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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 363 Comments · by

Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Twill Corset Peplum Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Tibi is doing a lot of very interesting things, for those of you with a more fashiony comfort level when it comes to workwear. They've got these corset peplum tops and also corsets, Edwardian tops, and some very intriguing double waist pants — so definitely check them out if you're on that end of the spectrum. The pictured top is available in lucky sizes only at Tibi, Saks, Amazon, and Nordstrom in black, pink, “sand blush,” and white. Tibi Twill Corset Peplum Top Here's a lower-priced option; two plus-size alternatives are here (also available in regular and petite) and here. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 9.19.24

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
  • Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
  • Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
  • Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
  • Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
  • White House Black Market – 40% off select styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. anon

    Has anyone done fraxel and want to comment on whether it improved acne scars?

    • techgirl

      I think Caroline Hirons has discussed fraxel on her blog/channel.
      No personal experience sorry.

  2. Anonymous

    This reads very Handmaid’s Tale to me.

    And then I go to the Tibi website and it’s got a full exposed zipper on the back AND they’ve paired the black with acid-washed mom jeans (I could, maybe possibly, see acid-washed non-mom jeans with the white, but black? NON!).

    And now I’m really confused.

    • Anon

      Huh I’m not seeing Handmaid’s Tale. I like structured tops like this for warm weather when you’d rather just not wear a jacket to work.

      • Clarissa

        I think it’s the pickups on the sleeves as if they were being rolled up to do handy work

  3. anon for advice please

    Chicago ‘rettes, I’d appreciate any advice you have on finding the right neighborhood. My husband, new baby, and I are moving to Chicago this summer. We’re both lawyers. He’s joining a firm in the Loop. I haven’t done much job searching yet – I’m still on maternity leave and may stay home with baby until pulled off a daycare waitlist, but I want to keep my options open as far as finding a job I can easily reach by public transit in the future. We aren’t willing to pay more than $3k/mo. in rent, and we need to be able to walk to the gym, daycare (eventually), and grocery. So far we’re considering Lincoln Park, Lincoln Square, and Evanston. Any thoughts you’re willing to share will be appreciated. We can’t ask our lawyer friends IRL yet because I haven’t given notice and my current boss can be vindictive about other people finding out first. Thank you.

    • Kk

      Lincoln Park will be tougher (but not impossible) to get a nice place in your price range. There’s lots of shopping and restaurants nearby, but its louder and more crowded than Lincoln Square. Evanston is much much more suburban, and would be a more significant commute.
      I’d look near the Southport corridor (about Belmont to Grace St, East of Ashland, West of Racine/Clark). It’s lots of young families, there’s a fantastic jewel (grocery) and brand new whole foods, great restaurants, and a little quieter than Lincoln Park, with a more reasonable commute from the Southport El stop.

    • Minnie Beebe

      Lincoln Park will be tougher (but not impossible) to get a nice place in your price range. There’s lots of shopping and restaurants nearby, but its louder and more crowded than Lincoln Square. Evanston is much much more suburban, and would be a more significant commute.
      I’d look near the Southport corridor (about Belmont to Grace St, East of Ashland, West of Racine/Clark). It’s lots of young families, there’s a fantastic jewel (grocery) and brand new whole foods, great restaurants, and a little quieter than Lincoln Park, with a more reasonable commute from the Southport El stop.

    • just moved

      Hi, a recent Chicago resident, just moved, but take a look at Bucktown too. Easily accessible via the public transportation and walking distance to all three things you have mentioned.

    • Chicagoan

      I’ve lived in several neighborhoods in Chicago & Evanston.
      I’m sure how old you are– but Lincoln Park is a drag for the 35 & older crowd, unless you want to buy a house.
      Lincoln Square has more options and a more adult (not old) demographic. Lots of 3 flats for rentals, and courtyard build.
      I live in northwest Evanston now , and commute to Chicago as does my husband, but I cannot recommend Southeast Evanston more. It is so diverse from the housing options to the people, and it has the Metra and purple line right next to each other the Main Street Station. The beach is right there. We were so happy there but moved because we couldn’t afford single-family in the neighborhood (it is mostly condos & apartments execpt for huge historic homes). Also, it is so close to Chicago (just over the line, which is Howard Street). So you can easily hop on Lake Shore drive to get to the city, too.And far enough away from teh pesky NU students. Finally, if you’re into it, Evanston has recently boomed with microbreweries and some really good restaurants.

    • Chicago Bean Accounter

      Lincoln Square and Evanston are pretty far from the Loop. I’d recommend Wicker Park/Bucktown, Lincoln Park, Old Town, and West Loop. These all have good L train access. I live in the West Loop and love it, but I will say we got in early and the price is creeping up quickly. Ukrainian Village is great if you don’t mind a bus being part of your transportation, though on the bus you are at the mercy of traffic.

    • Rainbow Hair

      If you’re considering Evanston (my husband worked there when we lived there — I worked in the Loop) look at Andersonville. It’s charming, affordable, family friendly… We lived about a 2 minute walk from the train, and for me a slightly longer ride *on* the train was infinitely preferable to a longer walk *to* the train and a shorter ride. I think you could get a really lovely 2 bedroom well under your price range. They just put in a new Whole Foods on Broadway, and there are a bunch of gyms — I was partial to Edgewater Fitness on Bryn Mawr, but there are tons. You can walk to great bars and restaurants (think more Sunday brunch than party-all-night), and you can walk to the beach! I miss it.

    • Roscoe Village

      Roscoe Village is very kid/family friendly–mostly single family homes, duplexes, or 3-story condo buildings; 3-4 parks within a mile walk; lots of cute stores and restaurants; four major grocery stores within a mile; and a few small gyms (YMCA, Anytime Fitness) in walking distance. It’s not quite as far from the Loop as Lincoln Square, either. I live on the edge of Roscoe Village, so I walk 12 minutes to the train and then it’s 20-30 minutes on the train (and I usually get a seat). I’ve seen recently renovated 2 bedrooms rent for 1800/mo, new single family home construction sell for 800-1.2mil.

      • Chicago gal

        I agree – Roscoe Village is very family friendly as is Evanston and Andersonville. Lincoln Park’s best family friendly areas are not rentals and often walkups with street parking, so you are facing a trek with your stroller up stairs from the street. Lincoln square is cute but mostly expensive single family homes and there is no parking near their commuter rail and the el is a long trek. Every young family I know moves out of the West Loop because it is less family friendly- fewer green spaces, more bars and restaurants open late, and incomplete walls in loft-style apartments (which are VERY common in the West Loop) — these lofts are the killer of most young families I know because noise travels and that is tough with a baby. One couple vowed to move while opening the groceries in the bathroom because of the noise waking up the baby. One thing to be aware of – will you have a car and where will you park it? Will you take the baby on the train- not all stops have elevators.

        Chances are as a lawyer that you will also work in the loop, so keep that in mind. You are wise to rent first – it is a good way to check out the neighborhoods and schools you will want to be near and figure our logistics like even if you can walk to the grocery store, you probably don’t want to with a baby in a blizzard.

  4. Leadership Transition

    I’m hoping one of you ladies can help provide some perspective here. A few months ago I took on a new role in a new company where I am largely acting in a leadership role. In my previous position I had a very senior advisory role but also completed some tasks as an individual contributor. I’m finding this transition to be more challenging than I expected. I’m very task-oriented and love the satisfaction of crossing things off a list. In this new job, I feel like I’m constantly spinning my wheels and not really getting anywhere. I miss the satisfaction of having a physical work product that *I* created. While I know that lots of things are being completed with my help and oversight, I can’t stop feeling like I’m not really accomplishing anything by the end of a very long week. Any advice for someone like me?

    • Pompom

      Ymmv, but for me, a similar transition required a paradigm shift in my head about what qualified as a task to be crossed off the list. Took a little bit of energy for me to critically think about what I was actually doing and when I was expected to do with my time, and then categorizing those things as tasks. Checking in with a subordinate on the progress of one of their projects? That is now a task for me to do. Instead of me doing the thing, I’m doing the checking and coaching and coordinating at a higher level. I’ll be honest: it’s not as satisfying as doing the task yourself and getting to gleefully check off the to do items on your list….but that’s the job now, right? Also, savor the tasks you do get to individually contribute to!

    • Anon

      I spent 4 years managing 47 people and now I’m back to managing 5. In either case, your task list as a manager is not about your individual accomplishments but about the accomplishments of the team.

      The team produced the quarter end financial package, which included several sub tasks. The sub tasks and the overall package were on my to-do list because ultimately I was responsible for getting them over the finish line in time.

      Crossing it off my list doesn’t have to mean I did it myself. It means I led the team and held us all accountable for getting it done and getting it done right.

    • Anonymous

      No advice, but total commiseration! I’m in this same position and find myself struggling more than I expected.

    • C

      Get back into reading real books (as opposed to listening to audiobooks or reading stuff online)!

    • LondonLeisureYear

      This is a weird summer for me because we are moving in the middle of it but on my list:
      1) A beach day
      2) Make Homemade Popsicles
      3) Make a dessert with fresh cherries
      4) Make BLTs with great tomatoes
      5) Visit a rooftop bar
      6) Find a good evening or afternoon for a picnic
      7) Walk with my husband to work or home from work whenever possible
      8) Eat outside whenever the weather allows
      9) Play mini golf / bowling / laser tag /line dancing – any of those are totally out of our normal routine
      10) Go to an outside play or concert
      11) blast summer play lists whenever cooking dinner
      12) Catch some fireworks
      13) Say yes to dresses and no to the hair dryer
      14) Read a favorite chapter book from my childhood
      15) Take more pictures with my friends – realizing we always take pictures of their kids but forget to get ourselves in the photos.

  6. Looking for some wardrobe advice

    I work in a business casual office and am struggling with rounding out my wardrobe of tops/pants. Suits are too formal, and even blazers can feel too formal. I don’t like traditional cardigans (thinking those that look like they are part of a twinset) but I like the drapier type, although sometimes they can look too casual. I have tried some ponte or linen blazers recommended here but haven’t found anything I really love. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with the look.

    I’d just like to find a few good “third pieces” that can make my blouse/pant or dress outfit look a little more formal/professional.

    For some reason I am so drawn to this sweater for summer: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/niczoe-4-way-convertible-three-quarter-sleeve-cardigan-regular-and-petite/3684024?origin=shoppingbag – but I don’t love the price tag.

    Any advice or recommendations?

  7. Combining finances

    Getting married in a few weeks and looking for advice on convincing finances. How do you do it?

    Quick background: Neither of us have considerable debt. He owns our house outright. He’s currently unemployed and collecting unemployment. My post-tax/deduction paycheck is a bit more than twice his current unemployment pay. Hopefully he will have a job soon, but my earning potential is higher. We are very comfortable living on just my salary, though money will be tighter in the next years as we grow our family.

    Money is sloppily, partially combined now, and we need a better system. We both agree we’d like a bit of our own “allowance” (though I hate that term) so that I can feel free to get manicures and he can have drinks with buddies, we can buy each other gifts, etc, without feeling any guilt. We will both continue to contribute individually to retirement funds. Generally I am a bigger spender than him on clothes and other frivolous just-me stuff.

    Here are the options I see. Do you think any of these work better? My goals are to feel like a team, reduce his anxiety around unemployment, and minimize resentment over how we choose to spend our money.

    1. We each contribute an equal X amount to joint accounts (checking + savings) , e.g. $1500 a month. Anything left over is our “allowance” to do whatever we want with. This means I would end up with a lot more “freebie” money than him in our current situation, and he would probably continue to feel pretty poor.

    2. We each contribute an equal X amount to our “allowance,” and everything left over goes to our joint accounts. This feels like the most equitable to me, but it means I will be contributing much more to household expenses than him. I think I’m OK with that, especially as I think there will be times when I’m not working and he is.

    3. We each contribute a % of our income to a joint account, such as 75%. This would result in me contributing a lot more to household expenses, but also having a bit more in my own allowance. I think this is the option that appeals to me the most, since I tend to spend more than him but also want to contribute fairly to our family. This approach would also be scalable no matter how our incomes change.

    I want to sit down with him tonight and really nail this down, automate it, and think about it a lot less. Any advice is much appreciated!

    • Sassyfras

      Before we had a kid, we did % of income. My husband made more so he paid more for our bills but had more ‘fun money’. The only reason we switched after we had a kid was because it got more complicated once we had a bunch of deductions for things like dependent care FSA, etc. and there is now a smaller gap between our salaries.

    • CPA Lady

      What works for us is to figure out our big picture budget items first. For us, that’s saving 15% for retirement, paying off our mortgage aggressively, and saving for our kid’s educational expenses. In the past, our goals included saving for a house down payment, paying off (minimal) student loans, and building up an emergency fund. We decided on monthly payments for those goal items, paid them first, and used the remaining money, if any, as slush.

      We pool everything and both spend whatever we want on fun things for ourselves without monitoring each other. This only works because we both want to live within our means and we’re both frugal but relaxed and trusting about the other one’s spending habits. Both of us have, in the past, struggled with a score-keeping mentality in other aspects of our relationship, so I don’t think a system that involved a lot of math like contributing a certain dollar amount or certain percentage would work well for either of us. For us, being part of a committed team means there is not really a concept of “my” money and “my household expenses”. We both work, we both live in our house, we both go on vacation and eat the same food. It’s all ours together.

      Financial stuff is very personal though, and I don’t think there’s one true “right” way to do anything– just do what works for you.

      • ELS

        +1. This is us. All our money (save retirement accounts in our own names) is joint. We use YNAB to track finances, and agree generally to an amount of allowance for each of us each month, as well as the amount we’re saving for retirement, purchases, etc.

        I, personally, am the one making less in our relationship, and will likely continue to be. Our relationship is one of equals, and I would be, I think, offended if my husband didn’t think his income was our income. We are partners in everything else.

        However, I’m also the budgeter and less spendy of the two of us, so maybe that is affecting my opinion.

        FWIW: DH and I have been together for a decade, married for six years this fall.

      • Edna Mazur

        This is us, but I also can’t imagine the higher earner getting more fun money would work well, without resentment. When I was in school (which ultimately benefited both of us), I earned almost anything, but would have been pretty hurt if I couldn’t do anything for fun and he could go on boys weekends because I didn’t have the money and he did. Now, he stepped way back in his career to care for the kids and I am the primary breadwinner. I can’t imagine it would work out well if I was able to indulge, while he made a sacrifice for our family and can’t do anything he enjoys due to money.

        That being said, like the trust CPA lady spoke about, I can see this working in cases of sacrifices to benefit the family or involuntary unemployment. If I were working my tail off and my partner just wanted to sponge, I can’t see the totally equal thing working without breeding resentment.

        TL;DR – for us, when all parties are working for the benefit of the family unit as a whole, equal, regardless of income level works best.

    • Emma

      I’m in a similar situation – I’m in big law, FH started his own business as an online consultant and does not make much right now, and we are getting married in July. He has more savings than I do since he worked a corporate job while I was in law school, but I make a lot more now and will probably continue to make more for the foreseeable future. We don’t have much in debt, thanks to Canadian tuition.
      The system we came up is we each have our own bank accounts, where our pay/earning goes, and deposit a fixed amount in a joint account each month. We came up with a joint budget and clarified what was joint/personal expenses. So far we deposit 50/50, which I didn’t really expect, but his pride got in the way. We may revisit this arrangement at some point. Honestly, I think the “deposit x % of our income in the joint account” is the most practical, but it was hard for us since his income fluctuates so much as a freelancer.
      Since I have more income and am generally better with money, I will be contributing the bigger part of our retirement and savings. We each get to keep our pre-marital savings separate, but we are in a community property province so post-marriage is common savings no matter what. We have also opened a joint savings accounts to store the cash gifts we have started to receive in connection with our wedding, which we will use for our honeymoon, unexpected wedding expenses, and hopefully to contribute to our future downpayment fund if there is any left over.
      Honestly, talking about money was the last frontier for us, especially since he is from a family that NEVER talks about money, and although he is an open-minded guy, there was some lingering discomfort about the income disparity. We’ve tried to keep our joint budget reasonable so that we can contribute 50/50 without him struggling, and I save a large portion of my income and contribute to discretionary expenses as my budget allows for (fun weekend trip, nice sweater for him, plus whatever personal expenses I feel like). It has worked out well so far, but mostly I’d say the greatest benefit has been getting this conversation going – what is our budget, what are our values, how do we approach savings/big ticket expenses, what will we do when we have kids, etc. It’s a work in progress but I feel a lot better now that we’ve had this conversation. Good luck!

    • anon

      Are you living in his house?

      If so, he is actually contributing quite a bit in addition to his salary/unemployment. You can include the approximate cost of renting the home you live in now as part of his income to get a feeling how much additional he is contributing.

      Just FYI, in case in changes your thought process a little.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Don’t forget that he’s already contributed to your household expenses by owning the house outright. We got married young and combined finances entirely. About 7 years in, we created “allowance accounts” and everything works smoother. The allowance money is a set number regardless of how much either of us makes. Everything else is shared but goes into retirement, savings, investments, joint trips, household expenditures, date nights together, etc. We also use joint money when we both need something at the same time that would have otherwise come out of personal money.

    • Anonymous

      We don’t do a formal allowance. We pool everything – his paycheck goes in what was originally his account, mine goes in what was originally my account, so the money is physically somewhat separate but both names are on both accounts. The only separate money is retirement accounts. We both spend whatever we want on frivolous stuff and usually only discuss in advance if it is a big purchase (usually >$500) or if it’s something totally out of the realm of what we normally buy. I think this works because we generally have a similar approach to spending and are both pretty frugal, e.g., I buy a ~$200 handbag maybe once a year – I don’t know that this system would work if I was spending that on myself every month.
      Fwiw, if my name was not on the house title I would be much more concerned about how expenses were divided and if I were the primary earner I would probably want to basically keep finances separate.

    • Walnut

      We put everything in the joint account and then siphon off a specific dollar value for each of our “fun money”. This gets spent on personal credit cards and the personal credit cards are paid out of the joint account. As time has gone by, the fun money is less and less important and we both tend to put our personal spending on the joint credit card.

    • Leatty

      DH and I have a different strategy that more or less works for us: All of our income goes into joint accounts. We generally do as we please with our money (dining out with friends, pedicures, shopping), but have agreed that we will discuss any proposed purchase over $200 with the other before purchasing the item. The one draw back is that one of us (generally him) spends too much on smaller purchases in a given month. When that happens, we talk about it and ease up spending the following month.

      This works much better for us than having separate accounts. Before we were married, we had totally separate accounts, and I hated making a list of what I spent on our joint living expenses (he moved into my apartment so all bills stayed in my name) and tallying up the amount he owed me. It made me feel like he was more a roommate than a partner. I also didn’t like deciding which purchases should be considered joint and which should not. DH is also less responsible with money than I am, so it makes me feel better to know where all of our money is going – we are less likely to end up with credit card debt this way.

      I make 30% more money than my partner, and I would be uncomfortable with options 1 or 3 you mention. DH has never resented me for making more money than him, but I would be concerned that either of those options would breed resentment. I would also feel wasteful insofar as my additional allowance could be better invested or saved for our future.

      • anon

        +1, although I’ll note that this works for us because DH isn’t interested in bills/budgeting/personal finance (so he is fine relinquishing control), and I am (and not fine relinquishing control). Also, we talk about everything. I’m sure that if he wanted even a little bit more control over finances, I would find it hard to let go. I’ve also heard of couples splitting between investments and day-to-day.

        • Anon for this

          +100 Amen. I make substantially more my spouse. And, being a woman, I think there’s some sticky social/cultural weirdness about it, but not for us. I work in finance so I’ve rather naturally gravitated towards the bills/budgeting/personal finance role in our relationship. (And I’m more of a control freak…)

          What I’ve found work is that we have a monthly finance update (about 15 min) where I go over our accounts, current status of things we’re saving for, current status of things we’re paying off (boo student loans) and we talk about what’s working and what’s not. Having this checkpoint is really helpful because I can sometimes overwhelm with details and different scenarios and spreadsheets. Making it simple, high-level, and consistent means that it doesn’t come across as accusatory or reactionary.

          We have pretty frequent conversations which has been helpful. Before we combined accounts we talked about what it would look like, what threshold of purchases we’d chat about (about $350 ish) and what our goals were. I had us prioritize what we wanted to save for and what amount.

    • Scarlett

      We’ve found it easiest to just have a joint checking/savings and credit card. Initially I thought it would spoil surprises if we didn’t have a separate gift fund or that I’d want my own pot of play money. In reality, none of this matters – we both agree to check in before spending more than a certain amount of money anyway and have joint future goals. Neither of us cares about the other person’s little things and credit card accounting hasn’t spoiled a gift yet. I suppose it depends on your comfort level, but this has surprisingly worked for us and I never thought it would.

    • anonshmanon

      We do number 3 and it works for us. We estimated what we need each month (housing, utilities, food) and contribute to this budgeted amount based on our respective salary.
      Agree with posters above that it takes some conversation to establish what expenses are “joint account”. In the first year or so, revisit every couple of months and figure out whether you both are happy with the chosen system.

    • Scarlett

      Oh I forgot to say the huge advantage of having one pot for everything is that we can easily track savings and spending (terms used loosely to include investing, etc) because there’s visibility on everything coming in and out jointly v having parts of the income coming into different places.

    • anon for this

      We pool finances almost completely. Any income that either of us earns goes into a joint account. We budget all family expenses from there. We use Mint, and we both have access to the account and alerts so we know where we stand. We each get a little bit of “mad” money every month, which is for lunch, coffee, happy hour, etc. We also each have a separate account where we keep money we receive for birthday and Christmas gifts (mostly from his aunt). I tend to blow through mine, and DH hoards his :-)

      Bigger picture, we each have separate investment accounts, consisting of small-ish inheritances, that we had before we got married, and we’ve left those separate. And of course, we each contribute to our own IRAs/401Ks.

      This system works for us. It makes us feel like a team. Personally, I wouldn’t like a % system where one person earned more and therefore got to spend more because we both should be putting equal effort into either work or household/childcare stuff. Also, we’ve been married just 7 years (today!), and who works more, earns more, and does more around the house has fluctuated and flipped more than we ever expected–so whatever your system is, make sure you’d be OK being on the other side. Life is long and unpredictable :-)

    • H

      I was very hesitant about combining finances because my parents never did. They had a huge discrepancy in incomes and it didn’t always work out that well. It felt like they were always keeping score with other and I didn’t want my marriage to be like that. So we combined 100% (and have an agreed upon budget) and it doesn’t matter who makes more.

    • Anon

      My husband is self-employed as a sole practitioner (but soon “retiring” to stay home with the baby full time in about 6 months). We’ve been married for 2 years. Given the unpredictable nature of his income, and my BigLaw salary, once we moved into the house we bought (6 months before we got married – we split the downpayment evenly), I put together a budget (that included some joint savings) and I put that amount in the joint checking every month. My direct deposit still goes to my personal account. Any big purchases usually come out of my account, and husband has enough allowance money. Once he stays home, I expect I’ll just up the contribution to the joint account (since we may need to rejigger the budget anyways pending baby arrival) and between that and his day-trading profits should be sufficient. I pay all the bills generally – I had a system that worked for me and I’m the one that’s more anxious about money and savings, so I kept on doing it.

    • Dulcinea

      We do it by percent of monthly budget..we figured out reasonable budget for household expenses, going out to dinner together, groceries, etc. the higher earning person contributes 60% of the monthly budget and lower earning person contributes 40%. Note the higher earning person earns more that twice what the lower warning person does so 60/40 was kind of arbitrary but seemed reasonable to us based on the fact that higher earning person paid the down payment on our house abd other factors.

    • Anon

      We had variations of what you’re talking about but once we had kids it all went into one pot and stayed that way.

      My husband does the bills and sometimes has comments about my spending but it’s nothing we can’t afford and I remind him that I work really hard for the money (which he knows) and he needs to back off. I don’t judge his spending at all.

      It’s a tough lesson we learn over and over but I feel like this is marriage – nothing is hidden, nothing is yours vs mine, and we can discuss everything.

    • Clarissa

      My husband and I met doing the exact same job and so we make generally the same amount of money (he may get a few extra hundred), so we basically do your number 1 style with each putting in the same amount. Over time we’ve upped it by 500 or so at time. The rest is ours to do with as we see fit (though I pester him until he contributes enough to his retirement accounts to match my inputs).

      I am preparing to quit my job soon and go back to school for two years, though I will have some weekend and summer work. Somehow I convinced him he should take over the whole input to the joint account for the next two years, so we keep “the family” at the same level though our personal expenses will be significantly trimmer. Ideally, when I go back to work I’ll be at a comparable salary again and keep the same amount, but if it is significantly different, higher or lower, we’ll probably reevaluate and move to total being the same but proportions different.

    • Kim

      We do #2, particularly because with #1, income increases go to the allowance. #2 hedges against lifestyle creep. You would think you’d remember to revise your numbers upon each income increase, but life gets away from you sometimes, like when you have children, or aging parents, a health crises, etc. etc. etc. And overall, it helps contribute to the “we’re in this together” outlook on life, which is what a marriage is about. And hooray for him owning the house! That is a HUGE burden lifted!

    • Anonymous

      4- all of your money is “our money” and you each spend on things like manis and golf in accordance with your financial priorities.

      You talk to a lawyer about the house

      Obviously you can’t do 1 or 3 he is unemployed.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      You do you of course, keep in mind that you don’t have to do anything so formalized. For my husband and me, something so structured would be unnecessarily complex and honestly annoying. We left our accounts as they were, except we just added each other to our individual accounts. So yes we have two joint checking accounts, and two joint investment accounts. We didn’t see the need for a joint credit card. I pay our rent, cars, utilities, insurance, child care, etc. from my income/checking, and he aggressively pays down student loans with his income/checking. This will obviously get adjusted as the student loan situation changes. We each pay our credit cards, which are used for incidentals, buying clothes/food/etc., and business expenses. I have no desire to look at his spending, and he has no desire to look at mine, although we each have the passwords to all of the accounts so we could if we wanted. Whatever each of us has left over at the end of the month we divert to our respective investment accounts (I save more than him due to the student loan paydown). We both contribute to 401ks.

    • Lawyer in-house

      We have our own checking accounts and then a joint checking account. We each contribute half our monthly joint expenses and then I contribute extra money each month to pay down our mortgage (I make considerably more money). We also each have separate investment accounts and whoever’s account it is gets to make the investment decisions (although we do discuss our balances and asset allocation so we have a sense of the overall mix).

      Our mortgage and most of our joint expenses are paid out of the joint checking account. I handle all of our grocery costs (which I am particular about) and he handles all of our car-related bills (which he is particular about). This works well because we both like to have a lot of control over our cash flow (I like knowing that I can order $1000 worth of stuff from Nordstrom and then return it a month later and the cash flow wonkiness isn’t problematic). Also because we make enough money and have similar enough spending habits that neither of us is worried about paying more than the other from time to time. If our finances were tighter, we’d have to have a more structured system.

      I know a lot of people like having joint accounts, but we both like having the control over our accounts and this has worked well for us for several years now.

  8. Please don't flame me...

    I found out this weekend that I am pregnant. We are fairly young and had been TTC for 2 years now without any luck so this was a real surprise. We had scheduled to go to a fertility clinic this summer (new one opening in our area). I know this is bizarre but after finding out all I could think about is that our baby will have a January birthday. This is ludicrous, I know!! I literally spent the weekend feeling sad/upset rather than excited. I have no idea why my mind is fixated on the birthday. I mean, I know logically that I should be over the moon excited that we are finally going to be able to go on this journey, but emotionally I can’t help but obsess over the baby’s birthday. Anyone else TTC for a while and had a strange reaction when finding out they were actually pregnant? And can someone please talk me off a ledge and tell me a January birthday is just like any other birthday month? Please don’t flame me. I know this is a bizarre reaction and I should be happy about being pregnant.

    • Anonymous

      I was born in late December and everything was fine?? I get this is an exciting/stressful/hormonal time but I’m not sure what you want to hear.

      • Anonymous for this

        I have to say, I’m racking my brain trying to figure out what’s worse about a Jan birthday than any other month and I’m coming up with nothing. I could maybe understand a teeny tiny bit if you were bummed about a Christmas birthday. Having said that, I have a birthday very close to Christmas (Dec 23) and I loved it and never “suffered” in the least. I do hear of people who have birthdays anytime in December who complain about “being close to Christmas” and I want to tell them to get a grip, you don’t get to claim “birthday near Christmas” unless you’re right on top of it.

        • Cali CPA

          I’ve been wondering this too! I have a January birthday, and I don’t understand where this concern is coming from. The only thing I can come up with from reading the comments is that it’s in winter and so it’s a pain to celebrate? I grew up in LA, and my birthday parties were usually outside and in decent weather, so this was never a concern. My sister has a summer birthday so she never got to celebrate at school and her friends were often away for her birthday parties, so growing up she was the one unhappy about her birthday (and I doubt gives it a second thought now).

    • Sassyfras

      My husband has a January birthday and is a mostly normal, well-adjusted human! That being said, be gentle with yourself at this time. Finding out that you’re pregnant (and for that matter pregnancy, the birth of your child, and parenting in general) can bring up a whole bunch of unexpected emotions. It’s all normal and all okay <3

    • January Birthday

      I needed help to get pregnant and still had mixed feelings when I actually wound up pregnant. It’s a big deal and very normal to have a whole bucket of feelings.

      I also have a January birthday and it’s never been bad. Nothing is really going on that time of year and it’s kind of blah after the holidays, which means everyone looks forward to whatever fun thing I had planned for a party! As a kid, I did ice skating, gymnastics and (indoor) swimming parties, and then pretty early wanted to do sleepover parties. Everyone was always in town so I had great attendance and the parties weren’t hard to schedule. If you live somewhere warm, you can still do outside stuff, and if you’re somewhere with snow, how fun would it be to go tubing?!

      Also, with a newborn, you can be stuck inside a lot anyway, so this means by the time the weather is nice, you’ll have a baby who will be happy rolling around or sitting on a blanket in your yard or the park!

      Long story short, normal feelings and no real issue. Wishing you a great pregnancy!

    • C

      January birthdays are fun! After the chaos of the holidays, it will feel great to have a special occasion to focus just on your child. Everyone kind of gets the January blues, so just think how wonderful it will be to have something to exciting to celebrate in January instead of a month of post-holiday letdown.

    • anon

      I was born in early Feb, and I thought it was great. Any presents I didn’t get for Christmas I could re-request a month later.

      • anon

        And I forgot to mention– don’t worry about fixating on something “irrational”. Last fall I was going through a crisis in my extended family and I became Obsessed (at a level that was truly irrational) with getting leggings to match all my daughter’s sweater dresses. My mind just needed something relatively benign to dwell on during a stressful time.

      • RR

        My twins have a very early February birthday, and it’s fine. We pretty much switch off the holidays by January 1, so after that January is just a normal month. No outdoor BBQs, but we’ve had lots of great parties either at our house or at another kid-centric location.

    • Anonymous

      When dealing with an unexpected pregnancy (even when you’ve been TTC), it’s normal that your mind fixates/freaks out about one particular thing.

      January birthdays are great! No matter when you’re school cut off is, kids with January birthdays are almost always in the older half of the class. I had a May birthday and didn’t realize how much difference 6 months makes until I had kids with October and November birthdays. It’s hard for them sometimes being younger than their friends.

      Congrats!

      • Anon

        +1

        I have two kids, one born in Jan, the other in Feb, and I think these birthdays set them up nicely for school. In my state, the Kindergarten cutoff is age five by Sept 1. My kids will be right in the middle of the class, age-wise, which I think is nice. I was always the youngest in my class growing up, and by middle school that started to be hard – I felt like I was behind the other girls in social development/interests.

        Your feelings are normal, and I bet you’ll find that they are eventually eclipsed by the complex and momentous journey into parenthood. Congrats to you!

    • Anonymous

      Congratulations! My daughter has a January birthday and is a happy, well-adjusted, successful child who is an absolute delight nearly all of the time. She loves snow, and we joke that it’s because it was snowing outside the night she was born. Unless you live in one of the very few states with a November or December school cutoff, your kid will be near the middle of the class age-wise–not the oldest, not the youngest. The only drawback I see to a January birthday is that you have to have the kid’s birthday party indoors, but the upside is that you have a good excuse to throw the party at a fun indoor party venue that is not your house.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      What’s wrong with January?

      Pluses:
      If its near MLK day – they might get a 3 day weekend for their birthday!
      People don’t tend to be on vacation so the kid will actually have kids around to attend their birthday and celebrate with them (unlike summer parties)
      As someone who has a winter birthday – either we celebrated it inside (like most kids birthdays) or took advantage and went sledding or ice skating. I one year decided to post pone my party until May so I could have a picnic. So thats always a choice!
      My mom is a New Year’s Day baby and the tradition has always been that people come to an open house at our place on January 1st and have fondue and nurse their hung over-ed self on cheese and bread and wish her a happy birthday It works out really well.

      Stephen Hawking, Elvis Presley, Muhamad Ali, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, David Bowie, Orlando Bloom, Eijah Wood, Edgar Allan Poe, Mozart, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah Winfrey, , Betty White, Dolly Parton etc are all January birthdays and I think they all did just fine!

    • Looking for some wardrobe advice

      Congratulations! I could have written the same post when I got pregnant with my daughter. On one hand I was so excited – on the other, I obsessed about the January birthday in the first few weeks (and probably throughout the pregnancy.)

      I think pregnancy causes us to worry about one thing after another – some very important things, some less important. I have a November birthday, and was fine, and still worried about a January one. (I also had some other weird things that got stuck in my mind at different points of pregnancy – I think it’s all about the adjustment/transition and the realization that this huge life change is on its way. I’d say it would be less normal if your mind didn’t worry a little bit. It all turns out ok.)

      My daughter is two and a half (almost), and a January birthday is just fine. I will say that it was tough to get out of the house in the middle of winter, so I wish I thought about it a little more before hand – it would have been a good thing for me to even just take her to the mall to walk laps, and get out of our house. I loved the age she was for her first summer, and second, and I also loved that we got through flu season that first year on my maternity leave and not in daycare. I also like that she’ll be one of the older kids in school.

      • Anonymous

        Ha — she won’t be one of the oldest. There are so many red shirted kids now that my October birthday girl is about the middle of the pack (50% of the boys and many of the girls are older than her, and we have a 8/31 school cutoff).

        I also had a summer baby that I sent to school on time. She is by far the baby of her grade but holds her own. Typical second child in that sense.

        But her birthdays are a challenge — she has no class to invite and it’s hard to track down friends in the summer. And her half-birthday is over Christmas break, so that’s no good, either. And if we wait too long, we have to defer the birthday for July 4th travel / scheduling. Not the end of the world though. Just annoying.

      • Anonymous

        Cut-off dates vary by region. In our region you have to have to be 5 by Aug. 1 to enter kindergarten so kids with January birthdays are in the middle of the pack age-wise.

    • anon

      I’ve never been pregnant nor attempted to become pregnant, so take this with a grain of salt. But, I am a fairly emotional person who is fascinated by my brain’s ability to focus on/stress out over objectively minor things. So I’m going to psychoanalyze you rather than do my work. I’ll resolve one major issue, and after a day of relief, immediately my brain finds something new to zoom in on. Usually, I’m applying the same anxieties to different situations. My hunch is that you’ve been wanting this and so focused on timing- subconsciously and consciously- for so long, that your brain has gone here. You’ve been thinking about how long you’ve been trying, when your due date would be if you got pregnant at any given time, when your period is due, etc. You have a host of emotions to deal with-this is wonderful! But also a huge life change! and that energy is getting redirected here.

      One of my best friends has a January birthday. She’s wonderful. It’s often close to MLK day which means long weekend birthday trips!!

    • Anonymous

      Congrats! And welcome to the strange land of pregnancy, where (if you’re like me), you will find little things to obsess and worry about for the next 9 months!

      As a mom with kids born in November and January (and another scheduled to arrive in December), this is no biggie. I might have preferred birthdays in the more temperate months, but there are pros and cons of everything, and I would never have wanted to wait any longer to meet my little ones.

    • Anonymous

      If you just found out this week, baby should have a late Jan/early Feb due date, right? And first babies are frequently one to two weeks late, so I’d expect you’d probably have a February baby. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about any birthday after the first week of January. I can understand why a Jan 2 birthday would be disappointing, because it would get swept up in Christmas/NYE celebrations, but January 15 seems no different than any other birthday to me. Fwiw, I have a summer birthday and it was always a bummer that I didn’t get to celebrate in school like all my classmates. I think there are pros and cons to any birth date.

    • January

      I feel qualified to answer this question. ;)

      In spite of my user name, my birthday is actually in early February – 45 days after Christmas, and less than a week before Valentine’s Day. I think winter birthdays can be nice – you’re still in resolution mode, and it breaks up the post-holiday doldrums a bit. School was always in session, so I got to celebrate with cupcakes when I was a kid. And I liked snow, and for a while it snowed pretty consistently on my birthday, so I thought of that as my birthday present.

      • January

        Oh, and my mom said that having the first trimester (as opposed to the last) in the summer was nice.

        • Anonymous

          I was due on Labor Day one summer and +a million to your mom’s wisdom. If I ever have another kid, I will try to time the pregnancy so that I am no more than 5 months pregnant through summer.

          I also have an early January birthday kid and she’s normal so far. And my birthday is early February, and I had great birthdays as a kid. Ice skating, sledding, the occasional snow day…

    • HBDtome

      I have a January birthday and love it. My birthday falls around MLK day so I have a three day weekend. Plus, January can be dark and cold and it’s nice to have an excuse to have a party. As parents, you’ll miss the 2017 tax deduction but will get one in 2036 so it evens out in the end. Congratulations!!!

    • Cookbooks

      I’m a January baby! I always loved my birthday as a kid because it fell about a month after Christmas, so whatever presents I didn’t get during the holidays, I usually got for my birthday. Plus, snow!

      January birthdays are no different other than going outside requires a few more layers, and a birthday is a nice way to start the new year.

    • AIMS

      A lot of people actually try for January birthdays! Your kid will be the oldest in his/her class and therefore, the theory goes, will be a better student/athlete/whatever. It’s fine!
      I had a kid in December and I can admit that I would have preferred a summer maternity leave but it really wasn’t an issue hibernating at home with a teeny baby.

      Congrats!

    • Anonymous

      Fwiw, we are TTC and were (are?) really hoping for a January/February birthday. Hubs is a teacher and has summer off so between my mat leave and summer, baby wouldn’t have to start daycare until ~6 months old.

    • CHJ

      +1 to everyone saying that your mind is probably picking this one thing to fixate on, because finding out you are pregnant is a huge, life-changing event, and it’s hard for your mind to process all of it at once. I did the same thing when I had a (very, very) surprise pregnancy this past winter. My son is due in August, and I spent several days being all bummed out about an August birthday (in that case, school wouldn’t be in session so he’d never get to celebrate his birthday at school). It’s not rational, but it’s something harmless that your mind/emotions can play with while you’re processing everything. And I’m a December birthday, so I should know that August is much better!

    • Anon

      I’m a January baby and I love my birthday. As long as you as parents make sure the gifts don’t get combined into “this is your Christmas AND birthday present!” and that the day is distinct from other holidays, everything will be fine.

      There’s something about the winter that feels festive to me, so my mid-January birthday is just another celebration to prolong the holidays.

    • Rainbow Hair

      My lovely, perfect, flawless (terrible-two-year-old) daughter was born in January. I have no complaints about her birthday! Being pregnant is never fun, but at least I was running hot in the winter? I went into the hospital on a Friday night, and there was a blizzard while I was in labor/right after she was born. My early memories of her have that bright sunlight that comes after snow. Pretty much the worst thing about having a kid in the middle of a blizzard was that I sent my husband out for sushi mid-blizzard and he came back empty handed because all the restaurants were closed. :-( But it’s a good silly story to tell about her birth! She’s had two birthdays now: no complaints on that front either. It’s toward the end of January (which I gather yours will be too) so Christmas feels long gone.

      Pregnancy is weird and stressful, but I don’t think this is a thing to stress about. You and your January kid will do great.

    • Yello

      My husband has a January birthday and loves it. As a kid it was nice to have his birthday after all the holiday craziness died down (something to look forward to after Christmas is over but you’re still staring down 3 months of dreary weather) and as adults we use it as an excuse to book a warm weekend vacation that doesn’t coincide with school vacation!

    • Anonymous

      Anxiety comes out in tricky ways! Congratulations. I’m sure pretty soon you’ll realize the Jan birthday does not matter at all.

    • Anon Mom

      Dont worry about the January birthday!
      FWIW, TTC/Getting pregnant early is hard and the fear of everything changing/having to grow up may be driving the anxiety.
      Be kind to yourself young momma-to-be

    • anon

      Just to add – I was due January 11. Baby was four weeks early, and so he was a December, pre-Christmas baby. That was a shock to me! So…you never know.

    • Birthday

      January is fine! If you were worried about 12/25, sure, that’s a little bit of a bummer. By if you’re due in Jan you’ll likely have the baby on a day other than New Years and other than that, who cares? (And I know several Christmas Eve/day/New Years eve/day babies- they are fine!!!)

      There are upsides and downsides to most months.
      Summer birthdays = everyone’s away for your birthday, you’re the youngest in your class
      Fall= Halloween steals your bday weekend, you are the oldest in your class, school cutoff date issues, lousy birth stones

      Winter= conflict with the dec holidays /holiday parties for birthdays, no pool parties

      Spring- can’t think of a downside immediately but there must be one. Everyone is on spring break and can’t come to your birthday? People are birthday parties out when yours rolls around?

    • Annony Moose

      Coming late to this, but wanted to say that my eldest sibling was born on January 1. I still associate New Year’s more with birthday cake than New Year’s Eve celebrations. Other than that, the only problem my mother ever mentioned was that sometimes the stores were sold out of all the cool stuff for his birthday, and my parents had to learn to do the birthday shopping for my two siblings born in January (the other one was born January 21 ten years later) during December, along with the Christmas shopping.

      I also have siblings born on Halloween and April Fool’s Day. The only one who minds is the April 1 baby, because his friends continue to pull awful birthday pranks on him. (I was never allowed to.)

  9. Best light reads?

    I’ve got a couple of long plane flights coming up this summer and I need some easy reads for when I’m tired/bored. Open to any recommendations but page-turners and “chick lit” preferred! TIA.

    • KateMiddletown

      I read Caraval in about 4 hours total on Saturday. I was really proud of myself until I realized it’s a YA book. A fun read nonetheless!

    • Anon

      Someone suggested Station Eleven the other day and I just finished it. Awesome book and a very quick read.

    • Anonymous

      Big Little Lies

      Granted, I just started reading, but I enjoy it a lot even though I’ve already finished the show.

    • Cat

      Not at ALL chick lit, but I just read Dead Wake while on vacation and devoured it. It’s the story of the Lusitania told from many different and well-researched perspectives (passengers, crew, German U-boat commanders) and surprisingly addictive. I’m not a big history or war buff AT ALL but loved it. (By Erik Larson, same author as Devil in the White City, if you’ve read that one.)

    • Thisperson1

      A Man Called Ove. Highly recommend. And if you want a good cry (because who doesn’t want to sob on a plane?), And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer.

    • Anonymous

      Anything by Julie James – contemporary romance with highly competent heroines. Light, fun, and for the most part, based in Chicago.

      • KateMiddletown

        +1. Kevin Kwan just released #3 in the series and I’m dying to get it @ the library once available.

    • Canadian_MBA

      Lena Dunham – Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She’s Learned. So, so, so much fun. She’s my contemporary so I especially enjoy her take on millennial culture! I laughed so hard I cried.

  10. Anonymous

    I’ve been casually seeing a guy for a couple of weeks. Before this weekend we’d only had LGPs twice. The last time we did, he asked if he could not use a garden glove. I said absolutely not, never gonna happen, so he used one without further complaint.

    Over the weekend he came over again. I handed him the garden glove and he again asked not to. I said no he has to use it. We continued making out and he tried to insert his garden hose. I said what are you doing you need the garden glove. He said ok and put it on. In the middle of the LGP, he tells me he doesn’t have it on. I yelled at him, he said he sorry but it’s nbd because he just got tested and he didn’t finish but he’d make sure I did, and he had a conversation with my garden. He then proceeded to tell me a lot of really personal things, including his struggle with depression.

    Idk what I’m looking for, advice? Commiseration? I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends about this; I’m embarrassed I let this happen. The guy is texting me wanting to meet up again. Obviously I’m not going to. I want him to understand how wrong this was but it doesn’t seem like he’s getting it. I texted him that not using he garden glove was a huge violation and he seemed to just shrug it off. Is there more I can do here?

    • anon

      What a douche. Terrible terrible terrible. No excuse.

      Just one last text – never contact me again. Or just block him everywhere and don’t reply.

      Red flags red flags red flags….

    • anon

      Proposed legislation has been introduced in a couple of states to make stealthing a crime. This is a big deal and you are right to be furious.

    • C

      Send him an article about how non-consensual removal of a garden glove could constitute s*xual assault, this block the @$$hole

    • Wildkitten

      He raped you and then trie to make you feel bad because he struggles with depression? NOPE. NOT OKAY DUDE. I’m not sure what all your choices are here – definitely get tested, and get tested again in six months, and never see this guy again, but I am so sorry that this happened to you and that this guy is a terrible person with no respect for women/people/boundaries/safety.

      • Anonymous

        This is not r*pe. What this dude did is terrible and deceitful and OP should block him/certainly never garden with him again, but calling it r*pe is demeaning to real r*pe victims.

        • Wildkitten

          I’m not interested in having a debate about who is a “real” rape victim. Thanks.

          • anon

            Wildkitten: This is not, legally speaking, r*pe. This might be, however, legally s*xual assault. Sorry you’re not “interested” in using words with precision.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          I disagree. It is a type or r*pe. Sexual activity that she did not consent to. Send him the article previously mentioned. Let him know that what he did is wrong and to never contact you again!! I’m horrified by men who do this!!

        • Anonymous

          It was non-consensual sexu*l activity. OP may not be interested in pressing charges, but it’s a violation that definitely falls into the bucket. Getting into who is a *real* victim seems like dicey territory.

        • Anonymous

          No. No it is not demeaning. Don’t fall into the trap of debating whose sexual assault is worse. Calling ‘stealthing’ anything other than sexual assault is playing right into the hands of the men who think it’s okay because they can do whatever they want once the woman has her clothes off. They are the same guys who have an ‘oops’ – sorry I didn’t mean to do a. pen. when you said no to that and yes to v. pen. She consented to one thing, he did something different. She did not consent to what he did.

    • Monday

      No, there isn’t– other than blocking all forms of contact with him. You made your needs very clear, more than once, and he doesn’t care. He’s an unsafe person. I’m sorry.

      By the way, you did not “let this happen”– he deceived you and penetrated without your consent. Your feelings are your feelings, but they’re not fair to yourself.

    • SW

      Ditto – Block him. At least one state (Wisconsin, I think) has introduced legislation that would define nonconsensual removal of a gardening glove as assault.

    • Anonymous

      He did it intentionally and likely planned it in advance. It’s called ‘stealthing’ by guys that don’t want to admit they are okay with sexual assault. It IS sexual assault. You consented to a specific act -sex with a condom. And he did something else. No different that if you had consented to v. pen. with a condom and he did a. pen. with a condom.

      I would block him without hesitation.

      You did nothing wrong. You did everything right. He is a scumbag.

    • Anonymous​

      Isn’t this what people call “stealthing”? And some states are considering making it a crime? It’s a huge violation of trust and a total deal breaker IMO. I would absolutely block him and never, ever see or talk to him again. What a DOOSH.

    • Anomnibus

      How the heck is his struggle with depression relevant here? I try to have compassion for people who struggle with illness, because I do and I know others who do as well, but I have little patience for people who use their illnesses as an excuse to act like selfish, inconsiderate cheese brains.

      • anon

        Exactly. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, but you know what I’ve never done? Forced myself on someone. Because I’m not a freaking perv.

        I’m sorry he did that to you and sorry he tried to convince you that it was okay. It was not.

      • Anonymous

        A guy assaulted me. I filed for a protection order. He came back weeks after the event and said “Oh, I couldn’t see her struggling, I’m blind.” Not a f-ing excuse, a disability doesn’t excuse being a decent f-ing human, and also if you’re blind, PLEASE F-ING TELL ME SO I CAN SAY “STOP” LOUDER THAN I ALREADY DID.

    • Anon

      No no no no no this guy is bad news. What a spoiled man-child. This is a whole mess of problems you don’t need.

      Men are like buses. If you don’t take this one, there’ll be another one in a few minutes.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I think I’ve said it before when this analogy gets made, but some men deserve to be hit BY busses. This one included.

    • Rainbow Hair

      I have been in a similar situation of really really wanting the guy to *see that what he did was bad.* It’s a losing battle. I want him to fall into a volcano or something? But that’s not going to happen. So I do therapy and work on myself and snip him out of my life.

      I’m sorry this happened to you. He’s a dirtbag scummy person and I’m sorry you ever encountered him. Gross.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      DTMFA, JSFAMO, GTFO, etc. What a complete a**hole. I am so sorry you dealt with him- and it was s*xual assault, he engaged in activity you didn’t consent to. Consent to PIV w a glove does not equal consent to PIV w/o a glove. Period, end of story. Consent to A does not equal consent to B, and if a guy does B, it’s assault.

  11. Ambition and Dating

    There was a really old post from the archives about women making less money than their partners (or at least had a less ambitious career/path). Recently I was talking to my friends about this and some of them said that not being with an ambitious person was a dealbreaker. As they shared their own feelings, I realized I never deeply thought about this and frankly didnt really care what the guy is doing as long as he can support himself and respectful of me (and my career) so each his/her own and I dont hold any judgement. But I wondered if my thoughts might change as I get further in my career (currently entry/mid-level late 20s). Curious what you ladies think about this (or dont)?

    • batty

      I think your conflating salary and ambition. I mean, the most ambitious social worker or passionate teacher will never make big law money. I’m married to someone who makes less than I do but is very passionate about his work and has a lot of hobbies. I’ve met people who seem to have no interests and would find them challenging partners.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to not conflating ambition and salary. There are plenty of prestigious jobs that require an enormous amount of work to achieve (like university professor) that don’t pay super well. I care about ambition, I don’t care about salary at all, so long as he can support himself and is not asking me to fund his lifestyle.

      • OP

        Yes, I actually meant to write salary and perceived prestige of one’s job – definitely not ambition. Thanks for correcting me!

      • ponte python's flying circus

        Agreed. Husband is a grad student in a field that involves a great deal of research, creative problem-solving and hard work but will never pay, say, lawyer-type salaries; he’s likely to go into academia. I’ve always out-earned him by about 50-100% and thus contribute 75-90% of household expenses, but I know that we are equally ambitious and I’m tremendously proud of him. I’m perfectly fine with this salary discrepancy, but I would be decidedly less fine with an ambition discrepancy. And ‘ambition’ may not just be about career; it can be parenting, interests and hobbies, etc.

    • anon

      It’s definitely a dealbreaker for me if a guy isn’t sufficiently ambitious. There are many ways to be ambitious that aren’t necessarily in the traditionally elite fields, but I put almost all of my energy into reaching certain goals, and I want my partner to do the same. DH is this way too, and it’s an awesome thing to share with someone. I like to think of us as like Frank and Claire Underwood with less murder and other questionable activities. But this is the dynamic that I want in my relationship. I don’t think there’s a right way to go about this, and most of my friends don’t share my orientation on this.

    • Cornellian

      I didn’t think I cared, but now that I’m married in a household where I pay 85% of the expenses, I care. There is definite resentment on both sides, and it’s something we constantly struggle with. I feel taken advantage of and like we have way too many eggs in my basket. He feels emasculated and that I’m being greedy.

      I think I was right that I didn’t want a sugar daddy, but I should have realized I wasn’t comfortable with this setup, as well. I think for me the line is whether they can comfortably support themselves (and any kids, pets, etc) at the lifestyle level you’re comfortable with.

      • Triangle Pose

        Yes, thank you for sharing. I’m okay with the fact that I care about salary and prestige – it’s more the value system. If my SO were ambitiour but in an industry in which I’m always going to make 200% of his salary and bear the lion’s share of the expenses, nope, not okay with me.

          • Triangle Pose

            Eh, I’m okay with it – I want a certain lifestyle, I am willing to work hard to earn the $$$ to fund it and I want an equal partner in that. I think a lot of people are dishonest about this aspect of life.

      • Cornellian

        As a follow up, having a kid has exacerbated this stressor.

        Obviously in part because kids cost lots of money, but also because I feel like I’m carrying all the burden physically of having/raising a kid, and then also all the financial burden. I feel like I gave over my body to our “family” for pregnancy, and then dealt with injuries from labor (not that he wasn’t sympathetic, but, well, it was MY pelvis), and now spend 2 hours a day dealing with pumping and another 2 hours nursing him, and I am trying to rework my wardrobe for post-baby body, and on top of that I have to earn all the money to avoid losing our apartment. I think I realistically would have been much happier if I had insisted on no more than a 60/40 split in our income. It feels pretty backwards to admit that, but… hopefully someone else reads this and thinks about it.

        • Anonymous

          Fwiw, my husband makes more than I do, but I could have written almost all of this post. Pregnancy and nursing mean that a disproportionate amount of family work falls to the woman. The man can be sympathetic, help with stuff like cooking and pet care, but when you’re working full time, recovering from labor, pumping and nursing, you’re basically working 24/7 no matter how much he helps out. It’s awful. Things got a LOT better once I weaned and husband could start doing something approximating 50% of the childcare. I have faith things will get better for you too. And don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to have another kid for this reason. I love my daughter tremendously but I don’t have any desire to go through another 2-3 years where a disproportionate amount of the family stuff falls to me.

        • Cornellian

          Thanks, 1:17 anonymous. It definitely made me think more about a second kid.

      • Anonymous

        I married somebody who was already well established in a high profile career. He supported my aspirations in theory but did not understand that I needed a lot of me time to achieve them. We had a good marriage but never solved this aspect of it.

    • Anonymous

      I have always liked guys that were reasonably ambitious, I guess because their priorities were similar to mine. But since having kids, my husband has opted for a slower rising career (that he enjoys and is successful in — but he is sometimes disappointed to see some of his b-school classmates advancing faster than him), and I must say I am glad he made the trade-off.

    • Anon

      To clarify, do your friends define “ambition” as making a lot of money? Because they are two separate things. Someone can be incredibly ambitious and not make a lot of money. My husband is way more ambitious than I am and hustles way harder than I do, but I’m still making $20k/year more than him. This is because I had much greater access to education than he did rather than my having more ambition. I came from an upper middle class family that could afford to pay for private college and professional school and his family was borderline poor. He worked really hard and got a job that requires a college degree, despite the fact that he doesn’t have one. He will probably eventually make more money than me because his job has more earning potential, but we have been together for 7 years now and it is a nonissue. So yes, it is important to me that my partner contribute to our family and have a good work ethic, but no I don’t need a guy to arbitrarily make more money than I do.

    • Anonymous

      I always wanted a guy that had a stable job and ambition to make enough money to live comfortable (as middle class/upper middle class – no starving artists or waiters who are wannabe actors). DH has a Phd and a solid government job. I wouldn’t want him to be any more ambitious because we are at a level where he couldn’t ramp up his career without me ramping down mine. Two careers and kids isn’t an easy balance. If one partner is very ambitious, it can be a challenge for the other partner to be able to fulfill their ambitions as well if they are also quite ambitious.

    • Anon

      I always thought I would be married to someone equally as driven/ambitious. My husband is ambitious about money, but not work for the sake of work if that makes sense – he cares more about the paycheck than getting any real enjoyment out of the labor. Whereas I appreciate the paycheck but also derive value from doing good work (in the objective sense – I’m a corporate M&A lawyer). My husband has recently decided that he will give up his job to stay home with our daughter. My feeling is that that is good for our family, and his more laissez-faire approach is helpful with my high-stress job. I think if there were two of us at the same stress/hours level, a lot more would get lost in the cracks and we would fight a lot more. I don’t think I could stay home with our kid(s) without losing my mind, so I am incredibly grateful he has made that choice. I think it is very difficult to stay in my job long-term without a full-time stay at home spouse or a full-time nanny (or two).

      • Saguaro

        This is exactly my thoughts and situation. Hubs quit job to stay home with daughters, and did it for 12 years. Having him stay home relieved so much stress and pressure on me, and allowed me to do what I needed to do work-wise (travel, work late, etc).

    • Marshmallow

      My husband is not an ambitious guy, at least not career-wise. He’s pretty happy going to work, contributing to a project and feeling useful, but clocking out at 6:00. He likes to feel productive and like he’s accomplishing something as part of a team but he has no desire to be the boss or be an entrepreneur. I make multiples of his salary and likely always will.

      But he is very intellectually curious and a really interesting person. He’s always reading some nonfiction book about the Romans or Lincoln or the history of the parks in our state. He enjoys active hobbies like camping and hiking and weird artisanal food-making. He loves live music and theater and frequently emails me about shows we should see this month. It’s more important to me that he’s an intellectually stimulating and fun person to be around than that he aspires to be an executive at his company. (Yes, I recognize this is a privileged situation because I have the freedom to not care what my partner earns.)

      This works for us, and it works well. I like that he’s generally home to keep up with stuff around the house, start dinner, do errands, and often prods us to go out and do interesting things on weekends. I have zero feelings about his/my/our money. There’s no resentment there and I hope there never is– we knew going into our relationship that we just have very different work interests, which correlate with different salaries, and that’s fine.

      • Anon

        +1 (from Anon at 10:35). The intellectually stimulating part is huge! Also, once we were married, it was very much about our money, not his/hers. Just part of the becoming one unit for us – and probably not limited to just money (although there is still some stuff/terribly pots and pans from his bachelor days that I definitely still complain about as “his crap”).

    • Carrots

      So this was actually an issue for me in my last relationship. I didn’t care how much money my ex was making, but he would complain about his job; make comments about the fact that, as I was preparing to start my masters, I would have two degrees and he wouldn’t have any; and make comments about other things that he couldn’t do because of his job. I was fine with his job, but it was the fact that he wasn’t moving towards fixing any of it.
      Current BF is very different in that way – when we started dating, he had a different job, but was volunteering in the field he wanted to be in and recently transitioned into a paying job in that field. I still don’t care how much he’s making (it’s social services, so probably not much), but he’s working in the field he wants to be in and has the ambition to move on and continue serving that specific population.

    • tribble

      I think I cared about ambition more when I was in my 20s than I do now in my mid-30s. Your 20s is a time to get on the right track. It’s really hard to assess whether a potential partner is going to be a responsible adult based on what he’s doing rightthissecond. Ambition is pretty much all you have to go on. When you’re older, though, you have more data. If you’re in your 30s and still not really on a track or the track you’re on is busted, that’s a problem.

      • Cornellian

        That’s a good insight. If you’re 25, ambition (and maybe their education level, although that’s obviously in large part a reflection on their parents’ class) is all you have to go on to predict how they’ll behave.

    • Anon

      I agree with Cornellian’s above comment that “I think for me the line is whether they can comfortably support themselves (and any kids, pets, etc) at the lifestyle level you’re comfortable with.” I’ve realized that it doesn’t bother me to make a lot more than my SO as long as I’m not significantly subsidizing their lifestyle. I’ve dated people in the past where that was the case and it was frustrating.

      It is important to me to be with someone ambitious, but it doesn’t mean that they have to make more money than me. Right now, I make twice what my husband makes, but we are comfortable living at the lifestyle level of his salary and the rest of my salary functions as “extra.” He is incredibly ambitious and wicked smart, and this also means that he supports my ambition as well. My ex-husband, on the other hand, was less ambitious and did not understand why I needed to take a job that involved longer hours for a huge pay raise, etc.

    • Late Commenter

      Ugh. Saying you want a relationship “with a more ambitious guy” is like saying you want a stereotypical relationship from 1958. Yuk.

      You get what you pay for if you (1) date/marry a man who will never take paternity and never think a wife contributes “much” financially or to the world through her job, and (2) plan on having a standard of living that you yourself are not willing to get with your own two hands.

  12. Dating Finance

    I recently started dating a guy who makes a lot more money than I do and because of our respective industries, this will likely always be the case. He doesn’t talk about money very much, but everyone in our circle of friends knows that he does very well. He’s very generous but not so much that it seems like he’s showing off or anything. In the past I’ve mostly dated guys who were in similar financial situations as I was, so I advocated for splitting nearly everything, with the exception of gifts or a special occasion dinner. If I let this guy, he would happily always pay for everything for both of us, but that makes me a bit uncomfortable. However, I’m in a financial transition (changing jobs) and I don’t have enough disposable income to always be able to split costs. We’re not particularly extravagant with our dates, but things like a $30 ticket to an event plus $20 for drinks would be a hit to my budget and barely a blip in his. Suggestions for how to handle this gracefully? I like the guy and he’s super sweet about everything, I just don’t want to feel like the relationship is unbalanced.

    • Anonymous

      There have been several threads about this before and the advice is basically to take on half the emotional labor even if you can’t spend much money. So he takes you to a nice dinner, you have him over to your place and cook him dinner (most guys love this, fwiw), he takes you to a fancy event, you plan a fun bowling date, etc etc. Just because he has more money doesn’t mean you have to sit back and let him treat you to fancy date after fancy date, but you also shouldn’t spend beyond your means.

    • Wildkitten

      I’d let the guy pay for everything, but you do whatever you need to to feel good about what you’re doing. If it’s important to you to split the check, you should look for cheaper things to do for dates so you can keep having fun and not feel bad.

    • Meg March

      I’d switch off on “planning” dates and whoever planned the date pays. So if he wants to go to $30 event and gets $20 drinks after, he pays. Then the next weekend, you plan picnic in the park and pay for the $15 of bread and cheese and fruit from the farmers market and toss around a frisbee. Then alternate.

      Of course, this depends more on having “dates” rather than grabbing dinner after work, but it helps you feel like you’re contributing more to dates.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I’m in a very similar position. My BF makes a lot more than me and quite frankly, I’m struggling right now. If he picks an expensive restaurant I will let him pay but if we go to brunch or get drinks after dinner I will pay. I think he recognizes and appreciates that. If he doesn’t have a problem with paying then it’s ok. On the other hand, I get annoyed when men expect me to pay. It means they don’t understand women still make less money and have more expenses.

    • Anonymous

      Just let him pay and enjoy it. You don’t owe somebody anything because they want to treat you – dating is not a business transaction. I mean yeah, don’t suggest extravagant things over and over and expect him to pay, but suggest things that you’re comfortable covering financially and let him pick whatever he wants.

    • Anondc

      While I understand where youre coming from, youre definitely borrowing tomorrows troubles. If he happily offers to pay and you dont have the money right now then let him pay! If he starts treating you like you owe him something for him just being a decent partner then thats when you should start worrying about things getting uneven. So imo just make sure youre focused on your career/not relying on his kindness to pay your expenses and he isnt being a douche about paying for dates.

    • Veronica Mars

      My BF makes about 50% more than me, and has different financial goals (I’m saving aggressively for a down payment, so I’ve reduced my take home by 25% to save for it–which means he effectively has double or triple spending money per month). What we do– for our dates I say “you plan what’s in your budget, I’ll plan what’s in my budget.” So I end up picking cheaper restaurants, cooking in, or grabbing the check if we do something inexpensive (I’ll buy his coffee before church, for example). I’ll also be clear what is/isn’t in my budget and I sometimes ask him to pick up the check if something ends up being more expensive than I expected. I also try to check in and see if he wants me to pay more, but he’s pretty traditional and doesn’t seem to care.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in this situation. I am going back to school and money is tight. We have always switched off who pays for things but, since I have no money coming in now, he tends to get/take 2 turns paying for every one of mine, especially if we go to a pricey restaurant or out with his friends. He just does it and I am thankful for it.

      We go on nice vacations together and I would normally pay for my half. But he likes to splurge on fancy rooms and not-coach plane tickets for long flights. He covers those and I cover cheaper parts of the trip like coach seats on short trips and budget hotel accommodations on the nights when those are available (or when we find ourselves in rural areas where there are no spendy hotel options).

      I have a hard time accepting this sometimes and sometimes feel bad that, even when I made lots of money, I wouldn’t have enough to do these things. But we talk about it and he knows I’m not taking advantage of him or expecting him to do these things. I tell myself it’s temporary (but it’s more likely to be permanent as I’ll be entering a lower-paid profession).

      I’ve been just telling myself to enjoy it and be thankful that we are in a position where this is one of our “problems”. It truly is a good problem to have.

    • Anonymous

      I started dating a guy four months ago and he pays for almost everything. At first I thought it was pretty weird, but he insisted that he wanted to, so I decided to just let him. The bill came once while he was in the bathroom so I just paid it and wondered if that was his way of telling me I should pay sometimes, but not wanting to say it, but then the next time we went out to eat and he was going to the restroom when the bill might potentially come, he left me cash. So now I just leave the check for him. I also let him get the door for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that this was how he was raised and I should just appreciate it, and I’ve also realized from him talking about his past relationships that he usually dates women that don’t make a lot of money.

      Just to be clear, I do pay for some things. Usually ubers, small drinks, food in my house for him, if I book a place that I want to go to and you have to pay when you book it. He’s actually offered to pay me back for some of these things, but I always decline. I have a good job and can pay for myself, but sometimes it is nice to have someone take care of you.

      Also I would like to add, he has never expected anything from me for this, and I wouldn’t consider our relationship unbalanced. Nothing is ever going to be 50/50.

  13. Anonymous

    Does anyone have suggestions for skinny or slim pants with a trouser front for a business casual office? I found some a couple of years ago from Ann Taylor; I don’t know what they were called, and they seem to have more of the trouser/straight fit now.

    • AIMS

      LOFT has some. I’m not a huge fan of the fabric they have for summer but you may not mind it? The fall/winter fabric tends to be better.

    • Anon

      Express this season has the “barely boot” in the editor/columnist. I picked up a few pairs last season or the season before that were editor skinny – looks like they’ve moved a little bit away from that, but they might be closer to what you are looking for. Machine washable and wait for a sale – the stitching isn’t great and I frequently have to retack hems. but for the price and washability I am OK with that.

    • C

      Wild rice chicken salad- it’s quick and my favorite lunch to bring to work! You just make a box of Uncle Ben’s rice (I know, bring on the processed food police), let it cool, and add shredded chicken, halved red grapes, and cashews.

        • C

          Not typically. I just use the seasoning from the box of wild rice and it’s surprisingly not too dry. I guess you could add a dressing if you wanted (it would probably be good with tzatziki too) but I’ve always really liked it with just the four base ingredients. Sometimes I’ll throw a scoop of it on top of a salad to add some more veggies, or switch the chicken out for tofu or chickpeas.

    • CountC

      I made two batch meals on Sunday, but they are not super inventive/creative . . .

      – Portobello mushroom tacos with homemade guacamole
      – Slow cooked zucchini from a Splendid Table recipe over Israeli couscous (which took far longer than the recipe said it would)

        • CountC

          If you want something easy and quick, I toss it warm with pesto and artichokes and top with Parmesan cheese. Sometimes I also throw chickpeas in there, baked or raw.

          You can also roast carrots and other root vegetables with honey and cinnamon and toss with the couscous plain for something on the sweet side. I would throw golden raisins and almond slivers in this one too.

          I am vegetarian, but you can easily add grilled chicken to any of the above!

        • Minnie Beebe

          I sautee it in olive oil, with chopped garlic and a handful of pine nuts until it all *just* starts to brown. Then I add water (and keep adding small amounts as needed, like with risotto) until the couscous is cooked enough. Add salt, pepper, a good amount of chopped parsley. Parmesan on top would be a nice touch.

        • Calico

          It’s so good in a Greek salad. Add kalamata olives, cucumber, tomato, basil and feta.

    • Anonny

      I love cooking posts! Cooking has been a great way for me to destress lately. Here goes:

      Lentil Dahl (I’m adding in frozen cauliflower to this since im cleaning out my fridge) and a side of potatoes and steamed kale
      https://food52.com/recipes/25419-a-simple-homey-coconut-y-red-lentil-dal

      Tofu and veggie stir fry with rice noodles with a side salad (quick lunch for the week)

      salmon with anchovy butter (favorite NYT recipe) and a couscous, tomato, and bell pepper salad
      https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1017329-salmon-with-anchovy-garlic-butter

    • Anonymous

      Grilling thinly sliced sweet potatoes, zucchini, and onions and putting them in corn tortillas. Adding on black beans, Trader Joe’s roasted tomatillo mango salsa, Trader Joe’s Mexican-style roasted corn, some avocado, cilantro — delicious.

    • ponte python's flying circus

      It’s in the 50s here, so:
      Cream of celery soup
      Shrimp and asparagus pasta
      Beef stew
      Japanese curry with one of those boxed roux things, plus chicken and veggies
      Kid has a swim lesson one evening, so something portable (sandwiches, probably)

    • Anonymous

      Sunday was chicken pot pie, yesterday was quesadillas, since I have leftovers from all of that I probably won’t cook tonight. I live alone and cooking is such a chore for me. I really only cook so I’ll have leftovers for work lunches.

      • Anondc

        OMG I loveee Minimalist Baker – I’ve been meaning to try her vegan mac and cheese! I’ll look into this recipe too for sure

        • Green Hat

          Me too! This one was super easy, esp because I make a big pot of lentils in my rice cooker on Sundays.

    • inhouse

      This group turned me on to Cooksmarts (life-changing). The Paleo menu this week includes: jerk steaks with pineapple salsa (had last night; really good); a deconstructed stuffed cabbage soup; sweet and spicy tilapia; and sausage with orzo.

    • Anon

      Last night I had a red curry and cleaned out the veg drawer.

      Start rice (I had basmati) and simmer 20 minutes.

      Meanwhile,

      Sauté a chopped onion. Add meat (I had ground turkey. Add minced garlic and ginger (because I had ginger. Could easily have skipped)

      While doing this cut or chop whatever veggies you’re adding. I added a small amount of celery, sliced carrots, cubed red pepper and cubed green pepper.

      When veg are starting to get soft add a can of coconut milk and a couple of teaspoons of red curry paste (these are pantry staples for me.) simmer until the consistency you like. Add salt to taste (any time I cook, I am adding a small amount of salt at every step)

      I finished it with some lemon juice and some freeze dried basil.

      It was done before the rice was done. My kids scarfed it down.

  15. Investment property

    Happy Tuesday ladies! Question about investment properties. We’re thinking of buying a new house – we weren’t actively looking, but with two kids now we’re definitely tight on space. A great house is coming on the market in our neighborhood with two additional bedrooms, about a mile down the road from us. We’d like to buy and move into the new house and keep our existing home as a rental. We have enough saved for a 20% down payment plus a cushion to cover both mortgages for 9 months. That seems long enough to get moved, fix up our existing home, and get it rented, at which point the rent would cover the first mortgage. We live in NoVA with a strong rental market and stable house prices. So we are able to make it work financially with a reasonable cushion. But it seems like no one does this – what are we missing? The cons I can think of:
    – If we have a few months between renters we’d have to cover both mortgages.
    – If one of us loses our job we’d be very tight, but I’m a tenured govt employee so my job is stable (DH is a consultant so he’s less so). And hopefully by that point we’d have the first house rented.
    – Since we would own two houses in the same neighborhood our real estate investment risk would be un-diversified.
    What am I missing? Are we crazy to even be thinking about this? Any advice from someone who’s done this?

    • Anonymous

      This is a personal preference, but I think owning a rental would be a pain. I just wouldn’t want to deal with repairs, the worry about finding tenants, the worry about bad tenants, etc. You can hire a company to deal with some or all of this, but that’s extra money. If it were me, I’d invest the money in another area, unless you like the idea of a project like this.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any experience with investment properties, but the two houses in the same neighborhood bit would make me very nervous. What if a factory goes up right near by or the school district lines are redrawn and property values plummet? It seems risky to have so much tied up in two properties that are essentially identical.

    • Anonymous

      What is the downside of selling and putting everything you’ve paid down on current house against the new house? That would significantly reduce your mortgage costs over the life of your mortgage because the interest would be accruing on a much smaller principal. Have a hard look at the number and whether rental will be profitable enough to deal with the extra stress if you have bad tenants or need expensive repairs to either house.

      • Cornellian

        I’d probably put everything you’ve paid down in to investments, because mortgage rates are still so low.

        I agree with the comments above about putting all of your eggs in one basket. Landlording is a LOT of work, and you’d have to really be making a lot of money in rent in order for it to be worth it once you calculate in taxes, vacancy, repairs, etc.

        I will post a link, but google the 50% rule and the 2% rule for real estate.

    • Anonymous

      Most likely, nobody else does it because it’s hard enough to buy one house in that area, let alone two.

    • SC

      I don’t think you’re crazy at all. DH and I own a triplex, and we live in one apartment and rent the other two. It can be a lot of work, but it’s been a very good thing for us financially.

      We’ve thought about moving to a bigger house and renting out all three units of our triplex. Even if we could afford the mortgage on a larger house, this move would be hard for us because (1) banks look at debt to income ratios and don’t take into account potential rental income of units that haven’t been rented (at least this was the case when we bought the triplex), and we still have a large mortgage on the triplex, (2) saving for another down payment is difficult on top of the regular home expenses — but you’ve done that (3) even after the down payment, we’d need enough cash on hand to pay for emergency repairs, maintenance, and big stuff like new roofs at 2 properties, not just one.

      Also, look at rents in your area and compare them to all the expenses (short and long term) of owning the property. In our area, rents are pretty high, but as long as we’re paying the mortgage, we won’t have any cash leftover after expenses and may even need to put more cash in sometimes. Once the mortgage is paid, there would be extra income, and of course we’d have equity. But I’m not convinced yet that it wouldn’t be better to just put the (hypothetical) money in the stock market and let it grow.

    • Anon

      Check out the Mr. Money Mustache forums (real estate subforum). There are lots of good posts on how to handle rental properties and how to estimate the true costs and gains.

      • Anon

        +1 just because you’re able to float it financially doesn’t mean it’s a good investment. If you aren’t comfortable assessing this yourself talking to a reputable financial planner (fee only) or cpa. The people on mr money mustache are just as savvy as professionals though and are eager to give good advice if you post all the specifics.

    • anon

      Would you manage the rental property or hire a company to do it? My parents did exactly what you did and so many entire weekends in my childhood were spent doing chores on the first (rental) house around the weekends that ownership flipped – my brother and I were vacuuming, painting, etc from a very young, and because you had to do maintenance largely between tenants those days were very long and involved a lot of ice cream bribes. There was also a lot of yardwork that we did there year round in addition to our own house.
      Also, because the renters were often college or young post-college grads, there were a number of times that my brother and I were left home alone from a very young age for several hours when only one parents was home and got called back to the house for fun things like condoms clogging the toilet, the town police trying to break up parties, etc. In the long run it worked out fine for us, but it may not suit every family.

    • Delta Dawn

      I do this, and it has been great. Most of my concern was the work of managing the rental property, but we hired a property management company who handles everything for 10% of the rent each month. We still pay for any repairs, but we don’t have to arrange/organize/deal with it. The renters communicate with the property management company and not with us, which also removes a lot of work. I would not continue this arrangement without the property management company, but with them, it has worked out great for us.

    • Clarissa

      Consider tax implications. If you need to sell the rental at any point it will be subject to capital gains, but you can also buy a new investment property with a 1039 exchange. You’ll be able to depreciate the value of the rental property (minus the land) and deduct from your income tax, etc. Check out biggerpockets.com if you’d like to see an entire community on investing in RE. You can find a lot of advice and people to network with to find quality management, tax professionals, contractors, etc.

    • Anon

      I’ve owned rental properties when my previous job transferred me and we had to rent out our houses. (Nice houses in nice neighborhoods.) It is such a horrific undertaking I don’t have words to describe it.

      The worst experience was one family that had a special needs teen who ATE the faux wood blinds; swung from the ceiling fan; painted the carpet with tempura paint; and tackled the upstairs toilet, cracking the pipe in the floor, leading to a leak and buckled hardwood floors on the first floor below. That was $7k worth of damage. The property management company said it was “normal wear and tear.” There was also the well educated, professional woman who left the house smelling so strongly of cat pee we had to replace the carpets and repaint the whole house and air it out for weeks. Of course, along the way there’ve been roof leaks, hot water heaters going out, microwaves quitting…it’s a constant cycle. We never made a dime on our properties and lost tens of thousands of dollars over the years. Horrific experience.

        • Anon

          There was none. (Or there was just enough to pay the realtor when we sold.) Static markets over the mid-2000s to mid-2010s decade.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Same. One house we rented out when we had to move for work. Two near evictions (they left right before the sheriff arrived) and over $10k in damage to the place. It was “our” house, the house we bought when we got married, and we cried over the emotional toll the damage took. There is still a way to do it as a money making enterprise but I wouldn’t do it the way you are proposing.

    • anon

      I have done this, also in NoVa. So far it’s worked out well. You need to be brutally honest about what your rental competition is — what condition it’s in and how long your property might need to be marketed to get a renter. It will go much more quickly if you are close to transit and/or allow pets. (We allow dogs with a fee, it would hurt us if we didn’t because all the competition does.)

      We used a management company to handle the screening of tenants and any repairs. They take 8% of the rent but it’s worth it to not have to worry about emergencies (and to know that if a tenant had to be pursued in court, they would handle that).

      Also, remember that your first property’s mortgage will count against you when you apply for a mortgage on the second one, unless you already have a signed lease.

    • Anonymous

      I live in Arlington and have considered this on and off but haven’t pulled the trigger. Be super honest with yourself re the fact that there are a TON of rental properties in the area. Sure the population is huge, so things get rented — but it isn’t as easy as people act bc a lot of rental properties (even SFHs) are owned by developers with huge real estate portfolios with risk spread out all over the region, so they have no problem slashing rental rates if a home isn’t renting quick (and they don’t advertise when they’re doing it – they advertise rent as $x, so you price your similar house at $x and then it turns out that the developer is offering all kinds of concessions that you can’t afford bc you need to make the mortgage – so theirs get rented more easily).

      The population is huge but think about whether it’ll continue to grow exponentially or not. I’m thinking not — there’s a hiring freeze and while you may not care if you’re renting to gov’t folks, gov’t hiring freezes sometimes lead to less private sector employment in the area too as the companies providing services to the gov’t hire more cautiously.

      Finally, where is this house? I would think HARD about buying one of those 110 yr old houses in Arlington for a rental. While they all look cute bc they’re renovated, they all have expensive issues re electrical/plumbing etc. bc they are so old.

    • Anonymous

      Put it in the S&P. Year over year growth in Arlington (Bethesda; DMV in general) is not as huge as people act — you can make more with equity investments.

      • anon

        +1000000. Nothing beats the S&P. People just don’t get this, or refuse to believe it.

    • Anonymous

      The emotional side. You didn’t buy your first house as an investment property. If you want to invest in real estate take it seriously. Choose a property that makes sense. Assume you’ll need to hire a manager. Expect people to not treat it well.

      People don’t do this not just because most people can’t afford it but because it isn’t how a serious invester would go about this.

    • Anon

      I haven’t personally done it but I have a friend who kept his first house, a smallish 3/2, and rented it out when he bought a larger house because his family grew out of the first one.

      He has had some rental management issues that would drive me crazy, but he has handled them in stride, and the property has appreciated nicely. It will be paid off soon (he had a 15 year mortgage) and the way he looks at it, someone else is buying his house for him.

      His rent covers the mortgage, property taxes and insurance, plus a maintenance fund.

  16. CountC Calling Cyclist 'r e t t e s

    Cyclist ‘r e t t e s . . .

    I bought a new-to-me road bike on Friday for tooling around town and for cross-training purposes. I was a little surprised with how much I rode it this weekend! I rode it both for transportation and for exercise. I only took my car out twice.

    First, I clearly need bike shorts for at least the exercise bit, as riding in anything with seams was highly uncomfortable. What are your favorite bike shorts?!

    Second, I am also interested in replacing the saddle. Right now it has a “vintage” men’s Selle Italia Atomic. Based on my sit bone measurements, I should be in a 155 – 160 mm width, but I find myself riding in what is an aggressive (?) position with my hands down on the drop bars. The interwebs tell me that getting a slightly narrower seat than my measurements could be better for this type of riding position. I do plan to go to the local cycling shop to see if they do any trials with saddles as I would like to try before I buy. Understanding that everyone likes something different and are different shapes/sizes, what are some of your favorite saddles? I would like to stay under $80 if possible.

    Thanks in advance!

    • Cycling Gear

      I have and like both Pearl Izumi (not sure of model) and Specialized (the RX comp bib) shorts. The Specialized has a slightly lower-profile pad, which can be nice, and also offers two inseam lengths, which I appreciate.

      Saddle-wise, I’m not sure of the width, but I have a Terry Falcon that I really like. I’d strongly recommend going somewhere with a trial program or a good return policy; you want to be able to keep trying until you get one you really like.

    • Anon

      http://www.cobbcycling.com/ is a really good site for women’s fit issues.
      I personally like Pearl Izumi tri shorts (Just a little bit of padding is perfect for me). Everybody is different, though, so what’s good for me may not work at all for you.
      Some folks also need chamois cream to ride comfortably, especially longer distances. Aquaphor or similar ointments can work, and there are plenty of cycling-specific ones out there, too.

    • TorontoNewbie

      Some bike shops have fancy things that you sit on which take your measurements and then suggest the best saddle – that could be a good option.

      For bike shorts – I like Sugoi, Pearl Izumi, and the Giant house brand. I like more padding than tri shorts but I think that’s a personal preference. My suggestions are to get female-specific shorts as well as the saddle. Also, no underwear when you wear them :)

    • Anonymous

      I have Pearl Izumi shorts AND skirts (with the shorts built in underneath) and like both. I also use some of that cream stuff because I tend to get chafing right where my leg connects to the rest of my body – so I apply it to the chamois edges and that seems to really help.

    • Senior Attorney

      For the saddle, Terry Butterfly. They have it on Amazon. It was a total game-changer for me!

    • CountC

      Thank you everyone!! Will be Googling shorts tonight and will call the local bike shop to see if they do trials on saddles. Interestingly, I have some of the same problems with my horse saddles and needed one with a very wide pommel (front) to be comfortable, but that is a totally different position. My body hates saddles apparently!

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Favorite shorts are Capo and Louis Garneau.

      For saddles, be wary of the women’s specific saddle is you don’t have much in the way with hips. My build is probably more in line with the average man than the average woman anyways. I suffered with a women’s saddle for almost 6 months, and it finally dawned on me that even though the sit bone measurements were right, the saddle was too wide in other places and caused me problems-there was too much stuff sticking out in the inner thigh area (ouch). I switched to a men’s saddle (Fizik) and couldn’t be happier with it.

      • Lobbyist

        I like terry shorts (for women). I used to get Pearl Izumi but these are more comfy on my legs.
        I have a women’s saddle with a hole in the middle. Highly recommned, especially if you will have longer rides.

  17. How to Address?

    If a posting says that your application for a position should be addressed to Person X but emailed to Person Y, do you include a little email cover letter to Person Y? Person X? Neither?
    My cover letter is addressed to Person X. But wondering if I should write a quick email along the lines of: “Dear Person Y: enclosed please find…”

  18. Advice for redhead going gray

    I need help figuring out what to do with my graying hair. I’m a natural redhead and have always been happy with my hair color, so I’ve never had it colored or highlighted. For a few years I’ve been plucking out grays here and there but there’s now a critical mass of gray that needs to be addressed with some kind of color.

    I know I need to find a good stylist who can help, but I want to go into it with some idea of my options and what would look good. From what I’ve read on the internet, it’s very hard to color red hair because it’s the hardest shade for achieving a natural look. I want to stay as close as possible to my natural color because I love it. Do I want highlights? Or something else?

    Please advise.

    • Cornellian

      I’m auburn/strawberry-ish and would recommend taking a look at henna. I know henna purists hate it, but I think lush’s caca rouge product is great. If you go to their website, there are literally hundreds of reviews with pictures. They also make different color hennas if your hair is darker.

      My mother was a proper redhead and I have a VERY strong memory of her exiting the bathroom with orange brillo pad-colored hair from an at-home attempt at coloring her hair. I have never dyed my hair (beyond playing with henna 5 or 6 years ago) because of that memory, haha.

    • NYNY

      Look for a colorist who specializes in reds. Red is hard to get a natural look, and tends to fade faster than other colors, so you’ll want someone with experience. Then go in for a free consult before you make an appointment. Tip the stylist for the consult ($10-20), and tell her your desires and concerns, including how frequently you’re willing to come in for touch ups, how often you wash your hair, and how much you’re willing to spend.

  19. Sunscreen + whiteheads?

    Just got back from an awesome 4 day weekend at the beach. The one downside is the bevy of small whiteheads all over my cheeks and nose, apparently caused by the Supergoop sunscreen I used. (Only part of my routine that changed.)

    What’s a better facial sunscreen choice for someone prone to bad hormonal-breakouts on my cheeks?

    • Anon

      I love the Elta MD sunscreen. My skin is very sensitive and prone to breakouts and it’s what my dermatologist recommended.

      • Maddie Ross

        +1. Love the Elta MD. I wear it daily. It is absolutely invisible under makeup and a high enough SPF to work for outdoor activities. And I am blemish prone and it has made no difference at all.

    • Anon

      I love the Cerave Sunscreen Stick for my face. Barring that, I use Neutrogena pure and free baby on the rest of my body/face. And if it’s just a light day in the park (vs. being on the beach), I just add extra of moisturizer (Neutrogena senstive skin healthy defense with purescreen SPF 50) and call it a day.

    • Anonymous

      I use natural physical sunblock (not chemical sunblock) on my face, it doesn’t make me break out.

    • Anomnibus

      Neutrogena makes a sunscreen specifically for breakout-prone faces. I’ve been using it for years and love it!

      • Anonymous​

        Was going to recommend the Neutrogena Clear Skin (I think that’s it?) sunscreen. I had a hard time finding something that didn’t cause breakouts, but that stuff works and never gives me problems.

    • Anon

      I am acne prone with sensitive skin and I find most chemical sunscreens cause issues. I use physical sunscreen.

      The best formulation I have found is R+F from the Soothe line, but I am also willing to rely on my Dior Nudeskin BB cream and a hat. I can use various brands on my chest and neck without irritation – neutrogena baby will do in a pinch.

      I don’t intentionally tan though, not sure whether that’s what you meant.

  20. Hardshell suitcase recommendations?

    I’m looking to buy a hardshell carry-on suitcase. What do people like? I see some with exterior compartments for laptops, but there seem to be mixed reviews over whether those are actually useful or not. Any thoughts?

    • Anon

      I have the Delsey Aero and I love it. Lots of space and I do use the laptop compartment in the front. I find it useful because my laptop is heavy. I’ve also used it for files and other items that I don’t want to get creased.

      • Marshmallow

        +1 Delsey. I forget exactly which kind, but it is a very lightweight hardshell with a laptop compartment in the front. I use the laptop compartment– it makes it easier to pull it out for security. One feature I think is key (and wouldn’t have known to look for) is that two wheels are placed right under the handle frame, and the other two wheels are placed toward the other edge under the laptop compartment. So, if you expand the suitcase or put something heavy in the laptop compartment, the wheels expand along with it and your suitcase will never be unbalanced and fall over.

        • Hardshell suitcase recommendations?

          I never would’ve thought of that, but after you’ve described it, it makes perfect sense. Thanks!

        • AnonAM

          +1 I think this is the one I have (on recommendation from comments here), it’s the Delsey Helium shadow International Carryon

    • Cb

      I bought one from Brookstone in a bag emergency about 9 years ago and it’s still going strong – spinny wheels, lightweight. I wish it had a small pocket for boarding pass and passport though.

    • Anonymous

      I like my Victorinox. I would always keep my laptop in a separate case. What will happen when you need to gate check your suitcase with your laptop in it?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I have the Samsonite Omni PC Hardside spinner, and I really like the textured exterior since it hides scratches. I like that it’s lightweight and priced reasonably. I love the look of hardside luggage, but the shiny finish ones (which seems to be most of them) look scuffed up so quickly. I’ve checked it a few times (so it’s likely been tossed around by baggage handlers) and it looks good as new.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Although I might recommend against hard luggage for your carry-on, since getting bags into the overhead bins always feels like a game of Tetris…

        • Hardshell suitcase recommendations?

          Hmm, that’s definitely something I’m worried about. I don’t have hard luggage currently and even still, it’s a bit of a struggle getting my bag in sometimes – figuring out for this particular plane whether the wheels go in first or not, etc. It seems to vary. Is it that much more of a struggle with hard luggage?

          • BB

            This depends on what size you buy. I have an “international carry on” size one, which is smaller than the “American” carry on (go figure). It is smaller than my “American” sized soft sided case and fits easily into every overhead bin.

            I have a Briggs & Riley, which is amazing and also lifetime warrantied. I know the price point is not for everyone, but it was a buy-it-once kind of thing for me. I liked the switch to hardsided and not having to worry about things getting crushed.

    • Anon

      Tumi Tegra Lite. As the name says it’s very light, and seems practically indestructible. I do occasionally use the front pocket for my laptop, usually on the homebound leg.

  21. Wildkitten

    Resume question: I had a job where I did a thousand little tasks every day, and occasionally they came together to accomplish something big, but mostly I put out small fires before they became big fires, and made sure other people were adequately informed so that all the trains ran on time. I’ve been told my resume should be “achieved x as measured by y, by doing z” but I feel like when I list things that are quantifiable I am only getting the big rocks and not the 10,000 things I did every day. Also the big rocks are all one subject matter, and the little things are all another subject matter, and I’d rather focus on the little things subject matter going forward. Thoughts?

    • Wildkitten

      I worked in an institution famously known and purposely designed to accomplish very little.

    • Veronica Mars

      Can you frame it in such a way that your daily tasks maintained the business running smoothly? I.e. something like, “Created and distributed a daily brief for key stakeholders that reduced the amount of (problem) by X percent (estimate)” or “Reduced incidences of PROBLEM by creating a daily brief, filing key documents, and auditing contractor hours.” Or “Reduced PROBLEMS by creating and maintaining a filing system, saving the company $X/per problem avoided.”

    • Clementine

      ‘logistics management’ or ‘coordination’ would be the words I would use here.

      ‘Coordinated marketing tasks for x office with $y in transactions and z office with 43 staff serving 300 clients.’

    • CHS

      I don’t know what the job was, but it sounds chief of staff-y to me. Can you take a spin through some resumes and see if language pops out at you to describe the myriad projects/initiatives/people you pushed forward?

  22. BB

    Might be too late, but giving it a try…does anyone have recommendations for a slip-like undergarment that has short sleeves (or a tank top-like top)? I’m basically looking for a slip-tunic.

    I like the Commando slip I have, but it has bra straps that slip off sometimes. A lot of my dresses have sleeves, so a short sleeved slip would work well. I love my Uniqlo airism tee, but need something that goes below my waist so it doesn’t ride up when I’m wearing a dress.

    • anon

      Have you looked at a full length slip? I’ve got one from either maidenform or vanity fair that has wide straps. Department stores or even outlets should have something

    • Wehaf

      Vermont Country Store has slips with tank-top straps, instead of skinny bra straps.

  23. Anonymous

    Any advice about TTC with a husband who travels a lot? DH is usually gone for work about 4-8 days per month and so far they’ve been frustratingly lined up with my fertile period. This will be our sixth cycle “trying” but I’m not sure it really counts as six months because I think we’ve had LGPs in my ovulation window maybe two or three times max. I’m starting to feel like the only way I’m going to get pregnant is with a turkey baster…
    (Going with him is unfortunately not an option since I have a 9-5 job with limited vacation time.)

    • Wildkitten

      Would it be possible for him to say he has to have a medical procedure done that is scheduled for certain dates and so can’t go out of town at those specific times? That seems like it might work, at least once or twice in the year, if his travel is at all flexible or if someone else could take the trip for him.

    • Anonymous

      I tried tracking for a couple cycles but I found tracking super stressful and I had a lot of anxiety about knowing the right days and stressed about DH’s travel schedule and flight delays. I decided that so much anxiety wasn’t good for my fertility so I stopped tracking beyond knowing when my period was due which I would know anyway.

      What worked for us was to garden right before he left and within 24 hours of getting back. We had a point of gardening every second day when in the same city based purely on advice from What to Expect When You’re Expecting (re: every second day, not every day).

      I ate healthily and drank moderately (not more than two glasses at a time, tried to stay under 7 glasses/week).

    • TempTravel

      When my husband was a consultant I traveled with him one cycle (when I was pretty sure things lined up) and worked remotely (and stayed in his hotel room all day) – and it worked (healthy kid now).

    • Anon

      It took 7 cycles, but we managed to successfully conceive this spring with DH on the road 80% of the time. I managed to tag along on one of his trips for work purposes around the right time of the month, but we weren’t successful that trip. Eventually, your fertile window will fall on or close to a weekend or the time he’s in town.

      I would start taking your daily temperature, so you have an idea of roughly when you ovulate each cycle, even though it can vary. I preferred tracking everything and knowing that we had a chance at hitting our window or that we were completely out for the month (though I for sure thought we were “out” the month I got pregnant – TTC can be a little crazy like that).

      An RE can also do an insemination procedure if your timing is consistently bad, though we decided to wait on this option until we’d tried for a year. Fortunately, we didn’t need it.

  24. I don't know....

    I had plans to hang out with a guy late last week, actually on my birthday. He got stuck at work (think a LEO-type job) and had to cancel, but was extremely apologetic about it, called and apologized, etc. It sounded like it was a crap day, so I texted him later that night with something along the lines of, Sounds like you had a rough day, I hope it turned around! and he responded by apologizing again, saying what we had planned sounded fun and we would reschedule. I basically told him to focus 100% on work and that I looked forward to rescheduling.

    We have known each other socially for a long time but are not close. I am in the “let’s get to know each other better” stage, but I am open to dating — I have no idea how he sees it and it seems too premature to ask. I’m also trying not to read in to it and I have no reason to believe that he thought this was something other than platonic. It was incredibly refreshing to have somebody actually call and apologize, and he was so nice about it all. Even if this is not a date-y situation, I really appreciated that. The last couple years of my life have been full of not-so-kind, not-so-mature guys and this was a reminder to raise my standards.

    I am sitting on my hands waiting to reschedule, especially since I’m on work travel next week. And I’m kind of smiling a lot and have a slightly fuzzy feeling. Which, crap, means I think I may actually like him… I am trying to avoid talking about this in our shared social circles, so just sharing here. The part where you’re crushing on somebody is the peak, right? :-)

    • Clarissa

      He seems great – potential partner or friend. Maybe find an event you know you’ll be in town for to suggest as a time to meet up. Like a strawberry festival or something daytime-y, but able to go into dinner if you both feel it :)

    • I would hold off

      This may sound like tough love but I would wait for him to contact you. You were understanding/supportive about the cancellation but the ball is now in his court. Easier said than done for sure!

      • Anonymous

        I agree and I definitely am not saying anything. It’s just against my personality, but I know it’s for the best. We see each other in passing due to a shared hobby anyway (that’s where the friend group part comes from.)

  25. Macros

    Talk to me about macros: proteins/carbs/fat. What are they and how do you track them? How have you figured out the correct ratio for your body? Do I need to be tracking my macros if I’m tracking calories and focus mostly on increasing my veggie consumption? I’ve been lifting weights and I’ve gotten advice that I need to up my protein intake, but I’m not a huge fan of meat.

    • Wildkitten

      Nobody needs to track your macros, but anyone can! It can be a PIA if you’re eating out and can’t measure all the food you are eating, so you might just want to up your protein (egg whites, protein powder) without using Macros. IIFYM is a great resource. Macros add up to calories, so you’ll still know how many calories you’re eating.

      • Macros

        I tend to associate protein powder with bodybuilding bros, but I think that’s probably wrong. Do others use it, too, even if they aren’t looking to add muscle? Are there good brands?

        • Wildkitten

          There are lots of good brands. Sweethome did a review, there are also lots of reviews online. There are different brands and different flavors. I put it in my coffee. I’m officially looking to “cut” (lose weight) not officially to “bulk” (build muscle) but unofficially I work out to do both.

        • Anon

          I use MyProtein, which people have good things to say about on the weightlifting subreddits. I’m not trying to get huge or anything, but I am trying to get stronger and I was finding it just too hard to get enough protein eating regular food and staying in the calorie range I wanted to.

        • finishing a cut

          I like optimum nutrition brand because it’s pretty straightforward, doesn’t taste horrible, doesn’t have a lot of fillers and is affordable — especially at costco!

          Protein powder is just a way to get more protein. To bulk you have to be in a calorie surplus.

        • RR

          I started seeing a nutritionist about 6 months ago, and she has me tracking macros. Ideally, she wants me to do 35-40% protein. So, I’ve entered the world of protein powder. I found it really confusing too at first, but it’s not a big deal. For protein powder, look for a small number of ingredients and things you generally understand. Just like other foods, the more ingredients, and more hard to pronounce chemicals, the worse it is. Also look for the most bang for the scoop. You do not want something that gives you 20 grams of protein for two scoops. You want something that has 30-40 grams in one scoop. More protein for less protein powder.

          I primarily use mine in smoothies. For basic vanilla or chocolate protein powder, I like Vega, which is a vegetable based one that I get at whole foods. They also make options that mix well with water–there’s a pink lemonade one, or that mix well with sauces and such (I think that one is called bone broth, and it comes in flavorless or savory flavors). Most protein powder has thickeners in it and sweet flavors, so it can be gross mixed with water or other things. So, if you want to mix with water or other things that thickeners might be gross with, look for the ones without.

          • Anonymous

            Chocolate or mocha Vega + unsweetened chocolate almond milk is my combination. It’s a great sweet snack.

    • HSAL

      I used SparkPeople for awhile, which included macro information in the food tracking, and gave a suggested range for each. I think you can also add custom categories – I also tracked fiber. It taught me that I always hit carbs, usually never protein, and fat depended on whether I’d had nuts that day. Maybe start there (or another food tracking app)? As far as what the right ratio for an individual is, I have no idea, but I’m interested to hear from others.

      • finishing a cut

        Right ratio is about 1 gram of protein per pound of lean body mass, then the rest of your calories from carbs and fat. Carbs more performance/recovery oriented, fats more for days you don’t work out.

        When you’re reducing your macros to lose weight, fat is the first thing to go. You can track your macros in a low-carb setting for sure, and I have done that, but when people talk about flexible dieting/IIFYM they are probably talking about a lower-fat diet.

        I really like the Physiqonomics blog for info on this kind of stuff: https://www.facebook.com/physiqonomics/posts/968001166616464

        • finishing a cut

          And yes this is a lot of protein, and it takes effort to hit. Extremely common to blow your macros on “fun” stuff that is easy to eat like carbs and fat and ignore the important stuff. :-) it ain’t easy…

          • Anon

            Carbs and fat aren’t unimportant . . . Protein is not the be all and end all.

          • Wildkitten

            All three are macros! It’s just easy for most people to get enough carbs and fat.

    • Alexisfaye

      I think if you want to lose weight you need fat. But I may feel that way because I think sugar is the devil, and just started keto again today. I use My Macros + Favorite feature is the barcode scanner.

      Do you like fish? Eggs? And yes, if you’re lifting you need 1 to 1.2 g of protein per pound of body weight.

      • finishing a cut

        At the end of the day it is calories in < calories out. low carb can be a way for people to achieve that without being as hungry (that's why I liked it — fat is satiating!) but I definitely had way worse recovery from my workouts in that lifestyle.

          • Anon

            Calories in < calories out is physics. There are certainly things that make the "calories out" part more complicated for a few folks, but there's really no other way to lose weight than to eat less energy than you're expending.

          • Anonymous

            +1 million to Anon at 1:15. By the laws of nature, it IS calories in vs. calories out. But calories out is complicated. Two people who have the same fitness routine might have very different numbers of calories burned.

          • Anonymous

            It absolutely IS calories in vs calories out. Stop spreading this anti-scientific bs.

      • anonon

        I have to be aware of macros for medical reasons. I like Jenny Ruhl’s nutrition calculator for low-carb. I’m not going to link so it doesn’t get stuck in moderation, but the Google result on the phlaunt site is the one I’m talking about.

    • Parfait

      I just try to hit my (modest) protein target and let the fats and carbs fall where they may.

      As long as I stay under my caloric goal, this seems to work out fine. I’ve been losing 1.5 – 2 pounds a week since I started tracking.

      If you’re a serious body builder trying to build up muscle rather than lose fat, you might have to track more closely and think about macros more. I second IIFYM as a source for figuring out your targets. MyFitnessPal for tracking everything.

    • Midwest Mama

      You can google search for a macro calculator, which can give you some general guidance. Typically .8 g of protein per body weight is sufficient, and fats should be around .35 or .4 g per body weight. The rest of your caloric needs should be made up of carbs. Once you figure out your daily calorie needs based on your age, weight, workouts, etc. it’s math. 4 calories per gram of protein and 9 calories per gram of fat. Then divide your remaining calorie needs by 4 to get your daily grams of carbs.

  26. Yello

    I need some dog advice! I have two – one is 3 yrs old and one is about 14 months. The older one is mellow and happy to run around outside or sit by your feet and spends a lot of the day snoozing. The younger one is more high maintenance in terms of exercise needs (makes sense since he’s still kinda a puppy) but has really been struggling since I had a baby.

    I’ve been on maternity leave for the past 3 months and he has become like my shadow. Follows me in and out of every room, cries when he can’t get into the room that I’m in (like if I close the bathroom door) and will just sit and whine at my feet looking for attention if I’m preoccupied feeding the baby. They get a decent amount of exercise including off-leash runs, but this poor pup seems like he’s struggling with anxiety or is becoming overly attached.

    Has anyone ever successfully worked on this? I just want him to be happy and well adjusted and be able to close the bathroom door without feeling like I’m breaking his heart!

    • Veronica Mars

      Have you been doing crate training? It might be good to get the pup on a schedule and have him enjoy a frozen kong in his crate for a couple hours. My dog trainer says it’s important to let the dog have some alone time. If you’re always around, they expect it and it gets harder for them when you separate. I also have had some good luck with my dog’s separation anxiety (which is very brief and mild) by increasing the frequency I come and go from the front door. So I’ll step out for just a few seconds, and come back immediately. Then extend the time. I do this a couple times a day and it seems to have really, really helped him. Also, biggest thing, you can’t open the door or come back when he’s whining or barking. If he’s whining or barking, by coming back, you reward the behavior. I’d either try to come and go super quick before he wines (literally open the door, step out, close it and immediately come back before he wines), or wait a few minutes until he calms down.

      • Pompom

        Agreed on all of this. I have a velcro dog right now, as I’ve been working from home for a few months. I find excuses to leave more and more so the barky panic goes away faster. It works!

    • Wildkitten

      Have you tried Dog Appeasing Pheromone? Adding a baby to the family is stressful for dogs, and DAP might help. It only works on some dogs (I don’t know why) but would definitely be worth trying to see if it helps yours.

    • Anonny

      No specific advice, but if you’re googling, this type of behavior is often called the “velcro dog”.

  27. Delegating to Summers

    First year associate here. I’ve been asked to delegate to summers twice already and I feel like I do a really poor job of explaining how to do things/why we are doing something.

    I’m generally comfortable and good at speaking, especially if I’m comfortable with the subject. But I feel tongue-tied and “confusing” when I talk to summers about something they will be working on.

    Other than practice, is there any other way to become more comfortable with delegating and being good at delegating? I work with some great sr. associates who do a great job of explaining matters I’ll be working on.

    • Anonymous

      If you feel like you’re stumbling over the explanation when speaking, could you put it in an email? I would still stop by in person to make that face-to-face connection but I think it’s totally fine to say “Hey Jane, do you have time for an assignment? I need a memo by June 15 about X issue for the Y vs. Z litigation. I’ll send you an email with all the details and some background info.” and then in the email mention that of course she can come by your office if she has any questions.

    • Anonymous

      Like anything, plan ahead. Write out what it is that you want them to do, and err on the side of over-explaining. You don’t have to share your written notes, but writing it out helps you to crystallize in your own mind what the task is and how you need it done. Also as with anything, this gets easier to do on the fly with more practices.

    • SC

      (1) Take some time (10 minutes) to prepare for the meeting with the summer associate. Look through your file. Think about the big picture. Then think about the individual task and why you’re doing it and how you would approach it.
      (2) Create a check list, or just a mental check list, of all the essential items you need to communicate — the file number, the deadline, how long you expect it to take, if/when you want them to check in with you, what you want to the work product to look like (quick email, formal memo, red line, etc.). As you know, it’s difficult when the person delegating forgets to tell you these things. But also, getting some of the “easy” information out of the way can help you get on a roll and explain the problem better.

    • Anonymous

      Do what your seniors do. “Managing” is a learned skill – and most lawyers aren’t great at it. I think first and foremost you need to explain the case big picture and then get into the specifics of the assignment. They’re prob 1-2 weeks into the job — you need to explain what to research/where; when to check in with you or when you’ll check in with them – so they have a timeline. Also let them know they can ask your questions along the way so they don’t have to spin in circles or go down a completely wrong track bc they didn’t feel like they could do anything but give you a final product.

    • Katie

      This is definitely a skill, not something that comes naturally to most people, so don’t feel too bad! I think preparation and thinking through the assignment before meeting with the summer is key, so you’re not working the issue out in your head/with your words, while talking with the summer and risk confusing them.

      When I was in your position, I would create an outline for myself before I met with the summer/junior. I was a litigator, so I’m coming from that perspective with the example:

      I would think through what background is needed (often not too detailed for summers – if they are researching a single topic about a single claim, they probably don’t need to know about the whole case), what I was asking them to do (i.e., research the law on X), what the deadline was (build in lots and lots of time – you will need to double and triple check their work), what additional details are needed (such as whether there is a contract with a choice of law provision, etc), what you think the stumbling blocks may be, and what documents you’re going to provide them/where they can find the relevant documents (complaint, motion that you’re opposing, previous memos, etc.).

      Then I’d look at what I’d outlined and think through what my questions would be if I got that assignment and either include the answers to the questions in the outline or be prepared to answer them.

      I also suggest setting up a follow up meeting in a few days or so to touch base about what the summer is finding/doing and to answer any questions that have arisen. This way you can discover early on if they are totally confused. I’d also tell them how you prefer to be approached with questions/concerns in the interim (some summers may be intimidated and not want to email you when they realize they forgot to ask an important question in the initial meeting). I’d end the meeting by reiterating the actual assignment (research the law on X).

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      I’m way more senior than you and I still find it hard sometimes. First, you need to spend 10 minutes as a PP said above to really understand what your question or task is. Especially to a summer, you can’t delegate something you don’t understand. You’ll send them off on a wild goose chase.

      With summers especially, I try to explain a little about the case (but don’t get into it too far) like: Our client does X, but they’re having an issue with Y that we’re helping with.

      Then I try to explain the context for the summer’s task: I am preparing a comprehensive memo for partner’s review that will eventually go to the client. I need to get summaries of all of the cases that talk about X so I can review and insert the relevant ones into my memo.

      For super fresh summers (this time of year), I’ll also make sure they know the right resources so something like: I think the library set you up with a Westlaw password. In this case, you should go the library first and find a textbook on X. Review that first, then you can do some keyword searches for any cases that don’t appear in the textbook.

      I then explain my expectations: “what would be helpful for me is a short memo, addressed to me, that summarizes each case you find. Each summary should be no more than 5 sentences but should include the following key info: X, Y, Z.

      Then timing: I need this for tomorrow by noon (try to avoid the “early next week” stuff summers will stress over). I think it should take you 5 hours because I don’t think there are more than 10 cases in this subject area, but it may take a bit longer. In any case, you should be able to complete by tomorrow noon. If for some reason you find there are 50 cases, please come back to talk to me as soon as possible.

      Then encourage them to come back with questions and follow-up with a short email if you felt you weren’t clear or they seemed confused.

      • Anon

        This is so thoughtful! And in the long run probably benefits you as much as it does the summers by saving time.

  28. Mom clothes

    I literally have nothing to wear to preschool dropoff.

    Seriously, though, i need child friendly casual clothes. I work from home now, and I only go out of the house to drop the kids at school, pick them up, run misc errands etc. I don’t want to get fully dressed in a nice weekend daytrip type outfit. All the other moms are either wearing athlesiure or work clothes (because they are going to work). I am not going to fool anyone in yoga pants and an athleta top.

    Right now I’ve been wearing the same pair of jeans, and rotating long sleeve t-shirts. Now that it’s spring, I swapped my Superbad for sperrys and sandals.

    Do I just need…short sleeve t shirts? Who makes nice ones?

    I laughed at myself this morning because my choice was the same green t shirt I wore over the weekend, or one of 583738385 work tops.

    Cannot be too nice or it will get food/drool/kid dander on it.

    • Anon

      This may not be what you’re looking for, or your style, but I was feeling in a major rut with my casual summer clothes recently. I swung by H&M and picked up a bunch of dresses that have really helped. They are super easy to throw on and instantly feel more put together than jeans and a tshirt.

      • Anonymous

        I would go shop at Athletica — lots of very cute clothes that don’t scream you are going to the gym.

    • Anonymous

      What’s wrong with athleisure? Is there a certain image you’re looking to project?

      • Op

        Well, just that I haven’t been to a gym in a decade. It seems a little silly to throw on yoga pants and an exercise top and sneakers and, well, go to and from my house. I guess it’s just so far from my “style”?

    • HSAL

      You’re probably overthinking this, but my favorite summer casual tshirt is the Merona vintage vneck from Target. I have four of them and I’ll probably get more.

      • Pompom

        This is the very shirt I was coming to suggest!

        Also, the Gap supersoft line of dresses and skirts can up your game visually while being comfy and casual.

    • Anon

      Well, I don’t think wearing athleisure these days means you’re headed straight to the gym. What do you wear when you work at home? I like those Merona tees from Target, too. Or Old Navy. Or H&M.

    • Anon

      Pick up some colored ankle chinos from Old Navy (green? coral? whatever suits you) and pair it with a short sleeve t-shirt (striped sailor shirts are surprisingly versatile) and sperry’s and you’re done. You look cute without trying any harder than you would otherwise.

    • Anonymous

      I would go with athleisure, a t-shirt dress, or shorts/jeans + a sort-of-loose tee in a half-tuck. Add a fatigue jacket, denim jacket (but not with jeans!), or drapey cardigan as appropriate for the weather. For shoes, Supergas, Chucks, flip-flops, cute Birkenstocks, or some other type of sandals. Add a bracelet or necklace if you want to fancy it up.

      Where I live, the SAHMs do not dress up for school dropoff. I think there is some sort of martyrdom competition going on wherein the winner is the person who looks the most harried, exhausted, and covered in kid goo.

    • anon

      T-shirt dresses. I would live in them if I could. I typically pick up a couple each summer.

    • Anon in NYC

      Why can’t you wear whatever it is that you’re wearing at home? My vote is to wear whatever you’re comfortable in. FWIW, I get my casual summer clothes – like dresses – at Target. I can’t be bothered to buy nicer clothes when I’m going to sweat in them and/or have sticky kid hands or dog fur on me.

      • Need to pick a permanent handle

        Agree. I also don’t go to the gym much (at best I trundle through a 30-minute weight routine 2xs a week…and that’s at waaaaay best) but I still live in athleleisure when I’m not at work because it’s comfortable, washable and comfortable (yes, I wrote that twice). I really like my Lululemon yoga pants because they are flattering. I also like Old Navy compression workout leggings and capris. I have yet to find anything else I like for bottoms. I wear whatever on top – my child’s free gift sports tees, Atheleta/Cooibar SPF 50 tees, I oddly like some of the Wal-Mart workout tees, and also rando stuff from Costco tee section. I don’t stand out, I’m comfortable, all can be washed…putting on jeans or other “real” clothes is too much work and I reserve the effort for going to work.

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