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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: The ReWool Double-Breasted Blazer

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A woman wearing a brown houndstooth blazer, a black top, and gray pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve been seeing a lot of very cool girls in very slouchy blazers these days, and this double-breasted number from Everlane was the most work-appropriate one I could find. The model has it styled with some wider-leg pants, but for the office, I’d probably try to keep the rest of the outfit as slim-fitting as possible. We’ll save the off-duty model look for the weekend.

The blazer is $268 at Everlane and comes in sizes 00–16. It also comes in navy with a bone-colored pinstripe.

On the more affordable side are blazers from Madewell (S–L; $178 at Zappos) and Eloquii (14–28; $83.97 on sale).

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

354 Comments

  1. What are common amounts of vacation for a “good” job these days? I worked for a well-respected company for 15years before moving overseas (with my company’s encouragement) for what was envisioned as a 5 year gig. When I left, new hires got 2.5 weeks a year, and old timers like me got 3 weeks of vacation a year, and my company had basically unlimited sick leave (after taking 10? days you needed a doctors note). Now it’s time for me to think about coming back, and I’ve learned that they’ve updated their policies and new hires (which would include me at this point), get 6 days (!) and no additional sick leave. I’m a bit in shock. Is this standard? I genuinely can’t figure out how to I would run my life with only 6 days of vacation a year (and family that all lives 5+ hours of plane travel away), particularly if that evaporates because I got the flu!

    1. I get 35 days and can WFH if under the weather and don’t want to use PTO, or need to tend a mildly ill family member, let a repair guy in, etc. No doctor’s notes (that is so infantilizing!), no side-eye for using my PTO.

        1. Where do you work!? I posted below being in higher ed with 25 days + separate sick time, and when I job-searched last year in the corporate world, I could not find anything comparable to my current time off, at least not until after 10+ years of service to the company. I would love to know the names of these magical companies that give 35 days + separate sick leave!

          1. This is essentially why I’ve stayed in higher ed, even though it’s turned into a dumpster fire in so many other ways.

    2. Can you negotiate back to what you were receiving when you left, if there was grandfathering for current employees when the new policies were implemented? Or negotiate credit for your prior 15 years?

      1. 6 days is insane (and sort of random? why not 5? depending on what you do i’m sure it varies but the cruel truth is that increasingly white collar employees get a fair amount of time and a fair amount of flexibility. i would not take a job that gave me less than 3 and i currently get 5.

    3. that is abominably low, like at least 4x too low, and I wouldn’t be willing to even consider the job.

      1. adding, if you really want to come back otherwise, I would negotiate as suggested above. But the way that signifies management views employees – esp. new hires – would give me pause about how the org would feel overall.

        1. Yeah,it’s really causing me to rethink things. I knew there had been a management change, but, I didn’t realize how much things had changed – I just don’t think 6 days a year is a reasonable way to treat people, and it makes me wonder what else has changed. Since I’ve been away from the US, I was also wondering – if this just life in the US now, or, is it my particular company? I will see I can negotiated for more, given my history, but, the whole thing leaves a sour taste in my mouth which is making me think about exploring other options. Thank you all for helping me know what is “US life” and what is “my former company has gotten stingy”.

          1. Even if you can negotiate more for yourself, think about what it would be like to work with colleagues who only get 6 days. My last company was acquired by a company that had very stingy PTO for the first year (though it was more than 6 days) — the caliber of employee they were able to recruit was unbelievably low.

          2. I don’t think this is common. It’s been a long time since I heard of a company offering less than 10 days – that can be combined vacation and sick, but it’s still 10 days, and not six. In my industry, it’s much more common to get 15 days minimum and then people bump up to an additional 2-5 days per year after every five years of service.

            I wouldn’t work for a company that gave me 6 days off a year, period. Life’s too short. I would be willing to give up quite a bit in salary and benefits to get extra PTO, because time off is so critical to my mental health and job satisfaction.

          3. Yeah I would even say 15 is the minimum rather than 10. 15 days combined PTO and sick seems reasonably common, at least for new hires, but anything less than that jumps out at me as wildly unreasonable. 6 days in insane!

      2. 100% this. I would never consider a job with such little leave. In addition to having way too little leave, it shows me that the company does not care about its employees and probably sucks on other fronts too.

      3. +1 – that signals to me the company is brutally out of touch and I’d want nothing to do with it.

    4. Don’t accept that offer. “I’m not a new employee so I will expect the same leave time I had when I left”

      1. I would say “that amount of time is brutally low for any employee, new or not, but I certainly couldn’t go back to it after what I had before. I’m afraid we don’t see eye to eye on a reasonable benefits package. Thanks!”

    5. That’s certainly not standard. IME, 3 weeks vacation + sick for new hires is “good”. 6 days (especially for a “professional job”) is abysmal.

      After working 2 places with one leave bank (so not separate sick), I decided I’d never do that again. I now refuse to apply to / interview with companies without separate sick leave. I would probably reconsider my rule if they offered a LOT of PTO (25+ days).Many companies now offer “unlimited PTO”; this can be great or terrible depending on company culture. I once interviewed for a position at a company with unlimited PTO and I asked what the team’s “norm” was in regards to PTO. The hiring manager told me he took 3 week-long vacations a year + sick time + one off days here and there. On the other hand, I have a friend at a company with unlimited PTO who is pretty much restricted to 2 weeks a year.

      I’m now in the onboarding process for the federal government. To start, I’ll get 13 sick days and 13 vacation days, but after 3 years I’ll get 20 days vacation and after 15 years I’ll get 26 days. My dad is a current fed (and has been for over 30 years) and he has so much vacation, I am jealous!! I also am excited to get every federal holiday off; my last job only gave 7 holidays so these “extra” days off will be nice!

      1. I agree with this based on my and my friends experiences. 3 weeks vacation + sick leave.
        I do have 24 days PTO and like 5 sick days

    6. I think in the US private sector, 15 days of vacation is pretty standard. If it’s combined with sick leave into one PTO bucket, you’d probably have a bit more, maybe 20-25 days. Your former employer’s current policy does seem incredibly stingy, but I agree you should be able to negotiate more since you’re not really a new hire. Also keep in mind that the world is a lot more remote work-friendly than it was in 2019, so some of your visits to family might not require using a lot of vacation time.

      I’m in higher ed and we have 25 days of vacation, a holiday shutdown and essentially unlimited sick leave, but this much time off seems very unusual in the US corporate world. And the generous benefits are one of the reasons they can get away with paying us like crap.

      1. My professional career has all been in academic medicine, and the 3 organizations I’ve worked for all gave around 5 weeks of vacation/personal time plus generous sick leave. I can’t imagine 6 days, all in! The employers with benefits like that are the same ones who say “people just don’t want to work anymore.” SMH.

        1. This is great! I have technically unlimited time off, but I have stringent work hour quotas which make all of the foregoing a mute point. How can I take time off if I have to do 7200 hours/year, not even including non-billeable CLE classes? FOOEY on that! I agree I am being compensated well for what I am doeing, but really? They should stop with the unlimited time off b/c in reality, I only take about 5 weeks off per year, not including firm days’ off. PTOOEY!

    7. I have landed in a few nutty work environments, and this is a massive red flag. It tells me that they either can’t staff their company properly (such that normal sick leave + vacation will overwhelm the office), or upper management are a bunch of jerks, and it will infiltrate to all levels within a few years.

    8. 20y work experience and I get 25days. Unlimited sick leave. Those with kids get a few extra days due to our country policy.

    9. Six days with no sick leave is bananas. And frankly punitive towards parents who will need time to tend to sick children. I would not, under any circumstances, take that leave package.

    10. That’s completely out of touch. My F50 company starts new hires at 3wks of vacation time and unlimited sick time, and a week of vacation is added for every 5yrs of service. At Senior Manager level & above, it’s unlimited PTO and you do indeed get to use it – I will use ~4wks this year.

      I’d run far far away from any place that wasnt offering at least 3wks of PTO.

      1. I have 15 days, but single bucket (no extra sick) and
        a – is lower than anyone else I know (tech), and a company that has a reputation for being stingy (there were other reasons I took the job)
        b – I’m almost never sick and don’t have kids and I /still/ notice a real quality of life hit, compared to past jobs with 4wks

        I would not even consider a company offering 6 days

      2. Also at F50. We get 20 days, plus bank holidays, plus 14 days of sick leave. I think you get 15 days at lower job grades, but all attorney hires start at 20. If you have more than 20 years of service, you get an additional 5 (and that policy applies uniformly, including to our C-suite officers). We also have additional sick time if you get COVID.

        1. Jealous! My F50 company gives 20 days PTO (combined sick and vacation), and 8 holidays (no Presidents, Indigenous Peoples, or Veterans day). We had additional COVID leave but that expired last year. I, of course, got COVID for the first time after this leave expired and had to burn 3 PTO days on COVID.

          Leave does not roll over at all, it all expires 12/31. Leave also accrues, though you can borrow leave before you’ve accrued it. We also need coverage every day in my unit, so you have to save enough PTO in case you get sick in November / December, but we also can’t all use it at the same time so I am burning 3 days in mid December this year because I don’t have the seniority to take off around Christmas / New Years.

          We also are in-office 4 days a week and will be going to 5 days in the new year.

          I am actively job searching and the pay + this PTO set up is why I am looking to leave. It’s bananas.

    11. I would never accept a job with only 6 days of PTO. That is way below “normal” for a professional job. In my first job out of school I got 2 weeks off. More recently, I went from a job with unlimited PTO but billable hours to one with a single bucket of PTO that I thought was generous, and I’m struggling to stay within my days off when factoring in illness, Dr appointments, kids school breaks, vacations and random days off relating to kids stuff. I currently have 25 days PTO with no separate sick time. I thought 5 weeks was generous, but when it’s all combined as a single bucket it feels much more stingy. Like I’ll work from home when sick and try to schedule Dr appointments very early or late in the day so I don’t have to burn my “vacation” time for health stuff. In hindsight, I would’ve negotiated for more PTO as I didn’t really understand the impact of the combined bucket.

    12. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Combined vacation and sick leave buckets punish the disabled, people with children, and people with more health needs. Those policies say that those people do not deserve as much vacation time (to relax, travel, enjoy life) as their healthier peers. I’m considering leaving my current job over it. I’ve drained days and days of my “vacation” for medical appointments and elder care.

      1. Even as a healthy person, I found it unnerving. I couldn’t tell you if I was going to stay healthy, so I banked all this leave and never took a vacation. That lead to burnout and… taking random leave here and there for sicknesses.

        2. Yes, as a relatively healthy person without kids I am still stressed about “saving” enough leave in case I do get sick. My company has a combined leave bank with no rollover so I save my days and then have to burn a bunch in December. And then if I want to take vacation or get sick in January I’m SOL because our leave also accrues…

          I hate it so much and it’s one of the reasons I”m job seraching!

        3. Yup, that’s where I’m at – I’m nervous to drain my PTO on a big vacation because I know I typically need plenty for sick time. Then I never take enough for sick time (I rushed back to work after a miscarriage, for one) because I don’t want to drain the little that’s left for vacation. My supervisor wants me to stay and grow into a leadership role in our small company but doesn’t hear me when I say this is a dealbreaker for me. I’m beginning to job search now.

    13. Thank you all so much! I think you’ve confirmed for me that this is indeed bananas, and, that I can find something better if I look. I’m glad this isn’t the reality of life in the USA for everyone, though I’m sad that it is reality for some people. I will tell them that this policy changed me from being 95% sure I would return to them, to, 95% sure I won’t. I know they really want me, so, hopefully they will hear the message and I can do a small thing to help improve leave policies. And now I will focus on exploring other options, where I will have enough leave time to visit my parents,potty train my kid, and maybe even catch a cold!

      1. Yeah if you have a kid still in diapers, separate PTO buckets is critical. Even with a generous time off policy, I would have barely been able to take vacations during the daycare years if sick leave hadn’t been separate. It gets better in elementary school but that’s a long way off for you, it sounds like.

      2. Good for you! Aside from your own leave, my other concern with this company would be my peers. There is NO way with that kind of policy they are able to recruit top talent (see all of the responses above). Personally, I get a lot of energy from working with smart, competent and engaging colleagues and all of the people I know who fall into that bucket certainly wouldn’t settle for 6 days of leave.

        1. Absolutely this – no one who has other options is staying at a company with only 6(!) PTO days a year.

      3. Even if they offer you what you had before, I’d be super concerned about what this signals about other possible changes that have taken place that aren’t so obvious. Do you have contacts from your prior tenure that you can talk to off the record and feel it out? I’d also be worried that about taking job because they gave me and only me an exception to policy. That means you have a staff of people who are likely to be high turnover because the benefits su ck, which in turn makes your job that much harder. Red flags alllllll around.

    14. Yes that is insane. Also in the US and for reference, my old job gave everyone 4 weeks PTO a year, 2 weeks sick leave. My current job started me at 3 (which I negotiated to, the first offer was 2 week), and in 3 years it will be 4 weeks a year. Plus 2 weeks of 6 leave, plus a bunch of random personal days, etc. Six days for vacation and sick is absolutely bonkers and I would assume they are having retention and hiring issues because of that.

    15. I wouldn’t accept 6 days and I’d negotiate the f out of that or find a different job.

      1. The trouble with negotiating more is the culture probably doesn’t allow you to use it if they’re that stingy with time off in the first place. The only way that works is if there’s some kind of major cliff, like 6 days in year one and 20 in year two, which I’ve never heard of actually being the case.

    16. I’m a VP at a tech company. New hires get 10 days sick/vacation combined. I wfh full time and there is no pressure taking off for doctor visits or what not, since it’s assumed you’ll make it up that evening or another day. If I have to go somewhere on a weekend like a conference, we’re given that time back. I tried to negotiate more time off on hire and weirdly they were way more generous on salary but wouldn’t budge an inch on time. Prior junior was “unlimited PTO”-the reality was it was very position dependent. I never could take time because there was always some client need or deadline. I had major surgery (something most people take a month or more off for and I was new so was hassled to return after 3 days post hospital release). I will never work somewhere with this policy ever again. You also don’t get any time when you leave.

      3. You should use your status as a VP to push for more PTO for new hires. 10 days is awful.

    17. At my government job, annual leave starts at 2 weeks per year (80 hours) and caps at 4 weeks per year (after 15 years of service), sick leave is the same for everyone and is 2.5 weeks per year. It has to be earned before it can be used though, so we get a little bit added to the leave bank each pay period. We also get administrative leave at various times throughout the year( like a couple days to add on to holiday break or whatever, we usually get that a couple times a year) and one personal day.

    18. IME, seniority based systems often give credit for outside professional experience. E.g., while a new employee within my company may get 10 days to start, someone hired in with 15+ years of experience will get 30 days (as would an employee at the company for 15 years).
      In my ~20 years of work, I’ve either worked in companies that had an “unlimited” vacation policy or one that provided PTO of 10+ days (typically 20 or more) per year.
      OP: 6 seems so low that I wonder if someone is misreading the policy or there is a second bucket not accounted for?

      1. This is my experience too. They will start new grads on the lowest rung, but if you’ve worked somewhere else for 10 years you’ll likely get credit for most or all of it.

    19. my company (F250) is 19 days PTO for new hires, + 1 day of VTO (volunteer time off – can use for any charitable work, volunteering at kids’ schools, etc.). +5 more days at 5 years, +5 more days at 10 years (I think…something like that). Can roll over up to 10 days to the next year. No separate sick leave, but it’s also flexible – if I need a few hours for a doctor appointment, I don’t need to take PTO. We also get 12 paid holidays.

      6 days is miserly – I think 10-12 is like the minimum for not being considered terrible, anything 3 weeks+ is considered quite good, in my circles anyway. Lots of tech companies with ‘unlimited’ PTO that WIDELY varies in reality.
      Agree with other comments that this is a major red flag in culture & treatment of their workforce, even if you can negotiate more.

    20. i’m at a startup with “unlimited PTO” which practically means 20 days a year (4 weeks) and “unlimited sick leave” but practically folks don’t really take it because we’re remote unless they’re super sick – it’s nice to have the option though for if you are really sick. also 10 holidays.

      I always compared to the feds since my bff works for an agency and they get 13 PTO in years 1-3, 13 sick days. 11 holidays. everyone uses their sick leave or carries it over.

    21. I’m on my own now but my last corporate job was unlimited PTO (with all the pros and cons). I ended up taking 3-4 weeks/year plus a lot of WFH.

      My husband has been at his tech firm for 10 years. He gets, I think, 4 weeks of PTO + a lot of vacation days- very aligned with our kids’ school schedule– they got veterans day and Juneteenth off, for example, plus 2 floating holidays. He can roll some vacation, I think a week? He also WFH so while he doesn’t always use the vacation time strictly speaking, he does tend do use more personal time during the work day than he would if he were in an office.

      He runs a department at the exec/SVP level, fwiw.

    22. Does the company shut down for multiple weeklong vacations a year? Maybe they expect people to primarily limit their vacations to those times? I have friends whose companies close from 12/23 through the end of the year, the week of July 4, and the week before labor day. They have “unlimited PTO” but the expectation is that you limit how much time you take off during other times of the year. This is the only thing I can think of that could at least be plausibly discussed as a reason for 6 days PTO.

      I would not even consider a job with 6 days of PTO and I would tell them the reason.

  2. I’ve a lululemon gift card I need to use before it expires. As a 5 feet short size 14, I’m not their usual target. Do their sports bras support DDDDs? Any other recommendations?

    1. their waist packs are very on trend. they also sell bags and other accessories. i have never tried them but i have read positive reviews of their sneakers.

      1. Except my daughter – she didn’t like the cropped one and didn’t want the oversized one so I am waiting for her to suggest an alternative – teenagers are so picky!

    3. I have another post in mod but recommending the scuba sweatshirts (multiple styles available). I see plus size women wearing lulu all the time.

      1. I have one of the scuba sweatshirts and get compliments on it from strangers all the time.
        I also have their gym bag and love it except that it does not zip all the way across the top. Why??? It is fine for me because it just goes from my car to the gym, but I could not take it on a plane or on public transit.

    5. The crossbody bags aka fanny packs are popular for a reason – perfect size for wallet-phone-keys-lip gloss for easy errand running or wearing for a bike ride.

    6. I have their Dance Studio Mid Rise Joggers in a size 14 and quite like them. They aren’t all clingy.

    7. Their bras do not work for my DDDDs but I wear a very small band size. If you work out, I like their yoga mats and my husband has their exercise mat and both are high quality. I also have two winter hats from there that are amazingly warm. They were ludicrously priced but per wear, worth every penny.

    9. Girl, they have plenty of leggings that would work for you! Wunder Trains are great and they come in multiple inseam lengths. They definitely have something that will fit you because we’re the same size, and all I wear to the gym is lululemon. Get on the website and see what you like!

    10. i’m 5’2 size 12 and i love the align 7/8 length leggings – perfect length for me and super soft and if you don’t put them in the dryer i have pairs from 2015 i still wear regularly

  3. This is my favorite month of the year to buy booties and boots – the Black Friday sales (that start early…) can be great.

    Anyone find a taller shaft bootie that they love? It can be sock like or wider. Looking for something to wear with wide legged cropped pants in winter. I do not like any exposed skin in winter snow weather.

    I prefer low or no heel, black leather, water resistant suede or smooth soft leather. Prefer Aquitalia and La Canadienne which I can sometimes get on deep discount this month. And rhen I keep for years. I have a collection…. they really last.

    TIA

    1. Piggybacking off this…what are the “in” boots these days? I WFH and am on maternity leave but I’d love to buy an updated pair of boots to elevate my look on my rare days out of the house. Is it over the knee? Booties? Knee high? Almond toe?

      1. From my IG wanderings I see that slouchy moto mid-calf boots are in, and 90s redux or throwback boots are in (especially “stealth wealth” styles like those worn by socialites and public figures in the late 90s–think Donna Karan runway) Most of what I’m seeing in trend roundups are simple, minimalist boots with platforms or lug soles, or kitten heels. Cherry red is *the* hot color, and hidden wedge boots are “out” as far as I can tell. I’m seeing less of the “statement” boots (bling, embroidered, sparkle, wild colors, architectural heel) and more functional and practical overall.

    3. Following- I’m in Canada and while I had mastered the wider leg jean with sneakers, I’m really struggling in the cold weather and none of my boots look right.

      2. I’m currently breaking in a pair of docs 1460s that I will be wearing with all of my jeans.

      3. If they are cropped, looks great with a heavy sole boot (like Doc Martens or Chelsea). If full length am right there with you, can’t figure it out

    4. I was very recently in Tokyo and NYC and in a lot of airports with business travelers and what I saw most was knee length black boots or Doc Marten or Doc Marten-esque mid-calf lace ups or pull ons. Both appeared with dresses of various kinds in addition to non-skinny pants of various kinds (slim ankle pants are still around), although I might be detecting a trend towards flares as the normative winter silhouette for pants.

  4. Does anyone have a favorite hot roller set? And any specific product you use with it?

    I have fine hair that trends thin. It has natural wave but even its own minimal weight pulls the wave straight. I can scrunch with a lot of gel to keep some of the body, although that just looks like frizz and loosens when down all day. I dream of rocking some big barrel curls.

    1. At least in my hair, not rollers aren’t hot enough to make a curl take hold for more than an hour tops. And that’s if that hour is at home, untouched by the elements of outside air. It’s a nice idea in theory.

    2. I think I came out of the womb loving hot rollers. I use them primarily for smooth volume and not curl. So my current kit is the Conair 2” set. It’s what I throw into my hair for second or third day hair isn’t looking quite right, or when I just want to look more polished.

    3. I’ve been using hot rollers off and on for over 20 years. The key is to get rollers that actually get very hot. Keep them in until they are completely cool. I have had the best luck with remington sets – they give me volume and soft curls that last for days.

    4. Ask your hair stylist what they recommend for hot rollers. I feel like our hair might be similar. I swear my stylist suggested “dirty hair works best” like 2nd day hair with product in it and something about how to use a humid bathroom to help set it and as Tina Fey said her memoir I can never remember to comb or not to comb afterwards. But at the time I remembered and I felt good for some special event photos or something.

  5. there is not a single real person i know who would look cute in this jacket. the model looks hippy, that’s a bad sign for the real world wearer.

    2. Exactly. Even if it looks “current,” it will be horribly dated in a few years.

      1. Almost every item of clothing looks dated after a few years. It may still look nice, and people may still wear it and look great. But even on a “classic” style, the fashionable cut and details change often.

        1. There are different degrees of dated. An old blouse might look slightly off; this will look comical when the trend passes.

    4. I judged a high school debate tournament this weekend. The kids were just a gift to behold — very nervous but putting on suits and trying hard to do a good job. That said, we as adults need to do better with helping kids adjust to suits. This picture has the jacket buttoned. IRL, I’ve only seen jackets buttoned when the wearer was outdoors and walking (not always) or standing up to argue in front of a judge (so not buttoned when sitting). And then, single-breasted jackets (who wears double-breasted ones — a nautical person who is piloting his own boat? IDK. No one seems to wear these IRL as menswear). The kids’ shoes also seemed more reasonable than what is pictured for adult women to wear with suits (no heeled sandals, like on models, but a mix of Rothy-type shoes, Nike AF1s, booties, etc.).

      1. They call the featured item a blazer, but it looks like and is styled like outerwear.

    5. I’ll be the voice of dissent. Not every article of a woman’s clothing is required to make her look smaller or highlight her curves or camouflage her so-called flaws. Wearing comfortable clothes and really taking up space can feel like feminist victory. What’s cuter than that?

      1. I agree. I wouldn’t pay a lot for something like this because it’s unlikely to stand the test of time but I bought something similar at H&M recently and I love wearing it. Good with jeans and a tank top when I want to be dressy casual and also good with black pants and a black top I have done the tissue thin turtlenecks I seem to own too many of) when I need to dress up for work but still want to look “cool” for lack of a better term.

      2. I am so sick of this attitude. Men wear sharp-looking tailored suits. Why should women wear frumpy, dumpy clothing in the name of feminism? It makes zero sense and allows clothing manufacturers to get away with making women’s clothing of lower quality than men’s.

        1. Sorry but this jacket is not lower quality than the suits men wear in my area. And also the men I practice law with are not expected to get their suits tailored to make them look like they’re on a movie screen.

          I think the feminist aspect of this is the rejection of the idea that the purpose of clothing is to highlight a beauty ideal. Not that you inherently buy lower quality or uglier clothes.

        2. Most men do not wear sharp looking tailored suits. And women’s style has always been eclectic: egg shaped dresses and boat shaped wedges. We don’t need to wear bandage dresses and impractical strappy sandals just because men like them.

        4. Right there with you 10:18, there’s nothing “empowering” about looking bad. That’s a lie someone told someone.

          1. What makes it look bad, though? I think some people would say that looking hippy is not a bad thing.

          2. But looking “hippy” doesn’t mean a person looks bad. It means that the person has hips that aren’t in line with what someone says is pleasing.

          3. Some ladies here apparently missed out on the whole “we’re not dressing for the male gaze any more” messaging of the last several years, which is too bad, because it’s really freeing and yes – empowering.

            If you grew up in the 1960s and 1970s, and your mental eye is attuned to what you saw in magazines and on TV during those times, I am sure not seeing women in body-conscious clothing and high heels is a mental adjustment for you. But tight dresses are uncomfortable. Heels hurt to walk in. We don’t have to do that any more, and many of us have decided we point-blank are not going to do it any more, and that’s going to be more the norm, going forward. We don’t have to care what men consider to be attractive, or what older women consider to be “sharp.” I don’t want to look like the 1980s or 1990s version of what “sharp” looked like for women – especially if that required shapewear, pantyhose or heels to achieve. I want to wear basic professional clothes that don’t interfere with me getting my job done. It’s not 40 or 50 years ago; we don’t have to dress like imitation men or like the sexy secretary any more, to look “professional.”

          4. “Hippy” = bad is a cultural beauty standard. Many cultures do think showing or acknowledging that yes, a woman has hips is a bad thing.

          5. I grew up in the 60’s and the 70’s and I can assure you that body conscious clothing was not a thing then. It’s far more recent than that. I have no expectation that clothing be body conscious, and indeed, outside of athletic and beach attire I don’t particularly care for it. I dress not for the male gaze but for myself and for appropriateness for whatever situation I find myself. I feel most confident when my clothing is well tailored and does flatter me at least a little bit. I prefer both cut and color to be flattering to my appearance. This is legit. I agree with 10:38 that there is nothing empowering about looking bad.

          6. Wearing clothes that fit is not the same as dressing for the male gaze. This jacket is not oversized in any intentional way. This is not one of the cute oversized blazers that look good on some people even if they don’t work for everyone. It’s just a schlumpy sack.

          7. I also think people forget that there are all types of bodies and preferences. YOU may not want your hips to look bigger but in order to balance my broad shoulders some volume around my hips is great.

            Also, chill people. I get it; you want to follow zero trends and pretend stuff that you bought ten years ago at banana republic is classic. That’s cool. But please stop bashing everything that’s new and different. It’s a one way ticket to becoming boring bitter person… with a dated wardrobe to boot.

      3. THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

        And I love this jacket based on the way it looks. Once I decided to wear clothes that I think are fun and not necessarily what makes me look as tall and skinny as possible, I have really come into my own fashion sense. And I get compliments constantly. I hate the notion that “flattering” means using the clothing to make your body look like it fits a (racist, sexist, ableist) standard.

        1. Early 40s, and I totally agree with you. Look, my body type is never going to meet whatever arbitrary standard is considered attractive. It literally never has, even at my youngest/fittest/objectively “hottest.” I could spend my life working around that fact, or I can wear what makes me feel great. I think this jacket is cute.

          1. I could have written everything in this comment. Brava!

            Growing up, the messaging I absorbed about appearance was very much that women needed to look like Christie Brinkley (or mayyyybe Carol Alt – she was a brunette, though) to be attractive. But I don’t look like Christie Brinkley, and no matter how much weight I lose, how much I work out, how I dye my hair, how much makeup I put on, or what clothes I wear – I never will look like her. I started wearing things I like, and not what would make me look as thin as I could possible look, and figured out – I like me. I like my own style. I am okay with my body, which has done some pretty cool things, like created a new human being, hiked a bunch of mountains in Colorado, and competed in powerlifting competitions. I look like a size 14 lady who lifts weights and spends a lot of time outdoors, and I don’t look anything like Christie Brinkley, and I’m good with that. And if men – or other women – don’t like how I look in my clothes? That sounds like a “them” problem, and not a “me” problem.

            Additionally: what I wear to work covers me appropriately and is approximately the same level of formality as the people I work with (which isn’t saying much, as my workplace is super-casual and people are in jeans and Patagonia half-zips most of the time). I wouldn’t wear a suit to a meeting any more than I’d wear a sequined ballgown, because that wouldn’t fit my environment. Not everyone is in a super-formal industry with a bunch of stuffy folks who think professional = suit and there are no exceptions to that rule.

        2. To me flattering means it works with the body it’s put on in terms of fit. Fit is more than just trying to look a certain way, it’s making the clothes work with the existing shape and proportions. This piece wouldn’t work for me, even if I loved it and really wanted it to, and lots of other things don’t work either. It doesn’t mean they are bad pieces, just bad for me.
          Signed, someone with a very eclectic style who would never meet the conventional beauty standard.

      4. Thank you. People are capable of making their own clothing choices and holding preferences that may or may not prioritize flattery.

        Hips are great so I don’t know why “hippy” is meant as a bad thing.

        And I automatically discount anything anyone who uses the word “frumpy” has to say about fashion.

      5. I agree with you.
        That said, this piece would look horrible on me because of the way my body is naturally shaped. Not only that, it would be uncomfortable to wear for the same reason.
        Wearing comfortable clothes and “really taking up space” and wanting to look nice are not mutually exclusive.

      6. Sorry, but looking like a little kid dressing up in her grandpa’s old jacket is not the least bit empowering.

        1. This, exactly.
          It’s also not very empowering to be told that something is empowering, lol. Maybe it’s just me that thinks the word has no meaning anymore? I mean, it’s somehow empowering to wear clothes that make you look like you’re playing dress-up in Grandpa’s closet, but not empowering to choose to wear clothes that you look and feel great in because that’s what you like??

          1. So that’s the point. It IS empowering to wear what you love, no matter what! The OP said this makes a thin woman look “hippy” and therefore bad and no one else would look good in it either. No one is saying you can’t wear your nipped-in waist, hip length blazer. What we are saying is that a piece of clothing doesn’t look objectively bad just because it doesn’t emphasize a certain proportion or create a certain illusion.

          2. Some replies are saying otherwise, though. That wearing clothes that are not showing off curves or are “for the male gaze” is what is empowering. The same thing is said about makeup and shaving. That not doing so is “empowering” and some sort of middle finger to the patriarchy.

          3. Why do you equate “flattering” with “dressing for the male gaze”?

            I’m in my 40s, in fantastic shape (marathoner), and I have zero problem with looking like the physically strong, lean, tough woman that I am. An oversized sack is not necessary.

      7. As a late-end GenX who has suffered through many iterations of fashion and various dress codes, I’m all for people wearing the thing that makes them happy. And sometimes that thing is something casual, sometimes not. Sometimes the only way I’m getting myself to the store is in jeans and a nice blouse, and I can’t seem to walk into my kid’s high school for meetings in anything less than business casual.

  6. Soliciting ideas for heavy appetizers for an afternoon open house in December (it’s for my toddler’s birthday, not a holiday party). I have a crowd with vegans, meat-and-potato types, and gluten-free peeps.

    1. For the meat and potatoes folks, pigs in blankets made from mini hot dogs and canned crescent rolls were an enormous hit at a family birthday party I recently attended.

    2. I’d do veggies + dip (gf, vegan), chips + salsa (gf, vegan), a warm dip for the chips (buffalo chicken, spinach artichoke, crab) (likely gf, could be made vegan), and an assortment of frozen appetizers (some gf, some vegan). I like mini quiches, pigs in a blanket, egg rolls, dumplings, bagel bites, etc.

      Other options could include stuffed mushrooms or peppers (could be gf / vegan), shrimp cocktail (gf), crockpot meatballs (gf), deviled eggs (gf).

      All of these are “normal” enough for the meat and potatoes crowd too.

      1. This sounds about right. I made a hot black bean dip this weekend that we gobbled right up and would work for vegans and could be gluten free if you check the ingredients to make sure you get gf versions: black beans, chipotle peppers in adobo, a little mayo (I used vegan), and salt and spices to taste (I used Penzey’s southwest blend), mixed in the food processor so that it’s blended but still has some texture.

      2. Be careful with crab – crab sticks and crab products are generally not gluten free unless it’s actual fresh crab.

        1. +1 to this. I have a friend with celiac who just ended up in the hospital because of this!

    3. I think you could do little meatballs for the non-vegans. It’s not strictly an appetizer but a bean chili could be an easy way to feed people – you can make ahead and just keep warm. And if you decide to do chips and guacamole, etc., it all pairs easily.

      1. yes I love soups/chilis at this time of year, a butternut squash soup is great for your vegans.

    4. You’re getting good menus here. I would just add that you may want to check in with the vegans and GF people, because everyone has a different level of comfort with food made by others. Especially if someone is GF due to celiac, they may not eat at your party at all. Best to know that going in so you don’t make a lot of efforts towards accommodation for nothing.

    5. I don’t like dips for these events because they are hard for people to serve themselves/portion. You could make both vegan and meat eater pigs in a blanket( for the vegans you can do “figs in a blanket”), Thai lettuce wraps for the gluten-free (you can make some vegan with Beyond Meat), and then any number of finger foods will work for the meat and potato types. I also like making parmesan crisps (grate parmesan, heap, and bake into rounds) and they can be topped with a ton of things.

    6. Yes, they’re close relatives so I’m familiar with their constraints and they eat my cooking on many occasions. Good reminder, thank you!

    7. These are great ideas, thanks everyone! Definitely thinking of doing some kind of soup option with toppings.

    8. Trader Joes siracha bbq sauce + meatballs simmering in a crock pot. Other stuff too obviously…but those are my fave to have on hand at open house style parties. And 7 layer dip.

    10. I ordered a bunch of soft pretzels for a party recently and they were a huge hit. Not gluten free, but the ones we got were vegan.

  7. Advice please!

    I wrote a few weeks ago about my verbally abusive spouse. I am happy to say he has moved out, to another state He left nearly everything behind from furniture to photos, telling me he will be back

    I am thinking of putting it all in a PODS and telling him to sort it out Is there a better way?

    Thank you!

    1. I think putting it in a pods is a good idea, but it will cost you $$$. What if he does not come back for months? I guess you could have it delivered to him. Depends on how much you care about the cost. And good for you! Taking charge of your life and getting rid of an abusive spouse.

    3. Congrats!!! Have you changed the locks? Please do that ASAP. A PODS seems like a good interim step. Pulling for you!

      1. Thank you all! I really appreciate the help

        Locks are changed, thank you And lawyers I’ve consulted are pretty non comital about his stuff as long as I don’t throw it away – it’s a bargaining point. It’s just so nice not to see it

        Waking up and coming home to a peaceful home is THE BEST

    6. Proud of you! Great progress so far.

      A friend had a similar situation. She sent notification that on a certain date, he could come get his stuff. She paid for a police officer to be present. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t come. So she got rid of it. Definitely ask your attorney as this may vary by state!

    7. Congratulations! It must be so nice to breathe easy in your own home.

      I’d DEFINTELY put his stuff in storage so you don’t have to deal with him if/when he returns.

      1. Thank you all for this advice. And thanks again to everyone who wrote in the first time, helping me pull my head out of the sand.

    8. I’d ask your lawyer on the best course of action on the stuff, as there is probably a right answer and probably some wrong answers. One option might be to have the stuff moved to a storage unit where you pay for a month or two of storage, but further storage fees are on him (with it being his responsibility if the stuff gets tossed by the storage facility for lack of further payment).

      I have no clue if this is ok under your state’s laws, but if your lawyer gives the green light and advises on the right process to give notice (certified letter?), it would probably be the fastest way to make his stuff not your problem anymore.

  8. I reorganized my closet this weekend and have a whole section now for “toppers” — swackets, pranayama wraps, etc. Separate from blazers. This is my life now, and I’m not even upset about it. I’m embracing my midlife swanning, I can only assume the next chapter will involve caftans.

    1. If it does involve caftans, you may also need your own personal eyewear department. Cat-eye and bejewel “spectacles” and such. And turbans that aren’t for wet hair. I am here for it.

    3. Yay! This weekend I wore something similar to a kaftan and told my friends I was trying out the Santa Fe art teacher vibe.

  9. Does anyone have a Lumie alarm clock? It looks as if it can be programmed without an app—is this correct?

    1. I have one. Yes, can be programmed directly on the clock.
      I like it for this time of year – the sunrise & bird song wake-up is effective for this time of year

  10. I visited my parents recently and re-read some of the old family paperbacks and dusty magazines. Lots of VC Andrews and some other pulpy reads. I realized: as a teen, I thought adult life would require peignoir sets or at least what the 1980s called “tap pants”. Also, Cosmopolitan seemed to give career advice that in retrospect was very questionable. Good times.

    2. In college I bought a Cosmo special “career” issue and was puzzled to discover that it was mainly about how to sneak back to your hotel room without being discovered after spending the night in a male co-worker’s room on a business trip.

        1. Yes, I was genuinely surprised when I got into an office job and people weren’t switching out heels and tops to take their outfit “from day to night” because they were headed to some chic bar after work. Turns out most of my coworkers just wanted to get home to their spouses/children/pets/TV. And pretty soon, I understood exactly how they felt, and felt the same way. Now if someone proposes going for drinks after work, I just laugh and say “have fun!”

    3. OMG yes on the Cosmo! I stopped reading it in my 20’s (this was the late 80’s) when an article about how to get a man at work included wearing a cardigan backwards, no bra, and leaving a button undone and ask him to button it!

    4. I had tap pants! I even wore them under my pantyhose so I didn’t get a wedgie. Seemed to work. But they were fairly ineffective as actual underwear. I also had teddies with tap pants bottoms.

      I had a part time job at JC Penney in high school and college. I was a “floater” so I worked in all departments to cover regular employees’ break times. I loved the lin ger ie department the best, and honestly still do. Maybe the makeup and perfume counter comes in second.

  11. seeking gift ideas for son’s 27 year old fiancee….loves fancy candles so have that covered….

    1. Amazon sells several sets of wick trimmer + electronic candle lighter + candle sniffer. I also like candle toppers to make sure the candle burns evenly and does not tunnel.

      1. That was supposed to say snuffer

        Here is the electric lighter. If you search wick trimmer you’ll find the sets with the other items.

        MEIRUBY Lighter Electric Lighter Candle Lighter Rechargeable USB Lighter Arc Lighters for Candle Camping BBQ Sports Fan Tools Lighter… https://a.co/d/fkAa3Zu

      2. Haha if I were very rich I would hire a professional candle sniffer to smell my candles for me.

        1. I would totally apply for that job! I could candle sniff all day except for coffee sniffing breaks.

    2. OP here….looking for gift ideas from this hive….for 27 year old young professional woman. Those of you that are her age what do you like?

    3. Cashmere. Wrap or sweater. My first holiday season with Mr. AIMS’ family, his mom got me a lovely sweater and I still wear it many years later (amazing the quality difference in cashmere but that’s a separate story…)

        1. the JCrew cashmere poncho is a nice price point particularly if you want for a BF sale.

          1. I’m 28 and I don’t see anyone wearing a poncho. Definitely go with a sweater or a cute ring from Local Eclectic.

        2. Cashmere knee length open cardigan sweater from Saks/Neimans/Bloomies is not the splashiest but perfect for the office. I’d do black or another dark color. We all have them tucked away somewhere in our office. You can normally pick them up for around $200.

    4. 29 year old chiming in here: as well meaning as gifts such as mugs or throw blankets are, that’s what everyone gives women our age! I have too many!!

      Without knowing more about her, here are some generic ideas:
      – Nail kit like Dazzle dry or Olive & June
      – Fun cocktail glassware
      – Flowers or a plant
      – Fancy coffee or chocolate
      – Mug warmer
      – Book of the Month club membership
      – Nap earrings
      – Lululemon belt bag
      – Vuori joggers

        1. Ugh, those are the worst, I do not get the love for what’s worse than Amazon quality PJs.

      2. i looooove my sunday vuori joggers (you want the dreamknit fabric which is super soft). i loved them so much i got them as christmas presents last year for my in laws, my SIL, my husband, my brother and my mom lmao

        1. OK, this is very helpful. They seem very nice and I know she would wear them. Thank you!

      3. Lemme drop my yearly pitch for Politics and Prose’s Signed First Edition club! IDK if it’s the right gift for the individual you’re buying for, but I’ve done it for myself and others and it’s great fun at a pretty reasonable price point. The authors are usually folks who are up and coming, with a couple of big names. You’ll often hear their interviews on 1A or Fresh Air, so if you have a person on your list who is an NPR listener and book nerd, it fits the bill nicely.
        https://www.politics-prose.com/signed-first-editions-club

    5. If you can do a gift card, Mejuri if she likes jewelry. Penzeys does nice gift boxes of spices. The cozy LL Bean slippers if you’re somewhere cold. A Zojishuri travel coffee mug and some really nice coffee.

      1. Don’t do a gift card. I appreciate the sentiment of “get yourself something nice that you will enjoy” but it can come across as totally impersonal. A nice sweater or warm scarf in a non-crazy color is inoffensive and useful, which is really I think the best you can hope for.

        1. I think coffee mug and coffee is fine too. This isn’t the time to be too creative is my point but also don’t be totally impersonal either.

          1. Please don’t do coffee mugs. I had someone thank me for *not* getting her a mug when I gave her fancy tea for Secret Santa: everyone has so many mugs.

  12. I have a good friend from childhood who was recently diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, and we generally have had a good and supportive friendship other than the fact that it’s often me reaching out planning things etc, which I took as a sign that they weren’t as interested in hanging out with me and backed off for a long while. earlier this year we reconnected as they’ve been going through a hard time and I have been happy to support. problem is they reach out when they’re in crisis and need something and otherwise don’t take initiative or even ask me how I’m doing (and they know I have also had a really tough year). we had a good talk about it over the weekend where they apologized and talked about the AvPD and how that’s stopped them from reaching out the way they want to etc. I guess I’m kind of torn. I want to be supportive of this friend and build a mutually supportive friendship and I got the very strong impression that’s what they want, but I also feel like I need to spend my time with people who are interested in me and want to be around me and act like it. I guess we just need to see how it goes. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here. Any thoughts/perspectives here?

    1. Can you stop with “they”? You aren’t outing yourself by staying if this is a man or a woman. (Perhaps the person uses “they” pronouns – if so, please state that.)

      The reason I say this: I have a LOT of man friends, and our friendships flourish because I am okay with them reaching out a few times a year.

      In your situation, I also wouldn’t be surprised to hear about a man who hasn’t developed a robust emotional support system and therefore leans on you.

        1. LOL, thanks. It’s right up there in black and white. Apparently, no one read beyond the first sentence?

        2. I commented at 10:28 because…why? Why specifically state if a person uses they pronouns? To justify it’s a legit choice?

          Is it common to say “he…yes, he uses he pronouns” or “she…because that’s what she uses”? Of course not. Why question pronoun usage, of all things?

          1. No one “questioned pronoun choices.” The issue is that men and women have different communication patterns (probably from social conditioning). Why play coy with the gender of the friend?

      4. 10:04, you are going to have to adjust your reaction to this. Language is evolving, “they” is becoming more common for one person. If you freak out every time you hear this, your life is only going to be more stressful from here on out.

    2. I think this is just a “wait and see” kind of moment. Either they hear you and try to reach out more/be supportive of you and your friendship continues, or they don’t and it fades.

    4. It’s probably unlikely that they will be able to participate in a mutually supportive friendship.

      You can still choose to have them as a friend, but it’s likely that they will continue to want support from you and use you as a friendstherapist without breaking the pattern.

      Choosing your boundaries and what you want is important, as well as breaking the pattern. If you do want to invest in the relationship, maybe try to do things instead of talking – mainly to break their habit of complaining but also to make new common patterns.

    5. What you need in a friendship may be something that they are not able to give.

      The question then becomes, are you OK with that? Do you want something else? If you want something else, can you get it from someone else?

      They are telling you how they can show up for you. It’s now up to you to decide if that’s enough.

      I’ve had friendships where the person was always a “taker.” Those people didn’t actually truly understand when I talked to them about it, because friendship to them was always like that. They didn’t have any “even” friendships. I am no longer friends with those people. I need and expect more in a friendship. That’s OK. We went separate ways.

      You need to decide what is OK for you. But from what you describe, putting a fancy diagnosis on, “I will always call you when I need you, but I will never be there for you” is not a friendship I’d really want to invest a lot in. That’s me. You do you.

    7. I spent most of my life before age ~35 thinking that I had to be a free therapist for anyone and everyone, and if I didn’t, then I wasn’t a good person or friend. I finally woke up when I realized I didn’t have a lot of friends left; the emotional vampires didn’t bother to stay in touch with me – usually because they don’t want a reminder of a tough time in their lives – and I didn’t put the effort into cultivating more positive friendships because the users drained so much of my time and energy.

      I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to invest your time in people who invest their time in you, and to not invest your time in people who don’t. You’re not a bad person or friend for limiting contact with people who don’t reciprocate your friendship. You owe it to future you to protect your time and energy.

  13. I have 2 pairs of MMLF Foster pants (black and grey), size 4, as well as an MMLF striped sleeveless wrap top. I will send to you for the cost of shipping – if interested please post a burner email below. I would rather they go to a r3t t3e than Goodwill!

    1. You’d have to multiply these sizes by 10 to fit me but I just wanted to comment & say way to go, you!

  14. Hi, for careful readers out there you know I have been posting and complaining about the sad quality of clothes and specifically shoes these days. want to share that i ordered a pair of boots from quince, they certainly aren’t cheap ($275) but the quality seems good, real leather in and out, a heel that ultimately could be replaced if needed….

      1. +1 I don’t see them, but am intrigued.

        Quince doesn’t get a lot of love on this site, but I’m a huge fan. Most of my stuff from them is great quality.

        1. I like their cotton fisherman sweater. Everything else I’ve ordered has been meh

        2. That makes more sense. Everlane sizing is totally inconsistent but the things I have been able to find there have been good quality.

  15. What do you wear to a supper that is part of a job interview?
    I have a day-long interview (will be flying out and staying in a hotel overnight). The interview process (full day) includes two separate interviews, one presentation and a site visit. It ends mid-afternoon and then there is a supper with the hiring committee. Do I wear the same suit to supper? Do I change?

      1. oh and this may be regional but that meal is usually “dinner” – where’s the interview?

        1. That caught my attention too. I typically hear supper instead of dinner from people who live in more rural areas of my Midwest state. Folks in the city refer to the evening meal as dinner.

    2. I’m in academia and for these things, everyone generally wears what they wore to work that day.
      The biggest thing I’d see people mess up consistently is not being proficient with chopsticks and trying to use them anyway. There is no shame in using a fork and you will not be judged for it!

    3. I’m in higher ed and dinner is part of both faculty and administrative interviews. It’s not expected that the job applicant change before dinner.

      1. If you’re referring to the term, it’s a regional thing. Supper = dinner.

        If you’re surprised by the practice , in my industry, a formal dinner is part of most final interviews for higher positions. This is my first time being interviewed for this level.

        1. I’m surprised by the term. It would read really weird to hear this described as supper for me!

        2. I’m in greater Boston. My parents’ (boomer) generation and older 100% calls it supper. I don’t think I’ve called it that since I moved out of their house in my late teens. I married a guy from Georgia and he’s never called it that. So, my anecdata points to both regional and generational.

      2. I can’t imagine it’s that unusual. I’m not the OP, but where I grew up the evening meal is supper. Have supper. Go out for supper. It may not be the most common thing now and perhaps even a little old fashioned, but it’s certainly not some niche thing.

        1. I grew up (in the rural Midwest) calling it supper. I still call it that socially but would use dinner when referring to an evening business meal. In a professional context, calling it supper reads as gauche to me.

          1. I think these days it’s more gauche to judge somebody for a word choice that’s likely related to geographic background, age, and/or class than it is to use a word like “supper” that may not be common but is widely understood by American English speakers.

        2. I grew up in a major Midwest city and my friends from more blue collar families all said supper instead of dinner, but I’ve never heard it since and definitely never in a professional context (I’ve lived in the NE, SE, West Coast and Midwest in cities, rural areas, and small towns and work with people from all over). I certainly wouldn’t hold it against someone for saying supper instead of dinner, but I would wonder a little about their background. As for your actual question, I’ve always just worn what I wore to the interview, but when I’ve had dinner the night before the interview, I’ve been a little more causal and that was fine too. Nobody else was that dressed up (I’m in higher ed).

    6. I’d suggest same pants/bottoms with a fresh top because after a long interview I need a shower.

      1. It’s not unprofessional, but it is a regional colloquialism that people may stumble over. No one ever says “supper” where I am, really in any context.

      2. it’s not ‘unprofessional’ but it can read as small-town or old-fashioned – those aren’t unprofessional per se, but might not read as exactly ‘on brand’ depending on the geography and type of role! It would stick out in a major metro area.

      3. Given that we’ll be speaking Swedish, I doubt my use of of “supper” will be deemed offensive/gauche.

  16. My husband is off visiting his siblings several states away. For a variety of reasons, this is the first time he’s seen them in years. One of the first things his older sister said was “your wife hates me.”

    Background – late June, I posted a graduation photo of our daughter on IG and FB with your typical “we are so proud of you”’kind of message. Immediately there were several congratulations messages from friends, and then one from husband’s sister saying “congratulations on raising such a wonderful daughter even though you were older parents when she was born.” At the time I was kind of stunned and replied “wow” and then she doubled down with another comment saying my husband and I were “grandparent” age.

    I was mid thirties when my daughter was born, my husband was early 40s, and my stats before her were three pregnancies, one live birth, and zero living children, so it wasn’t for lack of trying.

    When her comment was still live, a couple of my friends reached out to me and were like “who the f is this being a raging b-word in your comments?” And I was like “she doesn’t mean it like that,” but then I deleted her comments and blocked her because I didn’t want her detracting from what was supposed to be about my daughter. And also, my social media isn’t very intimate so I have a lot of work friends on there.

    So here we are, I’ve not re-friended her, and now these comments to my husband. No apology from her. I haven’t been walking around stewing about it, in fact I’d nearly forgotten it. What would you do? I’m leaning toward nothing.

    2. Well yeah you de-friended and blocked her, it’s not crazy for her to think you hate her. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but I’m not sure why her comment is a surprise.

      1. Huh? Maybe the logical belief is that SIL can’t handle social media. Maybe the belief is that SIL was inappropriate and needs to reflect on her actions before being allowed back. “She hates me!” is such a childish way of looking at it.

        1. OP – logical belief was indeed that SIL couldn’t handle social media. Mainly, I knew she’d keep derailing my daughter’s graduation post if I only deleted her comments, hence the block. I don’t hate her, I kind of feel sorry for her generally.

        2. Yeah but from a SIL who is (at best) oblivious and self centered enough to write these hurtful things on fb, it’s 100% not surprising, which I think was the Anon’s point. Of course she would be oblivious to the impact of what she said. I don’t think there is any action for OP here. And if OP sort of hates her SIL right now – honestly, who would blame her!
          DH could point out to SIL how hurtful her comments were given the context and that the ball is in her court to repair the relationship. But I wouldn’t expect miracles.

    3. I think your initial comment was right on… wow. I would not put a lot of effort into this relationship.

    4. Your sister-in-law sounds like a real piece of work!
      If she brings it up again, your husband could say something like “Your comment on Daughter’s graduation post was bizarre and hurtful, given our history. I’m sure you can understand why OP removed your comments, and we’d appreciate an apology.”

    5. Your husband should tell her the comments were inappropriate. She owes all of you an apology. She didn’t just insult you, she insulted him, and she also insulted your daughter, who had to “beat the odds” with “older” parents.

    6. What does your husband say??? She insulted him too. Your husband should demand she apologize to both of you (but especially you, since it was on your social media and visible to your friends and coworkers). If she won’t, I don’t see why your husband would even want her in his life. What she did was truly awful. She sounds like an incredibly mean (and probably bitter and insecure) person. Even if she does apologize, I wouldn’t want to be around her ever again and would block her on social media (but would maybe be more understanding of my husband wanting to maintain a connection).

    7. Your husband should read her the riot act about her wildly inappropriate comment (assume he hasn’t done so already) and demand that she apologize to both of you. He’s welcome to tell her that you will accept her apology and have not been stewing about this issue. Then you accept her apology and continue in a state of benign non-contact. It sounds like you haven’t been that close to SIL for awhile, so no need for that relationship to change.

        2. Controversial take: it actually does work, in the sense that it will basically never happen again. People who massively overstep know what they are doing and are capable of not doing it; however, they are also the type of people who avoid accountability. So they yell and scream and cry about the riot act, but the riot act was sufficiently painful to convince them to not do it again.

    8. Your husband needs to tell her to knock it off. “Sister, you said something unnecessary and cruel to my wife on social medial, regarding what was supposed to be a happy and celebratory time for our family. My wife will handle that as she sees fit. Any further words form you on the subject that are not an apology to my wife and daughter, and I will be leaving.”

    9. Well, it’s pretty obvious why your DH hasn’t seen her in years! What a B. I would do nothing.

    10. 100% nothing. There is nothing to be gained. Except maybe you tell your husband that hearing about the hurtful and bizarre comments his sister makes hurts your feelings, and you wouldn’t mind if he didn’t share them with you (if that’s how you feel).

    11. Why would you do anything? He should say “neither of us like you much after your wildly mean and inappropriate comment last year.”

    12. I have mildly problematic relatives on social media, but would pause at deleting/blocking as that sends a very strong message. you have every right in the world to be offended by her comment, but I kind of get that she took your response to mean you don’t want contact with her.
      do you have a desire to have a relationship with her, or just don’t want the stress of her social media?

      1. That is a good question. I don’t want to be besties with her, I think the block has eased my mind because it’s not the first time she has made an inappropriate comment on my social medial (though this is the first time it was so mean spirited, or at least came across that way). She’s never had a job outside of part time jobs in high school and college until she quit to have kids, so I don’t think she has the context that a working professional might not want … whatever that was … on their social media. But I would kind of like to keep the peace. I was perfectly fine with where we were before my husband relayed her comment to me.

        The only thing I’ve done so far is clarify that I didn’t delete her comment because she hurt my feelings. I deleted it because it was inappropriate and having her snark at me in the comments was taking away from my daughter’s accomplishment. He understands that now. I guess whether he relays that to her or not is up to him and will depend on whether she keeps bringing it up!

    13. I say this as gently as possible, but you do kind of hate her! And with good reason! She was totally inappropriate on your FB and doubled down when called out on it. You were in the right to block her and delete the comments. But her observation was also right.

      If she did apologize, would it change anything? I think the answer is probably no. I got the sense from your post that there are other reasons you don’t see her regularly. And my personal experience is if someone is posting stuff like that on FB they are probably not particularly fun to be around.

      In your shoes, I would conclude that I’m in the right, give this zero further thought and just not engage when I had to see her in person.

      1. Thank you for providing the answer I wanted haha! I don’t really feel compelled to “fix” it. – OP

      2. Great advice! For your husband, a good response woudl be something like “‘Hate’ is a strong word, but you’ve been wildly inappropriate with her and I don’t blame her one bit for blocking you on her socials.”

    14. Why would you do anything? I get rehashing this feels good because you were obviously right and she was obviously wrong, but there’s nothing to do about it anymore.

      1. It sounds to me like SIL is trying to stir something up again. I think it’s fine to let it go (gray rock method).

      2. OP here – The new info was the “wife hates me” comment, which happened last night, and husband is still there. I was already inclined to do nothing but wanted a sounding board to see if other people thought that was reasonable.

  17. Is it ever appropriate to contact a family member’s therapist if they’re making threats of self-harm or just saying bizarre things like they’ll d1e?

    My adult brother is in therapy. He lives with my mom and has no job. She’s also in therapy. She’s setting boundaries with him and deadlines for him to do basic things like “clean your room” to “apply to a job” or “enroll in a training program”, to more involved things like “create a timeline to move out because you can’t live here for free indefinetely.” I’m proud of her.

    In response, he’s becoming increasingly erratic, saying things like “I’ll do X, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll unalive myself / just be homeless / just d1e living in my car in the winter cold.” We are all very concerned. X, as you can imagine, is a pie in the sky plan that is very likely to fail and not based in reality.

    It all seems very manipulative, but I’m really concerned for his well being and not sure what to do. Is this a situation where he’s making threats and a healthcare provider should be aware? I don’t think he is serious. I think he says these things to manipulate my mom. But I also know even mentioning unaliving himself is a red flag.

    1. Mention threats of suicide to his therapist *with the expectation that the therapist, not you* decides how to handle it. That could even involve ignoring it or what looks like ignoring it (because the therapist isn’t permitted to share information with you absent an express release form your brother).

      “Dear therapist, Brother has mentioned suicide several times. He said (insert here) on (insert date), (insert here) on (insert date), etc. I am not expecting a response or an explanation of how (or even if) you may address this with him; I am simply passing along repeated threats of self-harm.”

    2. Definitely tell his therapist, any physicians he sees etc. Due to HIPAA, they can’t speak with you without a signed consent (or even acknowledge he’s a patient), but they can hear what you tell them.

    3. Short answer, yes. You are worried enough that you typed this out to a group of internet strangers. It’s a know your family situation, but I would talk to your mom to see if she has already brought it up. But, otherwise, trust your gut.

    4. If you tell the therapist, be prepared for the therapist to tell him, “Your sister said X, Y and Z.” It may or may not be worth it, but the one time I contacted my mom’s healthcare provider and told her what my brother and I had observed, I got yelled at. A lot. I thought provider would want to know, would use my info to make further inquiries and keep me out of it. She did not. I will never, ever do that again.

    5. You need a family strategy for the threats, so it’s important to talk with your mother and make sure you’re both on the same page. One way to deal with it is to respond in the moment with a version of “brother, I love you and I’m very concerned. If you are considering suicide, I will call 911 so we can get you admitted for treatment.” If he is truly being manipulative, he should stop. If he continues, you have to be ready to follow through.

      Has your mother talked to her therapist about the threats? Is there any chance of attending some family therapy sessions?

    6. We did this for my cousin. Cousin had at one point given us therapist’s information as just a random FYI so we knew who to contact. Therapist told us that he could intake information but could not/would not opine to us, but would use it in context of their next meeting. Therapist also said he would not lie if inquired about whether we reached out, so be ready for that possible consequences (for us, it was better to keep cousin safe and face backlash then say nothing).

      HOWEVER, if there was a clear and present danger that cousin was going to harm himself, we should be calling authorities and not therapist.

  18. I need a belt to wear with jeans for the first time in lots of years. What’s cool in belts right now? Nothing? I’d welcome exemplar pics; I feel bizarrely at sea about this.

    1. I think belts are really in. I often see people in the skinnier styles from anthropologie or jcrew, generally brown and black, solid smooth leather. I don’t see the conspicuous logo buckles very often.

    2. I’m seeing two types of belts with jeans in the wild, and which way to go depends on your style preferences.

      1. Skinny leather belt, often in a shade of brown, with a small brass or gold buckle. Look at Alex Mill sweater pictures for examples (note, the default view is of the item alone, but if you hover, the alternate view shows a model in an outfit. Sweater pix are more likely to show belted jeans than jeans pix, for some reason.) This look works if you lean preppy.

      2. Wider leather belt (1.5 – 2 in.), usually black, with a larger geometric buckle in silver or brass. Look at the Gap jeans pictures for examples. This look works with edgier styles. If you wear your jeans with lug sole boots or fashion sneakers, this is your style.

    3. I figure a jeans company like Madewell knows more about belts than I do. Pick a basic one.

    4. Belts are back. The Nili Lotan wide belt with the oval buckle has tons of copies out there. The knotted belt from Isabel Marant is also popular.

  19. My 13-year-old Shark vacuum is on its last legs. Any recommendations for new ones? We have a lot of carpeting and two older kids. No pets currently, though that could change.

    1. I love my Miele. I know Dyson gets a lot of earned love too, but I love how easy the Miele is to carry around, especially up and down stairs.

      1. Me too! Mine came with a 10 year warranty and there’s a vacuum repair store in my neighborhood, which is where I bought it.

    3. I have the cordless Shark rocket pet pro + a roomba and I love the combination of the two.

    4. We bought a SEBO vacuum (with filter bags) recently and are very happy with our purchase.

      Signed,
      owner of a 3400 sqft carpeted house.

  20. Question for my fellow thrifting girlies: Do you buy cold weather hats, e.g. stocking caps and pom pom hats at the thrift? I have no issue with wearing secondhand clothes once washed, but I’m hesitant to buy/wear hats because of the risk of lice transmission.

    1. I do not. I also only have one winter hat (pom pom) that I bought 8 years ago and plan on keeping indefinitely.

    2. Sometimes.
      Adult lice can only live a day or two away from a host and eggs about a week, so if you are worried you can either put the items in a sealed plastic bag for a couple of weeks to be sure, or take the items to be drycleaned as soon as you buy them.

    4. I crochet, so I have a bottomless supply of hats, but any hat that can be machine washed and dried is fine. Critters won’t survive the dryer.

    5. Aren’t both of these washable? I don’t get the concern. You can wash them, or put them in the freezer for a week like you would with your kids stuffed animals if you had lice in the house. Lice treatment is pretty straightforward, I would not let this possibility stand in the way of thrifting.

      1. Right. I hope OP is not wearing anything she buys from the thrift without cleaning it first, because that is a habit that is going to result in some problems, sooner rather than later.

        I have bought washable hats (like beanies) secondhand. Everything I buy secondhand – whether it’s from the thrift store, ThredUp, Poshmark, or wherever – gets washed very soon after it comes in my house, or it gets returned. If it’s dry clean only, it goes to the dry cleaner; if I can’t get to the dry cleaner, I put it in a plastic bag and put it in my upright freezer in my garage for a week. I never, ever wear anything secondhand without washing or dry cleaning it first. Risk is not just from lice, but also from scabies, bedbugs, cosmetics/perfumes I might be allergic to, etc.

        1. Oh absolutely I wash everything first! Eeek. I guess for some reason hats/hair just seem more vulnerable than skin, but what I’m reading here is that concern is irrational and hot wash/dryer is as effective on hats as it is on clothes.

          Nonetheless, I think I’m going to hit up TJ Maxx for hats. Something about something that’s that close to my face feels too sketchy to get secondhand, not to mention hats are $10 and something I wear daily (as opposed to a work shirt I might wear once a month).

          1. there is a head full of skin under your hair. It’s really not so different. Conversely, there are also hairs on other parts of the body.

          2. I’m not sure what the frequency of wear has to do with anything…and like the lady said, you have skin under your hair and hair on the rest of your body, so…

    6. I would wear thrifted hats. I would freeze them in a bag for a few days, and then wash them, maybe add some lysol to the water. But, knit hats don’t age well. They get pills, get stretched out, etc. So, take a second look at them.

  21. Vent/ So last night I placed an order for pick up this morning from Whole Foods. WF has a lot of specific things I like that I can’t get elsewhere, like a specific brand of cottage cheese/honey/microgreens/etc. My husband saw the order and unilaterally decided it was too expensive and we didn’t need those things and canceled it. You guys, I’m legit raging about this. We’re both mad at each other and calling each other unreasonable. ugh, I’m so annoyed at him right now. And I’m annoyed I don’t have my groceries. I don’t want to argue over groceries!

    1. I’d also be raging over this. The person who’s not doing the task doesn’t get to complain in my house. Even if the money is an issue (I’m assuming it’s not), there should have been a conversation and not just him canceling it.

      1. Yeah, in my house this would result in my SO driving to whole foods to pick up everything in the order themselves (except my husband is the one who loves to shop at WF and buy the most expensive cheese possible, so if he did actually do this, I’d be checking him for head injuries).

    2. 1) Unilaterally canceling an order without discussing it is rude.
      2) Do you have an established grocery budget? If not, now is the time to develop one.
      3) If you do have a grocery budget and this order is considerably over it, then placing the order without discussing it with him is rude.
      4) Many of us, myself included, have had to drastically change our grocery habits due to the cost of living. If money is tight for you guys, can you compromise on less liked brands for some of those items?

    3. Unless money is tight and the buyer’s spending is wildly out of control, his action is controlling and unacceptable.

      1. Even if money is tight and the spending is out of control, cancelling without discussion is controlling and unacceptable.

        1. Agreed. I think “hey we can’t really afford this, can you not do this in the future” is fine if finances are tight, but unilaterally canceling it is nuts regardless of their financial situation.

    5. OMG! He may be completely right that the order was over budget and unnecessary— maybe he even is responsible for grocery shopping and felt you were on his territory— but to unilaterally cancel the order without talking to you?!?

    6. You’re not raging about cottage cheese and honey and microgreens. You’re raging because your husband apparently treats you like a child incapable of making her own decisions. DO NOT get over this.

      2. I’d be raging over both! [I also have a specific brand of cottage cheese (hello, Good Culture) that I can find only at Whole Foods and one other place and it is seriously important staple of my breakfast. I would be upset about being controlled, and I would also be hangry!

    7. Is this a one-time thing? Or has he done stuff like this before? If this is a pattern of behavior, then it’s something that needs to be addressed.

    8. I think it’s one thing to find the order to expensive and another thing to cancel the order. I think it is valid to question purchases and to think about alternatives if this is truly a strain on the budget, or in some other ways frivolous (e.g. if half of the expensive stuff doesn’t get eaten in time and goes to waste).

      But canceling an existing order without having at least a brief discussion – I would not accept if my husband did that, and we’d have a serious conversation about this behavior.

    9. This is about way more than literally this order. Do you have communication or control problems in other areas of your relationship?

    10. a) is it the full fat cottage cheese in the red and white container because that is AMAZING and i love it

      b) I would have run in to get those things anyway if you were already there for your pickup order

      c) the f’ing NERVE of your husband to cancel the order that you spent time making — is he the one who does the meal planning or cooking and knows what’s in stock or not in your pantry? i can see saying “hey hon we need to cut down whole foods” but to just go ahead and cancel the entire damn order was way, way overstepping. was he drunk? pissed at you? goaded on by friends? it is such an overstep i feel like there must be additional circumstances.

    11. I find this very controlling and unacceptable. Adults don’t control or police other adults. It isn’t his right to cancel your grocery order, and it’s mean / speaks to his entitlement that he did so. I would have a sit down to have a conversation with him about controlling behaviors, boundaries, and how both affect a relationship pretty significantly. This isn’t okay.

    12. Just wow. I would 100% go on food strike, and start eating out every night this week alone at fancy restaurants if my husband did that. Then I would buy my own groceries and get my own refrigerator I kept in the basement and locked. What a controlling jerk.

      Was disrespecting his wife’s choices and autonomy unilaterally worth the $30 in WF overage versus a cheaper grocery store? Ask him to think hard on that and also to think about communicating better.

    13. Are you on a very tight budget? Do you have a history of overspending? If so, ignore what I am saying below.

      Your husband should understand that microgreens are cheaper than marriage therapy or a divorce. There are some things my husband spends money on that I can’t fathom but I have zero desire to get into a fight about it. The fight isn’t worth it. The sense of being controlled is so destructive that it isn’t worth it.

    14. I’m sorry he did WHAT

      My husband is an overspender and I sometimes get really really really annoyed at him blowing a week’s worth of grocery money on 3 things at the gourmet butcher. But I cannot imagine just canceling his order without a conversation and if I did that he should divorce me immediately. I’m still in total disbelief.

  22. How do you handle junior colleagues who struggle to get you documents in the timeframe assigned? I’m a senior associate (becoming a shareholder in 2024, yay!). I have several junior associates in my practice areas. Typically when I assign work, I will call/speak with the JA about what all else the JA is working on at the time, the proposed project/assignment and a timeframe. Then, I will follow up with an email that provides detailed instructions and the deadline that we discussed. I have one first-year JA who seems to struggle with deadlines (not just mine, I have heard that this is a common problem). JA missed a deadline at the end of next week, and I emailed her this morning to let her know that since we need to documents by a certain day this week, one of the paralegals is going to finish drafting the documents for my review. I’ve worked with other JAs over the years, and each of those JAs would typically check in with me before missing a time deadline. I don’t think it’s a lack of work ethic on JA’s part. I think JA is really struggling with time management. JA also tends to be extremely exhaustive in her research and drafting (well past the point of diminishing return). I am not JA’s assigned mentor attorney, but I do assist with the mentoring of JA. What are some good ways to give her constructive feedback, tips I could give her for time management, etc. I’m not concerned with my portion of the timeline, as when I am assigning work, I always make sure I have time for a backup plan.

    1. – has JA been told how much the wasted time impacts the firm and not just late drafts? Going down rabbit holes = time written off.
      – has JA been told to check in after doing X amount of work to confirm she’s on the right track? Or to come back to you if the research looks like it’s going to take more than Y amount of time so that you can flag unnecessary work before it happens?

    2. I’ll bet JA is stressed out about missing deadlines and would appreciate a conversation with constructive ideas about how to address it. Some of the solutions will be driven by what the actual problem seems to be. But I wouldn’t hesitate to meet and approach the problem from this angle while also confirming it is creating problems for the work chain and needs to be resolved. Definitely say out loud “If you are going to miss a deadline, you need to let someone know beforehand so we can address it.” Giving that explicit instruction was necessary for me as a junior bc otherwise I would just hide from the senior person until it was finally done. Super stressful for us all. I also like the “check in halfway through (or by X date) so we know you’re on the right track.”

    3. I’m in a technical field where we make forecasts. This phenomenon is called “analysis paralysis” and it’s usually associated with people who are uncomfortable with uncertainty. I try to counsel my staff members to stick a bow on it and send it out, that we’re in a business environment and not an academic environment, and reminding them that anything we produce is going to be better than people guessing. This may not 100% apply to your situation literally, but I’m sure you can use some version of it.

  23. Honest question about PTO bucket preferences. I see a number of people commenting about separate vacation and sick leave buckets being the only acceptable option and I think I am missing something.

    My workplace used to do that; we got 10 days of sick leave and 15 days of vacation. In practice, this meant that people who were prone to illness would come in while mildly sick so they wouldn’t run out of sick leave later in the year, which meant they spread their germs around the office. At the same time people who were generally healthier only got two weeks off per year unless they were willing to call in “sick” without actually being sick (and being a small town, chances were high they would be spotted out & about doing not-sick things that day and drama would ensue). Enough people grumbled that we moved to one bucket of 25 days that can be used however you like. No one policies reasons for PTO any longer and it is lovely.

    Why do people prefer the separate buckets?

    2. I think the idea is that for those who are generally healthy and don’t have other things eating up sick leave like caregiving, the combined system gives them another ‘leg up’ because we can use the time that others use for sick leave, to have additional vacation time, time to rest, travel, spend time on hobbies etc. I say this as one of those generally healthy people without many obligations. It would be lovely for me to have the 12 sick days/year that I never use up as extra vacation, but I recognize that I am already far ahead in terms of free time over others, so having a combined PTO bucket would exacerbate this imbalance. Because of course having the combined bucket of e.g. 25 days could easily lead teams to give less day-to-day flexibility for folks, so that sick time-type leave could eat far into the PTO, leaving them with effectively less time that they can take as vacation.

    3. We rolled out PTO a couple years ago and it was interesting to see who complained/why.. When we did the roll out, the 2 banks were literally combined, so no one lost aggregate hours. The main area that’s impacted in a PTO roll out is often the bank. Most companies let people bank more sick time, while vacation would re-set. I think if you have a big enough bucket, and a generous enough bank, most employees will be fine under either approach. Also, managers have to be trained to allow the PTO. If people feel they can’t take it, especially when they are sick, people will prefer the separate banks.

      1. I am the thread OP. Perhaps that is why it works better in my case – they actually added an additional 5 days the following year (so we had 10 sick/15 vacation before, then once combined we got 25 days PTO and it bumped up to 30 total PTO days the second year).

        Before they combined the buckets, we could bank unused sick leave but could only use it in a short-term disability situation. So if you were not sick often, you were very unlikely to use that benefit. After combining it we cannot bank it but are strongly encouraged to use all of our PTO. There is also flexibility to spread it over the year end or start of the following year.

    4. We switched to one bucket of PTO for this reason. However, despite being one of the largest companies in the US my company just….doesn’t have a formal system for tracking time off? So within my team, there is a culture of “if you’re sick you’re sick, no need to take time off.” It’s absolutely lovely. So now I get 25 days of PTO and essentially unlimited sick time. I would be very displeased if I had to use any of those vacation days for sick time, because I use almost all of them.

    5. i’ll bite. so i have one bucket, which means that before wfh was permitted in my office I came into work and spread germs because I wanted to save my PTO for actual vacation or if I got super super sick. Since Covid my department is more flexible and I can WFH when sick, but if it was still one bucket I’d still be coming in with my germs and wear a mask. My work wouldn’t be as good, i think WFH is a huge lifesaver when under the weather. If i had separate sick time then I might actually take a sick day and sleep all day and be able to recover sooner, or actually take a sick day when one of my kids is sick instead of trying to work while caring for her. now that I am allowed to work from home it’s much less of a problem for me, but if I wasn’t and I did have separate buckets, I’d be more likely to use a sick day and stay home when not super sick knowing that I would have my PTO to rely on if i got super sick later on.
      I am someone who since having kids gets sick a lot. people in your small town who called in sick should’ve stayed home on their “sick” days. or if someone saw them at the grocery store or whatever, no one should freak out because perhaps they were buying meds…

      1. Do you have fewer days with one bucket than if they were split? Do you not mentally set aside some number of days out of your bucket for sick leave throughout the year? Or do you have such a small number of days that you cannot actually vacation if you did that?

        1. I have one bucket and get 20 days, so I mentally set aside 5 days sick and 15 days vacation. That’s fine for “normal” years, but at a previous job I had 15 days vacation and 12 days sick. I never came close to using 12 days sick, but it was nice knowing it was there. This year I had to have minor surgery and blew through my self-allotted sick time and cut into my self allotted vacation time.

    6. I’m one of the one bucket haters. Selfishly, during the years I had kids in daycare I used 1-2 days of sick leave per month taking care of them and taking time off when I caught their illnesses (I generally worked from home through colds but things like RSV and croup really knocked me out), so if I hadn’t had separate vacation leave I would have never been allowed to take a vacation for a period of about 5 years, which would have really sucked. In the years before I had kids, and the years since with older kids, I was/am generally healthy and haven’t used nearly as much sick leave, but I think it’s unfair to other parents of young children, as well as those with chronic illnesses or eldercare obligations, to make someone spend down their vacation balance when they or their dependents get sick. And finally, WFH has eliminated some of this concern, but having one bucket definitely encourages people to come to the office sick. No one wants to burn a potential vacation day on a cold so if they can’t WFH they’ll come into work, but if they have ample sick leave, they’ll take the day and stay home.

    7. I think reactions to this may be colored by the fact that a lot of places that do combined bucket also provide a fairly small total amount.

    8. The problem is that with one bucket for PTO people come into the office sick to save their PTO for vacation, which gets me sick.

      1. It’s less of an issue if people can WFH when sick (which I think is now pretty standard), but yes this was one of my big problems with it pre-pandemic.

    9. When I had two-bucket PTO, the sick leave was very generous (provided you had a doctor’s note for anything exceeding a few days at a time). Essentially, once you exhausted sick leave, STD would kick in. Sick leave was available immediately; vacation often has to be accrued.

      The one-bucket system often results in less PTO and in needing to accrue sick leave. The only solution is to not take vacation at all for a year, so you have a buffer of sick leave available.

      1. I once had a job that was one leave bucket (15 days total) and it was accrued. In my third week there I got the flu and had to come to work with the flu. I was able to advance 1 day of PTO and then had to come to work for the rest of the week with the flu. I was absolutely miserable. It was inconsiderate to my colleages. It hindered my recovery because I wasn’t able to rest. I’ve had the flu / COVID a few times and this flu was the worst I ever felt in my life.

        At that same job, most of the company got food poisoning at the company holiday party. Many people showed up to work with food poisoning, but a few called out. It was obviously right before the holidays, so people were trying to save their leave. The company announced the next week that it did not charge anyone leave for calling out sick after the party, which infuriated the people who felt like sh!t and still came to work to save PTO days. I called out because I was throwing up every ~10 minutes and couldn’t even get myself to work.

        This job allowed up to a full year’s leave to roll over, so we could build up a buffer. My next job has one leave bucket and doesn’t let us roll over ANY leave so I can never build a buffer. Leave also accrues, so I just hope I don’t get sick or want to travel in the winter… which, of course is when I’m likely to get sick.

    10. I had always had separate buckets (both with roll over) until I got to my current company. We have one combined bucket (18 days) which I feel is not nearly enough.

      I don’t even use much sick leave – prior to COVID I think I called out sick 1-2 days a year and would use a few hours here and there for appointments. I have a medical condition that requires a somewhat invasive test roughly every other year and take a whole day for that since it requires anesthesia. I just really like having the “insurance” of sick days so that if I do get sick, need surgery, or need more procedures I don’t have to burn my vacation days. I also like that my past employer was relatively lax as to what you could use sick time for: being sick, caretaking for a sick relative, extending maternity leave, medical appointments of many sorts (getting a vaccine, therapy, PT, doctors / dentist appointments). My dad is a fed and he’s able to use is sick leave for bereavement / attending funerals as well.

      I could see being okay with one bucket if I had 30 days or something, but even still, I like having the assurance of separate leaves in case I am very sick or require a long hospitalization. Back when I worked in state government, we got 12 sick days a year that rolled over indefinitely; it was nice to know that pretty much no matter what I’d never have to dig into vacation time for illness.

      I am very lucky with my health – I really feel for colleagues with medical issues (or even sick kids from preschool) who burn all of their PTO on medical things.

      I think one leave bucket also is unfair to those with more physical jobs (and those jobs do tend to be lower paying as well). A lot of my relatives have blue-collar jobs that can’t be done remotely and can’t be done if you’re sick or injured. My uncle is a letter carrier for USPS; he’s had a few injuries that would have those of us with office jobs back at work (likely remotely) within a week or so, but it takes months for him to be cleared to return to his job.

  24. My experience has been like yours but I believe people prefer two buckets because people that actually get sick don’t lose vacation time, and also, people aren’t coming into the office sick to save vacation time.

  25. Are we doing holiday gift help threads yet? I need inspiration for DH, who has little and wants even less. I’m trying to come up with a consumable that I can default to for him, like I do for family members with birthdays around the holidays, but he doesn’t really have a sweet tooth or even much interest in ‘fancier’ foods. Any suggestions?

    1. Is there anything from his childhood or other time in his life that hits the right nostalgia neurons and would be a special treat? I have a dear friend who’s very much like your husband and there is one particular candy that he loved growing up and is no longer made. I adapted a similar recipe and make it for gifting occasions.
      If not food, perhaps toiletry or activity.

    3. Lately I’ve been wishing someone would gift me infused olive oil, which you could make or purchase. I’d like garlic infused olive oil for pizza and topping other things. A cocktail gift set with the makings of a cocktail he’d like. Infused liquors. You could also gift time – if he needs extra hands with anything he’s into, that could mean a lot.

    4. Does he drink alcohol? Maybe a fancy bourbon or whiskey, or a beer sampler? Kind of random, but Koeze makes the best mixed nut and cashews if he would eat those.

    7. Consumable – spices? Does he like to do the man ritual of burning protein? If so, he might have fun with some new spice rub blends or condiments.

      Really lovely socks. Not consumable, but will be used up.
      Or nightwear, if he uses any – something you find snuggly or hot on him, and then let him know.

    8. I just learned that Costco does a 24-day advent calendar for wines around the world. Each night is a half-bottle. How did I never know about this? I do not celebrate Christmas, but I bought one.

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