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Thursday’s TPS Report: Betty Sheath Dress

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Stylish Work Outfit: Ottoman Betty Sheath DressI've often admired the vintage vibe with this Betty sheath dress, now on sale over at Boden. I like the roll neck, the back detail, the sleeves, and the work-appropriate length — all strike me as the makings of a great work outfit. Inside, I like that it's fully lined, and that it's a machine washable dress. It was $148, but is now marked to $103 today, the last day of Boden's sale. Limited sizes are left in regular, petite and tall sizes. Ottoman Betty Sheath Dress

Psst: on the hunt for a more basic sheath dress? Check out our most recent roundup of stylish sheath dresses!

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

235 Comments

  1. This is definitely up my alley, in fact it’s not too dissimilar to the red sheath dress I’m wearing today, but this is so much classier! Gah, too bad I’m trying to avoid spending money on myself . . . be strong, Trashy, be stong! Fingers crossed for good post-Christmas sales :)

    1. Same. But I’m also trying to upgrade my wardrobe. But I also bought two dresses this week… augh!

      1. I want to upgrade mine too. Been wanting to swap in some neutral shoes and cardigans after they’d go better with my red clothing . . . now my black ones make me cringe, but I’m really trying to make do with what I have. Maybe I’ll start the new year with better spending habits because of it? Who knows.

    2. I have this dress and its great. Only thing is that I am busty and it really accentuates this with the cut. Any suggestions on what type of cardigan to wear over this?

      1. I have it too and am very busty. I don’t know that a cardigan would look great with it, but a good bra keeps everything looking…smooth.

        I heart everything Boden lately.

        1. Looks like we share a love of Boden, so lets talk sales… Do their clothes ever go more than 30% off? So far with the $15 off coupons they mail to me that I can stack with the 30% off, seems to be the best I can get. Also any commentary about the shoes quality?

          1. I’ve been hearting and buying Boden’s fit-and-flare dresses lately, being an extreme hourglass. At last! Dresses for me. (Talbots too but the quality and finish of Boden is better.)

            Yes, they will have sales as the season progresses; items disappear quickly though. I have their multi-color pumps with the tassels on the front. They are lovely. Well made, soft leather. I find the toe box a bit long though. They have been my first shoe purchase, due to Boden rarely putting shoes on sale. I liked the blue/purple/grey enough to get the black/grey and white/pink polka combinations as well. I wear them about 1-2 time a month, so I cannot yet talk about durability. That being said, I always get compliments about these beauties…

          2. I’ve been hearting and buying Boden’s fit-and-flare dresses lately, being an extreme hourglass. At last! Dresses for me. (Talbots too but the quality and finish of Boden is better.)

            Yes, they will have sales as the season progresses; items disappear quickly though. I have their multi-color pumps with the tassels on the front. They are lovely. Well made, soft leather. I find the toe box a bit long though. They have been my first shoe purchase, due to Boden rarely putting shoes on sale. I liked the blue/purple/grey enough to get the black/grey and white/pink polka combinations as well. I wear them about 1-2 time a month, so I cannot yet talk about durability. That being said, I always get compliments about these beauties…

          3. OOoh. So jealous am I !!!! I’ve found that they have one, only one, storefront in London. No indication of an outlet anywhere. But I’m going to try to get to the storefront during a vacay “across the Pond.” Fearing that it will not have discounts and sales – and the troubles of getting cabs to/from as it’s not in a touristy-district.

            How do I find out about sample sales for Boden?

          4. I think I signed up for their emails and learned of it that way. It was truly awesome. Good luck!

  2. I have this dress – in this exact color! I posted a week or so ago about it, actually, asking for advice on how to winterize it. A few people spoke up on blazers, which is what I’ve done, but would love to hear other thoughts – especially on cuts that would go well with the unusual neckline.

    1. For me, I think of how this would go with black tights, so that usually means a jacket / cardi with black in it if not solid black. And then a necklace or something (I’d say also scarf with this color and black in it, but that neckline seems hard to do with a scarf) that is longer.

    2. I have had trouble with Boden dresses making me look pregnant (and I don’t have a flat tummy, but I usually have a small tummy relative to my hips and have to take in the waist, so a surprise). Maybe they solved that this year with the waist placement and fabric cut?

      1. I am having the same problem! I was just googling how to deal with that – I’m working on my core and everything, but I just got a really cute sweater dress that is really emphasizing parts I don’t like. I’m trying to decide on a jacket or something to pair with this:

        http://www.thelimited.com/product/slubbed-sweater-dress/3142203.html?cgid=tall-dresses&prefn1=saleStatus&prefn2=sizeType&dwvar_3142203_sizeType=Tall&start=21&dwvar_3142203_colorCode=296&prefv1=regular&prefv2=Tall&ppid=c21

        Any recs, hive?

    3. I think you could also put charcoal grey with it, maybe open cardigan and grey tights.

      1. Love this idea. Don’t know why I didn’t think of grey! I have done navy and white so far, but I think grey would look really chic.

  3. It’s cold and my husband and I are dreaming of a tropical, adults only vacation. He really wants to go to a resort that has the “floating” rooms/huts over water. Has anyone every stayed somewhere like that and could provide me with a recommendation?

    2. I have seen those types of things in Bora Bora. Not in person, unfortunately, but the pictures look amazing.

      1. Staying in an over the water hut in Bora Bora is one of my dream vacations. We normally try to do our big vacations on points/miles but the Starwood ones are an absurd amount of points. We could probably save up enough for 1 night but it’s way too long of a flight for that! Someday I’m going to make it happen though!

        1. This would definitely be a dream vacation for us too! I don’t think the husband realizes that yet, ha.

      2. We stayed in an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora for our honeymoon recently and it was amazing. I’m not even really a “beach person” and I was in heaven. It’s expensive but the Le Meridien Bora Bora frequently runs specials, so you can get it down to a slightly more reasonable rate if you’re able to find a deal. Totally worth it!

      1. air tahiti often has surprisingly good deals out of LA – definitely sign up for their emails

    4. We did that in Bora Bora and Moorea (both in French Polynesia). I thought Moorea was nice but too similar to Hawaii and not worth the price for the overwater hut, but we felt we got every dollar worth at Le Meridien Bora Bora. Bora Bora is expensive but Le Meridien is comparatively cheap (when we went, it was about half the price of the Four Seasons/St. Regis) but is a true luxury hotel experience. Bora Bora itself is crazy beautiful – I’ve been to tropical islands all over the world (Hawaii, Caribbean, Fiji) and have never been anywhere that’s even half as beautiful – so I’m sure you’d be pretty happy there no matter where you stay.

      The Maldives is on my “dream vacations” list and most places there have overwater huts. I don’t think (based on pictures at least) that it’s as beautiful as Bora Bora but we’re big snorkelers and the sea life there is quite different than anywhere else we’ve been (whale sharks!).

    6. We honeymooned at the Intercontinental Bora Bora (Thalasso Spa). Booked a package (flight from LAX and hotel) through Costco travel of all places, and stayed the first two nights on the main island of Tahiti. The Intercontinental was less spendy than the St. Regis but still luxe… all of the rooms are over-water bungalows and get more expensive the further out into the water you are. Sigh. I’d go back in a heartbeat. Have fun!

    7. We honeymooned at the St. Regis in Bora Bora – it was very pricey but we never otherwise travel like that and don’t regret any of it. But most resorts in Bora Bora have overwater huts at various price points – try the Intercontinental, the Sofitel, the LeMeridien, etc. Other islands in Tahiti also have overwater huts. It was magical – I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Flight is about 8 hours from LA to Tahiti, and then short connecting flights to smaller islands. Also try PacificForLess – I got better deals from them (ask for Claudia) than Tahiti.com, and friends of mine had similar experiences.

    2. Really? It didn’t really strike me as inappropriate coverage wise. My problem with the retro look like this is that it invokes “women as secretaries or typing-pool girls” in my brain, rather than the professional they would be working for, but that could just be me watching too much Mad men.

      1. Very much a Joan dress…but if you aren’t putting a “Joan” body in it, I think it’s fine for work.

    3. I agree. It’s not actually too low but it gives the impression that it’s low. I also think it may feel weird to wear a cardigan over a dress with that much action in the back, it looks like it could feel or look lumpy. Which is too bad because I otherwise love this dress.

    4. I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing it to work, but I’m not sure if I’d notice it on others.

  5. I am going to show my ignorance of the law outside of what I’ve been doing the last 7 years, but here goes . . .

    I am the owner of a diesel Jetta that is part of the VW scandal. VW has offered a we’re sorry gift card package for affected owners. Owners do not have to waive their right to sue in order to accept and use the gift cards; however, the gift card cardholder agreement states that any arbitration must be brought in Souix Falls, SD. I haven’t received the cardholder agreement yet, so I don’t have the exact language in front of me. I planned to join a class action, as well as use the gift cards. What does the arbitration language mean for me practically? While a lawyer, I have never touched anything related to litigation.

    1. I’d like to know this too. I am also an owner of said vehicle – in fact, it’s my second one of that affected class. I decided not to accept anything from VW as I’m waiting to determine which suit to join, but I’d really like to know from this horde of lawyers what we ought to do.

      1. The VW Goodwill package does not require you to waive any right to claims against VoA. I fully plan to join a class action as well. At the end of the day, I’m not sure it matters which class we join, as I expect them to be consolidated at some point, but would appreciate advice on this point as well!

      2. I would NEVER sacrifice the right to arbitrate for a cheep gift card. FOOEY on that!!!! The manageing Partner warnede me tHAT Arbitration is never a good thing b/c the arbirtrator is usueally a freind of THE OTHER side and unless you are ON the other side, you will get shafted. DOUBEL FOOEY ON THAT!

        Sheketovits got arbitration after he got fired and he got ZERO dollars for his troubel. He was a looser, but it hapened. FOOEY!

    2. Is it possible the arbitration agreement only applies to disputes about the gift cards, i.e. they say they’re worth fifty bucks but yours is only loaded with thirty, and not the actual legal dispute over the diesel problem?

      1. Great point. Once I receive my package, I will read the cardholder agreement for that specific delineation.

    3. This is something I know a lot about. Google “mandatory arbitration ” and read about it in the websites of Public Justice and National Consumer Law Center. Companies include arbitration clauses specifically for the purpose of preventing class actions.

      1. Although Anon above May very well be right that the arb clause applies only to disputes specifically about the card.

    4. Of course the usual caveat applies that this is not legal advice, I am not your lawyer, etc. but if you do a little googling there are articles discussing whether to accept the gift cards and of particular concern is clause 11 that could prevent future litigation by accepting the gift cards.

      1. I bought my car approximately two months prior to the scandal breaking. I paid a premium for my car over the TSI because of certain differences, including improved mpgs and performance. There is a very good chance I will lose some of the improved mpgs and performance in whatever the recall fix is. I was (supposedly) sold a clean diesel car, but my car is not, in fact, what was represented to me. You are free to disagree with me, but I believe I will have lost the amount of money I spent on the car as represented, versus the car in reality. And yes, I of course realize the arguments of normal car depreciation, but this exceeds normal car depreciation.

        1. Also… you were deceived. You purchased a product in reliance on representations that there not true. Companies should not be entitled to deceive consumers without legal consequences.

        2. My FIL has a diesel VW affected by this, and a big consideration is that your car has likely lost a substantial amount of its resale value.

      2. I don’t own one, but if I did, I would join one of the class actions because the company fraudulently induced me to purchase its product by misrepresenting said product’s environmental performance, which is something I care about and consider in my purchases. If I bought one of these cars, I did not get what I paid for. The resale value of the vehicle is shot. Fixing the emissions systems will likely reduce performance (again, consumer is not getting what she paid for). Although EPA has said owners can continue driving their cars, I personally would feel uncomfortable driving one, knowing my car was in violation of emission standards that exist to protect public health. I also would join a class action because Volkswagon made billions from this consumer fraud and it needs to be held accountable. Lots of little injuries to millions of people, none of whom have the power or damages to warrant individual suit, is the classic rationale for a class action.

        1. I totally agree with you on the wrong of misrepresenting the car’s environmental performance. That alone should be compensable although reduction in performance and resale value are worth more.

    6. The cardholder agreement will almost certainly be with the issuer of the gift card, not Volkswagen (based on the location, I’m guessing Citibank). Unless it’s drafted in an unusual way, the arbitration clause will be limited in scope to claims between you and the issuer.

      1. Thank you! The media reports I have seen note that VW has said it’s part of the bank agreement, so this makes complete sense. I haven’t seen the agreement yet, so I was working with only what was presented in the media (which I don’t trust).

    7. One thing that may be relevant toward your decision whether to accept the gift cards: I believe I recall hearing/reading that 50% of the amount of the gift card is only valid toward purchases from Volkswagen.

      1. You are correct. I need a 60k service and oil change done on my car, which is how I had planned to use the VW-only portion of the package. Before activation, I will read the documentation more closely of course to make sure those things are not excluded.

        1. I read this is needing a $60,000 service and oil change, and couldn’t figure out how it could possibly be that expensive. Toke me a long time to realize it was a 60,000 kilometer service and oil change (or at least I hope)

          1. Hahaha, OMG, I’d drive it off a bridge if it cost that much!! Yes, 60k mile service :)

    8. I’m late on this but I am a class action lawyer and I would highly recommend calling one of the firms involved in the VW litigation and asking them directly. This is fairly fact-specific to this case.

      Try Lieff Cabraser if you’re looking for a firm that’s involved in the litigation.

  6. I went to a long meeting yesterday where I realized while working on reports with my client that I had done about 90% of the deliverable work on my team in our performance period. Which is kind of insane, especially since I’m the junior person.

    My project manager is in town next week – I was thinking about asking for a meeting and asking for a raise. She is remote and off-site, so I don’t see her often, and she doesn’t really do any of the hands-on work that I do. I make a point of forwarding kudos emails to her, etc. but that is all she really knows. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to point out that I’ve been doing SO much more work, though? The other person on my team transitioned during November, and she left a mess in her wake I have been helping to clean up (senior management has recognized this, but only informally), and I have doubled my productivity this month. But I just feel like it sounds a little crazy to say that. (FWIW, have been here ~16 months, no raise or COLA, did not negotiate salary at the start)

    1. makes sense to ask for a raise if you haven’t had that conversation in 16 months, but make sure that you are giving an accurate assessment of the work you’ve done since you started, not just since November. It might make sense to have a bigger career-development conversation about the quality (not just quantity) of your work and say that in your limited time there, it seems like you are outperforming your junior title.

      1. Oh, yes, it probably makes sense to add that my client(s) are super happy with my work and I get a good amount of recognition for my performance from senior leaders on the client side. So I think it’s not just quantity, but quality – providing more deliverables that continue to exceed expectations.

        Unfortunately, my company is pretty small so I think I will be, at least for now, pigeonholed to my current position. But if there straight up isn’t room for advancement, I guess I want to know that as well.

  7. How do you raise a healthy, happy and confident child? How did your upbringing teach you to be healthy, happy and/or confident?

    DH and I had a very similar upbringing and have been discussing parenting for our 7 month old.

    On Health – DH and I are both a little overweight and generally inactive. As kids, we spent a lot of time in front of the tv and our parents could not afford to enroll us in sports and did not otherwise encourage us to be active. We now try to take regular walks and eat healthy, especially with our 7-month old starting solids. We tend to overeat so we are trying to make sure we dont encourage that in our son.

    On Happiness – this is one where I credit both of our parents. They raised us in a loving and nurturing environment and we have no lingering childhood issues (save some sibling rivalry…). We love our parents, family, and are content in life. Not sure if there’s anything specific here, other than letting our kid know he is loved and being supportive.

    On Confidence – despite both my husband and I being successful, we lack confidence. I’ve never been one to walk up to somebody and start a conversation for fear of being judged. I speak softly and find myself avoiding eye contact. How can we encourage our child to be confident? My dad had very high expectations for us and was often over-critical of minor mistakes, so we are actively trying to avoid that.

    Curious to know everyone’s thoughts, advice, etc.

    1. On health – I mean, I am solidly single and childless so I can’t really volunteer too much advice on this. But my mom started me on weight watchers at 9 and I have struggled with weight my entire life. So has she, though she has lost a lot and started smoking again after my parents’ divorce. I’d just try and lead by example here – I used to binge on candy and cookies at school because I was so restricted at home. It wasn’t until I got out and was an adult that I started paying attention to how foods make me feel. So, setting an example of paying attention to how certain things interact with your body + making exercise/activity fun and living a healthy lifestyle as a family are things I wish I had been raised with.

      1. On the counter side of this – I was a little chubby but never unhealthy as a child (and I played a lot of sports), and I’d occasionally get comments about my weight, probably starting from when I was about 10. I think that really negatively affected my relationship to my weight and body and even now, decades later, I’m hypersensitive to any comment my parents make about my weight. Weight is something my mom struggled with so I get what she was trying to do during my childhood, but I really wish she hadn’t made those comments. FWIW, I have a wonderful relationship with my mother and she was rarely harshly critical with me, but this did stick with me.

        1. I’ve been listening to the podcast referred to above for as long as it’s been out and the most common theme is: “I hit puberty before my peers and was a foot taller and 40 pounds heavier than my peers but healthy weight for height when I hit [10-14] but because [well meaning adult and other children] said something, I’ve actually grown into an overweight adult”

          It’s horrible that we’ve all been subject to this but I feel less alone in this struggle now that I know.

          The takeaway for me is, when I have my own kids/see kids like this, I want to constantly reassure them that they’ve just grown up faster than their peers.

          1. Also, my parents enrolled me in all kinds of sports (and I’ve always been pretty active) which only added to the “we’d love you more if you were thinner” message.

    2. Thoughts –

      On Health – I credit my love for fresh fruits and vegetables to have access to them fresh out of the garden growing up. Dad had a big garden that we all had to help with (weeding, picking off potato bugs, picking cucumbers for pickling), but there is nothing I love more than carrots fresh out of the garden (taste better than store bought!) or munching on raspberries while picking. I think young kids are pretty good about eating what they need, and the kid is going to be doing so much growing over the next few years, so I wouldn’t focus too much on overeating yet. If the pediatrician starts to raise it as an issue, listen, but I wouldn’t worry about it yet. The best thing you could probably do right now is figure out your own relationship with food and get comfortable there so you have good habits to model when the kids gets old enough to notice.

      On Confidence – let your kid take the lead on what interests him, but give him/her the opportunity to try (and fail!) at different things. Praise effort in addition to results. “Congratulations on that B+ test! I know you studied hard for it!” Raw talent is great, but putting in the work is going to be more important just about every time. Give her/him a creative outlet – music lessons, art lessons, woodworking, computer programming – something where s/he can make something that took skill and practice. There’s something very satisfying about being able to say “I made this thing (it’s it cool!).”

      1. I come from farm people and have planted a lot of edible plants in my yard (blueberry bushes!) and have a garden. My daughters love to harden, but they still won’t eat what we grow. Nevertheless, it teached them about botany, patience, foresight, etc. and gets them outdoors.

        Ultimately, you have genes and you have habits.

        Getting outdoors should be a habit. My sense is also that the more you are outdoors, the more the TV and mindless muching problem solves itself.

        If it’s cold and yucky and/or dark, indoor art and buiding (blocks, duplo, whatever is age-appropriate) and books (board, etc.) are much better than TV.

        Keep food in the kitchen. Sit when you eat and turn the TV off.

      2. I totally agree with the Dweck approach to praise (effort vs result) but I might suggest taking it a step further and instead of saying “good job on the B+,” just don’t mention the grade at all: “I’m really proud of how hard you studied for that test!”

        As for confidence, I have crazy amounts of confidence (in some areas — mostly in doing kinds of stuff vs being). When I was growing up, I was never allowed to say “I can’t” about anything. Instead I had to say “I haven’t learned to yet.” So not “I can’t do long division” but “I haven’t learned to do long division yet.” I was often frustrated because I felt like “yeah, that’s what I mean!” but I think it had a good effect on me. It just never occurred to me that there were things I couldn’t do if I put my mind to them.

        Based on many, many recommendations, I’ve just started reading “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk.” Highly recommend it. It addresses a lot of the happiness/confidence issues you mention even if indirectly.

        1. Eh – I think there still needs to be some emphasis on result, but that might be more appropriate as the kid is older (MS/HS). You want to instill the mentality to “work at something until you get it” early on, but ultimately results are going to matter more than the work that goes into it for college and beyond. So I feel like it’s more of a spectrum. I may not have articulated it well in my example. (See! Failing and learning to do better :) )

          Another side of this for developmental play – let the toddler fail at getting the square block in the round hole. Let them do some of that (really basic) discovery on their own, instead of showing them the “right” way to play.

          1. But the kid doesn’t actually control the result. The kid controls the inputs. If the kid has put in all the effort s/he can, whatever comes out has to be okay. It’s fine to use it as a data point, but I’d be much more proud of a kid who really worked at it and pulled a B- than a kid who breezed through an A+. The A+ is great for college admissions etc., but it’s not anything to be particularly proud of. I breeze through a lot of intellectual stuff but what I’m most proud of is the marathon I ran. My time was total cr@p for any serious runner, but it required grit and effort in a way that getting good grades in school never required for me. The As are good because it’s what got me the job I have now, but in terms of what to emphasize for a kid, I’d be all about praising what actually took elbow grease.

          2. I don’t think we are actually disagreeing. Yes, emphasis on the hard work. Especially early on, so a kid develops the skills to learn how to learn.

            But also an eye on how that hard work turns into results. Maybe not necessarily a value judgement on the result, because the kid doesn’t always have control over the result, but how to work with the results you do get, or how to focus your hard work into results that you can control.

            Learning how to quit something that isn’t working, despite all the hard work you’ve put it. Knowing that even though you have sunk all this hard work, time/energy into something doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.

    3. Healthwise – check out the book “How to Get Your Kid to Eat: But Not Too Much” by Ellen Sattyr. Don’t be thrown off by the slightly icky title – the book is amazing. It’s the only parenting book I ever read that completely changed my approach and philosophy on some aspect of raising my kids. It’s perfect for anyone who suspects that their own relationship with food isn’t the best, and who doesn’t want to pass that on to their kids.

    4. My husband comes from a European country where everyone is super active but organized sports for children are basically unheard of. I find focusing on being active vs. a number on the scale is a much healthier example to set for kids. So things we do (that I never did as a child) that really keep our family active:

      1) go to the playground a lot but leave the phones at home – focus on swinging on the swings etc – play with the child on the equpiment don’t just watch them play. Often we will go directly from work (meet at playground after daycare pick up even if we can only play for 15-20 mins then go home and do supper/bedtime)

      2) walk/run/bike with kids – don’t watch them do activities – do it with them- make it fun (e.g. if you’re just walking down the street in your neighbourhood – play ‘I-spy’

      3) buy good rain gear – this is hardest one for me to get used to – go outside no matter what the weather – my kids love it – sometimes it’s pouring rain and we take a walk to the mailbox to mail a letter just to get outside and so they can jump in puddles.

      I will say that my kids sleep a million times better on days they have been outside a lot. The biggest thing I learned from his family was to get outside together even if only for small amount of time because 20 mins every second day is still more than an hour a week.

    5. I’m not a parent so take this with a grain of salt. I super highly recommend reading the book Mindset by Carol Dweck. It has some very practical information on things like how to praise a child for things like effort instead of outcome so that they learn that mistakes happen and aren’t afraid to try new things.

      To try to summarize the book, she has done a ton of research on what she calls the growth mindset and the fixed mindset. In the growth mindset you see your traits as something that can change. So you may not feel intelligent at the moment but you know if you work at it you can increase your intelligence. The fixed mindset is the opposite. You feel stupid and think you will be stupid forever so there is no point in trying to change it. That is just a quick example. I definitely recommend the book and have also recommended it to my siblings who have children.

    6. Great topic! I am a single mother (successfully co-parenting with my ex-husband) of a 7 year old boy. Like DisenchantedinDC, I too started WW very early (age 11). Food/health were my #1 concern in the formative years of raising my son because I didn’t want him to every struggle as I did (and sadly continue to). Get active and stay active. Children learn by example; good and bad. I used to get on the scale everyday, until I noticed by son doing the same thing. Around 4 years old, I overheard him grumble and say “UGH, this number won’t move!” The scale was packed way. We eat well, he even eats Paleo (sometimes) and participates in many sports and loves Crossfit. My son even said he hopes my next husband is a Crossfit Games Athlete (a girl can dream!)

      Please be very careful with the expectations you have of your child. I too was the product of an over critical environment. I try not to be that way but a lot of it is in our DNA. If you are Type A, odds are your child will be also. So they will grow to be hard on themselves. Which can turn into anxiety, etc at a very young age. We are dealing with them now. At the root, every child needs to know they are loved unconditionally and are safe. If you are doing that, you’re doing everything right!

    7. For health, my parents made a point of making sure I did some sort of physical activity. They tried to push me to do sports, and that obviously didn’t fit, but they were thrilled when I got into dance and cheerleading. When the kid is old enough for it, research some sports, dance, and martial arts programs in your area, figure out what’s affordable and viable from a schedule/transportation standpoint, and have the kid choose something from those options.

      As far as diet goes, moderation is key. Allow some “junk” snacks but limit them to 1 or 2 per afternoon, and put a reasonable limit on dessert sizes.

      On happiness and confidence, focus on helping your kid be the best version of him or her self, rather than try to force them into a conventional model of perfection.

    8. Just to ask the question – do you need to raise “high-achieving” children? At the end of the day, you say you and your husband are both happy – that is something many high achievers (all people, really) struggle with. If you think of your lives as a system, pushing for changes in one area may impact the others – so sure, you might not be overweight, but you’re not happy either.

      2. YEAASSS. It took me a lot of time and a good bit of therapy to realize that I didn’t need to be an on-paper, commonly recognized in society, highly-achieving woman to be happy. The high expectations set for me in my childhood both by my parents and by me led to numerous problems.

      3. Cheryl Strayed has a great quote about this that I love – “You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts. You have to pay your electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that’s all.”

      4. +1. This whole thread makes me kind of uncomfortable, honestly, because I’ve seen this sort of parental focus on engineering a kid’s psyche go so, so, so wrong. OP talks about confidence, for example, and frames it as something she and her partner lack. Yet the examples just make them sound like introverts. There’s nothing wrong with introversion! And more to the point, some people are just going to be that way, no matter how many times their parents torment them by forcing them into social boldness (ahem, speaking from vast experience there).

        Can parents “change” their kids? Of course, by both conscious and unconscious pressure or more passive modeling. But as I get older, I am becoming more and more convinced that the greatest gift a parent can give is acceptance.

    9. My husband is kin to someone who is morbidly obese and parents mainly by yelling at her obese (but not yet morbidly so) son and/or hooking him up to an xbox/other devide and having him pop a lot of Ritalin. They do not go outdoors except to get to the car. A person walks their dog or it otherwise sh*ts in the yard (and someone comes to clean that up). I feel bad for the boy, but can’t really do anything, especially since we live on the other coast and visit mainly at holidays.

      This Thanksgiving, we were informed that we are to be the boy’s guardians. I know that it is unlikely that this will ever come to pass, but I think that this will be an awful lot of shock for him since we are pretty Amish (not really, but you get the idea) compared to him and he’d be cut off from all of his East Coast relatives (who I guess are unfit?). I feel like we’d do this, but I don’t think the mom gets that we seem to live as two different cultures (like if he spends hours a day gaming, you realize that we’d not allow that in our house at all because we don’t want our children living like that; we’re also not yellers: if you ahve something to say, go into the room where the person is and talk in an inside voice).

      1. Are you sure you’re the best guardians for him? You can say no if you don’t think you are (no one can demand you take their child). It sounds like you don’t respect his mother at all. If she passed away, far beyond missing his XBox, I think it would be devastating for him to live with people who didn’t love or respect his mother as he was grieving for her. (And even if you thought you’d never say anything bad about her to him, he’d still be able to feel your attitude toward her.)

        1. This is someone I barely know, so I am pretty surprised. Husband’s relative and they aren’t close. I think it’s like a lot of family: he loves them, but they grate on him.

          I think we’re the only people who are stable (jobs, roof over our heads), which isn’t a terribly high bar. I have a friend who had to take in several nephews when her sister finally got into rehab, so I feel like you do the best you can when circumstances require (so if the local aunts/uncles step up if and when, I’d really defer to them as that would make so much more sense).

          If it were “my people,” I’d have a little talk. But I tend to not want to create drama with DH’s relatives.

      2. Or, you could just take the willingness to name you as a guardian as an indication that they think your family would be able to provide a good home for your son. Yes, you parent differently, but this a worse case scenario choice. His not getting as much xbox as he is used to is going to be a pretty small issue for a child whose world is turned upside down because he has lost both parents. You aren’t around this child very often so you may not be getting the clearest picture on what his needs or home life looks like. I think you are making some assumptions here.

        1. I may well be and it’s unlikley we will become close enough to see for real. But bugs me is that there are some much closer (actually and geographically) relatives are getting totally passed over because they may be a little scratch-and-dent (is there truly no one? the other single mom relative who dotes on the boy would seem to be such a better choice? the younger brother who is maybe a bit failure-to-launch but is in his 30s and works? the grandmother in her early 60s?), which makes me a little stabby. It’s like saying that other people can’t be good parents (or good-enough parents), especially if they are single parents, when that just isn’t true.

    10. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as a new mom. My spouse and I both had happy childhoods and are generally pretty happy now — we are SO grateful. These are some of the things I am hoping to emulate: On confidence, my parents had extremely high expectations for us in terms of how hard we worked, but they really led by example rather than expecting a certain result. They were in academia and had to work every evening, so we all just did our homework together. That meant that we always did all our work. They also read to us daily until we were in high school, which I think opened our eyes to a lot of literature (children’s and adult) we wouldn’t necessarily have explored on our own and gave us the confidence to do our own exploring. On health, the best thing my mother did was never complain about her appearance in front of me. I can’t remember her doing it even once. Yes, I did have my body image issues around puberty, but much less than many people, I think. My parents exercised and took us out to play a lot, and family weekend activities were often biking or hiking. I always enjoyed those things, and while I didn’t really get into “exercising” until I was an adult, still enjoy outdoor activities. We also had limited sweets at home, but did have some – no real restrictions, which I credit to having a healthy attitude about food now.

    11. I think about this a lot. My sister and I were both raised by a very critical, high-achieving perfectionist mother, and it made us both into nervous wrecks. I think this is such a common thing right now, and I keep reading these really depressing news articles about children killing themselves because they are so stressed out about school and their non-stop over-scheduled, extremely competitive lives. I think at a certain point, we need to put our collective societal foot down. The vast majority of kids today don’t seem to be healthy, happy, or confident.

      Personally, I plan on handling it by having low expectations. I don’t care if my daughter doesn’t get straight As. If she wants lessons or wants to play a sport, fine, but she doesn’t have to. I’m definitely not signing her up for any classes as a toddler, except maybe swimming lessons. My sister is doing the same thing with her kids. Just being way more laid back as a parent and not pushing *so hard* all. the. time. We’ll see how it goes.

    12. Could not agree more that one of the best things is to lead by example. In recent years I’ve realized that a huge part my siblings and I are confident, happy, healthy, and in a good relationship with our parents is because of the example they set. We were only allowed to watch tv on Friday nights (whaddup TGIF!). We never kept junk food in the house and never ever ever had dessert at home or even snacked between meals unless it was vegetables or fresh fruit before or after dinner. Our parents controlled the food supply and the TV time. It simply never would have occurred to me to eat outside of a meal because that wasn’t when it was allowed, just like watching TV was only allowed at certain times. To this day, I also have never ever heard my mom comment on her (or our) body, appearance, or eating habits in a negative way. The only time the body was discussed was in a sports context (you were running so fast!) or in a growing context (you are getting so tall, those jeans are too short!) and that has had a massive influence on my happiness and health as an adult. Even now if one of us puts on a bit of weight, it’s viewed as something we can work on and will get better with time – just like a difficult subject in school, for example. We did plenty of activities but due to carpooling, we had to do the same ones or near the same places or have to figure out with friends’ parents carpooling if we wanted to do something different from my siblings. Those activities were the “treat,” so our nights and weekends were filled with homework and activities, most of them active/sport based. Funnily, my parents were also immigrants and so were never doing jazzercise or running on a treadmill (as someone else discussed above), but walked ev-er-y-where and continue to do a lot of manual labor/housework. (Part of why getting to play soccer or volleyball for us was viewed as a treat and not a chore or necessity to be a certain bodytype.)

    14. Some of the things that helped my sibs and I the most, and I see helping the kids in our family growing up now….

      We sat down and ate dinner with our family every night. It was a balanced, relatively healthy meal at the time. It was real, cooked food. Chicken, fish, meatballs, fajitas etc… Not necessarily fancy, but good, and simple. You can cook a piece of fish in no time. You pick up a rotisserie chicken at least once a week. You make meatballs in bulk and freeze them….etc…. We always had 1 and later 2 veg with every meal. Just skip the bread/potatos/rice, or have a small serving of a healthier option. Sweet potato fries or baked or mashed. Brown rice. Roasted asparagus/cauliflower/beets/sweet potatoes/broccoli etc.. are so delicious that you don’t need that starch. Or have any extra veg instead or a salad. You can do this. Maybe you have similar meals each week, but it works and is good for them.

      We brought a bag lunch to school every day. It always had a sandwich, a fruit, sometimes veg, and sometimes a snack/treat, and we drank milk with it. Not soda. As soon as kids were old enough, we made our lunches.

      Soda intake and junk food intake was controlled by not having it in the house often, or at least in limited amounts. It wasn’t forbidden. But it was a treat, and not much was around to reduce temptation.

      Of course I ate junk food on my own, but I didn’t crave it every day.

      You don’t drive your kids to school. You live somewhere where they can WALK or ride their bikes. An easy way to force the most basic exercise.

      And my cousins’ amazing kids are growing up with NO TV or video games at all during the week. None. Computer use becomes more flexible with age/school/responsibility. You teach kids they need to fill their time with other things, and amazingly…. they do.

      Play outside. With kids. With the neighbors kids. Bike everywhere with them. Organized sports for FUN from an early age and local recreation centers if the neighbors kids are stuck inside playing video games. Tennis lessons. Swimming lessons. Stay away from the soccer Moms if possible. Camp with the family. Hike with the family. Garden. And let them discover things they want to try and encourage everything.

      Even with growing up with all of these things in my family, the most important thing for our long term happiness was the happiness of our parents. We didn’t have that. My parents were miserable and had a terrible, terrible marriage and we suffered endlessly because of it. They tried, but their “trying” was still terrible. I cannot emphasize this enough, but you are role models for your children. Your eating, your activity/exercise habits, your TV watching, your relationship with each other and respect you give each other, how you treat YOUR parents, how you treat YOUR friends, what you value, what you believe. They are watching everything, they see everything, and your imprint is profound.

      So even though I was straight A’s, the most talented athlete/artist/musician/scientist growing up as the perfect disciplined child who went to Harvard, I am a very unhappy adult that cannot have a healthy relationship and have trouble succeeding in life. It is what it is.

      1. Hi thoughts,
        Your last paragraph made me sad to read. I hope your know, that in addition to what your wrote about yourself in that, it is clear that you are also a person with a great understanding of life. I was moved by the way you described your childhood and life good and bad.

        Just from one internet stranger to another. All the best from Scandia

    15. Have you read any Magda Gerber / Janet Landsbuey/ RIE type stuff? I’m a huge fan. It’s a lot about respectful communicating and letting the child lead based on their interests. Also stuff like rather than say “good girl” you might say “thank you for cooperating with the diaper change.” I’d think this is a way to foster natural confidence. Montessori philosophy may help too but I need to read more.

      I understand your concerns about raising a self confident child. I like to tell myself her personality is somewhat set already :-)

      Actually that reminds me I think there is a book call “Raising a self confident baby” or something like that.

      As for good health … Maybe find an activity you and your husband enjoy. Hiking? Swimming? Walking shelter dogs (two birds one stone).

      We’ve taken up trail running in our household. It’s a laid back friendly scene and the dirt is easy on the joint. I imagine for my kids this way of life will see normal to them since that’s what we do.

  8. There was someone last week posting about a question about a Sherpani bag, and I mentioned that while I had one, and liked the quality, it wasn’t the bag for me. I had ordered the ebags Piazza bag, and it arrived yesterday.

    This is MY golden unicorn of shoulder bags. It’s got the organization of a bag much bigger, but it is a small size. It’s big enough for a small tablet, or a few snacks, or a pair of flats in addition to the stuff you might regularly carry. It’s small enough to fit inside my bigger tote (lands end squall tote, and I’m really sad they don’t make it anymore) when I have to carry it too. It was $31 after cyber monday discount, but it’s only about $40 anyway. It has a nice microfiber lined pocket for phone/sunglasses; a key clip; two side pockets (while they’re marketed for a water bottle, they’re a little short–better for hand sanitizer and purse-sized lotion); magnet closure on a flap pocket (far superior to plastic buckles or velcro); and just tons of organization. It has 6 pockets in addition to the main pocket (which also has a zip pocket and 2 other elastic pockets on the inside). It is amazing. Even hubs said it was a good investment!

  9. I’m thinking of giving a close (guy) friend a nice throw blanket for Christmas, and I can’t decide if it’s the lamest gift ever or not. He just uses a big blanket now that he said he has had since high school and it is beaten up. And a couple of us (but to be honest, primarily me, at his request) spent a lot of time this year helping him upgrade his place – painting the walls, unpacking and setting up a new TV, shopping for new couches, suggesting new bedding, etc. – the place looks great, and I think a blanket upgrade could pull it together nicely! But despite all the help I’ve given, I don’t want to straight up impose my will on somebody else’s home.

    I know he falls asleep on the couch a lot, and I was talking to one of our other friends about it and she said it sounds like a good idea, but I’m just not sure if it is super “wet blanket” (ha.) I would probably do something else with it – maybe a bottle of booze or something.

    Of course, past this, the big issue is finding one that is big enough to wrap up in, still cozy, and fits the overall color theme of the room. There’s one at West Elm I’ve been eyeing up.

    Basically: is this the lamest adult gift of all time? Should I just give it one day as a housewarming and do something else for the holiday? (his birthday is also coming up next month)

    1. I think it’s a lovely and thoughtful gift. You can give a bottle of booze to someone without knowing much about them. This is something you’ve selected for him with his life and needs in mind.

    2. This is actually one of my go-to gifts (often with something else, like a bottle of wine, little set of fancy snacks, etc.)!

    3. Don’t know your budget. If you upgrade to faux fur, could be far from “lame.” I adore the faux fur ones from Frontgate … they are usually discounted. The matching throw pillows are super as well … naps on couches facilitated.

    5. I think it’s great, and good quality throws are expensive and in the category of “things I never buy for myself” — I actually think it’s quite thoughtful!

    6. If you’re looking for suggestions, we got the Marcini Bamboo Fiber Cotton Throw Blanket from Amazon as a wedding present. It comes in a bunch of colors and is incredibly soft. I normally have to fight my cat to use it (or she immediately comes to lay on me while I’m using it)

    7. I’ll give a plug to a local company – Faribault Woolen Mills. (pronounced Fair-bo, not Fairy-bolt :) ) They make (pricy) wool (shocker) blankets and throws. Might be a little itchy at first. But totally gorgeous.

      If you want something big enough to wrap up in, though, you may want to look at afghan-type blankets, rather than throw blankets. Throws tend to be smaller (and square?) – so good for sitting with your lap covered, but not for sleeping under while napping without your feet sticking out.

        1. If you live in the area, they have a factory store that sells discounted seconds – items where there was a mis-weave or small oil/grease stains, but is an otherwise beautiful blanket.

          And then there are the remnants, which are sold for $10/lb. I basically got a throw sized piece for $10. It only has a finished fringe on one side and the other side should really be seam-finished. But hey, for $10, I’m not picky.

    8. Its one of my go-to gifts as it falls squarely in the ‘things we use all the time, but don’t like to buy for ourselves’ (see also – nice towels, nicer sheets, thick cozy slippers, awesome kitchen towels). The restoration hardware ones are amazingly fluffy and comfy, everyone I’ve ever gifted one to raves about them, and they’re usually on sale for 20% off this time of year.

    9. This wouldn’t be lame to me at all! Just don’t do a white faux fur one lol. One of my coworkers gave me something like that years ago and it was a fail. White/cream/ivory is not for everyone.

      I’m over 6 feet tall and I got a sherpa throw from Eddie Bauer about two years ago. It was about 70 inches long. I suggest checking lengths – the average guy would probably prefer something long enough to actually cover his feet :)

    10. Target has both fuzzy throws and fuzzy blankets from their Threshold brand online. (If you search the website, they’re called Threshold Fuzzy Blanket and Fuzzy Throw.) We bought the blanket in king size for our bed and twin size for use on the couch. The twin size is definitely sufficient for full body coverage and they’re super warm.

      1. My brother and I go out every black Friday and buy new ones of the Threshold blankets. We both use them on our beds, on the couch, and have known to show up at the dinner table with them for our feet to sit in. We both get the queen size because we want our whole body covered with room to space, plus he has a dog that also gets tucked in while on the couch. Seriously these are the best things ever. The only reason we replace them every year is because they get a little less soft after washing over and over, but they are still super soft.

    11. My husband got me one of the plush blankets from LLBean last year and I looooooove it. It’s almost like fur. So warm, so soft. It could turn a person into Linus.

      1. My husband and I each have our own and love them! We literally walk around the house with them wrapped around our shoulders.

    12. I know I’m late to this, but I need to put in a plug for the furry (not real) blankets from Restoration Hardware. Over three years, we have bought one each year for a different family member. Incredibly soft and great for napping. My 6’4″ DH takes my daughter’s when he wants a napping blanket.

    13. I have asked for this for Christmas. My last one met an accident and it just seems too indulgent to spend the money on a nice one myself….go for it!

  10. my siblings got married this year and we spent tons of money on weddings/presents/showers etc. They are still insisting on doing christmas gifts even though none of us need anything. what do you buy for people that literally have everything on their wishlist/registry?

    3. Something consumable – fruit of the month, fancy booze? Shutterfly book of the candid wedding photos you and others took?

      1. I just learned about Donate Fruit, a company that sells fancy fruit (mostly pears this time of year) and matches each gift purchased pound for pound with fresh fruit donations to food banks. I’m totally using them this holiday season for consumable, feel-good gifts!

    4. A small, lovely ornament with the year on it somewhere and say you are commemorating the year they got married.

    5. Are they willing to do gifts secret Santa style? That way you still give/get gifts but only 1 per person…we have done this with my sibs and their spouses the past 2 years now and everyone prefers it.

    6. They probably want the chance to reciprocate more than anything. Something consumable is great – but I love the ornament idea.

  11. My company is having a gift exchange tomorrow, and I have no idea what to buy. Each employee will pick a random wrapped present to unwrap. The cap is $20. Any ideas other than a gift card?

    2. Nice candle. Box of chocolates. Windshield ice scraper if you live somewhere cold where everyone drives a car. Sampler pack of luxury spices, sea salts, barbeque sauces, hot sauces, whatever.

      1. Tins of fancy hot chocolate mix. Or make your own. Lurve Alton Brown’s mix (minus the pepper/hot spice) … on food network of course. SUper for housewarming, hostess, party gifts this time of year. I find most people have waaaaay too many mugs.

    4. blank note cards like Crane, or some blank note cards that are representative of your city, or industry? fountain pen; vacuum insulated mug; local photographer or subject matter coffee-table book

  12. Does anyone have experience overcoming resentfulness of your spouse? He’s aware of the problem (what’s causing the resentment) and is trying to fix it, and I don’t want to carry around all these negative feelings, but I don’t know how not to.

    1. Are you comfortable providing any information on the root of it the resentment? I don’t have specific spouse-related advice, but with some more information could perhaps provide something useful.

      1. Sure. It’s the kind of thing that a lot of people have talked about on here, where one spouse sort of shunts most of the work onto the other. It’s household work, kid stuff, emotional labor with his family, really anything that isn’t bringing money home has been dumped onto me. Usually it happens because he ignores something that has to be done usually on a deadline and tells me at the last minute he couldn’t do it because he “has to work.” My work has suffered as I’ve tried to keep everything going, and I work longer hours and make more money than him, so it’s not like I don’t “have to work” too.

        He’s trying to fix it and is doing an okay job, but I guess the whole thing just made me feel like my needs aren’t important, since he basically told me on several occasions that I would “just have to deal with it” because he didn’t have time at the moment and everything else was my problem. he says that’s not what he meant, but…. who knows.

        1. I kind of sympathize with this — while we have a more equitable split, husband does not do multi-tasking, so when we’re both busy (at similar jobs but mine is more demanding as pays better), he’ll sometimes say, “I can’t do that now because of work” and perhaps not realize that that means I have to do it.

          Can you divide and conquer so that the things he’s not doing directly affect him versus you/whole family? I’ve seen the saying that “I don’t have time” actually means “I don’t prioritize this” and it sounds like that’s true here.

          … and I realize I am addressing the underlying problem and not the “how to get over resentment” issue, but I think the fix of that problem is to get to a point where you feel like he’s contributing.

        2. I’ve been in a very similar situation and what works for me is:
          1)taking care of my needs — getting enough sleep, exercise, fun time — then I am happy and less resentful
          2) recognizing and appreciating my spouse for what he does do and what that allows me to do (for example if he takes kids to school in morning so I can work out, then its his night to make dinner and he makes a lame or bad dinner, rather than focus on the dinner I tell myself how glad I am that I got to work out that morning.
          3) he is actually trying and improving. In the past when he wasn’t really trying and I was resentful it was an appropriate response to the situation and we almost got divorced over it. (there was a bunch more too — alcohol issues, underwork, and more)
          4) letting go of stuff not being perfect or as good as it would be if I did it, because hey I didn’t have to do it. Much easier said than done.

        3. I am going through the same issues right now with my hubs. He’s getting better (doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen) but I am still seething about the inequity the past two years and I just can’t seem to get past it. He’s honestly trying which I do appreciate. Many of my friends just tell me to hire a maid and outsource as much as our budget can allow but I think this might be a deeper issue which I am thinking about but can’t seem to figure out the root.

          2. For me, the root is what ace said above: “and perhaps not realize that that means I have to do it.” Or maybe even, not realizing that the work has to be done in the first place. Is it the case that you’re doing the mental work of noticing, cataloging, following up on the work… AND doing the work?

            I think people who aren’t list-makers, noticers, keep-uppers with things, etc. (and often, or maybe even usually, that’s men), have such a difficult time realizing that when they don’t do something, it’s not feasible for that thing to just… not get done. Someone else HAS to do it.

            The problem is that some things really don’t fall in that category, and nobody really has to do it. Maybe that’s what he meant by “deal with it,” OP — deal with it not getting done at all? Would it help your resentment to think of him as not deliberately skipping something to push in onto your plate, but legitimately not recognizing that it needs to be done and/or not realizing that you ended up doing it?

            Then, I think it’s absolutely his job to work on that aspect — noticing and doing more on his own, not just letting tasks you’ve assigned drop. And maybe it will help you to let go on some things totally, and/or not pick up his slack?

        4. As long as you keep picking up his dropped balls, you are going to feel resentful. Just let the balls drop. If his family doesn’t get gifts or phone calls, they don’t get gifts or phone calls. Outsource as much of the house stuff as you can (including onto the kids if they’re old enough — you don’t want to raise a son who thinks men don’t do house stuff).

          It’s really tough in a family where there are things that absolutely have to be done, and if one spouse doesn’t have enough good will to do his or her fair share, then the other spouse really does have to pick up the slack and it just sucks. But in your position I would go on strike and do the bare, bare minimum which would include not one single thing that benefits only him. Ultimately if he doesn’t step up you will have to accept that he is a big ol’ slacker, outsource what you can, let go of what you can (his family!), and do the rest yourself and try to appreciate his other lovely qualities, whatever they may be. I kind of think that’s better than constantly wrangling about it.

          I’ve been in your position and ultimately solved it by running away from home and getting a divorce. Worked beautifully for me but I know that’s not the answer for everyone. As always, it comes down to “price of admission” vs “dealbreaker.”

          1. Yup. Don’t do his stuff. If he’s supposed to do laundry and ends up with no clean underwear then he will get the message. He absolutely will not change if you keep doing it for him and then are p1ssed off all the time. do I understand you are taking care of everything with his extended family as well as yours? Stop that immediately. And stop caring what they think of you.

          2. I like that–“price of admission” vs. “dealbreaker”. It’s a helpful way to think about things. Thanks for sharing it!
            And yes, +1 to what you are saying, in general.

    2. My husband does this too. I work longer hours and earn more as well. But he has something more important to do every time there is some house hold chores that need to be completed. I used to resent it when I am working in the kitchen and he has his work computer on the table, but watching Youtube on our personal computer and when I ask him why he is watching Youtube, he would immediately look at his work computer and say he was waiting for something to complete (like say file download). Finally I gave up and I stopped covering for him unless it is a true emergency which is so rare. Sink full of dishes? They will wait until he has the time to wash them. If we run out of clean dishes, I just wash the dish that I need at that moment, but everything else waits. Every time he said he cannot do chores because of work, I just said that is not an excuse in this household (because I have to work too). Next year, I will be having a house cleaning service which I hope will reduce this tension.

    3. I stopped doing things for his family a while ago, and I don’t generally do things that benefit only him. The problem is that there are a lot of things that we NEED to get done for the both of us that he says he’ll do but then doesn’t. I can’t just let that go when it means bills may not get paid. I’ve been pretty good about not doing stuff for him, but then he just does things like takes my lunch that I packed for myself and says that he needed it (?!) I made an issue out of that and he hasn’t done it since, but I’m concerned that there’s some underlying not valuing me if he can do things like that and just not think and/or care of how it’ll affect me.

      1. WHAT? That is total dick move and yes, it does seem like there is something else going on here. Seriously WTF?

        I’m thinking this guy sounds like a liability at this point.

      2. My previous comment is in moderation, but in the meantime I just want to say that you deserve better than this. I think it’s time for an ultimatum: “Dude, you shape up and start acting like an equal partner or we are done-zo.” And then follow through. Life is a whole lot better without having to take care of a man-child who is supposed to be your partner.

        1. And the problem is, you’re right. All of this behavior does reflect a shocking lack of empathy. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I’ve been there and it sucks.

      3. Oh bills went unpaid too. I was on a business trip to a country half the world across when internet connection got disconnected due to unpaid bill. He was supposed to pay it, but as usual thaught I will check and pay it regardless. He came home from work and realized there was no internet, had to connect to office to do some work that had to be completed that night, but couldn’t, got upset and called me. I said instead of calling me, he should call the internet company and get it fixed. Oh..internet bills are paid promptly from that day on wards.

        1. To be totally fair, it was my lunch for the day after that, since I pack them several days at a time. He said he’d replace it, but didn’t always because something else would “come up” or whatever. Part of the point of packing my lunch in advance is that I don’t need to stress about doing these things while trying to get out of the house on time. I don’t want to have to worry about whether I have lunch after I already went to all the trouble to not have to do that.

      5. Pack his lunch for him and tell him it is in the fridge.

        Cut the crusts off the sandwich, put in a super hero toy, and write a note telling him you hope he has a good day at school.

        If he gets miffed, inform him that if he wants you to act like his mommy, you’re going to act like his mommy.

    4. Also we talked about this a while ago, and he really has totally turned things around for the most part. He lets some things slip, but they’re not all things that affect only me, and he doesn’t let things slip any more than I do at this point. I do believe he cares and he just gets tunnel-visioned sometimes. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it really has changed, and he prides himself on being one of the few men who’s an equal partner, so all this having been pointed out, I believe he’ll stick to it. But I’m just still so resentful! So that’s where I need the help, I think.

      1. Every time I start to resent my husband for what he doesn’t do or how much I do, I ask myself if I’d be better off alone. Would I want to do X, Y, and Z, which he currently does? If we WERE to separate, what would be my solution to the problem — outsourcing it? Not doing it? Where possible, I outsource or ignore it so I can save my nagging for stuff that ISN’T possible for.

        If he’s getting in your way (i.e., F’ing up your lunch system, not paying bills and affecting your credit), that’s the real problematic stuff and you need to talk to him about that. Some of it may mean taking chores “away” from him (paying bills); some of it just needs to be really clear communication about expectations. It sounds like you’ve already done that with the lunch thing, so good job.

        1. I can see the point of this exercise, but damn. That really shouldn’t be the standard. Every adult person should be a fully participating member of the team.

      2. I think the comment about him thinking he’s “one of the few men who’s an equal partner” is really telling. My Dad did all this stuff in the 1980s and my husband does it now. By helping out he’s not a unicorn, he’s a grown up.

        That said, I had a major ‘aha’ moment when I moved in with my husband years ago. I tend to be really bad about leaving dirty dishes around. He pointed out that there are no other grown ups in the house, so if I don’t do something (put dishes away) then that means it has to wait or he has to do it. I still think about that to this day when I’m dragging myself off the couch to put the bowl in the dishwasher before going to bed. We’re all adults now – we are the grown ups – no one else is going to do this stuff for us

      3. It sounds like maybe he hasn’t adequately acknowledged just how hurtful his past behavior was. Has he really truly apologized in a way that makes you feel like he gets it? And has he made adequate-to-you amends?

        1. I don’t know. I think he gets it, especially given how much he’s turned around. I know it hurts him that I “suffered” so much as a result of his actions and he wishes he could go back and change it. I believe that he feels this way, but every time I think about it, I’m just like…. how could you not have known in the moment that your actions were having this effect on me, especially since I WAS TELLING YOU SO?! To me it just doesn’t make sense, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m probably just expecting him to be able to change the past, which isn’t fair. He’s offered to do a disproportionate share of the work moving forward and to step up when I really need it. And he did it! I just don’t know why I still feel so resentful. Like, what could I want that he hasn’t done?

          1. There was an analogy about this from alcoholism that I find helpful. Alcoholic drinking (or hubby not helping) is like a tornado. When he stops drinking (or starts helping) he’s like “look at the beautiful weather! its so nice now.” And doesn’t notice the destruction from the tornado. You see the destruction from the tornado.
            For me, self care and gratitude are the best antidotes to resentment. Good luck.

  13. I’m at a small office (less than 10 people). All staff is female. I’m the only female supervisor. There are three male supervisors who have the same title as I do. Email just went out to all staff plus me to participate in a cookie exchange shortly before the holidays. Staff is super excited about it and really wants me to participate. If it matters, the email to do this came from a staff member, not a supervisor.

    I have no desire to participate. I don’t eat sugar, and frankly, I don’t really have the time (nor do I want to make the time) to spend a few hours making dozens of cookies. Even if the guys were included, I wouldn’t want to do it, but I would be inclined to participate to just have that positive fun interaction between supervisors and staff but not if I’m the only woman.

    Do I ask why the men aren’t included and suggest they be included then decide, just politely decline and say have fun, or suck it up and purchase some cookies at the store and call it day.

    1. Suggest that the whole office is included and buy some pre-made dough for toll-house cookies. Sprinkle a little sea salt on top before baking and call it a day. Leave cookies for everyone else to enjoy and focus on the positive interaction and team building.

      1. The sea salt chocolate chip cookies idea is genius for all kinds of occasions! Thanks!

    2. Suggest that the entire office be included, or do not participate. But definitely do not participate if you will be the only supervisor. As you clearly see, allowing yourself to get mentally lumped with the staff because you’re the only woman is something you do not want.

      2. +1

        If you were well-known to be an enthusiastic baker, I’d feel differently, but you were (a) clearly included only for being female and (b) not interested in participating. “I’m not interested in a cookie exchange since I don’t eat cookies, but Joe, Dan, and Tony might be interested, so I’m cc’ing them.”

        If it will cause the office environment to implode if you decline, I’d forward to the men, bring something store bought, and decline to bring a plate home. I’m guessing you won’t be invited next year.

    3. It’s just a cookie exchange and since your staff is excited about and want you to be a part of it, you need to be a good sport. It is good team building. It won’t take much effort to bake some store-bought dough. Participating will go a long way, not participating will damage your in-office perception for sure.

    4. Reply (single – not all) to organizer with “I think you forgot to include Joe and Frank” — or forward to them with a copy to the organizer with a nice note.

      I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world to not participate, but this is a fun teambuilding thing so I wouldn’t refuse to participate out of politics.

    5. A few years ago the assistants in my department decided to organize a Thanksgiving potluck. They came by and asked if I would make a turkey or a ham. I asked what the other managers were contributing (all male). They said the other managers were contributing money. I said I’d do the same. The assistants clearly thought I’d do it because i was female but honestly – cook a turkey and haul it into work? No. And one of the male managers reported to me! Did they ask him to cook a turkey. Heck no.

      Just say no. Don’t let yourself get pulled into this thing that as you say you have zero interest in.

    6. Thanks all. I’m going to chat with organizer tomorrow before the weekend. Store bought cookie dough is a brilliant thing!

  14. A friend recently got married (less than a year ago). When she was dating her now-husband, she told me numerous times that one issue for them was that they had varied world views (shes liberal, he’s conservative is the essence). I assumed that they had work through these (hence the decision to marry). Now that they are married, and they are discussing children. She is now growing more concerned because of his extreme views surrounding current national and international events (which apparently are just coming out now–apparently his views are more extreme and pronounced than they were in their dating phase). It is impeding her ability and desire to move forward with having kids because she is concerned that she does not want her kids to grow up thinking the way her husband thinks (and she REALLY wants kids–that’s part of the issue). She confided in me, and I have to admit that I was stumped. I offered no real useful advice other than to talk to her husband and express her concerns. I am late twenties and this is the first time a friend has approached me with a marriage issue, and I’m not sure how to be helpful. Advice?

    1. I think she needs to figure out if this would be a dealbreaker or not before they have kids. Having kids with the wrong person is way worse than waiting a few more years for kids. If she has kids with him, she is tied to him for life and those kids will be exposed to his views even if they ever divorce.

      She should try understanding what he thinks is appropriate to tell children. E.G. – news story about governors refusing Syrian refugees – “Gosh, I can’t understand how they can refuse people in such need, I don’t know how I would explain that to my children, what do you think we could say?” and see how he reacts/responds. I think what he would tell kids about current national/international issues is the main thing to focus on. Kids as these questions – even at 3-4 years old.

    2. I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker. I’m very conservative/libertarian (and yet I live in the city amid people who are used to 100% democrats) and my husband is more of a nativist(P. Buchanan)/great society/anti-second amendment democrat. They key is respect that these are opinions; they are not facts. He likes pleated pants; I think they are The Devil. It is just another thing for us where we are different; why should it be the only thing that matters?

      We have children. I think that we expect that they will form beliefs on their own as they find persuasive (and that these may change over time). I’d like to think that the children will see the world as I do (and if they do not, will understand why I think what I think and that Mommy is not some wide-eyed lunatic but a kind and thoughtful person, the same as what they think of their father).

      Even if you have someone who lines up with you 100%, the world is the world and they will encounter it sometime. Unless you are isolated, they will enconter the world and probably not come down 100% with either parent.

      1. While I agree differing political views don’t have to be a dealbreaker, I think the underlying question is do you have compatible values and just different ideas of how to achieve them, or do you have fundamentally different opinions of how society should function. For example, a liberal and conservative can both agree that poverty is a problem but have different opinions about whether governmental or private programs are the best way to solve it, but if one spouse thinks there is an moral obligation to help others while the other believes that people need to save themselves and shouldn’t look to others for help, I think that’s likely to lead to conflict down the road when you are considering what values to teach your children.

        1. I agree. I think some political issues are so tied in with our worldview and understanding of morality that trying to raise children with someone who holds opposite views would prove extremely difficult. I would never raise children with someone who held radically different views from me, as they will greatly inform how I parent.

        2. I disagree somewhat. We agree that poverty is a problem. Husband gives homeless person a $20 (to make husband feel better; husband acknowledges that the $20 may be used in a way that is harmful to the person in the long run); mommy writes a check to a local group that seems to have a good track record with people who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Both donate items to a thrift shop that helps people transitioning. Both parents agree that they are called to be good to those less fortunate and compassionate. Both parents try not to carictature the other’s beliefs just like we would not insult the culture of other people or their beliefs.

          1. Sure, in that instance you can each show what you feel. But what happens when your teenage daughter gets pregnant?

    3. If that is the only thing she’s concerned about, then I think many children grow up and manage not to believe in what their parents do.

    4. I’m a broken record today, but she needs to decide if this is an acceptable price of admission to this relationship, or if it is a dealbreaker. For me, it would be a dealbreaker, but she needs to decide for herself — before they make any babies.

      I do think that even very small children can understand that Mommy and Daddy disagree about certain things, as long as they are respectful about it. But if they are going to be fighting or constantly trying to convince their children that one or the other of them is right, then that seems like a recipe for disaster.

      1. +1

        The issue isn’t having different political viewpoints; the issue is having an issue that (a) might end the marriage and/or (b) lead to a lot of friction that bleeds to other aspects of household management and parenting. Frankly, if you don’t like or respect your parenting partner, it’s going to be bad, bad, bad for everyone involved.

        Only they can really determine if this particular issue is that big of an issue. Some couples with different political viewpoints and can still respect each other while others can’t. It’s not something you can help with beyond being an ear.

        I wouldn’t advise this, but as an FYI to you as a friend who may be trying to understand her motives down the road, I have friends in two completely different circles who really wanted kids and knew they wanted a divorce, so they had kids quickly, then divorced. They weighed their options and decided that they preferred that reality to divorcing first and potentially not having kids.

    5. Both of my parents were extremely conservative republicans. I grew up listening to Rush Limbaugh on a daily basis. I’m now a liberal democrat feminist. Just because you have a [whatever political belief] parent doesn’t mean you’ll end up having a child with those same views. I think all of our views are shaped by a lot of different life experiences. If she and her husband cant agree to disagree, and he expects her to assume a 1950s gender role once she’s a mother that’s one thing, but if they just have different beliefs and she doesn’t want a republican kid then I don’t really think it’s an issue. The kid could turn out to be republican even if he has two liberal democrat parents.

      2. +1 and my parents are still Fox News Conservatives who throw their hands up in the air about how their daughter got brain-washed at a commie liberal university.

        . I grew up thinking everything was so black and white, either right or wrong and I felt like I had a tough transition into the “real world” where very few things are that clearly categorized.

        I married a libertarian and I’m excited that our kids will grow up in a home where they learn that reasonable, intelligent people can disagree about tough world issues

    6. I feel like parents who disagree respectfully about politics can teach their children a lot of things growing up. My mom is significantly more liberal than my dad. My dad is in his 60s and Obama is the first winning presidential candidate he voted for. Listening to my parents respectfully disagree on political candidates taught me a lot about discourse, which is good because my husband and I are about as far apart politically as Bernie Sanders and Rick Santorum. That said, there’s a difference between being an isolationist and using racial epithets. What is he doing?

      1. +1. I could raise kids with my spouse if he became more conservative but expressed those views respectfully and rationally. I could not stay with him if he expressed hatred of certain racial, ethnic, or religious groups.

    7. The key for me would be my partner supporting the children hearing both my view point and his view point and us respecting each other’s viewpoints without using disparaging terms. That would need to go both ways. She can’t call people religious nut jobs, he can’t call people liberal bleeding hearts. On almost every issue there is a way to take a dispassionate view of the facts and recognize both side’s stance. I think it would be great for a child to grow up in a home where they hear both sides of every issue.

      So for a gun control discussion with a 15 year old it could go something like this: mom believes that we need stricter gun control in this country to prevent guns from falling into the wrong people’s hands. Mom doesn’t think certain classes of guns should be available to the general public and she thinks that there should be stricter background checks and required training classes to own a gun. Dad views owning guns as a constitutional right. He believes that a democracy isn’t true unless the people can protect themselves from their government. This means that Dad thinks whatever the government is allowed to own, private citizens should be allowed to own. Mom thinks that guns kept for self protection are more likely to fall into the wrong hands than be used for their proper purpose. Dad thinks that people can’t rely on the police to get there in time if there was an emergency and he thinks people have a right to protect themselves against criminals that don’t obey gun laws. Mom thinks the criminals that don’t obey the gun laws only get those guns because they are so widely available to the general public. What do you think?

    8. I think it depends entirely on what he’s doing/what the actual disagreement is. Assuming both can respect the other and his/her views, I think most differences are all right. I would draw the line at intolerance directed at specific people/specific groups of people. I can imagine a father’s views on women being harmful to his daughter’s development, for example. Or using racial epithets as lucy stone mentioned. I’d say tolerance of others and a genuine willingness to understand other human beings and their viewpoints, whether it’s within the family or not, is necessary. Doesn’t mean you have to agree.

    9. Ugh typed a whole long thing and then got an error.

      Agree it is a question of ‘is it a dealbreaker’. If it isn’t, then they have to agree how they will raise their kids, irrespective of their conflicting beliefs. I agree with CPA lady that your kids can have all kinds of beliefs in any case.

      The anecdote I have is two married (to each other friends), he is religious, she is not. The deal is they can both tell the kids what they believe, but not diss the other’s beliefs or be negative about it. He can take the kids to church, but not diss her if she doesn’t come. He can say ‘I believe X because of Y, your mum believes Y because of X’. He can’t say ‘your mum doesn’t believe X so she is going to h**l’.

    10. maybe it makes sense to talk about potential parenting strategies and how they would co-parent. What would you do if your son or daughter came out as gay? Married someone of a different race/ethnicity/county of origin? Daughter found out she was pregnant in high school?

      Talking through those hypothetical might give her a better idea of whether this is deal breaker. If he doesn’t want to talk about those situations, because they won’t happen…. then maybe it’s worth reconsidering whether kids are the best decision right now.

      also want to add that people change when they have kids. some of my conservative friends got more liberal and some of my liberal friends got more conservative.

    11. My grandmother was a devoted FDR New Deal democrat. My grandfather was an anti-tax conservative. They didn’t discuss politics much but faithfully went to the polls together every election and cancelled each other’s votes. They were married for 56 years until my grandfather’s death.

      Their children all have different political views that they seem to have developed on their own. One of them is my mother who is a catholic conservative and I am a flaming liberal in Berkeley.

      Just to say, you never know.

  15. I know we’re not supposed to ‘gift up’ but my current manager was instrumental in both bringing me into her group after mine imploded, and then agitating for (and literally helping me write the case for) a promotion which I just got. I definitely plan to write her a note thanking her for everything she’s done, but I was also thinking a gift card to a local spa or sending flowers. Thoughts?

      1. I would say if you wanted to give her a small food-based holiday gift (e.g., plate of homemade cookies, small box of peppermint bark) that would be fine. But definitely no spa gift card.

  16. I am totally numb after yesterday’s shootings. It’s not so much the shootings themselves, though they were of course horrible. It’s the fact that this is the new normal. Each successive shooting becomes a little less of a shock. We go about our business a little more quickly. This just happens, apparently.

    I feel sick about it, and totally helpless, and I don’t know what to do.

    2. Me too. I don’t know what to say. Just me too. My husband says “things will be okay” – and I’m just like, “how?”

  17. Aaaand I’ve gone totally down the home decor rabbit hole and have discovered crazy gorgeous (and mostly crazy expensive) rugs made from reclaimed sari silk. Does anyone have any experience with these? Are they as awesome as they look? (I don’t know whether I want you to say yes so that I feel empowered to purchase or no so that I get discouraged and also stop trying to convince my mostly-neutral husband.)

  18. I am looking for a nice quality blue cashmere sweater for my mother in law. Anyone have any suggestions on quality sweaters they have purchased recently? Thanks!!

  19. I’m eligible to receive a bonus for completing a special project. I emailed my boss to see what we can do to get it going, but why does it make me feel uncomfortable to do this asking?? I hate this double-standard. My boss is female, which I think makes this easier for me, but I still run the risk of looking money-grubbing. If I were a guy, it would be a non-issue.

    So, I asked for it. Standing up for myself and what I deserve is so hard.

    1. Good for you! “money grubbing” is such a funny way to put it – after all, isn’t that the point of a job? To transfer money from a company to you? This is how many of the most productive career steps work out: You feel uncomfortable, but push through and do it anyway. Fingers crossed for your bonus!

    2. I think that was the point of a special completion bonus? They usually structure those as incentive to close it. So you are getting the gears moving. nothing wrong with that

  20. HELP! I need to come up with a 7-min powerpoint to convince my audience of something, anything work-related. Any ideas????? I’M STUMPED

    1. RAWR! You got this. Anything work-related? Changing to more efficient typeface. There was an article a while back about how changing typefaces can drastically reduce the amount of ink/toner used, and paper used. Other office sustainability tactics? Recycled paper, no color, double-sided?

      How to mesh the needs of the ladies, the men, and the, um, monster lizards in the office with regards to thermal control?

      Productivity increase with nap; lobbying for better flexible environment to reduce worker fatigue/vehicle miles traveled, and increase morale/work-life balance

    2. Depends how ‘serious’ it needs to be. But I’d do the power of fonts. Explaining how they impact perception, how some fonts are best for print and others for screen. Then I’d spend a few seconds talking about comic sans because it’s funny

      1. oOOOOHHHH, I like this idea. Doesn’t have to be serious at all, this is more to convince my audience of something on work/industry/professional topics.

    3. think of something that annoying during your day to day work. this should give you some ideas

      1. I LOATHE some of my counterparts but I don’t know how I would present on that.

        1. Lol that would be awesome. You could do 7 minutes on why Mothra should be transferred to a different department!

    4. The importance of improving and standardizing your LinkedIn profiles? I used to do social media ‘audits’ for our senior executives that highlight ‘good’ profiles vs. ‘bad’ ones and showed how often clients/media/etc. will check out a LI profile before doing business with someone.

  21. I have a linkedin question: I am a fairly new (2nd yr) attorney who works in a niche practice area. As part of our practice, we use international vendors (non-lawyers) as consultants on certain cases. I got a linkedin request from one such vendor who I have been working with closely for about 6 months. Is it inappropriate to accept? If yes, why? (so that I can judge in future situations like this .. i already know not to connect with clients, judges, etc.)

    1. LinkedIn isn’t FB. What’s on your LinkedIn profile probably isn’t much different that what is on your firm profile. I only use it for business/networking purposes so I am comfortable being connected with clients, colleagues, opposing counsel, consultants, etc.

    2. No it is most definitely not improper to connect. This is how vendors build their own networks. I would tend to guess they are connected with others in your office already (and you can check, and if they’re not and that makes you concerned, then either just sit on the invite or ignore).

    3. LinkedIn is your online Rolodex. You actually work with and know this person. That is what LinkedIn is for.

      The requests I refuse are from people I don’t know and have never worked with. Most of those are from people who either want to ask me for a job or want to access my 500+ person network.

    4. Why on earth would this be inappropriate? This is literally the purpose of LinkedIn

    5. I understand not connecting with judges (appearance of impropriety and all that), but not connecting with clients? Isn’t connecting with clients basically in the top-3 reasons for having a LinkedIn? I’m really confused about where you picked up a “don’t connect with clients” rule – I could understand having a rule about not being the one to reach out to them (I’m a mid-level, and I still mostly only connect with clients at the client’s request), but I can’t see the logic to rejecting a request to connect from a client.

      Also, it’s 100% fine and normal to connect with vendors.

  22. Ugh. I am currently listening to my rockstar boss get mansplained to by a total idiot.

  23. I’m feeling very sleepy at work. Reviewing a boring contract isn’t helping. Any suggestions to help me stay awake? I already took a short walk around the building. Sleepiness returns the instant I sit back down. I can’t switch to doing something more interesting, as everything I need to get done ASAP is reviewing boring contracts. I have no problem getting the interesting contracts done.

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