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Cb
I love this! If I were ever going to an office again…
Just got word that my evening class for next year (taught April-June) will be online. It’s an adult education class and I love, love, love teaching it and I just think it will really change the dynamic.
Ribena
Oh, then it’s maybe not looking good for the exec education course I was signed up for which is postponed to 2021 either… what a shame.
CB
I know, it’s just an incredible class to teach, more like a ‘politics salon’ then a traditional lecture and discussion. Where else can you bring together an 85 year old independence campaigner and the 18 year old gap year student? I don’t know how you replicate that in an online format.
Alina
Ah that sounds like an awesome class. Well hopefully everyone will be okay with using Zoom/Google Hangout/etc and you can still have those great discussions.
CB
I know, it’s just an incredible class to teach, more like a ‘politics salon’ then a traditional lecture and discussion. Where else can you bring together an 85 year old independence campaigner and the 18 year old gap year student? I don’t know how you replicate that in an online format.
Anonymous
you can’t.
anon
That seems really extreme to me at this point. I’m shocked they’ve already done that when the vaccine is looking promising, and there is recent word that contact spread and asymptomatic spread is rare.
Anon
So, I’m on the more-risk-tolerance side, but even I will say that while although a vaccine looks hopefully promising, I think the reality of it being fully approved & with enough volume manufactured/distributed by April next year to the masses that would make a difference to a class being taught is probably optimistic.
I agree though that regardless, cancelling something a year out with the contact & asymptomatic & other daily developments seems like overkill to me too.
Anon
I’m confused about asymptomatic spread. I thought presymptomatic spread was still an issue, and doesn’t it look identical except in retrospect?
Anon
Yes– some news outlets only reported the part about asymptomatic spread without the part about presymptomatic spread.
Senior Attorney
I’m looking at the WaPo page right now and they have a red banner saying “BREAKING: WHO says earlier statement calling asymptomatic transmission of coronavirus ‘very rare’ was a ‘misunderstanding’.”
So.
Anon
I get it if the general population of the class can vary that much (speaking to the 85 yr old). Until there is a wide-spread used (not just developed) vaccine, community classes will have to take into account the sort of people that enroll. If it’s a class that a lot of retirees take, it is prudent not to endanger that population.
avocado
I have stopped even looking at MMLF and The Fold. I am ordinarily a dress person at work, but dresses just don’t make sense on Zoom. The only work clothes I’ve worn since March are my Going Out blazers. I have no idea when I will wear a work dress again, or how I would get any new purchases tailored. Sigh.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I am really missing my tailor.
Anonymous
I just think this is ridiculous. We should not be cancelling things nearly a year away.
Anon
+1000
Anonymous
On the other hand, it’s NOT cancelled & everyone can adjust their expectations & move forward rather than sitting with uncertainty until the last minute.
Anonymous
There’s plenty of time between June and April next year to make this call without being last minute.
Anon
On the other hand, with us being one of the few western countries with cases consistently rising, more states opening up and fewer and fewer people wearing masks in stupid defiance, I honestly the country will be a *hit show by April. It’s good practice as not that much will change in attitudes in 9 months, at least not until Ma and Pa in bumble nowhere start dying.
anon.
On a positive note – I teach an adjunct class to law students that went virtual last spring for nearly half the semester. I was genuinely worried about the change in dynamic and it ended up being rather seamless and easy, and the students came prepared. Some shared things on their screens they wouldn’t have done if we were in our seminar room. It worked out! Just a note to say it could be better than you think.
Ellen
I think I would like to be a law professor via ZOOM, b/c I would NOT want to have to be in close proximity to COVID carriers, but Dad thinks I have alot of knowlege to impart on WC issues that new student’s will benefit from.
Is there anyone in the hive that knows what law schools teach WC? If it is going to be on Zoom, Dad tells me I am NOT limited to NYC schools, even the crappy ones. So if I can teach anywhere there is Internet Access, please let me know where I can teach. I am not even in it for the money; just the expereince, b/c Dad thinks this will be a great steppeing stone to become a WC JUDGE! That is where I want to be in a few years.
Anon
I’m early along in my pregnancy and I’m trying to figure out how to handle a situation. My parents are having me and my siblings over this weekend at their lake house. No one knows I am pregnant and I don’t plan on announcing until end of July/early August at the earliest. There will be about 10-12 people there, we will be sharing food, and I highly doubt people will be wearing masks or social distancing, though everything will be outdoors. My brother and his family just got back from vacation last weekend in Florida, and I know they have been going to gatherings since things started opening back up a couple of weeks ago. Plus my nieces and nephews are still going to daycare/summer programs. So typically, I wouldn’t care and would probably just go and maybe avoid hugging people, but now that I am pregnant and in the first trimester, my gut tells me I shouldn’t go. I don’t really know what to tell them and I know that this will likely be the first of many get-togethers before my plan to announce. I don’t know how I can just disappear during my first trimester. Telling them early really isn’t an option (I haven’t even had my first ultrasound) and as much as I love my family, none of them can keep a secret to save their life. Also, I live in an area that has several hundred cases. We thought about just asking them to follow CDC recommendations for gatherings but I don’t think that would go over well. I know many of them are fed up with quarantining and see some of the restrictions as overkill.
Anon
You could tell them that you have decided to continue social distancing and following CDC guidelines and rather than imposing that on them, you won’t be going. The pandemic is the perfect excuse to get out of going to all kinds of stuff even if you are not pregnant. Just say you aren’t comfortable with that yet.
If it is a one off thing you are trying to get out of, I recommend claiming food poisoning or a migraine.
Anonymous
Just tell them you’re not feeling well and need to stay home. At least for me, that was entirely true for the first trimester.
Hmmm
Yeah I think I would just tell them I feel sick a couple of days beforehand and cannot make it. I wouldn’t be comfortable with what you described either.
Anon
Would you reconsider and tell them early? I know tradition tells you to not disclose until a certain date, but for me I’m in the camp that telling early only means you have to tell people if you lose the baby. For me, if I lose a baby I’d want my immediate family to know so they can help me through it. So, in these really weird times I think I’d be compelled to share so that they can accommodate my new needs in these COVID times so that I could also see my family.
And, if you’re just not comfortable, I for one won’t push – I understand that it’s a very personal choice.
Another anon
I agree that it might be worth reconsidering telling your family early. I was around 8 weeks pregnant at the start of social distancing/lockdown in my area, and we made the decision to tell close family and friends early. It was hugely reassuring for us, for people to know why we were taking the guidance very seriously, and everyone was very respectful.
We were careful to phrase it as “we’ve been trying to get pregnant and we’ve just had a positive pregnancy test, so we need to be careful”, rather than “hooray we’re expecting!”. We told people individually before we had any contact with them, and then made some wider, more public announcements at a later stage. Of course, I felt a bit nervous telling people so early, but it was much easier than lying and feeling uncomfortable or taking risks. If you really can’t tell people early, then I’d suggest not going to this event and thinking up an excuse.
Anon
Protect yourself. Don’t go. Too many vectors.
FormerlyPhilly
Is there a trusted family member who can help you come up with a reasonable excuse that will be sensible and easy for them to deflect if your whereabouts becomes a topic of discussion? I would just tell them you’re feeling under the weather, but it sounds like there will be so many get-togethers in the coming weeks. Is your workload heavy/big project that will span your first trimester?
What does your partner suggest?
OP
No, unfortunately there isn’t. Even if I told my parents they would definitely tell at least one of my siblings. My husband is uncomfortable going with me being pregnant and thinks we should just keep finding excuses not to attend. I think that’s the only option but I hate the lying. Hopefully when we announce later that they will have another grand baby (which they desperately want), all will be forgiven. However, my family is also one to think my husband and I are prone to overreacting. They took a trip to Brazil a couple of years ago. We politely declined because of Zika concerns our plans to TTC soon. They acted like we were crazy and overreacting.
anon
I’m sorry that your family doesn’t respect your boundaries. I know you hate lying but I think faking food poisoning is the way to go here since even reasonable explanations will be met with scorn. Who knows, you may even experience some morning sickness so it won’t feel like a lie at all. Congrats on the happy news!
Anonymous
Your reasonable excuse is the pandemic. I definitely wouldn’t be going to 12+ people multi day gatherings especially if the kids are all in daycamps. That’s a lot of exposure.
CountC
You don’t need to lie. Say you are continuing to follow CDC guidance and social distancing and therefore won’t be coming.
Senior Attorney
This times a million.
Also I don’t know if it works for you, but I have had good success turning it around: “I live in an area with several hundred cases and I don’t want to put you all at risk.”
Anon
Don’t go if you are feeling uncomfortable with the risk. If you go, you will be nervous and on edge the entire time, without being able to enjoy time with your family. It could end up being just fine, but the end of the day, you and your baby are the ones who will need to deal the effects of the illness if it does spread amongst your family. If you would not otherwise be comfortable getting together with a group this size who has been taking whatever social distancing measures your family members have been taking, then do what feels right to you, guilt-free.
Anne
Don’t go. Just say you can’t make it — it’s fine if they don’t understand.
TrixieRuby
This, and many other socializing situations, are tough ones. If there will be other family situations, your best bet may be to tell them, explain that you are covid-ing to the full extent that you can, and let the chips fall where they may. Do you really need to keep this quiet? Is it for work reasons? Another option is to email them in advance and say that you are covid-ing to the full extent possible, and you will wear a mask, use sanitizer a lot, etc. Bring gloves so as to not share serving utensils. Ask them to help you with that. You cannot ask them to change, but you can explain what you plan/want to do and ask them to respect that. Your third option is to “be sick” and not go, and get further along in your pregnancy before the next event; by then you may be comfortable telling them. Try to stay outdoors, bring wipes and sanitizer, wear a good quality mask that protects you, and carry on. good luck
Cat
Options I see:
1 – Partial honesty. Tell them they can tease you if they want but you’re still not comfortable gathering in close groups. This of course will be easiest to keep straight and would give you longer ‘cover’ not to get together… but the hardest to actually say of course.
2 – white lies – maybe a neighbor or coworker tested positive and you are self isolating just in case? You have a GI bug and would be uncomfortable in the car? Problem is you have to keep coming up with excuses and 7-8 weeks is a long way to go if your family typically gets together several times a summer…
(and congrats!)
Clementine
I would fake food poisoning. “I don’t know – i got takeout and… I just don’t feel right. I know I’m probably being too careful, but I’m just gonna lay low at home.”
AnonATL
I think you have 3 main options: Don’t go and say you are uncomfortable with the risk and leave it at that. Go, but be super clear you are still following social distancing rules (don’t allow hugging, wear a mask, the whole thing) but don’t explain why and people will just assume you are being paranoid. Tell a few people why, risk the news spreading, but possibly increase how thoughtful people are about respecting your boundaries.
My gut would say just don’t go. It does sound risky based on the situation you described. I would feel differently if all your family had been following social distancing guidelines but with small kids and recently traveled families, the risk sounds high. I am in my third trimester, so it’s a little different for me, but we have started spending time with family lately only because they are respectful of my boundaries and following similar safety measures. We will go into pre-delivery quarantine again soon since I am being tested before labor.
In a couple months when you are ready to share the news, either people will be like oh that’s why she was being so weird or they will have completely forgotten about it. It won’t be the last time you have to be coy about something early in your pregnancy.
P.S. Congrats on the happy news! Best wishes for a smooth and happy pregnancy.
Anon
Don’t go. It sucks, doesn’t it, to suddenly be experiencing what high risk people have had to deal with all along? There’s no more “social distancing is over!” in your future.
On the bright side, there have been some promising reports about the risks of negative outcomes from coronavirus during pregnancy not being as high as previously believed. While I would still personally be very cautious and go with your gut, especially in the first trimester, things would likely be OK even if you were to get the virus. Prevention is your best bet, though. Congrats on your pregnancy!
Anonymous
Wow this is really unnecessarily mean.
Anonymous
Agreed.
Anonymous
The problem is that there’s preliminary research showing that, although pregnant women themselves might not be at high risk, there might be a risk of damage to the placenta. That’s definitely not a risk I’d be willing to take, especially in the first trimester. OP should talk to her OB about what precautions she should be taking right now.
Anon
I agree. That’s why I said to err on the side of caution and focus on prevention.
Anonymous
You’ve already agreed to go and it is this weekend so I don’t think just making an excuse is going to fly. Tell your mom you’re pregnant and aren’t comfortable going if that’s the choice you’re making for your pregnancy. Don’t blame anyone else for not being distant enough.
Anon
Don’t go. Would you be comfortable saying you are trying to get pregnant and so need to be cautious at this time and so are avoiding group gatherings?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be going to this and I’m not pregnant. There’s a pandemic right now. Done.
I wouldn’t go either
Not pregnant and I wouldn’t go either.
Your family thinks Zika is nbd for someone TTC. Don’t let them override your very real concern that you should not be hanging out with them.
Anon
THIS! I know we all want it to be over but it is not. Cases are rising despite what the media says. Talk to your friends that work in the medical field.
Never too many shoes...
Hundo p.
Anon
+1000. Why were you ever planning to go to this party, especially when you know social distancing has been poor all along in some of your family?
Anonymous
Yep. You are an adult. Just tell your family the truth–you don’t feel this gathering is safe. You don’t need to mention the pregnancy because the weekend is a terrible idea even for people who aren’t pregnant.
Anon
+1000. This is not a good idea right now, pregnancy or no pregnancy! I know things are opening back up but this is just asking for trouble.
Anon
The one thing about the post-COVID world that I hope everyone agrees on is that if anyone has so much as even a sniffle they should not be around other people until they are 100%, which can take 2 weeks at times…. So it’s probably not inconceivable between you and your husband that one of you is “sick” for the next several weeks, trading off who.
It will feel weird, but honestly I think as time goes on post COVID we will all be experiencing a much higher rate of people cancelling on us and us on them when any mild sickness happens, even when everything is open. When before we would have powered through the same level of symptoms. I actually think this is going to be one of the harder/weirder things to adjust to. (But obviously with the positive offset that maybe we all get each other sick less even if it’s just a cold or flu?)
American Girl
There are cultures in the world where absenting yourself from in-person contact with others when you’re feeling ill is considered considerate, even pre-COVID!
Anon
I mean, that sounds nice. But there will be some really tough calls here.
Say it’s a year from now, everything is under control but we don’t have a vaccine. You and your family are booked on a plane ride to visit family you haven’t seen in forever & the plane tickets were $1,000s of dollars.
You wake up the morning of the plane ride with a 99 degree fever.
What do you do? Obviously pre-COVID you would have gone anyway. Post COVID… you…probably shouldn’t? But even the best airline insurance policy isn’t going to reimburse you for those $1,000s of dollars b/c you have a 99 degree fever (or maybe they will now? I don’t know). Are we all going to be taking a huge financial risk anytime we book anything like this?
And many other scenarios like this I’m sure I haven’t even thought of.
Anon
This was kind of rambling. I guess my main point was, pre-COVID, I would not have blamed someone or necessarily thought of them being inconsiderate in that scenario for getting on that plane ride.
Everything was just not as simple as just not going to a social engagement when you are ill.
Anon
Just throwing out there but 99 is generally not considered a fever, cutoff is 100.4.
Anon
Fair. I was just trying to come up with an example of pre-COVID you getting on a plane would not be considered rude, even if you were very mildly ill. Most I think would understand why & have probably been in a similar scenario at some point in their lives.
Anon
That’s a really hard metric for those of us with chronic illnesses though. I have asthma, allergies and crohns disease. I’m always playing the game of am I sick or is it one of my chronic problems? Pre-pandemic I wouldn’t go out in public if I had a fever or was vomiting. I’d still go out with a cough, sore throat, sneeze or diarrhea because that’s just my life.
Anon
i would not feel comfortable going right now even if i wasn’t pregnant. do not go. you will be anxious the whole time, not enjoy it. you say this is the first of many get togethers before your plan to announce – so i think you have four options – (1) announce early and blame it on your doctor, (2) tell them you are trying and blame it on your doctor, (3) tell them that you just aren’t comfortable with the level of risk exposure in gatherings like this until the case count goes down (they might say you are being ridiculous, etc. but you are entitled to your opinion, just like they are entitled to theirs) or (4) come up with an excuse every time there is a get together. I would probably do #3, but I don’t really have a problem holding my own with my family, though if DH was the one making the decision for us in this case, he would probably want to go with #1 or #2 because he has trouble being firm with his family
Anon
Just tell them that you are not as comfortable with “life as normal” as they are. “We thought about it, mom and dad, and we’ve decided to continue social distancing. We’ll talk about this more as we see the trajectory of the pandemic.”
The original Scarlett
I’ll be an outlier with the caveat that this is what I would do and YMMV – I’d go and I’d prioritize going now v later as we are much closer in time to people staying home and being less exposed than we will be in a few months. The pandemic and sudden inability to see those close to me makes me really appreciate and want to make sure to attend gatherings with those important to me. I also don’t really get keeping pregnancy a secret, but I’m in the camp of sharing the good and the bad. A lake house means you’ll be outside, and unless it’s in an active hot spot, your risk probably is pretty low. I’m personally up for minimizing unnecessary risk, but I don’t put quality time with my family in that bucket.
Anpn
I don’t think this applies given that her brother and his family just got back from vacation in Florida.
Lana Del Raygun
Just say you don’t feel comfortable attending because of covid. That’s well within the normal range of risk tolerance, even if you weren’t pregnant. Congratulations!
Anonymous
High fevers in the first trimester always pose a risk to the fetus. I got a mild flu in my first trimester with my son and my doctor was very intent on keeping the fever managed. Since one of the principle symptoms of Covid is a fever that can be high and/or prolonged, if I were newly pregnant right now I would be taking a lot of steps to avoid getting Covid.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to this either, and I also believe strongly in trusting your gut. You’ve gotten great advice on how to handle from others, just want to add my support for you not attending the gathering.
HousecounseI
I’d just lie. Food poisoning. You can all laugh about it later. Also, congrats!
Marie
It seems like you have gotten as close to a consensus as possible around here, so I will not repeat what others have already said in support of your not attending. However, from your original message and a few follow-up comments you have responded with, I will note that the most important and simple reason I can see that supports you not going is that both you and your husband do not feel comfortable going. In my mind, that is the end of the analysis as to whether to go.
As to how to tell your family of this decision, they may complain or push back, but at the end of the day, they are your family and will still love you, even if they are disappointed. You do not need to convince them your decision is the right one, but merely communicate it to them within a reasonable time. They fill find a way to deal with it, particularly if you do not leave any room for negotiation.
Ribena
I love this! Wish MM LaFleur shipped to the UK.
Anon
After being with my partner for four years, we split at the beginning of this year. It was absolutely devastating for me and I’m being treated for depression.
My supposed-to-be wedding date is coming up soon and I’m not sure what to do on that day. I had the date picked out for years for particularly meaningful reasons. I’m up and down (mainly down) as far as getting over the breakup, but this situation really stings. My original plan was to distract myself by making the day about something else – I was going to travel to NY and go to a broadway show, but with COVID, that isn’t an option anymore. I don’t have many friends, and the one friend I have in my city is busy that day with a family birthday. My own family is too far away to see right now. Any ideas for something to do on my (no longer) wedding day?
Anonie
I am so, so sorry. Could you book a spa day (if spas are back open in your county) and then order takeout at your favorite nice restaurant?
Anonymous
Are you near beaches or lakes or rivers? I find water restorative.
Anonymous
Please disregard this if it isn’t helpful, but what if you just accept that is going to be a hard day and give yourself permission to just survive it? For me, particularly when I am depressed, the responsibility to “have fun” (or even enjoy life) is almost more harmful than helpful. Especially given all the limitations on what you can do right now, maybe just give yourself permission to just get through the day and count that as a victory. You could make a plan/schedule that includes some easy things that are good for your mental health, like taking a walk, scheduling a short phone call with someone you care about (family, maybe your good friend could make time for a 30 minute call or zoom), watching a show you like, doing a craft project or cooking or something creative, reading, as well as chores, etc. Just fill the time and get through it without the onus of making it a good day.
Cat
This is how I feel, too — let yourself grieve on the day rather than trying to bury it. I’m not sure how you were organizing your wedding prep materials, but maybe that’s the day to purge? Cathartic?
Anon
This is my vote. I find that giving myself permission to marinate in misery for a set period of time works better than trying to fight it off over and over again. Allow myself to stew in my rage, vent, cry, scream, whatever it takes, but it has to stop by midnight.
IME, distracting myself just leads to bad decisions. One year on the anniversary of a loved one’s death I forced myself to declutter, and I was so cranked up that I disposed of some things that my calm, regular self would have wanted to keep. I still regret losing those items.
Anon
I would personally probably go on a long, solo hike.
Never too many shoes...
I honestly love how differently people approach things.
For me, a long time alone in the quiet with nothing but my thoughts would be the absolute worst. I would hunker down with junk food, nail polish and all the sad/happy ending romcoms and just cry it out.
Anon
OP here…it feels like that’s what I’ve been doing all year ha
Never too many shoes...
I am so sorry. Ordinarily, my advice would have been a weekend trip but that was in a non-covid life…
Anon
+1. Long solo hike, solo ocean swim, backpacking trip, river trip…all of those are so good.
APL sneakers
Can anyone comment on the fit of APL sneakers? I am considering splurging on a pair of Techloom Waves since the only times I wear shoes now are to walk the dog (2 – 4 miles) and get curbside pickup. I am a bit concerned about the unisex sizing, as I have a narrow heel and the weird combination of a low-volume foot and high arches. Do the laces tighten the width adequately without squishing the top of your foot? Is the sizing consistent with other running shoes (size up 1/2 size from street shoes)? How does the fit compare to other athletic shoe brands? I typically wear Mizuno for actual running and Nike for other workouts.
Anon
I don’t get the appeal. $245 sneakers to walk the dog? TBH, they look like something you’d get at Target for knocking around the house, but the ones at Target are only $15.
Anonymous
I took a 7.5 instead of my normal 8. I have worn them for exercise once or twice but they are so unmemorable i can’t even answer your fit questions. I just wear them around on errands and they are fine.
kk
I wear a 9 in most shoes, a 9.5 in kick around sneakers, and a 10 in running shoes. I bought the APL techloom phantom in 9.5 and they were fine enough with similar feet (not low volume but narrow heel and high arches) – if I wanted to wear them to run, I’d have sized up to a 10.
I ended up selling mine on poshmark after wearing them a few times- something about the rose gold color didn’t translate well IRL- they were about the color/texture of an ace bandage. That, together with the shape of the phantom, made them look very “old lady cruise ship comfort shoe” on me. If I were to do it over again, I’d get the breeze style instead.
Ribena
I have a similarly shaped foot to you, by the sound of it, and my daily run-around sneakers are New Balance 373s or a pair of Skechers with memory foam in.
OP
You all are convincing me that I don’t want these sneakers! Definitely not going for ace bandage old lady cruise ship vibe. Thanks.
aBr
Honestly, I’d get the woven shoes from actual running brands over APL. I’ve done both and the APL shoes are pretty meh. When they initially came out around $100, I was all for them but at current prices its not worth it. Also, you can generally stalk them at Saks and they go on pretty steep discount since Saks is not where you think of to buy athletic shoes (unless you are counting on their commitment to immediately ship your purchases).
OP
The reason I was interested in the APLs was the slip-on style with adjustable stretchy laces. I haven’t seen anything similar other than Skechers. Any suggestions?
anon
I have some vionics that are similar to that (this pair: https://www.vionicshoes.com/pismo-casual-sneaker.html?76=667) and they have other styles as well.
kk
I dont mean to dissuade you from APL in general- just from the phantom style in rose gold! The Breeze are cute- I’d get them in white or navy.
JuniorMinion
What about some of these? Looks like they’ve got some slip on styles. I’m eyeing them as I am also no longer wearing real shoes…
https://www.keds.com/en/studio/
AZCPA
I have total duck feet (wide ball, narrow heel) riddled with issues (have had bunion surge and was a ballet dancer). APL are the only things that work for me as an athletic shoe. But, I don’t think I’d buy if it wasn’t for working out – don’t need that level of support for a short walk.
Anon
In my office, we are getting pressured to come back the workaholics who rely on the office for their social life. I’m mostly just looking to vent because I don’t feel that it’s my job to provide companionship to my superiors, but the two workaholics are all very eager to “get us together again” and “relieve loneliness we’re all experiencing.” Loneliness is real and I feel bad for people who are experiencing that, but why should I put myself at risk for people who do not have well-developed lives outside of work? I am not experiencing the same loneliness and I need to protect my own health (and boundaries). Ugh. I’d work from home forever.
Anonymous
I assume you’ve asked for permission to keep on working from home?
Anon
Yep. I may be able to get a brief extension but the clear message is we’re all returning, come hell or high water.
Anonymous
Yeah just ignore that. But maybe also be a little compassionate.
anon
She acknowledged that people are experiencing loneliness and she feels bad for them. Wanting to protect her health and boundaries isn’t a lack of compassion.
Anonymous
She described them as workaholics who lack well developed lives. Didn’t read as compassionate to me.
Anon
I mean yeah, maybe I didn’t write it in the most compassionate way possible, but the truth is that these two supervisors in charge of the office return live to work. They don’t take vacations, they don’t appear to have many friends, and I’ve only heard one of them ever mention a hobby (running). Our office is friendly and social, which is nice, but it’s not worth it to me to rush back for that aspect when I have enough friends and interests on my own. I also don’t think it’s fair for them to push it on us when most people are really concerned about safety (or lack thereof) in our open office. They’re not even hearing us when we point out the problems we’re seeing that need to be addressed because they’re so desperate to return.
Anon
But ummm…those people do exist. People who devote their entire lives to work, and they want to drag everyone else along with them. I work with some of them. They describe the company as “family”, talk often about working nights and weekends, etc. It’s not a lack of compassion. Some companies have work cultures that are all consuming. It’s ok to describe it for what it is.
anon
Eh, she did make that comment, but the rest of her post is pretty condescending. No one is saying that she’s not compassionate because she wants to protect her health, which she has every right to do, it’s likely based on the fact that she called these people workaholics and said that they do not have well developed lives outside of work/rely on their coworkers for their social lives.
Anon
+1
Anon
Shrug. Not having a personal life is sad. I see no need to defend or celebrate it.
Anon
That’s a huge assumption you/she are making about the coworkers.
Anon
And? She shouldn’t have to take a risk she’s not comfortable with to help them be less lonely at the office.
anon
No one’s asking you to defend or celebrate it. Just point out that OP’s being condescending. I reiterate, no one is saying that she has to put her health at risk to keep them company. Truly can’t understand why you’re insisting on misreading what people are writing.
anon
Some of us clearly don’t find it condescending, which you seem to be insistent on misreading.
Anon
I don’t have solutions to that, but I’m empathetic. The people I know personally advocating for a return to the office (who aren’t parents – I think we all understand that the challenges parents are facing trying to do both childcare and work are in an impossible place temporarily) are all extroverts who don’t seem to understand that many introverts feel the same way about “in the office as usual” that the extroverts feel about work from home.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Except you presumably signed up for working in an office and none of the extroverts signed up for wfh. I’m not sure how it’s ok to exploit legitimate public concerns so that you can force everyone into the work arrangement that you personally prefer but didn’t bargain for. And I’m not sure how your anxiety about going back is legitimate but my depression about staying home indefinitely isn’t.
I get that people have legitimate health concerns about going back to work but anxiety because you’re an introvert by nature isn’t one of them.
Anon
Because us going back to assuage your anxiety increases my risk of COVID. Your depression when you’re staying home is something that should be taken seriously, but there is no increased risk of COVID. It’s not just that “introverts wanna introvert,” but that we’re less eager to “extrovert” than ever because of the risk of disease as well. It’s already exhausting dealing with all the office gossip and politics and small talk – now I have to do it while wearing a stifling mask all day too?
anon
+ a million
Anon
Again, you signed up to work in an office. You don’t get to use this situation as an excuse to completely renegotiate having to be in the office and all that comes with that. If you have a legitimate health concern that’s one thing but it sounds like you just wish your job was WFH even if there was a vaccine tomorrow. I don’t think it’s helpful to the public health efforts to press for WFH just because you want it. It makes it easier for offices to ignore legitimate concerns about public health if they can pretend everyone pressing for wfh just doesn’t like the office.
Anon
It’s not about “not liking” the office. It’s about not wanting to bow down to absurd pressure to return ASAP even though cases and hospitalizations are increasing and everyone has stopped social distancing. Why on earth should we put ourselves through that when we have a safe alternative at home? You are being obtuse.
anon
My point still stands, if you make this about you not liking the office in general, you aren’t doing anything to further your cause. Focus on the health risks and only the health risks (which Ano at 12:44’s post did but almost no one else complaining on this thread did). Statements like “It’s already exhausting dealing with all the office gossip and politics and small talk – now I have to do it while wearing a stifling mask all day too?” doesn’t sound like someone concerned about health risks, just someone who doesn’t want to be around people.
Anon
Anon “you signed up to work in an office” is BS. No one signed up to work in an office during a pandemic. It’s completely reasonable and expected that one would want to renegotiate that under the current circumstances. Your comment doesn’t take context into account.
anon
Anon at 1:21 did you read the rest of my comment? No, this is not an excuse to decide you want your job to be permanent WFH. It is perfectly reasonable to voice concerns about public health and make your job WFH until those concerns are addressed but that is not what previous posters were saying.
Anon
Omg no one is saying they want permanent WFH. “I’d work from home forever” in the OP’s post did not sound literal to me, but you won’t let it go instead of acknowledging that we did not sign up to WFH during a pandemic and that it is not our obligation to prioritize extroverts’ mental health instead of our own physical health.
Anon
I was just trying to be helpful for people who are legitimately trying to convince offices to slow their return to work policies. I’m not the one deciding whether you have to go back to the office, I’m not sure why you are so invested in arguing with me. My whole point is if you want to get the outcome you are looking for it’s probably better to stop whining about extroverts and focus on facts. My office has already decided to stay closed through Labor Day and voluntary WFH through the end of the year. I’ve been a part of a lot of conversations to guide those policies so can tell you that any argument about how unreasonable the extroverts are for wanting to go back isn’t going to get traction. At least in my organization most of the decision makers are extroverts. And insulting the decision maker rarely gets you the result you want. Good luck.
anon
Oh man I could’ve written this. Could you say that the negative effects of increased anxiety outweigh any benefits you may derive from the togetherness? And that for the sake of your mental health and subsequent productivity, WFH is the far better option for you right now? Is there anyone else in your household whose health you could invoke as a reason to stay home?
Anonymous
If working from home is permitted id skip all this and just say “miss you too but staying home for now.”
Anonymous
sounds like you just want to work from home. lots of jobs allow that, yours just might not be one of them.
Anon
Yes, I do want to work from home in an epidemic. That’s not a “gotcha”.
MagicUnicorn
Could you try the “Assuming I am an asymptomatic carrier, what is the protocol for ensuring I don’t spread it to the rest of you?” strategy? When I asked that back in April, my boss freaked out and extended our WFH indefinitely.
Anon
So– I felt the same way as you when our office announced it was reopening. But, as it got closer to the reopening date, I got more excited about going in, and on our first day, everyone was so excited to be here that it felt like the first day of school. Going in may not be as bad as you think.
Anon
It’s not very exciting to think about going back and wearing a mask for 8 hours straight and not meeting in person and being paranoid about hand sanitizer. I’d feel differently if the pandemic were actually over.
Anonymous
It might feel good if you can ignore the fact that it’s still during a pandemic. For some the energy of being in a group doesn’t outweigh their risk calculations. “C’mon, it’s fun” is kind of missing the point of whether it’s necessary/safe/best practice … I’m in a hotspot but the next hotspot could crop up anywhere.
Anon
Your optimism is cute but no, this will not be fun or exciting for many of us.
Anon
No, we’re not excited about having to avoid our at-risk family members indefinitely so companies can enjoy butts in seats.
Anonymous
My bosses also want me back in the office. To get to the office, I have to take public transport for 40 minutes one way, and 50 going back. I managed to get permission to work from home the rest of this week, but they will “reassess” at the end of the week. If I could teleport to my office with the door shut, I’d be a lot less cranky about them deciding that the job I’ve been doing to a greater productivity for the last two months needs to be done in the office again the minute its allowed.
anon
Diet-fitness question: I’m trying to lose my very last 5 lbs. I’m on the edge of visible abs and am really excited to get them. I also love working out and eating healthy. I’m vegetarian, generally eat super healthy, and work out ~60-80 min daily (running, lifting, HIIT) I think I’ve hit a bit of a plateau both in terms of fitness and weight/aesthetics and need to figure out how to break through (for example, my go-to run is a ~8 mile loop 2x week and I do the same run every time. I know I shouldn’t. What are some suggestions for busting through this plateau?
Anonymous
More protein and less carbs
anon
Most Americans already eat way too much protein (including vegetarians). Recommend increasing vegetable intake. This will generally have the effect of lowering your caloric intake (which is how you lose weight) without thinking too hard about it. Most people have a hard time eating an excessive amount of broccoli or green beans or peppers.
Pink
+1 well said. Also, if you haven’t already OP, you probably need to cut out all alcohol. That’s what it takes for me to lose the last 5.
anon
+2
Walnut
“excessive amount of broccoli”
I *love* broccoli. I’ve cleared an entire sheet pan a time or two…or three.
Anon
Haha! The comment was meant a bit more tongue in cheek but honestly even an entire sheet pan or two of broccoli is probably like 1/2 the calories of a lot of “healthy” meals that aim to get “enough protein”. Two entire bags of broccoli (marketed as feeding 8) comes out to only 200 calories! #teamveggies
anon
I will admit to doing that too (though also I add oil when I roast them, so it’s got more calories than just the broccoli….). No regrets!
BeenThatGuy
Sounds like you are right at the cusp of being where you want to be. My only suggestion is more intervals and heavier lifting.
Anon
Congrats! I’m the poster from below asking about getting started: you’re where I hope to be in a few months! I’m a former athlete who has fallen way off the horse.
I’d definitely recommend intervals, like turning your normal run into a fartlek, incorporating a day of speed work, etc.
Lily
I’m sorry but the word fartlek is just too much. I’m laughing.
Vicky Austin
Taking this moment to tell you all about my favorite way in which Scandinavian languages can be unexpectedly inappropriate to English-speaking ears! In Swedish, you can say quite seriously, “It’s not the fart that kills, but the smell,” since ‘fart’ means speed and ‘smäll’ (pronounced about like smell) means impact.
anon
I love this thread. Thank you all for the giggles this morning!
Lily
Hahaha love it! My father in law in Swedish, I will have to try this out on him next time I see him.
Ribena
Grocery shopping in Germany as an English speaker was hilarious too – Dickmilch is a standard dairy product, for example.
anon
Ha, I’m Swedish and I’ve never thought of this, but can confirm this is accurate.
When I visited Sweden with my American friends they giggled and took photos of the “Farthinder” road sign (it means speed bump). Even better, the picture on the sign kind of looks like two b*tt cheeks.
Yes, I have the humor of a 12 year old boy, but it makes me laugh.
Anon
A thought, but how much of that 5 pounds could be bloat and water weight? I agree with more veggies to up your fiber intake. Gut health is key! I personally am also really sensitive to salt. I’d venture to say now is your time to pay attention to how your body reacts to certain foods. +1 on the drinking alc too, or at least changing what you drink.
Daffodil
Any recommendations for puppy training in the DC area? I know it may need to be online these days, but the two recs from my vet are all booked. Thanks!
Anon
I’m getting a dog in the DC area too! These are hard, weird times and the extrovert in me wishes we could train our pups together. Someone in my neighborhood recommended Happy Paws!
j
I have the opposite and a recommendation that you avoid Side Walk Dog Training. We used them with our then-puppy several years ago and learned later that those methods are super suspect and even were harmful to our pup (who is more anxious than your average dog anyway, which definitely didn’t help). I still feel guilty for the time that we used those methods. Not an in-person rec, but I really liked The Other End of the Leash by Patricia McConnell, which was a recommendation from our vet.
And unsolicited, but I definitely recommend City Paws for your vet – they are thoughtful and kind and have provided great care to our guy for lots of issues over the years.
Anonymous
I used Old Towne School for Dogs in Alexandria
City chick
We’ve been doing puppy kindergarten with our goldendoodle at Your Dog’s Friend (based on Rockville) and it’s been useful. It’s all positive reinforcement based. https://yourdogsfriend.org/online-classes-2/ The classes are over Zoom and they have a lot of sessions, and you can start on a rolling basis. Class size is limited so the instructor and her assistants can go into breakout rooms and provide direct feedback on you and your pup while you’re doing training exercises. It’s working much better than I anticipated!
For the pre-COVID situation, a friend also recommended Dog Latin (no virtual classes but they will do private sessions, have some puppy socials going on still) and Puptagon (no virtual classes, you can have your dog spend time with a trainer but it seemed like I couldn’t be there so wouldn’t be that useful, they are doing puppy socials).
I found “The Art of Raising a Puppy” to be a helpful foundation for thinking about training approaches and basic care. Puppy 101 on Reddit has good info. There is a lot on DC Urban Moms, but I had to cut myself off because some people seem overly cautious. For example, I am trying to figure out how to socialize and exercise the puppy before he has all of his vaccinations, and some posters said to not let the puppy in your private backyard unless you’ve lived there for 10+ years, as other non-vaccinated dogs may have used the yard before.
I’m also a new puppy owner in DC, so any recs would be great. Am particularly concerned about the grooming situation for a goldendoodle and whether it’s feasible to do some maintenance on my own. And when the pup is an adult, it seems like I should skip the dog parks in the Dupont/ Shaw area as there are a lot of incidents with other dogs?
Anon
We got the Johnny Was masks for my mom and MIL for mother’s day (the floral print ones). Looking to get the dads some stylish masks too. They Johnny Was neutrals could work. Has anyone found some fancy male masks?
Anon
check yesterday because someone posted some that htey were getting for their dad for fathers day
Anon
Thanks!
Anon
I got the Johnny Was neutral (or whatever they are called) masks for my husband and dad for father’s day. They’re good… I would note though that 2 of the 5 in the packs sent to us are a (masculine, muted) flower print, and my husband did make a comment about not wearing those (I think a dude could totally get away with wearing them, but I also predicted when I saw them that is how my husband would feel) – but the other 3 are plain &/or a simple, manly looking patterns. And I can always wear the 2 flowery ones. Or I can definitely see a scenario as we go out and about more and we all realize how many we need that he starts wearing the flower ones anyway :)
Anonymous
I posted yesterday that my husband had gotten a mask from the company Proper Cloth and is very happy with it. My husband is a suit loving, more conservative dresser, and this was the first mask he’s seen that is just a well made, nice looking reusable cloth mask. Proper Cloth is a dress shirt company, so the masks are made out of dress shirt material. I ordered some to give my dad and my FIL for Father’s Day.
anon
I think the Athleta masks are good for men. I got some for myself and then ordered a second set for my husband.
Anon
I also wanted to chime in w/ experience accidentally washing and drying the Johnny Was silk mask. I obviously intend to wash them but I was going to hang them to dry which is what I think the instructions said. I accidentally left one in my pocket and it went through the wash. The material lost a lot of its shine but it was not ruined. It shrunk about a half inch across. Bonus, no gap now. I don’t intend to intentionally dry the others though.
HousecounseI
I accidentally dried mine, too. Agree that the sheen is gone but otherwise they’re fine.
Senior Attorney
My husband got the Johnny Was neutrals and he loves them.
Also, this morning:
Me: “Masks are the new neckties.”
Him: “No, masks are the new pocket squares.”
Senior Attorney
Also, this just in: https://www.beautiesltd.com/collections/cool-beau-combos
Anon
Those are awesome. I sent them to an attorney I know that wears bow ties.
Anonymous
Check out Tie Bar
Anon
The COVID-15 was real, and I’m in desperate need to lose that weight (nothing fits!). Things at work are finally slowing down, so I once again have time to cook and exercise.
I’ll ease back into working out with the goal of 2-3 runs and 2-3 strength workouts a week (will likely double up so only 4-5 workouts a week).
As for diet, I think I need a hard reset. I’ve just eaten total crap for the last 3 months. I bought a food scale a few weeks ago, so I can actually measure portion sizes and I track food on my Fitbit app. I don’t have any dietary restrictions, but when I get hungry, I eat terribly; I need to stay ahead of the hunger!
What meal plan / “diet” / lifestyle changes have worked for you? Not interested in IF because I get shaky if I go too long without eating.
I prefer to eat vegetarian/pescatarian like 80% of the time, but I’m flexible on that right now (haven’t been doing that at all recently).
I’m on call for a week staring today so figured it’d be a good time for a “reset”
anon
I force myself to snack exclusively on fruits and veggies. If I’m not hungry enough for fruit/veg, then I’m not actually hungry — just bored.
Anon
+1 but I would add some sort of nut in there as an option too.
Anon
Nuts can have lots of calories though. For me they’re not good for mindless snacking.
anon
+1 also serving sizes for nuts are like shockingly small. After measuring out a proper serving of nuts and realizing it was about 1/3 the size serving I usually grabbed as a quick snack, I decided no more nuts for snacks for me. It’s easier for me to just avoid nut snacking entirely.
Anon
I get shaky when I am hungry and struggle to make good meals.
The only thing that works is to keep a LOT of healthy snacks around. So when I start to get really hungry and shaky, I’ll get a banana, then put together a tray of cashews, apple slices, a small wedge of cheese, and crackers, or will do hummus, crackers, and nuts. After I eat that, I’m much more able to make a real meal, and it’s not so filling or so many calories that I can’t have a real meal.
Anon
Is your blood sugar control good? I only get shaky if my blood sugar is unstable.
Anon
Chronically low.
Anon
Got it. I have reactive hypoglycemia which is easier to manage than a lot of conditions (basically, just never eat sugar/carbs again…). But insulinomas, glycogen storage diseases, and autonomic neuropathy were all also discussed. It may be worth seeing a specialist someday, since my impression was that my PCP hadn’t even heard of a lot of the potential causes for hypoglycemia when my PCP was managing this with me (she had me take Metformin which actually made my hypos a lot worse for a while).
Anon
I was told to always pair my sugars/carbs with proteins to avoid the crash you are describing.
Vicky Austin
I am struggling too! At the beginning of the year, I stole an idea from someone else here who said she tried to eat leafy greens, a serving of berries, and a red or orange vegetable every day. At a minimum, those are some important nutrients you’re covering; if you throw in another serving each of vegetables and fruit you’ve hit your five. It’s straightforward and not punitive, both of which help me immensely. I’m trying to get back on that wagon right now.
Ribena
Oh I like this idea! Although you could replace berries with bananas too, I imagine.
anonshmanon
and I’d swap the leafy green for a cruciferous a few times a week, per my preference. But +100 on the overall concept. Focus on eating enough of the good things.
Anonymous
Weight Watchers works for me. I don’t buy their branded food or do aspartame/artificial sweetner products. The point system drives you towards lots of vegetables, fruits, and healthy protein sources like eggs and fish.
Anon
I just can’t have crap in the house. I talk a good game when I’m full and satisfied, but when I’m working and get distracted, suddenly my stomach is a raging monster that needs food NOW. I will tear through everything in my path. I just refuse to keep chips, soda, ice cream, and candy on my property at all. Cute little pre-portioned baggies and snack-sized anything are a fool’s game, IMO. I know my limits, and the only thing that will stop me is having to drive to get the junk.
Anon
+1 it’s all or nothing. Moderation is a bust.
Anon
+1, IME the best and easiest place to practice discipline is at the grocery store. If it’s not in your house, it’s a lot harder to mindlessly eat something.
Anonymous
I find snacks high in protein rather than fruit help. I buy string cheese, cottage cheese and some protein bars and rotate through them.
HousecounseI
I had to get used to the idea of meal prep, which I hate. But this morning, I poached chicken in my Instant Pot. I roasted butternut squash, tofu, asparagus and broccoli and will store them all separately in glass containers in the fridge. I keep arugula and canned beans and a variety of grains around so I can always throw together a grain bowl.
Cutting out sugar cold turkey is the single most effective thing I can do. I fall off the wagon every few months and getting back on track is hard for few days, but the longer I go without it, the less I miss it. Cutting out sugar automatically means I cut out most processed food and anything conducive to mindless snacking.
Flats Only
I found that cutting out fruit helped me keep from getting hungry. Fruit is healthy, but the fructose gave me the same sugar high/low that a piece of candy would have done. Now I make sure that meals/snacks are “savory” and I’m not hungry between meals. A recent example is a grilled chicken salad I make with salad greens, grilled chicken, cheese, corn, peppers, pico de gallo, etc. Sometimes I add half an avocado. It’s a nice filling dinner. Last week I had a random mango in the fridge, so I put that on the grill and added it to the salad as well. It was delicious, but I was STARVING 2 hours after dinner and had to have another snack before bed.
Anon
anyone else a bit nervous that Biden is eating in restaurants with other people? i’m sure they are doing everything possible to keep him safe, but eating in public just seems like a bad idea given that is considered one of the riskier covid activities
Anonymous
No
Anonymous
lol maybe that’s how they are planning to get rid of him AND push the “second wave”.
Anon
I’m nervous about Biden socializing in general, even with a mask.
Anon
Not really. I think he has to, optically speaking, show that he’s not shuttered in to try to relate to some of the voting base that feels this whole thing is way over blown. I’m sure they’re doing everything in their power to keep him safe.
Not even a Biden fan.
The reality is that he is elderly and at risk. I do agree that he needs to go out because he looks frail, uninvolved (especially around Veterans Day or BLM, or other events people care about). He did stay inside for a while and I’m sure they’re taking every precaution, it just makes me nervous.
Not even really a Biden fan
Yes. I saw him in a church (everyone around him masked, I’m sure they were tested or vetted) and it still took me back. Outdoors is one thing, but a wooden church I’m not as comfortable with.
Anon
I hate it because I want to see our politicians lead by example but I also understand so much of the country is trying so hard to believe this pandemic doesn’t exist and won’t vote for someone in favor of restrictions.
HousecounseI
I want to put him in a bubble like RBG, but not in the same bubble as RBG . . .
Girl going grey
So….I have decided to bite the bullet and grow out my grey. I have a ton in front at my part, but nothing at the back and a few at the sides. I’ve been colouring my hair for 12+ years (I’m now 45 but thanks to good genes, I can pass for 38-40). Something in this pandemic has just caused me to snap on the greys and decide not to touch up my roots.
My biggest worry – workplace ageism. I work in Asia and I barely ever see a grey head in the office. It’s surreal. Anyone else rethinking and growing out their grey?
Monday
I stopped dyeing over my whites about a year ago and am really glad I did. I found out for the first time what my hair really looks like without coloring, and am much more comfortable with it than I had expected. I found that if I moisturize it a ton, the whites don’t look wiry or stand out texture-wise anymore. (Moisture was always a good idea for my hair anyway.) I love not having to worry about whether it looks unnatural, and not having to dread some future reckoning. I’m 38 and have probably 5-10% whites, so I understand this is still early.
I do live and work in a setting where gray hair is common.
Moonstone
Yes, I am taking this opportunity to cut my hair short and grow out the gray. I am concerned about workplace ageism as well, but we’ve been told we’ll be working at home for the rest of 2020, so this is the time to do it and see what my hair looks like without color. It’s easy to go back to coloring your hair, if you want to.
Anonymous
I am doing this as well. I think it is more common now than ever before. My new hair is healthier from not coloring, and if I decide later it isn’t working I will have virgin hair for the colorist to work with.
Pink
Another grey embracer here. I stopped dying my hair 5 years ago when I moved away from my beloved colorist. I have to say, my hair is much healthier now because I wasn’t putting the time in to properly maintain my colored hair. I am getting some wiry greys (I’m 34) but I don’t really care. As a bonus, my virgin hair color looks a lot more natural with my skin tone.
Anonymous
I went with letting the gray come in b/c I am vain (not b/c I don’t care). I love my natural dark shiny hair and hate how bad dark hair looks when died (it has no variation or shine — like a cheap paint brush). I didn’t want that. I condition the gray so it’s not wiry and it’s like a Cher / Stacy London stripe vs Golda Meir (who is great, but maybe needed some conditioner). And condition at the root for where a lot of grays crop up — it will help uniformize your head’s texture.
CPA Lady
Follow the instagram account @grombre. I think one really important thing when making a big appearance based change is to purposefully put some of that kind of content in your life. I’m going gray at the temples, and I have no intention of dyeing my hair. I’m 36.
Anon
I am also checking it out, haven’t 100% decided because of ageism (and I am in my 60s) in a work environment that skews young. My employer says that no one who is successfully teleworking will be coming to the office any time soon, so now is the time. I will use a washout root spray for calls where I will be presenting. I am going to see how it goes, but I am more desperate for a hair cut than color.
Nudibranch
Grombre on Instagram is a nice resource for you. Check older posts to see beautiful grey-haired women from all over. Very affirming.
Going silver
Also check out the Gray and Proud Facebook group.
Anon
Is there a Fb groupd/Insta page for ppl growing out rebonded hair?
So anon for this
Senior associate, nyc biglaw here. For the first time I have gotten an overall negative performance review. coincidentally (?) this has happened in my year post mat leave. Is there a point in seriously working on the things that were mentioned, or is now the time to brush off the resume and start considering what I’m doing with the rest of my life?
I have a small book of business in my specialty, but probably not enough to jump to another biglaw firm.
Anonymous
Sadly, no point. This is them giving you time to find a new job.
Anonymous
+1, they are not going to support you for partner. Brainstorm what you really want to do, and get started on your action plan to get there.
The original Scarlett
Hate to say it, but dust off the resume – it’s a common tactic with senior associates in biglaw. With a book you’ll have options with mid or small if you’re not interested in in-house
Anon
You should figure out what you want to do with the rest of your career. This is a strong indication that they are not considering you for partner (which makes sense, given the small book of business).
Have you just assumed that you would make partner, or have you thought about alternate career paths?
Anon
I’d put the energy into finding a new job but also make visible efforts to improve some of the things they are complaining about to try to buy yourself another year or two if the market sucks right now. Just don’t believe they will ever say you really turned it around.
Anonanonanon
I love this dress. If I were going to be in the office before 2021, I would snatch it up! Being pear-shaped, it usually grab any professional-looking A-line dress I can find.
MKB
LOOOOVE the texture, too. I can’t imagine I’ll be doing anything customer-facing in person soon enough that I should be shopping now, unfortunately.
Anon
I have an appointment with my PCP soon to talk about anxiety/depression. Questions to ask? Things you wish you had known? I’ve always had anxiety and have just dealt with it by getting through the day/week/month, but it feels different now. My heart races all day, I second guess every decision I make, and I feel paralyzed and overwhelmed all the time. It’s also become hard to get out of bed, I have no interest in anything, and really just try to get through the day and get to the weekend where I can sleep without feeling panicked all day. I meditate, exercise, read, get outside, etc. but nothing seems to be helping. I really want to take a week or even a few days off but that can’t happen any time soon. Part of me thinks this will go away when things go back to “normal” but who knows when that will be.
Cb
Well done for making that appointment! I went to the doctor in December because while I was coping, I wasn’t feeling awesome. I think it’s helpful to know what you might want to ask for. My doctor proposed three options – bloodwork to look at vitamin d, referral me to the mental health worker, and a prescription, but offered to do all three at once, which I opted for.
Anon
Yes making the appointment was the hardest step for me! Congrats!!!
A friend advised me to make a written list of your symptoms (as you’ve already done here) plus 2-3 things that you want to see as a short-term outcome. For me – I wanted to feel less paralyzed every day, and I wanted to be less irritable with my family.
Having the written list helped me feel good that I wouldn’t forget anything. Having a short term goal helped me have a good conversation with the doctor about what would help those as quickly as possible so then I could work on the rest of it.
Anon
I would add blood work to check B12, though if you take a multi the lab may not be reliable. If you are on the pill, think about that too. The last time I had panic attacks, it was low B12, and the last time I was just anxious all the time, I was cured by quitting Loestrin. Basically now is a good time to check whether something physiological is contributing.
Anon
I would ask for a full bloodwork to be done. For my issues in February, it was helpful with each professional I was talking to (therapist, neurologist) to be able to show or say that a full workup had been done. Rules other things out and gives insight.
Veronica Mars
Ask if you can get a genetic cheek swab test to see which anxiety / antidepressants will work for you. It’s done by a company called Millennium and I found it to be enormously effective in finding the right meds for me. I’d also go into the appointment mentally prepared to get meds– I found my doctors didn’t really coddle me or give me some substantiative discussion on it, it was basically, “Well, yep, you fit the symptoms for GAD, let’s talk about meds.” I also recommend the anxietys and phobias workbook by Dr. Bourne on Amazon, amazing info there on medications and every single other non medication treatment option.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to the genetic test.
Also voicing my support. Hang in there, I hope you start feeling better soon.
Anon
+1 to Bourne. I have GAD and found it enormously helpful. Also consider a trace elements test with a holistic / functional medicine doctor for mineral imbalance if you can. I have taken vitamin B, C, D, and zinc, selen, magnesium to balance out excess copper and it has made a world of difference in my anxiety.
Anon
Yes, my panic disorder that I tried treating with psych meds for years was cured by B12 shots along with folate and magnesium. Apparently I had pernicious anemia all along, but it was masked by taking vitamins. I have no idea how common this kind of misdiagnosis is, but my neurologist was explicit that B12 shots can’t hurt to try, which unfortunately wasn’t true of some of the psych meds I tried. So that’s my big “thing I wish I had known,” and why I think it’s important to get thorough evaluation and not jump to the assumption that these symptoms are primarily psychological.
Anon
The PCP will probably give you questionnaires for both depression and anxiety. There is a pretty standard questionnaire that is easy to find by searching “depression anxiety questionnaire.” It lists about 8-10 statements, including some of the things you listed, and you select a frequency with which the feelings occur (feeling overwhelmed all the time, loss of interest in daily activities, etc. are all common ones). That’s what my current and past PCPs have used to gauge my status at various points in time. I would also recommend the genetic testing for the correct drug, and keep in mind that medication typically takes at least a few weeks to take effect. It can be a little rough getting used to drugs. The side effects coming on and off of them can be difficult, but for me it was so, so worth it.
DC/Feds
DC/fed ladies, any guesses or insight as to when WFH will be phased out and we’ll transition back to offices? My management is saying that it’ll be a slow process and that we shouldn’t plan on coming back anytime soon, but I wonder if that’ll be in tension with the White House messaging and pressure on politicals to get folks back in the office. Our fed-sponsored daycare remains closed with no opening date having been announced yet. And if Metro use is disfavored, I suppose we’d purchase a vehicle to commute. But with no childcare and concerns about transmission on public transportation, I do hope WFH continues to be an option for those who prefer it.
Anon
i work at a university. every student in-person internship program was canceled in DC….except for the one at the White House, so who knows
anon
No dates being bounced around at my agency just yet but we’ve always had a liberal telework policy so this isn’t a huge change for most people. If I had to guess, maybe an August return for low-risk staff who don’t use Metro? That is assuming cases don’t continue creeping up in the meantime.
Lana Del Raygun
My agency’s topline message is that no one will be required to come in if they don’t feel comfortable (even if they’re on weather/safety leave right now). They’ve sort of waffled on that in some later messaging, so we’ll see, but my particular office is very WFH-compatible and we’ll be some of the last to return.
Anon
From what I’ve heard, none of the agencies my family/friends work for (including parents, both siblings and both in-laws, spouse and several friends) have given any indication of a revised policy coming any time soon. I think the earliest I heard is Labor Day, and that was from a friend that’s an onsite government contractor.
PolyD
We were told that maybe some of us will come back to the office in September. But my agency is being very flexible about teleworking, recognizing that if the schools stay closed, it would be difficult for parents to come in. We can easily do our work remotely – I kind of hate it and there are lots of things that happen because of casual interactions with coworkers that aren’t happening, but the work that needs to get done is getting done.
Interestingly, in May we got an email from our leadership essentially saying not to go by what OPM says, and DO NOT go to the office until explicitly told to by your manager.
Anon
I’ll be shocked if it is mandatory to return to my office before September. There has been some talk about letting those who want to work in the office start to come back in mid July or later. But no discussion about mandatory return, and it has been very clear that those who want to work from home can continue to do so.
Other Fed
Dept of State just announced entering Phase 1 staffing on June 15. Telework still encouraged, max 30-40% of people returning to work IF they are not vulnerable or living with vulnerable people, have childcare, etc. Self-certified “vulnerabilities.” Managers expected to determine individual office needs (for example, do you have classified work that has to get done).
AnonMPH
My husband has been involved in helping an agency figure out the data and metrics for their reopening gates/phases and I can say that everyone seems to be a) unsure of how they are going to proceed and b) cautious. Unfortunately, every agency seems to be recreating their own set of metrics and their own set of milestones/gates, which seems inconsistent and inefficient, but echoes the poster above that said for whatever reason no one seems to be expecting helpful guidance to come from OPM. While I’m all for appropriate nuance (i.e. USDA offices do different things than say, passport offices), I have been a bit baffled that each agency needs to, for example, figure out for themselves how to calculate something like “two weeks of decreasing cases” which seems like it OPM or even CDC should just give everyone a formula we can all follow. Agencies also have so many offices all over the country (and the world for DOS, etc) that they are really still trying to play catchup on determining guidance for each office. It’s interesting, you’d think they’d be better at this and at coordinating, but then you remember, nope, this is about right.
Also-I’d say that many agencies that were poorly set up for telework are finally actually now able to support staff effectively for telework (improved connectivity, more laptops, etc) so the pressure to come back seems less intense.
anon for this
Small agency, we have been told that even if the office reopens it will be optional; no one will be required to come in through the end of the year.
Anon
After getting out of control during COVID, I’m trying to get back on the wagon in terms of being health/weight loss and sticking to my budget. I’d like to come up with little rewards for myself for hitting milestones and/or sticking to my goals for x amount of time. Both of these “challenges” are long roads, so would love some small treats to break up the monotony.
Many of my go to fun activities are still closed (only just entered yellow on Friday, and my area’s yellow is still quite restrictive), and many of my friends are still living with their families outside of the city. I’m kind of a minimalist so don’t like tchotchkes , and don’t want my “treats” to be something that makes me totally fall of the wagon (so not necessarily junk food and not anything $$$). In normal times, I might get myself a pedicure or check out a cool new beer garden with friends, browse TJ Maxx and buy a new dress, etc. Just looking for weekly-ish little rewards for staying on the right track. Any ideas?
Anonymous
New book on Kindle? Face sheet mask? Treating yourself to a walk to get a take out iced tea?
Ribena
Nail polish and a magazine?
Anon
What strikes me about this is that you’re trying to lose weight, be healthier, and stick to a monetary budget all at once. This is a great goal, but it involves a lot of lifestyle changes all at once. Moreover, treating yourself for losing weight may not be compatible with sticking to your budget, and it’s notable that there are not things you really want; you just want to spend money on a treat.
Anon
When it comes both to eating and spending, I’m an abstainer and not a moderator so I like to build in pre planned treats so I’m not totally depriving myself.
Once I open the box of unplanned desserts, treats, etc I have trouble closing it. If I deprive myself for too long, I’m miserable and go too hard in the other direction. I find knowing that I have xyz treat on Friday helps keep me in check!
MagicUnicorn
What about putting the money you would have spent on a yellow-light treat into your savings account towards a larger splurge? Or donating it towards a favorite cause? That might not help if your budget goal is to cut spending, but if you don’t really have specific reward in mind and just want the feel good hit from spending money they would be good alternatives to consider.
Anon
Flowers. Or upgraded version of something – whether a treat (e.g., small piece of fancy chocolate), higher end alternative of something you already get (like nicer body lotion) or just a more expensive/less work option (along the lines of pre-cut fruit salad from the grocery store).
Anon
Oooh I love buying myself flowers at the grocery store as a treat.
Anon
Nail polish, a magazine, renting a movie that’s not included in any subscription services you subscribe to, cut flowers or a plant from the grocery store, new pajamas, new workout headband, pay for a new workout app for a month, a to-go coffee, a day trip somewhere. Good luck!
anon
I always build in weekly treats on Fridays as a way to stay on track with my budget the rest of the week. I like to stick to around $5 or so — so a fancy latte or new nail polish is perfect. Ever since Starbucks reopened, I’ve been doing the drive thru on Fridays and it’s perfect.
anon
My favorite treats/rewards are food related but don’t have to be unhealthy or $$$. I like to go to the grocery store and buy the best fruit they have that day–whatever you can smell when you walk into the produce section. I also enjoy fancy coffee (tea works too) and a bar of dark chocolate to keep in my purse or desk drawer. If feasible for you, you could buy some herbs and plant them in pots–they’re amazing to cook with and cheaper in the long run than buying the $2.99 packets in the grocery store.
I love having fresh flowers around the house.
MKB
I like to buy myself a new set of running songs – it’s like building a mix tape for myself (I am hopelessly out of touch with technology, so what I do is buy the songs individually and put them into a playlist on my phone, there are probably better and/or cheaper ways). Part of the reward is just the time by myself picking the songs.
Nudibranch
I love to buy new workout clothes. My favorite for great inexpensive finds is TJMaxx–but they’re online only now so can’t try on.
This is an $$ suggestion, but I’ve found my airpods have incentivized my workouts. Hated dealing with those cords!
I also buy, refresh, and add to my workout playlists — i feel like i’m rewarding myself and investing in my physical and mental wellbeing.
Friends
I just wanted to say that the discussion yesterday about making friends after college has really inspired me to not feel so awkward about trying to make adult friends. I was so glad to hear that there are so many of you that came out of college without super-uber-close-for-life-BFFs, and that you’re also out there waiting to make friends! As an adult, I’ve often met people that I click with socially, but I’m also reticent about possibly “pushing” myself on them when I assume they already have BFFs, so who am I?
pugsnbourbon
I once heard something to the effect of: “Extroverts do ‘friend stuff’ with new people to get to know them, vs. getting to know someone before doing ‘friend stuff.” Of course that’s a wild oversimplification of extroversion/introversion, but it helped me change the way I think about making friends.
HousecounseI
I think this is a fair distinction and I see it in my own teenagers.
Anonymous
I missed yesterday’s discussion. I am mid-forties and until last year had a couple of work friends and a BFF who had a circle I sometimes mingled with. Then last year I met a woman at a party who just came out and said “I am trying to make new friends” and I said ” So let’s be friends.” And now we are. Similarly, I was in a local bar solo one night and a couple of neighborhood guys asked me to join their discussion. Now they are close friends I see almost weekly and since they are that kind of people they also have a bigger group that has meant I have made other friends I see alone and with them. Also, a colleague asked me to help her sister find a place to live in my city. She is similar in age and I just approached it from the beginning as if she would be a new friend when she moved here. And that worked. I think people are more open to this but you may have to just say it out loud or make the invitation to a friend activity. Of course some will fail but that is okay. I will say the success likely lies in the fact all my friends are single and middle-aged and like to go out, though some do have kids.
Anon
What’s the best site these days for selling NWT or almost-new clothes? I hear a lot about Poshmark, but it sounds very social-media heavy, what with sharing your items, bundling, et cetera. I just want to take photos, post, and be done. Is that better done on eBay? Or maybe Mercari? I won’t use Facebook.
Anonymous
if they are designer, the real real. super easy to use but they are selective about the pieces (no mall brands).
CHL
I don’t do all the social stuff on Poshmark and have sold several things. I think just make sure you get your descriptions to include all the possible search words and take good photos and you should be fine. Brand names and NWT are great.
Anonymous
I use and like Poshmark. I’m not active on social media at all. The only thing you have to do is “share” your closet at least once a day to get everything bumped up in the search results.
eertmeert
I use ebay to buy clothes, have tried browsing Poshmark and ThredUp but find it clunky and not as searchable – but am long-time ebay user so might just be unfamiliarity with the other systems.
Anon
Poshmark isn’t on social media. You share your items within the Poshmark app.
Sloan Sabbith
I still think Poshmark would work. You can go all out (attend the parties! Bundle! Send stuff with fancy extras!) but really it’s just about writing detailed descriptions and posting good photos.
CountC
I buy a good bit from Poshmark and I have never accessed it through SM. My friend sells clothes (including mine) through it and all you need to do is take nice pictures, give good descriptions, and please please please use the name of the designer AND the name of the style (if you have it). I search for very specific items by name because I don’t like wading through page after page of not what I want.
Anonymous
How do you cool a smallish space? I have central air, but for some reason my home office gets SO.HOT. in the late morning/early afternoon (sun is on that side, but oddly, the room below me stays cool). Adjusting the AC isn’t an option (the rest of the house is already cold) and it’s now getting too hot/humid to open windows. I don’t know that I want a fan blowing on me and making noise during calls. Is a small portable AC unit the way to go? Any recommendations for something relatively inexpensive? I hope to be back in the office soon but I can’t continue to sweat during video hearings for the next few weeks.
Anonymous
Get a fan. It’s no louder or blow-I-er than a portable AC.
Anonymous
One of my kid’s bedrooms is like this. We use a fan to circulate more air, not to blow on her to cool off.
You may also be able to adjust the AC vents. Our HVAC people did this for us- you can get more airflow to vents or reduce it based on where in the “air chain” they are.
Anonia
You need thermal blinds or drapes to block the sun during the hot times of day. I’ve also had luck putting a fan in front of the AC vent to further circulate the cool air.
Marie
+1 to the thermal blinds and black out curtains for the portion of the day when the sun is directly on that side of the house. Makes a huge difference, especially for morning sun if your office has already been baking in direct sunlight for several hours before you get in there to work. Make sure you shut them the night before and once the sun moves to the other side of the house, you can pull back the shades and curtains.
Marie
PS: I also have a ceiling fan in my home office, which is quiet, but nice for circulating the air, especially with the office door open.
MagicUnicorn
You refer to a room below this one, and since warm air rises this room may just naturally be where the heat congregates in your house. Do you have drapes you can close to keep the sun from adding more heat? Computers also generate a ton of heat. Do you turn yours off when you aren’t working? Do you keep the door open to allow cooler air to circulate? Maybe use a fan in the doorway to encourage air to move around. Assuming you have forced air, make sure the registers are open and not blocked by furniture.
Anonymous
Our house has a damper in the ductwork coming out of the air handler that allows you to direct more or less of the conditioned air upstairs versus downstairs. We adjust it to send most of the air upstairs during the summer and downstairs during the winter.
I concur with the suggestions to install insulated or blackout drapes and keep the door open to ensure airflow if possible.
Anon
Adjust the vents. Partially close the vents in the cooler rooms and be sure the one in your office is wide open.
Aunt Jamesina
If a fan is too loud, than any sort of portable A/C or window unit will definitely be too loud. I agree with closing drapes or blinds (and they’ll need to be fairly substantial) and leaving the door open to increase air flow. Second floor rooms can get hot, especially if your place isn’t well insulated or faces the sun in the afternoon.
Anon
If the window is not in the front of the house where it would create an eyesore, I would get a small window unit and call it a day.
NY CPA
Vornado fans are great. I have one pointed up towards the ceiling, so it isnt blowing directly on me, but helps to circulate air in the room. We dont have a window air conditioner in our living room, so I can tell it definitely helps keep it cooler. If you already had some central air going, even better!
NY CPA
I have this one: https://www.vornado.com/shop/circulators-fans/660-large-air-circulator
You could do a smaller size if it’s a smaller room.
Anon
Close the vents downstairs to push more cold air upstairs.
Anonymous
Where do you live (generally) and what is being discussed re: school reopening a near you?
There is a lot of discussion on the mom’s site about daycare, but my kids are older.
Our district is in one of the harder hit counties of MA. Not a whole lot is public yet, but one town near us has already limited busses to half capacity (only families that are X distance qualify) and another has started planning for split sessions K-12 with some kids M/W others T/Th and everyone virtual on Fridays.
I cannot imagine how families with 2 working parents who have younger kids (elem age) or even kids that need to be driven will make this work. And high school seems…like why bother and leave it virtual if you are going to have to jump through insane hoops for in person. There are no easy answers- but I’m super curious what districts that have an early August start are thinking now.
Anon
My state just released the guidance, so the districts are working though it now. I don’t think they are going to do a split day or alternating days because by district is pretty working-parent friendly. Right now it seems like the most likely thing is that K-6 will be in person but middle and high school will be a mix of virtual and in-person or even fully virtual. Midwest state, school is supposed to start August 3, state is fully “open” and gatherings of 250+ are allowed, but they’re still recommending that districts cut class sizes in half (which seems so arbitrary because class sizes vary a lot to begin with – why not set a numerical limit for the number of people in the room?)
Anonymous
I have a rising ninth-grader. Our superintendent is signaling in news interviews that the only option under consideration is a full return to in-person schooling with no modifications, precautions, or contingency plan. The virtual school board meeting is tonight and the pandemic response is not even on the agenda.
The most likely scenario is that school opens for a couple of weeks, someone tests positive, and the district panics and shuts down without a robust distancing learning alternative. I was willing to give them a pass and write off two-thirds of last semester, but I’m not doing the same for my daughter’s entire freshman year. We are in the process of setting up a fully on-line program for her.
Anon
Why would they shut down for the semester when someone tests positive? I have not heard anyone suggest anything longer than a 14 day shutdown for a positive test (which, yes, is inconvenient for working parents, but is very different than writing off the whole semester). The full shutdown in March was because we had virtually no testing or contact tracing, so we had no idea how many people in the community had it or any way of quarantining positive individuals.
Anonymous
It won’t just be one 14-day closure.
Anon
Also, are we really contact tracing yet?
Anon
What do you mean by are we really contact tracing yet? There’s tons of contact tracing happening in my state . . .
Anon
I’m not so sure…there’s increasing evidence that children and teens don’t really spread the virus even when they’re ill, and staff should be masked up at all times. My daycare and many others in my state have been operating this whole time with no positive cases. A lot of K-12 school districts, including mine, are doing an early August-Thanksgiving calendar so that by the time cold weather hits and extended families are gathering for holidays, the semester is over. Do I think some school somewhere in the US will have an outbreak this fall? Sure. But it seems defeatist to suggest that we shouldn’t even try in person school, when we don’t know how widespread outbreaks will be and how successful measures like masks and increased testing will be at containing them.
Anon
So silly question. Are high school teachers equipped to teach young children? I feel like the subjects and skills are so different. One of the proposals I saw online from a selectman (that may have already been completely rejected) was to have kids old enough to stay home alone (so probably 7th grade forward) school remotely with a pre-existing state wide virtual school curriculum and have the 7th through 12th teachers now teach K through 6 so they can cut class sizes in half and use the middle and high school buildings and teachers for that. I think it sound great in theory but I don’t think in reality the skills are immediately transferable between high school chemistry and third grade reading.
Anonymous
Even if they could (and I doubt it)…who is teaching the older kids then?!?
Anon
They would now be part of an already in existence virtual school.
Anonymous
Virtual schools require teachers. My husband is a high school teacher teaching remotely. In many ways it is more work than in-person instruction. All the grading still needs to be done. Students need 1 on 1 assistance. They need to be hunted down when they haven’t done any coursework for weeks. Etc.
Anon
I guess I wasn’t clear. There is a pre-existing virtual alternative school that has teachers. I think the plan is to make their classes larger but you are right, someone still needs to grade that stuff even if the lesson plans and instruction is already there.
Anon
I think a high school chemistry teacher is much better equipped to teach third grade than the average parent, especially a parent who is trying to work full time at another job. It’s definitely not a perfect solution but seems preferable to me than the current parents-teach-while-trying-to-do-our-own-jobs-too thing.
mascot
This. While not perfect, this solves much of the childcare problem that is such a big issue for the elem. grades. You could even have a virtual lesson broadcast to the class taught by an actual elem. teacher with the high-school teacher acting as an in-person facilitator.
Clementine
This depends on the teacher, the state, and the subject.
It’s not uncommon to get certified in education K-12 and then specialize in something like History… Alternately, you might have someone who is certified in Reading PK-5 and then High School English. But then you have people who might be teaching Chem who took an ‘alternate route’ which has been approved in many states in which there’s a shortage. That person may be fabulous at teaching Chem but not have any experience in Kindergarten classroom management.
So the short answer is: It would and could work for some but likely not for all.
anne-on
We have an au pair as I (used to) travel fairly frequently for work, and to do drop offs/pick up as our assigned bus times were insanely early. She’s been the only reason we can maintain some semblance of normality at work. However, we’re still unsure we’ll be able to get our new au pair into the US when she’s scheduled to arrive (August), and if not, we’re going to be in trouble. There is a HUGE demand for in-country au pairs, and there aren’t enough qualified au pairs/nannies/housekeepers to go around.
I also FULLY recognize that only helps the well-off families, I honestly have no idea how families who can’t flex to WFH, use family, or afford help will manage. As we’ve all said, this will push a huge chunk of (mostly women) out of the workforce. I strongly intend to raise this point to our local politicians and school boards who blithely seem to assume someone will be at home full time with the kids.
As someone said on my social feeds, this is not going to be solved family by family, this needs to be raised and addressed at the political level because the old white men running things obviously aren’t thinking of it/don’t care.
Anon
my friend has an au pair and said that they have been allowed to extend their au pair’s visa for 6 months due to covid
HousecounseI
I haven’t heard anything definitive from my junior high kid’s Catholic school. There are a bunch of different options on the table and I am sure they’re waiting for direction from the Diocese. They’re discussing dividing kids into groups and having only one group in the building on any given day. I can see this causing child care problems all over again.
I also have two in college and both have confirmed that the kids are coming back to campus in mid-August, going straight through until Thanksgiving, then staying home through the holiday season. The thought is that the kids won’t pick up the second-wave infections at Thanksgiving break and bring them back to campus.
HousecounseI
P.S. I am in the Chicago suburbs. The college kids are on opposite coasts.
Transactional Biglaw
Has anyone moved from a biglaw transactional practice to a federal agency? I am a mid-level (coming up on senior) corporate associate looking to make the transition. These applications all require writing samples. What type of writing sample do they expect to see from a transactional associate?
Anonymous
Can you volunteer to do a client alert on a new development, new reg or guidance, and then use that?
See below
I replied below – was having issues with the site and threading.
Anonia
Any opinions on La Redoute women’s clothing? Is it decent quality? Sizing? For reference, I’m cusp size, but they do have a plus section. Also, some of the shoes come in wide and I’d love to hear if anyone has tried those.
Aunt Jamesina
It’s okay in quality, or at least it was a few years ago (I lived in France and had a roommate who ordered from them regularly, but never wore anything from there myself). If you’re used to American sizes, the sizing runs quite small. No idea about the shoes.
Ribena
It’s okay. Check for fibre content – some of it is more artificial than I like. Get to know the sub brands if you can – I used to like the Soft Grey stuff.
Anonymous
BigLaw associate here considering accepting a job offer from a government agency. What should I expect when I give notice at work? Should I already have all files in order, case memos drafted, etc. so I can leave immediately? I don’t think anyone else has been walked out when they gave notice, but it hasn’t happened in a while so not sure.
Anon
To be sure, for walk out concerns, have your stuff you need to take home gathered just in case. I wouldn’t honestly spend time doing all the prep stuff before giving notice. If they want you to handle that they will honor your notice time. If they don’t care, they will walk you out. When I gave notice I was not immediately walked out, and used my time getting cases in order, etc. But as soon as I walked out of the office of the person I gave notice to, she called HR to start whatever exit monitoring they do. So assume IT is watching your actions very closely and that someone is actively in your email. All defensive to make sure you don’t light any bombs before you leave.
Anon
IME, biglaw firms treat associates leaving for government or in-house well. They know that a lot of associates are going to leave and like that it is less people they have to cut. I wouldn’t expect to be terminated immediately, less that is their very clear prior practice.
Cat
+1, no law firm wants to have a bitter ex-associate at a government agency or current or prospective client. I wouldn’t worry about being walked out at all. Your system usage may be monitored extra closely, though, so if you have contact information or other personal stuff you want to take with you (pretty sure my firm laptop had tons of info about our house purchase on it, etc) grab it before you tell them you’re leaving.
The 2 weeks afterward is when you can focus on transition. If they don’t want to give that to you, it’s not their fault they don’t get neatly packaged info!
Anonymous
+1 to all of this
HW
Same. I was prepared to be walked out just in case (so took home any personal stuff that I would have been upset about losing) but worked up through the last day of my two-week notice period. I spent those two weeks doing case memos and cleaning out files.
Anon
Has anyone been able to successfully change their overall mindset? I’ve become a very type-A, critical, stressed out person (thanks in part to law school and difficult jobs). Can I actually change this? If so, how? Any books or strategies that have worked for you?
HousecounseI
Honestly, the writing of Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project etc.) has helped me. It sounds cheesy, especially now, but I really try to focus on gratitude.
Carmen Sandiego
I think change can happen, but it takes a lot of work and a lot of introspection, which can definitely be uncomfortable. I would say that I’ve done a bit of an overhaul on my mindset, but it’s been a slow process, and of course, is always ongoing.
For me, it was a combination of counseling, meditation, yoga, and reading some books. Surprisingly, I found books like The Four Tendencies and general information about personality-types (enneagrams, etc.) helpful – not because I actually believe that we fall neatly into one category or that any one factor is dispositive of our personality, but because those types of things make me think more deeply about what emotions I’m drawn to, how I express myself and gave me some insight into why I am the way I am. Also, counseling helped give me a place to discuss these feelings and thoughts, and my counselor was always good about turning questions back around to ask me how I could change this, or if change was really necessary. Just as one example, when I’m angry, I feel it very deeply, more so than any other emotion. So I’ve delved into why I’m more comfortable feeling anger than, say, sadness, and now, when I feel anger, I have the tools to stop and say – ok, where is this coming from? Am I really afraid and it’s expressing itself as anger? Is my anger justified? (Usually, yes.) Is it productive? (Usually, no.) I think being able to step back the moment and ask these questions has led to a more positive mindset for me overall. Yoga classes with an opening meditation and meditations with gratitude themes are also a way to introduce positivity, and I’ve found myself enjoying them over time, even though at first I thought they were a little weird. Good luck on your journey!
CountC
This was me up until about 8 years ago. What helped me the most was therapy, in addition to appropriate medication (no longer on anxiety meds). I am someome who likes to talk things out – that’s how I process things. Books, workbooks, etc., would never have helped me, but YMMV of course!
Anon
This for me. I was always kind of bossy and negative as a teen, but by my 30s it was pretty severe. Therapy helped with self-esteem so I looked at the world differently, and meds helped me be the happier, kinder person I always felt like I could be if I could get out of my own way. I later learned that there have been generations of depression in my family, to include in-patient treatment (and aunts and cousins on meds), it’s just never, ever discussed.
CountC
Same, re: the family history!! Turns out the nasty maternal grandmother I had was actually suffering from untreated depression and anxiety – which no one EVER told me until I had gone through lots of trials and tribulations with my own mental health (and she had died after a very terrible period of dementia – so I have that to look forwardt to).
sleep
I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. But no, you do not have to look forward to your grandmother’s dementia. Most dementia is not inherited. And in fact, a major risk factor for dementia is untreated, lifelong depression! So the fact that you are not going have untreated depression and anxiety ongoing in your adult life will PROTECT you from developing dementia.
Add on top of that, when you aren’t depressed/anxious, you tend to eat better, sleep better, exercise more, have less stress and all of these improve your general health and quality of life tremendously.
One of the tragedies of ignored and poorly treated psychiatric disease is that there are so many complications of these diseases. Primary care doctors need to do better at screening for mental health disorders, and treating them, and explaining simply why it is important to do so.
Anon
It sounds like Kara Loewentheil s podcast UnF**k Your Brain would be a perfect fit. Her original podcast was for lawyers but now its targeted towards everyone.
JB
My strategy was simple. I decided that I didn’t want to be that person anymore and so each time I was overly critical or stressed I asked myself why. What is the worst case scenario? I screw up a project, get fired, embarrass myself? Okay, well I was already unknowingly embarrassing myself by being too critical (was called out a couple of times). Getting fired means that I’d have to find a new job, but I have savings to make it through, and the chances are pretty low that will happen. I also made myself apologize after being overly critical, which I really didn’t enjoy, and that helped me recognize the impact on others.
I also recommend the book Drop the Ball. Its more about doing less at home, but the mindset is similar. Actively choose your priorities and then everything that isn’t in the top bucket is less important or treat it as such.
You have the capacity to be a better person.
Transplanting
Does anyone have recommendations for a moving company? We are relocating from SF to Boston in early fall. We would like a full service company (they pack) since we have an infant. Our last big move was something of a disaster so I’d love to pick a moving company based on recommendations and not Google.
Anon
So most people don’t know that nearly all moving companies are franchises. If I had a good experience with, say, Mayflower in Charlotte, that won’t help you with Mayflower in SF. Local reviews are your best bet.
And full-service moves are DIVINE. (As divine as moving can be…)
Senior Attorney
For those of you trying to cut down on meat eating, I have a report. I made chili in the crockpot yesterday using Beyond Meat and it turned out great. Bought it in a one-pound package, not as patties, browned it with onion and garlic just as I’d do ground beef before putting it in the crockpot with all the other ingredients, and it was delish.
This has been a public service announcement.
Eager Beaver
Thanks! I’m going to try this.
eva
thank you! beyond is pretty great – del taco offers them as well
Lily
You can also use textured vegetable protein (which is cheaper than Beyond MEat crumbles and also shelf-stable) to throw into chili or pasta sauce. You can buy it on amazon and it’s great.
Anon
How would you disinfect a book? Not asking about covid specifically but just generally. Someone who recently retired and downsized sent me a few books they had that I wanted; books were packed and moved by movers to new house and then sent to me by the retiree. They’ve just been handled by a lot of people and the couple that moved told me that the movers were speedy to the point of dropping things/stepping on things etc. so as they’re unpacking they’re feeling the need to clean all their stuff. That wasn’t said about the book just in regard to – we though moving with packers would be easy but the way they handled our stuff, we feel we have to clean each and every item before putting it away. So how do I “clean” a book, the pages of which might easily have been under the mover’s boots after he walked out of a public restroom?
Obviously you can Lysol off the cover but not the pages. My usual tactic when IDK what to do — throw the thing in the trunk of my car for a few days; I assume this would work right — I’m in DC where we’re in a 2 day stretch of 90 day weather. Granted my car is garaged so it isn’t baking in the sun but it’s not it’s not like the garage is cold either. Anything else? Only reason I ask is that I have a tendency to read at night so at some point this book will end up in my bed.
Senior Attorney
Here you go: https://bookcleaningmachine.com/nebula/?gclid=CjwKCAjw5vz2BRAtEiwAbcVIL_ML0RTjdXMDMigQREI1mLOy-qwmtTDW0IduvPGAuDEJl1sU69iUmxoCDWIQAvD_BwE
Or you could put it in a bag for a few days until the cooties have a chance to die: https://americanlibrariesmagazine.org/blogs/the-scoop/how-to-sanitize-collections-covid-19/
anon
Honestly, if you leave the book out for a few days, it’s probably fine. If it makes you feel better, Lysol the cover. It’s very unlikely the inside pages have been handled extensively by the moving process. I’m not sure it’s worth it to flip through a book and wipe down every page, unless it’s a short children’s book or something.
Anon
I would just leave them untouched for awhile and then not worry about it anymore.
Anon
I would just wipe off the cover. They probably weren’t stepping on pages and if they did, you’d see marks.
anne-on
I dealt with bedbugs in neighboring units when I was in NYC and I would 100% wrap anything from someone else’s home in plastic and let it bake for a few days, it seems to be the easiest way to kill most things you don’t want to bring inside, especially by your bed.
Anonymous
Omg this is bonkers.
anon
+1
Paging Ugh LLM poster
I understand you are disappointed but depending on what your post LLM plans are being able to withdraw could be a blessing in disguise. Unless you are a citizen or resident it would be really hard to stay and work in the US – very few firms are willing and able to sponsor internationally trained students for the H1B visa, they typically only do so for the 3 year JD students. Additionally most LLM program administrators provide zero help with navigating any of this – law school rating are based in part on how quickly they can get JD grads into the job market and LLM graduated are largely ignored. Further, I’m not optimistic about the job market in the US post covid 19 even a year from now when you would be graduating, especially given the paycuts and layoffs this year. I realize this is all very negative but having navigated this transition myself I think you should be aware of what you are getting into because its always better to have more information. Good luck!
Negligent Vet
Has anyone ever sued a vet? Any advice on the process? My dog went in for a hernia surgery and within three days of his discharge developed an infection that has eaten away at layers of the skin and now his bone is exposed. I have been taking him back on a daily basis to have the wound cleaned but they haven’t talked about packing it or closing it, checked his fever, or done a wound culture to make sure he is on the right antibiotics. His wound is also being cleaned by a different doctor each day so there has been zero continuity of care. They have been telling me just to wash it at home with a sprayer and that they have seen worse it will heal with time. At the very least they were negligent about his care. I have now moved him to a second vet who said he absolutely could not go home with me with an open wound like this, they have sedated him to clean the wound and pack it so that the infection wont get worse, done a culture to make sure he is on the right antibiotic and kept him overnight to monitor him. It has been a very stressful week of not eating or sleeping and I am feeling very angry and frustrated because of how much suffering my pet had to experience.
CountC
That sounds awful, I am so sorry! I’m glad your dog is now getting the care he should have gotten in the first place.
Re: suing, I always recommend in these situations to ask yourself what your ideal outcome will be. In this scenario, sure you can sue (because you can sue for anything), but it will probably be very stressful, you will likely spend a good bit of money, and you may not like the end result. I don’t know where you live, but there is likely a different standard between simple negligence and veterinary malpractice. I think that veterinary malpractice suits are rare.
Instead of filing suit, my first recommendation would be to contact the licensing agency/board who oversees veterinarians in your state. In PA, that is the Department of State. Reach out to them to see what other remedies you may have or if you can file a complaint with them, which they can then investigate.
The other thing you can do is write online reviews – Google, etc. I recommend writing from a fatual perspective and not an emotional one, which I know will be VERY hard; however, I think that factual vs. emotional reviews are taken more seriously as strangers have a tendency to write off reviewers that come off as very emotional (not saying that’s right or wrong).
Again, I am very sorry this happened – I would be very upset as well. Hugs to you and your pup.
Anon
Neither vet is wrong, and the first vet doesn’t sound negligent, just maybe a little more old-school than you might be used to. It would be strange for an actual vet to be doing the wound care, anyway. That’s generally a tech’s job. Nothing you describe sounds negligent, and in my time doing dog adoption work, treated (with a vet’s guidance) many similar wounds that way. They’re right – it will heal.
Even if they did a culture, you’d probably only just be getting the results back, so that wouldn’t have changed the care he got in the meantime.
I’m side-eyeing the 2nd vet more than the first – what you describe sounds like a vet who sees a worried owner and dollar signs.
OP
OP here, first vet was VSEC and second was Penn if that matters
Anon
OK, I get how a teaching hospital would approach it that way. If it was my local clinic, I’d think it was a money grab, but it makes sense for a teaching hospital.
I still just see two different approaches to the same problem; not negligence. I hope your pup is on the mend (and out of the cone of shame :-) )
Lilac
This is the reason I typically go to younger specialized vets. I find the older ones see animals as property and not as living beings which I find highly concerning. I’m so sorry this happened to your pet.
Anon
In case people want to do an update regarding cleaning products which people compare/ask about here — in Arlington Va, was able to get 2 Lysol cleaners as well as a Comet at my regular HT grocery store this morning. They also had store brand disinfecting wipes which I didn’t buy. There wasn’t tons but at least a dozen+ bottles of each thing and it was NOT one of those times where everyone was grabbing them. Literally 3-4 of us in the aisle and I was the only one who bought any. Granted it was early but not like 6 am early — more like 9:30 am early. Seems like things are starting to reappear and (maybe?) people aren’t hoarding?
For Transactional Associate
The site is glitching for me and won’t let me reply. I’m in a similar boat (corporate practice applying for federal agencies). I submitted a memo about the structuring of a transaction. A due diligence memo could also work. I received several interviews.
Ellen
Kate, I am also having a posting issue today. Is the site being worked on? There is a lot of white space up top! I almost thought I was on a blank screen. But I love Corporete — it is the one constant in my very scattered personal life. If I only had an SO, I would not be so loneley all the time. Myrna is a great freind, but we are freinds, and it’s time like these that I could really use a good s-xueal relationship with a worthy man, not the schlubs that normally want to run away as soon as we have s-x. FOOEY on those loosers!
Anon
Same. Can’t reply.
Me too
Same. Only able to get here because i had yesterday’s in my history and could advance to “next post” at the bottom of the post before comments.
Sore Sitter
Does anyone have a recommendation for a back pad for an office chair? I can never seem to get comfortable in my work-at-home office chair, which feels a little too deep for me. I’m around 5’7, 165 lbs.