Thursday’s TPS Report: Resort Boyfriend Blazer

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I think this may be the first time that something from Guess is making an appearance on Corporette — yes, it’s a mall store from the 80s, but this looks like a really cute blazer.  The crisp white does look perfect for a corporate meeting at a resort (or just for summertime generally) — I like the gently sloped, almost shawl-like collar, and the slight touch of gray on the lining of the sleeve.  It’s $98 at Guess. Resort Boyfriend Blazer

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected] with “TPS” in the subject line.


  1. I have an idea for a post. I would love to see one post dedicated to the things we want designers and the stores to know. For example, some of us want to take off our suit jacket at lunch to reveal a really cute silky blouse and not have to worry about our armpit or flabby arms. A short sleeve (not cap sleeve, but short sleeve) would be a dream. Oh, at hey, Ann Taylor, we aren’t stupid. We know your quality has gone down. Stop paying Demi Moore and invest in your product. Then we could all happily go on Facebook and post the thread to the pages of the worst offenders. Or, we could send an email to all the department stores with a link to our complaints. Are you game, Kat?

    • Anonymous Poser :

      Amen to “not a cap sleeve, but short sleeve”! I get so irritated when I sort clothing by sleeve length, select short sleeve, and all I get (with maybe an exception or two) is cap sleeves!

    • SAlit-a-gator :

      This sounds like a great idea Taylor! I’m on board.

    • I wouldn’t assume all of us have the same preferences.

      • agree … but isn’t that why a post and the accompanying comment thread would be so interesting?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Even people with really skinny arms don’t look great in cap sleeves. It’s such a terrible offender re: cutting you off at the widest part of your ______ (arms, legs, hips, etc etc).

      I really wish the cap sleeve trend would just end.

      • Just to prove Kanye’s point I guess, but strangely enough, I actually do like cap sleeves.
        To me, it’s like a sleeveless, but a tad better, because my armpits are covered. Many short sleeved tops hit my arms at an unflattering length.

    • I don’t really mind cap sleeves, although I do not understand why this winter it seems like stores all have sleeveless tops on sale. Seriously?

      I know a lot of people hate 3/4 sleeve items too, but I love them. In warmer climates I find them to be very convenient when it’s too warm to wear long sleeves all day but you need a little more coverage than just a short or cap sleeve.

      • Yes! I hate this. I’m not sure why stores think I want to buy a bunch of sleeveless tops for winter, when clearly I’ll just have to wear another shirt over them. Someone posted on here a while ago that sleeves are an expensive part of a garmet to make, so stores might be leaving them off in an effort to keep the price down, what with the rising cost of fabric. Still, I would much rather pay a bit more for a item of clothing I’ll be able to wear on its own. I particularly hate sleeveless dresses in a heavy winter fabric (I’m looking at you, anthropologie, though not for work) – what am I supposed to do with a dress like that?

        • *garment

        • I like to wear those with a tissue turtleneck or thin long sleeve shirt under it, but i tend to “run hot” so I can’t wear like a turtleneck sweater or other heavy fabric ALL DAY especially in hot offices. But I guess the jumper look that I like is a little too juvenile or parochial school for some!

          • I do that as well. I prefer it because I can easily wash the underlayer instead of sweating all over the dress itself.

        • Anonymous :

          It forces you to buy 2 items rather than just one. Just like “layering tees”. They’re just tshirts made extra thin so you have to buy 2!

          • That’s true, but most of my dresses are dryclean only, and I can usually go two or three times as long without dry cleaning if I wear a top under. YMMV, but the tops I wear underneath are not that expensive and it’s much cheaper to throw them in the washer than it is to go to the dry cleaner.

      • I prefer 3/4 sleeves. When I wear long sleeves, I just always end up scrunching them up.

        • I don’t mind 3/4 sleeves for lower-layer tops, but I hate the trend of 3/4 sleeves on outerwear! I know I’m likely to get cold, and if something has short sleeves, I want to be able to put something over it, but I obviously can’t put a jacket on over a 3/4 length sleeve jacket!

          • soulfusion :

            I actually really like 3/4 sleeve jackets because I can pair long arm-warmer gloves to make it warmer but I don’t feel quite so overheated when I go in stores because I can remove the gloves. I think these type of jackets work well in the spring/fall when the weather is erratic here in NYC.

          • Yes, but 3/4 length sleeves are a pain in the neck to put a jacket/sweater/coat over. You cant hold your sleeves down and then they bunch up! I feel like a little kid whenever I try to layer over a 3/4 sleeve…

    • I like cap sleeves.

      • Checking in on the cap sleeve likers bandwagon.

      • I have very little opinion about cap sleeves. I don’t really have any preference for or against them compared to regular short sleeves. (So, if they’re cheaper, I like them a lot.)

      • Charlotte :

        I like them as well, because I have slightly proportionately larger arms and broad shoulders, but not for Winter. I run cold, and [in Winter] I need the most coverage I can get. Preferably in parka form.

        Loved someone’s reference to fleece-lined tights the other day — I had no idea those exist!

    • Hate cap sleeves!

    • Pockets and Business Appropriate Suits :

      My list:

      1. Please stop selling business attire without pockets. I go to court; I need a pen handy. I walk to the ladies room; I want to put an OB or a key in my pocket. You would never sell men’s pants or a men’s jacket without pockets; I want them, too.

      2. I am not a lady who lunches. I am not a teeny bopper. I am a professional woman. I need suits without florals, with appropriate length skirts, with serious jackets (no froofy appliques). Get with the program.

      • Always a NYer :

        I would love for it to be more common to see womens’ blazers with an inside pocket and usable outside pockets. Most mens’ suit jackets have them, why can’t we? As for pants pockets, whenever I get pants with them I have them sewn shut, I don’t care for the way they look on me.

        As for the florals and floof on suits, I would love to find a classic skirt suit that is long enough in the arms and hits me at the knee, not halfway up my thigh. At 5’11” I’d settle for suits that have enough fabric to let the hems down.

        • Actually, I’d like it if every jacket/coat (indoor, outdoor) had an inside pocket.

          • Anon in NC :


          • Always a NYer :

            This. I actually have a down jacket from Calvin Klein that has inside pockets. I also have a leather bomber jacket from Cole Haan that has two inside pockets, but it’s a mens jacket so that might be why.

            On another note, when I was looking for my leather jacket, all the womens styles were skintight and cropped around the natural waist. When I’m purchasing an outdoor jacket, I want something I can wear substantial tops underneath, not just a tank top.

          • Back when I wore suits (right out of college), I took all the jackets to a tailor and had him add an inside pocket.

            I don’t have to wear suits anymore and none of those jackets fit, anyway…

        • I think I need to quit law and open up a women’s suiting company.

          • Equity's Darling :

            I’m very big on supporting Canadian businesses, so I’d totally shop there if you did….

          • Woohoo! My first customer.

            But seriously, women’s suiting options in Canada suck even worse than they do in the States.

        • I’ve always wondered why I couldn’t just sew a tiny little pocket on the lining inside my suit jackets- just big and strong enough to hold some business cards or something. But I’m afraid to try.

          Also, I just looked at the inside of my blazer today (BR), and it has a fake inside pocket! W. T. F? It’s like the ones that they sometimes put on the back of pants, where there’s the trim around it, but the actual “pocket” part is only a cm or 2 deep. and doesn’t go beyond the trim. Why?!

          • Are you sure the pocket isn’t just basted shut? That would be seriously weird to have a faux *inner* pocket.

      • Amen to the serious jackets request! This is the bain of my existence when it comes to women’s suits, made all the more unfortunate that it’s usually next to impossible to find any inexpensive suits that don’t have at least one tacky detail. Sometimes I see those “get 2 for $149” ads for Filene’s Basement and think, wouldn’t it be nice to have some emergency extra suits to leave in the office or to tide me over when I gained 10 lbs, but alas…

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I would like to add a specific request that retailers put up pictures of items from the back. I’m looking at you Talbots and your “ruffle back skirt” with no image of said ruffle.

      • This.

      • SF Bay Associate :

        Yes, this.

      • MissJackson :


        I actually bought that “ruffle back skirt” last year mostly out of curiosity (and it was on super sale) – turns out that the ruffle is cute without being too ‘too’ (but how on earth would you ever know?)

    • Longer lengths for skirts and dresses. I would happily fork over an extra $10-15 per garment to cover the additional fabric cost if it meant I could buy more work-appropriate skirts and dresses!

      Particularly maddening is when designers offer “tall” sizes for the suiting jacket and pants, but no tall sizes for the matching skirt (see: J.Crew). If that double-serge wool skirt came in tall sizes, I’d probably have one in every color.

      • Seriously, I’m 5’3″ and I need petite jackets but the petite skirts are always soo short. So if I’m 5’3″ and need a regular skirt to be appropriate, idk what you taller gals do.

        I’d appreciate it if stores remained consistent in sizing and basic styles. Express recently changed their regular inseam length, so now shorts are too short and regular is too long, I don’t want to have to get everything hemmed! Gap used to make these “straight” jeans that fit me perfectly, not straight leg, but they had like regular, straight, curvy fits. Gap also used to have a size 1 and got rid of that (but I’ve gained some weight so that probably wouldn’t fit anymore anyway!). I used to love gap jeans and t shirts and I haven’t liked any of theirs in a number of years.

        I’d like it if stores size charts were accurate. My measurements are nowhere near what BR, express, gap etc tell me I am in their size chart.

        Def with everyone on stores need to make more nice short sleeve shirts to wear under suits.

        • Always a NYer :

          You might be interested in this post from Belle at Capitol Hill Style.

          It drives me crazy that my size changes depending on what store I’m shopping at. As for us tall gals, I’m 5’11” and can’t stand when tall lengths are 34″. I need at least a 35″, usually higher if I’m wearing heels. I long for the day when I make enough money that I can start to get suits custom made…

          • whaaat! I cannot believe a size 8 hip at BR is a size 2 hip at gap! their charts must be soo wrong. My current gap bottoms are size 1 and 2 (the 1 is kinda tight right now), and my BR bottoms are either 2 reg or 4P, but I have one BR skirt in 6P (I prob just got the bigger size in hopes of wearing it lower on my hips to have it a more reasonable length), so I seem to need a bigger size at BR. My waist to hip ratio is about 0.75-0.76 though.

      • Diana Barry :

        Double ditto to this. Is it so hard to add an extra 1.5″ to the hem?????????

        • Oh, they do (add the inches to the hem).
          I am 5’4″ and usually wear 31 inseam pants with 1-2″ heel. My recent jeans from AT Loft prominently featured “Inseam 31″ on the label, but were too long even for 4” heels… What gives???
          ITA with other posters on the quality, the fabrics, the inner pockets and on skirt lengths.

      • And if longer lengths somehow are not cool for the retailers, they can add fabric to the seam allowance! I pay attention to these things. I will try on an 17″ skirt with a 2″ seam allowance and let it out (or have a tailor do it). I will not try on a skirt that short without room to lengthen.

        FWIW, Brooks Brothers has very generous seam allowances in their clothes. Of course, they rarely err on the side of being too short.

    • Honestly, I really just want to go back to better fabrics. I lost another 2 sweaters (1 AT, 1 J Crew) this week (both were only bought last year) to mysterious holes, one under the arm and one smack under my boobs (which I wore to work before discovering said hole – mortifying – spent the rest of the day in buttoned up blazer).

      So sick of thin, scratchy, pilly fabrics.

      • YES. It irks me that the quality of fabrics keeps declining but the prices haven’t. When I started my first professional job in 2002, I bought a pair of wonderful pants at BR that lasted 5 years with heavy use. I’ve never found anything comparable in the same price point. Now everything is thin, scratchy, unlined, or just plain look cheap even it’s not.

      • CPA to be :

        This drives me crazy too. I got two turtleneck sweaters at BR at the very end of the season last winter. I maybe wore them three or four times last winter. Today I noticed that the one I am wearing has already pilled heavily and noticeably where the side of my arm rubs against my chest. Thanks for nothing, BR. Good thing I got this sweater on super sale.

    • I want the female equivalent of what men get: nice fabrics, nice cut, no cutesy details, appropriate length/coverage — just well-made clothing that will last more than a year or two. I like to look nice, but I actually don’t enjoy shopping all that much and frankly don’t have time to spend hours (or days) putting together a wardrobe. Sometimes I feel like I’m starting from scratch each season, which is really annoying.

      • Always a NYer :

        This x100.

      • Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl :


        • Seattleite :

          Favorite screen name EVER! Haven’t seen you comment in a while – thanks for the smile.

      • Anonymous :

        I love to shop, but I hate having to find new items for work because the pieces I loved the year before have all pilled or have holes!

      • CA lawyer :

        I agree!

      • I wish they wouldn’t make the same inseam length for all sizes.

        A size 0 probably usually won’t always be the same hem length as a size 14.
        I’ve officially given up and decided that learning how to hem isn’t that hard and the sewing machine will recuperate all the costs.

        I think what’s upsetting is that they assume women will buy clothes frequently because we want to stay in fashion and what not and therefore assume we don’t need quality fabrics and cuts.

        • This. It’s depressing to go to Zara and find that all the pants have like a 36″ inseam. These are WNBA inseam-lengths! Ridiculous, when we consider the height of the average American woman (approx. 5’4″).

          Also, I don’t think retailers will ever move back to quality vs. trendy-fast fashion. I mean, from their perspective, they’d rather sell you clothes 3-4x a year, vs 1x every 2years.

          • At least a 36″ inseam will accommodate more women than a 34″ inseam. I need a 36″ inseam to wear flats. At least if pants are too long you can get them hemmed. We of the freakishly-long-legs have no such recourse.

    • Strongly agree with Taylor’s idea and other comments that have followed. Obviously people have different particular preferences–that’s what shopping is for–but 3 takeaways I see, and wholeheartedly endorse, are:

      1) Think of women’s workwear as workwear, not as a somehow “office”-inspired take in a fashion spread in Lucky. Our needs are much more similar to those of our male counterparts (of the same age and life situation!) than of models or fictional characters.

      2) Yes, we did notice that the quality of almost everything sucks now, and yet prices continue to rise. (I would REALLY like to see a retail exec answer this complaint in an interview, but never have.)

      3) Enough with the games in sizing and cuts. It’s true that shopping can be fun, but never having any clue of what size you need, and being stuck trying on three of everything, is not.

      I hope Kat reads this thread because I think this blog is a forum that could produce feedback stores should care about…

      • Research, Not Law :

        Agree 100% with “office inspired.” I need “office.”

      • Sometime around 1989, I purchased a lined gray pencil skirt from the Limited for $50. I wore it to work and then to law school and then for the first years as an attorney. It never fell apart and I only gave it away after having a baby in 1999. At the time, $50 was a fortune to me but it was worth every penny and then some.

        • oh yes, this is why I love my mom’s hand me downs. I have old stuff of her’s from LL Bean that was still made in america. I wore a pair of boots of hers today that she bought in the late 70s when she started working (can’t remember the brand bc I leave them at work). Oh yeah, and my dad went to the same law school I did in the 80s, and my parents t shirts and sweatshirts from there have still held up!

    • MeliaraofTlanth :

      I want to take a full page ad out in vogue or something with a letter to designers. Though basically, I think it can be summed up as “we’d like the same quality and quantity of basic workwear as men’s clothing, please. We will pay for it. signed, huge market of professional women.”

      • My only amendment would be: “We already are paying for it. Give us the appropriate value for your prices.”

    • Oh I could probably have a daily blog on this subject. But my top 2:

      Stop putting low-rise pants in your *work* clothes collections. Low-rise pants are not work appropriate for women with any kind of curves. Professional women don’t like to risk having their lower back/butt crack show when they bend over to pick something up at work.

      Stop treating the petite section as a dumping ground for frumpy, matronly items or overflow from the sale rack. I’m 5’3”, I’m not BLIND. I read the same fashion magazines and websites as everyone else. I get that there’s always going to be less floor space in the petite section, but that’s not a reason to make it look like s**t. Every time I see a messy petite section, I think “This stores really doesn’t want the petite customer’s business.”

      • I disagree. They should be offered as work wear option (provided the fabric is suitable). I can only wear low/lower rise, straight cut pants. I have curves (as in a butt), but my hip to waist ratio is almost a 1:1. The low/lower rise work pants I wear are office appropriate. I have never shown my butt crack or naked lower back to anyone at the office because they fit me. “Normal” rise or high-rise pants on my look ridiculous– think jodhpur pants.

      • News flash: smooth front, banded waist pants with no belt loops only fit properly when the wearer is at exactly the same weight/ lack of bloat as the day that said pants were tailored. Every other day, those pants either pull at the waist or sag unbecomingly. I love the idea of these kinds of pants but PLEASE make them with belt loops or side buckles or something…

  2. So many stores have gone down in quality. Its really frustrating. I won’t even shop at Banana Republic and Ann Taylor anymore because nothing I’ve purchased in the last three years has lasted more than a season without ripping, pilling, etc. And J. Crew is on my annoyance list as well, but they have beautiful stuff, so I keep going back.

    • Haters Hate, but I have good luck with express! For the price point I get a number of years out of their separates, and a lot of times I wear each of editor pants once a week, and machine wash and dry every few wears. Personally I don’t like lined pants anyway, but my pencil skirts and sheaths from there are lined.

      And for the tall girls their regular inseam is now 33″, so the tall has to be more than 34″.

      • Honestly, I have to agree with this comment about Express. I had shunned the store for years because of their self-imposed image. However, I recently went there to buy an extra pair of pants for work. The Editor pants fit me perfectly. I am very petite and usually everything at BR or AT makes me look frumpy, but the Editor pants are so nice! A bonus is that the size never changes (uggghhhh…ANN TAYLOR!) and they come in a million different colors and textures. Not to mention that they are MACHINE WASHABLE!!! As long as you can get past the fact that a sixteen year old wannabe slutty girl with glitter eye makeup will be helping you, it’s worth the try.

        Also, retailmenot and other coupon code stores usually have a printable coupon for Express, so the pants are an average of $20-$30 off.

        • Yes, once you shop once at express they email you a ton of coupons, like $50 off of $150. I do hate their button ups, and if i buy a top there is casual or going out, but I have some suits from there (then end up costing $100 total), editor pants, pencil skirts, shealth dresses and jeans are all good!

        • Agreed. I jut got a really great black roll-up the sleeves throw over everything black blazer there. Can’t wait to wear it tomorrow night. They keep surprising me lately…

      • I feel the same way about The Limited, which is basically like Express for work wear. The stuff is always on sale and almost always fits the same. I live in their Exact Stretch pants, which go up to a Size 16.

    • Research, Not Law :

      Agree. I understand that material costs have risen dramatically (especially cotton), but I would gladly pay more to be able to get something that will last. I’m tired of all the additive fibers used to keep the same price point. I was so angry the last time I went to AT to renew my standard pants purchase and they weren’t remotely the same quality (or cut – am I crazy?).

      I’ve actually had really good luck with Lands End and LL Bean (both have classic and modern lines, Canvas and Signature, respectively). Unfortunately, they don’t do much for professional wear in formal offices.

      • What irks me is that in many stores (J.Crew and BR are great examples) quality has gone down while prices have gone up. I’ll pay more for a better product but not an inferior one!

  3. LADIES. I have an announcement.

    I, a non-finger-nail-polish-wearing individual, have been inspired (a) by our recent discussions of appropriate nail colors for the office and (b) by my realization that I can wear colors to my awesome in-house job that I couldn’t to a stuffy law firm.

    So today, I am rocking Button London’s Chimney Sweep– a dark metallic charcoal grey ( .

    I feel like I could punch life in the face and then take its lunch money. Pow Pow!

    What colors are you all wearing?

    • Always a NYer :

      Essie’s Chinchilly, it’s a slate grey and has become my go-to polish this season.

    • I haven’t worn polish in years, but the comments here finally got me to buy some as well! I’m rocking Deborah Lippmann “Glamorous Life,” which is a delightful pinkish gold with a hint of sparkle.

      I am dying for some metallic grey polish but my fiance (who is terrible at surprises) disclosed that he was getting me the Chimney Sweep in my stocking for Christmas! So now I’m trying to wait :)

    • a nonny miss :

      Essie’s Bobbing for Baubles with white polk-a-dots on my ring fingers!

    • Bathroom Pants Juggling :

      “I feel like I could punch life in the face and then take its lunch money. Pow Pow!”

      YES. This is *exactly* how I felt a few days ago and put on mehndi/henna on my nails. And they will last forever. And I now have cheerfully orange nails. Muahahahahahahaha.

    • Amazing! Love the colour, too.

      • I’m wearing Revlon’s “Grey Suede” which is a kind of a greige offering.

        (And something pink from Essie on my toes, just to be rebellious and Out There).

    • Got a Sephora polish (can’t remember the brand name) during my last order on a whim. “Welcome to my Loft” – love the name and the color – a medium gray that is more on the brown side than the blue. That said, it doesn’t seem to hold up very well.

    • Queen of Hearts, a shimmery crimson color from Gelish. My friend recently got a gel manicure in OPI Russian Navy and I think I will go there next – it looks AMAZING.

      • Diana Barry :

        I just took off a nice royal purple OPI/Sephora color – don’t remember the name. Will do a gold next if my Ulta package comes soon! :)

    • Essie Plumberry. I don’t really wear pink clothing, but get my fix by owning practically every pink shade of Essie polish that exists.

    • anon in SF :

      Butter London yummy mummy. Hate the name, love the nude/pink slight shimmer color.

    • Equity's Darling :

      Butter london- Old Blighty! I love the brick colour against my skin. Love.

      I’ve been looking for a really saturated green, or a forest green (or both!), anyone have any suggestions?

      • Butter London British Racing Green ?

        • I just bought this recently! Haven’t worn it yet but I think it will fit the bill of what Equity’s Darling is looking for. Can’t wait to rock it.

    • CPA to be :

      OPI for Sephora’s Non-fat Soy Half Caff…. obnoxiously high maintenance name, very low maintenance sheer pale pink.

    • I’m wearing OPI’s Shanghai Shimmer, but it’s starting to chip (helped along by the five hours I spent picking at it yesterday during CLE) so I’m going to get a manicure this afternoon. I’m debating between a “fun” color because right now my schedule is clear of important events until after Thanksgiving and a “safe” color just in case something comes up.

    • Accountress :

      OPI’s “Getting Miss Piggy With It”. It’s a lovely fine red glitter with bits of red & silver hex glitter mixed it. A single coat over a red base would look very stylish but understated.

      That’s why I put on three heavy glitter coats instead- it’s so sparkly that I get a headache just looking at it for more than a few seconds at a time.

      Totally worth it.

    • Anonymous :

      OPI Teasy Does it–a dark maroon with red shimmer.

    • Russian Navy (shellac), as an alternative to my usual winter color, which is black. I work in biglaw, but I guess I just lack fear of judgment due to my manicure.

    • I have nail polish envy. I need this color.

      Today I have on Honk if you Love Opi – by Opi, of course. It’s a very dark purple/plum. Something about the fall puts me in the mood to paint my nails. I usually go without in the spring/summer.

      I have been to two stores so far looking for the little OPI muppet glitter sets for my daughter’s stocking. Now I say that it is for my 5-year-old, but Mom may just have to try them out too.

      • Accountress :

        Try the Regis salons- I haven’t found them in Trade Secret stores.

        You definitely should try them out- this collection is so fun!

      • Try Ulta or (suprisingly) 3rd party retailers on

        The fullsize bottles end up being just shy of their usual 8.50 price though YMMV

        This may or may not be how I got ahold of a bottle of Rainbow Connection that is currently adorning my toes…

        • Accountress :

          Isn’t Rainbow Connection the best “Happy New Year!” color ever? It’s the first thing I thought of when I got it.

  4. Please tell me I’m not the only one annoyed that Kat hasn’t changed the timestamps for Daylight Savings Time.

    • You aren’t. ;-)

    • Equity's Darling :

      Whatevs, I’m in a different time zone anyways, so the posts showing a complete different time is not weird to me. It’s like you’re all posting from the future!

    • Tired Squared :

      I’m not annoyed exactly, but I definitely did a double-take at some of the “future” posts earlier today!

  5. The touch of gray at the sleeves looks like sweats/PJs material! Far too cutesy-casual for my taste, or for my place of employment, for that matter. Also, I don’t think this is the type of white blazer that would work outside of summer. I think there’s a reason Guess generally doesn’t make an appearance here. Though I must confess I still hang on to my “question mark” jeans from H.S.!

  6. Bathroom Pants Juggling :

    I have an answer to this! TROUSER SOCKS. I always wear socks, even in the summer, just for this purpose alone. As soon as I get into the stall, I tuck my pants legs into my socks. Then I carefully roll down my pants so that they’re supported by my knees before I sit down. Crazy? Perhaps, but I’m glad to know I’m not the only one grossed out by what’s on the bathroom floors. Shudder.

  7. I missed yesterday’s conversation about intimacy and so I’m reposting here because I feel so strongly about this issue. For any woman who is experiencing physical pain during intimacy, please keep reading:

    For anyone who is feeling pain during intimacy, I wanted to post something that has changed my life. I’ve had lots of pain all throughout my 10 year marriage, and so we did it extremely infrequently. Last week, for the first time in 2 YEARS, it happened and I felt no pain. That’s right, I had not been intimate in 2 years with my SO. I cried afterwards because I was so happy and shocked that I could actually enjoy the experience. Note that I did not have any cysts, yeast infections, or anything else that would explain why I had pain. I have been to over 5 doctors who couldn’t figure what was going on with me.

    What worked for me:

    1. go to a physician or physical therapist who specializes in something called “pelvic floor”. They can measure your pelvic floor with a special instrument. Normal readings are 15 – 20. My initial reading was 55. If you live on the East Coast, I highly recommend a visit to Philadelphia to see any one of the nurses at the S**ual and Pelvic Health Institute. They specialize in treating pain.

    2. Ask your physician about taking V suppositories. They’re basically a muscle relaxant that you insert every night before going to bed. I used them for about 2 months every night, and now I barely use them anymore. A HUGE help.

    3. The thing that helped me the most was using dilators — start out with a small one and go up from there. Use it for 15-20 minutes every day. Again, your doctor should be able to give them to you. I had so much anxiety about intimacy that I forgot what it even felt like to have something in there.

    If you’re feeling pain, you’re not alone! I honestly didn’t think I could ever be intimate with SO again, so there is hope.

    Read more:

    • Also if you are having v difficulties and your doctor ignores you or tells you to relax, go to another doctor. Buy or check out The V Book. It goes over different V conditions in great detail and has resources for you and to give to your doctor. Also check out If you join the organization, they will send you a list of doctors in your state that specialize in v pain. If your ob/gyn can’t help you, try a dermatologist or physical therapist. There are many different kinds of v issues that can cause pain, discomfort, etc.

      • I agree. If you tell your OB-GYN that you are experiencing pain during intercourse and that it is limiting your sex life and the doc tells you “you’re probably just tense”, its time to try a new doc. It MAY be that you’re tense, but I think there is a large group of docs who think that pain while doing it is just “normal” and that there’s nothing to be done. But there is!

    • I don’t deal with pelvic floor problems (it’s a complex area that requires high specialization) but I want to echo Me Too’s comments. Find a pelvic floor center if you’re having pain with intercourse. You may have to travel several hours. But they understand that area way better than the vast vast majority of physicians. In medical school, I think I got like, maybe an hour of lecture on this topic…go to someone who has more than 1 hour of knowledge!

  8. My parents go to the keys every christmas, and it’s still cold at night so this jacket with be a cute coverup. Even in December I feel weird rocking black jackets/sweaters down there. I’m usually a super efficient packer, but I find that trip so difficult to pack for because of 1) the varying temperatures 2) the wide variety and dressy-ness of activities and 3) the confusions of tropical – still winter – holiday….

  9. Just wanted to thank everyone who commented on my post yesterday about online dating. I feel much better about this and ended up sending messages to a few guys last night.

    Did I mention that Corporette is the only place I feel comfortable discussing this issue? I love this site…

    • Yay! Good luck with the site, and most importantly, have fun! Enjoy your dating life, dear!

  10. momentsofabsurdity :

    My dad just called. He left his (F100 high powered exec type) job of 11 yrs late last night (company is global – his boss is currently overseas). Luckily, he is leaving by choice and going to another job. However, said job is at a competitor so HR immediately revoked access to the building, is sending him instructions to return his computer, etc.

    I think he calls me because he feels very bittersweet about the whole thing – this is the first time that I can remember that he left not because something was definitively wrong with his existing job (terrible boss, no longterm future for the company, etc) and just because there was a better fit and opportunity for him elsewhere. He really likes his boss (who is an officer of the company and had to put in the immediate termination steps, which he understands) and feels a little sad about the whole thing and I think the fact that he just made a Huge Life Change is hitting him.

    My high school aged sister cannot actually remember him working anywhere else. I had to ask him “where do I email you?” because I’m so used to emailing him at [email protected] (and was totally shocked to learn he had a personal Gmail account! Who knew?!) He had to go out and buy a personal laptop today since he will (obviously) need to return the company one. I think he’s feeling very mixed emotions right now. I didn’t know what to say to make him feel better except “You’re doing the right thing, Dad, this is a great opportunity, you knew leaving Company would be difficult but that doesn’t change the great opportunity you’re walking into” etc etc.

    He has about a week and a half before he starts at his new job, but he said he might try and start earlier – I think he’s not totally sure what to do with himself. He knew this would happen but it doesn’t make it less strange feeling when it did. I am not sure what to say to make him feel better about this but I’ll be home for Thanksgiving next week and would like to go out with him to do some fun things that help him get excited about the next steps (and also to keep him busy so he doesn’t dwell on “was this the right decision?” etc etc). Ideas?

    (Realizing your parents are people too is hard, I think…)

    • Were there any activities you used to do with your dad that you haven’t in awhile? My dad loves eating at restauramts, so we do that sometimes, coupled with a movie or art museum. Is there a project around the house you can help him with?aybe a combo of stuff that keeps him busy with other, passive conversation generatingactivities.

      Mini golf? Tennis? Seeing local play or comedy improv? Helping clean out storage unit? Take mini road trip to see giant ball of twine?

      Congrats to him on his new adventures in employment! Transitions generally come with trepadition, and being is new environment is challenging. Sounds like you are doing a good job of being thete for him and he must greatly appreciate it :)

      • Sent from lowend smartphone with veerrryyy slow internet, please disregard poor grammar!

        Also, want to say i’ve been through similar times with my dad, and it is pretty awesome to be in the position of supplying him with help help and support when for the majority of my life it is the other way around!

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Thanks! Those are all good ideas! He’s been bugging me to play a game of tennis with him actually.

    • Seattleite :

      “Realizing your parents are people too” is indeed hard. And it is undoubtedly one of the greatest gifts you will ever give them.

      Don’t focus too hard on ‘getting his mind off it.’ (And consider whether you would be doing that to help him, or because it causes you anxiety to watch him go through this. First reason is okay, second…not so much.) For people who have been others’ rocks, it is SO emotionally validating when those people acknowledge that we have doubts, fears, etc. Too often the family dynamic is that we’re not ‘allowed’ to have them.

      Listen. Let him talk it out. Let him know you have faith in him, love him, and appreciate his example.

      Not that I’m projecting or anything.

      -mom of DD21 and DS18

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        That’s a really good point. He should be able to feel emotions too no matter how viscerally uncomfortable I feel about it! I’ll definitely keep that in mind when I go home. I basically just want to let him know I’m there for him – I know what it’s like to mourn the closing of a chapter while being excited for the opening of the next and I just want him to start to move on the phase of getting excited.

    • Anonymous :

      You all sound like a lovely family!

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Thank you! I think so. We’re scattered across the country (and sometimes the world) but we are pretty tight knit.

    • it is SO hard. My dad just got ‘fired’ from his job last week, the day before his birthday!! How lame is that? And this is the job he’s been at for 1 year, after getting laid off from the job he’d been at for 8 years. We are all really worried about him, because he is in his late 70s, but can’t afford to retire, and so is back job hunting. But we’re worried that he won’t really be able to find a job, or learn a whole new job at this point, because he has been slowing down a bit in recent years. I feel so bad, and I want to do something to help, but I don’t know what I could do.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Your poor dad! How terrible of them. I think the best thing you can do (or at least, what I would do) is to keep trying to do things that brighten his day – like unexpected midday phone calls to say you love him, popping by with favorite baked good, getting him tickets to that sports game he’s always bugging you to care about, etc etc.

        I hope your dad finds good-fit employment soon!

  11. Any suggestions for resources (books, websites) about becoming or being pregnant? I’m not trying to start a discussion about the taboo topic of babies, I’d simply like to know which of the zillions and zillions of resources other Corporettes have found most useful. I’m probably looking for general, basic information – this is relatively unknown territory for me and, just like any other time I venture into unknown territory, I’d like to become more informed.

    • Research, Not Law :

      For trying to conceive: No personal experience, but I’ve heard only good things about Taking Charge of Your Fertility on my parenting boards.

      For pregnancy: The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s extremely informative, well-organized, easy to use, and well-written. It’s organized by topic instead of week/month, which is so much easier to reference. It has very helpful charts about likely occurrence of symptoms, etc. It is the only book I ever read (I read many) with real coverage of post-partum. It also covered topics in a more appropriate manner. The other top books will have a two-page spread on some obscure risk, for example. I read it when pregnant, but I think it would make for a good prep book, since it’s so well organized.

      Also for pregnancy, I’d recommend The Expectant Father. It’s written from the male perspective, but isn’t dumbed down or mocking. I actually found it interesting as well. And, My Pregnancy Journal. I rolled my eyes when given it as a gift, but it was actually a lot of fun. It’s full of very random but interesting quotes and tidbits.

    • For ttc: lots of online forums, no specific book recommendations.
      For pregnancy: Pregnancy week by week is good if you’re the kind who wants to know exactly what goes on, biologically speaking (“the baby has toes now, whoa!”). AlphaMom’s guide online is also good.
      It’s been a while, but I liked Girlfriend’s guide to pregnancy for a relaxed, funny take on it.
      I strongly recommend Be Prepared: A practical handbook for new dads. It was a gift to my husband, but I found it laugh-out-loud funny, and instructive at the same time.
      For preparing for baby: The Baby Whisperer and Happiest Baby on the Block. For the former, strongly recommend the book. For the latter – you can watch the video, the book can get repetitive. Recommend the video for your partner and maybe even the grandparents-to-be, if they will be helping!

    • For all things pregnancy and baby, I preferred the various internet resources. I actually had a ‘pre-natal’ physical with a general practitioner and she had great advice about getting pregnant and did general bloodwork. I also got a few vaccinations to endure everything was up to date and started taking prenatals.

      As for books, I read the Girlfriends Guide and must say there was no book more annoying. I threw it in the garbage. I did read some of What to Expect When You’re Expecting and What to Expect the First Year but, again, the internet was more useful for me when I was up all night nursing a baby, reading on my iPhone.

  12. Ladies – I missed the intimacy discussion here yesterday and was sad – cuz I want to ask a related question that is a little odd/TMI (sorry!)
    Hubby likes to use the back door and will try to go there about 1/2 or 2/3 of the time during intimacy. I don’t like it AT ALL (it is uncomfortable! and often painful! and sometimes I think it’s gross!), but put up with it since he likes it. Do any of you do this ever, and does anyone have any suggestions how to put up with it more, or tell him I don’t like it, or…no idea?!?
    …and sorry this is so out there.

    • 1) Lots of lube 2) Extreme gentleness 3) Lots of stimulation somewhere else that actually feels good
      PS. You are really nice. Hubby and I go that route only on very very rare occasions, although I think he might like it to happen a little more often. Ouch!

    • anon for this :

      This has always been a dealbreaker for me for all the reasons you mentioned. I’m a woman, the need to do it this way makes no sense in my mind as my front door works much better. You say he tries to go there very often, does he know how much you dislike it and that it physically causes you pain? If yes, a bigger discussion needs to take place. If no, tell him and if he really loves you and cares for your pleasure as much as his, he will find other ways to get his rocks off.

      Someone below mentioned doing this for DH once a month or on his birthday, but why put yourself through that if it’s painful for you? I’ve always been an advocate of to each his/her own but if something hurts and makes one of you uncomfortable, it shouldn’t need to be put up with just to keep him happy. I do agree with “anon for this @12:43” that maybe doing it doggie style might be an acceptable compromise, just as long as he knows the back door is off limits and all relations will cease if he even tries to go there.

      • Anonymous :

        OP here – if it is painful for me, he stops, always. I just wish he wouldn’t *try* it so much. We have talked about it, but another issue is that I don’t know how uncomfortable it’s going to be ahead of time.

        I don’t mind doing it occasionally – it is exciting for me to get him excited (and who among us would say that giving BJs excites us, except to get our SO excited??).

        • anon for this @12:54 :

          While it’s nice that he stops if it’s painful for you, why even go there if pain is a possibility?

        • Seattleite :

          OP, how is your husband at abstracts v. concreteness? Some people just don’t ‘get it’ unless they’ve experienced it himself. There’s no good way to say this without sounding snarky; please believe that I really don’t mean it that way: Have you actually demonstrated to your husband what it is he’s asking of you? Do you have a p*nis-sized toy that you can use on him, so that he can experience what it feels like? That may slow him down with the requests.

          Barring that, I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with making a ground rule that if the back door is used, it’s because you’ve initiated that activity. He’s not allowed to go there without your explicit invitation.

          I find the fact that you apparently can’t just say to him, “I don’t like how often you try it,” troubling.

          • I find the fact she is asking “how do I tell him no” extremely upsetting.

          • Extra anon for this :

            Should have included this in my own post but we also have this rule … he only goes there with permission (ie, after he asks … it’s not something initiate!). It’s not just up for grabs, so to speak!

          • anon today :

            While back door relations are a no-go for me and always have been, if this is something your SO/DH wants, I’m an advocate of, “Let’s see how you like it when I do it to you.” His tune may change dramatically if he feels the slightest discomfort/pain.

            That said, if you don’t want it done to you, say that. If he keeps trying after that, you need to reevaluate your relationship.

        • V from Iowa :

          This is (for all practical purposes) a joke, but I recommend asking him do let you do it to him, too. See if *he* likes it.

          I don’t understand the societal obsession with this.Unless a woman likes it, it is most definitely not for the couple’s (but only man’s) pleasure.

    • You shouldn’t have to put up with something uncomfortable and painful, especially so often. Intimacy is about both of you and your relationship, not about one person’s individual pleasure. I would suggest having a frank conversation with your husband and explaining how you feel. If it’s something you want to eliminate completely.. in my opinion you have that right, but I’m no relationship specialist. If you’re ok with letting him go there occasionally (like the suggestion below about 1x in a specified period, or on specific occasions), then set that out as a compromise. Then work on finding other activities that make you both happy.

    • Why is this even up for discussion? Something is very wrong when a woman is willing to put herself through a painful experience just to keep her husband happy. Think of all the physical harm you could do to your body, not to mention the emotional harm this is doing to you.

    • really anon :

      I’ve had good luck with a numbing agent that you can get at most adult stores. It helps a lot. That plus a few glasses of wine. But see, I like it and don’t think it’s gross. If it makes you that uncomfortable, you need to decide if you are willing to continue to put up with it for his sake or whether you would like to offer some alternatives. I recommend searching for a Dan Savage column about this topic.

      • Anon for sure :

        Numbing agent – really? A “few” glasses of wine – again really? Not the advice I would expect to find from this site. Ladies i’m almost speechless and beyond disappointed with soome of these the comments.

        • really anon :

          Did you also see the part where I said that I enjoy the experience and don’t think it’s gross? And where I told her that if it makes her uncomfortable she needs to make a decision about how to deal with the situation? I answered one of her questions: how to put up with it more. And, I wasn’t judgmental…

        • That’s actually quite dangerous. It means you are less likely to identify tearing, bleeding, puncturing, etc. If it hurts when you’re sober, you shouldn’t do it when you’re drunk. Dan Savage has said as much. But he does have some good advice as how to make this activity painless and pleasurable for yourself. He would start by saying that you should take penetration off the table. You need to talk about this activity with your partner when you are not engaging in it, and communicate exactly what your experience is like. Then you can discuss how to proceed, based on your own instincts, suggestions from others here, Dan Savage guidance, or anything else that might be useful.

        • You may be being a tad judgmental. If she wants to do it, who are you to tell her it’s inappropriate to prefer a few glasses of wine first. People have a great diversity of s*xual inclinations and desires — the question should be whether something is consensual, not whether it involves pain.

      • Yes. There is a book Dan Savage frequently recommends.

        On a related note, not to stiflle discussion altogether but am I the only one a wee uncomfortable with these discussions taking place during the morning TPS reports? I am not a prude, and I know I can skip the threads, but I read this on my work PC and I hate to think that accidentally leaving the website window open on my computer will cause someone walking by to think I am looking up an*l s*x tips. Can we maybe limit this to post-5pm/weekend thread talks?

        • I’m with you there. Weekend threads and coffee breaks are fine since I expect this type of talk there, but I get really paranoid when it pops up on the TPS thread that I usually read at work.

        • I made an ew gross face when I read the question.. I could be a prude but not what I was expecting to see. not the mental image I want when eating lunch ugh. I do think the flood gates have been opened and since one person posted people are getting their long burning questions in so it should die down naturally.

          • Yes, but isn’t there a difference between “coffee break” discreet question about how your high demand job affects a part of your life, discreetly worded, and basically a request for lube recs and other tips? Don’t we have some boundries? It literally went: 1) how often do you do it? to 2) how can I make my bf finish faster? to 3) what about during your period? and now 4) the backdoor. And the last one at like 10 am. I’m sorry but I really do think there is a time and place.

          • PS: I didn’t mean for that to sounds so harsh or judgy. I was just a bit thrown off by seeing that first thing in the morning. Obviously, people can post whatever they like and we can scroll down or not as need be. I just hate being paranoid about what I am reading at work in the event someone walks in unexpectedly.

          • Yeah no I agree, I was grossed out. the dying down naturally is wishfull thinking mostly.

        • Doesn’t bother me, and would be hard to enforce. Also, weekend threads are getting unwieldy. If you are worried about getting “caught,” scroll down or read comments after hours. Plus, people here are from all over the world. What about 5 p.m. in London v. NY v. LA?

        • No matter :

          If you step away from your computer, you are supposed to lock it no matter what. It’s the rule in most workplaces, and a very sensble one at that… particularly if you care about your own privacy, not just sensitive work-related information.

    • super anon :

      oh my gosh.. you didn’t ask so this is completely unsoliciated.. but wtf! Half the time you do back door even though you hate it!! that just seems so controling and terrible. I have at least one friend who likes it but I tried it once and hated it and my bf has mentioned it once or twice since then (so over 3 years) but I’m like nope, I gave it the college try. Its insane that you have to ask advice to tell your husband you don’t like that. Just say that! That is terrible that he keeps trying half of the time!!

      Imagine if their was a restaurant your husband hated. his least favorite and it always gave him food poisoning. Now what would his reaction be if half of the time you went out, you made him go there or attempted to get him to go there. What would his reaction be? Would he say no, be resentful, or go ask his guy friends if they had any Pepto he could borrow so he could “put up with more” Now multiple that time 100 since we are talking about a very sensitive private spot on YOUR BODY. Sorry to get so worked up but jeez! I had like a physical reaction to your post

      • very anon :

        I was trying to figure out how to word my reaction to this post but you’ve done it better than I could have. WTF is right.

    • A couple people talked mentioned him yesterday — but I’d definitely read Dan Savage’s archives. Not only does he have some pretty explicit discussions of back doors and how to do it with less or no pain — he also has an interesting theory of being GGG. I think its great that you are trying to make your husband happy (and being game for what he wants) but I feel like (a) 1/2 the time is too frequently for something you really don’t enjoy and (b) you need to be able to have a really frank discussion with him about it. Maybe set a time table or discuss it in advance if he wants to do it.

    • Extra anon for this :

      I’ve done back door a few times. It’s definitely more pleasurable for him than for me, but I don’t mind doing it occasionally (maybe 1-2x a month), the same way I’d be okay giving a BJ. We usually switch over after we’ve enjoyed some front door pleasure, though. We tried “back door first” too, but we discovered that it was MUCH easier for me to handle after I’d finished through the front door. (Sorry for the euphemisms… trying to avoid moderation).

      You definitely have to be careful to use LOTS of lube and make sure he’s willing go to very slowly. In my experience he can go 1/3-1/2 of the way in right away before my body adjusts. After that he goes verrrrry slowly to let my body finish adjusting, and once he’s all the way in it’s much easier for me to handle. He’s never pushed me beyond what I can handle, and I find that remembering that (and using that memory to help me relax) makes a big difference.

      Wine definitely helped me the first couple of times too since I was so nervous!

      • Anonymous :

        Anything that you need to have wine for before doing should not be done, period. If you aren’t comfortable doing something while sober, alcohol will only make it worse.

        • Extra anon for this :

          I agree… but I was comfortable doing it while sober. The wine (and subsequent cuddling) just helped me relax my nerves.

        • anon for this :

          I don’t think this is true, at least not for me. I don’t do back door, but there are other happy time activities I don’t really enjoy well sober, but really REALLY enjoy after wine like more intensity and S&M type stuff. I also feel kind of awkward dressing up while sober, but feel really good in it after a couple glasses of wine.

    • Absolutely Anon :

      Tried it 1x or 2x early in the relationship, did not like it at all, partner still [years later] hints sometimes that he’d like it to happen, but I say no everytime. Sometimes I ask “Would you let a man do that to you?” or suggest using a device so he would experience it. This tends to kill the mood!

    • I like it :

      Just want to go on record as one of the vocal minority to say I actually enjoy it, have never had pain with it, and actually kind of miss it as my current beau isn’t into it at all. Apparently he gave it the “old college try” and prefers the front door. Which is great. But for anyone else out there who enjoys it and is sitting there worrying that it makes you a freak or something, there are plenty of women who enjoy it – we just usually keep silent about it because it is an issue that those who don’t enjoy it (or have never tried it) react so vehemently to, and no one likes to be judged. To the OP – I agree with everyone else saying you need to discuss with him, and he needs to stop trying to initiate so often in the hope that it won’t be painful to you this time. It can be great, but it usually requires a lot more prep and care and acceptance (if you view it as a “taboo”) than it sounds like you’re getting.

    • V from Iowa :

      While it’s important to take into serious consideration your partner’s needs, this is a situation where I think it would be well worth is to try to examine why you “put up” with it.

      If you’re uncomfortable, please don’t make yourself do it. Hugs.

    • A lot of people do a lot of things. Slate recently ran a series of articles asserting that women who enjoy anal sex have far more profound orgasms than those who don’t. Take a look at the book “The Surrender” by Balanchine dancer Toni Bentley. It’s all about how much she loves anal sex.

      As for comments saying things like “Tell him you want to use a dildo on him and see how much he likes it…” probably a substantial number of men would love it but are too uptight to admit it, partly due to their own hangups and partly because they see their partner has her own hangups. It’s all about different nerve cells in different places being stimulated, not about being gay or doing something “dirty.” And, remember, it was not so long ago that many people thought any sex act that did not lead to procreation was sinful.

      That said, nobody should be doing anything they feel coerced into doing.

  13. Anon in NC :

    Threadjack – I am re-organizing/improving my work space and habits and would like to hear from you suggestions on how you would handle juggling mulitiple requests from up to 10 individuals at a time. I work in-house and take my laptop/work home with me every day so would ideally like a planner of sorts(I can carry with me) that would allow me to track outstanding items etc. I don’t always need to bring a file home. I should also note that I do not have a full-time assistant. Thanks for your insight.

    • AnonInfinity :

      Do you have Outlook and use the calendar? Making to-do lists in Outlook and using the calendar both help me a lot.

      • Anon in NC :

        I do have Outlook but was thinking of some type of planner so I can take to meetings etc.

        • AnonInfinity :

          This might not work for you, because I think it would become unworkable once you get a certain number of projects.

          I have a folder for the “active” stuff in each file. As the first document in each folder, I have a to-do list for that project. I compile those each week into a master to-do list that I add to as the week progresses and I get more stuff.

          That might not be exactly what you’re looking for.

          Might have better luck on the Coffee Break since you had the bad luck of being sandwiched between the “back door” conversations…

    • Lawyer Bird :

      Synching my outlook and google calendars changed my life. Now my calendar is with me at home and at work, and on my phone, too. I used to use a Filofax, but a Filofax doesn’t send you reminders and if you lose it, it’s gone forever.

  14. anon for this :

    1/2 to 2/3 of the times you’re intimate! OMG!!!! I really don’t know how you put up with it! I’ve tried it twice with people I’ve been with a for a while (with fresh condoms and lube) more for the novelty, and let them know I really don’t like it and it’s uncomfortable and it never really came up again.

    You say you don’t like it AT ALL, that’s a pretty strong feeling against it. Just tell him it does nothing for you and is painful and see if you can work something out, maybe do it once a month, on his birthday… and do regular ahem from behind a lot for the view!

    • What does it say about our significant other if he wants to do something that causes discomfort and pain – this is such bull*#*! – and we are ok with this?????????????????????

      • anon for this :

        I had to help my parents change a light fixture, as my dad’s wrists are severely damaged due to an accident, and after working on ladder with my neck turned up for half an hour, it was painful and not comfortable. Men (most men) do a lot of tasks that are discomforting and painful. I’m a not a proponent of back door activity AT ALL, but without knowing other dynamics of their relationship and the other give and take, I think they could compromise about it.

        Personally I HATE giving BJs. hate it. I would give up ever getting head again to never do it again, but I actually end up doing it probably about half the time, just for a few minutes as pregame. I do it bc he really enjoys it, and I can handle it for a couple minutes. SO is so good to me in other aspects that I don’t mind.

        If OP is in a situation were SO is very controlling and domineering, I would ask her to really look at her whole relationship, but I don’t know the specifics.

        • Anonymous :

          There’s a difference between giving a BJ and allowing back door access. Giving a BJ won’t rip your mouth open and cause permanent scarring and other horrific damage to your body. Back door access will. Compromising on something that you don’t particularly like to do and something that physically causes you pain are two entirely different scenarios. Pain should never be tolerated, no matter how much you love someone or how much they cater to you in other ways.

        • Anon for sure :

          I don’t think you comprimise about pain and discomfort – period. This is absurd.

  15. So Anon for this one :

    I don’t understand how anyone would want to do something that is painful period!!! I don’t care if it is a persons birthday – I wouldn’t do it. Something seems very odd about this…this is 2011 and we think it’s ok to subject ourselves to something we don’t agree with and that is painful and potentially harmful in so many other ways??????????????

  16. Wow, I missed an awesome discussion yesterday. Just when I think we’ve covered everything…the corporettes surprise me!

  17. thoughts on the Sephora College Makeup Studio Blockbuster?
    I’ve never really purchased a ton of makeup and usually only buy the drugstore variety. Can anyone speak to the quality, usefulness, or value of this palette? Or make recs for similar palettes, there are so many at sephora right now.;jsessionid=ZEOADEEBFS5NICV0KSKBHOQ?id=P294706&categoryId=C7010

    • I didn’t check the link, but sephora brand is not any better quality than drug store make up. So unless its cheaper than drugstore prices don’t get it. I use a variety of high end makeup and drugstore makeup. Never tried a sephora brand product that I liked.

    • just checked the link, I don’t know what product you want it for mainly, if its eyeshadow, spend the $50 on a nice designer eye shadow quad, or spend $25 on a mid range eye shadow pallet and get a nice lipstick/blush or two. Unless you have a need or desire for all those colors.

      • I really like NYX 10-shadow palettes. They perform very well with a primer, are compact and have a lot more wearable colors in decent quantities.
        I recommend you to buy one or two of those and a higher-end eye primer. Designer shadows are also an option of course, they cost more but last forever.
        And most women who use powder and lipstick/gloss carry them in purses anyway, so the lip component in the Sephora kit is useless IMO.

    • Anonymous :

      You will hardly use that, and it won’t be better quality than you’re used to. The quantity is so vast as to not be an improvement, either. Totally love the thought of treating yourself, but not to that. Lots of lovely treats at the drug store, too, BTW.

      • Thanks, everyone! This was exactly the kind of advice I was looking for! i love this space!

        • There is a huge palette made by Smashbox that usually comes out during the holidays, and the quality of the makeup is high. I would suggest that instead of the Sephora brand, which is, IMO, kind of crappy.

  18. CPA to be :

    Do any of you have any suggestions about where to get a basic freshwater pearl necklace for under $200? I found one I like on The Pearl Source:

    Have any of you ever ordered from the company?

    • Pearl Paradise is a very good company, with great prices. Pearlparadise dot com

  19. whoops! meant to say “Sephora Collection Make Studio Blockbuster” not Sephora College …

  20. Feeling Insecure :

    Ladies, the recent discussions on sex and intimacy have inspired me to post about my marriage, hoping I can get some of advice.

    The hubby and I recently returned from Vegas and now I am feeling so so insecure about myself. While in Vegas, we went to a burlesque/striptease show (topless cowgirls, etc). It was DH’s idea to go, but I agreed because I was also curious myself to see a show. Anyways, the show was fine and we had great s** when we got back to the hotel room. We stayed in Vegas for another night and the following day he kept making “jokes” abut strippers, stripclubs, and even the signs all over Vegas for escorts/prostitutes. Some jokes were harmless, but others were blatantly about how much he would love to go to the strip club. So, after hearing this all day, I thought I’d give him a little treat and when we got back to the hotel room I proceeded to give him a striptease in our made-for-voyeuring hotel shower. About 2 mins in, he walked away nonchalantly and started drying off his hair (he was in the shower before I got in there). I felt absolutely mortified and embarassed. I mean, those ladies could have gone on for HOURS and he would have sat and drooled.

    Now, after this weekend with all his comments and the striptease-gone-wrong I feel terribly insecure. It’s not something I want to discuss with him until I can understand why I feel so insecure and hurt and whether my feelings are reasonable.

    Fwiw, we’ve been together 5 years, married for 1. We are both in our mid-twenties. We are both in shape and good looking. He’s never cheated on me before BUT his buddies took him to a stripclub for his bachelor party and he got multiple lapdances. He hid this from me until a few days later when he randomly came clean. I think a big part of this insecurity stems from this incident as it is so out of his character to lie, although he did voluntarily tell me about it and we discussed how much it bothered me. For the record, I do consider lapdances cheating and I would never want himto go again. But this weekend has got me paranoid that it’s only a matter of time before he goes again and gets lapdances or worse.

    Am I crazy? What do I do…

    • I don’t think that you’re crazy. I do, however, think that you might be making a little bit too big of a deal out of it (in a perfectly normal way!). As for the striptease, you might want to think back to what you were doing – was it 100% clear to him that you were intending to put on a show, from start to finish, for him, or might it just have looked like you were kind of joking around about it? Bear in mind that guys can be REALLY dense about these things, and if you were a little uncomfortable with it, you probably were trying to make it look more casual.

      As for the lapdances, again, think of it from his perspective. If he knew that you had a real problem with lapdances (as in, you consider them the equivalent of cheating), then would he still have done it? Most people, I think, see lapdances as sort of naughty, but not really cheating. (I’d not want my guy to have one, but I wouldn’t put it anywhere near the cheating level, personally.) He came clean, and, I’ll assume that he wouldn’t do it again, so let it go. If he’s going somewhere where the issue might come up (i.e., a buddy’s bachelor party), you might want to remind him that that’s where you draw the line, but, assuming that he understands that, I think you’re probably fine.

      (Also, at the show you went to, one of the things that probably really interested him was that you were enjoying the show, that, from what you described, was made more to appeal to those who prefer to look at women. I don’t think that there’s any straight guy who doesn’t have that fantasy, so that would certainly explain why it was so interested in the idea, but it doesn’t mean anything. Lots of guys have that fantasy, but they don’t actually expect it to go anywhere.)

    • I’m around your age and have the same relationship/marital stats you and your H have. I don’t blame you for being paranoid, because it’s in my nature to be the same way. I am not a fan of strip clubs and H only goes when it’s a bachelor party type scenario. (As an aside, I actually picked him up from the strip club after a bachelor party once, which made me feel more comfortable for some odd reason…) I’m also uncomfortable with lap dances, because it squicks me out. I think it was great of you to go to the burlesque show with him, and it sounds like that was something you both enjoyed.

      Re: the strip clubs and the comments. From what you said about the burlesque show, and the fun you had afterward, I think that it might not be the stripping itself that is interesting to your H – it might be the voyeuristic nature of it being someone else on the stage and you sitting next to him. Do you feel comfortable asking him what the allure is? Once you identify that, you might be able to recreate it in a way that makes you feel less insecure. Of course, if that’s not the case, and his reasons for wanting to go are reasons that make you feel less secure, that’s a bigger conversation.

      As for him not taking the hint when you were stripping – like I said, it might not be the stripping that he likes. It might be what I mentioned above. But it still would’ve hurt my feelings a little if H walked away and didn’t “get it”. I think you could tell him that you were trying to be playful and that you felt snubbed and why that reaction made you insecure about his strip club comments. (Why is MY stripping inferior to a stranger’s stripping, my dear?) If you can talk about it with him, and be open to his feelings, you might feel less insecure knowing his motivations.

    • I think you need to talk to him about it, openly and honestly. Try to stay calm and talk without getting overtly upset and don’t get accusatory. I don’t think it takes a psychoanalyst to figure out why you feel insecure and hurt; your husband rejected your advance, and even if he didn’t mean to, that’s hurtful. What matters is that you do feel hurt, regardless of why you feel hurt. Communicating openly about your feelings without being accusatory is an essential part of any healthy relationship, and the longer you let it go, the more hurt you’ll feel.

    • Feeling insecure :

      Thank you ladies. I think I’ll talk to DH tomorrow or sometime this weekend, when I can bring it up more casually. I’ll post an update :)

      I really love this community. It’s the only place I can get feedback from similarly-situated people. I love you all!

  21. OK, all my life, I’ve had this major addiction to advice Q&A type things. Dear Abby, Ann Landers in the paper when I was a kid, Dr. Laura on the radio, then when the internet got big, Dear Prudence at Slate, Dear Wendy, and a bunch of others.

    If Corporette’s going to keep on being one massive advice column , I might as well just give up ever getting anything done! :)

    • AnonInfinity :

      I love them all too, even the ones that I completely disagree with! Every Thursday morning, it’s my first treat break to look at Dear Prudie.

    • Seattleite :

      Carolyn Hax FTW

      • I love them, too!

        Another column I frequently read: Cary Tennis’s “Since You Asked” column at

        I think it’s because of my curiosity about the human condition, and all its variants. My life is fairly normal and mostly together, so I’ve always been curious– what issues do other people face? And if I were in that position, would I be able to handle it well (or not?) And what do other people think is appropriate to do in those situations.

  22. Feeling Insecure :

    Thanks Lyssa for your insight. Right now, DH can tell something’s off with me but I’m trying to tell myself not to turn this into a big deal and just get over it. Unfortunately, I’m the wears-her-emotions-on-her-sleeve-and-must-ALWAYS-get-things-off-her-chest-or-will-explode type. Hopefully, I can keep this to myself for now. I agree that I’m overreacting, but I seriously am incapable of rationalizing it and think I may jump down his throat tonight for I don’t know what for!… *sigh*

    • Seattleite :

      It might be a kindness to you DH, and take some of the pressure off you, if you can muster up the chops to say, “yes, there is something upsetting me, and I promise we’ll talk about it when I’m ready/Sunday night/when hell freezes over.”

  23. Naida Lindberg :

    I am the biggest fan of blazers. The older I get the more I begin to realize that my closet with one day be full of them. They have this way of showing off curves without making me feel bulky. I have always usually found the best ones at thrift stores and with good tailoring they fit perfectly. It also dosen’t make such a large hole in the wallet of a college girl.
    Thanks for posting.

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