go to Lilly Pulitzer and buy a dress that you like along with a sweater you can wear over it and call it a day.
      https://www.lillypulitzer.com/dresses/elevated-everyday-dresses/

      1. Why oh why does Lilly have to be so far outside my budget?

         1. Here’s the trick: Go to the store, try things on, and make note of what you like. Then check the sale rack at the back of the store regularly. When the print you like goes on sale, have the store call around to other stores to find the item you want in your size.

            Alternatively, wait for the “sunshine sale.” No returns, so again you have to know what you want and know that it fits before ordering.

            1. +1 to this. Lily is never really ‘in style’ so I usually buy a ton of stuff on deep discount at the sunshine sale and call it a day.

            2. A girlfriend of mine does this then immediately searches poshmark for the dress she liked.

      2. Personally I’d sub Sue Sartor for Lily

   3. If it’s close family I’d ask the mother of the children what she’s wearing and use that as a guide!

      1. This. What is family party attire for this particular set of relatives?

   4. 8th grade ceremonies in the school gym with a strong change you will be climbing the bleachers? My normal office attire (trousers, blouse, and a non-matching blazer with flats). We are a semi-rural school district so hoodies with yoga pants and jeans with steel-toed boots were heavily represented in the audience.

      Backyard with my close family? Normal weekend BBQ casual clothes appropriate for the weather.

   5. For the high school graduation, I would wear a spring dress and plan to wear a denim jacket or other topper if it’s cool. But slacks would be fine, too, if you wear a nice top with it. I wouldn’t go as casual as I would for a backyard picnic; it’s still a festive occasion!

      8th grade graduation is harder. Some are dress up occasions, and others are extremely casual. If it’s following the regular school day, I would assume casual. A standalone event would probably be dressier. I would ask the mom what the dress code is.

4. Talk to me about spouses who need to stop drinking but won’t… it’s mostly that when he drinks he drinks to get drunk, not that he’s drinking all the time.

   1. I’m very sorry you’re going through this. In my experience – this is when ultimatums become useful to spur the person to either make a decision to quit OR make it very clear that they are unwilling/unable to put their family first.
      However, you need to be very, very clear about what YOU want. I’d start by therapy on your own – are you willing to leave over this? What would it take for you to stay – therapy/treatment for the spouse? If they do go to therapy are YOU willing to forgive and rebuild or are you done?

   2. You go to therapy an Al anon and figure out if you want to spend your life with an alcoholic

   3. It depends on the severity, but here’s some things that work for us.
      1. Plan for irresponsibility. This is on him obviously but you should also be part of the plan so you don’t end up having to babysit him. Where is he going, where is he staying, all transportation should be pre-booked, what does he have to do the next day. I admit, I occasionally (once or twice a year) like to cut loose and get trashed (and remind myself why I don’t do it more than annually anymore) but I do it like, in the hotel/resort bar so I can stumble up to my room where water, pedialyte, and snacks are waiting for me, and I’ve pre-booked a late checkout. Or I’ve arranged a party bus/car for the night to drive my drunk self and friends around if we’re bar hopping. Partying at 35+ is a much safer experience than our 20s because we can afford to outsource responsibility to an extent.
      2. Put bounds around irresponsibility. DH and I help keep each other in check in this regard. I lose track of drinks (really, I abandon multiple half full warm beers because I drink slowly and then I forget how many half cans I’ve had) but he’s really good at keeping count. He loses track of food and water, but I’m always hungry and parched when I’m drinking so I make sure he’s eating and drinking water too. I’m also a better timekeeper, so I’m usually the one to say, hey it’s 9 pm and we’ve been drinking since noon it’s time to pack it up.
      3. Are there particular behaviors that you find problematic? Can you talk about them when he’s sober and develop an agreed upon strategy for getting him to knock it off? DH can get really emotional and down on himself when he’s drinking, so I’ll tell him, you’re drunk spiraling it’s time for bed, and now he knows oh yeah I’m doing that thing again let’s sleep it off.

   4. I left mine 8 years ago and am infinitely happier. Around the same time, a friend had a come to Jesus talk with hers and he quit drinking for good and they are still together. If you’ve already tried that, especially more than once, and it didn’t work, then it probably won’t. I’m sorry.

   5. This is where you tell him you’re ready to leave if he doesn’t seek help and be willing to follow through. You don’t need to be drinking all the time to be a very problematic drinker.

   6. This was me. I tried setting boundaries (e.g. I won’t be around you when you’re drinking) but never followed through. I ended up getting a divorce. Sorry, I know that’s not an easy answer.

   7. I’ve been on the other side of this. Have you said anything to him? My husband never said anything to me so I assumed he didn’t have a problem. Other thoughts in no particular order:

      Do you have kids?
      Has he always been like this?
      Does he have hobbies?
      Do you know why he drinks?

      I can share my story, which is mostly just a slippery slope. College heavy drinking, 20-something work hard play hard office culture, got married, had kids, one kid was very stressful as a baby and once I was past nursing wine was really nice. Then covid hit and DH and I both drank more than we should because nobody had to be up at 6am anymore! Coupled with that, our marriage was in a really tough spot. Our tough kid got tougher to parent. Drinking became a combo habit and coping mechanism.

      I was never drinking all the time. But when I did drink, it was way more than it should have been and it became bad enough that I was hiding the volume of it (think, having two bottles of wine open so it wasn’t obvious how much of one I drank, or having a side cocktail that I kept topping off on the sly).

      I needed to hear “you are drinking too much” from my husband. I also needed to find more to do with my time where I no longer had room for that kind of drinking. I also had to get better coping mechanisms for dealing with parenting our difficult child, and I’m still working on the marriage issues.

   8. Individual counseling for you so you can decide what boundaries to set and whether to leave or stay.

      Hugs. I’ve been there. It will get better, whether you stay together or not.

   9. How is his drinking impacting you? Are you just generally concerned about his health? Or is he a morose/angry/abusive drunk? Or does he need or expect you to clean up his messes (literally and/or figuratively)?

      How often is this happening? Once a year? Every weekend? Do you have kids and is this impacting them (even if it is just witnessing Dad being drunk)? Does he drink and drive?

      My answer will depend on the specifics.

5. Any advice for underwear or loose shorts with built in underwear that is both quick drying and breathes?

   I’m hoping to hike (on well-maintained trails where no long pants are needed) this spring and summer and am looking for this magic combination.

   1. Can you just get seperate quick drying underwear and shorts? I like Ex Officio give and go underwear.

      1. Thank you for the recommendation! I’ll look at them.

         1. You could also look at underwear marketed for runners – New Balance, Addidas, Under Armor, etc make some.

   2. I got a lot of these last summer. Silk is best if you can find it for a price you like, but my next favorites were Fruit of the Loom – first the breathable micro mesh next the cooling mesh.

   3. I’ve seen people recommend Tommy John’s here so I’ve been thinking of trying their “Air” line of underwear for sports. Can anyone speak on hoe they are in hot humid climates?

   4. Do you want quick drying so they feel dry even if you’re sweaty or jump in a lake, or is it multi day hikes and quick drying because you need to be able to trail wash them?

      For multi day, I strongly prefer separate undies and shorts – they dry faster when you can expose both parts to sun and and separately, and you can do something like wear the shorts with no undies around camp for a few hours, then sleep in the undies while the shorts dry.

      Thick elastic waist bands are always the slowest to dry on shorts

      I have some rei-swiftland running shorts I like and they dry really fast. They come with a liner but you can cut it out and do separates

      1. Quick dry so they feel dry if I’ve been sweaty and take a break or if I jump in a lake and then lay or hike in the sun for a bit.

         1. I’d try the swiftland shorts then! ooh also I have some merino underwear that are not super gross feeling worn damp (especially if you walk into the woods and wring them out)

            (Bras on the other hand, I’ve never found one that dries after lake jumping. but it’s worth it anyway!)

6. I really want the Chartreuse Carlton Silk Dress from the Fold . . . but I cannot afford it, or this. Lovely pick though.

   1. If I had a different life, my entire wardrobe would be from the Fold.

      1. A different life, a different budget, a different body, but I can still dream.

7. i drink 80+ ounces of water a day and am still often thirsty. I’ve discussed this with multiple doctors, been tested for diabetes, and as far as anyone can tell them, I am perfectly healthy. has anyone else experienced this? any suggestions?

   1. Drink more

      1. well yes, but then i have to pee all the time and i already have to pee all the time. i have a meeting heavy job

      2. hahaha ok I was wondering all day if there’s a tr0ll on our board and now I know.

      3. Drink less. Seriuosly 80 + ozs? You are throwing your electrolytes off.

   2. Do you exercise a lot, eat a lot of salt, take any medications, have dry mouth for another reason (allergies?), or just talk a lot?

      1. no to the exercise, i dont think so re the salt, i take zoloft, no and i dont talk that much. usually i have a lot of meetings, but today ive had none and have barely spoken to antoher person all day and am still so thirsty

         1. Dry mouth is a well known side effect of Zoloft (and most other antidepressants). You can drink more or or try chewing sugarless gum or look into other dry mouth remedies.

         2. Get some more salt (pink/sea/whatever) in your diet so it retains the water in your system for longer.

   3. Do you have other symptoms of dehydration — dry lips, dark pee, that kind of thing? I ask because I wonder if you’re in a vicious cycle of feeling thirsty when not dehydrated. If that’s the case, I wonder if drinking less for a few days might help recalibrate.

   4. Do you need more electrolytes?

      When I was in middle school I used to get bouts of insatiable thirst and would literally take a pinch of salt and down it with a big glass of water. Definitely not a doctor-recommended solution and I haven’t had that experience in years, but if it came back I might drink pedialyte and ask my doctor for a blood test specifically to check electrolyte levels.

      1. I sometimes feel thirsty no matter how much water I drink. My solution is a concoction of apple cider vinegar & honey (about a tablespoon of each) with a pinch of salt, which I mix with hot or cold water depending on the season/ my mood. It seems to work to reset my thirst.

      2. For me this is a doctor recommended solution (my doctor told me specifically not to drink too much water without getting enough electrolytes or I’d pee it out and still feel thirsty).

         1. (NB. This advice may be specific medical for me, but it’s at least sometimes doctor approved anyway!)

   5. have you tried adding any electrolytes to your water? I find that if I have an electrolyte tab in the morning, i am less thirsty throughout the day, especially on days when I am very active.

   6. I am the same way. I am thirsty for a ridiculous amount of liquid every day, particularly in the mornings. My labs always come back looking great and I have no apparent health problems. Birth control pills are the only medication that I take. I have to go to the bathroom every 60-75 minutes, and it’s so annoying. Fortunately, my solitary job allows me to stop into the bathroom as frequently as is required.

   7. Drink a full glass of water while you get ready in the morning then evenly distribute the rest of your intake. If you chug a glass every few hours that will make you pee more than sipping throughout the day. Do you drink a lot of caffeine or take any meds with diuretic effects? Maybe an obvious question but do you live at elevation or in a dry climate? Do you sweat heavily while exercising?

   8. Add electrolytes to your water.

   9. Have you been tested for diabetes insipidus?

   10. I get dry mouth which I often mistake for being thirsty.

   11. Agree with adding electrolytes. My not doctor consulted solution is to put some lemon juice or orange juice is my water bottle

       1. Another +1 for trying electrolytes. I have half a packet of Liquid IV most days, mixed with 16oz of water (a whole packet is way too sweet, and probably more than I need). I can guzzle a ton of water and still feel thirsty, and the Liquid IV finally quenches it. I think there’s something to having a taste beyond plain water that helps, too.

          (I’m breastfeeding, so I think the daily Liquid IV is really helpful. If I had fewer hydration needs maybe it would be overkill)

   12. +1 for taking in more electrolytes.
       I make my own electrolyte blend from 1/4 tsp baking soda, 1/16tsp food-grade epsom salt, 1/16tsp potassium light salt. This gives about 300mg sodium, along with magnesium and potassium.

8. Never thought I’d see the day I agree with Rand Paul but he’s right that tariffs are taxes and America is built on the foundational notion that taxation without representation is tyranny and Congress should be in charge of any new taxation decisions.

   1. Truly unprecedented times

      1. Tariff of 10% on everything is basically a national sales tax.

         1. Exactly, and a taxation scheme that would likely not pass in Congress because it is regressive.

            1. Yeah, Republicans don’t care if a tax is regressive.

9. My college daughter just broke up with her somewhat serious long term boyfriend. What care package items would you want in that situation? She is very much a crunchy nature-lover, not at all a girly-girl.

   1. Personally, anything warm & cozy … I think it’s comforting & helps with loneliness. Warm socks, heated/fluffy blanket, tea, products for a hot bath, perhaps a stuffed animal to cuddle with if that’s not too juvenile.

   2. In this situation, I would have loved to receive some foodstuff mother and I mutually enjoy, a Doordash gift card, maybe a Target gift card for a little shopping therapy, and a kind note saying “I know this hurts, it is always painful to lose someone, especially when part of the loss is expectations for the future, but you are amazing, smart, and strong, so you need to know that this is going to be one event in a big, long, great life, don’t let this stop you, go do the things you are good at, keep working at college so you can live out your dreams, and someone new will see that and appreciate it and want to join you on that journey.”
      (I know because what I actually got was very different and very disappointing/hurtful. Thank you for being a kind and parent.)

   3. I second the warm and cozy rec. And for a stuffed animal that’s not too juvenile, try a Warmie. (There are also Warmie neck wraps, eye masks, and even slippers.)

      I’d add a favorite snack or even meal replacement that’s not straight junk food. For me, that would be my favorite bars or trail mix, peanut butter crackers, etc. If you’re feeling down, it’s nice to lie in, skip breakfast, and have a bar on the way to class.

      1. I second the Warmie recommendation. My daughter is a few years older and loves hers.

         1. Another vote for a Warmie. My freshman has one at school and one at home.

   4. My college daughter would want comfort food. No stuff she has to keep or move because those dorm rooms are tiny and already crammed full. Home-baked cookies have been her favorite care package item so far.

   5. In a rough finals week many years ago, my mom sent me a couple adventure books/travelogues

   6. Weighted emotional support sloth from uncommon goods.

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