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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anon
Does anyone know where (or even if) you can buy Caswell-Massey products in person? Their retail stores closed a couple years ago, but you can still order online and through catalogs. It’s DH’s birthday today and I need to pick up a gift (facepalm). I’m in DC, so I have access to everything. Thanks!
Anon
OP here – White House Historical Association FTW!
Anon
Didn’t get around to posting this earlier, but it’s weighed on my mind all week anyway. I was at the wedding of one of my best friends over the weekend and I could not BELIEVE how many people bailed at the last minute. I thought you all might appreciate some of the prime excuses – one of the bride’s other best friends bailed on the rehearsal dinner because “I don’t want to leave my cat alone” and then had the gall to get mad at the bride for expressing disappointment, the groom’s childhood friend started driving to the wedding (2 hours) and then turned back because his fiance had a “panic attack about the windy road” (still unclear why he couldn’t drop the fiance at home and continue on himself), and several immediate family members bailed for what I view as unspeakably lame reasons, including attending a football fundraiser. Another bailed via text with “I have the flu, sorry, have a great time!” The bride (the chillest, nicest person you will ever meet) actually cried over all this, especially since she had limited the guest list in the hope of having a small wedding (she definitely got that…). She and her now-husband had reserved hotel rooms for three or four of the no-shows and they lost the cost, which wasn’t super cheap and they are not rich. I’m perhaps most furious about that part – I think the fact that these people didn’t have to lose their own money encouraged their laziness and failure to be a good friend. When it comes to the bride and groom offering to pay, clearly no good deed goes unpunished.
Anon
Not gonna lie, this was my worst fear about my wedding. We had a small wedding (120 invited, 80 RSVPed yes) but (surprisingly?) nobody who RSVPed yes no-showed. Although almost half of our guests barely made it due to major weather systems and airline delays all over the east coast. I obviously wouldn’t have blamed anyone who got stranded by an airline, but it would have put a huge damper on things if half our guests weren’t there.
The flu seems like a fairly legit excuse though. If you have the flu (actually influenza, not a cold) you shouldn’t attend a group gathering and make everyone else sick. Perhaps the text could have been less cavalier, but I don’t really blame that person.
Anon
I suspect that person was lying and that it was more of a “self care” bail out for a variety of reasons, but if it truly was the flu, I agree she should not have come.
Anonymous
Flu = no social media postings of #livingyourbestlife for the next week/10 days.
Nesta
Agree re: the flu, except that so many people use being “sick” as an unquestionable excuse to get out of things that it basically has no credibility, even if true, particularly when presented as casually as related by OP.
Anon
I agree with that. If I actually had the flu and had to bail on a wedding I’d say something like “I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I’d been hit by a truck, I went to the doctor and they did the swab test and confirmed it’s flu – I don’t want to make you or other guests sick, so I think I have to stay home. I’m so sorry to miss the celebrations. Let me know when you’re home from the honeymoon so I can take you out to dinner.” Or something like that. Otherwise it sounds made up.
Cat
Yeah I think this was far too casually mentioned given the importance of the event, but I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt on saying they have the “flu” when they don’t actually have the literal flu, as that is how everyone referred to a stomach/GI virus when I was growing up…
Worry about yourself
I don’t think people need to have a doctor confirm it’s the flu, and I don’t think brides and grooms should expect confirmation from a doctor that someone is sick. I’d only go to the doctor if it was probably strep, but if I wake up feeling really gross, with flu-like symptoms, it doesn’t matter if it’s actually the flu or not, I’m keeping my nasty germs home! If it’s a local wedding maybe I go to the ceremony and stay in the back but I can’t imagine going to a reception while sick, I wouldn’t enjoy it and I’d just spread my germs. Does the couple wanna take those germs on their very expensive honeymoon? NO!
Jaydee
I probably wouldn’t go that far, but as a chronic over-sharer, there would be some hard-to-fake details of my illness, at least two sad face emojis, and dozens of exclamation points following my profuse apologies and wishes for a beautiful ceremony.
Worry about yourself
I had to fly from Boston to Colorado for a wedding back in August, and we had to deal with serious airline delays due to weather. Even though we were erring on the side of being early, I was legit terrified of things going wrong enough that we’d miss the wedding entirely, and I was afraid my family would be mad if that happened.
If I ever had to miss a wedding for a serious illness, like the flu or even just a debilitating cold or stomach bug, I’d be a little more contrite in my communications with the couple. It wouldn’t be “can’t come, sorry, have the flu” it would be “Hey Lisa, I was really looking forward to your wedding, but in some terrible stroke of luck, I’ve come down with something horrible and I really think it’s best for everyone if I stay home this weekend. I hope everything goes smoothly and I hope I can make this up to you when I’m better.” And probably send an extra nice gift, or if I’d already sent something from the registry, maybe pick another small gift and send that as well. Or send her a bottle of champagne to enjoy in the bridal suite on her big day.
Anonymous
We had three no-shows at our wedding ten years ago. One got into a car accident on his way to the airport (he flipped his car but luckily was not seriously hurt) and one friend was hospitalized so she and her husband could not attend.
Nesta
That sucks. Unfortunately, I think we live in a very flaky culture, due to the ease of contacting people at the last minute and sending a text giving a lame excuse. It’s something that wedding planners and couples may have to actually start to plan around going forward. For my kids’ birthday parties, I typically plan on about 20% of the kids who have RSVP’d not showing up — granted, that’s not a wedding, but a similar idea might apply.
Also, so many weddings these days ARE large and impersonal, and it feels like one’s presence wouldn’t really make a difference. From a wedding invitation, you can’t really tell if it will be small and intimate or a 200+ person affair where you’re at a table in the corner with cousin Rufus. Another way this could be addressed is for it to somehow start to be incorporated into wedding invitations — maybe on the RSVP card for example, “As we are limiting our wedding to 50 close family and friends, please RSVP below…” It seems indelicate but it at least highlights the stakes for people.
Anonymous
Ugh. I hate to think of what people do for funerals (although for me those largely involve those of a generation that RSVPs and sends thank you notes, so perhaps not? or not yet?).
Anonymous
You don’t send formal invitations or get RSVPs for funerals. There isn’t time.
Anonymous
No, like the people who die and their peers are from a generation that shows up to stuff and doesn’t flake. There is a bunch of women at the church in my family’s home town that just provides food for lunch for out of town families so they have a place to gather after the funeral. Their guestimated headcount usually is spot-on and there is never lots of food going to waste.
Anon
Nobody sends written invitations to a funeral.
Anon
You’re standing on a technicality. People do generally let you know they’re coming to a funeral. There are always coworkers that show up but even then, usually one coworker of the deceased will say “a few of us are coming”. Other than that it’s usually close friends and family, and as a surviving funeral-planner you’ve been in touch with them since the death happened. You have to plan for food and drinks and the size of the “reception” after the church services and you do need a rough headcount.
I speak from experience of burying too many close family members far too early. Coworkers flaking would be one thing, but good friends or family of the deceased simply not showing up is incredibly hurtful.
Anon
In 2014 I invited a couple to my daughter’s wedding – we had once been VERY close, had lost touch a bit, but we were still in contact. Never got a response to the invitation, followed up by email the week before the wedding, and the wife replied with a very sweet email that they were looking forward to attending. On the day, never showed, never even called or messaged afterwards to explain. I haven’t reached out since. A single text or voicemail that they couldn’t make it at the last minute would have sufficed. I don’t understand how people do that.
Anon
That’s insane! I thought it was rude when people didn’t send in their RSVP cards but at least they told me “no, we’re not attending” when I reached out and asked if they were coming.
Anonymous
OMG. This is why I signed my kid up for cotillion classes. Kiddo needs to hear social manners coming from someone besides me.
[I didn’t grow up with this, but I am thinking it is right for our family that they focus on making eye contact when you talk to people and not mumbling, at least on the first one.]
Anon
Thank you for doing this. So many kids I see these days are totally incapable of greeting an adult or observing any other social niceties.
JTM
At my cousin’s wedding last year, there were TWO 10-person tables that were completely empty. The bride seemed pretty chill about it, but I was livid for her. I know her husband worked a ton of overtime to be able to pay for what was a really nice wedding, and to see all those empty paid for seats was just appalling.
I was definitely worried about no shows at my wedding; I think what saved us was that our wedding was a destination wedding for 90% of our guests, so we had an idea of who was coming well in advance. I did have at least one out of towner RSVP yes and not show up, and that pretty much killed our relationship (and it’s been 5yrs).
Abby
I felt very very lucky that out of 224 guests EVERYONE came who RSVP-ed. That being said – I had 2 people ask me if they could add on a guest 2 days before. One was a grandpa, the other was their daughter’s high school boyfriend.
Nesta
Honest question, how do you know that exactly all 224 guests came? I had about that many people RSVP to my wedding, and many of them were parents’ friends or distant relatives whose absence I would not have noticed. Obviously if a good friend told me they couldn’t make it last minute (as a few did), I was aware of that, but otherwise I wasn’t fully on top of who showed and who didn’t.
Anonymous
I had a wedding of 100ish and did a receiving line and am pretty confident of 2 no-shows (who actually had a good excuse). And I logged in gifts, including people who brought things to the reception, and wrote thank-you notes and had plenty of crowd pictures. I think even people at a larger wedding would know, up to 200ish?
I didn’t worry about my family flaking (90 year old grand-mere would have killed them with a mere look). They live for this stuff, especially older relatives. I think it’s limited to, sadly, friends.
Anon
Your caterer normally tells you how many meals they served. You might also notice empty seats, which are a lot more obvious than knowing who is supposed to be in that seat.
Anonymous
Empty seats, or seating cards that were not picked up?
Aggie
We had a great c*cktail hour….about half of our seating cards were picked up and the dance floor was full. Everyone eventually ate their food, but I’m pretty certain some guests ate cold meals at the wrong table.
Abby
We didn’t do seating cards, but I had a wedding planner who let me know, and my mom looked because she was curious. The way our seating worked, we wouldn’t have any empty seats at the reception if everyone showed up, so when we walked around to each table to say hi, we could see that they were all full.
Anonome
Unclaimed place cards and customized favors, plus our caterer did a plate count before reconciling the final bill. I only had two no-shows. One was a legitimate medical emergency, but the other was someone I hate, so I’m glad she skipped out despite her flimsy excuse.
Triangle Pose
Super curious, why was she invited to your wedding if you hate her?
Anon
Triangle Pose – I am wondering the same thing!
Cat
I’m guessing she’s either the spouse of a good friend, or a relative that you really can’t exclude — like all your cousins are invited EXCEPT her? Not a good look.
Anonome
OP here: She’s the daughter of life-long family friends on my IL’s side, and could not have been excluded without my MIL causing a huge stink. I hate her because she’s been trying to sleep with my husband ever since we got engaged–one of those types who isn’t interested in a guy until he’s taken. Husband has never been more than formally polite, but she treats other people’s relationships like a game.
Anon
I had 150 people at my wedding. Upon a single glance around the room (we had grouped people by table), I knew exactly the three people that no-showed. I don’t understand why people think a wedding with 200 people is impersonal. That could legitimately be everyone you have a relationship with in real life. I think 15 friends for both husband and I (which includes people in the wedding party) is 60 people alone, then parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles (no children at the wedding) was another 36, and a cursory 10-15 invites for parents. It’s just not that hard to get to that number for a reasonably social person.
anon
We had a couple of these at our 50 person wedding, and it made me so mad. When you consider how much you pay per head for food, drinks, etc. every person counts. If you RSVP, you need to at least show up and eat the food I paid for.
Anon
Follow up to this – is it ever appropriate to send the guest who bails the cost of the catering fee (for their head)? I know it’s technically not but it’s so tempting.
Anonymous
Obviously not
Anon
No, it’s not appropriate. They did something very rude but you shouldn’t meet rudeness with rudeness.
Anonymous
Man, I remember the one person at my 100ish person wedding who I thought ghosted on the day of. It turned out that she had severe morning sickness, but wasn’t ready to come out and say that (and was a bit scared of how sick she was getting). But I could not deal with being actually ghosted by a lot of people who are supposed to be my nearest and dearest. Don’t people post and tag a lot of wedding photos on the day of (so you will be missed, right away, because tagging is like taking attendance)? And if you’re not there, you should post something like “OMG 10 mile backup on I-95 and my car just overheated” so you’re covered at you at least tried?
Anon
Nah, morning sickness isn’t an excuse for bad manners. Ghosting is inexcusable.
Anonymous
I think that this was some sort of Kate Middleton-level dehydration that you need to get an IV for. But at the time, she really didn’t know what was going on and it was a scary time for her (and some point, for an out-of-town wedding you are driving to, there is a point you make the go/no go call (and the “I’m going to Inova NOW” call).
I started bleeding while on a work trip out of the country when I was 5 weeks pregnant (so no one new) and I get that sort of white-knuckle not-knowing when something medical truly seems to be unfolding on a day you hoped would go as planned.
But otherwise no.
Anon
No, even then you call the bride (text only if you truly cannot call because of nonstop puking). You do not ghost.
Anonymous
I think that if you are heading to a hospital, you get to tell people later of that fact. You don’t have to tell the day of if you are having a medical emergency. Or “Dad had a heart attack; with all of the stuff going on I meant to tell you but just couldn’t manage to do that and fill out all of the medical forms with Mom that day. I hope you understand and had a great wedding.” Which, of course, you would.
It’s when you NEVER get told anything remotely like that after the fact that you get stabby.
Anonymous
Right. Not an excuse to ghost.
Anon
You send a text when the emergency is over apologizing saying you were sick.
Anon
IMHO, texting to bail on a wedding, no matter the reason, is rude af. You call. Have the awkward conversation. That’s your duty as a family member or friend.
Worry about yourself
I think you try to get the word to the bride, or groom, or bridal party, family member, someone, if you can. That can be as simple as texting someone, or having a friend or SO get the info to the right people, but I also realize that in some situations it might not be that simple, if you’re really sick, don’t know where your phone is, don’t have anyone who can inform the wedding people, etc. but I do think in that situation you should be able to explain why you were unable to tell someone until after the fact.
If someone just mysteriously no-showed, I might give them the benefit of the doubt and worry that something was really wrong, but to be honest that might depend on who they are and what our relationship is usually like, there may be some people I’d invite to my wedding but assume they flaked if I didn’t see them.
anon
Call after the fact when things are calmer, sure. But I would not have wanted to field calls on my wedding day or the day before from people saying that they were dealing with xyz problem and having to reassure them that it’s ok they cannot make it and I hope they are ok.
Anon
I would never call the bride the morning of a wedding. I would text one of the mothers or the maid of honor, or if I didn’t know those people, literally anyone else I knew at the wedding, to explain, and then apologize profusely to both bride and groom later on.
blueberries
When I got married, I would have much preferred a text/email to a call for most guests if bailing. It was a really busy day and I wouldn’t have wanted to have to answer a call or listen to a voicemail from someone who was just saying they couldn’t make it.
Obviously, it’d be different it it was someone super close to me, like my maid of honor or my dad. But, I’d want to take time out of my wedding day to bring them soup and medicine.
Anonny
Agree completely. I don’t like answering the phone on a normal day, let alone on a day where I’m so busy getting ready and focusing on my mom and bridesmaids. I had one person text me that they couldn’t make it because her mom had just fallen and broken her hip and they were still in the ER, which was totally understandable, but I wouldn’t have wanted to talk on the phone to hear that and I wouldn’t have wanted her to have to keep herself together to talk to me when she needed to focus on her mom.
Anon
+1
Worry about yourself
Fair fair, I’m much more a fan of texting in general and I wouldn’t want people calling me for anything when I’m about to get married, too much stress and probably a fair bit of emotional labor if I then have to reassure someone it’s okay. If someone needs, say, help finding the venue, there’s probably a point person for that and it wouldn’t be the bride, but a text or email to the person getting married is still better than not saying anything, but there shouldn’t be any expectation that the person respond until a day or so later. There’s just a huge difference between a brief “not coming, sorry” text and something a little more genuine and sincere.
Anonymous
I remember the one person I thought ghosted and the one person I thought brought a random +1. I saw the +1 during the ceremony and was so annoyed.
Turned out the person I thought ghosted got a totally new hairdo and color and was standing next to the guy I thought a rando +1, ha! Good thing I noticed and brood the entire time ;)
Anon
This story cracked me up.
Anonymous
I’m turning 50 next year and I’m hoping that my generation (Gen X? I remember when MTV played videos) will show up if I have a shindig.
If 50 people RSVP, order food for . . . 35? Maybe caterers build a flake factor into their predicted yield?
Anon
What if more than 35 show up though? You can’t exactly tell people who RSVPed yes that they can’t have a meal. I commented above, but we had 80 yes RSVPs and 80 guests at our wedding. I believe 100% showing up is rare, but surely there are plenty of weddings where more than 80% of the guests show up, and you’d be in a pinch if you’d only ordered meals for 70% of them.
Anonymous
Maybe just serve canned beer that will keep if it isn’t used? Spray cheese and triscuits? It’s hard not to get pre-emptively stabby on your behalf.
Do people flake at dinner parties (where someone is cooking a meal for X to start at time Y)?
Anon
I’m confused. I was responding to someone who said you should only prepare 35 (or some other lower number) of meals if you get 50 people who RSVP yes. And I’m saying what about if 40 or 45 (or even all 50) people show up? None of those people did anything wrong (they RSVPed yes and came to the wedding), and you can’t tell them you don’t have a meal for them because you expected some percentage of them to flake. I know airlines oversell flights expecting some people to no-show, but they have a mechanism for handling it (buying people off of oversold flights). You can’t really do that at a wedding…
Anon
Unfortunately I think generosity encourages flakiness, even though it should be the other way around. My FIL threw a party for my MIL’s birthday (a milestone birthday) a few years ago. It was just family. One of my husband’s wealthier relatives offered to pay the expenses of a few family members who aren’t very well off. After he bought them plane tickets, several of them bailed for the stupidest reasons. I doubt they would have bailed if they’d spend their own money on plane tickets.
Nesta
Yep, agreed with this. People are a lot more respectful if they have skin in the game.
DC
While all 20 people who RSVPed yes actually showed up to our wedding, the ones whose accommodations we covered were by far the most imposing in other areas–like staying at our house beforehand, taking up my time in the days before the wedding, expecting us to drive them places, etc. It’s rarely an isolated incident and some people (grown adults a generation older than us, for the record) get accustomed to other people taking care of their needs.
Anon
Give your friend a big hug from this Internet stranger when she gets back from her honeymoon.
My family – my own family – spent as little time at my wedding as humanly possible. The excuses started six months out about how their entry-level and part-time jobs gave them limited PTO. One person scheduled an event with friends the morning after my wedding and “had” to leave halfway through the reception to fly out.
On the other hand, my friends (almost all of whom had to fly in) were amazingly supportive. The ones who couldn’t make it had reasons like “murder trial 3 hours away from any major airport the day before the wedding” and “daughter with complex medical issues has a doctor’s appointment with a specialist the day before and lives 1,000 miles away.”
Ultimately, those who give lame excuses or don’t want to show are reflecting more about them than you.
Anon cuz I thin she reads this blog
Wow, that is really sad. I wouldn’t dream of RSVPing and not showing up unless something really catastrophic happened. I agree with Nesta, we have such a flaky culture. My former best friend and I don’t talk any more because I was tired of her saying “let’s get together on Saturday” and then I never heard from her – this happened over and over again. And before you all say “why didn’t you make plans?” …well, I did. And I’d get excuses like “oh, I thought we were going to confirm?” and “sorry, my kids have blank” or “I’m such a space cadet.” The kicker was that she’s a blogger and she posted something about how important friendships are to her and how important it is for her to make time for her girlfriends….well, obviously she doesn’t feel that way about me. So I guess we’re done….
anon
Oh, that is rage-inducing. I’m sorry.
Anon
Speaking of bailing…my company recently paid for two people to attend a conference in South America and they both bailed at the last minute.
Anon
Lol even when it’s expensive, bailing on a business trip is in no way comparable to bailing on a family member’s wedding…just saying. But it certainly is indicative of flakey culture.
PolyD
Can you… do that? Bail on a business trip? That would totally not occur to me.
I am scheduled to attend a big meeting in my field in a few weeks. I really don’t want to go, and it’s more for my own education than to actually do anything. But, the tickets are bought, the registration is paid, the hotel is reserved. I feel like it would be very, very bad for me to say, Nope, don’t feel like going.
Anon
You can’t just say you don’t feel like going. But there are certain circumstances when you can back out of business travel, absolutely. I was supposed to do some business travel late in my second semester of pregnancy and then had some minor complications that made preterm delivery slightly more likely. My OB didn’t outright tell me I couldn’t go, but she told me she wouldn’t go in my shoes and when I told her I didn’t really want to go, she was happy to give me a doctor’s note for my employer saying I couldn’t go. I wouldn’t have had to bail on a wedding in this circumstance because I wouldn’t have RSVPed yes to the wedding in the first place (I would have just told my friend, sorry I hope to be too pregnant to travel at that point). I couldn’t really use pregnancy as an excuse with my employer because I was something like 6 weeks pregnant when the trip was booked, and I didn’t want to disclose my pregnancy that early at work. People feel comfortable telling friends things they don’t feel comfortable telling employers, and you can also decline a wedding without an excuse in a way you can’t decline a business trip without an excuse.
Anon
Agreed. I have “bailed” on a business trip in circumstances in which I would not have bailed on a wedding I’d already RSVPed yes too.
Anonymous
I think that at least flaky bailing could be mentioned on a work review or had you not get invited to the next conference. But there is no real consequence (other than anon internet shaming and cutting ties) for people who bail on weddings they RSVPd yes to.
Panda Bear
That is insane. I can’t imagine ever doing that – unless I or someone who directly needed my care (e.g. small child and no sitter available) was horribly ill. If you said you would attend a wedding, you have to do it. If you didn’t want to go, should have rsvp’d no. I just… don’t understand!
Anon
When flakey friends tell us they bailed on a wedding or other significant event, we should call them out. “Wow, you mean you cancelled on Susie the day of the wedding? You actually did that? Did you offer to pay for your plate?” Maybe then we’ll start shifting norms.
PolyD
I’m on board! And may I suggest adding, Gee, Susie must have been so hurt. She probably really wanted you to attend this very important event in her life, and you just not going must make her feel like you don’t care about her very much.
Anonny
I was so grateful to the friends who did this to call out another friend who egregiously flaked for my wedding.
Abby
Just remembered for a rehearsal dinner for a girlfriend, another bridesmaid was introducing her new boyfriend to us for the first time. He was 2 hours late/skipped dinner because he was driving around looking for parking. When we told her there was a lot next to the restaurant (charging $20 – that’s Detroit for ya!) she said he refused to pay for parking on principal. Worst first impression ever, not to mention the bride & groom paid for his dinner & open bar portion for him to show up when the event was over.
Anon
Lol if they get married he will be the rude cheapskate forever based on this first impression alone.
Anon
i don’t even understand this. i had two people bail at the last minute, both family members and for legitimate reasons. one was my cousin’s wife and she had an eye condition and was told by her eye doctor that if she flew she could risk blindness (my father-in-law is an ophthalmologist so he could confirm this was true), but my cousin came anyway without her. the other was another cousin who had recently left college due to some mental health issues and had a panic attack when they were supposed to get in the car to leave for our wedding. as a kid when i had my bat mitzvah a set of family friends no showed because they forgot their IDs at home and so missed their flight, but they were very apologetic and sent me a telegram and an extra gift because they felt so badly and did not make the same mistake years later for my wedding. though i will say a bunch of kids no showed to my bat mitzvah party, which at the age of 13 was obviously more of their parents fault than their own, but i guess those kids are now the ones who are probably no showing at weddings
Anon
Yikes. I’m so sorry for your friend. That is BEYOND rude. I get angry when people flake out on happy hour, could not imagine how I’d react to flaking on a wedding.
My uncle skipped my grandfather’s (technically his uncle, but my grandfather outlived everyone else in his generation by 30+ years so he was truly the patriarch of the White extevded family) funeral because he had football tickets.
No one has seen this relative since, including his siblings. I wouldn’t blame the bride and groom if they did the same!
Worry about yourself
That’s so disheartening! I know we’ve discussed flakiness before, but it’s one thing to flake on, say, a house party or plan to meet up for drinks after work – not that it’s okay, but it’s one level of rudeness and annoyance. Weddings though? I thought we still treated weddings as important occasions, and that an RSVP was a real commitment, that people prioritized a wedding over whatever else was going on that weekend! To RSVP yes to a wedding and then bail at the last minute because you chose to do some other low-key event or decided you’d rather just chill at home is so rude!
Anonymous
I wonder if there’s an element to people skipping weddings that there are now so often multiple wedding events. In the good old days, you probably had a small shower, a small rehearsal dinner, and so for most people, the wedding was the big and only event. Now, it seems you have multiple showers, a big rehearsal dinner, the cookout before you get into town, the brunch the morning after, the bachelorette weekends. . . it seems like it dilutes the impact of the wedding itself so people feel like they can skip it – “it’s just one more thing. . . I’ll catch up with them at another event”.
Anon
No, this is not a thing. The actual wedding part of pre-wedding events is obviously the thing you don’t skip. People know this. It is culturally still incredibly rude to bail on weddings, way more than any kind of other social event or party. You can’t blame this on pre-wedding celebrations, those are very very opt out acceptable.
Anonymous
But apparently people don’t know that! Because the whole thread is about people ghosting or no-showing. I’m not supportive of this – I still write thank you notes! – and was trying to find an explanation for such rudeness.
emeralds
We had a guest show up to our wedding and find that his place card had somehow not gotten set up on the display. He thought that meant he’d been uninvited, so he turned around and drove an hour and a half home. This was after some texting back-and-forth a few weeks before the wedding, because he wasn’t sure whether his fiancee could make it or not. It blows my mind that he didn’t think to ask someone. Or that he would think that we would un-invite him (?) after confirming that he was coming (??) via a passive-aggressive place card display (???).
Life is a rich and varied tapestry.
Anonny
But rarely are the people who flake like this people who’d be invited to the rehearsal dinner, bachelorette, etc – those are still for the people closer to the couple even if they’re bigger than they used to be. Surely no one would skip the wedding but show up to the post-wedding brunch absent car trouble, sudden illness, etc. And I’ve never heard of “a cookout before you get into town”? I had one normal sized shower, a small bachelorette, a mid-size rehearsal dinner, no brunch, no “cookout”, no engagement party, and still had no-shows.
LaurenB
I don’t know why people think this is something new. I’m married 30+ years and we had bridesmaids’ luncheon, swim party for the guys at the same time, rehearsal dinner for ALL out of towners, brunch day of wedding (wedding/reception was in evening at a hotel) and brunch the day after. That was how my parents’ social circle entertained. Nothing new here!
Anonymous
Ok not comparable at all but it still stings, I had an 18th bday party that was an all expenses paid event (thanks mom and dad!) and invited like 30-40 friends to. I live in the midwest, bday is in late December, so there is snow but it wasn’t like a blizzard or anything. I remember like half the RSVP’d yes people no-showed and it really hurt. I had a really expensive but tiny wedding (25 guests) and luckily no one no-showed, I would have been devastated.
Senior Attorney
So sorry for your friend!
My story is this: Invited a couple who are friends of my husband. They RSVP’d for FIVE when only husband and wife had been invited. (Not even saying who the other three were going to be!) I rearranged all the seating to accommodate them, and yes, you guessed it — none of them showed up. They. are. dead. to. me.
Anonny
I recently got married and the no-shows, whether ghosted or lame excuse at the last minute, were devastating to me. One aunt wrote the time down wrong and picked up a work shift that Saturday morning. When my mom told her three days before the wedding that it was actually two hours earlier than she’d thought, even though the gap between the end of work and the wedding was still plenty of time for her to drive to my city, decided not to come because she would get too stressed with my uncle “driving fast to make it”, so my uncle came alone.
The worst was a supposed friend who blew off the wedding after RSVPing yes because it was the birthday of this guy who has been stringing her along but won’t commit to her, and she’d wanted to have a lunch birthday party for him but people didn’t actually show up until mid-afternoon. Apparently she was texting people two hours before the wedding telling them to come on over. One of my close friends responded to her in a group text thread “aren’t you going to Annony’s wedding?”, which she responded individually outside of the group text that she couldn’t make it. “So you’re blowing off your friend’s wedding for the birthday of a dude you met after you RSVPed yes and who won’t even call you his girlfriend?” which was met with radio silence. This friend who stuck up for me was supposed to be at the same table as the flake and she passive aggressively posted a photo of the table assignments for their table ostensibly to show she was excited her infant even had a spot on the seating chart but really to show the flake that I’d expected her and noticed her absence. Another friend called her out passive aggressively when the flake commented on my FB post of some photos “I was so sad to miss it!”, responding “we missed you too! I figured you must have had a bad emergency or gotten really sick if you missed it, so I hope everything is okay!”) After multiple friends called her out directly too, she sent me an apology message full of excuses about how she knows she throws herself into new relationships and psychoanalyzing herself without taking responsibility. I told her how much it hurt me, the reasons why, and how I wasn’t ready to forgive her yet, and she wrote back trying to downplay our friendship (“yeah, I’ve been there for your whole relationship but I only met him this year at the such and such” and telling another friend “I figured it was just a blanket invite to everyone in our book club”), which made me so mad I couldn’t even respond. I haven’t talked to her since then and she hasn’t had the nerve to show her face at our book club since then either, and the dude she blew me off for is still tagging her on social media as his “bestie”.
Anon
OP here and I totally appreciate all the validation – the bride is one of my best friends and I hated to see her get treated like this. I also wanted to end on a high note and say that the groom’s parents got in a freak car accident on the way to the wedding, but they were both 100% fine (despite the car getting really messed up) and the wedding cake on their backseat was somehow miraculously fine too! Clearly things could have been so much worse, although I’m still angry at the no-shows.
Anon
To all those wondering about manners in kids these days. I do remember once not replying to an RSVP for a friend’s wedding. We were maybe 22 when she was getting married and we’ve been out of touch for about a year. I’ve literally never heard of the RSVP concept! I also was absolutely convinced this was a politeness only/ informational invite because I had recently started working in another state – it’s never occurred to me you would fly somewhere for a friend’s wedding ( a sibling, yes, but not a friend). She called me about a month ahead and asked if I was coming, and only after having this conversation did I understand that this was important to her. This is the kind of person who brags about the number of friends she’d visited on her last international vacation (this was pre-social media, now she has hundreds of followers which is pretty equivalent). The idea that my presence was important never crossed my mind. Obviously my obliviousness to basic social concepts (immigrant with no etiquette training) was a problem, but also the culture that makes it seem that everyone is extremely well connected hurts our ability to understand our own place in the person’s life.
That said, I would never and have never skipped out on a commitment.
Anonymous
I recently had a big hand in my brother’s wedding (long story there) and I remember a close friend being so hurt by people no showing, and not even addressing it. All that to say that I was prepared and recommended we underestimate the “actual count.”
But my father insisted that we still have places for people i KNEW would not come. They didn’t (mostly some cousins, but my father is now the patriarch of our extended family, and we are from Mexico, so of course we had to do that.) It was so disappointing to see the empty TABLES, especially as my brother had ordered nameplates. Maybe it was our fault for expecting rsvp’s. Who knows. Definitely a lesson there somewhere.
Anon
How is the product quality and customer service of Massimo Dutti?
Anon
It’s owned by the same parent company as Zara, and at least in my Canadian mall, the branding/tags/etc. are all very similar. It is a higher price point in general – although really, I think it’s that they don’t stock any of the cheap items Zara does, as Zara can also be spendy.
I have no negative experiences to report, although I would say that I’ve browsed the store for years and never found anything to purchase. The quality to price to style and fit matrix doesn’t add up for me. In contrast, I have a coworker with model-like height, physique and prettiness and she told me she does very well there and she always looks amazing and professional, so clearly it works for some.
Ness
I bought most of my working clothes there 20 years ago, when I finished Uni, and I can say that a lot of them continue in good shape (the rest of my office wardrobe was done in Zara and they did not last half the time). Until 1991 MD did not belong to Zara, it was bought later and at the real beggining they only sell man clothes’ but as a lot of women were buying there man oxford shirts they started the woman line.
All this years they have continued with their own style, you can call it timeless or boring, but always with the same good quality in fabrics.
In Europe is one of the places where people try to buy during sales to get good quality basics.
JC Crew seems similar to me in sytle or public target but TBH, the wool items I have bought there do not match the quality of MD
Styling in the above picture
What do y’all think of the styling in the above picture? It looks really, really off to me. I think that if the pants are that high-waisted, I’d like them to be looser if the shirt is going to be tucked in? My mind says it’s not right but I’m not good at going from “meh” to “better” without playing around with the actual items.
We had a cold snap and I’m not sure of 2019 fall dressing, but I don’t think I’m going to be doing this tonight.
anon
I like it. Looked at it at wanted to dress like that. But I’m generally okay with showing all the lines of my body.
Anonymous
I think that my sense of proportion wants only one half to be flowy and one half to be snug. So no Stevie Nicks (all flowy, no structure), but also I would have liked a looser pant with a belted waist with this blouse tucked in like it is.
Anonymous
Is this what the new mom jeans look like? Or when people say mom jeans, are they referring to something else?
Panda Bear
Overall I think it’s cute, but i would 1) add a cool belt and 2) not do the bow right up around my neck like I’m presenting it as a gift. I prefer a a tie neck blouse with a v-neckline, where I can do a loose bow at the bottom of v.
Anon
I think maybe the model just has a short torso. It looks fine to me.
Ellen
These are like granny pants unless she does have a short torso. I personally have short legs and a long torso, so it is virtually impossible for pants to ride that high on me. The issue with me is in the back, as I am getting the same tuchus as Grandma Trudy and mom has and I am still in my 30’s. I can’t imagine what I will look like when I am in my 50’s and my 70’s, if I don’t keep it in check now. I just hope I am already married by the time my tuchus looks like mom’s. FOOEY!
Cat
I think the blouse would look better one size up and ‘slouchier’ than as shown, but would 100% wear it tucked into slim fitting pants or jeans.
Nesta
Ladies, where can I get Halloween lawn decorations that aren’t going to contribute to consumerism/waste? My kids really love them, so I do want to do something. I could go to Home Depot and just buy some of the ridiculous $50 blowups, but I’d rather get something secondhand or locally made. Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist have been a total bust. Other ideas?
Anonymous
What’s wrong with pumpkins?
If you want something larger, get some of those leaf bags that are printed to look like giant Jack o’lanterns (like the ones from the case in IP class). No waste if you were already going to bag your leaves anyway.
Nesta
It’s 90 degrees here, real pumpkins would rot in about a day :) Which is sad because I adore the look of them.
The leaf bags are a cute idea! (Though we don’t have leaves to bag, I could probably use paper stuffing from Amazing deliveries…)
Anon
They won’t rot if you don’t carve them. Remember, produce grows outside in the sun in the summer ;)
Anonymous
+1 You can use black paint to paint on a face instead of carving
Nesta
Eureka! Haha, I can’t believe I didn’t know this. I… am not experienced in the ways of “plants” and “nature”. I will get some pumpkins forthwith!!
anon
Nah, they’ll be fine. If you want to go the extra mile, wash them with bleach water first. Sometimes I do this, sometimes I don’t. It does extend their life a few days, though.
I am all about the natural fall decor, rather than strictly Halloween: pumpkins, gourds, haybale with pumpkins stacked on top, potted mums. I love fall decor so so much!
Anon
They don’t rot that quickly…as long as you don’t cut them and try to keep them in the shade. Fall is great because you can go with all of the natural decor ….pumpkins, hay, corn shocks, mums, gourds, leaves…and make your own scarecrows out of old clothes stuffed with hay.
Anon
Pumpkins, hay bales, and corn stalks – you could go natural.
Anonymous
Make scarecrows out of old clothes.
Panda Bear
+1
Anon
+1 – I was going to suggest that too! Then sit them on some hay bales with pumpkins and you can leave it up through Thanksgiving.
thehungryaccountant
Growing up, we had some wooden lawn stakes with vampires, ghosts and other Halloween figures on them. My mom has reused those for 30+ years.
mascot
We’ve got a fairly extensive collection of Halloween decor that we’ve added to over the years- no inflatables, but lots of yard skeletons/gravestones/lights. It stays up for all of October so I feel like the ROI is decent. Craft stores and HomeGoods have a lot of options and you can almost always find a “sale”
We haven’t had trouble with uncarved pumpkins rotting in the heat and sun. We have to wait until right before the 31st if we wanted carved things to last.
Anonymous
Try Michaels – they often have wooden sign type decorations. Some are prefinished. A few plastic ones aren’t a big deal. Pick something classic that you can reuse for a while.
It’s people who decide to do a different themed Halloween display every year and who just buy and toss Halloween decorations every year or two. Like don’t be the people who buy the Paw Patrol themed Halloween inflatable that you use for two years and then toss it and replace it with a Spiderman one because your kid got tired of Paw Patrol (*shakes fist at two doors down neighbors*).
Panda Bear
Agree with the poster below re: pumpkins – don’t carve them, but to decorate the kids could still paint on funny or scary faces. Also how about making ghosts out of old sheets or blankets?
Anonymous
Mums, pumpkins, those garbage bags that look like pumpkins you rake your leaves into, a sheet hanging on a tree.
Bea Fraid
We made wooden tombstones as kids, which my parents still use thirty years later. It’s pretty easy to cut scrap plywood and screw it on to a stake. We painted them grey and painted funny sayings and names on them (Bea Fraid, Dee Capitated). Pinterest has tons of examples. I love seeing homemade decorations!
Anon
If there is a Buy Nothing group in your neighborhood that’s a great resource. Otherwise, consider some reusable decor that you can enjoy every year – outdoor lights shaped like ghosts, wooden tombstones, garlands with little witches and skeletons and stuff on them. Michaels probably has good stuff. We also had holiday-themed window clings growing up that seemed to last for a few years.
Anon
Art lovers – help me do some searching!
Partner and I recently moved into a house and have lots more wall space to work with than before – yay! We’ve got a big 1950’s fireplace with a big area above it that is calling out for a new piece of art. We have talked about ti and are both really keen on finding a triptych that speaks to us. We’re pretty open to different styles – really the only no is contemporary (but we like modern.) We are especially interested in triptychs where each portion depicts a different view/perspective/time than the others. Eg: a lot of work by Bacon – https://www.google.com/search?q=bacon+triptych&safe=off&rlz=1C1GGRV_enCA820CA820&sxsrf=ACYBGNTdGlCN-qlTYZntpYXc32pgkQqaUA:1570194747488&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiyxJuh14LlAhVFCKwKHaBZA40Q_AUIEigB&biw=1253&bih=560
Does anyone have ideas of artists or particular pieces of art we should be considering? Given the size, we can really only afford reproductions or prints.
anon
I always like to see local art or something you picked up on a vacation, rather than an internet purchase. It’s fun to buy them that way, and also creates a “sense of place”. Personally, my favorite large art is a local audobon-style illustrator who does our area’s birds, but I bet you can find something you like just as much.
Anonymous
You might look for an artist who works in series if you aren’t completely wedded to a triptych; triptychs sometimes are framed so that you can’t separate/space out the 3 pieces; and reproductions might also be printed that way.
Also, FYI, in the art world contemporary art generally means work made by living artists, who work in a wide range of styles. So you may find it’s not a really useful descriptor for how a piece of art looks.
anon
Try High Fashion Home. It’s local to Houston but ships around the country. Our style is strongly modern (with concessions to contemporary because I hate furniture that is super close to the floor) and we’ve had good luck there.
Rainbow Hair
OMFG I love Bacon… [aside: when I was a student in NYC I would go to the MOMA like, all the time, because we had free passes through school, and I would just stand in front of that one with the carcass…]
As I always say: buy real art from living artists! Or if you can’t afford that, prints from living artists! If you pick three pieces with something in common, you can frame them identically and make your own triptych. For example, in our house we have a series of “women with blue” that I quite like. Also “animals and orange.”
Jungil Hong has some affordable prints that are gorgeous — a few are pretty designy, which might fit into what you mean about ‘modern’. Ana Leovy has some gorgeous pieces with saturated colors that would definitely read as a series if you got three. Her prints are hella affordable. See also: Mary Finlayson, Egle Zvirblyte. In fact, those last three would make a nice grouping, I bet.
Rainbow Hair
Hong: http://cindersgallery.com/artist/jungil-hong/
Leovy: https://society6.com/product/picnic-life_print?sku=s6-11341027p4a1v45
Finlayson: http://paintedmary.squarespace.com/prints
Zvorblyte: https://www.eglezvirblyte.com/shop
Anon
Can someone explain to me why/how the MGM hotel was able to be sued by the victims of the mass shooting there? What happened two years ago is absolutely terrible and I truly feel for the victims and their families but don’t understand how it was at all their fault
Anon
Pedantic point: it was the Mandalay Bay hotel, MGM is just the parent company. The shooter is obviously most directly responsible, but you can sue people for negligence that caused harm, even if the negligent party had no bad intent. The theory is that the hotel (via its employees) was negligent in allowing the guy to bring in all his weapons and ammunition. Apparently he brought in 20 enormous suitcases over the few days he was staying there – seems like something that should raise eyebrows at the very least.
Anon
Yes, this…..20 enormous suitcases and storing ammo and firearms in the room. Yes, this should have raised eyebrows. I recently stayed in a full service Marriott in a large city and put the “do not disturb” sign on my door for in the morning after the first night of my stay because I was planning on working in the room most of the day. I received a letter in the room the next day saying that they have a new well being policy of going into the room on the 3rd day even if the ‘do not disturb’ sign is still on the door. I think this is very smart. I’ve also stayed in the Venetian many times and they go in and out of my room to drop off amenities, housekeeping, etc. more than once per day. Hard to believe that this situation at the Mandalay Bay was overlooked….someone should have asked questions.
Anon
I don’t understand the lawsuit fully, but as previous poster noted, he had lugged in A LOT of equipment to carry out the attack. Way more than a regular guest would ever need. Maybe that should have raised eyebrows? I think it is a more outcomes based decision, in all likelihood, as MGM’s insurer has deep pockets.
The reason I’m posting though is that at least some hotels – specifically on Disney World property, but I assume others as well – have instituted mandatory daily security checks of each room. This means that even if you turn down housekeeping, you must allow an employee into your room each day. they say this is for related reasons. Presumably some lawyer at Disney said they could be liable if they didn’t put something like this into effect.
Anon
Yes, Marriott is now doing this too…..
Seventh Sister
Also, it’s a confidential settlement. We don’t know if the housekeeping (or bell desk) staff alerted management or hotel security and got told “oh no, he’s a good customer, lay off” or something even worse that would get an even bigger verdict if it went to trial.
Anon
It might be an insurance thing – sometimes insurance will sue and it seems odd.
Seventh Sister
Anyone can sue anyone for anything. It doesn’t mean they will win. In this case, you can make the argument that the hotel should have had some kind of security in place such that someone couldn’t hole up their room with an arsenal of deadly weapons and shoot a bunch of other guests.
Anon
Can anyone recommend a good place to shop for rugs? I want a rug that feels nice (so no scratchy flat weaves),but isn’t a poor quality power loomed viscose rug like what Home Goods and the like carries. There has to be a store I’m not thinking of… I’ve already checked out Poftery Barn/West Elm/Crate and Barrel but haven’t found the one.
Anon
A few thoughts:
If you are in a city, there will be local shop that sells “better” rugs – an example in Toronto is Style garage – https://www.stylegarage.com/ Do some searching to find those options in your area.
And for my own anecdote – I’ve had good experiences with the more expensive ikea rugs. ($300+++) The styles were nice and they’ve held up well. If you are open to more traditional designs, there are likely a number of second hand options. I went that route (cheaply and successfully) for a while but partner isn’t into that aesthetic so I agreed to compromise…
Anon
ABC carpet and home?
anon
Rugs are difficult. I had to up my budget to find something I liked.
Some other places to look: Annie Selke, Restoration Hardware, Williams Sonoma Home
AnonInHouse
+1 to Annie Selke (which now owns Dash and Albert). If I had the budget, I’d get 100% wool Dash and Albert rugs.
LawDawg
I have had good luck at Macy’s. They have a huge selection and reasonable prices. Also, buy a mat for the area rug. It makes it so much better even if the rug itself is thin.
formerly Lilly
I’ve had good luck over the years internet shopping at Peerless Rugs. Sometimes there is a real steal in the sale section on a high quality wool rug, and even what’s not on sale is reasonably priced. Shipping can be a bit slow.
Anonymous
I liked ordering from Target because I knew I could easily return in-store. Their website has a huge variety of rugs from other manufacturers.
Senior Attorney
I’ve occasionally found nice rugs at Costco.
Anonymous
Rug Source… they sell on their own website and ebay. My husband and I have purchased 5 rugs from them and been very pleased. They are an online only place, but we didn’t understand that at first and since we live in Charlotte, we actually went to their warehouse and saw the operations (the owner was very kind to us, but I wouldn’t recommend going if you happen to live here). Basically, they sell a ton, ton, ton of previously used Persian style area rugs in a huge range of prices. We have some that are 40-50 years old, 100% wool and GIANT (12×18, for example), but all cost less than $1000. The quality of the rugs is top notch and look brand new. The owner gets pallets and pallets of rugs shipped to him that are just an assortment of sizes, colors and patterns. Then he cleans them multiple times, repairs them, then reinforces the edges of the rugs. I am partial to this style of rug, so it works really well for us and our 100 year old home.
He also sells more modern looking rugs, but those are newly machine made rugs and come with all the issues you have of buying that type of rug – lots of lint, off smells, etc. We have one of those rugs as well and it’s great for what it is (it’s 90% covered by our king sized bed), but it’s not nearly the quality of the Persian rugs.
Anon
Got ours from Costco along with the rug pad and I love it so much, and always get compliments on it from guests. Super easy maintenance, plush, no loose fuzzies.
Anonymous
The weather is starting to change where I am and I’m already dreading winter because I hate being cold. Please give me your recommendations for your warmest puffy coat. I just tried the Eddie Bauer Sun Valley parka (I think I heard about it here) and I love the fit of it but it’s so lightweight I’m not convinced it will keep me warm enough. Ideally I’d like to spend less than $300, but again, I am sick of being cold all winter long. Please help.
Anon
So I, personally, don’t love Uniqlo because it never fits me correctly. However, my (male) partner bought a puffer coat from them 3 seasons ago for cheapish – $200 Canadian?? – and it is so much warmer than my much more expensive, equally puffy looking coat from a major brand. I know this because I would always steal it when I had to make trips outside to take out the garbage.
When I was in high school and uni and law school I had a Patagonia coat that was warm and wonderful – eventually wore it out by literally wearing through the nylon. That was a good deal overall, but a much higher initial investment. (Thanks parents.)
Anonymous
My uniqlo down coat is very warm. For me, windblocking + down is important. I’m in NYC.
Ellen
I swear by Canadian Goose. I gave my white one away to NY Cares this Spring once it got warm b/c of a stain on the tuchus, but will be getting a new one in a darker color, which is longer. It is GOOSE down, which is warmer then regular duck down. Dad got a nice milatary coat that was made out of leather and wool, but it is NOT that warm. Unless you have a boyfriend to keep your body toasty in the winter, go with GOOSE down! YAY!
Hj
I have a Fjallraven parka that keeps me warm through the coldest artic winters. I paid probably $400 for it but that was 10 years ago and it still looks brand new. I worn it every winter for the last decade. Will not go out of style.
Z
I own the Sun Valley and can absolutely confirm that it warmer than it looks. Its also marked down to $174 from $259 on their website right now.
Z
I actually have the jacket version, not the parka. The parka is still on sale, though.
Anonymous
I am not sure they make it anymore, but the LL Bean Acadia Down Coat is FANTASTIC. About knee-length, entirely waterproof, warm down, stretchy cuffs to ensure nothing gets into the sleeves, doesn’t feel like wearing a sleeping bag. Have worn one for the last 6 years or so, I actually have it in two colors because I love it so much.
Vicky Austin
Lands’ End got me through the polar vortex last winter.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I have a Land’s End down coat that’s almost old enough to vote and that sucker is WARM. It looks a bit shabby finally so I’ll probably upgrade to one that has more waterproofing/wind-blocking features. Even their top-teir ones would fit your budget.
I HATE being cold too and those little handwarmer packets are amazing, plus they have ones that fit in the toes of your shoes.
anon
My warmest puffy coat is from Lands End (a discontinued style, I think), but the Sun Valley parka still seems pretty warm.
Mpls
Whatever you get, make sure it’s big enough to still be a little bit loose with all your winter layers. Winter coats keep you warm by trapping a warm air (from body heat) layer. If your outer layer is very fitted, you aren’t leaving a lot of room for that air layer to form.
kk
The technology now is that lightweight can be warm- no longer are we stuck with the heavy wool of the 80s and 90s. Instead, look for trapped warm air in cells- the patagonia nanopuff is a great example of this.
I’d keep the sun valley parka- I bet its warm even if it is lightweight. Do you have access to a big walk-in freezer you could test it out in?
pugsnbourbon
You can get almost anywhere if you carry a clipboard and act like you belong, so I’d try this at a grocery store the next town over. “Yep, I’m from frozen foods at corporate, I’ll be in and out in just a minute” boom done. Leave and never go back.
Anon
Canada Goose. I fought it for years (because cost) but seriously once I got it I realized I should have done it years ago.
higher ed
Favorite work dresses? In higher ed/law and do a lot of recruiting, events, receptions, etc. Would like a few nice dresses for these things where I need to be professional but suits don’t feel appropriate. Wanting sleeves (short or long) and machine washable. No specific budget, but thinking less than the often suggested MM LaFleur. Recs?
Anon
Talbots has a good number of throw on and go dresses. They have a heavier jersey that drapes beautifully and doesn’t cling that’s one of my faves. Those dresses are my “how do I get through this 12 hour day and not give a single thought to my clothes?” go-tos.
Anon
I’ve been wearing Talbot’s for years…I get the ponte sheath dresses on sale for $50-70…I dry clean though. Lands End and others have washable ponte knit sheath dresses in same price range.
Anonymous
Ann Taylor has a lot of sleeved dresses right now.
Beans
I love J. McLaughlin’s Catalina cloth dresses. They travel well and have a lot of long-sleeves. I found my size at the store, purchased one, and then have bought several others on Poshmark or Tradesy. They last for several years.
anon a mouse
How does the sizing run on J. McLaughlin?
Beans
I’ve found true to size. I usually wear a 4 in other brands, and I wear a 4 or a small with J. McLaughlin. 5’6”, 120 lbs ish.
I really love these dresses. They have some new ones this season with pockets!
Go for it
I have had great success with Old Navy sheath dresses in all sleeve types and colors. They run short, so I get them in tall size with no fit issues. That and a few fresh scarves might be your answer.
Anon.
This.
Anon
+1 I love my Old Navy sheath dresses.
Anon
– Boden Honor Dress
– Boden Elsa Ottoman Dress
– Karen Kane Cascade Wrap Dress
– Lauren by Ralph Lauren, all styles, you can buy on Ralph Lauren’s website or at Macy’s/Dillard’s
– Occasionally Maggy London or London Times, some of their prints are a bit much but they have some decent solid-color dresses
Velma
Also in higher ed (East Coast). At my U, dresses are a uniform for many women administrators, often with a non-matching blazer.
Some that work well for me: Lands End ponte (size down–LE sizing is enormous)–I like the straight styles with sleeves (wrap, scoopneck, etc.) better than the sleeveless sheath. Ralph Lauren (not the cheaper Chaps line) lined jersey– substantial, washable wrap and shirred styles. For deep winter, merino sweater dresses, including a few from Talbots.
Anonymous
Boden Ottoman Dresses with 3/4 sleeves. If I could get away with it and not have it be a thing, I’d wear them every day October to April. I’m plus sized, curvy and short-waisted and they make me look put together and more like Joan from Mad Men. It’s easy and I feel like a million bucks.
Posher for Life!
Have you looked at Poshmark? If you know the size/brand that fits, it’s a great place to find dresses (anything really). If you use my referral code (merrpg) you get $5 your first purchase, I do too. What’s great is that you can make an offer – don’t pay full listing price. If you know that Ann Taylor size 8/M fits you, for example, it’s a pretty safe bet.
Anonymous
I want to add a styling product(s) to my hair routine to up my hair game but am not sure where to start. Mousse? Styling cream? What do you recommend? Types of products and specific products welcome. More about me:
Hair: medium length, thick/course strands and lots of them, mostly straight, color-treated, slightly dry?
Styling methods: Revlon all-in-one for big days, quick blast of hair dryer for regular days, air dry on busy days
Goals: smooth, shine, lift at the roots, bounce
Anon
It sounds like we have similar hair and goals. I air dry at night when I wash my hair, and sometimes use a straightening brush/smoother depending on how late I am in the morning. Unfortunately, I’m come to the conclusion that my hair is too heavy to ever get much lift at the roots (maybe an hour post professional blow dry, never at home) so I can’t comment on that. Good luck.
However, the (absurdly expensive) Keratase Ultime Elixir Oil has been hair changing – it made a huge, noticeable difference when I continue to use it and it is obvious when I fail to use it after washing my hair. My hair is much shinier, smoother, fewer fly aways, and just…sits and bounces nicely. I’ve gone through half a bottle in a year, so this hasn’t been a major financial commitment. Def. recommend.
RemoteTechnology
I work remotely as a paralegal for a law firm. I was the first remote non-attorney and so am kind of the test-case for my firm, but have been remote for 5 years.
Since everything was so tentative, I bought my laptop personally 5 years ago and it’s getting slow. My firm has laptops, but they are unwilling to push security updates remotely and I am not driving ~6 hrs every week to get the updates. They lease their laptops, so never have old ones to pass along.
I would like to request some sort of money to cover all/part of the cost of a new laptop; any ideas? One time ‘technology bonus’? Request the ability to expense a laptop? Is this realistic?
FWIW I use my personal cell phone for work and they pay for none of that. I honestly do use the laptop for personal stuff lightly, but use my iPad more.
Anon
I would request a stipend or bonus for equipment so that you still own the computer, rather than expensing it and then having to give it to them if you get fired/laid off/quit, since that would be a time that you especially need a computer and don’t have extra $$$ to get a new one.
RemoteTechnology
Thank you! Stipend is the phrasing I was looking for.
Anon
How do you log in? If it’s possible to do a remote digital desktop instead of connecting directly into the firm’s servers. That’s how we logged in to our computers from home so no updates needed to be pushed through (we had malware etc. from a company that pushed them through as app updates, not as company specific through the IT department)
RemoteTechnology
I do use remote digital desktop with Citrix. Does that mean I shouldn’t need the patches?
anon for this
Can someone explain to a non-lawyer what it means that the Supreme Court is taking up the abortion-provider hospital privileges case? Does the fact that they are hearing it mean they are inclined to overturn the precedent, as opposed to not hearing it and letting the precedent stand?
Panda Bear
I am afraid that it’s the former. Ugh.
nasty woman
Not necessarily with this case. While I haven’t reviewed the lower court opinions in great detail, it appears that there were a lot of problems– both procedural and substantive– with the 5th Circuit Court of Appeals opinion which actually upheld the terrible law. In particular, it directly conflicts with the Supreme Court’s 2016 opinion (Hellerstedt v. Whole Women’s Health).
Anonymous
Is the medical issue whether you can admit patients to a hospital if a procedure doesn’t go as planned / goes awry?
I had two D&Cs, but both where done in hospitals by doctors who can admit there. With full anesthesiologists, etc. It was in the outpatient surgery center in the hospital basement, but the ER was an elevator ride away. That all seemed pretty medically safe to me.
[OTOH, my D&Cs weren’t elective abortions but were from miscarriages that hadn’t started to empty out after a week had passed. Ugh. I hate even thinking about it.]
I guess I don’t understand patient safety other than Joan Rivers died in an outpatient surgery center not attached to a hospital due to . . . anesthesia problems? O2 saturation problems?
nasty woman
“Is the medical issue whether you can admit patients to a hospital if a procedure doesn’t go as planned / goes awry?”
Kinda but I want to clarify, for interested readers. The issue is whether the doctor who performs the abortion should be required to have admitting privileges at a hospital within a certain radius. Of course, anyone who suffers complications will be admitted to a hospital. The anti’s don’t actually care whether the specific doctor who performs the abortions can admit and treat the patient– and quite frankly, if you’re having a surgical complication or an infection, then you need to be seen by a surgeon or an infectious disease specialist, not the person who performed a suction aspiration abortion or gave you a pill. Importantly, the vast majority of 1st trimester abortion procedures are extremely simple and have low complication rates. There may be situations, like an incomplete miscarriage, D&C further into the second trimester or if the patient has another health condition, that warrant performing the procedure in a hospital, but that’s not necessary for the majority of patients. All the anti’s want is to impose a credentialing requirement that is usually unobtainable. Then, they dishonestly insinuate that if a doctor does not have admitting privileges then either his or her patient cannot receive care or there will be an interruption in continuity of care. Neither of these propositions are supported by logic or evidence.
anon
Thanks for the background info.
Anonymous
What does it even mean then to be able to admit patients to a hospital? I mean, I can take myself to the ER. I guess if I’m medically compromised, does the ambulance bring me to the ER and . . . I get admitted?
I really don’t know what this means, practically speaking. If you have admitted privileges, are you a better doctor? Or something?
CountC
A doctor must have admitting privileges at a hospital to admit their own patients. For example, your OB has to have admitting privileges at the hospital where you want deliver if you want them to be able to deliver your baby there. A patient who is admitted via the ER with emergency services is assigned a doctor once admitted to the hospital. They don’t arrive with a doctor who is responsible for their treatment.
nasty woman
“If you have admitted privileges, are you a better doctor? Or something?”
Not at all. It means that you are made a part of the hospital’s medical staff and are authorized to treat patients at the hospital. Let’s pretend you’re an OB/GYN. You have an office-based practice where you and your midwives and nurses see patients for prenatal care, and you also deliver babies. You have admitting privileges at your local hospital, which allows you to handle deliveries there. Let’s pretend that your patient goes into early labor when she’s traveling– she can still go to any hospital, anywhere, be admitted, and deliver. But you cannot simply walk into any hospital with your patient and deliver her unless you have privileges there.
It’s a cumbersome process to apply for privileges (and it comes with responsibilities) and for hospitals to grant them. They don’t do it randomly for any doctor who asks. Often there are requirements that a doctor admit a certain number of patients. The hospital is allowing the doctor to work there, basically, even though he or she isn’t an employee. That has big implications for a hospital– use of resources, potential liability… Many doctors don’t have them and don’t need them. Your local ENT or family medicine doctor who has an office based practice does not need to see patients at Big Metro hospital. A surgeon on the other hand, needs privileges somewhere.
Admitting privileges are a fairly obscure thing that most people don’t know about unless they have a reason to, which is understandable. That’s why it’s easy for the anti-choicers to lie about it.
anon
I’m not a doc, but I think admitting privileges just means that you can care for patients at that hospital (ie, admit them directly to a unit rather than entry through the ER, order tests and medicines, discharge patients, etc).
It just means that you have an agreement with that hospital and satisfy their requirements, whether they be for credentials, background checks perform a volume of certain procedures (the hospital doesn’t want a transplant surgeon who does one transplant a year), or, for Catholic hospitals, a promise that you won’t perform certain procedures even if medically necessary.
Having admitting privileges at a particular hospital doesn’t signal higher quality to me. An inability to get admitting privileges anywhere flags to me that there’s a likely problem with the doctor (disciplinary or malpractice history) or the doctor provides politically unpopular care. For example, Catholic hospitals will probably require a doctor to promise not to provide a range of care that clergy think is bad, even if it’s medically necessary. Also, non-Catholic hospitals in conservative areas tend refuse privileges to doctors because they perform abortions.
Anonymous
So if an OB practice says “I deliver at Methodist Hospital,” then they have admitting privileges there (even though you usually admit yourself)?
I had outpatient surgery at a surgery suite by an ENT. Do I need to care if the ENT has admitting privileges? There was an anesthesiologist. If there had been an emergency, I guess an ambulance would have taken me to the nearest OR. And I’m not sure who I’d be handed over to.
Anonny
In addition to what nasty woman said, ironically, abortion providers often can’t get admitting privileges at local hospitals because abortion is such a safe procedure (safer than a colonoscopy, in fact) that they wouldn’t admit enough patients for it to be worth the hospital granting admitting privileges.
LaurenB
A doctor just can’t walk into any hospital and ask to use the operating room for her patient needing surgery. She needs to be on staff at the hospital – that is to say, have privileges at that hospital – and that means the hospital has vetted her in some way.
My elderly mother who lives 30 miles away had some health issues requiring treatment. If we went to her local ER (big city), we would sit there for hours. Instead, I drove her out to the suburbs to the hospital where my spouse has admitting privileges, and she was admitted straight in and bypassed the ER. He could also oversee her treatment. He couldn’t have done so at Big City Hospital because he doesn’t have privileges there.
Is it Friday yet?
So if an OB practice says “I deliver at Methodist Hospital,” then they have admitting privileges there (even though you usually admit yourself)?
Yes, that means they have admitting privileges at that facility. But you cannot admit yourself to the hospital (i.e., walking in under your own steam doesn’t mean you’re admitting yourself) in any circumstance – a doctor (that isn’t you, if you are one) has to admit you. So it could be your OB. It could also be a hospitalist if you’re going in through the ER and don’t have a physician with admitting privileges at that particular hospital. Your ENT probably had admitting privileges somewhere, but if not, you’d have been admitted by a hospitalist/ER doc in the event of complications that required admission.
Anonny
Also just for background, I do want to point out that “surgical” abortion is actually a misnomer. It’s not surgery, so comparison to, say, plastic surgery complications aren’t really apt.
LaurenB
Yes, if an OB says “I deliver at X Hospital,” then he or she has admitting privileges there. by definition. Because the hospital doesn’t just let any OB off the street walk in and use their nurses, facilities, operating room, etc. You all are a bunch of lawyers – surely you understand what a liability nightmare that would be.
You’re getting hung up on the word “admit.”
Anonymous
As an appellate lawyer, if we won in the lower appellate court we never want the higher court to review the decision, but if we lost in the lower court and the higher court agrees to take the case we counsel our client that is not a guarantee that the higher court will rule in our favor. However, for this case the grant of cert is frightening in this post-Kennedy era, since he was the swing vote on many abortion cases . Now with Kavanaugh on the Court, the majority has probably shifted. :(
A.
Help me choose a spring break option for my family. For the sake of this exercise, let’s pretend these are the only two choices. We’re traveling at the end of March and it’s me, spouse, and three kids age 4.5 – 10. Kids are good travelers. Budget is (unfortunately!) a factor.
Option A: Oahu for a week for $6100 plus food and excursions. Fly direct to/from Chicago on a Wednesday, return on a Tuesday night redeye, and stay at the Embassy Suites (free breakfast!) in Waikiki. Rent a car as needed. We’ve never been to Hawaii as a family. Pros: it’s Hawaii and flights are direct. Cons: far to travel, and the Embassy Suites doesn’t scream “amazing” to me (we picked it for budgetary reasons).
Option B: Sanibel Island for a week for $6400 plus food and excursions. Fly direct to/from our small town on a Wednesday, return on a Tuesday. Stay at the Sanibel Inn. No food included. Car rental the entire time. We went to Florida (Disney) last year as a family. Pros: short flight (3 hours), seems like there’s lots to do in Sanibel. Cons: we did [admittedly a very different version of] Florida last year.
Anonymous
Sanibal. Because in Hawaii you def need to rent a car and get out there and do all the fabulous amazing things that are the reason to go, and those all cost money, and you seem concerned about budget. In Sanibal you’ll spend a lot less money day to day and have a very pleasant vacation without feeling like you can’t do the good stuff because it’s too expensive.
Anonymous
Option A. Disagree that you ‘have’ to rent a car on Hawaii – if you are staying beach front, enjoy the beach and then just sign up for a few tours/excursions.
Anonymous
I grew up in Sarasota and would pick Hawaii over Sanibel in a heartbeat but I hate Florida. I think its going to be a lot more exciting though.
Anon
Is there a total number you’re hoping to stay under? Food in Hawaii is absurdly expensive, even at the grocery store. For a family of five, I would budget at least $250/day for food, even with a buffet breakfast included. Have you checked car rental prices? They can be $1k/week easily. If you can swing the car rental and food costs, I would definitely do Hawaii.
I know you said these are the only two options, but have you checked flight/hotel prices for other Hawaiian islands? Frequently a flight with a layover is cheaper than a direct flight, so you might able to go to Big Island or Kauai for less than the cost of Oahu. I think your kids are old enough that a layover is not a big deal, and you can usually layover in Honolulu so if you get stranded at least you’re in Hawaii.
anon
If you have the budget to enjoy activities while you’re there, I’d go to Hawaii. I would look into a vacation rental for at least part of the week. You’ll have more space than in a hotel room. Parking will be easier and cheaper than in Waikiki, and you can do day trips as needed. Nearby beaches will be less crowded and more relaxed than Waikiki. You’ll be able to buy food for breakfasts and store leftovers and keep water and other beverages on hand. (Really, this could apply in Sanibel, and maybe allow you to save a little toward a trip to Hawaii next year if it’s out of reach this year.)
Anon
I don’t picture Sanibel as a “family” destination. It’s more well-to-do grandparents. I’m not sure how kid-friendly it’s going to be. Hanging out on the beach and collecting seashells sound like a good time to me, but if that’s not your family’s jam, you might want to reconsider.
anon
Hmm, that makes sense. I grew up a couple of hours from Sanibel, and my parents only ever went without me :-)
Mrs. Jones
Hawaii no question.
Cat
Is there a reason you are wedded to hotels vs. an Airbnb? Seems like you might get a TON more for your money if you rent a condo.
I went to Sanibel as a kid and it was great for my family, but we are dedicated beach bums who are happy to just float in the water, read, and shell hunt all day. Waikiki is a very different, busy bustling crowded vibe.
A.
Husband wants daily housekeeping (hence the hotel), but I agree that an AirBNB would take us further. Good point!
Anonymous
Many vacation rental companies can arrange daily housekeeping as an add-on.
Anon
It will also be SO much easier to have a condo – meals at home, laundry, etc.
Anonymous
See here I differ. I ain’t doing laundry or cooking meals on vacation. That’s the whole point of getting away!
Anon
Yeah I’m with Anon at 12:41. It’s not vacation if I’m cooking and cleaning and I avoid AirBNBs for that reason. That said, I don’t think Embassy Suites is the most budget hotel option out there. Maybe if you need a suite (although not all Embassy Suites are true suites!! we learned that the hard way…sometimes they’re just big rooms), but even then I think you might be better off getting two rooms at a budget motel.
anon
But I don’t know that three kids, ages 4.5-10, can be by themselves in a hotel room–which means mom and dad sleep in different rooms on vacation. If the hotel can guarantee connecting rooms, it’d probably be OK, but I’d worry that we’d request them but they wouldn’t be available when we arrived. I’d rather have an AirBNB or suite.
I agree with not cooking or doing laundry on vacation for the most part. But having an AirBNB, or at least a hotel room with a kitchenette, is nice for breakfast (unless the hotel provides breakfast) and snacks and quick sandwiches when that’s actually easier than going out with 5 kids. And with kids, access to laundry can be really, really nice to have. You may not plan to use it, but you’ll be happy to have it after someone gets car sick or brings cocinas (or whatever the equivalent in Hawaii is) in from the beach and lets them die in their pockets, or whatever it is kids do. At the very least, it helps to throw wet stuff in the drier for the next day. This is why people say that traveling with kids isn’t a vacation, just parenting in a different place.
Anonymous
$6400 seems like a lot to spend on Sanibel. And $6100 doesn’t seem like the actual cost of a week in HI. I would either try and do FL for under $4k or go tonHI knowing it will be closer to $10k.
Have you thought about puerto rico as a FL-like flight with a different feel than your last Orlando trip? Or Miami?
PolyD
Okay, why is the name of the blouse featured today “silly”? Does HBIC stand for something? I am old and not up on the latest slang.
Anon
I did a search for it. Yes, it’s silly.
PolyD
Is it safe to search at work?
Anonymous
Head B in charge
Anon
Head B1tch in Charge
Vicky Austin
Head B*tch in Charge.
Gigi
Head B – – – – in Charge
Anon
Head b*tch in charge
PolyD
Yeah, that’s a silly name alright.
Horse Crazy
How should I prepare myself, my house, and my partner for a foot surgery that will keep me off my feet for a week, and then non weight bearing on that foot for 6-8 weeks? Work isn’t a problem – they’re incredibly flexible. Surgery is December 12, a Thursday. Partner will take Thursday and Friday off to help me. Our house is one story, and we have 2 cats and no children. Both of my parents live nearby and have semi-flexible work schedules. I’ve had surgeries before, but none that have kept me off my feet or off the road for so long. For example, I’m trying to figure out things like whether I should set myself up in bed or on the couch – both have TVs and are pretty much equidistant to the bathroom, but I’m not sure which will be more comfortable/easier to get up from. Any tips/suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Anon
“How should I prepare myself, my house, and my partner” … I read this as “my horse” due to your username. No advice, but good wishes!
Anon
Ha – she probably does need to prepare her horse for some downtime too!
I recommend settling on the couch so you feel like you are “getting out of bed” for the day – it’s a mental boost. Otherwise, I think you’ll be okay with the set-up you’ve described.
Horse Crazy
Hahaha that’s an entirely separate problem! :)
AnonMidwest
My mother was non weight bearing for 8 weeks ish here’s what worked for her in a similar one story house. we set up primarily on the couch (because she’s TV centric) she had a knee scooter so I made sure that as much of the clutter furniture was out of the way, making turns easier. for example I moved the coffee table out of the way cleared out the hall way furniture. Set up an all essentials station where ever you’ll be primary. Chargers, electronics, kellenex, chapstick, lotion, notepad, pens, whatever else. Make sure alexa is nearby if you have/want that as well.
Her kitchen was pretty bare to begin with but I moved small appliances to be more reachable given the limited mobility.
Also – I borrowed a firm yoga bolster from my studio which helped with keeping her leg elevated and the swelling down. I assume that any sort of large firm pillow would work.
Foot surgery warrior
I’m currently recovering from my third (!) foot surgery. By now, I could have bought the knee scooter for what I’ve paid in rental! We have hardwood floors which makes the scooter easy to move but sometimes hard to control. If you have rugs, tape them down or move them out of any paths you’ll take. The first few days are the worst because you’re on meds and everything is a bit sore. Don’t skimp out on pain meds. The last thing you want is to wake up in the middle of the night in extreme pain; ask me how I know. I switched sides of the bed with my husband to have a clearer and easier path to the bathroom. All my clothes are in a bin at the end of the bed – pajamas, underwear, socks, pants, shirts – everything. Baby wipes are essential as you won’t be able to take a shower. I’ve never attempted a bath while non-weight bearing but I guess some people do. Hair washing is in the kitchen sink or whatever sink is deepest. I had put my toiletries (toothbrush, etc.) on the bathroom counter for ease of access, but that was stopped when one of my cats decided to explore them in the middle of the night. Get a knee scooter with a basket; you’ll use it a lot for transporting things. You’ll need to keep your surgery foot elevated so have a foot stool or something else that is movable so you can maneuver with the knee scooter. Ice your surgery foot constantly to keep the swelling down; put the ice pack behind the knee. I sometimes tie it on with a kitchen towel so it doesn’t slip or fall off. Working from home helps, but make sure your home office setup allows access off and back on the knee scooter. Cats will walk in front of you a lot; just stop and let them go by. It doesn’t matter a lot where you sit as long as you are comfortable and can get off and on your scooter easily. I just bought a memory foam seat cushion because sitting for a long time can be painful, no matter the chair. Meals should be easy as your partner/family will end up preparing them, at least in the early weeks. Same with grocery shopping; my husband has done fabulous with the shopping but he does need some specific directions. Make sure you do all the leg exercises your doctor recommends to prevent DVT.
This is a lot to take in! If you have more questions, feel free to reach out. I think I could write a book by now. My first surgery (right foot bunion/hammer toe) went well and so did the second one (left foot bunion) until I broke a screw. Now I’m non-weight bearing for ten weeks – late November before I can walk if all goes well. Take it day by day; it will get better.
Anon
Knee scooter and make plans to live, sleep, bathe on the ground floor of your house if you can (avoid the stairs if possible)
Horse Crazy
Wow, thank you so much!! This is incredibly helpful. Would love to hear any other experiences/advice you have with bunion surgery – that’s what I’m having. I’m doing my right foot first, since it’s worse, and then my left hopefully next summer/fall. If you have time, you can email me at horsecrazyrette at gmail dot com. I’m especially worried about pain management and the recovery timeline. Thank you!!!
Horse Crazy
Ugh, comment with burner email is in mod. Another question – what did you wear to the surgery, and also at home after? The other surgeries I’ve had have been upper body, so the concern has always been pulling shirts over my head, which I’ve handled by wearing button-ups until I could move my arms enough. But will I be able to get pants over the bandages/cast?
Is it Friday yet?
I wore a loose, comfortable dress so I didn’t have to deal with getting anything on over my ankle.
Is it Friday yet?
A stool in the shower if yours doesn’t have a bench (and hey, if you can get a handhold shower head, even better). A temporary handicapped placard for when you need to leave the house. Realize that you cannot carry anything in your hands if you are on crutches – so nothing on plates or in cups/mugs. I had a mini backpack that I carried around the house, so I could stick wrapped snacks and bottled drinks in it to take back to the couch. I would set up on the couch rather than in bed, as long as you can get your foot elevated there, as then you get to change scenery (whooo) during the day. Also, I was only offered crutches , but I’ve since seen people with peg leg things that attach to your knee, and also scooters that you kneel on with the bad leg – ask for one of those, because you’ll be a LOT more mobile on that than just crutches. (yay horses, that was a terrible summer)
Anonymous
Speaking as someone who at various times has been through bunion surgery, surgery for a Plantar Fasciitis embedded nerve and hammer toe surgery…
_Get one of those handheld spray thingies for your shower, some traction grippies and a seat. (Yes, you will feel like a senior citizen!) It’s hard enough to maneuver without worrying about getting any bandaging wet.
_If you don’t have one already, get yourself a fanny pack or small back pack. When you hit crutches stage, it will help you take stuff from one room to another while leaving your arms free.
–Consider stocking up on doubles of things that you use often so you can have one in each room. For example, I kept my deodorant, lip balm, spare contacts and lotion in the bathroom off my living room and in my bedroom so I had easy access regardless of where I was situated for the day.
Anonymous
thredjack – how did you find bunion surgery? I’ve had a consult but they basically said the results are often 50-50. I’m just so tired of having an impossible time fitting shoes. I don’t even care about ‘pretty’ feet – I just want to be able to buy shoes.
Beaglelover
My personal experience with bunion surgery was a negative. I just traded one kind of pain for another and still have problems even wearing wide shoes on that foot. You might want to go to barkingdogshoes.com, Kristen has all sorts of great recommendations for nice looking shoes for all conditions.
Anon
My 40th is coming up next year. I want to do something, but I don’t know what. Anyone who planned anything for their 40th want to share ideas?
I know I want to feed people, have drinks, and maybe some kind of live music. Basically, a wedding without the wedding. Is a restaurant a good venue? How much should I budget for a party for 50? Should I do day or evening? With or without kids?
Mrs. Jones
DH and I turned 40 the same summer and threw a party at our house on a Sat. night. Catering by local restaurant. Live music by friends who are in a band. We didn’t invite kids.
Anon
Budget depends hugely on venue. There are very casual restaurants in my city where you could probably host 50 people for $1-2k. I’m sure there are restaurants in NYC where you could spend 20 times that much.
Anon
OP here with a little more background: FWIW, I have never been married so this feels like it might be my one chance to gather all my special people in one place. I don’t particularly love being the center of attention, but I do love all the wonderful people in my life and it feels like a wedding or a milestone birthday is one of the only times you can ask them to get together to celebrate you. I don’t want it to seem diva-ish, I just want a chance to be with everyone I love in one place!
Anonymous
Do it! I would 100% prioritize attending a party for a friend who wasn’t married as it’s definitely a great opportunity to have all the people you love in one place and I so appreciate everyone who made the effort to attend so that I got to experience that at my wedding.
anne-on
Do it! Fwiw though, you might get more people to attend if there are a lot of parents/young kids in your family/friend group if you schedule during the day and spring for some kid entertainment. We’ve been to a lot of adult Saturday afternoon milestone parties lately. The ‘kid’ activities included showing a movie in another room, hiring sitters/having a craft table, renting a video game bus for the kids (all “G” games, $$$ but a huge hit) and having entertainers do a thing (magician, face painters, etc.).
Samantha
I second this. I am a parent and would spring for a babysitter but I absolutely know that some of my friends would not make it if there wasnt an arrangement for kids. The kid entertainment needn’t be much. I would hire a magician or “fairy” from Yelp who does tricks, and have them entertain the kids in the yard or in a room while the parents hang out elsewhere. It will make the occasion more messy but also more fun and free-for-all.
anon
I’m also turning 40 this year. :) For my husband’s 40th, I hosted a backyard party with good food and beer. Thankfully, my FIL catered almost the whole thing (bless him), so cake/dessert was the only food I had to worry about. I actually sent out formal invitations in the mail; I think a Facebook invite would’ve been easy to blow off as just another barbecue. A friend helped me with the decor. It was a blast and almost all the invitees attended and stayed long into the evening. I’d do it again.
anon
Oh yeah, I made it clear that it was an adults-only event and not for the kids (even though we have kids, too).
Anon
I would try to find an unusual/fun venue in your city to host the party. I’m in New Orleans, so these abound, but some ideas would be a museum (wax museum?), bowling alley, art gallery, the zoo, the aquarium, aboard a boat, etc. I’ve been to events a venues like these and they’re pretty fun. And my wedding was at the zoo, so I’m partial! :)
Senior Attorney
+1 to the fun venue. For my 60th we rented a party boat and had dinner and dancing as we cruised around New York Harbor. SO FUN.
Samantha
+1 to a boat ride or cruise if you can – we did this for a family milestone birthday and it was a blast.
I have also been to a karaoke birthday venue and it was good fun – you can cater in food and drinks to the private karaoke room.
40th
I had a 40th birthday lunch at a a restaurant with about 70 people (including kids). I wanted my kids there but also wanted separate time with the adults. This particular banquet hall had a partition that divided in two — for half the time, the kids were in another room and I hired a magician and two babysitters to keep everyone entertained. I also printed out photos of me with various friends who were there and decorated the room, got some bouquets of flowers, and balloons to decorate. I asked a few people to give speeches, which they did, and they were super thoughtful and sweet. I even hired a planner, which sounds crazy, but she made everything so much easier and enjoyable for me, as I don’t like event planning. It worked out great and everyone had fun.
If you don’t want kids there, I would just throw a party at a great restaurant one evening and have fun!
Original Moonstone
I threw a birthday event in a party room (is that what it’s called?) at a Chicago restaurant with drinks before and a limited dinner menu. I think there were 26 people and it cost $2200. They let us bring in our own wine.
Anon
I’m in Chicago! Which restaurant? This sounds very doable.
Original Moonstone
Sorry — just got back to this thread. So, it may not be to your taste but the chefs at Sunday Dinner Club put together a menu for me and I rented the private dining room above their restaurant (Honey Butter Fried Chicken on Elston). Here are the menus they recently served: https://www.sundaydinnerclub.com/events. Basically, I just bought out a whole seating. And I should be more clear that it was BYOB but I brought wine and beer for the whole group. This was some years ago so I don’t know if they still do it but here’s the contact info@sundaydinnerclub.com. I recommend going to one of the dinners to see if you like the venue.
Anonymous
I’ve been to a few 40ths. One was at a bowling alley (rented out, pizza/beer/bar food provided), one woman rented a roller rink and did a great 80s themed party. One was at a bar- food And drinks provided. I’ve been to two at the honoree’s home. One had food catered (heavy duty apps) and has a bartender and music and a college theme (beer pong, quarters, music from when honoree was in college etc). And the other home party was highly catered (big meal), two bartenders, high end cocktails, a band.
Anon
I just turned 40 and had a party in the upstairs private area of a brewery/bar that naturally had live music in the main bar area we could hear after a certain point. Catered in simple food options. I have kids, and yet I had my party at night & did not include kids & still had a great turnout. You know your crew, but I find in most of my friend circles we are happy to have an excuse to get sitters & have a rare adult night out that doesn’t require a lot of back and forth about dates and locations like a more random (non-occasion) night would entail.
Anon
Some advice: call a lot of different places. Some will have you order off a banquet menu, which can be both boring and overpriced. Some will require you to pay per-head for alcohol, which may not be what you want to do. Some will put together a more limited menu (so they can actually bring out 50 dinners at once) at your desired price point.
It was a lot harder than we expected to find space for our 30 person rehearsal dinner, which is how I know this.
Air BNB prohibitions in lease terms
Does anyone have a lease that prohibits AirBNB / subletting / short-term guests?
I get that tenants can have houseguests, even if they are away. But how can you really police whether a tenant is doing AirBNB on the sly? I have a condo that I don’t want to sell (would like to keep to induce parents to retire to my city or at least snowbird here). But if I rent it, I worry that a tenant will AirBNB it when my city hosts sporting events. I don’t think I can adequately insure for that and the condo association frowns on it (and the immediate neighbors would be livid; one neighbor did this once and there is nothing like being kept up past 2 and then woken up at 4 every TH-SAT night/overnight).
Enlist spies? Be explicit when screening tenants? There is one major event coming to my city soon that is likely both lucrative and hugely disruptive and I want no part of it. No house parties, etc. This is getting to be a problem in my city, especially since there are real neighbors bearing the costs of a house for 4 people hosting an all-night drinking and weed fest with occasional gun shots.
Anonymous
Put it in your lease and if they violate it your neighbors or association will probably report it to you and you can try to evict them.
BabyAssociate
My lease/condo board explicitly prohibit it. I don’t think the language is Airbnb specific, but short term rentals (defined as under 6 months, I think) are not allowed. If the building is staffed this is definitely something they keep an eye out for. The only other way to “police” compliance is to check the Airbnb website to see if your unit is posted.
anon for this
Our lease had a clause that only the tenant was approved for occupancy and any guests longer than 3 days needed to be approved by landlord. We never enforced it but you could add something with 1-2 days. We also had a clause that said that anything that impacted the immediate safety and enjoyment of the adjoining neighbors such as firearms or illegal drugs were grounds for immediate termination of the lease. Separately we had a clause that the tenant was responsible for the cost plus 10% of any damage to the property as a result of negligence.
I’m not sure how you actually prevent it, unless you look at rental listings and try to spot yours?
anon
I have a lease that prohibits tenants from doing AirBNB. Short-term rentals are illegal in my county, so I have very clear language in the lease and specifically discuss it with prospective tenants.
But even without a county-wide prohibition, I think it’s fair to say your tenant can’t have short-term rentals. If you wanted to take on the risk (liability, extra maintenance, neighbors hating you), you’d list the apartment on AirBNB yourself at higher per-night rates. When you have a long-term tenant, you charge less for (hopefully) more stability.
I just looked at my lease, and it says, “Tenant shall not rent the Premises or of any part (i.e., any room, rooms or facilities) of the Premises for any period of less than thirty (30) days (“Short-Term Rental”), including but not limited to rental through AirBNB, VRBO, or similar website(s). Any Short-Term Rental of Premises by Tenant shall be cause for immediate default under this Lease.”
Anon
Contractually, it is easy to put this provision in a lease. You can also require that the tenants abide by the condo association rules and guidelines.
You carefully screen tenants and ask for references. I am not certain about how it works to discriminate on age if you want older people, but generally, 35 year olds don’t do this as much as younger people.
As for remedies: depending on your state, you may have a lot of difficulty in evicting a bad tenant.
If you want to figure out if your condo is on Airbnb, you get an Airbnb account and do a search for it.
blueberries
As a practical matter, get to know your neighbors, make sure they have you cell phone number, and know that you prohibit short term rentals and loud parties and welcome their call if there’s ever a problem of that sort.
Anon
Your neighbors will know and they will tell on you.
AFT
This. My parents’ building had an regular Airbnb renter and it was obvious because there were different, slightly confused, people going into the apartment every weekend.
Anonymous
You can also generally require that any tenant carry renter’s insurance, and possibly, maybe require they carry a certain amount of renter’s insurance that is above the minimum?
Anonymous
I’m a biglaw jr. associate at the tail end of an insanely busy (at least 80 hr) week and I need a break. I’ve barely slept all week, I haven’t done anything besides sit in a chair and work, and I’m feeling really burnt out and unable to continue performing at the level that I am expected to. I can already tell that the partners on the file are going to ask me to work all weekend. Unlike them, I prioritize my health and my family, so they wouldn’t understand if I said I needed a day to recharge or to see my family. It is reasonable to say that I’ll be out of the box on Saturday due to family commitments, but am happy to pick it up again on Sunday? Any biglaw partners want to weigh in on what you would think/feel if an associate said this to you?
Anon
Of course it is reasonable to ask for a WEEKEND DAY to recharge after an 80-hour week! It is even reasonable to ask for the whole weekend. The fact that anyone would think it is not is a testament to the insane expectations of Biglaw. I’m sorry you are having to work this much.
This is probably a dumb question (not a lawyer, never have been a lawyer, don’t even know any lawyers!), but why doesn’t biglaw just hire more people so associates can share the workload? 80-hour weeks just don’t seem sustainable.
Anonymous
Pls don’t? This is bad advice and you have no idea what you’re talking about. They pay her bucket loads of money for all of her time.
No, don’t ask for a day off, just be out of pocket at certain times and work around it.
Anon
I agree. This is why biglaw attorneys get paid so much. You are essentially selling you life. That’s why I never went into it. Work if needed but not all day. Take some time to sleep and relax but put in a few hours if needed.
biglawpartneranon
This – as a biglaw partner…in completely and total honestly – this is an ask for forgiveness rather than permission situation. I would say take tomorrow “off” as in watch for emergent WHERE ARE YOU emails – but otherwise go back online Sunday. Asking ahead of time just begs the answer you don’t want to hear.
Anonymous
In Big Finance, if the deal needs to get done, you’ll be working all weekend as needed. However, I typically a) get in an early workout class (counsel tends to not be early morning people) b) try to do something with friends/family for some time. That said, the social event has to be cancelable. I had a deal close early Monday morning in August and didn’t leave my house all weekend—too many fits and starts over the Sat/Sun. It happens rarely, but it happens.
anon
In many cases, they don’t hire more people because there’s a “feast or famine” cycle to law, especially litigation. They want/need associates to bill X hours in order for the partners to take home whatever they want to make, which may average out to something like 40-45 hours per week depending on the firm (which means you’re probably working at least 50-60 because not all your time is billable). But in reality, that means some weeks as a junior associate, you work 80-100 hours, and some weeks you’re billing 30-40 hours. You have no control over that schedule, and your actual need for a break doesn’t matter to anyone you work for. It’s rare–but maybe the holy grail–to have a practice that allows you to bill exactly 40-45 hours per week.
Anon
Because big law firms compete with each other on pay, all paying almost the exact same amount. If they underpay, it looks (to clients) like they aren’t hiring the very best attorneys. Therefore, they all end up paying associates far more than they are worth… and make it up by crazy schedules.
anon
Just stop…you don’t know anything about this so please don’t give out bad advice. Of course the expectations are extremely high. But they are what they are. OP’s not going to change them by COB today.
OP- The big law salary is an option contract for your time. It does not sound like this is a long-term place for you based on your other comments. Sorry, big law isn’t going to change for you. Like it or lump it. You’re welcome to “set healthy boundaries,” but for you, that probably looks like going to a smaller firm/govt/in house. The choices that your partners are making and the boundaries they have chosen to set may not look healthy to you, but that’s what they’ve chosen. For them, maybe it is a sustainable work-life balance. For you, it’s clearly not. Earn your absurd salary for 3 years and leave. It is not wrong to leave and decide that you want a healthier life.
Cat
Sorry, the partners understand that working that hard is miserable, but this is what they pay you the $$$$ for. Given you say they don’t “value” their health or family, presumably they’ll be working all weekend too…
Anon at 10:55, as you admit you don’t know Biglaw culture at all, you probably shouldn’t be telling the OP that her request would be reviewed as reasonable or “in touch” with what is expected of junior associates.
Anonymous
Op here – I am 100% sure that they will work all weekend, but that’s because they don’t set healthy boundaries. I do, so why should I suffer as a result of their failure to maintain a sustainable work-life balance?
Anon
Because you are a junior associate, and this is what you are paid for.
Anon
Lol this is why so many women and people with families leave big law in droves. You hear “I want to set reasonable boundaries to preserve my health and mental stability” and you hear “they don’t pay you for that”. You’re legitimately brainwashed and sick in the head.
I do, however, agree that you are paid to power through for bursts followed by rests as NEEDED, not just because the partner is insane. If you can’t handle one week, it’s probably not the place for you. IME in big law, you go at a steady but busy clip in most instances then the 3-4 weeks in the run up to the case or closing you pull long hours and weekends (although I never knew someone to at least not take a Sunday afternoon off or something in that time).
anon
“You’re legitimately brainwashed and sick in the head.”
Do we have to do this again? We can tell OP what reality is without necessarily endorsing that reality.
Anonymous
Because they are paying you a crazy high salary to buy all your time. If you don’t want to be available 24/7 as a junior, then don’t be in big law.
Anonymous
And before I am attacked – I’m well aware that the culture of biglaw is ‘always available’. But I think (as do an increasing number of people in my generation and the next one) that’s an unsustainable and harmful culture to perpetuate. Isn’t it up to us to change the culture for the better by setting boundaries like this?
Anonymous
You are disposable to them. They will hire someone else. The culture will change when the best graduates from the best schools stop taking these jobs.
Anonymous
Why would you accept a job at a place that you knew you would find “unsustainable and harmful”?
anon
No, it’s not up to you as a junior associate. That’s why so many people leave. They’ll just replace you.
I don’t think graduates from the best schools will stop taking these jobs until legal education costs less (which is never). People work hard for a few years, pay off their loans, learn a lot, and leave. That’s the system for 9/10 junior associates in Big law.
Anonymous
hahaha
just the other day people were saying it was 100% fine for a junior associate to WFH whenever she wants b/c she has a kid
anon
FWIW, I am cheering you on, OP! I am not in law, but in a workplace culture that also glorifies burn-out and suffering as a default, to the effect of only a narrow demographic succeeding in this profession!
Cat
In theory, OP, yes. In practice, trying to do this results in the partners avoiding staffing you on their next deal, getting a reputation as a special snowflake, and other unpleasant consequences. Biglaw generally exists because clients are willing to pay a premium to get fast, expert, work. The premise that it can be a work-life-friendly industry is bound to fail because it’s wholly inconsistent with why the demand is there.
The partners may indeed be workaholic types that prioritize their Biglaw careers over family time. If you don’t want to be one of them, s*ck it up for a few years, get yourself experienced and marketable, and then go in-house.
Anonymous
Lol because this is the job they hired you and pay you to do. If you just don’t wanna, then get yourself a different job. This cannot be real.
Anon
+1. Also, if this has only been going on for one week, there is no way this request is going to be seen as reasonable. I’m not even in Biglaw, and the senior partners at my firm would never be OK with an associate refusing to work on the weekend after one busy week.
Anon
Not in biglaw, but based on advice I’ve seen from other women here, you’re never going to get permission or a blessing to set boundaries. YOU have to set boundaries and enforce them.
Anonymous
I will get you back your sleep tonight/tomorrow morning.
Turn off the alarm. Sleep until your body wakes you. Take a shower. Do some wash. Eat a meal. Only then check your e-mail. If there is a fire drill that you are missing: “I must have had some bad takeout. I was up all night getting sick and have just now seen this. What can I handle?” If not, still proceed with caution, but at least you are rested a bit.
Signed,
Used to begging, borrowing, and stealing
biglaw sr associate
THIS. It’s off putting when a jr informs me, “I need time off” (before you know whether it’s a work all weekend kind of thing), when the deadline for the work would allow you for time off over the weekend or is required before the weekend, so the out of town visitors brunch on Sunday, I don’t care about. (Not your case, but wanted to note this as an example).
Suggestions:
– as noted above, carve out the time you need
– be mindful of the actual deadline, so if it means cancelling all of your weekend vineyard touring plans so you can rest but also get the Big Project out Monday morning, do that (I also prioritize health, happiness and family, but you have to choose what you’re going to do).
– don’t take on more work, it’s okay not to volunteer if a staffing partner asks the practice group on Saturday morning for volunteers
– save the “family commitments” for actual family commitments.
a lot of the other folks have also chimed in so i will end here.
Anon
And based on what I’ve seen here, that may mean you get forced out sooner rather than later. I know people sometimes interpret that as commenters here advocating for an unsustainable lifestyle, but I think really it’s just commenters offering advice about what is actually realistic in the real world.
Anonymous
“I can feel a migraine starting so I’m going to rest this evening and tomorrow morning as I don’t want to end up out of commission all weekend. Hope to be back at it tomorrow afternoon or Sunday morning. “
The Good Wife
I think it depends on the circumstances. Are you in a transactional team that is working towards a tight deadline and everyone is throwing everything towards it? or is an accumulation of smaller tasks that probably could be spread out? I suppose my question is.. are you running a spirit in respect of a particular deal? if you are, I think it would be viewed very badly, especially if the rest of the team is putting in the effort. Unfortunately, this is the life of a junior associate and exactly why you are paid what you are.
K
If you have to work all weekend, then you do. You get to recharge when the case quiets down.
Anon
Wait you mean you WANT all day off because you had an 80 hour week? Come on. How special that you prioritize health and family and no once else in biglaw does. But sorry they aren’t paying you 200k or 230k or whatever juniors make right now to hear about your priorities. At most you can say you are out of pocket for a block of time on either Saturday or Sunday but I’d say that should be about 3-4 hours MAX. And honestly just don’t do anything else this weekend besides work and sleep — no TV, Netflix, grocery shopping, reading, working out, whatever. Even the busiest weekend days tend to be better than weekdays — a busy weekend day may only be 16 hours, a busy weekday can be 20+ hrs. So use that extra 6-8 hours to sleep.
Anon
The advice here is spot on even though the spirit of it is kind of evil.
In big law, you cope by taking out pockets of time, not entire days. You service out everything you can so those little pockets of time are actual leisure time (when busy I had a biweekly maid, dog walker, grocery delivery, and laundry drop off/pick up). You grab 2-4 hour chunks of time for dinner with friends/family, dates, etc. And don’t overcommit yourself. You simply will not be able to do everything you want. But you should be able to have reasonable small breaks when you plan and change your expectations.
In big law, even during crazy periods, I still managed to work out three days a week (morning or lunch when you are less likely to be bothered) and went out with friends and family a couple times a month (usually Sunday evenings when partners actually spend time with their kids).
Anon
OP, I get that it’s really frustrating that you watch your superiors have bad boundaries/time management. It’s the same for me in a different industry – my boss will spend half the day messing around and color-coding his task list, but then he’ll be forced to work all night to get a deliverable done. It’s hard to push back against that and I applaud your efforts in trying, even in an industry like biglaw. Hopefully you can get somewhere with this, although I do agree with other posters that it’s going to be hard.
Anon
The way people that are in big law long term take pockets of time out instead of full days/full weekends during a busy time. You HAVE to work from home on the weekends, you’ll go insane if you don’t (if your firm requires face time on weekends, find another big law firm, that is NOT typical and there are far more chill ffirms.
The way I made it work for several years is to get most of your working hours in during the week (don’t try to evenly spread across 7 days you’ll go crazy), put limits on yourself for working on weekends – ex. wake up early and work 4 hrs. Saturday and Sunday morning, grab lunch with a friend, work a few hours, go to a workout class or movie, work another couple hours, then log off for the night – you’ve had healthy breaks but have put in 6-10 hrs on a Saturday/Sunday. Also, if you’re religious (or if they don’t know that you’re not), I always claim religious services on Sunday morning- some days I don’t and some days I went, but as far as they know I go every week. Firms have been sued for messing with religious observance, especially when it’s as minor as a few hours once a week on a weekend so you are unlikely to get pus back.
You have to build in breaks for yourself, but creatively make it seem like you’re working constantly (it’s dumb but that’s the way people make work).
Anon
I think in Big Law they’re paying you to have no life and do nothing but work and sleep. But I don’t think any amount of money is worth sacrificing your health for, which to me includes a reasonable amount of sleep. On weekends I rarely worked between 9 pm and 9 am unless there was a crisis, and I used most of that time to sleep. A 12 hour workday still gives you plenty of time to get stuff done. Are you saying they expect you to work this weekend or they expect you to work basically 24/7 this weekend? The latter is something you push back on, the former is not.
anon
Gently, in BigLaw one 80 hour week is not bad at all. You can ask for time off when you’re billing 350-hour months for multiple months. I say this as someone who has been there and was told I could not attend A WEDDING during such a period. Partners don’t care about your priorities, your family or your plans, sorry. That’s why they pay you (a frankly low, given the expectations) salary and bonus.
Anon
Actually it is a bad week. I’m sorry you were forced to get used to 80 hr weeks as the norm. I’ve worked at two big law firms and working between 9 and 12 hours (usually averaging 10) and a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to wrap stuff up/get ready for the next week was more the norm – so 65 on a normal week and 80+ on heavy weeks. Both still way above 40 hrs which you simply can’t expect. Plus, not all of your work should be “press press type type concentrate concentrate”. I billed numerous due dilgence hours in front of the TV while absentmindely chatting with my SO.
Anon
I worked at an AmLaw 50 firm (so not the biggest of the Big Law but still Big Law) for many years as a litigator and I think I only had 80+ hour weeks a few times, always in trial or the lead up to trial. It definitely wasn’t the norm at my firm. 60-70 was the norm during busy times which was (thankfully) most times. I preferred six 10-12 hour days to five 12-14 hour days, so I typically only took one weekend day “off” but that day was usually truly off and I rarely did work more substantive than responding to email. Like the Anon above, I also did a lot of doc review at home from the couch where I could at least be chatting with my husband and cuddling my dogs.
Anon
If you’re responding to email, it wasn’t “truly off.” Man, that’s a different world.
Anon
It is definitely a different world. I will say that as a childless person (would definitely have been different with kids) it felt very manageable to me to put in long hours six days per week and to have one day per week where I could go anywhere and do anything as long as I had cell phone reception. When I say I responded to email, I really mean that I monitored email that day and would only take time out to respond to urgent things – frequently I did not have to respond to email at all. Unless you’re hospitalized, you can’t really get out of monitoring your email, so to me it did feel like I had one day per week where I wasn’t working, and by working one weekend day, my workdays were shorter so I usually got an appropriate amount of sleep. Like I said, this lifestyle wouldn’t have worked for me when I had a family, but it was not a bad way to spend the ages of 25-34. They pay you an ungodly amount of money for this constant availability and I enjoyed the actual work.
Anon
I’m glad that it worked out for you, but honestly, if you have to go places with cell reception, it’s nowhere near “going anywhere and doing anything” – that would cut out 90% of the things I like to do since I’m outdoorsy. I think it’s on the individual person to know if it will work for them or not, but it’s certainly giving up a lot.
Anonymous
Gotta agree with (most of) the other comments here. You want work-life balance? Then take the trade-off of a smaller firm and lower salary. I’m a partner in small law and don’t work crazy hours, but I make less than a first-year big law associate.
Anon
I’d try to get out as soon as you can and seize Friday night to relax and rest. If something comes in on Fri, you can always ask if this needs to be turned tonight or can you get back to them by Sat lunch? But if the case is busy the work just needs to get done and you are the worker thus, you work.
anon
How much do you want to stay employed or in the good graces of the partners? What will the impact to your team be if you refuse Saturday work? What will weekend work do to your health/family?
I would take the break no matter what if my choices were take the break or chance serious health effects/miss something important for my family. I also quit biglaw in large part because I wanted to prioritize my personal life.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t take the day unless it wouldn’t badly impact my team and I DGAF about staying employed/in the good graces of the partners.
I like the advice about taking pockets of time.
I’m sorry—biglaw sucks. If most of the decent (not just the best—many firms are content to hire average juniors who will put in the hours) juniors refused to go with the unreasonable expectations, I think it could change. One junior will just get fired or pushed out.
anon
Remember that all sh!t rolls uphill. Just because you need time off doesn’t mean the work doesn’t need to be done so it just puts more pressure on everyone else on your team. If it’s really that bad, find another person on the matter your year who you can ask to cover for you for a few hours and then expect to do the same for them. Do not ask the partner because you will either be met with an eye roll and be written off or a no and be written off.
You may think partners don’t want to set healthy boundaries but most do and can’t because of client responsibilities and the need to manage a team to get everything done. Asking to take time off (at the last minute no less!) just means they can’t do what you are asking to do, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that they’d be annoyed.
New everything winter boot
A friend mentioned there’s a new “it” boot for tromping around in New England, esp NYC subways. What is it?
Anonymous
Can you ask your friend?
Anon
Shouldn’t you ask your friend?
Anonymous
And please report back because I’m curious now :)
Anon
NYC isn’t in New England.
anon
I badly need new black and navy tights to wear with work dresses. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I have had terrible luck finding anything that fits right. Target’s, for example, has a crotch that literally didn’t stretch past my knees. Gap/ON also run short, IME. Hue is long enough, but uncomfortably narrow through the hips and thighs. Sizing up didn’t seem to fix the problem; they technically fit, but were really baggy in the knees and ankles.
Help? I’m 5’8″ and wear a 10/12. My hips and thighs are curvy, and length is always an issue. (I’m not THAT tall?!) I’d prefer not to spend more than $20 on a pair, but I will if it’s truly worth it.
Anonymous
I love Uniqlo tights. Especially Heattech for the super cold days.
Panda Bear
Hmmm. My fit issues are different than yours, but I still always had trouble with cheap tights. Last fall I splurged on two pairs from commando – totally worth it. Finally got a good fit, and they looked great all season. Just broke them out earlier this week and they are still going strong.
PolyD
Probably not helpful, because I am shorter and smaller than you, but I’ve found the Kohl’s Vera Wang line to have good tights.
Also, if you do boots, or some types of booties with dresses, you might be able to get away with leggings (like, if your feet don’t show). That will help with length issues.
Anon
But leggings have seems, so even if your feet aren’t showing you can tell that they’re not tights. It’s not a polished look.
PolyD
Maybe I mean footless tights? That would work for sure for knee-high boots.
anon a mouse
I live in the Uniqlo footless heattech tights in the winter, with either ankle boots or high boots.
anonchicago
Similar stats as you. I’ve had good success with Lands End tights. They are also heavy and tend to last several washes.
Velma
I am your height and an 8/10, with freakishly long legs. I buy Hue and size up to size 3 or M/L. I prefer the control top to keep the crotch in place. I wear tights all winter long and don’t have any trouble.
Tights for a Beanpole
I would love to find tights that fit me. 6’2″ and about 150 (0/2).
Editrix
I’m your size and like Spanx Tight End Tights. I also have some very old tights from J. Jill that have held up amazingly well.
Anon
What’s your limit on how much driving you’ll do in a day with an activity during the day? So say you need to go house hunting 3 hours away. Say it’s a 3.5 hour drive there starting at 9 am at the earliest (need to wait it out or until 95 rush hour slows down since this is a weekday trip). You get there at 12:30. You see homes from 12:30-5:30 (small town — no realtor is really willing to do showings outside of the 9-5 timeframe). Then would you drive back from 5:30-9? This would be a day powered by granola bars and whatever else we could have in the car that won’t go bad — as it would build in no time real time for food etc. Husband thinks this is insane — and thinks we should grab a hotel room. He says Option 1: drive down a day early, stay in small town hotel that night, and then actually start appointments there at 9 am, we’d be done by 2-3 pm and home by 5-7 pm. Option 2: make the 3 hour drive on day 1 and see whatever we can see on that day, stay in a hotel, and if we have anything else to see do that on day 2 and then a leisurely drive back on day 2. Or option 3 which is most like a getaway — drive 2.5 hrs to the nearest small city and have some fun/go out to dinner etc, stay in a nice hotel there on night one, then make the 1 hr drive to the small town on day 2, so we’d still start by 9-10 am, see everything by 2-3 pm and home by 5-7 pm.
Which of these is preferable to you? Part of me is like — when we were 22, 7 hours of driving in one day + 5 hrs of activity with minimal food was NBD (LOL – we’re nearing 40). I don’t really want to waste money/time/mental energy re packing to stay at a small town Hampton Inn (it’s not a money issue but ugh – packing; and we know this small town so it’s not like we need time to explore). Option 3 is the only one that seems palatable to me but what does it really save in terms of driving — we’d still be driving 4.5 hrs on day 2 (though still not 7 hours I guess). We’re both working the next day and not being exhausted is a concern.
Please pick one for me as I can’t think about this anymore . . . .
Anonymous
I’d do it one day. You can split the driving by each driving 1.5-2 hours on the way down and back. For reference though, we drive two hours each way to ski all day with our three kids. So no kids and no rigorous phyiscal activity with only a couple extra hours of driving seems fine.
If overnighting, DEFINITELY do it in the town you are thinking of moving to so that you can drive around or walk around a bit in the evening and check out different neighborhoods.
Anon
I would say my max is 5 hours roundtrip in a day. I do this for ski days in the winter and it’s worth it because I get to go skiing, but I’d probably try to stay overnight for something prone to delays like househunting.
Anon
Don’t do the drive to and back in the same day. Other than not doing that, these options sound pretty much the same, just in reverse order. You don’t need us to decide this for you.
My personal driving limit is 5 hours at a time but it varies by person.
Anon
Stay overnight. It will be easier.
Cat
I’d power through with a day trip because IMHO the disruption of packing for 1 night is only like 75% as annoying as packing for a week.
However, as a morning person, not getting home until 9 sounds awful. Can you instead leave super early (like 5:30 or 6am), meet the realtor at 9 or 9:30, and head home at like 2?
Anon
OP here — Yeah that’s my view on packing too which it why it annoys me to stay overnight so close to home. We’re both night people — we’d be MISERABLE if we’ve been up since 5:30 in the morning, as we’re both used to strolling into work at 10. So preference for us would be getting home at 9 pm if we do a daytrip at all.
Anonymous
+1 on hating packing and early mornings
Anon
That’s so strange, I don’t view packing as being that onerous, especially for one night! A change of clothes and a toothbrush is really all you need. Throw it in a backpack and call it good.
Anon
Plus something to sleep in + plus u/w and socks. Honestly just wear a pair of jeans and re-wear them a second day so all you need is a backpack with an extra shirt, u/w, toothbrush/toothpaste, pjs.
LaurenB
Lol on “packing.” That’s 5 minutes max. Toothbrush and toiletries and fresh underwear and a t shirt to sleep in. Done.
Senior Attorney
I’d definitely do Option 1.
Anon
Option 1 or do it all in one day but give yourself enough time to actually eat a meal, or two. You could leave before rush hour, have breakfast when you get there, do your viewings, eat, come back.
Anonymous
I would do option 1 if it is a house hunting trip. I’d want time to check out the area a bit and eat at a local restaurant if I was planing on moving there.
And I don’t understand the complaints about packing. Wear jeans and a top on day 1. Pack a different top, change of underwear, and makeup bag (with a tooth brush, travel sized tooth paste, travel sized face wash and travel sized hair product, travel sized hair brush and any medications tossed in) in a larger purse. Bring a smaller purse for running around in. On day 2, wear the same jeans and shoes and the second top. Use shampoo, hair dryer, etc. supplied by the hotel.
Cat
I’m not saying you have to pack 7 changes of clothes for 1 night — but PJs, change of clothes, toiletries & makeup, device chargers, snacks — all has to be gathered and assembled. It’s not The Most Time Consuming Thing Ever, but the marginal gain of staying 1 night in this hypo is not a big one.
LaurenB
Don’t you all have a permanently packed toiletry bag (perhaps residing in a gym bag) so it’s grab and go? Seriously, tuck in a pair of underwear and a t shirt to sleep in. This is really making a mountain out of a molehill.
Anon
That takes like…10 minutes max.
Anon
I am in my late 30s. I would do a Panera or home cooked breakfast in the morning (eggs, etc.), pack real food in a cooler (fruit, cheese, crackers, hummus), drive up and house hunt, get dinner in town, and drive home.
anon a mouse
For househunting, I would absolutely go the night before. Explore the neighborhoods a little at night and go to a restaurant, get a feel for the area. But more importantly, for such a big decision, you want to be well-rested and be able to focus. I would have a hard time, especially towards the end of the day, keeping my mind focused on the task at hand.
Anon
If the market is at all competitive, you may want to be able to start early. We saw our house at 11 am. Five people had seen it before us and they closed the showings after us because they already had enough offers.
Anon
I would do it all in one day, but with the plan to stop for a real dinner on the way home. I would have breakfast before I left, split up the driving down between the two of us, have a picnic lunch, do the few hours of househunting, and start the drive back. Depending on the route, I would either have dinner before starting the drive (least preferred option) or dinner halfway through the drive.
Anon.
House hunting is exhausting. You’re on your feet or in and out of the car all day. And you need to be on your mental game to identify house issues, negotiate with your spouse, keep the realtor on the right page.
I’d go Option 1 or Option 3.
nutella
I would do option 1 – that way you aren’t anxious about traffic to get there on time, you get to have breakfast, you get to observe the town you are moving to during morning hours, and you get to have some lunch before heading out on the road where you can talk about what you saw and then be back in time for dinner. Save the granola bars for snacks on the drive back, not meals! But I prioritize meals while driving and just granola bars for a whole day would make me so cranky.
Anonymous
Option one. You’re being silly. Packing clean undies a different top and a toothbrush takes no time. Option one means if day one is terrible there’s time to look at more day two.
Anonymous
Good grief. This is HOUSE hunting — this is your future LIFE you’re talking about. This is a **MULTI-THOUSAND DOLLAR DECISION** you need to make. You’re going to have to pack up your **ENTIRE HOUSE** and move it to whatever location you find on a day like this.
Don’t let a temporary little thing like not wanting to pack an overnight bag get in your way. Choose whatever option keeps you rested, sane, and eating well. You have a big, financially important decision to make that’s going to be affecting you every day for years. Set yourself up to make it well.
biglaw sr associate
+1 i like option 3 the best. not having enough sleep and driving 3.5 hours right before looking at houses seems like i’d be exhausted before I even looked at the houses.
Anon
Where is this weird external restraint coming from that you can only eat granola bars. Have you ever heard of a restaurant? How about a grocery store? Do they have those where you are? /s
Anon
Nice attitude. I’m guessing OP expects that with 7 hours of driving + 5 hours of house hunting, they’ll be pressed for time so unless they want to make the day even longer, they’ll be bringing food/eating what they can while driving.
Worry about yourself
OP said she envisions the day being so tightly packed there won’t be time to sit down and have a “real” meal, so granola bars on the go sound like the only feasible option. Don’t be rude.
Anon
You know you can buy food to eat on the go, right? I do not get your problem. You have too much time to waste if you are spending time thinking about this.
Worry about yourself
A 3.5 hour drive? I’m definitely getting a hotel room, driving there and back in one day would be WAY too much, and I’m only 30! Hampton Inns are generally inexpensive, and a pretty good option when you just need a place to crash for the night. You only need one night, stay there either the night before or night after the house hunting, you don’t need to toss too much in an overnight bag, and that tiny amount of time and money is definitely worth preserving your sanity.
Anonymous
Leave at 6:30. Drive for an hour and a half in traffic (lets say you make 50-60 min worth of traffic free progress in that time). Stop at 8 and have breakfast until traffic clears around 9. Drive the remaining 2.5 hours and be there at 11:30. Eat a prepackaged sandwich. See houses. Leave at 4:30. Get home before 8. It leaves you room to stop for a quick bye if you hit traffic you don’t feel like sitting in on the way home.
Anonymous
I hope this isn’t too late. What do you do if the partner in charge of your case instructs you to bill no more than X to something that you know takes way longer than X? I’ve already told the partner that X is not enough time. I’m not sure if partner believes me (I’m the subject matter expert and partner isnt) but in any event they don’t care. The client is way behind on the bill and partner doesn’t want to/can’t write off my time because they’re already getting flak for the bill. Partner is important to my career advancement.
The assignment in question relates to a court appearance; I’m the only one appearing. It’s my duty to the court and the client (and my own career) to prepare for the appearance, so I’m going to have to spend the time I believe is necessary and appropriate. I guess I just won’t bill more than X? If a junior associate asked me this question, I would say bill all your time and partner can write it down if they want. But partner has made it clear that write downs won’t be allowed so that option is off the table. How am I supposed to navigate this in a way that’s fair to the client, partner, and me?
Anonymous
Every now and then I get this nonsense. At my firm of partners are writing off too much time it comes back on them. I just say “I’m going to Bill the amount of time it takes, the same as I do for all my clients.” They can write it off they just don’t want to, and that is not my problem.
Equestrian Attorney
You avoid that partner like the plague. Seriously though, this happens and it’s rough. If it’s just a few hours, that sometimes is the cost of doing business. But if you can bill 5 but are going to spend 50, that’s the sort of thing our group practice manager encourages us to take up with them. My old firm used to do this a lot, and I’m so grateful to now be a place where we are encouraged to bill our actual time and cutting time is highly frowned upon. At some point, if the client can’t afford your services at all, that cost should not be on your employees.
Anon
I would typically bill my time as I spend it and basically “it’s the partner’s problem to write it down.” In this one instance, I might make an exception if the partner was truly important to my career advancement and the time differential wasn’t crazy different, but if it continued past this one assignment I think that needs to be a bigger conversation. It’s the relationship partner’s responsibility to call the client and get them up to date on the bills.
Anonymous
FWIW I briefly worked at a firm that gave me ALL my assignments like this, and expected me to bill MINIMUM 180 hours a week. Without administrative support. I quit.
Anon
You can’t bill 180 hours in a week – there’s only 168 hours in a week. Perhaps you mean in a month?
Anon
PSA since I just had to yell at someone in the ladies room for this. Do NOT talk on your phone in the shared bathroom. It violates other people’s privacy, and it’s so unprofessional and rude as hell!
I hope all the readers here already know this, but if this post keeps one person from doing it, it’s worth it.
Anon
I don’t do this, for the record. But how does it violate other people’s privacy? If you’re the one talking, the only person’s privacy you can be violating is your own.
Anon
I don’t do this, for the record. But how does it violate other people’s privacy? If you’re the one talking, the only person’s privacy you can be violating is your own.
Anonymous
You sound a little nuts. Literally no one cares about the sound of you peeing, least of all the random person on the other end of the line who doesn’t know you and even if they did, doesn’t know it’s you peeing.
Anon
I care. It’s rude. I didn’t give you permission. Can’t we agree to put the phone down once in a while?
Anonymous
That’s weird.
Anonymous
That’s weird. Why would you yell about this?
Anon
I 100% agree. Somebody just did this next to me at an airport bathroom. It is obviously unavoidable that the people physically in the bathroom will hear whatever is going on, but I think it is fair to want the sound of my bodily functions not be in the background that whatever person you are talking to can hear.
Anon
Come on. It’s one thing in an office situation but when someone is running through an airport to catch a flight and has to both pee and take a call during a 20 minute layover, what are they supposed to do? The person on the other end of the phone call has no idea who you are or who is making the sounds. It seems weird to be so upset about it.
Anon
You can wait 2 minutes to pee before making a phone call. It’s not that hard.
In-House in Houston
Can we add don’t talk on the phone while you’re eating? That’s just gross and rude for the person on the phone. Who wants to listen to that? I can’t tell you how many times I see people eat complete meals while talking on their phone. The height of rudeness! Also, why do people think it’s okay to talk on their speaker phone in public? I was in a doctor’s office this week and a woman was in the lobby on her speaker phone. I didn’t want to hear her entire conversation…it was bad enough just listening to her.
Ellen
My ex, Alan, did this. He did not brush his teeth often either, so he often had meals in between his teeth from a week earlier, and his mouth smelled like an open sewer. I would not want to kiss him, tho he was not shy about sticking his mouth and dirty teeth anywhere he wanted. Yuck!
Worry about yourself
I wouldn’t necessarily say it violates my privacy per se, but I really dislike it when someone is chatting on their phone in the bathroom, whether they’re talking while peeing or just decided to use the bathroom as a phone booth. I get wanting privacy but a shared restroom is rarely that private, and I feel like I’m somehow invading that privacy by using the bathroom for what its intended purpose.