Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Lilia Jacket

292 Comments

1. What are your tips for motivating yourself to keep on top of tidying? Cleaning isn’t a problem it’s just…..general clutter that accumulates.(we are DINKS and most of the clutter is mine). I feel like we are always 20min away from being visitor tidy downstairs and upstairs is usually clothes and washing everywhere. I was your classic messy bedroom child and while our home is probably pretty tidy in the grand scheme of things, I always think half an hour a day would just keep it feeling that bit better. I guess the answer is spend that half an hour on it but I’m lazy! We have plenty of storage and did a big de-clutter but I think we maybe also need to change shelves etc in some cupboards to better suit our needs.

   1. Bedroom: we use a pretty coat rack for PJs and loungewear, and have a designated spot in the closet to re-hang clothes worn lightly & not needing a wash yet

      Generally: never just put something DOWN. Put it AWAY.

      1. Modest sized house with four small kids. My house is never immaculately clean but it is exceptionally tidy because I cannot stand clutter. We have much less stuff than most of my friends and I am ruthless about accumulation. But most importantly, nothing ever gets put down. It gets touched once and goes where it lives forever. Consequently, we don’t spend any time tidying. I don’t think I spend 15 minutes a week tidying. (We also don’t have cleaners).

         1. +1 (not the # of kids, but to everything else!) And we do have cleaners come once a month. They/their great work is an absolute delight!

   2. On weekdays we both clean up, tidy, fold laundry and put the kids to bed starting at 7PM until we’re done. Neither person stops until it’s all done. It works for us because it’s built into the routine, accountable to another person, and gets the house mostly tidy before our evening starts. YMMV.

      1. Recommendations for when you are in a household of 4 (2 kids) and you are the person who cares enough to do the daily work (but yes, the seasonal overhauls don’t always get done). One kid sees the floor as the easiest repository of stuff. Both could be more deliberately organized (will help them for when they start leaving the house again for school, hopefully this fall). Spouse . . . is frantically motivated to clean / tidy in the now-rare event that people come over (and inside), especially if they are first-timers, then claims that none of it is his stuff (like the millions of papers that we need to do our taxes with — these are somehow just mine? do you not live in this house, too?).

         OTOH, the kids have closets of clothes for the current season and in their current sizes, and that doesn’t just randomly happen. Ditto cabinets full of non-expired medicine and canned goods and the non-circa-2014 salad dressings in the ‘fridge.

         I wish that giving a F were a disease that was contagious.

         1. How old are the kids? Can you give them jobs? And also teach them that things left on the floor go in a timeout bin (large plastic bin) and they have to earn their stuff back.

            No suggestions for Husband other than perhaps a serious sit down and counseling if you need someone to get you back on track with communicating.

            1. Invite new people over all the time? Or at least when stuff has gotten to problematic levels?

            2. I used to invite people over to give us a reason to clean the house.

         2. I have a joint items basket for house stuff. We take turns being responsible for emptying it into the right spots. Turns are written into the calendar and change off weekly on Sundays.

   3. I do a bit every morning between breakfast and shower. Put away yesterday’s wash, or clean and put away my shoes from the week, or clean out a purse after swapping it….

   4. Honestly, I just do a 5 min tidy up at night before going to bed. I set a timer for 5 minutes, and it’s amazing what I can do in the 5 minutes!

      Also – the less stuff you have, the less you have to clutter up space!

   5. I like it clean? No motivation required because messy space makes me twitchy? If you don’t care, it’s going to have to be for your spouse, unless s/he doesn’t care either. I’m lucky that my husband’s equally neat. If he wasn’t, we’d struggle.

      1. Yeah my motivation is simply having a tidy house because I hate clutter. Either clutter bothers you so you take the time to tidy, or it doesn’t bother you and you just live in a messy house. It sounds like it doesn’t really bother you to live in a messy house

         1. It can bother you and you still struggle to find the time or motivation to declutter! Trust me…

            1. Lol! As I reflect a bit more, my solution is baskets and hooks. Baskets for collecting shoes, baskets for collecting random things, everything is neater in a basket. Hooks inside closets are just so much easier to use than hangers sometimes.

            2. + a million to baskets. I like big belly baskets – they look nice in a corner but hold so much stuff!

         2. Belly baskets are a new term for me!

   6. We have a weekly cleaner – just 2 cleaners for 1 hour (3 bed house). This makes a huge difference as a) things never get dirty and b) the weekly visit means that we tidy up properly the night before.

   7. I have no motivation and am a messy person. The only thing that works for me is routine. Same as I always brush my teeth and wash my face, I always spend 10 (not 30! It doesn’t take anywhere near that long) minutes at the end of the night loading the dishwasher, washing anything in the sink, putting clothes away, and doing a quick tidy. For clothes I need a halfway house between the closet and the laundry so I use a blanket ladder for stuff that’s been worn once but isn’t ready to wash.

   8. Having the right storage helps but what made the biggest difference for me was after kid bedtime, before I sit down I set a timer for ten minutes and put on a podcast and start tidying. If it’s an engaging podcast and I don’t have other things that must get done sometimes I’ll go for longer. If I can do that even four nights a week it makes a huge difference.

   9. You say that you have storage, but there is still clutter. Do you need additional storage or maybe move things around to where it’s easier to get to?

      I store some items on the top shelf of my closet. I’m short and it’s hard to reach. I would have to go downstairs to get a footstool to reach it. Sometimes I was too lazy to do that, so I would just shove things on the lower shelves. I finally got a footstool to keep in the closet and now I am easily able to put things away on the top shelf.

      You may need to think it through a bit to see why there is still clutter and stuff is not put away. But then sometimes, you just need to bite the bullet and do it. There is no amount of magical organization that is going to get the clothes folded and put away.

      1. You might not need more storage but better storage too. If you have plenty of storage and still h ave clutter, than the storage system you have probably isn’t working for you! Every time I move, I find that it takes me several months of trial and error to figure out the best system for me in the new apartment.

         1. Yes. You can have storage but in the wrong places of the house. For instance if your purse needs to be set at a place far away from your door, that’s probably not a great system for you. Ask me how I know

         2. …and you might not need more storage or better storage, but instead just need to have less stuff! I find most of the time that I start to think about buying or making storage “solutions”, I can instead solve the problem paring down the amount of stuff that needs to be put away :-) First line of defense against clutter is having fewer things that can become clutter.

      2. This – you need storage systems that work. Everything needs to have a place and that place needs to be appropriately accessible for the amount of time you use the thing. Out of season clothes can be up high or behind things but things used daily need a “home” that is very easy to access/does not require any difficulty putting away. If things are hard to put away (they are behind other things, you have to climb on something or get on the floor or whatever, it won’t get put away. You need to figure out for you a system that is easier than just plopping stuff wherever. For me, that means everything needs to be visible and some breathing room so things aren’t crammed in and there’s a risk of things toppling over. You probably also need to declutter more. Getting rid of stuff is really the easiest way. When you can actually see everything you own, everything gets used more. If things are stored in difficult to reach/see places, they tend to just sit there and accumulate dust and take up real estate that could be better used as blank space to store things I actually use.

         1. Yes, came here to say this. I used to be a “messy person” but it turns out I was living in places controlled by other people and didn’t have the right space for my stuff (growing up with my parents; living with roommates, etc.).

            When I moved out on my own I spent a week or two looking at where the mess accumulated and fixed it. Now our apartment is always tidy. Examples:

            – Our entry way table had my purse, keys, sunglasses, etc. on it. I got a leather tray for my keys/sunglasses. I put a basket on one of the shelves on the entry way table where I stash the 2 purses I’m currently rotating.
            – After I got changed at night, I never put my clothes away/in the laundry. I realized it was because I always changed in the bathroom, not my bedroom. I moved the laundry hamper to the bathroom and added a hook where I hang my pajamas.
            -I have a really small kitchen and would always leave spices/cooking oil/etc. out on the counter because I needed a step stool to access the shelves they were stored on. I got a slim basket, tossed them all in there, and keep the basket on top of the fridge (small fridge so I can reach).

         2. Completely agree. One example is that a spacious, not crammed full dresser makes it so much easier to put away the laundry, and less than perfect folding doesn’t impact the findability of things too much.

      3. Oh! One trick I learned too – make it easier to put things away than to get them out. If you need them, you’ll be motivated to get them. But putting them away is the hard part. An example – maybe you don’t need to organize *every*sheet* of paper / file / whatever you receive; just put them into a box you know to go to for those kinds of papers. Or maybe you don’t fold every shirt, but they all go into the same drawer.

   10. Idk, 20 minutes to visitor friendly seems pretty good to me. Do people really keep their homes visitor friendly at all times? I thought that was a myth?

       1. My mom did and I do too. I just…hate mess, clutter, filth, etc it’s all so hard on my mental health to live in an unsanitary manner. If my house is ever messy it’s a sure sign I’m deep in a depressive episode.

       2. I would like my home to be visitor-ready at all times. My teenager and her friends are constantly running in and out with no notice. Our house has also somehow become the central gathering place for the extended family, none of whom are good at planning ahead. My goal is clutter-free, no embarrassing laundry hanging to dry, major cleaning at some point within the last week, and no mountains of dog hair on the floor.

          1. Our solution to the mountains of dog hair on the floor was a robot vacuum; I got a cheapo one and it still works better than my wildest expectations at keeping our floors cleaner. Highly recommend for busy households with dogs.

             1. My solution is cordless vacuum + teenager.

          2. Same here; it isn’t always pristine but we have friends and parents in and out daily and I am never embarrassed. It is visitor ready at all times.

   11. I tidy up between the time that I turn on the coffee maker and it chimes that its ready. Not a perfect system but 10 minutes each morning helps keeps things in check and forces me to deal with the mail piled on the table, pick up the dishes, etc.

   12. My answer to this is podcasts. At the end of the day I usually put on a 30-ish minute podcast, and go around the house generally straightening up, and with a podcast on I hardly even notice what I’m doing. It’s just a bunch of small daily things – sort the mail, take out the trash, put away my laundry, toss gunky leftovers, etc. – not hard core cleaning. Makes the house feel much more organized and a relaxing place to be. Plus I get a 30 more minute of steps in my day :)

   13. Oh Lord, it’s a losing battle.

       Yes to changing up your shelves, yes to baskets, yes to having a place to drop random stuff that has no real home. If your downstairs area is 20 minutes to being visitor friendly, do you really care about the upstairs?

       The real answer is probably just to throw more stuff away but I swear my kids bring it in 10x faster than I can purge.

   14. Thought I’d share this tip a friend shared with me, that I’ve tried a couple of times and plan to do more in the future. When a box comes into the house (like from something you ordered online), take 10 minutes and walk around the house filling up the box with things you don’t need or want any more, or aren’t using. Make sure you can close the box when you’re done, and tape it shut. Then put the box into the garage or another out-of-the-way place until the weekend, or the next weekend. If you don’t get into the box to get something out in that timeframe, take the box (and any other boxes you’ve accumulated) to donation, or put them in the trash. I did this the other day and managed to clean out a kitchen cabinet of accumulated junk that wasn’t doing anything but getting in the way. Also serves as a good reminder about – when things come in, things must go out, or else you end up with a mess.

       1. This is really smart.

       2. I really should do this, it would empty out so much of my house! #tryingtorecoverpackrat

   15. DINKS and I cannot stand clutter–by this point my husband has learned that everything needs to be put up, so we just do it daily/when we come in, etc. I also have an immaculate office because of same reason.

       However, something I’d like to do in the future, especially if we have kids, is what some of my colleagues (biglaw) do, which is hire a parents’ helper. Usually a grad student (they pay her the same hourly rate as their nanny) who will come in as needed (usually once a week) to tidy. So not quite at cleaning your house level, but fold up some laundry, sort toys, clean counter, etc.

   16. I’ve been focusing on cleaning the kitchen (all the dishes, cleaning counters) before bed and it’s so nice to come downstairs and remember it’s already done.

2. I think I must be an old, because I just can not understand that hair style. It looks like her hair was in a pony tail when she went to sleep and this is how she woke up, with half of her hair falling out of her ponytail.

   1. Same. But you know what bothers me the most? The open mouth! Every picture her mouth is wide open. When did this become a thing?

      1. A former manager told me I should practice relaxing my face and slightly parting my lips because it made me look more approachable. Yes, I have RBF because I am often deep in thought, I don’t want to have to worry about my lips!. There are many reasons I don’t work for her anymore, this was one of them.

         1. I’m sorry, that is a super weird tip for your manager to be giving unless you’re a fashion model.

3. Good morning Hive – I’m going up to the Sunset Park area of Brooklyn with my parents to visit my sister this coming weekend and I would LOVE some food recs. My parents are picky about cuisine – they’ll eat most Asian cuisines except for Indian, definitely no American unless it’s thin crust pizza, and they might tolerate some South American cuisines (they’ll eat Peruvian chicken) but no Mexican. All recs super appreciated!

   FWIW they lived in Queens/Flushing 30 years ago but now live in CA and haven’t been back to the city in decades…

   1. There’s Industry City, which runs several blocks in the 30s between 2nd and 3rd, which has a Japanese food court along with a great BBQ place (Hometown) and Sahadi’s, which is Middle-Eastern and also has a bar. There’s also at least a couple bakeries, several coffee places, a Mexican place with good nachos, and a few other fast-casual types of places. There’s tons of outdoor seating, so our favorite thing to do is pick up a few different food options and grab a table or set of chairs and eat outside in one of the courtyard areas. Otherwise, there’s great Chinese dim sum in Sunset Park closer to Bay Ridge.

   2. There’s a ton of amazing Chinese along 8th avenue in the 60s mostly. I haven’t been since pre-pandemic so hard to recommend anything specific. Bay Ridge (where I live) has somehow grown 3 Mexican restaurants per block so maybe don’t come down here….

      1. Oh unless you want to go to Tanoreen which is incredible (middle eastern), then please come down to bay ridge!

4. So, I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about the comments expressing anxiety about “mom jeans” being in style but unflattering, middle parts etc. and reflecting on it as a late-30s parent of two tween girls. I think a lot of the shift/anxiety at least for me comes from no longer being given attention for my looks after getting that for years. But that was also exhausting and came with a great deal of unwanted sexual harassment. Long story short, I think there can be tremendous power in claiming being “subject” rather that “object” of the male gaze and picking and choosing among trends/classics whatever makes YOU feel confident and attractive. Case in point-this last weekend I bought something from Madewell (slightly cropped linen-ish tank with buttons) and a first item of clothing from Talbots (pointelle summer sweater.) If I had gotten stuck in rigidity, I would’ve felt like the Madewell item was potentially two young and anything from Talbots too old, but when you don’t lean too hard on either end of the spectrum, I think there’s a happy medium to be found. Anyway, that was rambling, but my main point is yes, once you start to veer into your late 30s and 40a you might no longer be the target demographic for lots of trends and advertising, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun with getting dressed and pick what feels appealing to you and encourage casting away the fear of being “mutton dressed as lamb.” Men never worry about that for one second so why should we?

   1. Yes, definitely, I like a linen sack and while it isn’t “flattering”, it is comfortable, aesthetically interesting to me, and appropriate for my lifestyle with a little kid and an academic job.

   2. I think it is also a bit of thinking that you are shopping originally and yet here we are, shopping in stores, buying what people are marketing to us. When I see the Nth person in butt-hanging-out shorts (my kids have a name for them, which I am forgetting), it seems like the soft forces of conformity are hard at work, as ever (and a bit eew in the summer, b/c I am not here for sitting on someone else’s leg sweat).

      OTOH, I looked at some very cool prom outfits that kids made from colored duct tape and was truly amazed by some of the creations. I wouldn’t mind some of that creeping into our lives and thrifting once that comes back.

   3. So this was the central philosophical tenet behind Man Repeller, which I realize doesn’t seem revolutionary now but did seem revolutionary then. Regardless of what happened later with Leandra’s issues around diversity and inclusion on her staff (which shouldn’t be minimized), Leandra was the first person I ever knew who would just say, bald-faced, that you did not have to dress yourself to please anybody but yourself. Having grown up in a family of Texas women who were extremely sensitized to how men viewed their appearance, the idea that you could wear what you wanted without worrying about whether it was feminine, or flattering, or whether some man would find it attractive, was mind-blowing. Once you start dressing for yourself and learn to mostly ignore trends and what magazines say about what’s fashionable it’s very, very difficult to ever go back to how you got dressed before. I still love clothes, and fashion, but I have no desire to look like every other person on the street, or pay big money for clothing pieces I don’t love, and I certainly don’t give a d*mn about how men perceive my outfits. I dress to please myself. Anyone who has a problem with it shouldn’t look at me, is how I feel about it.

      As far as trying to wear clothes that kids my son’s age are wearing, all I can say is that I am glad that “season” of life has passed for me, and I no longer feel compelled to try to make things work on my body that just won’t work no matter how hard I try, just to look “on trend.” I was in Las Vegas visiting friends who live there a couple of weeks ago and we happened to walk through the MGM on the way to the rideshare bay at the back of the property to pick up an Uber. We got to observe about a thousand people standing in line to get into Hakkasan, the nightclub in the MGM. The prevailing fashion for the younger women was a dress that was extremely tight, extremely short, and wrapped around the neck so that most of their b00bs were exposed. I am 44; that look is definitely not for me even if I did have the body to pull it off (I only had that body back in my 20s because I had an untreated eating disorder). My days of standing in line for two hours in four-inch heels to get into a nightclub where I have to fend off drunk dudes and wait another hour to buy a $40 drink are long over, thank goodness. There are seasons of life, as we’ve discussed here, and in my mid-forties that’s no longer my season. I still have good times, but they’re different good times than I had in my 20s. I don’t think an attitude that aging = “might as well be dead” serves anyone, and some of the posts I’ve seen here from people who seem terrified of getting older concern me. Therapy is the solution for that, not styling suggestions for “mom jeans” worn by people who wore them the first time the trend came around, and should know better this time. The peace of mind that comes from embracing yourself for who you are, and the season of life you’re in for what it can offer you, is pretty great. Don’t knock it till you try it.

   4. I’m 43. I’ve never had anxiety about Mom jeans or center parts. When I was younger, I used to chase trends but I’ve learned over the years what types of clothes flatter my body. And most importantly, what makes me feel confident. I don’t have kids either so I’m not even familiar with the latest trends. At some point, I stopped caring what other people think. It’s been very freeing.

      1. +1 at 41. I DGAF what is trendy – I wear what I like and what fits me the best.

      2. I want to look current, which I think is different than trendy. I’ll try new styles, but I won’t wear them if they are not flattering – mom jeans are not flattering, but some cropped wide leg pants surprisingly are.

         I also kind of love seeing the new things teens and the young 20s come up with. I know back in the day my cohort probably wore things that our parents found horrifying – imagine being in your 30s-40s and having to deal with shops full of neon and lace gloves and mesh shirts! It’s been like this forever, and I guess I’m old enough now to look benignly on the young ‘uns, appreciate their creativity, and move on.

         1. What horrifies me is that the youth are wearing the exact same hideous stuff that we wore at that age. Couldn’t they come up with anything new?

            1. Ha. I get that feeling, but what comforts me is the memory of hearing my mom complain about the same thing. What we wore as pre-teens and teenagers wasn’t new either.

         2. I feel like I have to do a bit of extra digging to find items to try on now that are not in a mom-jeans cut. Just flag them with a different color tag and I’d be much less cranky! I get that it’s a trend, and while we’re denim-OK at work, it’s not Teen-Denim-OK, if that makes sense.

   5. This s i t e is the only place I’ve ever heard the phrase mutton dressed as lamb. I’m not convinced it’s a real thing.

      1. Really? I think it’s a pretty common, ancient phrase, although more commonly used by Brits.

      2. I first heard it in a Mary Higgins Clark book.

      3. It’s a thing. I had heard/used that phrase long before I ever discovered this s i t e.

      4. My mom has used the phrase for decades. Think she got it from her mom.

      5. It’s an old fashioned term, not really used in current times, except for here.

   6. Honestly I think it’s just an aging thing. We’re on the cusp of what we used to think was “old” and don’t want to look it. Also we don’t want to look clueless and like we’re waring clothes/hairstyles/accessories that are 20 years out of date. Yes, some pieces are classics but there is a slippery slope. There’s really no benefit to looking completely out-of-sync with the times unless it’s obviously intentional.

      Think about when we were kids and you’d see an older woman with pink pearlescent lipstick, blue eyeshadow, and “big” teased hair. We thought they looked RIDICUOLOUS and as if they’d hopped out of a time machine. I’m sure they thought they looked great and just weren’t succumbing to stupid kid trends. The problem is that they kept wearing the things that looked hot when they were young adults, decided it was the sole flattering style, and never updated their looks. I guarantee they could’ve found equally “flattering” looks in a modern context.

      I’m not agonizing over mom-jeans(l have a “mom bod” and that’s not the target demo for them right now) or middle parts(curly hair has it’s own rules) but I get not wanting to look like 2005 for the rest of your life. I prefer straight and wide leg pants and welcome the pendulum singing back this way – but I’m not buying the pants from Forever 21 either.

      1. I agree with all of this. I remember being a teen and telling myself not to just carry on the trends of my youth the way some otherwise lovely older women kept up permed hair and blue eyeshadow and looked so out of place. On the other hand, my grandma looked pretty amazing in her 60s fashion, so maybe the specific styles matter, or maybe there’s an age after which you just do what works? There is also another part of me that thinks, “I’m old enough that leopard is a neutral, which is great.” (Leopard was one of the old lady styles when I was a teen, ages ago.)

      2. +1 None of this is new or unique to current trends. This is how people have felt since the beginning of time.

   7. I was the subject of so much harassment about my body that there was a silver lining: I’ve been dressing for myself since my mid-twenties. Although I have never been particularly stylish, people tend to be left with the vague impression that I dress well.

      When you think about women who buy clothes, the vast, vast majority are over the age of 25. There just aren’t many people who are young, lithe, and able to effortlessly sport whatever the fashion of the day is. IMHO, fashion is for everyone, and if retailers want to pretend that it’s over by the time you arrive at your 10-year high school reunion, I’ll take my grown-woman purchasing power elsewhere.

   8. Preach. My goal as a 40-something is to look my personal best, not to imitate whatever else is out there. I aim to look current, not trendy, and to dress in a way that’s both comfortable and stylish for me. There is power in owning what YOU like and what YOU want to put out in the world, without quite as much care or concern about how others may respond. I include both men and women in that group, FWIW. I know plenty of women who dress for other women; I certainly have fallen prey to that.

      Even in my twenties, I didn’t have that body that was well-suited for trendy sh!t, but more to the point, that was never what I gravitated toward anyway. I can’t tell you how happy I am to be old enough to pull off certain looks that look sort of ridiculous on the super young. And yeah, that’s a thing.

   9. I was trying to explain that new trend to my husband and I used the term “they’re not for the male gaze” and it made a really interesting impact on him, like it reordered how he thought about how women dress.

      1. I feel like that explains the Mom jeans (but honestly, they are not comfy! and I’m starting to see camel toe again, which cannot be enjoyable).

         But to me it does not explain the crop top. That is either for the male gaze or the women-competing-with-women-to-gain-the-male-gaze. Men wouldn’t wear crop tops and the fashion world would not act as if they should.

         1. To be really charitable about the crop tops (which most that I have seen are not as short as they were back in the 1980s), a shorter top does look better with the more voluminous pants. I don’t love the short tops, but I can see why they are in style.

         2. I am a slight pear, and crop tops just look better on me than some other trends (eg skinny jeans). Would you say the same thing about skinny jeans- that they’re just for the male gaze or women competing with women for the male gaze? All the crop top hate on this site makes me feel self conscious and like I should sit out this trend I otherwise enjoy

      2. When will men understand that we don’t dress for them?!

         1. Lots of women still dress for men, and not only that, but remodel their faces and bodies to please the male gaze. Just take a look at Instagram sometime. As long as some women still do it, the expectation that we should all be that way will continue.

   10. I have posted about this before, but there is a happy medium between trendy and fashionable. Nobody (much less anyone over 30) needs to chase trendy. Those hideous. baggy, light wash, high waisted jeans fall into that category. but skinnies are on their way out (sorry and as a Gen X’er who loved my boot cuts, I feel your pain). That does not mean you should trash what you have. It does mean that you should possibly consider an updated silhouette for your next purchase. It does not mean I am giving up my side part (I need it to cover a bald spot from a surgery); it does mean I avoid any extreme hair styles.

       Also “mutton dressed as lamb” is an old phase, more common in Britain that in the US. And at the risk of annoying the “I wear what I want” crowd, it is a real thing, although generally more at the extremes. I am well into my 50s and would look completely ridiculous in styles clearly intended for a teenager. That does not mean I would not wear a piece from a retailer whose target demographic is a 20-something. It does mean I am not planning on showing up in high waisted pants and a crop top. There is a point where wearing clothes/hair/makeup intended for someone much younger just looks sad. (And let us be honest, if I could wear what I want every day I would like in leggings and a t-shirt.)

       1. +1 on all of this.

          I haven’t read the mom jeans discussions lately as people expressing anxiety about mom jeans being in style but unflattering, but more like annoyance with the inconvenience. I know I have seasons where I just want the trends to end, since I refuse to buy clothes I find unflattering or uncomfortable on me. I’ll pass on all the crops tops, just like I passed on all the empire waists fifteen years ago.

5. How do you decide whether to go for a promotion on the same team? I’m already doing a chunk of the role (on top of my current role), but the new role would be higher profile (and therefore higher stress), and would require my family (DH, two small kids) to relocate from a MCOL to NYC. We want to leave our current state, we have some family in NJ, and DH would be able to keep his job and work remotely. HHI would increase from 300k to 400kish (plus bonus), and company would pay for relocation. Obviously the downsides are (1) COL; (2) increase in commute (currently 45 minute drive with daycare drop off, would increase to ~1 hour public transit from NJ to FiDi); and (3) not sure we want to live there long term. I work for a great company and on a great team, and if I want to stay at this company, I either have to stay in my current city (ugh) or move to NYC.

   I can’t decide what I want to do. DH and I have talked about it extensively, and he’s supportive of whatever I want to do. There’s a part of me that very much wants this job, and there’s a part of me that thinks I should instead focus on finding a job with a new company (or agency) in DC (where we’d love to live). Thoughts?

   1. I personally think it would be tough to live on 400k with 2 kids in NYC, but YMMV

      1. Lol what?

         HHI 120k, single parent of one kid, max out retirement and 529, save up for vacations, own a car and an apartment. 400k is plenty.

         OP, I have no advice because I’m a native New Yorker and can’t imagine living anywhere else and that’s a pretty big bias, but don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t live here on what is a very high salary.

         1. By the time you pay for housing and day care/nanny, and school for a couple of kids, there’s not much left over on 400k. It can be shocking if you earn that in a lower cost of living area and move to NYC. Can it be done? Of course, but I’m not a fan of living that frugally.

            1. Doesn’t NJ have the best public schools in the nation? There are not great districts but they are avoidable.

            2. It’s a small state, but the schools in NJ are not uniform. And if they are good, you pay $$$ in property taxes (Maplewood, Mountain Lakes, the Northern Valley Regionals). As a kid in NJ, I never knew that in other states, only Catholic people went to Catholic schools. In NJ, while many people are culturally Catholic, most people chose them b/c they were the cheapest alternative (before charter schools were a thing) to some really awful public schools.

            3. People are just crazy. There are hundreds of good public school districts in Nj

         2. It’s a very high salary but things are shockingly expensive, and a big money job in the financial district will come with other costs like child care and housing. Not uncommon to spend $35K a year in property taxes in NJ, for example. I think it’s doable but life is short and relocating is a giant PITA. If you and your husband really want to be in DC, go there.

            1. +1 Property taxes can be 20k+ for a standard 4 bedroom house in a good school district.

      2. Wow…

         Of course you can live a decent (maybe not super luxurious) life in the greater NYC area on less than 400k

         1. The commenter didn’t say this but I assumed she meant that the poster won’t be able to live the SAME lifestyle they live in a MCOL in NYC on that salary. And that’s true. You can live a wonderful life in NYC for less, but the poster needs to evaluate what she has today in a MCOLA that she might need to give up (smaller house? fewer vacations? schools? etc.). She may be fine making tradeoffs but she should think about what those tradeoffs are.

            1. This.

               Going to NYC without doubling (at least) my salary would mean too many tradeoffs in lifestyle. MCOL cities are generally growing for a reason. My city is not a cool-kid place, but it sends empty u-Hauls back to the northeast.

            2. +1. We moved from the Bay Area to the Midwest, our salaries were cut by 2/3rds and our lifestyle is waaaay better here. People really underestimate how much more money you need for the same lifestyle in the uber expensive cities.

   2. I grew up in an NJ suburb of train and bus commuters into the FiDi and midtown. I live in an MCOL city now. It would take more than 100K pre-tax to move me back (or move me anywhere where the commuting burden is harder and the COL is higher, not to mention that I value my time/sanity/headspace, so more stress is not taken on for free).

      What is so bad about MCOL city? [Is it the 45 minute commute? IMO MCOL cities are where we should be able to bypass this or engage it in b/c that lets us live on a lake or something else worth the tradeoff. Maybe you need a different MCOL city or or a different ‘hood in your MCOL city or just to punt right now if your kids are still daycare aged?]

      1. Climate (way too hot), politics (very pro Trump), schools (bad and not diverse), culture.

         1. Honestly, I don’t know of any MCOL cities that I’d describe as pro-trump. I’m in a MCOL city that may have pro-Trump outlying counties, but the city itself? Never. Cities IMO usually vote like cities. Maybe you just need a neighborhood w/o a 45 minute commute.

            1. Why don’t you just trust OP that her reasons are her reasons.

            2. That’s a good point — regions can skew one way, but often there is a city/suburban/rural chunkiness to it.

               E.g., my parents lived in a solid D area of NJ when I was growing up, but it was very blue-collar immigrant union-job sort of D support, not very . . . coastal elite sort of Ds. But they moved a few counties out and it’s solid R territory (but not sure how Trumpy — there is some of that, but it also has pockets of hippies who have organic weekend farms and people who are moving further out because it costs less, so it’s becoming purple-ish).

               In NJ, property taxes are just shockingly high. Even D-learning friends have really questioned whether it is sustainable and are looking to head south, so where ever OP is from, it may also be in for a wave of change driven by the pandemic as its last straw.

            3. If I were 45 minutes from my MCOL job, it would put me in some Trumpy areas outside of my city. My city is solidly for Biden (or whomever is being run; elected city and county people are chosen by whomever wins the D primaries).

   3. I’d focus on finding a job where you really want to be. New York with kids is hard and incredibly expensive. I wouldn’t commit to that unless I really wanted to be there, and sounds like you don’t.

      1. Yup. Rather than move the family twice, including a move to an expensive, hard to live place you don’t really want to live, I’d spend some time focusing on cities you’d like to settle down and then start job searching there.

         1. I agree with this. Pick the metro areas you would like, and then search for opportunities within those areas.

         2. Concur. Stay in your decent job now and gun for the job you really want in the city you really want. Don’t move the family twice; don’t be too stressed with the new job to have the time to find the job you want.

      2. +1 – it is especially tough with young kids. We live happily with 1 kid, no local family, and HHI under 200K in Brooklyn, but it isn’t for everyone.

      3. I agree with this. I would only move to NYC metro area if you really want to live here. In your case, it sounds like you prefer DC, so I would stick with your current job for now and focus your energy on finding a job in DC.

         FWIW, I actually do not find NYC to be a hard place to live with little kids, but it is very expensive. I have no experience with NJ suburbs though.

   4. how old are the kids? I’m (personally, for me and my family!) against multiple relocations for school age kids, so if you don’t want to settle down in the NYC area then I’d reconsider as it’d be an additional move.

      I don’t think 100k is worth it to relocate to the NYC area. It’s not just that it’s more expensive but it’s more congested, busier, etc. It’s just (in my mind) a hard place to live, and I wouldn’t want that with young kids.

      1. Kids are 4 and 1.

         1. at that age, I’d focus on deciding where you want to settle down long term and just move there.

   5. We had a HHI of 250k in CT, monthly housing costs of $3500, daycare for one kid was $2000, and lower expenses for all the big ticket items (used cars, not a lot of eating out or expensive vacations, etc). A HHI of 400k wouldn’t have made it worth it for me, especially not now with higher-priced housing in the suburbs and many people expecting flexibility. We moved to a MCOL city in my home state for a more relaxed approach to life two years ago and never looked back. You need a burning desire to be in NYC for the city itself to make the slog worth it.

      1. $2000/month for one kid seems pretty good. I pay more than that in a MCOL city.

   6. Wow, I’m not getting all the NYC hate here. I can’t imagine living anywhere else.

      OP, I see a lot of upside to going for the promotion.
      – Moving closer to family is great, especially with young kids
      – Switching to a transit commute means that you can use that time for tasks like email or reading
      – If your husband will be 100% remote, he can take over daycare drop off & pick up, other household tasks
      – If you decide that the city and its suburbs are not where you want to stay, the better title will set you up for a way better job in DC in a year or two

   7. If you grew up in the tri-state area or lived in NYC for some period of time in your twenties or thirties, this is doable. To move there as a first timer trying to succeed at a new job with two small children is madness. Also, there are no houses in north jersey right now. The market is insane.

6. I’m going to get back from a trip around 10am and then I have to move the next day! What are your best tips for getting packed up and moved quickly? Will have a borrowed pickup truck or Uhaul and am mostly just moving my personal belongings (moving from one roommate to an apartment with two other roommates; they live there already so I don’t need to move living room/dining/kitchen stuff, literally just my bedroom/personal things).

   1. Pack before your trip?

      1. This. Be ready to go. Pack a separate overnight bag with things you’ll want the first night in your new place so they’re easy to find.

      2. Doing that as much as I can, but I actually only have 2 days between getting home from a different trip and going on the trip that is right before I move. All of my bags/suitcases are being used for the trips so I don’t have much to pack in. (also, I’m a naturally disorganized/do it at the last minute person)

         1. Get boxes and pack your stuff before the first trip. You will thank yourself later!

         2. Can you cancel any of these trips? You don’t have time to be doing this.

            1. I can’t – not in a financial position to lose the money but also I’ve been looking forward to them for a very long time. I’m also currently in the 2 days between trips.

               I should add that I usually finish work on a Friday, pack on Friday night and move Saturday morning so having a full 22 hours to pack is the longest I’ve ever had. But, life is more stressful than usual right now so was hoping to ease some of that stress!

         3. If all of your bags are being used for your trips, how are you going to fit the rest of your clothes in them when you get home? Sounds like your clothes will need to go in boxes or you need to borrow more suitcases from someone.

            1. I’ve ordered extra under bed storage containers – figure it will be easier to pack clothes in them and then I have them for storage after the move! They’re just delayed in getting shipped to me, of course.

   2. Book your UHaul now. Today. Rental cars are so expensive that people are using UHauls on their vacations.

      Buy way too many moving boxes, too much tape, and too much bubble wrap. Buy Sharpies. Throw stuff in boxes with a LOT of bubble wrap if remotely fragile. Write contents of box on the box. You don’t have time to pack well, so your next best idea is to just pack everything so it doesn’t get broken. That means boxes are not used efficiently.

      Also, order these things today so they are at your house when you return from your trip.

      1. Such a good call about the Uhaul. I usually just borrow my brother’s truck, but I think that a Uhaul makes more sense for this move for various reasons. This is also a good reminder to put in for no-parking permits for the streets in front of the apartments!

   3. It’s just a bedroom: order boxes, tape, and packing bubble wrap ahead of time (you don’t have time to collect free boxes – buy them). When you get home, pack. I wouldn’t even try and unpack the trip bags, I’d just wait until the new place.

   4. Honestly, just stick it in a box and go! Packing can suck but off you’re moving basically a bedroom it should go pretty quick. I would leave everything in your closet on hangers and lay it in the back of your car – no need to box that stuff up.

   5. 1) Prep as much as you can before you leave: Gather all the moving supplies you’ll need before you leave for your trip (boxes, packing tape, bubble wrap, trash bags, etc.) and have it all ready to go as soon as you get home. Even if you can’t use your suitcases to pack, you could fold all of your clothes that need to get packed and lay them out on your bed so as soon as you get home, they get put into suitcases.
      2) Minimize work: If you can get wardrobe boxes instead of having to fold all the clothes in your closet, that saves a boatload of time.
      3) Get a good night of rest on your last night of the trip in anticipation of not a lot of sleep the next night.
      4) Put on a great upbeat playlist while you’re packing. It helps me move faster and stay on track.
      5) Have snacks and drinks ready to go for throughout the packing and moving days. No “popping out” quickly to pick up lunch or a snack–stay focused. It always takes longer than you think it will.

      1. Thank you! Very helpful!

         It’s not all that much and it shouldn’t be too bad, but I”m stressed over it because there’s other stressful things in my life right now!

         As I said – I almost exclusively pack the night before I move so this shouldn’t be stress inducing because its my normal!

   6. You can’t pack all of your stuff in that short amount of time. Do it before you leave for any of your trips or postpone the move.

      1. Scratch that, I didn’t see it was just a room.

      2. It was not the most fun I’ve ever had, but I’ve twice moved entire apartments in a days worth of packing.

         1. I’ve moved a whole 2000 sq ft house! Granted I lived alone but it’s perfectly doable.

   7. I don’t know why you’re so resistant to boxes, but get some boxes. Uhaul has them. That’s how people move. You can free cycle then after you’re moved in.

7. I got a dog during COVID and never had one before. I’m used to no-traffic streets and walking with the dog in them if there is an oncoming person + dog on sidewalk (or person, or person + stroller). Dog is now very large. Is this a pandemic thing or what you do generally (not sure if the pandemic is over, but if I were walking on the sidewalk by myself, I’d not expect to vacate it for another solo walker or risk getting screamed at like in 2020)? Asking b/c we walk the dog mostly at dawn/dusk due to hotness (as does everyone else it seems, plus add in the runners) and traffic has picked up.

   1. What is your question? I don’t follow this, but generally whenever the sidewalk is too big for everyone, try to get out of the way if you’re the party taking up more room. Doesn’t matter if it’s because of a dog or a gaggle of people.

   2. I’ll stand/walk to the side (either in the berm or the yard I’m passing).

   3. not sure what your question is here, but you do not have to vacate the sidewalk just because you’re walking with a dog. People usually will step aside and let others pass when the sidewalk is crowded. In most places, no one will scream at you for not vacating the sidewalk in the name of social distancing.

      I”m a runner, a biker, and a driver. I run on sidewalks, bike in bike lanes, and drive on roads and it drives me up the wall when people don’t follow that! If I’m running on the sidewalk (and thus faster than most people who are walking), I occasionally pop in the bike lane to pass. However, I am pretty against people walking/jogging in bike lanes or the road as that causes problems for bikers and drivers.

   4. If I’m by myself, I don’t generally vacate the sidewalk for another person coming in the opposite direction. If I’m walking my dog, I do, since I know many folks aren’t comfortable with dogs they don’t know or owners’ level of control (or lack thereof). I also get off the sidewalk and out of the way if someone is walking a dog, because I don’t know how much control they have, and don’t want to trip or end up cut on one of those stupid Flexi-Leashes.

      1. I think all retractable leashes should be banned. These are so dangerous.

         1. Agreed 100000000000%

   5. I’m not quite sure I understand what you are asking, but I have two small dogs and here are my responses based on different scenarios:
      – people with no dogs – shorten my dogs’ leashes so they are close to me and pull them to my side and possible walk them on the grass strip nearest to the street to give the people the sidewalk. I am conscious that some people are afraid of dogs and never want my dogs to cause them additional fear so we do not ever approach anyone unless they say it’s okay.
      – people with dogs – (i) if dogs look wild and/or unfriendly or are on a (terrible) retractable lease, move to the other side of the street or at least in the street away from the reach of said dogs (we have very wide and quiet suburban streets); (ii) if I know the dogs and know the owner and trust both, pull the dogs closer to me on a shorter leash and walk them in the grass or just stand still out of reach in the grass until they pass.

   6. As a fellow walker, I don’t expect you to move but I do expect that you will hold your leash tightly enough that I will not come in contact with your dog. I prefer to not be sniffed, licked, or jumped upon. For some dog owners that means keeping their dog on the other side of them when passing people. A well-behaved dog is my favorite!

   7. I have a large dog and generally take her into the street when passing another pedestrian as long as there isn’t a car coming at me from behind. This is in a quiet residential neighborhood where the speed limit is 25. If there is a lot of traffic or the speed limit is higher, I would expect the pedestrian who is facing traffic to step into the street, regardless of which party has a dog. If I were walking in the same direction as traffic on a busy street and the person facing traffic acted as if they were claiming the sidewalk, I’d take my dog as far away from the street as possible, even if it meant going up a few steps into someone’s lawn.

      My dog is trained to walk at my left side, and I always shorten the leash when we are passing a pedestrian. I do not let her approach other people or dogs unless invited.

      1. Why the left side? That makes no sense in the US.

         1. The left side is the “heel” side. It’s also the side that’s away from traffic if you are walking in the street facing traffic.

            1. I never walk my dog in the street. I keep him on my right, placing my body between him and anyone else on the sidewalk. This seems the more practical approach, given that the street isn’t really where one mainly walks a dog.

            2. When you live in a place with no sidewalks, the street is where you walk your dog.

         2. I thought so to, but it is a thing with dog trainers pretty uniformly.

         3. The left side is the norm in professional dog training circles. I don’t know if this is the reason, but it does keep the dog farther from cars if you ever need to walk in place where there are no sidewalks along the road.

   8. I always thought the rule was that the person who would be facing traffic would step into the street if necessary, regardless of dogs or strollers, and if there wasn’t a safe driveway or place to move the way.

      I’m generally walking alone, so figure I’m more manuverable than someone with a dog or stroller, so frequently step off the sidewalk (if safe) to pass.

      My discomfort comes from people with really long leashes who don’t shorten them or tighten their grip on their dogs when walking into crowded areas. I’m pathologically afraid of dogs, so appreaciate it when people act like they have their dogs under control.

   9. Is your question just “can I walk my dog on the street?” If so, the answer is yes, so long as you have trained your dog. If you haven’t better get working on that.

   10. I step into the median strip and let people pass. My dog is a teddy bear soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but there are so many poorly controlled dogs around here, I don’t blame people for a second for being cautious.

   11. As a walker in a quiet neighborhood, I usually always yield to people with dogs and will step into the street to pass them. Most people leisurely walk their dogs in my neighborhood so it just makes sense to let the dog continue sniffing, ambling along, enjoying itself then making the owner pull the dog away.

   12. With a very large dog, all the onus on making way is on you. You yield, you hold you dog on a leash, you hold your dog close, always visibly and calmly in control of dog at all times.

       Because very large dogs can be – and people you meet have no way to know – both scary and unpredictable when passing, suddenly lunging, giving chase or jumping in weird ways. Much better to be a model dog owner visibly showing competence and control than making people uncertain.

8. WYYD. A former colleague no longer returns my text messages. I was let go from my job in a small dept at the end of March. We had been very close and continued to stay in touch, but she’s not responded to any messages since May. I can see that she regularly views my Instagram stories as well, but this radio silence over text is bothering me.

   1. I really hate texts other than the “they are out of chicken fried rice; what else would you like” or “plane is delayed 3 hours” need-to-know-now ones. Maybe ask to grab lunch and catch up in person?

   2. I would do nothing and stop texting them. In my experience, if people aren’t returning texts they either a) don’t want to be friends anymore or b) are overwhelmed/going through something/possibly depressed and the pressure of returning a message after it’s been so long stresses them out so they just keep avoiding it. If the latter is the case, eventually they circle back around. If it’s the former, that sucks but that’s just how it goes sometimes.

   3. Gently, you can’t force someone to in a relationship with you. Colleague, family, neighbor, no one. I’ll be the one to say it, “she’s just not that into you”. Time to let go.

      1. I wouldn’t even put it that way, because this is a work colleague. I have had a number of very, very close friendships *at work* that didn’t translate over to real friendship once the working relationship was over. It turns out I’m ok with that. I can actually only think of one work friend I’ve truly kept up with, and that’s because we had other things in common, mutual friends outside of work, etc.

   4. She thinks you want something from her–probably networking leads or other help landing your next job, if you have not found a position yet. Back off for the rest of the summer. If you want to reestablish your friendship on a social level, then call or email her and invite her out for lunch or coffee. If she ignores you then, you’ll have your answer.

   5. So, this is kind of an unfortunate lesson that we all have to learn more or less only through experience: in my estimation, 95% of work friendships don’t survive outside of the work environment you made them in. It’s not about anyone’s deficiencies or lack of desire to have friends; more that the friendship was made under certain circumstances and when those circumstances change, the friendship doesn’t endure. I left a job in December and have seen former coworkers a few times since then, but contact is fading out and in another six months it’ll be reduced to likes on social media. I have joked in the past that I seem to hang on to one friend per job for a few years after I leave the job, but that’s pretty much it. Work relationships are very much about a particular moment in time and recapturing that moment is difficult or impossible after people move on.

      I am sorry you are going through this and are having distressed feelings about it. I just had one of my friends go through this, with a friend from a previous job whom she had been really close to, who stopped returning her messages after they were both laid off last year. It’s hard but all you can do is keep it moving. Maybe this can serve as a good motivator to ask someone to coffee at your current job and make a new friend?

      1. +1. I have kept up with very few work friends beyond social media. It’s not that I don’t care about them — I do! — but once circumstances have changed, so did the relationship and the commonalities we had to talk about. I see this as a very normal thing.

   6. I guess it depends what the texts are. “Hey how’s it going!” is not likely to get much more than a “Great!” ime. Have you suggested specific plans? “So excited Local Beer Garden is open again, would you like to check it out for happy hour next Wednesday or Thursday? Would love to catch up!”

   7. Hugs, I’m sorry, this has happened to me too with several people lately (not work friends even, school friends). I probably will stop trying for now, but it definitely stings.

   8. I would stop texting her, block her on Instagram, and move on with life.

      1. I’d do 1 and 3 but not 2 unless you have a Close Friends Only rule. there are plenty of people I casually follow on Insta but aren’t actually close with day to day. Sounds like this was more of a situational friendship and it’s worth taking a step back/ letting it go.

   9. Just a quick suggestion for you or anyone else who may struggle on how to keep some of those work connections as social connections. A former colleague of mine hosts a “holiday cookie baking” day late November/earliest December every year and I am eternally grateful. It is very informal–folks drop in at her house from morning through dinner time. She sends out the date way in advance. Having an activity to do (such as rolling and filling pie filling and placing them in jam jars or mixing and cutting or decorating cookies) gives everyone a task and takes pressure off showing up solo. It never feels like a conversation lull. It has helped me stay in touch with some of the folks I probably wouldn’t normally and get closer to other folks who were faces around the office that I never had the pleasure to work with. It’s fun hearing latest gossip or knowing how the organization has changed (and where other colleagues have landed that may be beneficial for me to re-connect with).

      I have half a dozen former colleagues that I meet up with every now and then for drinks or dinner. But the “cookie folks” from my prior job definitely make me feel more connected than I ever would have otherwise.

      1. That’s such a nice idea. A low-pressure hang checks a lot of boxes.

   10. She’s just not that into you. Stop texting her.

   11. Thanks all. I do think she is going through some stuff of her own, so I am going to let it go. I’m hustling for a new job, I don’t need to give this any more brain space! And whoever said they keep in touch with about 1 person per job – seems about average for me as well, and this person isn’t it.

   12. I’m in the same situation with a group text that I always enjoyed with my former coworkers. I’ve either been dropped or none of them are communicating with each other any more. I suspect the former.

9. Following up on the Sue Sartor discussion this weekend. I had a million windows open and then tried on another flowy midi-dress already in my closet and realized that it is not a fibroid-friendly cut on me. It seemed to really magnify my stomach/fibroid area (and butt also). I really do love them and post-surgery to remove the fibroids want to get a Paloma dress. For those of you who have them, who are perhaps older and model-thin, what size / length did you get? I want to wear them with flats or not high heels (which I’d have to do for the longer Hamilton style, I think, which is 54″, whereas the Paloma is only 50″).

   1. I’d email the company – they can give you better sizing info and custom cut a dress for you.

   2. I don’t really have any advice, but I hope a bunch of ‘rettes meet up and have a garden party and wear their pretty dresses together. After 2020 we deserve it.

10. What kind of exercise (and what time) is best for building energy? We have a 2.5 yo and 9 month old, and after work I would really like to have more energy to play with them. I jog on the weekends and do quick yoga routines a couple mornings a week, but I am physically exhausted by the end of the day most days – is there a particular kind of exercise that would help me have more energy? Thank you!

    1. No, but I was similarly exhausted and it turned out that I was anemic once I got my period back. So I went to Five Guys (and did better with other choices) and it was amazing what having enough iron did for for my energy level. Now I give blood on the regular to help reinforce good habits and have a bit of monitoring of my iron levels.

       1. ha! I was an avid blood donor for years but for the past 2ish years my iron levels have been too low to donate. So, now I assume whenever I’m exhausted it’s because of my iron and I treat myself to a cheesesteak.

    2. No – with that level of exercise the issue is either nutrition (eg. not enough protein or low on B12) or sleep – are you getting 8 hrs a night?

    3. I’d get your bloodwork checked, and maybe look at what/how you’re eating and how long/how well you’re sleeping.

       I also think the life of a toddler, a baby, a FT job is exhausting so I think it’s more or less normal to be beat by the end of the day.

       1. Yes, the main solution to this is the children getting older. Good nutrition will help, but only to a point. I was exhausted all the time when my son was a toddler; when he started consistently sleeping through the night I was amazed at how much energy I had.

          1. +1000

          2. +1000. You don’t say your age but when I was 36 with a toddler I remember just being SO exhausted and thought, ah, this is why I was supposed to have them earlier. Sleep will do you better than exercise for energy. +1 to B vitamins.

    4. Maybe I’m weird, but I have always found that exercise builds my stamina, but only enough to maintain that level of exercise. Thus, I have tons of energy ONLY on days I don’t exercise. Exercising wears me out on the days I do it. So I don’t exercise on the weekend when I will need to be on my feet more doing chores, playing with kid, etc. I’m doing cardio-intensive stuff like jogging and weights/HIIT.

    5. I say this as someone who generally likes to exercise and is thankfully past the tiny kids phase: Exercise is super important for overall health and is a great stress reliever. But: It is really hard to gain energy through exercise when you’re constantly on, both physically and mentally. What helped me most is building in short little breaks, like sitting the daycare parking lot for five minutes to just close my eyes and relax before picking up my kids. The other posters have good suggestions about nutrition, but also, remember that you’re in a certain phase of life that is associated with deep tiredness.

    6. Thanks all… I guess my hope that something like “add lifting weights for 5 min a day and you will be a whole new woman” was possible was way off target. :) I appreciate the feedback – my sleep is actually pretty good but my nutrition could probably be better. I will ask my PCP about bloodwork but realize it might just be life with young ones. Thank you!

       1. Getting a sleep tracker–I use WHOOP–was a huge game changer. I got it because I’m in biglaw and don’t sleep as much as I really should, so I’m all about maximizing my sleep. Sleeping 7 hours =/= 7 hours of rest.

          For ex., eating sugar and looking at my phone for a bit before bed turn 6 hours of sleep into 3/4 of deep sleep vs. 5 hours of sleep after reading a non-fiction book + no sugar + eating at least 3 hours before bed = almost 98% sleep efficiency.

          As a gym rat, this was truly a game changer. More than any other training I’ve done! Not all sleep is the same.

    7. What kind of exercise? Sleep. What time? 8 hours uninterrupted.

    8. Check out MommaStrong – 5-15 minutes a day is better than nothing. I really like it.

    9. Sleep. 8 hour reps daily.

11. A reminder to do the thing – I submitted a job application (6 days before the closing date!) and now get to put it out of my mind.

    1. Yay congrats and best of luck!

    2. Congratulations!

       I did the thing today too: I RSVP’s to my childhood best friend’s baby shower, and immediately after that, I went to the registry to buy a gift. I usually procrastinate and then scramble at the last minute, but not this time!

12. (Reposting bc quiet weekend) I’ve been interested for awhile in documenting my family’s history. I have a pretty terrible memory and want to start getting stories written down, identifying people in photos, etc before those memories are lost. Any suggestions on how to get started? Any concerns about the major websites from a privacy / selling your data perspective?

    1. I’m not aware of any websites just for photos and oral history, but I’ve used Ancestry since the early 2000s, including for those uses, and can speak to it.

       Pros: it honestly does have the biggest databases and sources around; its interface is fairly straightforward; because it has millions of users, you’ll discover cousins all over the country – and those cousins might have uploaded photos and stories of their own.

       Cons: user-built family trees are riddled with errors and you have to be very careful before importing relationships into your tree; the “hints” feature frequently returns hints for people who are clearly not your ancestors (e.g., you’ve filled in all the details about your great aunt Jane who lived and died in a 50 mile radius in Oklahoma, and Ancestry suggests this other Jane in Australia), which greatly contributes to con #1 for inexperienced users.

       As far as privacy, minimal information is available about living people, and I believe it’s still Ancestry’s default that if you mark someone living, they aren’t visible to anyone other than you. For deceased people, I don’t personally care if you know that my great-grandfather had a brother William and another brother Charles, but I also believe you can choose to totally lock down your tree, making it completely private.

       It’s easy to type up oral histories in the site and “tag” the ancestors involved. Ditto for uploading photos.

       Happy to answer any other Qs.

    2. I too am a genealogy buff and have used ancestry for a number of years. It’s really the big software in the space so if you want to go that route, that’s what you would use. If you were this early in the process though, I would just start writing things down in a word document and figure out the software later. You just want to be meticulous in your recordkeeping. I always note a source, I don’t change the information I get from that source Dash like it’s very common to have name misspellings and I will leave them in place in my records because that misspelling may be a clue to something else later. I saved copies of all of my sources to my own computer. I also have an uploaded my research to ancestry, although some of my relatives have. I have spent an off a lot of time compiling the data and I don’t just feel like giving it away to anyone. And I verify everybody else’s information. I assume if it’s not sourced, it’s not real

    3. Your public library might have a subscription to a genealogy program like Ancestry, and they also might have a club or meetings where members can show you the ropes.

    4. This company does that, but you work with someone specifically. Don’t know if they do it remotely or whatnot, because I know their writers interview you: https://www.raconteurwriting.com/

    5. Storyworth can be a good gift but requires a lot of work for the giftee. But the prompts might be good.

13. Law ladies, I think I know that the answer to this is “never, unless they make it free,” but is there any circumstance where you’d go to a law school in the USNWR buckets of law schools in the bottom quarter (sort of 150-200ish)? And it’s about 60K+/year? And not in an area where that is the only option (and the person is not limited by family or kids or anything)? The thinking is “I just need to go somewhere to be a lawyer and just want to be a prosecutor” and I feel like these schools don’t meaningfully get kids jobs, so you are just going to be left with 3 years of not working + 180K of student loans to pay back probably on a job that isn’t JD-required.

    1. Correct.

       My then 4th now 3rd tier law school places tons of people in prosecutor jobs, but I wouldn’t recommend it for that job path (or any really) unless it was free. It’s a very strong regional school, but otherwise, no one has heard of it.

    2. Aren’t prosecutor jobs very competitive? I’m not in criminal law but I have a vague understanding that prosecutors tend to have good resumes. I would encourage a prospective law student to find out more about the qualifications of people in the field and geography they want to work in. Where do they recruit from? Are particular clerkship or fellowships or other opportunities preferred? Can the specific law school they’re looking at serve as a launching pad to where they want to end up?

       In general, below the ~100 mark, you have to look at the individual school. It’s not a uniform group. Some schools are well regarded locally but that doesn’t line up with their rank.

       1. Former AUSA here and yes, most fed prosecutor jobs are extraordinarily competitive. However, I now live in a small city where the DA’s office draws heavily from the local law school (ranked about where this OP is discussing, third or fourth tier). DA’s offices often pay less too, so there’s that to consider, even assuming you can get the job.

       2. I’m a prosecutor in a major Northeast city and we are more interested in demonstrated commitment to criminal law via clinics and internships than school rankings. We hire from a lot of local schools, but our local schools are all decently ranked. We tend to be much less snobby than law firms regarding grades and journals but we care much more about courtroom presence and ability to think on your feet.

    3. I knew I wanted to be a prosecutor so I went to a state school in the top 30 that gave me a substantial scholarship. Why on earth would anyone pay a ton of money in order to get a job that we all know doesn’t pay much? I love prosecuting but would not be able to pay back tons of student debt on my salary.

    4. The only situation in which I would possibly consider this is if my family had a law firm that I planned to join but even then it’s risky. If you don’t like that type of law or have a falling out with your family it’s going to be very hard to get another job.
       Most people don’t like being prosecutors or can’t afford the low pay and leave within 2-3 years. I wouldn’t bet on that as a ice time career, and same problem-will be hard to get another job.

    5. Never. Prosecution jobs (I am assuming they mean local, like an assistant district attorney) pay dismal. Why would you take out 180k plus for a job that pays 30k a year. Look for a highly ranked regional school with a pipeline to that work but never commit to the full price. If you can’t get a scholarship for those level schools than law school should not be for you.

    6. Definitely don’t do this, even if it is free. I live in a small Midwestern area. The prosecutors in town went to the same law schools as the firm people. The people who go to the bottom tier schools have a hard time getting a job anywhere doing anything.

       When someone wants to go to law school, my advice is the practice the LSAT as much as humanly possible to get a high score, even if it means delaying your plans by months or a year. That will get you scholarship money at a better law school.

    7. Correct. You also have to look at the bar passage rates: many of those students do not pass the bar the first try and many never pass it at all. It’s not necessarily that the school does a bad job of teaching law; it might be far more focused on black-letter law than its higher-ranked counterparts. The issue is that the school admits students who are not capable of passing the bar, and if you’re a student who is just scraping by to get in (i.e. they aren’t flinging money at you), you have to seriously ask if you’re capable of passing the bar.

       If you have a hard time getting into law school, IMHO, it’s extremely important to ask why. Is it because you’re bound and determined to work in Chicago and feel that UChicago and Northwestern are your best options, and those are hard schools to get into? Did you have a bad year in college that tanked your GPA but otherwise, you’re a strong and capable student? Are you first generation and don’t know the first thing about how to go about applying to law schools, researching your options, getting set up on LSAC, etc? Or, are your struggles to get into law school indicative of future struggles to succeed once there and pass the bar once you graduate?

       1. Oh, yikes, I hadn’t thought of that. The bar is a pass-fail exam on known topics. While some people aren’t good test takers, you don’t have to ace it, you just need to pass.

          I remember Charlotte Law folding and IIRC this was a big issue with that school. [It was lovely in theory — major city with no local law school, lots of people who would have loved to do a JD, especially part time (like probation officer learning law to some day work as a magistrate or prosecutor or public defender, not the s*xiest of jobs, but jobs that society really needs people for).]

          1. It was, re Charlotte law. It had an abysmal pass rate toward the end (among other problems).

    8. Check out “Don’t be a lawyer” from crazy ex girlfriend on youtube.

    9. My information is dated, but a good friend went to a school in the 150-200 range. He ranked in the top 5 of his class and was one of only 3 people to have a job secured as of graduation (where my class had like an 80% placement rate at graduation). Friend moved to the middle of nowhere 500+ miles from family to take said job. Turns out he loves the middle of nowhere and created a very successful practice. But no, your hypothetical sounds like a terrible investment.

    10. One thing I’d worry about is just being at the school (unless your resume shouts “full ride scholarship and I was living here anyway and don’t want to leave the region”) telegraphs that you fundamentally don’t get how legal job hiring goes (firms and governments and companies hire from the area (generally) and having a good alumni network is sort of also why you pay to go to school A and not school B). The second point explains why people pay $$$ to go to HYS, but not a smaller school where they can’t likely place you and the highly-placed decision-makers likely went to other schools (and themselves avoided the lower-ranked school). Unless you are taking over the family firm and aren’t worried about the school telegraphing “I had no better options and make bad decisions,” I’d never go. [Or you could be first in your class there and then realize that without an LLM, no one will hire you; you’ll be another 100K+ in debt and praying that you like tax law or estate planning.]

        1. So anecdata counterpoint, my low ranked alma mater is extremely strong regionally and the alumni network here is amazing. I’ve had six jobs since graduation 13 years ago (on purpose) and I’ve never once had to go in cold. I also consider myself to be a great connector and regularly connect new grads with alumni – the alumni are with extremely rate exception, always happy to help, as are our facutly. BUT, as someone said above, this differs so much by school so you HAVE to know what you are getting into.

           Still do not recommend though!

    11. This is a weird question. You clearly know the answer. Are you just judging someone else?

        1. I think we know the right answer. BUT there are students at all these schools despite it. Maybe there is more to the story (or to their stories)? I guess everyone could think that they will be the exception and that you can’t get a job starting at 190K without going to law school first, so you rely on your charm and hustle and presence to overcome your school’s reputation. You don’t need to go with the flow, you can be the lead salmon swimming upstream. If you’ve always been told you can be anything, you just need the J.D., no matter where it’s from.

           [Until the misery of a job paying 50K and school debt of 200K stares you in the face and you wonder why people didn’t do you the favor of crushing your dream before it crushes you.]

           1. Charitable interpretation of the OP’s question: those schools manage to get plenty of people to pay $60k/year, and when a lot of people do something that seems foolish, it is worthwhile to ask why. Are they guaranteed a job at a family firm? Counting on loan forgiveness to repay the loans after ten years in the DA’s office? Hanging out shingles and happy? Working for state court judges as clerks and happy?

              Alternately, it’s a really terrible plan but the schools are good enough at snowing the students into attending that they don’t listen to voices of wisdom.

           2. I think you are giving a lot more credit to the thought process of some of these students than they deserve. Not many people I went to law school thought about it this much other than the evening division students or students who had already worked a while in another career.

    12. Being a prosecutor is a hard and often competitive job. Where I live you sometimes have to be politically connected to even get a job. No, you should not pay 60k a year to go to a fourth tier school where you will have limited options and may have trouble passing the bar. You don’t need to go to a top 15 school. You should go to your in state law school where you will pay a reasonable price, study hard, get involved in internships and clinics that a prosecutor’s office would find valuable. And either try to get a job as a prosecutor or do something else. But either way you’ll have obtained a normally priced, school that employers will consider.

        1. At some point, I think that even T50 schools let in kids to fill out a class. It is hard being in the bottom half of a T50 school. My law school was T25 when I went there and it was a struggle even for the kids on law review to get good BigLaw jobs (largely wanted to help pay off loans, not wanted otherwise). I can’t imagine how it is if you go to somewhere like . . . a secular version of Regent Law and don’t want to be in Va Beach. But if schools have academically generous admissions standards, you wonder how many marginal applicants are in there, what the bottom half of the class looks like on paper, and how they feel once they figure out that they’ve been sold a bill of goods. I couldn’t live with that on my soul if I worked at a school like that — how do you not know what you’re doing? Failing the bar = likely defaulting on your loans, wrecking your credit, and being unable to do things like rent an apartment.

           1. FWIW, Regent is about $100k total in tuition; if you go part-time and use your job’s earnings to pay for your living expenses and books, maybe throwing a bit towards tuition, it’s not entirely a bad idea. Rent a place with two other people, split the rent and utilities three ways, live frugally, and take all of the proceeds from your job to reduce your loans for tuition. Four years after enrolling, you’re four more years further along in your career than you were before law school. If you can’t get a legal job, it’s not the end of the world. Maybe your current job will give you a small bump or a path to promotion because of the JD. You have high five figures of student loan debt, and maybe it’s sucky to pay it off, but it’s not impossible.

              IMHO, the real problem is when you go full-time – you’re not advancing in your career, you’re taking out loans for living expenses, and the JD is sometimes a hindrance to getting hired in non-legal jobs (“Why don’t you want to be a lawyer?”).

14. How do you maintain a positive outlook when things go wrong? I’m recently married and a lot went wrong leading up to our wedding and then during our honeymoon. I would rate these things ranging from a 5-8 between don’t sweat the small stuff (at a 1) and the entire thing is canceled (at a 10). My new husband is unfailingly upbeat. He recognizes all the bad stuff but chooses to focus on the good things. How can I be more like him? I want to look back on this time fondly, but I’m still frustrated and disappointed and angry. I’m going to write honest reviews of the relevant businesses so others are aware of our experiences, maybe that can be cathartic? I’ve been putting it off because I’m still angry and I’m trying to not dwell – the not dwelling part isn’t going very well, clearly. How do you let go of anger and choose joy?

    1. Is dwelling on it going to help or change anything? Go ahead and write the reviews because that is a specific action you can take and it will be helpful for others.

       But then you just need to make a choice to not dwell on things. Focus on your relationship with your husband and all the things you have to look forward to together. Maybe start a gratitude journal to document the good things in your life so you’re forced to focus on the positive.

       1. Also, think about it if the roles were reversed. Do you want to be around someone who is constantly feeling frustrated and angry? It’s certainly normal to feel that from time to time, but it can be draining to be around someone who is always negative.

          1. This is something I think about a lot, as I was definitely more negative than I think I realized when I was younger and I’m sure that pushed people away in hindsight, so it’s something I’m working on. I’ve also spent time with people who, as you said, are always frustrating and angry, I realized I could only handle them in small doses, and then realized “oh no, am I that person??”

             I don’t want to be that person.

          2. I was married to an always mad about something guy. He was exhausting, the marriage was exhausting, and I’m so glad it’s over and he’s not raining on my parade every single day. Don’t be that guy! Do the reviews if you think they are something you would have found helpful, for the purpose of other people finding them helpful, and not just for the purpose of venting. And then forget about it and enjoy the start of this phase of your life. It will be much better if you are fully present for it and not 30% always seething in the background about The Thing.

       2. This. It’s an active choice in front of you – dwell and be angry, or let it go and be happy you just married your person. I’d also give a lot of grace to businesses after the last year, everyone is still struggling and I wouldn’t want to contribute to a misery loop.

    2. Who did most of the wedding planning? If it’s you, of course you’re a million times more frustrated than your husband! From his perspective, he’s seeing a bunch of things that went wrong but an event that came off beautifully anyway. You’re seeing months or years of work constantly getting derailed, fires being put out, more things catching on fire (hopefully only metaphorically), constant unneeded stress, endless restructuring of plans so the event can actually happen, and, at the end, you probably wonder if it was all worth it.

       1. +1 I don’t think it’s as easy as “just be happy like your husband is.” Has he acknowledged any of the frustration you feel, or is he just constantly, unfailingly happy?

    3. No advice but I am dying to know what happened. Sorry it didn’t go as you planned, that’s frustrating.

       Fwiw, I felt a certain amount of post-wedding letdown just because so much planning and money went into it and then it was over so fast. Could that be part of what you’re feeling? Maybe you need a new project or something to look forward to that you can focus on?

    4. Several times I’ve written out scathing reviews that I don’t end up posting. Sometimes just dumping the words out onto the computer screen is therapeutic, and once the words are out I feel better and don’t need to post it.

       Beyond that, it’s helpful for me to remember that no matter how much I ruminate and replay and pick over the details of something, what happened happened and I can’t change it now. I try to focus on what lessons I can learn for the next time (i.e., probably should pay attention to what’s in the negative reviews instead of just reading the positive ones) and apply the know better/do better principle. Then move on. When you get your wedding photos back it may help, as the photos usually focus on the best aspects of the day and the wonderful moments that happened and not what went wrong (that only you may be aware of). Also good to maintain awareness, always, that nothing in life is perfect or goes perfectly according to plan, and if the end result was what you wanted (you got married to what sounds like a great guy), maybe focus on the result and not the process.

    5. Are you talking about things that went wrong with vendors for your wedding and honeymoon? Have you really dug down and figured out why these things are bothering you so much? When something really sticks in my craw, it almost always boils down to me not feeling respected. Disrespect doesn’t quite fit a wedding vendor scenario, but maybe your trigger is something else. (Embarrassment? Looking foolish in front of others because something didn’t go as planned?)

       1. Yeah you and someone below hit the nail on the head – I felt very disrespected, which grinds my gears even more because I spent a lot of money on this shindig. For example, 3 days before my wedding, they sent me another final invoice for thousands of dollars more than the budget, only days after I received and paid what was called a final invoice, and when I asked for an explanation, they called me at 6 am to chastise me about my tone (??), and threatened to cancel my wedding if I didnt pay the same day, while still not explaining the extra charges.

          I also felt let down by my wedding planner, not only because she was too busy to help as much as I’d hoped, but she gaslit me with this “ohhh it’s been a hard year in the industry” nonsense. I understand it’s been a hard year. I understand they’re understaffed and miscommunications might happen. That is not an excuse for extortion. Don’t treat me like I’m a bridezilla complaining about napkin colors because I’m mad about this. I want everyone to get paid for their work, if they can explain the charges then I am happy to pay, but do not tell me I have to be gracious to someone who comes at me with threats instead of apologies.

          1. Please write a review of this vendor. This is more than a silly complaint.

             1. Yes, I am usually team “let it go” but that is insane! Can you report them to the BBB?

             2. +1, the vendor was out of line here and I think your frustration is warranted!

             3. Yeah, this is way worse than someone maybe returning phone calls late, or some other relatively minor annoyance. OP, I’d still be mad about this too, and would definitely write a review of the vendor.

             4. OTOH, why isn’t your husband bothered by the dual final invoices? I tend to let things roll (or accept that I don’t have the bandwidth to fight every battle), but why would HE be OK with this? It’s his $, too. Are you carrying the emotional labor for the two of you? I’d ask HIM to write this review.

             5. +1 Anon @ 1:00 I think this is way more than “my husband is a positive person and I should try to be more like him.” There’s such a thing as too easy going and I disagree that it’s OP’s responsibility to be more like her husband than the other way around.

          2. Whoops meant to change that to OP, that was me! And thanks for the acknowledgement, Anon. It’s infuriating to not be taken seriously when you have legitimate complaints.

          3. Report that to your state’s AG and the BBB.

    6. I’m more like your husband and you are more like mine – so it’s the wrong person typing this advice. :)

       One thing that I think is important to remember that letting go of anything is a choice that one generally has to make many times. It comes across so flip and easy, but it’s a choice made over and over again. It gets easier after a while and eventually bad feelings stop popping up.

       Also, letting go of the task to write the reviews may help you disconnect from the businesses that let you down. You don’t owe anyone – including their future clients – anything. It isn’t your responsibility to make sure that what happened to you never happens again. A review just further ties you to the people who disappointed you and those memories. Perhaps it would be cathartic, but perhaps letting go that task might be too? Just a thought.

       1. “Also, letting go of the task to write the reviews may help you disconnect from the businesses that let you down. You don’t owe anyone – including their future clients – anything. It isn’t your responsibility to make sure that what happened to you never happens again. A review just further ties you to the people who disappointed you and those memories.”

          This is a great perspective, and great advice. I will remember this for the future, and also pass this along to one of my friends, who IMO ends up kind of “re-victimizing” herself emotionally when she insists on writing reviews of businesses she’s had disappointing experiences with.

    7. When I’m disappointed with one part of my life I lean hard into enjoying other parts. For example, my job is miserable right now so I’m choosing new fitness challenges to focus on for fun. Likewise, when looking back at your wedding day I’d try to focus on the positives (even if they’re aren’t many, they’re still there!) and eventually, over time, you’ll feel less negative about what went wrong.

       Is there anything that was done by vendors/venue/etc. that was egregious enough you might get some money back? I’m pretty frugal, so I feel regret/guilty when I spend a lot of money on something, especially if it doesn’t live up to expectations. If I were in your position, I know I’d feel terrible knowing I spent money on a wedding and it didn’t live up to expectations. I’d ask for partial refunds from those at fault, if possible.

    8. You don’t have to write reviews. You can just take that off of the lists of tasks.

       Look at it this way: if you leave a “bad” review, the business may counter. How will you feel when you see that? Will it spiral? Better to walk away now with less invested in it. I feel like these people are living rent-free inside your head. Maybe it’s time to evict them and move forward?

    9. You know, I’m a “let me have my negative emotions” person married to a “think positive” person, and I honestly just sometimes have to have my anger first before I can even think about joy. I’ve recognized this about myself and I do my best to not take it out on my husband. I push myself in a workout or I go for a long walk or drive alone or I treat myself to something yummy or I scribble an angry journal entry, depending on what I feel like I need, and I get as angry as I want while I do this. And then I can usually go back to my husband and be a human instead of Oscar the Grouch again.

       1. Sorry — I meant to add that this might just be a moment for realizing that you are wired differently than your husband and your feelings are okay to have.

       2. Same here. After a childhood where no negative emotion was ever allowed and my feelings were invalidated constantly, if I want to be angry for a day, I’m going to. Feel your feelings, OP, and don’t let anyone try to stop you.

          1. Hi, sister. We had the same childhood. The ironic result is that I absolutely need to have negative emotions because the “repress negative emotions” mechanism is permanently broken from overuse.

       3. I just had a conversation with someone about an “angry clean” regarding housekeeping and then this comment made me realize that i feel much better if I channel my negative emotions into something that I can turn into a feeling of personal accomplishment afterwards — it’s easier to let go the original emotions.

15. I’m in government relations in DC right now and want to leave my (toxic) workplace within the next year. I’ve been successful at my current in-house position and am confident in the skills and experience I bring to the table. I am on the younger side for the level of job I’d be applying for (late 20s) but am willing to take a “demotion” at the right place since titles aren’t the end all be all.

    Unfortunately, I moved back to DC for this job during Covid so I haven’t been able to develop many professional connections of my own. My current GR connections are in some way tied back to my current role (outside firms we retain, a connection who is an acquaintance of my boss…). Any tips on drafting a LinkedIn message asking for coffee or lunch? I’m not looking to meet with people to ask for a job, I just genuinely don’t know what to expect next, what roles at different places look like, how to come into an interview knowing my worth, etc etc etc. Or, are there any events coming back in person as the city opens up? Thank you!

    1. I replied on your previous post. Also in GR in DC. I recommended Brad Traverse (.com) and still do – it’s the best site out there for jobs in this city.

       You might get something out of Women in Government Relations if your firm will pay for it. Invariably their fall conference falls right when I’ve got bills moving through and I can barely attend half of it, but I enjoy what I can attend of it. (Not sure if they’ve announced plans yet for this fall.) WGR does have a mentoring track, but I don’t know much about it. There’s also the Advocacy Association for younger lobbyists, but they’re still 100% virtual I think.

       If you want to post a burner email, I’m happy to talk to you!

       1. Oh thank you! I didn’t know that posted….I had some issues with the site. Sorry for the duplicate post, all!

       2. just made one – govrel123@gmail.com. would love to chat.

    2. Can you use the post-covid reopening as a hook, especially if you’ve only worked with these folks virtually since you started the job? “Hey, now that we’re back to the office, would love to connect in person. Let’s grab coffee…..”.

    3. I am not the right person, but could potentially help get you connected to the GR people at my company who work in DC and would be a GREAT network. They also have a position open right now, but it may be a big demotion for you. Can you post a burner email?

       1. thank you for the offer! govrel123@gmail.com :)

    4. I would recommend WGR, too. I’ve been involved for many years and have found it a great way to expand my network and make friendships with other women who get it. Many mid-level and senior women will be happy to chat if you connect via WGR and I’ve found the staff excellent at helping to make connections for people looking for a certain job. Do post a burner email; I’m happy to chat, too. DC is still such an old boys club and I’m always happy to help younger women make their way through it.

    5. 131 and Counting and the DC Women’s Bar Association may also be good networks for you. Good luck! As for LinkedIn or other message, I’d keep it simple. The key is if people agree to chat or meet, to actually have questions so they feel flattered and you don’t waste their time. I often ask if someone wants to grab coffee or breakfast rather than lunch; both are shorter than a lunch and often more convenient for people with kids who are trying to get out of the office at the end of the day. Sometimes I’ll suggest a walking meeting (some people love that and it generates really good conversation).

16. Looking for recommendations for cross training sneakers! Looking for something I could wear for tennis, racquetball, and rec league soccer.

17. Is anyone else just flat-out exhausted from returning to normal life? Don’t get me wrong; I am grateful for a return to semi-normalcy. But we’re running around a lot more again (because that’s summer with school-age kids), are being a lot more social, and I am running on fumes today, despite having a lot of fun over the weekend. And work is insane right now, after a year of projects put on hold and now being revived. Clearly, I need to build some more downtime into my schedule, which is hard when it’s SUMMER and I want to do all the things.

    1. I had one work event last week and had to be “on” – making small talk, in heels and a dress – for four hours and nearly died. I was a total zombie the next day. I have no idea how I ever did “normal” life or how I’ll ever really go back to it!

    2. yeah I”m exhausted and constantly feeling like I”m running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but I’m so happy to be back to real life!

       Summer is hard because all of my favorite activities are in the summer so I’m just go go go. I figure I can sleep when I’m dead, or in the winter!

       I will say though – the pandemic turned me into an introvert and I struggle with being “on” for more than a few hours at a go. I think this will reverse itself as I re-acclimate, but it’s a struggle now.

    3. I went through several weeks May-June where I had a social, work or volunteering-related event every single week, sometimes multiple in a week, plus I have resumed business travel, plus I traveled to see friends I hadn’t seen in close to five years. I feel like when things started opening back up, we went from 0 to 60 really, really fast. Every friend I have wanted to get together; every professional association I belong to started having in-person events, and all my volunteer groups shifted meetings from online to in-person. It was a lot. But I brought it on myself by saying “yes” to too much. I totally get where you’re coming from about “it’s summer and I want to do all the things” – same, girl, same. But doing all the things is not going to leave me with enough energy to be good at what I need and want to be good at. So, I’m stepping back and being more choosy about what I agree to. Pool time at our club with my family? Yes. Social hour with people I just saw at “social hour” three weeks ago? No. I don’t need to be everywhere and do it all right now; I gotta carve out some time to just chill on the couch with a book because that’s what feeds me emotionally, and what I want and need also matters.

    4. My big lasting change is that my family simply no longer spends all weekend running around. It’s not a requirement! We spent most of the long weekend hanging at the pool, went to a friends’ bbq, and that’s it.

    5. Yes totally.

18. Is anyone aware of a barefoot dreams blanket dupe? They seem super expensive to me, can anyone comment if it’s worth it? In need of a large soft blanket for the living room that will hold up decently to machine washing.

    1. Look at the Nordstrom Bliss Plush Throw. It’s not a dupe for the BF dreams blanket (which I also have), but it is really soft, reasonably priced, and has held up well in the wash.

       1. I like the Bliss throw much better than Barefoot Dreams. It doesn’t shed or pill and lasts forever. It’s not large, though.

    2. I have a BF dreams blanket and it’s nice, but not significantly nicer than any of my other fleecey blankets.

    3. Is it just like a fancy chenille blanket? I feel like you can find those at Costco or Target or the like.

    4. Budget Babe posted about some at Walmart — and I think you can find them at like TJ Maxx or whatever sometimes too.

19. Does anyone else get cold sores/fever blisters without the “tingling” sensation or any kind of prodromal symptoms? I don’t know I’m developing a sore until I see it in the mirror; the cold sores don’t even start hurting until the blisters are pretty well developed. That makes taking Valtrex and using Abreva less effective, as both meds are designed to target the virus before blisters develop. I sometimes get a “tingling” sensation on my lip but it’s never connected to development of the blisters; I will have it weeks before a sore appears and then the blisters appear in a completely different place than the tingling. I still have decent luck with Valtrex and Abreva in that I don’t end up with the open, crusted sores that I used to have before those meds came along, but would still like to just not have blisters at all if possible. I have figured out that sun exposure causes cold sores for me and have some SPF 45 lip balm I use, but it doesn’t seem to prevent them all the time.

    1. Sort of. I have hypocapnia so my face and lips are very tingly all the time anyway. I use lysine if I start to see a cold sore pop up.

    2. This happens to me sometimes, unfortunately. I try to go ahead and take the Valtrex if I see even just a tiny bump emerge and find that it usually stays small enough that no one but me will notice it. Like you, I appreciate that I no longer have to deal with the large open sores on my lips, but I wish I could always head them off before they emerge!

    3. I’m still working on identifying the “tingle” too since I get them infrequently. I tend to over-take Valtrex if I’m feeling iffy about a potential one, rather than underdo it. And I trust my gut. Last time I felt stressed (my trigger), I woke up with barely a shadow on my lip, no tingle no bump, but I took the meds just in case, good thing because within an hour I had a tiny blister and then it went through all the stages and was gone after a day. I felt like an Abreva commercial. Listen to your body.

20. I’ve got an appointment with an RE next week, and I’m feeling a little lost. Backstory – late 30s, trying for a 8 months, 3 chemical pregnancies. Anything you wish you had asked in your first fertility appointment? From talking to friends, it sounds like we may be pushed to pursue IVF right off the bat. I’m not opposed to IVF, but it is really scary to me.

    1. Ask how to ask follow up questions! You won’t think of everything at the time and should know how to call/email/message a nurse.

    2. You probably will not be pushed into IVF right away! But can you try to identify what it is about IVF that scares you?

    3. I have two contradictory takes on this:

       Depending on where in your late 30s you are, you may be “pushed” to try IVF immediately because IVF works better the younger you are. Unless you’re going the donor egg and surrogate route, there’s an open question of how much time you have left to do IVF. Are you 35 or 39?

       That said, if your RE cannot determine why you have had three chemical pregnancies, IVF will just mean a very expensive and physically difficult chemical pregnancy. Have your hormones checked; imbalances can make it hard to sustain a pregnancy. Figure out why there are three chemical pregnancies before proceeding to IVF.

       1. +1, this is good advice, especially the part about being 35 v 39. I went to my RE at 39 and did two IUIs and then went straight to IVF (in part also because we wanted more than one child, so IVF offers the chance to get multiple embryos). So if you are on the later side of “late 30s” I would recommend more aggressive measures earlier on. Also, IVF is really not that scary (I did three cycles to get my two kids). It’s uncomfortable, yes, and there are a fair number of shots, blood draws, and ultrasounds, but it also goes relatively fast and if it works, you are pretty much treated like any other AMA pregnant woman once you get released from your RE.

    4. The RE is going to want to do exploratory testing/procedures before going down any path of treatment. I would seek to understand the various tests that need to be done, ask questions about timelines, etc. I’d also ask about insurance coverage. Ask to speak to the finance person and make sure you have a clear understanding about what is and isn’t covered.

       I’m neck deep in IVF myself right now, nearly at the two year mark, and had a chemical pregnancy just last week from my most recent frozen embryo transfer, so you have my deepest sympathies. It’s a lonely, isolating process from start to finish. Where are you located? Wonder if anyone on the board (myself included) might be able to connect live/offline to answer questions you have or make personal recommendations based on experiences. I’m in Boston.

    5. Oh, good luck! I was in your shoes a year and a half ago, and the first appointment felt a bit scary, but I left (well, signed out of the Zoom appointment) with a sense of relief that I could *finally* start trying some serious interventions. I would ask for an outline of what tests you’ll be expected to do before starting treatment. It tends to be fairly extensive and it can feel like awhile before you actively begin any treatments. For me, a big focus of the initial appointment was getting a feel for the doctor and her demeanor so I could decide if I wanted to look for another doctor. I ended up loving her, but would have changed doctors in a heartbeat if it didn’t feel like it clicked. It’s an emotionally difficult process and I didn’t want to have to be in the hands of anyone I didn’t feel I could trust.

    6. … and as for your fears about IVF, I TOTALLY get it. My doctor initially advised trying 3 medicated IUIs before going to IVF. After the first two, my insurance approved moving forward with IVF and so I did, because I was 35 and IUIs don’t have a super high success rate. After reading about many people’s experiences with IUIs and seeing how many regretted continuing with IUIs for as long as they did, I’m glad I moved on to IVF. From what I understand, the success rate of IUIs tends to plateau off after a couple of rounds, while IVF has a significantly higher success rate.

       I was relatively scared of the IVF process before beginning it (it felt like admitting there was really something wrong and I really, really hated needles!), but I will say that for me, the emotional side and unknown timeline of infertility/IVF were far harder on me than the physical demands on my body. And you’ll be going through the emotional aspects of infertility no matter what treatments you pursue.

       Throughout the process, I really tried to focus on the current moment and treatments and not entertain too many of the “what ifs”, as hard as it was. I was doing what I could with what I had. I also found it beneficial to step away from the internet once I’d found the information I needed (much easier said than done!).

       1. Thank you so much!

       2. I’ve been thinking of you, Aunt Jamesina, and wishing you well on this hard journey.

          1. Thank you :-)

    7. Sorry to hear about your difficultly. I found fertility to be a really weird specialty. I went to a huge practice that was basically a conveyer belt and I had to make sure to advocate for myself to get explanations for everything because some days they were just going through motions trying to get all the patients in. We were not pressured to go straight to IVF although it was an option. We did a natural cycle first that involved a full blood panel and then checking hormones, ovulation, and cervical mucus to make sure everything was ok (are you actually ovulating, lining thickness, no cysts, thyroid not out of whack, pcos check, cysts, etc) as well as a sperm test, then they monitor progesterone after ovulation to see if you need a supplement. Then a procedure to check fallopian tubes. Then clomid. Then they move on to IUI and IVF. It is my understanding that this is a fairly common approach.

       They should lay out the typical treatment path at the first appointment and if not definitely ask. If you have any individual concerns (weird periods, history of thyroid issues, you’re a marathon runner, etc) definitely bring it up. You will want to make sure it’s easy to get to the office, and that you have a doctor that does not work at a second office that is inconvenient for you. You may also want to ask about labs – they may have an on-site lab for most things.

       1. I have a long reply stuck in moderation.

    8. I think it’s sort of helpful to know going in how you feel about things. Our doctor talked with us about the basic options, then ordered tests for us. Our tests showed there was nothing medically wrong with either of us, which wasn’t something we had really expected. So we were all the more stunned when – in the same breath she said there was nothing wrong with us – she recommended IVF. That felt like a big leap for people without medical problems. The $17k per round price tag without insurance coverage was a big leap, too. We ended up pursuing adoption because having our own genetic child wasn’t important to us. I also have depression and was worried about the effects of fertility treatment and pregnancy hormones on me and the effects of my medication on a baby.

       1. It’s not a big leap. Most infertility is unexplained.

       2. For the OP’s benefit (because I REALLY wish I had known this beforehand), it’s quite common for “nothing wrong” to be found after testing, which is actually diagnosed as unexplained infertility. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there isn’t anything medically wrong, it just means that they can’t figure out what the underlying problem is.

          Anon at 1:21 I really hope your doctor didn’t phrase it that way, because that’s super misleading. Also extremely disappointing your doctor immediately jumped to IVF, yikes!

    9. You should request recurrent pregnancy loss testing. I had it done after two early miscarriages, including one of a perfectly graded embryo. It revealed autoimmune issues- my body was killing the embryos. Also ask how the office will communicate with you and vice verse

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