Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Front Dress in Linen-Cotton

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

There are a number of cute dresses at J.Crew Factory right now that are very work-appropriate, and most of them are only around $50 (often just in lucky sizes). This one has a little bit more of a flourish than the others. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: I think this light blue color is very versatile for dresses, particularly in summer, spring, and fall. The dress comes in sizes 00–20, is machine washable, and is $68.50 (valued at $98). Tie-Front Dress in Linen-Cotton

A plus-size option is at Nordstrom.

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Comments

  1. Liability Insurance? :

    From yesterday’s post, someone mentioned that every high earner should have liability insurance. Is this just related to auto insurance or is this in general? I’m in NYC, so I don’t have a car or auto insurance. What would the liability insurance be protecting me against? Thanks!

  2. Royal baby name :

    Louis? Not a fan. And it doesn’t really go with George and Charlotte. Maybe I’ll just continue to call him Royal Baby.

  3. Anonymous :

    Guys, my wedding is really coming together and I’m so excited!! I’m starting to sweat the details a bit- like coordinating bridesmaid dresses, groomsmen suits and ties, flowers, etc. Any tips?
    If it makes a difference, my dress is a very pale pink, not white (look up ‘anna maier cheri’) so I need to take that into account!

    • Senior Attorney :

      Don’t tie yourself up in knots. (Heh. See what I did there?)

      Google decision-making styles “satisficers vs maximizers” and promise yourself you’ll be a satisficer. Which means pick something you like in each category and move on!

      • Senior Attorney :

        Also: Congratulations! I love a non-white wedding gown!!

      • I saw those terms years and years ago, and have often framed decisions that way.

        My advice, from another bride-to-be: there is almost no location, bridesmaid attire, or food that can really add to how utterly spectacular my husband-to-be is. Unless the thing is held in the Sistine Chapel, I might not actually notice what is happening except that the most wonderful man I have ever met is committing his life to me.

        Planning takes that into consideration. I want it to be comfortable for our guests, many of whom are travelling, but I firmly believe that most of the wedding-industrial complex misses the point of the day.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Whenever I started to sweat details, my mother would say “Well, how about if we do it the way your older sisters did it? Did you like that?” I would say “Mama, that was like two years ago, I don’t even remember what color it was … oh. Okay, let’s do whatever.”

    • Marshmallow :

      Congratulations, and have fun planning! Late response but I love weddings and also had a non-white gown (kind of a champagne-y pink like it sounds yours is). And I did not sweat details, like at all. Just didn’t have the time. Here’s what I did:

      Bridesmaid dresses were kind of a seafoam color; I chose a designer and length, they chose any dress they liked in that color. They could wear any shoes they wanted since the dresses were long, but if you’re doing short dresses, saying “anything metallic or nude for you” would work with this color scheme. Do not dictate hair, makeup, or jewelry; it’s too stressful for you and too controlling of your friends. Groomsmen and groom wore black and white tuxedos– super classic, no matching required.

      Flowers and decor: we went with gold accents on our stationery and menus at each place setting; gold favor boxes; seafoam table overlays (but we could have done without those or gone with colored napkins instead). Flowers were a mix of light pink/cream with dusty miller in the centerpieces. They sent totally the wrong flowers in all our bouquets and there was nothing to be done about it… and nobody but me noticed at all. Don’t sweat the flowers.

      You could also go “cool” with your color scheme and use navy or lilac bridesmaid dresses and silver accents. FWIW, if your dress is pink enough that it’s really PINK and not off-white, putting your bridesmaids in white could look fabulous…

    • Have fun! Try not to sweat it. Still, a few thoughts:

      My dress was also a very very pale pink. I thought I wanted my bridesmaids in chocolate brown, but it washed out my dress completely. I went with a champagne color for their dresses instead. I picked the color/designer but they picked styles. That was more than 10 years ago however, and I think the trend now (which I rather like) is to choose a color or color family and let them get what they want. I’d encourage a lighter color that won’t make your gown look stark white next to them. Wide open dress options = happy bridesmaids = easier for you.

      Let the groomsmen wear whatever your fiancee wants them to. Flowers, I’d go pale with a pale pink dress. If you are on a budget tell your florist seasonal and local only and then get an estimate/see samples or photos.

      At the end of the day, nobody will really remember your dresses or flowers (unless the are really stupendous), but they will remember if they danced their butts off and had a great time.

  4. pugsnbourbon :

    Two recommendations for your Friday:

    I have been using Neutrogena HydroBoost SPF 50 moisturizer for the last two weeks and I really like it! It’s $10, moisturizes well and doesn’t feel sticky/oily.

    My latest Instagram find is CheapOldHouses. It’s exactly what it sounds like – pics of gorgeous (and not-so-gorgeous) houses for sale at rock-bottom prices. Great escapism.

  5. Anonymous :

    I haven’t visited here in so long, but I need some support. I returned to work this week after having my second kid and it is so so so hard leaving my kids at home. I have cried every single day this week. I did not feel this way at all with my first – I was so happy to be back at work. Now my older one is 2 and my baby is 12 weeks and I am so sad that I will be away from them for so long. I can afford to stay home but I have an awesome inhouse gig that I otherwise love with reasonable hours (9-5) and great pay. I would love to stay home for a few years but I would have to give up this unicorn job and I doubt I could find something similar. I feel like I can’t win – I will either regret staying home with the kids or regret going to work. I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, but its the only place I know of with awesome working women.

    • I read The Fifth Trimester recently and she recommends not making any big life decisions in the first months after going back to work. Everything is so, so topsy turvey right now and it will get better.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 Be gentle with yourself mama. You just brought a new human into the world 12 weeks ago. Your body and hormones still adjusting. Give it a little time before you make a final decision.

        Meanwhile, can you hire someone to help you with cooking/cleaning/ laundry so that when you are home you can focus on being with your babies?

        Last, please try to carve out some time on your lunch hour to pamper yourself. Get your nails or hair done. Read a magazine. Eat your food with two hands. If you have to be away from those babies – use your lunch time to care for yourself.

        Hugs! I think you are doing awesome!

      • KateMiddletown :

        Curious, were you pregnant or postpartum when you read this? I’m wondering if it will help to get a jump start right now (also while I still have time/brain to read a book.)

        • Anonymouse :

          I just read (still pregnant) and thought it had a few useful tips, but not amazing.

        • I was postpartum but honestly, I’ve read so much since kiddo was born (slow eater and kindle)

          • KateMiddletown :

            Kindle might be a push present to myself.

          • With my first, I read *so* much on my Kindle while feeding. Strongly recommend as a push present!

          • Anonymous :

            I’m so jealous of everyone who can read while nursing. My kid is a really distracted eater so I constantly have to poke her/massage my br*ast while she’s feeding.

    • Instead of framing it as regret either way, why not think of what an amazing life you have? Two adorable kids, a great job with great hours, and a partner (I assume).

      Not a mom, but I think these things work themselves out. You either adjust to leaving the kids at home, or it gets worse. Your job continues to be great, or changes in the company make it not the job it once was.

      I think you would also benefit from looking at child-rearing as a process that takes two decades. You aren’t home with them now, but you might be when they are older – early retirement, hanging out a shingle, whatever it is. This is a decision you’re making for a finite amount of time, not forever.

      • Anonymous :

        +1

        It won’t feel like this forever. Also, I’m a little biased, but working has so many long term positives for you and your family.

    • Anonymous :

      Things that helped me were trying to do all my adult stuff during the day (45 min lunchtime yoga class, lunch with friends – or chatted with friend on phone while we both pumped!) so that I could be 100% into the kids on my time off and not feel like I missed adult stuff. Babywearing also helped a lot. I would wear my littlest who loved the physical contact and then I had my hands free to play with my oldest. And let go of fancy meals – out local grocer who did grocery delivery also made in-store meals that we ate liek 3/7 days a week. Put it in the oven and play with kids when I got home. Focus on the quality over quantity and it doesn’t feel as hard.

      Come hang out on C-moms a bit. Lots of support over there and lots of variety of full-time/more than full time/part time etc.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Hugs to you, this sounds really hard. I agree about not making any big decisions right now. Would they let you work 4 10’s or something like that, so you’d have longer stretches at home (and save on commute time)?

    • I really like this article that takes the long view on staying in the workforce, especially during the tough little kid years – link next to avoid mod

      • https://hbr.org/2018/04/what-i-learned-about-working-parenthood-after-my-kids-grew-up?utm_campaign=hbr&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social

        • Senior Attorney :

          This is great. I feel like I could have written it!

          I made about every mistake it’s possible to make, both in parenting and in my career, and yet here I am with a great job, a great nicely-launched kid, and a great marriage. Neither the kid nor the career is the original, but life is long and full of surprises.

    • Hugs. I heard this advice here, and it really helped me when I struggled after coming back – but don’t make any big decision for six months. So much is new and crazy hormones are real, and you may find your stride. Or you may decide this isn’t working for you, but give yourself some grace and time to be sure.

    • I am right there with you – I only have one and he’s 14 months and it’s just hard atm. I have a decent job that I like not love, but it’s fairly flexible and I’m learning a lot. For the past three months or so I’ve debated/discussed becoming a SAHM. Can you talk to someone who really knows you well? Maybe even your spouse? My mom isn’t normally someone who gives sage advice but she did say that she thought I would be extremely bored as a SAHM, which is true. I try to remember that it SOUNDS nice thinking “Oh I could get more sleep, keep the house, cook more and maybe have time for yoga” but the truth, for me, is that if I really wanted to do all those things, I could AND still keep working. I just don’t want to organize/prioritize them right now. Like everyone above has said: it won’t be this way forever. Try to enjoy the sweet moments and don’t feel guilty – you are doing something great for your children: modeling how to be a working mom AND providing for their future. Hugs! Here’s to it getting better for both/all of us!

    • I felt this way after number one, and now that DD is one I will be leaving the workforce in a few months (posted about becoming a SAHM here). Everyone offered the advice to see how I felt in 6 months. Now I am more sure than ever about my decision since it isn’t fueled by hormones, but I am also sad I didn’t make the decision earlier since I missed so many moments while at work during the first year. So I’m saying that it’s great to take time to make the decision, especially since you have such a great job, but if you decide to leave the workforce that’s OK too.

    • Can you get some flexibility with your work hours? Either going 80%, or an alternate hour schedule like 8-4 or maybe something compressed over 4 days. This is what I did and it made a big difference in how I felt about going back to work.

    • I’m in a similar work situation, but my kids are 3 and 4. I still feel this way and hold back tears at drop off every morning. I need to work to support my family and I know it’s logically what’s best, but I still feel a deep sadness that we’re stuck on a gerbil wheel without much quality time.

    • I’ve posted here before, but it isn’t all or nothing. Why not explore ways to keep yourself in the working world while also being at home? Just because part-time may not be an option in your current gig doesn’t mean you can’t find something 2-10 hours/week to keep you stimulated and relevant in your field while you’re home with the kids.

      I stepped out/back when my 2nd was born. I’d been prepping since I was 6 mos pregnant with her and did consulting, that was three years ago. I just gave birth to my 3rd and it’s still working for me/us. I’ve had a few unsolicited job offers and clients I know would make a job for me if I want/need FT work-but I’m not there yet.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I felt this way for a while (anything pre-age 4 is kind of a blur for me) but now seeing how my daughter talks about my job makes me feel so proud to be working. She gets that mommy and daddy are both respected for their work, and mommy does stuff with money. Her class went over Economics 101 (grade 2) and she was super excited to bring home the information and have something grown up to talk to me about.

      Early on I remember a daycare worker telling her mommy has to go to work to make money for cookies! She had a really hard time with separation anxiety, but at pickup time she didn’t want to leave. Hang in there! (And yes, get on C-moms!)

    • I found it harder to come back to work after my second leave, too. Maternity leave with your second kid is far more enjoyable – especially if you kept your first kid in regular childcare. You already have a “mom” identity and the newborn phase is much easier the second time around, so getting back to work doesn’t bring the same feeling of relief/familiarity. Keep on trucking! It took me a few weeks to get back in the swing of things, but the feeling of sadness does pass.

    • I was you 20 years ago. I have to say that I am SO glad I stayed in my 9-5 gig and kept working even though it was hard at first. It’s easy to tell yourself that you can stay home just for a few years and you can always go back etc… My friends at the time who chose to stay home never recovered career-wise and are much more financially insecure than I am.

  6. So annoyed. Why does everything require an audience these days? My MIL is piiiiissed that she’s not welcome in the delivery room while I’m giving birth.

    I told DH that I’m the one going through the physical process and I’m not open to a conversation about it. Makes me totally uncomfortable even thinking about it.

    She’s literally brought this up like 5 times. I finally had to tell her that I’m not hosting an audience for the birth but that she’s welcome to ask DH if he wants spectators for his vasectomy.

    Is this seriously a thing? I mean I know the kardashians film everything for tv but do normal people have people beyond partner/dr in the room? The only situation where I could see even considering this is if we had warning that baby would require immediate medical attention. I’d probably want DH to go with baby right away and have my mom with me so I wasnt all alone.

    • No, it’s not a thing. You are 1000% right. Your husband is being a bit cruel (yes….) to not ask his mother to stop with this immediately.

      Try to keep cool though, as yes she will be hurt even though she is being unreasonable.

      Some people are just clueless. Or some people are selfish, don’t care, can’t empathize, or have no sense of boundaries. And these people also become mother’s in law.

      Good luck with your delivery. You’ll be a great Mom!

    • Ugh, yes, why do people want to watch someone give birth? I don’t understand this either. I was like you – very clear that no one was to even come to hospital until we told them to. We didn’t even tell anyone we had gone to the hospital for a few hours. No one said anything to my face, but I think there were some comments.

    • Ugh wow. I had only my husband for each kid. And even that…sometimes he annoyed me more than he helped. I told all interested parties I would alert them when I was going to the hospital and/or after 6am so they could their visits (they all have 1 hour+ drives). With our first, we drove to the hospital when my water broke at 2:30am. DH texted family at 6, when it was a reasonable hour and I had an epi and was somewhat calm. Baby was born at 10, visitors arrived (with my blessing) just around dinner time.

      I was induced with my second, so we called when baby was born and since it was so smooth/easy we had visitors like 2 hours later (again, my call).

    • No it’s not a thing, but it’s becoming one, since people are having a harder time separating performances on IG from reality. I do have a friend who allowed both sets of grandparents, plus some siblings and their kids, all in the room.

      But then again, I remember that 90s/00s movie Nine Months with Hugh Grant, and their wacky hospital roommates film the birth. I suppose you film it so someone else can watch the video, so maybe that aspect has always been around, it’s just much more mainstream now that videos are easier to share?

      My Mom and MIL were hurt too, but that only solidified my decision. If you can’t realize that MY feelings are the primary factors in this ordeal, you are 100% not coming. Sorry not sorry.

      • “If you can’t realize that MY feelings are the primary factors in this ordeal, you are 100% not coming. Sorry not sorry.”

        High five.

    • It’s not a thing per se. Some people view the audience as support. Like you, I am not one of those people. Your DH should shut this down for you.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        Yeah, I suspect this isn’t really about wanting to watch as such. She wants to be one of the special, close people you have there to support (and direct) you.

    • “The fact that your grandchild is coming out of my [email protected] does not entitle you to see my [email protected] That’s a private part of my body.”

    • The only non-partner I’ve heard being in the room is a younger sister, who was an experienced labor & delivery nurse, and the sisters were extremely close.

    • I can’t believe your husband hasn’t shut this down HARD already. Wtf?
      Also, why would people (aside from the father, obvs) even WANT to be in the delivery room? I don’t get any part of this.

      • Yes.

        Arguing with a pregnant woman about whether or not you get to be in the room is wrong. Like, it doesn’t matter who is right – the person arguing with the pregnant woman is wrong.

        Your husband needs to shut this down, now. “Mom, Melanie has said no. Respecting her wishes isn’t negotiable. She is carrying your grandchild, so cut the pouty face and show some respect.”

        I do not care how uncomfortable that conversation is, because your internal organs are being rearranged for this kid and the most delicate part of your body is going to be shredded. Whatever he does about establishing boundaries doesn’t even come close.

    • Only MIL I’ve ever heard of in the room was a family where the DIL did not have a relationship at all with her own mom (awful person) and actually had a very close relationship with her MIL.

      I had my DH, my mom and my doula. My mom was useful at points but she was also a bit offended that I wanted a doula too so I wish I had just DH and my doula.

    • Anonymous :

      There was a Dear Prudence letter from your MIL (or someone like her). Prudence told her she was cray cray. I’m 1000% on your team. I adore my MIL but there was no way she would be in the delivery room. I only had my husband.

      • Anonymous :

        https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/dear-prudence-my-daughter-in-law-let-me-in-the-delivery-room.html

      • That is a new level of cray!

        “I’ve tried to reason with Steven, but he seems to be afraid of angering Julia and will not help. I called Julia’s parents and asked them to please reason with their daughter, but they brusquely and rather rudely got off the phone.”

        Right, lady. It’s not you; it’s that everyone else ever is in the wrong.

        Honestly, I cannot understand people who think that it’s a good idea to pit spouses against each other… especially on such an intimate topic as a DIL’s birth canal. Lady, even if you win this one, you lose, because your DIL will hate your son so much for siding with you against her wishes regarding how much of her torn-up ladyparts you see.

    • Anonymous :

      Our hospital only permitted two extra people in the delivery room, which meant only my husband and the doula were allowed. Aren’t there similar limits on spectators at most hospitals?

      • My hospital allowed 4 people besides the mother in the delivery room, and I have several friends who have had more than 4 (one friend had her husband, two sisters, a sister-in-law, her mother, and her mother-in-law). I don’t think limits are unheard of, but there are certainly plenty of places that will let you bring a few people.

    • When I checked in at the hospital, the nurses asked who I wanted in the room, and said they would gladly eject any in-laws or anyone else I did not want.

    • OcCounsel :

      I DID have other people in the room (both of my parents through the whole thing, plus a friend for part of it – way pre-Kardashians) and even I think your MIL is way out of line.

      The question is not whether this is a thing. Some people have labors that last for a long time and really like having company. Some people are happy to share the moment with others. The question is whether this is a thing for YOU. If it is not, you are absolutely 100% entitled to have your way. This is one of those very few times you are completely entitled to selfishness (except for anything that endangers your baby obviously). This is also one of the times your husband needs to step up and take this off your plate. You are about to push out a baby – the least he can do it handle his mother.

  7. Need some perspective. If you are participating in a 5k, half marathon, triathlon, etc. do you expect your SO to come support you at the event? Conversely, would you go support them even if you weren’t particpating? Would you be sad/upset/hurt if they didn’t come support you for no specific reason?

    • I would be a little sad if they didn’t come for a local race (though not THAT sad, but I generally don’t like to be watched while “performing” in the first place), but if travel is required, no expectations at all.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes. Yes. Yes.

      Sorry if your SO is being a dingus. :(

      • No. No. No. I don’t think it’s necessary. Nice, but not necessary. Some things I prefer to do myself. My first 5K was a thing that I did *for me* and I enjoyed doing it by myself and processing my accomplishment by myself.

    • My personal opinion: for a 5k I wouldn’t make much of an effort to go; for a half marathon I would try to be there if it was local but wouldn’t travel to another city for it and wouldn’t reschedule a different commitment to be there; for a marathon, I would work hard to be there. If I was running, I would hope my SO would do the same things.

      • +1. Aren’t 5k’s basically an ‘easy’ workout for serious runners? If you’re good enough to run marathon’s, tri’s, etc. I can’t see making a big fuss over a 5k.
        For a big marathon I’d definitely want my spouse to try their best to go (plus, don’t you get a lot of advance notice with these, like signing up 6+ mos prior)? Ditto if say, you were in the Ironman or something similar. A 10k or a half….uh…I probably wouldn’t travel but if it was super duper important to my spouse and didn’t conflict with my plans I’d suck it up and go…while loading up my kindle with books to read on the sidelines.

        • Lana Del Raygun :

          Kind of — a 5K is a different kind of race. If you can run a marathon, then *finishing* a 5K is very easy for you, but you might still be going all out for a PR time. On that short a distance going for a PR probably means “run so fast you feel like you’re going to die” and maybe “vomit after you cross the finish line,” so I would appreciate support for that (and a ride home).

      • Caveat: I am a runner – I do so many races that it’s not practical for him to be at all of them. If this is your first-ever 5K or you did a huge fundraising drive for example, I would expect him to make more of an effort to go.

        • This. It totally depends on the runner, whether you’ve done that type of race before, whether you race often (especially at that distance), whether you’re trying to PR, etc. I’m a distance runner and I like my SO to come to those because it’s only a couple times a year and they’re all pretty important to me, but I sign up for a bunch of random 5ks just for fun to have a race to look forward to and don’t expect him to show up for those.

      • Mostly this, but we have a kiddo. So it depends on whether we think she’ll be easy to entertain during the actual race balanced with how much of a personal accomplishment it is. I do disagree to the extent that it is your first race, even if a 5k. In that case, it is a big deal to you and SO should support that.

      • I agree, with one caveat: for some people, a 5k is a huge accomplishment that they spend months training for. In those cases, I think it would be important to go, because the race means so much to the person running it.

      • +1

    • Aquae Sulis :

      Honestly, I would be disappointed and a bit hurt. I would definitely go and show support, unless I had a really good reason for not going.

    • Anonymous :

      For me personally, I’d prefer the support of having a nice meal, PJs, and maybe a foot rub waiting for me when I got home over the support of actually physically being present at the event. I’d also value the support of encouraging me in my training.
      Actually standing on the side of the road and waiting for your SO to run by sounds very boring and not nearly as useful as the other ways of being supportive!

    • Anonymous :

      Definitely expect them to come support me! If there’s a clear reason they can’t – work trip, final exam etc I would understand. But both DH and I do these kind of events so we know how much the support means. Heck, last time I did a marathon relay, DH brought the 3 kids to wave to me at the start and finish lines.

      When we do races together, he waits around to see me finish and my parents usually bring the kids for my finish time (he’s too quick for them to make the logistics work for early races). I’m a turtle.

      • Anonymous :

        Adding that these are all ‘in city/nearby city’ events. We’ve never traveled to participate in races so travel for that hasn’t come up.

    • 5k/10k definitely not. I enjoy reading, my husband enjoys running. I don’t make him sit and watch me read, I don’t like going to watch him run.

      If it was a first marathon or something where DH really wanted support, then sure I’d make some signs and grab a bunch of friends and make it fun handing out tootsie rolls to the runners or whatever. But I wouldn’t spend 2 weekends a month watching him do training races leading up to his marathons – id feel like that was holding me hostage to his hobby.

      • Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Fridays and J Crew, and Frank would not see a thing up top with this dress covering completely my boobies! It is extremeley well fitting and that could cause me to sweat a little in the summer, tho.

        As for the OPs, I think a man should be there to support us if we choose to run, regardless of the size of the race. I go to support Myrna, and she is my female freind until I find a guy to marry. I would go to HIS races and yell and wave as he ran past and I would expect him to do that for me if I ever started to run, which fortunately I am NOT interested in doeing. FOOEY on running b/c your knees start hurting and there is alot of poopie on the NYC streets that we must avoid steppeing into.

        But as a matter of principal, a man who wants us to do stuff for them should do stuff we want like watching us in a race. That is what equality is all about. YAY!!!!!

    • When I was dating my now-ex, I went to almost every single one of his marathons and half marathons. It was a lot of fun to pick out places on the course and cheer. Conversely, I went to almost no 5ks or 10ks unless I was also running. The marathons were particularly important because of the strain on the body and mind.

      My fiance goes to my events, and I to his. (I still think it was sweet of him to get up at 6 am to stand in the cold to cheer me on during a holiday race. :) )

      Being upset? I think it depends on what the particular race would mean to me. If I’m just doing a half to stretch my legs and have some fun, I wouldn’t care. I would care if, for example, I finally do an ultra and would need the course support.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Yes if it the race is a big deal to the runner, whether by being a really long distance like a marathon, or if it’s their first 5K or they’re going for a big PR. If it’s just “hey, cool, a 5K for the local school, I’ll run it as my marathon-training rest day,” then no.

      • +1

        I did a 5k last October and SO slept through it. 5k is not a difficult distance for me, and it was too hot to try for a PR. Plus I did it on a whim. I’d go if he was running a marathon for sure, but 5k, not unless I didn’t really have anything else to do and he bribed me with brunch after or something.

      • This. If the event is a big deal to me, I’d like him to be there. If it’s just my usual, “it’s Saturday so cbackson is racing” kind of thing, no. I’d rather he did something that was fun for him.

        So, like, having my family at my first marathon and when I ran Boston was a big deal, but I’ve run multiple marathons solo and it was NBD.

        • +1. I’m a runner as well, and it really depends – if this is a PR attempt or a first marathon or some other big goal race (regardless of distance), then yes, it’s lovely to have SO and family/ friends come for support. Hell, I wish I could’ve supported my best friend when she ran her first ever 5K (which she’d trained really hard for), but she was living across the country at the time!

          If it’s an ‘eh, it’s race Sunday again’ situation, I wouldn’t expect my husband to be there and am happy to just go out to do my own thing for the morning/ day and hang out with friends who are also running.

    • I don’t have any expectations that I expect him to magically know. I think about what I want on a case by case basis and why it’s important to me and tell him. If I told him it was important that he be there and he said no, then I would be upset.

      Off the top of my head the only thing that I’d want my husband to come to would be a marathon. Maaaaaaaybe a half. But we’re both extremely independent people and we generally pursue our hobbies without input or “support” from the other person.

    • It depends. If I am a regular runner/racer and it’s not a milestone race (my first ______) at a new longer distance, then no. It also would depend on how far away the race is and whether it involves overnight travel. I almost exclusively run trail races though and they are super boring for spectators because there aren’t any really good spots to see people until the finish. Most of the aid stations are hard to get to and spectators aren’t allowed anyway.

      Road races are more conducive to spectators, but still maintain my milestone stance. If you are a new runner/racer, I think it’s fair to want your SO there for your first race.

      If it were a milestone/first race and my SO was not interested in being there, I would probably be a little upset, but not largely. Honestly, even as a runner, I find running races to be boring for spectators. I don’t love spectating unless I am also volunteering. I can’t fault someone for not wanting to come!

      • This is how I am too. We are actually in the middle of this situation at my house. Sunday is my first half marathon. It is far from our house and watching it would be dull for the hubs and son. I would have liked them to at least consider it, though.

    • Minnie Beebe :

      Nope. DH still runs races occasionally, but I rarely attend. I was a semi-pro athlete at one point, and then took up marathoning, and never honestly cared if anyone attended to watch me. As for spectating an entire triathlon? Ugh. I’d rather watch paint dry. They are boring AF.

      • I’m having to, like, EXTENSIVELY bribe my parents to come to my first Ironman in September. Largely by researching all the fun things they can do while I’m swimming/on the bike, since they can’t watch much of that (they’ll watch the marathon). It’s a long freaking day, during most of which you can’t see your athlete. I just want them there to celebrate at the end…if they spend the rest of the day at museums/antique shops, more power to them.

        • Is it Wisconsin by any chance? Madison is a great place to spend a day.

          • Yup! I’m not super focused on it yet, because I’m training for a 200-mile bike race that’s in June, but it’ll be my first Ironman and I know I’ll be excited once the bike race is over and I switch more into tri mode (right now all I wanna do is ride my bike and the thought of swimming is…ugh). I’ve heard Madison is lovely.

          • KS IT Chick :

            cbackson, would that be the Dirty Kansa? That’s in my town!

          • Anonymous :

            Madison is indeed lovely, but I live here, so I’m biased :). I feel like the NYT and others have done several “36 hours in Madison,” so those should give you and your parents ideas. The bike course goes through some really pretty rural areas. I lived around the 8-mile mark of the run course when I was a student, and it was so much fun to watch. And I’ve been around the Capitol for the finish several times when people I know have done it, and it’s just so inspiring (inspires me to run, but hasn’t quite convinced me to pick up the biking and swimming parts…). Good luck!

          • @ KS IT Chick: YES! It is! I am excited and terrified! Would love the lowdown on all the best things to do in Emporia when I’m not suffering on the bike :-)

          • KS IT Chick :

            Well, there’s the Finish Line Block Party which wraps up the races on Saturday. It will be beyond insane, starting at about 1pm and running until 2am. We’re a town of 22K that has about 40K people show up to cheer for every person who finishes. Hearing that many cowbells is something to behold, as is hearing your name announced as you’re coming down the 6-block chute to the cheering. I’ve talked with riders who say you can start hearing it about 2 miles out.

            There’s the 5-minute walk (okay, 20-minute walk) through the zoo. It’s the country’s smallest accredited zoo, and it is free.

            There’s Mulready’s Pub (“Ride Bikes, Drink Beer”) that is our local hangout and sponsor of the local competitive cycling team. It’s an Irish pub that features large selections of craft beer and Irish & Scotch whisk(e)y, and it’s owned & operated by a former colleague and friend.

            In the week leading up to the races, there are a lot of leisurely rides out into the Flint Hills sponsored by various businesses. On Friday night, the farmers’ market puts on a spaghetti feed for the riders that also functions as a fundraiser for market activities.

            If you haven’t yet, get your hotel ASAP. Once they fill up, the university will open the nicer dorms for use by riders, but it is typical collegiate housing.

            We’ve now got a winery and by then will have a chauterie and cheese shop (both run by friends of mine). Shopping is pretty limited otherwise.

    • Anonymous :

      Maybe.

      But you say you are a big runner and run in a ton of races. How often are these races? Are you guys really busy so free time is at a premium?

      I am not a runner. I totally understand the desire to have your partner there. But watching long races is really, really, really boring. Wont he only be able to “watch” you for a few seconds? Either at the beginning or the end? I’m a musician, and for my partner to come see my concert, he at least can watch “me” and have direct entertainment for the entire time. And I very rarely have concerts. It sounds like you have races all the time and some of them aren’t as big a deal, so….?

      What do you support him to do that is equivalent?

    • New runner as of last year, for what that’s worth: Husband brought kids, made signs, and did the supportive thing for my first ever 5K last spring. I really appreciated it and it made my day.

      Subsequent 5Ks, husband has either done them with me or stayed home with the kids. I do not expect him to attend/support in person, and I think that would hold true even if we didn’t have kids at home.

      A longer run that is a long-term goal — whether half or longer marathon — I would appreciate the support. I’ve also been the 5k/triathlon-supporting spouse, and generally did not attend shorter runs but did/do attend (with kids in tow) the once-a-year big events.

    • KateMiddletown :

      It all depends on how important it is to you. I think a marathon is a huge accomplishment, and it’s totally fair and valid to expect/want support from your SO. I can imagine how satisfying it would be to finish and get to hug your SO and cry on their shoulder and have them baby you afterwards (when your legs aren’t working and you’re totally out of it.) But they’re also REALLY long and there’s no “action” to watch, so I can understand the hesitation on SO’s part. If you are going to be hurt by them not coming, make that clear, because you don’t want this to be a cause for future fighting and contempt. (See recent example – Carole on RHONY. Sue me.)

      • Cold office casual fashion :

        If someone really wants you to be there for their Chariots of Fire moment (and they may come in at 3-4-4.5 hours out), do you just hang out hoping that you spot them over 2.5 hours? Do you follow their chip or something?

        I am cheering / kidminding at a Girls on the Run 5K and am totally cool with that (and looking forward to the snacks and swag area) but wish that we didn’t need to be there at 7.

      • Is the marathon watching so long because it’s a big city race with challenging parking/viewing?

        For us watching/cheering generally only takes 2 hours out of the day max. Like show up a 1/2 hour – 45 minutes or so before their expected finish time and hang out for an hour or so after the race.

    • 5K – no
      Half-marathon – yes (but I’ve only done one, so it would be a big deal to me)
      Marathon – definitely yes (but probably wouldn’t do)
      Triathlon – wouldn’t do so no opinion

    • Linda from HR :

      Yes, yes yes yes! Especially if it was a new thing for me and felt like a big achievement, I would want my boyfriend there, unless there was a reason why he couldn’t go.

      However, I might not care if it was, like, my 10th race, or if I’ve been doing it so often it’s become routine, like mowing the lawn, or if I knew this was a 5K no one really bothered to come watch and my guy would be the only person watching. Or if it was cold and rainy and gross.

      My boyfriend and I support each other when we can. He’s into curling and I try to make it to the big games and bonspiels, I dance and he’s told me he’s interested in coming to watch a competition I’m in, I just don’t compete often. I don’t necessarily put a lot of stock into it personally, but going to watch when you can is a nice gesture.

    • Thanks all for the perspective! I think I need to pick my battles and not expect my SO to be at all my events, but maybe just a select few special ones. FWIW- what spurred this is a triathlon (short course- so not an all day event) in our own city. I do a couple triathlons a year, but this is definitely the biggest and most important one to me this year. Also, we have no children or conflicting events that would make it a strain to come.

      • How often are your races? Just trying to get a perspective…

        • I race about 1 time per month. This is my first race of the year- last race was 6-8 months ago. Did a 5k and a 10k earlier this year and never asked or expected my SO to attend.

      • Conflicting event? You mean sleep? And whatever he’d be doing the night before that he would have to give up in order to get up at the crack of dawn? I mean sure, you make sacrifices for the people you love, and supporting a loved one’s marathon or whatever is important. But to act like, oh he doesn’t have a conflict it’s not a strain, is really missing the point. I wouldn’t give up my preferred weekend activities for someone who didn’t appreciate me, either.

        • What races end at the crack of dawn? I’ve gone to all DH’s races and I’ve never had to be up earlier than 9am, maybe 8am to make it on time for his finish or cheer on the last 1/3 of the route. The person running generally has to get up super earlier but the person watching doesn’t.

          • I think some people answering these comments are answering from the perspective that “support” means be at the finish line, and others from the perspective that you’d be there the whole time. It’s not clear to me what the OP is actually expecting/asking for here.

          • Ugh, I would want to kill my spouse if he wanted me to be at a race (OP says once a month on average) at 8am on a Saturday……

          • Thanks Torin. I didn’t even realize that going for the whole race from beginning to end was a thing people did! Some of the other responses make a lot more sense now.

      • If you do this many races, does he know this one in particular is that important to you?

        • Yes, if you have said hey SO, this race is really important to me and I would really like you to be there for support and then SO blew you off about it or didn’t agree to come absent some prior commitment, that is a different conversation than an SO showing up for a random race without being asked.

      • Unless this is your “A” race (and maybe not even then, depending on race day logistics at the site), I’d let it go. Triathlon is not a great spectator sport. In addition, depending on the venue, if you drive in together, he’s going to have to get there at the crack of dawn with you (well before the race so you can get your transition area set up), sit through the race, and then even if you’re at the front of the pack, won’t be able to make a quick exit, since transition isn’t going to open until the last runner is on course, and even then, depending on where parking is, size of race, etc, possibly not even then. I love endurance sports, but watching an event is the pits. Have you asked him to volunteer at the race? He might not have to be there an hour before the start, and having a job to do makes the time go by a lot quicker. Plus, he’ll get to see you race!

        If I’m not racing, I volunteer, or post myself on the bike course and take photos. It’s the only way to make the spectator experience not completely suck, IMO.

    • For a first time or a major event, yes. If I did races on a frequent basis and/or it wasn’t a major race, I wouldn’t expect them to be there unless they just wanted to.

    • I would definitely go support my husband and he would definitely go support me at any distance. It’s not even a question; it’s just how we are. Personally, one of the things I love about marriage is having someone to celebrate the little/mundane things with. A 5k isn’t a big deal to most people, but having your spouse there to cheer you on and help you run your best race is amazing.

    • Bit different perspective. I run but I’ve never and probably will never do a race. I hate crowds and shouting so a race is pretty much my worst nightmare. I have a lot of anxiety/mental health issues.

      It would be really hard for me to go to a race to support an SO. I have friends who’ve done big races and I’ll meet them at the bar after and buy them a drink, but I’m not going to subject myself to a crowd of shouting people for hours on end. I hope that my hypothetical SO would be able to appreciate the other ways I would make an effort to support their efforts – making diet-compliant meals, encouraging early morning runs even on weekends, tolerating (with a smile!) the never-ending running talk, and celebrating their accomplishment after the fact.

    • Marathon, yes. Half marathon, probably, especially if I’m trying to PR, but I’d let it go if he made me pasta the night before and took me to brunch after. The local 8k I signed up for on a whim two days ago because the weather forecast looks fantastic? Nope.

    • I supported my SO for a marathon, but for a 5/10k? no, and I wouldn’t expect him to be at the event either. I need him supporting me by watching the kids so I can train and participate, hang out with my friends, etc. If he were at the event, kids would be there too, and I’d lose the benefit of “doing something unrelated to my mom status.” Maybe that’s just me. Totally different if it’s like, the first race I’m running after recovering from a car accident or in celebration of my father’s favorite charity after his death or something.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Doesn’t matter what any of us think.

      If you would like him to be there, then ask him to be there. If he declines and you are hurt, then you are hurt and you get to feel however you feel. You can share that with him and he may or may not change his mind, and if he doesn’t, you get to decide whether to keep being hurt or to go ahead and enjoy the race anyway.

      And if he hurts your feelings often enough then you get to break up with him and find somebody with whom you are more compatible.

      • ^^^This is really the best answer.

      • I don’t know – I think it very much does help to hear what others think. There are times when I’m not sure if my expectations are reasonable, and it legitimately helps me — and precludes serious hurt feelings – to learn that relative to most others, my expectations are actually unreasonable.
        In this case – I think OP’s expectations are unreasonable. Which means that it’s not a reflection of her SO’s love (or lack of love, is what I think she’s inferring) that he’s reluctant to go support her. If it was a giant marathon or something, where it’s more objectively reasonable to want support — then yes, her SO’s unwillingness to go might mean something. In this case, I think she’s asking for a lot. I wouldn’t go watch my husband for something like this, and I love the man dearly!

    • You don’t need perspective. It bothers you and that’s fine! Talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he just didn’t think you cared if he showed up.

    • Alanna of Trebond :

      Definitely not for a 5k.

  8. I posted too late for many comments the other day, and am hoping for a few more responses…

    I scheduled a meeting with my boss for this afternoon to ask her to give me a slightly longer leash on projects. Her micromanaging is driving me nuts (which I will not say in so many words!), and it also keeps me from helping her and the team as much as I know I can. I’m planning to talk to her about the areas I’m working on improving, and about what my hopes are for how our team can work in the future. I have some ideas for how to get there, and will also ask her what she thinks.

    Any tips for making this go well? My boss talks a lot about teamwork and collaboration, but is in reality fairly controlling, so I’m having a hard time predicting how she’ll react. Thank you!!

    • This sounds like a challenging conversation, as you are asking her to change something that is likely a part of her personality.

      So I suggest you go in with a strategy/strategies to help reassure her.

      For example, weekly or biweekly check-ins to review checklists/priorities/update her on status? These could be by email or in person or a mix.

      You get what I’m saying? By going in and asking “What can I do to help YOU…..”, when in fact you are asking for your own sanity, may be more successful.

    • Make it about you. You want more responsibility, handle more projects on your own, more independence. Make it about your career growth not her overbearing ways.

    • Thank you both—it went as well as it could have!

    • Anonymous :

      If it’s not too late for your meeting, Ask A Manager has a few posts on micromanaging bosses that might be helpful.

  9. Anonymous :

    If I ran a marathon, sure. But a 5k? Definitely not.

    • In-house in Houston :

      I’m a runner. My husband met me at the finish line when I ran my first full marathon, but now I just run 1/2 and an occasional 5K for charity and the doesn’t come out for those. I think if I ran another full he’d come out. And I’m 100% fine with this.

  10. I got the dior lip glow during VIB and – despite trying on multiple colors at the store – it’s way too pink. ugh. is there a shade that is not pink pink pink? I thought I picked the least pink. should I just return it? I hate that they have to throw it away, but I also don’t want to spend $30 on a lip color I’ll rarely wear. I was looking for something that I could wear daily for a pale lip problem.

    • KateMiddletown :

      Return it. It cost you $30 but it only cost a few bucks to make it.

      • You can return used make-up just because you don’t like the color after all?

        The main reason I don’t use lipstick is because I can’t imagine spending hundreds of dollars trying to “find” my color/lipstick…

        • KateMiddletown :

          Sephora has an amazing return policy – and samples policy if you just want to try out 100s of different shades! Go in store and ask them to make you a sample of anything from the cheapest house brand nail polish remover to the most expensive face serum. (If you’re going to go crazy, go at a slower time, obviously.)

      • Fair point! That actually makes me feel better. And, conversely, more like a sucker!

    • It’s ok to be that person every now and then. Return policies were drafted for a good reason. As long as you don’t abuse the system, there is nothing wrong with returning an item that doesn’t work for you. The first time I returned something, I was mortified but since it only happened a couple times among hundreds of purchases I don’t bat an eye now.

      • grapefruit :

        +1 I think about my overall ratio of returns to purchases. If I were returning 2/3 of what I bought, I’d consider that a problem. But I return maybe 2 or 3 items a year (out of the probably 25 I purchase), so I don’t feel too badly.

  11. Lana Del Raygun :

    I’m low-key obsessed with this dress, especially given the sea of viscose poly chiffon that seems to have swept through fashion the past couple years.

    • I love it too but worried it would turn into a wrinkled mess in the skirt part at work. Maybe for a presentation where I am mostly standing?

    • I love it too. Maybe because it’s posted on a Friday, but it looks a little like denim or chambray from the picture. But the color and style are gorgeous.

  12. What is the best way to apply to biglaw jobs? Through a recruiter? Cold emailing the firm’s HR contact? Something else?

    • If you are not fresh out of school, use a recruiter.

    • If there’s an actual posted job, then I would follow that process. However, I would say (based on the two big law jobs I’ve gotten) that networking with the attorneys who already work there is the way to go. Did you go to the same law school or undergrad? Start there. Usually the attorneys already working at the firm can get a referral bonus if they recommend someone who is hired, so there is incentive for them to recommend you. For example, I *think* at my firm it’s like $7500 if you recommend someone who is then hired as an associate, $10,000 for counsel and $15,000 for a lateral partner.

    • Depends on whether you’re already in Biglaw or not…

      This advice works if you’re already in Biglaw–getting into Biglaw if you’re fresh out of law school, or otherwise employed somewhere else, may be harder. If you have a contact at the firm, that’s probably the best way. Reach out to the contact to see what’s most effective in terms of applying. If you know there’s an opening, and you apply directly (i.e., not through a recruiter), you may have some leverage to ask for a signing bonus. Recruiters have a tendency to know where the job openings are, though, and I think that’s the common route. Many firms will post openings on their websites, so if there’s a particular firm you’re interested in, look there first. I’ve heard that laterally is good for aggregating firm openings, but you have to apply and get access to that database.

      • This. Best way in is through a rec from a law school classmate or other contact–firms pay way less in referral fees that way than through a recruiter, and your contact can follow up re your resume on your behalf, which is huge. I also caveat the advice that biglaw can be really snitty about you not having been in biglaw before, which is dumb, but it is a thing. I do think that speaking with recruiters and using one on a limited basis (for firms you don’t care about so much) is a good way to get intel on the state of the lateral market and test the waters, and perhaps even polish your resume skills or help you refine your search. Cosign that laterally is awesome and such a huge help. It is especially helpful because it lists how long positions have been on the market, which gives you an idea as to whether a firm is perpetually hiring, opportunistically hiring or is just lazy about removing old job postings.

    • How about all of the above. I never was sucessful in getting a job in BigLaw, b/c I went to school in DC where goverment jobs were where we were expected to apply, and I only got summer jobs but no offers there b/c the men who were hiring did NOT want to hire me b/c I would not do anything with them after work, while they wanted to date me or at least have s-x with me. So I wound up comeing back to NYC and getting work here. Try every angle if you really want BigLaw, as there are multiple paths in.

      BTW, has anyone in the hive read about Bill Cosby? He was CONVICTED this time and can get up to 30 years in prison. Since he is 80, that sounds like he could spend the rest of his life in jail. I bet he now wishes he had not done any of this stuff to Ms. Constamm, and from what I read, she was NOT the onley one. I think I will never understand what it is in a man that causes him to want to do stuff like this to women. I certainly do NOT find any desire for a man who just wants to have s-x with me. I need an emotional connection in order to accept a man in my life. W/o that, it is nothing more than a physical thing, which is NOT even pleaseurable for me and I suspect alot of other women.

      What does the HIVE think about Cosby? I was to young to watch him on TV years ago, but I can imagine that at least some women might have found him eligible since he was makeing so much money on TV. Personally, making alot of money is NOT what I would care about. I want a guy who cares about me, not just satifying himself. FOOEY on that!

  13. I’d like to thank the OP from yesterday for alerting me to this; as a Bay Area resident/feminist, I’m sickened by the violent, misogynistic display at the SF Public Library. I called and sent an email protesting the “artwork” and would encourage others to do the same (respectfully, of course). Change the “dot” to “.” below.

    https://sfpl dot org/index.php?pg=2000034301&ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F

    • What’s the artwork? Not a resident but curious what is so offensive?

      • I was so disgusted learning about this yesterday. Apparently it’s really inflammatory material – even weapons – from violent misogynists.

      • Baseball bats (including one wrapped in barbed wire), axes, and bloody shirts/banners/posters reading things like “Die Cis Scum” and “I Punch TERFs.”

      • It’s a display of axes, baseball bats (including one wrapped in barbed wire), and bloody T-shirts saying “die cis scum” and “I punch TERFS.” Then there’s a plaque saying “TERFS are possibly more responsible for trans deaths than cis-men” (which is so blatantly untrue I can’t even handle it). This is all from a fringe trans-oriented Antifa group; the objects and T-shirts are ones they carried in public at the SF D*ke March a few months back.

        The message I take away is that lesbians and women who debate gender studies deserve to be beaten. I can’t stand a display like that being in a taxpayer-funded public space.

        • Apparently part of it has already been removed. I just saw a note on the website saying that the exhibit had been altered to remove a piece that could be interpreted to promote v1olence.

        • What are TERFS?

          • Trans exclusionary radical feminists

          • “TERF” is a word used by transactivists to describe anyone, but especially lesbians, who question the trans ideology, namely that “transwomen are women” and disagree with the idea that being a woman is an internal, subjective feeling rather than a biological reality with societal implications. People who are called TERFs may refer to themselves as second wave or gender critical feminists. They typically object to concepts such as the cotton ceiling, allowing transwomen to enter female spaces (including locker rooms, women’s shelters, and bathrooms) and female sporting competitions. They are not hateful of transpeople and do not threaten or murder transpeople.

          • I disagree that they’re not hateful of trans people. I don’t think it justifies violent rhetoric in return but many are very, very hateful. Frankly I find them incredibly creepy.

          • Lana Del Raygun :

            In addition to the above, it includes lesbian women who don’t want to have s*x with “women” who have, you know, p*n*ses.

          • Anonymous :

            Anon @12:24, it’s funny that you use the word “creepy”. It’s one of the few words women have to describe men’s disturbing behavior, including the behavior of transwomen in women’s spaces.

          • So criticize transwomen who behave badly in women’s spaces. That’s fine. It doesn’t justify denying the experiences of transwomen as a group anymore than the bad behavior of individual women doesn’t justify making statements about women as a group.

          • “TERF” is a derogatory term used to describe women who have done any or all of the following:

            – Stated that women’s biology is the basis of their global oppression as a class
            – Used the words “female,” “s*x,” “v*gina,” and other biologically accurate terms to describe their reproductive systems
            – Quoted the work of second-wave feminists
            – Criticized gender as an oppressive hierarchical construct that places female people below male people
            – Expressed concern about allowing young gender-non-conforming children to begin lifelong hormone treatments that have never been tested for safety and that carry a high risk of permanent steriilization
            – Expressed the viewpoint that lesbians have the absolute right to decline dating and sleeping with males
            – Supported female-only spaces in locker rooms, domestic violence shelters, and other areas where women may be especially vulnerable to crimes committed by males
            – Shown support for women’s political actions and right to organize on the basis of their sex
            – Identified male violence against women as a devastating problem worldwide
            – Expressed the belief that you should not be able to compel speech from others in the form of preferred pronouns or similar (i.e., that you can request preferred pronouns be used, but not compel others to use them through the threat of violence).

            You would be hard-pressed to find a single one who has a bloody T-shirt saying “die trans scum” or “I punch trans people.” They simply don’t exist. The only “TERFS” I know and have interacted with online are critical of gender as an oppressive construct; they wish for all people, including trans people, to be free of violence and discrimination.

    • This is crazy. It sounds like they’ve removed part of the exhibit but not clear which part, and most of it is still up. I don’t see how a public library is the appropriate space for this type of in-your-face violent exhibit.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I’d share this with my Bay Area friends on FB, but I don’t want to give the exhibit any more publicity. What a f*ing travesty.

    • This makes me sick to my stomach. I just can’t see how this was approved. How did it become acceptable to call a barb-wire wrapped bat an acceptable form of protest? After the pussy hat fallout, Rose McGowan being confronted so disturbingly, and this, I have lost faith in what passes for feminism these days. The movement feels like it has abandoned women who have *gasp* a female body.

  14. Cold office casual fashion :

    I used to love wearing suits b/c I didn’t have to think and seemed to have enough wool clothes on to be warm.

    Now we are casual. And our “green” building seems to be set for 67 degrees (possibly colder in the summer).

    I am morphing into an Olsen Twin. I am short and on the smaller side. I can wear something like Loft Julie / BR Sloane pants + blouse and it’s fine for the weather. At my desk though: Layer on a giant cashmere / silk scarf (becksondergaard is the bomb). Then have giant cardi-coat thing (MMLF has one of these but I now have 3 and was eyeing the white/pink one from Cuyana this morning).

    It looks so nutty that I’m thinking of just going back to suits. If I were in a creative field, it might work better as a look. But I deal with #s.

    • Anonymous :

      Are your suits so formal that you can’t wear them as separates? I would think a floral or patterned shirt with non-matching suit separates would be just fine in any office. I hate layering (also small / petite) and have a boiled wool jacket (blazer?) that is ridiculously warm in a neutral charcoal.

    • What about wool pieces in more casual cuts? My office went casual too, and I’m wearing what used to be my plane clothes — wool trousers with slouchy cuts, drapey sweaters in cashmere blends, and loafers. All I need to complete my travel vibe would be some compression socks.

  15. BensonRabble :

    I have been on the hunt for a-line/fit and flare dresses with sleeves and pockets. Old Navy has sleeves, no pockets and Target has pockets, no sleeves. I have tried Macy’s, NYC, Talbot, Ann Taylor etc. I feel like this isnt that weird of a request! Any suggestions?

    • Banana Republic? I’m going to look rn.

      • Banana has a great ponte shift dress with short sleeves that fits your description but it has no pockets. However, this dress is so perfect – it looks more expensive and feels better that you would expect. (It’s not really a shift dress on me but I expect it may be if you had smaller hips/thighs?

    • Lands’ End?

    • There might be some at Lands End that meet your criteria. I believe the ponte sheath dress has pockets. I too prefer a-line and fit an flare and even though that is a sheath dress, I like the shape of it.

    • Someone questioned her credentials to put out a fashion line earlier this week…but the Gal Meets Glam has dresses that fit perfectly. Links to follow to avoid mod.

      • https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gal-meets-glam-collection-tie-waist-satin-midi-dress-nordstrom-exclusive/4920329?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=POWDER%20PINK

        https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gal-meets-glam-collection-city-crepe-fit-flare-dress-nordstrom-exclusive/4920320?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=MAUVE

        https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/gal-meets-glam-collection-pearly-trim-fit-flare-dress-nordstrom-exclusive/4965132?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=CREME

      • Enough with the Gal Meets Glam plugs every day….

      • These are not office dresses. These are brunch dresses and summer party dresses.

        • Blonde Lawyer :

          I’d wear the third one to work.

        • BensonRabble :

          The first dress is gorgeous..if only I was a florist in a village in the south of France!

          But seriously so many of the wear to work filters include cold shoulder, ruffles galore, clubbing dresses….What kind of offices are these?

          • KateMiddletown :

            Agreed. I’m a millennial but wouldn’t be caught dead in a cold shoulder at work. Not sure who the look is aimed at.

          • I’m an “old millenial” (33) but the “young millenials” (20-somethings) in my office wear cold shoulder tops. We’re pretty casual (I wear jeans whenever I want) but cold shoulder tops are just not workwear to me.

    • Lands’ End’s Women’s 3/4 Sleeve Ponte Aline Dress has sleeves and pockets. Looks like it’s available in a medium blue and a more casual navy stripe.

    • KateMiddletown :

      I’m guessing all the A-line dresses on Amazon that people seem to love have pocketed options. Modcloth is very a-line and very pocket focused, if you can find some solid/work appropriate looks.

    • Boden has a couple of ponte dresses that meet these criteria – check out the Irene and Julianna dresses.

  16. I feel like this dress is cute until you try to clean it, then, WHERE DO THE WRINKLES END AND THE CUTE CHEST DETAIL BEGIN? Would never wear it again.

  17. How does stress leave work in big law? I’m being bullied my the partner I work for, back-to-back hundred hour weeks while the rest of the group doesn’t seem as busy, haven’t had a weekend off since January. I’m losing it. I’ve cried in my office every day this week. I”m sleeping poorly. I need to get out. It’s stress leave or I just quit, but stress leave sounds better for my resume. Help.

    • Another Anon :

      Is there another partner you can talk to about this? That person needs to be reigned in.

    • I’ve never heard of anyone taking stress leave. But I hear that your very dear friend just had her baby a bit early, and while everyone’s ok, she really really needs your help right now. For two weeks. In the mountains where you won’t have reception or internet.

    • I think that you go on leave while you plot your exit strategy, come back leaning out, and then go.

    • Honestly, I’d just start leaning out while you job search. Don’t just quit — that is bad optics.

      Or talk to HR about taking FMLA leave (not stress leave). Have your doctor prescribe something like a sleep study.

      But really just look to leave. Leaving is the only thing that will help.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I can’t answer your specific question to big law but I have represented clients in other areas of work that need to go on leave due to stress. They basically get a medical leave from their doc and take sick leave/fmla/short term disability. They don’t disclose the nature of the illness to anyone except those that need to see the paperwork. HR? It depends on how your paperwork is written. Some places require the diagnosis. Some just require the doc to certify that the undisclosed diagnosis meets a certain criteria.

    • anon for this :

      Keeping anon for this. Worked at a regional biglaw firm and was struggling between a few horrible transactions, a horrible senior associate, and life stress. I gave it six weeks and when I was still crying throughout the day and at work, I went to my doctor, got FMLA leave through him, and went on anti-anxiety meds and started seeing a therapist. The nature of the leave was only disclosed to HR – to everyone else, it was medical leave.

      BUT taking that leave didn’t help really – it just avoided the problem. What I found out was that biglaw was not for me. I ended up moving firms within three months.

    • Anonymous :

      Not in biglaw, but I have taken medically-documented stress leave before (wound up being 2 months) and received a job offer during that time so did not go back to the first job. It totally burned a bridge, but it was worth it.

  18. So heartbroken this morning :( I posted a few days ago about our 1.5 year old dog who was hit by a car. He had a broken pelvis that we thought was the extent of his injury. We took him to a more experienced small animal vet yesterday and they determined he had significant nerve damage, some internal fluid issues and would likely never walk again even with surgery. So we made the very difficult decision to put him down last night. Our local vet was kind enough to come to our home to do it, but it’s never easy to let a pet go. A wonderful message was given to me though that our pets trust us enough to know when it’s time for them to go and they look to us always for everything. Tough day around here :(

  19. I hate to bring this up, but Tom Brokaw? I know it wasn’t rape, but I hate the idea that people (bots?) are so upset that women are talking about this now. It just isn’t ok for 60 year old men to manhandle hot 25 year olds in the office. Even if the guy is rich and handsome. Aren’t there steps to take before that, anyway? Asking someone to lunch, perhaps?

    I hate the fact that some people are worried about Cosby’s legacy. He drugged people! He’s a criminal! I don’t care how old he is.

    I’m not super #metoo ish but some stuff gets to me.

    • Cosby was my graduation speaker. We got a recycled speech. Ick.

      • Lana Del Raygun :

        He came to my alma mater a long time ago and apparently was a huge jerk to a struggling black student.

    • I mean I don’t think his age has anything to do with it. It’s not okay for anyone to grope coworkers. I’m curious if more women come forward. I’m not sure if this being Tom Brokaw would be surprising or not. I find him pretty sanctimonious so it wouldn’t surprise me, but then again I hesitate to reach any conclusions without knowing more about this.

  20. I’m planning to plant a bunch of zinnia and marigolds and things this weekend from seed in my beds outside. Maybe a silly question, but how do you tell what is a weed and what is a flower as they start to sprout? How do you even remember where you planted them all? I’m very new to this. Can anyone point me towards a guide to (actual) gardening?

    • It’s really tough in the beginning. You just learn as you go to recognize some of the most common weeds in your area. Your local extension might be able to help.

      But I think most gardeners just let things grow until it’s recognizable as a weed. I’ve done it for years and it’s no problem. You just need to get the weeds up before they seed. It isn’t critical to get them as soon as they sprout.

    • Also, some seeds need 24-hour round temps above a certain level to germinate. That’s why people often start seeds in jiffypots on their radiator or in a sunny window, and then transplant. It might be perfectly warm where you live, but in the Northeast, where I am, it’s still too chilly at night for certain seeds to germinate. Also, check that the seeds to start don’t have a “hard coat” that requires soaking. Starting seeds can be tricky!

    • I have always found it more successful to start flowers from seed in starter peat soil pellets that are sold in packs in a tray. They are usually sold as hard disks that you add water to, and they grow into 2 inch tall (held together by thin fabric film). You plant the seeds according to instructions in the tray (which often has a cover, so that the right amount of humidity encourages germination) and transfer them to your garden bed once they have sprouted the first two to four leaves by removing the fabric (easy tear with a finger) and planting in your garden bed.

      You can find these on Amazon, Home Depot, Walmart or any garden store, typically Jiffy brand. Your chances of strong flowers from seed are much higher this way. And it allows you to take the seedlings inside if the weather drops below 60 (for spring plants) or you get a bad storm.

    • If you are on the West Coast, I really like Sunset’s New Western Gardening Book. However, if you are anywhere, this is a perfect time to go to your local library. Gardening tips don’t really go stale, so a book from five years ago is just fine–there’s a lot to browse and learn. I taught myself gardening as a kid from the library and several years of trial and error in SoCal. It was really fun. I also think gardening is incredibly relaxing and weirdly rewarding to see your little plants grow. I hope you enjoy it.

  21. Baconpancakes :

    I just read an article on the problems of shallow binaryism in the #metoo movement and in our world in general (by Nora Caplan-Bricker in The Point, Herland), and while it was a interesting, important, and thought-provoking, I had to skim the last half because I had just spent ten minutes reading a single article and was only half-finished.

    When do y’all have time to read deeper dive articles? Do you have a set time of day? Weekends? Just make them part of the workday?

    • This is why I cancelled my New Yorker subscription. Interesting, well researched but the thing takes more time than I have to read especially when I have to skim out for the navel gazing.

    • During my subway commute! Minimum 30 minutes where I can’t do anything else. Sometimes before I go to bed, too. If in print, I like to carve out some quiet reading time on Friday nights or Saturday after my kid goes to bed.

    • KateMiddletown :

      Perhaps in retirement. I can barely finish a book. Been working on Vanity Fair diaries for months and I’m 1/4 of the way thru.

  22. inside/outside jackets :

    Now that we’re casual, I am having a hard time figuring out what is an outside jackets (to wear with jeans/pants to the office) and what is an inside jacket.

    I’m currently wearing an olive-green cotton jackets with pockets that I think is maybe an outdoor layer. But I’m wearing it indoors b/c my office is cold.

    I’m so used to suits that I like having a layer on on top of a shirt/blouse. And many outfits looks better with a visual completing piece. I have cardigans, but the jackets often have more style. I carry an access card to go out to the bathrooms, so a pocket is a help (always on the jackets, never on the cardigans).

  23. I think I might be sliding into depression.

    I’m feeling really defeatist at work- nothing I do matters or advances anything so why bother? I just can’t bring myself to do certain basic tasks (what was the point of a networking event if you don’t follow up with the people that you met? But just can’t send the emails even through the business cards are sitting on my desk).

    I’m so tired I feel like I could sleep all weekend but even when my husband takes our kids and let’s me sleep for 12 hours I’m still tired and cranky.

    I always felt like the answer was pull yourself together! Take a hot shower and put on some makeup and just do the stuff! But I just can’t muster the energy

    • See your GP. I was the same way. Feeling very stuck and unable to move forward even though I knew what I needed to do. Started wellbutrin which has given me the energy to contact EAP and restart my exercise program which is key to my mental health. Not a miracle solution but having enough energy to take the positive steps needed to start to right the ship was huge for me. Hope to taper off in another couple months.

    • If you’re a reader, try reading Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. It has really good recommendations for mental exercises and lifestyle changes that help with mild to moderate depression. Very helpful if you feel like you’re not at a point where you want to try medication.

    • Marillenbaum :

      Okay, this sounds *exactly* like my experience of depression. Contact your GP for a start. You might end up needing medication briefly, because sometimes your brain just doesn’t make it possible to do the things that you know would help you feel better. And that’s okay! It doesn’t make you weak or a failure or anything. If you do go the medication route, know that it can take a little trial and error to find the right version and dosage, so try not to get too discouraged if it takes some time. Good luck!

    • Thistledown :

      This could also have some physical causes and your GP will probably want to run test for like thyroid levels, anemia, B12, Vitamin D, and the like. It could also be depression, but it’s always good to cover your bases.

  24. coffeecoffee :

    I need help figuring out where to move. I’ve been in DC for over five years, and I am so.over.it. I’m in-house at a nonprofit, and I need to stick to a nonprofit/government for seven more years to get my loans forgiving under PSLF. I’m early 30s and single. Looking for somewhere warm, ideally close to water, and pet friendly – my dream life involves a gaggle of rescue pups. Ideal location is San Diego (I realize it wouldn’t save me anything, but I have family there), but I haven’t found many nonprofit openings there. Any thoughts appreciated!

    • You can find a mediocre to well paying nonprofit job in literally any major city, even many midsize city. What do you want out of a city? Weather? Close to major airports? Easy to travel from? Outdoor activities? Slow pace? Fast pace? You have literally given no criteria other than San Diego. If you want to move to San Diego move. But you can’t ask for advice on where in the U.S. to live that’s way too vague for any of us to be helpful.

      • This comment seems weirdly hostile – OP did give some criteria about being warm, close to water, and pet-friendly. And not every single city has a zillion non-profits.

        OP, it sounds like you’d like either a mid-size city or suburbs of a major city – “a gaggle of rescue pups” can be challenging in a large urban area with expensive real estate.

        Have you considered Houston? It’s large enough that there should be plenty of opportunities, near water, warm, and you could probably get a home with some space for the pups!

        • Yes, I was going to suggest Austin. We’re on the water, majorly dog friendly, and obviously very warm.

      • Who peed in your cheerios?

    • I’ve lived in several cities (including DC) and I think you should think about Atlanta. It doesn’t meet your water requirement but it is SUCH a cool city right now and there have been so many changes in the last few years. As an also 30 something single person I think it is a great city for dating. The quality of life is good. There is a lot of variety and dynamism.

      • +1 for Atlanta but also consider Charlotte. 2 hours to the mountains and 3 hours to the beach (Atlanta has similar distances). I don’t have much advice on the professional side but I grew up in Charlotte so I’m biased as to why I love it. Could also consider the Triangle Area of NC and be even closer to the beach.

    • Anonymous :

      I think if you have family in San Diego you can crash with, and that’s where you want to live, you should pick up and go! You’ll always have better luck getting hired once you’re in the place you’re searching.

    • Anonymous :

      Charleston? Warm, near water, not sure about the dog part. But I heard that traffic has been getting worse there (probably depends on the area). Or Savannah?

  25. Paging PolyAnon :

    Not trying to judge, but wanting to be enlightened. How did you figure out that you are poly? What makes you want to get married to one person then, if marriage typically signifies monogamy, or do you only want to marry someone who will allow you to continue being poly? Do you have a preference for someone who is poly and can understand it better than someone who is not?

    • Health insurance and financial security, per one peer.

    • Baconpancakes :

      A lot of poly folks have primary relationships, and then other relationships, where essentially their partners are ranked. A more accurate term for what you’re describing might be an “open relationship,” and the people within it would be poly. Most people who strongly identify as poly will only marry someone who is also poly, or is totally fine with their partner having other relationships outside of the marriage. In fact, most (honest) poly people won’t even date someone who isn’t ok with them having other relationships, and prefer people who are open to that lifestyle themselves. A marriage is essentially what you decide it is, so if monogamy isn’t a vow you promise to keep, your marriage doesn’t have to mean monogamy. Other poly people who get married decide that the (monogamous) person they’re marrying is more important to them than being poly. (Not poly, for the record, but one of my best friends is.)

  26. Divorce attorney in Hartford, CT? :

    Any recommendations for a divorce (maybe mediation?) attorney in West Hartford , CT, or the Hartford area generally?

    I’m asking for a friend who, sadly, may need this option. Attorney doesn’t need to be lesbian or gay, but needs to be GLBT-friendly.

  27. I have an event soon for which my dress is just a smidge snug. How much of a difference does shapewear make? And how uncomfortable is it?

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      Just a smidge of a difference, in my experience. I would say it’s not terribly comfortable but less uncomfortable than worrying that you’re going to strain a seam!

    • Anonymous :

      It depends – they make different levels of tightness (which usually correlates to how uncomfortable it is!)

    • Anonymous :

      It make a difference for me and I’ve used it to fit into a too tight dress before. If it’s an inch difference, it’s worth a shot. For some reason spanx makes my stomach bigger, like it pulls all the fat into the center. I’ve use the cheapo Target option (the type that have shorts and go up to under your [email protected] strap) and also Rago brand, which is an old school brand you can get on Amazon. Rago is super shape changing and wont’ roll down due to light underwire (more comfortable than it sounds most brands roll down like crazy), but not as comfortable.

    • Shapewear :

      It smooths everything out!
      I like the high-waisted underwear and often find it sucks in my love-handles and reduces the belly-pooch significantly. I have two (black and nude) and wear them quite regularly under work dresses or when I am tucking my shirts into a skirt of pants. I hand-wash just the underwear part and hang to dry.

      Beware it does make me feel a bit hot and sometimes the top part will roll down and need to be adjusted. I find tucking it into my bra band isn’t helpful because its not long enough to stay put and moves with a slightly lift of the arms.

    • Anonymous :

      For me, it makes a difference, but it often pushes things to another place. So if a dress is too tight everywhere, shapewear probably won’t help. If the dress is too tight in the Place A but has some give in Place B, I can probably find some shapewear that will help. You may want to take the dress with you to a store and try things on to see what works with the particular dress and where it happens to be too tight.

    • Anonymous :

      I like it for certain purposes, but I’ve only personally had luck with it smoothing out bumps, and not actually making anything smaller. I generally tend to prefer control-top pantyhose over more traditional shapewear, since I feel like that actually sucks me in a little bit.

    • Stop eating grains right now, drink a lot of water, and maybe take a magnesium supplement. Oh, and fast 12 hours between dinner and breakfast. Like stop eating at 7 pm. You will fit into that dress in no time.

    • Kat in VA :

      Depending on the brand, it can be an inch or so. I have an off-brand shaper slip I got from Amazon that I mainly wear to keep me warm and not have to wear a separate slip – it smooths but doesn’t reduce.

      Conversely, I have a Spanx shaper that made the “fits just great in the fitting room” ball gown into “ever so slightly loose, maybe I shoulda gotten the smaller size” at home. YMMV

  28. Thank you note? :

    I received an extremely unexpected and very generous raise yesterday (yay!). This is the first time I’ve had a salary adjustment outside of the normal performance review cycle. Script for a thank you note?

    • No note. It’s not a gift, it’s your salary, which you earned and are entitled to.

    • No thank you note! You earned that raise, it’s not a gift!

    • Absolutely not!!!!

    • Generally I agree with no note – the only exception would be is if you know your manager really went to bat for you or put extra effort into getting this outside of the standard raise cycle. In that case, a quick email saying something along the lines of, “Hi boss, really appreciate your advocacy for me – it is great to feel valued, etc”. You would be thanking Boss for their extra effort, not for the money/raise itself.

  29. Belle Boyd :

    I posted a while back about a pair of pink shoes I was thinking about getting, and what to wear them with. I just wanted to let the Hive know that I ordered them and They. Are. Awesome! They are the most comfortable shoes I have ever worn! I definitely recommend. Here is the link if anyone is interested:

    https://www.hotter.com/us/en/donna-heels

    The shoes run a tad big on me, but I just put those heel grips in them and they’re fine. That’s just me, though — I have to do that for nearly all my shoes. I’m just in love with how they look and how amazingly comfortable they are!

    Also, if you check the outlet page on the site, they do come in other colors. There is a dark wine color that is absolutely gorgeous. Some of the magazines I’ve looked through lately have had ads for this company that offer 40 percent off and free shipping, so if anyone is interested, do a little research before placing an order! Standard shipping was a bit slow, so if you need something in a hurry, be aware. Otherwise, I have no complaints or issues and will definitely order from this company again.

  30. Freed Marcroft is a downtown Hartford firm that focuses on LGBTQ family law. Its two female partners also happen to be married to each other.

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