Thursday’s TPS Report: Belted Dress

138 Comments

1. Agree this dress is very flattering and appropriate when you have perfect posture — but as a warning, I have a very similar dress and it needs to be minded constantly because one droop of the shoulders (for example, leaning forward to type) and that lovely, almost square neckline bows out and creates a cleavage-baring tunnel. As a result I only wear it with swingy jackets that are meant to button at the neck…

   1. This would be very revealing on me. I think I’m disproportionately short between the shoulders and cleavage.

   2. Maybe you need to go down a size?

      1. Or if there are seams at the shoulders of a sleveless dress, you could also take it to tailor and shorten the strap length. I am a 34D, and have a short torso. A former mentor, who is a partner at a DC law firm taught me this trick, and it has kept me looking modest and professional in dresses ever since.

         1. I do this all the time. I find that many shirts and dresses have straps that are way too long. Tailors can do amazing things for fit!

      2. I don’t think it’s a fit issue – the dress is the ideal tailored-but-not-stretched-tight on me, and the armholes are at the right location (so I couldn’t shorten the straps). It’s just that when leaning forward, the tension that keeps the straight part of the fabric laying flat across your body is no longer there, so it curves forward w/ gravity. Otherwise, a great dress.

   3. Lovely. I like that it has a matching jacket too.

   4. These are exactly the fit details I love hearing about on Corporette. Thank you, Cat.

2. Threadjack right off the bat…

   Ladies, I have an interesting dilemma. I’m in Boston. My office is business casual. I’d describe my style as preppy with some flair.

   Anyway, I have to go to Red Bank, NJ in 2 weeks to conduct 3 days of training. I’ll probably see about 200 people.

   My problem is that from what I’ve seen of the people from the NJ office, my wardrobe is too conservative and by that I mean, that I’m not flashy enough. My boss’ boss is in New Jersey and her wardrobe is unbelievable (big hair, lots of makeup, short skirts, etc).

   Does anyone have any recommendations for what I should wear? I want to look polished, but not bland. I should tell you that Red Bank is on the Jersey Shore, apparently. Also, I think it will be hot so I’d prefer skirts or dresses. The other advantage or skirts and dresses is they probably wouldn’t wrinkle as much. Also, I have nice legs so…

   Oh, and if anyone knows anything about this region, e.g. things to do or see, I’d love to hear about them…

   1. I don’t think it would be unusual for the person conducting the training to be a little bit more formally dressed than the audience. I certainly wouldn’t go the big hair, short skirt route (Yikes!). I would probably wear a sheath dress with a cardigan and add a large necklace for a bit of pop. Another alternative is a pencil skirt with a more colorful top. Red Bank is a cute little town, but I was there a long time ago so don’t really have any recommendations.

   2. I don’t think you’ll be comfortable raising your hemlines and hairspraying your hair into a closer-to-God style, so what I would do is throw in brighter colors. A brilliant silk scarf, perhaps, or a bright belt. Nordstrom has (had?) those Halogen ponte knit pencil skirts on sale in blue and green, that might be an item to bridge the gap.

   3. I would brighten your look up with bright colored blouses and chunky jewelry – definitely don’t go the short skirt/big hair look! :) I agree with Lydia that it is OK if you are more formal/conservative than the people taking the training.

      1. I think Red Bank is a very classy conservative town. Pay is high there and people have money. I think the look is more polished than Boston, but it is definitely a suburban kind of place. Kind of like Concord, MA.

   4. Is this a serious question? Rude.

   5. This has to be a troll.

      If not, you’re one offensive, judgmental, sheltered person.

   6. Second the recommendation for a dress with a cardigan and fun jewelry. I don’t think you need to be as flashy as the audience! I haven’t been to Red Bank in a while, but I don’t remember it being particularly “Jersey Shore”-esque.

   7. I’m not the big hair type. I usually don’t wear any makeup, but I’ll put some on for this. And I think I’ll go with knee-length skirts.

      I actually have to pick up a pair of pants at Nordstrom so I’ll check out those Halogen skirts. I have to figure out whether blue or green is a better color.

      As for sheath dresses, right now I have beige, navy, brown, madras and a black/white print. I think I’ll bring the black and white one. The madras is definitely out. And maybe I can style the navy one with some red. I do have a lot of red in my wardrobe.

      1. That sounds fine to me. Also, I bet the NJ coworkers don’t all dress up to your office’s standards when they go visit you, no reason to dress down in an extreme way for them!

   8. I went to a training in Miami with attendees from all around the country where the wardrobe was “business formal”…turned out that meant very different things for different regions.

      All the NYers and Bostonians were in buttoned up black or navy suits. The southerners tended to have brighter colors. The west coasters were in what the East Coasters would call “business casual”. I think we all just accepted each others differences. :-)

      But I agree with the above posters who say that they’d expect a trainer to be more “formal” then they themselves are. So I think you’ll be fine in your normal, boring Boston best. (I say as a fellow Bostonian, I should mention).

      1. Ditto TCFKAG. Our firmwide event invites will say “business” – the East Coasters and Chicagoans show up in full black or navy suits, some even 3 piece suits. The southerners show up in lighter or colored suits, with lots of floral prints for the ladies. Us west coasters, especially the Californians, never seem to manage a full suit and are at best, business casual, with nary a tie+jacket combo in sight :). I don’t think it’s a bad thing at all. The regional dress differences are a good conversation starter/ice breaker every time.

         1. I’m from the south originally, and one of the most interesting things about working on the west coast for me has definitely been that suits – at least, on women – seem to be the province of junior attorneys. I can’t remember the last time I saw a senior woman in a suit. I see lots of business dresses, but in my office, if a woman is in a suit, she’s probably a summer associate on her first week.

            That said, I’m not a litigator, so it would probably be different if I were in court.

            1. Ditto, a bit further north still. The only time I wear a suit these days is when I’m doing a formal transaction closing.

            2. ditto to the Southwest. If I wear a full suit people ask me if I am a) in trial, or b) interviewing for another firm. lol.

   9. Seriously? I live ten minutes away from Red Bank and dressing professionally in NJ is no different than dressing professionally anywhere else. I’m sorry if your coworkers in that office fit the stereotype but the vast majority of people from NJ do not dress like someone on Jerseylicious or Jersey Shore. No need to fist pump as you walk through the door or paint your body orange either. You’re not going clubbing. Just dress like your normally would. As a life long New Jersey-ite I don’t appreciate the insinuation that everyone from the state is trashy and tasteless and that you need to dress down or be flashy (or trashy) to fit in. Also, Red Bank is a great little historic town that has a lot of upscale restaurants and antique shops … it is not Seaside Heights.

      1. I am sorry if I offended you. I really didn’t say anything particularly bad. I just described one person and that person wore leopard and suede, etc.

         I am not planning to dress trashy, but I wanted some tips to modify my wardrobe a bit. I tend to wear a lot of black, grey and beige.

         After this training, I am going to get a lot of people calling me and contacting me for help. I want to present the right look so that people know I’m professional, but also don’t want people to think that I’m too standoffish or unapproachable.

         And I honestly can’t find much information about the area so I’d really appreciate any tips. Seriously, the only sites I found were through a site for the Jersey Shore.

         1. If you had one tacky dresser from your office would you expect someone from another office to assume your whole office dressed that way?

            Seriously?!?! I find it hard to believe any professional, competant person would make that assumption. This has to be a troll.

            If not, people commute from Redbank to NYC. There’s a NYC ferry in redbank and a commuter train line. Most east coast NYC area people dress way more professionally than the rest of hte nation.
            Food for thought.

            1. I am not a troll. Seriously, I love this site, but the number of attacks I’m getting for my question make me want to abandon it altogether.

               Please respect me and my question. I am not trying to offend anyone.

         2. Well, as I read your original post, it implied to me that you felt that in order to fit in with the New Jersey office you would have to dress more like your boss’ boss’ who wears lots of makeup, short skirts, and big hair. My point is that the vast majority of people in that office will not be dressed like that and there will be no expectation for you to dress flashier than would otherwise be normal in the summer, where certainly in most places people wear more colors etc.

            Anyway, if you’re looking for something to do, I would explore Red Bank itself. There are fantastic shops and tons of great restaurants and it’s very walkable. There is also a great arts cinema house there that plays independent films if you want to beat the heat and stay inside. (Red Bank itself has a tourism website you can check out) Or drive down the shore a bit to the real shore and walk the board walk at night after work – Point Pleasant has lots of games etc., or if you want something quieter I’d check out Spring Lake which also has a great down town area.

         3. “Also, I have nice legs so…”

            I think Ellen has a new moniker.

            1. I have to say it’s getting kind of annoying that everyone who says anything remotely questionable is now deemed by the commenters to be “Ellen.”

               It’s not a witty comment to make, and really hasn’t been 99% of the time it is made (not singling you out, 9999999). Bunkster has made plenty of comments on this site before, btw. Clearly not a troll or a fake poster! And what is so wrong with someone acknolwedging their positive attributes? Do we have to be self effacing all the time? I have great arms and like to wear shift dresses, I could have made a similar comment about that. It was clearly meant in joking, light hearted manner . . . Sometimes this site gets a wee bit too serious for me.

      2. THIS! THIS! THIS! I am originally from New Jersey and those trashtastic “reality” shows are the bane of my existence! With the exception of those poor excuses for human beings that they put on shows like the Real Housewives of NJ I had never seen people like that in my life! Much less in a professional setting.

         Ok, rant over.

         I think you should wear what you normally would to work, I would just add a nice smile and a friendly handshake ;-)

         1. I live in Chicago. Abroad I should just wear a pin “Ask me about Al Capone”. ;>

         2. Okay. Thank you. And for the record, I know that NJ is not one big stereotype. I have family in Mendham.

            But my company might be – at least a little bit. The woman in question is the Director of my department.

            So I’m going to take all your advice and just wear some brighter accessories or tops.

            I may have to do some shopping anyway. The following week, I’ll have to train our New England offices.

         3. I’m originally from Jersey, too, and I think it’s all hilarious. (I particularly love the South Park episode where they parody them.) Of course, I’m also Italian, and constantly get upset when the anti-defamation league starts complaining about things like The Sopranos. As far as I can figure, I can only benefit from people (incorrectly) assuming that I might have mob connections. :)

   10. Oh, also, I just got off a conference call and it turns out I’m going to have to spend one afternoon doing training at the Palisades office. I know nothing about that office.

       1. Dress as you would at home. No need to change your style with your location.

          And Palisades is more like Boston than the Shore, if it matters.

   11. I just wanted to say that I didn’t read you as troll at all. I got the sense that you were just looking for help getting a read on the area, and your only contact (the boss that dresses, uh, flashy) seemed a bit out there, so you were trying to gauge if that was REALLY what it was like.

       It really didn’t merit a jump on the troll bus.

       Good luck with the presentations.

       1. Ditto this. And, maybe people who are taking offense would be helped by knowing that some of we Bostonian women occasionally get stereotyped as snooty/nerdy/intellectual/standoffish/overly formal due to our style of dressing. I have found when I travel to certain areas (NJ and Georgia recently) my more casual colleagues sometimes make weird assumptions based on me wearing a suit or a blazer all the time and very little makeup.
          My guess is that Bunkster has experienced this and wants to relate to her coworkers/trainees better on this trip.

3. Wow, New Jersey isn’t just one big stereotype. Just worry about presenting yourself in a professional manner, and don’t denigrate the good people (who happen to also love hair products) of NJ.

4. Corporettes, I think my boyfriend is depressed. He says he’s sad all the time and sometimes he cries for seemingly no reason. His job is truly awful, it’s being outsourced and he’s training his replacment, though the company is not firing anyone whose job is leaving the US, just moving them to a different group. And, sorry for the TMI, but he’s having trouble getting “excited.” I had a good friend in college who was depressed to the point of being suicidal, and since she was a girl, it was easy for me to encourage her to get help. But I don’t know how to recommend that he utilize our company’s EAP without hurting his pride or telling him he has a real problem. Can you wise women help? TIA!

   1. Hopefully others will have more to say, but as a depressive myself, I would want to hear “I love you and I think you need some help, more than just I can give you. What would you think about calling your EAP?”

      I don’t have any pride on my bad days. What I do have is the incredible sadness, plus even more sadness because I’ve been told by plenty of people that I NEED help – just not from them. (Psychiatrists included.) I guess what I’m saying is, it would be nice to offer him help to get help.

   2. Would we hesitate to refer someone to our internist or GP? Probably not. But encouraging someone to sit down and talk with a therapist takes guts, and I think you are right to do this for your boyfriend.

      Maybe you could gently tell him that he’s had a whole lot of stuff going on right now, and that you believe he deserves to have someone help him through this. Sometimes having an independent voice tell you that you are not crazy and that you have real reasons for your stress/depression can go a long way. Tell him you worry about his health in the same way that you would if he had the flu, and remind him that he doesn’t have to be on medicine (for some reason – probably our ignorance – I think people worry about the side effects of being on medicine) but that he can just go to talk. Right now, what’s important is that he talks with someone about these changes and if medicine is needed to get him through this time, let the doctor – not you – be the one to tell him that.

      From what you say, it sounds like it’s already having physical manifestations. If he absolutely refuses to see a therapist, encourage him to go to his doctor and try to be adamant that he tell the doctor about his deep sadness. Good luck to you both.

   3. How much of his depression do you think is related to his job? I have few friends who have pretty severe physical manifestations to stress and the only thing that really helped them was getting out of the work environment that was causing the problem. There comes a point where a job is so unbearable that even medication/therapy is not going to help. If he really hates the job/company, I can see why he might be apprehensive to go to the EAP. He might do better talking to someone totally unrelated to the company instead.

   4. Would he respond if you approached the subject operationally? “You’re going through a tough time, and you’ll get through it. You’ll get through it faster and more easily with professional help.” Sell it like hiring house-painters. Sure, you can paint yourself, but the speed and convenience of professionals can be worth it.

   5. Depression is a medical issue. I have strong feelings about this because I lost a very close (male) friend to suicide.

      If he has a “real problem,” as you say, acknowledging it and being supportive probably won’t hurt his pride or his feelings.

      If he has a real problem, he needs serious and non-judgmental support.

      If he has a real problem, it’s not a personality flaw on his part or a failing on yours.

      Encouraging him to seek the assistance of a therapist or medical professional who can help him is probably the best thing you can do. But know that if he doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to pursue it, it’s not your responsibility. Don’t judge him, and don’t blame yourself either.

      1. Truly sorry for your loss. Are you OK?

      2. My father committed suicide when I was 20 and my brother got very close a few years back, but luckily was still able to reach out a bit and is now on anti-depressants. I can only encourage you to treat this as a disease like any other.

5. Does anyone know off the top of their heads the difference between all these Tahari brands? I tried on a Tahari (Elie, I think) suit this weekend and was (pleasantly) surprised to find that it was made of wool, instead of polyester, and that it was $400, instead of $99.99. Is the Levine Tahari the cheapo high-waisted polyester pants? Is Elie the “good” Tahari? I’m hesitant to order any Tahari online because of this confusion.

   1. Elie Tahari is the good Tahari.

   2. I agree with SFBay assoicate below. Elie Tahari is the good stuff. I cannot afford it full price though (sigh!). However, I snap up anything in this brand that I can find on Ebay that is ‘gently used’!

   3. Yeah, took me a while to figure this out. Elie Tahari is the good one.

   4. Elie Tahari is the most upscale and pricey of the lot, but I have had surprisingly good luck with Tahari ASL, at least for dresses. You won’t find a wool blend necessarily, but the quality is still good and the prices are very reasonable (at Ross or Nordstrom Rack, you can often find Tahari ASL dresses for $40).

      1. How is the sizing on the ASL dresses? They seem to have them on ideeli fairly frequently, but I haven’t pulled the trigger yet because I don’t have any experience with the brand.

         1. I usually wear a size 4 in most dresses, including ASL dresses. I think it’s pretty TTS. If you live near a Ross or Marshalls or even a Macys or Nordstrom, perhaps consider going there and trying a few on to get a sense of the sizing.

            1. Thanks! I’ll see if the Macy’s or Marshall’s near me has something for me to try on next time I’m there.

         2. In my experience, sizing is a bit on the generous side. Comparable to anything you would find in Macy’s, etc., which, I think tends to run a bit larger. If you have any experience with Calvin Klein career dresses (not the “fancy” line), it’s very similar.

            1. Definitely agree. Sizing is completely different between Elie Tahari and Tahari ASL.

   5. Elie Tahari is the designer label which is generally carried at places like Bloomingdales, Nieman Marcus and Saks. Elie Tahari licensed his name to Kasper, Arthur S. Levine. The new brand became Tahari by Arthur S. Levine and is sold at stores like Macy’s and Dillards. Jones Apparel Group now owns the Kasper, Le Suit, Anne Klein and Nipon brands in addition to their own Jones NY brand. Presumably they also own Tahari ASL. My guess is that all of these suits are made in the same factories but using better fabrics for the more expensive brands. Incidentally, Elie Tahari co-founded Theory but later sold his share of the business.

      1. Elie Tahari is on Rue La La today.

   6. Elie Tahari is on ruelala today, but it’s mostly more casual things. I’m considering the white blazer though….

   7. I just tried Elie Tahari for the first time on my recent visit to Las Vegas (Premium Outlets, yay!). I can report that I was quite pleased with the fabrics and quality, and to my shock and excitement, the dresses are actually cut for people with hips. I bought a gorgeous, simple black sheath dress for work and had to be dragged away from this (which, sadly, wasn’t on sale, and which, by the way, fit quite a lot longer on me than on the model in the link): http://www.shopbop.com/emory-dress-elie-tahari/vp/v=1/845524441894077.htm?folderID=2534374302122853&colorId=10126&extid=affprg

      1. I bought that dress this weekend! It was on sale at the Philadelphia Premium outlets for about 260. I also got a black suit and a black sheath. My total was just under 500. I love the Elie Tahari outlet! Before I discovered it, I would just go to Neiman’s and look at the clothes I wished I could afford (well, that I wished my husband would buy for me, because I’m still in law school! I promise to make it up to him in the future!)

         Can I have a little thread jack/ bragging moment and tell you all, from the anonimity of the internet, that I recieved my second semester 1L grades yesterday and that I got straight As (and an A+ in my legal writing course.) This is much, much improved from my first semester and I’m so excited, but I feel like I can’t really or shouldn’t really tell any of my law school friends. I know I have a long, long way to go yet, but I am so much more optimistic about my legal future today.

         1. Way to go! And what a great way to go into OCI! I wouldn’t blame you if you printed out your grades and put them in a (relatively inexpensive) frame and hung it at home until next fall :) A nice visual reminder of what you can do!

         2. Congratulations! No, don’t say anything to your law school friends…but brag away here :)

         3. Congrats!!! That’s wonderful. I had the same situation as you — not the greatest first semester, then aced my second semester with a 3.9. You’re in really good shape for OCI. Go and celebrate!

         4. Congratulations! I never stressed over grades at all until Law School, but I know that when you do well there, it really feels good!

            I’m not private about grades at all, but the culture at my school was that it was a strict secret. I found it helpful to have about 2 friends that I had “full disclosure” with, though. You feel like you have to compare notes with someone.

            1. I do have a couple of people, but one of them didn’t do so well in one of our classes, so she wasn’t much in the mood to hear about my grades (I don’t blame here, I woudn’t have been either if I were in her shoes, and I may be there in the future so I need to keep good with people!) Thanks for letting me get it out of my system ladies!

         5. Congrats!! You should be very proud.

   8. Heads up- I blew through Marshall’s on my lunch break today and saw several Tahari dresses (mostly ASL, I think), a ton of cute, work appropriate Calvin Kline dresses, and even Theory dresses- all under $60!

6. Exercise motivation threadjack – my normal workout schedule was derailed a few weeks ago because of a crazy work schedule, and I’d like to get back on track. Work is still crazy, so it’s hard to get free in the evenings, and I’ve been snoozing through my alarm in the morning (to the point where I can no longer to go the gym due to lack of time).

   I know I need to push through this plateau – what do you say to yourself to drag yourself out of bed (or off the couch) to go to the gym when you’re not super motivated?

   1. CW, I’m the same. If you find a way to exercise early let me know….

      Or you can be my virtual conscience……:)

   2. That I’ll actually have more energy if I go work out. I always do.

      Can you take a 30-min break in the late afternoon/early evening to work out, and then come back to work? Don’t know if that would work for you based on work demands, but I find that I often have a slow period in the afternoon where I might as well spend 30 minutes running and reviving my energy level than wasting that amount of time trying to focus.

      Good luck!

      1. Do you shower afterwards? I wouldn’t have thought it would be worth it for a half hour, time-wise, if you have to shower and wash your hair afterwards- but I am a very sweaty person and would have to, especially in the summer.

   3. I recently did a two week bootcamp. Knowing that I paid for it motivated me not to press the snooze button and the two weeks gave me enough time to get back on track.

   4. In the short term could you scale back your normal workout schedule? If you normally run 4x per week how about walking, or running 2x per week. Scaling back the committment may make regular exercise easier.

      I think we sometimes see exercise as an all or nothing thing, but incrementalism sounds like your friend here.

   5. I am veryinterested in this as well. I belong to a fabulous gym, but it seems to cater to ladies who lunch crowd. Lots of great classes in the morning and between 4 to 6 pm. Who get off from work that early to get to those classes in suburbs after a train ride? I feel annoyed that I cannot go to these classes.

      Given my long commute each way, the best thing I found was to work out in the morning at home and then make it to the gym for that rare7:15 class.

      I need all ideas I can get about motivating myself to work out in the morning.

      1. Ugh, this is how most of the gyms near me are too. Sorry, no, I can’t make a 9:00 AM or 4:00 PM class. There are a few at my local Y that are early enough, but unfortunately those are not the classes I would want to take.

   6. 1. “You can either do it or wish you did.”
      2. “How do you want to look six weeks from now?”
      3. “It’s working. Just trust me.”
      4. “Sucks but works.”
      5. “You’re exercising your willpower.”

      1. I’m a pretty vigilant morning exerciser, but I go through these spells as well. When I get off track, the thing that works for me is to commit to just going once — tomorrow. Not, I am going to work out 3x over the next four days — simply, I am going to drag myself out of bed tomorrow, and that’s it.

         I find that once I remind myself how much better I feel when I work out in the morning, it immediately becomes easier. I then find myself having more motivation to go in the following days, and before I know it I am back on track without having made any of the (overwhelming) commitments to myself that usually don’t work.

         Also, is there something you can do on the one identified day that you will look forward to? I go to a spinning class that I love on Tuesday mornings, and almost always have more success getting up then.

         1. Sorry, meant this to be a reply to CW, not Anonymous (although I second her sentiments!)

   7. Sometimes the problem with the snooze button is can be (partially) solved by getting to bed a little earlier. I don’t know what your evenings are like, but I think that making sure you’re getting enough sleep helps tremendously.

      Also, if you are a coffee drinker and have a coffee maker witha timer, setting it so it will be done when you’re getting up may help. The smell of coffee in the morning always is a good motivator for me personally.

      As for general movitvation, maybe trying on some clothes that are tight/don’t fit quite as well as you would like could give you something to aim for.

      1. Re your last comment – that is exactly what made me start running. I was trying on some party dresses from about 5 years ago, with an upcoming event in mind, and found that they wouldn’t zip up. It was enough to start me on the Couch to 5K track. I have kept one of those dresses (my favourite) on the back of my bedroom door where I will see it every day, to keep me motivated.

   8. Schedule a trainer. You don’t have to make it a permanent thing since it can be expensive, but if you have an appointment and money on the line, you are more likely to drag yourself out of bed.

   9. Here is some motivation for you (heard this on NPR last night and then hopped over to the Washington Post for the full article):

      http://www.npr.org/2011/06/01/136855656/74-year-old-redefines-looking-incredible-at-any-age

   10. Thanks, everyone! The tips are very helpful – and I will be repeating your mantras in my head as I look at the alarm clock and fight the desire to snooze! I need to shift my thinking to a one-day-at-a-time thing, so I don’t feel like a failure if I can’t commit to 3-4x a week. And I already feel guilty when I sleep in, so there’s a motivating factor!

       And Oneanon – oh my goodness! That woman 1) is amazing, and 2) looks amazing.

   11. I hear ya. I had the hardest time waking up (I seriously can hit snooze for an hour before waking up) and due to work, happy hours, dinner plans with friends, I realized I have to work out in the morning. I’ve been doing it so far for a month and I actually took the advice of a Corporette poster (can’t remember who, but thanks for the tip!) I decided to not work out right away in the morning (as that is not motivating enough to me) and think of something else that would motivate me to wake up. So instead, I allow myself to wake up, stay in my PJs, watch morning TV talk shows and drink tea for half an hour. So it’s like I’m half asleep and SLOWLY letting myself wake up. Then I put on my work out gear, have a glass of water, and go! And I LOVE it. I will say it’s been so nice to get it done with and then I don’t feel crappy the rest of the day/week.

   12. As my celebrity boyfriend Tony Horton says, “Write down how you feel when you blow off your workout. Write down how you feel the moment your workout is over. Compare the two.”

       I also do what Anon 12:06 does and I get up well before I work out. I might get up at 6:00, have some coffee, slowly wake up, and then go out the door at 6:30.

       I also read once that to keep up a regular exercise routine when you’re very busy, you should commit to not missing two days in a row. So if work or life or fatigue keeps you from working out today, tell yourself you can blow it off but you must work out tomorrow. It really helps!

   13. You need to find the schedule that works for you; I realize everybody’s different, but I’ve found (after decades of being a compulsive work-out-no-matter-what training addict) that if it’s a choice between getting enough sleep and getting exercise, sleep is more important. Sleep and nutrition are essential parts of training, just like physical activity is.

       //climbs down from soapbox

       If I’m on a morning workout schedule, I just don’t give myself a choice in the morning. The alarm goes off, I get up, I work out. Anything else is not an option. But that’s just me.

   14. When I get in a “snooze” rut, the only thing that helps is to move my alarm clock across the room so I have to get out of bed, walk across the room, and turn it off. I read somewhere that you can use your computer as an alarm clock, and the specific software makes you log in, open the application, and turn off the alarm.

       I usually put my medications and a glass of water right next to the alarm clock, and my workout clothes in front. Then it’s all autopilot…

       1. That’s a great idea. The act of getting out of bed would definitely help – so long as I’m not asleep on my feet, there’s no reason not to put on my gym clothes.

       2. Either move your clock across the room, or set your clock radio (if you have one) to a station you absolutely despise. Trust me, you’ll be a lot more motivated to get out of bed and go turn it off!

   15. This may not help you in the immediate future, but how far away do you live from your gym? When I was a 15 minute drive from my gym, I hardly went. Now that I live a block away from my new gym, I end up going about 3-4 times a week. Proximity makes an enormous difference.

       1. Oh, Legally Brunette, if only that could be my excuse… the gym is in my building and just an elevator ride away. Haha.

          1. Ah, I see. :) :) :)

          2. My gym is across the street from work…so I take a long lunch break 3 times a week and do a 30 minute workout (with changing and a quick shower it ends up being an hour out of the office).

             This works great for me since my evenings are really dedicated to my 1-year-old son, and by the time he is asleep I am on my way to bed as well!

             Although DH and I have discussed taking turns going running in the AM…hmmm…may need to start that and stop just talking about it. :)

7. Help!

   I agreed to host a baby shower at my house. Unbeknownst to me, my pregnant friend invited 50 people to the baby shower. She did not ask before she sent the invites, and there’s no way I can host a group that large.

   I thought baby showers were small-ish, between 15-20 people, and I’m a little miffed that she would invite so many people without asking me how many I could accommodate. Were my expectations out of whack? I have to deal with this today, so any thoughts would be helpful. I’m especially concerned that now that the invitations have gone out, there’s no turning back.

   What to do! What to do!

   1. OK, I wouldn’t freak out yet, because not everyone who is invited will come. This is especially true if she invited out-of-towners. You could easily wind up with about 30 people, or even fewer. I agree that it is strange/rude that she would send invitations without conferring with you first about how many people, but now that it’s done, it’s done. What are you concerned about specifically? Actual physical space for that many people? If so, do you have an outdoor space that you might be able to use? Seating for that many people? Food for that many people? I think we need more information to try to help you address your concerns.

      1. Thanks, another anon. My living space cannot accommodate so many people. I can only hold 25 standing and 18 sitting, at most. I don’t have any outdoor space either. I understand that not everyone will come, but I suspect that more people will come than I can hold.

         I guess, if I’m being honest, I’m totally pissed that she would invite 50 people I don’t know to my house with out asking me first.

         It reminds me of the saying “no good deed goes unpunished.”

         1. Hmm, I think you are going to have to talk to your pregnant friend and give her a heads up that you may need to consider a change of venue depending on the number of RSVPs you get. I would phrase it in an apologetic way to her, even though I agree with you that she is the one who was rude here.

            Maybe the shower could be hosted at her place instead? I once co-hosted a shower with someone and we held it at the showeree’s house. I know it will be a pain to contact everyone and let them know about the change in venue, but hopefully your friend has email addresses for most of the people who were invited. Another possibility would be if there is a mutual friend who would be willing to offer up her place if you provide all the refreshments etc., which presumably you were planning on doing anyway. Good luck!

   2. Are all 50 people attending, or were there just 50 invites? I wouldn’t expect that more than 2/3 of the invitees will be able to attend.

      If you can’t accommodate the number of guests who actually attend, I’d just call her and say that you are sorry for the miscommunication, but you can’t accommodate that many people in your home. Tell her you’re still happy to play the role of hostess but you need to find a new venue for the party. Perhaps she knows of a friend who has a larger home, or perhaps you can move it to a restaurant (although if everyone doesn’t pay her own way, that can get pricey).

      I’ve never been to a shower that large, and I think it’s rude that she didn’t ask you first before sending out invites. Actually I’ve never heard of the guest of honor doing the invites herself – normally she’d provide a list to the hostess and the hostess would send the invitations. But unless you want to cause a rift in the friendship, there’s no way you can back out of hosting completely at this point.

   3. I’m guessing your friend has been to your house before. In that case, my guess is that she wouldn’t have invited all 50 people if she didn’t think there was some way to fit those who were likely to attend in your house. I’d bet there are a lot of out-of-town friends or relatives who will just send presents.

   4. Depending on how “planned” you want the shower to be (lots of organized games and formal meal? or casual mingling and snacks/buffet)?, you could also try making it more of an “open house” shower rather than a full 3 hour event for everyone?

   5. I was in a very similar situation. We offered to host a baby shower for a dear couple that we have known for a long time. They ended up inviting 80 people!!! Fortunately, only about 50 people or less showed up, and we had a community room in our apartment building that we rented. Do you have a similar party/community room that you can borrow for the day? If not, you need to be candid with her and either change the venue entirely or else do an “open house” sort of thing where people show up at different times. However, that latter option isn’t ideal because the whole point of a baby shower is to play games, and it’s hard to do that in an open house set up.

      1. Church “social rooms” are really good for that sort of thing, and usually low priced or free. (Of course, that only works if you or the mom-to-be is churchy, but it might help.)

   6. Any showers that I’ve been to have been “come and go”, so it was never the full guest list for the entire time. I second the thought that if it was 50 invitations, there’s no way 50 people will actually show up. Is there a park or picnic area close to your house? You could probably get away with some kind of cute, “follow the baby steps to the party” or something if it’s within walking distance.
      I do think it’s odd that the showeree sent out her own invitations… she should have at least mentioned it to you beforehand. How else would you know how much food/chairs, etc. to provide if she didn’t give a guest list?

   7. While I may be in the minority here, I think you need to have a frank conversation with your friend and shouldn’t sweep this under the rug. I think you need to be up front with her and maybe even ask her about the expectations she has of you as the hostess (i.e. full blown meal, nibbles, dessert? games?). You are willing to let us know about your frustration, I would hope that in your friendship with her, you would be willing to do the same.

8. Threadjack about wardrobe mishap yesterday. I work in a large office of a financial services company. The dresscode is business casual, though many people look as if they just rolled out of bed. I’m on the young end, so my wardrobe is less conservative but still professional (and polished, I think). A lot of people are out this week, and I really wanted to wear my new pair of white pants. I paired them with a deep blue shirt that is sheer. I put a camisole underneath which I thought made the shirt opaque. I glanced at a mirror in the hallway in the office: sheer. Not professional or cute. I hope not a lot of people saw me.

   1. So, here is where I tell you that:

      a) everyone has made at least one major wardrobe mishap once, and you should learn from the mistake and not beat yourself up for something you can’t change, and

      b) a sheer shirt, no matter what you put underneath it, is never appropriate for the office. A sheer shirt with a camisole under it says “beach,” not “business.”

      Again, don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t do it again. :)

9. My boyfriend is turning 30 years old at the end of June. We’ve been together for six years now, and I’d love to do something really memorable and special to celebrate his birthday. We live in Colorado, and he is super outdoorsy and loves to camp, hike, ski, go sailing, etc. He also has great taste in clothing (which sometimes makes it hard for me to shop for him because I’d hate to get him something that isn’t just right.)

   I have a few ideas. I’m thinking of hosting a get-together with close friends at a local brewery. I’d love to take him on a glider plane ride around the mountains but I doubt we’d be able to make the weight limit cut of combined 300 lbs.

   Anyway, I’ve been so impressed with this blog and the thoughtful responses people share and am hoping you may be able to weigh in with some advice. What events/birthday gifts have you done for your significant other that was a total hit? Any ideas you think I should try? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

   1. What about parasailing? What made me think of it is that my SO really wants to go on a glider ride, but he went parasailing (actually, with his stepmom for her bday last summer) and had fun. I just googled and saw that there’s a company that does parasailing on the Colorado River, not sure if that or any other places that do it are near you.

   2. Do you like to hike/camp too? What about planning a backpacking trip for him? I did a 3 day backpacking trip in the Chicago Basin/Needle Mountains area a few years ago and it was really awesome – you can fly into Durango and take a train to the trail head. Or hiking in and out of the Grand Canyon – that is supposed to be amazing. Or a rafting trip down the Colorado River?

      I want to go outside. Sigh.

   3. Can you afford a weekend trip? I am also from Colorado (haven’t lived there for decades but go back often). I love the area around Moab, UT for a long weekend getaway. It’s about a 6 hour drive from Denver metro area, and you can go camping, rafting, slot canyon climbing (which is AMAZING), hiking, etc. And there are several good wineries and microbreweries for your more relaxing days. Highly recommend.

      1. Second the Moab recommendation. Amazing area with tons of activities.

   4. What about a hot air balloon instead of a glider? Or for something more active, perhaps crossing a few significant 14ers off your list? Or for camping, I really recommend Sugarite Canyon State Park just over the NM line – it’s usually not too busy, has great trails, and beautiful little reservoirs. It’s located in an old coal mining site, so you can still walk thru the abandoned town, and it’s close to Folsom and a neat (inactive) volcano you can walk up. *sigh* I miss CO and the West!

      1. Wow! So many great ideas. Thanks everyone! I’m feeling inspired. I’ll start doing a little more research to work out the logisitcs, but I think one of these will work out :)

   5. My BF is a huge baseball fan (as am I), and for his 30th I took him on a surprise weekend trip to Cooperstown. We both loved it.

10. Urgent threadjack! The situation: I’m a second year associate at a big law firm in City #1. My husband works in City #2, which is 2.5 hours away. We live in the middle and commute (1 hour each way by car for me; 2 hours by train each way for him; i.e., 6 total manhours of commuting per day). We are expecting our first child in September. I just got a job offer at a big law firm in City #2. I like the people and the practice, and would love to end our arduous commutes, especially with the baby, since the commutes will prevent my husband from seeing the baby (I will drive the baby to daycare in City #1). The firm that just offered me a job doesn’t know that I’m pregnant. Any thoughts on (1) how to broach the subject of the pregnancy with the firm; (2) whether they are likely to give my paid maternity leave without me negotiating for it (they offer 18 weeks, but I know many firms require associates to work for a year before being eligible); (3) whether I am eligible for unpaid leave if they won’t give me paid leave (will research later but have to do work right now); and (4) how to negotiate paid leave (I would ask for six weeks, with the option of taking additional unpaid leave if medically necessary). I don’t think I’ve seen this precise issue discussed before, but if there are threads, I’m happy to refer to them. Thanks, and sorry if this is incoherent– I’m super excited right now!

    1. Also, I welcome thoughts on the advisability of switching jobs right now. I am well-liked at my current firm, and have a reputation for being a hard worker and doing good work, so I feel like they are more likely to cut me slack if I slow down later in the pregnancy/when I come back due to being up all night with the baby, etc. (not that I plan to work less hard, but I’m aware that it may happen). Since I would be at the new firm for only two months before having the baby, I wouldn’t have much time to build up a good reputation.

       1. After seeing your follow-up, it might be worth trying to postpone starting the new job until after you have the baby, if you can. But I would definitely try to have both your job and husband’s job in the same city – parenting a newborn is hard enough without awful commutes!

       2. How difficult was it to find a job in City #2? What’s the market like overall? I echo Diana – no matter how hard you think it will be to juggle job and kid, it will be twice that hard in reality. And it’s very very difficult if your backup (i.e. husband) is 2 1/2 hours away. If you feel that you were lucky to find the job in City #2 at all, I would probably just take the leap. And definitely negotiate hard – you might be surprised at what job in City #2 might be willing to give you.

          1. Thanks for the input. I’ve been looking since the end of January, and this was the first interview I’ve had. During that time, I only found three jobs for which I was willing to apply (yes, I’ve been picky, but it’s early in my career and due to my husband’s career I need to maintain flexibility for the future which required me to be choosy about employers).

             This afternoon, I found time to research my state’s disability leave laws, and it appears that my employer is required to give me 12 weeks of leave paid from state disability insurance (albeit at a fraction of my salary). So now the issue I have to consider is whether I will be starting off on the wrong foot at the new job by taking maternity leave so soon. Also considering whether I want to negotiate with my current firm to move to its office in City #2, and maybe commute to my current office one day per week. The problem with this scheme is that my firm’s office in City #2 doesn’t have anyone from my practice group, and the partner from whom I get most of my work really hates assigning work across offices because he likes being able to sit down and have an in-person chat about cases.

    2. I would call the partner with whom you interviewed/got along best, and say that you are really excited about the job and happy to accept their offer, *and* that you are pregnant, due X date, and want to talk about your options re: maternity leave. You want to make sure that you are accepting the job (which I think that you are, right?), not dependent on whatever leave you end up getting.

       Another possibility might be to start job #2 after you have the baby and take maternity leave from job #1, but that depends on how busy firm #2 is and whether they can wait for you to come on board (some practice areas are not as busy in the summer).

       1. Thanks. I think whether I accept the job may be dependent on leave, because if I am unable to take time off for the period that I am physically unable to work (e.g., if I’m out for six weeks after a c-section), I can’t take the job. I guess I need to research maternity and disability leave policies so that I have a better understanding of these issues. I’m not sure if they’d let me wait until November to start since I would be replacing the only associate in the practice group in that office.

          1. Aha. In biglaw you should at LEAST be able to get disability if they aren’t going to be able to give you the 18 weeks – what would they do if you had an accident and had to have surgery and be out for 6 or 8 weeks? I would try to negotiate for as much as you can get – maybe the 6 weeks disability plus 2 weeks of vacation from 2011 and 2 weeks from 2012, if that works. It depends on how helpful the partners/HR are and whether they can make you fit into the policies. I would guess you’d be able to get 8-10 weeks paid at least.

          2. My thoughts as someone who was recently in a similar situation…

             1. Once the baby arrives you will NOT want to deal with such a commute. Babies go to bed around 7 or 8 (my 1 year old goes to bed at 8) and even if you only work till 5, that is max 3 hours a day you will get to see him or her. DH recently turned down a better job so that he could have a 15 minute rather than 45 minute commute for this reason.

             2. How far along are you right now? If you are still in your first trimester, I wouldn’t even tell them before starting, or just give the information as a “BTW”…as in “btw, I can’t wait to start, but you should know that in 6 months I am going to have to take 6 weeks or so off.

             3. If they don’t like the news, and you don’t have a big future there, at least you will be in the town where (it sounds like to me) you really want to be, and you can make contacts and look for something else.

             4. I guess I should also say CONGRATS on the job offer and the baby!!

             I’d be curious to hear the follow-up on this – what did you decide and how did it work out. Keep us updated! :)

             1. Oops, just saw that you said you would only be working for 2 months…tough call but I would still say to go for it, if only because of the commute…

             2. Great points. And don’t forget that kids can be very fussy in the car. A one hour commute each way to get a toddler to and from daycare can be extremely tough on you and bebe.

             3. Thanks for the thoughts! I’m going to have lunch with some people from the new firm next week (I only met one partner and want to meet the rest of the group), and I’ll talk with the partner privately about the situation then. I’ll post an update after that.

11. I’ve been having a lot of difficulty lately finding suit jackets or sport coats that aren’t too tight in the shoulders and upper arms. I know I have gained weight recently, but this seems like a weird place to go up a size. Plus, all of my old jackets still fit fine. I hate to go up a size, since then I would have to take in the rest of the jacket (waist, sleeves, etc.). Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions on brands or stores which might carry jackets meant for people with broader shoulders?

    1. I don’t have any suggestions (sorry!), but I will say that it’s not that unusual to go up a size in suit jackets if you’ve gained weight. I used to be a size 8 in blazers, then gained a bunch of weight, and had to size up to a 14 to be comfortable (button my jacket, move my arms forward, etc.). Now that I’m going through the process of losing weight I’m able to fit more comfortably in my intermediate sizes (and hoping to get back to my size 8’s soon).

    2. Hate to tell you, but your old jackets have stretched slowly as your arms have slowly gotten bigger. Fabric will give up to a point. You need a larger size – it’s not at all unusual to carry some weight in your upper arms.

       So sayeth a woman who hates her upper arms :).

    3. I have that same problem, and always have. I’ve had luck with Jones New York, and sometimes Limited jackets. Cardigans are your friend right now.

       But yeah, that’s the first place my suits get tight when I gain any weight and it makes me feel like Tommy Boy.

    4. My upper arms are carry flab in a way that’s always made m self conscious, and I think, that is disproportional to my overall weight/physique. I’ve been feeling this even more acutely lately, what with a ton of court hearings requiring suits, and also the weather getting nicer and wanting to wear more short sleeve or sleeveless tops and feeling self conscious.
       I don’t have much specific advice other than trial-and-error to see what jackets fit your body type best. For me, I gave up on Theory which was a great fit in pants & skirts but seems to have drinking straws for sleeves on suit jackets. Depending on the style and fabric (i.e., 100% wool, cotton, linen will all stretch naturally and the less nylon/spandex the better), Brooks Brothers, J. Crew, and Ann Taylor have had jackets that fit comfortably…less so Theory, as mentioned, and Loft and other lower-end lines that in my experience cut more corners on fabric/ cut. I’ve never gotten a Talbots suit, but I imagine they might work out as well, since people often comment on boxiness. As with all of our wonderful quirks, the solution is often tailoring—in this case, buying larger sizes and having the shoulders or waist taken in as needed.

       Anyway, I totally sympathize. Everyone has (or says she has!) “problem” areas, but I always the arms were a particularly unfair one because they can’t be hidden easily!

12. I tried this dress on at Dillards. Pros: It is really nice fabric, especially for the price abd was a great length. I’m 5’10” and it hit me right at the knee…unheard of in most department store lines! The cons: It was just an awkward fit. The 8 fit well overall (my usual size) but the top just…gapped for lack of a better way to put it. It doesn’t look all that low cut in the picture, but it was low enough to make me uncomfortable to wear it to work. The straps were also too narrow for me; sleeveless is great, a tank just looks too bare for my office comfort level.

    The matching blazer was really pretty but the sleeves were too short for this tall girl with long arms (as are most lines, sigh…).

    I liked this dress, but the fit was just not right for me.

13. I seem to have missed the memo on white blazers, and most of the stores I’ve visited recently are already sold out of them. Can anyone recommend a less than $50 white blazer still available in stores? Would love recs on non-see through white pants as well. Thanks!

    1. I personally don’t like white blazers, unless they’re linen. Under $50? That’s difficult. You might try looking for sales at J. Crew.

14. It’s a little high-necked for me, but here is a great Elie Tahari sheath dress marked down to $137 with an additional 20% off with code sale. It’s available in 3 colors. http://www.lordandtaylor.com/eng/womensapparel-Emory_Sheath_Dress_With_Matching_Belt-lordandtaylor/163891

15. I used to wear a lot of clothes produced by Tahari Petites. Unfortunately, all the sheath dresses and virtually all the jackets were made from rayon. Although I didn’t mind having a closet full of black and dark blue office clothes, it would have been nice if the quality had been higher.

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