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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Neck Top

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A woman wearing a blue long sleeve sheer top and white leggings

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I love a good tie-neck top, and this one from Gemma + Jane comes in a huge selection of colors for a great price. The cut is a bit boxier than I would normally choose, but it’s a good length for tucking in, which suits me just fine.

I’ve been looking for a navy top, so that’s the color that caught my eye, but it also comes in six other solids and two prints. For under $30, this would be a great option if you’re looking to build out a work wardrobe on a budget. 

The top is $26.97 at Nordstrom Rack and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

Some of our latest favorite secretary blouses for work in 2025 include ones from Quince, Kobi Halperin, M.M.LaFleur, and White House Black Market.

secretary blouse with a tie neck detail for work
Quince (exact)
A woman wearing a white and red long sleeve tie-neck polo top and dark denim pants with red belt
J.Crew
secretary blouse with a tie neck detail for work
White House Black Market (exact)
woman wears tie neck blouse in silk
Kobi Halperin

Sales of note for 3/10/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + 20% off
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale and select styles with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off everything + extra 20% off when you buy 3+ styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off all pants & sweaters; extra 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Flash sale until midday 3/14: $50 off every $200 – combineable with other offers, including 40% off one item and 30% off everything else

251 Comments

  1. How long do you give yourself to figure out if a size change is permanent (so toss the old size/s)? Is it like pregnancy, where it is 9 months on, 9 months off? Like if you had a chronic illness followed by a terminally ill parent plus perimenopause, give yourself the grace of a year before forcing any hard decisions (if you have space for some Rubbermaid tubs, and definitely with a new capsule wardrobe)? Assume all pieces at issue are lined wool pants (which you really can’t even buy) or beautiful expensive dresses you would love to wear again.

    1. I would give it a year. So at least you would be back in the same season of clothing. And factor in whether changes were being made, or the situation was on-going. Meanwhile, I would definitely dress the body I had.

      1. What is hard for me in peri is that I can’t even dress the body I have. My boobs are the same size they were two sizes ago. So my stomach is the most projecting part of me and just sizing up in a dress won’t work at all — the top is baggy and sad. I need those two-piece machines for a dress like look and a whole new dress shape to even hope of working. And lots of lady jackets to balance out my halves and bulk up the top half. And it’s not fibroids — it’s just the new me.

        1. There’s a youtube stylist by the name of Melissa Murell and she has several videos that are really helpful for dressing with an apple body type and large tummy. I find her incredibly helpful and informative without being overly salesy. My two favorites from her on this are: “How to hide a larger stomach” and the second video is “Body Shape Master Class 7.” She has a couple other body master class videos that might be more applicable but overall it was so helpful.

          1. I’ll have to check her out – like the poster you’re replying to, I’m in perimenopause and I feel like I’m allllll belly. It’s been frustrating.

    2. I have lost 20 pounds due to stress in the past 2 months. It is about ten percent of my body weight so sure I should try to keep it off. But thinking about that is stressful, too! I don’t even know if I want this body weight at this point. I’d much rather have manageable stress.

      If I only had nice clothes, I’d wonder what I slept in and worked out in and lazed around in. I think this obviously fictional person has other things to worry about than her new body, but maybe I am just projecting, sorry.

      1. I read it as only interested in saving special or hard to replace items. Or maybe things like sweatshirts fit at any size? But not like saving pajamas and leggings.

        1. Ah. Well. I saved these items at all sizes until I didn’t, due to lifestyle change more than size change. I think I gave myself 6-9 months for the lifestyle change, as the seasons roll around, would I wear this New England parka in the sunbelt? Maybe but also if it doesn’t fit – that’s two strikes. Gone.

    3. If you have space for the Rubbermaid, and are describing the you might get rid of as Hard Decisions – friend, use the storage bins! It sounds like life is FULL of hard decisions for you right now – please don’t put even more on yourself, when it sounds like there’s no real harm to putting it off. Maybe the clothes will fit you again some day. Maybe a few years from now you’ll have had time to do some in depth searching and tailoring and have new stuff you love so much and fits you well, and the old is no longer appealing. Give yourself all the grace you can in this hard time – there will be other times later to optimize

    4. I just tuck the stuff not my current size into the bins and don’t worry about it. Life happens. Get through this extremely stressful time without judgement and see where you are on the other side. With meno I went up a size and then back down again, but with a different configuration. So I am wearing most of my smaller size pieces again, except for some where I need the larger size still. I buy classic clothing and have it tailored, so the pieces were great to have waiting for me.

    5. It took me 2.5 years to lose the pregnancy weight. Granted, I was very fit beforehand and almost 40 when I gave birth; however, it was more like 6 months on, 30 months off.

      I saved some pieces that I really like and are hard to replace (formal dresses, suits, silk blouses, wool skirts). Other things got tossed.

      What helped: understanding that I needed to put something on my body in the interim, and those clothes were going to cost money. I got a lot off Poshmark, with the plan of upgrading if/when weight changes became permanent.

    6. I’m a purger. I’d get rid of all of it unless it had sentimental meaning, for example, I will not get rid of my wedding dress. Pants never look right in the future so even if you’re that size again in a year, they will look off because they’ll be extra old at that point. There’s always a better more stylish dress out there too and if you have an event you need a dress for, you’ll probably want something new anyway. My closets are 99.9% only things I want to wear right now and .1% sentimental, like the wedding dress and maybe 1-2 other similar pieces. It doesn’t mean I don’t have old things, it just means it all fits the size I am today and I enthusiastically love what’s in there. The TL/DR get rid of things.

      1. “Pants never look right in the future”
        This describes every fashion trend since Bloomer and her bicycle you are correct. Thank you for explaining it so succinctly.

        1. I used to subscribe to this notion, but recently I have regretted purging some well-made classic items from around 2003 that actually would not look terribly dated now–a pair of wide-legged trousers and a Brooks Brothers pant suit with a jacket that was neither shrunken nor oversized and straight-legged mid-rise pants, all in lovely wool fabric with a lining. I got rid of them when pants and suits went out of fashion and all we were wearing was sheath dresses, but now my sheath dresses feel tired and those trousers and that suit would fit the general aesthetic without being trendy. Well-tailored lined wool pants and very nice dresses are worth saving because all you will be able to buy in the future is cheap ill-fitting garbage.

          1. I feel like I have struggled mightily to make the pants of the present work. If there were an executive kaftan, I would buy it and just live in things like that.

          2. Yeah I have some really nice wide-legged trousers from 2007/2008 that are still going strong. I didn’t touch them during the skinny pant years, but they were well made and I thought they might come back around, and now they’re back in the regular rotation.

          3. To be clear, I kept those things too because they looked great on me. That is the test. My style is well defined and while I follow some trends, I don’t follow everything. But I still maintain, if it doesn’t look good on you today, it’s not going to look good on you tomorrow or at some future point. You’re both not describing that, you got rid of things based solely on style.

      2. I dislike shopping and need a lot of my clothes tailored, so I am a lot more hesitant. I get more compliments on the clothes I’ve had tailored to fit than on what’s in style anyway.

        1. This. Get your clothes tailored to be flattering and they will be much less likely to look out of style.

        2. Respectfully, that’s not what I’m saying. I have a lot tailored too, in fact I tailor almost all my clothes. But if they don’t fit and you don’t love it today, get rid of it. It’s not going to magically become great later.

          1. I still don’t really understand; I think that would only be true if I only ever gained weight and never lost it again?

            For clothing that fits me throughout weight changes, like forgiving wrap dresses, cardigans, sweaters, etc., I keep them and wear them for several years if that is how long they last. So I’m not sure why I’d toss pants just because they’re too tight one year when I’m dealing with abdominal swelling, weight gain, and water retention, when it’s likely I’ll be able to wear them for several more years once they fit again, and they’ll fit a lot better than anything off the rack.

            Even though I like fashion, I don’t enjoy shopping and getting things tailored, so I try to minimize the need to spend my time that way.

          3. I think it depends on whether you are more into trendy/looks current clothes vs flattering regardless of trends – there’s definitely clothes that sunny look “on trend” but don’t look “terribly dated” either. If you keep and wear stuff for several years (longer than a trend cycle) when your weight & shape are stable, you’re probably good pulling them out a year from now and seeing if they fit

          4. Even if you lose weight, it’s not necessarily in the same places weight was gained. Bodies change over time even at the same weight.

          5. It is not about gaining or losing weight. Those things happen over time. Your body also changes over time even if you’re the same weight. I have never experienced a gain or loss where I have suddenly liked old pants or dresses again. The styles change – rises, pleats, flared, straight, sleeves, waists, mini, midi, maxi. I don’t believe in wearing suboptimal things just because they “fit,” I want to love what I wear. So again, I stand by purge things that don’t work today, they aren’t going to work tomorrow. That doesn’t mean your whole closet goes all the time – my jackets always fit regardless of size changes – but get rid of what’s no longer serving you.

    7. In the situation you describe – I would keep all the nice clothes I would have loved to wear right now if they fit, as long as you can get them out of your closet and packed away both physically and mentally. Keep them as nice surprises.

      I have sometimes stalked Depop and Vinted to find a new size of an old favorite, while the old one is packed away.

    8. Personally, for hard-to-buy things like lined pants and beautiful dresses I would just pack it up and keep them. I keep all my suits, for example, and I am now fitting into wool suits from many years ago because I am fitter. They do not fit the same way they used to, but they fit!

    9. Similar scenario, and I put all the nice stuff in a Rubbermaid tote and hoped for the best. Now it’s 2 years later, and that stuff still doesn’t fit, unfortunately, despite my best efforts. My body is just different. I need to purge it but am having a hard time doing so because I’m sad that person no longer exists.

      So, I vote keep your stuff for a full year, and if it still doesn’t work then, it’s not likely to again.

    10. I store things in rubbermaid tins and have pulled it out and reworn items after like 10 years of storage. I don’t really need the extra room in my basement so in my case, why not store?

    11. I do the Rubbermaid thing for seasonal clothing. Fortunately I have an attic to put them in.

      So when I’m taking out my spring/summer clothing this spring, anything I put away last year that I didn’t really wear last year, I ask myself whether I really will wear it this year? If not, then it goes.

      Whether I won’t wear it for size reasons, or I just don’t like it as much as I thought I would when I bought it. It’s got to go. I don’t have infinite space for storage.

    12. I am saving a lot of old pieces.

      For background, I got pregnant almost 3.5 years ago and even though I’ve lost the weight quickly, I am still breastfeeding. My breasts are a bit too large for some of my old button-down garments, that I otherwise like.

      Also, I am currently working from home, but I might be returning to the office at some point this or next year.

      Sure, clothes go out of fashion. They are also expensive and some styles are relatively timeless. Re-using is ecological too. I still wear a leather A-line skirt that my mother bought in the 80s as a teenager. I have classic skirts that I own for twenty years and I still enjoy wearing. Fashion is also relatively less important when it comes to camisoles, sweatshirts, etc. (at least for me).

      Occasionally, I go through the items and get rid of items that I will no longer want to wear. As long as I have space to store them, I see it as an option.

  2. If you have the space, hold on to nice things you’d like to wear and would be hard to buy again. I also have a chronic illness that causes weight gain and loss and I’ve gone back to things many years later. I have a hard time finding clothes that I like that fit me well and I’d have to spend all of my time and money shopping if I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe every time I went up or down a size. I wouldn’t worry so much about things that are already worn out or out of style or you don’t really like, but the things you really like are worth keeping a while longer.

  3. I want work heels that are like a 1/2 to 1” heel. Not flats but not with any real height to them. Where can you get this in 2025? Have tons of higher heels and my flats are too casual. I need a daily driver for a business/ casual office that has maybe 50% external meetings where I need to be more formal.

    1. A good budget option for me that got a lot of compliments was the Kelly & Katie Shenna pump (~$40 on dsw).

      Carmina shoemaker is more expensive (a little over $400) and great for loafers and boots, which for me tend to be the perfect in-between for my workday (previously consulting, now tech) and after-hours drinks.

      I also thrifted a pair of Jimmy Choo kitten heels that sort of fit what you’re describing, but they were slingback which for me is a no-go except in casual summer settings.

      I’m still searching for the perfect investment heel, so will be following this thread :)

    2. I like the Cole Haan skimmer line. They have low heels but look dressy enough for the office. They also have some pointed toe loafers that I like.

    6. The Steve Madden Cherish looks like a ballet flat with a small heel. It’s plastic, though.

    8. If you have the budget, the Ferragamo Vera is really what you are looking for. I held off on them for years as I associated them with Grandma, but there is a reason they’ve stuck around for decades. With a good cobbler, they are indestructible.

    9. I have the Kate Spade Miko kitten heels from nordstrom rack and they’re super comfortable. About a 1 inch heel.

  4. Does anyone know any good career coaches for mid-career BigLaw attorneys? I’m doing fine but just surviving from one crisis to the next (for a decade plus) and want to figure out wtf should I be doing now that I’m crisis free at the moment? I don’t have any great internal mentors and am in a weird niche as an individual contributor (but with a book of business, so I get a lot of autonomy). Would love to make the case for getting a dedicated vs shared associate but have never figured that out, what a 5year plan looks like, succession planning, when / whether a firm switch makes sense. IDK where even to start.

    1. Not legal specific but Amelia Noel / Breaking Free from the Grind would help with all this. Listen to the podcast to see if she’s for you.

  5. I’m starting to think I might need a career change and am curious what other people would do, so two questions. What is your current profession? If you had to leave your current profession but still needed to make close to your current income, what would you do?

    1. I work in communications for a university. If I lost my job I’d try to build a freelance writing and editing career. I’ve had opportunities to do some freelance work but unfortunately strict university conflict rules prevent me from building a side business while working here, and it’s scary to walk away from a steady income to start fresh. But if I got let go, I would try to make a go of it.

      1. Same career. I think I am so burned out on communications that I can’t fathom doing it on my own. I really have no idea what to do with myself after this long.

        1. My freelance career would be in a niche field that interests me a lot more than higher ed! But I hear you, the burnout is real and the last five years have been a hard time to be in higher ed.

      2. I also work in comms — right now for a healthcare nonprofit but previously for a wider variety of big brands. I quit an amazing comms job in 2019 to try my hand at building a freelance business (and because my first book was coming out so the timing felt right), and I hated it so, so much — constantly hustling to find clients was the worst. A few months later, pandemic, and boom, half my business dried up, only for it to balloon again a few months later. And then because books weren’t selling during shutdown, my third book was postponed for a full year, which affected finances too. The inconsistency was so stressful that after 1.5 years of freelance I made a beeline back to fulltime and I will never look back. I need the stability too much!

        That said, if I were to leave comms, I’d do something entirely different, like go to nursing school. But I do think something like strategy and insights would be a good pivot from comms that still keeps you in the business world.

    2. I work in cybersecurity, in a nontechnical (ops & strategy) role. To make the same income, I’d probably pivot into a compliance leader position, or aim to be chief of staff to a risk leader of some kind.

      But in reality, since I’m comfortable with a paycut, I’d probably go all-in on establishing & owning the workout studio I’ve been dreaming about for the past several years, and see if I could make it work.

      1. Hello, work twin! I was laid off from my cyber strategy / GRC / chief of staff role last year and I would go full chief of staff as a first choice. NOT risk/compliance leader because compliance annoys me. Second choice would be going back to intelligence analysis, which is how I got into cyber to begin with. Third choice would be focusing on comms and training, which was a small part of my previous roles but with the most potential for fun.

        If I didn’t need to keep my same salary level, Trader Joe’s crew member.

    3. I work in the tech industry but do a lot of comms-adjacent work (marketing, writing, etc). I’ve often thought of pivoting to being an editor or copywriter.

      If I could do anything I would probably be a historian.

    4. I work in hospital administration. If I had to leave my profession, I would retrain in my clinical capacity so I could renew my lapsed license and return to clinical work. I wouldn’t make quite as much as I do now, but if I did some traveling stints, nights, etc. I could get close enough.

    5. Environmental policy. If I had to switch but could make waaaay less, I’d love to be a full time adjunct professor. If I needed to make the same amount I’m pretty stuck since all of my value comes from my specialized policy knowledge.

    6. I work in marketing. If I had to pivot and keep a reasonable level of income, I’d go into coaching for public speaking.

    7. In-house counsel. I am actually not sure what I could do to make this much money that wouldn’t require another degree. I am very well paid. I guess high level compliance exec?

  6. I joined a barre studio and really enjoy it, but almost everyone is a lean 20-something. I usually wear a performance shirt and leggings, but if the shirt is too loose it will fly up and expose my flabby stomach during certain floor exercises. If it’s too tight it will accentuate every roll on my belly. Any suggestions on what to wear?

    2. Wear a tighter tank top underneath, if you otherwise like what you have. You could also partially tuck in the shirt during certain moves – like twist some material at the bottom and tuck that portion when you’re doing things that would make it fly up.

    3. Higher rise leggings or a tight top under a looser one. That might be sufficiently uncomfortable to just decide it’s not worth worrying about, but maybe you can find something that works.

    4. I used to go to barre classes all the time and I was one of the young skinny girls. I never thought anything but positive thoughts for the overweight women who were coming in and working hard just like me. I’d definitely wear a more form fitting top with leggings.

      1. Likewise. I was once not that long ago one of the skinny 20 year olds in reformer Pilates. I specifically went to a location that had more middle age women and it was so inspiring to see how women continued to make time for their health at different stages of life. You do you, but I literally never once thought a thing about someone’s body or clothes.

      2. +1 I was one of the young skinny girls and looked up to the more mature clientele. Now that I’m 13 years older than I was then, I aspire to the fitness level the 50-something women in my class maintain.

      3. +1 I always liked the community aspect of group barre and Pilates classes and have never had a negative thought about the other women in them.

    5. I wish I could remember the brand, but I used to wear a body suit at barre that covered my legs down to my ankles and had a tank top-eque upper that took care of my need for a sports bra, then I’d just wear a tighter tshirt or top over it.

      I didn’t mind the young 20 somethings, but I very much minded how packed it got and how people got into my space, even during the noon classes where I had to move heaven and earth to get to from work, so I had to stop going. I would have loved to make the 8 or 9 a.m. classes, but work made that impossible.

      1. I wear a one-piece like that for yoga from Beyond Yoga. Highly recommend. It works great with a t-shirt on top.

    6. I do a lot of yoga inversions and I am far from young and lithe. I wear Momentum seamless or With Ease cinched(must be cinched side version) tops from Athleta a lot. They’re fitted enough not to fly up but they don’t cling. The Swiftly hip length from Lulu also works but NOT the Swiftly relaxed.

      1. These all come in different sleeve length options/tanks but here are some examples:

        With Ease cinched top:

        https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=824684082&vid=1&searchText=with%20ease#pdp-page-content

        Momentum:
        https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=824699122&vid=1&searchText=momentum#pdp-page-content

        Swiftly:
        https://shop.lululemon.com/p/womens-t-shirts/Swiftly-Tech-SS-2/_/prod9750519?color=68772

        https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=563904052&vid=1&searchText=momentum#pdp-page-content

    7. 1) keep going!
      2) I wear long performance shirts, both athleta and old navy have them.

      1. 100 percent agree on wearing what’s functional. 100 percent agree on the underlying sentiment of do what suits you, it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks.

        100 percent disagree on the nobody’s looking at your body, though. I look at *everybody’s* body. I will notice if you change your style and appearance, if you wear the same outfit twice in the same week, if you went to the hair dresser’s at lunch, if you did your nails, if you have a massive zit, if you had lash extentions, if your laundry mildewed, if you look in love, if you take antidepressants, if your socks are really cute. I genuinely will notice.

        But I notice because I notice things, not because it matters to me what kind of workout shirt people wear.

  7. Looking to take our then-15-month-old to Banff in early May. Yes I know it’s shoulder season and access to some of the lakes may be closed, and we’re okay with that. Thinking of doing a couple nights in Calgary as well, and potentially staying at the Fairmont in Banff. Would love any other recs of easy baby-friendly activities!

    1. Calgary is basically a giant suburb it’s not really much of a place to visit. The Fairmont in Banff is amazing though!

    2. Seconding that the Fairmont in Banff is amazing.
      If you have one, take the kid backpack. One of the trails from the resort to town takes you past a waterfall then along the river with art by local artists and groups (school kids, clubs, etc.). It’s lovely. We found the art trail with only one morning left in our stay, if we ever go back, I’d walk it every morning and linger at a different spot each time. Just beautiful.
      Rent a trail stroller. There’s a lot of beautiful, rugged outdoors where you’ll want to stop and take it all in without worrying that the 15mo will dart off to fall off into a river or whatever. (Maybe your 15mo will be less of a flight risk than mine was, but I was more able to relax on hikes with her strapped in either to the backpack or stroller.)
      The kids activity center is nice. If your kiddo likes dogs, go see their black lab for a few pats or go along for a walk.

    3. If you can swing it, I’d split between Fairmont Lake Louise and Banff. The Lake Louise hotel is right on the lake and there are plenty of short hikes that you can just walk to from the hotel. At Fairmont Banff, be sure to look at all the offering for free from the hotel. Also, if you need a low key distraction, find the hotel dogs (normally in the adventure office). They are super chill, quasi therapy dogs for guests.

    4. We spent so much time in Banff when our kids were babies and toddlers. Second the idea of hiking with a backpack/trail stroller if you have (or maybe can rent?). There are lots of gentle easy trails you could take them on if you just want to let them toddle. Also there is a playground in downtown Banff.

      In Banff, get the Fairmont guys to drive you up to Sulfur Mountain and take the gondola up. If you don’t do that you can take the Roam Bus which the baby might love. Don’t drive up there – there’s extremely limited parking!. I don’t recommend hiking Sulfer in May as there will probably still be a bit of snow at the top and the trail is a little treacherous if so. You can also visit the hot springs pool with them after that. The Springs has its own great pool and the halls are fun for babies to run in.

      Lake Louise is also lovely and the Chateau is gorgeous. A hike to the Lake Agnes teahouse with babe in the backpack is a nice way to spend part of a day. Maybe take a lunch though as it can be a long wait in line (assuming it’s open in May – I can’t recall).

      If you do spend time in Calgary, the Calgary Zoo is a good outing for babies. There’s a small amusement park on the edge of Calgary that I don’t necessarily recommend but some people are into that. It has everything a big city has and can be enjoyable if you want shopping and all that.

  8. I need some new tops for work and I don’t know where to start. 33 and new-ish mom. Part of my problem is that I’m still BFing so my b00bs are relatively big compared to my waist…what styles look good with that body type without looking frumpy or having fabric pull across the chest but be loose at the waist?

    2. Do you wear a BF br@? If so, would you consider button-down options?

      I think i recall wearing the BF tank tops under everything like camisoles. Special pumping and BF and yes maternity tops are useful for this phase

  10. I used to love needlework but my eyes are failing me. Can I set some of those glasses that surgeons use? Otherwise, even with good prescription progressive readers and good lighting, I can’t do it anymore.

    1. Yes (you don’t need the medical grade stuff; but yes there are equivalents) – google “magnifying lamp for reading” or “jewelers loupe” or similar and you will find options — lots of tools for people who do detailed work. There are versions meant to sit on the floor (like a tall lamp on a flexible stem so you can put it next to an armchair and bend it over when you need it), table top versions, and visor/goggles versions. Several of my relatives have used these successfully to keep up with close-vision hobbies!

    2. You can buy a magnifying glass on a stand that’s meant for needlework! Look at needlework/craft supply shops or Amazon.

      1. Just be attentive to how you position this kind of lamp relative to a window, especially when you’re not using it. My mom burned a hole in my couch with one of these when she wasn’t using it but left it out in my living room.

        1. Haha I’m sorry about your couch and glad she didn’t start a house fire, but that is like something out of a movie! Good warning, because I could totally see that happening to me.

      2. yes! i bought one years ago for my parents and inlaws to use when helping the kids with legos or other small projects, and it’s sat largely unused until last summer when i decided to pull it out for some seeds I’d saved from the garden. Much better! it has a magnifying glass and a lamp.

    3. Specifically, Ottlite floor lights are wonderful. They also make a magnifying light that hangs around your neck. What type of needlework are you doing? If you are doing anything with aida/evenweave/linen, I’d recommend changing your fabric count also. The difference in fabric count can be amazing.

    4. And yes you can definitely get those glasses but not sure how. Search terms might be for lab glasses or crafting menswear or hobby glasses or specialist glasses

      1. lol lens wear not menswear
        But I do think men wear these glasses too for crafting with miniatures and probably even sewing and needlework! Why not!

      2. If you mean what I am thinking of, the term is loupes but they are super expensive (like $2,000+).

    5. I know someone who’s been very happy with a pair of +5 reading glasses to do fiddly embroidery. Just some cheap ready made ones.
      If you do a lot of stitching, a proper magnifying light would be worth investing in.

  11. I go on a lot of work trips to a tropical country and do site visits. I can dress “nice casual” but it needs to generally be something you’d wear to your grandmas house and generally looser and more covered up. Sleeveless with broad sleeves is fine.

    Any suggestions for straight legged pants with pockets, made of cotton or linen, that would work for this? Similarly, for long dresses?

    Alternatively, what search terms should I use? Maxi dresses gets you vacation wear.

    The clothes I have that get a lot of wear are a pair of linen pants from Madewell and a white button down. Probably looking for safari chic but a little less safari.

    1. Old Navy reliably sells linen pants every spring/summer that are workhorses for me.

      1. I lean into the ‘flowy on flowy-art teacher-who wishes she was rolling up to the patio bar instead of this zoom meeting -crumpled linen’ look in the hot weather – tech casual workplace.
        The old navy linen wide leg pants and one of their linen button ups a size up over a flowy tank are what I wear 90% of the days I go into the office between May and September. Black wide leg + black tank + non-black over shirt for contrast and a fun shoe.

    2. I’d look at LL Bean and Orvis for linen pants and tops. Also Eileen Fisher, especially if you’d like skirts and dresses.

    4. +1 to Old Navy linen pants. I am not a big fan of the store but enjoyed wearing these this summer. They had a couple of cotton pant styles I also liked

      Also, check Loft for cotton twill pants in multiple colors with a bit of stretch but not too much

    9. Agree with the Old Navy linen pants recommendation. I have a silk caftan dress thing from Massimo Dutti that is a workshorse for me in similar circumstances (I travel a lot internationally in academic contexts) — Massimo Dutti might have some simple dress shapes that work, link to follow and perhaps COS. Honestly if you find a silhouette or model that you like, I would take it to a dressmaker or tailor, perhaps in one of the countries you are traveling in, and have them make multiples in pretty fabric. There’s nothing sadder than showing up for a conference in India, Malaysia or Ghana in the standard tasteful neutrals that make up the usual US business attire.

    10. If you’d like something less crumply than linen, Talbots (of all places) chinos are nice cotton pants that can look business casual appropriate.

    12. i’ve recently picked up great linen pants from madewell & athleta – neither are see through which can be a struggle with linen.

    13. flowy wide-leg pants with sleeveless button-up collard shirts is a good tropical business casual outfit for women. Wear with chunky-heeled strappy sandals. A linen-cotton blend will show fewer wrinkles than all linen. You can throw a cardigan over your shoulders for indoor air conditioning. If you need to wear something a little more dressy or formal, you can look for a faux v0neck wrap dress made of synthetic knit with 3/4 sleeves. You can bunch it up and stuff it in the bottom of your carry-on, shake it out upon arrival, and even rinse it out and quick drip dry in a hotel room if necessary. Wear that with bare legs and a modest heel.

  12. Anyone have a recommendation for a telehealth provider of glp-1s?

    General feedback also appreciated.

    From reading reviews, it seems like mounjaro (or compounded equivalent) is preferable if given then choice?

    1. Compounded trizipatide (mounjaro) will not be available starting in March because the shortage is over, so most (reputable) places will not start you on that now since it’s only got 3 more weeks, give or take.

      1. +1 I’ve been using Henry Meds, though may switch before my next refill bc more providers are coming available and appear cheaper.

        1. I also use Henry Meds (down 50 in 11 months!) and have just decided to start looking around at other options, because I think pricing elsewhere is better now. But other than that I’ve had a great journey with Henry.

    3. Are you going for compound because your insurance isn’t going to pay for any of the glp-1s? If you have insurance coverage, I’d start with Wegovy and move to Zepbound once you max out on Wegovy and hit a plateau.

      1. Yes, honestly in a deep in the sandwich generation phase of my life where I have more money than time.

        I’d prefer to just go the telehealth route than wait 6 months to see my PCP and then fight with insurance.

        1. Another poster noted for you that compounds may be impossible to get soon. If you have enough money to throw at it, I’d still go with Wegovy or Zepbound. There are coupons that can reduce the cost even without insurance ($650 vs $1400 per month). Depending on dose and area, some of the lower doses of Wegovy might still be hard to get which means you will have to invest some time into hunting down an in stock pharmacy. I think telehealth providers are perfectly fine so long as they are following the recommendations regarding starting doses and you aren’t on any other medications. I’ve heard some horror stories of people starting on higher doses of these drugs.

    4. I know you didn’t ask, but this is a terrible idea. Go talk to your general practitioner. Many are happy to prescribe them. I just went to see mine to talk about it and she pointed out some potential issues with other medicines i take and said she has had quite a few patients have medical issues using telehealth for this. My doctor had plenty of patients and does not gain anything by sharing this advice.

      1. Appreciate your concern but I did 10 years of fertility treatments to get my kids.

        I don’t think three months of glp1 is going to be what does me in.

        1. I think she’s saying that using a telehealth provider is a terrible idea because they will not consider all the factors your regular physician will consider.

          2. Yes I’m the anon at 10:18 and that is what i meant. I’m considering the meds myself, so def not suggesting they are “bad,” but I’m more cautious/risk averse than many and am just not into telehealth with random providers for something like this

      2. That;s good that your PCP caught that. Mine happily prescribed me Wegovy after I asked, didn’t notice it is not to be prescribed to someone who is on the anti-seizure med that I am on (and she knows about. It is in my file), and I had my first seizures in 5 years after 2 months of Wegovy.

        1. I’m sorry that happened. I’ve learned the hard way to double check everything with a pharmacist; I always say “yes” to the pharmacist consult so I can sit down and check contraindications and interactions before paying. My doctors don’t seem to have time to check.

    5. Not compounded but if you are open to the brand name (and more expensive) drugs, I have been using Sequence (the WW-affiliate) and they have been great. Very responsive, they will help you locate the drugs if you are having an issue, and they have been conservative on the dosing to the extent my insurance would let them. And if you need other support (like a nutritionist, etc.) they offer that as well.

    6. i switched from compounded tirzepatide to going through eli lily directly for vials of zepbound — you can only get .25 and .5 sent to you in the mail, but a lot of people stop at .5 anyway. it’s $399 for 4 weeks of .25 (but i got about 6-7 weeks out of mine) and $549 for .5 (but i got about 6 weeks out of mine). super fast shipping, easy, i’ve never had a problem with them being out. they just started this in september so your doctor may not know about it.

  13. Can someone explain this like I’m 85: If I want to link up documents on a couple of different computers but am concerned about hacking and security, is my only option a physical server? Is there any point to that if we’re still backing the physical servers up to “the cloud”?

    1. You can set up your own server, but if security is your concern, you’re better off leaving it to the pros and backing up to OneDrive or your preferred vendor. You can encrypt through documents if you like. Unless you are a cybersecurity professional, and even if you are, setting up your own is much more likely to have vulnerabilities.

    2. If you’re going to have any of the computers connected to the Internet at all (including, like you said, having a cloud backup), you are better off using an off-the-shelf commercial product. And set up non-sms 2FA authentication for your login to that 3rd party.

    3. Anything can be hacked, even your physical server. There are real security advantages to cloud. What is your concern about the cloud and who would be setting up and maintaining your physical server?

    4. If you’re already backing up to the cloud, I don’t see the point of investing in physical servers. Just share things from the cloud.

    5. Different clouds have different security structures. And even with a physical server, you’d have to manage access so as someone said you are probably better off using a third party provider. In theory, you could set up a physical server and have people use FTP (file transfer protocol) to access it or something like Citrix.

  14. Success stories from anyone whos built in a consistent physical activity or strength work starting from absolute 0 as an adult? The absolute 0 part especially.

    I have the muscle tone and strength of a wet noodle. And I want this to change as I get into my 30s…aging and overal health. I just had a physical and my overall weight is appropriate for my height and age etc but I could use some muscle.

    I have never ever, not once, ever been interested in sport or physical activity beyond an occassional 40 minute bike ride or 5 mile walk and I hate sweating.

    I walk about 5-15 miles a week between my commute and for fun and would happily go on a walk pretty much every day so Im not completely sedentary. But this year I want to build in a physical/strength activity atleast 1x a week.

    I have a small local gym a 2 min walk from my home, but would like to start with a base of bodyweight movements at home and maybe a set of dumbells while I figure out what works for my schedule.

    If I can commit to other things in my life that I do daily or weekly, this is something I should be able to do as well.

      2. To expand on behalf of 10:51; I’ve been following the StrongCurves programming (free), which accommodates for low-equipment exercises and is designed for people starting without a base. I mix and match the workouts to fit my unpredictable work schedule but am enjoying being much more toned than I was a few months ago.

    2. I was able to do this from absolute zero. Like you, I walked everywhere, so I wasn’t sedentary. A few months after giving birth, I felt terrible — anxious, weak, out of touch with my body. I went to a group circuit class at a local gym with a very welcoming, accepting vibe. When I got to the sit-up station, I literally could not do one single sit-up. Not one! I decided to shrug it off and figured that I could only improve from there. I started to like the way I felt after exercise. Being strong feels so good! That’s been my focus ever since. It’s been almost ten years now. I’m in my late 40s, and I can do 3 sets of 40 full push-ups on any given day. It sort of bums me out that I spent the first 30+ years of my life without this kind of strength.

    3. You can look online for routines.

      I always have an audiobook that I only listen to at the gym which motivates me to go.

    4. Fitness Blender. They have lots of free, bodyweight only workouts on their site. You could start with the Level 1 or 2 exercises. I mostly do their workout programs, because a video is picked out for me each day and it’s one less thing I have to think about.

      I’m now 47 and didn’t start working out consistently until 2020. I started with a goal of 2-3 days a week and moved up to 4 days a week. I’ve now gotten to the point, where I actually want to exercise and it feels good to reach my goal each week.

      I definitely had some stumbles along the way, but I didn’t beat myself up if I missed a week. I just tried to get back on track the next week.

      Good luck!

    6. I did Orangetheory from 0! I like that I did not have to make any decisions or buy any equipment. Just get dressed, show up a few times a week, and do what I’m told. I went from a flabby, sedentary size 16 to a fit size 6-8. I run for fun, which is shocking to anyone who has known me for years.

      You are walking for miles, so you are ahead of how I was when I started. You don’t ever need to run at OTF; just powerwalk during the treadmill portion.

        1. Not the poster, but I joined OTF a few months ago. I’m a size 14. I wasn’t starting from zero, but I had accumulated quite a bit of fluffiness. Haven’t felt any judgment whatsoever. I see a range of body types and ages at my studio, which is really encouraging.

        2. I can’t answer for Orange Theory, but I have some thoughts.

          I wonder if it isn’t the class per se, but more the area in which it’s located. I used to go to a gym near my office, and the vast majority of people there were middle aged office people. I took a class that was based on Orange Theory and the majority of people were 40-50+ years old. So the instructor instructed accordingly.

          If you want to go the class route, maybe that’s something to consider – the population make up of where the class is located.

        3. Not at all! The vibe is very upbeat and positive. I started with a giant belly and no one cared. The first time we ran the mile, I was dead last by a long shot and I could barely finish. The coach was very encouraging. A friend of mine started OTF as a size 20+ and she said everyone was very positive.

    7. If you already love walking you could look at adding a weighted vest to give that activity some more oomph. It will make a difference and maybe give you the push to then get some dumbbells at home.

    8. I was able to start a pretty intense strength training program at 48 from nothing. I started with walking then running for about 3 months, which led to pretty significant weight loss. It sounds like you are kind of at this place. Then I joined a gym where there are personal trainers assigned to members and they created supervised weekly workouts for me. It changed my life and at 50 I felt 5 years younger than I did when I started at 48. You can certainly do this at any age.

    9. I did this, starting from absolute zero to now having a regular strength routine with weights at home (that have progressed in heaviness). For me, I needed a no judgement place to start that was fun and also guided me on what to do, at least in the beginning. I found that via the Peloton app – I started first with the yoga & walking classes, then got my own bike, then ventured into the strength classes. I like that they have curated programs like Beginner Strength that give you a schedule/pre-selects the classes for you so that you just open the app and do what they tell you. There are also outside programs like Hardcore On The Floor that curate a schedule as well and make it really easy to follow, and the Peloton app can now build a personalized workout program for you.

      I started with the Beginner Strength program and little 3lb weights from Target. As I gained strength, I’ve continued to add weights from Target or from Marshall’s/TJMaxx. I also got some shoes made for strength workouts that has helped as well.

    10. This was me. I am plus 50. Never athletic, started from zero. During the pandemic, I started doing yoga at home on the Mirror which has since been purchased by Peloton and is awful (not knocking Peloton but the yoga vibe is off, IMHO). I got confident enough to find a local studio, NOT one of the national chain places full of HIT classes disguised as yoga. I felt comfortable and found amazing teachers. I got stronger and more flexible and last year actually got certified as a yoga teacher. I walk and I do a ton of vinyasa style yoga and that’s it. I hope you find something you love as much.

      1. Should add I also did strength training on the Mirror to get strong enough to chaturanga.

    11. op here – thanks for the reassurance that its possible!
      My bestie has also been trying to go from 0 to something herself. I just proposed some joint accountability and friendly peer pressure as I figure this out.

    12. If you hate getting sweaty, I’d try adding some yoga or pilates into your walking routine. It’s low impact and doesn’t have to be a huge workout where you get tired and sweaty. There are lots of great options on YouTube–Yoga with Adriene has lots of gentle practices, and Move with Nicole and Issa Welly both have very beginner friendly pilates options. I do think mat pilates can be a good place to start because it’s all body weight, and teaches you how to use your body with proper alignment and form.

      You know yourself best, but I’ll also plug going to a class in person. For me, having a commitment on my calendar that I make ahead of time, that I’ll be charged $20 for if I late cancel or no-show, makes me a lot more likely to follow through instead of going “eh I’m tired, I don’t really feel like it.” YMMV though.

      Finally: something is better than nothing, and don’t let finding the perfect most optimized workout be the enemy of getting started.

      Good luck, and I hope you’re able to find something that you enjoy! And if not enjoy, then not actively loathe, and grow to appreciate once you see how good it makes your body feel.

    13. You can do this! You may want to start with simple exercises first at home to build confidence until it becomes part of your weekly routine.

    14. I am in great shape from lifting at home in my bedroom for like 20 minutes, 4 times a week. Truly you can do it following videos from YouTube or wherever. For free videos, I like nourish move love. She has plans on her website. I am a plan person, so I have a schedule of what I’m going to do and then I just do the thing on the schedule.

    15. I did this. Somehow Facebook reels started showing me a bunch of core exercises and dumbbell exercises. I was inspired by those to start doing some stretching, core, and simple weights while I watch tv at night. I am over 40 now and I don’t want to lose muscle mass as I age. It works for my routine because I don’t have to leave my house, I can do it for a few minutes here and there while watching tv and taking breaks. I like Mommy Mango on Facebook for core exercises. Then my husband bought me a yoga mat which turns out to make floor exercises so much better (even on carpet).

    16. Start with planks in the morning next to your bed. 15 seconds to 30 seconds to longer once you get into it. It requires no time, no equipment, just a bit of space, and you can build up while building your core.

    17. I did, after getting a Dexa scan. I walked a lot previously but had zero strength (couldn’t open a can). I got a personal trainer, which was the best money I have ever spent. After 6 months where finally had some sense of what I was doing and good form, I added F45, where I strength train 2-3x a week. It is the best decision I ever made. I feel stronger and I am more toned at 35 than I have been in my whole life. I got another dexa scan a few weeks ago and my bone density is very slowly increasing. I think for me it was having the right motivation (osteoporosis) and the right help (I needed the trainer – I had weight lifted at home before but saw meh results because my form was terrible and I wasn’t lifting heavy enough had no idea).

    18. I wasn’t at absolute zero — had a treadmill and generally walked a lot, but when I was in my mid-fifties started with a personal strength trainer and did 2 half hour sessions a week — and I’m still doing them 7 years later. If you aren’t used to weight training, I’d a least start with a personal trainer so they teach you proper form. He also knows when I’ve plateaued and ups the weights/changes the routines when it gets too easy, and I don’t think I’d I have done that on my own. I’ve done the fitness blender workouts when I’m bored or on the road but that’s after I knew what I was doing.

      Some things to consider when you are looking/assessing a trainer: do they mix it up a lot or do you just do the same things over and over? He never has me do the same routine/sets the next session and we do a lot of body weight/on the Bosu/physio ball so it’s very core intensive and helps balance even if you are doing curls with dumbbells — nothing like a set balancing on one leg! Make sure you understand your goals and the trainer understands them too — mine were (and still are) retain mobility and gain strength. Ask around for recommendations; I found him through a friend’s sister and her criteria were “no touching and no yelling” which my trainer is great at! Assess your personal motivators too; I don’t like “rah rah you’re doing great,” I respond better to a matter of fact “I think you can do more” or “this might be hard” which I just take as a fun challenge. Ask how many clients like you the trainer has, including goals, ages, starting ability. If you are an absolute novice and the trainer isn’t correcting your form, find another trainer.

      Once you have a handle on what you are doing, then you can decide whether to go with an app or video workouts. It may be expensive to start with a trainer, but getting an injury can be more expensive and even minor injuries will set you back and discourage you. Good Luck!

  15. My partner and I did an analysis of all last year’s spending and I realized he didn’t spend a single penny on charity and it made me very uncomfortable. The bucket of money for selfish purchases was huge though. We both earn 6 figures and own our home, there is room in the budget to do good, he just doesn’t. Idk if it’s worth bringing up or not but I definitely view him differently. I guess I had assumed he was donating like I do whenever the urge struck and because it was a NBD common occurrence simply not mentioning it. I certainly don’t inform him every time I donate, but nope there were no donations.

    1. I feel like what’s the point of a partnership if you can’t have a conversation about it starting from the assumption that he is a decent person? Like, can you not say hey I was surprised by this, how do you feel about it, is this something you’re interested in doing, do you want to work together on figuring this out?

      Like don’t just silently sulk and judge him you may as well break up then.

      1. +1 start from curiosity and the assumption that he is a decent, well-meaning person. If that assumption turns out to be wrong, then judge away and reconsider the relationship.

        1. +1 And OP, this would bother me, too, but I’d at least start from the idea that it’s an oversight rather than a character flaw.

      2. There are many ways to be a good person, and donating funds is just one of them. I would not assume that someone was selfish or a bad person because they haven’t donated in a while. I don’t think randomly donating like the OP is even a useful giving strategy, so the strong sense of self-righteousness is very off-putting.

        1. Right. What a weird thing to judge your partner on. Does he help his parents or neighbors with chores? Does he coach or mentor? Either pool your money or mind your business.

        2. My dh doesn’t believe in making monetary donations to charities but he works a monthly shift in a food bank (and thinks everyone should do that for at least a while in their lives), mentors/tutors some high school students and takes the trash out/mows the lawn/runs errands for his mom and some of her elderly neighbors. I’m the one just writing the checks and not really putting in any effort.

        3. IDK – I feel like OP would not be asking this if he was volunteering time instead of money.

          Making more then six figures and he couldn’t throw a $20 or a $50 at any kind of charity even once in an entire year? I’d be a little judgy too.

          1. He volunteers zero time nor does he help our friends and family with favours. Sorry didn’t realize that was relevant info. Doesn’t help me either.

    2. We don’t donate a lot. We aren’t bad people, just concerned about healthcare costs, particularly if the Rs gut Medicare.

      1. FWIW we are Canadian so healthcare isn’t really a concern, we both also have iron clad pensions so saving for retirement isn’t a concern either.

        1. Does govt healthcare in Canada cover nursing homes w/memory care or a personal aide at home? Because health insurance in the US doesn’t, and that’s what can be financially ruinous for well-off people. A grandparent burned through multiple millions in less than a decade with dementia. I don’t think it’s silly to want big savings for that unless you’re very confident the government will cover it in full.

          1. Honestly, very people have multi-million dollar / high end dementia care at end of life. They spend down and are on Medicaid in a facility that accepts you when you can afford it, and doesn’t kick you out once you are on Medicaid. So if you have dementia running in your family, it is useful when you are older to know about the facilities near you (or move near one) that have good dementia care and accept some Medicaid patients after private pay is exhausted.

          2. Yes, I can get that many can’t afford this no matter what. But if you’re in a position to potentially save a lot for end of life care, it makes sense to me to hold off on the bulk of charitable contributions until it’s clear you don’t need the money.

            I’m not Canadian and am not up to date on what exactly the government covers in terms of nursing care, but it’s often pretty separate from regular healthcare and potentially worth saving for, even with government healthcare. Even if you don’t develop dementia, most people eventually need to be a nursing home and that’s an BIG expense for a typical middle class family.

            Also only early onset dementia is really genetic. Dementia in old age (80+) is very common and not hereditary so there’s really no way to predict if you’ll have it, but there’s a pretty high probability of it if you live well into your 80s.

          3. Nursing home care is also covered in Canada. It’s extra if you want private like the place my aunt is at with a swimming pool and bowling lane for the dementia patients but you only pay the top up. And most people have sold their home by that time and use that to fund extras.

      2. Yeah, I figure I can worry more about donating when I know I won’t need the money. I’d rather donate a lot when I’m old instead, should I have it.

        1. This is more where I fall. I could spend so, so much money on healthcare for me and my mom and relatives right now if I decided to address stuff that costs $$$$. But I’m nervous that I’ll wish I hadn’t if worse issues crop up in a worse economy soon from now.

    3. It sounds like you two keep separate finances?
      Start a discussion from a place of genuine curiosity about his view on charitable giving and see what you learn.
      Spouse and I do share finances and give a significant planned amount monthly, plus have a random/spontaneous giving line for things like friends fundraisers. It is fun to be aligned on this – good luck!

    4. Do you have entirely separate finances? I make all the donations but they’re for our family from joint income so I don’t think of them as “mine” any more than “his.”

      1. The only shared account we have is for our mortgage, we don’t really share expenses, there isn’t an “ours” pot of money.

        1. You pay for food separately? Utilities? Car insurance?

          This is just so foreign to me.

          1. He pays for his car and I pay for mine. We each pay different bills so he pays electricity and I buy groceries.

    5. This would also bother me. We don’t donate a lot but absolutely nothing would bother me. Like not hard these days to set an auto donate to various causes whether it’s a local underfunded school, a church or a charity like a food bank.

    6. You can shame him into making a donation to keep the peace. You cannot shame or change him into the kind of person who spontaneously wants to help strangers. This is who he is. It may be lack of empathy; it might be lack of imagination; it might be selfishness. All you can decide is whether that changes whether you want to be with him.

      Sorry.

      1. You are right, he definitely pretended to care and be more empathetic when we first got together so the mask coming off is upsetting.

        1. Kindly, grow up. Donations to charity is not a marker for how much your spouse cares about strangers.

          1. It does say something about your values though. It really does. And in my experience, your ability to empathize.

      2. I think it’s a bit dramatic to declare that he’s a certain kind of person. I didn’t grow up in a family with a minimum charitable donation amount in the budget and frankly didn’t realize people did this until seeing posts here. I would be offended and shocked if my spouse abruptly confronted me about being a lazy, selfish person. You can gently approach him and say I think we’re in a strong enough position that we should be regularly donating X amount each year, what do you think? His response will be more telling than the fact that he wasn’t giving away money unprompted.

      3. Different take: a lot of charities have overpaid executives, huge budgets, or aren’t exactly clear as to where the money goes. He may have analysis paralysis.

        Maybe talk together about goals, researching where money makes the most impact, etc.?

        1. To be clear when I say ‘charity’ I don’t mean exclusively tax deductible, just money spent for the good of others and society. For my own spreadsheet I counted covering a bunch of stray neutering for the local TNR and kitting out a teacher friends classroom for example. He didn’t do anything like that.

          1. I can see why you’d want to kind of check in on life philosophy if things are going well and a lot of money and time were spent on fun indulgences.

    7. If you want to bring it up, I’d start from a place of thoughts about charitable giving and curiousity. I am reading a negative judgment into your post because you said he spent a lot on “selfish purchases.”
      I don’t know what his situation is, but DH and I do not give money to charities. We do, however, each invest time in causes we believe in and we help financially support friends and family members on a regular basis. While none of these is technically charitable giving, the two activities certainly are in the same realm. Could he be doing this?
      Another thought is that perhaps this isn’t an interest of his but he isn’t opposed to it either. My parents have joint finances and my mom is very interested in charitable giving, so she handles all donations for both of them; if she died tomorrow, I doubt my dad would even think about charitable giving. He fully supports my mom’s donations and causes, but donations aren’t something he thinks about. Maybe your partner would be interested in joining you in the giving that you do, sending money to you to enlarge your funds to donate. Donations may not be on his radar of something for him to do.

      1. There is no volunteering or helping of others. He used to volunteer but he quit as soon as he got the job which the volunteering was resume padding for. Funny enough I actually help out his friends, and I fully kitted out one of his teacher friends classrooms last year.

        1. This sounds like a bigger issue than just donations. I’m pretty stingy about donations relative to my income and we plan to make our big donations at the end of our lives when we’re sure we won’t need the money. But he sounds really uninterested in helping others in general.

          1. But if you liked him before and this is an unusual change, it’s 100% worth a conversation! You’ll have a better sense of whether that conversation is:
            1 — I want to get more intentional with my charitable giving, do you want to join me in that?
            2– There’s so much suffering in the world right now – I’m so grateful for our relative safety and stability and trying to figure out how to help/how do we navigate the next 4 years. What do you think?
            3– What’s important to you in life right now? What do we want the next 20 years to look like/what values are important to me/you/us
            4–Honey, you’ve always seemed so empathetic and concerned with others – like when I met you, you were the guy driving all weekend to help friend decorate his new class room and secretly dropping off a gas cards at Neighbor’s house, but since you started New Job, it really seems like you’ve changed. What’s going on?

      2. Right. Most of my “charitable giving” doesn’t look that way on paper. I’ve paid the electric bill for a complete stranger who was on the verge of getting her electric shut off and therefore, evicted; I’ve given cash to people who don’t have enough money to buy groceries until there next pay cycle; I’ve bought untold numbers of diapers for struggling new moms.

        My actual tax deductible charitable giving is fairly minimal.

    8. It sounds like you don’t have a thoughtful, planned giving strategy and you give as the mood strikes you. Perhaps he doesn’t have the same spontaneous impulses. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, it means you should sit down together now and plan out your giving for the year.

      In my household we have three charities to which we give recurring amounts monthly, plus every week we donate to our church collection basket. I do add in one-off donations throughout the year as things come up, but my husband rarely does — maybe if his BFF is running a race and asks for a contribution. But he is always very supportive of giving more (eg, I tell him there’s a coat drive happening so I’m ordering $200 of coats and gloves).

      I would give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him about how you both can be more intentional about donations this year .

      1. +1 – I think this is where planned giving is the answer. That’s great that you give as the thought strikes. Honestly, unless it’s someone approaching me directly about something kind of small (which probably wouldn’t even hit our budget talks, because it’s like $20 to a high school band trip or something), or giving as an honorarium for someone who’s passed, all our giving is planned. We have two primary local nonprofits we support. We do an end of year gift and support each of their major fundraisers.

      2. Agree with giving him the benefit of the doubt here – he’s your partner! Assuming you like him overall, there’s a way to probe. Maybe he didn’t grow up with charitable parents. Maybe he thinks that he can’t give enough to “really help” (false, but that can be a barrier). Maybe he keeps meaning to but forgets. First step is to just talk about it and see if he agrees with charitable donations in principle, and then go from there.

        1. I think framing it as charity can be hard depending on how someone grew up. There can be a lot of very real stigma and shame in “accepting charity” that can color charitable giving too and make people hesitate over agreeing with charitable donation in principle if that’s how they’re thinking about it.

          Another framing may be what does he want to accomplish in this world with his resources, and what is the most strategic and responsible way to invest resources in achieving those goals?

    9. This is weird. My husband and I budget and plan all our giving together. If you have separate finances, why are you policing your husband’s spending and giving?

      1. Because what we spend money on reflects our values, and OP is noting that there might be something off about her spouse’s values.

        Not sure why you’re pretending not to understand this, it’s quite simple.

    10. It sounds like he’s a boyfriend and not a husband? Reading your responses you don’t seem to respect him much. Given your divergent views, I would break up. You’re not aligned in what’s apparently a core value to you.

    11. I would bring it up at a time when you are doing a donation, and ask him if he is interested in giving. Try to just get a discussion going. You can make an impact on him.

      We give randomly smaller gifts throughout the year when it strikes us, then once a year we sit down and give the bigger gifts through our charitable gift fund (Fidelity). It is actually a really nice time. It is good to sit down and think about … what is important to us right now? Who can we help? It feels really good.

      I would be a little upset to come to this realization about my partner too OP. However, it also surprises me that you this hasn’t come up before.

  16. I’m at a loss. My current job, less than one year, is program analyst with fed gov. I fully accept that I could be let go any day. My background is admin and program managememt, over twenty years.

    I’m trying to apply for private sector jobs, but it is rough right now. My skills are not in demand, or the pay is extremly low and a signficant pay cut.

    Any tips on types of jobs that are in demand that relate?

      1. Just to level set, chief of staff roles tend to go to people with a long history of inside knowledge of the company or the executive. I’ve never seen these roles hired cold.

    2. I’m sorry you are going through this. One hidden side effect of the federal downsizing is that there are many, many jobs that do not easily have a private sector equivalent.

      Project management is one thought – you can get a PMP certification on the side. Or depending on your field, advocacy orgs or think tanks (though they will be flooded with resumes). If you like the administrative part of things, look at who the big employers are in your area – things like hospital networks, construction companies, manufacturers – they will need back office support.

  17. Just venting into the wind.

    Bosses: “We’d like to see you take more ownership of projects. Be more assertive in guiding the direction of things.”

    Me: Takes ownership and chooses a direction.

    Them: “Why don’t we go this way instead?”

    Oh FFS.

    Yes, I’m casually looking for a job. I’m sure the next person they bring in will be the magic person who reads their minds perfectly and never gets second-guessed.

    2. Commiseration here! Same story. Performance review feedback advised to take leadership and guide direction/decisions. As soon as I implemented that feedback, I’m being second guessed. Boss is a micromanager and I’m not sure how much longer I can take it. Also casually looking for jobs too…

    3. I’m convinced this is code for “ask me fewer questions.” I usually just do things my way until nudged by leadership to do slight course corrections.

    4. Step back a bit, taking ownership doesn’t mean making all the decisions. Are you involving the right stakeholders before making calls? I give this feedback a lot and it never means “go cowboy this thing.” It means you go do the work of getting alignment and input and make a decision that has broad based support.

      1. Agree with this. You can and should lead more, but it doesn’t mean you are going to make all the decisions all the time.

    5. And do said bosses simultaneously feel threatened when you implement said feedback? That was the fun situation I found myself in. I eventually moved on.

  18. Any recommendations for an attorney in the SF Bay Area (preferably East Bay) who handles personal injury claims? Last summer I was hit by a car while biking home from the office.

  19. Question about quality clothing: what is the point of wool skirts/blazers/pants if the lining is polyester? If it’s about breathability/not hanging onto odor, doesn’t the polyester negate that? I’ve been WFH for most of my career so far, but I now need to build up a real work wardrobe. I would prefer to buy fewer good quality pieces, but I’m a little lost.
    Any other tips for quality/classic workwear and how it’s supposed to fit also appreciated! I’m pretty out of my depth here.

      1. It’s polyester or acetate in the pieces I’ve seen so far. I’ll keep an eye out for rayon, thanks!

      1. interesting, that makes a lot more sense!

        I have a gorgeous silk skirt that I got at a vintage store last year. I wore it this past summer and was so hot. It turned out the lining was polyester. I was excited about the silk fabric and didn’t consider that the polyester fabric would not be breathable in the summer heat….

        At what price point is the silk lining more common? I started by looking secondhand because I haven’t been too impressed by the quality of the workwear for the brands of clothing I already own, but the polyester lining of natural fiber pieces is what prompted me to come here with my question today.

        1. I buy almost exclusively second hand, so tbh my technique is to look at the fabric content on labels, but I have some max mara and boss things with silk lining, also whichever is the most premium Ralph Lauren line.

    4. The lining of trousers and skirts are about drape and feel. Acetate is terrible, and polyester i worse – if you want to not sweat or stink. The drape, or protection on you legs if you’re sensitive to wool, will be there, though. The synthetics are used because they’re cheap or at least cheaper. Brands that would have used a cotton or viscose (or other wood pulp) lining twenty years ago, will now use poly or acetate to save money. Brands that would have used silk, might now use cotton or wood pulp. The synthetics are there to save money, that’s it.

      The lining of jackets are both about drape and feel, and about getting the sleeves right. The friction of putting your arms in with a different fabric means a slippery fabric is good. In brands that are trying to cut costs but not all round, you might have a cheaper and very slippery sleeve lining and a less cheap body lining. Current clothes are a massive poly fest. If you can find something current that’s a viscose body and acetate sleeves you’re lucky.

      If you want clothes not part of the poly fest you need a seriously luxe budget or go vintage.

  20. Can you be a rainmaker without traveling for extracurriculars? I’ve been involved in the ABA for a while but it seems like getting more involved in leadership would require more travel for ABA events. My firm isn’t supportive because they seem to think all ABA conferences are pointless boondoggles. My practice is heavily referral based so that’s just not true for me, but it’s pulling teeth to get marketing to cover even one or two conferences a year. Any more would be out of pocket for me. I’m a nonequity partner so I likely can’t write off those expenses.

    Other than the expense, I don’t really want to travel more than once or twice a year for extracurriculars. I’m about to have a baby and I’ll already miss so much because of work, I don’t want to miss more time with LO for nonessential travel. But maybe this is what it takes to be a rainmaker? What do you all think?

    1. Somehow you need to network and stay top of mind for people. There’s a lot of ways to do that besides conferences but they all take time and effort.

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