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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 125 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Nanette Lepore

Suit of the Week

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Stylish Skirt Suit: Nanette LeporeFor busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional. Ok, avert your eyes from the shoes (if you can), and focus instead on the pretty, pretty suit. The seams and pleats, while admittedly a bit corset inspired, still strike me as something that would be totally appropriate to work so long as other details are kept professional — for example, wear a drapey blouse instead of a camisole, and, you know, regular pumps instead of shiny silver shoes. Love the long hemline, and and I don't think I've ever seen a similar fabric — it's one part tweed, one part jacquard. Lovely. The jacket (Nanette Lepore J'Adore Jacket) is $498, and the skirt (Nanette Lepore Embrace Me Pencil Skirt) is $248, both at Saks. Here's a more affordable navy jacquard skirt suit ($119, sizes 2-18), and here's a lovely plus-size navy suit. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. TBK

    This might be a little out there, but does anyone here hunt? My husband has always hunted deer, and his dad hunted deer and big game (bison and elk). I don’t come from a part of the country with much hunting so it’s all kind of alien to me. I’m not sure I’d be into deer hunting, but I’ve heard waterfowling is more popular with women and I’m kind of intrigued. (I’m a little nervous about actually killing an animal, but I’m fully carnivorous and honestly think hunting is more humane than most farming — when it’s done well, the animal just goes about its life and then bang! it never really knew what hit it. Much better than a lot of farmed animals’ lives.) We have a shotgun that I can handle all right and I’m thinking I might start shooting clays and see how that goes. But would be curious to hear from any hunters here, if there are any.

    • Anon

      I don’t personally hunt but many of the “menfolk” in my family do. The younger generation are teaching their daughters as well as their sons, which I think is great.

      I don’t personally understand wanting to kill a beautiful buck, but then again I don’t really enjoy venison. I’d be a hypocrite to rail against those who really make use of the whole animal, as I do eat meat, and raised sheep for meat as a kid.

      However, please become a responsible hunter. I think the responsible hunting community could do a lot more to shame trophy hunters and speak out about appropriate, regulated gun ownership. It seems that there is this group speak required of hunters (my family in particular) where being a hunter means you are ok with everyone owning military assault rifles and rich dentists flying to Africa to kill protected animals.

    • TXLawyer

      It’s on my To Do list to learn to shoot a shotgun. A ton of our networking events revolve around clay shooting, hunting, etc. and I don’t want to sit on the sidelines just because I’m unfamiliar with how to handle a gun.

      • TBK

        Assuming by your handle you’re in Texas — too bad we’re not in the same area or we could go to the range together!

      • emeralds

        It’s pretty straightforward and also fun! My boyfriend has a shotgun and we’ve been a couple of times this year (I learned to shoot as a kid but haven’t kept up with it). Any clay shooting range should have a “learn to shoot” one-on-one lesson. At the two I’ve been to they were around $50-70.

    • Anonymous

      I grew up around hunting. I’ve never actually been because I didn’t want to get up at 4 a.m. on a freezing cold morning to freeze my rear off in a duck blind, unable to pee for hours. If you’re concerned about how humane it is, I would really recommend against going.

      Typically, the animal isn’t going about its life and then BANG it’s over. Like 90% of the available shooting space of a bird is its wings, not its head or body. You hit the wing, the bird falls, then it flops around in pain for a while until you send the hunting dog out to break its neck. If you don’t have a hunting dog (you should bring a hunting dog), you have to go up to the poor thing and club it or cut it until it dies (no way you’ll be able to shoot it in the head because it’s still in a frenzy).

      Deer hunting is even worse. It’s very difficult to get a clean shot on a deer. You hit it somewhere, the deer runs away, and you have to follow the trail of blood until you (hopefully) find it. Then you have to shoot it or slit its throat. Sometimes you don’t find the deer, so you have to live with the fact that the wound will likely get infected and the deer will have a long, slow, painful death.

      • MDMom

        Yep. I don’t know much about duck hunting but this is an accurate description of deer hunting. Many of the men in my family hunt, none of the women-due mainly to lack of desire. For me it’s mainly about not wanting to get up in the dark and go sit silently in a tree stand in the cold. I think a shooting range with clay pigeons is a good place to start though.

    • Anon

      Do you actually want to learn to hunt, or just learn to shoot? It sounds to me like more the latter. I don’t hunt but I shoot regularly (pistol and AR) and it is a blast (see what i did there)?

      I am also strict on safety, think the US needs way more stringent and universal background checks and demonstration-of-safe-use-under-pressure requirements to get a carry permit, and am super liberal, lest you think everyone who owns an AR is a weirdo who carries it to Walmart to make a point…

      • Sydney Bristow

        I have an honest question and don’t intend to start a debate. FWIW i have never shot a gun and don’t ever want to. I am curious about this though.

        Does AR mean automatic rifle? I’m not sure how to phrase this but what do you get out of shooting those versus another gun? When the gun debate turns to whether or not to ban automatic rifles I don’t know what the purpose of them is outside of the military. My gut instinct is that I’d want to ban them but I’m truly curious whether there is something that I’m missing.

        • Anon

          Super fun to shoot. Different from the pistol.

          It is not for self-defense. I would not reach for it if someone broke into my home in the middle of the night. But it is really fun to train with.

          You can’t ban evil people. You just can’t. Any more so than you can ban people from getting drunk and driving a car through a parade crowd.

          • Anonymous

            But what makes it super fun? And if it isn’t necessary for self defense or hunting, why should the rest of us have an increased risk of getting shot so you can have that fun?

          • Anon2

            Why should other people in society have an increased risk because of people drinking and driving? What makes alcohol fun?

          • Sydney Bristow

            Fair enough.

            I know we ban things for public health reasons but that the lines are changing based on perceived benefits and risks. pot being legalized in certain states for example while other drugs are still banned outright. I wonder if the benefits of ARs (fun to shoot and helpful to train with) could still exist in a way that cuts down on the risks somehow. Like what if they were still allowed but only at gun ranges. So they could still be used for recreational and training purposes but only in controlled environments. Just thinking out loud here.

            I know that bad people are going to do what they do regardless of the legality. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make it harder for them or impose consequences for certain types of actions.

          • Anon

            This is different. Cars have a purpose that is not killing people. Guns do not.

          • Anon3

            “I wonder if the benefits of ARs (fun to shoot and helpful to train with) could still exist in a way that cuts down on the risks somehow. Like what if they were still allowed but only at gun ranges. ”

            Then only criminals would have them. Like the kind of people who would use an AR to hurt other people. Limiting where guns are used will not lessen the risks of bad people doing bad things.

          • Sydney Bristow

            The angry responses you are getting is why I hesitated to ask the question. Sorry about that.

            My thought in limiting them to ranges was that then only range owners could own them for use on the range. Hopefully that would make it more difficult for criminals to get them. I think that many of the recent mass shooters have been using automatic weapons that have been purchased legally and were already in their households. Perhaps in some of those circumstances that would have delayed the shooter, given someone who noticed something was going on with the guy time to speak up, or in the case of mass shooters who were suffering from intense mental illness maybe it would have been too big a hurdle for them to get the weapon in the first place. Maybe not. Maybe that is too hard to calculate or would only prevent such a small loss of life that the infringement on gun owners’ rights would be too much in comparison.

            I obviously have my view on it and would support a ban but I appreciate you answering my question. I’ve never met anyone who owns one or who has talked to me about shooting one so I haven’t been able to ask before.

          • TBK

            FYI I think you’re confusing semi auto with auto. Automatic is like a machine gun – you pull the trigger and bullets come out as long as you’re holding on to it. It’s really really hard to get these and I’m not aware of any mass shooter who used one. Semi auto just means that after you pull the trigger another bullet is automatically chambered. One bullet per trigger pull. Pretty much all guns these days are semi auto.

            This is what’s really hard about legislating gun control. It’s hard to figure out what to ban that would actually make a difference. Also gun control has such a nasty racist history in our country, it’s just so important to get it right if you’re going to do it.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Ah TBK I didn’t know that. I actually meant to ask about assault rifles and that is what I had in mind when asking my original question. I was using the wrong word. Clearly I don’t know the terminology that well.

          • Anonymous

            You’re an idiot. You get that right? A gun happy psycho. Look at the people who shoot up schools. Before that day? Non criminals legally possessing guns.

            Go ahead. Live your fantasy. Know that you share in the guilt of the needless deaths for your sick sense of fun.

          • Anonymous

            Woah TBK woah. You’re actually likening modern gun control efforts to Jim Crow regulations that deprived black men of guns? Drink the koolaid girl drink it up.

          • An on

            @Anonymous at 7:52-

            TBK could be referring to the fact that the NRA was against open carry prior to the existence of the Black Panthers.

            The Mulford Act was a 1967 California bill which repealed a law allowing public carrying of loaded firearms. Named after Republican assemblyman Don Mulford, the bill garnered national attention after the Black Panthers marched bearing arms upon the California State Capitol to protest the bill.[1][2] The bill was signed by Republican California Governor Ronald Reagan and became California penal code 25850 and 171c

        • Eliza

          I bought a 20 gauge shotgun several years ago and really enjoy shooting clays. Most clubs will have lessons, and if you can stomach their politics, local NRA groups run Women On Target classes that are very good.

    • been hunting

      Hmmm…it’s a bit of a crapshoot. Pun intended.

      I didn’t fire a weapon until I met now-husband. Turns out, I’m a dead-accurate shot–our first weapon-involved outing was target shooting, and I am really good at it with handgun or rifle.

      Only you will be able to decide if you’re ok with shooting something in an attempt to kill it, as Anon3:55 says, you don’t always get a clean kill shot, which means you may or may not find your animal at the end of the day.

      However, you can maximize your chances by getting comfortable with whatever firearm you’re going to use. If it’s fowl you’re after, then you need to get comfortable with a shotgun. Let me tell you, a 12-ga is a beast of a gun. If it is not a semi-automatic, the recoil will bust your shoulder. Even if it is a semi-auto (wherein the gun utilizes some of the mechanical action of recoil to load a new shell, rather than requiring you to pump or otherwise advance a new shell into the chamber), the recoil is still pretty beastly. For a new shooter, I’d recommend either a 20-ga, or a .410 shotgun–but they’re harder to find.

      Also, depending on your size, you may find that youth rifles fit your body better. The proportions of a youth rifle are brought down so that the length of pull is shorter–this is the distance from the trigger to the b u t t stock, and it’s what makes all the difference in the world as far as fitting a gun. Think of it like using the right size golf club–sure you may be able to hit the ball with a too-big (or too-small) club, but you won’t be nearly as accurate or efficient as with one that fits you well. I’m 5’2, and I’ve never felt comfortable using adult guns–all of my rifles are youth size. They have the same firepower as the adult, but in a smaller size. The barrels are also typically shorter too.

      Once you have selected your weapon, please please please please please fire it and become familiar with its parts, its usage, and its safety. You will want to know what it feels like when you seat the b u t t well into your shoulder, vs. poorly so that you can be steady with your shot. You may not think this is a big deal, but if you seat your gun well, there is less likelihood that any muzzle kick-back will alter the course of your bullet. If your gun is poorly seated, the recoil can really throw your body off, and cause you to inadvertently pull the muzzle up or down, and change the trajectory.

      I in no way condone any kind of trophy hunting. I don’t like the taste of venison anymore, so hubs always donates what he harvests. For me, personally, the only reason to kill another animal is for food, or to save your or someone else’s life. (this does not apply to spiders in my house)

      • TBK

        I’ve shot several different kinds of gun, including a pump action shotgun, but the one we have is semiauto because of the recoil issue. I’m not at all a small person, though, (5’9″ and weight pretty proportional to my height) so I don’t think a youth gun would suit me. My husband goes target shooting frequently and I used to go before I got pregnant with our twins (didn’t want to be around the lead while I was pregnant and we haven’t really used babysitting to go shooting since they were born). I certainly wouldn’t take a gun out anywhere until I’d gotten really comfortable with it. This is more of a long-range, a few years into the future kind of thing so really kind of feeling out whether it’s something I’d be up for. I honestly dislike being a meat-eater who’s never killed my own food (I don’t count steaming clams or mussels). The goal would absolutely be to hunt for food. My plan would be to just go along as an observer at first and see how it feels.

    • BB

      Probably too late to the game here, but just wanted to say that I LOVE that there are so many women on here into shooting! It’s a new hobby for me, and one that I tend to keep on the down-low (in the Northeast). :)

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I shoot too but need so much more range practice. I’m trying to get more accurate with our Glock. I’ve also shot a pump rifle that was surprisingly so easy. Much easier than the Glock. I don’t think I could safely shoot a rifle without injuring my totally f’d up shoulder joints. My husband has to carry for work so I wanted to get more comfortable around guns. Not there just yet. Many of our friends are through his profession so going to the range is a social thing.

        One awesome idea is to take civilian academy classes. I live in a very gun friendly state so I’m sure I have far more opportunities than others but there is literally every type of possible class around here. Including just basic firearm safety, women only classes etc.

  2. Jelly

    Does anyone have experience with/knowledge about open MRIs? I went in for an MRI of my neck a few days ago and ended up leaving because I was so freaked out and just could not hold still. I’ve developed a habit of stretching/crunching/cracking my neck every 30 seconds or so (horrible, I know). I know I would need to stay still for the imaging part of an open MRI but would I be able to move in between images?

    • Anon

      I’ve recently had both open and closed MRIs for a different issue. The closed MRI was on a part of my torso, which meant I had to hold my breath for the images. The techs were so kind and helpful. They know people have issues with holding still and being in enclosed spaces, so they really talked me through it. In my case, they told me when I could relax and move, and gave me advance notice before I had to hold my breath.

      It was definitely not a pleasant experience but not nearly as bad as childbirth. You can do it. Just look for an imaging center that gets good ratings and tell the techs ahead of time about your worries. Believe me, they’ve heard it all and know how to help you.

    • Anonymous

      If you let the tech know before they strap you in that you have this anxiety and bad habit, they should be able to improvise or let you know how often you can move.

      I think it depends on how long the images take to get. I have to have two intensive MRIs each year, and I’ve done open and closed MRI. If it’s for your neck, they might give you “headgear” to keep it still (I have brain scans). The open MRI feels just that — open. The best tech I ever had had his own improvised way of keeping my head still since it can get tiring after an hour (yours might not be that long!). The closed MRI is easier for what I need because I can’t move — I’m immobile in the tube.

    • heatherskib

      I had one recently… Honestly I was exhausted, so I kinda dozed through the entire thing. The ear plugs they provided really helped, and if you can do an eye mask or something for isolation, it helps. Outside of that the strangest place for me was trying to find someplace to put my hands/arms because it is a bit tight. Alternately- there are a few imaging centers in my city that offer standing MRI’s if you’re claustrophobic.

    • New Tampanian

      I’ve done both. The open MRI was a little easier for me to handle but since I was still in the head cage I did get a little anxious. I always just think of somewhere that’s beautiful and try to remember to breathe. Worst case, get someone to drive you and take a Valium.

  3. Senior Attorney

    Love Nanette Lepore and LOVE this suit!! Too bad it’s not in my budget!

    In other news, OMG I just discovered Bitmoji and I am obsessed. I keep changing my Bitmoji hair from straight to curly and back again.

    And yes, I’m twelve…

    • anon-oh-no

      I just spent the past 30 minutes creating my own bitmoji avatar! im in love

      • Anon

        I’m obsessed with Neko Atsume – its basically pokemon with cute chubby cats!!!

  5. heatherskib

    Psst… Typo/Freudian slip? “regular pumps instead of shiny silvers hoes.”

  7. Shopping Challenge!

    My mom wants a pair of gold hoop earrings for Christmas so she asked me to put a bug in my dad’s ear. She wants:
    –true gold, not rose gold or white gold
    –a hoop about the size of a dollar coin (bigger than a quarter), though she would do ovals or circles
    –a hoop that is flat when viewed from the side, as opposed to thick or beveled in any way

    Anyone seen anything like this? FWIW she has a pair exactly like this from the JCrew outlet but she’s looking to upgrade.

    Budget is around $300, I’d guess? (My dad would buy the moon for my mom if that’s what she wanted, but he also washes and reuses Ziploc bags, so ‘frugal’ is certainly accurate…)

    TIA!

    • Ru

      You can get these literally anywhere. Macy’s, JCP, any number of jewelry websites. The price difference comes from weight and concentrate. 10k, 14k, 18k? Just look for actual gold as opposed to gold-plated.Gold-plated is for temporary gold costume jewelry purposes only, imo.

    • Maddie Ross

      That’s so funny, I have the Jcrew ones and was going to suggest them! I agree with Ru that your best bet is a department store to get these, even in real gold.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My parents have bought me some basic gold jewelry that I was really happy with. One day I asked where they bought it and they confessed – Walmart. I really love it though.

  8. Research / Staff Attorney

    I just got a call for an interview at my dream job – state court staff/research attorney. I have never clerked for a judge before, or otherwise worked for the court system. However, I have several years of experience in legal research and law/motion drafting. Any advice as to the interview process? For those who have worked for the courts and in private civil lit firms, are there any differences as to the actual research/motion work?

    • Court Attorney

      Would this be with a specific judge or in a staff department?
      Individual judges are all different. Law department are sort of like in house legal teams that tend to work with either a pool of judges or on specific areas like pro se petitions. If you work in a law department, you typically don’t interact with judges much, if at all. this varies from court to court and within by judge, but it’s not like working in chambers.
      Be prepared for the interview to be awkward. This is usually behind the scenes work and the people interviewing tend to be not the best ‘people’ people. Don’t get thrown off my weak handshakes or awkward silence.
      Stress your commitment to public service. Enthusiasm counts for a lot so make sure you can articulate why this is your dream job. Often, the workload is heavy and the work itself independent so be sure you can explain why you’re equipped to handle both. Also, often you’re dealing with many new areas of law, so have an example or two ready of when you were thrown into something unfamiliar and quickly managed to succeed/adapt.
      Good luck!

    • Senior Attorney

      I have done this job and it is a great gig. Will you be working for a particular judge? If so, by all means do your research about him/her so you will be aware of his/her background and interests. When I interviewed I talked about how I was beguiled by the idea of being able to come up with the correct answer to a legal problem rather than have to always argue my client’s side, which may or may not be well-taken. And everything Court Attorney said.

      • Research / Staff Attorney

        Thank you all (including Traditionalist below)! The job description refers to “judicial officers” rather than any specific judge, so it sounds like it may be a staff department position. Funny thing about the advocacy aspect – I’ve been told that my memos/motions are not “indignant” or “spiced up” enough, so this may actually work in my favor!

        • Senior Attorney

          Are you in Los Angeles by any chance? If so hit me up at SeniorAttorney1 at the gmail.

          • Research / Staff Attorney

            Unfortunately, I am in San Diego. Thank you for reaching out, though! As a longtime lurker, I always look forward to your comments, Senior Attorney!

  9. Traditionalist

    Congrats! As a former clerk (federal district court and appellate court), I would just tell you that the research/motion work involves extremely flat writing. You are always striving to report the state of the law to educate the judge, but removing any aspect of advocacy. Everything is basically written like you’d write the “standard of review” section of a brief/motion. I have heard that many clerks (myself included) receive feedback when they transition to a firm that they need to amp up the advocacy aspect of their writing — I suspect for you it may be the other way around.

    • Traditionalist

      Oops, I’m sorry — this was meant to be a reply to Research / Staff Attorney. (Still miss that edit feature…)

  10. loans?

    Any advice about where to get a private student loan? I’ve always used government loans/parent loans but i am now “independent” so my mom’s parent-plus loan isn’t available. She can co-sign. I’m in my last year of a professional program.

    • CountC

      I got mine through my bank, Wells Fargo because I was lazy and it was easy (perhaps not the best strategy). Banks, credit unions, etc., offer them, so see what rates you can get from various lenders. My rate is much lower than my fed rate, but obviously I don’t have forbearance and deferment options like the fed loans do.

    • Mpls

      Are there not government loans that you can get directly? I’m thinking of the Direct Subsidized and Unsubsidized loans I used to pay for law school (7-10 years ago). You still had to fill out the FAFSA, but didn’t include parent information (IIRC).

        • Baconpancakes

          This is what I was going to suggest – depending on your school, you should be able to manage them through your financial aid portal, increase or give back the loans before final disbursement, all that jazz. The main issue with Grad Plus loans is that they usually won’t cover your full amount.

          Also, even as an independent professional student, you should qualify for a federal “unsubsidized” loan. The difference here is that the interest will start immediately – it still won’t be due for 6 months post-graduation. If you can pay a small amount on the loan as you go through school, this is your best bet, to keep the interest from compounding.

      • Anon in NYC

        Also, check to see if your state has graduate student loan programs too. My first year of law school I took out a state loan instead of Grad Plus because the interest rate was a bit better.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, are you eligible for Grad Plus? Same thing as Parent Plus, but for those who have aged out. Can be consolidated with regular federal loans, and same payment plans used, which is a plus.

  11. Godzilla

    Serious question ladies, gather round and school me. I have this friend who seriously needs to get a divorce. Like, very badly. She’s been married for 10 years, two babies (a 4-year old and a 1.75 year old), and her husband cheated on her prior to and during her second pregnancy. They’re separated for a year. He’s had a lawyer forever (of course) and she just got one. I’ve tried to be supportive and lend strength and all that good stuff but you know what she asked me the other day? If I were in her situation, how would I manipulate my husband’s weaknesses to make him come back to me. FACEPALM ROAR. I told her the truth, that there’s nothing you can do to make someone love you. Blah blah blah.

    Now, unsurprising to you all since I am a monster, I’ve been playing the role of that @$$hole friend that calls out the bull$hit and reframes things logically. She’s definitely the super emotional type riding on the victim train (yes, she’s been victimized, lots of terrible things went down, but bury that ish/see a therapist and deal with the daily, kwim?). My other friends say I should keep talking to her because she respects me (see also: terrified of me).

    My question: how to help and be supportive? It feels cruel to be a d!ck and tell her truth (ie, your email was emotional blackmail, his actually makes sense, and start rewriting her emails to him).

    I know I can step away but then there’ll be a bullsh!t reconciliation for the 8th time before more emotional/verbal abuse lends itself to I AM TOTALLY GETTING A DIVORCE NOW. Smh.

    • Wildkitten

      I have a friend who is getting a divorce and who wants to get back together with her husband. I do two things. 1. When she is riding the victim train, I just agree with her and move on. 2. When she talks about getting back together with him, I shut it down. That’s what works for me – I want them to get divorced and her to move on.

      • Wildkitten

        I also tell her to talk to her lawyer a lot. Talking to the lawyer instead of talking to the Ex-H makes it easier to get the divorce stuff done.

        • Except..

          Using a lawyer as a therapist is very expensive. Talk to a therapist if talking is really what you need.

        • Wildkitten

          My friend keeps trying to negotiate a settlement with h while getting back with him. I think her lawyer would be simpler.

        • Wildkitten

          To clarify. I tell her ‘Talk to you lawyer!” a lot. I don’t tell her ‘Talk to your lawyer a lot.”

    • Faye

      You can’t make people love you, and you can’t make people leave their marriages. Decide if you want to stick around for the multiple rounds of ups and downs, or if you want to distance yourself from her. If you stick around, know that this pattern isn’t going to change, the only difference might be that YOU start to feed off some of the drama. And then plan your actions accordingly. Can you stand being the “voice of truth” for the next 10-50 years? Can you rewrite every email from now til infinity, without feeling like it’s your own relationship?

      I’m also the “harsh” or “tough love” one in my circle of friends, but I know my limits. I can’t deal with people who consistently make the wrong decisions and then want to whine about all the consequences of said bad decisions. So I either don’t engage, or limit my interactions to pleasantries about the weather. It sucks, because they’re lovely people outside of the drama, but for me personally, I judge them based on their actions and end up thinking MUCH less of them.

      Figure out who you are, what kind of person you want to be, and then set your own limits based on that.

      • Godzilla

        Yeah, I’m asking because I’m reaching my limit – this is like the 4th/5th loop in this roller coaster of looooove. Time to roam around the amusement park, I think.

    • Anonymous

      You can’t help someone that doesn’t want your help? You can give, but unless she’s receptive it’s not going to do any good.

      If she keeps asking your advice, you keep giving her your version of what you have seen. Maybe frame it as “I’m not sure why you keep asking my opinion, since you haven’t been happy with any of my previous suggestions/comments and my opinion of the situtation hasn’t changed.” Unless, of course, she keeps coming to you to keep that veil of victimhood around her.

      Supportive could also be “I don’t think your situation is ever going to resolve into him loving you and being faithful. I think your best option is to remove yourself from the situation via divorce. That may not be what you want to hear, but I don’t think your other options are viable. If you ever want help pursuing that path, I am totally here to help (with an attorney referral, or whatever else you are willing to do).” Otherwise I’d try to back off, because this not your circus.

      Also, I feel like this is totally Carolyn Hax territory (Washington Post advice columnist), so I would also recommend extensive reading of her archives :) Or visiting the online discussion on Fridays. At noon, eastern time.

      • Godzilla

        “You can’t help someone that doesn’t want your help? You can give, but unless she’s receptive it’s not going to do any good.” <— TRUE THAT.

        I do do (haha) all of things you pointed out. And she keeps coming to me to hear some TRUTHS that nobody around her is giving (her family and his family want a reconciliation, ha). I'm not a soothsayer!

        And you know what? She definitely needs therapy (trust me gals, she does) and I offered to watch her kids while she goes. But she enjoys her melodrama. C'est la vie.

        • TBK

          “She enjoys her melodrama.” That’s it. That’s what she’s getting out of the relationship and on some level it’s working for her. I’m not saying it’s healthy, but somehow what she’s getting is worth all the pain to her. Unless she deals with that (therapy) she doesn’t actually want to leave.

    • Bewitched

      I want to be Godzilla’s friend IRL. She calls sh*t as she sees it and I kinda love that about her. Not to sound all internet stalker-ish but…..

      • Godzilla

        HA, it’s funny objectively but definitely uncomfortable for people around me. But let’s be friends.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      My own parents did the dance you’re describing for THIRTY. EFFING. YEARS. (15 of which I was sentient enough to be expected to be emotional support for my mother while all of this went on), and you’re like 50% right about what to do – you should absolutely be calling the bullsh!t like you see it when she asks for your input, and telling her the truth when she shows you something like an emotionally manipulative email or whatever, but your “job” as friend stops there.

      It’s frustrating, but you really shouldn’t be rewriting her emails or otherwise stage-managing her divorce for her – she has to take charge of her own life and do her own emotional/logistical work to get herself out of a bad situation. If there’s an 8th or 9th or 10th or 300th reconciliation, that’s on her, and you really have no role to play in preventing that (also, if you get involved in the stage-managing of the divorce process and then there’s a reconciliation in spite of your best efforts, you pretty much guarantee yourself a one-way trip to “that b!tch who tried to ruin our marriage because she just doesn’t UNDERSTAND what it MEANS to LOVE” – ASK ME HOW I KNOW THAT).

      Basically, what you *can* do is react honestly when she reaches out to you for your input (“actually, that thing you did was pretty manipulative” /”hey, have you ever thought about taking that up with a therapist?” / “funny, but reconciliation sounds like a terrible plan to me” / etc.), redirect her when you can’t stand to talk about it anymore, and put the brakes on the relationship if it’s the only thing she ever wants to talk about and you’ve had your fill of it. None of which feels adequate, given the spectacular mess your friend has found herself in, but unfortunately we have to let other adults do their adulting all by themselves (even when we’d be significantly better at it than them :), and even when we only want what’s best for them).

      • Senior Attorney

        Yep, this.

        I stayed in my marriage long past the time all of my friends thought was reasonable, but I had to make my own decision and I had to do it in my own time. I’m sure you know that all the research shows that getting out of an abusive relationship is not an event, it’s a process.

        So be honest when you talk to her, but don’t take over and do the work for her. It is going to have to come from her.

      • Godzilla

        Oh no, I am definitely not staging her divorce, NO THANK YOU MA’AM. But she asks for very specific advice often and then she disappears for a few months when things are “good” and comes raging back when she wants to hear someone hate on him, which I try not to do but some of our mutual friends do. My advice is on the more pragmatic aspects (yes, ask him for money, no, do not f#ck sh!t up at his job, etc). I can continue being honest with her, I’m good at that. But when her behaviors can impact her adorable little babies, I can’t help but lay down some STRAIGHT TALK.

        Just gotta take a deep breath and sing the immortal words of her daughter’s favorite song, let it go, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Ugh, it sucks so hard when there are kiddos involved.

          Having been the kid in this kind of scenario, I can say that the best thing you can do for them is be a consistent, reliable grown-up when you’re around them – even if you don’t see them for awhile, the fact that you’re the same when they do see you again, and that you’re an obviously competent, take-no-sh!t adult when you’re around them, will help them, particularly as they get older and become more capable of both understanding what’s going on in their home and of reaching out to non-parent people about it. My “aunts” (good family friends, really) who knew what was up and would talk to me about it while we were “washing the dishes” somewhere where my mom wasn’t during gatherings and such were lifesavers in my pre-teen and teen years.

          • Godzilla

            You’re going to make Godzilla teary at work. But thanks, I hope I can help them out the way your aunts helped you.

    • Anonymous

      Ask her if she wants the truth and then tell it to her if she does. She must know she’s being stupid and hates herself for it. Tell her to look for other men, if she wants one. There’s lot of them out there that are not her ex.

      • Godzilla

        I try to encourage her by reminding her she’s BOSS, cuz she is. But divorce, that’s a whole ‘nother thing, yo.

  12. Brant

    For those of you that tip your mail carrier around the holidays, what do you do? I’ve owned a home for a while, but this year is the first year that the carrier really earned a tip (prior years/homes the carrier was mediocre at best, this year we had an all star). $10 coffee card? $25? I hate to stick food in the mailbox, i figure that’s what they get everywhere.

    • Ellen

      I live in a COOP and we pool our tip’s generaly, but with the US Postal Service, they say you should NOT tip them. I ignore that and give my guy $25 in cash, figureing he can go buy LOTTO ticket’s or whatever. Beside’s, the coop is NOT happy with the USPS b/c we get our mail LATE in the day. FOOEY on that if I worked from home, but I do NOT.

      I refreained from commenting on the above p’ost about counseling someone who’s husband was cheating on her. It is a PRIVATE matter that must be resolved between the 2 peeople. No amount of sex or withholding of sex is goieng to bring the 2 together again and I am in FAVOR of marrage. YAY!!!

  13. Sanity check

    I’m generally annoyed with a particular friend and I need a sanity check about whether it’s reasonable for me to refuse to do her a favor. We’re both attending a holiday party that is within walking distance of our offices. I planned to leave from work. Friend lives a mile from the party, which takes 20+ minutes to navigate during rush hour. She’s in traffic denial and insists it takes 5 minutes. I live in the opposite direction. Walking is not a good option for her at night and there are no cabs or public transportation to speak of, though uber is available.

    Friend wants me to give her a ride to and from the party so she can drink as much as she wants and not drive. I really don’t want to do this. If I already had to move my car to go to the party, I’d probably pick her up. But I’m not planning to move my car. I think it’s unreasonable to ask me to make a special trip just to get her. She thinks I’m being unreasonable by refusing to go out of my way. Help?

    • Mpls

      It’s all upside for her and none for you. I wouldn’t do this favor (and also wouldn’t ask it). You are not being unreasonable.

      I’m happy to give my friends a ride home in this situation (although they are usually more on the way home for me), but I would NOT pick them up. If she wants to go to the party, it’s her responsibility to get there.

    • Anonymous

      Tell her you’ll drive her home, but don’t have the time to pick her up. Suggest she walk.

      • Scarlett

        This sounds ridiculous to me – your friend needs to make friends with Uber, that’s precisely what it’s for.

        • Scarlett

          I meant your friend’s request is ridiculous not anon’ comment, not sure why mine posted here.

    • Anonymous

      I’d give her a ride FROM the party, since the traffic will not be a factor and you are planning on driving home anyway. Yes, she’ll have to walk with you to the office, but it’s still a substantial favor.
      As for getting TO the party, let her figure out how to travel one mile in the (early) evening and sober. If she has an ounce of sense, she’ll appreciate you doing this for her.

    • Senior Attorney

      This is exactly what Uber is for. She’s just trying to shift the cost from herself to you. Just say no.

    • Call me crazy, but....

      This is your friend?

      She lives 1 mile from the party…. and you wont pick her up on your way?

      yeah, yeah… it’s worse traffic than worst Manhattan traffic on a friday night, right?

      Are you really her friend?

      Because it sounds like you aren’t.

      I’m surprised I’m so different from all the other posters. Have a great holiday season everyone!

      • Anonymous

        It’s not on the way. It’s a 20 minute drive out of the way when the OP was not planning to drive. Just so friend can get trashed while OP stays sober.

      • Baconpancakes

        I’m reading that the poster’s original plan was not driving at all until she went home after the party.

        The favor would add a 40 minute unnecessary drive for the poster. This isn’t “picking her up on her way.” This is taking going to pick up someone who doesn’t technically need to be picked up (also works close enough to walk, but is going home first, to change I assume). This is making the poster into a cab service.

    • MJ

      Tell her you’re not planning to drive to the party and you’re leaving your car at work, because…parking. Problem solved.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        The OP was not clear from her original post that she was not planning to drive to the party.

  14. Meg March

    My brother this year for Christmas asked for “something special from New York City” that he wouldn’t be able to get in our small out-West hometown. (I currently live in NYC) Food is not an option. Any thoughts?

    For reference, he is 23 years old, lives with our parents, into board games and computers.

    • buffybot

      I think lots of the handmade stuff at the Brooklyn Flea and its ilk are ideal for these types of things. There’s also a fun store called “Story” in Chelsea that does a rotating collection of gifty type things.

      I also have good luck with the Christmas markets that pop up in Union Sq and elsewhere — lots of NYC-centric crafts, art, etc.

      And, I know you said that food isn’t an option, but what about food that is packaged/preserved? There are lots of Brooklyn hipsters making chocolate, pickles, jams, sauces, etc that are always popular with my out of town family. Or possibly some of the small-batch NY booze like Hudson Spirits?

      • Gail the Goldfish

        There’s always a shop at the Union Sq holiday shops that has fun nerdy gifts that might work for someone into board games and computers. I don’t remember the name of it, but if you see little Einstein finger puppets, you’re in the right place. And if you don’t find anything there, Forbidden Planet is right down the street from it.

    • Senior Attorney

      Does he like sports at all? Maybe a Jets or Giants or Mets or Yankees jersey?

    • anon a mouse

      I might wander into Muji and see if there’s something there (not NYC-specific, but he wouldn’t be able to get it at home!).

      Or, if you are open to clothing/accessories, something from Brooklyn Industries.

  15. Anonymous

    Leaving a job question- do you do thank you notes or anything like that? It’s my first time leaving a position- on very good terms and my boss was wonderful. Is it weird to write her a thank you note saying so? Or just do an email when I send my contact info?

    • Spirograph

      Two of my previous subordinates have given me a thank you note when they left (one male, one female, so not just a “girl” thing). I found one today when I was cleaning my desk and it made me smile all over again. I do’t think it’s weird at all. Don’t be effusive, but a genuine, hand-written thank you is always appreciated.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think I did this at my last job, but I did leave on good terms with them and have kept in touch, several people have been references for me, etc (pretty flat nonprofit, despite titles – just not a lot of depth in departments so I worked directly with VPs, etc). Despite this, I wouldn’t have said they had a meaningful impact on my career and my boss was fine but just fine, so I was motivated.

      I did this when I interned though because I had a stellar internship experience, and it was appreciated! I think people always appreciate recognition.

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